1
00:00:28,683 --> 00:00:30,323
All right?

2
00:00:31,603 --> 00:00:34,043
You the cleaner?
No, I'm Bill Clinton.

3
00:00:35,363 --> 00:00:38,403
All right. I've been told to wait
for the cleaner.

4
00:00:38,403 --> 00:00:40,363
I am the cleaner.

5
00:00:40,363 --> 00:00:42,763
I needed a hobby after the scandal.

6
00:00:45,683 --> 00:00:47,003
Where do I go?

7
00:00:51,043 --> 00:00:52,723
Lovely.

8
00:00:59,523 --> 00:01:01,563
Mind your head.

9
00:01:18,683 --> 00:01:20,443
Oh, right.

10
00:01:20,443 --> 00:01:23,123
Quite a mess, isn't it?

11
00:01:23,123 --> 00:01:27,403
Welcome, I am Mr Abahassine.

12
00:01:27,403 --> 00:01:30,483
Hello. What the hell happened?

13
00:01:30,483 --> 00:01:34,003
Rather a large and out-of-control
crowd fight, I fear.

14
00:01:34,003 --> 00:01:36,603
A crowd fight? At a play?

15
00:01:36,603 --> 00:01:38,243
What was the play? Was it...

16
00:01:39,643 --> 00:01:43,123
..Rocky? Was that a play first?

17
00:01:43,123 --> 00:01:46,003
Do you know, I've just realised
I don't know the name of one play?

18
00:01:46,003 --> 00:01:50,123
Would that it was a play that they
were watching, dear fellow.

19
00:01:56,803 --> 00:01:59,163
Strippers?

20
00:01:59,163 --> 00:02:01,963
Well, what are strippers doing
at the theatre?

21
00:02:01,963 --> 00:02:07,083
One does what one must in order to
ensure the survival of the theatre.

22
00:02:07,083 --> 00:02:09,843
DOOR CLOSES Selina!

23
00:02:09,843 --> 00:02:13,243
Selina, run and turn on
the espresso machine.

24
00:02:13,243 --> 00:02:15,923
Our friend here must be parched.
The wha?

25
00:02:15,923 --> 00:02:20,323
The hissy, steamy machine that you
burnt your finger on yesterday!

26
00:02:20,323 --> 00:02:21,963
Kills.

27
00:02:26,323 --> 00:02:29,763
Hard to find the staff out here
in the sticks.

28
00:02:29,763 --> 00:02:34,363
Yes. I'm not one to judge, but she
does seem to be...

29
00:02:34,363 --> 00:02:36,243
..a miserable shit.

30
00:02:36,243 --> 00:02:39,163
I don't think she's yet developed
her passion for the theatre,

31
00:02:39,163 --> 00:02:42,483
or for anything else at all.

32
00:02:42,483 --> 00:02:47,803
We cannot know what our place is
in this great tapestry of life.

33
00:02:47,803 --> 00:02:50,723
So true. When I was her age, I...

34
00:02:50,723 --> 00:02:52,803
..I thought I'd be a kung fu master.

35
00:02:52,803 --> 00:02:55,243
We all find our place eventually.

36
00:02:55,243 --> 00:03:00,043
Yeah, fine. But for the record, I
still intend to be a kung fu master.

37
00:03:00,043 --> 00:03:04,203
ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS:  Do what you
can being who you are,

38
00:03:04,203 --> 00:03:06,363
shine like a glow-worm

39
00:03:06,363 --> 00:03:09,043
if you can't be a star.

40
00:03:09,043 --> 00:03:12,363
Ah. Well, I like that!

41
00:03:12,363 --> 00:03:15,843
Oh, yeah. That'll give me
inspiration to clean up...

42
00:03:15,843 --> 00:03:17,723
What did you say happened here,
a fight?

43
00:03:17,723 --> 00:03:23,123
I think the Donkey Boyz brought up
the temperature too soon.

44
00:03:23,123 --> 00:03:27,283
Ten minutes in,
we had a 40-woman brawl.

45
00:03:27,283 --> 00:03:32,243
Well, the theatre is probably the
wrong place to announce this, but...

46
00:03:32,243 --> 00:03:33,843
..that rather turns me on.

47
00:03:39,443 --> 00:03:41,483
I'll leave you to it.  Yes.

48
00:03:41,483 --> 00:03:43,523
MUSIC: Ladies' Night
by Kool & The Gang

49
00:03:43,523 --> 00:03:45,363
# Mmm, oh, yeah

50
00:03:45,363 --> 00:03:47,163
# Oh, what a night

51
00:03:58,323 --> 00:04:00,763
# Oh, yes, it's ladies' night

52
00:04:00,763 --> 00:04:02,843
# And the feeling's right

53
00:04:02,843 --> 00:04:04,723
# Oh, yes, it's ladies' night

54
00:04:04,723 --> 00:04:07,363
# Oh, what a night
Oh, what a night

55
00:04:07,363 --> 00:04:09,443
# Oh, yes, it's ladies' night

56
00:04:09,443 --> 00:04:11,403
# And the feeling's right

57
00:04:11,403 --> 00:04:13,403
# Oh, yes, it's ladies' night

58
00:04:13,403 --> 00:04:16,563
# Oh, what a night
Huh!

59
00:04:16,563 --> 00:04:21,043
# On disco lights
Your name will be seen

60
00:04:21,043 --> 00:04:25,043
# You can fulfil all your dreams

61
00:04:25,043 --> 00:04:28,883
# Party here, party there
Everywhere

62
00:04:30,243 --> 00:04:33,563
# Come on, let's all celebrate

63
00:04:33,563 --> 00:04:37,563
# La-La-Lady, lady, I love you... #

64
00:04:39,123 --> 00:04:40,763
What! Oh, come on!

65
00:04:40,763 --> 00:04:42,803
Oh! Ah, ah! Argh!

66
00:04:45,283 --> 00:04:47,323
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey!

67
00:04:47,323 --> 00:04:48,963
Ah!

68
00:04:48,963 --> 00:04:51,003
Jesus Christ!

69
00:04:51,003 --> 00:04:54,243
CLAPPING MAN:  Bravo! Encore!

70
00:04:54,243 --> 00:04:56,123
Hello?

71
00:04:56,123 --> 00:04:58,363
The perfect fall.

72
00:04:58,363 --> 00:05:01,243
What a gift.  Who are you?

73
00:05:01,243 --> 00:05:03,443
Who am I? MAN CHUCKLES

74
00:05:03,443 --> 00:05:05,443
ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS

75
00:05:07,283 --> 00:05:09,323
I am...

76
00:05:10,363 --> 00:05:12,403
..Strazzamo.

77
00:05:13,403 --> 00:05:14,843
Who?

78
00:05:14,843 --> 00:05:18,523
Oh, I'm performing here tonight.
But listen, what time are you on?

79
00:05:18,523 --> 00:05:20,483
I'd love to see the whole show.

80
00:05:20,483 --> 00:05:22,283
What? Help me!

81
00:05:22,283 --> 00:05:24,323
I'm trapped under a donkey dick.

82
00:05:24,323 --> 00:05:26,523
The timing was perfection.

83
00:05:26,523 --> 00:05:28,683
The sound of impact went through me.

84
00:05:28,683 --> 00:05:31,083
The landing, almost grotesque.

85
00:05:31,083 --> 00:05:33,363
I thought you had genuinely
hurt yourself.

86
00:05:33,363 --> 00:05:35,843
I HAVE genuinely hurt myself!

87
00:05:37,083 --> 00:05:39,763
It wasn't a deliberate fall?
OK, I'm going to say it again.

88
00:05:39,763 --> 00:05:42,403
I've genuinely hurt myself
and I'm stuck under a dick.

89
00:05:43,923 --> 00:05:45,563
Ah!

90
00:05:49,043 --> 00:05:53,203
But your costume and look is iconic.

91
00:05:54,283 --> 00:05:57,563
It's not a costume. I'm not a clown!

92
00:05:57,563 --> 00:06:00,203
Who are you?  I'm here to clean.

93
00:06:00,203 --> 00:06:01,923
I presume you'd like me to clean,

94
00:06:01,923 --> 00:06:05,123
or would you prefer your audience
to be sitting in hen-party juice.

95
00:06:05,123 --> 00:06:07,723
And by juice, I mean blood.

96
00:06:07,723 --> 00:06:10,043
And piss!

97
00:06:10,043 --> 00:06:12,363
You're just a cleaner?

98
00:06:12,363 --> 00:06:14,123
Oh!

99
00:06:14,123 --> 00:06:15,843
Argh!

100
00:06:15,843 --> 00:06:18,763
I am a crime scene cleaner.

101
00:06:21,043 --> 00:06:23,563
What a waste of such natural
attributes.

102
00:06:23,563 --> 00:06:25,203
Freakishly tall.

103
00:06:25,203 --> 00:06:27,123
Hilariously fat.

104
00:06:28,563 --> 00:06:31,363
You poke me again, you won't need
that red nose.

105
00:06:31,363 --> 00:06:33,243
Actually, the, er...

106
00:06:33,243 --> 00:06:34,723
..nose is more of a symbol.

107
00:06:34,723 --> 00:06:36,963
It's sort of an implicit contract
between me and the audience...

108
00:06:36,963 --> 00:06:38,603
I'm threatening you!

109
00:06:39,923 --> 00:06:42,763
Oh, that's really good.
Gave me chills.

110
00:06:42,763 --> 00:06:44,523
Really scary.

111
00:06:44,523 --> 00:06:46,763
Where do you want this?

112
00:06:46,763 --> 00:06:48,483
Is that an espresso?

113
00:06:48,483 --> 00:06:51,043
Delightful. Could I, erm...
Could I have one, too,

114
00:06:51,043 --> 00:06:52,883
but could you make sure it's the
Kenyan bean

115
00:06:52,883 --> 00:06:54,523
as opposed to the Italian?

116
00:07:04,323 --> 00:07:07,723
Now, this is a SOC...  SOCO suit.
Yeah, Scene Of Crime.

117
00:07:07,723 --> 00:07:09,603
It's wonderful.

118
00:07:09,603 --> 00:07:11,883
I can really do something with it.
Something...

119
00:07:11,883 --> 00:07:13,523
..Soviet era.

120
00:07:13,523 --> 00:07:16,083
Strazzamo takes on the extinction
of humanity

121
00:07:16,083 --> 00:07:20,003
against the backdrop of the Cold War
with Soviet Russia.

122
00:07:20,003 --> 00:07:23,763
Hey! Hey, that reminds me of that
joke. Do you remember that?

123
00:07:23,763 --> 00:07:26,003
What do you call a Russian
with three balls?

124
00:07:28,043 --> 00:07:30,283
What?  A Russian with three balls,
what do you call him?

125
00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:32,923
I don't know and I'm not sure
I want to know.  You do!

126
00:07:34,843 --> 00:07:36,883
Whodyanickya Bollockov.

127
00:07:39,363 --> 00:07:41,763
You can use that in your show.  What?

128
00:07:41,763 --> 00:07:44,923
SLOWLY: Who d'you nick
your bollock off?

129
00:07:44,923 --> 00:07:47,163
No, I heard you the first time.
Thank you.

130
00:07:49,323 --> 00:07:51,363
He says you can have this one
for free

131
00:07:51,363 --> 00:07:53,763
but you'll have to pay for
the others.  Bless you.

132
00:07:53,763 --> 00:07:55,803
Yeah, just like my jokes.
Hey, you'll like this.

133
00:07:55,803 --> 00:07:57,923
Huh?!  What do you call a Russian
with three balls?

134
00:07:57,923 --> 00:08:00,403
She won't know it, she's too young.
Yes, she will, it's famous.

135
00:08:00,403 --> 00:08:02,683
In the playground in 1985.

136
00:08:05,083 --> 00:08:07,723
Whodyanickya Bollockov. Ha?

137
00:08:07,723 --> 00:08:10,523
Wha?  Nonsense.  Tough crowd.

138
00:08:18,363 --> 00:08:20,403
HE GROANS

139
00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:24,643
No.

140
00:08:30,723 --> 00:08:32,803
Pink poodle! So original.

141
00:08:32,803 --> 00:08:34,843
Howdy, partner?

142
00:08:34,843 --> 00:08:36,883
What part of the show's this?

143
00:08:37,923 --> 00:08:39,563
It isn't.  Oh.

144
00:08:40,603 --> 00:08:42,283
This?

145
00:08:42,283 --> 00:08:45,963
Oh! These are the Donkey Boyz'
props, aren't they?

146
00:08:45,963 --> 00:08:49,243
Clearly.  Oh. Could you have
a sexy clown?

147
00:08:49,243 --> 00:08:51,923
Might be a whole new market
for you. Huh!

148
00:08:51,923 --> 00:08:55,403
I tend to steer away from
lowest common denominator stuff.

149
00:08:55,403 --> 00:08:56,483
Clearly.

150
00:08:58,643 --> 00:09:01,523
SQUEAKING How do you even become a clown?

151
00:09:01,523 --> 00:09:03,643
I got the calling late in life.

152
00:09:03,643 --> 00:09:05,443
Did the circus come to town?

153
00:09:05,443 --> 00:09:07,483
They can be very seductive.

154
00:09:07,483 --> 00:09:10,843
My cousin got up the duff from
one of those "smoky-eyed boys"

155
00:09:10,843 --> 00:09:12,763
who tend the horses. Her words.

156
00:09:12,763 --> 00:09:14,643
I think his name was Raoul.

157
00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:18,203
We'd hired a clown for our son's
second birthday

158
00:09:18,203 --> 00:09:20,443
and last minute he called in sick.

159
00:09:20,443 --> 00:09:23,043
I just knew I couldn't let those
kids down.

160
00:09:23,043 --> 00:09:26,243
What did he say was wrong with him?
I think he said he had arthritis.

161
00:09:26,243 --> 00:09:27,923
Oh, yeah.

162
00:09:27,923 --> 00:09:30,803
Because arthritis famously comes on
overnight, doesn't it?

163
00:09:30,803 --> 00:09:32,843
He was hungover.

164
00:09:32,843 --> 00:09:35,163
You hired a pissed clown. Carry on.

165
00:09:37,123 --> 00:09:39,083
I found some balloons...

166
00:09:39,083 --> 00:09:41,643
..and some of my wife's make-up,
and...

167
00:09:41,643 --> 00:09:44,043
ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS:  ..I don't know
what happened then.

168
00:09:44,043 --> 00:09:47,203
I just started to perform and it
just seemed to come out of me.

169
00:09:47,203 --> 00:09:49,443
Flow from somewhere.

170
00:09:49,443 --> 00:09:51,643
I just became...

171
00:09:51,643 --> 00:09:53,083
..the clown.

172
00:09:54,243 --> 00:09:56,403
And the children laughed.

173
00:09:56,403 --> 00:09:59,843
They laughed and laughed.

174
00:09:59,843 --> 00:10:01,883
I was a triumph.

175
00:10:01,883 --> 00:10:03,363
Right.

176
00:10:03,363 --> 00:10:06,523
Because toddlers are famously
hard to make laugh, aren't they?

177
00:10:06,523 --> 00:10:08,483
My nephew laughs at the word
"pancake."

178
00:10:08,483 --> 00:10:10,803
He literally pisses himself.
The boy's a moron.

179
00:10:11,883 --> 00:10:14,363
Actually, we...we do think there's
something wrong with him.

180
00:10:14,363 --> 00:10:18,643
I knew there and then that I had
stumbled upon my destiny.

181
00:10:19,883 --> 00:10:21,923
I resigned the next day.

182
00:10:26,843 --> 00:10:29,483
From what? Reality?

183
00:10:29,483 --> 00:10:31,163
I was a corporate financial adviser.

184
00:10:31,163 --> 00:10:33,123
Just about to be made partner,
actually.

185
00:10:33,123 --> 00:10:34,763
You're not joking, are you?

186
00:10:34,763 --> 00:10:36,963
Within a month, I'd used my savings
to invest in the

187
00:10:36,963 --> 00:10:39,323
Marcel Marceau School Of Mime
in Paris.

188
00:10:39,323 --> 00:10:41,163
In France?  Paris, yes.

189
00:10:42,883 --> 00:10:47,083
And what about you? How did you
become a crime scene cleaner?

190
00:10:47,083 --> 00:10:50,563
Oh. My mate said
there was a job going.

191
00:10:50,563 --> 00:10:53,483
Cleaning, but for crime scenes,
and...

192
00:10:53,483 --> 00:10:55,963
..I applied, and I...I got it.

193
00:10:55,963 --> 00:10:58,603
Mm. And you love it?

194
00:11:01,523 --> 00:11:03,363
I better get on.

195
00:11:06,723 --> 00:11:08,963
And you're married, yeah?  Yes.

196
00:11:08,963 --> 00:11:10,763
Yeah, we have a son.

197
00:11:10,763 --> 00:11:13,923
And you can support everyone
doing this, yeah?

198
00:11:16,123 --> 00:11:18,883
Well, Tara had to get a part-time
job when I started, but..

199
00:11:18,883 --> 00:11:20,923
..she supports my dreams.

200
00:11:22,443 --> 00:11:24,083
I see.

201
00:11:52,963 --> 00:11:55,003
HE SNEEZES

202
00:11:58,123 --> 00:12:00,163
EXHALING

203
00:12:08,683 --> 00:12:11,243
Did you learn that in Paris?

204
00:12:11,243 --> 00:12:13,643
What's that supposed to mean?
No need to be defensive, mate.

205
00:12:13,643 --> 00:12:15,643
I was just wondering if blowing up
the big balloon

206
00:12:15,643 --> 00:12:17,923
was part of the training?
Well, was...

207
00:12:19,243 --> 00:12:23,083
..getting a cleaning cloth out of
a bag part of your training?

208
00:12:24,923 --> 00:12:27,523
Yeah?  I developed this act myself.

209
00:12:27,523 --> 00:12:31,083
I learnt the discipline in Paris.
The art...

210
00:12:31,083 --> 00:12:33,643
..is all mine.  Ah, right.

211
00:12:33,643 --> 00:12:37,243
And did they teach you how to run
in those big, long clown shoes?  No!

212
00:12:37,243 --> 00:12:40,043
Paris was a mime course. Are...

213
00:12:40,043 --> 00:12:42,123
Are you actually interested?
I really am.

214
00:12:46,843 --> 00:12:48,483
Well...

215
00:12:49,523 --> 00:12:52,523
On one day of the course,
I mean, for the whole day,

216
00:12:52,523 --> 00:12:54,163
we just...

217
00:12:56,483 --> 00:12:59,963
..picked a single imaginary...

218
00:13:03,923 --> 00:13:05,563
..daisy.

219
00:13:07,163 --> 00:13:08,923
And you know what?

220
00:13:08,923 --> 00:13:12,683
After the fourth hour,
I swear I could see that flower

221
00:13:12,683 --> 00:13:15,163
caught in the dying summer light.

222
00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:19,003
HE LAUGHS

223
00:13:19,003 --> 00:13:21,043
How much did Marcel charge you
for that?

224
00:13:22,083 --> 00:13:25,243
Always about money!
Why don't you say what you mean?

225
00:13:25,243 --> 00:13:27,083
You clearly have a problem with
what I do.

226
00:13:27,083 --> 00:13:29,483
No, I'm just saying, it sounds like
a boring day.

227
00:13:29,483 --> 00:13:32,683
Nowhere near as fascinating as
mopping up some stains, I'm sure.

228
00:13:32,683 --> 00:13:35,643
I don't use a mop. This is not
a mop. It looks like a mop,

229
00:13:35,643 --> 00:13:37,683
it's not a mop. It's a specialist
piece of equipment,

230
00:13:37,683 --> 00:13:39,723
and I'll tell you... ALARM BELL RINGS

231
00:13:45,043 --> 00:13:47,523
He says we have to evacuate.

232
00:13:47,523 --> 00:13:49,563
Or whatever.

233
00:13:56,403 --> 00:13:59,643
Where did you lose your massive
clown shoes? In a fire?

234
00:13:59,643 --> 00:14:02,803
For the second time, I don't have
any massive shoes.

235
00:14:02,803 --> 00:14:06,043
What, how come? How are you going to
do that funny walk that clowns do?

236
00:14:07,723 --> 00:14:09,923
Whatever you think a clown is,

237
00:14:09,923 --> 00:14:10,923
I'm not that.

238
00:14:11,923 --> 00:14:15,483
Well, you've got one of those cars
that fall apart. Hoo-ha!

239
00:14:15,483 --> 00:14:18,723
A clown's a clown, mate.  A clown
is most certainly NOT a clown.

240
00:14:18,723 --> 00:14:21,643
Clowns are shit.
Sharper than she looks.

241
00:14:21,643 --> 00:14:23,803
I do apologise.

242
00:14:23,803 --> 00:14:26,403
The alarm is rather outdated

243
00:14:26,403 --> 00:14:31,003
and has to be remotely reset
by the fire department.

244
00:14:31,003 --> 00:14:32,763
Good news, however.

245
00:14:32,763 --> 00:14:37,403
Chef has arrived
if anyone would enjoy lunch.

246
00:14:37,403 --> 00:14:39,443
Lovely.  Good.

247
00:14:40,483 --> 00:14:42,523
Come on.

248
00:14:44,043 --> 00:14:46,083
MUNCHING

249
00:14:48,363 --> 00:14:50,043
Hungry?

250
00:14:51,843 --> 00:14:53,683
How does it pay.  Hmm?

251
00:14:53,683 --> 00:14:56,163
Crime scene cleaning.
Ah, it's all right.

252
00:14:57,603 --> 00:14:59,843
All bought and paid for.

253
00:14:59,843 --> 00:15:01,683
You're a sole trader, right?

254
00:15:01,683 --> 00:15:04,763
What?  You work for a company
or yourself?

255
00:15:04,763 --> 00:15:06,683
Oh, for a company. Lausen.

256
00:15:06,683 --> 00:15:08,403
No, you should go self-employed.

257
00:15:08,403 --> 00:15:10,923
Start a limited company and let
them contract you as a freelancer.

258
00:15:10,923 --> 00:15:12,723
Beneficial tax and VAT outcomes.

259
00:15:13,803 --> 00:15:15,963
Now, that's useful.

260
00:15:24,163 --> 00:15:26,403
I want to be extraordinary, Wicky.

261
00:15:30,443 --> 00:15:33,683
Er, I presume mine is comped.  Huh?!

262
00:15:33,683 --> 00:15:36,043
Because I'm performing.

263
00:15:36,043 --> 00:15:38,083
SHE SIGHS He said you'd say that.

264
00:15:38,083 --> 00:15:42,043
And he says it's not free.
"Tell the clown it's not free."

265
00:15:42,043 --> 00:15:44,603
No problem, no problem. I'll, er,
pay you from receipts

266
00:15:44,603 --> 00:15:47,243
after the show. Er, how many have
I sold?

267
00:15:47,243 --> 00:15:49,043
So far, four tickets.

268
00:15:49,043 --> 00:15:51,083
Four?!  Four.

269
00:15:57,283 --> 00:15:59,083
I'll get it.

270
00:15:59,083 --> 00:16:00,803
Oh.

271
00:16:00,803 --> 00:16:02,003
Well, that's very kind.

272
00:16:03,803 --> 00:16:06,603
How often are you playing
to four people?

273
00:16:06,603 --> 00:16:09,403
More often than not.  And you don't
think sometimes,

274
00:16:09,403 --> 00:16:12,003
"Oh, I'll just go back to my really
well-paid job

275
00:16:12,003 --> 00:16:14,163
"where I advise people how to
avoid tax"?

276
00:16:14,163 --> 00:16:18,123
Never. Success is about touching
people,

277
00:16:18,123 --> 00:16:21,523
regardless of the number.
Yeah, I've touched loads of people.

278
00:16:21,523 --> 00:16:23,203
Well, about 12.

279
00:16:23,203 --> 00:16:25,683
So, what happens if no-one
turns up?  I'd still perform.

280
00:16:25,683 --> 00:16:27,603
Wouldn't you find that massively
depressing?

281
00:16:27,603 --> 00:16:29,363
I could've stayed in finance.

282
00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:31,483
Been just another suit.

283
00:16:31,483 --> 00:16:35,643
Now my colleagues are Grimaldi,
Marceau, Chaplin,

284
00:16:35,643 --> 00:16:38,363
Keaton.  Yeah.

285
00:16:38,363 --> 00:16:40,203
And my auntie potters around
the garden,

286
00:16:40,203 --> 00:16:42,243
so she's best mates with Monty Don.

287
00:16:43,483 --> 00:16:45,403
Actually, she does think that.

288
00:16:45,403 --> 00:16:47,163
We should probably get her best
checked.

289
00:16:49,243 --> 00:16:50,883
Let me show you my act.

290
00:16:51,883 --> 00:16:54,603
Oh, no, you're all right.
It could be payback for the lunch.

291
00:16:54,603 --> 00:16:57,323
Please, I want you to understand
my passion. Please.

292
00:16:59,923 --> 00:17:02,083
WICKY SIGHS Yes!

293
00:17:04,283 --> 00:17:06,763
DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

294
00:17:14,483 --> 00:17:18,523
Ah. So, this backdrop, you need to
imagine it's something abstract.

295
00:17:18,523 --> 00:17:20,843
Something playful yet intense.

296
00:17:20,843 --> 00:17:22,643
You know, welcoming yet horrifying.

297
00:17:22,643 --> 00:17:24,963
So not the Donkey Boyz.
No, not Donkey Boyz.

298
00:17:28,563 --> 00:17:30,883
DRAMATIC MUSIC RESTARTS

299
00:17:32,523 --> 00:17:34,683
HE WAILS

300
00:17:34,683 --> 00:17:37,763
HORN TOOTS AND SLIDE WHISTLE

301
00:17:37,763 --> 00:17:40,003
Milk me, milk me, milk me, milk me,
milk me.

302
00:17:40,003 --> 00:17:42,843
HORN TOOTS AND TEARING Oh!

303
00:17:42,843 --> 00:17:44,883
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

304
00:17:44,883 --> 00:17:48,283
FARTING Ha-ha!  That bit wasn't funny!

305
00:17:48,283 --> 00:17:50,323
FANFARE PLAYS

306
00:17:53,563 --> 00:17:56,763
OPERA SINGING AND PARTY HOOTER

307
00:17:56,763 --> 00:17:58,803
STRAZZAMO SOBS

308
00:18:00,043 --> 00:18:02,443
CLASSICAL MUSIC AND HORN TOOTS

309
00:18:06,643 --> 00:18:08,283
There.

310
00:18:09,443 --> 00:18:11,403
Wow.

311
00:18:11,403 --> 00:18:14,363
Just wow?  Just wow.

312
00:18:14,363 --> 00:18:16,523
So? No notes?

313
00:18:16,523 --> 00:18:19,163
So...I'd better get on.

314
00:18:19,163 --> 00:18:21,723
Well done, though. Very energetic.

315
00:18:21,723 --> 00:18:23,723
I mean, when you were blowing that
big balloon up,

316
00:18:23,723 --> 00:18:25,763
I thought you were going to give
yourself a prolapse.

317
00:18:25,763 --> 00:18:27,803
So...good.

318
00:18:27,803 --> 00:18:31,723
Right, this place isn't going to
sterilise itself.

319
00:18:31,723 --> 00:18:35,123
W-W-What did you think?  Look.

320
00:18:35,123 --> 00:18:38,323
Seriously, I don't think I should be
the person to...  Please, Wicky.

321
00:18:38,323 --> 00:18:40,203
I want your opinion.

322
00:18:40,203 --> 00:18:44,523
Honest, unvarnished opinion
from the...common man.

323
00:18:44,523 --> 00:18:46,563
HE SIGHS

324
00:18:53,043 --> 00:18:55,243
Shit.

325
00:18:55,243 --> 00:18:56,883
Sorry, what?

326
00:18:56,883 --> 00:18:58,603
I thought your act was shit.

327
00:18:58,603 --> 00:19:03,403
I-I-I think maybe you didn't
understand some of the imagery.

328
00:19:03,403 --> 00:19:05,763
No, I did. I understood all of it.

329
00:19:05,763 --> 00:19:08,003
I thought it was all shit.

330
00:19:08,003 --> 00:19:09,643
I'm sorry, mate.

331
00:19:09,643 --> 00:19:13,083
I'm probably not the person to ask,
but I found Strazzamo...

332
00:19:14,843 --> 00:19:16,563
..annoying.

333
00:19:16,563 --> 00:19:20,163
But the pathos?  Mate, a clown
is supposed to be funny.

334
00:19:20,163 --> 00:19:22,923
Says who?  Says everyone!

335
00:19:22,923 --> 00:19:24,563
Good God, man.

336
00:19:24,563 --> 00:19:26,923
You're about as funny as
Brian Coyle.  Who?

337
00:19:26,923 --> 00:19:29,723
He's a bloke who drinks down my pub
and he is NOT funny.

338
00:19:31,083 --> 00:19:34,963
You just...you just sat there
with this expectation.

339
00:19:34,963 --> 00:19:38,563
"Come on!
Entertain me, make me laugh."

340
00:19:38,563 --> 00:19:41,843
Yeah. Well, that's what you're
supposed to do. That's your job.

341
00:19:41,843 --> 00:19:45,123
Yes, but you have to bring
a certain willingness.

342
00:19:45,123 --> 00:19:48,283
Christ! If I have to bring my own
funny to a clown show,

343
00:19:48,283 --> 00:19:50,083
I may as well go home and
tickle myself.

344
00:19:50,083 --> 00:19:51,843
And I don't mean a special tickle.

345
00:19:51,843 --> 00:19:55,923
Oh. Not all comedy is measured
in decibels.

346
00:19:55,923 --> 00:19:59,603
Sometimes a smile is more valuable
than a laugh.

347
00:19:59,603 --> 00:20:01,483
Yeah. Because when I've seen
a good comedy,

348
00:20:01,483 --> 00:20:04,083
I always say,
"Oh, I smiled my head off."

349
00:20:04,083 --> 00:20:07,363
Wouldn't expect a cleaner to
recognise poetry when he sees it.

350
00:20:07,363 --> 00:20:12,163
Oh, yeah!
Poetry, my sweet, sweet ass!

351
00:20:14,483 --> 00:20:16,523
HE YELLS

352
00:20:19,363 --> 00:20:21,403
Don't do this, mate.

353
00:20:21,403 --> 00:20:24,763
Don't make me add, "Beat the shit
out of a clown" to my CV.

354
00:20:26,203 --> 00:20:28,243
HE YELLS

355
00:20:29,883 --> 00:20:31,923
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey!

356
00:20:33,323 --> 00:20:34,963
You philistine!

357
00:20:34,963 --> 00:20:36,963
You've never tried to achieve
anything!

358
00:20:36,963 --> 00:20:39,483
You're just happy to get paid
and get drunk.

359
00:20:39,483 --> 00:20:41,443
Another one of the zombie army!

360
00:20:41,443 --> 00:20:43,483
STRAZZAMO YELLS

361
00:20:43,483 --> 00:20:46,003
SQUEAKING AND STRAZZAMO WINCES

362
00:20:46,003 --> 00:20:47,883
Yeah!

363
00:20:47,883 --> 00:20:51,483
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

364
00:20:51,483 --> 00:20:54,403
Not everyone has to have a dream,
have you ever considered that?

365
00:20:54,403 --> 00:20:56,323
What? Of course they do.

366
00:20:56,323 --> 00:20:58,803
We can't all be clowns
or...or firemen.

367
00:20:58,803 --> 00:21:00,763
Some people don't have the
inclination.

368
00:21:00,763 --> 00:21:03,643
Some people are happy to be,
don't need a fantasy.

369
00:21:03,643 --> 00:21:06,803
And if you look closely,
you might find those people

370
00:21:06,803 --> 00:21:08,563
are happier than you!

371
00:21:15,683 --> 00:21:17,923
FIRE ALARM RINGS

372
00:21:17,923 --> 00:21:19,363
Oh!

373
00:21:21,963 --> 00:21:24,003
FIRE ALARM CONTINUES

374
00:21:25,443 --> 00:21:27,803
Oh, dear. Oh, dear me.

375
00:21:27,803 --> 00:21:30,923
You want to get that alarm sorted,
mate. And that bloody doorframe.

376
00:21:30,923 --> 00:21:32,563
Behold!

377
00:21:34,603 --> 00:21:37,243
My God.  Selina is still in there!

378
00:21:37,243 --> 00:21:39,123
And the clown.

379
00:21:39,123 --> 00:21:41,163
Zut alors!

380
00:21:55,203 --> 00:21:57,043
Show time.

381
00:22:00,403 --> 00:22:03,523
ACTION HERO-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS

382
00:22:26,203 --> 00:22:28,803
THEY COUGH

383
00:22:28,803 --> 00:22:31,723
I've inhaled too much smoke.
You're going to be fine.

384
00:22:31,723 --> 00:22:34,763
Not this time.
Tell my family I'm sorry.

385
00:22:34,763 --> 00:22:36,483
For everything.  No!

386
00:22:36,483 --> 00:22:38,883
Stay with me.
I just need time to think.

387
00:22:39,883 --> 00:22:41,523
FANTASY-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS:
Hello, there.

388
00:22:41,523 --> 00:22:44,443
Perhaps I can help.

389
00:22:44,443 --> 00:22:46,723
You're going to be fine.

390
00:22:46,723 --> 00:22:48,643
Get that blaze under control.

391
00:22:48,643 --> 00:22:50,483
You're a fireman, aren't you?

392
00:22:50,483 --> 00:22:53,003
Please! Can you help?

393
00:22:53,003 --> 00:22:56,763
Roger that, Control.
I could buzz the fire with my jet

394
00:22:56,763 --> 00:22:58,563
and hope it blows it out.

395
00:22:58,563 --> 00:23:00,683
Oh, boy. I could put explosives

396
00:23:00,683 --> 00:23:02,323
around the worst-hit part of
the building.

397
00:23:02,323 --> 00:23:04,403
Blow the fire out, literally.

398
00:23:04,403 --> 00:23:07,563
Guys, we just need a hose.

399
00:23:07,563 --> 00:23:10,003
We can use elephant!

400
00:23:10,003 --> 00:23:11,643
Elephant?

401
00:23:11,643 --> 00:23:13,683
TRUMPETING

402
00:23:30,083 --> 00:23:31,883
Hang on.

403
00:23:31,883 --> 00:23:33,603
I told you.

404
00:23:33,603 --> 00:23:36,243
What?  Everyone has a dream.

405
00:23:36,243 --> 00:23:38,483
ECHOING:  'Mind your head, Wicky.'
What are you...

406
00:23:38,483 --> 00:23:40,243
..talking about?
I said, "mind your head".

407
00:23:40,243 --> 00:23:41,963
You hit it on the doorframe again.

408
00:23:43,163 --> 00:23:45,683
WICKY SIGHS
That was worse than a cheese dream.

409
00:23:45,683 --> 00:23:47,523
We all have a dream.

410
00:23:47,523 --> 00:23:50,083
Some of us are just trying to
make ours a reality.

411
00:23:50,083 --> 00:23:52,123
Don't lie to yourself, Wicky.

412
00:23:53,643 --> 00:23:55,923
If all of my dreams became
a reality,

413
00:23:55,923 --> 00:23:58,003
things would get pretty weird,
trust me.

414
00:23:58,003 --> 00:24:00,203
And anyway, you're the one who's
kidding yourself.

415
00:24:00,203 --> 00:24:02,683
You can't even afford your own
lunch.

416
00:24:02,683 --> 00:24:06,683
You just can't face the fact that
your act might not be any good.

417
00:24:06,683 --> 00:24:08,843
That's what's going on here. WICKY GROANS

418
00:24:29,403 --> 00:24:31,043
All right?

419
00:24:31,043 --> 00:24:32,923
You're right.

420
00:24:32,923 --> 00:24:34,963
Don't listen to me,
I'm a miserable git.

421
00:24:36,643 --> 00:24:38,283
Ten tickets.

422
00:24:39,403 --> 00:24:42,163
If I don't sell ten tonight,
I'm going to jack it in.

423
00:24:42,163 --> 00:24:45,163
Go back to finance.
No, you should...

424
00:24:45,163 --> 00:24:47,203
Don't give it up because of what
I said.

425
00:24:48,363 --> 00:24:50,003
My mind's made up.

426
00:24:51,843 --> 00:24:53,883
How many have you sold now?

427
00:24:55,883 --> 00:24:57,523
Nine.

428
00:24:59,283 --> 00:25:00,923
Anyway...

429
00:25:02,043 --> 00:25:04,083
..good to meet you, Mr Cleaner.

430
00:25:06,043 --> 00:25:07,683
Yeah.

431
00:25:25,723 --> 00:25:27,363
All right?

432
00:25:28,963 --> 00:25:30,683
How much are tickets?

433
00:25:30,683 --> 00:25:33,323
£15.  £15, for that?!

434
00:25:35,803 --> 00:25:38,123
Go on, give me one.

435
00:25:38,123 --> 00:25:42,443
It's a hard line to walk, isn't it?

436
00:25:42,443 --> 00:25:45,723
Knowing whether one should
fan the flames

437
00:25:45,723 --> 00:25:48,523
of a dream that can never be
realised.

438
00:25:50,363 --> 00:25:53,323
You don't think I should buy
a ticket, do you?

439
00:25:53,323 --> 00:25:55,563
"Do what you can being who you are"?

440
00:25:55,563 --> 00:25:59,163
Shine like a glow-worm if you can't
be a star,

441
00:25:59,163 --> 00:26:02,403
work like a pulley if you can't be
a crane,

442
00:26:02,403 --> 00:26:06,883
grease the wheels fully
if you can't drive the train.

443
00:26:08,523 --> 00:26:11,203
I mean, it sort of repeats itself,
but...

444
00:26:11,203 --> 00:26:13,243
..I take your point.

445
00:26:26,483 --> 00:26:28,323
Selina...

446
00:26:31,723 --> 00:26:33,563
..you're fired.

447
00:26:35,443 --> 00:26:37,083
Thank you.

448
00:26:52,363 --> 00:26:54,523
You know, you shouldn't smoke.

449
00:26:54,523 --> 00:26:56,563
You've got to die of something, son.

450
00:26:59,923 --> 00:27:02,403
What are you supposed to be?
An astronaut, silly.

451
00:27:02,403 --> 00:27:05,043
Oh, yeah? Is that what you want
to be when you grow up?

452
00:27:05,043 --> 00:27:08,603
Yeah. Or Optimus Prime.

453
00:27:08,603 --> 00:27:10,803
Cool. WOMAN:  Joe!

454
00:27:10,803 --> 00:27:13,483
Come on, I haven't got the tickets
yet. We're late.

455
00:27:14,643 --> 00:27:16,683
What are you supposed to be?  Me?

456
00:27:17,683 --> 00:27:19,563
I'm just a glow-worm, kid.

457
00:27:22,163 --> 00:27:24,923
Oh, you're the cleaner?
Crime scene...  Crime scene cleaner.

458
00:27:24,923 --> 00:27:26,563
Oh, yeah.

459
00:27:26,563 --> 00:27:29,163
He said it was a mess in there.
You did an amazing job.

460
00:27:29,163 --> 00:27:31,403
Oh.

461
00:27:31,403 --> 00:27:33,603
Sorry, who said that?  My husband.

462
00:27:33,603 --> 00:27:35,283
Strazzamo the clown.

463
00:27:35,283 --> 00:27:38,003
Better get in, don't want to miss
the big balloon being inflated.

464
00:27:38,003 --> 00:27:41,763
JOE:  Mum! Hurry up, stop talking to
that weird, old man.

465
00:27:41,763 --> 00:27:43,803
MUSIC: Fisherman's Blues
by The Waterboys

466
00:27:56,163 --> 00:27:57,603
# Woo!

467
00:28:10,243 --> 00:28:12,643
# I wish I was a fisherman

468
00:28:13,923 --> 00:28:16,043
# Tumbling on the seas

469
00:28:17,723 --> 00:28:20,483
# Far away from dry land

470
00:28:20,483 --> 00:28:22,883
# And its bitter memories

471
00:28:24,883 --> 00:28:27,403
# Casting out my sweet line

472
00:28:27,403 --> 00:28:29,683
# With abandonment and love

473
00:28:31,723 --> 00:28:34,323
# No ceiling bearing down on me

474
00:28:34,323 --> 00:28:36,963
# Save the starry sky above

475
00:28:36,963 --> 00:28:39,083
# With light in my head

476
00:28:40,643 --> 00:28:42,843
# With you in my arms...#