MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE Are you serious?
This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
And bear in mind an old fiancee left me for a taxi driver,
my mum is dead, and my doctor recently described me
as "uniquely fat."
I'm parked outside the pub, and you're telling me I can't go in?
My mouth is primed for beer, my pint arm is pre-bent,
and you want me to go on a night job?
I'll tell you what's an emergency -
me getting my gob round the soft pastry of Mervyn's pie of the month.
What?
Venison.
What does that matter?!
Yeah, well, if I'm the best, why do I keep getting the shitty jobs?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm on my way.
ENGINE STARTS
Ah! Well, I'm having a bloody pie.
Cheers.
Late-night spoodge clean? Thanks for this.
I'm sorry you have to do your job. Oh, yeah.
I bet no-one else was available. Funny, that.
What are you on about, you knob? Yeah, yeah, come on, what went down?
Oh, a store robbery gone wrong.
One dead, one critical.
Manager's around somewhere, she'll fill you in.
Right piece of work she is. You'll get on well.
Fine.
What is wrong with you?
Oh. Oh, you haven't heard?
We split up, me and Jules.
Oh, I hadn't, no. I'm really sorry. Sure you are.
Well, maybe now you can nudge the person that gives out the jobs.
Be nice to work near my house. Or even, I don't know, in the day!
I don't have anything to do with who gets the jobs. No.
Because the police never send the jobs out, do they?
Hey, I'm a single loser now. The punishment can stop.
Well, it's been lovely seeing you.
You off down the Horse? Have a nice time.
Want me to text you when I'm done?
I don't want you to text me full stop.
Right.
Well, that's me here all night.
Honestly, do these people never go for a pint on a Friday?
What's so relaxing about murdering? SHE GASPS
Oh.
Sorry, I'm from Lausen, the cleaners.
This must've been very traumatic. Yeah, it's a nightmare. Yeah.
A living nightmare.
I mean, look at this. I can't sell this.
Well, don't worry. I can clean that off.
Good luck using a pressure cooker with a bullet hole in the lid.
I mean, if you think it's worth a punt,
I can let you have it at 35% markdown. Honestly?
I don't know what they do.
Well, they cook. Under pressure.
Well, if you're so clever, what does "Wi-Fi" stand for, then?
Someone's gone quiet.
What will insurance have to say? It's hardly force majeure, is it?
Two armed druggies on the rob. Look at this.
This is a write-off as well.
Looks all right. Wait.
MAN SPEAKS IN GERMAN
"Why am I returning it? Oh, it's got blood on its central processor,
"and now it only plays German TV.
"Gunshot and blood damage isn't in the warranty? I didn't think so."
I hear two of your colleagues were hurt.
As in, one of them's, like, dead.
Oh, God, it's just awful.
I mean, I can replace Dolly with Trent, no problem.
You know, he's flexible, and Dolly was in training anyway.
But Johannes... Well, maybe he'll be OK to come in tomorrow.
I mean, he was only shot twice.
Do you think he'll be all right for a late shift? Of course not.
I'm pretty sure you can rule Dolly out, too.
Oh.
Help yourself to water in the staff room,
but please do not enter my office under any circumstances.
Goodbye. Bye.
Thanks for reminding me why I never married. What?
Pressure, is it?
Aren't they clever these days?
NASAL BREATHING
All right?
NASAL BREATHING
I didn't think anyone was working here tonight.
Awful, innit?
What happened.
Yeah. And it's about to get a lot worse.
WHISPERING: This is just the beginning.
THEY SPEAK IN GERMAN
NASAL BREATHING
All right? Can I have that?
Oh. Yeah. God, of course.
Must be really...
Did you know her? In as much as we know anyone.
Oh, right. She wasn't a mate or anything?
HE CHUCKLES
Hmm, let me think. She was the trainee sales staff,
and I'm the night shift shelf stacker.
Doubt that, don't you? Doubt that very much, thanks for asking.
Life goes on, eh? What?
Like she was never here.
Well, if she hadn't panicked, then she might be. Eh?
She ran directly for the emergency exit like a headless chicken.
Panic makes people illogical.
And dead, it seems. Pretty logical, innit?
If you're being chased by an armed druggie, run for the exit.
Running directly in the line of fire of a high-velocity weapon?
Hmm. Very sensible, very logical.
You remind me of a kid I went to school with.
Yeah. He got expelled in the end
for deliberately drowning the school lizard.
No, I'm sorry, I'm not a sheep.
WICKY SIGHS What would you have done?
I would've just strangled it. Not with the lizard, in this situation.
Freezer section.
This is a map of the warehouse.
What I'd do, I'd run up that door, OK?
Up this parallel aisle. These uprights provide perfect cover.
This isn't the first time you've thought about this, is it?
Fascinating. Do you want to live?
Yes, sorry, Liam Neeson, I do. Go on.
What do you do next, then? Because that is a dead end.
Oh, really?
You get inside the chest freezer.
WICKY SNORTS That's it?
That's your great plan, get into a freezer? Yeah.
They're not functional. It's perfectly safe.
Lift up, barrel roll in.
He'll find you easily. How? Do tell.
By lifting all the lids of the freezers
until he found the one you were in, you daft knob. Wrong!
You're presuming that he's thinking logically.
He's panicking now, he thinks he's lost you, right?
He's checking a maximum of two freezers before he leaves.
There are 12 freezers here.
That leaves you an 83% chance of survival.
I think Dolly would've taken those odds, don't you?
YOU daft knob.
Well, I guess we'll never know.
GERMAN SPEAKERS ON TV
WHISPERING: They're listening.
What did you want it for?
Want what for? The dead girl's name badge.
For a project. They normally come five in a pack,
but I just needed the one.
Ah. So it's thrift, is it, Scrooge?
So not being wasteful makes me Ebenezer Scrooge
to you people, does it? Oh, no, no, no.
I'm talking about Tony Scrooge who drinks down The White Horse.
He'd rat his nan out for a free pint.
Mind you, she's a piece of work.
She went down for kicking a police dog onto her garage roof.
Well, maybe Tony Scrooge has different circumstances.
Does he also stack shelves at night for minimum wage?
Oh, mate, I didn't mean to... No, it's all right.
I'm used to being talked down to. But not for much longer.
The change is coming. Eh?
You'll soon see.
You ever thought about a career in children's entertainment?
You ever thought about living in a pen with the rest of the sheep?
Baa!
CLATTERING Oh!
VOICEOVER: This is just the beginning.
It's about to get a lot worse.
Panic makes people illogical.
Change is coming.
You'll soon see.
YOU daft knob.
Oh. Aw!
Truce?
Mini pie?
I'll save it. For your project? Yeah.
Oh, look at that!
I've always wanted one of these.
I can't walk until I've had my coffee in the morning.
I'm like Lieutenant Dan from Forrest Gump.
You know, when he's dragging himself across the floor
on New Year's Eve. It's heart-breaking, actually.
Really brings home the sacrifice of those guys.
Anyway, I love coffee.
Yes, the human body is reliant on processed stimulants.
Baa!
Oh, my God!
It's 1,200 quid. Yes. They pay what they're told to pay.
What does it do? It makes the masses their precious elixir.
Can you name a more worthless piece of consumerism?
Handbag for a cat?
What? My mate Weasel says that the zenith of human achievement
is going to be when things like this can do their primary function
but they can also pleasure you.
Pleasure how? I don't know.
He said something about fitting a rubber cowl to the front of it,
so it'd be something like...
Something like this.
This one's quite good, actually. It's got rails so you can...
Stop! No!
I know. It's mad, isn't it? I said to him,
"Weasel, you can't bang toasters and coffee machines, for God's sake.
"They're hot for a reason."
God, I knew it.
People fornicating with inanimate objects.
Anything to anaesthetise the populace.
We are living in a dystopia.
Your friend may be a prophet.
Weasel? Oh, no, he's bonkers and unemployable.
Mm, yes, how quick we are to pigeonhole
those with different views.
You're starting to sound like him now, mate.
You want to be careful.
He told me he's not having a Covid jab
because he wants to control what goes into his body.
You want to know what goes into his body? Beer and bacon,
and nothing else.
Well, at least you can understand the worthlessness of it all.
Nihilism is a concept that... Ooh, jackpot.
Drone!
I've always wanted one of these, too.
The irony. Why? It flies!
Let's go and play with this outside.
I think you should pay more attention to your friend Weasel.
He knows. Mate, he duct taped his phone to a rocket on Bonfire Night.
Why? Because he wanted to prove the Earth was flat.
What he proved is insurance companies don't pay out
if you tape your phone to a firework. Mm.
OK. And you can prove that it isn't flat, can you, huh?
Cleaner man.
Yep, Flat Earther. Tick.
And I'm a crime scene cleaner.
Baa!
No-one here needed to get shot.
Mate, I need to get on.
I think we've established a complete lack of common ground.
No-one in this building needed to get shot. Yeah?
Who told you that? The lizards from the royal family?
Go ahead. Sneer. That's what the sheep like to do.
Sheep sneerer.
It's a play on words. Go on.
I would've been prepared. Mate...
..how can you plan for two goons robbing your shop?
I wouldn't have been robbed. No.
You would've got into a freezer. Go on, then.
Try to rob me.
Oh, come on. No, come on, try to rob me. Go on.
Hand over the coffee machine.
Checkmate, sheep.
Oh, God! WICKY STUTTERS
YELLING
No! Ah! Ah!
Oh!
Ah! Ha-ha-ha! Baa!
NASAL BREATHING
YELLING
Why did you check that third freezer? What about the 83%?!
I knew you'd be in here. I predicted it. I planned!
GROANING
I'm too young. You're not that young.
I'm too young to die. You've had a good innings.
This can't be how it ends!
In a freezer!
I am the last fish finger...
..lost at the bottom of the freezer. The lonely human ham!
Oh, mate, calm down, relax. It's not real.
A Tupperware box of bolognese!
It's been there seven years. Throw it away, Mum!
MUM!
What do you mean it's not real? No, it's not real. It's...
It's part of the drill. What drill?
My drill. The end-of-days drill. I thought that's what we were doing.
We were running around, doing... Sorry.
You odd little man.
You odd little greasy, bowl-cut, high-waisted,
4chan, QAnon, GB News...
..bell end! I thought you were quite into it.
You seemed quite into it. Can I get out of the freezer, please?
Yeah, sure, I'll give you a hand. I can do it!
Well, help me! WICKY GRUNTS
Oh, you're so clammy. THEY YELL
Ta.
It won't taste nice. They use cheap teabags.
Yeah? Well, my granny always said, "If it's wet, it's wet."
Now I've said that out loud, I've realised it's meaningless.
Sorry for scaring you earlier with the...
Mate, why have you got a fake gun?
It's a deterrent. It's part of my project.
You are so uptight. Sit down.
Where's your tea?
I save mine. What do you mean?
Every time I go for a break, I save the bag.
Why don't you just nick a box from over there?
Oh, right. And they'd begrudge you a few teabags?
Of course. We are just pawns of the game.
Plus Radison is a psychopath. Is that the manager?
She runs this place like a security facility. Yeah.
She did seem pretty keen that we didn't go into her precious office.
You ever done it? You ever been in the evil lair?
Tasted the forbidden fruit?
Of course not. That's a sackable offence.
Well, she can't sack me.
Come on.
There's beer in that room. Trust me.
I have a gift. No!
Cleaner man, stop!
HE CHUCKLES
I can't believe it. A bit old-fashioned, mate.
Women do drink beers these days, you know.
There's a woman down my pub, she'd drink you under the table, son.
The tattoos on her.
Actually, that's not a woman. That's Dave Shipley.
But I stand by my point. Women do drink beers.
It's the Dinky Chill 420.
Eh? It's the mini fridge I'm looking at.
It shouldn't be in here.
The juicer.
The coffee machine.
The clothes steamer.
The intimate razor. Ew!
This has all been stolen from the shop floor.
And she's in charge of the audits.
God knows what she's got squirrelled away at home.
Oh. Ring head office, grass her up.
Oh, God.
There's a mini grill there.
That's stolen from the shop floor, too.
We're not even allowed to eat cold food in the building...
..and she's grilling!
Power corrupts, my friend.
Power corrupts.
Go on, then. What?
Well, pop that beer and you can tell me your theory.
Not in here.
BEEPING
They block radio signals. Yeah, of course they do.
Come on, then. What are we planning for?
The collapse. It's coming.
OK. Before we go any further, I need to ask you some questions.
Ready? Yep. 9/11, did it happen?
Yep. Did the Americans plan it themselves? Of course they didn't.
Lord Lucan. Did he file his own teeth down and is he living
in a Brazilian rainforest like a monkey? What is this?
Please just answer the questions.
The moon landings - happen? Yep. Good.
That was a deal-breaker for me. JFK?
Yep, shot by Lee Harvey Oswald...
All right, you've passed the test.
..who was a reptile. I knew it!
Welcome, David Icke. KAI SIGHS
I'm not a conspiracy theorist, all right?
What's that? All my Covid vaccinations.
And for the record, the world isn't flat.
Look, an event is coming.
What sort of event? They haven't decided yet. "They."
Might be nuclear war, might be disease, might be famine.
Right, and it must be true, because a man who stacks shelves
in an electronics warehouse told me.
Look, do what you want to do, all right?
I only told you because...
..you bothered talking to me.
Must be hard living up there. Up where?
In your head.
MICROWAVES DING
Oi.
What?
I've always wanted a go on one of these, haven't you? We mustn't.
Ha-ha!
# We'll always be together
# However far it seems
# Love never ends
# We'll always be together
# Together in electric dreams
# We'll always be together
# However far it seems
# Love never ends
# We'll always be together
# Together in electric dreams... #
What are you going to do for food and drink?
I've got enough water to last me 36 months.
And for food...
..I've invested in these.
Complete nutrition.
Used by the Space Programme.
You're kidding. I do not kid.
That will last me long enough until the radiation levels die down,
and then after that, I'll do short trips in my hazmat suit.
Which you have? Of course I do.
It was the most expensive item.
I had to work weeks of overtime to get that bastard.
But the initial event's going to wipe us all out, right? Exactly.
It's almost like the government don't want you to survive.
Good luck not breathing radioactive particles
through your sofa, you bloody lemmings.
Bloody hell, mate. You're sounding like you've built a bunker.
What?
Where?
In my allotment. Under the potting shed.
How?
How do you even build a bunker?
Research, time, judicious purchase.
Well, where is it?
It's only big enough for one, mate. THEY LAUGH
I don't want to share your bunker, you daft sod.
I don't want to survive an apocalypse.
What? Why?
Well, I don't imagine many people have got a bunker.
I don't imagine they have. Right.
So there won't be many survivors. Yeah, very limited.
So what's the point?
W...What do you mean, what's the point? It...
What are you going to do? Wander around in your hazmat suit
meeting no-one? Life's about other people.
Relationships. Parties.
Friends. Booze. Booze and friends.
What sort of life are you going to have alone?
Wandering across a scorched Earth in a hazmat suit alone.
Come on. What sort of life's that?
I...I'd better get going. I've got stuff to do in the...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course.
Kai?
Yeah?
What did you want that name badge for?
They say after months of isolation...
..you lose sense of who you are.
Are you going, then? Yeah.
All clean.
The boss will be happy.
Apart from the missing beers. Don't you worry about her.
People like that get what's coming to them.
Something tells me head office might find out.
I bought you this.
A space bar!
Thank you. I'll enjoy that under my sofa just before I perish.
KAI CHUCKLES
Hey.
After I've been home for a nap, I'm, er...
I'm going to go up the Horse for a couple of pints, if you fancy it.
You could put Weasel right on a few things, eh?
No.
Thank you for the offer. I've got things to do and, you know...
Thank you.
You're going to the allotment?
Yeah.
What happens if you're wrong?
Wrong?
About the end of days.
What happens if you just have to keep on living?
I'm not wrong.
No.
Look after yourself.
MUSIC: Space Age Love Song by A Flock Of Seagulls
# I was falling in love
# Falling in love
# Falling in love. #