1
00:00:02,083 --> 00:00:04,123
MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE
Are you serious?

2
00:00:04,123 --> 00:00:06,363
This is the worst thing
that's ever happened to me.

3
00:00:06,363 --> 00:00:08,923
And bear in mind an old fiancee
left me for a taxi driver,

4
00:00:08,923 --> 00:00:12,003
my mum is dead, and my doctor
recently described me

5
00:00:12,003 --> 00:00:14,483
as "uniquely fat."

6
00:00:14,483 --> 00:00:18,443
I'm parked outside the pub,
and you're telling me I can't go in?

7
00:00:18,443 --> 00:00:22,003
My mouth is primed for beer,
my pint arm is pre-bent,

8
00:00:22,003 --> 00:00:24,723
and you want me to go on
a night job?

9
00:00:24,723 --> 00:00:26,523
I'll tell you what's an emergency -

10
00:00:26,523 --> 00:00:30,243
me getting my gob round the soft
pastry of Mervyn's pie of the month.

11
00:00:30,243 --> 00:00:32,323
What?

12
00:00:32,323 --> 00:00:33,683
Venison.

13
00:00:33,683 --> 00:00:35,443
What does that matter?!

14
00:00:35,443 --> 00:00:39,283
Yeah, well, if I'm the best, why do
I keep getting the shitty jobs?

15
00:00:40,603 --> 00:00:43,003
Yeah. Yeah, I'm on my way.

16
00:00:44,563 --> 00:00:47,283
ENGINE STARTS

17
00:00:47,283 --> 00:00:49,683
Ah! Well, I'm having a bloody pie.

18
00:00:54,803 --> 00:00:56,443
Cheers.

19
00:01:20,803 --> 00:01:22,923
Late-night spoodge clean?
Thanks for this.

20
00:01:22,923 --> 00:01:25,123
I'm sorry you have to do your job.
Oh, yeah.

21
00:01:25,123 --> 00:01:27,563
I bet no-one else was available.
Funny, that.

22
00:01:27,563 --> 00:01:30,323
What are you on about, you knob?
Yeah, yeah, come on, what went down?

23
00:01:30,323 --> 00:01:32,603
Oh, a store robbery gone wrong.

24
00:01:32,603 --> 00:01:34,203
One dead, one critical.

25
00:01:34,203 --> 00:01:36,363
Manager's around somewhere,
she'll fill you in.

26
00:01:36,363 --> 00:01:38,403
Right piece of work she is.
You'll get on well.

27
00:01:38,403 --> 00:01:39,923
Fine.

28
00:01:39,923 --> 00:01:42,083
What is wrong with you?

29
00:01:42,083 --> 00:01:44,243
Oh. Oh, you haven't heard?

30
00:01:44,243 --> 00:01:46,443
We split up, me and Jules.

31
00:01:46,443 --> 00:01:48,763
Oh, I hadn't, no. I'm really sorry.
Sure you are.

32
00:01:48,763 --> 00:01:51,443
Well, maybe now you can nudge the
person that gives out the jobs.

33
00:01:51,443 --> 00:01:54,963
Be nice to work near my house.
Or even, I don't know, in the day!

34
00:01:54,963 --> 00:01:58,043
I don't have anything to do with
who gets the jobs.  No.

35
00:01:58,043 --> 00:02:00,763
Because the police never
send the jobs out, do they?

36
00:02:00,763 --> 00:02:03,963
Hey, I'm a single loser now.
The punishment can stop.

37
00:02:05,883 --> 00:02:07,843
Well, it's been lovely seeing you.

38
00:02:07,843 --> 00:02:10,123
You off down the Horse?
Have a nice time.

39
00:02:10,123 --> 00:02:11,883
Want me to text you when I'm done?

40
00:02:11,883 --> 00:02:13,803
I don't want you to text me
full stop.

41
00:02:27,363 --> 00:02:29,523
Right.

42
00:02:29,523 --> 00:02:31,243
Well, that's me here all night.

43
00:02:31,243 --> 00:02:33,923
Honestly, do these people
never go for a pint on a Friday?

44
00:02:33,923 --> 00:02:36,523
What's so relaxing about murdering?
SHE GASPS

45
00:02:36,523 --> 00:02:38,443
Oh.

46
00:02:38,443 --> 00:02:40,723
Sorry, I'm from Lausen,
the cleaners.

47
00:02:40,723 --> 00:02:43,563
This must've been very traumatic.
Yeah, it's a nightmare.  Yeah.

48
00:02:43,563 --> 00:02:46,203
A living nightmare.

49
00:02:46,203 --> 00:02:48,563
I mean, look at this.
I can't sell this.

50
00:02:48,563 --> 00:02:50,963
Well, don't worry.
I can clean that off.

51
00:02:50,963 --> 00:02:54,403
Good luck using a pressure cooker
with a bullet hole in the lid.

52
00:02:54,403 --> 00:02:56,203
I mean, if you think
it's worth a punt,

53
00:02:56,203 --> 00:02:58,723
I can let you have it at 35%
markdown.  Honestly?

54
00:03:00,203 --> 00:03:01,883
I don't know what they do.

55
00:03:01,883 --> 00:03:04,163
Well, they cook. Under pressure.

56
00:03:04,163 --> 00:03:06,763
Well, if you're so clever,
what does "Wi-Fi" stand for, then?

57
00:03:09,043 --> 00:03:10,843
Someone's gone quiet.

58
00:03:10,843 --> 00:03:14,123
What will insurance have to say?
It's hardly force majeure, is it?

59
00:03:14,123 --> 00:03:16,403
Two armed druggies on the rob.
Look at this.

60
00:03:16,403 --> 00:03:18,203
This is a write-off as well.

61
00:03:21,523 --> 00:03:23,163
Looks all right.
Wait.

62
00:03:24,243 --> 00:03:26,283
MAN SPEAKS IN GERMAN

63
00:03:31,243 --> 00:03:34,523
"Why am I returning it? Oh, it's got
blood on its central processor,

64
00:03:34,523 --> 00:03:37,203
"and now it only plays German TV.

65
00:03:37,203 --> 00:03:41,323
"Gunshot and blood damage isn't in
the warranty? I didn't think so."

66
00:03:41,323 --> 00:03:43,483
I hear two of your colleagues
were hurt.

67
00:03:43,483 --> 00:03:46,123
As in, one of them's, like, dead.

68
00:03:46,123 --> 00:03:48,083
Oh, God, it's just awful.

69
00:03:49,763 --> 00:03:51,883
I mean, I can replace Dolly
with Trent, no problem.

70
00:03:51,883 --> 00:03:54,403
You know, he's flexible,
and Dolly was in training anyway.

71
00:03:54,403 --> 00:03:58,363
But Johannes...  Well, maybe he'll
be OK to come in tomorrow.

72
00:03:58,363 --> 00:04:01,163
I mean, he was only shot twice.

73
00:04:01,163 --> 00:04:04,003
Do you think he'll be all right
for a late shift?  Of course not.

74
00:04:04,003 --> 00:04:06,043
I'm pretty sure you can
rule Dolly out, too.

75
00:04:06,043 --> 00:04:08,083
Oh.

76
00:04:08,083 --> 00:04:10,043
Help yourself to water
in the staff room,

77
00:04:10,043 --> 00:04:13,003
but please do not enter my office
under any circumstances.

78
00:04:14,483 --> 00:04:16,283
Goodbye.
Bye.

79
00:04:16,283 --> 00:04:18,963
Thanks for reminding me
why I never married.  What?

80
00:04:18,963 --> 00:04:20,643
Pressure, is it?

81
00:04:20,643 --> 00:04:22,363
Aren't they clever these days?

82
00:04:54,803 --> 00:04:56,843
NASAL BREATHING

83
00:05:01,643 --> 00:05:03,283
All right?

84
00:05:03,283 --> 00:05:05,323
NASAL BREATHING

85
00:05:06,403 --> 00:05:08,483
I didn't think anyone
was working here tonight.

86
00:05:14,243 --> 00:05:16,003
Awful, innit?

87
00:05:16,003 --> 00:05:17,283
What happened.

88
00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:21,203
Yeah. And it's about to get
a lot worse.

89
00:05:29,003 --> 00:05:31,163
WHISPERING:  This is just
the beginning.

90
00:05:39,243 --> 00:05:41,283
THEY SPEAK IN GERMAN

91
00:05:59,003 --> 00:06:01,283
NASAL BREATHING

92
00:06:02,403 --> 00:06:05,403
All right?
Can I have that?

93
00:06:05,403 --> 00:06:08,363
Oh. Yeah. God, of course.

94
00:06:09,523 --> 00:06:11,923
Must be really...

95
00:06:11,923 --> 00:06:14,603
Did you know her?
In as much as we know anyone.

96
00:06:14,603 --> 00:06:16,403
Oh, right.
She wasn't a mate or anything?

97
00:06:16,403 --> 00:06:18,443
HE CHUCKLES

98
00:06:18,443 --> 00:06:21,163
Hmm, let me think.
She was the trainee sales staff,

99
00:06:21,163 --> 00:06:23,283
and I'm the night shift
shelf stacker.

100
00:06:23,283 --> 00:06:26,283
Doubt that, don't you? Doubt that
very much, thanks for asking.

101
00:06:34,203 --> 00:06:37,363
Life goes on, eh?
What?

102
00:06:37,363 --> 00:06:39,163
Like she was never here.

103
00:06:39,163 --> 00:06:42,843
Well, if she hadn't panicked,
then she might be.  Eh?

104
00:06:42,843 --> 00:06:46,163
She ran directly for the emergency
exit like a headless chicken.

105
00:06:46,163 --> 00:06:48,523
Panic makes people illogical.

106
00:06:48,523 --> 00:06:51,043
And dead, it seems.
Pretty logical, innit?

107
00:06:51,043 --> 00:06:53,683
If you're being chased by an armed
druggie, run for the exit.

108
00:06:53,683 --> 00:06:56,563
Running directly in the line of fire
of a high-velocity weapon?

109
00:06:56,563 --> 00:06:59,443
Hmm. Very sensible, very logical.

110
00:06:59,443 --> 00:07:02,643
You remind me of a kid
I went to school with.

111
00:07:02,643 --> 00:07:04,763
Yeah. He got expelled in the end

112
00:07:04,763 --> 00:07:06,763
for deliberately drowning
the school lizard.

113
00:07:06,763 --> 00:07:08,643
No, I'm sorry, I'm not a sheep.

114
00:07:08,643 --> 00:07:10,923
WICKY SIGHS What would you have done?

115
00:07:11,963 --> 00:07:15,443
I would've just strangled it.  Not
with the lizard, in this situation.

116
00:07:17,003 --> 00:07:18,563
Freezer section.

117
00:07:20,963 --> 00:07:23,403
This is a map of the warehouse.

118
00:07:23,403 --> 00:07:26,203
What I'd do, I'd run up that door,
OK?

119
00:07:26,203 --> 00:07:29,883
Up this parallel aisle. These
uprights provide perfect cover.

120
00:07:29,883 --> 00:07:32,283
This isn't the first time
you've thought about this, is it?

121
00:07:32,283 --> 00:07:34,083
Fascinating.
Do you want to live?

122
00:07:34,083 --> 00:07:36,523
Yes, sorry, Liam Neeson, I do.
Go on.

123
00:07:36,523 --> 00:07:39,443
What do you do next, then?
Because that is a dead end.

124
00:07:39,443 --> 00:07:41,683
Oh, really?

125
00:07:41,683 --> 00:07:43,923
You get inside the chest freezer.

126
00:07:43,923 --> 00:07:46,563
WICKY SNORTS That's it?

127
00:07:46,563 --> 00:07:49,123
That's your great plan,
get into a freezer?  Yeah.

128
00:07:49,123 --> 00:07:51,803
They're not functional.
It's perfectly safe.

129
00:07:51,803 --> 00:07:55,003
Lift up, barrel roll in.

130
00:07:55,003 --> 00:07:57,603
He'll find you easily.
How? Do tell.

131
00:07:57,603 --> 00:07:59,243
By lifting all the lids
of the freezers

132
00:07:59,243 --> 00:08:02,083
until he found the one you were in,
you daft knob.  Wrong!

133
00:08:02,083 --> 00:08:04,483
You're presuming that
he's thinking logically.

134
00:08:04,483 --> 00:08:06,963
He's panicking now, he thinks
he's lost you, right?

135
00:08:06,963 --> 00:08:10,763
He's checking a maximum of
two freezers before he leaves.

136
00:08:10,763 --> 00:08:12,403
There are 12 freezers here.

137
00:08:12,403 --> 00:08:15,603
That leaves you an 83% chance
of survival.

138
00:08:15,603 --> 00:08:18,563
I think Dolly would've taken
those odds, don't you?

139
00:08:18,563 --> 00:08:19,723
YOU daft knob.

140
00:08:21,203 --> 00:08:22,923
Well, I guess we'll never know.

141
00:08:22,923 --> 00:08:25,163
GERMAN SPEAKERS ON TV

142
00:08:28,763 --> 00:08:30,523
WHISPERING:  They're listening.

143
00:08:50,043 --> 00:08:52,083
What did you want it for?

144
00:08:52,083 --> 00:08:55,043
Want what for?
The dead girl's name badge.

145
00:08:55,043 --> 00:08:58,123
For a project.
They normally come five in a pack,

146
00:08:58,123 --> 00:08:59,683
but I just needed the one.

147
00:08:59,683 --> 00:09:01,763
Ah. So it's thrift, is it, Scrooge?

148
00:09:01,763 --> 00:09:04,723
So not being wasteful
makes me Ebenezer Scrooge

149
00:09:04,723 --> 00:09:06,843
to you people, does it?
Oh, no, no, no.

150
00:09:06,843 --> 00:09:09,443
I'm talking about Tony Scrooge
who drinks down The White Horse.

151
00:09:09,443 --> 00:09:11,363
He'd rat his nan out
for a free pint.

152
00:09:11,363 --> 00:09:13,043
Mind you, she's a piece of work.

153
00:09:13,043 --> 00:09:15,523
She went down for kicking
a police dog onto her garage roof.

154
00:09:15,523 --> 00:09:18,603
Well, maybe Tony Scrooge
has different circumstances.

155
00:09:18,603 --> 00:09:21,083
Does he also stack shelves at night
for minimum wage?

156
00:09:21,083 --> 00:09:23,123
Oh, mate, I didn't mean to...
No, it's all right.

157
00:09:23,123 --> 00:09:26,603
I'm used to being talked down to.
But not for much longer.

158
00:09:26,603 --> 00:09:29,243
The change is coming.
Eh?

159
00:09:29,243 --> 00:09:31,243
You'll soon see.

160
00:09:31,243 --> 00:09:33,883
You ever thought about a career
in children's entertainment?

161
00:09:33,883 --> 00:09:36,803
You ever thought about living in
a pen with the rest of the sheep?

162
00:09:36,803 --> 00:09:38,243
Baa!

163
00:09:39,443 --> 00:09:40,723
Baa!

164
00:09:40,723 --> 00:09:42,763
CLATTERING Oh!

165
00:09:58,483 --> 00:10:00,283
VOICEOVER:  This is just
the beginning.

166
00:10:01,683 --> 00:10:04,283
It's about to get a lot worse.

167
00:10:04,283 --> 00:10:06,603
Panic makes people illogical.

168
00:10:06,603 --> 00:10:08,603
Change is coming.

169
00:10:08,603 --> 00:10:09,883
You'll soon see.

170
00:10:11,443 --> 00:10:13,323
YOU daft knob.

171
00:10:17,403 --> 00:10:19,643
Oh. Aw!

172
00:10:27,483 --> 00:10:28,923
Truce?

173
00:10:30,363 --> 00:10:31,763
Mini pie?

174
00:10:33,523 --> 00:10:36,523
I'll save it.
For your project?  Yeah.

175
00:10:37,683 --> 00:10:40,443
Oh, look at that!

176
00:10:40,443 --> 00:10:43,443
I've always wanted one of these.

177
00:10:43,443 --> 00:10:45,843
I can't walk until I've had
my coffee in the morning.

178
00:10:45,843 --> 00:10:48,403
I'm like Lieutenant Dan
from Forrest Gump.

179
00:10:48,403 --> 00:10:50,763
You know, when he's dragging
himself across the floor

180
00:10:50,763 --> 00:10:53,763
on New Year's Eve.
It's heart-breaking, actually.

181
00:10:53,763 --> 00:10:56,483
Really brings home the sacrifice
of those guys.

182
00:10:56,483 --> 00:10:58,123
Anyway, I love coffee.

183
00:10:58,123 --> 00:11:01,363
Yes, the human body is reliant
on processed stimulants.

184
00:11:01,363 --> 00:11:03,123
Baa!

185
00:11:03,123 --> 00:11:04,843
Oh, my God!

186
00:11:04,843 --> 00:11:08,243
It's 1,200 quid.  Yes.
They pay what they're told to pay.

187
00:11:08,243 --> 00:11:12,603
What does it do?  It makes the masses
their precious elixir.

188
00:11:12,603 --> 00:11:15,883
Can you name a more worthless
piece of consumerism?

189
00:11:19,003 --> 00:11:20,963
Handbag for a cat?

190
00:11:20,963 --> 00:11:24,323
What?  My mate Weasel says that
the zenith of human achievement

191
00:11:24,323 --> 00:11:27,163
is going to be when things like this
can do their primary function

192
00:11:27,163 --> 00:11:29,003
but they can also pleasure you.

193
00:11:29,003 --> 00:11:30,963
Pleasure how?
I don't know.

194
00:11:30,963 --> 00:11:34,563
He said something about fitting
a rubber cowl to the front of it,

195
00:11:34,563 --> 00:11:36,603
so it'd be something like...

196
00:11:38,403 --> 00:11:40,123
Something like this.

197
00:11:43,483 --> 00:11:46,043
This one's quite good, actually.
It's got rails so you can...

198
00:11:46,043 --> 00:11:48,083
Stop! No!

199
00:11:48,083 --> 00:11:50,203
I know. It's mad, isn't it?
I said to him,

200
00:11:50,203 --> 00:11:53,123
"Weasel, you can't bang toasters and
coffee machines, for God's sake.

201
00:11:53,123 --> 00:11:55,363
"They're hot for a reason."

202
00:11:55,363 --> 00:11:57,763
God, I knew it.

203
00:11:57,763 --> 00:12:00,323
People fornicating with
inanimate objects.

204
00:12:00,323 --> 00:12:02,723
Anything to anaesthetise
the populace.

205
00:12:04,043 --> 00:12:06,443
We are living in a dystopia.

206
00:12:06,443 --> 00:12:08,563
Your friend may be a prophet.

207
00:12:08,563 --> 00:12:11,323
Weasel? Oh, no, he's bonkers
and unemployable.

208
00:12:11,323 --> 00:12:13,403
Mm, yes, how quick we are
to pigeonhole

209
00:12:13,403 --> 00:12:15,443
those with different views.

210
00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:17,603
You're starting to sound
like him now, mate.

211
00:12:17,603 --> 00:12:19,243
You want to be careful.

212
00:12:19,243 --> 00:12:21,003
He told me he's not having
a Covid jab

213
00:12:21,003 --> 00:12:23,563
because he wants to control
what goes into his body.

214
00:12:23,563 --> 00:12:26,883
You want to know what goes into
his body? Beer and bacon,

215
00:12:26,883 --> 00:12:28,523
and nothing else.

216
00:12:28,523 --> 00:12:32,003
Well, at least you can understand
the worthlessness of it all.

217
00:12:32,003 --> 00:12:34,923
Nihilism is a concept that...
Ooh, jackpot.

218
00:12:34,923 --> 00:12:36,363
Drone!

219
00:12:37,883 --> 00:12:40,803
I've always wanted one of these,
too.

220
00:12:40,803 --> 00:12:43,603
The irony. Why?
It flies!

221
00:12:43,603 --> 00:12:45,963
Let's go and play with this outside.

222
00:12:45,963 --> 00:12:49,403
I think you should pay more
attention to your friend Weasel.

223
00:12:49,403 --> 00:12:54,643
He knows.  Mate, he duct taped his
phone to a rocket on Bonfire Night.

224
00:12:54,643 --> 00:12:57,803
Why?  Because he wanted to prove
the Earth was flat.

225
00:12:57,803 --> 00:13:00,243
What he proved is
insurance companies don't pay out

226
00:13:00,243 --> 00:13:02,563
if you tape your phone
to a firework.  Mm.

227
00:13:02,563 --> 00:13:05,723
OK. And you can prove that it
isn't flat, can you, huh?

228
00:13:06,843 --> 00:13:08,403
Cleaner man.

229
00:13:10,643 --> 00:13:12,443
Yep, Flat Earther. Tick.

230
00:13:12,443 --> 00:13:14,323
And I'm a crime scene cleaner.

231
00:13:14,323 --> 00:13:15,843
Baa!

232
00:13:31,883 --> 00:13:33,963
No-one here needed to get shot.

233
00:13:36,403 --> 00:13:38,283
Mate, I need to get on.

234
00:13:38,283 --> 00:13:40,763
I think we've established
a complete lack of common ground.

235
00:13:40,763 --> 00:13:43,763
No-one in this building
needed to get shot.  Yeah?

236
00:13:43,763 --> 00:13:46,843
Who told you that?
The lizards from the royal family?

237
00:13:46,843 --> 00:13:49,363
Go ahead. Sneer.
That's what the sheep like to do.

238
00:13:49,363 --> 00:13:50,963
Sheep sneerer.

239
00:13:52,283 --> 00:13:54,163
It's a play on words. Go on.

240
00:13:54,163 --> 00:13:56,483
I would've been prepared.
Mate...

241
00:13:56,483 --> 00:13:59,603
..how can you plan for two goons
robbing your shop?

242
00:13:59,603 --> 00:14:01,563
I wouldn't have been robbed.
No.

243
00:14:01,563 --> 00:14:04,283
You would've got into a freezer.
Go on, then.

244
00:14:04,283 --> 00:14:05,923
Try to rob me.

245
00:14:05,923 --> 00:14:08,283
Oh, come on.
No, come on, try to rob me. Go on.

246
00:14:10,483 --> 00:14:12,883
Hand over the coffee machine.

247
00:14:12,883 --> 00:14:15,163
Checkmate, sheep.

248
00:14:15,163 --> 00:14:17,803
Oh, God! WICKY STUTTERS

249
00:14:19,363 --> 00:14:21,403
YELLING

250
00:14:23,043 --> 00:14:25,883
No! Ah! Ah!

251
00:14:25,883 --> 00:14:28,163
Oh!

252
00:14:28,163 --> 00:14:31,243
Ah!
Ha-ha-ha! Baa!

253
00:14:52,203 --> 00:14:54,243
NASAL BREATHING

254
00:15:12,963 --> 00:15:15,203
YELLING

255
00:15:15,203 --> 00:15:18,243
Why did you check that third
freezer? What about the 83%?!

256
00:15:18,243 --> 00:15:20,683
I knew you'd be in here.
I predicted it. I planned!

257
00:15:20,683 --> 00:15:23,323
GROANING

258
00:15:23,323 --> 00:15:25,043
I'm too young.
You're not that young.

259
00:15:25,043 --> 00:15:27,203
I'm too young to die.
You've had a good innings.

260
00:15:27,203 --> 00:15:29,363
This can't be how it ends!

261
00:15:29,363 --> 00:15:31,003
In a freezer!

262
00:15:31,003 --> 00:15:35,243
I am the last fish finger...

263
00:15:35,243 --> 00:15:38,963
..lost at the bottom of the freezer.
The lonely human ham!

264
00:15:38,963 --> 00:15:41,643
Oh, mate, calm down, relax.
It's not real.

265
00:15:41,643 --> 00:15:45,003
A Tupperware box of bolognese!

266
00:15:45,003 --> 00:15:48,443
It's been there seven years.
Throw it away, Mum!

267
00:15:48,443 --> 00:15:50,283
MUM!

268
00:15:52,483 --> 00:15:55,083
What do you mean it's not real?
No, it's not real. It's...

269
00:15:55,083 --> 00:15:57,003
It's part of the drill.
What drill?

270
00:15:57,003 --> 00:15:59,843
My drill. The end-of-days drill.
I thought that's what we were doing.

271
00:15:59,843 --> 00:16:02,123
We were running around, doing...
Sorry.

272
00:16:02,123 --> 00:16:05,203
You odd little man.

273
00:16:05,203 --> 00:16:09,363
You odd little greasy, bowl-cut,
high-waisted,

274
00:16:09,363 --> 00:16:12,083
4chan, QAnon, GB News...

275
00:16:13,243 --> 00:16:15,243
..bell end!
I thought you were quite into it.

276
00:16:15,243 --> 00:16:17,803
You seemed quite into it.  Can I
get out of the freezer, please?

277
00:16:17,803 --> 00:16:20,043
Yeah, sure, I'll give you a hand.
I can do it!

278
00:16:23,203 --> 00:16:25,723
Well, help me! WICKY GRUNTS

279
00:16:25,723 --> 00:16:28,323
Oh, you're so clammy. THEY YELL

280
00:16:37,643 --> 00:16:39,123
Ta.

281
00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:41,723
It won't taste nice.
They use cheap teabags.

282
00:16:41,723 --> 00:16:44,403
Yeah? Well, my granny always said,
"If it's wet, it's wet."

283
00:16:44,403 --> 00:16:46,883
Now I've said that out loud,
I've realised it's meaningless.

284
00:16:48,003 --> 00:16:50,523
Sorry for scaring you earlier
with the...

285
00:16:50,523 --> 00:16:52,723
Mate, why have you got a fake gun?

286
00:16:52,723 --> 00:16:55,403
It's a deterrent.
It's part of my project.

287
00:16:55,403 --> 00:16:57,963
You are so uptight. Sit down.

288
00:17:02,043 --> 00:17:03,683
Where's your tea?

289
00:17:04,763 --> 00:17:07,123
I save mine.
What do you mean?

290
00:17:07,123 --> 00:17:09,403
Every time I go for a break,
I save the bag.

291
00:17:11,643 --> 00:17:14,003
Why don't you just nick a box
from over there?

292
00:17:16,683 --> 00:17:19,243
Oh, right. And they'd begrudge you
a few teabags?

293
00:17:19,243 --> 00:17:22,603
Of course.
We are just pawns of the game.

294
00:17:22,603 --> 00:17:25,603
Plus Radison is a psychopath.
Is that the manager?

295
00:17:25,603 --> 00:17:28,403
She runs this place like
a security facility.  Yeah.

296
00:17:28,403 --> 00:17:31,523
She did seem pretty keen that we
didn't go into her precious office.

297
00:17:31,523 --> 00:17:33,763
You ever done it?
You ever been in the evil lair?

298
00:17:33,763 --> 00:17:35,563
Tasted the forbidden fruit?

299
00:17:35,563 --> 00:17:37,403
Of course not.
That's a sackable offence.

300
00:17:37,403 --> 00:17:39,923
Well, she can't sack me.

301
00:17:39,923 --> 00:17:41,523
Come on.

302
00:17:41,523 --> 00:17:44,363
There's beer in that room. Trust me.

303
00:17:44,363 --> 00:17:46,283
I have a gift.
No!

304
00:17:51,963 --> 00:17:53,723
Cleaner man, stop!

305
00:18:02,283 --> 00:18:04,323
HE CHUCKLES

306
00:18:16,803 --> 00:18:19,003
I can't believe it.
A bit old-fashioned, mate.

307
00:18:19,003 --> 00:18:22,043
Women do drink beers these days,
you know.

308
00:18:22,043 --> 00:18:24,723
There's a woman down my pub, she'd
drink you under the table, son.

309
00:18:24,723 --> 00:18:26,803
The tattoos on her.

310
00:18:26,803 --> 00:18:28,923
Actually, that's not a woman.
That's Dave Shipley.

311
00:18:28,923 --> 00:18:31,523
But I stand by my point.
Women do drink beers.

312
00:18:31,523 --> 00:18:33,563
It's the Dinky Chill 420.

313
00:18:34,563 --> 00:18:37,363
Eh?
It's the mini fridge I'm looking at.

314
00:18:37,363 --> 00:18:39,643
It shouldn't be in here.

315
00:18:39,643 --> 00:18:41,163
The juicer.

316
00:18:41,163 --> 00:18:42,723
The coffee machine.

317
00:18:42,723 --> 00:18:44,443
The clothes steamer.

318
00:18:44,443 --> 00:18:46,283
The intimate razor.
Ew!

319
00:18:47,363 --> 00:18:50,243
This has all been stolen
from the shop floor.

320
00:18:50,243 --> 00:18:52,763
And she's in charge of the audits.

321
00:18:52,763 --> 00:18:55,003
God knows what she's got
squirrelled away at home.

322
00:18:55,003 --> 00:18:57,083
Oh. Ring head office, grass her up.

323
00:18:58,043 --> 00:18:59,483
Oh, God.

324
00:19:00,603 --> 00:19:02,483
There's a mini grill there.

325
00:19:02,483 --> 00:19:04,323
That's stolen from the shop floor,
too.

326
00:19:05,843 --> 00:19:08,763
We're not even allowed
to eat cold food in the building...

327
00:19:09,923 --> 00:19:11,523
..and she's grilling!

328
00:19:12,523 --> 00:19:14,803
Power corrupts, my friend.

329
00:19:14,803 --> 00:19:17,363
Power corrupts.

330
00:19:17,363 --> 00:19:19,403
Go on, then.
What?

331
00:19:19,403 --> 00:19:22,163
Well, pop that beer
and you can tell me your theory.

332
00:19:22,163 --> 00:19:23,803
Not in here.

333
00:19:30,843 --> 00:19:32,883
BEEPING

334
00:19:34,923 --> 00:19:38,243
They block radio signals.
Yeah, of course they do.

335
00:19:38,243 --> 00:19:40,203
Come on, then.
What are we planning for?

336
00:19:40,203 --> 00:19:42,483
The collapse. It's coming.

337
00:19:42,483 --> 00:19:46,443
OK. Before we go any further,
I need to ask you some questions.

338
00:19:46,443 --> 00:19:48,603
Ready?  Yep.
9/11, did it happen?

339
00:19:48,603 --> 00:19:51,403
Yep.  Did the Americans plan it
themselves?  Of course they didn't.

340
00:19:51,403 --> 00:19:53,803
Lord Lucan. Did he file his own
teeth down and is he living

341
00:19:53,803 --> 00:19:56,683
in a Brazilian rainforest
like a monkey?  What is this?

342
00:19:56,683 --> 00:19:58,603
Please just answer the questions.

343
00:19:58,603 --> 00:20:00,403
The moon landings - happen?
Yep.  Good.

344
00:20:00,403 --> 00:20:02,723
That was a deal-breaker for me. JFK?

345
00:20:02,723 --> 00:20:04,523
Yep, shot by Lee Harvey Oswald...

346
00:20:04,523 --> 00:20:06,483
All right, you've passed the test.

347
00:20:06,483 --> 00:20:08,803
..who was a reptile.
I knew it!

348
00:20:08,803 --> 00:20:12,203
Welcome, David Icke. KAI SIGHS

349
00:20:12,203 --> 00:20:14,603
I'm not a conspiracy theorist,
all right?

350
00:20:16,963 --> 00:20:19,883
What's that?
All my Covid vaccinations.

351
00:20:19,883 --> 00:20:21,803
And for the record,
the world isn't flat.

352
00:20:23,083 --> 00:20:25,723
Look, an event is coming.

353
00:20:25,723 --> 00:20:28,803
What sort of event?
They haven't decided yet.  "They."

354
00:20:28,803 --> 00:20:31,163
Might be nuclear war, might be
disease, might be famine.

355
00:20:31,163 --> 00:20:34,323
Right, and it must be true,
because a man who stacks shelves

356
00:20:34,323 --> 00:20:36,563
in an electronics warehouse told me.

357
00:20:36,563 --> 00:20:39,283
Look, do what you want to do,
all right?

358
00:20:39,283 --> 00:20:41,323
I only told you because...

359
00:20:41,323 --> 00:20:43,603
..you bothered talking to me.

360
00:20:43,603 --> 00:20:46,763
Must be hard living up there.
Up where?

361
00:20:46,763 --> 00:20:48,083
In your head.

362
00:20:56,243 --> 00:20:58,283
MICROWAVES DING

363
00:21:25,443 --> 00:21:27,083
Oi.

364
00:21:27,083 --> 00:21:28,643
What?

365
00:21:33,923 --> 00:21:36,763
I've always wanted a go on one
of these, haven't you?  We mustn't.

366
00:21:42,163 --> 00:21:43,603
Ha-ha!

367
00:21:45,603 --> 00:21:48,123
# We'll always be together

368
00:21:48,123 --> 00:21:50,523
# However far it seems

369
00:21:50,523 --> 00:21:53,043
# Love never ends

370
00:21:53,043 --> 00:21:55,803
# We'll always be together

371
00:21:55,803 --> 00:21:59,003
# Together in electric dreams

372
00:22:00,643 --> 00:22:03,123
# We'll always be together

373
00:22:03,123 --> 00:22:05,843
# However far it seems

374
00:22:05,843 --> 00:22:07,803
# Love never ends

375
00:22:07,803 --> 00:22:10,403
# We'll always be together

376
00:22:10,403 --> 00:22:16,523
# Together in electric dreams... #

377
00:22:21,323 --> 00:22:23,683
What are you going to do
for food and drink?

378
00:22:23,683 --> 00:22:26,883
I've got enough water
to last me 36 months.

379
00:22:26,883 --> 00:22:28,723
And for food...

380
00:22:28,723 --> 00:22:30,203
..I've invested in these.

381
00:22:31,443 --> 00:22:33,483
Complete nutrition.

382
00:22:33,483 --> 00:22:35,003
Used by the Space Programme.

383
00:22:35,003 --> 00:22:37,163
You're kidding.
I do not kid.

384
00:22:37,163 --> 00:22:40,163
That will last me long enough
until the radiation levels die down,

385
00:22:40,163 --> 00:22:43,563
and then after that, I'll do
short trips in my hazmat suit.

386
00:22:43,563 --> 00:22:45,843
Which you have?
Of course I do.

387
00:22:45,843 --> 00:22:48,123
It was the most expensive item.

388
00:22:48,123 --> 00:22:51,123
I had to work weeks of overtime
to get that bastard.

389
00:22:51,123 --> 00:22:55,563
But the initial event's going to
wipe us all out, right?  Exactly.

390
00:22:55,563 --> 00:22:58,563
It's almost like the government
don't want you to survive.

391
00:22:58,563 --> 00:23:01,043
Good luck not breathing
radioactive particles

392
00:23:01,043 --> 00:23:03,963
through your sofa,
you bloody lemmings.

393
00:23:03,963 --> 00:23:06,723
Bloody hell, mate. You're sounding
like you've built a bunker.

394
00:23:09,243 --> 00:23:11,003
What?

395
00:23:11,003 --> 00:23:12,883
Where?

396
00:23:12,883 --> 00:23:15,643
In my allotment.
Under the potting shed.

397
00:23:15,643 --> 00:23:17,163
How?

398
00:23:17,163 --> 00:23:19,203
How do you even build a bunker?

399
00:23:19,203 --> 00:23:22,323
Research, time, judicious purchase.

400
00:23:22,323 --> 00:23:23,843
Well, where is it?

401
00:23:23,843 --> 00:23:27,003
It's only big enough for one, mate.
THEY LAUGH

402
00:23:27,003 --> 00:23:29,403
I don't want to share your bunker,
you daft sod.

403
00:23:30,443 --> 00:23:32,683
I don't want to survive
an apocalypse.

404
00:23:32,683 --> 00:23:34,363
What? Why?

405
00:23:34,363 --> 00:23:37,443
Well, I don't imagine many people
have got a bunker.

406
00:23:37,443 --> 00:23:38,883
I don't imagine they have.
Right.

407
00:23:38,883 --> 00:23:41,403
So there won't be many survivors.
Yeah, very limited.

408
00:23:41,403 --> 00:23:43,243
So what's the point?

409
00:23:45,083 --> 00:23:47,843
W...What do you mean,
what's the point? It...

410
00:23:47,843 --> 00:23:50,843
What are you going to do?
Wander around in your hazmat suit

411
00:23:50,843 --> 00:23:54,363
meeting no-one?
Life's about other people.

412
00:23:54,363 --> 00:23:56,883
Relationships. Parties.

413
00:23:56,883 --> 00:24:00,283
Friends. Booze. Booze and friends.

414
00:24:00,283 --> 00:24:02,923
What sort of life
are you going to have alone?

415
00:24:02,923 --> 00:24:06,603
Wandering across a scorched Earth
in a hazmat suit alone.

416
00:24:06,603 --> 00:24:09,283
Come on. What sort of life's that?

417
00:24:14,563 --> 00:24:17,243
I...I'd better get going.
I've got stuff to do in the...

418
00:24:17,243 --> 00:24:19,723
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course.

419
00:24:19,723 --> 00:24:21,723
Kai?

420
00:24:21,723 --> 00:24:23,803
Yeah?

421
00:24:23,803 --> 00:24:26,203
What did you want
that name badge for?

422
00:24:33,123 --> 00:24:35,283
They say after months
of isolation...

423
00:24:37,203 --> 00:24:39,563
..you lose sense of who you are.

424
00:24:59,963 --> 00:25:02,003
Are you going, then?
Yeah.

425
00:25:02,003 --> 00:25:03,603
All clean.

426
00:25:03,603 --> 00:25:05,163
The boss will be happy.

427
00:25:05,163 --> 00:25:07,843
Apart from the missing beers.
Don't you worry about her.

428
00:25:07,843 --> 00:25:09,803
People like that get
what's coming to them.

429
00:25:09,803 --> 00:25:12,443
Something tells me head office
might find out.

430
00:25:13,923 --> 00:25:15,563
I bought you this.

431
00:25:15,563 --> 00:25:17,323
A space bar!

432
00:25:17,323 --> 00:25:20,643
Thank you. I'll enjoy that under
my sofa just before I perish.

433
00:25:20,643 --> 00:25:22,523
KAI CHUCKLES

434
00:25:23,523 --> 00:25:25,083
Hey.

435
00:25:25,083 --> 00:25:27,523
After I've been home for a nap,
I'm, er...

436
00:25:27,523 --> 00:25:31,443
I'm going to go up the Horse for
a couple of pints, if you fancy it.

437
00:25:31,443 --> 00:25:34,483
You could put Weasel right
on a few things, eh?

438
00:25:34,483 --> 00:25:36,003
No.

439
00:25:36,003 --> 00:25:38,563
Thank you for the offer. I've got
things to do and, you know...

440
00:25:38,563 --> 00:25:40,523
Thank you.

441
00:25:40,523 --> 00:25:43,283
Thank you.
You're going to the allotment?

442
00:25:43,283 --> 00:25:44,883
Yeah.

443
00:25:47,843 --> 00:25:49,363
What happens if you're wrong?

444
00:25:50,563 --> 00:25:52,123
Wrong?

445
00:25:52,123 --> 00:25:54,283
About the end of days.

446
00:25:54,283 --> 00:25:56,363
What happens if you just have to
keep on living?

447
00:25:57,683 --> 00:25:59,803
I'm not wrong.

448
00:25:59,803 --> 00:26:01,563
No.

449
00:26:01,563 --> 00:26:03,523
Look after yourself.

450
00:26:06,803 --> 00:26:10,563
MUSIC: Space Age Love Song
by A Flock Of Seagulls

451
00:27:00,523 --> 00:27:06,003
# I was falling in love

452
00:27:07,923 --> 00:27:11,763
# Falling in love

453
00:27:14,603 --> 00:27:17,403
# Falling in love

454
00:27:21,763 --> 00:27:24,123
# Falling in love

455
00:27:28,603 --> 00:27:31,403
# Falling in love. #