1
00:00:16,483 --> 00:00:19,163
AUTOMATED VOICE:  You have reached
your final destination.

2
00:00:28,763 --> 00:00:30,403
Owl!

3
00:00:30,403 --> 00:00:32,403
THUD AND TYRES SCREECH

4
00:00:36,563 --> 00:00:39,523
ENGINE CRANKS
Come on, come on, come on, come on!

5
00:00:42,723 --> 00:00:44,363
Augh!

6
00:00:52,283 --> 00:00:53,923
Oh.

7
00:00:57,563 --> 00:00:59,563
SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS

8
00:01:05,523 --> 00:01:08,763
Oh, good. I'm cleaning
a creepy mansion.

9
00:01:08,763 --> 00:01:10,803
HE SIGHS

10
00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:44,643
LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS

11
00:01:45,723 --> 00:01:47,723
Hello?

12
00:01:47,723 --> 00:01:49,763
Anyone there?

13
00:02:04,403 --> 00:02:07,403
THREE BLIND MICE PLAYS CREEPILY

14
00:02:10,603 --> 00:02:12,243
HE INHALES

15
00:02:14,483 --> 00:02:17,283
Hello? It's just the cleaner.

16
00:02:17,283 --> 00:02:18,923
Hello?

17
00:02:27,163 --> 00:02:29,203
CLATTERING

18
00:02:39,243 --> 00:02:41,283
THEY BOTH YELL

19
00:02:46,483 --> 00:02:48,483
This has got four different
chemicals in it.

20
00:02:48,483 --> 00:02:51,323
One spray of this, you'll have a
face like a plate of surf 'n' turf.

21
00:02:51,323 --> 00:02:53,603
There is no violence in this heart.

22
00:02:53,603 --> 00:02:55,803
You startled me is all.
What's that in your hand?

23
00:02:55,803 --> 00:02:58,843
This is a shard of a Himalayan
rock salt.

24
00:02:58,843 --> 00:03:02,363
The other hand?  This is an
indigenous woodwind instrument.

25
00:03:02,363 --> 00:03:04,403
DEEP BELLOWING

26
00:03:07,083 --> 00:03:09,843
Right. Both could be used
as a weapon,

27
00:03:09,843 --> 00:03:11,883
but I can see you've got no
upper body strength.

28
00:03:11,883 --> 00:03:14,763
None at all.  Move forward. Slowly!

29
00:03:16,003 --> 00:03:17,243
Why are you here?

30
00:03:17,243 --> 00:03:19,203
I'm asking the questions.

31
00:03:19,203 --> 00:03:21,003
Sorry, continue.

32
00:03:23,843 --> 00:03:25,883
Why are YOU here?

33
00:03:25,883 --> 00:03:27,643
I am a shaman.

34
00:03:27,643 --> 00:03:31,203
I have been charged with escorting
a soul from purgatory

35
00:03:31,203 --> 00:03:32,363
to a peaceful plain.

36
00:03:32,363 --> 00:03:33,803
What are you, a squatter?

37
00:03:33,803 --> 00:03:35,403
No, I live in a yurt.

38
00:03:35,403 --> 00:03:36,883
Huh, squat in the grass.

39
00:03:36,883 --> 00:03:39,803
Why have you flooded this place
with negative chi?

40
00:03:39,803 --> 00:03:41,203
I'm here to clean.

41
00:03:41,203 --> 00:03:42,563
They told me it'd be empty.

42
00:03:42,563 --> 00:03:46,043
This house is far from empty.

43
00:03:46,043 --> 00:03:48,443
Oh, yeah, I need you today, don't I?

44
00:03:58,003 --> 00:04:00,523
Who requested your presence here?
Oh.

45
00:04:00,523 --> 00:04:03,603
Don't know. My boss just
sends me to do a job.

46
00:04:03,603 --> 00:04:05,523
Probably why I wasn't warned
there was an extra

47
00:04:05,523 --> 00:04:08,963
from Lord Of The Rings here.
Who are you?

48
00:04:08,963 --> 00:04:11,083
I am Dan Mancoocoomum.

49
00:04:12,443 --> 00:04:13,523
What?

50
00:04:13,523 --> 00:04:15,003
Dan Mancoocoomum.

51
00:04:15,003 --> 00:04:17,243
That's your name?
Yeah. Dan Mancoocoomum.

52
00:04:17,243 --> 00:04:19,083
And that's on your passport, is it?
Similar.

53
00:04:19,083 --> 00:04:21,723
That's not your real name, is it?
Reality is merely a construct.

54
00:04:21,723 --> 00:04:23,243
What's on your birth certificate?

55
00:04:23,243 --> 00:04:26,403
Dan Watson.  Jackpot.

56
00:04:26,403 --> 00:04:29,363
Something to refresh before
your journey home.  Eh?

57
00:04:29,363 --> 00:04:31,123
I'm not going anywhere.

58
00:04:31,123 --> 00:04:34,683
Well, I can't work with
a cynical presence.

59
00:04:34,683 --> 00:04:37,363
You'll have to leave.
Now, you listen to me.

60
00:04:37,363 --> 00:04:40,843
I am going to clean. A homeless
person died here, right?

61
00:04:40,843 --> 00:04:43,003
A lost soul took shelter here, yes.

62
00:04:43,003 --> 00:04:46,523
He needs help crossing from
this temporal strife

63
00:04:46,523 --> 00:04:49,643
to a place where time is
meaningless.

64
00:04:49,643 --> 00:04:51,483
For that, he'll need more
than a cleaner.

65
00:04:51,483 --> 00:04:53,683
A crime scene cleaner.

66
00:04:53,683 --> 00:04:57,763
Hmm.  Why am I justifying myself
to you, fox head? Who sent you here?

67
00:04:57,763 --> 00:05:01,523
The new owners engaged me to guide
this spirit to his rest.

68
00:05:01,523 --> 00:05:03,563
WHISTLING

69
00:05:05,083 --> 00:05:08,243
Maybe I'm just overtired.
Maybe I'm imagining you.

70
00:05:09,923 --> 00:05:12,163
What the...?

71
00:05:12,163 --> 00:05:14,363
What is that?  Mugwort.

72
00:05:14,363 --> 00:05:17,163
Mate, that is the worst thing I've
ever put in my mouth.

73
00:05:17,163 --> 00:05:19,363
And I was runner-up in a
welk-eating contest.

74
00:05:19,363 --> 00:05:20,843
FYI, the winner died.

75
00:05:20,843 --> 00:05:22,123
Finish the tea.

76
00:05:22,123 --> 00:05:25,203
And then leave the cleaning to those
with a higher purpose.

77
00:05:32,043 --> 00:05:33,843
Look, I don't need this, mate.

78
00:05:33,843 --> 00:05:35,043
Before the day even started,

79
00:05:35,043 --> 00:05:36,603
I crashed my van cos
I hit an owl, so...

80
00:05:36,603 --> 00:05:39,283
Wait. Did you just say an owl?

81
00:05:39,283 --> 00:05:40,523
Yes.

82
00:05:40,523 --> 00:05:41,963
You should leave.

83
00:05:41,963 --> 00:05:44,403
WHISTLING Stop doing that.

84
00:05:44,403 --> 00:05:46,163
You clearly don't know the
significance

85
00:05:46,163 --> 00:05:48,003
of a collision with an owl.
No, I don't.

86
00:05:48,003 --> 00:05:50,723
Because they didn't offer
GCSE Horseshit when I was at school.

87
00:05:50,723 --> 00:05:52,483
What became of it?

88
00:05:52,483 --> 00:05:53,923
What? I don't know.

89
00:05:53,923 --> 00:05:56,203
It smashed off the windscreen,
I presume it's dead.

90
00:05:56,203 --> 00:05:57,683
Sort of bounced off.

91
00:05:57,683 --> 00:05:59,123
Bounced?

92
00:05:59,123 --> 00:06:00,403
You have to go back.

93
00:06:00,403 --> 00:06:02,203
Yeah, I do. To get my stuff.

94
00:06:02,203 --> 00:06:03,643
You must locate the owl.

95
00:06:03,643 --> 00:06:05,483
It must not be left in pain.

96
00:06:05,483 --> 00:06:06,963
You have to finish it.

97
00:06:06,963 --> 00:06:08,323
What?!

98
00:06:08,323 --> 00:06:11,603
You go back if you're so keen on
roadkill mercy.

99
00:06:11,603 --> 00:06:13,283
It's probably how you got your hat.

100
00:06:13,283 --> 00:06:15,083
Go and get yourself
an owl glove as well.

101
00:06:15,083 --> 00:06:16,443
I'll clean up while you're gone.

102
00:06:16,443 --> 00:06:19,723
No, I can't leave this place
until my work here is done.  Right.

103
00:06:19,723 --> 00:06:22,083
So you get to sit around sipping
hot mystic piss

104
00:06:22,083 --> 00:06:24,043
while I go and murder an owl
with a shovel.

105
00:06:24,043 --> 00:06:26,083
I didn't say anything
about a shovel.

106
00:06:26,083 --> 00:06:29,363
The most humane thing
to do would be...

107
00:06:29,363 --> 00:06:30,923
It's an owl, mate.

108
00:06:30,923 --> 00:06:32,603
I'll be there all day.

109
00:06:41,043 --> 00:06:42,403
Gross.

110
00:06:42,403 --> 00:06:44,403
Well, that's going in a skip
for a start.

111
00:06:44,403 --> 00:06:47,883
No physical objects may leave
this space.  Eh?

112
00:06:50,363 --> 00:06:52,163
Look, how long do you need?

113
00:06:52,163 --> 00:06:54,483
Depends.  Right, best-case scenario.

114
00:06:54,483 --> 00:06:56,723
20 mins.  Oh, worst?

115
00:06:56,723 --> 00:06:58,443
21 days.

116
00:06:58,443 --> 00:07:00,403
OK. Enough.

117
00:07:00,403 --> 00:07:03,003
I am not going to hang around while
you dance around the room

118
00:07:03,003 --> 00:07:05,043
with your nads out, or whatever
it is you do.

119
00:07:05,043 --> 00:07:07,603
You've got the time it takes me
to go back to the van.

120
00:07:11,403 --> 00:07:13,443
HE HUMS

121
00:07:17,643 --> 00:07:20,683
Argh! Oh, oh, oh!

122
00:07:20,683 --> 00:07:23,243
Oooooohhh!

123
00:07:23,243 --> 00:07:27,603
Yes, please! Yes, please! Yes,
please! Yes, please! Yes, please!

124
00:07:27,603 --> 00:07:30,043
Meow! WICKY CHUCKLES

125
00:07:30,043 --> 00:07:32,083
I'm sorry. There's nothing funny

126
00:07:32,083 --> 00:07:34,123
about ushering the spirits of
the dead

127
00:07:34,123 --> 00:07:35,763
to their final place of rest.

128
00:07:35,763 --> 00:07:38,283
There are some funny things
about it.

129
00:07:38,283 --> 00:07:40,723
HE HUMS

130
00:07:40,723 --> 00:07:43,683
CLACKING

131
00:07:45,523 --> 00:07:47,163
I'm going back to the van.

132
00:07:47,163 --> 00:07:49,243
Chant and click faster.

133
00:07:54,963 --> 00:07:57,523
Hey!  Sacred sage from the
Mojave Desert.

134
00:07:57,523 --> 00:08:00,123
And?  For your van.

135
00:08:00,123 --> 00:08:03,003
Mate, it needs a mechanic
and a panel beater, not a...

136
00:08:03,003 --> 00:08:05,083
..big herb.  Burn the sage.

137
00:08:05,083 --> 00:08:08,883
Extinguish despair,
and chant these words.

138
00:08:08,883 --> 00:08:14,323
Hey-ey-ey-ey, mingala.

139
00:08:14,323 --> 00:08:16,283
You may then drive your
van once more.

140
00:08:16,283 --> 00:08:18,523
It's a traditional wolf chant.
Is it?

141
00:08:18,523 --> 00:08:20,763
Do you see this?
Yeah, I've noticed it.

142
00:08:21,763 --> 00:08:23,883
Foxes are a conduit to wisdom.

143
00:08:23,883 --> 00:08:26,723
Foxes wake me up by
shagging in bins.

144
00:08:29,363 --> 00:08:30,683
WICKY SIGHS

145
00:08:30,683 --> 00:08:32,963
CLACKING

146
00:08:32,963 --> 00:08:35,003
SHAMAN CHANTS

147
00:08:38,243 --> 00:08:40,283
OWL HOOTS

148
00:08:44,443 --> 00:08:47,443
ENGINE CRANKS

149
00:08:47,443 --> 00:08:49,603
Come on. Go on!

150
00:08:56,723 --> 00:08:59,643
ENGINE CRANKS
Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on!

151
00:09:16,603 --> 00:09:18,643
Hey, mingala.

152
00:09:19,643 --> 00:09:21,683
Hey, hey, mingala.

153
00:09:23,603 --> 00:09:26,563
CHANTING: Hey, hey, mingala.

154
00:09:29,043 --> 00:09:30,763
ENGINE STARTS

155
00:09:32,083 --> 00:09:33,843
Shut up!

156
00:09:47,763 --> 00:09:49,803
POP MUSIC PLAYS IN THE DISTANCE

157
00:09:49,803 --> 00:09:52,123
# Sweet like chocolate, boy

158
00:09:53,403 --> 00:09:55,523
# Sweet like chocolate

159
00:09:57,003 --> 00:09:59,803
# You bring me so much joy

160
00:10:00,843 --> 00:10:03,203
# Sweet like chocolate... #

161
00:10:06,203 --> 00:10:08,243
MUSIC STOPS AND SHAMAN CHANTS

162
00:10:08,243 --> 00:10:10,083
Oh, that's funny.

163
00:10:10,083 --> 00:10:12,043
I could've sworn I heard
Sweet Like Chocolate

164
00:10:12,043 --> 00:10:13,883
by Shanks & Bigfoot.

165
00:10:13,883 --> 00:10:16,443
Your van started, didn't it?  Look...

166
00:10:18,563 --> 00:10:20,683
Are you done, or what?
I need to get on.

167
00:10:20,683 --> 00:10:23,603
Don't fight it, feel it.

168
00:10:23,603 --> 00:10:25,963
Mate, I don't want to be here
all night.

169
00:10:25,963 --> 00:10:28,563
I have a spiritual conduit to build.

170
00:10:28,563 --> 00:10:30,843
I'll leave you to potter around

171
00:10:30,843 --> 00:10:34,283
in the shallow waters of
human consciousness.

172
00:10:34,283 --> 00:10:36,603
Hmm. Who said that?

173
00:10:36,603 --> 00:10:39,123
Was it Shanks or Bigfoot?

174
00:10:39,123 --> 00:10:42,243
Your sadness is a heavy
burden to carry.

175
00:10:42,243 --> 00:10:43,963
You are so smug.

176
00:10:43,963 --> 00:10:46,683
What did you have for breakfast,
did you have a bowl of...

177
00:10:46,683 --> 00:10:48,443
..smug?  Hmm.

178
00:10:56,003 --> 00:10:59,083
Ah! Smug of coffee.

179
00:10:59,083 --> 00:11:00,283
Yeah!

180
00:11:02,843 --> 00:11:05,843
TROPICAL HOUSE MUSIC PLAYS

181
00:11:47,603 --> 00:11:51,523
No!

182
00:11:55,843 --> 00:11:57,563
And what are you going
to do with them?

183
00:11:57,563 --> 00:11:58,883
Liberate them.

184
00:11:58,883 --> 00:12:00,363
If you take their earthly life,

185
00:12:00,363 --> 00:12:03,123
you condemn them to
a spiritual halfway house.

186
00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:05,163
FLY BUZZES

187
00:12:07,643 --> 00:12:09,283
Oh!

188
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:12,083
I need to get on, mate.

189
00:12:12,083 --> 00:12:14,603
I trust you will bury this
little one.  Yeah, yeah.

190
00:12:28,763 --> 00:12:30,403
What's that?

191
00:12:30,403 --> 00:12:31,483
A lemongrass root.

192
00:12:31,483 --> 00:12:33,323
Have a Penguin, mate,
for God's sake.

193
00:12:33,323 --> 00:12:34,763
Mm.

194
00:12:35,883 --> 00:12:37,363
Do you get paid for all this, then?

195
00:12:37,363 --> 00:12:39,403
Money is meaningless to me.

196
00:12:39,403 --> 00:12:42,643
Yes, I'm sure.
Go on, tell me. I'll tell you.

197
00:12:42,643 --> 00:12:43,883
£450.

198
00:12:43,883 --> 00:12:45,443
What?!

199
00:12:45,443 --> 00:12:47,083
For that?

200
00:12:47,083 --> 00:12:48,323
Are you joking?!

201
00:12:48,323 --> 00:12:49,443
How much do you get paid?

202
00:12:49,443 --> 00:12:50,563
I'm not telling you.

203
00:12:50,563 --> 00:12:52,843
But more, because it's real.

204
00:12:52,843 --> 00:12:54,123
You're irritated by people

205
00:12:54,123 --> 00:12:56,323
with an alternative
belief system, aren't you?

206
00:12:56,323 --> 00:12:58,363
Look, I'm sorry, mate.

207
00:12:58,363 --> 00:13:00,043
I just think it's all made up.

208
00:13:00,043 --> 00:13:01,683
By who?

209
00:13:01,683 --> 00:13:03,363
By people who need to believe it.

210
00:13:05,763 --> 00:13:07,603
Chatted to any ghosts yet?

211
00:13:07,603 --> 00:13:10,803
Perhaps you might believe
your own eyes.

212
00:13:10,803 --> 00:13:13,243
Perhaps I should make contact.

213
00:13:13,243 --> 00:13:15,363
With a spooky tramp?

214
00:13:15,363 --> 00:13:17,523
He is one of the spirits here.

215
00:13:17,523 --> 00:13:20,483
Let us see whom can be summoned.

216
00:13:20,483 --> 00:13:22,523
RATTLING

217
00:13:24,843 --> 00:13:26,883
DINGING

218
00:13:32,883 --> 00:13:34,163
Is that the homeless guy?

219
00:13:34,163 --> 00:13:36,003
Is that him, in the photo?

220
00:13:36,003 --> 00:13:38,203
That is a photograph of
the deceased.

221
00:13:38,203 --> 00:13:41,403
I sometimes find it can help
speed up connection.

222
00:13:41,403 --> 00:13:43,523
Yeah, I know that problem.

223
00:13:43,523 --> 00:13:46,163
My Wi-Fi slows down after ten
because the neighbour's watching

224
00:13:46,163 --> 00:13:48,643
conspiracy theory videos.

225
00:13:48,643 --> 00:13:50,763
We share the same router.

226
00:13:50,763 --> 00:13:52,763
I'm stealing my neighbour's
internet.

227
00:13:53,803 --> 00:13:55,763
Do you know,
I've never admitted that before.

228
00:13:55,763 --> 00:13:57,803
Maybe you are magic.

229
00:13:57,803 --> 00:13:59,843
RATTLING

230
00:14:01,923 --> 00:14:05,803
HE WAILS

231
00:14:10,643 --> 00:14:11,963
Hello.

232
00:14:13,123 --> 00:14:15,003
Would you like to come through?

233
00:14:15,003 --> 00:14:16,683
Oh, come on.

234
00:14:20,363 --> 00:14:22,203
Hello, duck.

235
00:14:22,203 --> 00:14:23,923
Muriel here.

236
00:14:23,923 --> 00:14:27,843
I was a housekeeper here in 1872.

237
00:14:27,843 --> 00:14:29,643
Hard work, it was.

238
00:14:29,643 --> 00:14:33,563
The mangle broke and, you see, the
rollers weren't as close together

239
00:14:33,563 --> 00:14:36,003
as they should've been and they
didn't wring out the water

240
00:14:36,003 --> 00:14:38,043
as much as they should have.
Told the master,

241
00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:40,123
but he said I'd have to make do.

242
00:14:40,123 --> 00:14:42,723
Anyway, nice talking to you.

243
00:14:42,723 --> 00:14:44,003
Ta-ra.

244
00:14:46,243 --> 00:14:49,203
Thanks, Muriel. Goodbye.

245
00:14:50,523 --> 00:14:51,843
Is that it?

246
00:14:51,843 --> 00:14:53,643
Muriel came from the spirit world

247
00:14:53,643 --> 00:14:57,483
just to tell you about her knackered
mangle from 150 years ago?

248
00:14:57,483 --> 00:15:00,003
Clearly it still rankles.
Mate, I've got to get on.

249
00:15:00,003 --> 00:15:02,363
RASPY BREATHS

250
00:15:05,523 --> 00:15:09,163
HIGH-PITCHED:  # Three blind mice

251
00:15:09,163 --> 00:15:13,163
# Three blind mice. #

252
00:15:13,163 --> 00:15:15,243
Hello, who's there?

253
00:15:15,243 --> 00:15:17,843
HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:
This is Sebastian.

254
00:15:17,843 --> 00:15:21,923
I'm the third and youngest son of
Clarence and Julie.

255
00:15:21,923 --> 00:15:24,203
Julie? For God's sake.

256
00:15:24,203 --> 00:15:25,763
Yes, Mummy.

257
00:15:25,763 --> 00:15:28,723
She was very upset when I got TB.

258
00:15:28,723 --> 00:15:31,923
HE COUGHS
I had to go to the sanatorium

259
00:15:31,923 --> 00:15:34,923
for a while, but they could do
no more for me.

260
00:15:34,923 --> 00:15:37,683
HE COUGHS So I had to come back here

261
00:15:37,683 --> 00:15:39,923
for my final days.

262
00:15:39,923 --> 00:15:42,883
REGULAR VOICE:  Sebastian?
HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:  Yes.

263
00:15:42,883 --> 00:15:45,523
Do you see that light?

264
00:15:45,523 --> 00:15:47,883
Yes, it's very bright, isn't it?

265
00:15:47,883 --> 00:15:49,763
Yes, Sebastian.

266
00:15:49,763 --> 00:15:52,403
Now, I need you to walk
towards that light

267
00:15:52,403 --> 00:15:55,283
and then you will be reunited
with your mummy.

268
00:15:55,283 --> 00:15:58,683
Oh, I see. That's very nice.

269
00:15:58,683 --> 00:16:00,923
Thanks a lot. All the best.

270
00:16:00,923 --> 00:16:02,163
Goodbye.

271
00:16:04,323 --> 00:16:06,483
HE SIGHS AND PANTS

272
00:16:15,003 --> 00:16:17,163
Mate, can I hire you?

273
00:16:17,163 --> 00:16:19,603
The lads down the pub
would love this.

274
00:16:19,603 --> 00:16:21,083
I've got to get on.

275
00:16:23,203 --> 00:16:25,563
Ooh. If my nan swings by,

276
00:16:25,563 --> 00:16:27,843
can you ask her where the keys
to the garage are?

277
00:16:27,843 --> 00:16:29,883
I want to get that mower sold.

278
00:16:55,123 --> 00:16:57,843
I've just received a message
from the other side.

279
00:16:57,843 --> 00:16:59,883
You shouldn't be here.  Oh.

280
00:16:59,883 --> 00:17:01,203
This has got to stop.

281
00:17:01,203 --> 00:17:02,643
You're a negative presence.

282
00:17:02,643 --> 00:17:05,283
The owl was a sign.
I should've known.

283
00:17:05,283 --> 00:17:08,563
Look, mate. The game's up.
I know you're not a shaman.

284
00:17:08,563 --> 00:17:10,603
I heard you listening to
Sweet Like Chocolate

285
00:17:10,603 --> 00:17:11,843
by Shanks & Bigfoot.

286
00:17:11,843 --> 00:17:14,083
Can't a shaman enjoy
Shanks & Bigfoot?

287
00:17:14,083 --> 00:17:16,163
Oh. SHAMAN SNIFFS

288
00:17:18,163 --> 00:17:19,483
What are you doing?

289
00:17:19,483 --> 00:17:21,003
Your aura.

290
00:17:21,003 --> 00:17:23,203
Please stop sniffing my aura.

291
00:17:23,203 --> 00:17:26,323
It bears the heavy stench of regret.

292
00:17:26,323 --> 00:17:28,443
You distress the spirits
in this place.

293
00:17:28,443 --> 00:17:31,803
If you are to stay,
I must cleanse you.

294
00:17:32,843 --> 00:17:34,083
What do you need to do?

295
00:17:34,083 --> 00:17:35,523
Using my hands on your body,

296
00:17:35,523 --> 00:17:38,363
I will deliver good energy
while simultaneously

297
00:17:38,363 --> 00:17:40,283
extracting any negative vibrations.

298
00:17:41,443 --> 00:17:44,403
Like reiki.
Yeah, it is. It is a bit like reiki.

299
00:17:44,403 --> 00:17:46,243
Right.  This way?

300
00:17:46,243 --> 00:17:47,683
HE GROANS

301
00:17:51,643 --> 00:17:53,283
Close your eyes.

302
00:17:55,523 --> 00:17:57,563
Is this too intimate?
Just get on with it.

303
00:18:01,123 --> 00:18:02,923
You've had your appendix out.

304
00:18:02,923 --> 00:18:04,043
I have, actually.

305
00:18:05,043 --> 00:18:07,083
You can just sense that?
Sh, sh, sh, sh.

306
00:18:10,243 --> 00:18:12,283
SHAMAN HUMS

307
00:18:15,443 --> 00:18:17,963
RASPY GROANS

308
00:18:20,363 --> 00:18:21,843
Ah!

309
00:18:21,843 --> 00:18:23,883
Someone doesn't want you here.

310
00:18:23,883 --> 00:18:26,483
Yeah, me. I don't want me here.

311
00:18:26,483 --> 00:18:28,483
RASPING

312
00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:31,123
Keith.

313
00:18:32,643 --> 00:18:35,883
Welcome, Keith.

314
00:18:35,883 --> 00:18:37,203
Who are you talking to?

315
00:18:37,203 --> 00:18:39,123
I don't know anyone called Keith.

316
00:18:39,123 --> 00:18:42,683
Is that Keith Patterson?

317
00:18:42,683 --> 00:18:43,923
Hang on!

318
00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:46,923
I do know someone called
Keith Patterson.

319
00:18:46,923 --> 00:18:48,963
From when I was a kid.

320
00:18:48,963 --> 00:18:51,003
From school?  Yeah.

321
00:18:54,763 --> 00:18:55,923
That's Keith!

322
00:18:55,923 --> 00:18:58,083
Keith's the dead homeless guy.

323
00:18:58,083 --> 00:18:59,523
Ah.

324
00:18:59,523 --> 00:19:01,003
Weasel's put you up to this.

325
00:19:01,003 --> 00:19:02,203
This is a wind-up.

326
00:19:02,203 --> 00:19:06,123
Keith says he remembers
you from school.

327
00:19:06,123 --> 00:19:08,963
But that you didn't call him

328
00:19:08,963 --> 00:19:11,363
Keith Patterson then.

329
00:19:11,363 --> 00:19:13,163
Oh, no.

330
00:19:13,163 --> 00:19:14,683
He used to wet himself all the time,

331
00:19:14,683 --> 00:19:16,243
so we called him Pissy Patterson.

332
00:19:17,523 --> 00:19:19,163
Peepee Patterson.

333
00:19:19,163 --> 00:19:21,243
Urine Geller. Slash.

334
00:19:21,243 --> 00:19:22,883
The Lemonade-Trousered Kid.

335
00:19:22,883 --> 00:19:26,163
Milk, milk, lemonade, around the
corner, Patterson's pissed himself.

336
00:19:26,163 --> 00:19:28,563
Wee Willie Tinkle.
Duck-billed platy-piss.

337
00:19:28,563 --> 00:19:31,403
Pissy Hynde. Packet of pissps.

338
00:19:31,403 --> 00:19:33,083
Quentin Pissp.

339
00:19:33,083 --> 00:19:34,843
Father Pissmas.  Sh.

340
00:19:36,163 --> 00:19:37,803
Piss Akabusi.

341
00:19:37,803 --> 00:19:39,443
Henry Pissinger.

342
00:19:39,443 --> 00:19:41,963
Packet of custard cream piss-cuits.

343
00:19:41,963 --> 00:19:43,603
I just made that one up.

344
00:19:44,963 --> 00:19:47,203
Why did you bait the child so?

345
00:19:47,203 --> 00:19:49,763
Oh. I don't know, we just...

346
00:19:51,003 --> 00:19:53,963
This is ridiculous.
As if you're speaking to him.

347
00:20:09,723 --> 00:20:11,523
Are you OK?

348
00:20:11,523 --> 00:20:13,203
Yeah.

349
00:20:13,203 --> 00:20:16,283
Just really sad, innit?
What happens in some people's lives.

350
00:20:17,683 --> 00:20:19,923
Did you know him a long time?

351
00:20:19,923 --> 00:20:23,683
Yeah. I was at schools with him,
he was even in my Cub pack.

352
00:20:25,403 --> 00:20:27,803
He was a big fan of Shakin' Stevens.

353
00:20:27,803 --> 00:20:28,963
Good friends?

354
00:20:28,963 --> 00:20:30,123
With Shaky?

355
00:20:30,123 --> 00:20:31,363
I've never met him.

356
00:20:31,363 --> 00:20:32,643
I think he lives in Wales.

357
00:20:34,163 --> 00:20:36,643
Ah, he was a good lad.

358
00:20:36,643 --> 00:20:38,843
Used to get into fits of giggles.

359
00:20:38,843 --> 00:20:41,963
We'd tickle him and make him laugh
and he'd go off like a soda stream.

360
00:20:43,003 --> 00:20:45,203
The last thing I remember was

361
00:20:45,203 --> 00:20:47,883
we were in a school production of
The Wizard Of Oz together.

362
00:20:47,883 --> 00:20:50,483
I was the Scarecrow
and he was the Tinman.

363
00:20:50,483 --> 00:20:52,523
Keith was really nervous.

364
00:20:52,523 --> 00:20:55,643
And Matt Bainbridge, who was the
Cowardly Lion,

365
00:20:55,643 --> 00:20:57,683
he was trying to make him laugh,
you know?

366
00:20:57,683 --> 00:20:59,603
"Pull my finger," and all that.

367
00:20:59,603 --> 00:21:02,003
Well, that's when it started.

368
00:21:03,363 --> 00:21:06,083
It was just a trickle at first.

369
00:21:06,083 --> 00:21:08,803
But then it got stronger and louder.

370
00:21:08,803 --> 00:21:12,643
You can imagine in that costume.
I mean, it was made of tin.

371
00:21:12,643 --> 00:21:15,083
It sounded like someone was
filling a watering can up.

372
00:21:16,523 --> 00:21:18,603
All the kids started
laughing, and...

373
00:21:20,043 --> 00:21:21,403
..Keith stopped.

374
00:21:21,403 --> 00:21:22,763
Laughing?

375
00:21:22,763 --> 00:21:24,003
And pissing.

376
00:21:25,723 --> 00:21:27,363
Now it all makes sense.

377
00:21:31,003 --> 00:21:32,363
Eh?

378
00:21:35,963 --> 00:21:37,763
What makes sense?

379
00:21:37,763 --> 00:21:40,323
The negative energy, I told you.

380
00:21:40,323 --> 00:21:43,043
If you died and were trying to
cross to the other side,

381
00:21:43,043 --> 00:21:45,603
would you want to do it in front of
the man who routinely

382
00:21:45,603 --> 00:21:47,443
humiliated you?

383
00:21:47,443 --> 00:21:50,003
Poor Keith Patterson.

384
00:21:52,323 --> 00:21:54,923
Keith, Keith Patterson?

385
00:21:54,923 --> 00:21:56,603
Is that you?

386
00:21:56,603 --> 00:21:58,963
Stop it.  He's here.

387
00:21:58,963 --> 00:22:01,723
He wants to speak to you.
Well, good luck with that,

388
00:22:01,723 --> 00:22:03,563
because I remember exactly
how he speaks.

389
00:22:03,563 --> 00:22:05,603
High-pitched voice and a lisp.
Off you go.

390
00:22:05,603 --> 00:22:08,363
He says he doesn't want
to talk through me.

391
00:22:08,363 --> 00:22:10,363
Oh, really?

392
00:22:10,363 --> 00:22:12,803
He's shy.  A shy ghost?

393
00:22:12,803 --> 00:22:15,003
You've got some front,
I'll give you that.

394
00:22:15,003 --> 00:22:17,763
Is your name Paul Wickstead?

395
00:22:17,763 --> 00:22:19,563
Yes.

396
00:22:19,563 --> 00:22:22,643
Oh. Well done for being
able to read.

397
00:22:22,643 --> 00:22:24,803
Wicky.

398
00:22:24,803 --> 00:22:27,963
He says you preferred
to be called Wicky?

399
00:22:27,963 --> 00:22:30,963
I never told you that.  He did.

400
00:22:30,963 --> 00:22:34,043
Bloody hell.  He says...

401
00:22:34,043 --> 00:22:37,563
"How would you like to have been
known as the piss-trict nurse?"

402
00:22:37,563 --> 00:22:39,763
I'd forgotten that one.
It is a good one, isn't it?

403
00:22:39,763 --> 00:22:43,923
You lit a touchpaper that led to a
life of problems.

404
00:22:43,923 --> 00:22:47,083
No!  I'm afraid so, Wicky.

405
00:22:47,083 --> 00:22:48,963
Come, talk to him.

406
00:22:51,843 --> 00:22:53,883
GASPING

407
00:22:58,963 --> 00:23:01,243
Keith, I...  No.

408
00:23:01,243 --> 00:23:02,963
To him.

409
00:23:05,683 --> 00:23:07,723
Keith, we...

410
00:23:09,123 --> 00:23:11,883
I thought we were just
having a laugh.

411
00:23:11,883 --> 00:23:14,403
Because you were always laughing.

412
00:23:14,403 --> 00:23:17,803
I didn't really stop to think how
it made you feel.

413
00:23:17,803 --> 00:23:20,003
It was wrong.

414
00:23:20,003 --> 00:23:24,763
Oh, God. Even putting that cowpat
under your pillow at Cub camp.

415
00:23:24,763 --> 00:23:27,483
He says he didn't know about
the cowpat.  Damn it!

416
00:23:27,483 --> 00:23:30,483
But that he forgives you.

417
00:23:30,483 --> 00:23:32,843
For everything.

418
00:23:32,843 --> 00:23:36,723
He says he'd really like you to
attend his funeral.

419
00:23:36,723 --> 00:23:38,443
Oh, OK, I can do that.

420
00:23:38,443 --> 00:23:41,283
And he'd really like you
to organise the wake.

421
00:23:41,283 --> 00:23:43,563
He'd like a party at his
homeless shelter.

422
00:23:43,563 --> 00:23:47,563
Sorry, what?  He says he'd like
a big send-off with all his friends.

423
00:23:47,563 --> 00:23:50,843
White tablecloths,
candles on the tables.  OK.

424
00:23:50,843 --> 00:23:51,923
A free bar.

425
00:23:51,923 --> 00:23:53,803
Is that a good idea at
a homeless shelter?

426
00:23:53,803 --> 00:23:56,603
And a Shakin' Stevens tribute act.

427
00:23:58,043 --> 00:23:59,683
OK.

428
00:23:59,683 --> 00:24:01,923
Can you tell him I'll do my best?

429
00:24:01,923 --> 00:24:03,563
And also...  Oh, sorry.

430
00:24:03,563 --> 00:24:05,203
He said he's got to go now,
actually.

431
00:24:05,203 --> 00:24:07,803
Yeah, but could you just tell him...
Yeah, sorry. Keith!

432
00:24:07,803 --> 00:24:09,123
Keith?

433
00:24:09,123 --> 00:24:10,803
Walk towards the light.

434
00:24:12,403 --> 00:24:14,843
If you have to go, go.

435
00:24:14,843 --> 00:24:17,643
It's better now than on the journey.

436
00:24:17,643 --> 00:24:20,403
Yeah, if you can hold it.

437
00:24:20,403 --> 00:24:22,163
OK.

438
00:24:22,163 --> 00:24:23,803
There you go.

439
00:24:23,803 --> 00:24:25,443
And you're through.

440
00:24:26,843 --> 00:24:28,403
What... What happened?

441
00:24:28,403 --> 00:24:29,603
Just a bit of cramp.

442
00:24:29,603 --> 00:24:31,243
Oh, yeah.

443
00:24:38,563 --> 00:24:40,643
So, you're all right for the 16th?

444
00:24:40,643 --> 00:24:42,523
Yeah.

445
00:24:42,523 --> 00:24:45,643
No, I'm going to get Mervyn to do
one of his curries.

446
00:24:45,643 --> 00:24:49,203
Yeah, yeah. I want white
tablecloths, candles, the lot.

447
00:24:49,203 --> 00:24:51,243
All right. Nice one.

448
00:24:51,243 --> 00:24:52,883
Ta-ra.

449
00:24:54,763 --> 00:24:56,403
Oh.

450
00:24:56,403 --> 00:24:59,243
All right? You're off, then?  Yeah.

451
00:24:59,243 --> 00:25:01,403
Going to meet some friends.  Right.

452
00:25:01,403 --> 00:25:02,883
What, at Stonehenge, or something?

453
00:25:02,883 --> 00:25:04,243
Zizzi's.

454
00:25:04,243 --> 00:25:06,563
Shamans have to eat.  Oh.

455
00:25:08,043 --> 00:25:10,683
And he definitely got through, yeah?

456
00:25:10,683 --> 00:25:13,163
Keith is at peace now.  Mm.

457
00:25:15,723 --> 00:25:17,563
It was nice to meet you, Paul.

458
00:25:17,563 --> 00:25:19,443
Wicky.  Wicky.

459
00:25:19,443 --> 00:25:21,723
Nice to meet you, Dan Watson.

460
00:25:36,243 --> 00:25:38,283
BEEPING

461
00:25:43,443 --> 00:25:45,483
ENGINE STARTS

462
00:25:45,483 --> 00:25:47,803
MUSIC: Sweet Like Chocolate
by Shanks & Bigfoot

463
00:25:47,803 --> 00:25:51,523
# You're sweet like chocolate, boy

464
00:25:51,523 --> 00:25:53,643
# Sweet like chocolate... #

465
00:25:53,643 --> 00:25:55,483
CAR HORN TOOTS

466
00:25:55,483 --> 00:25:59,003
# You bring me so much joy

467
00:25:59,003 --> 00:26:01,283
# Sweet like chocolate... #

468
00:26:03,483 --> 00:26:04,723
Ugh!

469
00:26:14,723 --> 00:26:17,203
SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS

470
00:26:28,243 --> 00:26:30,283
SHAMAN:  Hello, duck.

471
00:26:30,283 --> 00:26:32,483
It's Muriel here.

472
00:26:35,283 --> 00:26:37,123
This is Sebastian.

473
00:26:37,123 --> 00:26:39,683
I've got TB. HE COUGHS

474
00:26:39,683 --> 00:26:44,083
I'm the third and youngest son of
Clarence and Julie.

475
00:26:45,683 --> 00:26:48,883
Is that Keith Patterson?

476
00:26:48,883 --> 00:26:51,883
He says you preferred to
be called Wicky?

477
00:27:20,243 --> 00:27:23,043
MUSIC: You Drive Me Crazy
by Shakin' Stevens

478
00:27:28,963 --> 00:27:32,883
# You know, baby,
when you're in my arms

479
00:27:32,883 --> 00:27:35,883
# I can feel
your loving magic charms

480
00:27:35,883 --> 00:27:38,163
# You drive me crazy

481
00:27:39,643 --> 00:27:41,963
# You drive me crazy

482
00:27:44,403 --> 00:27:48,283
# And when I'm looking in those eyes

483
00:27:48,283 --> 00:27:51,283
# I start a-floating
round in paradise

484
00:27:51,283 --> 00:27:53,883
# You drive me crazy

485
00:27:55,203 --> 00:27:57,523
# You drive me crazy... #

486
00:28:01,123 --> 00:28:03,443
OWL HOOTS

487
00:28:03,443 --> 00:28:07,563
# I love you, baby,
and it's plain to see

488
00:28:07,563 --> 00:28:10,643
# I love you, honey
It was meant to be

489
00:28:10,643 --> 00:28:13,003
# You drive me crazy

490
00:28:14,323 --> 00:28:16,723
# You drive me crazy

491
00:28:18,283 --> 00:28:20,803
# You drive me crazy

492
00:28:22,043 --> 00:28:24,803
# You drive me crazy. #