ENGINE REVS
SAT NAV: Re-routing.
Turn around where possible. Eh?
Re-routing. OK... OK, look.
Sure, let's re-route.
In 200 metres, your destination is on your left.
Oh! Where did those bollards come from?
Re-routing. Oh, look at the state of that. Oh, my God. I'm in hell.
I'm actually in hell.
At the roundabout, take the second exit.
I can't take the second exit any more. In 200 metres,
go straight ahead. Since when was that a bus lane?
HORN HONKING Yes! Sorry!
MAN: You moron!
I'm doing my be... I'm doing my best!
Re-routing. Turn around where possible.
Turn around where? Proceed to the route.
Oh, you heartless machine.
Re-routing. Robots are shit! You're a shit robot!
Continue straight ahead for one mile to your destination.
Bollards...
BUZZING
MAN OVER INTERCOM: Hello, this is the access team.
Lausen Cleaners, I'm here for the statue.
None of us are at our desks at the moment,
but if you leave a message after the tone, we'll get back to you
as soon as possible. Thank you. Hello?
LINE GOES DEAD Doesn't work, that, la'.
Might as well talk to a cup.
Oh, right. Well, can you let me through, then?
I'm here for the statue.
Nah, mate, I'm sorry.
Got an outside company now that deals with the access.
Eh? Who do I talk to, then?
I wouldn't know, my mate.
See, the department that deals with the access company,
they're not about that much.
Based at home, mainly, you know.
It's called...agile working.
My God, the world's in a mess.
HE CHUCKLES
Oi! What do YOU do, then?
You're not the first to ask that, la'.
These days, I'm unsure myself.
They say, "Do it, Vince," and I'll have a go.
OK.
Hiya! Whoa... Sorry.
Council Officer Frankel, Pepper. You're with the council.
Urban Redevelopment with culture brief, yes.
And you are our valiant cleaner.
I'm a crime scene cleaner, and your one-way system
is bloody ridiculous. SHE SCOFFS
I hardly think a £3 million-pedestrianisation
re-routing system can be described as ridiculous.
BOTH LAUGH It's rubbish.
It's rubbish.
Now, we are in a vehicle-free zone...
It's only a 15-minute or so walk from here if we get a wriggle on.
Eh? Can you not put these bollards down?
I'll drive across the pedestrian area, it's a maintenance job.
Ooh, no, that's the responsibility of the access team... Access team.
..and they follow an agile working system. They don't come to work,
I've heard, yeah. Yes.
Anyway, pop your van over there and let's get you off to the statue.
Pop? Yes.
Yeah.
Are these shops all right? You're making people walk a very long way.
It's just a period of adjustment.
I like to think we've given the town a shot in the arm.
Yeah? I like to think if I hold my stomach in when I talk to women,
I look thin.
The consensus is, people like a low-emission town centre.
What people? There are no people.
And what's he? A mirage?
CHEERFULLY: Morning!
How are we finding the pedestrianisation zone?
You've ruined this town!
SHE CHUCKLES So many characters around here.
So, this new statue...
..given the feelings towards the previous incarnation of the statue,
well, that was problematic,
but once it was gone, there was a palpable sense of relief.
Especially for me. I'd been lobbying for years to get rid of it.
We've even had a focus group approved
and a fully-budgeted alternative all lined up,
and thankfully, everyone was thrilled with it.
But then, out of the blue, this happens.
Do you mean there was a statue and that statue was replaced
and now someone's vandalised that statue?
Yes.
You use a lot of words.
Your meetings must go on for ages.
Hmm, well, I'm sorry if you find me a little verbose.
Hey, well, we're all verbose sometimes, aren't we?
Jesus Christ, I'm verbose as shit, myself.
You don't know what verbose means, do you?
No.
And there it is.
Oh, my God.
Quite striking, isn't it?
We wanted something that reflected a rich period in the town's history,
so we did some research and then...
Put a big bollock on a plinth.
Put a what?
A big bollock.
A giant plum. A huge gonad.
It's not a gonad. It's a sweet meat.
A nut. A teabag.
It's a knick-knack. A knacker.
A love spud.
It's a purple popper.
It's a Jacob.
I know one of grandfather's clock weights when I see it.
I'm finding this quite triggering, actually.
Who's triggered? I'm triggered.
Hello. I'm Wicky. You've put a big testicle in your town.
It's...a chickpea.
Is it? Yes!
Why? Because the town used to import chickpeas.
I've been coming to this town for years.
No-one's ever mentioned chickpeas.
1856-1858. It was quite the hub.
What's that on it?
Goose blood, we think.
Oh, God, is that part of council training these days,
identifying bird blood?
Is that what we're wasting taxpayers' money on?
There's a goose beak down there.
All right, Midsomer Murders, keep your clogs on.
Can you clean it, or not?
Of course I can.
You will have a gleaming golden plum within the hour.
Did you actually wink at me?
Do you know what? As I did it, I thought,
"I've misjudged my wink audience here."
It's funny, isn't it? I winked at a lollipop lady earlier
and she let me go before the kids.
Cos some women...
I am amazed you didn't wolf-whistle. At Jan?
She's hearing impaired. There's no point.
Shouldn't be in the job, really, to be honest with you.
It's bloody dangerous. Right. Must go.
I've got a planning subcommittee to attend.
You going to put a big boob on the town hall steps?
Pardon? Eh?
Oh, nothing.
You'd better get a wriggle on - it's miles away.
CHEERFULLY: Morning!
I've bloody chipped it.
I'm glad you agree. It is a carbuncle.
Hello.
You're not a photographer.
I'm not. And you're not a hurdler.
What?
Sorry, I thought it was a game.
I'm here to clean.
The public toilets are over there.
Oh, fair warning.
I defecated in each of the stalls myself,
to make a point.
God, you must be starving.
I'm not here for the bogs.
I'm here for the big, golden ball bag.
Oh, no, no. No, no. This doesn't need cleaning. Move on.
Eh? It's covered in blood.
Yes, goose blood.
Damn near three buckets of it. Walk on.
Right. Well, this isn't a question I thought I'd be asking,
but was it you that threw goose blood
onto the big, bronze chickpea, madam?
Maybe I did.
Maybe I didn't.
Is that goose blood on your tweed skirt?
Perhaps.
OK. I've got lots of questions jostling for position now,
but the frontrunner is, why?
Why would a woman want to take a stand about
the demise of a previously thriving market town?
Why would a lady seek to have a symbolic carbuncle removed
from a place where she once ran free, as a child?
It is a mystery, isn't it?
In much the same way as why would an illiterate
be sent to end a legitimate protest with his mop?
HE GASPS Illiterate?
I've just finished reading The Deathly Hallows.
OK. Fun's over. Clean-up time.
This is not fun!
This is popular protest.
I have a legal right to undertake it
and until the local press arrive to document it,
I will defend that right.
You've got the time it takes me to finish mixing these chemicals,
and then it is with great regret
that I shall be cleaning this statue, regardless.
I am playing darts in my local team tonight,
and for some reason, none of those boys can hit a double ten.
Some genetic abnormality of some kind, but that is where I come in.
Because I never miss it.
A game. A shot. In the mitch.
To the Brummie bomber.
Do you have a carer?
PHONE VIBRATES Yeah, I do. And here he is.
Yes, I'm there now.
Well, there are complications.
Not long, but I'm... I'm doing my best.
AHEM!
What are you doing?
Believe in the power of popular protest, yet?
I'm going to have to go back to the van now, it's bloody miles away!
Down with this chickpea! Down with all chickpeas.
The chickpea does not speak for us!
Hey! Bloody right!
This is going to make me pro-chickpea, if anything.
I'm the chickpea!
# We shall not We shall not be moved
# We shall not... # Yeah, yeah.
Don't worry, I'll get my stuff.
# We shall not... # I'll go back to the van again.
Yeah. I'll go back again, no problem!
Jesus Christ! # We shall not
# We shall not be moved
# We shall... # I'm the chickpea!
# We shall not We shall not be moved. #
What the..?
HE GRUNTS
Ooh, now, there is some suggestion that the supermarket
we gave planning permission for
has drawn trade away from the town centre,
but I'm excited to hear your ideas for regeneration.
Barbara. A vegan cheesemonger.
Why not? Yes, I mean, that's just the sort of lateral thinking
that'll get people coming back.
KNOCKING
Why don't we give free coffee to blue badge holders?
Uh, well... Jackpot.
Will you excuse me for a moment?
Thank you.
LOWERED VOICES: What are you doing? I need to speak to you.
This is not the time or the place. I need to speak to you now.
You can't just pull me out of a meeting.
Your voice probably needs a rest.
Someone's locked all my chemicals up.
Yes, well, you left them unattended.
The health and safety team have had to impound them.
An infant may have consumed them. You told me to leave my van there.
And where's this plague of infants coming from?
Where's the health and safety team? They are centralised in Cardiff
and our representatives are on a course this afternoon.
You're not going to get your bloody chickpea cleaned, then are you?
Some woman's poured away my remaining chemicals.
Oh, God, I bet she has. I knew she'd be back.
You know her? Now, you listen to me.
How you clean that statue is your concern.
But if it is not cleaned, your boss will lose
a very lucrative council contract.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go and speak too much in a meeting.
Argh!
All right, la'? How's it going?
They've taken all my cleaning stuff, Vince.
Health and safety team are all agile working this afternoon, kiddo.
You'll have to contact Cardiff.
I've got to get it done today. This place is insane!
What you need is someone who's worked here so long...
JANGLING ..got the keys to everything.
See? I didn't mind the wink at all!
There you go, kiddo.
Jackpot. Thanks, mate.
Ah. That's the old statue, is it?
Oh, yeah, that's him. Old Ryce Dennison.
Daft-looking fella.
You know, when we was kids, we used to climb on top of him,
pretend that we were all off to cause mayhem.
WICKY CHUCKLES
Which committee dragged him down, then?
I don't know which one, but I know where they are.
All at home in their pyjamas?
Spot on, mate. HE CHUCKLES
HE SIGHS
For God's sake, where did you get the chain from?
Britain!
# Land of hope and glory
# Mother of the free
# We will always adore thee
# Even though... # Look, this is starting to feel
like one of my cheese dreams.
I can't keep doing that walk. I'm very fat.
Yes, I can see you're a product of the fast-food generation.
Burgers, microwave pizzas, chicken nuggets, chicken...
LAUGHING: You wouldn't know a Sussex Bantam if I threw one at you.
Look, I can see why you might not like the chickpea...
I DESPISE it.
But then, I would.
My name, sir,
is Lucille Ryce Dennison.
Ryce Dennison?
Is that the...
Is that the old statue?
Colonel Sir William Arthur Balfour Ryce Dennison.
And I, his great-great-great niece.
Right. So that's why you're here.
I've just seen him at the town hall.
Fair play, he's a fine-looking fellow.
A revered colonial governor.
A man of impeccable breeding and a woefully-underrated
watercolour landscape painter.
Eh... Replaced by a chickpea!
Look, you might have a point, but, come on,
my boss is going to go mad if I don't complete the work order.
Oh, only following orders, are we?
Just like the Nazis.
Bloody hell, we got there a bit quick, didn't we?
Bet you would have loved to have buffed statues of the Fuhrer
while the Wehrmacht goosestepped by.
They liked to erase history, too!
Look, can I just clean round you?
Never! Never!
Ow! Ow, never!
Augh! Never! Oh, really? Yes, really.
BOTH GRUNTING
See, if I miss this darts match... Darts, ha-ha!
An opiate to the masses, the man that once stood on this plinth.
Put this town on the map!
He who sang its name through the corridors of power,
tossed it to the winds of the Americas,
whispered to the waters of the East Indies.
But now, they seek to pretend he didn't exist.
# Land of hope and glory
# Mother of the free
# I will always adore thee... #
KNOCKING
What do you mean, she's chained herself to it?
British chains, apparently. Ugh, bloody woman.
Well, she's got a point. Oh, she's got a point, has she?
And you share her precious point?
Well, she's related to old whatshisname, isn't she?
She's not going to be into a golden knacker. Ryce Dennison.
Yes, the colonel himself.
And she's told you ALL about him, no doubt.
Yes. Very good at watercolours.
Look, I know he looks a bit old-fashioned,
but come on, he's better than a golden gland.
SHE SCOFFS
She told you about his use of slave labour, I presume?
Sla..? Slaves?
What did you say, slaves?
Slave? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, we don't say "slave".
We say..."hello". Yes.
She usually misses that bit out.
Renowned benefactor who sat drinking port with his friends
while a subjugated people did the work.
There you go, mate. Thanks, Vince.
Don't tell the maintenance team, whatever you do,
when they get back from the health and safety conference.
See, I'm not supposed to lend them out.
So this woman, what's she protesting about?
Who? Her?
Protest?
Oh, God, I don't know. You'd have to ask her. Don't ask me.
Why are you asking me, Vince? I don't know.
I can't stand around chatting to you. I've got to go.
Yeah. Thanks. Thanks. Lovely.
# Bring me my bow of burning gold
# Bring me my arrows of desire
# Bring... #
What? What?!
Ooh!
Right. Move.
New information has come to light
and I'm about to buff a chickpea.
Going to struggle to clean without your mop, aren't you?
That is not a mop.
That is a microfibre, polypropylene bisom.
It's a piece of specialist equipment.
And as a specialist...
..I always carry a spare.
En garde! Augh! Ha-ha!
GROWLING
GRUNTING
HE GROWLS, SHE CACKLES
HE YELLS
Ugh! Suck on that!
Bloody hell.
HE YELLS
FAINT SCUFFLING
Ugh!
Yield!
That's how we do it.
Ridiculous. Can't a man do his job in peace? Nutter.
What did you call me?
One soapy bollock...coming up.
Puh.
Am I going to go bald? No.
The acidity is much the same as household vinegar.
If anything, you might see a bit more shine,
a reduction in frizz.
Really? I might try that at home.
Cider vinegar's best.
Apparently.
Well, that got a bit out of hand, didn't it?
In that you decided to have a fight with a woman, yes.
Why are you so desperate to stop me?
Look, I know you're proud of the colonel and everything
and I don't really want to be the one to tell you, but...
LOWERED VOICE: ..apparently he used slaves.
He had what?
He used slaves.
You sound like you've had a stroke.
Speak your mind, sir. He used slaves!
We're all slaves!
Mate, have you not got anything to do?
Nope. Fair enough.
So... And who didn't, in that era?
All the ruling classes did. Yes, but it's wrong!
It is, and I'm sure he wouldn't have done it if he were alive today.
Hang on... Do you believe we can't have a statue of anyone
who did things we didn't approve of today?
Well... Let's get Winston Churchill pulled down, shall we?
Oh, Gandhi had some pretty unhealthy views.
Let's draft a letter to the Indian government, shall we?
Yeah, I know, but... I hope you won't be watching Goldfinger
on television this Christmas.
Sean Connery said it was OK to slap a woman.
You leave Bond out of it.
Sorry, if you don't mind, sorry.
I respect all women, madam. Thank you, sorry.
Not quite as simple as you thought, is it?
Look, I just want to go and play darts.
The two Johnnies will go mad if I don't turn up.
And who are the two Johnnies when they're at home?
Oh, it's one bloke called Johnny,
he's just had the same condom in his wallet since 1994.
He's a bloody good darts captain, though, so...
Look, can we compromise?
I'll get the worst of it off, and then if your photographer turns up,
I'll splash some stuff on it, make it look like there's been a protest.
CLINKING
What the..? Congratulations.
You've just become part of a popular protest.
Fancy a snack? How about a nice, little key?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no...
Mmm-mmm, yum, yum, yum.
Oh, my God!
# Land of hope and glory... #
Enough!
SIGHING
You've just seen this in a film, haven't you?
Yes, all right.
Lucille, this has got to stop.
Over my dead body, Council Officer Fran.
So you two actually know each other?
In so far as you can know a jingoistic dinosaur.
Or a politically correct fool,
who would rip the heart out of a town to avoid offending anyone.
He ruined people's lives. Oh, yes, let's erase history,
and replace it with utter meaningless tosh.
Could you not put the colonel's statue in a museum? Oh, please!
Like we haven't heard that before.
No? It's in the way like a dirty secret.
We need to educate, not deny.
What about a little plaque at the bottom of the statue
saying about all the bad stuff he did? Good idea.
Yes, an apologetic little sign saying,
"Sorry, we're celebrating a monster."
You can't erase a town's history.
People need to know from whence they came, good and bad.
Oh, so you're the voice of the people now?
Yes, I thought chucking blood
at a statue was rather reminiscent of mob rule.
And keeping the truth from the people smacks of a bloody dictator,
Chairwoman Mao. Don't you "Chairwoman Mao" me,
you one-woman gang of thugs.
Did anyone ask people from the town? What?
Did either of you think to ask the people who matter?
Black people!
Oh, good point! No!
That's not what I meant! Ooh, yes, he has got a point. No!
Who do we know? I don't know, um...
Erm... Hmm...
SHE GASPS Vince!
Why don't we ask Vince?
Why don't we? Good! No, that's not what I meant!
Come along, come along... No... Come on, cleaner.
Off you come. We can't do this!
I'm sure he'll have an insight into a lineage of pain.
And I'm sure he'll be intelligent enough
to put it into historical perspective.
For the last time, I don't think we should do this, ladies. Come on.
This is insensitive. This is exploitation.
And I've got a darts match!
Oh, well done, Vince.
So, what are youse on about?
They're talking about the statues, Vince.
The chickpea is meaningless.
He'll want the town to celebrate its past, warts and all.
Better to have a symbol of hate, then, is it?
We are talking about the colonel?
A flawed man, but a beautifully-made, historic statue.
Made a good climbing frame, to be fair.
Vince, why are you being so blase?
Your heritage, the suffering...
What are you on about?
Vince, I'm sorry to have to break it to you,
but the colonel was someone who utilised subjugated labour.
As did all the ruling classes of the time.
You what?
He used slaves, Vince.
Oh, yeah, I know about that.
Wait, you do?
Of course I do. Grew up here, didn't I?
Then you'll have a view on it.
You'll want the history of the town acknowledged
and the aesthetic preserved.
Or the shame removed.
And why would I have such strong opinions?
Well, b...because...
You're... ..because...well... You're...
Don't do this.
BOTH: Because you're black.
Oh, my God.
You're right.
I am!
Oh!
So?
So? Should the statue have been pulled down or not?
Yeah, I'm glad they got rid of the old git.
Progress.
Vince is a progressive, I knew it.
I'll see you're on a mural for this, Vince.
But you used to climb on the statue.
It's part of your childhood.
Yeah, we did. And me arl fella used to laugh.
Go on, kids, that's it.
"Let the old bastard carry you for a change."
Didn't lobby to have it taken down, though?
No. No-one knew it was even an option back then.
I mean, me arl fella's glad he's gone. I'm glad he's gone.
Thank you. But I don't think he should have been replaced
by a bleeding chickpea. Thank you!
130 grand, that thing cost.
You what?!
For a big, brass gonad?
Sorry. Sorry, this is important. You carry on.
I mean, it's pretty disgusting in this day and age,
people struggling to make ends meet,
that you waste money on something like that.
I wouldn't mind, but the kids can't even climb on it.
Vince, you haven't engaged with the debate.
You weren't at any of the consultation meetings.
I did send a petition. You didn't sign it.
Now, listen to me, youse two.
I have got to cut some poor kid out the railings,
and then someone's broken down in the one-way lane,
so I'll have to get the tow truck out.
And THEN, on the fifth floor,
one of those venetian blinds is stuck,
and the woman's trying to show slides about river pollution,
and THEN, it's the end of my shift,
and I am hoping to make the tail end
of my granddaughter's birthday party.
Now, I am so grateful that youse two have given me permission to protest,
but like my arl fella before me, I'm going to get on
and leave youse to bicker,
if it's all the same with you.
I know someone who'd have made that chickpea for 300 quid.
Anyway... Shame on you both.
What's going on?
This is coming down.
Eh? I've only just finished cleaning it.
It's getting melted down.
Offensive, apparently.
Mind you, this can't be it.
This is a statue of some colonel, it says here.
This looks like a massive... A bollock?
Yeah. Yeah, it's the colonel's bollock.
You got the right statue.
Yeah, I should check. No, no, you're all right. I'm with the council.
Not seen you about before.
No, I'm an agile worker.
I'm normally at home.
MUSIC: Itchycoo Park by Small Faces
# Over bridge of sighs
# To rest my eyes in shades of green... #
All right, Vince? Oh, hello.
Just getting off. Yeah, listen,
I thought I'd give you a lift to your party.
I... I've had an idea.
# What did you do there?
# I got high
# What did you feel there?
# Well, I cried
# But, why the tears there?
# Tell you why
# It's all too beautiful... # PLAYFUL SCREAMING
# It's all too beautiful
It's all too beautiful
# Ha
# It's all too beautiful
# Beautiful
# It's all too beautiful
# Beautiful
# It's all too beautiful
# Beautiful
# It's all too beautiful
# Beautiful
# Ha
# It's all too beautiful
# Beautiful
# It's all too beautiful Beautiful. #