1 00:00:17,883 --> 00:00:19,483 Bloody hell. 2 00:00:30,323 --> 00:00:32,243 HE SIGHS 3 00:00:35,203 --> 00:00:36,963 HE GRUNTS 4 00:00:41,283 --> 00:00:44,523 UNDER BREATH: Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on... 5 00:00:44,523 --> 00:00:45,763 ..yes! 6 00:00:47,603 --> 00:00:48,843 Hey, I'm up a tree. 7 00:00:48,843 --> 00:00:51,003 Oh, well, I'll let the Pride Of Britain people know. 8 00:00:51,003 --> 00:00:52,723 Don't be like that. It doesn't feel stable. 9 00:00:52,723 --> 00:00:55,363 It's the only place I can get a signal. What do you want, Wicky? 10 00:00:55,363 --> 00:00:56,603 I'm in Wales. 11 00:00:56,603 --> 00:00:58,163 Again, congratulations. 12 00:00:58,163 --> 00:00:59,283 Give my love to... 13 00:00:59,283 --> 00:01:01,963 What are those dolls with the big hats? What do you want? 14 00:01:01,963 --> 00:01:03,523 I can't find this murder scene. 15 00:01:03,523 --> 00:01:05,563 I can't even find any houses, to be honest. 16 00:01:05,563 --> 00:01:07,723 I thought I saw a bloke to ask directions earlier - 17 00:01:07,723 --> 00:01:09,443 turned out just to be a giant crow. 18 00:01:09,443 --> 00:01:12,203 I mean, like, crazy big, a-kid-could-ride-it big. 19 00:01:12,203 --> 00:01:14,563 Look, I can't help you. What? Why? 20 00:01:14,563 --> 00:01:16,283 Cos it's not my jurisdiction. 21 00:01:16,283 --> 00:01:19,203 Oh, help me out, Ruth. For old times' sake. 22 00:01:19,203 --> 00:01:21,883 Look, I can't help you because we don't cover Wales. 23 00:01:21,883 --> 00:01:23,443 I don't even know about a murder. 24 00:01:23,443 --> 00:01:25,003 Well, who do I talk to, then? 25 00:01:25,003 --> 00:01:27,683 Well, I don't know, you berk. The Welsh police? 26 00:01:27,683 --> 00:01:30,323 Wales doesn't have its own police force, Ruth. Grow up. 27 00:01:31,403 --> 00:01:35,603 Look, I need to get on. Hang on... I CAN see a house. 28 00:01:35,603 --> 00:01:39,563 I'll go to that. Right. Well, thanks for being no help whatsoever. 29 00:01:39,563 --> 00:01:41,443 And when are you coming down the pub again? 30 00:01:41,443 --> 00:01:44,283 You haven't been in there for ages. The bloody nerve of you. 31 00:01:44,283 --> 00:01:45,883 Are you a lightweight now, as well? 32 00:01:45,883 --> 00:01:47,363 Ruth? 33 00:02:05,083 --> 00:02:07,203 There we are. Steady, now. 34 00:02:07,203 --> 00:02:08,243 Steady... 35 00:02:08,243 --> 00:02:09,723 All right? 36 00:02:10,723 --> 00:02:12,963 THUD Timber, you bloody fool! 37 00:02:12,963 --> 00:02:15,603 Sorry. Have you no respect for the departed? 38 00:02:15,603 --> 00:02:16,883 Butter fingers. 39 00:02:16,883 --> 00:02:18,923 I don't have butter on my fingers. 40 00:02:18,923 --> 00:02:21,683 He doesn't. He just has a pathological disregard 41 00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:23,283 for those that have passed. 42 00:02:23,283 --> 00:02:25,563 I do respect those that have passed, Richard. 43 00:02:25,563 --> 00:02:27,683 He looks pretty respectful. Size of that hat. 44 00:02:27,683 --> 00:02:29,923 You think this is the first body he's dropped? 45 00:02:29,923 --> 00:02:31,803 He drops a body on a near weekly basis. 46 00:02:31,803 --> 00:02:36,163 Treats those who are no longer with us like a collection of yo-yos. 47 00:02:36,163 --> 00:02:38,203 He was waving, Richard. 48 00:02:38,203 --> 00:02:39,323 Hm... 49 00:02:39,323 --> 00:02:41,003 I'm going to leave you to it, lads. 50 00:02:43,443 --> 00:02:47,803 Right. This time, with respect. 51 00:02:50,243 --> 00:02:51,403 Better. 52 00:03:07,283 --> 00:03:09,083 Good grief. 53 00:03:09,083 --> 00:03:10,643 Harrowing, isn't it? 54 00:03:10,643 --> 00:03:14,363 OK, we're instigating a no-sneaking-up-in-the-creepy-cottage rule. 55 00:03:14,363 --> 00:03:16,483 What the hell happened? 56 00:03:16,483 --> 00:03:18,963 Police are baffled. They think foul play. 57 00:03:18,963 --> 00:03:21,243 You sure? He might have cut himself shaving, no? 58 00:03:23,363 --> 00:03:25,403 They don't have the faintest idea 59 00:03:25,403 --> 00:03:27,763 who would have beef with a gamekeeper. 60 00:03:27,763 --> 00:03:30,763 Fair enough. He'd have pheasant if anything, play to his strengths. 61 00:03:30,763 --> 00:03:34,003 Side serving of root veg, lovely glass of heavy red, 62 00:03:34,003 --> 00:03:36,483 what a charming evening. 63 00:03:36,483 --> 00:03:39,763 You are a tough crowd. I prefer not to jest. 64 00:03:39,763 --> 00:03:42,563 You're telling me. Well, someone didn't like him. 65 00:03:42,563 --> 00:03:44,603 That is a frenzied attack. 66 00:03:44,603 --> 00:03:46,923 No. No? No. 67 00:03:46,923 --> 00:03:51,723 A crossbow through the heart. He would have died almost instantly. 68 00:03:51,723 --> 00:03:55,243 So why all the blood? I'd rather not say. 69 00:03:55,243 --> 00:04:00,363 What? Why? Respect to those who have crossed to another realm. 70 00:04:00,363 --> 00:04:03,003 Don't be daft. I'm never daft. 71 00:04:03,003 --> 00:04:04,563 Look at the way I'm dressed. 72 00:04:04,563 --> 00:04:06,883 This is not daft attire. 73 00:04:06,883 --> 00:04:09,203 Can YOU tell me? Don't you dare, Timber. 74 00:04:09,203 --> 00:04:12,203 You ignore him, Tim... Timber, is it? 75 00:04:12,203 --> 00:04:16,363 Yes. He won't say, either. And his name's Timber? Yes. 76 00:04:16,363 --> 00:04:17,803 Re... 77 00:04:17,803 --> 00:04:21,843 OK, look, lads, the thing is, I do have respect for the dead. 78 00:04:21,843 --> 00:04:24,883 Those that are no longer in earthly constraints. 79 00:04:24,883 --> 00:04:25,963 Yeah, yeah, yeah, them. 80 00:04:25,963 --> 00:04:28,403 But I'm going to need to know what sort of blood that is. 81 00:04:28,403 --> 00:04:29,963 It's the gamekeeper's blood. Quiet! 82 00:04:33,043 --> 00:04:37,043 What do you mean? Different blood needs different chemicals to get it up, all right? 83 00:04:37,043 --> 00:04:39,363 If anything, you'd be more respectful by telling me, 84 00:04:39,363 --> 00:04:43,963 because it will stop me from wiping he who has escaped this earthly plane around the floor 85 00:04:43,963 --> 00:04:45,963 like a big old juicy meat pie. 86 00:04:45,963 --> 00:04:47,483 Hm... 87 00:04:50,083 --> 00:04:56,003 Timber, go wait in the car. Why? Because I asked you to. 88 00:04:56,003 --> 00:04:58,683 You may drive us to the parlour. 89 00:04:58,683 --> 00:05:02,923 Really? I'll go warm the engine up. Don't rev it. 90 00:05:02,923 --> 00:05:07,683 Remember...we have a distinguished passenger. 91 00:05:07,683 --> 00:05:14,523 Now, do you wish me to explain the amount of blood? Yes. 92 00:05:14,523 --> 00:05:15,603 Please. 93 00:05:15,603 --> 00:05:21,283 Let's just say, the cadaver was not left intact. 94 00:05:21,283 --> 00:05:23,083 I don't know what that means. 95 00:05:23,083 --> 00:05:28,923 His anatomy was not appropriately fused post mortem. 96 00:05:28,923 --> 00:05:30,563 I still don't know what you're talking about. 97 00:05:30,563 --> 00:05:34,923 The victim's earthly remains had been tampered with. 98 00:05:34,923 --> 00:05:38,043 OK, mate, you and I are going to fall out in a minute. I'm being respectful. 99 00:05:38,043 --> 00:05:40,803 This isn't respectful. This is like talking to a pissed wizard. 100 00:05:40,803 --> 00:05:45,123 Hm. In the attack... that snuffed out the life... 101 00:05:45,123 --> 00:05:47,203 Someone chopped his head off. Ah. Get out! 102 00:05:47,203 --> 00:05:50,843 I just want to know if I can bring the hearse around. Yes, you may bring the hearse around! 103 00:05:50,843 --> 00:05:55,803 Slowly. Remember, you are... At the helm of a person's final earthly journey, I know. Good. 104 00:05:57,083 --> 00:06:01,003 Well... Who the hell would have wanted to ch... 105 00:06:01,003 --> 00:06:03,163 Who'd want to do that to him? 106 00:06:03,163 --> 00:06:05,123 I'd rather not speculate. 107 00:06:05,123 --> 00:06:09,163 And after they HAD done it to him, where did they take the... 108 00:06:10,923 --> 00:06:12,283 ..the, um... 109 00:06:17,003 --> 00:06:19,443 ..bonce? Bonce? 110 00:06:19,443 --> 00:06:21,203 Yeah, I went with bonce. 111 00:06:22,443 --> 00:06:23,683 Hm... 112 00:06:23,683 --> 00:06:27,283 The head was found by the door, 113 00:06:27,283 --> 00:06:29,763 as if dropped on exit. 114 00:06:29,763 --> 00:06:33,963 One feels the intention was to remove it from the scene. 115 00:06:33,963 --> 00:06:35,883 The local police are quite traumatised. 116 00:06:35,883 --> 00:06:37,323 They would be, wouldn't they? 117 00:06:37,323 --> 00:06:41,523 The only crime they get round here normally is someone nicking a Zoom lolly from a post-office freezer. 118 00:06:41,523 --> 00:06:44,163 Zoom? I'm projecting. 119 00:06:44,163 --> 00:06:46,363 It's a crime I got away with as a child - 120 00:06:46,363 --> 00:06:48,283 I've been...haunted by guilt ever since. 121 00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:50,043 Right. 122 00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:54,963 Well, we better get the poor fellow back to the parlour for preparation. 123 00:06:54,963 --> 00:06:57,403 New shirt, spot of powder, sew his head back on, is it? 124 00:06:57,403 --> 00:06:59,083 Please! Some respect! 125 00:06:59,083 --> 00:07:00,883 ENGINE REVS, CRASH Richard! 126 00:07:00,883 --> 00:07:02,283 Timber! 127 00:07:05,083 --> 00:07:07,563 No! Timber! 128 00:07:08,683 --> 00:07:09,803 Well? 129 00:07:11,443 --> 00:07:13,283 I don't know, they've gone out the front. 130 00:07:14,403 --> 00:07:16,283 And my present? 131 00:07:16,283 --> 00:07:17,843 Well, it's gone, isn't it? 132 00:07:17,843 --> 00:07:20,763 Where would it have gone? 133 00:07:20,763 --> 00:07:23,643 Well, I imagine they put it in the coffin with the rest of him. 134 00:07:23,643 --> 00:07:26,483 It would still be mine if you hadn't dropped it. 135 00:07:26,483 --> 00:07:28,563 I didn't think we'd be disturbed. 136 00:07:28,563 --> 00:07:31,683 Though, if I had, I would have put my fingers up the nostrils for a better grip. 137 00:07:33,083 --> 00:07:34,683 You dropped my head. 138 00:07:34,683 --> 00:07:37,563 There wouldn't have been a head to drop, if it wasn't for me. 139 00:07:37,563 --> 00:07:43,123 I must have it, so that part of him belongs to me. I must own him. 140 00:07:43,123 --> 00:07:45,043 Give it a bloody rest. 141 00:07:46,643 --> 00:07:48,243 Give what a rest? 142 00:07:48,243 --> 00:07:51,923 The husky voice, the...dramatic gestures, 143 00:07:51,923 --> 00:07:54,923 the flared nostrils. You think I flare my nostrils? 144 00:07:54,923 --> 00:07:57,803 Yeah, you bloody do. Giving it the big 'un while I do all the work. 145 00:07:59,403 --> 00:08:02,123 Oh, really? Who selected the kill? 146 00:08:02,123 --> 00:08:04,163 Who planned the route? Who filled the car up? 147 00:08:04,163 --> 00:08:05,483 Arranged for a dog sitter? 148 00:08:05,483 --> 00:08:07,043 Hm? Who packed the killing kit? 149 00:08:07,043 --> 00:08:09,243 Hm? You don't even know what's in the killing kit. 150 00:08:09,243 --> 00:08:11,403 Why are you being like this? 151 00:08:11,403 --> 00:08:16,003 I'm not being like anything. I just wouldn't mind some gratitude, sometimes. 152 00:08:16,003 --> 00:08:19,523 Do you not find me grateful? 153 00:08:19,523 --> 00:08:21,403 Don't, no, no, don't start... 154 00:08:23,123 --> 00:08:25,203 Will you get it back? 155 00:08:25,203 --> 00:08:28,203 For me? You know I will. 156 00:08:28,203 --> 00:08:29,483 No...no. 157 00:08:29,483 --> 00:08:32,363 No, we can't have creepy death sex now, no. 158 00:08:32,363 --> 00:08:34,083 We've got things to do. 159 00:08:34,083 --> 00:08:35,683 Oh, God, I'm helpless. 160 00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:38,443 HE MOANS 161 00:08:42,443 --> 00:08:44,643 I'm just not used to an automatic, Richard. 162 00:08:44,643 --> 00:08:49,803 Please, no excuses. Let's just try and afford our client some dignity. 163 00:08:49,803 --> 00:08:52,483 Is he a client? Not really a client, is he? 164 00:08:52,483 --> 00:08:53,963 Why wouldn't he be the client? 165 00:08:53,963 --> 00:08:58,163 I suppose I thought it'd be hard to settle an invoice when he hasn't got a head on his shoulders. 166 00:08:58,163 --> 00:09:01,083 We need to phone for a recovery vehicle. 167 00:09:01,083 --> 00:09:03,603 I tried, there's no signal. Well, then you'll have to find one. 168 00:09:03,603 --> 00:09:05,843 There's a tree about two miles down there you can use. 169 00:09:05,843 --> 00:09:09,683 Get in, I'll give you a lift. The walk will do him good. Quick as you like, Timber. 170 00:09:09,683 --> 00:09:11,403 CAR DOOR SLAMS 171 00:09:16,563 --> 00:09:19,563 I've got a question. Why am I so hard on him? 172 00:09:20,723 --> 00:09:22,443 Because I know... 173 00:09:22,443 --> 00:09:23,803 ..that one day... 174 00:09:23,803 --> 00:09:26,243 ..he will have to fend for himself. 175 00:09:26,243 --> 00:09:28,643 Because I won't be here, 176 00:09:28,643 --> 00:09:31,643 and because every night, I go to bed knowing 177 00:09:31,643 --> 00:09:35,003 he will never be able to cope. 178 00:09:35,003 --> 00:09:38,523 That is why I am so hard 179 00:09:38,523 --> 00:09:42,643 on my poor, baby brother. 180 00:09:46,923 --> 00:09:48,683 No, why is he called Timber? 181 00:09:48,683 --> 00:09:52,163 Oh. When he was a kid, he kept falling down. Oh. 182 00:09:52,163 --> 00:09:54,123 What's his real name? Timber. Oh, right. 183 00:10:02,443 --> 00:10:03,723 Well? 184 00:10:05,283 --> 00:10:08,003 They've just gone back in. Well, two of them have. 185 00:10:08,003 --> 00:10:11,003 And the other one has my head? No, the hearse hasn't left yet. 186 00:10:11,003 --> 00:10:14,083 Just listen when I tell you things, or YOU take over the watch. 187 00:10:14,083 --> 00:10:18,003 You're being really grumpy today. I'm not being grumpy, 188 00:10:18,003 --> 00:10:19,883 it's just you forget, this is my day off. 189 00:10:19,883 --> 00:10:22,403 I've got mountain of paperwork waiting for me tomorrow. 190 00:10:22,403 --> 00:10:24,243 You know, this is supposed to be fun. 191 00:10:26,323 --> 00:10:29,963 I must have it. It's how I possess him. 192 00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:31,723 Do you know that? 193 00:10:33,763 --> 00:10:37,963 I've been thinking... Do you think, just this once... 194 00:10:37,963 --> 00:10:40,323 ..can we just leave it there, today? 195 00:10:40,323 --> 00:10:42,003 You know, we did a really good kill. 196 00:10:42,003 --> 00:10:43,603 It was... It was neat, and... 197 00:10:43,603 --> 00:10:46,043 Could you maybe just leave without a trophy, just this once? 198 00:10:46,043 --> 00:10:49,203 And what do you propose we do with the rest of the day? 199 00:10:50,883 --> 00:10:53,443 Well, I thought we could get a takeaway and watch The Chase. 200 00:10:54,803 --> 00:10:57,963 Everyone takes a trophy. 201 00:10:57,963 --> 00:11:02,243 All our favourites - Peter, Ted, Dennis. They all took trophies. 202 00:11:02,243 --> 00:11:04,363 We said we were going to do this properly. 203 00:11:04,363 --> 00:11:07,203 We said we were going to be the best. 204 00:11:07,203 --> 00:11:10,363 I know... Oh, does he think he's better than Dennis, all of a sudden? 205 00:11:10,363 --> 00:11:13,003 "Oh, I've done enough for today. Now I'll just have a jalfrezi, 206 00:11:13,003 --> 00:11:16,843 "and fingers crossed, I just make it into the history books, anyway." 207 00:11:16,843 --> 00:11:20,003 Look at the state of you. You've barely pulled a comb through your hair. 208 00:11:20,003 --> 00:11:23,803 Sorry... Just tired. 209 00:11:23,803 --> 00:11:25,363 Why don't you have a sleep, then? 210 00:11:25,363 --> 00:11:28,163 Sure Fred and Rose built naps into their routine. 211 00:11:33,963 --> 00:11:37,043 I'll get you the head. Thank you. 212 00:12:04,683 --> 00:12:07,003 There we are. Ah, thank you. 213 00:12:13,843 --> 00:12:15,723 You must see some awful things. 214 00:12:15,723 --> 00:12:19,003 Yeah. You just normalise it after a while, though, don't you? 215 00:12:19,003 --> 00:12:20,923 But you must know that. 216 00:12:20,923 --> 00:12:22,483 Normalise death? 217 00:12:22,483 --> 00:12:25,643 Well, yeah. Blood's blood after a while, isn't it? 218 00:12:25,643 --> 00:12:27,523 A body's just... No, it is not. 219 00:12:27,523 --> 00:12:31,603 The earthly remains are precious to those left behind. 220 00:12:31,603 --> 00:12:36,243 They shoulder the burden and it is to them I show my respect 221 00:12:36,243 --> 00:12:41,123 with the care that I take. Yeah, I know what you mean. 222 00:12:41,123 --> 00:12:44,283 I never get to meet the relatives, but I... I do like... 223 00:12:44,283 --> 00:12:45,683 Putting things right. 224 00:12:45,683 --> 00:12:49,203 Yes. That's what I always say, I like to put things right. 225 00:12:49,203 --> 00:12:53,083 Erase the signs of the pain their loved ones endured. 226 00:12:53,083 --> 00:12:57,243 Exactly. See, there you go, Mr Big Hat, we're not so different. 227 00:13:00,443 --> 00:13:03,963 What does your partner think of this grisly profession? 228 00:13:03,963 --> 00:13:07,843 Ah, well, that lucky lady is yet to make herself known. 229 00:13:07,843 --> 00:13:09,883 You don't have a partner? 230 00:13:09,883 --> 00:13:11,803 No. Do you? 231 00:13:11,803 --> 00:13:14,163 Of course. I'm in my 50s. 232 00:13:14,163 --> 00:13:17,403 Well, 50's the new 35, isn't it? So... 233 00:13:17,403 --> 00:13:20,163 Well, who will look after things if you were to... 234 00:13:21,643 --> 00:13:23,803 ..you know? Die? 235 00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:26,483 I think we're all right for a few years yet. 236 00:13:26,483 --> 00:13:28,203 HE GRUNTS 237 00:13:28,203 --> 00:13:29,883 Are you sure? 238 00:13:29,883 --> 00:13:31,723 How much do you weigh? 239 00:13:31,723 --> 00:13:33,283 I'm at my fighting weight. 240 00:13:33,283 --> 00:13:34,683 You're very fat. 241 00:13:34,683 --> 00:13:36,003 Blood pressure high? 242 00:13:36,003 --> 00:13:37,683 Not that I'm aware of, no. 243 00:13:37,683 --> 00:13:39,763 Get dizzy when you stand? 244 00:13:39,763 --> 00:13:43,483 No. You're almost certainly pre-diabetic, you know that? 245 00:13:43,483 --> 00:13:45,363 How many days a week do you drink? 246 00:13:45,363 --> 00:13:47,963 Only on the ones with the word "day" in them. Am I right? 247 00:13:47,963 --> 00:13:49,203 No laughing matter. 248 00:13:49,203 --> 00:13:50,963 Your liver must be foie gras. 249 00:13:50,963 --> 00:13:53,083 Oh, yeah, I'm a giant human goose. 250 00:13:53,083 --> 00:13:56,683 You have had no-one in your life to implore you to exercise restraint. 251 00:13:56,683 --> 00:14:00,683 Delayed gratification. You eat and drink what you want, when you want. 252 00:14:00,683 --> 00:14:05,123 You have no-one to love you and you have failed to love yourself. 253 00:14:05,123 --> 00:14:08,123 Bloody hell! Sorry, none of my business. 254 00:14:09,163 --> 00:14:11,323 I'm perfectly happy on my own, thank you. 255 00:14:11,323 --> 00:14:12,683 For now. 256 00:14:15,203 --> 00:14:18,563 If you've had no-one to look after you in this life, 257 00:14:18,563 --> 00:14:22,283 who will look after you when you've gone? 258 00:14:24,283 --> 00:14:26,643 Well, don't walk out now! 259 00:14:36,123 --> 00:14:37,723 I'm starting to get bored. 260 00:14:37,723 --> 00:14:40,563 You know what happens when I get bored. 261 00:14:40,563 --> 00:14:43,723 Listening? Yes! Sh! 262 00:14:43,723 --> 00:14:45,363 Just give me a minute. 263 00:14:45,363 --> 00:14:47,403 Something's happening. 264 00:14:48,563 --> 00:14:50,163 I might have had one of my ideas. 265 00:14:50,163 --> 00:14:54,283 Oh, I like your ideas. Is it very dark? 266 00:14:54,283 --> 00:14:55,883 Oh... 267 00:14:55,883 --> 00:14:58,603 Black as, baby. Mm. 268 00:14:58,603 --> 00:15:01,323 Why would I need someone to look after me when I'm dead? 269 00:15:01,323 --> 00:15:05,203 Pauper's grave for you, then? It's a little Dickensian, isn't it? 270 00:15:05,203 --> 00:15:06,883 You're a little Dickensian. What? 271 00:15:06,883 --> 00:15:07,963 Nothing. 272 00:15:07,963 --> 00:15:09,563 Look, what do you mean? 273 00:15:09,563 --> 00:15:11,603 Well, let's start with the basics. 274 00:15:11,603 --> 00:15:16,763 Who would arrange and pay for your funeral? 275 00:15:16,763 --> 00:15:18,803 I don't know. The lads? 276 00:15:18,803 --> 00:15:21,603 You have sons? No. No, the lads from the pub. 277 00:15:21,603 --> 00:15:26,603 So no partner or children, no family, and your parents? 278 00:15:26,603 --> 00:15:28,083 One dead, one dead to me. 279 00:15:28,083 --> 00:15:29,963 I see. 280 00:15:29,963 --> 00:15:32,723 I've got a sister. Someone to bury you, at least. 281 00:15:32,723 --> 00:15:37,083 Are you close? I mean, she's got a family of her own, so... 282 00:15:37,083 --> 00:15:40,443 Just the lads from a pub, then. 283 00:15:40,443 --> 00:15:43,083 Oh, God... What? 284 00:15:44,403 --> 00:15:47,243 I've just remembered the funeral they arranged for Trinidad Dave. 285 00:15:47,243 --> 00:15:50,163 Would he not have approved, Trinidad Dave? 286 00:15:50,163 --> 00:15:52,323 I mean, they meant well, but... 287 00:15:52,323 --> 00:15:55,923 ..they... CARIBBEAN MUSIC 288 00:15:55,923 --> 00:15:58,603 ..they took it in turns to limbo under his coffin. 289 00:16:00,923 --> 00:16:02,883 Oh... God, you're right. 290 00:16:02,883 --> 00:16:05,123 I can't let them arrange my funeral. 291 00:16:05,123 --> 00:16:07,363 What happens to your body... 292 00:16:07,363 --> 00:16:10,883 ..is the tip of the iceberg. 293 00:16:12,363 --> 00:16:16,283 Your soul should be your biggest concern. 294 00:16:21,363 --> 00:16:24,563 Stop saying cryptic things and then walking off! 295 00:16:31,923 --> 00:16:33,563 Oh... 296 00:16:37,203 --> 00:16:39,563 Richard's going to be so cross. 297 00:16:43,283 --> 00:16:46,123 Basically, what you're saying is just religious mumbo jumbo. 298 00:16:46,123 --> 00:16:47,523 You think so? 299 00:16:47,523 --> 00:16:50,523 I have to have someone to look after my soul? 300 00:16:50,523 --> 00:16:54,643 Do you think you'd get away with spouting that sort of nonsense in front of Professor Brian Cox? 301 00:16:54,643 --> 00:16:58,323 He'd make you feel this big with his piercing eyes and his soft, wet lips. 302 00:16:58,323 --> 00:17:01,603 I'm not religious. What? 303 00:17:01,603 --> 00:17:03,323 I don't have a faith. 304 00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:06,323 So why do you need a bloody soul chaperone? 305 00:17:06,323 --> 00:17:11,603 I have people who love me above all others - my wife, my daughter, 306 00:17:11,603 --> 00:17:14,083 my beautiful, innocent brother. 307 00:17:14,083 --> 00:17:16,883 These are my chaperones. 308 00:17:16,883 --> 00:17:21,723 When I pass, I will live on through them. 309 00:17:21,723 --> 00:17:24,203 How? Everything you have done, 310 00:17:24,203 --> 00:17:26,243 every memory you created, 311 00:17:26,243 --> 00:17:29,883 every positive influence you had in the world, 312 00:17:29,883 --> 00:17:32,523 they will take on a life of their own. 313 00:17:32,523 --> 00:17:36,763 They will live on in the minds of those once touched. 314 00:17:38,963 --> 00:17:41,323 My father lives here. 315 00:17:42,443 --> 00:17:44,963 My grandparents, even. 316 00:17:44,963 --> 00:17:49,403 And anyone I tell of them takes them on, too. 317 00:17:49,403 --> 00:17:53,043 My father's name was Geraint. 318 00:17:55,003 --> 00:17:56,043 Hmm... 319 00:17:57,323 --> 00:18:00,843 You now have a little of my father inside you. 320 00:18:00,843 --> 00:18:03,683 I don't want your father inside me. 321 00:18:03,683 --> 00:18:06,643 Where have you cast your shadow, Wicky? 322 00:18:06,643 --> 00:18:09,603 Who will be taking you on? 323 00:18:09,603 --> 00:18:12,363 Keeping the memory of you alive? 324 00:18:13,683 --> 00:18:15,923 The boys from the pub? 325 00:18:17,723 --> 00:18:19,803 You're going to walk out again, aren't you? 326 00:18:19,803 --> 00:18:21,043 Yeah. 327 00:18:22,203 --> 00:18:25,243 Do you know what Philip Larkin said on the subject? 328 00:18:25,243 --> 00:18:26,683 Something about it being perfect. 329 00:18:26,683 --> 00:18:31,523 He said, "What will survive of us is love." 330 00:18:41,203 --> 00:18:44,603 OK, the young one's clearly gone off to get the hearse fixed. 331 00:18:44,603 --> 00:18:46,403 That could take ages. 332 00:18:46,403 --> 00:18:47,963 We'll wait it out. 333 00:18:47,963 --> 00:18:50,883 And when he gets back, he'll take my head. 334 00:18:50,883 --> 00:18:54,403 I know, I know, but we have to be practical sometimes, sweetheart. 335 00:18:54,403 --> 00:18:57,603 We've probably lost that trophy, but I told you that. 336 00:18:57,603 --> 00:19:02,043 I have an idea. I thought we might get another one. 337 00:19:02,043 --> 00:19:07,523 A different head. A jogger... on the way home. Mm-mm. 338 00:19:07,523 --> 00:19:09,323 Once the undertakers have gone... 339 00:19:10,323 --> 00:19:12,523 ..I could get you a very big head indeed. 340 00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:18,523 I like the big head. 341 00:19:20,083 --> 00:19:22,883 I want the big head. We need to stay focused. 342 00:19:22,883 --> 00:19:26,683 I have to get into the bloodlust zone if I'm to take a second life. 343 00:19:26,683 --> 00:19:28,723 Imagine a double murder. 344 00:19:28,723 --> 00:19:29,963 Hm? 345 00:19:31,603 --> 00:19:34,883 I didn't hear anything you said. You can just let me go. 346 00:19:42,283 --> 00:19:44,363 HE WAILS 347 00:19:44,363 --> 00:19:46,403 Is that..? Timber! 348 00:19:48,203 --> 00:19:49,563 SHOUTING: Timber! 349 00:19:57,563 --> 00:19:59,563 Oh, thank God. Can you help? 350 00:19:59,563 --> 00:20:01,283 He's had a terrible fall. 351 00:20:02,563 --> 00:20:04,843 HIGH-PITCHED WAIL 352 00:20:09,883 --> 00:20:11,563 A chair... 353 00:20:11,563 --> 00:20:14,163 Put you down here. 354 00:20:14,163 --> 00:20:15,723 Thanks so much. 355 00:20:15,723 --> 00:20:19,523 What were you two doing out there? 356 00:20:19,523 --> 00:20:21,843 Er, we're bird-watchers. 357 00:20:21,843 --> 00:20:23,523 We are. 358 00:20:23,523 --> 00:20:25,083 We like watching... 359 00:20:26,123 --> 00:20:27,323 ..birds. 360 00:20:28,963 --> 00:20:30,603 What happened here? 361 00:20:30,603 --> 00:20:34,003 Oh... It was just an accident. 362 00:20:34,003 --> 00:20:35,363 Someone cut themselves shaving? 363 00:20:35,363 --> 00:20:37,443 I did say that! Please. 364 00:20:37,443 --> 00:20:39,643 WHISPERING: He doesn't like people dissing the dead. 365 00:20:39,643 --> 00:20:41,803 We don't have a telephone signal here. 366 00:20:41,803 --> 00:20:46,003 My brother will be back soon, so we'll organise something then, 367 00:20:46,003 --> 00:20:49,123 but it doesn't seem broken to me. 368 00:20:49,123 --> 00:20:51,003 Are you very close with your brother? 369 00:20:52,243 --> 00:20:54,683 Yes. Very. 370 00:20:54,683 --> 00:20:56,203 Adorable. 371 00:20:56,203 --> 00:20:59,123 Such a shame about this accident. 372 00:20:59,123 --> 00:21:02,083 It's very sad for someone to die all alone out here. 373 00:21:02,083 --> 00:21:03,923 Is there anything more tragic? 374 00:21:03,923 --> 00:21:05,963 Hey, don't start, you. 375 00:21:07,163 --> 00:21:08,523 Where is he? 376 00:21:08,523 --> 00:21:09,923 Where's who? 377 00:21:11,003 --> 00:21:12,603 Where is the body? 378 00:21:12,603 --> 00:21:15,883 What does that matter to you? HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY 379 00:21:15,883 --> 00:21:19,963 Oh... Could I have some tea? I think I may be in shock. 380 00:21:19,963 --> 00:21:21,283 I can make some tea. 381 00:21:21,283 --> 00:21:25,323 The deceased is in the hearse, if that's what you mean. 382 00:21:25,323 --> 00:21:27,563 We're having transport problems. 383 00:21:27,563 --> 00:21:29,923 Oh, you've got problems, all right. 384 00:21:29,923 --> 00:21:32,523 Would you like some tea, dear? 385 00:21:34,843 --> 00:21:37,483 How long have you two been birdwatching? 386 00:21:40,243 --> 00:21:42,083 Oh, a...long time. 387 00:21:42,083 --> 00:21:43,483 Years. 388 00:21:44,523 --> 00:21:46,123 What's your favourite bird? 389 00:21:46,123 --> 00:21:49,083 I like a curlew. They're inquisitive. 390 00:21:49,083 --> 00:21:51,963 Oh. And you? 391 00:21:51,963 --> 00:21:53,043 Why do you ask? 392 00:21:54,603 --> 00:21:56,323 Just answer the question, dear. 393 00:21:58,563 --> 00:21:59,963 Why should I? 394 00:21:59,963 --> 00:22:03,363 I've got another question, if you don't like that one. 395 00:22:03,363 --> 00:22:06,323 How did you know it was a "he"? 396 00:22:06,323 --> 00:22:07,523 What? 397 00:22:07,523 --> 00:22:10,843 You said the victim was a "he". How did you know? 398 00:22:21,643 --> 00:22:23,683 I'm saying you're murderers, just to be clear. 399 00:22:23,683 --> 00:22:25,723 I think you two are murderers! 400 00:22:25,723 --> 00:22:27,283 HE YELLS 401 00:22:27,283 --> 00:22:28,443 Ugh! THUD 402 00:22:30,603 --> 00:22:32,283 I like the robin. 403 00:22:33,763 --> 00:22:35,643 Fiercely territorial. 404 00:22:44,723 --> 00:22:47,563 You said I'd have to stand up one day, Richard. 405 00:22:47,563 --> 00:22:50,843 You told me that one day I would be tested. 406 00:22:52,603 --> 00:22:56,123 Today, I become a man. 407 00:22:57,923 --> 00:22:59,243 THUD 408 00:23:01,723 --> 00:23:04,763 Shall we take it now? Shall we just take it straight away? 409 00:23:04,763 --> 00:23:06,843 Don't be ridiculous, it has to be dead first. 410 00:23:06,843 --> 00:23:09,603 Why? It might be more fun just to take it now. 411 00:23:09,603 --> 00:23:13,003 It wouldn't stay still enough. It would scream. We're lucky enough to have it tied up at all, 412 00:23:13,003 --> 00:23:14,603 with all the hints you were bloody giving, 413 00:23:14,603 --> 00:23:17,323 and now I've got two of them to deal with. I got over-excited. 414 00:23:17,323 --> 00:23:18,803 Yeah, well, you always do. 415 00:23:18,803 --> 00:23:21,003 You were supposed to wait for the undertaker to go. 416 00:23:21,003 --> 00:23:23,323 PATHETICALLY: Humph. Don't be mad at her. 417 00:23:23,323 --> 00:23:26,363 You're not the one who has to kill three of them in one day. 418 00:23:26,363 --> 00:23:29,443 And all because you have to take your souvenir. 419 00:23:29,443 --> 00:23:33,603 Hang on... Am I one of the three? 420 00:23:35,203 --> 00:23:36,763 And what are you planning to take? 421 00:23:37,923 --> 00:23:39,843 HE GASPS 422 00:23:39,843 --> 00:23:41,443 My head! 423 00:23:41,443 --> 00:23:43,323 My beautiful head! 424 00:23:44,803 --> 00:23:46,883 You can't kill me! 425 00:23:46,883 --> 00:23:48,603 Oh, I'm afraid that horse has bolted. 426 00:23:48,603 --> 00:23:50,963 Put it back! Put the horse back in the stable. 427 00:23:50,963 --> 00:23:52,563 It's massive. 428 00:23:52,563 --> 00:23:54,883 I don't even know where we'd keep it. 429 00:23:54,883 --> 00:23:58,043 I'll build a shelf, an extra-wide one. 430 00:23:58,043 --> 00:24:00,163 You're going to get it... 431 00:24:00,163 --> 00:24:01,843 ..I promise. 432 00:24:03,363 --> 00:24:07,003 THEY MOAN 433 00:24:07,003 --> 00:24:10,443 MOANING CONTINUES 434 00:24:12,243 --> 00:24:14,003 Do you actually mind? 435 00:24:15,803 --> 00:24:18,443 Don't you raise your voice to ME... 436 00:24:21,363 --> 00:24:23,603 ..or maybe I'll do as she asked. 437 00:24:23,603 --> 00:24:24,843 Do it. 438 00:24:24,843 --> 00:24:26,363 Do it, please. 439 00:24:28,403 --> 00:24:30,163 But why would you want to? 440 00:24:30,163 --> 00:24:32,043 I'm just a bloke. 441 00:24:32,043 --> 00:24:34,803 I haven't even found anyone to look after my soul yet. 442 00:24:36,123 --> 00:24:40,683 What? Just give me a few more years to find someone to remember me when I'm dead. 443 00:24:40,683 --> 00:24:42,843 What is it talking about? 444 00:24:42,843 --> 00:24:45,323 I haven't got anyone who'll care if you murder me. 445 00:24:45,323 --> 00:24:48,443 Well, I have, but it's not going to ruin anyone's life. 446 00:24:49,723 --> 00:24:53,963 Sur... Surely you want to murder someone people will miss? 447 00:24:53,963 --> 00:24:56,843 Why would I care about that? Why would he care? 448 00:24:57,883 --> 00:25:00,243 Don't you people want to be famous? 449 00:25:02,283 --> 00:25:05,083 You're not going to get famous by killing a nobody. 450 00:25:10,363 --> 00:25:13,363 We're going to make YOU famous, too, silly. 451 00:25:14,603 --> 00:25:17,203 Your famous, massive head... 452 00:25:18,283 --> 00:25:21,083 ..on...my...shelf. 453 00:25:30,403 --> 00:25:31,603 WOMAN: Surprise! 454 00:25:34,283 --> 00:25:35,963 Taser, taser, taser. 455 00:25:35,963 --> 00:25:37,443 Ugh! 456 00:25:37,443 --> 00:25:39,723 GRUNTING 457 00:25:42,003 --> 00:25:43,163 All right, dickhead? 458 00:25:43,163 --> 00:25:45,323 They were going to chop my head off. 459 00:25:45,323 --> 00:25:47,643 Where would they have kept that? It's massive. 460 00:25:47,643 --> 00:25:49,083 Yeah... 461 00:25:55,643 --> 00:25:58,403 Did I do well, Richard? I'm very proud of you. 462 00:26:03,563 --> 00:26:06,203 Bit dramatic, all this, innit, babs? Just a bit. 463 00:26:06,203 --> 00:26:09,243 I've got a question. How did I know to come? 464 00:26:09,243 --> 00:26:13,083 Just heard two DCs in the station talking about some murders in rural Wales. 465 00:26:13,083 --> 00:26:15,443 They were getting all excited it was a serial killer. 466 00:26:15,443 --> 00:26:17,203 Then I remembered you ringing. 467 00:26:17,203 --> 00:26:20,043 No. Why did you say "taser" three times? 468 00:26:20,043 --> 00:26:22,083 SHE CHUCKLES 469 00:26:22,083 --> 00:26:24,203 What, so you just came on the off-chance? 470 00:26:24,203 --> 00:26:28,083 I thought, if I know anyone unlucky enough to be murdered in rural Wales, 471 00:26:28,083 --> 00:26:29,443 it's you. 472 00:26:29,443 --> 00:26:30,923 I'm not unlucky. 473 00:26:30,923 --> 00:26:35,003 You've bought tickets to the White Horse Christmas raffle for 25 years. 474 00:26:35,003 --> 00:26:36,203 You've won nothing. 475 00:26:36,203 --> 00:26:38,883 Yeah, because Mervyn fixes it, I've told you. 476 00:26:38,883 --> 00:26:41,083 It's just a way of getting cheap meat for his cousins. 477 00:26:43,123 --> 00:26:44,883 Back to Brum, then? Please. 478 00:26:44,883 --> 00:26:49,843 I need a pint. So will you be naming your firstborn after me, then, now I've saved your life? 479 00:26:49,843 --> 00:26:52,203 Oh, God, yeah. Even if it's a boy. Especially if it's a boy. 480 00:26:52,203 --> 00:26:55,163 No, you'd be better with girls. You're not man enough to raise boys. 481 00:26:55,163 --> 00:26:56,883 Shut up. I'm a hunk. 482 00:26:56,883 --> 00:26:58,443 You didn't look very hunky in there. 483 00:26:58,443 --> 00:27:00,963 What, when the murderers were trying to chop my head off? 484 00:27:05,603 --> 00:27:07,603 How come you're in this? 485 00:27:07,603 --> 00:27:08,883 It's my car. 486 00:27:08,883 --> 00:27:11,163 Why aren't you in a cop car? 487 00:27:11,163 --> 00:27:13,043 I told you, Wales isn't my jurisdiction. 488 00:27:13,043 --> 00:27:14,723 But you were at work. 489 00:27:14,723 --> 00:27:16,603 I took the afternoon off. 490 00:27:16,603 --> 00:27:17,683 Why? 491 00:27:17,683 --> 00:27:19,523 I just had a bad feeling. 492 00:27:19,523 --> 00:27:23,283 You are a disgustingly nice person, aren't you? 493 00:27:23,283 --> 00:27:26,123 It's horrible, actually. Good job, too, innit? 494 00:27:29,883 --> 00:27:32,563 So...are you coming down The Horse later, then, 495 00:27:32,563 --> 00:27:34,923 or are you feeling too almost-murdered? 496 00:27:37,083 --> 00:27:38,843 Why did you do that? 497 00:27:38,843 --> 00:27:40,523 Why did you come? 498 00:27:40,523 --> 00:27:43,003 Well...cos I was worried about you. 499 00:27:43,003 --> 00:27:44,363 I often am. 500 00:27:45,523 --> 00:27:46,843 I'm a nobody. 501 00:27:47,883 --> 00:27:49,243 Not to me.