1 00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:05,080 HE SIGHS 2 00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:05,080 Ooh, what the hell? 3 00:00:05,080 --> 00:00:06,880 What time is it? 4 00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:08,960 5:30. I've got a job. 5 00:00:08,960 --> 00:00:11,120 Do you have to go now? 6 00:00:11,120 --> 00:00:12,240 Come back for a bit. 7 00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:13,680 I'll make it worth your while. 8 00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:15,920 No. I haven't got time for your nonsense. 9 00:00:15,920 --> 00:00:17,440 I feel awful. 10 00:00:17,440 --> 00:00:19,960 You've never complained about my nonsense before. 11 00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:21,840 I can't wait to retire. 12 00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:23,680 It can't be normal to wake up every day 13 00:00:23,680 --> 00:00:24,920 feeling like you've had a stroke. 14 00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:26,280 You can have a stroke. 15 00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:28,080 Stop making moves on me, you Hobbit! 16 00:00:28,080 --> 00:00:30,360 I feel dreadful. I've got to be there in half an hour. 17 00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:32,439 Well, you don't normally need that long, Grandad. 18 00:00:32,439 --> 00:00:33,880 HE SCOFFS Oh, she's a funny woman, isn't she? 19 00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:36,080 SHE GIGGLES 20 00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:36,080 All right. 21 00:00:36,080 --> 00:00:37,520 All right, you sexy munchkin. 22 00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:39,320 I'll show you how much energy Grandad's got. 23 00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:40,360 Oh! Wahey! 24 00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:41,600 Now! 25 00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:08,440 Oi! You can't park there. 26 00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:10,080 You can't! 27 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:11,360 Good morning to you. 28 00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:12,720 Don't worry, I have a permit. 29 00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:15,000 A blue badge? I can't see a blue badge! 30 00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:16,920 How have you got a blue badge? 31 00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:20,680 He couldn't even get a blue badge and he has bad legs. 32 00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:22,280 Don't talk about my bad legs! 33 00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:24,039 You want to worry about your bad eyes! 34 00:01:24,039 --> 00:01:25,440 It's not a blue badge, 35 00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:27,600 it's police-issue so... 36 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:28,880 You're not a policeman! 37 00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:30,960 I'm here to clean. 38 00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:32,160 What? 39 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:33,280 You're a man! 40 00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:34,920 The world has gone mad! 41 00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:38,800 A man earning a living like some Scottish single mother? 42 00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:41,120 No, no. I'm a crime scene cleaner. 43 00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:43,240 No, you can't park there, you'll get towed. 44 00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:45,360 Come on. We'll miss coffee hour. 45 00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:47,160 Oh, get off me, woman! 46 00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:49,200 When I think of the girls I courted... 47 00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:53,000 Oh, don't you bore me again about your horrible sluttish past! 48 00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:55,880 It... It wasn't horrible and it wasn't sluttish. 49 00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:57,400 How dare you! 50 00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:09,160 ON PA: It's 6:45am and welcome to Drakefield Community Centre. 51 00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:13,320 The Watercolour Wanderers are delayed by nine minutes 52 00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:15,720 and a happy 85th birthday to Alfred. 53 00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:24,480 Hello, you're late. 54 00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:27,840 What's going on? Why's it so busy? 55 00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:29,200 Sorry, I'm the cleaner. 56 00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:31,720 I know who you are. You were supposed to be here at six. 57 00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:33,120 They start to queue from six. 58 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:34,200 Sorry, traffic. 59 00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:35,640 I'll just crack on, though, shall I? 60 00:02:35,640 --> 00:02:37,360 No, no, no, you can't clean now. 61 00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:38,680 Can I not? No. 62 00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:40,560 Next session starts in 12 minutes. 63 00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:42,200 Oh, God, I'd never hear the end of it. 64 00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:44,160 Jesus Christ, the letters I'd get. 65 00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:46,120 Makes me feel physically sick just thinking about it. 66 00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:47,160 I don't understand. 67 00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:50,000 OK, once coffee hour's finished, 68 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:52,760 then the space is booked by specialist groups. OK? 69 00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:55,120 They book months in advance and they do not want to share with anyone. 70 00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:56,360 OK? 71 00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:57,720 UNDER BREATH: There's a committee. 72 00:02:57,720 --> 00:02:59,960 It's fine. Old people love me. 73 00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:02,200 Mm. OK. 74 00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:04,920 Hey! What happened by the way? 75 00:03:04,920 --> 00:03:07,920 Oh, yeah, Bill, one of our regulars, he... 76 00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:09,360 He fell off the balcony. 77 00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:10,880 YELLING 78 00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:12,240 THUD! 79 00:03:13,600 --> 00:03:15,000 He fell, did he? 80 00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:17,560 Well, the police are pretty sure that's what happened, Pauline, yeah. 81 00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:19,040 Oh, I'm sure they are. 82 00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:21,000 Less paperwork. 83 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:25,040 Bill had bad lungs but there was nothing wrong with his balance. 84 00:03:27,079 --> 00:03:30,600 Yeah, that won't be the last conspiracy you hear today. 85 00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:31,880 Trust me. 86 00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:34,440 Margaret, did those drawing pins I ordered arrive? 87 00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:38,160 I can't keep putting these notices up with my bad hands. 88 00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:41,200 Ah, I'm just waiting on the committee to OK the spend. 89 00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:43,160 SHE GRUMBLES 90 00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:46,079 There's a lot of bad body parts here, isn't there? 91 00:03:46,079 --> 00:03:48,280 Has anyone actually been diagnosed with anything? 92 00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:49,840 Oh, they don't go to the doctor. 93 00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:51,720 They don't like to trouble the doctor. 94 00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:54,000 No, they save it all for me. 95 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:57,560 Look! Take a piece of advice from someone who knows, yeah? 96 00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:00,680 This is their world. 97 00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:03,840 Do not get sucked in! 98 00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:05,600 Now sit down and keep yourself to yourself. 99 00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:16,480 You're in my chair. 100 00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:19,079 Oh, hello again. Sorry. 101 00:04:19,079 --> 00:04:22,120 I hate it when people do that to me in the pub. 102 00:04:23,840 --> 00:04:25,120 Oh! 103 00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:29,160 I'm Wicky, by the way. 104 00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:31,360 Mmm! Now, what's this? 105 00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:34,040 Oh, hello, again. I sit there. 106 00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:35,320 I need a high back! 107 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:37,200 HE CHUCKLES 108 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:37,200 Oh... 109 00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:38,800 The old bad legs again, is it? 110 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:42,560 I was shot in the spine in the Falklands. 111 00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:45,040 Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. 112 00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:46,800 You've done it now. 113 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:48,080 He's on the committee. 114 00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:50,720 Oh. 115 00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:53,120 BUSY CHATTER 116 00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:58,240 If you're struggling a little bit, 117 00:04:58,240 --> 00:04:59,560 I use these for distance. 118 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:00,840 Would you like to... 119 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:05,760 Eh? 120 00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:09,680 Oh! This is him. 121 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:11,800 He said he was glad I was shot. 122 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:14,080 No. I did not! 123 00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:16,400 I'm so sorry, I'll speak to the gentleman. 124 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:17,840 Oh, dear! 125 00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:19,920 You've made me miss coffee hour. 126 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:21,800 You've done it now, you bounder! 127 00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:23,360 How will I take my pills? 128 00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:26,160 She uses her tea to take her pills. 129 00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:27,960 AND he's still in my chair! 130 00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:30,880 He needs a high-back chair! 131 00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:34,960 Margaret, this sort of thing can't carry on. 132 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:36,960 It just can't. 133 00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:40,920 My glasses... 134 00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:42,080 Well, I warned you. 135 00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:45,480 Your first letter. 136 00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:47,320 Insulting a veteran. 137 00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:50,440 Impersonating a police officer to get free parking. 138 00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:53,200 I thought I told you to keep yourself to yourself. 139 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:54,680 I thought I was! 140 00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:55,920 SHE HUFFS 141 00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:58,320 HE EXHALES 142 00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:04,960 Welcome, ladies. 143 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:06,520 It's lovely to see you. 144 00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:12,920 Right, let's crack on. 145 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:16,400 HE EXHALES 146 00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:20,320 Oh, hello. 147 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:23,480 I'm afraid the Watercolour Wanderers are fully subscribed. 148 00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:25,960 We can include you in an internet waiting list. 149 00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:29,120 Oh, no, I'm sorry, I'm just here to clean this. 150 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:30,720 Impossible, I'm afraid. 151 00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:34,240 My artists need a contemplative atmosphere. 152 00:06:34,240 --> 00:06:39,640 The only sound you will hear will be the sound of soft brush upon canvas. 153 00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:40,760 So... 154 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,640 Good morning, Watercolour Wanderers. 155 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:50,520 Art mirrors life and you have captured life in... 156 00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:51,840 ZIP CLOSING 157 00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:53,360 MUTTERING 158 00:06:57,120 --> 00:06:58,520 ..in your art. 159 00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:04,880 Today, though, we dare to face death. 160 00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:06,200 CASE THUDS 161 00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:09,160 QUIETLY: Sorry. 162 00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:13,040 WHISPERING: It's him over there and he's nothing but trouble. 163 00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:14,920 GLOVES SNAP 164 00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:20,320 Our brushes pay homage to a dearly departed friend. 165 00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:21,520 BRUSH SCRUBS LOUDLY 166 00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:22,920 HUSHED GASPS 167 00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:28,120 Today, Water Colourers, we immortalise Bill. 168 00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:29,960 OOHING & AHHING 169 00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:31,840 BRUSH SCRUBBING 170 00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:36,560 Oh, so disrespectful! 171 00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:40,880 I'll brush quieter. 172 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:47,240 ..outing you, outing me... 173 00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:49,120 I'm sick of... 174 00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:51,840 I'm going to have words with him. HUSHED COMPLAINTS 175 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:56,480 It's hard to see in these specs. 176 00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:03,760 I'm sorry, I'm really trying. 177 00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:05,480 Ahh! 178 00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:07,040 SHE GASPS 179 00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:08,480 Oh! 180 00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:14,320 Hello? 181 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:18,720 SHE GROANS 182 00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:21,440 DEEP RUMBLE 183 00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:25,920 THEY BOTH SHRIEK 184 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,720 Mother of God, someone stop him! 185 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:32,799 SHRIEKING CONTINUES 186 00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:35,480 HE SMACKS LIPS 187 00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:38,039 Ah, well, these things happen. 188 00:08:38,039 --> 00:08:40,480 Six letters now. 189 00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:43,440 "It felt like he was dancing on Bill's grave, naked." 190 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,440 I lent her the glasses to be helpful! 191 00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:47,040 They don't like to be helped. 192 00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:48,680 They don't want to be patronised. 193 00:08:48,680 --> 00:08:53,000 I thought retirement was some golden period of happy reflection. 194 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:56,920 Look, please, just mind your own business. 195 00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:59,040 Only clean when the space is empty. 196 00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:02,000 And never give up an opportunity to apologise. 197 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,720 Because they always win. 198 00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:05,960 All right. 199 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:08,160 I'll go and get some kit from my van. 200 00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:09,600 Apologetically. Very good. 201 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:10,840 SUE: How dare you? 202 00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:13,160 Oh, shit. Now she's accusing Sue! Would you look at her go. 203 00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:16,400 Great! That's what happens when you watch Midsomer Murders all day. 204 00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:17,880 Ladies, ladies, ladies... What? 205 00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:19,920 Right... No... Ladies, ladies, ladies, please. Please. 206 00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:27,920 Ah, there you are. 207 00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:29,280 It's this way. 208 00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:30,680 Sorry? It's in here. 209 00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:33,640 Quick as you like. They're waiting. 210 00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:35,880 Who's waiting? 211 00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:44,120 Now, then, what a treat it is for us to welcome... 212 00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:47,800 ..Huw Davey! 213 00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:52,800 It is quite the privilege for us 214 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:54,960 to be joined by a professional singer 215 00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:57,840 and I know you've all been looking forward to it. 216 00:09:57,840 --> 00:10:01,240 Oh, I do think there's been a little bit of confusion here. 217 00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:03,440 This is his pre-show banter. 218 00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:05,440 He did all this on the cruise. 219 00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:08,560 No, the thing is, I am actually just here to clean. 220 00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:10,960 A male cleaner! You were right, he's a riot! 221 00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:12,520 Pick a song, Davey. 222 00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:14,800 This is the Sing-Along Swingers, not a chat club. 223 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:15,960 Yes, but... 224 00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:19,160 Davey, take it from me, get them singing. 225 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:20,680 You're losing them. 226 00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:22,440 HUSHED WHISPERS 227 00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:25,760 Right, well... 228 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:30,080 Ladies and gentlemen, I wasn't expecting this, 229 00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:33,240 but let's do this, shall we? 230 00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:34,480 MIC INTERFERENCE 231 00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:41,680 # Pack up your troubles in your old kitbag 232 00:10:41,680 --> 00:10:45,640 # And smile, smile, smile... # ORGAN ACCOMPANIES 233 00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:47,080 You know it. 234 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:51,200 # Don't let your fear and laughter hear the snag 235 00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:54,880 # Smile, boys, that's the style... # ORGAN STOPS 236 00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:56,240 Now we're cooking! 237 00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:59,400 # What's the use in worrying? 238 00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:02,720 # It never was worthwhile... # 239 00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:04,160 Oh, shut up! You sing so... 240 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:06,600 So you... 241 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:09,680 What the hell was that? 242 00:11:09,680 --> 00:11:11,360 How old do you think we are? 243 00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:12,760 Pack Up Your Troubles? 244 00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:14,720 None of us were more than toddlers in the war! 245 00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:17,720 Oh... I was at Woodstock, you cheeky pig! 246 00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:19,240 We're boomers! 247 00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:21,040 I've had three abortions. 248 00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:22,200 Three? 249 00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:23,440 Your body, your right. 250 00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:26,040 Now, let's give Mr Davey a chance. 251 00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:28,040 Get the era right, Davey, for God's sake! 252 00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:29,640 There's going to be a riot. 253 00:11:29,640 --> 00:11:31,680 HISSING: Yes, but I'm not the singer. 254 00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:32,920 Follow me. 255 00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:32,920 HE PLAYS ORGAN 256 00:11:32,920 --> 00:11:35,720 # One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock, rock 257 00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:38,560 # Five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock, rock 258 00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:40,920 TOGETHER: # Nine, ten, 11 o'clock, 12 o'clock, rock 259 00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:43,920 # We're going to rock around the clock tonight 260 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:46,360 # Put your glad rags on And join me... # 261 00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:48,080 No, no. Stop, stop. 262 00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:48,080 THEY SING 263 00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:49,280 Sorry to interrupt! 264 00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:51,160 Sorry to interrupt. 265 00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:51,160 SINGING STOPS 266 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:52,880 QUIETLY: Can we have a word, please? Yeah. 267 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:54,200 It's fine. 268 00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:57,280 Thatcher out! Oh! 269 00:11:57,280 --> 00:11:58,880 GASPS 270 00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:00,960 MIC INTERFERENCE 271 00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:02,240 What the hell?! 272 00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:04,480 I tried to tell them. They wouldn't listen! 273 00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:07,360 Ah. Mr Huw Davey. Please, do go in. 274 00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:09,400 HIGH-PITCHED: You'll be hearing from my solicitor! 275 00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:14,960 You are one incident away from them calling a committee disciplinary. 276 00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:18,280 Please, don't go opening a pandora's box. 277 00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:20,480 Now, you might get 15 minutes of cleaning 278 00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:22,760 before the Ballroom Follies take over the main space, OK? 279 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:30,600 # Oh, Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling 280 00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:32,680 # From glen to glen... # 281 00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:34,400 Having a good morning, young man? 282 00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:38,200 I mean, to be honest, it's more stressful than I ever imagined. 283 00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:40,400 Poor Bill would be turning in his grave. 284 00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:41,800 Wonderful man. 285 00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:43,520 Loved by all. 286 00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:46,000 Well, nearly all. 287 00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:49,160 You don't think it was an accident, do you? 288 00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:50,520 SHE SCOFFS 289 00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:52,280 He fell, did he? 290 00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:53,680 Well, yeah, the police report... 291 00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:55,600 The police! The police... 292 00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:57,160 Wake up! 293 00:12:57,160 --> 00:12:58,400 He was pushed! 294 00:12:58,400 --> 00:12:59,840 BILL YELLS 295 00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:01,080 THUD! 296 00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:02,680 WHISPERING: By who? 297 00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:05,200 I have yet to reach my conclusions, 298 00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:09,520 but I am currently finding Christine's portrait 299 00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:11,240 very interesting. 300 00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:20,240 Ugh. 301 00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:24,000 Oh! Now, don't you go aggravating her, 302 00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:26,040 she's only just managed to get her pills down. 303 00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:29,240 Actually, Maud, I wanted to apologise. 304 00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:30,960 I shouldn't have interfered before. 305 00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:32,720 I shouldn't have lent you my glasses. 306 00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:34,920 You falling over - my fault. 307 00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:36,840 You not being able to take your pills - 308 00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:38,760 also my fault, so... 309 00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:40,600 You can cut my lawn! 310 00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:44,360 Hey? She wants you to make amends. 311 00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:45,880 OK. 312 00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:48,360 I guess I could pop over on my day off next Wednesday. 313 00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:51,080 Wednesday is recycling day. 314 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:52,200 All day? 315 00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:54,800 You heard the woman, it's recycling day! 316 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,960 One weekend? Ah, lovely! 317 00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:00,960 A noisy lawnmower driving the neighbours mad. 318 00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:05,160 Why not organise a rave in her garden, too? Bring a bag of Es! 319 00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:06,520 Drugs?! 320 00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:09,240 We can't have drugs on the property! 321 00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:12,120 Oh, well done, you've upset her again! 322 00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:14,280 Can't you see she's got bad nerves? 323 00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:15,840 SHE WHIMPERS 324 00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:24,720 HE SIGHS 325 00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:28,800 You look like you need that. 326 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:30,200 Tough morning? 327 00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:31,920 HE SCOFFS 328 00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:31,920 Well, I haven't really 329 00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:33,520 had a chance to do anything yet. 330 00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:36,320 People are a little inflexible round here. 331 00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:37,760 Yeah. 332 00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:37,760 THEY CHUCKLE 333 00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:39,040 Would you care to join me? 334 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:42,600 Yeah. 335 00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:48,880 Ballroom Follies? 336 00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:52,280 Yes, I do enjoy a dance. 337 00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:54,520 Gets the creaky old joints moving. 338 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:55,760 Oh, that's lovely. 339 00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:56,960 How long have you been dancing? 340 00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:58,880 Oh, about three years now. 341 00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:01,000 Since my husband died. 342 00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:03,280 HE SMACKS LIPS 343 00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:03,280 Oh. 344 00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:04,600 Well, that's sweet. 345 00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:07,600 It must be a real comfort to know 346 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:09,360 that you'll always have those memories, 347 00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:10,640 no matter what happens... 348 00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:11,840 Bitch! 349 00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:13,320 Sorry? 350 00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:16,800 Look! That Carol Davies. 351 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:18,760 I knew she'd do this. 352 00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:20,320 I showed her my new ballgown, 353 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:24,200 and she goes straight out and buys the same one. 354 00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:25,600 Might be a coincidence, no? 355 00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:27,400 Don't be so fucking naive. 356 00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:28,680 I've planned for this. 357 00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:31,720 Second dress! 358 00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:32,800 Mm. 359 00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:35,560 Right, I'm going to need your help. 360 00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:36,840 Come to the ladies'. 361 00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:38,040 What? 362 00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:40,160 I need you to stop people coming in. 363 00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:42,320 No, no, no, I don't want to get involved. 364 00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:43,920 Oh, it's too late for that now. 365 00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:45,080 Cover me. 366 00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:48,280 Erm... Cover me. 367 00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:05,600 Oh, I'm so sorry, they're out of action at the moment, so... 368 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,440 Are you having a problem, Carol? 369 00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:09,200 He's blocking the way! 370 00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:12,480 Good God, man, interfering with the ladies' toilets now. 371 00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:15,120 Do we need to add Peeping Tom to your CV? 372 00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:19,320 Hey?! He pretended to be disabled to get a blue badge. 373 00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:20,760 I didn't, Carol. 374 00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:22,840 And I was asked to stand here! 375 00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:25,480 Where's Margaret? This is a committee job. 376 00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:28,440 We can't have a sexual deviant blocking the toilets. 377 00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:30,760 All right. Go in. 378 00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:32,120 What do I care! 379 00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:35,640 SCREAMING 380 00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:36,960 What the hell? 381 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:38,200 He's exposed her! 382 00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:39,760 On purpose! 383 00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:42,920 Twisted pervert! Call a committee meeting. 384 00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:44,240 HE COUGHS 385 00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:47,320 Oh! You've set his lungs off now. 386 00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:50,040 Oh, the committee will hear about this! 387 00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:51,240 Lovely dress, Carol. 388 00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:52,400 Really suits you. 389 00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:54,080 Help me do up the back, would you? 390 00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:58,280 Well, you really have caused a stir. 391 00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:00,240 I may be able to help you. 392 00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:03,760 Would you mind picking Artist Of The Week? 393 00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:05,640 I don't know whether I should. 394 00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:10,440 It would really help curry favour with the committee. 395 00:17:12,760 --> 00:17:13,960 Argh! 396 00:17:15,599 --> 00:17:20,119 Oh, very mysterious coming out of the smoke there. 397 00:17:20,119 --> 00:17:21,880 Quite regal. 398 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:27,079 Ah. Oh, yeah. Mm, colours. Nice. 399 00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:31,000 Oh, so funny. Funny face. 400 00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:33,000 Lovely, really nice. 401 00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:37,120 Oh, my God! 402 00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:41,320 Problem? 403 00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:42,720 Are you Christine? 404 00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:43,840 I am. 405 00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:44,920 I thought so. 406 00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:46,880 How did you know that? Hmm? 407 00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:50,720 Oh, just people have been talking about your portrait 408 00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:52,360 and I can see why. It's... 409 00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:56,040 It's very interesting. 410 00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:58,400 I-I-In what way? 411 00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:00,200 Hmm? 412 00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:00,200 SHE CHUCKLES 413 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,240 Because of the... 414 00:18:05,520 --> 00:18:07,080 ..hands? 415 00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:08,680 Oh. Yes. 416 00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:10,520 I understand that they're hard to do, aren't they? 417 00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:12,400 Hands, are they... 418 00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:14,040 They are. 419 00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:16,520 Christine has been working very hard. 420 00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:18,280 I think she wants to know 421 00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:20,040 what's unique about her painting. 422 00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:23,600 Well.... 423 00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:28,880 Away, man, say it! 424 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:31,920 HE HESITATES 425 00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:38,440 Mm. 426 00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:42,320 Well, it's got a big old nob. 427 00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:43,720 ALL GASP 428 00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:45,480 Oh! 429 00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:45,480 SHE BURBLES 430 00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:49,480 I thought that's what you meant, no? 431 00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:53,960 What the hell is wrong with you? 432 00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:55,560 What's wrong with ME? 433 00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:56,720 Saying a painting of a dead man 434 00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:57,960 had a big... QUIETLY: ..penis. 435 00:18:57,960 --> 00:18:59,840 WHISPERING: She did give him a big penis! 436 00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:01,680 You saw she gave him a big penis! 437 00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:04,040 Everyone saw she gave him a big penis. 438 00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:07,520 Yeah, well, they want you to attend the committee hearing now. 439 00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:08,760 What?! 440 00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:09,840 Multiple offences. 441 00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:11,120 Multiple. 442 00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:12,240 No. 443 00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:13,560 I've just been here trying to do my job. 444 00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:17,120 I'm not going to attend some jumped-up geriatric kangaroo court! 445 00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:18,480 They're connected. 446 00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:21,240 Letters will have gone out to Hunniford, Rippon, the other one. 447 00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:23,560 There'll be exposes on TV, the local press. 448 00:19:23,560 --> 00:19:25,440 They've got the town MP in their pocket! 449 00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:26,640 Oh, God! 450 00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:28,640 HUSHED MURMURING, PHONE VIBRATES 451 00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:33,920 It's my boss. 452 00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:36,520 He says I've got to attend the committee meeting! 453 00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:38,520 HE GASPS 454 00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:38,520 Snitches! 455 00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:43,680 They won't stop. Ever. 456 00:19:57,640 --> 00:19:59,880 Anyone in that room could be the murderer. 457 00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:01,560 Will you just leave me alone? 458 00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:03,840 You've got me in enough trouble! 459 00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:06,480 Christine Kenyon was a viable suspect. 460 00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:08,080 You saw the painting. 461 00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:09,720 They were clearly lovers! 462 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:13,240 One last kiss. 463 00:20:13,240 --> 00:20:15,320 CONSPIRATORIAL MUSIC PLAYS 464 00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:17,480 Why a last kiss, my love? 465 00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:20,280 I won't share you, Bill. 466 00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:23,560 If I can't have you, no-one will. 467 00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:25,120 BILL YELLS 468 00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:31,880 Frank - him and Bill had historical beef going back years. 469 00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:34,640 Mostly cucumber-based, of course. 470 00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:38,000 Well, you're putting something on them, man! It's unnatural. 471 00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:42,640 You think I'd illegally feed cucumbers to win a competition? 472 00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:44,320 Oh, Frank, this is madness. 473 00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:46,320 I'll show you madness. 474 00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:48,840 BILL YELLS 475 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:53,040 Could you just stop? 476 00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:55,000 Maud is an interesting fish. 477 00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:56,520 Hm! Yeah. 478 00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:58,800 You think Frank is in charge in that relationship? 479 00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:01,080 Hmm! Think again, my friend. 480 00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:04,080 All I said was, "Coughing well today, Frank." 481 00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:06,880 You humiliated my man, Bill. 482 00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:08,400 His lungs are bad. 483 00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:10,360 He could use my blue badge. 484 00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:13,480 YOU shouldn't have a blue badge! 485 00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:14,760 BILL YELLS 486 00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:16,760 You do realise I've stopped listening. 487 00:21:18,120 --> 00:21:19,240 This way, please. 488 00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:21,560 Hat off! 489 00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:31,560 And also, Bill had borrowed Carol's hedge trimmers. 490 00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:35,160 I think you're sick, do you know that? 491 00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:36,640 I think you're sick! 492 00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:43,320 OVERLAPPING ARGUMENTS 493 00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:46,280 It was a big knob! 494 00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:47,640 OVERLAPPING ARGUMENTS 495 00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:49,440 And he looks like a fat... 496 00:21:59,120 --> 00:22:02,400 MUSIC: The Suite For Jazz Orchestra No. 2 by Dmitri Shostakovich 497 00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:14,800 The committee's let you stay, then? 498 00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:17,520 It's ridiculous, they've put me on a... 499 00:22:17,520 --> 00:22:19,240 Red card warning, yeah. 500 00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:21,000 OK. Well, you know, keep the head down. 501 00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:23,000 You can clean again after this last dance. 502 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:26,160 And, please, just don't upset any more of them. Yeah? 503 00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:27,720 It is a nightmare, this place. 504 00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:29,440 I'm never retiring. Never! 505 00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:31,640 Yeah, I told you. I tried to tell you. 506 00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:33,160 THUD! STRANGLED SCREAM 507 00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:35,640 Oh, Jesus! Maud's fallen again. 508 00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:37,280 Could be another Health and Safety Tribunal. 509 00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:38,320 Ha-ha, fuck! 510 00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:43,400 Tail between your legs? 511 00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:45,360 I run the Ballroom Follies, too. 512 00:22:45,360 --> 00:22:47,000 All right. Well, don't worry, 513 00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:49,160 I'm not going near it till you've finished. 514 00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:50,520 You've booked the space, I know. 515 00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:52,400 No, no, it's not that. 516 00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:57,520 One of our dancers is without their partner today, they're in hospital. 517 00:22:57,520 --> 00:23:00,400 Wondered if you might step in for the last waltz. 518 00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:02,040 Absolutely not. 519 00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:04,120 No. I'm cleaning and I'm leaving. 520 00:23:04,120 --> 00:23:06,720 Look, you mean well. 521 00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:08,840 I saw that in the sing-along group. 522 00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:11,720 I'm asking for an act of compassion. HE SIGHS 523 00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:14,440 Some things are bigger than your problems, young man. 524 00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:17,520 All right, one dance. 525 00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:18,840 Where is she? 526 00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:20,000 She? 527 00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:36,680 HE SIGHS 528 00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:46,000 You've had quite the day, haven't you? 529 00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:49,160 I'm beginning to think this is some sort of cheese dream, to be honest. 530 00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:52,320 I thought retirement was supposed to be peaceful. 531 00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:56,160 This is just a load of spiteful overgrown children, 532 00:23:56,160 --> 00:24:00,600 petty recriminations, murder conspiracy theories. 533 00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:01,800 Pauline. 534 00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:04,480 Before she discovered the centre, 535 00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:07,040 Pauline spent most of her days at home in front of the telly. 536 00:24:07,040 --> 00:24:08,160 HE SCOFFS 537 00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:10,560 No-one murdered Bill, for God's sake! 538 00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:14,240 No, but it's nice to see a fertile imagination 539 00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:15,640 having a run out, isn't it? 540 00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:17,040 Well... 541 00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:20,320 I don't think you've quite got the measure of this place, have you? 542 00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:23,200 You see Frank? 543 00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:25,320 Old bad legs? Yeah. 544 00:24:25,320 --> 00:24:27,120 Used to be a pilot. 545 00:24:27,120 --> 00:24:33,520 Oh. And Christine over there ran an emergency ward for 30 years. 546 00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:36,240 You get my point? 547 00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:38,480 I'm afraid I haven't got a clue what you're talking about. 548 00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:40,960 Where does all that energy go? 549 00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:43,880 Where's that sense of purpose? 550 00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:50,120 It's here, in this wonderful, wonderful place. 551 00:24:50,120 --> 00:24:52,840 Then why does everyone seem so unhappy? 552 00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:54,240 MUFFLED CHATTER 553 00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:55,720 Oh, look again. 554 00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:03,560 INAUDIBLE 555 00:25:25,840 --> 00:25:28,200 You know, you're a terrible dancer. 556 00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:30,320 But I wish I'd given you a whirl around myself. 557 00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:33,000 Best not. 558 00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:34,400 I'm a pervert. 559 00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:35,720 Who says I'm not? 560 00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:38,720 Oh. 561 00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:48,480 BUSY CHATTER 562 00:26:00,360 --> 00:26:02,760 OVERLAPPING COMPLAINTS 563 00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:05,720 HE SIGHS 564 00:26:15,400 --> 00:26:17,000 Argh! 565 00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:33,880 Fair enough. 566 00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:35,120 Rules are rules. 567 00:26:38,360 --> 00:26:39,640 See you now. Bye. 568 00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:49,640 It's ridiculous. 569 00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:51,000 It should be in the budget! 570 00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:53,600 Blu-Tack for mucky fingers will have to come from your subscription. 571 00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:55,760 Well, I think our fees for the space should cover more than that, 572 00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:57,560 thank you very much! Bill, I have a lot on... 573 00:26:57,560 --> 00:26:58,840 Does the committee know about this? 574 00:26:58,840 --> 00:27:00,600 I think the committee would be very interested 575 00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:03,160 in where that money is going. 576 00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:04,400 You're not suggesting... 577 00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:06,240 And people have noticed you running around 578 00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:10,480 in a rather nice NEW Citroen Saxo. 579 00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:13,040 How dare you! 580 00:27:14,880 --> 00:27:16,520 SHE GRUNTS, HE YELLS 581 00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:20,560 Oh! 582 00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:20,560 THUD! 583 00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:33,720 MUSIC: Pack Up Your Troubles In Your Old Kitbag And Smile, Smile, Smile by George Powell & Felix Powell 584 00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:37,120 # Pack up your troubles in your old kitbag 585 00:27:37,120 --> 00:27:40,240 # And smile, smile, smile 586 00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:44,200 # While you've a lucifer to light your fag 587 00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:47,520 # Smile, boys, that's the style! 588 00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:50,880 # What's the use of worrying? 589 00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:54,120 # It never was worthwhile 590 00:27:54,120 --> 00:27:58,040 # So pack up your troubles in your old kitbag 591 00:27:58,040 --> 00:28:01,400 # And smile, smile, smile. #