Your jobs are just getting weirder.
A lighthouse?!
A lighthouse! Off the coast of Ireland!
And get this - I don't even have to clean any blood up!
One of the lighthouse keepers went missing.
They think he fell off a cliff.
All they want me to do is clean his bedroom out
cos it's upsetting the other keeper.
You're not going on your own?
Oh, love, you won't survive.
What are you on about? I thrive on my own.
I'm like that fish we saw on Attenborough.
The angler fish. Yeah.
I'm the urban angler fish.
SHE CHUCKLES
My prediction is that you'll be texting me within a day
because you're bricking it.
Well, I won't. And you know why?
You're the urban angler fish.
Mm-hm. Yeah, I know sweetheart.
Oh, Ireland...
UPLIFTING CELTIC MUSIC
LAUGHTER
Really? Really?!
Lads, I'm trying to have a moment out here.
Ah, sorry about that.
It's just a wee tradition we have here on the Merry Bow.
You've done it four times now.
I must be initiated.
That's fair enough.
You get out there with the ocean.
You ask the questions you need the answers to.
She'll give you what you need.
You're never alone on the sea.
Thank you.
UPLIFTING MUSIC RESUMES
Five! That's five!
Please!
Remember, you're cut off until we return.
I want to be. Heh.
We pass back here sun-up on Monday.
Don't miss pick-up.
Oh!
That's right, captain.
I took my pants off.
CAPTAIN GASPS
See you Monday.
Hey...
HE EXHALES
Hello, solitude, my old friend.
Ah.
The urban angler fish, he takes nutrition from his environment.
So...
GULL CAWS
Hello, my majestic friend.
May the herring be plentiful today.
I'd give the seaweed a miss. It's...
It's gross.
GULL CAWS
Ah, you again.
Hmm.
Why would anyone put a pan of fish on the...?
GULL SCREECHES
Aaargh! Argh!
Hey, hey! Hey, hey!
Ugh!
HE SIGHS
Gull!
Hivi! Hey!
You'll have the door off its hinges.
Sorry, were you not just up there? How did you...?
You're bleeding.
Oh, yeah, it was a seagull.
No!
You mustn't anger the gulls.
They're sacred here.
Oh.
I think it was just going for a fish.
I'm fine, honestly. It's nothing.
Nothing?
Nothing means nothing here.
Yeah.
GULLS CRY
Caa-aa-aa-aa-aw!
GULL CAWS
Oh. Come along.
They told you I was coming?
I'm the crime scene cleaner.
Crime scene? Where's the crime?
I've never been to a lighthouse before.
I was quite relieved there were no talking animals running around.
Ohh...
You remember Fraggle Rock?
How did that theme tune go?
SLAM!
If you sing a single word
from that theme tune, I swear by all that is holy,
I will take a knotted rope to you.
Well, I do not like the sound of that.
So...you're the one that's been charged to erase
the memory of Patrick O'Mally, huh?
Oh... Yeah, I just think the police thought it would be helpful...
Oh, to forget my only companion of 30 years?
To deny a hurt that gnaws away at my very soul?
Oh...
Does it hurt? Huh?
Oh... Yeah, it does sting a bit.
Ah.
Seems that Patrick's friends do not want him
to be cleaned away, doesn't it?
What, the seagulls?
I'll show you his room.
This is not like Fraggle Rock at all.
Can I go up the lighthouse at some point?
The keeper is the only one permitted in the light room.
Oh...
OK.
It's a shame cos, well, it sounds silly, but, er...
..do you ever do one of those shadow rabbits?
KEEPER GROWLS
I'll show you his room.
Cosy.
Well, it's as he left it.
Right.
Well, I will be respectful and I'll put things right.
Where will I be sleeping?
Here.
Is that a problem?
In the dead man's room with the creepy drawings?
No. No, that's...
I WANT that.
I'm sorry about your friend's passing.
"Passing"? Was there a body?
They said that would have washed out to sea when he fell off the cliffs.
Swept out to sea?!
He was in his bed, boy!
Well, it can't have happened here, there's...
..there's no blood.
KEEPER GUFFAWS
Do you know how the eagle hunts fish?
I'm about to find out, aren't I?
It plucks them from the ocean,
drives its talons through the fish's back.
The flight to the nest is short and the fish, gasping for breath,
will usually survive,
and it's there, high in the tree tops,
that its wet eye watches on in horror as the eagle eats it alive.
Fucking nature.
Salt water. Huh?
You're going to need to bathe that bite in salt water
for the infection.
You should go down to the cove in the morning. Let's say 8am?
Sorry...
You don't think your friend was taken by a massive eagle, right?
Of course he wasn't.
Thank God for that.
But I didn't say he wasn't taken.
I suppose you'll be taking photographs?
Multiple photographs? Ghoulish records of a lost man's room?
Something to titillate the World Wide Web?
Well, I'll take a couple for my boss.
No, no, you do what you have to do.
You tell who you have to tell.
Agh! Of course, no bloody signal.
HE SIGHS
No, Ruth, I'm not missing you.
So, er...
Have you been here for a long time or...?
30 summers since.
Blimey. And your friend?
Keeper's mate!
Patrick O'Mally was the keeper's mate and he was with me throughout.
Blimey.
You must have got though some box sets, eh?
Huh? You've got Netflix, have you?
Patrick and I did not need the light box for company.
Christ! What did you do for entertainment?
Oh, I see! Writing a book, are we?
Or a newspaper article about the secrets of the island?
Go right ahead.
But if I see it written anywhere that we were sleeping in the
same bed, I will find you and I will beat you with a steel pole.
Steel pole?! What happened to the knotted rope?!
I'm just here to clean! Calm down.
What did you mean, though, when you said they're not happy with me?
His friends. Are we talking about seagulls?
Why do you think they are the only sacred birds on the island?
Huh?
The souls of dead seamen have to go somewhere.
WICKY SCOFFS
Oh, come on. Don't be daft.
Funny, is it?!
I suppose the isolation finally got to me, did it?!
Drove me crazy?! Oh-ho-ho-ho!
This is going in your online internet blog, is it?
No.
Lost my mind to the howling winds, did I?
Smashed in his skull and then disposed of his body?
Is that what you're thinking, is it?!
Well, I wasn't!
A madman who took the life of his lover?
No!
Sorry, were you lovers?
NOOOO!
KEEPER SIGHS
You don't know the ways of the island or its rules, cleaner man.
You spooked the gulls.
There's a price to be paid for that.
Mark these words! Mark them!
I'll mark them! I'll mark them!
Finish your food.
You know, this... this really is delicious, you know.
There's lots of different flavours in here.
I don't even...
..know what...some...
Sorry, is this a beak?!
Do puffins not have beaks where you're from, boy?
Puffins?!
Are you deaf, boy? It was puffin meat.
I don't think Chris Packham would want us eating puffins.
I told you, 'tis only the seagulls are sacred on this island.
Yeah... But why are they angry?
Because they know when someone is going to be taken away.
Who do you think took him?
Who...or what?
The Oillipheist...
What's the Oillipheist?
A deadly sea beast.
The Oillipheist always leaves one behind
to tell the tale of its existence.
But there are two of us.
Sleep well. You'll need your sleep tonight.
WICKY SIGHS
Were you recording that on your little phone?
No. Why would I?
HE SIGHS
"The Oillipheist comes at night.
"It can't be stopped.
"But it always leaves one behind.
"The dead souls of fishermen turn to seagulls' form
"to warn the living of the Oillipheist."
ROARING AND CAWING
HE SCOFFS
Hivi! Agh!
Huh?
MUSIC: Don't Go by Hothouse Flowers
HE RETCHES
Shadow rabbits.
Aaaargh!
Where the hell are you going?
Only the keeper is permitted in the light room! I told you!
I wasn't going to...
Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...
Can you stop tapping my bite?!
Just do your job and leave!
Hey.
Why were you outside in the rain last night?
The power lines.
Sometimes the wind blows them down.
We can't let darkness back in here.
Not again.
Salt water, remember?
We said the cove. 8am.
GASPS: Ye-ee-ah?
GASPS: Ye-ee-ah.
GULL SCREECHES
I've barely slept, mate, but I swear,
I will knock you the fuck out.
What the...?
You're losing your mind.
Agh.
HE SCREAMS
Jellyfish!
What? That can't be it.
I thought it was an urban myth!
I can't do it.
I can't put piss on my lips.
Oh...
HE PEES
'diculous.
I'm sorry.
There was no need for me to behave like that.
It's hard, having company again.
Oh, Jesus!
Well...
..who is this pretty little maid come to call?
It's a bloody health and safety disaster, this island.
To pluck but one kiss from those cherry lips.
I suppose the jellyfish that did this was trying to teach me
something, was it?
Jellyfish, eh? Well, you're doing the right thing.
Do you think? Mm.
Oh, OK.
I wasn't sure if it was just an old wives' tale, but it does...
What, drinking your way through the pain?
I know a few old wives that have done that.
And I will not let a good man drink whisky alone.
Ohhh!
No, I don't...
I don't think that's a good idea, actually.
When is it a bad idea? Hivi.
Let's bury the hatchet, huh?
You know what I think the old lips need?
Bit of bedrest, so... Yeah, a few of these
and you'll forget you even have lips at all.
Slainte!
Mmm! Yes.
Are you not drinking yours?
Well... Ah, come on, boy, get 'er down you.
Oh, she'll go.
She'll go down all right.
Soon...
Look, if you're not going to drink that...
Hey! You won't take my drink!
Well, get her down you, then, boy.
Here she goes. Come on!
Now, straight down. Drink up your medicine, all of it. Here we go.
Mmm! Go, go, go!
Ooh, a sip... Finish it!
A sip is enough sometimes.
Finish it! O...K...
Go, go.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Boy, yeah!
KEEPER CHUCKLES
Of course, you know the cure for jellyfish stings?
Hmm...
Only too well, my friend.
Only too well.
And let me tell you, the aftertaste...
Kelp.
Kelp!
That's the cure.
Why haven't they put kelp in the book?!
Mmm, kelp. Lovely kelp.
We used to sit like this for hours. Slainte.
Cheers.
Talking, singing.
Proper songs, too.
Traditional shanty.
Oh, well, I'd love to hear a traditional shanty.
No, I couldn't. No, please!
Oh, sure my voice is gone.
Just one. Well, all right, let's see what I can do.
KEEPER CLEARS THROAT
# Ohh... Ohh...
# Oh, Mammy, speak to me
# What will we have for tea?
# For sure, my belly's rumbling
# And I can barely see
# His mother turned around
# She slumped down to the ground
# You can't be fed, your daddy's dead
# His boat has run aground
# Now I must walk the streets
# For strangers, I will meet
# To sell my wretched body
# For to try and buy us meat. #
Bloody hell, mate. Keep it light, will you?
They all starve to death in the end.
That was one of O'Mally's favourites.
He loved that one.
Ooh...
Do you think you should get off the island for a while?
I can't.
Come back to the mainland with me.
Get some perspective.
There's a bloke down my local pub called Weasel,
he can get four packs of Maltesers in his mouth.
You're the one who should leave.
It only comes here when there's two men.
"It"? The Olliethingy?
The Oillipheist.
Yes, the sea beast that came and took O'Mally,
and we don't know where he is,
but he's going to come back as a seagull?
Correct. And the Oillipheist's angry now because I've come
and he's going to come and take one of us?
You don't believe in anything you don't understand, do you?
No.
Because all mysteries get explained in the end.
So what did you see in the cove this morning?
Aha!
Well, I thought I saw a woman with a tail sitting on a rock,
but obviously that's impossible.
I did not see a mermaid. Did you not?
No, because one, they don't exist,
and two, it didn't look like a mermaid.
And how would the big, long cleaner boy from the city
know what a mermaid looks like?
Oh, come on, we've all seen Splash. Mermaids are fit.
KEEPER GASPS
I'm not sexist, but...
..she was rough.
THUNDER CRASHES
It's coming! It's coming for me!
The only thing coming for us is a bad hangover.
Get you to your room.
Stay there until sunrise.
Do not come out, no matter what you hear.
Mate!
It's ridiculous!
Well, I hope you're still laughing as the blood fills your mouth
from the crushing weight of its mighty jaw.
DISTORTED LAUGHTER
THUNDER CRASHES
Do you like my sexy old man body?
HE WHIMPERS
VOICES OVERLAP: See? You're useless alone.
Agh! Agh! No! The Oillipheist...
The Oillipheist always leaves her mark.
SCREAMS
Why?!
No, captain!
It's here!
What the f...?! Get up!
Huh?! The Oillipheist! It's here!
It's cut the power lines! Quickly!
Mate, this is madness!
There is no Oillipheist!
The light is out. It's bitten through the wires.
Yeah, well, it'll be a fault, won't it? Radio the mainland.
No, I am going to try and fix it.
You need to go up to the light room to flip the trip.
Oh! I thought I wasn't allowed in the light room.
Argh! I may not be back!
Pray for me.
If that light does not come on again,
the boat collecting you in the morning may be dashed on the rocks.
It's probably a fuse, isn't it?
I'll radio the mainland.
Jesus.
Uh, breaker 1-9.
What's your 20 for an eyeball, good buddy?
Receiving...
What?!
Breaker 1-9, what's going on over there?
What the fuck?!
I have to face it for Patrick!
If the Oillipheist takes me, it will leave you.
It always leaves one, you'll be fine.
If you see Patrick, tell him I'll join him soon.
HE SQUEALS
No. Awake.
I don't even know what a trip switch looks like, you old goon.
OK.
DISTANT SCREECHING
SCREECHING
O'Malley?!
It can't be!
Argh!
HE PANTS
To you, Patrick.
Perhaps they'll listen now.
It was only down by the sea that I worked it out.
You set all this up.
You staged the myth of the Oillipheist.
There's no myth.
Mate, you don't think that O'Mally was taken by the Oillipheist?
He was!
I heard his screams!
Because you were pissed!
No!
Well, if it's real, why are you pretending to be him?
Why all this pantomime?
Because no-one will believe me!
The police, coroner...
I even had a reporter sniffing around.
They don't listen, they just wrote him off.
"Fell off a cliff. Case closed."
WICKY SIGHS
So you thought you'd plant some evidence for the nonbeliever?
Bad things happen to good people for no reason.
He was my friend.
He fell off a cliff.
No, he didn't, he didn't, he didn't!
Never!
A strong man like that, swept away by a little wind?
Never! Not a lighthouse man!
Maybe you're right.
Just...tell them.
Tell anyone what happened here.
Tell them that the Oillipheist took away my friend.
Did I really think you could get it on to that Netflix or a podcast
on the World Wide Web, yeah? Yeah?
I thought you didn't have a telly.
I have an iPad up my room.
I turned off the Wi-Fi when you arrived.
Just tell them.
Promise me.
There's a pub near Birmingham that's about to hear
of the mysterious disappearance of Patrick O'Mally.
I promise.
And you were right.
She was a fine-looking mermaid.
You looked beautiful.
SOMBRE MUSIC
LAUGHTER
HORN BLARES