1 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:27,640 VAN DOOR SHUTS 2 00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:37,160 All right? 3 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:42,760 You're a big lad. 4 00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:44,960 Thank you? 5 00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:48,320 What are you up to? I'm here to clean. 6 00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:49,680 Come on, be serious. 7 00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:51,520 I'm a crime scene cleaner. 8 00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:53,240 Crime scene? 9 00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:55,880 Oh, for the, uh, shepherd's hut. 10 00:00:55,880 --> 00:00:57,880 Some poor lad tried to do himself in. 11 00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:01,000 Oh, no! It wasn't a shotgun, was it? 12 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:02,960 Not being insensitive, you know, but they're a bit 13 00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:05,280 "Pfff! Pfff! Speurgh!" 14 00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:07,360 You know. Messy. 15 00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:09,880 I think it was pills. Yeah, he's all right. 16 00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:11,440 He's in the hospital now, apparently. 17 00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:13,360 But, uh, it's a right old mess in there. 18 00:01:14,320 --> 00:01:15,520 Honk and plop. 19 00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:19,840 Honk and plop? Honk and plop all over the shop. 20 00:01:19,840 --> 00:01:21,800 It's like a bloody pig pen. 21 00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:23,680 Well, I'm a blood spatter specialist. 22 00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:26,240 I don't get called out for honk and plop. By the way, 23 00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:28,000 "honk and plop" is not a phrase. 24 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,320 Well, you'd better get to work. 25 00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:31,520 She wants it rented out at all times. 26 00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:33,880 Have you, uh... 27 00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:37,280 Have you seen her yet? 28 00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:40,200 Who? Lara. The owner. 29 00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:41,520 What do you mean? 30 00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:45,080 She is a prime slice of marbled totty. Right. 31 00:01:45,080 --> 00:01:48,240 Nice, is she? Oh, the curves on her. 32 00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:51,640 She's like Jessica Rabbit, but not a rabbit. 33 00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:53,160 She's like... 34 00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:56,080 ..the Cadbury's rabbit. 35 00:01:56,080 --> 00:01:59,280 Is she a rabbit? No, but I bet she bloody goes like one. 36 00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:01,920 She has got the lot - face, 37 00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:04,960 boobies, and a bum like a peach 38 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:08,080 plucked from the branch in Provence. 39 00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:11,880 A ripe peach. Overripe, if anything. Messy... 40 00:02:11,880 --> 00:02:14,400 All right. OK, I get it. She's a messy rabbit. 41 00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:16,560 She's a messy rabbit, all right! 42 00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:18,560 I'm telling you, if I got the green light, 43 00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:20,960 I'd be at her like a bloody sewing machine. 44 00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:22,360 Ooh, yeah. 45 00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:24,040 Ooh! Ooh! 46 00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:28,000 Hey. Hey! 47 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:29,840 Hey. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! 48 00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:32,160 I heard you the first time. She's a messy rabbit. 49 00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:33,400 Who's a messy rabbit? 50 00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:36,320 Oh. No, sorry. 51 00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:38,480 He was just saying that, um... 52 00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:40,320 Hee-hee, hee-hee, hee-hee! 53 00:02:41,840 --> 00:02:43,160 Sorry. I'm looking for the owner. 54 00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:46,160 I'm the owner. No, but you're, um... 55 00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:49,680 Are you? It's just he said you were, but you're... 56 00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:51,120 Are you trying to say pregnant? 57 00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:53,960 Yes, you are. Obviously! 58 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:55,600 One doesn't like to assume. 59 00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:57,800 You thought I might just be fat? You're not fat. 60 00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:00,560 No, I'm... Yes. With child. 61 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:04,160 I didn't ride to a stable on a fucking donkey. 62 00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:06,480 Do you struggle with the word "pregnant"? No. 63 00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:08,360 Say it, then. Preg-nont? 64 00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:11,520 Oh. Oh. Fair play. That did sound weird. 65 00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:13,120 The shepherd's hut's over there. 66 00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:14,680 I need it cleaned by tonight. 67 00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:17,480 Do you need anything? 68 00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:19,880 I'll have a cuppa if you're offering. I'm not. Oh. Too busy. 69 00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:21,120 OK. 70 00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:24,080 I haven't been over yet. Is it messy rabbit? 71 00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:25,880 Is it messy? 72 00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:29,080 Well, it needs cleaning. But you're a cleaner, aren't you? 73 00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:32,320 Crime scene cleaner. So a cleaner. 74 00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:35,920 How is he? The guy in hospital. 75 00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:37,720 How should I know?! 76 00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:39,200 5pm, please. 77 00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:07,640 Cake? Huh? 78 00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:09,560 The missus made it, so it's probably poisoned. 79 00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:12,160 You made a swift exit. I told you, didn't I? 80 00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:13,760 What a filly, eh? 81 00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:15,720 Bold as brass and twice as bouncy. 82 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:17,960 Why didn't you tell me she was preg-nont? Pregnant. 83 00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:20,960 Hey. Absolute fun house, though, isn't she? 84 00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:24,800 I don't know. I don't think she liked me. She was quite cold. 85 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:26,040 I know. 86 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:28,200 That's what drives me crazy. 87 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:31,240 I sometimes mow the lawn badly on purpose. 88 00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:34,560 Little does she know, while she's giving me that disapproving 89 00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:37,960 look, I'm like a bloody pine tree downstairs. 90 00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:39,560 I've got two heavy baubles. 91 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:41,880 Tinsel weaving... Enough. 92 00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:44,000 Have a bit of respect. The woman's having a baby. 93 00:04:45,280 --> 00:04:47,320 Don't worry. She's single. 94 00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:48,880 You can still get in there. 95 00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:52,560 I don't want to get in anywhere, apart from in this shepherd's hut. 96 00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:54,040 I think she's given me the wrong key. 97 00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:57,240 It sounds daft, but I'm a bit scared to tell her I can't get in. 98 00:04:57,240 --> 00:04:59,040 Oh, pull yourself together, lad. 99 00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:01,680 I'll tell her I need some water, and then I'll have a look for a key 100 00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:03,440 when I'm in there. Uh! 101 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:07,200 Hey. She didn't even have a bloke, you know. 102 00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:09,120 Turkey baster job. 103 00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:11,360 What? Well, she's knocking on, isn't she? 104 00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:15,240 She wanted a little 'un, so she got hold of some special boy sauce 105 00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:16,520 and... 106 00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:16,520 HE SLURPS 107 00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:18,000 "Beep, beep! 108 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:20,240 Lucky baster, I say. 109 00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:23,080 My God, what I wouldn't do to have half an hour with my socks 110 00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:24,600 off bouncing around that castle. 111 00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:27,440 Do you ever do any gardening, or are you too busy just writing 112 00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:29,200 in to Razzles' readers' wives section? 113 00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:30,800 Come on, big lad. 114 00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:32,720 She's ripe for the taking. 115 00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:34,320 Too old to have a bun in the oven. 116 00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:35,840 She'll consider owt. 117 00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:39,360 You're not an ugly lad. From the right angle. 118 00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:41,400 It's none of my business what she does. All right? 119 00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:44,080 And I don't want to star in your rural Carry On film 120 00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:46,080 about some woman who's had to use a turkey baster 121 00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:47,840 because she's too old to be a mum. 122 00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:49,480 I what?! 123 00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:51,360 Oh. No. 124 00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:54,320 He was just because of the, um... 125 00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:55,640 Because... 126 00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:56,880 HE HISSES 127 00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:58,040 The... 128 00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:04,880 Johannes, you are incompetent. 129 00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:07,360 No. You had your chance to reassure them. 130 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:09,800 Now I am going to have to go to Munich in person. 131 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:12,680 No, I don't want you to go. 132 00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:14,760 I want you to charter me a jet. 133 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:16,520 Can you manage that? 134 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:17,840 Careful. There's a knack to... 135 00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:20,120 Hey! Hey! Hey! 136 00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:23,000 Hey, hey, hey! 137 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:25,680 We'll talk about this in your review. Hey! 138 00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:29,200 WATER DRAINS 139 00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:31,760 Did you get your water OK? 140 00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:33,400 There's something wrong with your plumbing. 141 00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:35,520 Well, I mean, not your plumbing, obviously. 142 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:37,280 That's fine. 143 00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:39,240 And we're back on my pregnancy again. 144 00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:42,040 Yes, and on that, 145 00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:44,840 I did not say that out there. That was your gardener. 146 00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:48,480 So... Donald is mourning the death of his wife of 40 years. 147 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:50,720 Is he? Yes. He tends to be 148 00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:52,600 fighting back tears most of the time. 149 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:56,120 So perhaps rather than using an old man's pain as an excuse 150 00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:57,480 for your opinions, you should... 151 00:06:57,480 --> 00:06:59,520 I don't think you're too old to be a mum. 152 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:02,640 Don't you? No! I like old mums. 153 00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:04,600 Old... OLDER mums. 154 00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:07,640 Nice. Nice mature mummies. 155 00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:09,840 That's wrong. That sounds like one of Weasel's films. 156 00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:12,160 He shouldn't sell them down the market. They're illegal. 157 00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:14,000 I have a flight to pack for. 158 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,120 You have your water. 159 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,400 Hang on. You can't fly. 160 00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:19,640 Why shouldn't I? 161 00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:22,320 You don't want to give birth mid-air like a crow, do you? 162 00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:24,560 Is that it? Nah, it'd be nests, would it? 163 00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:28,080 My God. 164 00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:30,480 Oh. A van in your drive. 165 00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:33,440 Yes. It's paint for the nursery. Decorators. 166 00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:35,640 No, it's a delivery. 167 00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:37,400 I'm painting my nursery. 168 00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:39,800 Are you?! Yes. I'm pregnant. 169 00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:41,080 I'm not ill. 170 00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:44,440 Nice. What colour are you going for? 171 00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:47,640 Oh. 172 00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:48,920 I see. 173 00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:56,160 Oh, the...the key? 174 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:10,440 PHONE BUZZES 175 00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:18,680 Um... 176 00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:19,960 Your phone is... 177 00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:22,920 Sorry, your-your phone's going. 178 00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:26,400 Hello? Lara. 179 00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:29,120 Oh, no. Sorry. She's not here at the moment. 180 00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:32,000 Who's that? Oh, I'm just doing a little bit of work here. Right. 181 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:33,960 I've heard about this dreadful business in the shepherd's hut. 182 00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:35,080 How is she? 183 00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:36,760 She seems fine. Well, she's not. 184 00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:39,200 She's in shock, and in her condition that is very serious. 185 00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:40,440 Hot, sweet tea. 186 00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:43,880 Sorry? Make her a cup of hot, sweet tea. 187 00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:45,440 I will be over shortly. 188 00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:46,920 Oh, no. 189 00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:49,280 Listen, I don't think I should do that. 190 00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:51,880 You boys will never have to endure the horrors of childbirth. 191 00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:54,440 And that is as nature intended. But your role is vital. 192 00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:56,720 If I arrive at that house and my daughter is not sitting 193 00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:59,480 in a chair with a cup of hot, sweet tea, I shall 194 00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:01,280 be extremely disappointed. 195 00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:03,200 Tell her Mummy is coming. 196 00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:04,600 Yeah, but... 197 00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:06,400 LINE GOES DEAD 198 00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:09,400 WHISPERS: Mummy's coming. 199 00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:18,480 Tea break, is it? What the fuck? 200 00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:19,600 Oh. 201 00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:21,280 HE LAUGHS 202 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:23,480 Sorry. No, this is for you. Hot, sweet tea. 203 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,240 I don't want a tea. Really? 204 00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:28,240 She was quite insistent. Who was? Your mum. 205 00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:31,080 My mum's here? No, I just spoke to her on the phone. 206 00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:32,440 What, you answered my phone? 207 00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:34,120 Why would you answer my phone? 208 00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:36,800 Oh, well, you weren't around. And... 209 00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:38,360 Anyway, she's coming over. 210 00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:40,960 I don't want her to come over. I'm going out. 211 00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:42,720 I could call her back. No. 212 00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:44,800 I want you to clean my shepherd's hut. 213 00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:46,360 Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. 214 00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:48,040 I'm not upset. I'm angry. 215 00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:50,080 You do understand the difference. 216 00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:51,520 Yes. 217 00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:53,400 Now... 218 00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:55,560 ..you listen to me. 219 00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:57,200 No. 220 00:09:57,200 --> 00:09:58,320 Sorry. 221 00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:00,800 I thought we were playing Belly, Belly, Poke, Poke. 222 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:03,520 Since you've been here, you have inappropriately commented 223 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:07,840 on my looks, age, fertility and means of conception. 224 00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:10,800 You've interfered in my travel plans, made judgments about them, 225 00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:14,080 and patronised me by doing jobs you were not asked to do. 226 00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:16,520 You've helped yourself to the contents of my kitchen cupboards, 227 00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:18,920 answered a call on my personal phone and, even as we speak, 228 00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:21,240 are being paid for a job you have not started! 229 00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:23,760 I haven't included gender-profiling my unborn child 230 00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:25,440 just to give you the benefit of the doubt. 231 00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:27,680 I haven't said anything about your unborn kid. 232 00:10:27,680 --> 00:10:29,720 WHINEY VOICE: "What colour will the nursery be?" 233 00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:31,160 HE GASPS 234 00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:32,840 SHE SCOFFS 235 00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:38,520 What am I going to say to your mum? 236 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:41,760 Tell her I've gone to get my hair done. 237 00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:43,120 She'll like that. 238 00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:45,080 And do not tell her about my flight. 239 00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:47,320 Do you understand? 240 00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:48,960 SHE SCOFFS 241 00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:00,960 Oh. 242 00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:04,000 Fired her up a treat there, didn't you? 243 00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:05,920 All I did was make her a cup of tea and told her her mum 244 00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:07,960 was coming round. What are the rules here? 245 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:10,200 Her mum?! You jammy bastard. 246 00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:12,600 How'd you get two of them on the go? What?! 247 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:14,000 Mother and daughter. 248 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:17,400 Bit of sweet and sour on a Friday never did anyone any harm. 249 00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:19,040 Hey, she scrubs up all right 250 00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:23,040 for an old bird, you know. Like smoked pheasant. 251 00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:26,360 Gamey, but rich in flavour. 252 00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:28,440 SINISTER LAUGHTER 253 00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:30,000 I need to get into that hut. 254 00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:31,440 Oh, don't worry about that. 255 00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:34,840 No, you've got enough on your plate, you old horn bag. 256 00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:36,560 Save your energy. 257 00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:37,880 Can you go away? 258 00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:39,440 It was you that got me into all this shit. 259 00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:42,200 You're the one doing the mother-daughter double. 260 00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:43,920 Oh, is that going spare? 261 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:45,400 I'm not doing anyone. 262 00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:46,560 I need to work. 263 00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:50,560 Hey, what's all that about your wife being dead? 264 00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:53,040 Oh, well, I just said that in case I was in with a shout. 265 00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:54,440 I didn't bank on you coming round, 266 00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:57,520 going through the whole family like a threshing machine. 267 00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:01,280 Bloody hell, lad. Did you put salt in this? 268 00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:09,120 Argh! 269 00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:11,280 How's it possible to hate a door? 270 00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:29,800 Hello. 271 00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:31,520 Ah. Was it you I spoke to on the phone? 272 00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:33,160 Yes. She's not in at the moment. 273 00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:34,600 She's just popped out to have her hair done. 274 00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:36,320 Good God. What for? 275 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:38,560 She said you'd like it. 276 00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:41,280 Have you ever seen what childbirth does to a vagina? 277 00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:47,200 No. Mine looked like a pack of hyaenas had been at it. 278 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,000 What do you make of that? 279 00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:53,080 Look at me. 280 00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:55,560 Look at me. 281 00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:57,920 I said, what do you make of that? 282 00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:01,000 I don't like it. 283 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:03,080 No, I mean, the last thing I was concerned 284 00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:06,400 about when I was split asunder was how nice my hair looked. 285 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:09,120 But that's Lara for you. Warped priorities. 286 00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:12,320 Right. You crack on with the nursery, and I will go and make that 287 00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:14,520 kitchen fit for the arrival of a child. 288 00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:15,920 Chop, chop! 289 00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:23,240 Told you. Hot sex mutton. 290 00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:32,720 As I expected, the place is a petri dish of germs. 291 00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:35,280 The girl has no idea what's about to hit her. 292 00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:36,960 If you're taking a break from the nursery, 293 00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:38,400 you can help me here. 294 00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:41,000 No, sorry. I should have said, actually. 295 00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:42,840 I'm here to clean the shepherd's hut. 296 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:44,880 You're all wet. 297 00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:46,560 Oh, yeah. I had a little accident. 298 00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:49,040 Right. Get those clothes off. 299 00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:51,560 Oh, no, I don't think I should do that. 300 00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:54,360 Well, you're no good to me damp, man. We have things to do. 301 00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:56,840 We'll put those in the tumble dryer, then come up with a plan. 302 00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:58,320 No! Sorry. 303 00:13:58,320 --> 00:13:59,640 No. 304 00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:00,960 Absolutely not. 305 00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:03,680 Yes, bought some sperm, 306 00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:05,760 the way I'd throw a punnet of grapes in a trolley. 307 00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:08,960 I said to her, "Enjoy raising a serial killer's baby." 308 00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:12,360 Are my clothes dry yet? 309 00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:16,840 Oh, I mean, when I think of the life that girl could have had. 310 00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:19,320 Is it any wonder he tried to take his own life? 311 00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:21,920 Replaced by a science experiment. 312 00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:23,640 Who? Did she not tell you 313 00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:25,440 who the man in the shepherd's hut was? 314 00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:27,440 He was her ex-husband. 315 00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:29,440 No way! Who can blame him? 316 00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:32,200 I mean, what role have you boys got left? 317 00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:34,240 Being male is toxic these days. 318 00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:37,640 A man putting together a flat-pack wardrobe for a lady is the modern 319 00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:39,000 day equivalent of a flasher. 320 00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:41,040 And was flashing so terrible? 321 00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:43,960 I mean, if you want to show me your privates, go ahead. 322 00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:46,800 I'll pass judgment and we can both get on with our days. 323 00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:48,640 No, thank you. 324 00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:50,120 Look, can I go back to the hut? 325 00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:51,760 She really was quite adamant, you know. 326 00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:54,080 Oh, she always was. Always had an opinion. 327 00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:56,800 Caused chaos at her Brownie pack, insisting they should be allowed 328 00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:59,000 to wear trousers. Right. Well, that's good, isn't it? 329 00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:02,960 Is it? Is a nine-year-old girl going on hunger strike good? 330 00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:04,960 Yeah. OK. Fair point. 331 00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:08,520 Look, I know you're worried about her, but honestly, 332 00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:10,720 she really does seem very organised, you know? 333 00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:14,160 Do you think? That poor little mite. 334 00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:17,400 Not even a nursery to pop its little head down in. 335 00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:19,360 No, I think she's got it all worked out. 336 00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:22,000 I think when she gets back from Munich, she'll, um... 337 00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:26,960 Munich? 338 00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:30,760 Um... 339 00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:34,840 Please. Not my passport. 340 00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:37,360 She can't fly. She's 37 weeks pregnant. 341 00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:40,000 If you think I'm going to allow my granddaughter to be born mid-air 342 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:43,120 like a crow, you've got another think coming. 343 00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:46,480 I've googled this and they 100% use nests. 344 00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:49,640 What my daughter needs now is a man, so be a man. 345 00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:52,480 Do you really think it's a good idea jetting off to another country 346 00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:54,560 when the life you are bringing into the world doesn't even 347 00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:58,240 have a bed to lay in, let alone the hirsute arms and well-built body 348 00:15:58,240 --> 00:15:59,360 of a father? 349 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:01,480 You may have been made a eunuch by the woke brigade. 350 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:03,520 Some of us still have balls! 351 00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:07,920 Please! 352 00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:11,280 Wait! 353 00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:12,600 I'm scared of her! 354 00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:15,600 You're a bloody animal, lad! 355 00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:17,800 HE CHUCKLES 356 00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:19,120 Yeah?! 357 00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:23,040 Oh! 358 00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:29,600 Be a man. 359 00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:32,560 What is man? 360 00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:35,400 What would man do? 361 00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:39,920 MUSIC: The Blue Danube by Johann Strauss II 362 00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:20,680 Now, before you say anything, let me explain. 363 00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:24,640 I didn't do this because I thought you couldn't. 364 00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:26,080 Of course you could. 365 00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:28,560 I did this because I was here. 366 00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:34,520 I know, as I'm sure you know, no man or wu-man is an island. 367 00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:39,480 It takes a community to bring a life into the world. 368 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:45,200 Well, for me, it was just about being part of that community. 369 00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:47,840 Just for a little while. 370 00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:53,920 This isn't the nursery. 371 00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:57,160 Hmm? 372 00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:58,920 This is the laundry room. 373 00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:01,880 Why would I have the nursery so far from my bedroom... 374 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,440 ..in the laundry room? 375 00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:06,000 Yeah, that doesn't make sense at all, actually, does it? 376 00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:12,360 And what the fuck is that? 377 00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:16,360 It's a gender-neutral bear. 378 00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:20,120 I have a flight to catch in one hour, and now I have two 379 00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:21,560 rooms to paint. 380 00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:22,840 Thank you. 381 00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:25,760 And why are you wearing my dressing gown? 382 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,840 Huh? 383 00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:30,080 Look at me. 384 00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:33,120 Look at me. 385 00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:36,040 Why are you wearing my dressing gown? 386 00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:41,160 I got cold. 387 00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:52,160 I don't know where you get the energy from, lad. 388 00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:54,920 You must be gobbling vitamins like a hungry hippo. 389 00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:57,920 Get away from me, you twisted pervert! 390 00:18:57,920 --> 00:18:59,840 Oh, ey up, her comes your missus. 391 00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:02,560 She must have heard about you and her mum. Ooh! 392 00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:05,800 Where is it? 393 00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:08,000 Huh? My passport. Where is it? 394 00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:10,080 I haven't got it. Well, it's gone. 395 00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:12,480 And you're the only person who knows I'm flying. 396 00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:14,800 Look, I don't know anything about it, all right? 397 00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:16,640 I just want to get on with my job. 398 00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:18,720 Thought you'd make an executive decision, did you? 399 00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:20,040 Where is it? 400 00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:22,120 I've got no ideaaaa! 401 00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:23,720 Yeah! 402 00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:28,480 The strength! 403 00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:30,240 It's unholy. 404 00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:34,400 On...your...knees. 405 00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:36,240 Argh! Yeah! 406 00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:39,320 My passport! 407 00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:41,360 Where is it?! 408 00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:42,960 I haven't got it. 409 00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:44,800 HE WAILS 410 00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:47,040 It's your mum. 411 00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:48,440 She took it. 412 00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:52,320 I told her about the flight. You did what? 413 00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:56,520 I know about your ex. She told me. 414 00:19:58,120 --> 00:19:59,400 It's a lot for you to take on. 415 00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:01,960 It wasn't your fault. 416 00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:04,600 I think he was just overwhelmed. 417 00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:06,920 I think he just wanted to be a father. 418 00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:08,240 That's what she told you? 419 00:20:09,360 --> 00:20:11,400 He's a loser. 420 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:12,960 But he tried to take his own life. 421 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:14,840 He didn't try to take his life. 422 00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:18,160 He just turned up pissed - as usual. 423 00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:19,560 We split up ten years ago. 424 00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:21,760 He just took a bottle of whisky to the shepherd's hut 425 00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:23,040 and locked himself in. 426 00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:25,200 It is typical of my mum to romanticise things 427 00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:27,680 and, it seems, you to believe it. 428 00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:30,480 Yeah. I've had a bad run of judgment lately, I'll admit that. 429 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:33,640 I'm going to pack. Clean...my...hut. 430 00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:37,200 I can't get in! 431 00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:41,520 For fuck's sake! 432 00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:44,720 Bloody hell! 433 00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:46,320 There's a knack to it. 434 00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:52,800 Seriously? 435 00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:56,320 FLIES BUZZ 436 00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:57,720 Oh, my God. 437 00:20:57,720 --> 00:20:59,040 What? 438 00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:00,440 HE RETCHES 439 00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:03,160 It's just it's so much worse than he said it was. 440 00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:06,880 I clean up blood and guts every day, but I just... 441 00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:08,560 I can't stand... 442 00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:09,920 Honk and plop? 443 00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:11,360 So it is a phrase. 444 00:21:12,360 --> 00:21:13,560 HE RETCHES 445 00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:14,920 Pass me the mop. 446 00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:18,080 Oh, no. I couldn't let you. Just give it to me. 447 00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:19,720 HE RETCHES 448 00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:30,480 # A clean-up woman 449 00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:33,280 # Is a woman who 450 00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:36,480 # Gets all the love we girls leave behind 451 00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:43,680 # The reason I know so much about her 452 00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:48,600 # Is because she picked up a man of mine 453 00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:51,920 # I took this man's love and put it on a shelf... # 454 00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:53,960 Good. OK. Now, what you need to be... 455 00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:57,400 # And like a fool I thought I had him all to myself 456 00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:04,400 # When he needed love I was out having fun 457 00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:10,160 # But I found out that all I had done 458 00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:12,520 # Was made it easy 459 00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:14,320 # For the clean-up woman... # 460 00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:15,880 Sorry. 461 00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:18,640 He'd have been really impressed if it was blood. 462 00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:20,960 Not bad. Thank you. 463 00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:53,800 Oh! 464 00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:57,640 Now what? 465 00:22:57,640 --> 00:22:59,160 I'm going to miss my bloody flight. 466 00:23:00,560 --> 00:23:02,520 I'm amazed your gardener hasn't popped up yet. 467 00:23:02,520 --> 00:23:03,880 He'll have gone home. 468 00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:06,120 He's not been himself since his wife passed. 469 00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:08,280 He seemed devastated. 470 00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:10,200 He really was. 471 00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:11,720 Well, there you go. 472 00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:14,880 You can never meet a partner. Or you can meet one and they die. 473 00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:17,040 Either way, you're on your own. 474 00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:19,320 Bloody hell. Cheer up. 475 00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:22,080 If it's that bleak, why are you having a kid anyway? 476 00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:24,240 Mainly because I've had a good time. 477 00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:25,880 I've picked rubbish men. 478 00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:29,800 But I've really enjoyed knocking about on this planet. 479 00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:32,480 I thought I might be a good coach to a little one. 480 00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:34,560 You really will be. 481 00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:36,160 Not that you asked my opinion. 482 00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:39,600 But, come on. 483 00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:43,560 I mean, partner or not, no-one can do it all by themselves, can they? 484 00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:45,160 Oh, you might be right. 485 00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:48,520 But you and I have a bigger problem on our hands right now. 486 00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:49,600 Hey? 487 00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:52,160 My waters have broken. 488 00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:54,720 Oh, fuck. 489 00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:57,520 I thought you said you'd be OK with blood. Oh, f... 490 00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:00,640 Sh! 491 00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:03,800 I can't fit through there! 492 00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:06,240 No. 493 00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:08,480 You can't. And nor can you. 494 00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:12,120 If a crow can give birth mid-air, or in a nest, I can get 495 00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:14,560 through that skylight. Enough about crows. 496 00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:17,120 A man with your belly cannot fit through that skylight. 497 00:24:17,120 --> 00:24:19,680 What do you think I do at the beach? 498 00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:21,120 HE INHALES DEEPLY 499 00:24:21,120 --> 00:24:22,640 I hold it in. 500 00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:25,040 SHE SCREAMS 501 00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:28,280 Yeah! 502 00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:36,320 HE GROANS 503 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,480 HE SCREAMS 504 00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:44,960 HE SCREAMS 505 00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:48,800 SHE SCREAMS 506 00:24:58,280 --> 00:24:59,960 Ah! 507 00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:06,720 SHE SCREAMS 508 00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:15,840 I'm free! 509 00:25:16,840 --> 00:25:18,400 I'm a man! 510 00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:21,200 Get stuck in there, lad. 511 00:25:24,640 --> 00:25:28,840 Don't worry. We can do this...together. 512 00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:30,040 I've had it. 513 00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:33,720 Hey? The baby. I've had it. 514 00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:35,360 BABY CRIES 515 00:25:35,360 --> 00:25:37,200 Oh, yeah! 516 00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:39,880 Ah! Well done. 517 00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:41,400 Help me, then! 518 00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:42,800 Yes. 519 00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:53,040 BABY COOS 520 00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:56,320 That is safe? 521 00:25:58,640 --> 00:25:59,960 It's water. 522 00:25:59,960 --> 00:26:02,920 I do know what I'm doing sometimes, you know. 523 00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:04,320 Come on, you. 524 00:26:07,280 --> 00:26:09,080 We're going to be OK, aren't we? 525 00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:12,520 Of course you are. 526 00:26:12,520 --> 00:26:14,200 I was talking to the baby. Yeah. 527 00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:18,400 We're going to sleep in the nursery tonight... 528 00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:19,720 ..with the gender-neutral bear. 529 00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:22,280 Are you? 530 00:26:22,280 --> 00:26:23,480 Are we fuck?! 531 00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:27,120 Darling?! 532 00:26:27,120 --> 00:26:29,600 I rang her. Wrestle me if you want. 533 00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:33,840 Oh. Oh! 534 00:26:33,840 --> 00:26:36,480 Oh, darling, she's beautiful! 535 00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:38,960 He, Mum. HE'S beautiful. 536 00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:41,880 Have you fed him yet? Oh, that's not how you hold him. 537 00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:44,640 Come here. Let Nanny show you. 538 00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:46,200 I'm managing. 539 00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:48,760 And you did it all without gas and air. 540 00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:50,200 Oh, was it very painful? 541 00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:53,080 Horrendous. That's my girl! 542 00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:54,320 Ooh! 543 00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:02,640 Hey, talk me through it, then. 544 00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:04,280 Bet you had a right eyeful. 545 00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:11,800 Oh, hello, love. 546 00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:14,600 What are you doing here? Looking for you. 547 00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:16,840 I didn't want to just leave you a note. 548 00:27:16,840 --> 00:27:18,120 I'm leaving you. 549 00:27:18,120 --> 00:27:19,160 What? 550 00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:20,720 No. Y-y-you can't. 551 00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:22,800 I'm sorry. It's nothing personal. 552 00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:27,680 Donald, I have needs. 553 00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:30,240 It's not your fault you can't... 554 00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:33,720 But I have needs! 555 00:27:38,840 --> 00:27:40,600 Damn you, little Donald! 556 00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:45,640 Damn you!!! 557 00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:58,160 Do you wish we'd had kids? 558 00:27:58,160 --> 00:27:59,440 Hmm? 559 00:27:59,440 --> 00:28:01,440 Do you wish you and me had had kids? 560 00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:04,880 No. One's enough, babe. 561 00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:10,320 Yeah. 562 00:28:10,320 --> 00:28:12,280 Too much honk and plop, innit?