1
00:00:26,381 --> 00:00:27,661
VAN DOOR SHUTS

2
00:00:35,981 --> 00:00:37,181
All right?

3
00:00:41,661 --> 00:00:42,781
You're a big lad.

4
00:00:43,781 --> 00:00:44,981
Thank you?

5
00:00:46,021 --> 00:00:48,341
What are you up to?
I'm here to clean.

6
00:00:48,341 --> 00:00:49,701
Come on, be serious.

7
00:00:49,701 --> 00:00:51,541
I'm a crime scene cleaner.

8
00:00:51,541 --> 00:00:53,261
Crime scene?

9
00:00:53,261 --> 00:00:55,901
Oh, for the, uh, shepherd's hut.

10
00:00:55,901 --> 00:00:57,901
Some poor lad tried to do
himself in.

11
00:00:57,901 --> 00:01:01,021
Oh, no! It wasn't a shotgun, was it?

12
00:01:01,021 --> 00:01:02,981
Not being insensitive, you know,
but they're a bit

13
00:01:02,981 --> 00:01:05,301
"Pfff! Pfff! Speurgh!"

14
00:01:05,301 --> 00:01:07,381
You know. Messy.

15
00:01:07,381 --> 00:01:09,901
I think it was pills.
Yeah, he's all right.

16
00:01:09,901 --> 00:01:11,461
He's in the hospital now,
apparently.

17
00:01:11,461 --> 00:01:13,381
But, uh, it's a right old mess in
there.

18
00:01:14,341 --> 00:01:15,541
Honk and plop.

19
00:01:16,621 --> 00:01:19,861
Honk and plop?  Honk and plop all
over the shop.

20
00:01:19,861 --> 00:01:21,821
It's like a bloody pig pen.

21
00:01:21,821 --> 00:01:23,701
Well, I'm a blood spatter
specialist.

22
00:01:23,701 --> 00:01:26,261
I don't get called out for honk
and plop. By the way,

23
00:01:26,261 --> 00:01:28,021
"honk and plop" is not a phrase.

24
00:01:28,021 --> 00:01:29,341
Well, you'd better get to work.

25
00:01:29,341 --> 00:01:31,541
She wants it rented out
at all times.

26
00:01:32,741 --> 00:01:33,901
Have you, uh...

27
00:01:35,221 --> 00:01:37,301
Have you seen her yet?

28
00:01:37,301 --> 00:01:40,221
Who?  Lara. The owner.

29
00:01:40,221 --> 00:01:41,541
What do you mean?

30
00:01:41,541 --> 00:01:45,101
She is a prime slice of marbled
totty.  Right.

31
00:01:45,101 --> 00:01:48,261
Nice, is she?  Oh, the curves on her.

32
00:01:48,261 --> 00:01:51,661
She's like Jessica Rabbit,
but not a rabbit.

33
00:01:51,661 --> 00:01:53,181
She's like...

34
00:01:54,581 --> 00:01:56,101
..the Cadbury's rabbit.

35
00:01:56,101 --> 00:01:59,301
Is she a rabbit?  No, but I bet
she bloody goes like one.

36
00:01:59,301 --> 00:02:01,941
She has got the lot - face,

37
00:02:01,941 --> 00:02:04,981
boobies, and a bum like a peach

38
00:02:04,981 --> 00:02:08,101
plucked from the branch in Provence.

39
00:02:08,101 --> 00:02:11,901
A ripe peach. Overripe,
if anything. Messy...

40
00:02:11,901 --> 00:02:14,421
All right. OK, I get it.
She's a messy rabbit.

41
00:02:14,421 --> 00:02:16,581
She's a messy rabbit, all right!

42
00:02:16,581 --> 00:02:18,581
I'm telling you, if I got
the green light,

43
00:02:18,581 --> 00:02:20,981
I'd be at her like a bloody sewing
machine.

44
00:02:20,981 --> 00:02:22,381
Ooh, yeah.

45
00:02:22,381 --> 00:02:24,061
Ooh! Ooh!

46
00:02:25,901 --> 00:02:28,021
Hey. Hey!

47
00:02:28,021 --> 00:02:29,861
Hey. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

48
00:02:29,861 --> 00:02:32,181
I heard you the first time.
She's a messy rabbit.

49
00:02:32,181 --> 00:02:33,421
Who's a messy rabbit?

50
00:02:34,541 --> 00:02:36,341
Oh. No, sorry.

51
00:02:36,341 --> 00:02:38,501
He was just saying that, um...

52
00:02:38,501 --> 00:02:40,341
Hee-hee, hee-hee, hee-hee!

53
00:02:41,861 --> 00:02:43,181
Sorry. I'm looking for the owner.

54
00:02:43,181 --> 00:02:46,181
I'm the owner.
No, but you're, um...

55
00:02:46,181 --> 00:02:49,701
Are you? It's just he said you
were, but you're...

56
00:02:49,701 --> 00:02:51,141
Are you trying to say pregnant?

57
00:02:51,141 --> 00:02:53,981
Yes, you are.  Obviously!

58
00:02:53,981 --> 00:02:55,621
One doesn't like to assume.

59
00:02:55,621 --> 00:02:57,821
You thought I might just be fat?
You're not fat.

60
00:02:57,821 --> 00:03:00,581
No, I'm...  Yes. With child.

61
00:03:00,581 --> 00:03:04,181
I didn't ride to a stable
on a fucking donkey.

62
00:03:04,181 --> 00:03:06,501
Do you struggle with the word
"pregnant"?  No.

63
00:03:06,501 --> 00:03:08,381
Say it, then.  Preg-nont?

64
00:03:08,381 --> 00:03:11,541
Oh.  Oh. Fair play. That did sound
weird.

65
00:03:11,541 --> 00:03:13,141
The shepherd's hut's over there.

66
00:03:13,141 --> 00:03:14,701
I need it cleaned by tonight.

67
00:03:15,821 --> 00:03:17,501
Do you need anything?

68
00:03:17,501 --> 00:03:19,901
I'll have a cuppa if you're
offering.  I'm not.  Oh.  Too busy.

69
00:03:19,901 --> 00:03:21,141
OK.

70
00:03:22,261 --> 00:03:24,101
I haven't been over yet.
Is it messy rabbit?

71
00:03:24,101 --> 00:03:25,901
Is it messy?

72
00:03:25,901 --> 00:03:29,101
Well, it needs cleaning.
But you're a cleaner, aren't you?

73
00:03:30,141 --> 00:03:32,341
Crime scene cleaner.  So a cleaner.

74
00:03:33,661 --> 00:03:35,941
How is he? The guy in hospital.

75
00:03:35,941 --> 00:03:37,741
How should I know?!

76
00:03:37,741 --> 00:03:39,221
5pm, please.

77
00:04:06,181 --> 00:04:07,661
Cake?  Huh?

78
00:04:07,661 --> 00:04:09,581
The missus made it, so it's probably
poisoned.

79
00:04:09,581 --> 00:04:12,181
You made a swift exit.
I told you, didn't I?

80
00:04:12,181 --> 00:04:13,781
What a filly, eh?

81
00:04:13,781 --> 00:04:15,741
Bold as brass and twice as bouncy.

82
00:04:15,741 --> 00:04:17,981
Why didn't you tell me
she was preg-nont? Pregnant.

83
00:04:17,981 --> 00:04:20,981
Hey. Absolute fun house, though,
isn't she?

84
00:04:20,981 --> 00:04:24,821
I don't know. I don't think she
liked me. She was quite cold.

85
00:04:24,821 --> 00:04:26,061
I know.

86
00:04:26,061 --> 00:04:28,221
That's what drives me crazy.

87
00:04:28,221 --> 00:04:31,261
I sometimes mow the lawn
badly on purpose.

88
00:04:31,261 --> 00:04:34,581
Little does she know, while
she's giving me that disapproving

89
00:04:34,581 --> 00:04:37,981
look, I'm like a bloody pine tree
downstairs.

90
00:04:37,981 --> 00:04:39,581
I've got two heavy baubles.

91
00:04:39,581 --> 00:04:41,901
Tinsel weaving...  Enough.

92
00:04:41,901 --> 00:04:44,021
Have a bit of respect.
The woman's having a baby.

93
00:04:45,301 --> 00:04:47,341
Don't worry. She's single.

94
00:04:47,341 --> 00:04:48,901
You can still get in there.

95
00:04:48,901 --> 00:04:52,581
I don't want to get in anywhere,
apart from in this shepherd's hut.

96
00:04:52,581 --> 00:04:54,061
I think she's given me
the wrong key.

97
00:04:54,061 --> 00:04:57,261
It sounds daft, but I'm a bit scared
to tell her I can't get in.

98
00:04:57,261 --> 00:04:59,061
Oh, pull yourself together, lad.

99
00:04:59,061 --> 00:05:01,701
I'll tell her I need some water,
and then I'll have a look for a key

100
00:05:01,701 --> 00:05:03,461
when I'm in there.  Uh!

101
00:05:04,461 --> 00:05:07,221
Hey. She didn't even have a bloke,
you know.

102
00:05:07,221 --> 00:05:09,141
Turkey baster job.

103
00:05:09,141 --> 00:05:11,381
What?  Well, she's knocking on, isn't
she?

104
00:05:11,381 --> 00:05:15,261
She wanted a little 'un, so she got
hold of some special boy sauce

105
00:05:15,261 --> 00:05:16,541
and...
HE SLURPS

106
00:05:16,541 --> 00:05:18,021
"Beep, beep!

107
00:05:18,021 --> 00:05:20,261
Lucky baster, I say.

108
00:05:20,261 --> 00:05:23,101
My God, what I wouldn't do
to have half an hour with my socks

109
00:05:23,101 --> 00:05:24,621
off bouncing around that castle.

110
00:05:24,621 --> 00:05:27,461
Do you ever do any gardening,
or are you too busy just writing

111
00:05:27,461 --> 00:05:29,221
in to Razzles' readers' wives
section?

112
00:05:29,221 --> 00:05:30,821
Come on, big lad.

113
00:05:30,821 --> 00:05:32,741
She's ripe for the taking.

114
00:05:32,741 --> 00:05:34,341
Too old to have a bun in the oven.

115
00:05:34,341 --> 00:05:35,861
She'll consider owt.

116
00:05:35,861 --> 00:05:39,381
You're not an ugly lad.
From the right angle.

117
00:05:39,381 --> 00:05:41,421
It's none of my business
what she does. All right?

118
00:05:41,421 --> 00:05:44,101
And I don't want to star
in your rural Carry On film

119
00:05:44,101 --> 00:05:46,101
about some woman who's had to use
a turkey baster

120
00:05:46,101 --> 00:05:47,861
because she's too old to be a mum.

121
00:05:47,861 --> 00:05:49,501
I what?!

122
00:05:49,501 --> 00:05:51,381
Oh. No.

123
00:05:51,381 --> 00:05:54,341
He was just because of the, um...

124
00:05:54,341 --> 00:05:55,661
Because...

125
00:05:55,661 --> 00:05:56,901
HE HISSES

126
00:05:56,901 --> 00:05:58,061
The...

127
00:06:02,461 --> 00:06:04,901
Johannes, you are incompetent.

128
00:06:04,901 --> 00:06:07,381
No. You had your chance
to reassure them.

129
00:06:07,381 --> 00:06:09,821
Now I am going to have to go
to Munich in person.

130
00:06:11,021 --> 00:06:12,701
No, I don't want you to go.

131
00:06:12,701 --> 00:06:14,781
I want you to charter me a jet.

132
00:06:14,781 --> 00:06:16,541
Can you manage that?

133
00:06:16,541 --> 00:06:17,861
Careful. There's a knack to...

134
00:06:17,861 --> 00:06:20,141
Hey! Hey! Hey!

135
00:06:21,781 --> 00:06:23,021
Hey, hey, hey!

136
00:06:23,021 --> 00:06:25,701
We'll talk about this in your
review.  Hey!

137
00:06:27,661 --> 00:06:29,221
WATER DRAINS

138
00:06:30,381 --> 00:06:31,781
Did you get your water OK?

139
00:06:31,781 --> 00:06:33,421
There's something wrong with your
plumbing.

140
00:06:33,421 --> 00:06:35,541
Well, I mean, not your plumbing,
obviously.

141
00:06:35,541 --> 00:06:37,301
That's fine.

142
00:06:37,301 --> 00:06:39,261
And we're back on my pregnancy
again.

143
00:06:39,261 --> 00:06:42,061
Yes, and on that,

144
00:06:42,061 --> 00:06:44,861
I did not say that out there.
That was your gardener.

145
00:06:44,861 --> 00:06:48,501
So...  Donald is mourning the death
of his wife of 40 years.

146
00:06:48,501 --> 00:06:50,741
Is he?  Yes. He tends to be

147
00:06:50,741 --> 00:06:52,621
fighting back tears most
of the time.

148
00:06:52,621 --> 00:06:56,141
So perhaps rather than using
an old man's pain as an excuse

149
00:06:56,141 --> 00:06:57,501
for your opinions, you should...

150
00:06:57,501 --> 00:06:59,541
I don't think
you're too old to be a mum.

151
00:06:59,541 --> 00:07:02,661
Don't you?  No! I like old mums.

152
00:07:02,661 --> 00:07:04,621
Old... OLDER mums.

153
00:07:04,621 --> 00:07:07,661
Nice. Nice mature mummies.

154
00:07:07,661 --> 00:07:09,861
That's wrong. That sounds like one
of Weasel's films.

155
00:07:09,861 --> 00:07:12,181
He shouldn't sell them
down the market. They're illegal.

156
00:07:12,181 --> 00:07:14,021
I have a flight to pack for.

157
00:07:14,021 --> 00:07:15,141
You have your water.

158
00:07:16,221 --> 00:07:18,421
Hang on. You can't fly.

159
00:07:18,421 --> 00:07:19,661
Why shouldn't I?

160
00:07:19,661 --> 00:07:22,341
You don't want to give birth
mid-air like a crow, do you?

161
00:07:22,341 --> 00:07:24,581
Is that it? Nah, it'd be nests,
would it?

162
00:07:26,421 --> 00:07:28,101
My God.

163
00:07:28,101 --> 00:07:30,501
Oh. A van in your drive.

164
00:07:30,501 --> 00:07:33,461
Yes. It's paint for the nursery.
Decorators.

165
00:07:33,461 --> 00:07:35,661
No, it's a delivery.

166
00:07:35,661 --> 00:07:37,421
I'm painting my nursery.

167
00:07:37,421 --> 00:07:39,821
Are you?!  Yes. I'm pregnant.

168
00:07:39,821 --> 00:07:41,101
I'm not ill.

169
00:07:42,261 --> 00:07:44,461
Nice. What colour are you going for?

170
00:07:45,901 --> 00:07:47,661
Oh.

171
00:07:47,661 --> 00:07:48,941
I see.

172
00:07:54,221 --> 00:07:56,181
Oh, the...the key?

173
00:08:08,141 --> 00:08:10,461
PHONE BUZZES

174
00:08:16,781 --> 00:08:18,701
Um...

175
00:08:18,701 --> 00:08:19,981
Your phone is...

176
00:08:21,061 --> 00:08:22,941
Sorry, your-your phone's going.

177
00:08:24,381 --> 00:08:26,421
Hello?  Lara.

178
00:08:26,421 --> 00:08:29,141
Oh, no. Sorry.
She's not here at the moment.

179
00:08:29,141 --> 00:08:32,021
Who's that?  Oh, I'm just doing a
little bit of work here.  Right.

180
00:08:32,021 --> 00:08:33,981
I've heard about this dreadful
business in the shepherd's hut.

181
00:08:33,981 --> 00:08:35,101
How is she?

182
00:08:35,101 --> 00:08:36,781
She seems fine.  Well, she's not.

183
00:08:36,781 --> 00:08:39,221
She's in shock, and in her
condition that is very serious.

184
00:08:39,221 --> 00:08:40,461
Hot, sweet tea.

185
00:08:41,461 --> 00:08:43,901
Sorry?  Make her a cup of hot, sweet
tea.

186
00:08:43,901 --> 00:08:45,461
I will be over shortly.

187
00:08:45,461 --> 00:08:46,941
Oh, no.

188
00:08:46,941 --> 00:08:49,301
Listen, I don't think
I should do that.

189
00:08:49,301 --> 00:08:51,901
You boys will never have to endure
the horrors of childbirth.

190
00:08:51,901 --> 00:08:54,461
And that is as nature intended.
But your role is vital.

191
00:08:54,461 --> 00:08:56,741
If I arrive at that house
and my daughter is not sitting

192
00:08:56,741 --> 00:08:59,501
in a chair with a cup of hot,
sweet tea, I shall

193
00:08:59,501 --> 00:09:01,301
be extremely disappointed.

194
00:09:01,301 --> 00:09:03,221
Tell her Mummy is coming.

195
00:09:03,221 --> 00:09:04,621
Yeah, but...

196
00:09:04,621 --> 00:09:06,421
LINE GOES DEAD

197
00:09:08,061 --> 00:09:09,421
WHISPERS: Mummy's coming.

198
00:09:16,701 --> 00:09:18,501
Tea break, is it? What the fuck?

199
00:09:18,501 --> 00:09:19,621
Oh.

200
00:09:19,621 --> 00:09:21,301
HE LAUGHS

201
00:09:21,301 --> 00:09:23,501
Sorry. No, this is for you.
Hot, sweet tea.

202
00:09:23,501 --> 00:09:25,261
I don't want a tea.  Really?

203
00:09:25,261 --> 00:09:28,261
She was quite insistent.
Who was?  Your mum.

204
00:09:28,261 --> 00:09:31,101
My mum's here?  No, I just spoke
to her on the phone.

205
00:09:31,101 --> 00:09:32,461
What, you answered my phone?

206
00:09:32,461 --> 00:09:34,141
Why would you answer my phone?

207
00:09:34,141 --> 00:09:36,821
Oh, well, you weren't around.
And...

208
00:09:36,821 --> 00:09:38,381
Anyway, she's coming over.

209
00:09:38,381 --> 00:09:40,981
I don't want her to come over.
I'm going out.

210
00:09:40,981 --> 00:09:42,741
I could call her back.  No.

211
00:09:42,741 --> 00:09:44,821
I want you to clean my
shepherd's hut.

212
00:09:44,821 --> 00:09:46,381
Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.

213
00:09:46,381 --> 00:09:48,061
I'm not upset. I'm angry.

214
00:09:48,061 --> 00:09:50,101
You do understand the difference.

215
00:09:50,101 --> 00:09:51,541
Yes.

216
00:09:51,541 --> 00:09:53,421
Now...

217
00:09:53,421 --> 00:09:55,581
..you listen to me.

218
00:09:55,581 --> 00:09:57,221
No.

219
00:09:57,221 --> 00:09:58,341
Sorry.

220
00:09:58,341 --> 00:10:00,821
I thought we were playing
Belly, Belly, Poke, Poke.

221
00:10:00,821 --> 00:10:03,541
Since you've been here,
you have inappropriately commented

222
00:10:03,541 --> 00:10:07,861
on my looks, age, fertility
and means of conception.

223
00:10:07,861 --> 00:10:10,821
You've interfered in my travel
plans, made judgments about them,

224
00:10:10,821 --> 00:10:14,101
and patronised me by doing jobs
you were not asked to do.

225
00:10:14,101 --> 00:10:16,541
You've helped yourself to the
contents of my kitchen cupboards,

226
00:10:16,541 --> 00:10:18,941
answered a call on my personal
phone and, even as we speak,

227
00:10:18,941 --> 00:10:21,261
are being paid for a job
you have not started!

228
00:10:21,261 --> 00:10:23,781
I haven't included
gender-profiling my unborn child

229
00:10:23,781 --> 00:10:25,461
just to give you the benefit
of the doubt.

230
00:10:25,461 --> 00:10:27,701
I haven't said anything
about your unborn kid.

231
00:10:27,701 --> 00:10:29,741
WHINEY VOICE: "What colour will the
nursery be?"

232
00:10:29,741 --> 00:10:31,181
HE GASPS

233
00:10:31,181 --> 00:10:32,861
SHE SCOFFS

234
00:10:37,101 --> 00:10:38,541
What am I going to say to your mum?

235
00:10:39,861 --> 00:10:41,781
Tell her I've gone to get my hair
done.

236
00:10:41,781 --> 00:10:43,141
She'll like that.

237
00:10:43,141 --> 00:10:45,101
And do not tell her about my flight.

238
00:10:45,101 --> 00:10:47,341
Do you understand?

239
00:10:47,341 --> 00:10:48,981
SHE SCOFFS

240
00:10:59,901 --> 00:11:00,981
Oh.

241
00:11:00,981 --> 00:11:04,021
Fired her up a treat there,
didn't you?

242
00:11:04,021 --> 00:11:05,941
All I did was make her a cup
of tea and told her her mum

243
00:11:05,941 --> 00:11:07,981
was coming round.
What are the rules here?

244
00:11:07,981 --> 00:11:10,221
Her mum?! You jammy bastard.

245
00:11:10,221 --> 00:11:12,621
How'd you get two of them
on the go?  What?!

246
00:11:12,621 --> 00:11:14,021
Mother and daughter.

247
00:11:14,021 --> 00:11:17,421
Bit of sweet and sour on a
Friday never did anyone any harm.

248
00:11:17,421 --> 00:11:19,061
Hey, she scrubs up all right

249
00:11:19,061 --> 00:11:23,061
for an old bird, you know.
Like smoked pheasant.

250
00:11:23,061 --> 00:11:26,381
Gamey, but rich in flavour.

251
00:11:26,381 --> 00:11:28,461
SINISTER LAUGHTER

252
00:11:28,461 --> 00:11:30,021
I need to get into that hut.

253
00:11:30,021 --> 00:11:31,461
Oh, don't worry about that.

254
00:11:31,461 --> 00:11:34,861
No, you've got enough on your plate,
you old horn bag.

255
00:11:34,861 --> 00:11:36,581
Save your energy.

256
00:11:36,581 --> 00:11:37,901
Can you go away?

257
00:11:37,901 --> 00:11:39,461
It was you that got me into
all this shit.

258
00:11:39,461 --> 00:11:42,221
You're the one doing the
mother-daughter double.

259
00:11:42,221 --> 00:11:43,941
Oh, is that going spare?

260
00:11:43,941 --> 00:11:45,421
I'm not doing anyone.

261
00:11:45,421 --> 00:11:46,581
I need to work.

262
00:11:47,861 --> 00:11:50,581
Hey, what's all that about your wife
being dead?

263
00:11:50,581 --> 00:11:53,061
Oh, well, I just said that in case
I was in with a shout.

264
00:11:53,061 --> 00:11:54,461
I didn't bank on you coming round,

265
00:11:54,461 --> 00:11:57,541
going through the whole family
like a threshing machine.

266
00:11:58,941 --> 00:12:01,301
Bloody hell, lad. Did you put salt
in this?

267
00:12:07,981 --> 00:12:09,141
Argh!

268
00:12:09,141 --> 00:12:11,301
How's it possible to hate a door?

269
00:12:28,261 --> 00:12:29,821
Hello.

270
00:12:29,821 --> 00:12:31,541
Ah. Was it you I spoke to on the
phone?

271
00:12:31,541 --> 00:12:33,181
Yes. She's not in at the moment.

272
00:12:33,181 --> 00:12:34,621
She's just popped
out to have her hair done.

273
00:12:34,621 --> 00:12:36,341
Good God. What for?

274
00:12:36,341 --> 00:12:38,581
She said you'd like it.

275
00:12:38,581 --> 00:12:41,301
Have you ever seen what childbirth
does to a vagina?

276
00:12:43,821 --> 00:12:47,221
No.  Mine looked like a pack
of hyaenas had been at it.

277
00:12:47,221 --> 00:12:49,021
What do you make of that?

278
00:12:51,941 --> 00:12:53,101
Look at me.

279
00:12:54,101 --> 00:12:55,581
Look at me.

280
00:12:55,581 --> 00:12:57,941
I said, what do you make of that?

281
00:12:59,941 --> 00:13:01,021
I don't like it.

282
00:13:01,021 --> 00:13:03,101
No, I mean, the last thing
I was concerned

283
00:13:03,101 --> 00:13:06,421
about when I was split asunder
was how nice my hair looked.

284
00:13:06,421 --> 00:13:09,141
But that's Lara for you.
Warped priorities.

285
00:13:09,141 --> 00:13:12,341
Right. You crack on with the
nursery, and I will go and make that

286
00:13:12,341 --> 00:13:14,541
kitchen fit for the arrival of
a child.

287
00:13:14,541 --> 00:13:15,941
Chop, chop!

288
00:13:20,661 --> 00:13:23,261
Told you. Hot sex mutton.

289
00:13:29,541 --> 00:13:32,741
As I expected, the place
is a petri dish of germs.

290
00:13:32,741 --> 00:13:35,301
The girl has no idea what's
about to hit her.

291
00:13:35,301 --> 00:13:36,981
If you're taking a break
from the nursery,

292
00:13:36,981 --> 00:13:38,421
you can help me here.

293
00:13:38,421 --> 00:13:41,021
No, sorry. I should have said,
actually.

294
00:13:41,021 --> 00:13:42,861
I'm here to clean
the shepherd's hut.

295
00:13:42,861 --> 00:13:44,901
You're all wet.

296
00:13:44,901 --> 00:13:46,581
Oh, yeah. I had a little accident.

297
00:13:46,581 --> 00:13:49,061
Right. Get those clothes off.

298
00:13:49,061 --> 00:13:51,581
Oh, no, I don't think
I should do that.

299
00:13:51,581 --> 00:13:54,381
Well, you're no good to me damp,
man. We have things to do.

300
00:13:54,381 --> 00:13:56,861
We'll put those in the tumble dryer,
then come up with a plan.

301
00:13:56,861 --> 00:13:58,341
No! Sorry.

302
00:13:58,341 --> 00:13:59,661
No.

303
00:13:59,661 --> 00:14:00,981
Absolutely not.

304
00:14:02,021 --> 00:14:03,701
Yes, bought some sperm,

305
00:14:03,701 --> 00:14:05,781
the way I'd throw a punnet of grapes
in a trolley.

306
00:14:05,781 --> 00:14:08,981
I said to her, "Enjoy raising
a serial killer's baby."

307
00:14:10,701 --> 00:14:12,381
Are my clothes dry yet?

308
00:14:12,381 --> 00:14:16,861
Oh, I mean, when I think of the life
that girl could have had.

309
00:14:16,861 --> 00:14:19,341
Is it any wonder he tried
to take his own life?

310
00:14:19,341 --> 00:14:21,941
Replaced by a science experiment.

311
00:14:21,941 --> 00:14:23,661
Who?  Did she not tell you

312
00:14:23,661 --> 00:14:25,461
who the man in the shepherd's
hut was?

313
00:14:25,461 --> 00:14:27,461
He was her ex-husband.

314
00:14:27,461 --> 00:14:29,461
No way!  Who can blame him?

315
00:14:29,461 --> 00:14:32,221
I mean, what role have you boys
got left?

316
00:14:32,221 --> 00:14:34,261
Being male is toxic these days.

317
00:14:34,261 --> 00:14:37,661
A man putting together a flat-pack
wardrobe for a lady is the modern

318
00:14:37,661 --> 00:14:39,021
day equivalent of a flasher.

319
00:14:39,021 --> 00:14:41,061
And was flashing so terrible?

320
00:14:41,061 --> 00:14:43,981
I mean, if you want to show me
your privates, go ahead.

321
00:14:43,981 --> 00:14:46,821
I'll pass judgment and we can both
get on with our days.

322
00:14:46,821 --> 00:14:48,661
No, thank you.

323
00:14:48,661 --> 00:14:50,141
Look, can I go back to the hut?

324
00:14:50,141 --> 00:14:51,781
She really was quite adamant,
you know.

325
00:14:51,781 --> 00:14:54,101
Oh, she always was.
Always had an opinion.

326
00:14:54,101 --> 00:14:56,821
Caused chaos at her Brownie pack,
insisting they should be allowed

327
00:14:56,821 --> 00:14:59,021
to wear trousers.  Right.
Well, that's good, isn't it?

328
00:14:59,021 --> 00:15:02,981
Is it? Is a nine-year-old girl
going on hunger strike good?

329
00:15:02,981 --> 00:15:04,981
Yeah. OK. Fair point.

330
00:15:06,061 --> 00:15:08,541
Look, I know you're worried
about her, but honestly,

331
00:15:08,541 --> 00:15:10,741
she really does seem
very organised, you know?

332
00:15:10,741 --> 00:15:14,181
Do you think? That poor little mite.

333
00:15:14,181 --> 00:15:17,421
Not even a nursery to pop
its little head down in.

334
00:15:17,421 --> 00:15:19,381
No, I think she's got it
all worked out.

335
00:15:19,381 --> 00:15:22,021
I think when she gets back
from Munich, she'll, um...

336
00:15:25,581 --> 00:15:26,981
Munich?

337
00:15:29,621 --> 00:15:30,781
Um...

338
00:15:32,941 --> 00:15:34,861
Please. Not my passport.

339
00:15:34,861 --> 00:15:37,381
She can't fly.
She's 37 weeks pregnant.

340
00:15:37,381 --> 00:15:40,021
If you think I'm going to allow my
granddaughter to be born mid-air

341
00:15:40,021 --> 00:15:43,141
like a crow, you've got
another think coming.

342
00:15:43,141 --> 00:15:46,501
I've googled this and they 100%
use nests.

343
00:15:46,501 --> 00:15:49,661
What my daughter needs now is
a man, so be a man.

344
00:15:49,661 --> 00:15:52,501
Do you really think it's a good idea
jetting off to another country

345
00:15:52,501 --> 00:15:54,581
when the life you are bringing
into the world doesn't even

346
00:15:54,581 --> 00:15:58,261
have a bed to lay in, let alone
the hirsute arms and well-built body

347
00:15:58,261 --> 00:15:59,381
of a father?

348
00:15:59,381 --> 00:16:01,501
You may have been made a eunuch
by the woke brigade.

349
00:16:01,501 --> 00:16:03,541
Some of us still have balls!

350
00:16:06,781 --> 00:16:07,941
Please!

351
00:16:09,261 --> 00:16:11,301
Wait!

352
00:16:11,301 --> 00:16:12,621
I'm scared of her!

353
00:16:14,141 --> 00:16:15,621
You're a bloody animal, lad!

354
00:16:16,741 --> 00:16:17,821
HE CHUCKLES

355
00:16:17,821 --> 00:16:19,141
Yeah?!

356
00:16:21,541 --> 00:16:23,061
Oh!

357
00:16:28,341 --> 00:16:29,621
Be a man.

358
00:16:31,301 --> 00:16:32,581
What is man?

359
00:16:33,861 --> 00:16:35,421
What would man do?

360
00:16:35,421 --> 00:16:39,941
MUSIC: The Blue Danube
by Johann Strauss II

361
00:17:16,221 --> 00:17:20,701
Now, before you say anything,
let me explain.

362
00:17:20,701 --> 00:17:24,661
I didn't do this because I thought
you couldn't.

363
00:17:24,661 --> 00:17:26,101
Of course you could.

364
00:17:26,101 --> 00:17:28,581
I did this because I was here.

365
00:17:28,581 --> 00:17:34,541
I know, as I'm sure you know, no
man or wu-man is an island.

366
00:17:36,341 --> 00:17:39,501
It takes a community to bring
a life into the world.

367
00:17:40,981 --> 00:17:45,221
Well, for me, it was just about
being part of that community.

368
00:17:46,341 --> 00:17:47,861
Just for a little while.

369
00:17:52,581 --> 00:17:53,941
This isn't the nursery.

370
00:17:55,821 --> 00:17:57,181
Hmm?

371
00:17:57,181 --> 00:17:58,941
This is the laundry room.

372
00:17:58,941 --> 00:18:01,901
Why would I have the nursery
so far from my bedroom...

373
00:18:01,901 --> 00:18:03,461
..in the laundry room?

374
00:18:03,461 --> 00:18:06,021
Yeah, that doesn't make sense
at all, actually, does it?

375
00:18:10,781 --> 00:18:12,381
And what the fuck is that?

376
00:18:14,861 --> 00:18:16,381
It's a gender-neutral bear.

377
00:18:17,741 --> 00:18:20,141
I have a flight to catch in one
hour, and now I have two

378
00:18:20,141 --> 00:18:21,581
rooms to paint.

379
00:18:21,581 --> 00:18:22,861
Thank you.

380
00:18:24,221 --> 00:18:25,781
And why are you wearing my
dressing gown?

381
00:18:27,021 --> 00:18:28,861
Huh?

382
00:18:28,861 --> 00:18:30,101
Look at me.

383
00:18:31,581 --> 00:18:33,141
Look at me.

384
00:18:34,181 --> 00:18:36,061
Why are you wearing my
dressing gown?

385
00:18:39,581 --> 00:18:41,181
I got cold.

386
00:18:50,341 --> 00:18:52,181
I don't know where you get
the energy from, lad.

387
00:18:52,181 --> 00:18:54,941
You must be gobbling vitamins
like a hungry hippo.

388
00:18:54,941 --> 00:18:57,941
Get away from me, you twisted
pervert!

389
00:18:57,941 --> 00:18:59,861
Oh, ey up, her comes your missus.

390
00:18:59,861 --> 00:19:02,581
She must have heard about
you and her mum. Ooh!

391
00:19:04,261 --> 00:19:05,821
Where is it?

392
00:19:05,821 --> 00:19:08,021
Huh?  My passport. Where is it?

393
00:19:08,021 --> 00:19:10,101
I haven't got it.  Well, it's gone.

394
00:19:10,101 --> 00:19:12,501
And you're the only person
who knows I'm flying.

395
00:19:12,501 --> 00:19:14,821
Look, I don't know anything
about it, all right?

396
00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:16,661
I just want to get on with my job.

397
00:19:16,661 --> 00:19:18,741
Thought you'd make an executive
decision, did you?

398
00:19:18,741 --> 00:19:20,061
Where is it?

399
00:19:20,061 --> 00:19:22,141
I've got no ideaaaa!

400
00:19:22,141 --> 00:19:23,741
Yeah!

401
00:19:26,941 --> 00:19:28,501
The strength!

402
00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:30,261
It's unholy.

403
00:19:30,261 --> 00:19:34,421
On...your...knees.

404
00:19:34,421 --> 00:19:36,261
Argh!  Yeah!

405
00:19:37,621 --> 00:19:39,341
My passport!

406
00:19:39,341 --> 00:19:41,381
Where is it?!

407
00:19:41,381 --> 00:19:42,981
I haven't got it.

408
00:19:42,981 --> 00:19:44,821
HE WAILS

409
00:19:44,821 --> 00:19:47,061
It's your mum.

410
00:19:47,061 --> 00:19:48,461
She took it.

411
00:19:50,221 --> 00:19:52,341
I told her about the flight.
You did what?

412
00:19:54,101 --> 00:19:56,541
I know about your ex. She told me.

413
00:19:58,141 --> 00:19:59,421
It's a lot for you to take on.

414
00:20:00,621 --> 00:20:01,981
It wasn't your fault.

415
00:20:02,981 --> 00:20:04,621
I think he was just overwhelmed.

416
00:20:04,621 --> 00:20:06,941
I think he just wanted
to be a father.

417
00:20:06,941 --> 00:20:08,261
That's what she told you?

418
00:20:09,381 --> 00:20:11,421
He's a loser.

419
00:20:11,421 --> 00:20:12,981
But he tried to take his own life.

420
00:20:12,981 --> 00:20:14,861
He didn't try to take his life.

421
00:20:14,861 --> 00:20:18,181
He just turned up pissed - as usual.

422
00:20:18,181 --> 00:20:19,581
We split up ten years ago.

423
00:20:19,581 --> 00:20:21,781
He just took a bottle of whisky
to the shepherd's hut

424
00:20:21,781 --> 00:20:23,061
and locked himself in.

425
00:20:23,061 --> 00:20:25,221
It is typical of my mum
to romanticise things

426
00:20:25,221 --> 00:20:27,701
and, it seems, you to believe it.

427
00:20:27,701 --> 00:20:30,501
Yeah. I've had a bad run of judgment
lately, I'll admit that.

428
00:20:30,501 --> 00:20:33,661
I'm going to pack. Clean...my...hut.

429
00:20:36,021 --> 00:20:37,221
I can't get in!

430
00:20:39,861 --> 00:20:41,541
For fuck's sake!

431
00:20:42,781 --> 00:20:44,741
Bloody hell!

432
00:20:44,741 --> 00:20:46,341
There's a knack to it.

433
00:20:51,221 --> 00:20:52,821
Seriously?

434
00:20:54,141 --> 00:20:56,341
FLIES BUZZ

435
00:20:56,341 --> 00:20:57,741
Oh, my God.

436
00:20:57,741 --> 00:20:59,061
What?

437
00:20:59,061 --> 00:21:00,461
HE RETCHES

438
00:21:00,461 --> 00:21:03,181
It's just it's so much worse than
he said it was.

439
00:21:03,181 --> 00:21:06,901
I clean up blood and guts
every day, but I just...

440
00:21:06,901 --> 00:21:08,581
I can't stand...

441
00:21:08,581 --> 00:21:09,941
Honk and plop?

442
00:21:09,941 --> 00:21:11,381
So it is a phrase.

443
00:21:12,381 --> 00:21:13,581
HE RETCHES

444
00:21:13,581 --> 00:21:14,941
Pass me the mop.

445
00:21:14,941 --> 00:21:18,101
Oh, no. I couldn't let you.
Just give it to me.

446
00:21:18,101 --> 00:21:19,741
HE RETCHES

447
00:21:27,741 --> 00:21:30,501
# A clean-up woman

448
00:21:30,501 --> 00:21:33,301
# Is a woman who

449
00:21:33,301 --> 00:21:36,501
# Gets all the love we girls
leave behind

450
00:21:38,261 --> 00:21:43,701
# The reason I know so much
about her

451
00:21:43,701 --> 00:21:48,621
# Is because she picked up a man
of mine

452
00:21:48,621 --> 00:21:51,941
# I took this man's love and put
it on a shelf... #

453
00:21:51,941 --> 00:21:53,981
Good. OK. Now, what you need to
be...

454
00:21:53,981 --> 00:21:57,421
# And like a fool I thought I had
him all to myself

455
00:21:59,821 --> 00:22:04,421
# When he needed love
I was out having fun

456
00:22:04,421 --> 00:22:10,181
# But I found out that all
I had done

457
00:22:10,181 --> 00:22:12,541
# Was made it easy

458
00:22:12,541 --> 00:22:14,341
# For the clean-up woman... #

459
00:22:14,341 --> 00:22:15,901
Sorry.

460
00:22:15,901 --> 00:22:18,661
He'd have been really impressed
if it was blood.

461
00:22:18,661 --> 00:22:20,981
Not bad.  Thank you.

462
00:22:52,461 --> 00:22:53,821
Oh!

463
00:22:55,781 --> 00:22:57,661
Now what?

464
00:22:57,661 --> 00:22:59,181
I'm going to miss my bloody flight.

465
00:23:00,581 --> 00:23:02,541
I'm amazed your gardener
hasn't popped up yet.

466
00:23:02,541 --> 00:23:03,901
He'll have gone home.

467
00:23:03,901 --> 00:23:06,141
He's not been himself since his wife
passed.

468
00:23:06,141 --> 00:23:08,301
He seemed devastated.

469
00:23:08,301 --> 00:23:10,221
He really was.

470
00:23:10,221 --> 00:23:11,741
Well, there you go.

471
00:23:11,741 --> 00:23:14,901
You can never meet a partner.
Or you can meet one and they die.

472
00:23:14,901 --> 00:23:17,061
Either way, you're on your own.

473
00:23:17,061 --> 00:23:19,341
Bloody hell. Cheer up.

474
00:23:19,341 --> 00:23:22,101
If it's that bleak, why are you
having a kid anyway?

475
00:23:22,101 --> 00:23:24,261
Mainly because I've had
a good time.

476
00:23:24,261 --> 00:23:25,901
I've picked rubbish men.

477
00:23:25,901 --> 00:23:29,821
But I've really enjoyed knocking
about on this planet.

478
00:23:29,821 --> 00:23:32,501
I thought I might be a good coach
to a little one.

479
00:23:32,501 --> 00:23:34,581
You really will be.

480
00:23:34,581 --> 00:23:36,181
Not that you asked my opinion.

481
00:23:37,901 --> 00:23:39,621
But, come on.

482
00:23:39,621 --> 00:23:43,581
I mean, partner or not, no-one can
do it all by themselves, can they?

483
00:23:43,581 --> 00:23:45,181
Oh, you might be right.

484
00:23:46,341 --> 00:23:48,541
But you and I have a bigger problem
on our hands right now.

485
00:23:48,541 --> 00:23:49,621
Hey?

486
00:23:50,621 --> 00:23:52,181
My waters have broken.

487
00:23:53,221 --> 00:23:54,741
Oh, fuck.

488
00:23:54,741 --> 00:23:57,541
I thought you said you'd be OK
with blood.  Oh, f...

489
00:23:59,421 --> 00:24:00,661
Sh!

490
00:24:02,461 --> 00:24:03,821
I can't fit through there!

491
00:24:04,941 --> 00:24:06,261
No.

492
00:24:06,261 --> 00:24:08,501
You can't.  And nor can you.

493
00:24:08,501 --> 00:24:12,141
If a crow can give birth mid-air,
or in a nest, I can get

494
00:24:12,141 --> 00:24:14,581
through that skylight.
Enough about crows.

495
00:24:14,581 --> 00:24:17,141
A man with your belly cannot fit
through that skylight.

496
00:24:17,141 --> 00:24:19,701
What do you think I do at the beach?

497
00:24:19,701 --> 00:24:21,141
HE INHALES DEEPLY

498
00:24:21,141 --> 00:24:22,661
I hold it in.

499
00:24:22,661 --> 00:24:25,061
SHE SCREAMS

500
00:24:26,261 --> 00:24:28,301
Yeah!

501
00:24:33,901 --> 00:24:36,341
HE GROANS

502
00:24:38,541 --> 00:24:40,501
HE SCREAMS

503
00:24:42,781 --> 00:24:44,981
HE SCREAMS

504
00:24:46,701 --> 00:24:48,821
SHE SCREAMS

505
00:24:58,301 --> 00:24:59,981
Ah!

506
00:25:04,501 --> 00:25:06,741
SHE SCREAMS

507
00:25:14,701 --> 00:25:15,861
I'm free!

508
00:25:16,861 --> 00:25:18,421
I'm a man!

509
00:25:19,461 --> 00:25:21,221
Get stuck in there, lad.

510
00:25:24,661 --> 00:25:28,861
Don't worry. We can do
this...together.

511
00:25:28,861 --> 00:25:30,061
I've had it.

512
00:25:30,061 --> 00:25:33,741
Hey?  The baby. I've had it.

513
00:25:33,741 --> 00:25:35,381
BABY CRIES

514
00:25:35,381 --> 00:25:37,221
Oh, yeah!

515
00:25:37,221 --> 00:25:39,901
Ah! Well done.

516
00:25:39,901 --> 00:25:41,421
Help me, then!

517
00:25:41,421 --> 00:25:42,821
Yes.

518
00:25:51,741 --> 00:25:53,061
BABY COOS

519
00:25:54,781 --> 00:25:56,341
That is safe?

520
00:25:58,661 --> 00:25:59,981
It's water.

521
00:25:59,981 --> 00:26:02,941
I do know what I'm doing sometimes,
you know.

522
00:26:02,941 --> 00:26:04,341
Come on, you.

523
00:26:07,301 --> 00:26:09,101
We're going to be OK, aren't we?

524
00:26:10,461 --> 00:26:12,541
Of course you are.

525
00:26:12,541 --> 00:26:14,221
I was talking to the baby.  Yeah.

526
00:26:15,541 --> 00:26:18,421
We're going to sleep in the nursery
tonight...

527
00:26:18,421 --> 00:26:19,741
..with the gender-neutral bear.

528
00:26:21,021 --> 00:26:22,301
Are you?

529
00:26:22,301 --> 00:26:23,501
Are we fuck?!

530
00:26:25,061 --> 00:26:27,141
Darling?!

531
00:26:27,141 --> 00:26:29,621
I rang her. Wrestle me if you want.

532
00:26:31,021 --> 00:26:33,861
Oh. Oh!

533
00:26:33,861 --> 00:26:36,501
Oh, darling, she's beautiful!

534
00:26:36,501 --> 00:26:38,981
He, Mum. HE'S beautiful.

535
00:26:38,981 --> 00:26:41,901
Have you fed him yet?
Oh, that's not how you hold him.

536
00:26:41,901 --> 00:26:44,661
Come here. Let Nanny show you.

537
00:26:44,661 --> 00:26:46,221
I'm managing.

538
00:26:46,221 --> 00:26:48,781
And you did it all without gas
and air.

539
00:26:48,781 --> 00:26:50,221
Oh, was it very painful?

540
00:26:50,221 --> 00:26:53,101
Horrendous.  That's my girl!

541
00:26:53,101 --> 00:26:54,341
Ooh!

542
00:27:00,981 --> 00:27:02,661
Hey, talk me through it, then.

543
00:27:02,661 --> 00:27:04,301
Bet you had a right eyeful.

544
00:27:10,181 --> 00:27:11,821
Oh, hello, love.

545
00:27:11,821 --> 00:27:14,621
What are you doing here?
Looking for you.

546
00:27:14,621 --> 00:27:16,861
I didn't want to just leave you
a note.

547
00:27:16,861 --> 00:27:18,141
I'm leaving you.

548
00:27:18,141 --> 00:27:19,181
What?

549
00:27:19,181 --> 00:27:20,741
No. Y-y-you can't.

550
00:27:20,741 --> 00:27:22,821
I'm sorry. It's nothing personal.

551
00:27:25,501 --> 00:27:27,701
Donald, I have needs.

552
00:27:27,701 --> 00:27:30,261
It's not your fault you can't...

553
00:27:30,261 --> 00:27:33,741
But I have needs!

554
00:27:38,861 --> 00:27:40,621
Damn you, little Donald!

555
00:27:43,421 --> 00:27:45,661
Damn you!!!

556
00:27:56,421 --> 00:27:58,181
Do you wish we'd had kids?

557
00:27:58,181 --> 00:27:59,461
Hmm?

558
00:27:59,461 --> 00:28:01,461
Do you wish you and me
had had kids?

559
00:28:02,581 --> 00:28:04,901
No. One's enough, babe.

560
00:28:08,861 --> 00:28:10,341
Yeah.

561
00:28:10,341 --> 00:28:12,301
Too much honk and plop, innit?