1
00:00:02,981 --> 00:00:05,101
HE SIGHS
Ooh, what the hell?

2
00:00:05,101 --> 00:00:06,901
What time is it?

3
00:00:06,901 --> 00:00:08,981
5:30. I've got a job.

4
00:00:08,981 --> 00:00:11,141
Do you have to go now?

5
00:00:11,141 --> 00:00:12,261
Come back for a bit.

6
00:00:12,261 --> 00:00:13,701
I'll make it worth your while.

7
00:00:13,701 --> 00:00:15,941
No. I haven't got
time for your nonsense.

8
00:00:15,941 --> 00:00:17,461
I feel awful.

9
00:00:17,461 --> 00:00:19,981
You've never complained about
my nonsense before.

10
00:00:19,981 --> 00:00:21,861
I can't wait to retire.

11
00:00:21,861 --> 00:00:23,701
It can't be normal
to wake up every day

12
00:00:23,701 --> 00:00:24,941
feeling like you've had a stroke.

13
00:00:24,941 --> 00:00:26,301
You can have a stroke.

14
00:00:26,301 --> 00:00:28,101
Stop making moves on me, you Hobbit!

15
00:00:28,101 --> 00:00:30,381
I feel dreadful. I've got to be
there in half an hour.

16
00:00:30,381 --> 00:00:32,461
Well, you don't normally need
that long, Grandad.

17
00:00:32,461 --> 00:00:33,901
HE SCOFFS
Oh, she's a funny woman, isn't she?

18
00:00:33,901 --> 00:00:36,101
SHE GIGGLES
All right.

19
00:00:36,101 --> 00:00:37,541
All right, you sexy munchkin.

20
00:00:37,541 --> 00:00:39,341
I'll show you how much
energy Grandad's got.

21
00:00:39,341 --> 00:00:40,381
Oh!  Wahey!

22
00:00:40,381 --> 00:00:41,621
Now!

23
00:01:06,381 --> 00:01:08,461
Oi! You can't park there.

24
00:01:08,461 --> 00:01:10,101
You can't!

25
00:01:10,101 --> 00:01:11,381
Good morning to you.

26
00:01:11,381 --> 00:01:12,741
Don't worry, I have a permit.

27
00:01:12,741 --> 00:01:15,021
A blue badge?
I can't see a blue badge!

28
00:01:15,021 --> 00:01:16,941
How have you got a blue badge?

29
00:01:16,941 --> 00:01:20,701
He couldn't even get a blue badge
and he has bad legs.

30
00:01:20,701 --> 00:01:22,301
Don't talk about my bad legs!

31
00:01:22,301 --> 00:01:24,061
You want to worry about
your bad eyes!

32
00:01:24,061 --> 00:01:25,461
It's not a blue badge,

33
00:01:25,461 --> 00:01:27,621
it's police-issue so...

34
00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:28,901
You're not a policeman!

35
00:01:28,901 --> 00:01:30,981
I'm here to clean.

36
00:01:30,981 --> 00:01:32,181
What?

37
00:01:32,181 --> 00:01:33,301
You're a man!

38
00:01:33,301 --> 00:01:34,941
The world has gone mad!

39
00:01:34,941 --> 00:01:38,821
A man earning a living like some
Scottish single mother?

40
00:01:38,821 --> 00:01:41,141
No, no. I'm a crime scene cleaner.

41
00:01:41,141 --> 00:01:43,261
No, you can't park there,
you'll get towed.

42
00:01:43,261 --> 00:01:45,381
Come on. We'll miss coffee hour.

43
00:01:45,381 --> 00:01:47,181
Oh, get off me, woman!

44
00:01:47,181 --> 00:01:49,221
When I think of the girls
I courted...

45
00:01:49,221 --> 00:01:53,021
Oh, don't you bore me again
about your horrible sluttish past!

46
00:01:53,021 --> 00:01:55,901
It... It wasn't horrible
and it wasn't sluttish.

47
00:01:55,901 --> 00:01:57,421
How dare you!

48
00:02:04,381 --> 00:02:09,181
- It's 6:45am and welcome to
Drakefield Community Centre.

49
00:02:09,181 --> 00:02:13,341
The Watercolour Wanderers
are delayed by nine minutes

50
00:02:13,341 --> 00:02:15,741
and a happy 85th birthday to Alfred.

51
00:02:22,981 --> 00:02:24,501
Hello, you're late.

52
00:02:25,701 --> 00:02:27,861
What's going on? Why's it so busy?

53
00:02:27,861 --> 00:02:29,221
Sorry, I'm the cleaner.

54
00:02:29,221 --> 00:02:31,741
I know who you are. You were
supposed to be here at six.

55
00:02:31,741 --> 00:02:33,141
They start to queue from six.

56
00:02:33,141 --> 00:02:34,221
Sorry, traffic.

57
00:02:34,221 --> 00:02:35,661
I'll just crack on, though, shall I?

58
00:02:35,661 --> 00:02:37,381
No, no, no, you can't clean now.

59
00:02:37,381 --> 00:02:38,701
Can I not?  No.

60
00:02:38,701 --> 00:02:40,581
Next session starts in 12 minutes.

61
00:02:40,581 --> 00:02:42,221
Oh, God,
I'd never hear the end of it.

62
00:02:42,221 --> 00:02:44,181
Jesus Christ, the letters I'd get.

63
00:02:44,181 --> 00:02:46,141
Makes me feel physically sick just
thinking about it.

64
00:02:46,141 --> 00:02:47,181
I don't understand.

65
00:02:48,301 --> 00:02:50,021
OK, once coffee hour's finished,

66
00:02:50,021 --> 00:02:52,781
then the space is
booked by specialist groups. OK?

67
00:02:52,781 --> 00:02:55,141
They book months in advance and they
do not want to share with anyone.

68
00:02:55,141 --> 00:02:56,381
OK?

69
00:02:56,381 --> 00:02:57,741
There's a committee.

70
00:02:57,741 --> 00:02:59,981
It's fine. Old people love me.

71
00:02:59,981 --> 00:03:02,221
Mm. OK.

72
00:03:02,221 --> 00:03:04,941
Hey! What happened by the way?

73
00:03:04,941 --> 00:03:07,941
Oh, yeah, Bill, one of our regulars,
he...

74
00:03:07,941 --> 00:03:09,381
He fell off the balcony.

75
00:03:09,381 --> 00:03:10,901
YELLING

76
00:03:10,901 --> 00:03:12,261
THUD!

77
00:03:13,621 --> 00:03:15,021
He fell, did he?

78
00:03:15,021 --> 00:03:17,581
Well, the police are pretty sure
that's what happened, Pauline, yeah.

79
00:03:17,581 --> 00:03:19,061
Oh, I'm sure they are.

80
00:03:19,061 --> 00:03:21,021
Less paperwork.

81
00:03:21,021 --> 00:03:25,061
Bill had bad lungs but there
was nothing wrong with his balance.

82
00:03:27,101 --> 00:03:30,621
Yeah, that won't be the last
conspiracy you hear today.

83
00:03:30,621 --> 00:03:31,901
Trust me.

84
00:03:31,901 --> 00:03:34,461
Margaret, did those drawing pins
I ordered arrive?

85
00:03:34,461 --> 00:03:38,181
I can't keep putting
these notices up with my bad hands.

86
00:03:38,181 --> 00:03:41,221
Ah, I'm just waiting
on the committee to OK the spend.

87
00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:43,181
SHE GRUMBLES

88
00:03:43,181 --> 00:03:46,101
There's a lot of bad body parts
here, isn't there?

89
00:03:46,101 --> 00:03:48,301
Has anyone actually been
diagnosed with anything?

90
00:03:48,301 --> 00:03:49,861
Oh, they don't go to the doctor.

91
00:03:49,861 --> 00:03:51,741
They don't like to trouble
the doctor.

92
00:03:51,741 --> 00:03:54,021
No, they save it all for me.

93
00:03:54,021 --> 00:03:57,581
Look! Take a piece of advice
from someone who knows, yeah?

94
00:03:58,901 --> 00:04:00,701
This is their world.

95
00:04:00,701 --> 00:04:03,861
Do not get sucked in!

96
00:04:03,861 --> 00:04:05,621
Now sit down and keep
yourself to yourself.

97
00:04:14,501 --> 00:04:16,501
You're in my chair.

98
00:04:16,501 --> 00:04:19,101
Oh, hello again. Sorry.

99
00:04:19,101 --> 00:04:22,141
I hate it when people
do that to me in the pub.

100
00:04:23,861 --> 00:04:25,141
Oh!

101
00:04:27,101 --> 00:04:29,181
I'm Wicky, by the way.

102
00:04:29,181 --> 00:04:31,381
Mmm!  Now, what's this?

103
00:04:31,381 --> 00:04:34,061
Oh, hello, again.  I sit there.

104
00:04:34,061 --> 00:04:35,341
I need a high back!

105
00:04:35,341 --> 00:04:37,221
HE CHUCKLES
Oh...

106
00:04:37,221 --> 00:04:38,821
The old bad legs again, is it?

107
00:04:38,821 --> 00:04:42,581
I was shot in the spine
in the Falklands.

108
00:04:42,581 --> 00:04:45,061
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

109
00:04:45,061 --> 00:04:46,821
You've done it now.

110
00:04:46,821 --> 00:04:48,101
He's on the committee.

111
00:04:49,461 --> 00:04:50,741
Oh.

112
00:04:50,741 --> 00:04:53,141
BUSY CHATTER

113
00:04:56,541 --> 00:04:58,261
If you're struggling a little bit,

114
00:04:58,261 --> 00:04:59,581
I use these for distance.

115
00:04:59,581 --> 00:05:00,861
Would you like to...

116
00:05:04,461 --> 00:05:05,781
Eh?

117
00:05:08,301 --> 00:05:09,701
Oh!  This is him.

118
00:05:09,701 --> 00:05:11,821
He said he was glad I was shot.

119
00:05:11,821 --> 00:05:14,101
No. I did not!

120
00:05:14,101 --> 00:05:16,421
I'm so sorry,
I'll speak to the gentleman.

121
00:05:16,421 --> 00:05:17,861
Oh, dear!

122
00:05:17,861 --> 00:05:19,941
You've made me miss coffee hour.

123
00:05:19,941 --> 00:05:21,821
You've done it now, you bounder!

124
00:05:21,821 --> 00:05:23,381
How will I take my pills?

125
00:05:23,381 --> 00:05:26,181
She uses her tea to take her pills.

126
00:05:26,181 --> 00:05:27,981
AND he's still in my chair!

127
00:05:27,981 --> 00:05:30,901
He needs a high-back chair!

128
00:05:30,901 --> 00:05:34,981
Margaret, this sort of thing
can't carry on.

129
00:05:34,981 --> 00:05:36,981
It just can't.

130
00:05:39,581 --> 00:05:40,941
My glasses...

131
00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:42,101
Well, I warned you.

132
00:05:43,581 --> 00:05:45,501
Your first letter.

133
00:05:45,501 --> 00:05:47,341
Insulting a veteran.

134
00:05:47,341 --> 00:05:50,461
Impersonating a police officer
to get free parking.

135
00:05:50,461 --> 00:05:53,221
I thought I told you to keep
yourself to yourself.

136
00:05:53,221 --> 00:05:54,701
I thought I was!

137
00:05:54,701 --> 00:05:55,941
SHE HUFFS

138
00:05:57,141 --> 00:05:58,341
HE EXHALES

139
00:06:03,141 --> 00:06:04,981
Welcome, ladies.

140
00:06:04,981 --> 00:06:06,541
It's lovely to see you.

141
00:06:11,381 --> 00:06:12,941
Right, let's crack on.

142
00:06:15,141 --> 00:06:16,421
HE EXHALES

143
00:06:18,261 --> 00:06:20,341
Oh, hello.

144
00:06:20,341 --> 00:06:23,501
I'm afraid the Watercolour Wanderers
are fully subscribed.

145
00:06:23,501 --> 00:06:25,981
We can include you in
an internet waiting list.

146
00:06:25,981 --> 00:06:29,141
Oh, no, I'm sorry,
I'm just here to clean this.

147
00:06:29,141 --> 00:06:30,741
Impossible, I'm afraid.

148
00:06:30,741 --> 00:06:34,261
My artists need
a contemplative atmosphere.

149
00:06:34,261 --> 00:06:39,661
The only sound you will hear will be
the sound of soft brush upon canvas.

150
00:06:39,661 --> 00:06:40,781
So...

151
00:06:44,021 --> 00:06:46,661
Good morning, Watercolour Wanderers.

152
00:06:46,661 --> 00:06:50,541
Art mirrors life
and you have captured life in...

153
00:06:50,541 --> 00:06:51,861
ZIP CLOSING

154
00:06:51,861 --> 00:06:53,381
MUTTERING

155
00:06:57,141 --> 00:06:58,541
..in your art.

156
00:07:00,181 --> 00:07:04,901
Today, though,
we dare to face death.

157
00:07:04,901 --> 00:07:06,221
CASE THUDS

158
00:07:07,941 --> 00:07:09,181
Sorry.

159
00:07:10,261 --> 00:07:13,061
It's him over there
and he's nothing but trouble.

160
00:07:13,061 --> 00:07:14,941
GLOVES SNAP

161
00:07:14,941 --> 00:07:20,341
Our brushes pay homage
to a dearly departed friend.

162
00:07:20,341 --> 00:07:21,541
BRUSH SCRUBS LOUDLY

163
00:07:21,541 --> 00:07:22,941
HUSHED GASPS

164
00:07:22,941 --> 00:07:28,141
Today, Water Colourers,
we immortalise Bill.

165
00:07:28,141 --> 00:07:29,981
OOHING & AHHING

166
00:07:29,981 --> 00:07:31,861
BRUSH SCRUBBING

167
00:07:34,021 --> 00:07:36,581
Oh, so disrespectful!

168
00:07:39,621 --> 00:07:40,901
I'll brush quieter.

169
00:07:44,821 --> 00:07:47,261
..outing you, outing me...

170
00:07:47,261 --> 00:07:49,141
I'm sick of...

171
00:07:49,141 --> 00:07:51,861
I'm going to have words with him.
HUSHED COMPLAINTS

172
00:07:53,901 --> 00:07:56,501
It's hard to see in these specs.

173
00:08:01,581 --> 00:08:03,781
I'm sorry, I'm really trying.

174
00:08:03,781 --> 00:08:05,501
Ahh!

175
00:08:05,501 --> 00:08:07,061
SHE GASPS

176
00:08:07,061 --> 00:08:08,501
Oh!

177
00:08:13,101 --> 00:08:14,341
Hello?

178
00:08:15,701 --> 00:08:18,741
SHE GROANS

179
00:08:18,741 --> 00:08:21,461
DEEP RUMBLE

180
00:08:21,461 --> 00:08:25,941
THEY BOTH SHRIEK

181
00:08:25,941 --> 00:08:28,741
Mother of God, someone stop him!

182
00:08:28,741 --> 00:08:32,821
SHRIEKING CONTINUES

183
00:08:33,901 --> 00:08:35,501
HE SMACKS LIPS

184
00:08:35,501 --> 00:08:38,061
Ah, well, these things happen.

185
00:08:38,061 --> 00:08:40,501
Six letters now.

186
00:08:40,501 --> 00:08:43,461
"It felt like he was
dancing on Bill's grave, naked."

187
00:08:43,461 --> 00:08:45,461
I lent her the glasses
to be helpful!

188
00:08:45,461 --> 00:08:47,061
They don't like to be helped.

189
00:08:47,061 --> 00:08:48,701
They don't want to be patronised.

190
00:08:48,701 --> 00:08:53,021
I thought retirement was some
golden period of happy reflection.

191
00:08:53,021 --> 00:08:56,941
Look, please,
just mind your own business.

192
00:08:56,941 --> 00:08:59,061
Only clean when the space is empty.

193
00:08:59,061 --> 00:09:02,021
And never give up
an opportunity to apologise.

194
00:09:02,021 --> 00:09:04,741
Because they always win.

195
00:09:04,741 --> 00:09:05,981
All right.

196
00:09:05,981 --> 00:09:08,181
I'll go and get some kit
from my van.

197
00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:09,621
Apologetically.  Very good.

198
00:09:09,621 --> 00:09:10,861
How dare you?

199
00:09:10,861 --> 00:09:13,181
Oh, shit. Now she's accusing Sue!
Would you look at her go.

200
00:09:13,181 --> 00:09:16,421
Great! That's what happens when you
watch Midsomer Murders all day.

201
00:09:16,421 --> 00:09:17,901
Ladies, ladies, ladies...  What?

202
00:09:17,901 --> 00:09:19,941
Right...  No...  Ladies, ladies,
ladies, please. Please.

203
00:09:25,661 --> 00:09:27,941
Ah, there you are.

204
00:09:27,941 --> 00:09:29,301
It's this way.

205
00:09:29,301 --> 00:09:30,701
Sorry?  It's in here.

206
00:09:31,781 --> 00:09:33,661
Quick as you like. They're waiting.

207
00:09:34,781 --> 00:09:35,901
Who's waiting?

208
00:09:40,581 --> 00:09:44,141
Now, then, what a treat it is
for us to welcome...

209
00:09:45,661 --> 00:09:47,821
..Huw Davey!

210
00:09:51,061 --> 00:09:52,821
It is quite the privilege for us

211
00:09:52,821 --> 00:09:54,981
to be joined by
a professional singer

212
00:09:54,981 --> 00:09:57,861
and I know you've all been
looking forward to it.

213
00:09:57,861 --> 00:10:01,261
Oh, I do think there's been
a little bit of confusion here.

214
00:10:01,261 --> 00:10:03,461
This is his pre-show banter.

215
00:10:03,461 --> 00:10:05,461
He did all this on the cruise.

216
00:10:05,461 --> 00:10:08,581
No, the thing is,
I am actually just here to clean.

217
00:10:08,581 --> 00:10:10,981
A male cleaner!
You were right, he's a riot!

218
00:10:10,981 --> 00:10:12,541
Pick a song, Davey.

219
00:10:12,541 --> 00:10:14,821
This is the Sing-Along Swingers,
not a chat club.

220
00:10:14,821 --> 00:10:15,981
Yes, but...

221
00:10:15,981 --> 00:10:19,181
Davey, take it from me,
get them singing.

222
00:10:19,181 --> 00:10:20,701
You're losing them.

223
00:10:20,701 --> 00:10:22,461
HUSHED WHISPERS

224
00:10:24,421 --> 00:10:25,781
Right, well...

225
00:10:27,261 --> 00:10:30,101
Ladies and gentlemen,
I wasn't expecting this,

226
00:10:30,101 --> 00:10:33,261
but let's do this, shall we?

227
00:10:33,261 --> 00:10:34,501
MIC INTERFERENCE

228
00:10:37,621 --> 00:10:41,701
in your old kitbag

229
00:10:41,701 --> 00:10:45,661
ORGAN ACCOMPANIES

230
00:10:45,661 --> 00:10:47,101
You know it.

231
00:10:47,101 --> 00:10:51,221
and laughter hear the snag

232
00:10:51,221 --> 00:10:54,901
ORGAN STOPS

233
00:10:54,901 --> 00:10:56,261
Now we're cooking!

234
00:11:02,741 --> 00:11:04,181
Oh, shut up!  You sing so...

235
00:11:05,221 --> 00:11:06,621
So you...

236
00:11:07,981 --> 00:11:09,701
What the hell was that?

237
00:11:09,701 --> 00:11:11,381
How old do you think we are?

238
00:11:11,381 --> 00:11:12,781
Pack Up Your Troubles?

239
00:11:12,781 --> 00:11:14,741
None of us
were more than toddlers in the war!

240
00:11:14,741 --> 00:11:17,741
Oh...
I was at Woodstock, you cheeky pig!

241
00:11:17,741 --> 00:11:19,261
We're boomers!

242
00:11:19,261 --> 00:11:21,061
I've had three abortions.

243
00:11:21,061 --> 00:11:22,221
Three?

244
00:11:22,221 --> 00:11:23,461
Your body, your right.

245
00:11:23,461 --> 00:11:26,061
Now, let's give Mr Davey a chance.

246
00:11:26,061 --> 00:11:28,061
Get the era right, Davey,
for God's sake!

247
00:11:28,061 --> 00:11:29,661
There's going to be a riot.

248
00:11:29,661 --> 00:11:31,701
Yes,
but I'm not the singer.

249
00:11:31,701 --> 00:11:32,941
Follow me.
HE PLAYS ORGAN

250
00:11:32,941 --> 00:11:35,741
four o'clock, rock

251
00:11:35,741 --> 00:11:38,581
eight o'clock, rock

252
00:11:38,581 --> 00:11:40,941
12 o'clock, rock

253
00:11:40,941 --> 00:11:43,941
rock around the clock tonight

254
00:11:46,381 --> 00:11:48,101
No, no. Stop, stop.
THEY SING

255
00:11:48,101 --> 00:11:49,301
Sorry to interrupt!

256
00:11:49,301 --> 00:11:51,181
Sorry to interrupt.
SINGING STOPS

257
00:11:51,181 --> 00:11:52,901
Can we have a word, please?
Yeah.

258
00:11:52,901 --> 00:11:54,221
It's fine.

259
00:11:56,221 --> 00:11:57,301
Thatcher out! Oh!

260
00:11:57,301 --> 00:11:58,901
GASPS

261
00:11:58,901 --> 00:12:00,981
MIC INTERFERENCE

262
00:12:00,981 --> 00:12:02,261
What the hell?!

263
00:12:02,261 --> 00:12:04,501
I tried to tell them.
They wouldn't listen!

264
00:12:04,501 --> 00:12:07,381
Ah. Mr Huw Davey. Please, do go in.

265
00:12:07,381 --> 00:12:09,421
HIGH-You'll be hearing
from my solicitor!

266
00:12:11,701 --> 00:12:14,981
You are one incident away from them
calling a committee disciplinary.

267
00:12:14,981 --> 00:12:18,301
Please,
don't go opening a pandora's box.

268
00:12:18,301 --> 00:12:20,501
Now, you might get
15 minutes of cleaning

269
00:12:20,501 --> 00:12:22,781
before the Ballroom Follies take
over the main space, OK?

270
00:12:25,141 --> 00:12:30,621
the pipes are calling

271
00:12:32,701 --> 00:12:34,421
Having a good morning, young man?

272
00:12:35,621 --> 00:12:38,221
I mean, to be honest, it's more
stressful than I ever imagined.

273
00:12:38,221 --> 00:12:40,421
Poor Bill would be
turning in his grave.

274
00:12:40,421 --> 00:12:41,821
Wonderful man.

275
00:12:41,821 --> 00:12:43,541
Loved by all.

276
00:12:43,541 --> 00:12:46,021
Well, nearly all.

277
00:12:47,541 --> 00:12:49,181
You don't think it was an accident,
do you?

278
00:12:49,181 --> 00:12:50,541
SHE SCOFFS

279
00:12:50,541 --> 00:12:52,301
He fell, did he?

280
00:12:52,301 --> 00:12:53,701
Well, yeah, the police report...

281
00:12:53,701 --> 00:12:55,621
The police! The police...

282
00:12:55,621 --> 00:12:57,181
Wake up!

283
00:12:57,181 --> 00:12:58,421
He was pushed!

284
00:12:58,421 --> 00:12:59,861
BILL YELLS

285
00:12:59,861 --> 00:13:01,101
THUD!

286
00:13:01,101 --> 00:13:02,701
By who?

287
00:13:02,701 --> 00:13:05,221
I have yet to reach my conclusions,

288
00:13:05,221 --> 00:13:09,541
but I am currently finding
Christine's portrait

289
00:13:09,541 --> 00:13:11,261
very interesting.

290
00:13:19,101 --> 00:13:20,261
Ugh.

291
00:13:21,341 --> 00:13:24,021
Oh!  Now, don't you
go aggravating her,

292
00:13:24,021 --> 00:13:26,061
she's only just managed to get
her pills down.

293
00:13:26,061 --> 00:13:29,261
Actually, Maud,
I wanted to apologise.

294
00:13:29,261 --> 00:13:30,981
I shouldn't have interfered before.

295
00:13:30,981 --> 00:13:32,741
I shouldn't have lent you
my glasses.

296
00:13:32,741 --> 00:13:34,941
You falling over - my fault.

297
00:13:34,941 --> 00:13:36,861
You not being able to
take your pills -

298
00:13:36,861 --> 00:13:38,781
also my fault, so...

299
00:13:38,781 --> 00:13:40,621
You can cut my lawn!

300
00:13:41,621 --> 00:13:44,381
Hey?  She wants you to make amends.

301
00:13:44,381 --> 00:13:45,901
OK.

302
00:13:45,901 --> 00:13:48,381
I guess I could pop over
on my day off next Wednesday.

303
00:13:48,381 --> 00:13:51,101
Wednesday is recycling day.

304
00:13:51,101 --> 00:13:52,221
All day?

305
00:13:52,221 --> 00:13:54,821
You heard the woman,
it's recycling day!

306
00:13:55,981 --> 00:13:57,981
One weekend?  Ah, lovely!

307
00:13:57,981 --> 00:14:00,981
A noisy lawnmower driving
the neighbours mad.

308
00:14:00,981 --> 00:14:05,181
Why not organise a rave in her
garden, too? Bring a bag of Es!

309
00:14:05,181 --> 00:14:06,541
Drugs?!

310
00:14:06,541 --> 00:14:09,261
We can't have drugs on the property!

311
00:14:09,261 --> 00:14:12,141
Oh, well done,
you've upset her again!

312
00:14:12,141 --> 00:14:14,301
Can't you see she's got bad nerves?

313
00:14:14,301 --> 00:14:15,861
SHE WHIMPERS

314
00:14:23,061 --> 00:14:24,741
HE SIGHS

315
00:14:26,541 --> 00:14:28,821
You look like you need that.

316
00:14:28,821 --> 00:14:30,221
Tough morning?

317
00:14:30,221 --> 00:14:31,941
HE SCOFFS
Well, I haven't really

318
00:14:31,941 --> 00:14:33,541
had a chance to do anything yet.

319
00:14:33,541 --> 00:14:36,341
People are a little
inflexible round here.

320
00:14:36,341 --> 00:14:37,781
Yeah.
THEY CHUCKLE

321
00:14:37,781 --> 00:14:39,061
Would you care to join me?

322
00:14:41,301 --> 00:14:42,621
Yeah.

323
00:14:47,661 --> 00:14:48,901
Ballroom Follies?

324
00:14:48,901 --> 00:14:52,301
Yes, I do enjoy a dance.

325
00:14:52,301 --> 00:14:54,541
Gets the creaky old joints moving.

326
00:14:54,541 --> 00:14:55,781
Oh, that's lovely.

327
00:14:55,781 --> 00:14:56,981
How long have you been dancing?

328
00:14:56,981 --> 00:14:58,901
Oh, about three years now.

329
00:14:58,901 --> 00:15:01,021
Since my husband died.

330
00:15:01,021 --> 00:15:03,301
HE SMACKS LIPS
Oh.

331
00:15:03,301 --> 00:15:04,621
Well, that's sweet.

332
00:15:06,061 --> 00:15:07,621
It must be a real comfort to know

333
00:15:07,621 --> 00:15:09,381
that you'll always have
those memories,

334
00:15:09,381 --> 00:15:10,661
no matter what happens...

335
00:15:10,661 --> 00:15:11,861
Bitch!

336
00:15:11,861 --> 00:15:13,341
Sorry?

337
00:15:13,341 --> 00:15:16,821
Look! That Carol Davies.

338
00:15:16,821 --> 00:15:18,781
I knew she'd do this.

339
00:15:18,781 --> 00:15:20,341
I showed her my new ballgown,

340
00:15:20,341 --> 00:15:24,221
and she goes straight out
and buys the same one.

341
00:15:24,221 --> 00:15:25,621
Might be a coincidence, no?

342
00:15:25,621 --> 00:15:27,421
Don't be so fucking naive.

343
00:15:27,421 --> 00:15:28,701
I've planned for this.

344
00:15:30,341 --> 00:15:31,741
Second dress!

345
00:15:31,741 --> 00:15:32,821
Mm.

346
00:15:32,821 --> 00:15:35,581
Right, I'm going to need your help.

347
00:15:35,581 --> 00:15:36,861
Come to the ladies'.

348
00:15:36,861 --> 00:15:38,061
What?

349
00:15:38,061 --> 00:15:40,181
I need you to stop people coming in.

350
00:15:40,181 --> 00:15:42,341
No, no, no,
I don't want to get involved.

351
00:15:42,341 --> 00:15:43,941
Oh, it's too late for that now.

352
00:15:43,941 --> 00:15:45,101
Cover me.

353
00:15:46,781 --> 00:15:48,301
Erm...  Cover me.

354
00:16:00,541 --> 00:16:05,621
Oh, I'm so sorry, they're out of
action at the moment, so...

355
00:16:05,621 --> 00:16:07,461
Are you having a problem, Carol?

356
00:16:07,461 --> 00:16:09,221
He's blocking the way!

357
00:16:09,221 --> 00:16:12,501
Good God, man, interfering with
the ladies' toilets now.

358
00:16:12,501 --> 00:16:15,141
Do we need to add
Peeping Tom to your CV?

359
00:16:15,141 --> 00:16:19,341
Hey?!  He pretended to be disabled to
get a blue badge.

360
00:16:19,341 --> 00:16:20,781
I didn't, Carol.

361
00:16:20,781 --> 00:16:22,861
And I was asked to stand here!

362
00:16:22,861 --> 00:16:25,501
Where's Margaret?
This is a committee job.

363
00:16:25,501 --> 00:16:28,461
We can't have a sexual deviant
blocking the toilets.

364
00:16:28,461 --> 00:16:30,781
All right. Go in.

365
00:16:30,781 --> 00:16:32,141
What do I care!

366
00:16:34,261 --> 00:16:35,661
SCREAMING

367
00:16:35,661 --> 00:16:36,981
What the hell?

368
00:16:36,981 --> 00:16:38,221
He's exposed her!

369
00:16:38,221 --> 00:16:39,781
On purpose!

370
00:16:39,781 --> 00:16:42,941
Twisted pervert!
Call a committee meeting.

371
00:16:42,941 --> 00:16:44,261
HE COUGHS

372
00:16:44,261 --> 00:16:47,341
Oh! You've set his lungs off now.

373
00:16:47,341 --> 00:16:50,061
Oh, the committee will
hear about this!

374
00:16:50,061 --> 00:16:51,261
Lovely dress, Carol.

375
00:16:51,261 --> 00:16:52,421
Really suits you.

376
00:16:52,421 --> 00:16:54,101
Help me do up the back, would you?

377
00:16:54,101 --> 00:16:58,301
Well, you really have caused a stir.

378
00:16:58,301 --> 00:17:00,261
I may be able to help you.

379
00:17:00,261 --> 00:17:03,781
Would you mind picking
Artist Of The Week?

380
00:17:03,781 --> 00:17:05,661
I don't know whether I should.

381
00:17:05,661 --> 00:17:10,461
It would really help curry favour
with the committee.

382
00:17:12,781 --> 00:17:13,981
Argh!

383
00:17:15,621 --> 00:17:20,141
Oh, very mysterious coming
out of the smoke there.

384
00:17:20,141 --> 00:17:21,901
Quite regal.

385
00:17:23,021 --> 00:17:27,101
Ah. Oh, yeah. Mm, colours. Nice.

386
00:17:28,461 --> 00:17:31,021
Oh, so funny. Funny face.

387
00:17:31,021 --> 00:17:33,021
Lovely, really nice.

388
00:17:35,621 --> 00:17:37,141
Oh, my God!

389
00:17:39,781 --> 00:17:41,341
Problem?

390
00:17:41,341 --> 00:17:42,741
Are you Christine?

391
00:17:42,741 --> 00:17:43,861
I am.

392
00:17:43,861 --> 00:17:44,941
I thought so.

393
00:17:44,941 --> 00:17:46,901
How did you know that?  Hmm?

394
00:17:46,901 --> 00:17:50,741
Oh, just people have been
talking about your portrait

395
00:17:50,741 --> 00:17:52,381
and I can see why. It's...

396
00:17:54,101 --> 00:17:56,061
It's very interesting.

397
00:17:56,061 --> 00:17:58,421
I-I-In what way?

398
00:17:58,421 --> 00:18:00,221
Hmm?
SHE CHUCKLES

399
00:18:01,901 --> 00:18:03,261
Because of the...

400
00:18:05,541 --> 00:18:07,101
..hands?

401
00:18:07,101 --> 00:18:08,701
Oh.  Yes.

402
00:18:08,701 --> 00:18:10,541
I understand that they're hard to
do, aren't they?

403
00:18:10,541 --> 00:18:12,421
Hands, are they...

404
00:18:12,421 --> 00:18:14,061
They are.

405
00:18:14,061 --> 00:18:16,541
Christine has been working
very hard.

406
00:18:16,541 --> 00:18:18,301
I think she wants to know

407
00:18:18,301 --> 00:18:20,061
what's unique about her painting.

408
00:18:22,501 --> 00:18:23,621
Well....

409
00:18:26,221 --> 00:18:28,901
Away, man, say it!

410
00:18:30,501 --> 00:18:31,941
HE HESITATES

411
00:18:37,261 --> 00:18:38,461
Mm.

412
00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:42,341
Well, it's got a big old nob.

413
00:18:42,341 --> 00:18:43,741
ALL GASP

414
00:18:43,741 --> 00:18:45,501
Oh!
SHE BURBLES

415
00:18:47,661 --> 00:18:49,501
I thought that's what you meant, no?

416
00:18:52,101 --> 00:18:53,981
What the hell is wrong with you?

417
00:18:53,981 --> 00:18:55,581
What's wrong with ME?

418
00:18:55,581 --> 00:18:56,741
Saying a painting of a dead man

419
00:18:56,741 --> 00:18:57,981
had a big.....penis.

420
00:18:57,981 --> 00:18:59,861
She did give him
a big penis!

421
00:18:59,861 --> 00:19:01,701
You saw she gave him a big penis!

422
00:19:01,701 --> 00:19:04,061
Everyone saw she gave him
a big penis.

423
00:19:04,061 --> 00:19:07,541
Yeah, well, they want you to attend
the committee hearing now.

424
00:19:07,541 --> 00:19:08,781
What?!

425
00:19:08,781 --> 00:19:09,861
Multiple offences.

426
00:19:09,861 --> 00:19:11,141
Multiple.

427
00:19:11,141 --> 00:19:12,261
No.

428
00:19:12,261 --> 00:19:13,581
I've just been here trying
to do my job.

429
00:19:13,581 --> 00:19:17,141
I'm not going to attend some
jumped-up geriatric kangaroo court!

430
00:19:17,141 --> 00:19:18,501
They're connected.

431
00:19:18,501 --> 00:19:21,261
Letters will have gone out
to Hunniford, Rippon, the other one.

432
00:19:21,261 --> 00:19:23,581
There'll be exposes on TV,
the local press.

433
00:19:23,581 --> 00:19:25,461
They've got the town MP
in their pocket!

434
00:19:25,461 --> 00:19:26,661
Oh, God!

435
00:19:26,661 --> 00:19:28,661
HUSHED MURMURING,
PHONE VIBRATES

436
00:19:32,621 --> 00:19:33,941
It's my boss.

437
00:19:33,941 --> 00:19:36,541
He says I've got to attend
the committee meeting!

438
00:19:36,541 --> 00:19:38,541
HE GASPS
Snitches!

439
00:19:40,501 --> 00:19:43,701
They won't stop. Ever.

440
00:19:57,661 --> 00:19:59,901
Anyone in that room
could be the murderer.

441
00:19:59,901 --> 00:20:01,581
Will you just leave me alone?

442
00:20:01,581 --> 00:20:03,861
You've got me in enough trouble!

443
00:20:03,861 --> 00:20:06,501
Christine Kenyon was
a viable suspect.

444
00:20:06,501 --> 00:20:08,101
You saw the painting.

445
00:20:08,101 --> 00:20:09,741
They were clearly lovers!

446
00:20:11,541 --> 00:20:13,261
One last kiss.

447
00:20:13,261 --> 00:20:15,341
CONSPIRATORIAL MUSIC PLAYS

448
00:20:15,341 --> 00:20:17,501
Why a last kiss, my love?

449
00:20:17,501 --> 00:20:20,301
I won't share you, Bill.

450
00:20:20,301 --> 00:20:23,581
If I can't have you, no-one will.

451
00:20:23,581 --> 00:20:25,141
BILL YELLS

452
00:20:27,101 --> 00:20:31,901
Frank - him and Bill had
historical beef going back years.

453
00:20:31,901 --> 00:20:34,661
Mostly cucumber-based, of course.

454
00:20:34,661 --> 00:20:38,021
Well, you're putting something
on them, man! It's unnatural.

455
00:20:38,021 --> 00:20:42,661
You think I'd illegally feed
cucumbers to win a competition?

456
00:20:42,661 --> 00:20:44,341
Oh, Frank, this is madness.

457
00:20:44,341 --> 00:20:46,341
I'll show you madness.

458
00:20:47,461 --> 00:20:48,861
BILL YELLS

459
00:20:50,021 --> 00:20:53,061
Could you just stop?

460
00:20:53,061 --> 00:20:55,021
Maud is an interesting fish.

461
00:20:55,021 --> 00:20:56,541
Hm!  Yeah.

462
00:20:56,541 --> 00:20:58,821
You think Frank
is in charge in that relationship?

463
00:20:58,821 --> 00:21:01,101
Hmm! Think again, my friend.

464
00:21:01,101 --> 00:21:04,101
All I said was,
"Coughing well today, Frank."

465
00:21:04,101 --> 00:21:06,901
You humiliated my man, Bill.

466
00:21:06,901 --> 00:21:08,421
His lungs are bad.

467
00:21:08,421 --> 00:21:10,381
He could use my blue badge.

468
00:21:10,381 --> 00:21:13,501
YOU shouldn't have a blue badge!

469
00:21:13,501 --> 00:21:14,781
BILL YELLS

470
00:21:14,781 --> 00:21:16,781
You do realise
I've stopped listening.

471
00:21:18,141 --> 00:21:19,261
This way, please.

472
00:21:20,261 --> 00:21:21,581
Hat off!

473
00:21:28,061 --> 00:21:31,581
And also, Bill had borrowed
Carol's hedge trimmers.

474
00:21:31,581 --> 00:21:35,181
I think you're sick,
do you know that?

475
00:21:35,181 --> 00:21:36,661
I think you're sick!

476
00:21:40,021 --> 00:21:43,341
OVERLAPPING ARGUMENTS

477
00:21:44,661 --> 00:21:46,301
It was a big knob!

478
00:21:46,301 --> 00:21:47,661
OVERLAPPING ARGUMENTS

479
00:21:47,661 --> 00:21:49,461
And he looks like a fat...

480
00:21:59,141 --> 00:22:02,421
The Suite For Jazz Orchestra
No. 2 by Dmitri Shostakovich

481
00:22:12,941 --> 00:22:14,821
The committee's let you stay, then?

482
00:22:14,821 --> 00:22:17,541
It's ridiculous,
they've put me on a...

483
00:22:17,541 --> 00:22:19,261
Red card warning, yeah.

484
00:22:19,261 --> 00:22:21,021
OK. Well, you know,
keep the head down.

485
00:22:21,021 --> 00:22:23,021
You can clean again after
this last dance.

486
00:22:23,021 --> 00:22:26,181
And, please, just don't upset
any more of them. Yeah?

487
00:22:26,181 --> 00:22:27,741
It is a nightmare, this place.

488
00:22:27,741 --> 00:22:29,461
I'm never retiring. Never!

489
00:22:29,461 --> 00:22:31,661
Yeah, I told you.
I tried to tell you.

490
00:22:31,661 --> 00:22:33,181
THUD!
STRANGLED SCREAM

491
00:22:33,181 --> 00:22:35,661
Oh, Jesus! Maud's fallen again.

492
00:22:35,661 --> 00:22:37,301
Could be another
Health and Safety Tribunal.

493
00:22:37,301 --> 00:22:38,341
Ha-ha, fuck!

494
00:22:41,301 --> 00:22:43,421
Tail between your legs?

495
00:22:43,421 --> 00:22:45,381
I run the Ballroom Follies, too.

496
00:22:45,381 --> 00:22:47,021
All right. Well, don't worry,

497
00:22:47,021 --> 00:22:49,181
I'm not going near it
till you've finished.

498
00:22:49,181 --> 00:22:50,541
You've booked the space, I know.

499
00:22:50,541 --> 00:22:52,421
No, no, it's not that.

500
00:22:52,421 --> 00:22:57,541
One of our dancers is without their
partner today, they're in hospital.

501
00:22:57,541 --> 00:23:00,421
Wondered if you might
step in for the last waltz.

502
00:23:00,421 --> 00:23:02,061
Absolutely not.

503
00:23:02,061 --> 00:23:04,141
No. I'm cleaning and I'm leaving.

504
00:23:04,141 --> 00:23:06,741
Look, you mean well.

505
00:23:06,741 --> 00:23:08,861
I saw that in the sing-along group.

506
00:23:08,861 --> 00:23:11,741
I'm asking for an act of compassion.
HE SIGHS

507
00:23:11,741 --> 00:23:14,461
Some things are bigger
than your problems, young man.

508
00:23:16,181 --> 00:23:17,541
All right, one dance.

509
00:23:17,541 --> 00:23:18,861
Where is she?

510
00:23:18,861 --> 00:23:20,021
She?

511
00:23:35,501 --> 00:23:36,701
HE SIGHS

512
00:23:43,101 --> 00:23:46,021
You've had quite the day,
haven't you?

513
00:23:46,021 --> 00:23:49,181
I'm beginning to think this is some
sort of cheese dream, to be honest.

514
00:23:49,181 --> 00:23:52,341
I thought retirement was
supposed to be peaceful.

515
00:23:52,341 --> 00:23:56,181
This is just a load of
spiteful overgrown children,

516
00:23:56,181 --> 00:24:00,621
petty recriminations,
murder conspiracy theories.

517
00:24:00,621 --> 00:24:01,821
Pauline.

518
00:24:01,821 --> 00:24:04,501
Before she discovered the centre,

519
00:24:04,501 --> 00:24:07,061
Pauline spent most of her days
at home in front of the telly.

520
00:24:07,061 --> 00:24:08,181
HE SCOFFS

521
00:24:08,181 --> 00:24:10,581
No-one murdered Bill,
for God's sake!

522
00:24:10,581 --> 00:24:14,261
No, but it's nice to see
a fertile imagination

523
00:24:14,261 --> 00:24:15,661
having a run out, isn't it?

524
00:24:15,661 --> 00:24:17,061
Well...

525
00:24:17,061 --> 00:24:20,341
I don't think you've quite got
the measure of this place, have you?

526
00:24:21,501 --> 00:24:23,221
You see Frank?

527
00:24:23,221 --> 00:24:25,341
Old bad legs? Yeah.

528
00:24:25,341 --> 00:24:27,141
Used to be a pilot.

529
00:24:27,141 --> 00:24:33,541
Oh.  And Christine over there
ran an emergency ward for 30 years.

530
00:24:34,741 --> 00:24:36,261
You get my point?

531
00:24:36,261 --> 00:24:38,501
I'm afraid I haven't got a clue
what you're talking about.

532
00:24:38,501 --> 00:24:40,981
Where does all that energy go?

533
00:24:40,981 --> 00:24:43,901
Where's that sense of purpose?

534
00:24:43,901 --> 00:24:50,141
It's here, in this wonderful,
wonderful place.

535
00:24:50,141 --> 00:24:52,861
Then why does everyone seem
so unhappy?

536
00:24:52,861 --> 00:24:54,261
MUFFLED CHATTER

537
00:24:54,261 --> 00:24:55,741
Oh, look again.

538
00:25:00,421 --> 00:25:03,581
INAUDIBLE

539
00:25:25,861 --> 00:25:28,221
You know, you're a terrible dancer.

540
00:25:28,221 --> 00:25:30,341
But I wish I'd given you
a whirl around myself.

541
00:25:31,501 --> 00:25:33,021
Best not.

542
00:25:33,021 --> 00:25:34,421
I'm a pervert.

543
00:25:34,421 --> 00:25:35,741
Who says I'm not?

544
00:25:37,501 --> 00:25:38,741
Oh.

545
00:25:46,221 --> 00:25:48,501
BUSY CHATTER

546
00:26:00,381 --> 00:26:02,781
OVERLAPPING COMPLAINTS

547
00:26:04,581 --> 00:26:05,741
HE SIGHS

548
00:26:15,421 --> 00:26:17,021
Argh!

549
00:26:32,501 --> 00:26:33,901
Fair enough.

550
00:26:33,901 --> 00:26:35,141
Rules are rules.

551
00:26:38,381 --> 00:26:39,661
See you now. Bye.

552
00:26:48,541 --> 00:26:49,661
It's ridiculous.

553
00:26:49,661 --> 00:26:51,021
It should be in the budget!

554
00:26:51,021 --> 00:26:53,621
Blu-Tack for mucky fingers will
have to come from your subscription.

555
00:26:53,621 --> 00:26:55,781
Well, I think our fees for the
space should cover more than that,

556
00:26:55,781 --> 00:26:57,581
thank you very much!
Bill, I have a lot on...

557
00:26:57,581 --> 00:26:58,861
Does the committee know about this?

558
00:26:58,861 --> 00:27:00,621
I think the committee would be
very interested

559
00:27:00,621 --> 00:27:03,181
in where that money is going.

560
00:27:03,181 --> 00:27:04,421
You're not suggesting...

561
00:27:04,421 --> 00:27:06,261
And people have noticed you
running around

562
00:27:06,261 --> 00:27:10,501
in a rather nice NEW Citroen Saxo.

563
00:27:10,501 --> 00:27:13,061
How dare you!

564
00:27:14,901 --> 00:27:16,541
SHE GRUNTS,
HE YELLS

565
00:27:18,261 --> 00:27:20,581
Oh!
THUD!

566
00:27:30,021 --> 00:27:33,741
Pack Up Your Troubles In Your
Old Kitbag And Smile, Smile, Smile
by George Powell & Felix Powell

567
00:27:33,741 --> 00:27:37,141
in your old kitbag

568
00:27:40,261 --> 00:27:44,221
to light your fag

569
00:27:54,141 --> 00:27:58,061
in your old kitbag