1 00:00:11,061 --> 00:00:12,341 CATTLE GRID RATTLES 2 00:00:12,341 --> 00:00:13,501 Shit! 3 00:00:13,501 --> 00:00:17,141 ENGINE SPUTTERS 4 00:00:19,861 --> 00:00:21,421 ENGINE STOPS 5 00:00:27,901 --> 00:00:31,461 Now, then, I shall need this van moved immediately. 6 00:00:31,461 --> 00:00:34,701 Yeah, sorry. I think I must have hit something on the cattle grid. 7 00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:37,901 I can't have a smoking vehicle on the driveway. 8 00:00:37,901 --> 00:00:39,301 And you are? 9 00:00:39,301 --> 00:00:43,741 Sorry. I'm the cleaner. I'm Wicky. The police sent me. 10 00:00:43,741 --> 00:00:46,461 Very good. Now, first things first, 11 00:00:46,461 --> 00:00:48,461 take this round to the garage at the back. 12 00:00:48,461 --> 00:00:50,541 I think I'm going to have to get the roadside assistance out 13 00:00:50,541 --> 00:00:51,781 or something, you know? 14 00:00:51,781 --> 00:00:54,021 After I've signed up for one and pretended it's just happened. 15 00:00:54,021 --> 00:00:55,421 You know what I'm... 16 00:00:55,421 --> 00:00:58,341 No. There's no need! Jibbers will take care of it for you. 17 00:00:58,341 --> 00:01:01,621 He's quite capable. He's looked after all our cars for years. 18 00:01:01,621 --> 00:01:04,541 Oh. I'll take the van round to Jibbers. 19 00:01:04,541 --> 00:01:06,061 Sorry, you are...? 20 00:01:08,341 --> 00:01:10,941 I'm Mrs Barton. The housekeeper. 21 00:01:12,221 --> 00:01:13,741 You run this whole place?! 22 00:01:13,741 --> 00:01:15,781 Oh, yes. You don't look old enough. 23 00:01:15,781 --> 00:01:17,541 I took over from my mother, 24 00:01:17,541 --> 00:01:21,941 and I can assure you that I follow her same exacting standards. 25 00:01:21,941 --> 00:01:24,301 Well, I'm sure she feels very proud. 26 00:01:24,301 --> 00:01:25,661 She feels nothing at all. 27 00:01:25,661 --> 00:01:28,541 Her neck was snapped when she fell from a stallion. 28 00:01:28,541 --> 00:01:30,501 Now, the job itself is over here. 29 00:01:47,341 --> 00:01:49,941 Blimey. Someone took a tumble. 30 00:01:49,941 --> 00:01:51,301 The estate agent. 31 00:01:51,301 --> 00:01:54,581 Ah, the old bad suit and pointy shoe brigade, eh? 32 00:01:54,581 --> 00:01:59,301 Mm-hm. Clumsy oaf fell out of a window during a valuation. 33 00:01:59,301 --> 00:02:01,301 He's quite dead, of course. 34 00:02:01,301 --> 00:02:03,101 Of course. Poor thing. 35 00:02:04,461 --> 00:02:07,661 Hey, how much is the place, then? I'm looking for a weekend gaff. 36 00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:10,941 He was conducting a valuation for tax purposes only. 37 00:02:10,941 --> 00:02:12,781 Rosewood Hall is not for sale. 38 00:02:12,781 --> 00:02:14,181 Madam, fear not. 39 00:02:14,181 --> 00:02:16,301 I was recently told I had insufficient funds 40 00:02:16,301 --> 00:02:18,021 when I attempted to purchase... 41 00:02:19,021 --> 00:02:20,581 ..bacon. 42 00:02:20,581 --> 00:02:21,941 Oh, you were joking. 43 00:02:21,941 --> 00:02:24,061 Well, Lady Rice-Phillips will not share your humour - 44 00:02:24,061 --> 00:02:26,141 she has very little time for tradesmen. 45 00:02:26,141 --> 00:02:27,901 Oh. 46 00:02:27,901 --> 00:02:30,581 Hey, I've never met a lady of the manor before. Is she in? 47 00:02:30,581 --> 00:02:33,981 She's returning tonight after vacationing in Provence. 48 00:02:33,981 --> 00:02:37,301 We are having a very distinguished guest to dinner. Hm! 49 00:02:37,301 --> 00:02:40,141 I presume you'll need water, so I'll bring a bucket out. 50 00:02:40,141 --> 00:02:41,181 M'lady. 51 00:02:42,981 --> 00:02:45,181 You'll enjoy elevenses? 52 00:02:45,181 --> 00:02:47,301 Will I? Hot scones, tea, fresh cream. 53 00:02:47,301 --> 00:02:49,781 Then I shall enjoy elevenses very much! 54 00:02:49,781 --> 00:02:51,661 I shan't refuse tenses. 55 00:02:51,661 --> 00:02:53,581 I'm not going to knock nineses out of your hand. 56 00:02:53,581 --> 00:02:55,821 Right, I'll have Tippy bring it out to you. 57 00:02:55,821 --> 00:02:57,981 Now, pay no heed to her shyness, 58 00:02:57,981 --> 00:03:01,541 I fear the girl was kicked in the head by a horse as an infant. 59 00:03:01,541 --> 00:03:04,101 Then Tippy and I will get on famously. 60 00:03:04,101 --> 00:03:06,581 A pony once tried to bite my tit off. 61 00:03:09,421 --> 00:03:11,261 I'll take the van rounds to Jibbers. 62 00:03:24,061 --> 00:03:25,621 Jibbers? 63 00:03:29,941 --> 00:03:31,541 HE COUGHS 64 00:03:36,981 --> 00:03:39,901 OK, Mr Estate Agent, let's get you cleaned up. 65 00:03:43,901 --> 00:03:46,261 Why do they wear these pointy shoes? 66 00:04:20,661 --> 00:04:22,501 Oh! 67 00:04:22,501 --> 00:04:23,821 Are you Tippy? 68 00:04:23,821 --> 00:04:25,101 CHILDLIKE VOICE: Ye...yes, sir. 69 00:04:25,101 --> 00:04:27,981 Can't stop - Cook needs me in t'kitchen. 70 00:04:27,981 --> 00:04:30,981 Bye-bye! Enjoy your scone! 71 00:04:30,981 --> 00:04:32,701 Bloody hell. 72 00:04:32,701 --> 00:04:36,061 That's not a scone, Tippy, it's eczema. 73 00:04:36,061 --> 00:04:37,221 HE GAGS 74 00:04:47,181 --> 00:04:49,701 OFF-SCREEN: Oi, where have you been? 75 00:04:49,701 --> 00:04:54,181 I'm sorry, Cook. Mrs Barton wanted me to take scones to the man. 76 00:04:54,181 --> 00:04:56,381 Mrs Barton will be first to complain 77 00:04:56,381 --> 00:04:59,341 if there's not food on t'table tonight. 78 00:04:59,341 --> 00:05:02,781 So get yourself over to that soup and keep it moving, 79 00:05:02,781 --> 00:05:05,341 cos if it burns it'll all be for t'sink. 80 00:05:05,341 --> 00:05:06,661 Yes, Cook. CLATTERING 81 00:05:06,661 --> 00:05:08,661 And concentrate, girl! 82 00:05:08,661 --> 00:05:11,181 You've the attention span of a bloody moth. 83 00:05:11,181 --> 00:05:12,861 Poor little moth girl! SIZZLING 84 00:05:12,861 --> 00:05:15,901 Ow! You burned my hand on the ladle! 85 00:05:15,901 --> 00:05:17,021 HE GASPS 86 00:05:17,021 --> 00:05:18,581 Cook's a monster! 87 00:05:18,581 --> 00:05:21,701 You get out my kitchen, you great big wobble. 88 00:05:21,701 --> 00:05:24,541 You're mean to me! WHIMPERING 89 00:05:24,541 --> 00:05:26,741 Hey! You get back here! 90 00:05:28,781 --> 00:05:29,821 Hello? 91 00:05:31,581 --> 00:05:33,301 I just needed some water. 92 00:05:38,421 --> 00:05:40,301 Huh. Guess I'll get it myself, then. 93 00:05:46,101 --> 00:05:48,621 OFF-SCREEN: Oh, I've heard all about your prize cow, John, 94 00:05:48,621 --> 00:05:51,181 but it's rabbits for dinner Cook needs. 95 00:05:51,181 --> 00:05:55,661 We have very important mouths to feed, as well you know. 96 00:05:55,661 --> 00:05:57,781 No, listen! John! 97 00:05:57,781 --> 00:06:01,421 I've been waiting to hear the sound of a gunshot all morning. 98 00:06:01,421 --> 00:06:03,981 Yes, I hear what you're saying but... 99 00:06:03,981 --> 00:06:06,101 SHE CLICKS HER FINGERS 100 00:06:06,101 --> 00:06:09,141 Don't start blabbering on about what a good shot you are, man. 101 00:06:09,141 --> 00:06:10,501 You've the wrong audience for that. 102 00:06:10,501 --> 00:06:12,461 Save that for your cross-eyed friends at the pub. 103 00:06:12,461 --> 00:06:13,781 Thank you! 104 00:06:13,781 --> 00:06:17,221 Oh, John Church, our gamekeeper, spends his days murdering wildlife 105 00:06:17,221 --> 00:06:19,421 except for when I actually need him to. 106 00:06:19,421 --> 00:06:21,421 Oh! He sounds delightful. 107 00:06:21,421 --> 00:06:23,301 How far off are you? I'm nearly done. 108 00:06:23,301 --> 00:06:25,021 I just need to get the blood off the windowsill 109 00:06:25,021 --> 00:06:26,941 upstairs in the bedroom... NO! 110 00:06:26,941 --> 00:06:28,101 No? 111 00:06:28,101 --> 00:06:30,901 That is her ladyship's personal bedroom 112 00:06:30,901 --> 00:06:33,301 and she wouldn't thank me for sending a man in there 113 00:06:33,301 --> 00:06:34,981 to snoop around in it. 114 00:06:34,981 --> 00:06:36,341 Good day. 115 00:06:36,341 --> 00:06:37,501 Oh! 116 00:06:38,621 --> 00:06:40,181 Oh, OK. 117 00:06:41,341 --> 00:06:43,421 If you're looking for an emotional goodbye, 118 00:06:43,421 --> 00:06:45,701 then I'm afraid you've come to the wrong place. 119 00:06:45,701 --> 00:06:48,661 I didn't shed so much as a tear when my own father died. 120 00:06:48,661 --> 00:06:50,621 Or my mother. 121 00:06:50,621 --> 00:06:53,101 She was a brutal woman and he was a drunk. 122 00:06:54,261 --> 00:06:55,741 Good day. 123 00:07:08,501 --> 00:07:09,821 HE SIGHS 124 00:07:16,341 --> 00:07:18,141 CLANGING 125 00:07:18,141 --> 00:07:19,621 ENGINE FIZZES AND HISSES 126 00:07:19,621 --> 00:07:22,221 Bleeding hell! Who gave this an MOT?! 127 00:07:22,221 --> 00:07:25,021 CLANGING The state of this. 128 00:07:25,021 --> 00:07:27,181 What the hell?! Bastard! 129 00:07:27,181 --> 00:07:30,101 Jibbers! What have you done? It's ruined! 130 00:07:30,101 --> 00:07:31,541 Oh! Get lost! 131 00:07:31,541 --> 00:07:33,621 Tell me to get lost, you've wrecked my van! 132 00:07:33,621 --> 00:07:34,701 Get lost! 133 00:07:34,701 --> 00:07:38,261 Well, the Ricey lady is paying for this! I'll tell you that much! So... 134 00:07:43,821 --> 00:07:45,021 Right... 135 00:07:52,261 --> 00:07:54,301 Right, Jibbers has totally f... 136 00:07:59,261 --> 00:08:01,621 SCRAPING AND HEAVY FOOTSTEPS 137 00:08:08,101 --> 00:08:09,621 Hello? 138 00:08:15,661 --> 00:08:17,861 WIND WHISTLES 139 00:08:29,701 --> 00:08:31,781 Eh? I thought she was on holiday. 140 00:08:36,061 --> 00:08:37,501 Fu... 141 00:08:53,021 --> 00:08:55,301 CHILDLIKE VOICE: You shouldn't ought to be in here. 142 00:08:56,421 --> 00:08:57,701 Tippy? 143 00:09:09,181 --> 00:09:13,501 Now, I'm supposed to be in the kitchen preparing the rabbit. 144 00:09:13,501 --> 00:09:16,821 Holy shit! 145 00:09:16,821 --> 00:09:18,301 You're... 146 00:09:18,301 --> 00:09:20,141 ..and... 147 00:09:20,141 --> 00:09:24,461 This is Lady Rice-Phillips's personal chambers. 148 00:09:24,461 --> 00:09:27,421 And Mrs Barton says that being in here 149 00:09:27,421 --> 00:09:31,821 is like sniffing a ladies undergarments. It's private! 150 00:09:31,821 --> 00:09:33,661 Oh. Well, that's fine... 151 00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:39,021 ..because I've finished my work now and I'm going to go. 152 00:09:39,021 --> 00:09:42,501 Cos my girlfriend's taking me to 153 00:09:42,501 --> 00:09:44,981 a beeeeef... 154 00:09:44,981 --> 00:09:47,941 A beef? What's a beef? 155 00:09:47,941 --> 00:09:51,421 You know the beef...dance? 156 00:09:51,421 --> 00:09:52,541 A beef dance? 157 00:09:52,541 --> 00:09:54,301 Yeah, it's.... 158 00:09:54,301 --> 00:09:56,021 Now, how will you get home? 159 00:09:56,021 --> 00:10:00,501 Jibbers told me that he's having terrible trouble with your car. 160 00:10:00,501 --> 00:10:03,221 He said, "All its guts have come out." 161 00:10:03,221 --> 00:10:05,061 Aw. HE CHUCKLES 162 00:10:05,061 --> 00:10:06,341 I'm going to walk. 163 00:10:06,341 --> 00:10:08,581 It's 13 miles to the nearest town, you know. 164 00:10:08,581 --> 00:10:09,861 Oh, bollocks. Is it? 165 00:10:09,861 --> 00:10:13,861 Oh, yes. I do it every Thursday to get spices and whatnot for Cook 166 00:10:13,861 --> 00:10:16,461 and I have to do toilet in a hedge. 167 00:10:16,461 --> 00:10:17,901 Oh. 168 00:10:19,141 --> 00:10:20,861 They don't take you in the car, no? 169 00:10:20,861 --> 00:10:22,221 The one in the garage? 170 00:10:22,221 --> 00:10:27,501 No, no. Mrs Barton said that the big car is just for Lady Rice. 171 00:10:27,501 --> 00:10:30,421 Jibbers keeps the keys safe in his garage. 172 00:10:30,421 --> 00:10:33,461 Well, I'm going to walk and do toilet in a hedge. Bye. 173 00:10:33,461 --> 00:10:38,261 Now, Mrs Barton will want to check your work before you leave, 174 00:10:38,261 --> 00:10:42,661 and she has very exacting standards. 175 00:10:45,381 --> 00:10:47,181 Yeah. 176 00:10:47,181 --> 00:10:48,861 I know. 177 00:10:48,861 --> 00:10:51,781 And that's why she's not going to be very pleased with you. 178 00:10:53,061 --> 00:10:54,581 What? 179 00:10:54,581 --> 00:10:57,141 Look at the state of that... 180 00:10:59,941 --> 00:11:01,141 ..bed? 181 00:11:01,141 --> 00:11:02,781 What, why? 182 00:11:02,781 --> 00:11:05,541 Oh, the corners aren't turned down. Oh, no. 183 00:11:05,541 --> 00:11:07,501 Oh, no. Oh, I'm sorry. 184 00:11:07,501 --> 00:11:09,741 I won't tell her, though. Sorry. 185 00:11:27,861 --> 00:11:29,221 Whoa. 186 00:11:33,261 --> 00:11:35,341 Where would Jibbers keep keys? 187 00:11:37,501 --> 00:11:40,301 Look behind the curtain, Dorothy! There is no Jibbers! 188 00:11:43,181 --> 00:11:46,981 Ah! Jibbers, you imaginary prick. 189 00:12:22,701 --> 00:12:27,381 My name is John Church and while I'm gamekeeper here, 190 00:12:27,381 --> 00:12:30,501 no thief will leave the grounds alive. 191 00:12:30,501 --> 00:12:32,301 Shit in my hand! 192 00:12:34,581 --> 00:12:36,021 I was only borrowing it. 193 00:12:36,021 --> 00:12:37,341 I was going to bring it back. 194 00:12:37,341 --> 00:12:40,261 Yeah? And if crows can nest in Buckingham Palace, 195 00:12:40,261 --> 00:12:41,901 they'd eat pearl instead of seed. 196 00:12:41,901 --> 00:12:44,821 Oh, yeah, cos that makes sense, doesn't it? You sick fuck! 197 00:12:48,461 --> 00:12:50,461 Right, down. 198 00:12:50,461 --> 00:12:52,661 Now, Mrs Barton will not take kindly 199 00:12:52,661 --> 00:12:55,341 to there being a common thief in the grounds. 200 00:12:55,341 --> 00:12:58,421 Look, I don't know what's going on here. 201 00:12:58,421 --> 00:13:03,861 You save it! She'll deal with you when she's good and ready. 202 00:13:03,861 --> 00:13:06,061 Or I will. 203 00:13:06,061 --> 00:13:08,621 THEY GRUNT 204 00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:11,701 THEY CHUCKLE 205 00:13:11,701 --> 00:13:13,061 THEY GIGGLE 206 00:13:21,861 --> 00:13:23,221 HE TAPS THE SWITCHHOOK 207 00:13:23,221 --> 00:13:25,741 Gah! Of course it's dead. 208 00:13:34,461 --> 00:13:37,261 Argh! Argh! 209 00:13:39,981 --> 00:13:43,221 Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh! 210 00:13:44,701 --> 00:13:46,621 Damn you, Burger King! 211 00:13:46,621 --> 00:13:48,701 Damn you to hell! 212 00:13:48,701 --> 00:13:49,821 Ugh! 213 00:13:52,101 --> 00:13:54,461 AS TIPPY: What'll happen to him, Mrs Barton? 214 00:13:54,461 --> 00:13:56,061 I don't think he meant any harm. 215 00:13:56,061 --> 00:13:57,741 AS MRS BARTON: Oh, turned your head, did he? 216 00:13:57,741 --> 00:14:00,381 You'd do well to take this as a life lesson, young lady. 217 00:14:00,381 --> 00:14:03,221 Or would you like to end up heavily pregnant? Hmm? 218 00:14:03,221 --> 00:14:06,301 The spawn of an outsized hoodlum growing within you? 219 00:14:06,301 --> 00:14:08,501 AS COOK: She couldn't care for a littl'un! 220 00:14:08,501 --> 00:14:10,581 She's had only brains she were born with 221 00:14:10,581 --> 00:14:12,581 hoofed from her head by Mr Pickles. 222 00:14:12,581 --> 00:14:15,301 AS TIPPY: Why's she always so mean to me? 223 00:14:15,301 --> 00:14:17,261 AS MRS BARTON: Lady Rice-Phillips is due any time 224 00:14:17,261 --> 00:14:20,061 and she does not want to witness two northern cats brawling, 225 00:14:20,061 --> 00:14:22,461 especially with Lord Palmeston's visit. 226 00:14:22,461 --> 00:14:23,541 DOOR OPENS 227 00:14:27,101 --> 00:14:29,221 AS MRS BARTON: Well, well, well. 228 00:14:29,221 --> 00:14:31,541 This is quite the state of affairs, isn't it? 229 00:14:31,541 --> 00:14:32,781 You're telling me! 230 00:14:32,781 --> 00:14:35,741 Look, I was only borrowing the car! 231 00:14:35,741 --> 00:14:37,861 And it was wrong, I'm sorry. 232 00:14:37,861 --> 00:14:39,581 OK? Let me go. I'll walk home 233 00:14:39,581 --> 00:14:42,021 and I will never come back, all right? 234 00:14:42,021 --> 00:14:45,461 You just be thankful I didn't let John Church dispense justice! 235 00:14:45,461 --> 00:14:49,381 Yes, I suppose I should be thankful that I'm not being held captive 236 00:14:49,381 --> 00:14:52,901 by someone who's howling fucking mad! 237 00:14:52,901 --> 00:14:54,341 Huh! You...! 238 00:14:54,341 --> 00:14:57,061 Now, you pay no attention to him, John. 239 00:14:57,061 --> 00:14:59,581 The criminal mind is a cauldron of rage. 240 00:15:02,901 --> 00:15:05,621 AS JOHN CHURCH: I'll happily deal with him, ma'am. 241 00:15:05,621 --> 00:15:07,101 AS MRS BARTON: No, no, no, no, no. 242 00:15:07,101 --> 00:15:09,621 There's no need for extreme measures, John. 243 00:15:09,621 --> 00:15:11,181 Not yet, anyway. 244 00:15:13,821 --> 00:15:17,741 She's here, she's here! Woo! 245 00:15:24,021 --> 00:15:25,781 Let me out! 246 00:15:25,781 --> 00:15:28,661 Let me out, you fucking nutter! 247 00:15:28,661 --> 00:15:29,701 Eurgh! 248 00:15:29,701 --> 00:15:31,021 AS MRS BARTON: Lady Rice-Phillips, 249 00:15:31,021 --> 00:15:33,261 may I be the first to welcome you back to Rosewood Hall. 250 00:15:33,261 --> 00:15:37,141 LADY RICE-PHILLIPS: Ah. I take it Viscount Palmeston has confirmed? 251 00:15:37,141 --> 00:15:39,061 MRS BARTON: Oh, yes, indeed, ma'am. 252 00:15:39,061 --> 00:15:42,301 LADY RICE-PHILLIPS: Good. We have matters to discuss. 253 00:15:42,301 --> 00:15:43,621 BANGING ON DOOR 254 00:15:45,701 --> 00:15:49,141 AS MRS BARTON: What is all this fuss in here? I don't have time for... 255 00:15:51,981 --> 00:15:54,301 IN POSH VOICE: Good day to you. 256 00:15:56,781 --> 00:15:59,381 Where did you get that hat? 257 00:15:59,381 --> 00:16:01,701 Where did I get my own hat? 258 00:16:01,701 --> 00:16:03,621 Why, from, er... 259 00:16:03,621 --> 00:16:05,061 ..from my own home! 260 00:16:06,661 --> 00:16:08,221 From your home? 261 00:16:10,341 --> 00:16:14,421 Do you not recognise me, Mrs Barton? 262 00:16:14,421 --> 00:16:19,101 It has been a few years, but I would have thought that... 263 00:16:20,341 --> 00:16:25,061 ..Viscount Palmeston would not be a total stranger. 264 00:16:31,181 --> 00:16:32,221 SHE GASPS 265 00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:36,581 Ooh, Meirion! 266 00:16:36,581 --> 00:16:37,741 Meirion?! 267 00:16:39,141 --> 00:16:40,501 That's my first name?! 268 00:16:40,501 --> 00:16:41,781 Yeah, er... 269 00:16:41,781 --> 00:16:46,541 Yes, it is I - Meirion. 270 00:16:56,901 --> 00:16:58,941 But what were you doing in there? 271 00:16:58,941 --> 00:17:01,061 We had a petty criminal locked in! 272 00:17:01,061 --> 00:17:04,381 Yes, I saw the braggard leap through the window. 273 00:17:04,381 --> 00:17:09,101 Naturally, I followed through to see if he had stolen any antiquities. 274 00:17:09,101 --> 00:17:11,661 Through the window?! That seems impossible. 275 00:17:11,661 --> 00:17:13,461 He was grossly overweight. 276 00:17:14,741 --> 00:17:16,741 He was perhaps a little rotund. 277 00:17:16,741 --> 00:17:19,661 Oh, Meirion, he was grotesque. 278 00:17:19,661 --> 00:17:21,741 Hugely tall, but terribly unfit. 279 00:17:21,741 --> 00:17:23,061 He can't have gone far. 280 00:17:23,061 --> 00:17:25,781 Well, you say that, but I did see him run away 281 00:17:25,781 --> 00:17:27,621 and he was fair like an Olympic sprinter, 282 00:17:27,621 --> 00:17:30,701 so perhaps one shouldn't be quite so quick to judge. 283 00:17:30,701 --> 00:17:32,861 He really was... He was quite fast. 284 00:17:32,861 --> 00:17:35,781 The important thing is you're here. 285 00:17:35,781 --> 00:17:38,701 Lady Rice is so looking forward to seeing you. 286 00:17:38,701 --> 00:17:41,261 Yes, I just need to pop to my car. 287 00:17:42,301 --> 00:17:43,541 But, why? 288 00:17:46,421 --> 00:17:48,701 I wish to get my pipe. 289 00:17:48,701 --> 00:17:51,701 You don't smoke a pipe, Meirion. 290 00:17:51,701 --> 00:17:54,061 No. No, I don't. 291 00:17:54,061 --> 00:17:57,541 It is not a smoking pipe I wish to get, it is... 292 00:17:57,541 --> 00:18:00,261 ..a horn. A horn?! 293 00:18:00,261 --> 00:18:01,901 Yes. 294 00:18:01,901 --> 00:18:06,021 An alpine horn from my travels in the... 295 00:18:06,021 --> 00:18:07,381 ..Alpine. 296 00:18:07,381 --> 00:18:09,661 I shall be playing for Lady Rice, so... 297 00:18:09,661 --> 00:18:12,061 Oh, wow. You're very cultured! DOOR RATTLES 298 00:18:12,061 --> 00:18:15,901 But I'm afraid for your safety I've locked all the doors and windows. 299 00:18:15,901 --> 00:18:17,981 What? Why?! 300 00:18:17,981 --> 00:18:21,661 Oh, yes, and Tippy took the cad's phone, so he will return, 301 00:18:21,661 --> 00:18:24,381 but John Church will take care of him. 302 00:18:24,381 --> 00:18:27,461 He's been told to maim on sight. 303 00:18:27,461 --> 00:18:30,861 Now, the Lady will be down imminently. 304 00:18:30,861 --> 00:18:32,981 Wait till you see what Cook's done. 305 00:18:32,981 --> 00:18:34,941 She's made your favourite - 306 00:18:34,941 --> 00:18:36,541 battered rabbit. 307 00:18:39,061 --> 00:18:41,101 The fuck?! 308 00:18:41,101 --> 00:18:44,301 Seriously, I really would like to speak to Tippy, if I may? 309 00:18:44,301 --> 00:18:45,781 BELL TINKLES 310 00:18:45,781 --> 00:18:48,501 Oh! The lady is ready! 311 00:18:48,501 --> 00:18:50,781 Now, I hear that you two 312 00:18:50,781 --> 00:18:54,581 have matters of great importance to discuss! 313 00:18:54,581 --> 00:18:57,061 Yes, but before you go, before you go, 314 00:18:57,061 --> 00:18:59,421 I would just like to speak to Tippy. 315 00:18:59,421 --> 00:19:01,021 Heed my cry! 316 00:19:01,021 --> 00:19:02,461 HEED MY CRY! 317 00:19:03,781 --> 00:19:04,941 HE GRUNTS 318 00:19:10,541 --> 00:19:12,381 HE WHIMPERS 319 00:19:16,021 --> 00:19:19,901 OFF-SCREEN: Distinguished guests, Rosewood Hall is delighted 320 00:19:19,901 --> 00:19:24,261 for you to welcome your host for this most special of evenings - 321 00:19:24,261 --> 00:19:26,141 Lady Rice-Phillips. 322 00:19:26,141 --> 00:19:31,741 MUSIC: Duo Des Fleurs by Leo Delibes 323 00:19:31,741 --> 00:19:35,061 Oh, my fucking God. 324 00:19:36,261 --> 00:19:39,821 # Ah, la-la-la 325 00:19:39,821 --> 00:19:43,541 # Dah, da-la-la 326 00:19:43,541 --> 00:19:48,381 # Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo 327 00:19:48,381 --> 00:19:50,101 # Da-da-da 328 00:19:50,101 --> 00:19:52,541 # Ooh, doo-doo-doo. # 329 00:19:52,541 --> 00:19:54,421 Oh, Meirion. 330 00:19:54,421 --> 00:20:00,461 France was so cold without you there to warm our spirits. 331 00:20:00,461 --> 00:20:02,981 SHE GIGGLES 332 00:20:02,981 --> 00:20:04,661 Look! 333 00:20:04,661 --> 00:20:07,181 We really have got to talk. 334 00:20:07,181 --> 00:20:09,101 You know fine well, Meirion, 335 00:20:09,101 --> 00:20:12,981 that we have matters of great importance to discuss, 336 00:20:12,981 --> 00:20:16,701 but not in front of the staff. 337 00:20:16,701 --> 00:20:21,341 No, they do not share our intellectual capabilities. 338 00:20:21,341 --> 00:20:24,581 Now, you must be famished. 339 00:20:24,581 --> 00:20:26,021 I shouldn't ruin the surprise, 340 00:20:26,021 --> 00:20:28,381 but I've heard that cook has prepared... 341 00:20:28,381 --> 00:20:30,701 Yeah, she's battered a fucking rabbit. I've seen it. 342 00:20:30,701 --> 00:20:33,701 Oh! Naughty Merion! 343 00:20:35,701 --> 00:20:36,861 Shall we? 344 00:20:38,861 --> 00:20:42,461 All right. You want to get crazy? 345 00:20:42,461 --> 00:20:43,941 Let's get crazy. 346 00:20:43,941 --> 00:20:45,981 Oh! 347 00:20:45,981 --> 00:20:50,461 # La, la-la-la, da-da-da. # 348 00:20:51,821 --> 00:20:53,661 MUSIC: Duo Des Fleurs by Leo Delibes 349 00:20:53,661 --> 00:20:56,181 # Suivons le courant fuyant 350 00:20:56,181 --> 00:21:03,141 # Dans l'onde fremissante 351 00:21:03,141 --> 00:21:09,781 # D'une main nonchalante. # 352 00:21:09,781 --> 00:21:13,821 Oh, Meirion, what is that scent? 353 00:21:13,821 --> 00:21:16,941 You smell as divine as ever. 354 00:21:16,941 --> 00:21:19,661 It's a mixture of Lynx and fear. 355 00:21:19,661 --> 00:21:24,021 Oh. Look, what do you want? 356 00:21:24,021 --> 00:21:26,541 Oh, Meirion. 357 00:21:26,541 --> 00:21:28,901 It shames me to say this but... 358 00:21:29,901 --> 00:21:32,741 ..I am bankrupted. 359 00:21:32,741 --> 00:21:37,341 I need your help to save my beloved Rosewood Hall. 360 00:21:37,341 --> 00:21:40,661 Now, what I want is a union 361 00:21:40,661 --> 00:21:43,301 betwixt our two great houses. 362 00:21:44,661 --> 00:21:46,901 I've only got a flat. 363 00:21:46,901 --> 00:21:48,621 And it's rented! 364 00:21:48,621 --> 00:21:52,861 You're right, my darling, of course you are. 365 00:21:52,861 --> 00:21:55,781 Our fortunes are misaligned. 366 00:21:55,781 --> 00:21:56,821 Oh. 367 00:21:58,221 --> 00:22:02,981 So I can shoot, can I? If that's, er... 368 00:22:02,981 --> 00:22:04,421 ..cool? 369 00:22:04,421 --> 00:22:06,421 I'll, er... 370 00:22:06,421 --> 00:22:07,941 I'll pop off. 371 00:22:08,941 --> 00:22:11,501 Yes, you're right. 372 00:22:11,501 --> 00:22:13,741 This isn't about money. 373 00:22:15,141 --> 00:22:18,261 This is about love. 374 00:22:18,261 --> 00:22:19,741 RECORD STOPS 375 00:22:19,741 --> 00:22:20,781 What?! 376 00:22:22,261 --> 00:22:25,021 CROCKERY CLATTERS 377 00:22:28,101 --> 00:22:29,741 Argh! 378 00:22:29,741 --> 00:22:31,501 Hey! 379 00:22:31,501 --> 00:22:34,421 Argh! Forgive me, I was foolish. 380 00:22:34,421 --> 00:22:37,541 I should never have spoke of money! 381 00:22:37,541 --> 00:22:41,501 Take me, fill me up as you did in Marrakech. 382 00:22:41,501 --> 00:22:43,261 Tippy! Tippy! 383 00:22:43,261 --> 00:22:45,981 Plunder my garden, Meirion. 384 00:22:45,981 --> 00:22:47,821 Argh! Tippy! 385 00:22:47,821 --> 00:22:51,541 Take me! Oh, it's like mahogany. 386 00:22:51,541 --> 00:22:53,301 TIPPPPPYYYY! 387 00:22:57,941 --> 00:23:01,741 AS TIPPY: Begging your pardon, M'lady, 388 00:23:01,741 --> 00:23:04,661 I-I just wondered if I could speak to the gentleman? 389 00:23:06,781 --> 00:23:09,781 AS LADY RICE-PHILLIPS: Well, this is highly irregular. 390 00:23:11,741 --> 00:23:14,541 AS TIPPY: Oh, I'm sorry, your ladyship. 391 00:23:16,701 --> 00:23:20,021 AS LADY RICE-PHILLIPS: Well, be quick, child! 392 00:23:23,181 --> 00:23:24,541 AS TIPPY: Come here! 393 00:23:27,941 --> 00:23:30,261 Tippy, what the hell's going on? 394 00:23:30,261 --> 00:23:33,861 I know you're not Lord Palmeston. 395 00:23:33,861 --> 00:23:37,021 You're in grave danger. 396 00:23:37,021 --> 00:23:39,941 But there's been enough death in this house already. 397 00:23:39,941 --> 00:23:41,781 I can't let it go on. 398 00:23:41,781 --> 00:23:43,821 Tippy, get my phone! 399 00:23:43,821 --> 00:23:47,021 OK. I'll get it. 400 00:23:47,021 --> 00:23:49,141 You dance with the lady. 401 00:23:49,141 --> 00:23:51,021 Yeah. Good girl. 402 00:23:56,301 --> 00:23:58,781 HE HUMS 403 00:23:59,981 --> 00:24:01,741 DOOR CLOSES 404 00:24:04,101 --> 00:24:05,701 What the f...! 405 00:24:05,701 --> 00:24:08,421 LADY RICE-PHILLIPS: Tippy, what are you doing? 406 00:24:08,421 --> 00:24:11,821 COOK: Get thee back here, lass, and I'll put thee hands in t'toaster. 407 00:24:11,821 --> 00:24:14,701 Is that what you want, girl, toasted hands? 408 00:24:14,701 --> 00:24:16,861 Let the girl in, I say! 409 00:24:20,741 --> 00:24:22,221 Argh! 410 00:24:24,701 --> 00:24:28,661 AS JOHN CHURCH: Get back in there, you swine! 411 00:24:28,661 --> 00:24:32,741 Lady Rice, we have an impostor in our midst! 412 00:24:34,181 --> 00:24:37,141 AS LADY RICE-PHILLIPS: Whatever do you mean, Church? 413 00:24:37,141 --> 00:24:40,861 AS JOHN CHURCH: This is not Viscount Palmeston! 414 00:24:42,461 --> 00:24:46,421 AS LADY RICE-PHILLIPS: Ah! Well, who the hell are you? 415 00:24:46,421 --> 00:24:49,581 This villain has fooled us all! 416 00:24:49,581 --> 00:24:51,421 AS MRS BARTON: I'm very sorry, your ladyship, 417 00:24:51,421 --> 00:24:53,941 but his disguise was flawless. 418 00:24:53,941 --> 00:24:56,781 Please! Put the gun down. 419 00:24:56,781 --> 00:25:00,421 EAST-END ACCENT: I say, we do him. Here and now! 420 00:25:00,421 --> 00:25:01,541 Who the hell are you? 421 00:25:01,541 --> 00:25:03,301 AS MRS BARTON: Jibbers, that's not helpful. 422 00:25:03,301 --> 00:25:04,901 Jibbers, you've got a fucking nerve. 423 00:25:04,901 --> 00:25:07,381 AS JOHN CHURCH: Don't use that kind of language in front of her ladyship 424 00:25:07,381 --> 00:25:10,221 or I'll blow that dirty mouth clean off. 425 00:25:10,221 --> 00:25:13,101 AS MRS BARTON: Your ladyship, I think that might be the best option. 426 00:25:13,101 --> 00:25:16,141 AS LADY RICE-PHILLIPS: Yes, Mrs Barton, I fear you may be right. 427 00:25:16,141 --> 00:25:18,181 Oh, I can't watch! 428 00:25:18,181 --> 00:25:19,221 Watch what? 429 00:25:21,221 --> 00:25:22,501 Please! 430 00:25:22,501 --> 00:25:23,741 Put the gun down. 431 00:25:23,741 --> 00:25:26,861 No! I can help! I can help all of you! 432 00:25:26,861 --> 00:25:28,701 AS JOHN CHURCH: It's a trick! 433 00:25:28,701 --> 00:25:30,501 AS JIBBERS: Just finish him. 434 00:25:30,501 --> 00:25:31,621 Tippy! 435 00:25:31,621 --> 00:25:33,461 AS MRS BARTON: Just get on with it, Church! 436 00:25:33,461 --> 00:25:34,821 Tippy, Tippy, come back! 437 00:25:34,821 --> 00:25:36,701 AS LADY RICE-PHILLIPS: Just get on with it, man! 438 00:25:36,701 --> 00:25:38,221 No, please! Tippy! 439 00:25:38,221 --> 00:25:40,141 AS TIPPY: I'm trying! 440 00:25:40,141 --> 00:25:41,381 AS LADY RICE-PHILLIPS: Tippy! 441 00:25:41,381 --> 00:25:44,541 AS TIPPY: I don't know what to do. 442 00:25:44,541 --> 00:25:47,021 Tippy! Come back! 443 00:25:47,021 --> 00:25:49,861 OH, NO! NO! 444 00:25:51,221 --> 00:25:52,861 HE GASPS 445 00:25:54,301 --> 00:25:56,381 Oh... 446 00:25:56,381 --> 00:25:58,101 Tippy, thank God. 447 00:26:00,301 --> 00:26:02,101 There is no Tippy! 448 00:26:03,941 --> 00:26:05,461 There is no anyone. 449 00:26:07,261 --> 00:26:08,781 Well... 450 00:26:08,781 --> 00:26:10,581 ..I dread to ask who you are. 451 00:26:12,061 --> 00:26:13,541 I'm Sue. 452 00:26:19,581 --> 00:26:21,061 SHE SIGHS 453 00:26:27,301 --> 00:26:30,781 Did you call them, then? The police? 454 00:26:30,781 --> 00:26:32,541 I had to. 455 00:26:32,541 --> 00:26:34,181 How did you end up here? 456 00:26:35,181 --> 00:26:36,541 The house? 457 00:26:36,541 --> 00:26:37,581 Yeah. 458 00:26:38,701 --> 00:26:40,221 It was on my post round. 459 00:26:42,301 --> 00:26:44,141 I used to deliver here all the time 460 00:26:45,301 --> 00:26:47,461 But how did you end up living here? 461 00:26:47,461 --> 00:26:49,061 Knew this place was empty. 462 00:26:49,061 --> 00:26:53,581 I just thought that it would be good for a while. You know? 463 00:26:53,581 --> 00:26:55,661 Just till I got myself together. 464 00:26:55,661 --> 00:26:58,861 But, to be honest, just watched too much Downton. 465 00:27:04,821 --> 00:27:08,821 What happened, with the estate agent? Did you...? 466 00:27:10,741 --> 00:27:12,261 I'll have to tell them. 467 00:27:17,181 --> 00:27:18,901 SHE INHALES SHAKILY 468 00:27:18,901 --> 00:27:21,621 AS TIPPY: I couldn't let him sell it. 469 00:27:21,621 --> 00:27:24,301 I've got nowhere else to go. 470 00:27:24,301 --> 00:27:25,901 I know people. 471 00:27:27,901 --> 00:27:30,181 They'll give you a nice new house. 472 00:27:31,701 --> 00:27:33,381 They'll let you help in the kitchen. 473 00:27:33,381 --> 00:27:34,781 SHE GASPS 474 00:27:34,781 --> 00:27:36,541 Will I make battered rabbit? 475 00:27:40,061 --> 00:27:41,301 Maybe. 476 00:27:47,061 --> 00:27:48,141 POLICE SIREN CHIRPS 477 00:28:01,501 --> 00:28:03,021 CAR DOOR CLOSES 478 00:28:09,461 --> 00:28:12,621 PHONE BUZZES 479 00:28:12,621 --> 00:28:16,661 All right? Did you get the pin? Yeah. 480 00:28:16,661 --> 00:28:17,981 Just come and get me. 481 00:28:17,981 --> 00:28:20,541 Nothing's wrong. The van's just broken down. 482 00:28:20,541 --> 00:28:22,821 Yeah, all right, Ruth, I was taken hostage. 483 00:28:22,821 --> 00:28:24,581 Yes, again! She had a gun. 484 00:28:24,581 --> 00:28:26,421 No, a real one this time. 485 00:28:26,421 --> 00:28:27,861 Are you laughing? 486 00:28:27,861 --> 00:28:29,541 Just come and get me, will you?