CATTLE GRID RATTLES
Shit!
ENGINE SPUTTERS
ENGINE STOPS
Now, then, I shall need this van moved immediately.
Yeah, sorry. I think I must have hit something on the cattle grid.
I can't have a smoking vehicle on the driveway.
And you are?
Sorry. I'm the cleaner. I'm Wicky. The police sent me.
Very good. Now, first things first,
take this round to the garage at the back.
I think I'm going to have to get the roadside assistance out
or something, you know?
After I've signed up for one and pretended it's just happened.
You know what I'm...
No. There's no need! Jibbers will take care of it for you.
He's quite capable. He's looked after all our cars for years.
Oh. I'll take the van round to Jibbers.
Sorry, you are...?
I'm Mrs Barton. The housekeeper.
You run this whole place?!
Oh, yes. You don't look old enough.
I took over from my mother,
and I can assure you that I follow her same exacting standards.
Well, I'm sure she feels very proud.
She feels nothing at all.
Her neck was snapped when she fell from a stallion.
Now, the job itself is over here.
Blimey. Someone took a tumble.
The estate agent.
Ah, the old bad suit and pointy shoe brigade, eh?
Mm-hm. Clumsy oaf fell out of a window during a valuation.
He's quite dead, of course.
Of course. Poor thing.
Hey, how much is the place, then? I'm looking for a weekend gaff.
He was conducting a valuation for tax purposes only.
Rosewood Hall is not for sale.
Madam, fear not.
I was recently told I had insufficient funds
when I attempted to purchase...
..bacon.
Oh, you were joking.
Well, Lady Rice-Phillips will not share your humour -
she has very little time for tradesmen.
Oh.
Hey, I've never met a lady of the manor before. Is she in?
She's returning tonight after vacationing in Provence.
We are having a very distinguished guest to dinner. Hm!
I presume you'll need water, so I'll bring a bucket out.
M'lady.
You'll enjoy elevenses?
Will I? Hot scones, tea, fresh cream.
Then I shall enjoy elevenses very much!
I shan't refuse tenses.
I'm not going to knock nineses out of your hand.
Right, I'll have Tippy bring it out to you.
Now, pay no heed to her shyness,
I fear the girl was kicked in the head by a horse as an infant.
Then Tippy and I will get on famously.
A pony once tried to bite my tit off.
I'll take the van rounds to Jibbers.
Jibbers?
HE COUGHS
OK, Mr Estate Agent, let's get you cleaned up.
Why do they wear these pointy shoes?
Oh!
Are you Tippy?
CHILDLIKE VOICE: Ye...yes, sir.
Can't stop - Cook needs me in t'kitchen.
Bye-bye! Enjoy your scone!
Bloody hell.
That's not a scone, Tippy, it's eczema.
HE GAGS
OFF-SCREEN: Oi, where have you been?
I'm sorry, Cook. Mrs Barton wanted me to take scones to the man.
Mrs Barton will be first to complain
if there's not food on t'table tonight.
So get yourself over to that soup and keep it moving,
cos if it burns it'll all be for t'sink.
Yes, Cook. CLATTERING
And concentrate, girl!
You've the attention span of a bloody moth.
Poor little moth girl! SIZZLING
Ow! You burned my hand on the ladle!
HE GASPS
Cook's a monster!
You get out my kitchen, you great big wobble.
You're mean to me! WHIMPERING
Hey! You get back here!
Hello?
I just needed some water.
Huh. Guess I'll get it myself, then.
OFF-SCREEN: Oh, I've heard all about your prize cow, John,
but it's rabbits for dinner Cook needs.
We have very important mouths to feed, as well you know.
No, listen! John!
I've been waiting to hear the sound of a gunshot all morning.
Yes, I hear what you're saying but...
SHE CLICKS HER FINGERS
Don't start blabbering on about what a good shot you are, man.
You've the wrong audience for that.
Save that for your cross-eyed friends at the pub.
Thank you!
Oh, John Church, our gamekeeper, spends his days murdering wildlife
except for when I actually need him to.
Oh! He sounds delightful.
How far off are you? I'm nearly done.
I just need to get the blood off the windowsill
upstairs in the bedroom... NO!
No?
That is her ladyship's personal bedroom
and she wouldn't thank me for sending a man in there
to snoop around in it.
Good day.
Oh!
Oh, OK.
If you're looking for an emotional goodbye,
then I'm afraid you've come to the wrong place.
I didn't shed so much as a tear when my own father died.
Or my mother.
She was a brutal woman and he was a drunk.
Good day.
HE SIGHS
CLANGING
ENGINE FIZZES AND HISSES
Bleeding hell! Who gave this an MOT?!
CLANGING The state of this.
What the hell?! Bastard!
Jibbers! What have you done? It's ruined!
Oh! Get lost!
Tell me to get lost, you've wrecked my van!
Get lost!
Well, the Ricey lady is paying for this! I'll tell you that much! So...
Right...
Right, Jibbers has totally f...
SCRAPING AND HEAVY FOOTSTEPS
Hello?
WIND WHISTLES
Eh? I thought she was on holiday.
Fu...
CHILDLIKE VOICE: You shouldn't ought to be in here.
Tippy?
Now, I'm supposed to be in the kitchen preparing the rabbit.
Holy shit!
You're...
..and...
This is Lady Rice-Phillips's personal chambers.
And Mrs Barton says that being in here
is like sniffing a ladies undergarments. It's private!
Oh. Well, that's fine...
..because I've finished my work now and I'm going to go.
Cos my girlfriend's taking me to
a beeeeef...
A beef? What's a beef?
You know the beef...dance?
A beef dance?
Yeah, it's....
Now, how will you get home?
Jibbers told me that he's having terrible trouble with your car.
He said, "All its guts have come out."
Aw. HE CHUCKLES
I'm going to walk.
It's 13 miles to the nearest town, you know.
Oh, bollocks. Is it?
Oh, yes. I do it every Thursday to get spices and whatnot for Cook
and I have to do toilet in a hedge.
Oh.
They don't take you in the car, no?
The one in the garage?
No, no. Mrs Barton said that the big car is just for Lady Rice.
Jibbers keeps the keys safe in his garage.
Well, I'm going to walk and do toilet in a hedge. Bye.
Now, Mrs Barton will want to check your work before you leave,
and she has very exacting standards.
Yeah.
I know.
And that's why she's not going to be very pleased with you.
What?
Look at the state of that...
..bed?
What, why?
Oh, the corners aren't turned down. Oh, no.
Oh, no. Oh, I'm sorry.
I won't tell her, though. Sorry.
Whoa.
Where would Jibbers keep keys?
Look behind the curtain, Dorothy! There is no Jibbers!
Ah! Jibbers, you imaginary prick.
My name is John Church and while I'm gamekeeper here,
no thief will leave the grounds alive.
Shit in my hand!
I was only borrowing it.
I was going to bring it back.
Yeah? And if crows can nest in Buckingham Palace,
they'd eat pearl instead of seed.
Oh, yeah, cos that makes sense, doesn't it? You sick fuck!
Right, down.
Now, Mrs Barton will not take kindly
to there being a common thief in the grounds.
Look, I don't know what's going on here.
You save it! She'll deal with you when she's good and ready.
Or I will.
THEY GRUNT
THEY CHUCKLE
THEY GIGGLE
HE TAPS THE SWITCHHOOK
Gah! Of course it's dead.
Argh! Argh!
Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh!
Damn you, Burger King!
Damn you to hell!
Ugh!
AS TIPPY: What'll happen to him, Mrs Barton?
I don't think he meant any harm.
AS MRS BARTON: Oh, turned your head, did he?
You'd do well to take this as a life lesson, young lady.
Or would you like to end up heavily pregnant? Hmm?
The spawn of an outsized hoodlum growing within you?
AS COOK: She couldn't care for a littl'un!
She's had only brains she were born with
hoofed from her head by Mr Pickles.
AS TIPPY: Why's she always so mean to me?
AS MRS BARTON: Lady Rice-Phillips is due any time
and she does not want to witness two northern cats brawling,
especially with Lord Palmeston's visit.
DOOR OPENS
AS MRS BARTON: Well, well, well.
This is quite the state of affairs, isn't it?
You're telling me!
Look, I was only borrowing the car!
And it was wrong, I'm sorry.
OK? Let me go. I'll walk home
and I will never come back, all right?
You just be thankful I didn't let John Church dispense justice!
Yes, I suppose I should be thankful that I'm not being held captive
by someone who's howling fucking mad!
Huh! You...!
Now, you pay no attention to him, John.
The criminal mind is a cauldron of rage.
AS JOHN CHURCH: I'll happily deal with him, ma'am.
AS MRS BARTON: No, no, no, no, no.
There's no need for extreme measures, John.
Not yet, anyway.
She's here, she's here! Woo!
Let me out!
Let me out, you fucking nutter!
Eurgh!
AS MRS BARTON: Lady Rice-Phillips,
may I be the first to welcome you back to Rosewood Hall.
LADY RICE-PHILLIPS: Ah. I take it Viscount Palmeston has confirmed?
MRS BARTON: Oh, yes, indeed, ma'am.
LADY RICE-PHILLIPS: Good. We have matters to discuss.
BANGING ON DOOR
AS MRS BARTON: What is all this fuss in here? I don't have time for...
IN POSH VOICE: Good day to you.
Where did you get that hat?
Where did I get my own hat?
Why, from, er...
..from my own home!
From your home?
Do you not recognise me, Mrs Barton?
It has been a few years, but I would have thought that...
..Viscount Palmeston would not be a total stranger.
SHE GASPS
Ooh, Meirion!
Meirion?!
That's my first name?!
Yeah, er...
Yes, it is I - Meirion.
But what were you doing in there?
We had a petty criminal locked in!
Yes, I saw the braggard leap through the window.
Naturally, I followed through to see if he had stolen any antiquities.
Through the window?! That seems impossible.
He was grossly overweight.
He was perhaps a little rotund.
Oh, Meirion, he was grotesque.
Hugely tall, but terribly unfit.
He can't have gone far.
Well, you say that, but I did see him run away
and he was fair like an Olympic sprinter,
so perhaps one shouldn't be quite so quick to judge.
He really was... He was quite fast.
The important thing is you're here.
Lady Rice is so looking forward to seeing you.
Yes, I just need to pop to my car.
But, why?
I wish to get my pipe.
You don't smoke a pipe, Meirion.
No. No, I don't.
It is not a smoking pipe I wish to get, it is...
..a horn. A horn?!
Yes.
An alpine horn from my travels in the...
..Alpine.
I shall be playing for Lady Rice, so...
Oh, wow. You're very cultured! DOOR RATTLES
But I'm afraid for your safety I've locked all the doors and windows.
What? Why?!
Oh, yes, and Tippy took the cad's phone, so he will return,
but John Church will take care of him.
He's been told to maim on sight.
Now, the Lady will be down imminently.
Wait till you see what Cook's done.
She's made your favourite -
battered rabbit.
The fuck?!
Seriously, I really would like to speak to Tippy, if I may?
BELL TINKLES
Oh! The lady is ready!
Now, I hear that you two
have matters of great importance to discuss!
Yes, but before you go, before you go,
I would just like to speak to Tippy.
Heed my cry!
HEED MY CRY!
HE GRUNTS
HE WHIMPERS
OFF-SCREEN: Distinguished guests, Rosewood Hall is delighted
for you to welcome your host for this most special of evenings -
Lady Rice-Phillips.
MUSIC: Duo Des Fleurs by Leo Delibes
Oh, my fucking God.
# Ah, la-la-la
# Dah, da-la-la
# Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
# Da-da-da
# Ooh, doo-doo-doo. #
Oh, Meirion.
France was so cold without you there to warm our spirits.
SHE GIGGLES
Look!
We really have got to talk.
You know fine well, Meirion,
that we have matters of great importance to discuss,
but not in front of the staff.
No, they do not share our intellectual capabilities.
Now, you must be famished.
I shouldn't ruin the surprise,
but I've heard that cook has prepared...
Yeah, she's battered a fucking rabbit. I've seen it.
Oh! Naughty Merion!
Shall we?
All right. You want to get crazy?
Let's get crazy.
Oh!
# La, la-la-la, da-da-da. #
MUSIC: Duo Des Fleurs by Leo Delibes
# Suivons le courant fuyant
# Dans l'onde fremissante
# D'une main nonchalante. #
Oh, Meirion, what is that scent?
You smell as divine as ever.
It's a mixture of Lynx and fear.
Oh. Look, what do you want?
Oh, Meirion.
It shames me to say this but...
..I am bankrupted.
I need your help to save my beloved Rosewood Hall.
Now, what I want is a union
betwixt our two great houses.
I've only got a flat.
And it's rented!
You're right, my darling, of course you are.
Our fortunes are misaligned.
Oh.
So I can shoot, can I? If that's, er...
..cool?
I'll, er...
I'll pop off.
Yes, you're right.
This isn't about money.
This is about love.
RECORD STOPS
What?!
CROCKERY CLATTERS
Argh!
Hey!
Argh! Forgive me, I was foolish.
I should never have spoke of money!
Take me, fill me up as you did in Marrakech.
Tippy! Tippy!
Plunder my garden, Meirion.
Argh! Tippy!
Take me! Oh, it's like mahogany.
TIPPPPPYYYY!
AS TIPPY: Begging your pardon, M'lady,
I-I just wondered if I could speak to the gentleman?
AS LADY RICE-PHILLIPS: Well, this is highly irregular.
AS TIPPY: Oh, I'm sorry, your ladyship.
AS LADY RICE-PHILLIPS: Well, be quick, child!
AS TIPPY: Come here!
Tippy, what the hell's going on?
I know you're not Lord Palmeston.
You're in grave danger.
But there's been enough death in this house already.
I can't let it go on.
Tippy, get my phone!
OK. I'll get it.
You dance with the lady.
Yeah. Good girl.
HE HUMS
DOOR CLOSES
What the f...!
LADY RICE-PHILLIPS: Tippy, what are you doing?
COOK: Get thee back here, lass, and I'll put thee hands in t'toaster.
Is that what you want, girl, toasted hands?
Let the girl in, I say!
Argh!
AS JOHN CHURCH: Get back in there, you swine!
Lady Rice, we have an impostor in our midst!
AS LADY RICE-PHILLIPS: Whatever do you mean, Church?
AS JOHN CHURCH: This is not Viscount Palmeston!
AS LADY RICE-PHILLIPS: Ah! Well, who the hell are you?
This villain has fooled us all!
AS MRS BARTON: I'm very sorry, your ladyship,
but his disguise was flawless.
Please! Put the gun down.
EAST-END ACCENT: I say, we do him. Here and now!
Who the hell are you?
AS MRS BARTON: Jibbers, that's not helpful.
Jibbers, you've got a fucking nerve.
AS JOHN CHURCH: Don't use that kind of language in front of her ladyship
or I'll blow that dirty mouth clean off.
AS MRS BARTON: Your ladyship, I think that might be the best option.
AS LADY RICE-PHILLIPS: Yes, Mrs Barton, I fear you may be right.
Oh, I can't watch!
Watch what?
Please!
Put the gun down.
No! I can help! I can help all of you!
AS JOHN CHURCH: It's a trick!
AS JIBBERS: Just finish him.
Tippy!
AS MRS BARTON: Just get on with it, Church!
Tippy, Tippy, come back!
AS LADY RICE-PHILLIPS: Just get on with it, man!
No, please! Tippy!
AS TIPPY: I'm trying!
AS LADY RICE-PHILLIPS: Tippy!
AS TIPPY: I don't know what to do.
Tippy! Come back!
OH, NO! NO!
HE GASPS
Oh...
Tippy, thank God.
There is no Tippy!
There is no anyone.
Well...
..I dread to ask who you are.
I'm Sue.
SHE SIGHS
Did you call them, then? The police?
I had to.
How did you end up here?
The house?
Yeah.
It was on my post round.
I used to deliver here all the time
But how did you end up living here?
Knew this place was empty.
I just thought that it would be good for a while. You know?
Just till I got myself together.
But, to be honest, just watched too much Downton.
What happened, with the estate agent? Did you...?
I'll have to tell them.
SHE INHALES SHAKILY
AS TIPPY: I couldn't let him sell it.
I've got nowhere else to go.
I know people.
They'll give you a nice new house.
They'll let you help in the kitchen.
SHE GASPS
Will I make battered rabbit?
Maybe.
POLICE SIREN CHIRPS
CAR DOOR CLOSES
PHONE BUZZES
All right? Did you get the pin? Yeah.
Just come and get me.
Nothing's wrong. The van's just broken down.
Yeah, all right, Ruth, I was taken hostage.
Yes, again! She had a gun.
No, a real one this time.
Are you laughing?
Just come and get me, will you?