1 00:00:04,915 --> 00:00:11,795 This programme contains some strong language and adult humour 2 00:00:26,115 --> 00:00:27,795 PHONE RINGS 3 00:00:30,275 --> 00:00:34,075 Happy Christmas, sis. You going, then? Am I going where? 4 00:00:34,075 --> 00:00:36,755 It's Christmas Day! You bloody well know where. 5 00:00:36,755 --> 00:00:40,395 To Dad's. The boot, Nigel! 6 00:00:40,395 --> 00:00:42,875 Wake up. Well, are you? 7 00:00:42,875 --> 00:00:45,755 No, I've told you I'm not. We're going to Nigel's folk 8 00:00:45,755 --> 00:00:48,355 and the parasite is really kicking off. 9 00:00:48,355 --> 00:00:50,355 Dad, she called me parasite again! 10 00:00:50,355 --> 00:00:51,995 Well, you are a bloody parasite. 11 00:00:51,995 --> 00:00:53,755 You've ruined my body. 12 00:00:53,755 --> 00:00:55,115 Ruined it. 13 00:00:55,115 --> 00:00:56,915 You have to go, Wicky, end of. 14 00:00:56,915 --> 00:00:58,355 I've got plans. 15 00:00:58,355 --> 00:01:00,555 The White Horse are doing a full Christmas dinner. 16 00:01:00,555 --> 00:01:02,195 Microwave turkey is dangerous, Wicky. 17 00:01:02,195 --> 00:01:03,595 Have you not learnt from last time? 18 00:01:03,595 --> 00:01:05,915 It's not just the dinner - Weasel's going a raffle 19 00:01:05,915 --> 00:01:07,235 during the King's Speech. 20 00:01:07,235 --> 00:01:09,315 You can win a horse. Like, an actual horse. 21 00:01:09,315 --> 00:01:10,355 It's Christmas, Wicky. 22 00:01:10,355 --> 00:01:12,955 You should be able to put aside your differences at Christmas. 23 00:01:12,955 --> 00:01:14,795 YOU put aside my differences at Christmas. 24 00:01:14,795 --> 00:01:16,395 Take him to Nigel's parents with you. 25 00:01:16,395 --> 00:01:18,035 Well, I can't, because of Pablo. 26 00:01:18,035 --> 00:01:19,235 Nigel's mum's allergic. 27 00:01:19,235 --> 00:01:21,675 Her throat puffs up like a toad. 28 00:01:21,675 --> 00:01:23,115 Who the hell's Pablo? 29 00:01:23,115 --> 00:01:24,315 Dad's new dog. 30 00:01:24,315 --> 00:01:25,555 I love Pablo! 31 00:01:25,555 --> 00:01:27,795 Yes. We all know you love Pablo. 32 00:01:27,795 --> 00:01:30,835 My God, they repeat themselves at this age. 33 00:01:30,835 --> 00:01:34,075 He's bought a dog?! Yes. It's really cute. 34 00:01:34,075 --> 00:01:36,115 Have you any idea how many times I asked him for a dog 35 00:01:36,115 --> 00:01:37,955 when we were kids? It's all I ever wanted. 36 00:01:37,955 --> 00:01:39,515 And he used to say, "Oh, no, they're..." 37 00:01:39,515 --> 00:01:41,035 BOTH: "..rats that bark and shit." 38 00:01:41,035 --> 00:01:43,235 Right, well, that's it. I'm definitely not going. 39 00:01:43,235 --> 00:01:44,955 He deserves to be on his own and you know it. 40 00:01:44,955 --> 00:01:46,835 And you're going to end up just like him. 41 00:01:46,835 --> 00:01:50,235 Think about going round to Dad's, Wicky. He's an old man. 42 00:01:50,235 --> 00:01:52,075 It's Christmas. 43 00:01:52,075 --> 00:01:53,155 Nigel! 44 00:01:53,155 --> 00:01:54,795 Will you open this bloody boot?! 45 00:01:57,035 --> 00:01:58,035 Right, then. 46 00:01:59,475 --> 00:02:00,515 Let's dance. 47 00:02:20,915 --> 00:02:24,315 Moderate-to-severe blood pooling, limited staining on porous surfaces, 48 00:02:24,315 --> 00:02:26,595 but mostly fake marble and Formica. 49 00:02:26,595 --> 00:02:27,875 Two hours 30, tops. 50 00:02:28,915 --> 00:02:31,875 And then Turkey, pint, new horse. 51 00:02:31,875 --> 00:02:33,395 Let's have it, Santa. 52 00:02:37,475 --> 00:02:39,475 # Santa, baby 53 00:02:39,475 --> 00:02:43,755 # Slip the sable under the tree for me 54 00:02:45,355 --> 00:02:47,515 # I've been an awful good girl 55 00:02:48,835 --> 00:02:50,275 # Santa, baby 56 00:02:50,275 --> 00:02:53,915 # So hurry down the chimney tonight 57 00:02:59,395 --> 00:03:00,595 # Santa, baby 58 00:03:01,635 --> 00:03:05,355 # A '54 convertible too 59 00:03:05,355 --> 00:03:06,515 # Bright blue 60 00:03:07,875 --> 00:03:10,595 # Well, I'll wait up for you, dear, 61 00:03:10,595 --> 00:03:11,755 # Santa, baby 62 00:03:12,755 --> 00:03:16,875 # So hurry down the chimney tonight 63 00:03:20,915 --> 00:03:27,835 # So hurry down the chimney toni... # 64 00:03:27,835 --> 00:03:28,915 Hey! 65 00:03:30,915 --> 00:03:32,515 Get out of it. 66 00:03:32,515 --> 00:03:34,715 Good afternoon. My name is Robert Kendrick. 67 00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:37,915 The parlour's closed. The parlour's... 68 00:03:41,035 --> 00:03:42,755 Good afternoon. My name is Robert... 69 00:03:42,755 --> 00:03:44,235 What are you doing here, kid? 70 00:03:44,235 --> 00:03:46,035 It's Sunday. And...? Every Sunday, 71 00:03:46,035 --> 00:03:49,075 I get a peach melba ice cream in Alberto's. 72 00:03:49,075 --> 00:03:50,715 It's Christmas Day. 73 00:03:50,715 --> 00:03:54,035 It is also Sunday. Right. 74 00:03:54,035 --> 00:03:56,675 OK. Listen, Robert... Robert Kendrick. Yes, listen, 75 00:03:56,675 --> 00:03:59,915 Robert Kendrick, the parlour is closed. 76 00:03:59,915 --> 00:04:01,355 Most shops are closed. 77 00:04:01,355 --> 00:04:02,755 It's Christmas Day. 78 00:04:02,755 --> 00:04:04,995 Alberto opens EVERY Sunday. 79 00:04:04,995 --> 00:04:08,075 He is an Italian-Jewish person, so he does not celebrate Christmas. 80 00:04:08,075 --> 00:04:10,635 Now, could you please inform Alberto that 81 00:04:10,635 --> 00:04:12,715 I've arrived for my peach melba? 82 00:04:12,715 --> 00:04:15,355 OK. You probably shouldn't hear this on the news. Come in. 83 00:04:19,195 --> 00:04:21,275 I'm sorry to have to break this to you, Robert, 84 00:04:21,275 --> 00:04:22,795 but Alberto's passed. 85 00:04:24,995 --> 00:04:27,075 On. He's passed on. 86 00:04:28,075 --> 00:04:29,675 He's... 87 00:04:29,675 --> 00:04:32,235 He's gone over to the other side. 88 00:04:32,235 --> 00:04:35,395 He's left this earthly plane. 89 00:04:35,395 --> 00:04:37,915 He's a...he's a cloud gardener. 90 00:04:38,915 --> 00:04:41,155 He dances with the angels, Robert. 91 00:04:41,155 --> 00:04:43,555 He is... 92 00:04:44,595 --> 00:04:46,235 He's got two goose arms. 93 00:04:48,035 --> 00:04:50,715 You're trying to tell me Alberto is dead. 94 00:04:50,715 --> 00:04:51,715 I'm afraid so. 95 00:04:56,595 --> 00:04:58,275 Oh... 96 00:04:58,275 --> 00:05:01,195 Then I shall need to know the cause of death. 97 00:05:01,195 --> 00:05:02,275 For my journal. 98 00:05:02,275 --> 00:05:05,555 Oh, OK. 99 00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:07,755 He was killed. How? 100 00:05:07,755 --> 00:05:11,155 A bad man hit him with a plank. 101 00:05:11,155 --> 00:05:13,035 A plank is not a suitable weapon. 102 00:05:13,035 --> 00:05:15,595 It might have been a plank. But you said it was a plank just now. 103 00:05:15,595 --> 00:05:18,035 Yeah, I know, but... Was it a plank or not? 104 00:05:18,035 --> 00:05:19,435 It might have been a bat. 105 00:05:19,435 --> 00:05:21,035 Cricket bat or a baseball bat? 106 00:05:21,035 --> 00:05:22,395 Cricket? 107 00:05:23,595 --> 00:05:26,235 Alberto was battered to death. 108 00:05:26,235 --> 00:05:27,475 Cricket bat. ..bat. 109 00:05:29,715 --> 00:05:31,155 I didn't do it. 110 00:05:31,155 --> 00:05:34,755 I'll be sure to tell the police they can rule you out. 111 00:05:34,755 --> 00:05:36,075 You better go home. 112 00:05:36,075 --> 00:05:39,675 Alberto said he'd take me home at 5:42pm. 113 00:05:39,675 --> 00:05:44,275 That's the time my bus usually goes home. As there are no buses 114 00:05:44,275 --> 00:05:47,795 on Christmas Day, Alberto said he'd take me home at the same time. 115 00:05:47,795 --> 00:05:51,235 5:42pm. I'm a valued customer. 116 00:05:51,235 --> 00:05:54,715 Alberto can't drive because of the whole dead thing. 117 00:05:54,715 --> 00:05:58,755 I'm afraid the parlour is closed, even to valued customers. 118 00:05:58,755 --> 00:06:00,195 So... 119 00:06:00,195 --> 00:06:04,435 But you're here and you're just a cleaner. Be that as it may, 120 00:06:04,435 --> 00:06:07,075 clean I must. So, if you'll forgive me, Robert... 121 00:06:07,075 --> 00:06:09,115 Robert Kendrick. Yes. 122 00:06:21,995 --> 00:06:23,555 PHONE RINGS 123 00:06:25,155 --> 00:06:26,155 HE SIGHS 124 00:06:27,795 --> 00:06:29,035 I'm not going. 125 00:06:30,035 --> 00:06:32,275 We've just popped in there. 126 00:06:32,275 --> 00:06:34,315 Listen, he's really sorry. 127 00:06:34,315 --> 00:06:36,115 He says he thinks about you all the time. 128 00:06:36,115 --> 00:06:38,395 He actually thinks a lot of his past behaviour was caused 129 00:06:38,395 --> 00:06:40,035 by his lactose intolerance. 130 00:06:40,035 --> 00:06:43,235 Oh, for God's sake, will you listen to yourself? 131 00:06:43,235 --> 00:06:44,875 He's going to write you a letter. 132 00:06:44,875 --> 00:06:47,315 He's going to write a letter? What, on a betting slip? 133 00:06:47,315 --> 00:06:50,155 He says he's changed. He wants you to meet the dog, Wicky. 134 00:06:50,155 --> 00:06:51,395 I love Pablo! 135 00:06:51,395 --> 00:06:52,995 Yes, we know. 136 00:06:52,995 --> 00:06:56,035 First you wreck my tits and now you drive me crazy. 137 00:06:56,035 --> 00:06:58,075 If I could turn back time. 138 00:07:01,715 --> 00:07:03,355 I'd like a peach melba, please. 139 00:07:06,195 --> 00:07:08,515 Am I missing something here, mate? 140 00:07:08,515 --> 00:07:10,035 The parlour is closed. 141 00:07:10,035 --> 00:07:12,915 You have forgotten my name and used mate as a replacement. 142 00:07:12,915 --> 00:07:14,995 I should have formally introduced myself. 143 00:07:14,995 --> 00:07:16,755 I haven't forgotten your name. 144 00:07:16,755 --> 00:07:18,995 The parlour is closed. 145 00:07:18,995 --> 00:07:21,235 My name is Robert Kendrick. I am 22 years old. 146 00:07:21,235 --> 00:07:23,875 At least we're getting some new information through now. 147 00:07:23,875 --> 00:07:26,355 I live in Norford, a 23-minute bus journey from here. 148 00:07:26,355 --> 00:07:28,315 Hand me a pen, I'll ghost-write your memoirs. 149 00:07:28,315 --> 00:07:29,955 And I'm autistic. 150 00:07:29,955 --> 00:07:31,955 Yes, well, that's... 151 00:07:35,115 --> 00:07:36,875 ..fantastic! 152 00:07:36,875 --> 00:07:38,515 Is it...because of the... 153 00:07:40,115 --> 00:07:42,115 ..welcoming... 154 00:07:42,115 --> 00:07:44,395 We want to include, welcome. 155 00:07:45,555 --> 00:07:47,635 We're all welcome here, aren't we? 156 00:07:47,635 --> 00:07:49,155 It's the pizza of life. 157 00:07:49,155 --> 00:07:52,755 What do we want? Do we want just cheese? NO. 158 00:07:52,755 --> 00:07:56,395 We want to put some pickles on it if we want. 159 00:07:56,395 --> 00:08:00,915 I think, and I think everyone thinks this, everyone is a little bit 160 00:08:00,915 --> 00:08:02,875 autistic, aren't they? 161 00:08:02,875 --> 00:08:04,715 No. No. 162 00:08:04,715 --> 00:08:06,835 Who said that? I did. Am I autistic? 163 00:08:06,835 --> 00:08:08,555 No, I'm not autistic. 164 00:08:08,555 --> 00:08:09,755 You're autistic. 165 00:08:09,755 --> 00:08:13,395 And that...is...good. 166 00:08:16,075 --> 00:08:17,835 Alan Turing was autistic. 167 00:08:17,835 --> 00:08:20,035 The mathematician who helped to crack the Enigma code 168 00:08:20,035 --> 00:08:22,955 during World War II and saved hundreds of thousands of lives. 169 00:08:22,955 --> 00:08:24,835 Do you know what the authorities did to him? 170 00:08:24,835 --> 00:08:26,835 Well, I'm hoping they gave him a lovely medal. 171 00:08:26,835 --> 00:08:29,475 They castrated him because he was a homosexual. Mm. 172 00:08:29,475 --> 00:08:32,155 Chemically. His testicles became redundant. 173 00:08:32,155 --> 00:08:33,955 Well, I know that feeling. 174 00:08:33,955 --> 00:08:36,195 You do? Are you a homosexual? No. 175 00:08:36,195 --> 00:08:38,715 I'm disgusted by my own genitals, Roberto. 176 00:08:38,715 --> 00:08:41,675 I don't want to get another man's involved, but good luck 177 00:08:41,675 --> 00:08:43,795 to those lads. Could be that your testosterone 178 00:08:43,795 --> 00:08:46,035 levels have naturally lowered because of your age. 179 00:08:46,035 --> 00:08:47,755 Have you found you're developing breasts? 180 00:08:47,755 --> 00:08:49,995 Peach melba. 181 00:08:49,995 --> 00:08:51,155 Coming right up. 182 00:08:51,155 --> 00:08:53,435 And then we can all go for Christmas, can't we? 183 00:08:53,435 --> 00:08:56,515 Who gave you permission to go behind the red line? 184 00:08:56,515 --> 00:08:58,235 Erm... 185 00:08:58,235 --> 00:09:00,755 ..the police gave me permission. Hm. 186 00:09:00,755 --> 00:09:03,435 The red line authority went from Alberto to the police. 187 00:09:03,435 --> 00:09:06,035 Alberto always told me I would never be able to cross the red line 188 00:09:06,035 --> 00:09:07,875 for health and safety reasons. 189 00:09:07,875 --> 00:09:11,715 The police have vetted me for health and safety reasons, 190 00:09:11,715 --> 00:09:14,675 and they have confirmed that I am safe and... 191 00:09:16,435 --> 00:09:18,075 ..health. 192 00:09:18,075 --> 00:09:20,355 How do you make a melba? 193 00:09:20,355 --> 00:09:21,955 One scoop of chocolate ice cream. 194 00:09:21,955 --> 00:09:23,475 One scoop of vanilla ice cream. 195 00:09:23,475 --> 00:09:24,955 One scoop of peach ice cream. 196 00:09:24,955 --> 00:09:26,355 Then cream on top of the ice cream. 197 00:09:26,355 --> 00:09:28,395 Then white chocolate flakes on top of the cream. 198 00:09:28,395 --> 00:09:30,235 And then on top of the white chocolate flakes 199 00:09:30,235 --> 00:09:31,635 is raspberry sauce. Right. 200 00:09:31,635 --> 00:09:33,275 And then a chocolate stick. 201 00:09:33,275 --> 00:09:36,315 Except I get two chocolate sticks because I'm a valued customer. 202 00:09:41,195 --> 00:09:42,395 LOUD CLANGING 203 00:09:45,395 --> 00:09:46,475 So... 204 00:09:48,195 --> 00:09:50,515 Vanilla. But the... What's next? 205 00:09:50,515 --> 00:09:52,515 But the... What's next? 206 00:09:52,515 --> 00:09:54,795 Peach. It's a peach melba. Right. 207 00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:56,635 But that's not vanilla. 208 00:09:56,635 --> 00:09:58,875 That is banana. There is no banana. 209 00:10:00,075 --> 00:10:01,115 OK. 210 00:10:03,315 --> 00:10:05,755 Now there is banana residue on my glass. 211 00:10:08,475 --> 00:10:09,555 Not a problem. 212 00:10:13,275 --> 00:10:15,915 And...vanilla. 213 00:10:15,915 --> 00:10:18,435 Yes, but... Ah-ah. Peach. 214 00:10:18,435 --> 00:10:20,195 It's a peach melba, after all. 215 00:10:20,195 --> 00:10:22,715 And then...cream. 216 00:10:22,715 --> 00:10:26,075 And - I haven't forgotten - 217 00:10:26,075 --> 00:10:28,115 white chocolate flakes. 218 00:10:28,115 --> 00:10:29,315 Thank you. 219 00:10:29,315 --> 00:10:32,475 And next... Now raspberry sauce in an arcing motion. 220 00:10:32,475 --> 00:10:34,595 In a...? Arcing motion. 221 00:10:34,595 --> 00:10:39,275 Or the sauce will pull. If I don't arc, the sauce will pull. 222 00:10:39,275 --> 00:10:43,035 Finally...a chocolate stick. 223 00:10:43,035 --> 00:10:45,355 Except I get two. Except you get 224 00:10:45,355 --> 00:10:52,075 two chocolate sticks, because you are valued customer Robert... 225 00:10:52,075 --> 00:10:53,355 ..Kendrick. 226 00:10:53,355 --> 00:10:55,995 There is no scoop of chocolate. You never mentioned chocolate. 227 00:10:55,995 --> 00:10:58,755 I mentioned chocolate. Pretty sure you didn't mention chocolate. 228 00:10:58,755 --> 00:11:00,835 Would it be helpful if I wrote it all down for you? 229 00:11:00,835 --> 00:11:03,435 No, it wouldn't be helpful if you wrote it all down for me. 230 00:11:03,435 --> 00:11:04,875 Do you find me irritating? 231 00:11:04,875 --> 00:11:06,755 Oh, well... You seem to find irritating. 232 00:11:06,755 --> 00:11:08,315 I don't find you irritating. 233 00:11:08,315 --> 00:11:11,795 Perfectly OK if you do find me irritating. I know I can be. 234 00:11:11,795 --> 00:11:14,875 Not...to...me. 235 00:11:19,715 --> 00:11:21,315 The chocolate goes under the vanilla. 236 00:11:21,315 --> 00:11:22,915 Are you joking? How can that be a joke? 237 00:11:22,915 --> 00:11:24,155 It's just a fact. 238 00:11:24,155 --> 00:11:26,675 Alberto calls the chocolate the soil the house is built on. 239 00:11:26,675 --> 00:11:29,875 Silly me for not knowing the melba protocol. 240 00:11:29,875 --> 00:11:33,315 I'd better go back to university! 241 00:11:33,315 --> 00:11:34,715 ROBERT WHIMPERS 242 00:11:34,715 --> 00:11:37,515 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, hey, hey. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry. 243 00:11:37,515 --> 00:11:39,795 My fault. It was my fault. 244 00:11:39,795 --> 00:11:42,435 I'm in trouble, aren't I? No, no, no, no, no. 245 00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:43,875 I'll clean it up. 246 00:11:43,875 --> 00:11:45,115 That's my job. 247 00:11:45,115 --> 00:11:49,755 And then I'll make another peach melba, in Alberto's, on a Sunday. 248 00:12:00,835 --> 00:12:02,555 Who killed Alberto? 249 00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:04,395 He was nice. 250 00:12:04,395 --> 00:12:06,835 Why would anyone want to kill him? 251 00:12:06,835 --> 00:12:09,475 Do you know what playing away means? Alberto was too obese to be 252 00:12:09,475 --> 00:12:12,115 involved with organised sports so I presume you mean that he was 253 00:12:12,115 --> 00:12:14,435 having sexual intercourse with another man's wife? 254 00:12:14,435 --> 00:12:16,155 You do know what it means. Of course. 255 00:12:16,155 --> 00:12:19,835 Mr Ferguson, the deputy manager at Runcorn House, was repeatedly 256 00:12:19,835 --> 00:12:21,875 being unfaithful to his partner... 257 00:12:21,875 --> 00:12:25,115 ..until he developed scrotal lesions. Back on testicles again, 258 00:12:25,115 --> 00:12:28,795 Robert. If the man's wife was having sex with Alberto, 259 00:12:28,795 --> 00:12:32,955 then maybe that just means Alberto was better at sex than the man. 260 00:12:32,955 --> 00:12:33,915 Yeah. 261 00:12:35,115 --> 00:12:37,475 Maybe Alberto was good with his hands. 262 00:12:37,475 --> 00:12:38,915 What's Runcorn House? 263 00:12:38,915 --> 00:12:40,595 It's a placement. 264 00:12:40,595 --> 00:12:42,755 A home? I don't like calling it that. 265 00:12:42,755 --> 00:12:44,555 It's not the right word. 266 00:12:44,555 --> 00:12:45,835 Listen, I've got to go. 267 00:12:45,835 --> 00:12:48,875 I'll give you a lift back to Runcorn. I leave at 5:42. 268 00:12:48,875 --> 00:12:50,915 Look, I've got to go, mate. You can't stay here. 269 00:12:50,915 --> 00:12:53,635 I leave at 5:42 every Sunday. 270 00:12:53,635 --> 00:12:55,595 Are you not going to miss your Christmas dinner? 271 00:12:55,595 --> 00:12:57,995 The only thing I really like is the Christmas crackers. 272 00:12:57,995 --> 00:12:59,835 I really like the jokes! 273 00:12:59,835 --> 00:13:02,155 What's the wettest animal in the world? 274 00:13:02,155 --> 00:13:03,275 A RAIN-deer! 275 00:13:05,115 --> 00:13:07,995 Would you get me cross Santa with a duck? 276 00:13:07,995 --> 00:13:10,595 Christmas QUACK-ers. CHUCKLES 277 00:13:10,595 --> 00:13:14,675 Oh. It's not nice to ruin a joke, you know. My father always laughed 278 00:13:14,675 --> 00:13:16,875 at my jokes, even if he'd heard them. 279 00:13:16,875 --> 00:13:19,355 Was it your dad that brought you here? Yes. 280 00:13:19,355 --> 00:13:22,195 And when was that? When I was 14. 281 00:13:22,195 --> 00:13:24,635 You've been coming to Alberto's all that time? 282 00:13:24,635 --> 00:13:28,075 Yes. Every Sunday until the day he broke my arm. 283 00:13:28,075 --> 00:13:29,555 He what? 284 00:13:29,555 --> 00:13:31,635 I was being stupid and not understanding things, 285 00:13:31,635 --> 00:13:33,075 so he pushed me off my chair. 286 00:13:33,075 --> 00:13:34,995 And quite rightly too. 287 00:13:34,995 --> 00:13:38,555 And in the hospital, I said I fell from a ladder. 288 00:13:38,555 --> 00:13:41,195 But that's...that's not true, Robert. 289 00:13:41,195 --> 00:13:43,675 I know you're not supposed to tell lies, but my father told me 290 00:13:43,675 --> 00:13:45,315 this was an emergency lie. 291 00:13:45,315 --> 00:13:47,595 Otherwise, the police would come and take me and put me 292 00:13:47,595 --> 00:13:49,195 in a treatment unit. 293 00:13:50,355 --> 00:13:53,275 We carried on having peach melbas on a Sunday for a while. 294 00:13:53,275 --> 00:13:55,635 Until one day my dad came and told me 295 00:13:55,635 --> 00:13:57,915 that I had to go into a placement. 296 00:13:57,915 --> 00:14:01,475 Oh. The place with the guy with the bad balls. 297 00:14:01,475 --> 00:14:02,635 No? No. 298 00:14:04,035 --> 00:14:05,835 Listen, 299 00:14:05,835 --> 00:14:07,475 I'm sorry he left you. 300 00:14:07,475 --> 00:14:09,075 Why? 301 00:14:09,075 --> 00:14:11,515 He'd just started a new job, so he would be very busy 302 00:14:11,515 --> 00:14:13,675 and be moving around a lot. 303 00:14:13,675 --> 00:14:17,235 As soon as he settles, he's coming to get me. 304 00:14:17,235 --> 00:14:18,235 Right. 305 00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:21,075 Every Sunday, my father knows 306 00:14:21,075 --> 00:14:23,715 I'll be in Alberto's eating peach melba ice cream. 307 00:14:23,715 --> 00:14:25,115 He might even come today. 308 00:14:25,115 --> 00:14:27,395 He knows I'll be here until 5:42. 309 00:14:30,235 --> 00:14:31,995 Robert? 310 00:14:31,995 --> 00:14:34,035 Do you think maybe you should forget him? 311 00:14:35,355 --> 00:14:38,555 Why would anyone want to forget their father? 312 00:14:38,555 --> 00:14:41,715 Maybe some fathers deserve to be forgotten. 313 00:14:41,715 --> 00:14:45,155 Do you not like your father? Why? 314 00:14:45,155 --> 00:14:47,635 I suppose because once you're a father, 315 00:14:47,635 --> 00:14:49,915 you're not supposed to be selfish. 316 00:14:49,915 --> 00:14:53,395 You know? Once you're a dad, that comes before everything. 317 00:14:55,835 --> 00:14:57,275 Hmm. 318 00:14:57,275 --> 00:15:00,555 And because I always wanted a dog, and now he's bought himself one. 319 00:15:19,795 --> 00:15:24,675 ALARM BEEPS 320 00:15:46,555 --> 00:15:48,315 Oh, come on! 321 00:15:48,315 --> 00:15:50,835 No-one told me about this. 322 00:15:50,835 --> 00:15:52,515 No, I'm not doing this. 323 00:15:52,515 --> 00:15:53,515 No. 324 00:15:56,755 --> 00:15:58,595 DOOR LOCKS 325 00:16:00,435 --> 00:16:01,795 HE GROANS 326 00:16:10,635 --> 00:16:12,075 HE KNOCKS 327 00:16:15,915 --> 00:16:17,955 Robert? 328 00:16:17,955 --> 00:16:21,955 Robert! Robert? 329 00:16:21,955 --> 00:16:23,795 Robert, the door's stuck! 330 00:16:25,715 --> 00:16:28,515 Robert? Robert! 331 00:16:38,195 --> 00:16:41,435 PHONE RINGS 332 00:16:44,915 --> 00:16:46,915 Good afternoon. My name is Robert Kendrick. 333 00:16:46,915 --> 00:16:49,875 Robert, thank goodness you're still there. It's me, Wicky. 334 00:16:49,875 --> 00:16:51,195 Who is this? 335 00:16:51,195 --> 00:16:53,835 It's me. Wicky. The guy who just made you the peach melba. 336 00:16:53,835 --> 00:16:55,915 Wicky? That's a strange name. 337 00:16:55,915 --> 00:16:58,715 It's a nickname, so... Whatever. 338 00:16:58,715 --> 00:17:02,795 Robert, my real name's Paul. OK? Paul Wickstead. Right? 339 00:17:02,795 --> 00:17:05,795 Now, listen, I'm stuck in the freezer downstairs. 340 00:17:05,795 --> 00:17:07,635 Is this another Christmas joke? 341 00:17:07,635 --> 00:17:09,155 No, I'm stuck in the freezer, kid. 342 00:17:09,155 --> 00:17:11,515 I didn't do it. I know you didn't. 343 00:17:11,515 --> 00:17:13,635 Robert, listen, I need you to come downstairs 344 00:17:13,635 --> 00:17:15,795 and open the freezer door for me, all right? 345 00:17:15,795 --> 00:17:17,915 But I don't have permission to cross the red line. 346 00:17:19,555 --> 00:17:22,635 OK, Robert, listen, you have my permission. 347 00:17:22,635 --> 00:17:24,715 But I need Alberto's permission. 348 00:17:24,715 --> 00:17:26,475 But he's dead. Do you remember? 349 00:17:26,475 --> 00:17:29,395 So I need the police's permission, like you got. 350 00:17:29,395 --> 00:17:31,835 Alberto always told me, "Robert, no cross the..." 351 00:17:33,675 --> 00:17:34,675 Robert? 352 00:17:36,915 --> 00:17:38,195 Robert? 353 00:17:40,555 --> 00:17:41,995 Are you still there? 354 00:17:43,435 --> 00:17:45,115 I'm sorry. 355 00:17:45,115 --> 00:17:46,875 Alberto was my friend. 356 00:17:46,875 --> 00:17:50,115 Alberto always told me not to cross the red line. 357 00:17:50,115 --> 00:17:53,635 So I must respect his wish now that he has gone. 358 00:17:53,635 --> 00:17:55,595 RIP, Alberto. 359 00:17:55,595 --> 00:17:57,555 No, no, no, no, no, no. Robert? 360 00:17:57,555 --> 00:17:59,875 Robert? Robert? 361 00:18:01,515 --> 00:18:02,915 Robert! 362 00:18:04,275 --> 00:18:07,755 Robert! Robert! 363 00:18:14,435 --> 00:18:16,955 PHONE RINGS 364 00:18:24,675 --> 00:18:26,835 PHONE CONTINUES TO RING 365 00:18:34,475 --> 00:18:35,595 Good afternoon. 366 00:18:35,595 --> 00:18:38,635 Hey, Robert. You're still there. It's me again. 367 00:18:38,635 --> 00:18:41,715 I don't like shouting, so I've made you quieter now. 368 00:18:41,715 --> 00:18:43,715 Yeah, yeah, OK. I'm sorry about that. 369 00:18:43,715 --> 00:18:46,955 Listen, I am going to need your help to get out of this freezer 370 00:18:46,955 --> 00:18:50,235 because it really is starting to live up to its reputation now. 371 00:18:50,235 --> 00:18:53,195 But I don't have permission to cross the red line, and that is that. 372 00:18:53,195 --> 00:18:54,915 Robert, I'm in trouble here, mate! 373 00:18:54,915 --> 00:18:57,715 Sorry. Robert? Robbie? Roberto? 374 00:18:57,715 --> 00:19:00,275 Robert, please. Yeah. Sorry. 375 00:19:00,275 --> 00:19:03,715 Robert, do you have your own phone? 376 00:19:03,715 --> 00:19:06,275 Yes, I do, but I don't use it very often. 377 00:19:06,275 --> 00:19:09,155 The phone company keep ringing me to ask if I want more data, 378 00:19:09,155 --> 00:19:11,275 but I keep telling them I've quite sufficient data, 379 00:19:11,275 --> 00:19:12,675 thank you very much. Robert... 380 00:19:12,675 --> 00:19:15,195 Did you know people in Finland have unlimited access to data? 381 00:19:15,195 --> 00:19:16,515 I couldn't give a shit. 382 00:19:16,515 --> 00:19:19,355 Sorry. Sorry, Robert. Don't hang up. Don't hang up. Don't hang up. 383 00:19:19,355 --> 00:19:20,595 Robert... 384 00:19:20,595 --> 00:19:23,955 I don't really care about tariffs for phones in Finland, 385 00:19:23,955 --> 00:19:25,395 but if you want to talk about it, 386 00:19:25,395 --> 00:19:27,035 we'll talk about it as much as you like 387 00:19:27,035 --> 00:19:28,595 as soon as I'm out of the freezer. 388 00:19:28,595 --> 00:19:31,755 So, listen, I know you can't cross the red line 389 00:19:31,755 --> 00:19:34,915 and I don't want you to, but can you do something for me? 390 00:19:34,915 --> 00:19:36,675 Would you phone 999? 391 00:19:36,675 --> 00:19:38,795 But that is the emergency services. 392 00:19:38,795 --> 00:19:40,595 Yeah, because here's the thing, 393 00:19:40,595 --> 00:19:43,675 the fat man freezing to death is kind of an emergency. 394 00:19:43,675 --> 00:19:45,475 I need you to call the police. 395 00:19:45,475 --> 00:19:46,755 Has a law been broken? 396 00:19:46,755 --> 00:19:49,075 It will be if I ever get out of here, kid. 397 00:19:49,075 --> 00:19:50,595 Sorry. Sorry. 398 00:19:52,995 --> 00:19:54,435 Call the police. 399 00:19:54,435 --> 00:19:56,275 But they will ask questions. 400 00:19:56,275 --> 00:19:58,475 I'm not allowed to answer police questions. 401 00:19:58,475 --> 00:20:00,115 Remember? I promised my father. 402 00:20:00,115 --> 00:20:01,595 I am your father! 403 00:20:01,595 --> 00:20:03,075 What? I don't know. 404 00:20:03,075 --> 00:20:06,395 I'm not thinking straight. Call the police. 405 00:20:06,395 --> 00:20:09,275 But if my father finds out, he might not come back. 406 00:20:09,275 --> 00:20:11,715 Your father is wrong, OK? 407 00:20:11,715 --> 00:20:14,035 The police are the right people to ring. 408 00:20:14,035 --> 00:20:15,355 They'll know what to do. 409 00:20:15,355 --> 00:20:18,595 Call the police. My father told me exactly what would happen. 410 00:20:18,595 --> 00:20:21,235 I would become a fugitive from justice and have to descend 411 00:20:21,235 --> 00:20:24,195 into the criminal underbelly in order to procure false papers 412 00:20:24,195 --> 00:20:26,955 but the police would corner me in a warehouse... What? ..and there 413 00:20:26,955 --> 00:20:29,155 would be a helicopter with a spotlight, with a man with a 414 00:20:29,155 --> 00:20:31,715 megaphone wearing a blue jacket... Robert... ..with "police" 415 00:20:31,715 --> 00:20:34,715 on the back. He would tell me I must remain calm and that I'm surrounded 416 00:20:34,715 --> 00:20:36,675 but there would be a sniper perched on the roof 417 00:20:36,675 --> 00:20:39,515 of an apartment building... Robert! 418 00:20:39,515 --> 00:20:41,155 Yes? 419 00:20:41,155 --> 00:20:45,275 Has it ever occurred to you that your father might not be come... 420 00:20:48,275 --> 00:20:50,275 Hey, Robert? 421 00:20:50,275 --> 00:20:51,955 Is my phone up there? 422 00:20:51,955 --> 00:20:53,955 PHONE RINGS 423 00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:57,195 Sis. Sis! 424 00:20:57,195 --> 00:20:59,035 Shithead. Have you been round? 425 00:20:59,035 --> 00:21:01,315 No, no, listen. I've got a real situation here. 426 00:21:01,315 --> 00:21:02,875 You've got a situation? 427 00:21:02,875 --> 00:21:05,395 The kid's throwing up all over Nigel's mum's rug 428 00:21:05,395 --> 00:21:08,675 and its dad is sitting in the car listening to true crime podcasts 429 00:21:08,675 --> 00:21:09,995 and drinking Babycham. 430 00:21:09,995 --> 00:21:12,515 Listen. I need you. I'm not asking for much, Wicky. 431 00:21:12,515 --> 00:21:15,275 I just want you to swallow your pride this year. 432 00:21:15,275 --> 00:21:17,715 Who prioritises a horse raffle over their own family? 433 00:21:17,715 --> 00:21:19,995 It's got nothing to do with a horse raffle. Listen... 434 00:21:19,995 --> 00:21:22,475 Oh, God, the bloody kid's throwing up Haribos again. 435 00:21:22,475 --> 00:21:24,235 Step away from the bloody rug! 436 00:21:24,235 --> 00:21:26,435 I'm trapped in a freezer. I need you to call the police. 437 00:21:26,435 --> 00:21:29,675 Sis! I sometimes think that you got it right, you know, 438 00:21:29,675 --> 00:21:32,115 never marrying. Sis! Go and see Dad. 439 00:21:32,115 --> 00:21:34,755 If you don't want to do that, write him a letter or something. 440 00:21:34,755 --> 00:21:37,595 Sis! Put him out of his misery. You owe him that at least. 441 00:21:37,595 --> 00:21:40,155 I'm trapped in a freezer. I need you to call the police. 442 00:21:40,155 --> 00:21:42,075 DISCONNECT TONE Sis! 443 00:21:46,595 --> 00:21:48,235 Thank you. 444 00:22:08,915 --> 00:22:10,995 PHONE RINGS 445 00:22:25,315 --> 00:22:26,795 Robert Kendrick? 446 00:22:27,995 --> 00:22:29,835 I thought it might be you. 447 00:22:29,835 --> 00:22:31,995 That's what it says on the front of this letter. 448 00:22:31,995 --> 00:22:33,235 Robert Kendrick. 449 00:22:37,715 --> 00:22:39,955 I don't understand. 450 00:22:39,955 --> 00:22:41,555 I found a letter. 451 00:22:41,555 --> 00:22:44,475 On the front, it says, "To Robert Kendrick, from his father." 452 00:22:46,675 --> 00:22:49,555 A letter from my father? But how? 453 00:22:49,555 --> 00:22:54,315 I don't know. I guess maybe he gave it to Alberto to look after 454 00:22:54,315 --> 00:22:57,275 and during the fight maybe it fell out of his pocket or something. 455 00:22:57,275 --> 00:22:58,635 Something like that. 456 00:22:59,875 --> 00:23:01,515 What does the letter say? 457 00:23:01,515 --> 00:23:03,235 I don't have permission to open it. 458 00:23:03,235 --> 00:23:05,955 Opening other people's mail is... It's a criminal offence. 459 00:23:05,955 --> 00:23:07,795 And I don't have permission, Robert. 460 00:23:07,795 --> 00:23:09,595 You have my permission. 461 00:23:09,595 --> 00:23:12,275 Hmm. That's not good enough, I'm afraid. I need written permission 462 00:23:12,275 --> 00:23:13,875 or the judge would throw the book at me. 463 00:23:13,875 --> 00:23:16,635 Then I'd get into a shoot-out with the police, Robert, you know? 464 00:23:16,635 --> 00:23:18,755 What book would the judge throw? 465 00:23:20,195 --> 00:23:21,595 The Bible. 466 00:23:25,275 --> 00:23:28,795 MUSIC: Carol of the Bells 467 00:23:31,755 --> 00:23:33,395 Please. Please. Please. 468 00:23:35,035 --> 00:23:36,835 One... 469 00:23:36,835 --> 00:23:38,155 ..two... 470 00:23:39,595 --> 00:23:41,715 ..three... 471 00:23:41,715 --> 00:23:43,395 ..four... 472 00:23:44,755 --> 00:23:46,395 ..five... 473 00:23:46,395 --> 00:23:47,675 ..six... 474 00:23:57,035 --> 00:23:59,195 Hello, Robert Kendrick. 475 00:24:05,315 --> 00:24:06,715 You lied to me. 476 00:24:07,715 --> 00:24:09,595 There's no letter. 477 00:24:09,595 --> 00:24:13,755 Oh, no! What did I do with that letter? 478 00:24:13,755 --> 00:24:15,315 You're a liar. 479 00:24:15,315 --> 00:24:19,355 No. I just must have dropped it down there. 480 00:24:19,355 --> 00:24:20,595 I'll get it. 481 00:24:32,995 --> 00:24:34,315 There. 482 00:24:35,995 --> 00:24:39,595 Uh... I thought I might read it for you, if you... 483 00:24:45,315 --> 00:24:47,755 "Dear Robert, this is your father." 484 00:24:47,755 --> 00:24:49,155 Oh, it is him. 485 00:24:50,595 --> 00:24:54,435 "I wanted to write this letter to tell you how proud I am of you. 486 00:24:54,435 --> 00:24:57,275 "I'll bet that you've come for ice cream every single Sunday 487 00:24:57,275 --> 00:24:59,315 "since we said goodbye." 488 00:24:59,315 --> 00:25:00,515 He remembers. 489 00:25:01,955 --> 00:25:06,555 "You're reliable, Robert. And that will always help you. 490 00:25:06,555 --> 00:25:11,315 "I hope you understand that sometimes it's hard being a parent. 491 00:25:11,315 --> 00:25:14,475 "I know I promised I would come back, but sometimes 492 00:25:14,475 --> 00:25:18,435 "life gets in the way, and it breaks your promises for you. 493 00:25:18,435 --> 00:25:22,795 "I want you to know that life is full of possibilities. 494 00:25:22,795 --> 00:25:24,515 "Go off and enjoy yours 495 00:25:24,515 --> 00:25:28,035 "and know that, even though my work has kept us apart, 496 00:25:28,035 --> 00:25:29,795 "I am always thinking about you. 497 00:25:33,835 --> 00:25:36,515 "By the way, I found out that I'm lactose intolerant, 498 00:25:36,515 --> 00:25:39,595 "which is another reason why I can never return to Alberto's. 499 00:25:39,595 --> 00:25:41,355 "Ice cream brings me out in a rash. 500 00:25:41,355 --> 00:25:45,235 "Maybe that's why I was so angry in the past." Ah. 501 00:25:45,235 --> 00:25:49,595 "Take care, with love, your father." 502 00:25:49,595 --> 00:25:51,795 Well, that was lovely. 503 00:25:51,795 --> 00:25:55,395 That last bit seemed a bit rushed but it's, it's lovely. 504 00:25:57,195 --> 00:25:58,435 Yes, I liked it. 505 00:25:59,835 --> 00:26:01,515 May I see it? Hmm? 506 00:26:01,515 --> 00:26:03,515 The letter? May I see it? 507 00:26:03,515 --> 00:26:05,235 If you want to. 508 00:26:05,235 --> 00:26:08,995 I do. It's your letter. If you want to see it, you can see it. 509 00:26:16,915 --> 00:26:20,115 I think when you're emotional, it can affect your handwriting. 510 00:26:28,475 --> 00:26:29,915 It's a nice letter. 511 00:26:33,795 --> 00:26:35,275 It is a nice letter. 512 00:26:38,235 --> 00:26:39,875 Thank you, Wicky. 513 00:26:41,675 --> 00:26:43,355 But he's not coming back, is he? 514 00:26:45,435 --> 00:26:47,115 I don't think so, Robert. 515 00:26:51,435 --> 00:26:54,235 So, what are your Christmas plans? 516 00:26:54,235 --> 00:26:56,155 Between now and 5:42, I mean. 517 00:26:58,395 --> 00:27:00,355 KNOCKING 518 00:27:08,115 --> 00:27:09,795 Son. 519 00:27:09,795 --> 00:27:11,555 Dad. 520 00:27:11,555 --> 00:27:14,395 I've, um... I brought a new friend. 521 00:27:16,995 --> 00:27:19,675 Good afternoon. My name is Robert Kendrick. 522 00:27:19,675 --> 00:27:21,195 Hello, Robert. 523 00:27:21,195 --> 00:27:23,315 I've got a new friend as well. 524 00:27:24,915 --> 00:27:27,195 I can't believe you bought a dog. 525 00:27:27,195 --> 00:27:29,635 You always wanted one, didn't you? 526 00:27:31,035 --> 00:27:32,275 You remembered. 527 00:27:34,115 --> 00:27:37,555 CHRISTMAS MUSIC SWELLS 528 00:27:40,195 --> 00:27:43,035 No. Your sister's only just told me. 529 00:27:43,035 --> 00:27:45,675 Better watch him, he's a piss machine. 530 00:27:48,955 --> 00:27:50,355 Where are you going? 531 00:27:50,355 --> 00:27:51,595 Lock-in at the pub. 532 00:27:51,595 --> 00:27:54,555 There's a horse up for grabs in Weasel's raffle. 533 00:27:54,555 --> 00:27:56,435 You should have got a ticket. 534 00:27:56,435 --> 00:27:58,275 Bring the dog back Boxing Day. 535 00:28:01,315 --> 00:28:04,355 Wicky, maybe you should forget him. 536 00:28:06,195 --> 00:28:07,835 There we are. Thanks. 537 00:28:07,835 --> 00:28:09,435 Cracker? Yeah. 538 00:28:09,435 --> 00:28:11,475 Hey! Hey, I win! 539 00:28:11,475 --> 00:28:12,915 Nail clipper. A nail clipper. 540 00:28:12,915 --> 00:28:14,515 What's the joke? What's the joke? 541 00:28:14,515 --> 00:28:16,555 What do reindeers hang on their Christmas trees? 542 00:28:16,555 --> 00:28:17,875 Dunno. 543 00:28:17,875 --> 00:28:19,475 ROBERT LAUGHS 544 00:28:19,475 --> 00:28:21,035 I don't know, Robert! 545 00:28:22,915 --> 00:28:24,675 Robert, what's the punchline? 546 00:28:24,675 --> 00:28:26,795 ROBERT CARRIES ON LAUGHING