This programme contains some strong language and adult humour
PHONE RINGS
Happy Christmas, sis. You going, then? Am I going where?
It's Christmas Day! You bloody well know where.
To Dad's. The boot, Nigel!
Wake up. Well, are you?
No, I've told you I'm not. We're going to Nigel's folk
and the parasite is really kicking off.
Dad, she called me parasite again!
Well, you are a bloody parasite.
You've ruined my body.
Ruined it.
You have to go, Wicky, end of.
I've got plans.
The White Horse are doing a full Christmas dinner.
Microwave turkey is dangerous, Wicky.
Have you not learnt from last time?
It's not just the dinner - Weasel's going a raffle
during the King's Speech.
You can win a horse. Like, an actual horse.
It's Christmas, Wicky.
You should be able to put aside your differences at Christmas.
YOU put aside my differences at Christmas.
Take him to Nigel's parents with you.
Well, I can't, because of Pablo.
Nigel's mum's allergic.
Her throat puffs up like a toad.
Who the hell's Pablo?
Dad's new dog.
I love Pablo!
Yes. We all know you love Pablo.
My God, they repeat themselves at this age.
He's bought a dog?! Yes. It's really cute.
Have you any idea how many times I asked him for a dog
when we were kids? It's all I ever wanted.
And he used to say, "Oh, no, they're..."
BOTH: "..rats that bark and shit."
Right, well, that's it. I'm definitely not going.
He deserves to be on his own and you know it.
And you're going to end up just like him.
Think about going round to Dad's, Wicky. He's an old man.
It's Christmas.
Nigel!
Will you open this bloody boot?!
Right, then.
Let's dance.
Moderate-to-severe blood pooling, limited staining on porous surfaces,
but mostly fake marble and Formica.
Two hours 30, tops.
And then Turkey, pint, new horse.
Let's have it, Santa.
# Santa, baby
# Slip the sable under the tree for me
# I've been an awful good girl
# Santa, baby
# So hurry down the chimney tonight
# Santa, baby
# A '54 convertible too
# Bright blue
# Well, I'll wait up for you, dear,
# Santa, baby
# So hurry down the chimney tonight
# So hurry down the chimney toni... #
Hey!
Get out of it.
Good afternoon. My name is Robert Kendrick.
The parlour's closed. The parlour's...
Good afternoon. My name is Robert...
What are you doing here, kid?
It's Sunday. And...? Every Sunday,
I get a peach melba ice cream in Alberto's.
It's Christmas Day.
It is also Sunday. Right.
OK. Listen, Robert... Robert Kendrick. Yes, listen,
Robert Kendrick, the parlour is closed.
Most shops are closed.
It's Christmas Day.
Alberto opens EVERY Sunday.
He is an Italian-Jewish person, so he does not celebrate Christmas.
Now, could you please inform Alberto that
I've arrived for my peach melba?
OK. You probably shouldn't hear this on the news. Come in.
I'm sorry to have to break this to you, Robert,
but Alberto's passed.
On. He's passed on.
He's...
He's gone over to the other side.
He's left this earthly plane.
He's a...he's a cloud gardener.
He dances with the angels, Robert.
He is...
He's got two goose arms.
You're trying to tell me Alberto is dead.
I'm afraid so.
Oh...
Then I shall need to know the cause of death.
For my journal.
Oh, OK.
He was killed. How?
A bad man hit him with a plank.
A plank is not a suitable weapon.
It might have been a plank. But you said it was a plank just now.
Yeah, I know, but... Was it a plank or not?
It might have been a bat.
Cricket bat or a baseball bat?
Cricket?
Alberto was battered to death.
Cricket bat. ..bat.
I didn't do it.
I'll be sure to tell the police they can rule you out.
You better go home.
Alberto said he'd take me home at 5:42pm.
That's the time my bus usually goes home. As there are no buses
on Christmas Day, Alberto said he'd take me home at the same time.
5:42pm. I'm a valued customer.
Alberto can't drive because of the whole dead thing.
I'm afraid the parlour is closed, even to valued customers.
So...
But you're here and you're just a cleaner. Be that as it may,
clean I must. So, if you'll forgive me, Robert...
Robert Kendrick. Yes.
PHONE RINGS
HE SIGHS
I'm not going.
We've just popped in there.
Listen, he's really sorry.
He says he thinks about you all the time.
He actually thinks a lot of his past behaviour was caused
by his lactose intolerance.
Oh, for God's sake, will you listen to yourself?
He's going to write you a letter.
He's going to write a letter? What, on a betting slip?
He says he's changed. He wants you to meet the dog, Wicky.
I love Pablo!
Yes, we know.
First you wreck my tits and now you drive me crazy.
If I could turn back time.
I'd like a peach melba, please.
Am I missing something here, mate?
The parlour is closed.
You have forgotten my name and used mate as a replacement.
I should have formally introduced myself.
I haven't forgotten your name.
The parlour is closed.
My name is Robert Kendrick. I am 22 years old.
At least we're getting some new information through now.
I live in Norford, a 23-minute bus journey from here.
Hand me a pen, I'll ghost-write your memoirs.
And I'm autistic.
Yes, well, that's...
..fantastic!
Is it...because of the...
..welcoming...
We want to include, welcome.
We're all welcome here, aren't we?
It's the pizza of life.
What do we want? Do we want just cheese? NO.
We want to put some pickles on it if we want.
I think, and I think everyone thinks this, everyone is a little bit
autistic, aren't they?
No. No.
Who said that? I did. Am I autistic?
No, I'm not autistic.
You're autistic.
And that...is...good.
Alan Turing was autistic.
The mathematician who helped to crack the Enigma code
during World War II and saved hundreds of thousands of lives.
Do you know what the authorities did to him?
Well, I'm hoping they gave him a lovely medal.
They castrated him because he was a homosexual. Mm.
Chemically. His testicles became redundant.
Well, I know that feeling.
You do? Are you a homosexual? No.
I'm disgusted by my own genitals, Roberto.
I don't want to get another man's involved, but good luck
to those lads. Could be that your testosterone
levels have naturally lowered because of your age.
Have you found you're developing breasts?
Peach melba.
Coming right up.
And then we can all go for Christmas, can't we?
Who gave you permission to go behind the red line?
Erm...
..the police gave me permission. Hm.
The red line authority went from Alberto to the police.
Alberto always told me I would never be able to cross the red line
for health and safety reasons.
The police have vetted me for health and safety reasons,
and they have confirmed that I am safe and...
..health.
How do you make a melba?
One scoop of chocolate ice cream.
One scoop of vanilla ice cream.
One scoop of peach ice cream.
Then cream on top of the ice cream.
Then white chocolate flakes on top of the cream.
And then on top of the white chocolate flakes
is raspberry sauce. Right.
And then a chocolate stick.
Except I get two chocolate sticks because I'm a valued customer.
LOUD CLANGING
So...
Vanilla. But the... What's next?
But the... What's next?
Peach. It's a peach melba. Right.
But that's not vanilla.
That is banana. There is no banana.
OK.
Now there is banana residue on my glass.
Not a problem.
And...vanilla.
Yes, but... Ah-ah. Peach.
It's a peach melba, after all.
And then...cream.
And - I haven't forgotten -
white chocolate flakes.
Thank you.
And next... Now raspberry sauce in an arcing motion.
In a...? Arcing motion.
Or the sauce will pull. If I don't arc, the sauce will pull.
Finally...a chocolate stick.
Except I get two. Except you get
two chocolate sticks, because you are valued customer Robert...
..Kendrick.
There is no scoop of chocolate. You never mentioned chocolate.
I mentioned chocolate. Pretty sure you didn't mention chocolate.
Would it be helpful if I wrote it all down for you?
No, it wouldn't be helpful if you wrote it all down for me.
Do you find me irritating?
Oh, well... You seem to find irritating.
I don't find you irritating.
Perfectly OK if you do find me irritating. I know I can be.
Not...to...me.
The chocolate goes under the vanilla.
Are you joking? How can that be a joke?
It's just a fact.
Alberto calls the chocolate the soil the house is built on.
Silly me for not knowing the melba protocol.
I'd better go back to university!
ROBERT WHIMPERS
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, hey, hey. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry.
My fault. It was my fault.
I'm in trouble, aren't I? No, no, no, no, no.
I'll clean it up.
That's my job.
And then I'll make another peach melba, in Alberto's, on a Sunday.
Who killed Alberto?
He was nice.
Why would anyone want to kill him?
Do you know what playing away means? Alberto was too obese to be
involved with organised sports so I presume you mean that he was
having sexual intercourse with another man's wife?
You do know what it means. Of course.
Mr Ferguson, the deputy manager at Runcorn House, was repeatedly
being unfaithful to his partner...
..until he developed scrotal lesions. Back on testicles again,
Robert. If the man's wife was having sex with Alberto,
then maybe that just means Alberto was better at sex than the man.
Yeah.
Maybe Alberto was good with his hands.
What's Runcorn House?
It's a placement.
A home? I don't like calling it that.
It's not the right word.
Listen, I've got to go.
I'll give you a lift back to Runcorn. I leave at 5:42.
Look, I've got to go, mate. You can't stay here.
I leave at 5:42 every Sunday.
Are you not going to miss your Christmas dinner?
The only thing I really like is the Christmas crackers.
I really like the jokes!
What's the wettest animal in the world?
A RAIN-deer!
Would you get me cross Santa with a duck?
Christmas QUACK-ers. CHUCKLES
Oh. It's not nice to ruin a joke, you know. My father always laughed
at my jokes, even if he'd heard them.
Was it your dad that brought you here? Yes.
And when was that? When I was 14.
You've been coming to Alberto's all that time?
Yes. Every Sunday until the day he broke my arm.
He what?
I was being stupid and not understanding things,
so he pushed me off my chair.
And quite rightly too.
And in the hospital, I said I fell from a ladder.
But that's...that's not true, Robert.
I know you're not supposed to tell lies, but my father told me
this was an emergency lie.
Otherwise, the police would come and take me and put me
in a treatment unit.
We carried on having peach melbas on a Sunday for a while.
Until one day my dad came and told me
that I had to go into a placement.
Oh. The place with the guy with the bad balls.
No? No.
Listen,
I'm sorry he left you.
Why?
He'd just started a new job, so he would be very busy
and be moving around a lot.
As soon as he settles, he's coming to get me.
Right.
Every Sunday, my father knows
I'll be in Alberto's eating peach melba ice cream.
He might even come today.
He knows I'll be here until 5:42.
Robert?
Do you think maybe you should forget him?
Why would anyone want to forget their father?
Maybe some fathers deserve to be forgotten.
Do you not like your father? Why?
I suppose because once you're a father,
you're not supposed to be selfish.
You know? Once you're a dad, that comes before everything.
Hmm.
And because I always wanted a dog, and now he's bought himself one.
ALARM BEEPS
Oh, come on!
No-one told me about this.
No, I'm not doing this.
No.
DOOR LOCKS
HE GROANS
HE KNOCKS
Robert?
Robert! Robert?
Robert, the door's stuck!
Robert? Robert!
PHONE RINGS
Good afternoon. My name is Robert Kendrick.
Robert, thank goodness you're still there. It's me, Wicky.
Who is this?
It's me. Wicky. The guy who just made you the peach melba.
Wicky? That's a strange name.
It's a nickname, so... Whatever.
Robert, my real name's Paul. OK? Paul Wickstead. Right?
Now, listen, I'm stuck in the freezer downstairs.
Is this another Christmas joke?
No, I'm stuck in the freezer, kid.
I didn't do it. I know you didn't.
Robert, listen, I need you to come downstairs
and open the freezer door for me, all right?
But I don't have permission to cross the red line.
OK, Robert, listen, you have my permission.
But I need Alberto's permission.
But he's dead. Do you remember?
So I need the police's permission, like you got.
Alberto always told me, "Robert, no cross the..."
Robert?
Are you still there?
I'm sorry.
Alberto was my friend.
Alberto always told me not to cross the red line.
So I must respect his wish now that he has gone.
RIP, Alberto.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Robert?
Robert? Robert?
Robert!
Robert! Robert!
PHONE RINGS
PHONE CONTINUES TO RING
Good afternoon.
Hey, Robert. You're still there. It's me again.
I don't like shouting, so I've made you quieter now.
Yeah, yeah, OK. I'm sorry about that.
Listen, I am going to need your help to get out of this freezer
because it really is starting to live up to its reputation now.
But I don't have permission to cross the red line, and that is that.
Robert, I'm in trouble here, mate!
Sorry. Robert? Robbie? Roberto?
Robert, please. Yeah. Sorry.
Robert, do you have your own phone?
Yes, I do, but I don't use it very often.
The phone company keep ringing me to ask if I want more data,
but I keep telling them I've quite sufficient data,
thank you very much. Robert...
Did you know people in Finland have unlimited access to data?
I couldn't give a shit.
Sorry. Sorry, Robert. Don't hang up. Don't hang up. Don't hang up.
Robert...
I don't really care about tariffs for phones in Finland,
but if you want to talk about it,
we'll talk about it as much as you like
as soon as I'm out of the freezer.
So, listen, I know you can't cross the red line
and I don't want you to, but can you do something for me?
Would you phone 999?
But that is the emergency services.
Yeah, because here's the thing,
the fat man freezing to death is kind of an emergency.
I need you to call the police.
Has a law been broken?
It will be if I ever get out of here, kid.
Sorry. Sorry.
Call the police.
But they will ask questions.
I'm not allowed to answer police questions.
Remember? I promised my father.
I am your father!
What? I don't know.
I'm not thinking straight. Call the police.
But if my father finds out, he might not come back.
Your father is wrong, OK?
The police are the right people to ring.
They'll know what to do.
Call the police. My father told me exactly what would happen.
I would become a fugitive from justice and have to descend
into the criminal underbelly in order to procure false papers
but the police would corner me in a warehouse... What? ..and there
would be a helicopter with a spotlight, with a man with a
megaphone wearing a blue jacket... Robert... ..with "police"
on the back. He would tell me I must remain calm and that I'm surrounded
but there would be a sniper perched on the roof
of an apartment building... Robert!
Yes?
Has it ever occurred to you that your father might not be come...
Hey, Robert?
Is my phone up there?
PHONE RINGS
Sis. Sis!
Shithead. Have you been round?
No, no, listen. I've got a real situation here.
You've got a situation?
The kid's throwing up all over Nigel's mum's rug
and its dad is sitting in the car listening to true crime podcasts
and drinking Babycham.
Listen. I need you. I'm not asking for much, Wicky.
I just want you to swallow your pride this year.
Who prioritises a horse raffle over their own family?
It's got nothing to do with a horse raffle. Listen...
Oh, God, the bloody kid's throwing up Haribos again.
Step away from the bloody rug!
I'm trapped in a freezer. I need you to call the police.
Sis! I sometimes think that you got it right, you know,
never marrying. Sis! Go and see Dad.
If you don't want to do that, write him a letter or something.
Sis! Put him out of his misery. You owe him that at least.
I'm trapped in a freezer. I need you to call the police.
DISCONNECT TONE Sis!
Thank you.
PHONE RINGS
Robert Kendrick?
I thought it might be you.
That's what it says on the front of this letter.
Robert Kendrick.
I don't understand.
I found a letter.
On the front, it says, "To Robert Kendrick, from his father."
A letter from my father? But how?
I don't know. I guess maybe he gave it to Alberto to look after
and during the fight maybe it fell out of his pocket or something.
Something like that.
What does the letter say?
I don't have permission to open it.
Opening other people's mail is... It's a criminal offence.
And I don't have permission, Robert.
You have my permission.
Hmm. That's not good enough, I'm afraid. I need written permission
or the judge would throw the book at me.
Then I'd get into a shoot-out with the police, Robert, you know?
What book would the judge throw?
The Bible.
MUSIC: Carol of the Bells
Please. Please. Please.
One...
..two...
..three...
..four...
..five...
..six...
Hello, Robert Kendrick.
You lied to me.
There's no letter.
Oh, no! What did I do with that letter?
You're a liar.
No. I just must have dropped it down there.
I'll get it.
There.
Uh... I thought I might read it for you, if you...
"Dear Robert, this is your father."
Oh, it is him.
"I wanted to write this letter to tell you how proud I am of you.
"I'll bet that you've come for ice cream every single Sunday
"since we said goodbye."
He remembers.
"You're reliable, Robert. And that will always help you.
"I hope you understand that sometimes it's hard being a parent.
"I know I promised I would come back, but sometimes
"life gets in the way, and it breaks your promises for you.
"I want you to know that life is full of possibilities.
"Go off and enjoy yours
"and know that, even though my work has kept us apart,
"I am always thinking about you.
"By the way, I found out that I'm lactose intolerant,
"which is another reason why I can never return to Alberto's.
"Ice cream brings me out in a rash.
"Maybe that's why I was so angry in the past." Ah.
"Take care, with love, your father."
Well, that was lovely.
That last bit seemed a bit rushed but it's, it's lovely.
Yes, I liked it.
May I see it? Hmm?
The letter? May I see it?
If you want to.
I do. It's your letter. If you want to see it, you can see it.
I think when you're emotional, it can affect your handwriting.
It's a nice letter.
It is a nice letter.
Thank you, Wicky.
But he's not coming back, is he?
I don't think so, Robert.
So, what are your Christmas plans?
Between now and 5:42, I mean.
KNOCKING
Son.
Dad.
I've, um... I brought a new friend.
Good afternoon. My name is Robert Kendrick.
Hello, Robert.
I've got a new friend as well.
I can't believe you bought a dog.
You always wanted one, didn't you?
You remembered.
CHRISTMAS MUSIC SWELLS
No. Your sister's only just told me.
Better watch him, he's a piss machine.
Where are you going?
Lock-in at the pub.
There's a horse up for grabs in Weasel's raffle.
You should have got a ticket.
Bring the dog back Boxing Day.
Wicky, maybe you should forget him.
There we are. Thanks.
Cracker? Yeah.
Hey! Hey, I win!
Nail clipper. A nail clipper.
What's the joke? What's the joke?
What do reindeers hang on their Christmas trees?
Dunno.
ROBERT LAUGHS
I don't know, Robert!
Robert, what's the punchline?
ROBERT CARRIES ON LAUGHING