The members of my Cabinet are here for one reason and one reason only -
because they are the best people for the job!
CHEERING
You just keep on climbing, all the way to the top.
All I want is for you to pass on any information that comes your way.
Will I be paid?
Er, Barbara, I don't think you've met my secretary, Sheila Buckley.
I'm afraid, er,
Harold didn't think you were quite 100%.
This is a mess. You've got to sort this out.
HE SOBS
We seem to have uncovered some inconsistencies
about your business dealings.
It's the police!
Births never talked to Deaths. Deaths never talked to Births.
There was no communication between the two departments.
Where are you going, Dad? Er, Miami.
How long for? Only for a few days.
Have a good flight, Mr Carey.
CHIMING
Thank you.
Prime Minister.
I know that members on both sides of the House
will want to join with me
in sending deepest condolences to members of Mr Stonehouse's family.
ALL: Hear, hear.
PING
'Ah, that's an absolute ripper from Jeff Thomson!
'It rears up off a length
'and misses the edge of Mike Denness's bat by a whisker!'
'It is now five days since the Labour MP John Stonehouse
'disappeared off this beach in Florida.
'In those five days,
'there's been no indication as to what might have happened to him.
'At first, it was thought
'Mr Stonehouse may have got into difficulties and drowned,
'but earlier today came a dramatic development
'with reports that he may have been the victim of a Mafia execution.
'According to sources in Miami, Mr Stonehouse may have become
'unwittingly involved with the notorious crime syndicate
'in a business deal that went wrong.'
'In other news, Scotland Yard have confirmed that they wish to question
'the missing peer, Lord Lucan,
'about the murder of his children's nanny...'
Mafia? Christ alive!
He's the Member for Walsall North, not Little Italy.
I've got a Member of the House of Lords
who's apparently vanished without trace,
and an MP who seems to have gone swimming with the fishes.
At this rate, there'll be nobody left by Christmas.
What are the numbers like, Betty?
Tight, Prime Minister. Very tight.
And that's assuming there are no abstentions
and the Whips can manage to drag everyone out of their bath chairs.
Hm.
Christ!
As his secretary, you must know Mr Stonehouse well.
What sort of recreations does he have?
Recreations?
Well, he's always been a very strong swimmer.
It's really the only recreation he has...
What? Shh!
'He swam whenever he had the opportunity,
'and, er, I do know he always liked to swim out a long way.'
Mum?
Yes, darling?
Is Dad ever going to come home?
I don't know, darling.
We can only pray that he's all right.
But I don't understand.
No, and I don't understand either.
I...
I don't think any of us do.
But where is he?
He must be somewhere!
Order! Order!
The Ayes to the right, 316.
The Noes to the left, 318.
CHEERING
The Ayes to the right, 316.
The Noes to the left, 318.
The Noes have it! The Noes have it!
Unlock!
If Stonehouse was to remain missing, if no body is discovered,
it could take several years before he's officially declared dead.
In theory, he could continue as an MP in absentia
unless grounds could be found for disqualifying him.
But what if there's another general election?
Plainly, that would be a problem.
You're bloody right it would be a problem!
We'd be asking the voters of Walsall North to put their crosses
next to someone who is most probably lying on the ocean floor
having his bones picked clean by sharks!
Quite understandably, they might think he's not in much of a position
to represent their interests.
Let me get this straight, Betty.
This government has a majority the size of my toenail.
We also have an MP who may or may not be dead,
and who may or may not be a Soviet spy, for that matter,
but we can't do a damn thing about it.
At least not unless his body's found.
Or else he stages the greatest comeback since Lazarus!
Oh, good afternoon.
I've come about the apartment.
The apartment that was advertised?
MUSIC: The Marriage Of Figaro (Overture) by Mozart
TV: 'Oh, my Lord! MUSIC CONTINUES
'I don't think Keith Fletcher knew anything at all about that!
'Dennis Lillee has knocked his middle stump clean out of the ground
'and it goes cartwheeling off towards third man.'
MUSIC CONTINUES
JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING
Come in! Come in!
Please!
We're all pals here!
Take a seat. Thank you.
So, what are you having, mate?
Oh, erm...
I think I'll...
I think I'll have a beer.
Thank you. Very-very kind of you.
Ray. Ray Simpson.
Joe. Joe... Carey.
Welcome, Joe!
You, er, live in Melbourne, or just passing through?
Just passing through... Just passing through.
Well, you obviously like your jazz, otherwise you wouldn't be here.
What sort of stuff do you go for?
What sort of stuff do I go for? Erm...
CLEARS HIS THROAT
Charlie Mingus...
Art "Blakely"...
Thelonious Monk.
Cannonball Adderley.
You know what, Joe?
You're a man after my own heart.
I think we're all partial to a bit of hard bop here.
THEY LAUGH
Here's to the mighty Cannonball, eh?
Blow, Big Man, blow!
Blow, Big Man, blow. Come on, then, Joe, get that up you.
RINGING
Hello.
'It's Barbara.
'I just...
'I just wondered if you'd... heard anything?'
Nothing at all, I'm afwaid.
It's such a worry.
For you, of course, and the children.
'Frankly, I can't imagine what you're going through.'
No, well, er...
I-I didn't really think you...
I'm sorry to have called you so late.
It's perfectly all right.
Any time.
Good night, Sheila.
'Good night.'
All of you have been so kind
and hospitable to me,
a solitary Pom far from home,
and as a token of my appreciation, I'd like to buy you all a drink.
Fair play.
Good on you, mate.
Shane, same again for everybody. Another round, please.
And I think I might be a little short of cash.
Will you take a cheque?
Barbara, I'm afraid we have to be realistic about this.
We have to consider the possibility that John might not be coming back.
I don't know how much you know about his financial affairs.
Well, he always preferred to take care of them himself.
Were you aware of the life insurance policies?
I know he took out a life insurance policy, yes.
I believe he was advised to after the last IRA bombing campaign.
Policies?
You mean there-there were more than one?
Yes.
Well, how many were there?
Five.
Oh, Mr Murray, I didn't get my newspaper today.
My copy of The London Times. Will you look into it for me?
I always thought there was something a bit...
..off about him, you know, Betty.
Always.
I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Just something a bit...
Off.
'In the absence of any further leads,
'the search has now taken on an international dimension.'
WOMAN: 'Central Police Station?'
Yeah, hello, I'd like to report a suspicious person.
"My darling Dums..."
Ah!
KNOCKS ON DOOR
HARDER KNOCKS
Good evening, sir.
I'm Inspector John Mackenzie.
This is my colleague, Acting Inspector Dave Walters.
Mind if we come in, sir?
Please.
So, I understand you're the tenant here, sir?
Yes, I am.
Is everything all right, Inspector?
Would you mind telling us your name, please, sir?
My name? Yes. Er, Joe. Joseph Carey.
That's your real name, is it, sir?
LAUGHS Of course it is!
Would you like to see my passport?
There you are.
You see, we have reason to suppose that this isn't your real name.
You do?
Well...
Do you? Who do you...? Who do you think I am?
We believe...
We believe that you are in fact Richard John Bingham...
..more commonly known as Lord Lucan.
Would you lower your trousers, please, sir?
Beg your pardon?
Take down your trousers.
All the way down, if you don't mind.
Down a bit.
WHIRRS AND CLICKS
You can pull 'em up again now.
Ah. Do you mind explaining what all this is about?
I'm assuming you had a perfectly good reason
for taking such a keen interest in my, erm... my thigh?
Our colleagues in Scotland Yard advised us
that Lord Lucan has a distinctive scar on his right thigh.
Ah. Right.
Do you know, perhaps I ought to be flattered
at being mistaken for one of the members of the aristocracy,
but I think it's, er, perfectly obvious that I am not Lord Lucan.
And, er, neither, er, as far as I'm aware,
am I under suspicion for murdering my children's nanny,
so now that we've cleared all that up,
I can't see any justification for you keeping me here any longer.
Have a seat, please, sir.
SIGHS
You see, we've had our eye on you for a while now, Joe.
Well, I can't think why.
Well, let me try to explain.
You recently opened an account in the name of Joseph Carey
and you used a cheque from this account
to pay a bill at an establishment called...
..Strange Fruit.
What of it?
Well, it's just that, er, a few days earlier,
you opened another new account,
only this one was in the name of Ronald Peterson.
How do you explain that, Joe?
We found this in your apartment, Joe.
From the Shimmering Sands Hotel in Miami.
Have you recently stayed at the Miami Shimmering Sands?
As a matter of fact, I have.
Not that it seems remotely relevant to anything.
Well, only that, er, there's no record of you...
entering the United States in your passport.
Oh!
No stamp, no visa, nothing...
I don't... I don't... I-I don't see any reason,
any reason at all why you... why you feel the need to delve into my, erm,
personal... Who's Dums, Joe?
Are you Dums, Joe?
Is that it?
Or are you even Joe... Joe?
CHRISTMAS CAROLS PLAY
TELEPHONE RINGING
Hello, yes?
SHE GASPS
'It seems that Mr Stonehouse had been living in Melbourne
'since his disappearance, having gained entry to Australia
'with a passport he obtained in the name of a dead constituent.'
Please...
tell me this isn't happening, Betty.
SHE SIGHS
Miss Buckley, can I ask you a few questions about John Stonehouse?
Miss Buckley, just a few questions.
Miss Buckley,
you must be as surprised as anyone by Mr Stonehouse's reappearance.
Very surprised, yes, and very relieved.
If you could say one thing to Mr Stonehouse, what would it be?
I would send him all my best wishes
and assure him of my loyalty and fwiendship.
Thank you.
Mr Stonehouse, I'm a psychologist appointed by the State of Victoria
to assess your mental state.
My mental state?
That's right.
It's clear that you found the life of an MP particularly demanding,
and as someone with, as you say, high moral principles,
the constant compromises and back-biting
plainly took a heavy toll.
Would that be right?
Mr Stonehouse,
I wonder if you've ever heard of the term "split personality"?
Er... Vaguely... Vaguely.
It's a condition whereby the sufferer finds himself, or herself,
unable to handle the demands of their daily life.
All the pressures and stresses.
In an attempt to cope, to protect themselves,
they create another personality,
a sort of shadow self
who exists alongside their normal personality.
One famous example of a split personality would be
in Robert Louis Stevenson's story of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
They are, of course, the same person,
living together in the same skin.
Are you familiar with Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde?
Yes... Er, yes. Yes, I am, actually.
Very-very much so, in fact.
Hm.
TELEPHONE RINGING
Betty.
'He received the telegram. He won't resign.'
What do you mean, he won't resign?
Apparently, he hasn't done anything wrong.
'Hasn't done anything wrong?!'
Ye gods!
We can't have one of our MPs faking his own death
and then reappearing on the other side of the world.
Might give the others ideas!
He is our majority, Betty. He has to be made to see sense.
Preferably with the aid of a large stick!
'What about his wife?'
Well, it's delicate.
But I can try and reason with her.
See to it, Betty.
KNOCKING
SIGHS
Yes? Mrs Stonehouse.
Barbara.
Naturally, you'll be wanting to see John.
I understand that at least one Fleet Street newspaper's
offered to pay your air fare to Australia.
We also think it's a good idea
if you were to fly out as soon as possible.
"We"?
The Prime Minister.
Oh, that's very solicitous of him.
Especially as he chose to overlook my husband
for any ministerial appointments.
Hm.
The party like to look after their own.
It's even in our constitution.
Oh!
So that's what this is.
I'm sorry?
Well, I-I get it, now.
Correct me if I'm wrong,
but the Government now has a majority of just one...
..so you would like me
to fly to Australia to make sure John plays ball.
Ready, sir?
Darling!
What a wonderful surprise!
Ah.
Put it down there, thank you, Bill.
Bill's been an absolute godsend.
I don't know what I'd do without him.
Thank you, sir. Thank you, Bill.
How are the children?
They're...
as well as can be expected...
..under the circumstances.
I did want to get in touch.
You know, to...
let them know - let you know that I was all right.
It's just, erm...
..it wasn't really possible under the circumstances.
What happened, John?
It's not... It's not an easy thing to explain.
Try.
Well, over the last few months - years, even...
..I've increasingly felt that the...
..the old John Stonehouse
had ceased to exist in any meaningful way,
and that all the pressures that he'd been under
had broken something inside him.
And the longer this went on,
the more it seemed that the only possible solution
was for him to stop inhabiting his current shell, as it were,
and be reborn with another identity.
He? The old John Stonehouse?
Exactly so.
But I'm married to the old John Stonehouse!
I know, darling. I know.
I know.
I can only liken it to, erm...
To what? Well, I can only...
Well, to-to a...
Jekyll and Hyde type situation.
But wasn't Mr Hyde a... a murderer?
Well, I didn't mean it literally. No?
Then how did you mean it?
No, I'm... I'm sorry.
I want to be sympathetic.
I do. I want to be your... your helpmate.
But, John, you let us believe that you were dead!
For five weeks!
I thought I was a widow, that the children...
Far, far worse than that -
the children thought that they had lost their father!
Obviously, er, I regret that very much, with all my heart.
And what about all the other things? Do you regret those, too?
Well, I'm aware that my reputation has
sustained a certain amount of damage.
A certain amount of damage?!
Do you have any idea of the trouble you have caused?
Not only the... the mess you have left the Government in.
You could go to prison, John, for years. Years and years.
What will that do to your reputation?
And-and what about the effect on the children?
How do you think they are going to like having a jailbird has a father?
SHE SIGHS
You know, m-maybe it was... Maybe it was me you, er,
you really wanted to get away from - the old Mrs Stonehouse.
God, no!
No, of course not!
That was the last thing on my mind.
I love you.
Surely you must know that.
Look, I...
I still don't understand.
John, if you were under so much pressure, such disillusion,
why didn't you just say something?
Darling, I want to answer your questions -
your perfectly reasonable questions,
but I have been advised...
by a psychologist,
a very eminent woman, incidentally,
that I should not dwell too much on what's happened,
that I shouldn't churn up too much mental mud,
as it were, because, apparently,
there's a real danger of it triggering a, erm...
..a...
A what? A relapse.
'The by-election defeat leaves the Government
'in a more precarious position than ever.
'In the absence of John Stonehouse,
'the Labour Party now has no clear majority
'and is facing calls for a vote of no confidence
'in the House of Commons.'
TURNS RADIO OFF
'Telegram is to go to Sheila Buckley.'
Hm-mm.
At 151 Castlereagh Mansions, London SW1.
Yes. And the message reads as follows:
"Come soonest, stop. Bail granted, but situation delicate, stop.
"Charge ticket to JT Stonehouse Global Initiatives, stop.
"All my love, Dums." How many words is that?
21. It's cheaper if you can keep it down to 20 or less.
'Much love, Dums.'
Prime Minister?
Yes, Betty?
It's about the Member for Barnsley.
Old Melvyn?
What's he been up to?
SIGHS
Ashes to ashes.
Dust to dust.
Where are we going?
My lawyer has very kindly provided us
with this splendid new motor for the duration of my bail,
and a place to stay. A safe house.
A safe house? Isn't that what spies use?
It's only an expression, darling. Drive on, please.
CLAMOURING
Oh! Oh.
DOOR OPENS
How marvellous to see you both!
Been a bit of a mad wush, I'm afwaid,
but I've tried to make it as homely as possible.
They call this stuff Weety Bites,
but, really, it's exactly like Weetabix,
just with the corners left on.
There was the most extraordinary racket last night.
Did either of you hear that?
Some native creature stirring in the undergrowth, no doubt.
HE LAUGHS
No...
Did you hear it, Sheila?
I can't say I did. No.
I slept like a log, I'm afwaid.
Your bedroom faces the other way from us,
so I dare say that makes a difference.
I might go and have a lie-down.
The... jet lag.
Of course.
For some weason, it doesn't seem to have affected me.
I can't think why.
Can I bring you anything?
No, no. I can manage on my own.
What's going on? I don't understand.
Everything is fine. Trust me and be patient.
I thought we were going to be together! The two of us!
It's just a few details to iron out, that's all. I promise.
Everything is completely under control!
Hello, darling.
Well, I suppose what happened to me
can best be summed up as... a brainstorm.
A brainstorm that I'm convinced was brought on
by the pressures of my political career.
You see, increasingly, I came to feel that...
I came to feel that I was shackled, so to speak,
to the wheel of a chariot,
er, and as the wheel turned, so the spikes dug in, slowly,
draining me of blood...
Fine Christmas present he turned out to be!
Brainstorm, my arse.
Apologies, Betty.
And what's all this chariot nonsense?
Sounds like something out of Ben-Hur.
It gets worse, I'm afraid, Prime Minister.
So far, Mr Stonehouse has applied to eight countries
for political asylum, including Sweden, Mauritius,
Tanzania and Bangladesh.
He's also delivered a handwritten petition to Government House,
calling on the Queen to afford him safe passage
should he be forced to return to the UK.
Oh, she's going to love that!
Oh, that will really make her day!
Well, I doubt if she'll have time to read the whole thing.
Mr Stonehouse insisted on unrolling this petition out
on the floor of Government House, all... five foot, six inches of it.
Do you believe him, Betty?
This... brainstorm of his?
Well, it seems remarkably convenient under the circumstances.
Bloody right, it does!
On the other hand...
What?
Well, would anyone in their right mind really behave like this?
He could be howling at the moon, for all I care!
But I'll tell you one thing, Betty, without him, we're stuffed.
Can you get me the Australian High Commissioner, please?
RINGING
Alan? Er...
Yes, and to you. And to you.
Alan, I've got a little favour I need to ask of you.
These are egg and cress, while these are ham and mustard.
Lovely! HE CHUCKLES
Ah.
Mm!
What is it, darling?
Have one of these, they are awfully good.
There are some sausage wolls, if you prefer?
Barbara?
No, I wouldn't "pwefer".
Thank you.
Please, Barbara, don't spoil it.
I'm sorry, but which John Stonehouse am I talking to?
I get so confused.
I thought we'd agreed not to discuss that.
No, you told me not to talk about it.
That was your decision, not mine,
and that's rather different, isn't it?
You see it, it occurs to me that throughout all this,
you've never thought about your family.
You've never thought about us.
You've only ever thought about yourself and what suited you.
And I-I... I understand you, you know,
you lost your old identity... I mean, at least, I think I do.
But did you lose your conscience along the way?
Did you...? Did you lose your sense of what's right and what's wrong?
Barbara, I told you, I can't discuss that.
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
Yes, that-that's your finer feelings, of course (!)
Couldn't we all just...?
Just what?
Be nice?
No.
No, I don't think we could.
Do you really think we haven't been here before?
Over and over and over again.
And he always comes back to me.
Every time.
Barbara, please... Please...
Except the difference is, this time, is that, like you,
I'm beginning to see things much more clearly.
The scales have fallen from my eyes, as they say.
Not that I have scales on my eyes, of course.
I'm not sure what does.
Something cold-blooded, I suppose.
Mm. You're right.
These are awfully good.
Oh, for God's sake, Barbara!
Leave me alone, Barbara. Stay back.
I'm warning you, Barbara!
Just leave me alone, all right?
If you don't leave me alone, I'll...
What? What will you do?
Go on, tell me.
What, end it all? SCOFFS
You do love your melodramatic gestures, don't you, John?
Well, go on, then!
What? Well, you've died once already,
so you've had some practice.
Maybe this time, you'll make a better job of it!
SIRENS WAIL
John Stonehouse.
I have an order for your extradition to the United Kingdom
to face 15 charges of forgery, theft and fraud.
Sheila Buck...
Sheila Buckley, I also have an order for your extradition
to face five charges of theft.
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