[Chelsea] Hey. What you reading?
I'm reading Floyd Mayweather's book, Rich Dad, Woke Dad.
- Wait, Floyd Mayweather wrote a book? - Mmm-hmm.
Did he accidentally leave his number in there?
Chels, all right, don't be so thirsty.
You know what? This is great.
As a dad, though, watch how he get down.
As punishment, he makes his son chauffeur him around in his Bugatti,
and for his daughter's birthday, got her a tiger.
[hisses]
Speaking of daughters, Sasha off punishment yet?
Mmm-mmm, not for another two years.
- Hey, Aunt Chelsea. - Hey.
Dad, can I talk to you for a second?
2 Chainz's daughter, Lil Anklet, is having a sweet 16 party,
and I was wondering, I just thought maybe, if you could find it in your heart...
You know what, Sash? You can go.
- Damn! I knew you were gonna say this! - What?
That's not fair! You know I...
- [Chelsea] Girl, he said... Wait. - No, Sash, I said you could go.
- What? - Yes, of course you can go.
You know what Floyd said?
Floyd said... [hesitating] "Hey, listen. Uh, being a father, it's 12 rounds."
"Don't get knocked out in the third."
Aunt Chelsea, what'd you hit my dad over the head with?
I ain't hit him with nothing, but Floyd hit him with an uppercut.
Oh, jokes, jokes, jokes. Listen. Me, Johnny, Pops,
we're going over to The Giggle Gazebo for some comedy tonight,
so let's say you be back here at the house at 11:00.
Oh, I see you reading my Floyd Mayweather book.
- Yeah. - That's a smart guy.
50 said he didn't know how to count.
Floyd said, "That's all right. I hire people to count for me."
[hesitating]
♪ We can laugh, we can hang But don't embarrass me ♪
♪ Oh, no ♪
♪ Please don't say the wrong thing Dad, don't embarrass me again ♪
♪ We can dance, we can joke But don't embarrass me ♪
♪ Oh, no ♪
♪ Don't embarrass me Please, Dad, don't embarrass me ♪
♪ I know that you mean well But don't be so foul ♪
♪ When I'm hangin' with my friends Please don't be actin' wild ♪
♪ Dad, don't you embarrass me ♪
[announcer]All right, Hotlanta.
And now, coming to The Giggle Gazebo stage,
he's never had a special, but he does use his mama's Netflix,
give it up for your host, Quickie Jenkins!
- [hip-hop instrumental music playing] - [crowd cheering]
Oh! What's up, gigglets?
[audience laughing]
This is a beautiful crowd.
All my brothers and sisters in the building.
All right, Latino brother. Stay with me.
Oh, shit. White guy.
Oh, yeah, pick on the white guy!
Hey, hey, hey, man!
Why you gotta pick on the white guy?
Know what I'm saying? Pick on somebody your own color.
Why you taking up for the colonizer?
Why do they call you Quickie?
Because of your sex life or the length of your career?
[crowd exclaims]
Oh, okay. You got jokes.
Okay. All right, look here, uh, boy.
- What do you do for a living, man? - I'm a cop.
[crowd gasps]
But my body cam won't be able to grab all of you.
It only shoots in 4K, not 4 ton.
Put the light on him.
So you think you so damn funny,
why don't you bring your ass back here on open-mic night on Thursday?
Okay, maybe I will. This show could certainly use some comedy.
[crowd] Ooh!
And bring your mama with you.
I'm pretty sure she's as ugly as you are. [laughs]
Whatever y'all want to drink tonight, it's on me.
Uh, Manny, you got this?
You still owe me from the club.
You know I got you, man.
Yo, J, man, you serious about going on at The Giggle Gazebo on Thursday?
Because I'm telling you, you got jokes.
[imitating Bill Clinton] I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
[laughing]
That would be funny if it was 1994.
Hey, Johnny, being a comic is much harder than being a cop.
First of all, you gotta have tough skin,
and you gotta know how to de-escalate a situation.
Most important of all, you gotta be quick on your feet.
[in normal voice] Man, I'm always quick on my feet.
Let me ask y'all something. How come they don't have black cheddar?
[man] Put the money in the bag or this shit's gonna get ugly!
I bet underneath that mask it already is.
And we don't have any money in the register.
Well, give me seven lottery tickets, and make 'em Quick Picks.
[whimpers]
I'm taking this bag of Ruffles, too. And give me a receipt.
Damn it, Johnny! Do something! Ain't you packing?
That's kind of personal, don't you think?
If you don't stop bullshitting and shoot this bastard in his ass
before he shoots up the whole goddamn store...
Go on!
All right!
Tell Zia that I love her.
- I'll cover you. - Yeah.
Freeze! Police!
What? Who are you?
Who am I?
[imitating Jason Statham] Eh, let me ask you something.
Do you feel lucky, punk?
Johnny, are you doing Jason Statham or Clint Eastwood?
[in normal voice] I'm Jason Statham doing Clint Eastwood.
Pause!
Shut up!
If you're a cop, you don't have a uniform on,
and that means you're an off-duty cop,
which means you don't have no bullets in that gun.
So, yeah, I am feeling lucky.
Oh! They shootin'! They shootin'!
- [screams] They shootin'! - Dad!
Daddy! Daddy!
[grunts] Oh, I feel so cold.
Daddy, that's 'cause you in the refrigerator.
Oh.
Well, in that case, let me get one of these Vitamin Waters.
You totally had that guy. Why the hell did you let him get away?
He was right.
I don't have any bullets in my gun.
See?
Oh, shit. I almost put that in my mouth to show you guys.
Shame that robber got away.
Yeah, I ain't seen a white boy run that fast since Caitlyn was Bruce.
Oh... [exclaims] Come on, Pops. You can't talk like that.
- You shut up! It's your house. I'm... - He could be in here!
- What is going on, Sasha? - Hey, Dad.
I would have thought that you'd be upstairs, asleep by now.
Yeah, I know. I tried to text you but my phone died.
- [phone chimes] - Oh, really?
Oh, and she was talking to this really cute boy.
Ooh! His waves made us seasick.
Girl, if you don't shut up...
Well, I better go.
See you tomorrow, Sash.
[sighs] Look, Dad, I know you're probably gonna
put me on punishment again,
but here's my phone,
I'll go get my Mac, my iPad, whatever you want.
- You know what, Sash? - [Sasha] Come on.
Normally I would have went James Evans on you.
[imitating James Evans] Florida, now, I'm tired now!
[in normal voice] But instead... I'mma do Floyd.
[hesitating] First of all, I'm just happy you here.
I'm happy... I'm happy you safe.
I'm glad you made it home.
So just go upstairs and we'll discuss it in the morning.
- Okay. Good night, Dad. - [in normal voice] Good night, loved one.
- [Sasha] Night, Pops. - Good night.
What kind of punk-ass parenting is that?
Hey... Oh, got it.
Hey, Sash, you forgot your...
Am I the type of daddy that will go through his daughter's backpack?
No, but I'm the type of granddaddy that would.
A fake ID.
Fake ID? Who in the hell is Tori Mitchell?
Your daughter got a fake ID?
That girl is into some shit.
I hope Floyd wrote a chapter on that.
Stick and move!
[grunting]
Uh, you know what? Maybe she was just trying to get a beer or something.
She's a good girl.
Bullshit. Now, this is one of two things.
- It's either guns or drugs. - Oh, come on.
Now, she's either shooting or shooting up, or she's on that pole.
- Pole? - You know what I'm talking about.
- She's riding that pole. [grunting] - Oh, come on, man.
[shushes] She's gonna hear us.
- You know they get paranoid on that shit. - Mmm-hmm.
Listen. Guys, you... All of y'all are trippin'.
It's not like she's ever done anything illegal.
Well, if she comes down these stairs looking for snacks,
- you got yourself a real problem. - [Chelsea] Hmm.
Good morning, everyone.
Actually, it's not morning. It's 2:00 p.m. You're just waking up?
Yeah, I know. I'm just headed to the store.
Oh, nice. For what?
Chili Cheese Fritos, Ding Dongs, pretzels and a pickle.
[all] Hmm.
Snacks!
Looks like you got a classic case of the munchies.
What are you gonna wash it down with?
I was thinking maybe an iced tea.
[all] Hmm.
It wouldn't happen to be from Long Island, would it?
No, I think it's from Arizona.
[all] Hmm!
Uh...
Okay... Bye.
No, you guys got it all wrong.
No, we got it all right.
I know when somebody's hooked on that booger sugar.
- [scoffs] - Guys, turn on FOX 5.
Why?
It's the worst moment of my life, on national TV.
Actually, FOX 5 is a local channel.
[reporter] We've heard about the Cowardly Lion,
but what about the Cowardly Cop?
The community of Norcross is shaken up
after a convenience store was robbed last night,
where it was revealed that an off-duty cop
failed to stop the suspect.
At first, I was like, "Cool, cool, cool!"
"There's an off-duty cop in here!"
But then I was like, "Oh, snap! He's a bigger bitch than I am!"
Hey, special shout-out to my mama.
I'mma call you later, okay?
Can you believe this?
How am I the only cop in trouble for not shooting someone?
Listen, you're gonna be all right, but we got other trouble.
Take a look at this.
Who's Tori Mitchell?
"Who's Tori Mitchell?" Exactly, Paul Blart.
It's a fake ID. And if Sasha has a fake ID,
that means Zia has one as well.
This could be really bad.
We gotta find out what's going on with her.
- Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. - [Chelsea] Huh?
There's only one way to find out what's going on with Sasha...
if that even is her real name.
- Waterboarding? - No.
A full-panel drug test.
Get me some of her hair, I'll get it to my guy in the lab.
You better do it quick 'cause...
[all] You about to lose your job.
[Brian] ♪ Hey, hey ♪
[door creaking]
- [toy squeaking] - [gasps]
[Brian] What the freak?
[sighs]
That's too much.
[laughing]
Jaden Smith, you so smooth.
- [trash can rattles] - [grunts]
[whispering] Ain't this a bitch?
[door creaking]
[gasps]
I got good news and bad news. What do you want first?
What's up?
The bad news is the whole Cowardly Cop thing
- has really blown up. - Okay.
The Shade Room picked up the story.
Hey, man, look, I'm sorry about that,
but could you forward that to me? [clicks tongue]
I'm just messing with you. How you feeling? You okay?
Actually... yeah.
You know, I'm glad I didn't shoot that guy.
I've been on the force for ten years, but I'm basically a desk cop.
I've never discharged my weapon, except for at the firing range.
Well, maybe you haven't fired your weapon,
but they sure gonna fire your ass, hmm.
They're not gonna fire me, but they are investigating the incident.
- You want the good news? - What's the good news?
We got Sasha's test results back.
I knew it! She's not Brian's.
They got the same big-ass head, but she's way smarter than him.
No! We got back the hair toxicology report.
She tested positive!
[exclaims]
Johnny, that's not good.
Positive ain't good.
Oh.
Then I guess it's two bad newseses.
So, what did they find?
Cocaine? Heroin? MDMA? Marijuana?
Vicodin? And wine coolers?
My baby's a junkie!
Yeah, them wine coolers will kill you.
Listen. Because you know what she's gonna do.
She's gonna deny, deny, deny.
But we are prepared for it.
Oh, are we playing Duck, Duck, Goose?
[all] God damn it.
Can I be the goose?
[imperceptible]
Here she is.
Hey. What's everyone doing?
Hi, my Sasha. Honey, come here.
Hey.
[voice breaking] Give me a hug.
You... you can let go now.
[imitating Tangina Barrons] This child is clean.
- [in normal voice] Now, sit down. - Okay.
[chuckles] Dad, what... What's going on?
You tell me, Sash.
I just want to let you know something.
[imitating Michael Corleone] I knew it was you, Sash.
You broke my heart.
Okay...
Aunt Chelsea, maybe you can explain?
This is what we call...
An intervention.
Oh, is this about how much I'm on my phone?
Please don't take my phone away again.
It's not just your phone you're on.
[in normal voice] I've seen it in the movies, like New Jack City.
Mmm-hmm, but I never thought it would happen in my own house.
I am disappointed in you.
What are you talking about?
[clears throat] "Sasha, when I was your age,
I did some shit."
- [Brian] Hmm. - [chuckles] Them two know I did some shit.
[sighs] "But you are my niece, and you can't be doing this to yourself."
- I love you so much. - [Pops] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I love you. - We all love you.
- You don't get it... - [in Spanish] Manny, turn on the light!
[in English] Now, look here.
You ain't gonna run your little game on me,
'cause I'm not your daddy.
This OG Pops you're talking to, and I know about them streets.
I been running all up in them bad boys since 1967.
I understand the young people of today.
I'm in your generation.
You out there hip-hopping and cabbage-patching, doing the Dougie!
Who's your supplier?
I think my family's on drugs.
Uh, okay, I don't know what y'all are talking about,
but I'm just gonna go to my room.
Oh, no, sweetie. This is for your own good.
- What? - Yes, down there.
Pops, read what you have prepared,
'cause you're the patriarch of this family.
[Pops breathing deeply]
[voice breaking] I just wanna tell you, baby girl...
[coughs] Um...
[sniffles] Uh...
"Need... two... egg rolls,
Kung Pao chicken, brown rice..."
Damn it, this is the wrong piece of paper.
I'm just gonna do it off the dome.
Get your life together!
And none of my stuff better not come up missing!
All right, Zia, you're up.
Okay.
Duck. Duck.
[chuckles] Goose!
That's her supplier, right there.
Brian, I need to talk to you.
Sash... God bless you.
So I got good news and bad news.
The bad news is I've been suspended from the force
by the chief for the whole Cowardly Cop thing.
But the good news is Sasha's as clean as the Board of Health.
- What? - Yeah, turns out some of the guys
at the lab were playing a trick on me for the Cowardly Cop thing.
So she ain't on nothing?
[laughing]
Oh, boy! Oh. We love to play games and charades and stuff like that.
Uh, look, hated to waste everybody's Saturday.
How about we go to dinner, on me, hmm?
So she ain't on that shit?
What... I'm not on anything. What did you guys think?
We thought you was on drugs.
Are you serious?
It's my fault.
I went through your backpack and I found your fake ID,
and I did what any thoughtful father would do.
I took a little bit of your hair,
gave it to my cop friend and he ran a toxicology report.
I got that fake ID so that I could vote.
Look, I know that it's wrong but I want to see change.
[exclaims] That's some bullshit.
Mmm-mmm, mmm-mmm-mmm.
- Okay, fine. I also bought one beer. - [Pops] Hmm.
No big deal.
She bought a beer, there was a little voter fraud, okay?
It's all good.
Mmm-mmm, mmm-mmm-mmm.
I am disgusted by all of you. Hmm?
I think I left the weed whacker on.
I would expect something like this from my dad
'cause he's always embarrassing me, but you, Aunt Chels?
- I'm sorry. - And you, Pops?
Here I was thinking I was your little angel.
Baby, we thought you was on that Blue Magic,
eating up everything in the house and dressing like Eddie King Jr.
Like who?
Well... Look, I think this worked out for everybody.
I see Manny needs me to help him with the weed...
Uh-uh, you ain't getting out of this. Hold it right there.
I don't know what in your right mind would make you think
for even a second that I would be dumb enough to get caught up
in some nonsense like drugs.
I didn't even make it past the first episode of Breaking Bad.
Look, Sash, we was just worried. I mean...
No. It's my turn to talk.
[scoffs] You know, I don't know what kind of daughter
you think that you're raising,
and I don't know where you get some stupid idea from.
I'm gonna go help Manny with the weed whacker,
but I'mma use the front door.
Let's... Sash, babe, we're trying to...
No, no, no, no. It's my turn to talk.
Embarrassing me at yoga?
You even took me to a sex therapist!
- What? - You took that girl to a sex...
It's a long story.
Interesting, though, but a long one.
[sighs] And despite all that, I still find it in my heart to love you.
[wailing]
Daddy, after all of this,
I still find it in my heart to love you.
[wailing]
See, Dad? I told you my fake ID would come in handy.
Yes, and it's the last time you'll be using this thing.
- [sighs] - Let me get a velvet chocolate sprinkle
Armani flowered martini, thank you.
That is a bitch drink if I ever heard of one.
Bring us two bourbons and set them bitches on fire.
Johnny looks nervous. I hope he don't choke.
[announcer] Okay, just a reminder, the kitchen is about to close,
so don't forget to order your chicken basket.
Now, back to your host with the most on his plate
and in his belly, Quickie Jenkins!
[all cheering]
Whose house?
Quickie's house!
Damn right.
All right, now it's time to bring up our last comic on New Booty Night.
You may have seen him on TV as the Cowardly Cop,
or maybe at your local 7-Eleven playing possum.
[crowd exclaiming]
Put your hands together and show some love,
or not, for Johnny Williams.
[cheering]
Go, Dad!
- Yeah. - [indistinct shouting]
- Hey, everybody. - Come on, J.
So. um... [clicks tongue]
A Black guy, a white guy and a Latino guy
walk into a convenience store.
Let me guess, the white guy got scared by a bag of chips? [laughs]
Uh-uh. Don't let him punk you out like this. Dad, you got this!
No, you don't. No, you don't. [laughs]
- [Brian] Come on, J. - [Zia] You got this.
- Come on. - He's freezing up.
He's freezing like a Stouffer's TV dinner.
[Zia] Come on, Dad. You got this.
Yo, J, go Jason Statham on him.
[imperceptible]
[imitating Jason Statham] All right, you bloody geezer.
Yes!
I'm gonna tell you something right now.
You need to unbutton that vest,
because I can hear your buttons screaming from here, you fat gopher.
[audience exclaiming]
J! J, J, J! Hit him with the Obama!
[imitating Barack Obama] Uh, let me be clear.
Uh...
You, uh, look like that little blueberry girl
from the Willy Wonka movie in that suit.
- Yo! That's what I'm talking... - [Sasha] Keep going!
Yo, what would Seth Rogen say to him?
[laughing]
[imitating Seth Rogen] I, uh... I am, uh... I am so stoned right now,
but, uh, I would love to take, uh, a rest on you,
'cause you look like a beanbag chair.
[crowd laughing]
Johnny, do Bernie Mac!
[Chelsea] Oh, my God.
[imitating Bernie Mac] Listen, son of a bitch.
[speaking gibberish] I tell you... Look, it's the sandman.
I tell you a thing about...
[speaking gibberish]
[in normal voice] That's my time. I'm Johnny Williams. Thank you!
[crowd cheering and whistling]
- [Pops] Johnny! - [Sasha] That was...
J, you killed that, man. I mean, you killed it.
What you like better, being a cop or a comedian?
Man, for the first time in my life,
I feel like I was doing what I was supposed to be doing, you know?
Finally people were laughing with me and not at me.
- Hey, a toast. A toast to new beginnings. - Yes.
[Chelsea] Yes. New beginnings!
- New beginnings! - [all cheering]
Put that down or it'll be an ending.
All right. Johnny! Johnny!
[all chanting] Johnny! Johnny! Johnny!