1 00:00:10,635 --> 00:00:12,053 [Chelsea] Hey. What you reading? 2 00:00:12,137 --> 00:00:15,557 I'm reading Floyd Mayweather's book, Rich Dad, Woke Dad. 3 00:00:15,640 --> 00:00:17,535 - Wait, Floyd Mayweather wrote a book? - Mmm-hmm. 4 00:00:17,559 --> 00:00:19,644 Did he accidentally leave his number in there? 5 00:00:20,228 --> 00:00:22,355 Chels, all right, don't be so thirsty. 6 00:00:23,982 --> 00:00:25,442 You know what? This is great. 7 00:00:25,525 --> 00:00:27,569 As a dad, though, watch how he get down. 8 00:00:27,652 --> 00:00:31,614 As punishment, he makes his son chauffeur him around in his Bugatti, 9 00:00:31,698 --> 00:00:35,035 and for his daughter's birthday, got her a tiger. 10 00:00:35,118 --> 00:00:36,119 [hisses] 11 00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:39,414 Speaking of daughters, Sasha off punishment yet? 12 00:00:39,497 --> 00:00:40,957 Mmm-mmm, not for another two years. 13 00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:43,084 - Hey, Aunt Chelsea. - Hey. 14 00:00:43,168 --> 00:00:45,086 Dad, can I talk to you for a second? 15 00:00:45,170 --> 00:00:48,923 2 Chainz's daughter, Lil Anklet, is having a sweet 16 party, 16 00:00:49,007 --> 00:00:53,178 and I was wondering, I just thought maybe, if you could find it in your heart... 17 00:00:53,261 --> 00:00:54,846 You know what, Sash? You can go. 18 00:00:54,929 --> 00:00:56,806 - Damn! I knew you were gonna say this! - What? 19 00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:58,308 That's not fair! You know I... 20 00:00:58,391 --> 00:01:00,951 - [Chelsea] Girl, he said... Wait. - No, Sash, I said you could go. 21 00:01:01,519 --> 00:01:04,105 - What? - Yes, of course you can go. 22 00:01:04,189 --> 00:01:05,774 You know what Floyd said? 23 00:01:05,857 --> 00:01:10,737 Floyd said... [hesitating] "Hey, listen. Uh, being a father, it's 12 rounds." 24 00:01:10,820 --> 00:01:12,781 "Don't get knocked out in the third." 25 00:01:13,323 --> 00:01:16,034 Aunt Chelsea, what'd you hit my dad over the head with? 26 00:01:16,117 --> 00:01:18,953 I ain't hit him with nothing, but Floyd hit him with an uppercut. 27 00:01:19,037 --> 00:01:22,540 Oh, jokes, jokes, jokes. Listen. Me, Johnny, Pops, 28 00:01:22,624 --> 00:01:25,502 we're going over to The Giggle Gazebo for some comedy tonight, 29 00:01:25,585 --> 00:01:28,505 so let's say you be back here at the house at 11:00. 30 00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:31,257 Oh, I see you reading my Floyd Mayweather book. 31 00:01:31,341 --> 00:01:32,967 - Yeah. - That's a smart guy. 32 00:01:33,051 --> 00:01:34,803 50 said he didn't know how to count. 33 00:01:34,886 --> 00:01:37,889 Floyd said, "That's all right. I hire people to count for me." 34 00:01:38,681 --> 00:01:40,225 [hesitating] 35 00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:44,646 ♪ We can laugh, we can hang But don't embarrass me ♪ 36 00:01:44,729 --> 00:01:45,563 ♪ Oh, no ♪ 37 00:01:45,647 --> 00:01:48,566 ♪ Please don't say the wrong thing Dad, don't embarrass me again ♪ 38 00:01:48,650 --> 00:01:51,069 ♪ We can dance, we can joke But don't embarrass me ♪ 39 00:01:51,152 --> 00:01:51,986 ♪ Oh, no ♪ 40 00:01:52,070 --> 00:01:54,280 ♪ Don't embarrass me Please, Dad, don't embarrass me ♪ 41 00:01:54,364 --> 00:01:57,200 ♪ I know that you mean well But don't be so foul ♪ 42 00:01:57,283 --> 00:02:00,537 ♪ When I'm hangin' with my friends Please don't be actin' wild ♪ 43 00:02:00,620 --> 00:02:02,789 ♪ Dad, don't you embarrass me ♪ 44 00:02:02,872 --> 00:02:03,974 [announcer]All right, Hotlanta. 45 00:02:03,998 --> 00:02:06,292 And now, coming to The Giggle Gazebo stage, 46 00:02:06,876 --> 00:02:10,505 he's never had a special, but he does use his mama's Netflix, 47 00:02:10,588 --> 00:02:16,302 give it up for your host, Quickie Jenkins! 48 00:02:16,386 --> 00:02:19,180 - [hip-hop instrumental music playing] - [crowd cheering] 49 00:02:19,264 --> 00:02:21,391 Oh! What's up, gigglets? 50 00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:22,517 [audience laughing] 51 00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:23,643 This is a beautiful crowd. 52 00:02:23,726 --> 00:02:25,645 All my brothers and sisters in the building. 53 00:02:25,728 --> 00:02:27,522 All right, Latino brother. Stay with me. 54 00:02:28,273 --> 00:02:30,316 Oh, shit. White guy. 55 00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:32,902 Oh, yeah, pick on the white guy! 56 00:02:33,903 --> 00:02:36,531 Hey, hey, hey, man! 57 00:02:36,614 --> 00:02:38,074 Why you gotta pick on the white guy? 58 00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:40,451 Know what I'm saying? Pick on somebody your own color. 59 00:02:40,535 --> 00:02:42,579 Why you taking up for the colonizer? 60 00:02:44,581 --> 00:02:46,374 Why do they call you Quickie? 61 00:02:46,457 --> 00:02:49,002 Because of your sex life or the length of your career? 62 00:02:49,085 --> 00:02:50,670 [crowd exclaims] 63 00:02:50,753 --> 00:02:52,505 Oh, okay. You got jokes. 64 00:02:52,589 --> 00:02:56,050 Okay. All right, look here, uh, boy. 65 00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:58,636 - What do you do for a living, man? - I'm a cop. 66 00:02:58,720 --> 00:02:59,888 [crowd gasps] 67 00:02:59,971 --> 00:03:02,140 But my body cam won't be able to grab all of you. 68 00:03:02,223 --> 00:03:04,601 It only shoots in 4K, not 4 ton. 69 00:03:05,977 --> 00:03:07,187 Put the light on him. 70 00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:09,397 So you think you so damn funny, 71 00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:12,650 why don't you bring your ass back here on open-mic night on Thursday? 72 00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:15,570 Okay, maybe I will. This show could certainly use some comedy. 73 00:03:16,112 --> 00:03:17,238 [crowd] Ooh! 74 00:03:17,322 --> 00:03:18,573 And bring your mama with you. 75 00:03:18,656 --> 00:03:20,617 I'm pretty sure she's as ugly as you are. [laughs] 76 00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:27,290 Whatever y'all want to drink tonight, it's on me. 77 00:03:27,373 --> 00:03:28,373 Uh, Manny, you got this? 78 00:03:28,416 --> 00:03:29,918 You still owe me from the club. 79 00:03:30,001 --> 00:03:31,461 You know I got you, man. 80 00:03:32,712 --> 00:03:37,508 Yo, J, man, you serious about going on at The Giggle Gazebo on Thursday? 81 00:03:37,592 --> 00:03:39,344 Because I'm telling you, you got jokes. 82 00:03:39,427 --> 00:03:43,264 [imitating Bill Clinton] I did not have sexual relations with that woman. 83 00:03:43,348 --> 00:03:44,891 [laughing] 84 00:03:46,017 --> 00:03:48,144 That would be funny if it was 1994. 85 00:03:49,562 --> 00:03:52,440 Hey, Johnny, being a comic is much harder than being a cop. 86 00:03:52,523 --> 00:03:54,442 First of all, you gotta have tough skin, 87 00:03:54,525 --> 00:03:56,986 and you gotta know how to de-escalate a situation. 88 00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:59,405 Most important of all, you gotta be quick on your feet. 89 00:03:59,489 --> 00:04:01,574 [in normal voice] Man, I'm always quick on my feet. 90 00:04:01,658 --> 00:04:04,619 Let me ask y'all something. How come they don't have black cheddar? 91 00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:08,498 [man] Put the money in the bag or this shit's gonna get ugly! 92 00:04:09,791 --> 00:04:12,377 I bet underneath that mask it already is. 93 00:04:12,460 --> 00:04:14,462 And we don't have any money in the register. 94 00:04:14,545 --> 00:04:17,840 Well, give me seven lottery tickets, and make 'em Quick Picks. 95 00:04:17,924 --> 00:04:19,133 [whimpers] 96 00:04:19,217 --> 00:04:22,303 I'm taking this bag of Ruffles, too. And give me a receipt. 97 00:04:23,388 --> 00:04:26,599 Damn it, Johnny! Do something! Ain't you packing? 98 00:04:26,683 --> 00:04:28,518 That's kind of personal, don't you think? 99 00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,980 If you don't stop bullshitting and shoot this bastard in his ass 100 00:04:32,063 --> 00:04:33,940 before he shoots up the whole goddamn store... 101 00:04:34,023 --> 00:04:34,857 Go on! 102 00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:35,984 All right! 103 00:04:37,235 --> 00:04:38,820 Tell Zia that I love her. 104 00:04:38,903 --> 00:04:40,238 - I'll cover you. - Yeah. 105 00:04:44,909 --> 00:04:46,077 Freeze! Police! 106 00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:47,578 What? Who are you? 107 00:04:47,662 --> 00:04:49,247 Who am I? 108 00:04:49,330 --> 00:04:52,250 [imitating Jason Statham] Eh, let me ask you something. 109 00:04:52,333 --> 00:04:54,669 Do you feel lucky, punk? 110 00:04:54,752 --> 00:04:58,464 Johnny, are you doing Jason Statham or Clint Eastwood? 111 00:04:58,548 --> 00:05:00,651 [in normal voice] I'm Jason Statham doing Clint Eastwood. 112 00:05:00,675 --> 00:05:01,759 Pause! 113 00:05:01,843 --> 00:05:02,677 Shut up! 114 00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:05,013 If you're a cop, you don't have a uniform on, 115 00:05:05,096 --> 00:05:07,056 and that means you're an off-duty cop, 116 00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:09,392 which means you don't have no bullets in that gun. 117 00:05:09,475 --> 00:05:11,477 So, yeah, I am feeling lucky. 118 00:05:16,399 --> 00:05:19,444 Oh! They shootin'! They shootin'! 119 00:05:20,194 --> 00:05:22,655 - [screams] They shootin'! - Dad! 120 00:05:23,656 --> 00:05:24,741 Daddy! Daddy! 121 00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:28,119 [grunts] Oh, I feel so cold. 122 00:05:28,202 --> 00:05:30,455 Daddy, that's 'cause you in the refrigerator. 123 00:05:31,039 --> 00:05:32,040 Oh. 124 00:05:33,541 --> 00:05:36,377 Well, in that case, let me get one of these Vitamin Waters. 125 00:05:38,087 --> 00:05:41,299 You totally had that guy. Why the hell did you let him get away? 126 00:05:41,382 --> 00:05:43,092 He was right. 127 00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:45,511 I don't have any bullets in my gun. 128 00:05:45,595 --> 00:05:46,596 See? 129 00:05:50,141 --> 00:05:53,811 Oh, shit. I almost put that in my mouth to show you guys. 130 00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:01,444 Shame that robber got away. 131 00:06:01,527 --> 00:06:04,947 Yeah, I ain't seen a white boy run that fast since Caitlyn was Bruce. 132 00:06:05,031 --> 00:06:08,159 Oh... [exclaims] Come on, Pops. You can't talk like that. 133 00:06:08,242 --> 00:06:10,912 - You shut up! It's your house. I'm... - He could be in here! 134 00:06:10,995 --> 00:06:14,791 - What is going on, Sasha? - Hey, Dad. 135 00:06:14,874 --> 00:06:17,960 I would have thought that you'd be upstairs, asleep by now. 136 00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:20,671 Yeah, I know. I tried to text you but my phone died. 137 00:06:20,755 --> 00:06:21,964 - [phone chimes] - Oh, really? 138 00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:25,885 Oh, and she was talking to this really cute boy. 139 00:06:25,968 --> 00:06:28,805 Ooh! His waves made us seasick. 140 00:06:28,888 --> 00:06:30,139 Girl, if you don't shut up... 141 00:06:31,432 --> 00:06:33,559 Well, I better go. 142 00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:34,811 See you tomorrow, Sash. 143 00:06:36,729 --> 00:06:39,023 [sighs] Look, Dad, I know you're probably gonna 144 00:06:39,107 --> 00:06:40,167 put me on punishment again, 145 00:06:40,191 --> 00:06:41,442 but here's my phone, 146 00:06:41,526 --> 00:06:44,112 I'll go get my Mac, my iPad, whatever you want. 147 00:06:44,195 --> 00:06:45,756 - You know what, Sash? - [Sasha] Come on. 148 00:06:45,780 --> 00:06:47,698 Normally I would have went James Evans on you. 149 00:06:47,782 --> 00:06:50,201 [imitating James Evans] Florida, now, I'm tired now! 150 00:06:50,284 --> 00:06:53,329 [in normal voice] But instead... I'mma do Floyd. 151 00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:55,581 [hesitating] First of all, I'm just happy you here. 152 00:06:55,665 --> 00:06:57,083 I'm happy... I'm happy you safe. 153 00:06:57,166 --> 00:06:58,418 I'm glad you made it home. 154 00:06:58,501 --> 00:07:01,337 So just go upstairs and we'll discuss it in the morning. 155 00:07:03,589 --> 00:07:06,026 - Okay. Good night, Dad. - [in normal voice] Good night, loved one. 156 00:07:06,050 --> 00:07:07,844 - [Sasha] Night, Pops. - Good night. 157 00:07:08,553 --> 00:07:10,596 What kind of punk-ass parenting is that? 158 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:12,723 Hey... Oh, got it. 159 00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:14,142 Hey, Sash, you forgot your... 160 00:07:14,225 --> 00:07:18,563 Am I the type of daddy that will go through his daughter's backpack? 161 00:07:18,646 --> 00:07:21,149 No, but I'm the type of granddaddy that would. 162 00:07:23,526 --> 00:07:25,528 A fake ID. 163 00:07:26,737 --> 00:07:29,699 Fake ID? Who in the hell is Tori Mitchell? 164 00:07:30,491 --> 00:07:32,660 Your daughter got a fake ID? 165 00:07:32,743 --> 00:07:34,996 That girl is into some shit. 166 00:07:35,079 --> 00:07:37,290 I hope Floyd wrote a chapter on that. 167 00:07:37,373 --> 00:07:38,875 Stick and move! 168 00:07:38,958 --> 00:07:40,293 [grunting] 169 00:07:41,878 --> 00:07:45,465 Uh, you know what? Maybe she was just trying to get a beer or something. 170 00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:46,549 She's a good girl. 171 00:07:46,632 --> 00:07:48,801 Bullshit. Now, this is one of two things. 172 00:07:48,885 --> 00:07:50,720 - It's either guns or drugs. - Oh, come on. 173 00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:53,890 Now, she's either shooting or shooting up, or she's on that pole. 174 00:07:53,973 --> 00:07:55,613 - Pole? - You know what I'm talking about. 175 00:07:55,641 --> 00:07:58,644 - She's riding that pole. [grunting] - Oh, come on, man. 176 00:07:58,728 --> 00:08:00,438 [shushes] She's gonna hear us. 177 00:08:00,521 --> 00:08:02,332 - You know they get paranoid on that shit. - Mmm-hmm. 178 00:08:02,356 --> 00:08:05,526 Listen. Guys, you... All of y'all are trippin'. 179 00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:07,820 It's not like she's ever done anything illegal. 180 00:08:07,904 --> 00:08:10,656 Well, if she comes down these stairs looking for snacks, 181 00:08:10,740 --> 00:08:12,426 - you got yourself a real problem. - [Chelsea] Hmm. 182 00:08:12,450 --> 00:08:13,993 Good morning, everyone. 183 00:08:14,076 --> 00:08:17,079 Actually, it's not morning. It's 2:00 p.m. You're just waking up? 184 00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:18,998 Yeah, I know. I'm just headed to the store. 185 00:08:19,081 --> 00:08:20,333 Oh, nice. For what? 186 00:08:20,416 --> 00:08:24,003 Chili Cheese Fritos, Ding Dongs, pretzels and a pickle. 187 00:08:24,086 --> 00:08:25,713 [all] Hmm. 188 00:08:25,796 --> 00:08:27,131 Snacks! 189 00:08:27,798 --> 00:08:31,427 Looks like you got a classic case of the munchies. 190 00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:33,804 What are you gonna wash it down with? 191 00:08:33,888 --> 00:08:35,348 I was thinking maybe an iced tea. 192 00:08:35,431 --> 00:08:37,183 [all] Hmm. 193 00:08:37,266 --> 00:08:40,144 It wouldn't happen to be from Long Island, would it? 194 00:08:40,228 --> 00:08:41,979 No, I think it's from Arizona. 195 00:08:42,063 --> 00:08:44,273 [all] Hmm! 196 00:08:45,441 --> 00:08:46,776 Uh... 197 00:08:46,859 --> 00:08:49,862 Okay... Bye. 198 00:08:52,114 --> 00:08:53,324 No, you guys got it all wrong. 199 00:08:53,407 --> 00:08:54,534 No, we got it all right. 200 00:08:54,617 --> 00:08:56,953 I know when somebody's hooked on that booger sugar. 201 00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:59,622 - [scoffs] - Guys, turn on FOX 5. 202 00:08:59,705 --> 00:09:00,581 Why? 203 00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:03,292 It's the worst moment of my life, on national TV. 204 00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:05,169 Actually, FOX 5 is a local channel. 205 00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:07,797 [reporter] We've heard about the Cowardly Lion, 206 00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:10,049 but what about the Cowardly Cop? 207 00:09:10,633 --> 00:09:12,760 The community of Norcross is shaken up 208 00:09:12,843 --> 00:09:15,513 after a convenience store was robbed last night, 209 00:09:15,596 --> 00:09:19,016 where it was revealed that an off-duty cop 210 00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:21,060 failed to stop the suspect. 211 00:09:21,143 --> 00:09:24,272 At first, I was like, "Cool, cool, cool!" 212 00:09:24,355 --> 00:09:26,065 "There's an off-duty cop in here!" 213 00:09:26,148 --> 00:09:31,612 But then I was like, "Oh, snap! He's a bigger bitch than I am!" 214 00:09:31,696 --> 00:09:33,573 Hey, special shout-out to my mama. 215 00:09:33,656 --> 00:09:35,157 I'mma call you later, okay? 216 00:09:36,993 --> 00:09:38,119 Can you believe this? 217 00:09:38,202 --> 00:09:40,830 How am I the only cop in trouble for not shooting someone? 218 00:09:40,913 --> 00:09:43,541 Listen, you're gonna be all right, but we got other trouble. 219 00:09:43,624 --> 00:09:44,624 Take a look at this. 220 00:09:45,376 --> 00:09:46,460 Who's Tori Mitchell? 221 00:09:47,128 --> 00:09:49,630 "Who's Tori Mitchell?" Exactly, Paul Blart. 222 00:09:49,714 --> 00:09:52,049 It's a fake ID. And if Sasha has a fake ID, 223 00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:53,718 that means Zia has one as well. 224 00:09:53,801 --> 00:09:54,927 This could be really bad. 225 00:09:55,011 --> 00:09:56,804 We gotta find out what's going on with her. 226 00:09:59,181 --> 00:10:01,517 - Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. - [Chelsea] Huh? 227 00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:04,604 There's only one way to find out what's going on with Sasha... 228 00:10:05,396 --> 00:10:07,106 if that even is her real name. 229 00:10:07,189 --> 00:10:08,524 - Waterboarding? - No. 230 00:10:09,108 --> 00:10:10,735 A full-panel drug test. 231 00:10:10,818 --> 00:10:13,446 Get me some of her hair, I'll get it to my guy in the lab. 232 00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:15,948 You better do it quick 'cause... 233 00:10:16,032 --> 00:10:18,326 [all] You about to lose your job. 234 00:10:18,409 --> 00:10:19,577 [Brian] ♪ Hey, hey ♪ 235 00:10:24,832 --> 00:10:26,250 [door creaking] 236 00:10:35,843 --> 00:10:38,346 [door creaking] 237 00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:50,858 - [toy squeaking] - [gasps] 238 00:11:14,173 --> 00:11:15,173 [Brian] What the freak? 239 00:11:22,431 --> 00:11:23,431 [sighs] 240 00:11:32,858 --> 00:11:33,984 That's too much. 241 00:11:34,068 --> 00:11:35,903 [laughing] 242 00:11:35,986 --> 00:11:39,615 Jaden Smith, you so smooth. 243 00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:43,244 - [trash can rattles] - [grunts] 244 00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:56,966 [whispering] Ain't this a bitch? 245 00:12:03,013 --> 00:12:05,391 [door creaking] 246 00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:07,892 [gasps] 247 00:12:13,649 --> 00:12:15,860 I got good news and bad news. What do you want first? 248 00:12:15,943 --> 00:12:17,153 What's up? 249 00:12:17,236 --> 00:12:19,447 The bad news is the whole Cowardly Cop thing 250 00:12:19,530 --> 00:12:20,948 - has really blown up. - Okay. 251 00:12:21,031 --> 00:12:23,409 The Shade Room picked up the story. 252 00:12:23,492 --> 00:12:25,369 Hey, man, look, I'm sorry about that, 253 00:12:25,453 --> 00:12:27,580 but could you forward that to me? [clicks tongue] 254 00:12:27,663 --> 00:12:30,207 I'm just messing with you. How you feeling? You okay? 255 00:12:30,291 --> 00:12:32,918 Actually... yeah. 256 00:12:33,002 --> 00:12:35,045 You know, I'm glad I didn't shoot that guy. 257 00:12:35,129 --> 00:12:38,466 I've been on the force for ten years, but I'm basically a desk cop. 258 00:12:38,549 --> 00:12:41,844 I've never discharged my weapon, except for at the firing range. 259 00:12:41,927 --> 00:12:43,763 Well, maybe you haven't fired your weapon, 260 00:12:43,846 --> 00:12:46,056 but they sure gonna fire your ass, hmm. 261 00:12:46,807 --> 00:12:49,852 They're not gonna fire me, but they are investigating the incident. 262 00:12:49,935 --> 00:12:51,979 - You want the good news? - What's the good news? 263 00:12:52,062 --> 00:12:53,397 We got Sasha's test results back. 264 00:12:53,481 --> 00:12:55,274 I knew it! She's not Brian's. 265 00:12:55,357 --> 00:12:58,235 They got the same big-ass head, but she's way smarter than him. 266 00:12:59,737 --> 00:13:03,365 No! We got back the hair toxicology report. 267 00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:04,992 She tested positive! 268 00:13:05,075 --> 00:13:06,076 [exclaims] 269 00:13:06,660 --> 00:13:08,037 Johnny, that's not good. 270 00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:09,121 Positive ain't good. 271 00:13:09,205 --> 00:13:10,289 Oh. 272 00:13:10,372 --> 00:13:11,999 Then I guess it's two bad newseses. 273 00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:16,420 So, what did they find? 274 00:13:18,214 --> 00:13:22,843 Cocaine? Heroin? MDMA? Marijuana? 275 00:13:22,927 --> 00:13:25,888 Vicodin? And wine coolers? 276 00:13:27,181 --> 00:13:29,099 My baby's a junkie! 277 00:13:31,018 --> 00:13:33,020 Yeah, them wine coolers will kill you. 278 00:13:37,233 --> 00:13:39,276 Listen. Because you know what she's gonna do. 279 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:41,654 She's gonna deny, deny, deny. 280 00:13:41,737 --> 00:13:46,283 But we are prepared for it. 281 00:13:48,035 --> 00:13:49,912 Oh, are we playing Duck, Duck, Goose? 282 00:13:49,995 --> 00:13:51,747 [all] God damn it. 283 00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:52,915 Can I be the goose? 284 00:13:52,998 --> 00:13:54,124 [imperceptible] 285 00:13:54,750 --> 00:13:56,001 Here she is. 286 00:13:57,127 --> 00:13:59,797 Hey. What's everyone doing? 287 00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:01,507 Hi, my Sasha. Honey, come here. 288 00:14:01,590 --> 00:14:02,424 Hey. 289 00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:04,093 [voice breaking] Give me a hug. 290 00:14:04,218 --> 00:14:05,928 You... you can let go now. 291 00:14:07,596 --> 00:14:10,307 [imitating Tangina Barrons] This child is clean. 292 00:14:10,391 --> 00:14:12,309 - [in normal voice] Now, sit down. - Okay. 293 00:14:12,434 --> 00:14:14,979 [chuckles] Dad, what... What's going on? 294 00:14:15,062 --> 00:14:15,938 You tell me, Sash. 295 00:14:16,021 --> 00:14:17,690 I just want to let you know something. 296 00:14:17,773 --> 00:14:19,668 [imitating Michael Corleone] I knew it was you, Sash. 297 00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:20,943 You broke my heart. 298 00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:26,574 Okay... 299 00:14:26,657 --> 00:14:29,285 Aunt Chelsea, maybe you can explain? 300 00:14:29,368 --> 00:14:30,744 This is what we call... 301 00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:32,621 An intervention. 302 00:14:33,789 --> 00:14:35,666 Oh, is this about how much I'm on my phone? 303 00:14:35,749 --> 00:14:37,751 Please don't take my phone away again. 304 00:14:37,835 --> 00:14:40,212 It's not just your phone you're on. 305 00:14:41,797 --> 00:14:44,758 [in normal voice] I've seen it in the movies, like New Jack City. 306 00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:47,344 Mmm-hmm, but I never thought it would happen in my own house. 307 00:14:47,428 --> 00:14:48,470 I am disappointed in you. 308 00:14:48,554 --> 00:14:50,222 What are you talking about? 309 00:14:50,848 --> 00:14:54,935 [clears throat] "Sasha, when I was your age, 310 00:14:55,019 --> 00:14:56,270 I did some shit." 311 00:14:56,353 --> 00:14:59,481 - [Brian] Hmm. - [chuckles] Them two know I did some shit. 312 00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:03,736 [sighs] "But you are my niece, and you can't be doing this to yourself." 313 00:15:03,819 --> 00:15:06,238 - I love you so much. - [Pops] Yeah, yeah, yeah. 314 00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:07,781 - I love you. - We all love you. 315 00:15:07,865 --> 00:15:10,409 - You don't get it... - [in Spanish] Manny, turn on the light! 316 00:15:11,785 --> 00:15:13,203 [in English] Now, look here. 317 00:15:13,287 --> 00:15:16,040 You ain't gonna run your little game on me, 318 00:15:16,123 --> 00:15:18,208 'cause I'm not your daddy. 319 00:15:18,959 --> 00:15:22,671 This OG Pops you're talking to, and I know about them streets. 320 00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:27,426 I been running all up in them bad boys since 1967. 321 00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:30,429 I understand the young people of today. 322 00:15:30,512 --> 00:15:31,847 I'm in your generation. 323 00:15:33,140 --> 00:15:38,687 You out there hip-hopping and cabbage-patching, doing the Dougie! 324 00:15:40,147 --> 00:15:41,273 Who's your supplier? 325 00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:43,776 I think my family's on drugs. 326 00:15:44,568 --> 00:15:47,071 Uh, okay, I don't know what y'all are talking about, 327 00:15:47,154 --> 00:15:48,530 but I'm just gonna go to my room. 328 00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:50,294 Oh, no, sweetie. This is for your own good. 329 00:15:50,324 --> 00:15:52,201 - What? - Yes, down there. 330 00:15:53,077 --> 00:15:54,745 Pops, read what you have prepared, 331 00:15:54,828 --> 00:15:56,538 'cause you're the patriarch of this family. 332 00:15:56,622 --> 00:15:58,415 [Pops breathing deeply] 333 00:16:00,834 --> 00:16:03,379 [voice breaking] I just wanna tell you, baby girl... 334 00:16:03,462 --> 00:16:05,631 [coughs] Um... 335 00:16:06,256 --> 00:16:08,342 [sniffles] Uh... 336 00:16:08,425 --> 00:16:13,389 "Need... two... egg rolls, 337 00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:16,433 Kung Pao chicken, brown rice..." 338 00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:18,394 Damn it, this is the wrong piece of paper. 339 00:16:18,477 --> 00:16:20,604 I'm just gonna do it off the dome. 340 00:16:21,188 --> 00:16:23,482 Get your life together! 341 00:16:23,565 --> 00:16:26,110 And none of my stuff better not come up missing! 342 00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:30,072 All right, Zia, you're up. 343 00:16:30,781 --> 00:16:31,781 Okay. 344 00:16:32,449 --> 00:16:34,535 Duck. Duck. 345 00:16:35,619 --> 00:16:37,121 [chuckles] Goose! 346 00:16:38,622 --> 00:16:40,290 That's her supplier, right there. 347 00:16:42,167 --> 00:16:43,627 Brian, I need to talk to you. 348 00:16:44,962 --> 00:16:47,089 Sash... God bless you. 349 00:16:50,134 --> 00:16:51,802 So I got good news and bad news. 350 00:16:51,885 --> 00:16:54,680 The bad news is I've been suspended from the force 351 00:16:54,763 --> 00:16:56,724 by the chief for the whole Cowardly Cop thing. 352 00:16:57,433 --> 00:17:00,310 But the good news is Sasha's as clean as the Board of Health. 353 00:17:00,394 --> 00:17:02,396 - What? - Yeah, turns out some of the guys 354 00:17:02,479 --> 00:17:05,315 at the lab were playing a trick on me for the Cowardly Cop thing. 355 00:17:05,399 --> 00:17:06,692 So she ain't on nothing? 356 00:17:08,444 --> 00:17:10,320 [laughing] 357 00:17:10,404 --> 00:17:15,284 Oh, boy! Oh. We love to play games and charades and stuff like that. 358 00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:17,619 Uh, look, hated to waste everybody's Saturday. 359 00:17:17,703 --> 00:17:19,455 How about we go to dinner, on me, hmm? 360 00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:21,081 So she ain't on that shit? 361 00:17:21,165 --> 00:17:23,876 What... I'm not on anything. What did you guys think? 362 00:17:23,959 --> 00:17:25,210 We thought you was on drugs. 363 00:17:25,294 --> 00:17:26,587 Are you serious? 364 00:17:28,297 --> 00:17:29,339 It's my fault. 365 00:17:29,423 --> 00:17:32,384 I went through your backpack and I found your fake ID, 366 00:17:32,468 --> 00:17:35,345 and I did what any thoughtful father would do. 367 00:17:35,429 --> 00:17:36,764 I took a little bit of your hair, 368 00:17:36,847 --> 00:17:39,975 gave it to my cop friend and he ran a toxicology report. 369 00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:42,436 I got that fake ID so that I could vote. 370 00:17:42,519 --> 00:17:44,980 Look, I know that it's wrong but I want to see change. 371 00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:46,440 [exclaims] That's some bullshit. 372 00:17:47,232 --> 00:17:48,817 Mmm-mmm, mmm-mmm-mmm. 373 00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:51,695 - Okay, fine. I also bought one beer. - [Pops] Hmm. 374 00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:52,779 No big deal. 375 00:17:52,821 --> 00:17:55,365 She bought a beer, there was a little voter fraud, okay? 376 00:17:55,449 --> 00:17:56,366 It's all good. 377 00:17:56,450 --> 00:17:58,285 Mmm-mmm, mmm-mmm-mmm. 378 00:17:58,994 --> 00:18:02,706 I am disgusted by all of you. Hmm? 379 00:18:03,624 --> 00:18:05,542 I think I left the weed whacker on. 380 00:18:07,503 --> 00:18:10,005 I would expect something like this from my dad 381 00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:13,592 'cause he's always embarrassing me, but you, Aunt Chels? 382 00:18:13,675 --> 00:18:15,260 - I'm sorry. - And you, Pops? 383 00:18:15,344 --> 00:18:17,763 Here I was thinking I was your little angel. 384 00:18:17,846 --> 00:18:20,474 Baby, we thought you was on that Blue Magic, 385 00:18:20,557 --> 00:18:23,477 eating up everything in the house and dressing like Eddie King Jr. 386 00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:24,603 Like who? 387 00:18:24,686 --> 00:18:27,815 Well... Look, I think this worked out for everybody. 388 00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:30,859 I see Manny needs me to help him with the weed... 389 00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:33,570 Uh-uh, you ain't getting out of this. Hold it right there. 390 00:18:34,571 --> 00:18:37,699 I don't know what in your right mind would make you think 391 00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:40,494 for even a second that I would be dumb enough to get caught up 392 00:18:40,577 --> 00:18:41,995 in some nonsense like drugs. 393 00:18:42,079 --> 00:18:45,040 I didn't even make it past the first episode of Breaking Bad. 394 00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:47,126 Look, Sash, we was just worried. I mean... 395 00:18:47,209 --> 00:18:48,544 No. It's my turn to talk. 396 00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:51,922 [scoffs] You know, I don't know what kind of daughter 397 00:18:52,005 --> 00:18:53,382 you think that you're raising, 398 00:18:53,465 --> 00:18:56,301 and I don't know where you get some stupid idea from. 399 00:18:56,385 --> 00:18:58,679 I'm gonna go help Manny with the weed whacker, 400 00:18:58,762 --> 00:19:00,264 but I'mma use the front door. 401 00:19:01,390 --> 00:19:03,433 Let's... Sash, babe, we're trying to... 402 00:19:03,517 --> 00:19:05,644 No, no, no, no. It's my turn to talk. 403 00:19:05,727 --> 00:19:07,437 Embarrassing me at yoga? 404 00:19:07,521 --> 00:19:09,731 You even took me to a sex therapist! 405 00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:11,817 - What? - You took that girl to a sex... 406 00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:13,402 It's a long story. 407 00:19:13,485 --> 00:19:15,195 Interesting, though, but a long one. 408 00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:21,076 [sighs] And despite all that, I still find it in my heart to love you. 409 00:19:25,038 --> 00:19:26,832 [wailing] 410 00:19:32,337 --> 00:19:35,465 Daddy, after all of this, 411 00:19:36,550 --> 00:19:39,553 I still find it in my heart to love you. 412 00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:42,097 [wailing] 413 00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:57,487 See, Dad? I told you my fake ID would come in handy. 414 00:19:57,571 --> 00:20:00,365 Yes, and it's the last time you'll be using this thing. 415 00:20:00,449 --> 00:20:04,620 - [sighs] - Let me get a velvet chocolate sprinkle 416 00:20:04,703 --> 00:20:07,664 Armani flowered martini, thank you. 417 00:20:07,748 --> 00:20:10,584 That is a bitch drink if I ever heard of one. 418 00:20:10,667 --> 00:20:12,961 Bring us two bourbons and set them bitches on fire. 419 00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:16,840 Johnny looks nervous. I hope he don't choke. 420 00:20:16,924 --> 00:20:19,927 [announcer] Okay, just a reminder, the kitchen is about to close, 421 00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:21,887 so don't forget to order your chicken basket. 422 00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:26,516 Now, back to your host with the most on his plate 423 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:30,437 and in his belly, Quickie Jenkins! 424 00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:31,855 [all cheering] 425 00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:34,315 Whose house? 426 00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:35,776 Quickie's house! 427 00:20:35,859 --> 00:20:36,902 Damn right. 428 00:20:36,985 --> 00:20:40,572 All right, now it's time to bring up our last comic on New Booty Night. 429 00:20:40,656 --> 00:20:43,158 You may have seen him on TV as the Cowardly Cop, 430 00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:45,577 or maybe at your local 7-Eleven playing possum. 431 00:20:45,661 --> 00:20:46,828 [crowd exclaiming] 432 00:20:46,912 --> 00:20:48,872 Put your hands together and show some love, 433 00:20:48,956 --> 00:20:50,666 or not, for Johnny Williams. 434 00:20:50,749 --> 00:20:51,749 [cheering] 435 00:20:53,168 --> 00:20:54,419 Go, Dad! 436 00:20:58,632 --> 00:21:00,759 - Yeah. - [indistinct shouting] 437 00:21:00,842 --> 00:21:03,720 - Hey, everybody. - Come on, J. 438 00:21:04,554 --> 00:21:06,848 So. um... [clicks tongue] 439 00:21:07,391 --> 00:21:10,477 A Black guy, a white guy and a Latino guy 440 00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:12,104 walk into a convenience store. 441 00:21:12,187 --> 00:21:15,607 Let me guess, the white guy got scared by a bag of chips? [laughs] 442 00:21:15,691 --> 00:21:18,360 Uh-uh. Don't let him punk you out like this. Dad, you got this! 443 00:21:18,443 --> 00:21:20,946 No, you don't. No, you don't. [laughs] 444 00:21:22,322 --> 00:21:24,002 - [Brian] Come on, J. - [Zia] You got this. 445 00:21:24,032 --> 00:21:25,909 - Come on. - He's freezing up. 446 00:21:25,993 --> 00:21:28,036 He's freezing like a Stouffer's TV dinner. 447 00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:29,496 [Zia] Come on, Dad. You got this. 448 00:21:29,579 --> 00:21:32,958 Yo, J, go Jason Statham on him. 449 00:21:34,376 --> 00:21:35,377 [imperceptible] 450 00:21:39,089 --> 00:21:41,249 [imitating Jason Statham] All right, you bloody geezer. 451 00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:42,300 Yes! 452 00:21:42,968 --> 00:21:43,969 Yes! 453 00:21:44,052 --> 00:21:45,762 I'm gonna tell you something right now. 454 00:21:45,846 --> 00:21:47,306 You need to unbutton that vest, 455 00:21:47,389 --> 00:21:50,934 because I can hear your buttons screaming from here, you fat gopher. 456 00:21:51,018 --> 00:21:52,894 [audience exclaiming] 457 00:21:52,978 --> 00:21:55,814 J! J, J, J! Hit him with the Obama! 458 00:21:56,606 --> 00:21:58,942 [imitating Barack Obama] Uh, let me be clear. 459 00:21:59,026 --> 00:22:00,610 Uh... 460 00:22:01,236 --> 00:22:03,447 You, uh, look like that little blueberry girl 461 00:22:03,530 --> 00:22:05,324 from the Willy Wonka movie in that suit. 462 00:22:06,575 --> 00:22:08,553 - Yo! That's what I'm talking... - [Sasha] Keep going! 463 00:22:08,577 --> 00:22:10,245 Yo, what would Seth Rogen say to him? 464 00:22:10,829 --> 00:22:12,414 [laughing] 465 00:22:12,497 --> 00:22:15,018 [imitating Seth Rogen] I, uh... I am, uh... I am so stoned right now, 466 00:22:15,042 --> 00:22:17,627 but, uh, I would love to take, uh, a rest on you, 467 00:22:17,711 --> 00:22:19,713 'cause you look like a beanbag chair. 468 00:22:19,796 --> 00:22:21,340 [crowd laughing] 469 00:22:22,924 --> 00:22:24,968 Johnny, do Bernie Mac! 470 00:22:25,052 --> 00:22:26,053 [Chelsea] Oh, my God. 471 00:22:26,136 --> 00:22:27,936 [imitating Bernie Mac] Listen, son of a bitch. 472 00:22:29,056 --> 00:22:31,475 [speaking gibberish] I tell you... Look, it's the sandman. 473 00:22:31,558 --> 00:22:33,352 I tell you a thing about... 474 00:22:33,435 --> 00:22:35,228 [speaking gibberish] 475 00:22:39,649 --> 00:22:42,128 [in normal voice] That's my time. I'm Johnny Williams. Thank you! 476 00:22:42,152 --> 00:22:45,030 [crowd cheering and whistling] 477 00:22:47,074 --> 00:22:48,784 - [Pops] Johnny! - [Sasha] That was... 478 00:22:48,867 --> 00:22:51,453 J, you killed that, man. I mean, you killed it. 479 00:22:51,536 --> 00:22:53,416 What you like better, being a cop or a comedian? 480 00:22:53,497 --> 00:22:55,290 Man, for the first time in my life, 481 00:22:55,374 --> 00:22:58,460 I feel like I was doing what I was supposed to be doing, you know? 482 00:22:58,543 --> 00:23:01,338 Finally people were laughing with me and not at me. 483 00:23:01,421 --> 00:23:03,840 - Hey, a toast. A toast to new beginnings. - Yes. 484 00:23:03,924 --> 00:23:05,467 [Chelsea] Yes. New beginnings! 485 00:23:05,550 --> 00:23:06,861 - New beginnings! - [all cheering] 486 00:23:06,885 --> 00:23:08,678 Put that down or it'll be an ending. 487 00:23:08,762 --> 00:23:10,847 All right. Johnny! Johnny! 488 00:23:10,931 --> 00:23:13,183 [all chanting] Johnny! Johnny! Johnny!