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["Jingle Bells" playing]
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪
♪ Jingle all the way ♪
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪
♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪
♪ Jingle all the way ♪
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪
♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪
♪ Dashing through the snow ♪
♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪
♪ O'er the fields we go ♪
♪ Laughing all the way ♪
♪ Bells on bobtail ring ♪
♪ Making spirits bright ♪
♪ Oh, what fun it is to sing ♪
♪ A sleighing song tonight ♪
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪
♪ Jingle all the way ♪
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪
♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪
♪ Jingle all the way ♪
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪
♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪
♪ Jingle all the way ♪
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪
♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪
♪ Let there be love… ♪
[woman] Peter! [grunts] Peter!
[thud]
[woman] Peter!
Peter!
[Peter] Hello, dear.
Look. [breathes heavily]
Look, I know you love Christmas, but there's no need to shag the tree.
[sobs] It was perfect!
I thought we were gonna decorate the tree together with the children.
I don't want their toilet roll decorations.
-It has to be exquisite. -Yes.
Anything broken, dear?
[emotional music playing]
[woman sobs]
Let me help you.
[woman] For once, I just want this family to have a perfect Christmas.
[Peter] Do you know what would be perfect, darling?
The Bahamas.
You, me, the kids, piña coladas.
Don't be a fool, Peter. We can't take Mummy to the Bahamas.
And what would I do about my sisters?
We'll leave the key under the mat. They'll be fine.
There's so much to do.
I have to collect the wreath, pick up the kids.
Get a new loo brush. Mum's had irritable bowel.
Mm.
-[woman] Redo the tree, obviously. -[chuckles]
And I need to get the presents to the Nightingale Lodge.
Of course you do, dear.
-Well? -And the presents are?
-Upstairs in the bedroom. -Which one, dear? We have many.
-Ours. -Ours?
Well, I suppose that's progress.
Caroline, darling, which bag is it?
[Caroline] Family on the left. Nightingale on the right.
Right.
Darling, my right or bed right?
For goodness' sake, Peter!
Right. Right.
Right.
[instrumental Christmas music playing]
-[woman] Happy Christmas! -Thank you. Merry Christmas!
[boy] Look, Daisey, it's Mum!
[Caroline] I'm sorry. I'm here. I'm sorry I'm late.
-It's Mum! -[Caroline] Come on, kids.
-Thank you. -It's all right.
Merry Christmas.
-[mother] Merry Christmas. -Bye.
Come on then, kids. So, how was the party?
Eliza's getting a bra for Christmas.
Awesome. Lucky Eliza.
And how about you? Did you manage to get any chocolate in your mouth?
-He's eaten ten pieces. -[Caroline] Oh.
I don't want to play Mary. It's too much pressure.
But it's the lead. You're not a supporting actress.
-What do you want to be? A sheep? -I have to sing.
Well, well, well. If it isn't the Virgin Mary.
[chuckles] Oh, Alan.
Not you.
Oh yes. [laughs] Sorry, we're late.
Caroline Christmas-Hope, a lady like you is never late.
She arrives precisely when she means to.
Charmer. Where would you like the presents?
Under the tree, of course.
-[Caroline] Oh, thank you. -Come on, kids.
Oh, Marie!
Not Marie. Caroline!
[Caroline chuckles]
-Hello, everybody. Merry Christmas. -[man] Merry Christmas.
Edna, dear. You're wearing odd shoes.
She's got another pair just like it.
[chuckles] Are you looking forward to the nativity play?
-Daisey's playing the Virgin Mary. -[exasperated] Mum!
I played the Virgin Mary at the National Theatre.
My God, the people I slept with to get the part!
[laughs awkwardly]
Bye, everyone.
Run.
[Caroline] Right, everybody out.
[Caroline grunts]
[Caroline] There we go. Oh, hang on.
[Caroline grunting]
Right. There.
Come on. Chop-chop.
Okay, got everything? Bags? Good. Great. In we go. There we go.
Come on. In we go.
To the right. To the right. This way.
[door closes]
Hey, kids!
I thought we could finish this together.
Oh, Peter!
Why don't we just stick this on top of the tree?
[Caroline shrieks]
-You know, that's a pretty good idea. -Yeah.
-It is, isn't it? It's a good idea. -Yeah.
[instrumental Christmas music playing]
[exhales]
[sighs]
Come with me.
[children giggling]
That's too much.
[giggles] Yeah.
Do you remember last time? We put it all over the place.
-Do you remember that? -I can make the best mince pies.
It was funny though.
-Aha! -[children scream, giggle]
-What are we doing? -Mince pies.
That looks amazing. Well done.
Look at this mess.
Mum, when's Grandma coming?
Tomorrow, darling.
[groans]
You're not going to fight with Auntie Joanna, are you?
[Peter laughs]
Course not, darling.
It's Christmas.
-Can you hold that? -I will.
Thank you.
[dramatic music playing]
Hello, Mummy. Everything's going really well.
This is going to be the best Christmas ever.
-It doesn't have to be perfect, darling. -[Caroline] Yes, it does.
I've had 27 years of therapy trying to recalibrate Christmas,
ever since our shithead of a father abandoned us on Christmas Day.
Don't say it doesn't have to be perfect, 'cause it bloody well has to be.
So why don't you tell Hamish to put his foot down? You're already late.
[mother] Slight wrinkle.
Hamish is now Felix. She traded in her trader for a new one.
Give me that.
Excellent! Anything else I should know about?
[woman] Caroline Christmas-Hope,
you need to calm down.
It's only bloody Crimbo.
The most important day of the year.
We don't want to stay in the Brontë room this year.
It's too cramped, and we need a really comfortable bed.
Felix suffers from lumbago.
-Sciatica, darling. I'm not 83. -We'll take the Queen room.
But Mummy has the Queen room.
Her knees are bad, and she actually likes
your two awful little banshees.
I'm allergic to them. So we've agreed to do a swap.
-Bye! -Okay.
She's got her chaste little knickers in a twist again, Mummy.
Joanna Christmas, be nice. We'll be with you in about an hour.
[Caroline] Okay.
Bye-bye.
[motorcycle engine revving]
[Caroline laughs under breath]
Thanks for the ride.
-Hey, hey! -[Daisey] Auntie Vicky!
[Vicky] Hi! Hey!
Hey, sis.
-Sis! -Vicky.
Peter Pants!
Never know how you're gonna turn up. I was hoping for a Red Arrow this year.
[chuckles]
Come and see our Christmas tree. We made all the decorations ourselves.
[car horn honking]
[rock music playing]
[Caroline squeaks]
Good Lord, darling. Look at that. It's a Rolls-Royce.
[Caroline] Hm.
[Peter] That is sick!
[rock music continues]
Hm.
Here we are again.
Christmas at Dunnock Manor,
capital of nowhere.
[Caroline exhales]
Hello, sis.
Hello.
-Hello. Wow, love the car. -Hi.
Merry Christmas. Hey, this place is absolutely idyllic.
Yes. Hamish, lovely to meet you at last. Heard a lot about you.
-It's not Hamish. It's Felix. -Felix.
Hamish and Joanna split up.
-Nice outfit. -Oh.
Sexual repression is in.
For once in your life, you're ahead of the curve.
[Peter chuckles]
[Caroline squeaks]
Well, probably for the best. Heard Hamish was a total tosser.
-So you're much better. -[laughs]
Welcome, Felix.
[rock music continues]
Hm.
-Lovely house. -Yes.
-Must have cost a packet. -Well, not really.
I think it was about £10
when one of my feudal ancestors picked it up a few centuries ago.
-Really? -So no need to be impressed.
Nothing to do with me.
-Let me show you around. Come on. -Oh, yes. [laughs]
Uh…
My wife, uh, Caroline.
-Hi, I'm Felix. -Hello.
-Welcome. -Pleasure.
[chuckles]
[Peter] Darling.
[squeaks]
Caroline! Caroline, darling. I… I… I think I'm stuck.
Mummy!
No, I… I am actually stuck.
-Hello. -Hello.
Happy Christmas, darling. Can you press that?
[suspenseful music playing]
[sighs]
[hums]
[sighs]
Paulina.
Merry Christmas, Paulina.
Or is it Doctor of Music Paulina?
Not yet. I've gotta finish my thesis.
Have my boxes arrived?
Yes, all of them. [chuckles]
Right, come along. Let's get you inside so you can complete your oeuvre.
Hm. [squeaks]
[suspenseful music playing]
[Caroline breathes nervously]
[dramatic music playing]
The theme was supposed to be "The 12 Days of Christmas."
[Joanna] But you went with the theme of sewage instead.
Nice work.
[footsteps approaching]
[Vicky] Hey!
We decorated the Christmas tree with Daddy.
Oh, you really can't tell.
I think it's wonderful. Come and give your grandma a kiss.
Oh.
[kisses children]
-Hi. -Hi.
I'm Vicky.
I'm, um…
Down, girl.
I'm Felix.
Woof!
Hello, Auntie Joanna.
Don't call me Auntie! You know I hate that!
Is my present in there?
Touch it again, and I'll kill you! This bag is worth more than your kidneys.
Do you wanna look in my bag?
[mockingly imitates Vicky]
-Where did you get all these? -America.
Which parts did you visit?
Every part.
Mm. I'm sure you did.
Say thank you.
Thank you, Auntie Vicky.
[laughs]
How on earth did you afford a trip across America?
You're always broke.
I couch-surfed.
Mattress-surfed, more like.
Felix, are you at the beginning or the end
of a three-month relationship with my sister?
We've been together for ten weeks.
[inhales sharply]
[footsteps approaching]
Yes, drinks, anyone?
Don't mind if I do.
What a bevy of beauties, eh?
All the sisters gathered together.
I can remember when you lot used to fight like Spitfires and Messerschmitts.
And now, four warring nations
peacefully working together in a loving sisterhood.
Delightful! And…
a tribute to that bewitching mother of yours.
John.
[moaning]
Elizabeth.
-Merry, merry Christmas to all of us! -Merry Christmas!
[all] Merry Christmas!
[giggling]
[boy] Where did you get all this?
I went into Auntie Joanna's bags.
She said she'd kill us.
Uh-uh.
She said she'd kill you. Now, sit still.
I need to do your blush.
[boy giggles]
[clock ticking, chimes]
Well, isn't this nice?
Bloody marvelous. I love Christmas.
-Mm-hmm. -Should happen more often.
[chuckles]
Peter, refill, please.
[splutters]
Yes, dear.
Anyone else?
-Jolly good. -[Caroline chuckles]
Where's Paulina?
In the library working on her thesis.
[sighs] She's been working on her thesis for ten years.
It's about the Fab Four. Why they split.
We all know why. It's 'cause Robbie wanted a solo career.
Right, I remember that.
No. Not Take That. The Beatles.
Ah, the '60s.
[Elizabeth chuckles]
Sex and drugs and rock 'n' roll.
But mostly sex.
[splutters]
[Caroline] Oh, um…
Well, if Paulina won't come to us, maybe we should go to her.
Oh! And I have something to show you all in the library. Very exciting. Come on!
Yes. Yes, dear.
[sighs] Go on.
[Elizabeth exhales]
[sighs]
[whimsical music playing]
[typewriter clacking]
[footsteps approaching]
Paulina, are you really going to spend the next three days in a darkened room?
I want to be left alone and write the ultimate dissertation
about the greatest rock band in the history of the world.
Oh, so you're writing about U2 now as well?
Felix, would you like to see some family photos?
Oh, I'd love to.
Of when I was growing up, and Joanna was at university.
I was ahead of my time. We're practically twins.
[sarcastic chuckle] A decade apart.
Forty-five and still--
Thirty-five! I'm thirty-five.
Younger than me. Interesting.
[Caroline clears throat]
[chuckles] Sorry. I'd just like to go over the itinerary for the next few days.
God, she's got a planner.
Christmas Eve is the grand buffet.
Therefore tonight is heavy appetizers.
If you're all still hungry, go to the Plough Inn.
Oh, Vicky, you like a good plowing.
That's 'cause I'm still young enough to sow my oats.
[Caroline] Yes, and tomorrow we have the Howden Christmas Fair,
which, as always, will be oodles of fun.
But I've just got to Yoko.
The fair is a Christmas tradition.
Christmas Day, we've got a nativity play at the Nightingale Lodge.
Ooh, love a whiff of urine and old fart on Christmas Day.
Joanna, maybe we can get you a room.
Please, could we just be a family and have a lovely Christmas?
Hm.
[whispers] Thank you.
So, Boxing Day--
Which happens to be a very special day because--
-Yes, Peter, please. -I married the love of my life.
Wow! Really?
That's brilliant. [laughs]
And I was your bridesmaid.
-And I was-- -The old maid.
So, rooms.
You know what? We're gonna go stay at the Plough Inn.
-We are? -But why? Your room's all ready.
-I just carried everything upstairs. -And you can bring them down again.
I refuse to spend another night under the same roof as you.
Uh.
[scoffs]
Okay. [laughs]
That's not very Christmassy.
[pensive music playing]
[Peter] You sure you can't convince her to stay?
The Plough Inn is no Savoy.
[chuckles] Joanna is very strong-willed. Probably not worth the fight.
Well, if you change your mind, you can always come back here.
-You can have my room. -Your room?
Are you not sleeping in the same room as your wife?
Uh, apparently, I snore, spin, steal the bedsheets… Generally annoying.
[chuckles]
How long you been married?
It'll be 18 years on Boxing Day.
And how long you been sleeping by yourself?
Eighteen months.
-So no… -No, no.
[inhales deeply] Not for a while, no.
[exhales]
Can I ask you a question?
Sure.
How old is Joanna?
[chuckles, splutters]
For… for… thirties. Thereabouts.
I think she's the one.
-Really? -Yeah.
Good for you.
No one in this family respects what I'm doing.
I have dedicated my life to John, Paul, George, and Ringo.
Paulina, even the Beatles didn't dedicate their lives to the Beatles.
God, I loathe our little sister.
Um, would you like a plate?
I'm not hungry.
Food!
You take one more step towards me,
I swear to God, I will rip out your larynx and wrap it round your tits.
[scoffs]
Take a joke, Joanna.
You'd think you'd be able to at your age.
These were for tomorrow.
[sucks noisily]
Dad's in Florida.
What?
How do you know?
I saw him.
From a distance?
-I stayed with him. -[gasps]
You stayed with him?
-For a week. Maybe two. -[inaudible] Oh my God.
-[gasps] -With Jackie.
Jackie?
-That's his-- -[Caroline] Hello, Mum! [laughs]
What are you girls talking about?
Oh, you know. Christmas.
Oh. Oh. Ooh.
Yummy.
[chuckles]
Mum, your buttons are all done wrong on your blouse.
Hm?
Oh!
Silly me. I'm losing the plot.
You'll have to get a room for me at Nightingale Lodge.
-[Caroline laughs nervously] -You can share Joanna's.
[laughs] Mm-mm. Oh.
-Would you like a plate? -[Elizabeth] Mm. Thank you.
-Did you make this, darling? -Yes, it's for tomorrow.
[breathes deeply] Hm.
Silly me, asking about your private life.
-[Peter chuckles] -I didn't mean to intrude.
Please, do not worry about it.
That's marriage.
Really?
Oh yes. You'll find out soon enough.
It's wonderful. [chuckles]
[whimsical music playing]
[vehicle approaching]
[ominous music playing]
[gasps]
[footsteps approaching]
[gulping]
Vicky, when you went to Florida,
did you by any chance invite anyone for Christmas?
I might have done.
Who on earth comes from Florida?
Do you think that was a good idea,
or that maybe you should have asked the host first?
-Did he come? -They came.
-Is it who I think it is? -[squeaky] Mm-hmm!
No way!
Who is it, darling?
Yeah, well, whoever it is, I'm gonna let them in, darling.
I mean, it's cold outside.
Especially if they have come all the way from Florida. [chuckles]
[door opens]
[door closes]
[footsteps approaching]
Merry Christmas, everyone.
[awkward silence]
[chuckles]
[suspenseful music playing]
[exhales]
Girls.
I know it's been a long time.
Uh, this is my girlfriend, Jackie.
Hi! [giggles]
It's so nice to meet you all.
Oh my God!
This castle is so adorable.
How could Princess Meghan leave this?
[awkward silence]
I… I should introduce myself. I'm your son-in-law.
-Peter. -Peter.
-Yes. It's a pleasure. -Yeah.
Hello.
[giggles]
Hi.
I'm, uh, Joanna's boyfriend, Felix.
Right.
[gasps] Hi.
-Hi. [chuckles] -Yes, hi.
[Jackie gasps]
[bell ringing]
[exhales]
John.
James.
[western music playing]
Lilibet.
-[James] Lilibet? -[gasps]
Elizabeth!
[whimsical music playing]
[spoon clanking]
[whimsical music continues]
Y'all drink proper tea and everything.
And look at the decorations!
[gasps]
This is the most awesome Christmas.
And I love that you recycle. I saw the tree.
[chuckles]
This is so damn typical of you.
Thinking nothing of taking a big crap over the rest of us,
and expecting someone else, usually me, to clean it up.
That is so unfair.
-He's got old, hasn't he? -[scoffs] It's been 27 years.
Did you see his girlfriend?
I know. She looks like she's only a couple of years older than me.
[splutters]
And what is up with his American accent?
He's like the oldest swinger in town.
So you live in…
-Miami. -[Peter] Miami?
-Ah. -Twenty-five years now.
Best thing I ever did.
I wear shorts in January,
afternoons are for golf,
and I've not had a girlfriend over 40 yet.
Honey, you are the cutest.
[Jackie kisses James]
That gives me five more years.
And you've lost your English accent.
Some things I can do without.
And have you heard her speak?
It's like she massacres the English language.
She's actually really nice when you get to know her.
Yeah, well, I have no intention of getting to know her.
I've been planning this Christmas for six months.
Is this vegan?
Him being here is the worst Christmas since he left.
Paulina, what are you doing here? I told you to stay with Mum. Is she okay?
She's fine.
[exhales] I've maintained a strange devotion
to my queen and country.
God bless Elizabeth.
You cling to her all you like. Be my guest.
Know what I hate about being English in America?
No, what?
Nothing.
-Except everyone thinks he's Australian. -[all laughing]
-I can't believe you invited him, Vicks. -[exhales]
You're so selfish. Can you imagine a world where you have responsibilities?
Like a job or a family or a marriage.
What, like yours? With your husband in the east wing?
Bedroom door and legs shut.
[exclaims] You ruin everything!
You know what? I will leave you to it, Miss Perfect Pants.
"The love you take is equal to the love you make." Paul McCartney.
Will you just shut up about my sex life?
What are you all doing in here?
Will you please go out and be with your father?
-Mummy, are you all right? -Yes, I'm fine.
I just need a moment.
Go!
[Elizabeth sighs]
[door closes]
♪ On the first day of Christmas My true love sent to me ♪
♪ A partridge in a pear tree ♪
♪ On the second day of Christmas My true love sent to me… ♪
Where do you think you're going? We are all in this together.
[singing stops]
I spent two weeks in Florida with him. He's all yours.
Just run away and leave us to deal with the big turd there-- Hello, carol singers!
[in unison] Merry Christmas, Mrs. Christmas-Hope.
You know why Christmas is so cruddy around you, Caroline?
It's because you put too much pressure on everything to make it…
-You should just-- -Let it be.
Exactly.
-Hey, don't you touch the Rolls-Royce. -[carol singers continue]
[Joanna] Come back here!
Go on, then! Off you go!
And don't worry about the nuclear bomb you just detonated.
We'll deal with the fallout. Will you just shut up?
[singing stops]
I'm sorry. Oh.
And the bitch has nicked the Roller!
♪ On the third day of Christmas… ♪
Uh, chocolate Hobnob?
Take as many as you like.
♪ And a partridge in a pear tree ♪
[singing stops]
Do you know anything by the Beatles?
-Did Vicky just take my Rolls? -Felix, not the moment.
So, I presume you'll be joining us for Christmas.
Well, that was the plan, sweetheart, if that's okay?
Hm. [squeaks]
Any food preferences I should know about?
Anything is fine. Uh, we don't wanna cause any trouble.
We are paleo, keto, kosher, vegan, gluten-free, refined sugar-free,
but with the inciest, winciest bit of caffeine.
[whimsical music playing]
How about Caroline cooks you up a nice piece of wood?
[chuckles]
That sounds awesome.
[clears throat] I've never had wood.
No?
Oh.
I know just how you feel, Paul.
-Well, I like these little characters. -[Jackie chuckles]
Hello.
Who are you?
I'm your grandpa. And you are Daisey.
Which means you are Henry.
And I am delighted to meet you both.
Mummy said you were dead.
He does look a little dead, doesn't he? [chuckles]
Yes, well, the rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
I'm very much alive and well.
And I'm your grandma.
Can I play with Grandma?
Step-grandma, Henry. Step-grandma.
Where's she taken my car? I paid 300,000 for it.
Yeah, there's 200 grand of my clothes in there.
You're doing awfully well, Joanna. You used to cry over hand-me-downs.
She's a fashion editor. They're all freebies.
That's not the point.
You can borrow something from my wardrobe.
I'd rather die.
Oh, I love your dinky little English accents.
I feel like I've landed in Hogwarts.
[Jackie giggles]
Uh, since when did you sprout massive knockers?
Come here.
-[gasps] -Sorry, Auntie Joanna.
That is a very expensive brassiere.
Six hundred and forty-nine pounds,
detailed with macramé using the frastaglio technique,
and you have stuffed it with pairs of your cheesy socks.
Don't worry, darling. Auntie Joanna's not really cross.
Yes, I bloody am.
And you, Liza Minnelli, come here.
They're just children, Joanna.
Your choice, not mine.
These are mink.
Ow!
We don't believe in the use of animals for cosmetics.
No, you just believe in seducing old cosmetic dentists with fat wallets.
I am calling the filth.
For stealing your bra?
[sobs] I don't want to go to prison.
No, not you. My little bitch of a sister who has stolen my clothes.
-And my car. -Vicky's family. She'll bring it all back.
There's no signal. We can't get out of this godforsaken place.
You can't call the police at Christmas!
[exhales]
Not one bar in this house.
Well, I think this has been a marvelous catch-up.
I think we've dealt with all the basics.
And now I'll leave you with these charming girls,
so you can see what you've been missing for the last 27 years.
Goodbye.
Cheerio.
[exhales]
So, I guess we should find you two a room.
Uh, together or separate?
Oh, well, we can go to a hotel. Honestly, it's no--
No! It's fine.
You'll stay here.
-Well, that's very gracious and generous. -Mm.
And thank you.
Y'all live like Prince Charles and Queen Camilla.
[music playing on radio]
♪ Dashing through the snow ♪
♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪
♪ O'er the fields we go ♪
♪ Laughing all the way ♪
♪ Bells on bobtail ring… ♪
Mm-hmm.
-[man 1] Try it. -[man 2] Thank you.
It's good? Yeah. Enjoy.
Hi.
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪
♪ Jingle all the way… ♪
Old-fashioned. Straight up.
-Oh, so you've read my Tinder profile? -Just the drink, please.
♪ Jingle all the way… ♪
You know, that's not a regular request around here.
Well, I'm an irregular kinda girl.
Oh, I can see that.
[laughs]
Hang on. Hang on. It's not done. It's not done.
I give it a stir.
[cow mooing]
Come on, Zeus, you troublesome beast.
[Elizabeth] I beg your pardon?
Oh, not you.
Lovely pair of bullocks.
[moans]
Oh.
[mooing]
[Elizabeth gasps]
Oh, toreador!
[bullfighting music playing]
[John breathes heavily, grunts]
[Elizabeth gasps] Olé!
[mooing]
Whoa! Hey! Careful of my bed.
Hang on. I don't… I don't know your name.
That's the fun part.
-Take this off. Now. -Okay. [grunts]
Okay. What now?
Oh. Okay.
Whoa. Oh. Whoa!
[sighs]
This is a fascinating read, Paulina.
There's so much of it.
I'll go and get the rest.
[Caroline] Well, Christmas is going great.
First Vicky goes, and now I can't find Mum.
What do you mean, darling? Where is she?
I don't know! I've looked everywhere in the house for her.
[Paulina] Just a couple more.
Brandy.
Yeah.
[Paulina] Last one.
Large one?
-Absolutely. -[Paulina] That's your lot.
[whimsical music playing]
Ringo.
Ringo, it's me, Henry.
Tomorrow will be a good day.
[exhales]
Mummy?
Are you all right?
Hm.
[door closes]
[knocking at door]
Everything all right?
I'm working on my thesis.
Of course you are.
Good night.
Golden slumbers.
[sighs]
-[knocking at door] -[gasps]
Everything all right?
Excellent. Excellent. Dandy.
Is this place haunted?
No, it's just the central heating.
Okay.
Okay. Good night.
-Night. -Night.
[Caroline squeaks]
[door closes]
[sighs]
-Rat! Rat! -Rat! Rat! Get it, darling.
-[both screaming] -[gasps]
-What's going on? -There's a rat!
[exhales] It's not a rat. It's Ringo.
Well, it's disgusting! Chop its head off!
[squeaking softly]
[Joanna] I hate the country.
Any sign of my car?
Not yet. Good night.
[door closes]
-Oh God, this house. -Oh my God.
I almost had a heart attack. Are you sure there's only one?
I don't wanna sleep here tonight.
[emotional music playing]
[sighs]
[whispers] There we go.
In you go, Ringo.
[chuckles]
[door opens]
[door closes]
Darling, I won't snore or spin
or wrap myself up like a cocoon in all the covers.
I can't believe my father's here.
Well, he has a certain charm.
That's just his aftershave.
[sighs] I want to cancel Christmas.
Oh, darling.
We'll muddle through.
We're the Christmas-Hopes. It's what we do.
It's already a mess.
No, it's not, you silly thing.
You'll find a way to make it work. You always do.
Because you're wonderful.
I am?
You are.
Good night.
[sighs]
Night.
[uplifting music playing]
This almond milk is delish. So much better than America.
That's 'cause it's raw cow's milk.
I'm lactose intolerant.
Oh, don't worry. I got a new loo brush.
I love the Beatles, Paulina. This makes me wanna move to Liverpool.
I could get you into 20 Forthlin Road. Paul McCartney's actual house.
-The birthplace of-- -The Beatles and the Scaffold.
Mike McCartney's comedy musical trio. It's all in here.
So what do you think? What do you really think?
It's incredible? I love it.
Oh no. Not two of you.
Today is going to be a good day.
Why is C-3PO in my kitchen?
No. Today is going to be a good day.
Oh, darling, you look lovely.
[Joanna] Where is Vicky? I want my own clothes back.
Hey. Hey. I've gotta go and clean up in the bar now.
Okay, bye.
Name's Ben, by the way.
Good. Yeah.
[exhales]
-[John] Ah! Hello. -[Peter] Morning.
So, is the, uh, cockerel taking a break from the hens?
Yes, they're no doubt working on their pecking order.
Yeah. Well, I've got a little job for you.
We've gotta get a… get a cow out of a ditch, you know, before the--
Morning, Grandma.
Good morning, Henry.
[John] I asked her to check out the cottage.
She's got a wonderful eye for interior design. [chuckles]
So she's, uh, gonna try and brighten it up a bit.
You know, boring old bachelor pad.
Anyway, if you could help me with this cow.
It's fallen in a ditch. Silly bitch.
Yes, I'll help you with the cow. Yes.
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪
♪ Jingle all the way ♪
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪
♪ In a one-horse open sleigh… ♪
Just go and buy yourself some fudge or something.
-Come on. -There's a stall over there.
-Thank you, Grandma. -All right, darling.
-Daisey. -I want to see my friends.
[laughs]
Where were you last night?
Oh, stargazing.
My faith was dwindling. It has now been restored.
Caroline Christmas-Hope, by both name and nature.
We are here to help, Reverend, in the spirit of Christmas.
I do believe I can see the winning pie.
No, no, no. My entry must remain anonymous.
Now, assign us our duties.
Wonderful. Right.
It looks like we need a chef d'équipe for the Advent Wheel of Fortune.
Someone with real verve and personality.
I'll do it.
Excellent.
Uh, we also need someone for Cowpat Bingo.
Joanna.
Jesus.
Would be proud of you on the eve of his birth.
So obviously, I must excuse myself from the pie stand.
How about I do the jumble for a change?
Oh no, no. We're well-catered for there already.
[dramatic music playing]
Hm.
Two pounds?
Mary Mother of…
Our savior!
Hey!
-What the hell are you doing? -Raising money for the church.
-Where's Felix's car? -I don't know.
-How much for this? -One pound.
That cost £10,000!
I'll give you two.
-Two? Perfect. Thank you. -What?
Have a nice day. Merry Christmas.
God, I hate you!
Will you stop bickering?
Your father is finally here this Christmas.
Let's show him what he's missed.
Can we do that, please?
Joanna! We are so thrilled with your very generous gifts,
which I believe were all given to you.
Even I've seen The Devil Wears Prada.
Come on. The Cowpat Bingo won't run itself.
Come with me, please.
Come on.
You smell of fornication.
Mummy!
Paulina, put some effort into it.
[unenthusiastically] Roll up.
Spin the wheel.
Round and round it goes.
No wonder no one's spinning it.
Where it ends, no one knows.
It's not a wet weekend in Wigan, darling. It's the Advent Wheel of Fortune!
What's the prize?
Land on Christmas Day, and you get a knitted toilet-roll cover.
-Brilliant. -[clapping]
Land on it three times, and you get a car.
Wow!
[drumroll]
[tense music swells to crescendo]
That's my Rolls!
[snoring]
[woman] Say bye-bye to Santa now.
Bye, Santa. Bye.
All right. In we go, Henry.
Pie number two.
Mmm. Mm-mm.
Ooh!
They sure do Christmas right here.
Mmm.
Mm. What do you think, Henry?
I think that's an eight.
An eight for the pie.
An eight.
Or, uh…
Or… or a nine? A nine.
A nine maybe, or… or a ten.
A ten. The perfect pie.
You guys!
-Hi. Hi. Hi! Hi! -Hello.
Sorry we missed breakfast. Jet lag.
You've missed more important things over the last 27 years.
I wouldn't concern yourself over a missed breakfast.
Caroline Christmas.
I love your costume.
It's just the way I dress, but thank you.
[giggles]
Well, we're here now to help out in any way we can.
Oh, I don't think there's anything that needs doing.
Actually, there… there is something you could help with.
Ooh.
-You… -Yes.
I'm going to dress you…
This is the one. We've got this. We've got this. Come on!
We got this. We got this. We got this.
[gasps]
-[crowd groans] -[Felix] Oh no! [echoes]
Apparently, he's been on the mulled wine since nine o'clock this morning.
What do you propose we do about it?
[cow mooing]
Okay. All the threes. Thirty-three.
[crowd groans]
[mooing]
[James] Well, I wouldn't say no to a glass of warm milk
and a small, small plate of cookies.
Mrs. Claus has me on a diet.
What's the matter, darling?
Father bloody Christmas.
I think he's rather good at it.
Yeah. If only they knew.
Just because he didn't stay in touch doesn't mean he didn't want to.
Not even a Christmas card.
Off you go now, Esme.
Merry Christmas. Who's next, Jackie?
Santa, this is Isabella. She's been a very good girl.
Why, thank you, Jackie.
[clears throat] That's my favorite elf, Jackie.
What can I do for you, young lady, hm?
We must learn to forgive.
Especially at this time of year.
I don't know how you can stand the sight of him.
Um, I think you are actually an angel.
[laughing]
My little Christmas pudding.
You can't control people or the things they do.
All you can control is how you respond.
[wheel spinning]
[groaning]
Just one more, please. One more.
No, no, Felix. Don't you think someone else should have a go?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Naa!
Yeah! How about I do every spin on the wheel?
Yeah, that'll do nicely.
Come on!
[James] Ho, ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho, ho.
All right. All right, children. Just a moment.
I will get to each and every one of you,
but for right now, follow my favorite elf to Santa's workshop.
Hubba-hubba!
Don't tell Mrs. Claus I said that.
So, what sort of a Father Christmas are you? An absent one?
Someday we'll have a serious conversation.
How could it be anything else, Santa?
Not just now. There's someone more important I need to speak to.
He is trying, you know?
Yes, very.
Ho, ho, ho!
I know you're not real.
I'm 12 and three-quarters.
Of course I'm not the real Santa Claus.
I'm standing in for him. Everybody knows that.
It's me, your granddad.
You didn't even know I existed.
Of course I did.
And I'm looking forward to your solo tomorrow.
I hear you're very good.
[sighs]
Did I say something wrong?
I'm a terrible singer.
They wouldn't let you up there if that were true.
Mum's making me do it,
and she gave a big donation to the Nightingale Lodge
so they'd cast me.
They wouldn't have cast you if you weren't the best.
[sighs] I'm not.
Look, if you have enough courage to get up on that stage and sing,
even if you're flat as a cowpat, no one's going to notice.
-Really? -Mm-hmm.
Look, I'm dressed as Santa Claus, and nobody seems to care.
You know, people are gonna say and do a lot of things in your life.
Know what I say? Sod 'em.
-Can I ask you a question? -Of course.
Why did you leave Grandma and Mum and her sisters?
That is a big question.
Did you ever have something so beautiful,
something you loved so much,
and then lost it?
So that to…
see it or even just think of it
made you sad?
In a photo, a poem.
You have to hide it away.
Somewhere. Somehow.
Run.
So that you don't feel sad anymore.
Are you gonna leave again?
No, sweetheart.
Grandpa's done running.
[chuckles]
[groans]
Can you believe I've had to win all these just to get my Rolls back?
[Peter sighs]
So how are you bonding with the family?
Bonding?
Now there's a word I wouldn't use to define your family.
They're not strictly mine.
Well, one of them is.
Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas, Father Christmas. -[laughs]
[water running]
[water stops]
[sighs] I wish my Grammy could see me now.
She would have loved Christmas in a palace. Hmm.
You were so hot in that Santa suit.
Mm. How could I live without you?
You don't have to.
I almost did.
You spent so long in the shower, I thought a prune was gonna walk out.
Jambo. You're so cute!
[screams]
Who nicked all the hot water?
Hi.
Ah! Look who's here. The Ghost of Christmases Past.
How are you, little brother?
John. Didn't know you were joining us for lunch today.
Oh yes. I'm here every Christmas.
Yes, yes. Like a bad penny, I always turn up, you know?
Not really your thing, though, is it?
Okay. You wanted to meet my family. You've met them. They are a nightmare.
Please can we go back to London before I literally lose my mind?
Darling.
It's Christmas Eve.
It's only two more days.
Baby, family is everything.
Okay.
I love you.
[laughing]
[gun cocks, gunshot]
[whimpers]
[gunshots]
[dogs howling]
So, I… I've made you something.
It's, um, it's vegan and gluten-free with a little touch of caffeine.
-Ah. -Awesome.
It looks very nourishing.
And there's always oats down at the stables.
[footsteps approaching]
I want you to know I had to have a shower with cold water.
Our shower was like a steam room.
I was in there for an hour.
What?
Ah, yes, Jackie.
Perhaps it's time to have a little conversation
about being fair with the hot water.
These old houses are a little bit temperamental.
Don't get me started on the electrics.
At least you got your clothes back.
Oh, I hate you.
Please, could everybody just get along
and put their squabbles behind them for 48 hours?
-Hear, hear. -Not you.
-Uh, where are the children? -Oh, they've already eaten, Mummy.
I thought it'd be nice to spend some adult time together.
[awkward chuckle]
Yes. Well, perhaps a toast.
-[Elizabeth] Ah. -Peter, if I may?
[Peter] Yes, of course.
Absent fathers.
No.
I'd like to say that I… I realize it's been many years.
Here's to understatement. Shall we eat?
For heaven's sake, man. Be quiet.
Oh! Left your sense of humor in the colonies, did we?
You know what?
I'll push this so far down your throat, you'll need a colonoscopy to remove it!
I propose a duel.
Me and Yankee Doodle Dandy here.
Pistols at dawn.
No, let's do it the American way.
Step outside. Now!
Marvelous.
No, James. John!
[tense music playing]
Are they really having a fight?
[dramatic music playing]
[sighs]
[rock music playing]
-[Joanna] Come on, Uncle John! -[Vicky] My money's on Dad.
-Come on! -Come on, Dad!
-Come on! -You get him!
[Joanna] Oh my God!
[rock music continues]
What are you doing?
-Come on, Uncle John! -Come on, John.
-[Jackie] Come on! -[Vicky] Come on! Get in there!
[Joanna] Come on!
[Vicky] Smack him!
[Joanna] Uncle, come on!
-Get him, Dad! -Come on!
Careful, John. Duck, John!
What is it with you Americans? Why… why don't you play to ordinary rules?
-[Vicky] Go on, Dad! Kick him! -[Felix] Oh my God.
-Do it! Do it! Do it! -Come on!
-Go on, do it. You can totally get him. -Come on!
Elizabeth, good God! Put some clothes on.
[all gasp]
That's not good.
You are dead to me.
You're dead to the whole family.
Move. Move. Just…
Whoa!
Oh, you're not worth it.
[all gasp]
Now you can finish your speech.
I won.
I'd like that.
[emotional music playing]
Jackie.
Oh my God. Is this happening?
Is this really happening?
Hmm.
You make my heart smile.
You make me wanna live forever.
So, as long as I do,
I'd like you beside me.
[gasping]
I wanna marry you, and I hope you wanna marry me too.
Oh, Jambo. [squeals]
I do! I do! I do!
-[Jackie] Oh! -Ah.
[laughing]
Congratulations.
[Jackie giggles]
[Jackie sighs]
This must be hard for them.
Go be with your daughters.
You are wonderful.
I know. [giggles]
Girls.
I had a plan in mind
of how this was gonna go.
This wasn't exactly it.
What did you expect?
You've been in America all this time. You haven't even thought about us.
-That's not true. -[Joanna] Really?
Maybe I should talk to the post office about the decades
of missing birthday cards and Christmas presents.
You never wanted for anything.
A roof over your head.
College.
Your wedding.
That was Mum.
With my money.
She would have said.
We both agreed it was best to do it this way.
I was in no state to be a father back then.
You don't know anything about us.
Your mother kept me in the loop.
I've been incredibly proud of you all.
And yet so distant.
I was in an incredible amount of pain.
I was dangerously close to inflicting…
some irreparable harm.
[voice cracking] Believe me.
Leaving was the right thing to do, at least at the time.
I would do anything…
anything to be a part of this family now.
[emotional music playing]
Dad.
Yeah?
[sniffles]
We're going to the pub.
Do you want to come with us?
I'd love that.
[band playing music]
[crowd whooping]
I didn't realize Caroline was your sister.
Yeah. You look surprised.
Well, yeah. You guys are very different.
True. Send us some more beer.
Okay. Coming up.
♪ I'm not going anywhere ♪
[crowd cheering]
Here's your order, guys. Six pints and six packets of crisps.
[band resumes playing]
Not quite the gourmet feast my beautiful wife prepared,
but there you go.
Hey, James. Jackie would have a heart attack right now.
[laughs] I'm with my daughters.
Do not begrudge me a good old-fashioned bag of crisps.
Mmm. Whoo!
-To Dad! -Ooh! Yes.
-Daddy. -Joanna.
[Peter] Cheers.
[James] This band is great.
Um, I need to tell you all something.
You're a lesbian. You tell us every Christmas.
-What? -Mm-hmm.
Yeah, she tells us every year that she's gay,
and she never provides any evidence.
I don't like men.
I just like sleeping with them.
Steady on. What's the use in me?
Oh, Peter!
Good Lord, it really is Christmas.
-And like Santa, he only comes once-- -No, don't!
Darling, would you like a whiskey chaser?
Yes, I would!
Capital idea. Waitress!
Whiskey chasers for all my girls.
Yep.
Me and you would go shopping every year for Mum
and see the Christmas lights on Oxford Street,
and it was magical.
And you were the best dad ever.
We all went.
You just wanted to stay with me while the others went shopping.
It was the best time of my life.
I missed you.
I looked for you that Christmas morning, and I looked every Christmas since.
I'm here now, sweetheart.
Yes. Yes, you are.
Mm-hmm.
Whiskey! [laughs]
[James] Thank you, Joanna.
Bottoms up, everyone.
Oh, that is awful. Holy crap.
Merry Christmas.
♪ Bring me some good news Good news… ♪
She's looking at me.
Yes. Yes, she is.
♪ Bring me something good ♪
[cheering]
♪ Have a merry Christmas ♪
Thank you very much. Okay, settle down! Settle down!
Ladies and gentlemen, I do not know if you are aware,
we have a very, very special surprise for you tonight.
If you didn't know, the Christmas sisters are here tonight!
Come on up! Come on up to the stage.
Girls. Girls, please.
Sing a song for us.
Hello, Plough people!
[cheering]
We are the Christmas sisters,
and tonight we have a very, very, very special guest.
The man, the myth, the legend, our father, James Christmas!
[Vicky] Father Christmas is back!
-What do you wanna sing? -Come on, Daddy.
-♪ We… ♪ -Oh.
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
♪ And a happy New Year ♪
♪ Glad tidings we bring ♪
♪ To you and your kin ♪
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
♪ And a happy New Year ♪
♪ We all want some figgy pudding ♪
♪ So bring some out here ♪
♪ Glad tidings we bring ♪
♪ To you and your kin ♪
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
♪ And a happy New Year ♪
One more time!
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
♪ And a happy New Year ♪
♪ Glad tidings we bring ♪
♪ To you and your kin ♪
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
♪ And a happy New Year ♪
[crowd cheering]
[rock music playing]
[giggling]
Hi! [squeaks]
Oh, look, Jackie!
Hi!
[rock music continues]
A New Yorker meets Yorkshire.
My family tradition to yours!
Surprise!
[music slows down]
[music speeds back up]
-[electrical crackling] -[screams]
She's blown the bloody house up.
[laughing] Yes!
O-M-G.
[Peter coughing]
Gordon Bennett!
[coughing]
You go get some sleep, Peter, all right? I'll… I'll have a fiddle with this.
-Oh, that's very kind of you, John. -That's all right.
You know about these things, so I think I might just turn in.
Yeah, you do. Sleep well.
[whimsical music playing]
[Peter grunts]
Christmas baubles.
[groans]
Yes.
[breathing heavily]
[Peter] Hi, kids. You okay?
We had a power cut.
Daddy, if we have no lights, how will Father Christmas find us?
Well, it's modern times, Henry. Father Christmas navigates by radar now.
-[giggles] -He still won't see us.
Well, you don't know, but actually,
uh, last Christmas, um,
Rudolph got actually given
a pair of super-duper, top-of-the-range night-vision goggles for this very reason.
-That's good. [laughs] -It is good. It is good.
Ah.
Well, blankets. It's cold. Okay.
Right, you two. I love you.
Go to sleep, okay?
'Cause tomorrow morning, it's Christmas.
[laughs]
-[Daisey] Night, Dad. -Night night.
Um, ooh.
Those.
There is so much food.
Yes, well, it'll be okay outside, I think.
-I can't believe how drunk your wife got. -Yes.
She's, uh, passed out upstairs, I believe.
But I'm sure she'll be back to her ebullient self in the morning.
Here we are. And then, can you manage one more?
Oh, yes.
Ooh! That's a big one. There we are.
[groans]
What is that, actually?
Uh, heavy is what it is. Heavy.
Smells. Ooh.
Hurry back. There's plenty more.
[mischievous music playing]
Oh.
Excellent.
Right. Here we are.
Move your arse.
-You are so bossy. -You've not seen anything yet.
Got it? Well done. Lovely.
Right.
-[Vicky] Peter. -Yes.
What about foxes?
Foxes won't get in there. No problem.
[door thuds]
I'm so, so sorry.
[sighs] Please.
Oh.
It's absolutely fine.
Is there anything we can help with?
No. Please, no.
John is sparking up the mother ship as we speak,
so hopefully, by the morning, we'll have some light.
How's Caroline?
She's good. She's fine.
She's passed out, so she's fine.
I'm not gonna be able to sleep.
Felix?
[knocking on door] What are you doing?
-[Felix] I'm a little busy, darling. -[sighs]
Caroline. Are you in there?
[snoring]
Hm.
Will there ever be electricity again?
I have quite enough electricity, thank you.
Between the two of us, we could power up the Pennines.
[laughs]
You really are a most remarkable woman.
Oh, get on with your work.
I think I need some inspiration.
That'll do it.
[exhales]
[Caroline groans]
[Caroline snoring]
-[door closes] -[snorts, gasps]
Huh?
Hm.
[groans]
[sighs]
Caroline?
I'm in the bathroom.
John's gonna work on it all night, so
eventually we should have some electricity.
[groans]
-[groans] -[door opens]
Happy Christmas, darling.
Good Lord!
Sorry. Not in these shoes. [laughs]
Whoo! [laughs]
[upbeat instrumental music playing]
Happy Christmas, darling!
Ah-ooh!
Here I come.
-[snoring] -[music fades]
No, no, no. No! No! No! No, darling!
Please. No, no, no! No!
-Kidding! -[music resumes]
[music ends]
Oh, honey.
I can't believe I blew up Christmas.
[laughs]
Nah.
You think Santa would mind if I open one of my presents early?
I don't think he would mind at all.
[instrumental Christmas music playing]
[emotional music playing]
Well, we must go to the Plough more often.
New Year's bloody resolution.
Ooh. Ah.
Maybe no whiskey chasers next time.
[chuckles]
I need to check on the kids.
Maybe I should change first.
Well…
I love you.
I love you too.
[sighs]
God, I love Christmas.
[sighs]
Fan-bloody-tasti…
Bloody hell.
[toilet flushing]
"Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace."
-Merry-- -Don't…
say it.
Everything all right?
I'm such an idiot.
Seventeen years, 364 days, and my marriage is over.
What?
I've been made a cuckold.
You two were like young lovers last night.
Star-crossed, my friend.
What the hell happened?
She's having a baby.
Well, that's amazing!
To have a baby, my friend, one needs to have sex.
Unless, of course, she is the Virgin Mary, which she is not.
So it's a miracle?
[chuckles]
I haven't been allowed in her room for 18 months.
Until last night.
[laughs]
Then it must be the quickest pregnancy in the history of procreation,
unless, of course, I am now a mosquito.
Do mosquitoes have short gestations?
Yes, and they mate for life.
-I thought that was seahorses. -[screams] Who cares?
My wife is having an affair.
And she's pregnant…
with another man.
I'm leaving.
On Christmas Day?
Why not? It's a family tradition!
[grunts]
[door slams shut]
Merry Christmas, Peter.
[Peter] Is it?
[James] Going somewhere?
As far away from here as possible!
Is he still upset about the electricity?
[screaming]
Eighteen months. Eighteen months!
[grunting]
[Peter shouting indistinctly]
English men are so emotional.
[dramatic music playing]
[grunting]
-Something is very wrong. -Eee.
[uplifting music playing]
Merry Christmas, kids.
[both] Merry Christmas, Granddad.
[both] Presents! Presents!
-Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. -Ah. Merry Christmas.
We should wait for Daddy.
No!
[Caroline] Peter! Presents!
Sometimes this house is just too big.
Peter!
You can open two.
[Henry] What's this?
Mum, this is just weird.
Like, really weird.
Peter!
It's because Father Christmas couldn't see the house.
No, it's because your father mixed up the presents.
Whee!
[exclaiming]
Got him. I've got him again. Another one. Another one.
This is the best Christmas ever.
[Caroline] Peter!
Peter!
[laughing]
-Peter! -[James] Caroline.
Peter, where are you?
He was very upset.
Well, he should be. He can't do anything right.
You're awfully hard on him.
Oh, I'm sorry. Is this a sausage club where you all stick up for each other?
Peter's gone.
What do you mean, "gone"?
He left. He said he wanted to get as far away from here as possible.
[scoffs] Because he mixed up the presents?
I don't know. He was very distracted. He didn't make a lot of sense.
He wouldn't just leave for no reason. He's not you.
Leaving you was the most difficult thing I did in my life.
I should have fought harder for you.
Yes, you should have.
I'm going to get ready and find my husband.
Yeah, so much for great British wood.
Happy Christmas, Mr. Fox.
-Hm. What a mess. -Yeah.
Hey, I love your work, by the way.
[scoffs] It's just a thesis.
It would make a very good book.
-Really? -Yeah.
I mean, I can feel the passion, your love for those mop-top boys.
They're the only boys I've ever really liked.
Look, I was thinking, could I take it to my people?
I think they'd love it.
But I… I thought you were a stockbroker.
No, that was Hamish. No, I'm into publishing.
I work with cars, books, magazines.
We also have a great music department in Los Angeles.
Mm-hmm.
[squeals]
No!
[knocking at door]
[Caroline] Vicky!
Vicky! Vicky! Vicky!
[Vicky] What? I'm asleep.
Are you pregnant?
No.
Well, somebody left a positive pregnancy test in my bathroom,
and Peter saw it, and now he's gone.
[gasps] Paulina!
-[door opens] -[Caroline screams]
Christmas is ruined!
[sobs]
[sobs] Christmas is canceled.
Sweetheart, what's the matter?
There's no food.
And Peter's left me.
No!
Why?
The foxes ate it all.
No, no. Why did Peter leave you?
[sobbing] Because he thinks I'm having an affair.
-Are you? -[Caroline] No!
Then why does he think you have a fancy man?
Because he thinks I'm pregnant.
-Are you? -No!
I need to know whose this is. Somebody's pregnant.
It's mine.
You're pregnant?
Yes.
I've done ten tests in ten days, and…
they're always the same.
[Felix] Oh my God.
Is it mine?
[splutters] Of course it's yours.
[Joanna sobs]
I'm gonna get so fat.
It's wonderful.
No, it's not wonderful. I'm gonna have a bloody baby.
It's bloody brilliant.
We're gonna be a family.
-We are? -Yes.
[emotional music playing]
That's great. Congratulations.
But because of you, my husband's left me because he thinks I'm an adulterer.
Here.
Thank you.
Still,
I guess it's tradition
for the men in this family to walk out on Christmas Day.
That's not fair.
Mummy, how can you defend him after what he did to you?
After what I did to him.
[gasps]
Elizabeth. Now is not the time.
Then when is the time?
They need to know, James.
I can't live with this secret anymore.
What secret?
I broke your father's heart.
What do you mean?
Your father left because I had an affair.
No!
Thank you.
[sniffles]
And a baby.
[emotional music playing]
Please don't blame your mother.
Sometimes things just happen.
[sobs] It's me, isn't it?
[sobbing] I always knew I was different.
Oh, don't be ridiculous, Joanna.
We had you when we were still in our teens.
Oh.
It's me.
[exhales]
[emotional music playing]
Well, then who's my father?
Look what's for dinner.
[laughing]
Oh God, no.
What on earth is going on?
Has Greek drama come to Dunnock Manor? What?
You're my father.
Uh…
Guilty as charged.
[Henry] Is Daddy back from his walk?
If we're going to do this nativity play, we need to go now.
Oh Mary Mother of Jesus.
Right, and I can't be late.
Don't worry, sweetheart. You won't be late. I'll find your Dad.
John, I need your help. Come on.
[John sighs]
Well, what a lovely reunion, eh?
Laughter, tears, good old-fashioned punch-up.
-Something for everyone. -We'll talk one day.
Right now, you're gonna help save a marriage for once.
James, um,
I'm sorry, uh…
sorry you behaved much better than I did.
Well, thank you.
This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
-Hm. -Let's go.
[instrumental Christmas music playing]
[indistinct chattering]
-[audience clapping] -Ah.
[reverend] Thank you.
Thank you. Ah, thank you all.
And a very Merry Christmas.
This year, as always, the children are well-prepared,
with the help of their wonderful teacher, Mrs. Stressel…
who will also accompany them on the piano.
So, please, enjoy!
It was in a bleak midwinter
when Mary and Joseph made their way to Bethlehem.
How much longer, Joseph? I'm so tired.
Get in this. We'll be there in no time.
[chuckles]
Have you booked a room in Bethlehem?
Actually, the Nightingale Lodge.
[cheering]
I hope it's not full.
It's okay. I sent them a text.
[laughing]
[bell ringing]
[emotional music playing]
[Peter] James.
Peter.
You know, my wife, your daughter, is having an affair,
and she's having a baby with someone else.
No, she's not. It's Joanna's baby.
No way.
[splutters] Is it Felix?
Yes.
[sighs] Oh God!
-Sorry. -[chuckles]
-Oh, Caroline must be furious with me. -She is.
I know that look.
What look?
The face of a man who wishes he'd handled things a little differently.
Especially with his family.
You know, I was so wrapped up trying to build a practice
that I actually neglected my wife and my girls.
And my big brother, John, was there to fill in for me.
Which he did.
In any number of ways.
So that Christmas morning, I ran.
I couldn't face it.
Until Vicky came to visit me in Miami…
completely unaware that she's the reason I left.
And I decided it was finally time
to put an end to all this nonsense.
How do you mean?
I love Vicky as my own daughter.
But she is John and Elizabeth's child.
No!
This is why I left.
Any fool could see how much in love they were.
Still are, for that matter.
Just as any fool could see how much in love you and Caroline are.
Now, get up. [clears throat]
I've got some grandchildren to see in their Christmas pageant.
Think you'd wanna be there too.
Yes.
Behold, the Christmas star.
♪ Away in a manger ♪
♪ No crib for a bed ♪
♪ The little Lord Jesus ♪
♪ Laid down his sweet head ♪
♪ The stars in the bright sky ♪
♪ Looked down where… ♪
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
[Peter] Hi.
♪ Asleep on the hay ♪
I… I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry. I love you, you silly thing.
♪ The little Lord Jesus ♪
Your dad came to get me.
He's an amazing man.
[inaudible] Thank you.
♪ Look down from the sky ♪
♪ And stay by my side ♪
♪ Until morning is nigh… ♪
Why does Wise Man Number Three have his guinea pig with him?
Oh, he thinks I'm gonna chop its head off.
You're gonna be an incredible mother.
Hm.
♪ Bless all the dear children… ♪
I have missed you, big brother.
I've missed you, little brother.
♪ To live with thee there ♪
Bravo!
Bravissimo!
[Alan] Hello! Hi. Hi.
Now, I really hope we all enjoy our delicious Christmas meal.
But before we do, I think it is important
that we say a big thank you to the Christmas family
who have stepped in very kindly to serve food for you today.
-Beans? You're not a has-been. -Yes, please.
You must have sprouts at Christmas.
What kind of music do you like?
Oh, anything from the Beatles.
-[woman] Yes. -[man] Yes.
[both laughing]
It's… Did you not? There we are.
Jambo, could we live in England?
-Nothing would make me happier. -[squeals, laughs]
Can we get a modern castle? Like, maybe five years old?
Sure, honey.
Yorkshire pudding?
-[Edna] Not with turkey. -Too fattening.
It'll make me grow, won't it?
Uncle John, it's gonna be very weird for me to call you Dad.
Would 30 years of pocket money help?
[groans]
Oh.
Oh, my darling. I love you so much.
One more?
-[woman] One more. -Yeah?
-Darling, I am so sorry about the meal. -Oh, don't worry about it.
I really need to, uh, fix that fence.
Honestly, this has been the best Christmas ever.
Good Lord, I love you.
This is gonna be the finest turkey you've ever eaten in your life.
Dude, you're giving her so much turkey.
[Jackie] That's a lot of turkey.
Oh my God, I forgot Ben.
-Who's Ben? -The bartender.
I left him back at the house tied up on the bed.
Oh, don't worry about it. He'll get used to it.
-[laughs] -Oh.
Do you really want to marry me?
Of course I do. I love you.
But promise me this.
We spend next Christmas with my family.
Of course. Where do they live?
-Bahamas. -Yes!
Is it okay if I bring my family?
I just wish it would have snowed.
Leave it with me. The name's not Christmas for nothing.
Oh, honey!
[both laughing]
[uplifting music playing]
[instrumental Christmas music playing]
[suspenseful music playing]
[uplifting music playing]
[intriguing music playing]
[dramatic music playing]
[whimsical music playing]
[emotional music playing]
[music ends]