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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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(gentle music)

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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- Hey, they're ready for you
Max.

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- Oh, good.

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- It is black. Extra strong.
- Thank you.

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- Okay. We're on our way.

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- Okay, one minute till we
shoot.

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Thank you guys. Let's be ready.

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- There we go.

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- Final check-
- Is this my chair?

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- Let's have a red light bell,
please.

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(bell ringing)

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- Where's my phone?

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Who has my phone?

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- Sound.

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Camera.

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- All right. How's my hair?

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How's my hair?

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- It's looking good. Looking
good.

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- Nice and quiet, please.

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Ready for a take.

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Cameras are rolling.

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Set.

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- One take one.
- Mark it.

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(slate clacks)

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Quiet.

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Stand by and...

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Action.

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- When I was an atheist,
if you had asked me,

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why do you not believe in God?

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I would've answered, look
at the universe we live in.

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Mostly empty space, completely
dark.

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Unimaginably cold.

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Most scientists think it
improbable

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that any planet in our
solar system sustains life

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and Earth herself existed
without
life for millions of years

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and may exist millions more

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after life has once again left
her.

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And what is life?

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So arranged that creatures live
only by preying on another.

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In the lower forms, this means
only death.

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In the higher forms something
called consciousness

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enables the living to experience
pain.

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Creatures are born in pain,

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live by inflicting pain
and mostly die in pain.

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In the most complex of all
creatures, man,

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another quality appears, reason.

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And by reason we can foresee our
own pain.

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This we call suffering.

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We can foresee our own death

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while keenly desiring to go on
living.

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Reason enables humans to invent
hundreds of ingenious ways

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of inflicting a great deal more
pain

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than we could have done
as irrational creatures.

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This power we have exploited to
the full.

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History's our record of
crime, war, disease, terror,

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with just enough happiness to
give us

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an agonized fear of losing it.

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And when lost, the poignant
misery

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of remembering how good it felt.

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Every now and then our
condition is improved

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by what we call civilization.

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But all civilizations pass away.

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That our own civilization will
pass away is surely probable,

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and even if it should not pass
away,

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we're all doomed, the universe
is doomed.

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The astronomers hold out no hope

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that this planet is
permanently inhabitable.

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The physicists hold out
no hope that organic life

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is a permanent possibility in
any part

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of the material universe.

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Not only this earth, but the
whole show.

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All the suns of space are to run
down.

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Nature is a sinking ship.

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So if you asked me to believe
all this I've just described

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as the work of an
omnipotent, benevolent God,

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I would have laughed and said

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the evidence points in
the opposite direction.

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Either there's no God behind the
universe,

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a God indifferent to good and
evil,

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or worse, an evil God,

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Never dreamed of raising the
question

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if the universe is so
bad, or even half so bad,

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how on Earth did humans
ever come to attribute

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it to the work of a wise and
good creator?

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Oh men are fools!

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But not so foolish as that,

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to direct inference from black
to white,

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from evil flower to virtuous
root,

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from senseless work to a
workman infinitely wise.

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Staggers belief.

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No, I did not believe God
existed.

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I was angry at God for not
existing.

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Why should creatures have
the burden of existence

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forced upon them without their
consent?

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(soft pensive music)

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I lost my mother to cancer.

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Had an estranged
relationship with my father

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that I regret even now.

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Was in the trenches during the
Great War,

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the hell where youth and
laughter go

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only to see horribly smashed men

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still moving about like crushed
beetles.

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A mortar shell that wounded
me, killed the man next to me,

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splattering shrapnel,

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some of which I carry my body to
this day.

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(car hoots)

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(bicycle bell rings)

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(church bell tolls)

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When I returned to Oxford
after the war in 1919,

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I read the minutes to my
college's last meeting in 1914,

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nothing made me realize more
thoroughly

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the absolute waste of those
years.

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I was asked "Were you much
frightened in France?"

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"All the time," I said,

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"but I never sank so low as to
pray."

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Some people have got the
impression from my books

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that I was raised in a
strict and vivid puritanism.

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This is untrue.

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- Mr. Lewis.

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- Roger, usual please.

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You? Make that two.

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I'll get these.

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Edel will find us a table.

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- [Edel] You can have this one.

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There you go. All done.

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- No, religious experience
did not occur in my family.

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Was taught the usual things,
made to say my prayers,

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in due time taken to church.

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Can't remember feeling
much interest in it.

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Cheers!

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Father was a solicitor
in Belfast, Ireland.

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He was Welsh by blood,
passionate, rhetorical,

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laughed and cried a great deal.

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Had almost no talent for
happiness.

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Mother was of a cooler race.

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She was tranquil, affectionate.

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She had a talent for happiness.
Went straight for it.

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As an experienced traveler

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goes for the best seat on a
train.

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(pensive music)

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I lived in a large house
that to a small boy

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seemed like a city.

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I am a product of long
corridors,

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empty sunlit rooms, attics
explored in solitude,

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distant noises of gurgling
cisterns and pipes.

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The noise of wind under the
tiles

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and endless books.

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Books readable and unreadable,

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books suitable for a child
and books emphatically not.

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Nothing was forbidden.

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In the seemingly endless rainy
afternoons

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I almost literally read
my way through the house.

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- Jack.

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You'll never guess what I found!

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Quick!

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- Hey wait for me!

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Hey wait!

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- Catch up.

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- Hey Jack, now stop!
Don't disturb your father!

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- Boys!

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Boys!

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- Boys.

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- Happy days.

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My brother Warnie and I
enjoyed them to the full.

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Until the great loss
that befell our family.

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(somber music)

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One night, my father in
tears came into my room

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to convey to my terrified mind

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things I'd never conceived of.

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My mother had cancer.

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- [Father] The doctor said, we
can't-

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- [C.S. Lewis] I don't
think children suffer

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less than their elders,
they suffer differently.

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- So we have to be strong.

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- [C.S. Lewis] And as our
whole existence changed

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into something alien and
menacing.

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00:09:44,921 --> 00:09:46,629
- Your mother loves you very
much.

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- [C.S. Lewis] The house
became full of strange smells,

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midnight noises and sinister
whispered conversations.

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(Mother coughing)

183
00:10:03,171 --> 00:10:04,212
- [Nurse] We need some
fresh bandages quickly.

184
00:10:04,504 --> 00:10:05,212
- [C.S. Lewis] My brother Warnie
and I

185
00:10:05,504 --> 00:10:08,379
lost our mother gradually
as she was slowly withdrawn

186
00:10:08,671 --> 00:10:11,546
from our life into the hands of
nurses,

187
00:10:11,837 --> 00:10:14,171
delirium and morphea.

188
00:10:18,087 --> 00:10:19,004
- Oh Doctor. Thank goodness.

189
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- The disease followed the usual
course,

190
00:10:21,962 --> 00:10:24,421
an operation, they operated
in the patient's house

191
00:10:24,712 --> 00:10:27,879
in those days, an apparent
recovery,

192
00:10:28,171 --> 00:10:32,879
the return at the disease,
increasing pain, death.

193
00:10:35,629 --> 00:10:36,629
(door closing)

194
00:10:36,921 --> 00:10:40,046
When mother died, all settled
happiness

195
00:10:40,337 --> 00:10:42,754
disappeared from our lives.

196
00:10:43,712 --> 00:10:45,921
A great continent had sunk.

197
00:10:47,379 --> 00:10:50,046
It was only sea and islands now.

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00:10:50,337 --> 00:10:53,546
(somber music continues)

199
00:11:04,629 --> 00:11:07,296
(father sobbing)

200
00:11:12,296 --> 00:11:13,712
My father never recovered.

201
00:11:16,421 --> 00:11:19,962
Under the pressure he spoke
wildly, acted unjustly,

202
00:11:21,379 --> 00:11:23,712
as this unfortunate
man was losing his sons

203
00:11:24,004 --> 00:11:24,837
as well as his wife.

204
00:11:26,754 --> 00:11:29,587
My brother Warnie and I had
already begun to lie to him.

205
00:11:30,796 --> 00:11:32,087
We were two frightened urchins,

206
00:11:32,379 --> 00:11:34,462
huddled for warmth in a bleak
world.

207
00:11:37,921 --> 00:11:41,087
Mother's death occasioned, what
some might say at the time,

208
00:11:41,379 --> 00:11:44,254
my first religious experience.

209
00:11:44,546 --> 00:11:46,629
When my mother's case
was pronounced hopeless

210
00:11:46,921 --> 00:11:48,712
I remembered what I had been
taught,

211
00:11:49,004 --> 00:11:52,504
that prayers offered in
faith would be granted.

212
00:11:52,796 --> 00:11:56,462
Accordingly, I set myself
to produce in prayer

213
00:11:56,754 --> 00:11:59,129
a firm belief for her recovery.

214
00:11:59,421 --> 00:12:01,587
When she died, I shifted ground.

215
00:12:01,879 --> 00:12:06,712
I worked myself into belief
that there was to be a miracle.

216
00:12:08,087 --> 00:12:10,254
Oh, I approached God.

217
00:12:10,546 --> 00:12:13,629
Not as savior or as
judge, but as magician.

218
00:12:13,921 --> 00:12:17,671
I simply wanted him to
restore the status quo.

219
00:12:17,962 --> 00:12:21,046
And when he had done
what was required of him,

220
00:12:21,337 --> 00:12:23,879
he would simply go away.

221
00:12:27,254 --> 00:12:29,004
The prayer hadn't worked.

222
00:12:29,296 --> 00:12:31,421
Oh, I was used to things not
working,

223
00:12:31,712 --> 00:12:32,796
thought no more about it.

224
00:12:35,712 --> 00:12:38,296
(pensive music)

225
00:12:42,587 --> 00:12:44,796
Mother's death among other
things,

226
00:12:45,087 --> 00:12:49,296
produced in me a deeply
ingrained pessimism.

227
00:12:49,587 --> 00:12:52,504
Oh, I was by no means unhappy,

228
00:12:52,796 --> 00:12:55,837
but I had definitely formed
the opinion that the universe

229
00:12:56,129 --> 00:12:59,837
in the main was a rather
regrettable institution.

230
00:13:09,129 --> 00:13:13,171
Father's melancholy was
a contributing factor.

231
00:13:13,462 --> 00:13:17,046
A prosperous man who by our
present tax-ridden standards

232
00:13:17,337 --> 00:13:19,712
would be described as incredibly
secure.

233
00:13:20,796 --> 00:13:25,712
Expressed adult life as
one unremitting struggle.

234
00:13:30,379 --> 00:13:32,587
Best one could hope for,
according to him,

235
00:13:32,879 --> 00:13:36,212
was to avoid the workhouse.

236
00:13:36,504 --> 00:13:38,837
This only by extreme exertion.

237
00:13:40,171 --> 00:13:43,129
Never thought to check his
highly colored comments

238
00:13:43,421 --> 00:13:44,587
against the obvious fact

239
00:13:44,879 --> 00:13:47,837
that we were living very
uncomfortable lives.

240
00:13:49,212 --> 00:13:52,129
Temperamental widower still
grieving the loss of his wife

241
00:13:53,087 --> 00:13:56,379
must be very wise to raise
two noisy school boys

242
00:13:56,671 --> 00:13:59,379
who reserve their confidence
only for each other.

243
00:14:01,087 --> 00:14:05,004
The same scene, reenacted time
after time.

244
00:14:09,337 --> 00:14:10,129
- Well?

245
00:14:11,421 --> 00:14:13,712
- [C.S. Lewis] When he opened
his mouth to reprove us

246
00:14:14,004 --> 00:14:17,504
he no doubt intended a
short well-chosen appeal

247
00:14:17,796 --> 00:14:19,546
to our common sense.

248
00:14:19,837 --> 00:14:21,921
- Have you nothing to say in
your defense?

249
00:14:22,212 --> 00:14:25,254
- But alas, he had been
a public prosecutor,

250
00:14:25,546 --> 00:14:27,671
long before he had become a
father.

251
00:14:27,962 --> 00:14:32,796
Words came to him and
intoxicated him as they came.

252
00:14:33,379 --> 00:14:36,504
- Never in all my born days

253
00:14:36,796 --> 00:14:40,629
have I come across such
recalcitrant behavior.

254
00:14:42,879 --> 00:14:44,921
Disobedience.

255
00:14:46,629 --> 00:14:50,629
Deliberate disobedience and
willfulness,

256
00:14:50,921 --> 00:14:55,129
such as would dismay the very
founders of our civilization.

257
00:14:57,129 --> 00:14:59,671
- What happened was a small
boy who left the bathroom

258
00:14:59,962 --> 00:15:04,796
in a pickle, found himself
attacked like Cicero on
Catiline.

259
00:15:05,921 --> 00:15:09,837
Simile on simile, rhetorical
question on rhetorical

260
00:15:10,129 --> 00:15:12,296
question, the flash of an
orator's eye,

261
00:15:12,587 --> 00:15:15,712
the gestures, the cadences...

262
00:15:16,796 --> 00:15:18,212
The pauses.

263
00:15:20,379 --> 00:15:22,212
The pauses were the chief
danger.

264
00:15:22,504 --> 00:15:25,837
- Well?

265
00:15:26,129 --> 00:15:28,462
- [C.S. Lewis] One was so long

266
00:15:28,754 --> 00:15:32,212
that my brother, assuming the
denunciation to have ended,

267
00:15:32,504 --> 00:15:35,587
humbly picked up his
book and resumed reading,

268
00:15:35,879 --> 00:15:38,796
a gesture which my
father, who had only made

269
00:15:39,087 --> 00:15:42,171
a rhetorical miscalculation
of about a second and a half

270
00:15:42,462 --> 00:15:43,587
described as-

271
00:15:43,879 --> 00:15:46,879
- Cool, premeditated, insolent!

272
00:15:47,962 --> 00:15:50,504
- The disproportion between the
tirades

273
00:15:50,796 --> 00:15:53,712
and what prompted them was
ludicrous.

274
00:15:54,004 --> 00:15:55,629
From the wilderness of words,

275
00:15:55,921 --> 00:15:58,629
emerged ideas I took literally.

276
00:15:58,921 --> 00:16:01,129
- Perhaps I should board up the
house.

277
00:16:03,837 --> 00:16:06,879
Keep you both in school all year
round.

278
00:16:07,171 --> 00:16:08,087
- And that we should be-

279
00:16:08,379 --> 00:16:13,254
- Sent to the colonies to end in
misery

280
00:16:13,546 --> 00:16:18,254
the career of crime on which
you have both already embarked.

281
00:16:23,962 --> 00:16:26,879
- Such was the effect
of my father's rhetoric,

282
00:16:28,254 --> 00:16:31,546
until I began to perceive
him as ridiculous.

283
00:16:31,837 --> 00:16:34,546
(kettle whistling)

284
00:16:36,337 --> 00:16:38,796
At 14, I ceased to be a
Christian.

285
00:16:39,837 --> 00:16:41,754
At that age one barely notices.

286
00:16:43,962 --> 00:16:46,504
At school, all the
teachers and book editors

287
00:16:46,796 --> 00:16:50,046
took it for granted that
religion was some sort of
endemic

288
00:16:50,337 --> 00:16:53,421
nonsense into which
humanity tended to blunder.

289
00:16:53,712 --> 00:16:57,796
In the midst of a
thousand false religions,

290
00:16:58,087 --> 00:17:00,921
stood our own, the thousand and
first,

291
00:17:01,212 --> 00:17:03,754
labeled completely true.

292
00:17:06,129 --> 00:17:11,046
On what grounds I asked, why
was it treated so differently?

293
00:17:11,546 --> 00:17:14,712
I was eager not to, if Adonis
could be explained away,

294
00:17:15,004 --> 00:17:16,796
then why not Christ?

295
00:17:17,087 --> 00:17:20,462
So little by little, I became an
apostate

296
00:17:20,754 --> 00:17:23,462
dropping my faith with no sense
of loss

297
00:17:23,754 --> 00:17:25,337
and with the greatest relief.

298
00:17:25,629 --> 00:17:28,337
Oh, there was no faith, hope
or charity in my religion.

299
00:17:28,629 --> 00:17:30,587
I feared not God, but hell,

300
00:17:30,879 --> 00:17:34,462
and heaven was only the lesser
of two intolerable evils.

301
00:17:34,754 --> 00:17:37,296
Oh, I became a vigorous
debunker and argued

302
00:17:37,587 --> 00:17:39,796
there's no proof for any
religion

303
00:17:40,087 --> 00:17:42,962
and that Christianity
is not even the best.

304
00:17:43,254 --> 00:17:45,921
Religion was invented to explain
things

305
00:17:46,212 --> 00:17:51,046
that terrified primitive man,
thunder, pestilence, snakes.

306
00:17:51,421 --> 00:17:52,879
What could be more natural than
to suppose

307
00:17:53,171 --> 00:17:56,379
they were animated by spirits
and that by singing songs

308
00:17:56,671 --> 00:17:59,504
and making sacrifices,
one might appease them.

309
00:17:59,796 --> 00:18:03,587
Great men such as Hercules and
Odin were thought to be gods.

310
00:18:03,879 --> 00:18:06,254
After their death, hence after
the death

311
00:18:06,546 --> 00:18:08,504
of a Hebrew philosopher, Yeshua,

312
00:18:08,796 --> 00:18:11,629
whose name we have corrupted
into Jesus,

313
00:18:11,921 --> 00:18:14,379
a cult sprang up and
Christianity began,

314
00:18:14,671 --> 00:18:17,462
just another mythology among
many.

315
00:18:17,754 --> 00:18:22,629
Oh the superstitions always
held by common people,

316
00:18:22,921 --> 00:18:26,212
but educated thinking was
always stood outside it,

317
00:18:26,504 --> 00:18:31,254
conceding to it only out of
convenience.

318
00:18:31,546 --> 00:18:33,629
And I was not prepared
to believe in a bogey man

319
00:18:33,921 --> 00:18:35,796
who would torture me forever

320
00:18:36,087 --> 00:18:40,921
because I failed to live up
to an impossible standard.

321
00:18:41,629 --> 00:18:44,754
(school bell ringing)

322
00:18:48,879 --> 00:18:51,171
(door closing)

323
00:18:51,462 --> 00:18:54,504
With my deliberate withdrawal
from divine protection,

324
00:18:54,796 --> 00:18:58,921
I underwent a successful
assault of sexual temptation.

325
00:18:59,212 --> 00:19:01,421
Part of it was the age I had
reached.

326
00:19:01,712 --> 00:19:04,379
The electric effect
was a dancing mistress.

327
00:19:04,671 --> 00:19:08,296
She was the first woman
to speak to my blood

328
00:19:08,587 --> 00:19:11,171
whom I looked upon to lust
after.

329
00:19:11,462 --> 00:19:13,046
- Good morning, boys.

330
00:19:13,337 --> 00:19:14,962
- [Boys] Good morning Miss.

331
00:19:15,254 --> 00:19:16,962
- This was of no fault of her
own.

332
00:19:17,254 --> 00:19:18,796
A gesture, tone of voice

333
00:19:19,087 --> 00:19:22,337
has unpredictable
results in these matters.

334
00:19:22,629 --> 00:19:25,962
As it happened, the school
room was decorated for dance.

335
00:19:26,254 --> 00:19:28,671
She came in and said.

336
00:19:28,962 --> 00:19:32,962
- (sighs) I love the smell of
bunting.

337
00:19:33,254 --> 00:19:33,962
- And I was undone.

338
00:19:36,004 --> 00:19:36,921
- Now, let us begin.

339
00:19:38,546 --> 00:19:40,212
Follow my every move.

340
00:19:41,171 --> 00:19:42,212
Thank you Elsie.

341
00:19:42,504 --> 00:19:44,171
(gentle piano music)

342
00:19:44,462 --> 00:19:45,087
Up.

343
00:19:46,546 --> 00:19:47,337
And down.

344
00:19:49,379 --> 00:19:50,087
And up.

345
00:19:53,129 --> 00:19:54,587
And dainty toes.

346
00:19:54,879 --> 00:19:55,879
Dainty toes, very good.

347
00:19:56,171 --> 00:19:57,504
Dainty toes.

348
00:19:57,796 --> 00:19:58,962
And around sway.

349
00:20:00,421 --> 00:20:01,129
Sway.

350
00:20:04,462 --> 00:20:07,212
- This was not a knight
devoting himself to a lady,

351
00:20:07,504 --> 00:20:09,837
more like a Turk looking
at a Circassian woman

352
00:20:10,129 --> 00:20:11,462
he could not afford.

353
00:20:11,754 --> 00:20:13,379
I knew what I wanted.

354
00:20:19,421 --> 00:20:21,212
You might think this produced
guilt.

355
00:20:22,462 --> 00:20:26,254
Guilt was not a thing I knew.

356
00:20:26,546 --> 00:20:28,754
- Well done boys. Well done.

357
00:20:32,796 --> 00:20:35,421
- I had been a tender-hearted
boy,

358
00:20:35,712 --> 00:20:40,421
but now I labored hard to
become a fop, a cad, a snob.

359
00:20:40,712 --> 00:20:44,046
I was at that time as non-moral

360
00:20:44,337 --> 00:20:47,129
as a human creature could be.

361
00:20:47,421 --> 00:20:48,171
- Oh Lewis.

362
00:20:50,379 --> 00:20:52,296
Do enjoy the holidays won't you?

363
00:20:54,879 --> 00:20:55,629
- Yes, miss.

364
00:20:59,712 --> 00:21:00,671
(men speaking indistinctly)

365
00:21:00,962 --> 00:21:04,004
- Oh, there you are. Where have
you been?

366
00:21:04,296 --> 00:21:05,546
- Sorry Father.
- Come on, come on.

367
00:21:05,837 --> 00:21:08,421
It won't wait you know. Thank
you.

368
00:21:08,712 --> 00:21:11,171
(expectant music)

369
00:21:11,462 --> 00:21:14,296
(train whistling)

370
00:21:14,587 --> 00:21:15,754
- [C.S. Lewis] I could not tell
my father

371
00:21:16,046 --> 00:21:17,212
my change of belief.

372
00:21:17,504 --> 00:21:20,712
He was no fool. He even
had a streak of genius.

373
00:21:21,004 --> 00:21:23,296
But for a man who was formidable
in court

374
00:21:23,587 --> 00:21:26,712
and I presume efficient in his
office,

375
00:21:27,004 --> 00:21:30,087
he had more power for confusing
an issue

376
00:21:30,379 --> 00:21:33,087
than any man I have ever known.

377
00:21:42,796 --> 00:21:45,921
Oh, the first barrier to
communication

378
00:21:46,212 --> 00:21:48,837
was having asked the question,

379
00:21:49,129 --> 00:21:50,962
he would not stay for the
answer.

380
00:21:51,921 --> 00:21:56,796
Tell him that a boy called
Churchwood had caught a mouse

381
00:21:57,087 --> 00:21:59,212
and kept it as a pet.

382
00:21:59,504 --> 00:22:00,629
He would ask-

383
00:22:00,921 --> 00:22:03,004
- Whatever became of young
Chickweed

384
00:22:03,296 --> 00:22:04,879
who was so afraid of rats?

385
00:22:05,837 --> 00:22:06,629
- Who sir?

386
00:22:07,712 --> 00:22:08,629
- Chickweed.

387
00:22:11,087 --> 00:22:14,004
- Oh, I think you mean
Churchwood.

388
00:22:14,296 --> 00:22:16,379
It was a mouse, not a rat.

389
00:22:17,421 --> 00:22:19,087
And he wasn't afraid of it, at
all.

390
00:22:21,212 --> 00:22:25,879
- Attempts to correct his
version produced an incredulous.

391
00:22:26,171 --> 00:22:30,754
- That's not the story
you used to tell, my boy.

392
00:22:31,046 --> 00:22:33,712
- All this explains,
though does not excuse,

393
00:22:34,671 --> 00:22:37,754
one of the worst acts of my
life.

394
00:22:40,712 --> 00:22:43,629
I allowed myself to
prepare for confirmation.

395
00:22:43,921 --> 00:22:47,546
To be confirmed, make my first
communion,

396
00:22:47,837 --> 00:22:51,921
all in total disbelief,

397
00:22:52,212 --> 00:22:57,046
acting a part, eating and
drinking my own condemnation.

398
00:22:58,212 --> 00:23:00,296
I knew I was acting a lie.

399
00:23:00,587 --> 00:23:04,921
I simply could not tell
my father my real views.

400
00:23:05,212 --> 00:23:06,921
Not that he would have stopped.

401
00:23:07,212 --> 00:23:09,879
Let's talk the whole thing
over, he would have said.

402
00:23:10,171 --> 00:23:12,421
But the thread would
have been lost at once.

403
00:23:12,712 --> 00:23:14,421
His arguments.

404
00:23:14,712 --> 00:23:16,546
I would not have valued a straw,

405
00:23:16,837 --> 00:23:19,796
the beauty of the authorized
version,

406
00:23:20,087 --> 00:23:22,337
the Christian tradition.

407
00:23:22,629 --> 00:23:24,796
Oh, it was all sentiment.

408
00:23:25,087 --> 00:23:29,921
And if I tried to make
by exact points clear,

409
00:23:30,504 --> 00:23:32,712
there would have been thunder
from him

410
00:23:33,004 --> 00:23:35,046
and a thin peevish rattle from
me,

411
00:23:35,337 --> 00:23:38,337
Nor could the subject
ever have been dropped.

412
00:23:40,671 --> 00:23:43,712
All this I ought to have dared

413
00:23:44,921 --> 00:23:48,087
rather than the thing I did.

414
00:23:48,379 --> 00:23:51,087
It seemed impossible at the
time,

415
00:23:52,129 --> 00:23:56,046
cowardice drove me to hypocrisy

416
00:23:56,337 --> 00:23:59,337
and hypocrisy to blasphemy.

417
00:24:00,379 --> 00:24:03,337
(anticipatory music)

418
00:24:05,962 --> 00:24:10,379
The years passed, then the
most fortunate thing happened.

419
00:24:10,671 --> 00:24:12,337
- A bit more to the right,
please.

420
00:24:12,629 --> 00:24:14,212
- [C.S. Lewis] My father had
declared

421
00:24:14,504 --> 00:24:16,504
that he would send my brother to
a tutor

422
00:24:16,796 --> 00:24:18,629
in Surrey, south of London.

423
00:24:18,921 --> 00:24:19,712
- That's it. Thank you.

424
00:24:20,004 --> 00:24:21,879
- [C.S. Lewis] In a
surprisingly short time,

425
00:24:22,171 --> 00:24:26,504
this tutor had so rebuilt the
ruins of Warnie's education,

426
00:24:26,796 --> 00:24:28,462
that he passed into Sandhurst

427
00:24:28,754 --> 00:24:31,212
and received a prize army
cadetship.

428
00:24:33,046 --> 00:24:36,629
For some time, my own schooling
had been going nowhere.

429
00:24:36,921 --> 00:24:40,587
It had neither engaged
my mind nor my heart,

430
00:24:40,879 --> 00:24:43,004
but seeing my brothers progress,

431
00:24:43,296 --> 00:24:45,546
I finally plucked up the courage
to ask.

432
00:24:45,837 --> 00:24:47,921
- Jack! Jack! Are you up there?

433
00:24:53,504 --> 00:24:56,296
Come on boy. Well get your coat.

434
00:24:56,587 --> 00:24:57,921
We're 10 minutes late already.

435
00:25:04,462 --> 00:25:08,546
- [Jack] Papa, you know, when
you send Warnie off to Surrey

436
00:25:08,837 --> 00:25:10,671
to your old tutor Mr.
Kirkpatrick.

437
00:25:10,962 --> 00:25:12,504
- [Father] (chuckles) Yes.

438
00:25:12,796 --> 00:25:14,379
The Great Knock we used to call
him.

439
00:25:14,671 --> 00:25:17,046
- [Jack] Warnie seemed to
benefit from him greatly.

440
00:25:17,337 --> 00:25:17,879
- [Father] He did.

441
00:25:18,171 --> 00:25:19,296
He did. He's a fine teacher.

442
00:25:23,712 --> 00:25:24,671
- I've been thinking.

443
00:25:26,879 --> 00:25:29,671
Might it not be good to
send me to Surrey too?

444
00:25:37,296 --> 00:25:38,962
- Well, there'll be no other
boys.

445
00:25:40,421 --> 00:25:42,546
You won't be able to play your
games.

446
00:25:42,837 --> 00:25:46,837
- I tried to look grave, no
other boys.

447
00:25:47,129 --> 00:25:48,712
Never to play games.

448
00:25:50,004 --> 00:25:51,962
I was transported.

449
00:25:54,629 --> 00:25:57,337
(expectant music)

450
00:26:04,004 --> 00:26:06,671
(train chuffing)

451
00:26:10,712 --> 00:26:12,004
Ah yes, this is the day

452
00:26:12,296 --> 00:26:14,587
the rest of my life
really began to happen.

453
00:26:14,879 --> 00:26:17,462
(train whistles)

454
00:26:21,712 --> 00:26:25,004
I was still in my teens when
I made my way over to England

455
00:26:25,296 --> 00:26:28,004
and down to Surrey to meet my
new tutor.

456
00:26:28,962 --> 00:26:30,754
I wasn't sure what to expect.

457
00:26:31,712 --> 00:26:34,212
At first sight he seemed decent
enough.

458
00:26:38,587 --> 00:26:40,254
- Hello, lovely to meet you.

459
00:26:40,546 --> 00:26:44,254
- William T. Kirkpatrick. The
Great Knock.

460
00:26:46,546 --> 00:26:49,129
- His grip was like iron
pincers.

461
00:26:49,421 --> 00:26:50,254
- Follow me!

462
00:26:54,587 --> 00:26:57,004
- I remember feeling the
need to make conversation

463
00:26:57,296 --> 00:26:58,171
in the deplorable manner

464
00:26:58,462 --> 00:27:00,296
I felt necessary to use with my
father.

465
00:27:01,379 --> 00:27:03,921
- I was quite surprised by
the scenery of Surrey, sir.

466
00:27:04,212 --> 00:27:05,546
It's really much wilder than I
expected.

467
00:27:05,837 --> 00:27:08,171
- Stop! What do you mean by
wildness?

468
00:27:09,129 --> 00:27:11,921
And on what grounds have
you based your expectations?

469
00:27:12,212 --> 00:27:15,504
On the flora and geology of
Surrey?

470
00:27:15,796 --> 00:27:19,171
Was it maps, photographs, books?

471
00:27:19,462 --> 00:27:20,546
- Sorry, sir.

472
00:27:20,837 --> 00:27:23,504
- As answer after answer
was torn to shreds

473
00:27:23,796 --> 00:27:26,796
Kirk concluded that my
comment was meaningless

474
00:27:27,087 --> 00:27:28,171
and that I had no right to have

475
00:27:28,462 --> 00:27:31,296
any opinion whatsoever on the
subject.

476
00:27:31,587 --> 00:27:32,837
It never occurred to me that my
thoughts

477
00:27:33,129 --> 00:27:34,796
needed to be based on anything.

478
00:27:37,254 --> 00:27:40,962
That conversation lasted three
minutes

479
00:27:41,254 --> 00:27:45,462
and set the tone for
my two years in Surrey.

480
00:27:45,754 --> 00:27:50,462
Kirk's ruthless dialectic
was the only way he spoke.

481
00:27:52,546 --> 00:27:54,921
It was an astonishment to Kirk

482
00:27:55,212 --> 00:27:58,171
that you should not want to be
corrected.

483
00:27:59,546 --> 00:28:02,087
Kirk lived with his wife in a
comfortable

484
00:28:02,379 --> 00:28:06,337
and secluded cottage on
the edge of the village.

485
00:28:06,629 --> 00:28:09,587
It was all rather wonderful.

486
00:28:09,879 --> 00:28:11,337
- Welcome! Welcome!

487
00:28:12,296 --> 00:28:14,212
Now you put your case down
there.

488
00:28:14,504 --> 00:28:18,254
- [C.S. Lewis] I felt welcomed
as soon as I stepped inside,

489
00:28:18,546 --> 00:28:22,004
the whole place was stuffed with
books.

490
00:28:22,296 --> 00:28:24,504
I had come home.

491
00:28:24,796 --> 00:28:27,504
- And this is my wife, Louisa.

492
00:28:27,796 --> 00:28:29,379
- Pleased to meet you Mrs.
Kirkpatrick.

493
00:28:29,671 --> 00:28:30,379
- Pleasure's ours entirely.

494
00:28:30,671 --> 00:28:32,004
- We'll show you up to your
room.

495
00:28:32,296 --> 00:28:32,879
- I have it all prepared.

496
00:28:33,171 --> 00:28:34,837
- You come down when you're
ready,

497
00:28:35,129 --> 00:28:37,879
and we'll start knocking that
mind of yours into shape.

498
00:28:42,921 --> 00:28:45,212
- There you are. I hope you like
it.

499
00:28:48,837 --> 00:28:51,629
Oh, and by the way, don't
worry about my husband.

500
00:28:51,921 --> 00:28:54,879
He likes to argue, a lot.

501
00:28:56,504 --> 00:28:58,921
- Most boys would have
cowered at all this.

502
00:28:59,212 --> 00:29:04,046
I loved the treat, but it
was red beef and strong beer.

503
00:29:04,337 --> 00:29:05,254
After a few knockdowns,

504
00:29:05,546 --> 00:29:08,046
I began to put on some
intellectual muscle

505
00:29:08,337 --> 00:29:12,254
and became a bit of a sparring
partner to my new tutor.

506
00:29:17,129 --> 00:29:21,171
If I could please myself, I'd
always live as I lived here.

507
00:29:21,462 --> 00:29:24,504
Breakfast at eight, at my desk
by nine

508
00:29:24,796 --> 00:29:28,629
to read and write to
precisely one, then lunch.

509
00:29:30,129 --> 00:29:31,296
- That was absolutely delicious.

510
00:29:31,587 --> 00:29:32,296
Thank you, Mrs. Kirkpatrick.

511
00:29:32,587 --> 00:29:33,504
- Fine.

512
00:29:33,796 --> 00:29:37,379
- Oh yes. I was encouraged
to eat, as well as to think.

513
00:29:43,296 --> 00:29:46,296
Off for a walk by two, not with
a friend.

514
00:29:46,587 --> 00:29:48,796
Walking and talking are
two great pleasures,

515
00:29:49,087 --> 00:29:51,337
but it is a mistake to combine
them.

516
00:29:51,629 --> 00:29:54,712
Our noise blocks out
the sounds and silences

517
00:29:55,004 --> 00:29:55,921
of the outer world.

518
00:29:58,129 --> 00:29:58,837
- Thank you.

519
00:30:01,296 --> 00:30:03,296
- My return and the arrival of
tea

520
00:30:03,587 --> 00:30:07,796
would coincide at exactly
four, taken in solitude.

521
00:30:08,087 --> 00:30:10,171
Eating and reading are two
pleasures

522
00:30:10,462 --> 00:30:12,962
that combine admirably.

523
00:30:13,254 --> 00:30:15,837
Work till seven, deep into the
classics,

524
00:30:16,129 --> 00:30:17,712
not sparing the horses.

525
00:30:25,837 --> 00:30:27,962
Good talk all evening, all
challenging,

526
00:30:28,254 --> 00:30:29,879
brain-rattling stuff.

527
00:30:30,171 --> 00:30:32,212
In bed by 11, unless
you're making a night of it

528
00:30:32,504 --> 00:30:34,379
at the pub with your cronies.

529
00:30:35,837 --> 00:30:39,462
- Passable. You're still a
little shaky on accuracy.

530
00:30:39,754 --> 00:30:41,587
And I fear you've missed my
point

531
00:30:41,879 --> 00:30:44,129
about the classics entirely.

532
00:30:45,296 --> 00:30:48,879
He that neither knoweth nor will
be taught

533
00:30:49,171 --> 00:30:51,629
by the instruction of the wise,

534
00:30:52,962 --> 00:30:55,712
this man is not Herodotus.

535
00:30:58,671 --> 00:30:59,962
He knew a thing or two.

536
00:31:02,254 --> 00:31:03,546
- That's not Herodotus.

537
00:31:05,004 --> 00:31:06,671
It's Hesiod.

538
00:31:06,962 --> 00:31:07,921
- Prove it.

539
00:31:08,212 --> 00:31:10,754
- It's from his poem "Days in
work."

540
00:31:11,046 --> 00:31:11,921
I have it somewhere.

541
00:31:15,087 --> 00:31:15,921
Here.

542
00:31:16,212 --> 00:31:18,421
- Good lad! (laughs)

543
00:31:21,504 --> 00:31:23,921
- My work was mostly Latin and
Greek.

544
00:31:25,254 --> 00:31:30,171
Homer first. Oh still relish
the brightness and music of it.

545
00:31:30,462 --> 00:31:33,004
Then the two great bores,

546
00:31:34,337 --> 00:31:38,046
Cicero and Demosthenes
could not be avoided.

547
00:31:38,337 --> 00:31:42,421
Followed by Lucretius. Oh, the
glory!

548
00:31:42,712 --> 00:31:45,212
Herodotus, Aeschylus, Euripides.

549
00:31:46,546 --> 00:31:47,837
Had no taste for Virgil.

550
00:31:48,879 --> 00:31:51,962
In the evening we mastered
French, Italian and German

551
00:31:52,254 --> 00:31:55,087
plunging into the likes of
Voltaire, Faust in the inferno.

552
00:31:57,379 --> 00:32:01,462
(sighs) Kirk was my great
teacher.

553
00:32:01,754 --> 00:32:04,296
My debt remains to this day.

554
00:32:05,504 --> 00:32:08,421
As for religion, he was
a Presbyterian atheist.

555
00:32:08,712 --> 00:32:10,921
On Sundays, he gardened in nicer
clothes.

556
00:32:12,879 --> 00:32:15,462
(pensive music)

557
00:32:15,754 --> 00:32:19,421
Among the poets I was reading at
the time,

558
00:32:20,379 --> 00:32:24,962
one stood apart, William Butler
Yeats.

559
00:32:25,962 --> 00:32:28,004
He believed that there was a
world

560
00:32:28,296 --> 00:32:29,462
beyond the material curtain

561
00:32:29,754 --> 00:32:33,129
and that contact with
that world was possible.

562
00:32:33,421 --> 00:32:37,587
Oh, I regarded Yeats as a
learned responsible writer.

563
00:32:37,879 --> 00:32:40,962
Later when I met him, I
was awed by his personality

564
00:32:41,254 --> 00:32:42,629
and he rejected the whole

565
00:32:42,921 --> 00:32:46,129
materialist philosophy out of
hand.

566
00:32:46,421 --> 00:32:50,004
If Yeats had been a Christian,
I would have discounted him.

567
00:32:50,296 --> 00:32:54,379
I had Christians placed,
disposed of for ever.

568
00:32:55,837 --> 00:32:59,712
Yeats offered something else, a
perhaps.

569
00:33:00,004 --> 00:33:01,379
And through this perhaps,

570
00:33:01,671 --> 00:33:05,087
a drop of disturbing doubt
fell into my materialism

571
00:33:05,379 --> 00:33:06,546
and introduced me to something

572
00:33:06,837 --> 00:33:08,629
I've had trouble with ever
since,

573
00:33:08,921 --> 00:33:11,754
a ravenous desire for the
supernatural.

574
00:33:12,046 --> 00:33:15,379
Or to put it bluntly, the
occult.

575
00:33:16,379 --> 00:33:18,796
(eerie music)

576
00:33:26,129 --> 00:33:29,046
I once tried to describe it in a
novel.

577
00:33:29,337 --> 00:33:33,796
It's a spiritual lust and
like the lust of the flesh

578
00:33:34,087 --> 00:33:36,296
has the fatal power of
making everything else

579
00:33:36,587 --> 00:33:38,504
seem uninteresting while it
lasts.

580
00:33:39,962 --> 00:33:41,796
Oh I loved the vagueness of it.

581
00:33:42,087 --> 00:33:46,921
Circles, pentangles,
Ouija boards, seances,

582
00:33:47,754 --> 00:33:51,087
all seemed able to raise a
spirit.

583
00:33:51,379 --> 00:33:52,962
Oh, this magic!

584
00:33:53,254 --> 00:33:57,462
No connection of my atheism
swayed me in different moods.

585
00:33:57,754 --> 00:34:01,546
And that it was scorned by both
Christians and rationalists

586
00:34:01,837 --> 00:34:04,671
appealed to the rebel in me.

587
00:34:04,962 --> 00:34:09,796
My descent was from
eccentricity to perversity.

588
00:34:11,546 --> 00:34:13,962
The world and the flesh
had made their appearance.

589
00:34:14,921 --> 00:34:17,587
Now came the devil.

590
00:34:20,171 --> 00:34:21,712
Had there been an elder
in the neighborhood

591
00:34:22,004 --> 00:34:24,171
who dabbled in dirt,

592
00:34:24,462 --> 00:34:28,087
oh they have a nose for
potential disciples,

593
00:34:28,379 --> 00:34:32,837
I might now be a Satanist or a
maniac.

594
00:34:35,171 --> 00:34:39,754
Then, in the super abundance of
mercy,

595
00:34:41,421 --> 00:34:43,629
came that event which I have
attempted

596
00:34:43,921 --> 00:34:46,462
to describe in many of my books.

597
00:34:52,337 --> 00:34:54,504
I was in the habit of walking a
few miles

598
00:34:54,796 --> 00:34:58,712
to Leatherhead Station and
taking the train back to Kirk's.

599
00:35:04,421 --> 00:35:06,712
While waiting for the train I
rummaged in

600
00:35:07,004 --> 00:35:09,754
the second hand bookstore and
picked out

601
00:35:10,046 --> 00:35:14,879
an unusual title, "Phantastes"
by George MacDonald.

602
00:35:17,004 --> 00:35:19,129
It looked a little unusual.

603
00:35:20,462 --> 00:35:25,171
I hadn't the faintest notion
of what I'd let myself in for.

604
00:35:26,754 --> 00:35:27,504
- This one please.

605
00:35:27,796 --> 00:35:29,671
- A tuppence, please sir.

606
00:35:31,587 --> 00:35:35,046
Thank you very much sir.
(conductors whistle blows)

607
00:35:35,337 --> 00:35:40,171
- Sorry.
(man grumbles indistinctly)

608
00:35:55,421 --> 00:35:58,837
- As I began to read my new
book, I was electrified.

609
00:35:59,129 --> 00:36:01,962
I felt like a miner who had
struck gold.

610
00:36:02,254 --> 00:36:04,962
In those pages I met
all that had charmed me

611
00:36:05,254 --> 00:36:07,337
in Yeats and others.

612
00:36:07,629 --> 00:36:09,212
Yet, everything was changed.

613
00:36:09,504 --> 00:36:11,712
The bright shadow coming out of
this book,

614
00:36:12,004 --> 00:36:13,712
transformed everything

615
00:36:14,004 --> 00:36:16,921
and it would affect my
own writing forever.

616
00:36:18,921 --> 00:36:21,212
It was as if I had died in the
old country

617
00:36:21,504 --> 00:36:23,087
and come alive in the new,

618
00:36:23,379 --> 00:36:28,087
all my occult and erotic
fantasies began to feel sordid.

619
00:36:28,379 --> 00:36:33,212
Disarmed, what I really
wanted was just out of reach.

620
00:36:33,504 --> 00:36:35,879
Not because of something I could
not do,

621
00:36:36,171 --> 00:36:39,712
but because of something
I could not stop doing.

622
00:36:40,004 --> 00:36:44,504
Oh, if I could only let go,
unmake myself.

623
00:36:46,462 --> 00:36:49,379
I did not know the name
of this new quality.

624
00:36:50,837 --> 00:36:53,712
Oh I do now. Holiness.

625
00:36:55,212 --> 00:36:57,879
That night as I read
"Phantastes"

626
00:36:58,171 --> 00:37:01,462
my imagination was baptized.

627
00:37:04,921 --> 00:37:06,879
The rest of me took a little
longer.

628
00:37:10,171 --> 00:37:13,254
(gentle music)

629
00:37:13,546 --> 00:37:15,754
I first met it as a memory
that would arise suddenly

630
00:37:16,046 --> 00:37:20,379
without warning from the depth
of not years, but centuries.

631
00:37:23,129 --> 00:37:25,796
The memory was from childhood

632
00:37:26,087 --> 00:37:29,296
when my brother brought
the lid of a biscuit tin

633
00:37:29,587 --> 00:37:33,796
garnished with twigs and
flowers to make a toy garden.

634
00:37:34,087 --> 00:37:37,796
It was the first beauty I had
ever known,

635
00:37:38,754 --> 00:37:41,046
a sensation of desire.

636
00:37:42,212 --> 00:37:45,671
But before I knew what I
desired, the desire was gone,

637
00:37:45,962 --> 00:37:48,796
withdrawn, the world turned
common again.

638
00:37:51,504 --> 00:37:56,004
Since then my constant
endeavor was to get it again,

639
00:37:56,296 --> 00:37:59,379
in reading every book,
going on every walk,

640
00:38:00,296 --> 00:38:03,921
listening to every piece of
music.

641
00:38:04,212 --> 00:38:07,587
Occasionally the sky would turn.

642
00:38:07,879 --> 00:38:12,712
Far more often, I frightened
it away by my greed to have it.

643
00:38:19,671 --> 00:38:21,587
I call this desire, joy,

644
00:38:22,921 --> 00:38:24,671
which must be distinguished very
sharply

645
00:38:24,962 --> 00:38:26,212
from happiness or pleasure,

646
00:38:26,504 --> 00:38:29,962
except that anyone who
has ever experienced joy

647
00:38:30,254 --> 00:38:32,087
will want it again.

648
00:38:32,379 --> 00:38:33,962
Apart from that, it might be
called

649
00:38:34,254 --> 00:38:37,421
a particular kind of grief,

650
00:38:39,171 --> 00:38:40,629
but then it's the kind we want.

651
00:38:40,921 --> 00:38:44,754
It is the scent of a
flower we have not found,

652
00:38:46,337 --> 00:38:49,754
the echo of a tune we've not
heard.

653
00:38:51,546 --> 00:38:55,754
News from a country we
have not yet visited.

654
00:38:57,087 --> 00:39:00,337
Oh, I doubt that anyone
who has ever tasted joy

655
00:39:01,921 --> 00:39:05,504
would exchange it for all
the pleasures in the world.

656
00:39:07,712 --> 00:39:12,212
But joy is never in our
path. And pleasure is.

657
00:39:20,212 --> 00:39:23,129
At 18, I arrived at Oxford,

658
00:39:23,421 --> 00:39:26,796
the fabled cluster of
towers and dreaming spires

659
00:39:27,087 --> 00:39:29,421
had never looked more beautiful.

660
00:39:30,754 --> 00:39:34,421
Less than a term later,
like most of my generation,

661
00:39:35,379 --> 00:39:36,671
I enlisted in the army,

662
00:39:36,962 --> 00:39:38,879
was sent to the front lines in
France,

663
00:39:39,879 --> 00:39:42,629
on my 19th birthday to be exact.

664
00:39:45,462 --> 00:39:49,421
First bullet I heard brought not
fear,

665
00:39:49,712 --> 00:39:53,671
but the thought, this is war.

666
00:39:53,962 --> 00:39:56,046
This is what Homer wrote about.

667
00:39:57,337 --> 00:40:00,921
Five months later, I was
wounded and sent home.

668
00:40:02,004 --> 00:40:03,462
In between, I had the good luck

669
00:40:03,754 --> 00:40:05,337
to fall sick with trench fever.

670
00:40:07,046 --> 00:40:09,212
(gentle music)

671
00:40:09,504 --> 00:40:10,962
Compared to the trenches,

672
00:40:11,254 --> 00:40:14,462
a hospital bed and a
book were heaven itself.

673
00:40:17,379 --> 00:40:19,171
- And how are you
tonight Lieutenant Lewis?

674
00:40:19,462 --> 00:40:20,837
- Fine. Thank you nurse.

675
00:40:22,046 --> 00:40:25,046
- Well Stanley. Time for
your inspection, I think.

676
00:40:25,337 --> 00:40:25,837
- Yes nurse.

677
00:40:26,129 --> 00:40:27,546
- Except that the night nurse

678
00:40:27,837 --> 00:40:31,337
was conducting a furious
affair with my roommate.

679
00:40:31,629 --> 00:40:34,046
I was too sick to be
embarrassed,

680
00:40:34,337 --> 00:40:38,337
but the sound of two lovers
whispering in the nighttime

681
00:40:39,421 --> 00:40:41,587
is a tedious noise.

682
00:40:44,671 --> 00:40:48,462
It was here I first read G.K
Chesterton. Never heard of him.

683
00:40:48,754 --> 00:40:50,254
Had no idea what he stood for,

684
00:40:50,546 --> 00:40:53,504
nor could I understand why it
made such a conquest of me.

685
00:40:53,796 --> 00:40:55,504
His humor was the kind I like.

686
00:40:55,796 --> 00:40:59,254
No, not jokes, still
less a tone of flippancy.

687
00:40:59,546 --> 00:41:01,629
Oh that I cannot endure.

688
00:41:02,712 --> 00:41:07,587
Rather his humor was the
bloom of his argument.

689
00:41:07,879 --> 00:41:10,504
Strange as it seems I
liked him for his goodness.

690
00:41:10,796 --> 00:41:14,837
Oh not that it had anything
to do with being good myself.

691
00:41:15,129 --> 00:41:18,962
I did not have the cynics nose
for hypocrisy and smugness

692
00:41:19,254 --> 00:41:21,587
so common among my peers.

693
00:41:21,879 --> 00:41:24,462
(nurse giggling)

694
00:41:29,004 --> 00:41:31,671
In Chesterton, as in
MacDonald, I did not know

695
00:41:31,962 --> 00:41:33,671
what I was letting myself in
for.

696
00:41:34,629 --> 00:41:37,671
A young man who wishes
to remain a sound atheist

697
00:41:37,962 --> 00:41:39,754
cannot be too careful of his
reading.

698
00:41:43,337 --> 00:41:47,379
After my convalescence, I
returned to the front lines.

699
00:42:06,879 --> 00:42:07,629
- Wait.

700
00:42:16,296 --> 00:42:17,171
- Turn off the light!
(gunshots blasting)

701
00:42:17,462 --> 00:42:19,796
(men yelling)

702
00:42:22,421 --> 00:42:25,421
(explosions booming)

703
00:42:31,296 --> 00:42:35,712
The moment I was hit and
found that I was not breathing

704
00:42:36,004 --> 00:42:38,087
I concluded this is death.

705
00:42:39,546 --> 00:42:43,587
I felt no fear, no
courage, just the thought,

706
00:42:44,754 --> 00:42:47,837
here lies a man who died.

707
00:42:49,129 --> 00:42:51,129
It wasn't even interesting.

708
00:42:51,421 --> 00:42:52,629
The fruit of this experience

709
00:42:52,921 --> 00:42:55,629
is there appeared a fully
conscious I,

710
00:42:55,921 --> 00:42:59,462
whose connection with
me was coming to an end.

711
00:42:59,754 --> 00:43:04,129
And I, whoever that may be,
cared not two farthings.

712
00:43:05,212 --> 00:43:07,129
Oh, it was more than an
abstraction.

713
00:43:08,962 --> 00:43:09,712
I tasted it.

714
00:43:10,004 --> 00:43:12,379
(somber music)

715
00:43:17,212 --> 00:43:21,337
As for the rest of the war,
the cold, the fear, the fright.

716
00:43:23,337 --> 00:43:24,587
The corpses.

717
00:43:26,962 --> 00:43:30,337
It was a ghastly interruption
to rational life.

718
00:43:32,754 --> 00:43:35,671
Now it feels like it
happened to someone else.

719
00:43:38,629 --> 00:43:40,796
Except for the recurring
nightmares.

720
00:43:48,254 --> 00:43:51,004
(expectant music)

721
00:43:51,296 --> 00:43:55,504
When I returned to Oxford,
I put on a new look,

722
00:43:55,796 --> 00:43:58,629
which meant to act with
the greatest good sense,

723
00:43:58,921 --> 00:44:02,921
and to have no more flirtations
with the supernatural.

724
00:44:06,504 --> 00:44:09,546
Directly after the war,
I spent a fortnight

725
00:44:09,837 --> 00:44:13,171
with a man I'd dearly
loved, who was going mad.

726
00:44:13,462 --> 00:44:16,212
I held him as he wallowed on the
floor

727
00:44:16,504 --> 00:44:20,337
and screamed "Devils are tearing
me apart.

728
00:44:20,629 --> 00:44:23,337
I'm falling into hell."

729
00:44:23,629 --> 00:44:25,087
I knew this man had flirted

730
00:44:25,379 --> 00:44:28,421
with all sorts of occult ideas
as I had.

731
00:44:28,712 --> 00:44:31,046
Oh, perhaps there was no
connection,

732
00:44:31,337 --> 00:44:35,087
but I took it as a warning
to stay on the beaten track,

733
00:44:35,379 --> 00:44:40,212
the approved material center
of the road with the lights on.

734
00:44:44,671 --> 00:44:47,212
The early days of my new
look were quite happy,

735
00:44:47,504 --> 00:44:51,337
busy engaged in my studies
of classics, philosophy.

736
00:44:51,629 --> 00:44:53,421
At that time we were all swept
up by Freud

737
00:44:53,712 --> 00:44:56,087
and his new psychology.

738
00:44:56,379 --> 00:45:01,087
By my mid 20s, I was elected
a fellow at Magdalen College,

739
00:45:01,379 --> 00:45:03,629
hence my career as a
scholar and tutor began.

740
00:45:05,087 --> 00:45:05,754
- After you dear boy.

741
00:45:06,046 --> 00:45:08,004
- The answer of course,
is that (indistinct).

742
00:45:08,296 --> 00:45:10,379
- They even provided rooms for
me here,

743
00:45:10,671 --> 00:45:13,504
to read, to write for my
tutorials.

744
00:45:15,212 --> 00:45:16,254
I had arrived.

745
00:45:19,046 --> 00:45:20,254
I felt like I'd found a home

746
00:45:20,546 --> 00:45:23,087
with some of the finest
scholars I would ever meet.

747
00:45:23,379 --> 00:45:26,879
We were young, clear-headed,
invincible.

748
00:45:28,087 --> 00:45:31,754
Then one day, my very dear
friend, Owen Barfield,

749
00:45:32,046 --> 00:45:35,504
who satisfied my hunger for
debate and rational opposition

750
00:45:35,796 --> 00:45:38,754
announced that he had changed
his views.

751
00:45:40,254 --> 00:45:45,171
He was no longer a materialist
and had become a theist.

752
00:45:45,462 --> 00:45:47,671
I was shocked. I thought
Barfield was safe.

753
00:45:47,962 --> 00:45:50,046
He came from such a
free-thinking family.

754
00:45:50,337 --> 00:45:52,754
He'd barely even heard of
Christianity.

755
00:45:53,046 --> 00:45:55,296
Barfield bought up all the
abominations:

756
00:45:55,587 --> 00:45:58,254
God, spirit, afterlife.

757
00:45:58,546 --> 00:46:01,879
I said, "Dammit Owen, it's
medieval."

758
00:46:02,171 --> 00:46:04,504
- [Jack] Dammit Owen, it's
medieval.

759
00:46:06,587 --> 00:46:08,171
- [Owen] You may say that
Jack, but the medieval world

760
00:46:08,462 --> 00:46:09,504
has a lot to teach us.

761
00:46:10,462 --> 00:46:12,879
- [Jack] You mean that the world
is flat.

762
00:46:13,171 --> 00:46:15,879
- Oh come on Jack, be
serious. Open your mind.

763
00:46:17,462 --> 00:46:18,671
- [Jack] I have.

764
00:46:18,962 --> 00:46:22,462
And as a wise man once said to
me, he that neither knoweth-

765
00:46:22,754 --> 00:46:24,837
- This started our great war,

766
00:46:25,129 --> 00:46:27,837
our philosophic disputation
that lasted for years.

767
00:46:29,254 --> 00:46:31,212
I remember Barfield asking:

768
00:46:31,504 --> 00:46:34,796
- Jack, do you believe
that logic and reason

769
00:46:35,087 --> 00:46:36,462
bring forth indisputable truth?

770
00:46:36,754 --> 00:46:37,796
- [Jack] I do.

771
00:46:38,087 --> 00:46:39,087
- And are your moral
and aesthetic judgments

772
00:46:39,379 --> 00:46:40,337
valid and meaningful?

773
00:46:40,629 --> 00:46:41,796
- They are.

774
00:46:42,087 --> 00:46:44,462
- Well then materialism must be
abandoned.

775
00:46:44,754 --> 00:46:46,546
There is a hopeless discord
between what our minds

776
00:46:46,837 --> 00:46:49,046
claim to be and what they really
must be

777
00:46:49,337 --> 00:46:50,712
if materialism is true.

778
00:46:51,671 --> 00:46:55,087
We claim our minds to be
reason-perceiving

779
00:46:55,379 --> 00:46:57,212
universal intellectual
principles, moral laws,

780
00:46:57,504 --> 00:46:59,087
and possessing free will.

781
00:46:59,379 --> 00:47:02,462
But if materialism is true,
our minds must in reality,

782
00:47:02,754 --> 00:47:05,504
be merely chance arrangements
of atoms in skulls.

783
00:47:05,796 --> 00:47:07,004
- I of course, argued back.

784
00:47:07,296 --> 00:47:09,754
- We are to accept reality
as it is revealed to us

785
00:47:10,046 --> 00:47:13,754
by our senses and the findings
of science have concluded

786
00:47:14,046 --> 00:47:16,087
that human reason is merely
cognitive maps

787
00:47:16,379 --> 00:47:17,587
resulting from natural
selection,

788
00:47:17,879 --> 00:47:21,129
with random mutations
over millions of years

789
00:47:21,421 --> 00:47:23,379
to confer on humans a
reproductive advantage

790
00:47:23,671 --> 00:47:24,754
over other species.

791
00:47:26,337 --> 00:47:27,879
- I had to say something.

792
00:47:28,171 --> 00:47:31,254
I'd been defending materialism
for years.

793
00:47:31,546 --> 00:47:32,254
- Look.

794
00:47:33,712 --> 00:47:35,629
If my clearest reasoning tells
me

795
00:47:35,921 --> 00:47:38,587
that my mind is nothing more
than the accidental result

796
00:47:38,879 --> 00:47:42,879
of atoms colliding in skulls,
there must be some mistake.

797
00:47:43,171 --> 00:47:45,504
How should I trust my
mind when it tells me

798
00:47:45,796 --> 00:47:48,796
that my most profound thoughts
are merely mental patterns

799
00:47:49,087 --> 00:47:50,921
resulting from heredity and
physics?

800
00:47:54,254 --> 00:47:57,671
- Barfield's notion that
if materialism is true

801
00:47:57,962 --> 00:48:00,296
my conscious mind is nothing
more

802
00:48:00,587 --> 00:48:03,004
than atoms colliding in skulls.

803
00:48:05,629 --> 00:48:07,671
This was simply unbelievable to
me.

804
00:48:07,962 --> 00:48:10,754
I could not force my
thought into that shape

805
00:48:11,046 --> 00:48:14,171
any more than I could scratch
my ear with my big toe.

806
00:48:14,462 --> 00:48:17,796
It was as final as a
physical impossibility.

807
00:48:18,087 --> 00:48:21,671
Mind, reason, imagination,
consciousness

808
00:48:21,962 --> 00:48:24,171
must be more than mere
biochemistry.

809
00:48:24,462 --> 00:48:27,462
It must be a real participation.

810
00:48:27,754 --> 00:48:31,171
Something further up, further
in.

811
00:48:32,254 --> 00:48:37,171
Rock-bottom reality had to be
intelligent.

812
00:48:39,421 --> 00:48:40,337
(pensive music)

813
00:48:40,629 --> 00:48:43,087
It's astonishing I've
not seen this before.

814
00:48:43,379 --> 00:48:45,337
Willful blindness, I suppose.

815
00:48:45,629 --> 00:48:49,421
And I was careful not to attach
rock-bottom reality to God,

816
00:48:49,712 --> 00:48:53,171
my skepticism would not
allow me to go that far.

817
00:48:53,462 --> 00:48:56,296
Rather I attached it
to the universe itself.

818
00:48:58,796 --> 00:49:01,171
Still it had immense potency.

819
00:49:01,462 --> 00:49:05,171
Behind the material curtain
lay the hidden glory.

820
00:49:05,462 --> 00:49:08,921
Barfield and I began to talk
religiously about an absolute.

821
00:49:10,337 --> 00:49:12,254
Of course, this was a
religion that cost nothing.

822
00:49:12,546 --> 00:49:14,379
It wasn't personal.

823
00:49:14,671 --> 00:49:15,712
It wouldn't do anything.

824
00:49:16,004 --> 00:49:18,504
It wouldn't lead to dark
places where men scream

825
00:49:18,796 --> 00:49:20,254
they're being dragged into hell.

826
00:49:21,337 --> 00:49:22,754
It was there.

827
00:49:23,046 --> 00:49:26,629
Never come here. Make
a nuisance of itself.

828
00:49:30,837 --> 00:49:34,504
Within the faculty, I
befriended Hugo Dyson

829
00:49:34,796 --> 00:49:38,879
and J.R.R. Tolkien, both
Christians.

830
00:49:40,337 --> 00:49:43,254
Oh these queer people were
popping up on every side.

831
00:49:43,546 --> 00:49:45,254
There was a wider disturbance.

832
00:49:45,546 --> 00:49:47,546
All my books were turning
against me.

833
00:49:47,837 --> 00:49:49,296
I must've been as blind as a
bat,

834
00:49:49,587 --> 00:49:50,921
not to have seen this before.

835
00:49:51,212 --> 00:49:54,046
George McDonald had done more
to me than any other writer.

836
00:49:54,337 --> 00:49:57,546
Of course he had that bee in
his bonnet about Christianity.

837
00:49:57,837 --> 00:49:59,671
He was good in spite of it.

838
00:49:59,962 --> 00:50:02,879
Spenser, Dante, Milton had it
too.

839
00:50:03,171 --> 00:50:05,671
I thought Chesterton the
most sensible man alive,

840
00:50:05,962 --> 00:50:07,921
apart from his Christianity.

841
00:50:08,212 --> 00:50:09,796
I was beginning to think that
Christianity

842
00:50:10,087 --> 00:50:13,296
was quite sensible apart
from its Christianity.

843
00:50:13,587 --> 00:50:17,046
On the other hand, those writers
who did not suffer religion

844
00:50:17,337 --> 00:50:19,921
and with whom my sympathies
ought to have been complete:

845
00:50:20,212 --> 00:50:24,921
Shaw, Wells, Gibbon,
Voltaire, seemed thin, tinny.

846
00:50:25,212 --> 00:50:27,796
Oh, they were all entertaining,
especially Gibbon,

847
00:50:28,087 --> 00:50:29,046
but hardly more.

848
00:50:29,337 --> 00:50:31,087
The roughness and density of
life

849
00:50:31,379 --> 00:50:33,462
did not appear in their books.

850
00:50:34,671 --> 00:50:37,587
I concluded that those with
untrained philosophic minds

851
00:50:37,879 --> 00:50:39,837
could come near the notion
of an absolute being

852
00:50:40,129 --> 00:50:41,837
by believing in a God.

853
00:50:42,129 --> 00:50:44,087
And I distinguished my belief
very sharply

854
00:50:44,379 --> 00:50:45,921
from the God of popular
religion.

855
00:50:46,212 --> 00:50:47,962
Oh there was no possibility of
being

856
00:50:48,254 --> 00:50:49,837
in a personal relation with him.

857
00:50:50,129 --> 00:50:53,837
I could no more meet him than
Hamlet could meet Shakespeare.

858
00:50:54,129 --> 00:50:55,962
And I did not call him God,
either.

859
00:50:56,254 --> 00:50:57,712
I called him Spirit.

860
00:50:58,004 --> 00:51:00,712
One must fight for one's
remaining comforts.

861
00:51:03,046 --> 00:51:05,296
About this time one of my fellow
tutors,

862
00:51:05,587 --> 00:51:07,587
the hardest boiled atheist I'd
ever known,

863
00:51:07,879 --> 00:51:10,879
sat in my rooms other side
of the fireplace and remarked

864
00:51:11,171 --> 00:51:14,837
"The evidence for the
historicity of the gospels,

865
00:51:15,129 --> 00:51:16,462
surprisingly good.

866
00:51:16,754 --> 00:51:19,879
Rum thing, all that mythology
about the dying god.

867
00:51:20,171 --> 00:51:23,629
Rum thing, looks as if
it really happened once."

868
00:51:24,587 --> 00:51:25,379
I was shattered.

869
00:51:26,337 --> 00:51:28,254
If he the cynic of
cynics, who's never since

870
00:51:28,546 --> 00:51:30,212
shown any interest in
Christianity

871
00:51:30,504 --> 00:51:33,129
were not as I still would
have thought him, safe,

872
00:51:33,421 --> 00:51:35,087
where can I turn?

873
00:51:39,921 --> 00:51:41,379
Before God closed in on me

874
00:51:42,587 --> 00:51:45,337
I was in fact offered a
moment of free choice.

875
00:51:45,629 --> 00:51:47,837
I was sitting on a bus
going up Headington Hills

876
00:51:48,129 --> 00:51:49,504
thinking I was wearing a suit of
armor,

877
00:51:49,796 --> 00:51:51,754
trying to keep something out.

878
00:51:52,046 --> 00:51:55,087
I could unbuckle the armor or,
keep it on.

879
00:51:56,087 --> 00:51:57,504
The choice felt momentous.

880
00:51:59,587 --> 00:52:00,546
I chose to unbuckle.

881
00:52:02,004 --> 00:52:04,421
Did not seem impossible
to do the opposite.

882
00:52:04,712 --> 00:52:06,629
The initiative did not lie with
me.

883
00:52:09,837 --> 00:52:11,546
If Hamlet and Shakespeare could
ever meet,

884
00:52:11,837 --> 00:52:13,504
it would have to be
Shakespeare's doing,

885
00:52:13,796 --> 00:52:16,254
he could write himself into the
play.

886
00:52:20,504 --> 00:52:23,254
What I called Spirit began to
show

887
00:52:23,546 --> 00:52:26,171
an alarming tendency to become
personal.

888
00:52:26,462 --> 00:52:29,171
Into my mind, crept a horrible
novelty.

889
00:52:29,462 --> 00:52:30,879
I really believed something.

890
00:52:31,171 --> 00:52:32,921
And now that I had blundered
into that

891
00:52:33,212 --> 00:52:35,796
I knew I could play at
philosophy no longer.

892
00:52:36,087 --> 00:52:38,337
It was time something should be
done.

893
00:52:38,629 --> 00:52:41,087
The absolute had arrived.

894
00:52:41,379 --> 00:52:43,962
Making a nuisance of
itself, issuing a command.

895
00:52:44,254 --> 00:52:46,921
All my acts and desires
were to be brought in line

896
00:52:47,212 --> 00:52:49,921
with this absolute spirit
that I now believed.

897
00:52:54,004 --> 00:52:56,546
For the first time I examined
myself

898
00:52:56,837 --> 00:52:59,046
with a serious practical
purpose.

899
00:53:00,379 --> 00:53:03,212
What I found appalled me.

900
00:53:04,796 --> 00:53:08,421
Depth after depth of
pride, self admiration,

901
00:53:08,712 --> 00:53:11,587
a zoo of lusts, a bedlam of
ambitions,

902
00:53:11,879 --> 00:53:15,962
a nursery of fears, a
harem of fondled hatred.

903
00:53:16,254 --> 00:53:17,837
Oh, my name is legion.

904
00:53:19,712 --> 00:53:23,337
Amiable agnostics talk
cheerfully
of man's search for God,

905
00:53:23,629 --> 00:53:26,212
may as well talk of the
mouse's search for the cat.

906
00:53:26,504 --> 00:53:28,462
All I ever wanted was
not be interfered with,

907
00:53:28,754 --> 00:53:30,879
to call my soul my own.

908
00:53:31,171 --> 00:53:34,254
Keep out, private. This is my
business.

909
00:53:34,546 --> 00:53:38,004
But no one talked glibly of
the comforts of religion.

910
00:53:38,296 --> 00:53:41,462
Is it a small thing to give
yourself blindly to a guide

911
00:53:41,754 --> 00:53:43,087
when his own showing may very
well

912
00:53:43,379 --> 00:53:45,837
be leading you to
poverty, ridicule, death?

913
00:53:46,129 --> 00:53:48,129
Oh, I knew I would not allow
myself

914
00:53:48,421 --> 00:53:50,504
to do anything intolerably
painful.

915
00:53:50,796 --> 00:53:51,962
I would be reasonable.

916
00:53:52,254 --> 00:53:54,212
Would it be reasonable?

917
00:53:56,587 --> 00:53:57,879
No assurance was offered.

918
00:53:59,087 --> 00:54:00,171
It was all or nothing.

919
00:54:02,379 --> 00:54:05,671
As the dry bones shook in
Ezekiel's dreadful valley,

920
00:54:07,129 --> 00:54:10,296
the absolute spirit
began to stir and heave

921
00:54:10,587 --> 00:54:12,504
and throw off its grave clothes.

922
00:54:13,712 --> 00:54:18,171
He said, "I am the Lord.

923
00:54:20,129 --> 00:54:21,296
I am that I am.

924
00:54:23,712 --> 00:54:24,421
I am."

925
00:54:27,879 --> 00:54:30,504
(pensive music)

926
00:54:33,837 --> 00:54:36,296
You must picture me alone
in my room at Magdalen,

927
00:54:38,629 --> 00:54:41,712
night after night, feeling
whenever my mind lifted,

928
00:54:42,004 --> 00:54:43,962
even for a second, from my work,

929
00:54:44,254 --> 00:54:47,962
the steady unrelenting approach
of him

930
00:54:48,254 --> 00:54:51,337
whom I so earnestly desired not
to meet.

931
00:54:55,504 --> 00:54:59,212
That which I greatly feared
had at last come found me.

932
00:55:03,046 --> 00:55:07,962
In the Trinity term, 1929, I
gave in.

933
00:55:11,046 --> 00:55:13,462
And admitted that God is God.

934
00:55:13,754 --> 00:55:16,212
Knelt and prayed perhaps that
night,

935
00:55:16,504 --> 00:55:21,046
the most dejected, reluctant
convert in all England.

936
00:55:31,087 --> 00:55:32,754
I did not then see the divine
love

937
00:55:33,046 --> 00:55:35,337
that would accept a
prodigal on such terms.

938
00:55:36,462 --> 00:55:38,129
Kicking, struggling, resentful,

939
00:55:38,421 --> 00:55:40,004
darting his eyes in every
direction,

940
00:55:40,296 --> 00:55:42,254
looking for a chance to escape.

941
00:55:43,962 --> 00:55:46,837
The hardness of God is kinder
than the softness of man.

942
00:55:49,421 --> 00:55:52,462
His compulsion is my liberation.

943
00:55:57,837 --> 00:56:00,462
(bells tolling)

944
00:56:10,587 --> 00:56:13,171
You must understand that the
conversion I just described

945
00:56:13,462 --> 00:56:16,671
was only to theism, pure and
simple, not Christianity.

946
00:56:16,962 --> 00:56:18,671
I knew nothing of the
incarnation,

947
00:56:18,962 --> 00:56:21,296
the God to whom I
surrendered was not human.

948
00:56:21,587 --> 00:56:23,629
I had no belief in an after
life.

949
00:56:23,921 --> 00:56:25,254
That to me, felt like a bribe.

950
00:56:27,379 --> 00:56:29,129
My argument against God
was that the universe

951
00:56:29,421 --> 00:56:30,796
was so cruel and unjust,

952
00:56:31,087 --> 00:56:34,129
but where had I got this
notion of cruel and unjust?

953
00:56:34,421 --> 00:56:35,171
I call a line crooked

954
00:56:35,462 --> 00:56:37,421
because I have some
idea of a straight line.

955
00:56:37,712 --> 00:56:39,504
What was I comparing the
universe with,

956
00:56:39,796 --> 00:56:41,921
when I called it cruel and
unjust.

957
00:56:42,212 --> 00:56:44,421
If the whole universe has no
meaning,

958
00:56:44,712 --> 00:56:47,671
I should never have
known it has no meaning.

959
00:56:47,962 --> 00:56:49,962
All of my reasonable mind was
convinced

960
00:56:50,254 --> 00:56:52,212
that the universe cannot explain
itself,

961
00:56:52,504 --> 00:56:53,712
that God is behind the universe,

962
00:56:54,004 --> 00:56:54,921
that he has purposes.

963
00:56:55,212 --> 00:56:58,337
And is to be obeyed
simply because he is God.

964
00:56:58,629 --> 00:57:00,962
I suppose my religion was
like that of the Jews.

965
00:57:05,921 --> 00:57:07,921
As soon as I became a theist,

966
00:57:08,212 --> 00:57:10,546
I started attending my
parish church on Sunday.

967
00:57:10,837 --> 00:57:12,212
College chapel during the week.

968
00:57:12,504 --> 00:57:14,337
Not because I believed in
Christianity,

969
00:57:14,629 --> 00:57:18,171
but because I thought one
should fly one's flag.

970
00:57:18,462 --> 00:57:22,296
(congregation singing drearily)

971
00:57:25,921 --> 00:57:27,796
Church was an unattractive
affair.

972
00:57:30,587 --> 00:57:33,504
I like clergy as I like
bears, but I have no more wish

973
00:57:33,796 --> 00:57:35,504
to be in church as to be in a
zoo.

974
00:57:39,587 --> 00:57:44,004
Church to me meant ugly
architecture, bleed music,

975
00:57:44,296 --> 00:57:48,837
bad poetry, hymns are
extremely disagreeable to me.

976
00:57:52,587 --> 00:57:57,212
And the botheration of it
all, the crowds, the notices,

977
00:57:57,504 --> 00:57:59,712
the perpetual organizing.

978
00:58:02,587 --> 00:58:04,837
- Before our final prayer,
a quick announcement,

979
00:58:05,129 --> 00:58:08,296
if you would like to join
Edith on the flower rota,

980
00:58:08,587 --> 00:58:10,171
she's desperate for volunteers,

981
00:58:10,462 --> 00:58:13,671
do please speak to her at the
back by the font afterwards.

982
00:58:13,962 --> 00:58:14,879
Let us pray.

983
00:58:16,212 --> 00:58:19,171
Lighten our darkness,
we beseech thee oh Lord

984
00:58:19,462 --> 00:58:23,129
and by thy great mercy
defend us from all perils

985
00:58:23,421 --> 00:58:25,296
and dangers of this night,

986
00:58:25,587 --> 00:58:30,046
for the love of Thy only
son, our savior Jesus Christ.

987
00:58:31,379 --> 00:58:32,171
Amen.

988
00:58:38,379 --> 00:58:41,129
(expectant music)

989
00:58:43,129 --> 00:58:45,796
- My new conviction in a higher
being

990
00:58:46,087 --> 00:58:48,671
did not exactly make me a
paid-up member

991
00:58:48,962 --> 00:58:50,129
in the Church of England.

992
00:58:51,921 --> 00:58:54,712
But now that I believed in God,

993
00:58:55,004 --> 00:58:56,962
I wanted to know more of him,

994
00:58:57,254 --> 00:59:00,087
from any source, pagan or
Christian.

995
00:59:00,379 --> 00:59:03,462
The question was no longer
to find the one true religion

996
00:59:03,754 --> 00:59:07,587
among many, but where
had the thing grown up.

997
00:59:08,879 --> 00:59:11,962
Paganism was the childhood of
religion.

998
00:59:12,254 --> 00:59:14,087
Where had it reached maturity?

999
00:59:15,546 --> 00:59:19,712
As for the materialists,
their view was out of court.

1000
00:59:20,004 --> 00:59:23,421
If reason is only the
accidental result of atoms

1001
00:59:23,712 --> 00:59:27,337
colliding in skulls, I could see
no reason

1002
00:59:27,629 --> 00:59:29,171
to believe that one accident

1003
00:59:29,462 --> 00:59:32,212
should give the correct account
for all other accidents.

1004
00:59:36,337 --> 00:59:38,629
My allegiance was now
with the mass of humanity

1005
00:59:38,921 --> 00:59:42,379
who danced, sang and prayed,
worshiped.

1006
00:59:45,046 --> 00:59:46,962
There isn't really an infinite
variety

1007
00:59:47,254 --> 00:59:48,587
of religions you know.

1008
00:59:48,879 --> 00:59:51,129
To me, the only ones worth
considering

1009
00:59:51,421 --> 00:59:53,629
are Christianity and Hinduism.

1010
00:59:53,921 --> 00:59:56,712
Islam is only the greatest
of the Christian heresies.

1011
00:59:57,004 --> 00:59:59,879
Buddhism's only the greatest
of the Hindu heresies.

1012
01:00:00,171 --> 01:00:02,212
All that is best in Judaism and
Plato

1013
01:00:02,504 --> 01:00:04,379
survives in Christianity

1014
01:00:04,671 --> 01:00:07,837
and Hinduism bears no historical
claim.

1015
01:00:08,129 --> 01:00:10,629
That had been put into my head
by that hard-boiled atheist,

1016
01:00:10,921 --> 01:00:14,921
who said, "All that
mythology about a dying God

1017
01:00:15,212 --> 01:00:18,046
looks as if it really happened
once."

1018
01:00:19,837 --> 01:00:24,421
One day Tolkien and I took
a stroll on Addison's walk.

1019
01:00:24,712 --> 01:00:26,004
As we talked, I said.

1020
01:00:26,296 --> 01:00:30,171
- Tollers, I have, with
considerable resistance,

1021
01:00:30,462 --> 01:00:35,296
come to believe in God,
but not Christianity.

1022
01:00:35,962 --> 01:00:36,629
- Oh Jack.

1023
01:00:36,921 --> 01:00:39,254
- I cannot believe something
I do not understand.

1024
01:00:39,546 --> 01:00:40,671
How can the life and
death of someone else,

1025
01:00:40,962 --> 01:00:44,754
whoever he was, 2000 years ago,
help us in the here and now.

1026
01:00:45,046 --> 01:00:47,921
- When you meet a God
sacrificing
himself in a pagan story

1027
01:00:48,212 --> 01:00:51,671
like Dionysus, Balder, Osiris
or even in a fairy tale,

1028
01:00:51,962 --> 01:00:55,171
you like it very much and
are mysteriously moved by it.

1029
01:00:55,462 --> 01:00:58,171
Provided you meet it anywhere
except in the gospels.

1030
01:00:58,462 --> 01:00:59,796
Well the story of Christ is a
myth,

1031
01:01:00,087 --> 01:01:01,712
working on us in the
same way as other myths,

1032
01:01:02,004 --> 01:01:04,796
with one tremendous difference
in that it really happened.

1033
01:01:08,671 --> 01:01:13,462
- Suddenly a rush of wind
interrupted us, startling me.

1034
01:01:13,754 --> 01:01:17,712
So many leaves fell to the
ground I thought it was raining.

1035
01:01:18,004 --> 01:01:18,671
I held my breath.

1036
01:01:20,046 --> 01:01:22,046
- Come on, Jack. You're
too slow to catch a cold.

1037
01:01:22,337 --> 01:01:23,796
You know Dyson hates
sitting on those steps

1038
01:01:24,087 --> 01:01:25,087
waiting to be let in.

1039
01:01:32,879 --> 01:01:35,337
- I don't know if Tollers
remembered that moment.

1040
01:01:35,629 --> 01:01:38,504
I did. His words hit home.

1041
01:01:38,796 --> 01:01:41,879
No matter how unwilling,
I was beginning to move.

1042
01:01:56,296 --> 01:01:58,879
Tollers and I talked deep into
the night.

1043
01:02:00,046 --> 01:02:02,504
Hugo Dyson joined us.

1044
01:02:02,796 --> 01:02:05,504
- Beef. Sensational pie.

1045
01:02:05,796 --> 01:02:07,212
- You make a mess with that.

1046
01:02:08,212 --> 01:02:10,379
Now this stuff will put
hairs on your chest.

1047
01:02:11,671 --> 01:02:12,962
- Here she is.

1048
01:02:13,254 --> 01:02:14,337
Make space would you.

1049
01:02:15,546 --> 01:02:16,462
There we go.

1050
01:02:18,546 --> 01:02:20,421
- Look, I may be prepared to
accept Jesus

1051
01:02:20,712 --> 01:02:22,796
as a great moral teacher,

1052
01:02:23,087 --> 01:02:24,754
but I simply cannot accept
his claim to be God.

1053
01:02:25,046 --> 01:02:26,421
- Oh, come on Jack.

1054
01:02:26,712 --> 01:02:28,921
How could a mere man be
called a great moral teacher

1055
01:02:29,212 --> 01:02:30,796
and say the sort of things Jesus
said?

1056
01:02:31,087 --> 01:02:32,421
- Such as?

1057
01:02:32,712 --> 01:02:34,129
- That he always existed.

1058
01:02:34,421 --> 01:02:35,796
- That he was coming
again to judge the world.

1059
01:02:36,087 --> 01:02:38,879
- Such men are judged frauds,
lunatics.

1060
01:02:40,754 --> 01:02:42,546
- In spite of my resistance,

1061
01:02:42,837 --> 01:02:45,504
they convinced me that
nothing else in all literature

1062
01:02:45,796 --> 01:02:47,379
is just like the gospels.

1063
01:02:48,254 --> 01:02:50,504
Myths are like it in
one way with its stories

1064
01:02:50,796 --> 01:02:53,046
of the miraculous,
histories like it in another

1065
01:02:53,337 --> 01:02:55,879
with its attention to minute
details,

1066
01:02:56,171 --> 01:02:59,254
but nothing is simply like it.

1067
01:02:59,546 --> 01:03:03,254
And no person is like the person
depicted.

1068
01:03:04,296 --> 01:03:05,212
- I'm sure there are many people

1069
01:03:05,504 --> 01:03:07,087
who believe themselves to be
God.

1070
01:03:07,379 --> 01:03:09,587
Our hospitals are full of them.

1071
01:03:09,879 --> 01:03:11,837
- Oh, come on Jack be serious.

1072
01:03:12,129 --> 01:03:13,962
No great moral teacher
has ever made that claim

1073
01:03:14,254 --> 01:03:15,462
except Jesus, and you know it.

1074
01:03:15,754 --> 01:03:18,087
- And he went on and on and on.

1075
01:03:18,379 --> 01:03:19,171
- What do you mean?

1076
01:03:20,546 --> 01:03:22,212
- Well, claiming to forgive sins

1077
01:03:22,504 --> 01:03:23,921
and that he himself is the
injured party

1078
01:03:24,212 --> 01:03:25,212
in every transgression.

1079
01:03:25,504 --> 01:03:28,462
Look, in anyone else this
would be thought silly.

1080
01:03:28,754 --> 01:03:30,712
- Suppose you told me that
two of your colleagues

1081
01:03:31,004 --> 01:03:31,837
had lost you a top professorship

1082
01:03:32,129 --> 01:03:34,546
by telling lies about your
character.

1083
01:03:34,837 --> 01:03:39,212
And I replied "Freely forgive
them both."

1084
01:03:39,504 --> 01:03:40,796
Would you not think this sheer
lunacy?

1085
01:03:41,087 --> 01:03:41,962
- It would be sheer lunacy.

1086
01:03:42,254 --> 01:03:44,254
- Yet, even those who opposed
Jesus

1087
01:03:44,546 --> 01:03:48,004
admitted that he expressed
moral truth of depth and purity

1088
01:03:48,296 --> 01:03:51,004
full of wisdom and shrewdness.

1089
01:03:51,296 --> 01:03:53,504
- Wisdom and shrewdness.

1090
01:03:53,796 --> 01:03:55,462
You make him sound like Solomon
the great.

1091
01:03:55,754 --> 01:03:56,254
- On the contrary,

1092
01:03:56,546 --> 01:03:58,254
history repeatedly calls
him humble and meek.

1093
01:03:58,546 --> 01:04:00,962
- Not that you want to
notice that of course Jack.

1094
01:04:01,254 --> 01:04:02,879
Humility and meekness are the
last things one would ascribe

1095
01:04:03,171 --> 01:04:05,962
to someone who makes claims
worthy of being a megalomaniac.

1096
01:04:10,462 --> 01:04:13,837
- The Great Knock taught
me to shame inconsistency.

1097
01:04:14,129 --> 01:04:15,629
If Jesus' statements are false.

1098
01:04:15,921 --> 01:04:17,629
Christianity is of no
importance.

1099
01:04:17,921 --> 01:04:21,629
If true, it is of infinite
importance,

1100
01:04:21,921 --> 01:04:25,837
but one thing it cannot be
is moderately important.

1101
01:04:27,962 --> 01:04:30,171
- So what are you saying?

1102
01:04:31,379 --> 01:04:36,296
- Simply that either this man
was, and is, the son of God

1103
01:04:36,587 --> 01:04:39,796
or else he is a liar,
a lunatic or a fraud,

1104
01:04:41,129 --> 01:04:42,421
but all this patronizing
nonsense

1105
01:04:42,712 --> 01:04:44,254
about him being some great moral
teacher,

1106
01:04:44,546 --> 01:04:47,921
it's not an option to us,
nor was it intended to be.

1107
01:04:50,254 --> 01:04:51,921
- I felt a resistance to this

1108
01:04:52,212 --> 01:04:55,754
almost as strong as my
resistance to theism.

1109
01:04:56,046 --> 01:04:58,796
Every step from the
absolute to spirit to God

1110
01:04:59,087 --> 01:05:01,921
was a step toward the more
concrete.

1111
01:05:02,212 --> 01:05:06,712
And now to accept the
incarnation that God became man

1112
01:05:07,004 --> 01:05:09,587
was a further step in the same
direction.

1113
01:05:09,879 --> 01:05:12,712
Oh, this too was something
I had not wanted.

1114
01:05:17,296 --> 01:05:19,962
I remember very well when, but
hardly how,

1115
01:05:20,254 --> 01:05:22,712
the final step was taken.

1116
01:05:23,004 --> 01:05:25,712
I was being driven by my
brother Warnie to Whipsnade Zoo

1117
01:05:26,004 --> 01:05:28,546
in the sidecar of a
motorcycle one Sunday morning

1118
01:05:28,837 --> 01:05:30,462
in the autumn of 1931.

1119
01:05:31,671 --> 01:05:33,712
When we set out, I did not
believe

1120
01:05:34,004 --> 01:05:36,712
that Jesus Christ is the son of
God.

1121
01:05:37,004 --> 01:05:39,337
When we reached the zoo, I did,

1122
01:05:40,546 --> 01:05:44,462
I had not spent the journey
in thought, or great emotion.

1123
01:05:45,671 --> 01:05:48,129
It was more like a man
who, after a long sleep,

1124
01:05:48,421 --> 01:05:53,254
has become aware he is now
awake.

1125
01:05:59,962 --> 01:06:04,212
My conversion shed new
light on my search for joy.

1126
01:06:05,296 --> 01:06:09,004
The overwhelming longings
that emerged from "Phantastes"

1127
01:06:09,296 --> 01:06:13,004
and my brother's toy garden
were merely signposts

1128
01:06:13,296 --> 01:06:15,254
to what I truly desired.

1129
01:06:15,546 --> 01:06:17,879
They were not the thing itself.

1130
01:06:18,171 --> 01:06:21,337
I concluded that if I
find in myself a desire

1131
01:06:21,629 --> 01:06:25,504
that no experience in
this world could satisfy,

1132
01:06:25,796 --> 01:06:30,379
the most probable explanation,
I was made for another world.

1133
01:06:32,837 --> 01:06:35,546
At present we're on the
outside of that world,

1134
01:06:36,879 --> 01:06:38,629
the wrong side of the door.

1135
01:06:40,004 --> 01:06:43,171
We cannot mingle with
the splendors we see,

1136
01:06:44,379 --> 01:06:47,546
but all the leaves of the
New Testament are rustling

1137
01:06:47,837 --> 01:06:51,671
with the rumor that it
will not always be so.

1138
01:06:51,962 --> 01:06:55,796
One day, God willing, we shall
get in.

1139
01:07:00,129 --> 01:07:03,546
Meanwhile, the cross
comes before the crown

1140
01:07:05,087 --> 01:07:07,546
and tomorrow is another morning.

1141
01:07:09,254 --> 01:07:12,629
A cleft has opened in the
pitiless walls of this world,

1142
01:07:14,171 --> 01:07:18,587
and we have been invited to
follow our great captain inside.

1143
01:07:21,379 --> 01:07:25,796
Following him is of course
the essential point.

1144
01:07:28,171 --> 01:07:31,921
♪ In the bleak midwinter ♪

1145
01:07:32,212 --> 01:07:35,337
♪ Frosty wind made moan ♪

1146
01:07:37,546 --> 01:07:41,962
- That Christmas, I took the
short walk to my parish church.

1147
01:07:42,921 --> 01:07:46,087
That walk marked the end of one
journey

1148
01:07:47,129 --> 01:07:49,087
and the beginning of another.

1149
01:07:51,421 --> 01:07:52,879
♪ Snow had fallen ♪

1150
01:07:53,171 --> 01:07:57,504
♪ Snow on snow on snow ♪

1151
01:07:57,796 --> 01:08:00,754
♪ In the bleak midwinter ♪

1152
01:08:01,046 --> 01:08:03,712
- As I looked around, I thought
not only

1153
01:08:04,004 --> 01:08:06,254
of my own potential glory
hereafter,

1154
01:08:07,296 --> 01:08:10,004
but also that of my neighbor's
glory.

1155
01:08:12,087 --> 01:08:15,712
It is a serious thing to live
in a society of possible gods

1156
01:08:16,004 --> 01:08:18,129
and goddesses, to
remember that the dullest,

1157
01:08:18,421 --> 01:08:22,087
most uninteresting person
you meet may one day

1158
01:08:22,379 --> 01:08:24,879
be a creature that if you saw it
now,

1159
01:08:25,171 --> 01:08:28,504
you would be strongly tempted
to fall down and worship

1160
01:08:28,796 --> 01:08:32,879
or else a horror or a
corruption such as you now meet,

1161
01:08:33,171 --> 01:08:36,004
if at all, only in a nightmare.

1162
01:08:38,504 --> 01:08:40,671
All day long, we are helping
each other

1163
01:08:40,962 --> 01:08:44,921
to one or the other of
these two destinations.

1164
01:08:46,504 --> 01:08:49,171
It is in the light of these
overwhelming possibilities

1165
01:08:49,462 --> 01:08:52,504
that I should now conduct all my
dealings.

1166
01:08:56,587 --> 01:08:58,671
There are no ordinary people.

1167
01:09:00,337 --> 01:09:02,671
I've never met a mere mortal.

1168
01:09:02,962 --> 01:09:07,796
Nations, cultures,
civilizations, these are mortal.

1169
01:09:08,504 --> 01:09:11,546
Their life is to ours as that of
a gnat.

1170
01:09:12,712 --> 01:09:15,796
It is immortals whom we
joke with, work with,

1171
01:09:16,087 --> 01:09:20,962
marry, snub, exploit.

1172
01:09:21,254 --> 01:09:25,546
The weight or burden of my
neighbors glory

1173
01:09:25,837 --> 01:09:28,087
should be laid daily on my back.

1174
01:09:29,046 --> 01:09:33,962
A load so heavy, only
humility can carry it.

1175
01:09:36,004 --> 01:09:39,546
And the backs of the proud will
be broken.

1176
01:09:45,546 --> 01:09:49,712
♪ What can I give him ♪

1177
01:09:50,004 --> 01:09:54,337
♪ Poor as I am ♪

1178
01:09:54,629 --> 01:09:59,254
♪ if I were a shepherd ♪

1179
01:09:59,546 --> 01:10:04,129
♪ I would give a lamb ♪

1180
01:10:04,421 --> 01:10:08,879
♪ if I were a wise man ♪

1181
01:10:09,171 --> 01:10:13,504
♪ I would do my part ♪

1182
01:10:13,796 --> 01:10:18,629
♪ Yet what I can I give him ♪

1183
01:10:18,962 --> 01:10:21,879
♪ Give him my heart ♪

1184
01:10:34,046 --> 01:10:37,504
- Christ our Passover
is sacrificed for us.

1185
01:10:37,796 --> 01:10:40,254
Therefore let us keep the feast.

1186
01:10:42,337 --> 01:10:44,796
(solemn music)

1187
01:10:54,879 --> 01:10:57,629
The body of our Lord Jesus
Christ.

1188
01:11:00,379 --> 01:11:03,546
- Unlike my first
communion, 17 years earlier.

1189
01:11:04,837 --> 01:11:06,129
I now believed.

1190
01:11:17,337 --> 01:11:20,046
(uplifting music)

1191
01:11:22,046 --> 01:11:23,671
- Okay. Thanks very much.

1192
01:11:23,962 --> 01:11:25,462
That's a cut there. Thank you.

1193
01:11:25,754 --> 01:11:26,796
Thank you Max.

1194
01:11:27,087 --> 01:11:27,962
- Thank you.

1195
01:11:28,254 --> 01:11:31,087
(people chattering)

1196
01:12:23,837 --> 01:12:26,337
(gentle music)