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My life fades.
The vision dims.
All that remains are memories.
I remember a time of chaos, ruined dreams,
and really bad 1980s hairstyles,
but most of all, I remember the woman we called "Maxine,
the bone warrior."
To understand who she was,
we have to go back to the other time,
when the world was powered by cell phones,
Facebook and the Kardashians.
Gone now, swept away by bill the janitor.
Without perpetual updates of what uncle Ned's dog was doing,
and which celebrity was purchasing
a diamond-plated penis enlarger.
They were nothing, they built a house of straw.
Their world crumbled, cities exploded.
A whirlwind of dry humping, a firestorm of fear or fun,
depending on what end of the dry humping you were on.
Men began to actually read and have conversations
while looking at one another in the eyes
instead of gazing down
at a Chinese manufactured three-inch keypad.
Oh, the horror.
On the roads it was a white line nightmare.
Only those mobile enough to scavenge,
brutal enough to ask for directions would survive.
Failed reality TV show contestants took over the highways,
ready to wage war for gossip,
and high end designer fashion trends.
And then there's male's trim of decay.
Ordinary women were battered and smashed
like a 50% sale at Walmart.
Women like Maxine, the warrior Maxine,
in a aurar of an unannounced surprise boyfriend visit,
she lost everything.
- Hi, honey, I'm home.
Oh my god, how could you?
Honey, how can you do this to me?
No.
I can't watch this.
And became a shell of a woman.
A burned out, desolate brought,
a woman haunted by the demons of her past,
a woman who wandered out into the wasteland
and it was here in this blotted place
that she learned to live again.
- Shh, all right quiet, quite everyone, quiet listen.
Listen, Around the corner.
- Take that losers.
Well, you think you're so big now?
Vuitton.
- Don't touch the snake.
Nobody touches the snake.
Why are you touching my snake?
- I'm hungry.
- Hungry?
- No, no, no, no. - I'm just gonna take
little bit off you.
- No, no, nobody touches the snake.
Nobody touches this snake.
What are you doing out here like this?
Why are you hungry?
This place is no place for someone like you.
Someone with, with that pair of hunkers on you.
- These... boobies.
What? - These boobies
are booby traps.
You touch these tanks, boom.
- Oh, you're no fun.
You know what, what you need?
You need a wardrobe.
- What?
- Where did you get that clothing?
- What? - In a junkyard?
Come on, I know a place where you can dress up
in the finest designer stuff.
- Sure.
- Shoes, boots, dresses, tops, bottoms.
- Where, where would that be?
- It's not far from here.
- Bullshit.
- And they have a special sale.
- Pull my leg.
- 75% off for brunettes. - Wait, what?
- Double for blondes.
If you don't know where it is,
you'll never find it without me.
- Oh, okay.
You wanna negotiate then.
You take me to these discounts you talk about.
What do you want from it?
You want, you want something?
- I need something for my snake.
I need a basket for the snake to ride in.
And you know what my snake likes?
Hello kitty.
- Okay, so let's say you take me to this,
this store, this, this place
with these discounts. - Thunderbone mall.
- The thunderbone mall.
You take me there,
I'll get you a hello kitty basket for your snake.
- Oh, perfect, perfect.
- We got a deal?
- It's that way, you start out, I'll join you
on my gyrocopter.
- All right.
I'll be watching you.
I'll be watching you too, baby.
Be careful, watch your step.
Eh, that's it.
That's the place.
Four days and four nights,
my snake and I stayed here playing with ourselves.
Just waiting.
Just waiting for jeans and shirts and tops in my size.
Oh, I'd get 'em altered if I needed to, but no, no,
I was gonna wait for the right thing.
Jordan ash, Calvin Klein, Carhartt.
And then this white trash showed up.
White trash riding around, tearing up the place.
And all they were looking for was cheap.
They didn't care about brand names,
they just wanted clothing.
And what were they gonna do with it?
Piss on it, piss on it.
Put odor oil on it.
Oh, it's awful, it's terrible.
Oh, it's so painful to think about.
It's painful.
I think my snake and I have to go away
and get rid of the tension.
- By my hand, you'll rise from the asses of this world.
- Oh my god, it's pee. - Oh my god, it's pee
and it's muddy water.
Oh.
Oh god.
Humanity.
Oh my god, it's pee.
- Um, hi, I don't mean to interrupt your pee drinking party,
but could I exchange these for a smaller size?
- A return?
We don't take returns.
- Well, they're huge.
- What are you talking about?
Your fat ass will fit into that.
- No, they couldn't.
You really think my ass is that big?
- Your ass is huge.
It's as big as a mountain.
- Well, could I, could I, could I at least get store credit?
- Store credit?
No one asks for store credit.
You'll regret this request.
We have ways of dealing with angry shoppers.
Thunderbone.
Two girls enter, one girl pees.
- Two girls enter, - two girls enter,
- one girl pees. - One girl pees.
- Two girls enter, - two girls enter,
- one girl pees. - One girl pees.
- Two girls enter, - two girls enter,
- one girl pees. - One girl pees.
Two girls enter, one girl pees.
- Listen on and listen on,
this is the truth of it.
Fighting leads to killing,
killing leads to dry humping.
And that was damn near the death of us all.
Look at us now.
Busted up.
Everyone's talking about hard cock,
but we've learned by the dust of them all.
Humper town has learned.
Now, when women get fighting over bargain deals,
it starts here and it finishes here.
Two girls enter, one girl pees.
Two girls enter, one girl pees,
two girls enter, one girl pees.
- And right now I've got two girls,
two girls with a gut full of fear,
and lots of caffeine 'cause they're about to pee really bad.
She's the cock blocker, she's six on foot.
You know her, you love her.
She's master batter.
And now stray of the wasteland.
She's bad, she's beautiful.
She's the girl with no shame.
- This is thunderbone.
Your bladder is listening.
We will take the first one that tingles.
- The rules of thunderbone are simple.
You know, get to the tickly toys, you know,
tickle each other.
You know the first one that loses your bladder, you lost,
you know, when you pee on the floor, it's, it, you know,
it's basically, it's, it's a urination thing.
It's fetish, it's, it's a little weird,
but we kind of like it, you know,
when we're lonely, you know.
So, all right, well, you know, get to it.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Right, I'm gonna go grab me budweiser or something.
- Pee.
Well, that was a relief.
All right, so you won, whatever.
I'm, I'm going to a fully furnish hotel with,
with complimentary WiFi.
And, and I'm gonna have sex with my boyfriend.
And it's gonna be fun.
It might even be like multiple orgasms, okay.
- Huh?
Huh?
Um.
Where's my Armani?
In my drawer?
And my Gucci shoes?
What, where are they?
They were here, where are they?
Where's my stuff?
Oh my god.
She took it, she took everything.
That bitch, I'll kill her.
I'm gonna kill that bitch.
I'm gonna kill that Horniosa.
I'm gonna kill her.
I am gonna kill Horniosa.
- Well, ya immortal hoe.
This is what you get for ignoring me,
hanging out with you stupid friend on poker night.
Falling asleep after sex, you stupid cunt.
- That bitch stole my car.
Guys, Horniosa stole my Panties.
Kill the bitch.
This is what you get for stealing my,
you fucking immortal hoe.
- Am I glad I got rid those guys.
Now it's time for me to go to hotel and bang a girl.
Maxine, Maxine, you never did the laundry.
You know how much I love fluffing and folding, you know,
getting my dick fluffed and folding you over.
But you didn't do that.
You didn't do that for me.
Well, I got a new woman.
She does the dry cleaning and it takes all the stains out.
And me and her, we got a lot of stain.
You should have taken care of me.
Should have taken care of me Maxine,
you shouldn't have ignored me, left me alone,
you left alone Maxine, you left me alone.
- Who are you?
- What the fuck?
- What the hell is going on?
- You're, you're a moron.
- I'm a moron.
- I'm fat.
- You're skinny.
- My mother barks real loud.
- Are you saying my mother's a bitch?
Are you Walter?
We're waiting for you Walter.
We've been waiting for you for years.
- What are you talking about?
Who the hell is Walter?
- Have you never heard the story, the tale,
about the balloon that went up into the air,
over the water a long way?
- I think you're crazy.
- And then the turbulence came and knocked the airplanes
out of the sky and the balloon landed on the ground.
Captain Walter said,
"you must stay here and take care of yourselves.
I will be back for you someday."
And we're waiting for you captain Walter.
Although you don't look like captain Walter.
- The fuck are you talking about?
- And now we're so happy to have you back.
Captain Walter.
- I'm not captain Walter.
- You don't. - I'm not Walter.
- You don't know this story?
- You're probably just some dude
who lives in his mom's basement until you're 40
and plays video games every day.
- Oh, that's so sad. - Have you even like
seen a real vagina other than like online?
No.
- What's a vagina?
- Oh god.
I'm not doing this.
I'm not captain Walter,
you're just some loser.
I'm out.
What is this, the sequel to the "goonies?"
- Well, time to go.
- What?
- Why?
- What? - Why?
- What sister?
- Come here.
Say hello to your nephew.
- My nephew?
You fucked a suitcase?
And the hammer of Thor,
the only river that can cool the forest fire in my heart.
It's some porn of two women dry humping one another,
in an air conditioned hotel room,
it's fully furnished.
- What the hell's going on?
This is my car.
Are you, are you stealing it?
- I guess so.
- Oh shit man.
Well, can you gimme a ride at least?
- Where are you going?
- I'm going to the place beyond man on machine.
How about you?
- I'm going to the clean place.
- What's the clean place?
- You never heard about the clean place?
Never? - No, I don't know.
I don't know what the clean place is.
- It's up in east Harlem and it's like a mall
where you could get like 60, 70% off purses,
shoes, dresses, you name it.
- Shoes too?
- Yeah, of course.
Better than what the hell you're wearing.
- I, I like these.
These are really good on the gravel.
- Okay, you say so?
- Hmm.
- I used to go there as a little girl.
Did you know that a great shoes could replace
the love of a man?
Maxine, Maxine,
you ever do one dish when we were together Maxine?
Not one dish, I like my sauces soaked in soap.
You know what I mean?
- Hello?
I'm talking to you.
I asked you a question.
- No, I guess I didn't know that.
What's in your pocket?
- You're so nosy.
These are coupon, don't you see?
Jesus Christ.
These are coupon for the store that I'm going to.
You could get like 70, 60% off shoes, purses.
- Wow. - You name it.
You could have one only,
the rest are mine.
- They expire on Friday.
- Duh, yeah, that's what it says there, Friday, right?
- You'd have to go soon.
- Yeah, all right, that's enough, so.
- Do you, do you believe in hope?
- Of course I do.
Otherwise, what's the whole point?
- I think hope is a mistake.
If you can't fix what is broken, what's the point?
You'll go insane.
- You're such a drama queen.
- I'm not.
Well, give me a ride to this place you're going.
- Oh fine.
- I wanna get some good deals too.
You know what I'm in the market for?
A fur coat.
- Just get in the car.
- Something extinct.
- You talk too much shit.
- Listen man, this is all I'm saying.
If we are gonna be raping and marauding,
shouldn't we wait till after we're done raping and marauding
to play the drums?
We gotta rape them,
but shouldn't we wait till after that to play the drums?
I mean, here's all I'm saying.
Do you really think Neil pert and buddy rich could keep time
through all this whipping?
- What time is it?
- Get over here, you idiot.
- What?
- Why the fuck would you put a freaking flame thrower
on a guitar?
- This is fucking cool.
- It's not fricking cool when you blow up half
the motorcycle crew.
- It's cool, kind of.
- Give me this.
- What?
- Where's the clean place?
- Well, if you're looking for a place to take a dump,
there's a clean place over there, I just used it.
- Well, according to the map,
it says that the clean place should be right there.
- Oh, you mean the mall?
Oh, closed years ago.
- What happened?
- Oh, clean place mall, it closed years ago.
It's, it turned into a bowling alley
and a, and a gay bar and, and then an ice cream store,
and then, and then it just went away.
- So what am I supposed to do with these?
- Oh, I can use them over there at the other clean place.
Taking a dump, you know, wiping my ass.
- Get outta here, give me those.
- Oh.
Now I have to use my hand like usual.
- Ugh.
- Oh, by the way, we haven't met.
Pleased to meet ya.
- Ugh.
Get away from me.
- Well, anyway, it's gone.
It's been gone for years.
- It's all right, it's gonna be okay.
- I'm so upset right now.
You know what's the only thing that can cure
the hole in my heart?
- What?
- If I sleep with a random woman at a hotel.
- Good luck with that Horniosa.
Maxine, where are you Maxine?
Where are you Maxine?
You know Maxine, it was just small details on life
you missed out on.
Like, telling me how great I am.
What a wonderful lover I was.
You never told me those things, Maxine.
You were just so self-involved.
Like talking about your job, your parents, your family,
and asking questions like, what about my orgasm?
What the fuck?
You know I needed a woman that appreciates me,
the smallest thing to come out of a woman's mouth
was Edison's cock.
- Horniosa, horniosa.
The only way forward is to go back.
- Back?
- What, are you asking me to do anal?
- Anal?
- What?
No, no, you've got the wrong idea.
- So why did you ask me about the back door?
- The back door?
- No, what I'm saying is we need to go back
from where we came from.
- Come, I can come, I can come too.
- Horniosa, there's nothing for us here.
The best we can do out here is a dollar store with no deals.
- Well, they better have more out there.
- If you try to fix something that is broken,
you'll go insane.
Insane for good prices that is.
- Can I bring my camera?
I wanna bring my camera into the shot.
- No, you can't bring your camera.
There's no, there's no shoot,
there's no, there's no anal going on.
You're not listening.
- Back door, you said back door.
I got, I could wear this.
- I don't even know what that's supposed to do for you
sexually.
- Makes it easy to find me in the dark.
And then I get two ice cream cones,
a bucket of fried chicken,
a whole gallon of chocolate syrup.
And then we can really have a party.
- Yeah, sounds like a great party.
You can do that on your own.
Let's go home.
Come on.
- Where are we going?
- We're, we're not going anywhere, you're not invited.
- I can come too.
- These guys suck.
They're awful.
They wouldn't know where their asshole was
if it wasn't attached to 'em.
This idiot thinks his asshole is located on his shoulder.
- Ah, sister.
This may be an inopportune time to discuss the heir
to your throne.
- It is always a bad time.
What do I look like, any?
There's still motion in this ocean buster.
- But sister, you have no boyfriend.
- Of course not, it's because I'm gay.
- But, but sister, you don't seem happy.
- No, you moron.
Gay, like a clam eater, a muff diver,
a dog catcher catches pussy.
You know, punani Pinocchio.
I, I'm a lesbian.
- But, but, but sister, I, I, I'm still very, very confused.
- Well, take a look at this moron
and maybe we'll teach you about,
little education about lesbians.
- Are there lesbians inside?
- Oh, you're, you're such an idiot.
- Oh.
Lesbians?
Boobies.
You like boobies?
- Oh, boobies, yeah.
- Boobies nice.
Hey, there's an asshole.
That'd be you,
you're the asshole.
- I'm an asshole?
- Greetings from the lord humponus,
the warrior of assland,
the Of cock and.
- I am gravely disappointed,
again, you have made me unleash my puppies of purchasing.
Look what remains of your gallian shopping coupons.
Why?
Because you think you can buy jeans at full retail?
Now my prisoners, say you plan on taking lipstick
out of assland.
What puny plan.
Look around you.
This is the home shopping network of death.
There has been too much violence, too much pain.
None here without said.
But I have an honorable compromise.
Give me your Louis Vuitton pumps,
your Gucci purses and all your Prada belts.
And I will spare your lives.
Just walk away.
I will give you safe passage through assland.
Just walk away
and there will be an end to the horror.
Ah, fuck it.
Oh, fuck it.
I'm gonna go to a desert hotel,
do some typing and fuck my boyfriend.
- Oh goodness.
What the hell was that about?
- I have no idea.
That was a really weird interaction.
- You know what?
I think it's daddy's shoes.
- Yeah, she's probably like one of those women
who are middle aged, with no kids, who go to the mall
and spend like eight hours there buying things
while their husband's at work, to like fill the empty void
of their heart.
- Yeah, I think so too.
- You don't, you don't know anyone like that though, right?
Do you? - No.
- Yeah. - No.
- Me neither.
Anyway, we should go.
- Yeah. - Yeah, let's get outta here.
- I want my designer things back, bitch.
- Take that bitch.
Yeah, take that.
Oh.
Take that you bitch.
Yeah, yeah.
- That was a close one.
I thought that was about to blow.
- We have returned from the wasteland for store credit.
- So Max, what are you planning to do with your life?
- I'm gonna reaccessorise it.
It's time to give up a life of handbags and shoes
and return to reality.
No clothing can fill the void of my heart.
- Fire and wind come from the sky,
from the gods of the sky.
But Louis Vuitton is your god.
Vuitton, and he lives in earth.
Once giants lived in earth
and in the darkness of chaos, they fooled Vuitton.
And they took from him the enigma of penny loafers.
Vuitton was angered and the earth shook,
and fired winds struck down these giants
and they threw their cheap target China made pumps
into the waters, but in a rage,
the gods forgot about the secret of pump shoes.
And they left it on the battlefield.
And those that found it are just men.
Not gods,
not giants,
just men.
The secret of French and Italian shoes
has always kept it a mystery.
You must learn its rhythm Maxine.
You must learn its discipline.
For no one, no one in this world can you trust.
Not men, not women, not beast.
This you could trust.
- Sorry, but I need some dick and someone to pay my bills.
Good luck with the shoes though.
I'm out.
- Alright, well how about you?
You want some shoes?
- I like shoes.
And so began the journey north to safety,
to our place in the song.
Among us, we found a new leader.
The man who loved cheese as much as he loved porn,
the gyro colonel, just as horniosa had planned,
we traveled far beyond the reach of men or machines.
As for me, I grew to manhood.
And the fullness of time I became the leader,
the chief of the great horny tribe.
And the bone warrior, that was the last we ever saw of her.
She lives now only in my memories.
Mostly, you know, erotic was the last,
you know, more dreams.
You know, she's wearing like a hot leather outfit
and I'm like covered in whipped cream,
wearing a boy scout Outfit.
And my mom was telling me to take out the garbage.
But I'm like, fuck you mom,
I'm trying to get my groove on.
And my dad is trying to barge in on my room
while the unicorn is fucking me from behind.
Yeah, like Maxine is like, get outta here old man.
I, I'm getting my beaver bashed by a real man.
And you ain't that.
Whoa, whoa.
Then Maxine and I go to a metallica concert
even though they sold out, dude.
And we get really fucking high
huffing an out of date acrylic paint.
Yeah.