Draw your swords.
Charge your pikes!
Muskets stand ready.
Give fire.
-Stand.
Medic! Medic!
Medic!
♪ There once was a place with my little lovely ♪
♪ Whey, hey, ho ♪
♪ And I seek and I search, and I know that I'll find it ♪
♪ Whey, hey, ho ♪
♪ I know the wind, she blows ♪
♪ I know the tides are low ♪
♪ But you'll find me at the Whitepost ♪
♪ You'll find me at the Whitepost ♪
I, uh, I got you this.
Thank you.
You alright?
Chief Inspector Mike McGuire.
This is Sergeant Nikki Martel.
Uh, Keith Boyle.
I'm an accountant.
Talk us through what happened.
1648, the second English Civil War,
the king was in the tower --
Today, Keith.
What happened today?
Sorry. Sorry.
I've no idea.
We take every precaution during musket fire.
Every precaution.
Now, w-we do use real gunpowder.
-Real gunpowder? -Well, of course.
But we stuff the barrels with toilet paper.
And the cannons?
Same.
We take every precaution.
Yeah, more toilet paper.
Right, the victim?
The Earl of Norwich.
Sorry, Brian Armstrong.
Uh, former DCI Brian Armstrong.
He was -- He was one of yours.
Um, that's his wife, Heidi, over there.
He only retired last month.
This was their first event.
.338 Lapua magnum?
Yes, sir.
That's not from a musket.
Sniper rifle casings.
Yeah.
So the shooter waited for the actors
to fire their muskets and then...
Bang, bang. Two shots.
One to the head, one to the chest.
Sound got lost in the musket fire.
Right, send the lover's army home.
This was a professional job.
We're looking for a hit man.
And whoever hired him.
Brian's ex-police.
40-year career.
It's a lot of arrests.
A lot of suspects.
Hmm.
You're gonna say it's the wife.
Was it too obvious?
-Too cliched. -Nah.
Male know-it-all cop makes misogynistic assumption.
She was smiling.
-She was in shock. -And drinking tea.
She changed her clothes.
People react in different ways.
When your partner gets their head blown off,
you scream and shout and cry your eyes out,
you don't drink tea.
The case of the stolen garden umbrella has been solved.
Were the victims right?
Oh, well, they blamed the Ramonas next door.
And?
On the night of the disappearance, Hurricane Norman.
Not much more than a gust of wind
by the time it reached us,
but enough to blow an unweighted umbrella all the way to Europe.
To Europe.
Oh, I know. The irony.
Disappearing umbrellas.
Not exactly cutting-edge detective work, is it?
Well, if you can't be a cop,
the least you can do is to date one.
Oh, very progressive.
And it's not a date.
It's not. It's dinner with a friend.
Dinner with a single male friend.
It's not a date.
So freeborn Nathanial Pimm gave you his card?
I asked for it.
Keith Boyle at musketballs.co.uk.
Yeah, looks like a laugh.
Civil War re-enactment?
Sad loners playing dress-up.
Oh, and your life's just one big A-list party.
So back to the Bates Motel?
Some of us are going for a pint if you want to come.
No, I can't. I'm, uh...
Oh, hold up, don't tell me you've actually got plans?
Just meeting someone for a drink.
-Like a date? -It's not a date.
Sounds like a date.
It's no big deal.
-Alright? Hiya.
-Two Oyster Stouts, please. -Two Oysters?
Yeah.
They're not both for me, by the way.
Are you drawing me?
Well, can you not?
Why?
Because it's weird.
It's Whitstable.
Come on then, let's see it.
-It's not finished. Let's have a look.
What the...?
Aw.
What the...?
It's actually quite good.
Well, 50 quid, a new top, and it's yours.
It's not that good.
Uh.
Alright, guv?
So, we've had three different women come to the station.
Brian was sleeping with all of them.
They're gutted. Shouting, check.
Screaming, check. Tears, check.
None of them wanted a cup of tea.
They're all certain that Brian was going to leave Heidi,
and they all think that she had him killed.
Uh.
Heidi?
Brian was police for a long time.
He made a lot of enemies.
It made him a target.
When I got home, our house felt different.
I know what you're going to say.
Everything's going to feel different now.
It wasn't that.
Someone had been inside.
Well, how could you tell?
It was...
too tidy.
My clothes weren't hanging in the right order.
The window in the bathroom was open.
I'd shut it.
I know it.
What if they're after me too?
Then you should go to the police.
Brian was cheating on me.
The police think I did it.
We've known each other since cooking class.
I had high hopes for this place.
You'd just opened your B&B.
We wanted to learn some gourmet recipes.
Hmm, and rinse the DFLs.
Remember how I couldn't bring myself to boil that lobster?
I know you didn't kill Brian, Heidi.
Find out who did.
And if I'm next.
Big brother's watching.
I'm glad.
-Okay. Right.
Okay.
-Ready? -Yeah.
God.
Ohh. Ohh, Heidi.
Love, it's gonna be alright.
Honestly, it's gonna be alright.
Okay?
Heidi Armstrong hired me.
Is this why you wanted to meet?
I thought...
What?
That you wanted to talk about last night.
-You stood me up. -It wasn't like that.
You changed your mind.
Admit it.
Alright, I did, alright?
No, but I changed it back again.
I did show up.
When?
I was late.
Really late.
Listen, we think Heidi hired someone to shoot Brian.
Keep that nice police pension all to herself.
Heidi made more at her B&B in the summer
than Brian made in his whole career.
Right, well, I'm just saying,
just keep your distance from her.
She could be dangerous.
She's a sweetheart.
No, she's playing you.
I did a cooking class with her
and she couldn't even boil a lobster.
Just leave this to the professionals, alright?
I know her.
-And you don't. -And I know guilt.
And Heidi's guilty.
Don't be so sure.
"Chief Inspector Brian Armstrong
retires today after 40 years of service.
A brave and dedicated officer.
Chief Inspector Armstrong was a pillar
of the community," blah, blah, blah.
It doesn't mention him shagging around?
Here's where it gets interesting, the comments.
All left by the same person.
-"Scab, Judas, traitor."
So much for brotherly love.
Yeah.
Let's go and make some trouble.
Clive Armstrong?
I'm Chief Inspector Mike McGuire.
This is Sergeant Nikki Martel.
Call me Kid.
Uh, you are an angry man, Kid.
-I stand by every word. -Yeah?
You and Brian grew up here?
Five minutes from North Cross Colliery.
The last pit to return to work after the strike.
Yeah, you were police, weren't you?
During the miner's strike?
I resigned. In protest.
What about Brian?
I haven't spoken to my brother in 35 years.
Because of the strike?
Our mates were miners.
People we grew up with.
Brian attacked them.
He arrested them.
Families broke up, people lost their homes,
and Brian got fast-tracked for promotion.
Like I said, scab.
But you're still going to his funeral?
To spit on his grave.
You're ex-police. You have firearms training.
You want to know where I was on the day Brian got shot?
Well? -Right here.
Ask anyone.
How well do you know Heidi Armstrong?
What number was she?
Brian's third wife.
Do you know her?
Not well.
Now, if you'd excuse me,
I've got a funeral to go to.
Bye. See you, Peter.
Kid was here on the day Brian got shot.
Listen, go easy on Kid.
They fell out, but he loved Brian.
"Brian Armstrong was a plague on his community.
A scourge. A cancer."
Doesn't sound much like love.
That article made Brian seem like a saint.
Kid was setting the record straight.
He was speaking for all of us.
Hmm.
Thank you.
Last night, you had Heidi bang to rights, and now...
We've got a whole town full of suspects, yeah.
You reckon Karen was lying?
About Kid's alibi?
All the fanfare around Brian's retirement,
it opened up old wounds.
Maybe Kid didn't just speak for his community.
Yeah, maybe he acted for them.
Bit of a downer, this. -It's a wake.
Yeah, but it's Brian Armstrong's wake.
I thought there might be a party.
You knew him?
Nasty piece of work.
Tried to arrest me once, CND Rally.
What do you mean tried?
Pepper sprayed him in the face.
By the time he could see again, I was long gone.
Does that mean I'm a suspect?
You know, Brian was cheating on Heidi.
Creep.
Look at all these people.
10 times the number who were here for Vinnie.
It's wrong.
You miss him, don't you?
Calamari's gonna burn.
Can I offer you a top up?
-Please. Drinks?
It's a wake.
Have you seen Mum?
The calamari's gonna burn.
Mum?
This has to stop.
We can't stop.
Please.
No.
Not now.
I was looking for you.
Oh, yeah, I just needed a bit of air.
Do you remember that cooking class we did?
Yeah.
When you changed all our menus from cod and chips
-to moules-frites.
And she did it with us.
Do you remember how she wouldn't boil that lobster?
Yeah. I thought I'd have to sign her up for PETA.
What did she do with it after?
I can't remember. Did she put it back in the sea?
Not exactly.
She turned off the gas, she put a lid over the boiling water,
and she said killing it like that would be inhumane.
Well, that's what I told Mike.
She's a sweetheart.
And then she picked up a hammer
and she bashed its brains in.
It's Heidi's.
There's someone there.
Heidi, lock your door, okay?
Call the police. We're on our way.
Where the hell are the police?
Hang on, wait, wait, wait, stop, stop, stop.
Pearl, no. Mum, don't.
No, Pearl. Pearl! Mum, don't.
Pearl!
Gotcha.
Recognize him?
I've never seen him before.
We'll have to assume he's the hit man.
We'll run his image through our database,
see if he's got a record.
Maybe he's a...an ex-con or had beef with Brian.
Let's get you somewhere safe.
Alright, sarge. Cheers, boys.
-Alright. Alright.
Well, well.
The shifty fella.
From the social club.
From the re-enactment.
He had his arm around Heidi when she was sipping her tea.
So they both knew him.
Mike, can I have a word?
Yeah?
Heidi's having an affair with Kid.
I saw them together.
Why didn't you tell me this before?
-Well, I'm telling you now. -No, you didn't want
-to be wrong about Heidi. -Well, I was busy
-looking for your hit man. It's not a competition.
Why are you being so defensive?
You're a chef playing detective.
Doing a better job than you.
'Cause, of course, you got all the evidence
that will hold up in a court of law.
Well, I have some evidence. What have you got?
Oh, really? Some evidence.
What have you got? What have I got?
You two.
Get a room.
Seriously.
I messed up.
Sucks to be you.
Every day.
Keith Boyle at musketballs.co.uk.
Dress up. Be someone else for the day.
It'll do you good.
Charming.
What did Pearl say?
She thinks I stood her up, alright?
-And I didn't. -About the case.
Well, Heidi and Kid are, uh, are having an affair.
Well, there's our motive.
Yeah, and they both knew the hit man.
So why was he skulking around in her garden?
Well, Pearl thinks Heidi might have set it up,
throw us off the scent.
Yeah.
Stay on Heidi, yeah?
Alright.
Don't let her out of your sight.
I'm gonna go and talk with Kid.
Cool.
See ya.
-Oh, Pearl. -Yeah.
Nice to meet you.
I'm whispering 'cause Mum's in the front room
-watching her reruns. -Oh.
Between you and me, I think she's having a dry shower.
Dry shower?
40 winks. Nap.
Oh.
Come in. We can talk properly downstairs.
Okay.
Mother won't hear us now.
What can I get you to drink?
A-A-A-A vessel of mead, perhaps?
That was a joke.
I'm having a fizzy pop.
Would you like one?
Cheers.
Viva la revolution.
Now, what can I do for you?
Um, do you recognize him?
I think he was at your last re-enactment.
Oh. No, sorry.
We had a lot of newbies last time.
Oh, I tell you what though.
I archive all our events.
Comrades send me photos, videos they've taken on their phones.
Super 8 footage.
I can show you if you like.
Thanks.
Ah. I see you've been admiring the flintlock.
Yeah.
Now, these were fatally inaccurate.
But the pike, that was a more efficient weapon.
I'll tell you all about it while my computer warms up.
Shit.
Kid.
Alright?
The facial recognition results came back,
and we have a name and an address.
Aaron Emperor.
He lives in a bedsit in Gravesend.
He's got a record from years back for petty crimes,
but the arresting officer was Brian Armstrong.
This looks like revenge.
First on Brian, then on his family.
No.
Their affair was too much of a coincidence.
Heidi's calmed down,
but when she found out about Kid,
she screamed, she shouted, she couldn't stop crying.
I brought her a cup of tea.
And?
She never touched it.
She loves him.
And it's why she's looked so guilty.
Brian was a serial cheat, but he wasn't going to leave her.
She was going to leave him.
I'm gonna go and see Aaron Emperor.
Keep going, keep going, keep going.
Again and again.
Take it. Take it. Oh, come on.
What you doing?
Yes, yes.
Ah, ref.
-Armed police. -Armed police, show yourself.
Armed police.
Room clear.
-Clear? Yes, Sir.
So the Cavaliers had the numbers.
Uh-huh.
The Roundheads had the higher ground.
Right, so the -- the Roundheads are marching down here,
and the Cavaliers were standing...?
Uh, they were right about here.
And Brian?
Brian was leading the line.
He was slain here.
God rest his soul.
So this guy's Brian and he's marching with the Cavaliers,
and the Roundheads are coming straight for them.
The Roundheads kneel and take aim,
and the Cavaliers follow suit.
But Brian wasn't looking at the Roundheads.
He was looking over there.
He kept looking over there.
Who was over there?
The sniper.
Pearl.
Brian kept looking at the sniper right before he was shot.
He knew he was there.
And Brian wasn't the target of the hit.
Heidi was.
Oh, you knob.
Come on.
Got one...
Come on.
So the sniper killed Brian by mistake?
I don't think so.
Well, I thought Heidi was the target?
Yeah. At first.
Well, what changed?
He tracked Heidi for weeks.
He knew her routine backwards.
And he's got hundreds of photos of her.
They were logistical at first,
but they were looking more obsessive
and intimate, almost loving.
What, he fell in love with her?
Well...
Sounds twisted, but yeah, I think so.
What, and killed Brian instead?
Well...
Men.
Do you remember me?
I brought you a cup of tea at the reenactment.
M-- I mean, afterwards.
I was in shock.
Lots of people came up to me.
I...
I don't remember.
Um, I'm Aaron.
Aaron Emperor.
It's a strange name, I know.
Brian hired me to hurt you,
so I shot him.
-Now, now, now you're safe. -B--
That -- That -- That's what I've been trying to tell you.
You don't need him.
He doesn't deserve you.
-You -- You -- You need to move.
-No. -Please, Heidi.
Heidi, just get out of my way, please.
-No. No. Heidi.
You need to get out of my way.
Aaron!
Aaron Emperor, you're under arrest
for the murder of Brian Armstrong
and the attempted murder of Paul Armstrong.
-It's okay.
You do not have to say anything,
but it may harm your defense if you do not mention
when questioned something which you later rely on in court.
Anything you do say may be given in evidence.
Do you understand?
You alright?
To Heidi and Kid.
And a job well done.
That plaque on the outside of the pub, who's it for?
Famous people.
Who was famous in Whitstable?
Peter Cushing.
Crabzilla.
-Crabzilla?
Yeah, he's a crab the size of a whale.
He's like Whitstable's Loch Ness Monster.
Oh. Is he real?
He's a myth to lure in gullible Londoners.
Oh.
No seriously though, who's the -- the plaque for?
My dad.
Oh, sorry, um...
You're alright. It's fine.
It's not an official one anyway, it's a joke, really,
but it's nice.
And he was sort of famous around here.
He meant a lot in Whitstable.
What was he like?
He knew everyone.
He liked to help people.
He was brave.
One time these kids were struggling out at sea
and he rescued them.
People confided in him. They trusted him.
He'd walk along the seafront and everyone would say hello.
He was everyone's best mate.
I'm making him sound like a hero.
Sounds like you.
There's Dad.
With Vinnie on the left.
There's Dolly, look.
It's going to sound like I'm the worst daughter ever,
but I think she had an affair.
-With who? -With Vinnie.
When? -When I was a kid,
when my dad was still alive.
We were happy, me, my mum, and dad.
That's how I remember it. I...
I don't want to find out that's not true.
Another round?
-Yeah, sounds good. -You get them in.
I'm going to nip to the loo. I'll be back in a minute.
Alright.
Can I get two more of these, please?
Sure.
Cheers.
♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪