(MACHINE WHIRS) Ooh!
Hello. Welcome to Blendology.
Finally. A new cafe.
OK, I'm going to have a small latte, takeaway please.
We don't actually do coffee.
Oh, yes, you do, it's Melbourne. I think it's the law.
Everyone does coffee. Sushi bars do coffee.
The carwash does coffee. You do coffee. Come on!
We're actually a blended beverage bar.
We focus on health and wellness.
Wellness. Is that even a thing?
Mm-hm.
I'm Melcome. Hi, Malcolm.
Melcome. Yeah, that's what I said.
You said 'Malcolm', as in 'talcum'.
It's Melcome, as in 'welcome'.
Oh, OK. Well, hello, Melcome, as in welcome.
I'm Helen, as in smellin'. That's not...
You could try a Kale to the Chief or a Total Nut Job.
That's a bit of fun.
Or a number 12, the Berry Good Time.
Yeah, alright, I'll have a number 12.
A Berry Good Time? Yes, one of those.
Fantastic. And what base would you like?
You could have nut mylk, soy mylk, oat mylk, rice mylk.
Nut mylk.
Almond, macadamia, coconut, cashew?
I could do you a blend.
Hmm.
Morning, Captain. Hi, Helen!
Doing some pre-flight checks? What?
What's this? Oh, it's my gaming headset.
Patched it into the phone system.
Ah, you're a bit of a gamer? I don't really like the word gamer.
Let's just say I've extensive Rubble Runner knowledge.
Is Rubble Runner a game? More a demolition simulator.
You operate machinery, knock stuff down, blow stuff up.
That actually sounds strangely satisfying.
I'm live-streaming a demolition tonight. Are you on Twitch?
Nah, I'm not really looking to meet anyone.
It's a streaming service. I'll sign you up so you can watch me.
Watch you pretend to demolish something?
Yeah, how about I pretend to watch you?
(LAUGHS) Funny. But also a bit ignorant.
Morning. Ooh, hello.
Now, don't forget we have staff training tonight, you two.
Oh, no, I can't, Roz. I've got my live-stream event.
Alright, you're excused. Yeah, can I be excused, too?
'Cause I'm helping George with his live-stream event.
No, you're not. (WHISPERS) Why would you not help me?
Good. 5pm in the meeting room.
Lindy Baxter Smythe from Topline Mediation is coming in.
How good are the blended beverages? Mmm! I'm loving them.
Oh, I'm having a Greengasm.
(WHISPERS) Yuck! Greengasm?
Why would you not say that I can help you in your streaming?
I can help. What would you do?
I... I would work the mouse.
(COPIER WHIRS)
Oh, come on.
Why would you put it here? Now, don't have a fit.
It's not staying in here forever.
When have I ever had a fit?
It's moving to the archive room
as soon as we can work out how to get it in there.
Why can't it go in reception?
I can't have a photocopier roaring away in reception.
It's a public space.
I can't have it roaring away in here either, Roz. It's a private space.
My private space.
I just said don't have a fit, and now here you are, fitting.
Where's your bin?
Hey, there's a lot of heat coming off that thing. Is that normal?
Mm, I think so.
Now do you need me to take you through how to use it?
I really don't. I'm good. I can work it out for myself.
Oh, welcome. Come on in...
George, what do you think? Yeah, it's massive. Is it vintage?
RAY: Roz in here? Everyone's in here.
Hello. Look at this beast.
Yeah. Roz bought a new aircraft carrier.
It's the HP Docufast M90.
Thought we were going to get a compact copier.
That would have been sensible. We were, but then...
I found this one on Gumtree.
Well, you know I love a bargain.
Speaking of which, you still watching
the Queen Anne armoire on eBay?
Yes. Auction ends 3pm.
Hey, maybe we could take the water cooler chat out to the water cooler.
Or does anyone need another blended beverage?
14 bucks for a nut juice? I don't think so.
Jeez, Fisk, you might want to slow down
on the old breakfast milkshakes.
There's a shit-tonne of calories in those things.
Ray, don't fat-shame. Not in this office.
(BEEPING)
And, go.
(BEEPING) Go.
Oh. There you go, Georgie. Well done.
(SLURPS)
Webmaster, you coming?
Leslie. Good to see you again.
This is our webmaster, George.
What have you got there? Oh, don't say Greengasm.
It's a Greengasm, with ginkgo bilbobo.
I feel really focused. Mm-hm?
I'm not sure I even need these.
Sorry, it's really hot in my office.
OK, what can I do for you?
Oh, right, we're straight into it.
I've barely sat down.
How are you, Helen?
Uh. I'm a bit hot, but you know, otherwise, I'm OK.
Mmm.
And how are you, Leslie?
(SIGHS)
I'm fine. Mmm?
You know, still struggling with Mum gone.
For your loss, Leslie. Losing a loved one is really difficult.
Thank you. Oh, I have good days, and bad days.
Yeah. So why don't we try and turn this into one of the good days?
What can I do for you?
Oh, well, Keith Budge is contesting Mum's will.
Right. Yeah.
Who's Keith Budge?
He's the tenant that rents the little granny flat
out the back of Mum's place.
OK, well you can't kick him out. This says he has a two-year lease.
Yeah, I told Mum, "Don't sign anything."
Oh, but would she listen? No, because what would I know?
It's like when I said, "Don't answer the landline, Mum.
"Nobody calls on that but scammers and telemarketers" you know?
So, what exactly is the problem?
Right, well, this Mr Keith Budge
says Mum promised to leave him money in her will.
Well, she didn't. I know.
But could you tell him that, please?
Because he is making a real pest of himself with,
"Oh, where's my money? Your mum promised me some money."
And I say, "Listen, Keith Budge, you listen to me, because..."
Yeah. Hey, do you want me to talk to Keith Budge?
I could talk to him right now and sort this out.
Have you got this number?
I'll give him a call. Yes, yes, of course I have, yes.
Oh, gosh, the ginkgo bilbobo's worn off.
Ah, there it is.
Alright. (PHONE RINGS)
Keith Budge? I represent Leslie Slade.
And I wish to inform you that no provision has been made for you
in her mother's will.
In layman's terms, that means no money for you, mister.
That's right.
Thank you very much.
All good?
Nope. He's lawyered up.
(WHIRS AND BEEPS)
Alright, here we go.
Ink strength. 50% should do it.
A4 paper, and go.
(WHIRS NOISILY)
How are you going with the new copier?
Oh, my God, Helen, you're all sweaty and ruddy in the face.
Did you go out for a jog? In your suit?
No. Roz, it's the photocopier. Can't you feel it?
It's giving off the most ferocious heat.
It is quite warm in here. Maybe we should get a fan.
Oh, yes, please.
I don't want this copier overheating.
Ooh, look, done already.
Oh, you know it scans, too? Yep.
Let me show you. No, thank you.
Where shall we scan to? Someone else's office.
Great idea. Reception.
Yes, now you go and check. Make sure it comes through.
(BUTTONS BEEP) Alright, here I go.
Scanning. (BEEPING)
No, I'm not. I'm not scanning.
Here, I'm scanning. (BEEPING)
I'm not scanning! Have you got a sec, Ray?
Yeah, make it quick. Leave the door open, Fisk.
I had a cabbage soup last night. I'm trying to shift a few pounds.
I've got a reunion coming up.
Getting together with the boys from the old firm -
Dodge, Hawk and Prowsie.
Where's that? Is that in Sydney? What?
Dodge, Hawk and Prowsie. No, they're the guys.
The firm was Walker & Associates.
Dodge, Hawk and Prowsie. And let me guess, who were you?
Were you Grubes? Grubbo? Grub-a-Dub-Dub? GrubeTube?
Stinger. I don't... How does that work?
Ray. Stingray. Stinger. Wow.
Wish I went to private boys' school.
Really don't, Fisk. What do you need?
I need the photocopier out of my office.
What's going on with your face?
You're all red, like an angry emow-ji.
Honestly, I think the photocopier's core is melting down.
It's radiating immense heat.
I'm pretty sure it's not nuclear powered, Fisk.
I can't concentrate
with people coming in and out of my office all day.
Tell me about it. Take it up with Roz.
Ugh. Take what up with Roz?
Oh, for God's sake, you're not still having a fit about the photocopier?
Stop saying 'having a fit.' You're not allowed to say that.
And I'm not even having one.
You sure? You're pretty red in the face.
Now did a scan come through here?
I'm not seeing it.
Oh, for God's sake, Raymond, open a window.
Hey. Don't fart-shame, Roz. Not in this office.
(HEAVY ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
Ooh. Is this the live-stream?
Are we on now? Can they see me?
No, this is just the pre-show.
ZennyChen29?
Yeah. Thank you.
Is that from Blendology? Yep.
You Uber Eats'd it? Yeah.
From downstairs? It's just easier.
(LAUGHS) Whatever. See you.
Where are you going? You've got training, remember?
Yeah. I've got to go take a shower. Look at me.
Well, make sure you come back. Training is really important.
I'm serious. (PHONE RINGS)
Hey, buddy.
(SOOTHING AMBIENT MUSIC PLAYS)
(FARTS) Ooh. Viktor.
That was the mat.
That was the mat squeaking on the floor.
OK. What are you doing home so early?
I just came home to get changed, then I'm going back in.
What's all this?
Well it's getting a bit tricky since you moved in.
This is our yoga studio, after all.
Yes, I know. I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry, be proactive about finding somewhere else to live.
I'm joking, Helen. Right.
So hang on, does that mean you've been coming in here
the whole time I've been living here?
Yes. Who do you think tidies up every day?
Thought we had a cleaner. No, Helen, we don't have staff.
Namaste, Your Honour.
Namaste, Tip. Afternoon, Helen. Hi, Dad.
Are you joining us for yoga? BOTH: No.
GEORGE: Welcome back, everyone.
Thank you so much. We're playing Rubble Runner today.
We're going to try the skid steer out today.
This is a wonderful piece of machinery.
It could get really, really crazy.
Thank you very much, Orion9000.
Sorry I'm late. I've had to duck home and have a shower.
But I'm here now. Go. What are we doing?
Helen. This is Lindy Baxter Smythe from Topline Mediation.
Hey, I... I know you.
You're the... You're the book festival lady.
Oh, guilty as charged.
I do indeed wear many hats -
mediator, executive coach, professional interlocutor,
and, most importantly, mum
to three beautiful ragdoll cats.
But enough about me.
Let's go around the grounds and introduce ourselves.
Hello, I'm Roz.
I too wear many hats -
probate specialist - recently reinstated,
office manager slash director of operations,
keen netballer - goal attack, of course -
and I do enjoy a little bit of decoupage.
Goodness me, that is a lot of hats.
You're like a one-woman hatstand.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Oh, hello, I'm Helen.
And I have a dog.
And I live with my Dad.
Well, not a lot of hats, but some very nice ones.
Thank you, Helen.
Shall we crack on?
First and foremost, mediation is about...
Not clogging up the court system.
It's about listening, with both of these and all of this.
Of course. The heart.
Now, our focus for today's session -
reframe the situation.
Helen, what's your understanding of today's training?
I'm not entirely sure.
Well, perhaps because you haven't been...
Told. ..listening.
You know what? How about we check in on our energy levels?
Out of 10, I'm sitting around an 8.3.
Roz, where are you? Oh, isn't that funny?
I'm exactly the same. 8.3.
(LAUGHS)
Helen.
Uh, I don't understand the question.
(DING!) GEORGE: Thank you.
I love Twitch.
Alright, so now we're gonna destroy a few houses.
These people won't know what hit them.
This is all making sense, Lindy,
and I feel like I knew a lot of it instinctively.
Mmm. You've got a really good feel for mediation.
Now why don't we try and put all this theory on its feet?
What do you say, Helen?
Helen, are you listening?
Are you listening?
Yes, I'm listening, with both of these and one of these.
What are we doing?
I'm after a hypothetical situation,
something that could be resolved
using the techniques we've learned today.
Mm. Ooh. I know.
How about an employee is upset
because they've put a massive photocopier in her office
and it's making the room hotter than the sun.
Not only that, everyone now gathers in there like it's the town square
and she can't get any work done.
Alright, let's go with that.
Mmm, I don't know, Lindy. This feels a bit petty.
Oh, no, 99% of all mediations are petty disputes.
Yeah.
Now, for homework, I would like you
to practise the CALMER techniques,
in particular this one, R for...
Reframe the situation. Well done, Roz.
Well done? It's written on the board.
So with mediation, you really do need to build up the trust.
Whoa! Oh, well done.
Oh! Yes.
Oh, that felt great.
Why don't we reverse that and try it the other way round?
That's it. Good.
And, Roz, do you feel comfortable doing this?
I've done this many times.
Helen. Helen!
Helen, control your dog. It just lunged at me.
Shoo.
Hey, there he is. ZennyChen, Rubble King.
The demolition man.
Saw you on Twitch. Did you watch much?
Yeah, I did. I got into it.
I even went in the chat. Did you see my comment?
You mean. "Hi, George" and the crying face emoji?
Yeah, I was trying to leave a thumbs up,
but then Roz was getting all blah-blah, and I got distracted.
So is this Twitch thing like your side hustle?
I'd say that this job is my side hustle
and Rubble Runner is a lifestyle choice.
Yeah, nice. I'm gonna get it into it. I really had fun.
Oh, and this shop called you back.
They said they do have a brown burkini, but only in size 22.
Bikini or burkini? Burkini.
Excellent! Thank you.
Hi, there. I'm Helen. Hi. Debbie Lim.
This is my client, Keith Budge, but don't engage him directly.
Don't talk to him, talk to me instead, please.
OK.
My client is making a claim for $30,000.
Yeah, I've heard. On what grounds?
Member of household.
Uh, Dorothy and I were intimate partners.
I was supposed to be included in the will.
Oh, I'm sorry. What'd you say?
I should have been included in the will.
Yeah, no, the other bit.
Keith and Dorothy were intimate partners.
Dorothy, Leslie's mother? No, they weren't.
He's just some random guy that rents the granny flat out the back
and sometimes does the garden.
OK, are we done?
Can you prove that they weren't intimate partners?
Can you prove that they were?
Well, we have a sworn affidavit right here.
OK, is that from Dorothy Slade? No, she passed away.
I'm still hurting. I miss her every day.
Thank you so much. Keith. Stop talking.
Yeah, please stop talking.
I said don't talk to my client.
In this affidavit,
Keith has laid out the details of their intimate relationship.
Oh, well, that's nice.
I'll ask you to read from it now, Keith.
"Dorothy Slade, my octo...
"..ge..my, my octogener..."
Octogenarian.
"..octogenarian angel,
"you live on in my heart forever, and also in the topiary bush that
"I sculpted in your image in the front garden."
What? Exhibit A.
"Our mornings were spent lazing in Dorothy's bed,
"enjoying the sun and the closeness of each other's bodies.
"Often, I would feed her honey toast."
Exhibit B. That's a picture of toast.
What does that prove? There's not even honey on it.
Exhibit C.
Honey. Great.
"Afterwards, I would gently brush the crumbs from her night..."
Don't show me a picture of crumbs. I know what crumbs look like.
Sorry, are you seriously claiming to be Dorothy Slade's partner?
Oh, it was more soulmates. It was a real meeting of the minds.
Ugh. Stop talking, please, Keith.
No improvising. Stick to the affidavit.
You got it.
We often gave each other pleasure in the mornings...
Oh, alright! Question for you, Keith.
If you're so familiar with Dorothy's bedroom,
what colour was the bedspread?
I wanna say... Don't answer that.
What about the carpet? What about the curtains?
What colour were they? Oh, both grey.
The carpet matched the curtains. What?
Sorry, are we talking about her pubic hair?
No, we're... No. Oh, my God, I'm talking about the actual carpet.
What colour was the carpet? WAS there carpets?
Were there floorboards? Were there blinds?
Tell me about the room. It's hard to remember.
Yeah, you know why?
'Cause you've never set foot in the house, let alone the bedroom.
I suggest you take this work of fiction
and try and get yourself a book deal.
Do you really want to go to court? Don't you have better things to do?
No. Yes!
I mean, no, I don't want to go to court,
yes, I have better things to do.
Then advise your client to settle,
and this all goes away, just like that.
(SILENT)
Like what?
Like that. (SILENT)
I'm snapping my fingers.
Are you? 'Cause I'm not hearing it.
Listen. Like that. (SILENT)
(SNAP!) Don't snap for me!
Just advise your client to pay up.
I'm actually quite interested in that book deal you mentioned.
Who do I have to speak to about that?
Keith, stop talking.
Let's go. Sorry.
RAY: G'day, chief.
Integrating your personal styles. I like it.
Forgot to pack me shirt.
It's all good. It's quite a practical piece of kit.
Where are the chocolate chip cookies?
I asked Roz to buy boring biscuits so I wouldn't be tempted.
I can't have chocolate. I'm shredding.
If you're after a snack, I might have something back here.
Have a bit of a... A little bit of a rummage.
(RUSTLING)
I'll just take this one. Oh, yeah, go for it.
Twiggy stick! Bit of processed meat.
Strong choice.
(WHIRRING)
Oh, thank you, Roz. Actually, it might be better on this side.
It's not for you.
Don't you move that.
Don't!
Hey, Ray, what do you know about...
Oh! Piew! Stinks of fish in here.
What do you know about Debbie Lim?
Hey, don't get comfortable, Fisk. I'm busy.
You're not busy. You're eating a can of tuna.
Yeah, but I'm thinking about work while I'm eating.
My advice on Debbie Lim - pay her off. Get rid of her.
But her claim is absolute rubbish.
You don't have time to get in a fight with Lim, trust me.
She's an expert at nuisance claims.
What's with the cat food? All part of the big shred.
I'm getting my rig in shape. Gotta lose these last five kegs.
Didn't know you had a rig, Ray.
When I drop the kegs, the rig will reveal itself.
It's like The Block. Rig Reveal Day.
Yes. It's exactly like that!
Yeah, I think he's smarter than he looks.
And I've met the lawyer. She's a bulldog.
Oof. Is it me, or is it really hot in here?
No. I'm sorry, it is really hot in here.
You're right.
It feels like a scam.
Yeah, we call it a nuisance claim.
It's when someone claims an amount small enough that
it's often more cost effective to pay them to go away.
I wouldn't call $30,000 a small amount.
They start high but they'll come down.
What if I could get it down to 10?
Dollars?
Thousand. $10,000.
$10,000?
That's a lot of money.
I could buy a hot tub with that.
Oh, wouldn't you love a hot tub?
No. I've always wanted a hot tub.
Yeah, no.
The thing is, if we let them drag this out,
you won't be able to access any money from your mother's estate
till the claim's settled, and that could take up to two years.
Two years? I know. You could be dead.
Oh, Helen! I'm trying to motivate you to...
No, you are absolutely right. OK, let's do it.
Let's pay him off.
Goddamn flim-flam man.
Pardon my French. Yeah.
So that's a pretty good result, getting them down to 10,000.
Mm, good riddance. I'm glad to see the back of him.
Ooh, just to be clear - Keith Budge isn't going anywhere.
He still has a two year lease on that granny flat.
I thought the whole idea was we pay him to make him go away.
No, we paid to make the claim go away.
But it didn't go away.
He still got $10,000.
OK, let's reframe the situation.
Yes, you paid him $10,000,
but in so doing, you saved yourself at least $10,000 in legal fees.
So when you look at it like that, the $10,000s cancel each other out,
and in fact, nothing actually happened.
Do you think I'm senile?
Do you like the bit where I say my drag name would be Judy,
as in Judge Judy?
Yeah, I do. I'm not sure it belongs in your memoir.
Oh. Hi, Hels.
Ah, Helen, right, now, before you rush off...
I'm not rushing off. Oh, well, good.
I did some measuring this morning
and discovered that our little studio is very close the boundary.
I'm worried the council might tell us to pull it down.
Wow. That feels like a very elaborate way to get me to move out, Viktor.
Oh, Helen, no-one's asking you to move out.
Of course not. I'm not concerned about your father's reputation.
What if a neighbour reported us?
Oh, dear, I can just see the headlines now.
"Judge thinks he's above the law." "Judgement Day for Fisk."
Yeah. Have to be a pretty slow news day, Dad.
Have a look at the clause pertaining to setbacks.
I haven't got my glasses. Can you read it, Helen?
Yes.
You're looking a bit thin, darling.
Are you eating enough? Oh, it's work.
They've put this massive photocopier in my office.
It's turned the place into a sauna. I'm sweating buckets.
Your father's right. You don't want to get gaunt.
Not with that hair. You'll look like a scarecrow.
Do you want some cheesecake?
Get her some cheesecake, Tip.
Yeah, get me some cheesecake, Tip.
I think we're good.
Look, this is a heritage sub-clause. It doesn't apply to this house.
Oh, that's a relief. Mm, isn't it?
I want a big piece, please, Viktor. I'm very thin.
And do you have any of that whipped cream in a can?
I love that stuff.
Is there anything else I can get you?
Oh, I'd love a coffee.
(PHONE RINGS)
Leslie?
Helen Tudor Fisk. Yeah.
I'm sorry to call so late.
Just - quick question.
How old is your mother's house, just roughly?
Ooh. Federation.
Morning, Leslie.
Hello, Helen.
Big day.
Still happy to go ahead?
Yes. I've had a think about it.
I think it's the perfect spot for a hot tub.
If that's what you want. Alrighty, let's do it.
Let's go around the back and wait for George.
And I will give Keith Budge the bad news.
Mm-hm.
(MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY)
Ugh.
Yeah?
Keith Budge. Remember me? Yeah.
According to council regulations,
this studio is too close to the boundary
and my client has no choice but to knock it down.
Oh, I've got a lease.
Mm. Unfortunately, this dwelling is illegal,
which renders your lease null and void.
So what does that mean? It means put your shirt on, buddy.
You got 15 minutes to get out.
What? Or you'll knock my house down?
Not me personally, but I do have ZennyChen, Rubble King, standing by.
I feel powerful, Helen! Attaboy.
Bloody hell. (STARTS ENGINE)
Tick-tock, Keith. Let's get moving.
Standing by!
Oh, appreciate your enthusiasm, but we do have to let him get out.
Hurry up, buddy. I can't hold him off forever.
(REVS ENGINE) He's antsy.
(SHOUTS) Rubble Runner!
(CRASH!)
Fisk, are you shredding? Looks like you've lost a few kegs.
No, it's just water weight.
I'm sweating off kilos because of that stupid photocopier.
Enough said. I'll get it moved.
Thank you.
(WHIRRING)
(INHALES AND EXHALES)
Captions by Red Bee Media
Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation