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(KINGDOM BY JOY CROOKES
PLAYING)
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{\an8}♪ Rolling up to vote
I toke my Benson ♪
3
00:00:56,085 --> 00:00:59,126
{\an8}♪ England's blowing smoke
It needs attention ♪
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00:00:59,126 --> 00:01:02,210
♪ Could use a lick of paint
A change of colour ♪
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00:01:02,918 --> 00:01:04,918
{\an8}(MOBILE PHONE VIBRATING)
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00:01:05,918 --> 00:01:09,168
♪ Think I got a neighbour
that's been feeling blue ♪
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{\an8}♪ But they won't stand down
no matter what you say or do ♪
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{\an8}♪ How d'you learn to love
if you're not taught to? ♪
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♪ How d'you dream
if freedom's on a curfew? ♪
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♪ Paying the price
to live in our skin ♪
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(CROWD CHATTERING)
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♪ Who's got love for the taking? ♪
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{\an8}♪ Who's got heart for the aching? ♪
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♪ No such thing as a kingdom ♪
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♪ When tomorrow's done
for the children ♪
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{\an8}♪ They chop it up and divide ♪
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♪ So meet me at the borderline ♪
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{\an8}♪ Where the burning bridges
have been taking toll ♪
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{\an8}♪ We row, we row
We row the boat ♪
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♪ We row, we row
We row the boat ♪
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Zoe!
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00:02:08,793 --> 00:02:11,085
{\an8}- Aunty Aisha.
- Lovely to see you, Zoe.
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{\an8}You're looking fresh.
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{\an8}- (MOBILE PHONE RINGING)
- Oh. Excuse me. Sorry.
25
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{\an8}Hello. No, no, I can talk.
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She's always going!
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Oh. Oh, right. Um...
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{\an8}Well, can I come in
and discuss this with you?
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{\an8}I have other ideas.
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{\an8}That's great. Okay, goodbye.
31
00:02:31,460 --> 00:02:32,501
Long time no see,
32
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{\an8}Miss award winning
documentary maker.
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{\an8}Can I have your autograph, please?
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Kaz.
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What are you doing up there?
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- Same as always. Sneaky ciggy.
- Oh.
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Come up.
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{\an8}Please don't tell me
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{\an8}your parents still don't know you smoke?
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{\an8}KAZ:
I'm an oncology registrar.
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{\an8}It's not the best look, is it?
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But they're happy
now I'm getting married.
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You are? Hey, congratulations.
44
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- Who's the lucky lady?
- Don't know yet.
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What do you mean?
46
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I'm going old school
on this one.
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00:03:00,751 --> 00:03:02,085
I'm getting
an arranged marriage.
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00:03:02,085 --> 00:03:03,376
"Assisted marriage".
49
00:03:03,376 --> 00:03:05,043
That's what we're calling it
these days.
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00:03:05,418 --> 00:03:06,626
Huh...
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00:03:06,626 --> 00:03:08,668
What, like assisted suicide?
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I can't get my head round
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marrying someone
you don't know.
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It might be easier
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00:03:14,376 --> 00:03:15,876
than marrying someone
you do know.
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00:03:15,876 --> 00:03:16,960
Mmm.
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00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:18,126
Did you never wanna
get married?
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00:03:18,126 --> 00:03:21,168
(SCOFFS) Ooh,
"never" is a bit harsh.
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I'm still interviewing.
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- I haven't yet met the one.
- Ah, the one.
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00:03:25,460 --> 00:03:26,960
You know, just
someone who I could commit
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to watching a whole
TV series with, would be nice.
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Be nice.
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Hey, where's your little
sister? I haven't seen her.
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- Jamila?
- Yeah.
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- She couldn't make it.
- (PEOPLE CHEERING)
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Sounds like
it's kicking off in there.
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We should...
Let's go back inside.
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I'm gonna have
to find a new hiding place.
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They're cutting down the tree.
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- No?
- Yeah.
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That's... That's so sad!
This is our tree!
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I know. Come on.
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(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS)
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Look at Farooq. He's so happy.
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ZOE: Oh, God. Mum dancing.
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- Thank you, Aisha, darling.
- (WOMEN WHOOPING)
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That was just heaven.
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I'll be back
for a gupshup tomorrow.
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ZOE: Bye.
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00:04:06,793 --> 00:04:08,335
- Oh.
- (ZOE SIGHS LOUDLY)
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00:04:08,335 --> 00:04:10,751
Wasn't it just
so wonderfully exotic?
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I felt... I felt like some
sort of glorious concubine.
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ZOE: Exotic meaning
good foreign rather than
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00:04:16,584 --> 00:04:18,126
- threatening foreign.
- Yeah, exactly.
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Cath, I forgot to give you
some biryani.
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Oh, darling,
thank you so much.
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Oh! I cannot believe
that you did not tell me
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that Kaz has asked you
to find him a wife.
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Oh, my God. You are so lucky.
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Zoe would kill me if I even
tried to choose her clothes,
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let alone a husband.
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That's because you'd choose
someone ill-fitting
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- and insist I grow into him.
- That's mean.
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- That's what you would do.
- Stop it, both...
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- (LAUGHS)
- Bye-bye.
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- Goodnight.
- Thank you, sweetheart.
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- ZOE: Night, Mum.
- Bye, darling. Buckle up.
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So, Zoe, we loved your doc.
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Oh, loved it.
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- Kids in care?
- Yes, that one.
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That's great.
Because I was hoping...
103
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Unfortunately,
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00:05:02,001 --> 00:05:04,835
your ideas
for your next one...
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00:05:04,835 --> 00:05:08,335
The bankruptcy courts,
honour killings...
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They're a bit bleak.
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- Downbeat.
- Yeah. And, you know...
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Your scratchier,
darker stuff...
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- Which we love.
- We love it
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right down to the bones.
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- Yeah.
- But...
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It's not really rating
for us right now.
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I think, look,
what we're after
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is sort of more upbeat...
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- OLLY: Yeah.
- Character-led stories.
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- Warm heart...
- Yeah.
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00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:27,543
OLLY: Um, feel-good, really.
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And we were
kind of brainstorming,
119
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and we think
that there probably isn't
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a feel-good version
of honour killings.
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00:05:34,543 --> 00:05:36,585
- Probably not.
- But, er...
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Thank you very much
for coming in.
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OLLY: We've connected now.
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SAM: Look, we've got
your details now.
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So, silver lining.
Always look at the upside.
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ZOE: Actually, hang on.
(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)
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Arranged marriages in modern
multi-cultural Britain.
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- Sorry, I wasn't listening...
- I'm sorry...
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I was just explaining
that my childhood friend
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whose parents
are from Pakistan...
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He was born in Pakistan? Cool.
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No, he was born here.
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But he lived literally
next door to me,
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and we grew up together.
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And he's just decided
to have an arranged marriage.
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I could follow him
on his journey
137
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to marry a stranger
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chosen by his parents.
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What's he... What's he like?
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Well, he's great,
he's funny, good-looking.
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00:06:19,043 --> 00:06:20,918
- Funny's good.
- Really funny!
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Kind. Er, you know...
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Literally, the last person
you'd ever expect
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to do something like this.
145
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I could interview
other British couples
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who've also had
arranged marriages.
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Um, older, younger,
happy, unhappy.
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Yeah, like in
When Harry Met Sally.
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Ooh, erm, don't you mean
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00:06:36,001 --> 00:06:38,001
When Harry Was Forced
To Meet Sally?
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00:06:38,001 --> 00:06:39,626
- (CHUCKLES) Right. Nice.
- (CHUCKLES)
152
00:06:39,626 --> 00:06:43,126
Well, this isn't
a forced marriage, actually.
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This is his idea.
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00:06:44,418 --> 00:06:46,793
My Big Fat Arranged Wedding.
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Instead of Greek, yeah.
Oh, love it.
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Everyone thinks
that arranged marriages
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are some sort of
mediaeval chattel swap,
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but actually they've evolved
159
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into what's called
assisted marriage
160
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with the parents
just suggesting someone
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00:07:01,418 --> 00:07:03,085
who they think would be
a good match.
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Yeah, love that.
Absolutely love that.
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Now, I'm just thinking.
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Meet The Parents First.
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- (OLLY LAUGHS)
- Meet The Parents First.
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00:07:09,918 --> 00:07:11,168
- Right. Erm, Or, erm...
- It's called Meet The Parents.
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00:07:11,168 --> 00:07:14,210
I Hope She's
A Pretty Woman.
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00:07:14,918 --> 00:07:16,043
(OLLY AND SAM CHUCKLE)
169
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Love Contractually.
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00:07:23,085 --> 00:07:24,793
- I Love Actually it.
- Yeah.
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I mean, think about it.
You got... You got eth, tick.
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Female director. Double tick.
173
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Huh!
174
00:07:33,126 --> 00:07:34,168
Wow.
175
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Are him
and his family on board?
176
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Totally.
177
00:07:42,543 --> 00:07:43,751
Absolutely not. No.
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00:07:43,751 --> 00:07:46,043
ZOE: Come on, Kaz. I'm down
on my knees. I'm begging you.
179
00:07:46,043 --> 00:07:47,460
Out of the question, Zoe.
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Kaz, will you please just
do this for me?
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Zoe...
182
00:07:50,501 --> 00:07:52,793
-Please!
- I can't talk right now.
183
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I don't know if you've heard,
184
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but I'm an award-winning
documentary film-maker.
185
00:07:56,335 --> 00:07:58,293
- Yeah. I did hear that, yeah.
- (ZOE CHUCKLES)
186
00:07:58,293 --> 00:07:59,751
ZOE: Also, aren't you...
I mean, listen...
187
00:07:59,751 --> 00:08:01,418
Aren't you proud
to be a Muslim?
188
00:08:01,418 --> 00:08:03,543
Of course I'm a proud Muslim.
189
00:08:04,793 --> 00:08:06,918
ZOE: Yeah, then wouldn't it be
a good thing to see
190
00:08:06,918 --> 00:08:08,585
someone like you
on TV for once?
191
00:08:08,585 --> 00:08:11,043
Don't extremist madmen
make more entertaining TV?
192
00:08:11,043 --> 00:08:13,335
No, it's important.
Come on, Kaz, please.
193
00:08:13,335 --> 00:08:14,501
We'll get to hang out,
194
00:08:14,501 --> 00:08:15,668
we'll get to spend
some time together.
195
00:08:15,668 --> 00:08:17,751
It'll be fun. Like old times.
196
00:08:17,751 --> 00:08:19,085
Old times? I just remember you
197
00:08:19,085 --> 00:08:21,001
and my sister constantly
trying to shake me off.
198
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:23,043
- Does that sound a bit weird?
- (ZOE LAUGHS)
199
00:08:24,085 --> 00:08:25,585
Come on, please.
200
00:08:25,585 --> 00:08:27,460
Oh, God, Zoe, stop.
201
00:08:27,460 --> 00:08:28,626
You owe me.
202
00:08:28,626 --> 00:08:30,001
I never told Aunty Aisha
203
00:08:30,001 --> 00:08:31,293
what you got up to
in that treehouse.
204
00:08:32,085 --> 00:08:33,543
KAZ: All right.
Well, what about this?
205
00:08:33,543 --> 00:08:35,750
We'll meet up,
play a little table tennis.
206
00:08:35,750 --> 00:08:37,875
And if you beat me,
I'll think about it.
207
00:08:37,875 --> 00:08:39,835
Yeah. Sounds good.
No pressure.
208
00:08:39,835 --> 00:08:41,460
Let's go, let's go,
let's go, let's go.
209
00:08:42,543 --> 00:08:43,585
I'm getting...
It's been a while
210
00:08:43,585 --> 00:08:45,126
since I've played this.
211
00:08:45,835 --> 00:08:49,418
Er, dare I ask?
What about love?
212
00:08:50,085 --> 00:08:52,418
It's just a different way
of getting there.
213
00:08:52,418 --> 00:08:53,793
You don't have
to start with love.
214
00:08:53,793 --> 00:08:55,085
You end with love. You know?
215
00:08:55,085 --> 00:08:56,168
And over time,
216
00:08:56,168 --> 00:08:58,543
you grow to love the person
you're with.
217
00:08:58,543 --> 00:09:00,876
Hmm. What?
Like Stockholm Syndrome?
218
00:09:02,168 --> 00:09:04,335
You know, my parents aren't
making me do this.
219
00:09:04,335 --> 00:09:06,626
No, I know.
That's why I'm so surprised.
220
00:09:08,335 --> 00:09:11,126
Do you know what the UK
divorce rate is? I found out.
221
00:09:11,126 --> 00:09:12,210
No. Er, 50%?
222
00:09:12,918 --> 00:09:14,710
- 55%.
- (CHUCKLES)
223
00:09:14,710 --> 00:09:17,293
And guess what it is for
Arranged marriages? 6%. Boom.
224
00:09:18,876 --> 00:09:20,710
Thing is, Zoe,
I've seen it work.
225
00:09:20,710 --> 00:09:22,751
I want my kids to have
what I had. Stability.
226
00:09:22,751 --> 00:09:24,585
Marriage isn't just about
two people being in love.
227
00:09:24,585 --> 00:09:26,793
It's a bigger thing than that.
228
00:09:26,793 --> 00:09:28,710
It's about what's best
for children,
229
00:09:28,710 --> 00:09:30,585
and the whole family. Society.
230
00:09:30,585 --> 00:09:32,210
Just say all that weird,
old-fashioned,
231
00:09:32,210 --> 00:09:33,876
conventional shit on camera.
232
00:09:33,876 --> 00:09:35,751
- Fuck, that is so annoying.
- (ZOE LAUGHING)
233
00:09:36,835 --> 00:09:38,626
If I win this rally, right,
234
00:09:39,210 --> 00:09:40,876
you're doing the film.
(LAUGHS)
235
00:09:40,876 --> 00:09:42,418
- (GROANS)
- (YELLS) Yes!
236
00:09:42,418 --> 00:09:44,168
God.
237
00:09:44,168 --> 00:09:45,626
You know where we're going.
I just told you.
238
00:09:45,626 --> 00:09:46,751
I know. But just say it
for the camera.
239
00:09:46,751 --> 00:09:47,918
And look in my eyes.
240
00:09:47,918 --> 00:09:50,043
- What, down to you?
- Yeah, tell me.
241
00:09:50,043 --> 00:09:52,876
Can you give me two seconds?
It's literally just here.
242
00:09:52,876 --> 00:09:54,710
ZOE: And how is this
243
00:09:54,710 --> 00:09:58,001
any different from, say,
dating apps?
244
00:09:58,543 --> 00:10:01,793
Well, I guess you could say
it's kind of like a bespoke,
245
00:10:01,793 --> 00:10:05,376
3D halal Tinder,
operated by your parents.
246
00:10:06,460 --> 00:10:07,918
I'm Aisha Khan.
247
00:10:07,918 --> 00:10:10,793
I'm the cultural consultant on
this very positive documentary
248
00:10:10,793 --> 00:10:12,335
- on arranged marriage.
- ZOE: Great.
249
00:10:12,335 --> 00:10:13,460
If you could just, um,
250
00:10:13,460 --> 00:10:14,876
- ignore the camera.
- MAN: Hi, guys.
251
00:10:15,626 --> 00:10:18,960
Salam aleikum. Mo here.
Mo the matchmaker.
252
00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:21,293
And if you're looking for
a suitable match for your son,
253
00:10:21,293 --> 00:10:22,960
then you've come
to the right place.
254
00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:24,626
We do daughters as well.
255
00:10:24,626 --> 00:10:25,835
Again, just...
You can just pretend
256
00:10:25,835 --> 00:10:27,626
I'm not here.
Sorry, I'm invisible.
257
00:10:27,626 --> 00:10:30,460
Natural. Bring it down
a little bit. Sure, okay.
258
00:10:30,460 --> 00:10:31,585
Okay.
259
00:10:33,251 --> 00:10:36,501
So, platinum services,
they also include me
260
00:10:36,501 --> 00:10:38,376
checking out
the girl's family.
261
00:10:38,376 --> 00:10:39,835
Seeing that she's
from a good family home,
262
00:10:39,835 --> 00:10:40,460
nice, tidy, clean.
263
00:10:40,460 --> 00:10:42,418
Okay. So, guys, tell me,
264
00:10:42,418 --> 00:10:45,210
what kind of lovely lady
are we looking for today?
265
00:10:45,210 --> 00:10:47,960
Someone intelligent
and attractive
266
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:49,835
and who I click with,
I suppose.
267
00:10:49,835 --> 00:10:52,001
People keep talking
about this click. You know?
268
00:10:52,001 --> 00:10:53,626
He needs a companion,
not a click.
269
00:10:53,626 --> 00:10:55,918
You know, just someone
who can tolerate my parents.
270
00:10:55,918 --> 00:10:57,960
You know, a girl
from the same background.
271
00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:00,293
Soft-spoken, long hair.
272
00:11:00,293 --> 00:11:01,626
Er, not too dark.
273
00:11:01,626 --> 00:11:03,668
Wheatish complexion,
at the most.
274
00:11:03,668 --> 00:11:05,001
Wheat, beige?
275
00:11:05,001 --> 00:11:06,626
Did you bring your
Pantone colour chart?
276
00:11:07,251 --> 00:11:08,918
Be serious about this, okay?
277
00:11:08,918 --> 00:11:11,543
Brother, have a look at these
and tell me what you think.
278
00:11:11,543 --> 00:11:13,793
- No photos?
- No photos yet.
279
00:11:13,793 --> 00:11:15,626
Think about it,
if she's too fit,
280
00:11:15,626 --> 00:11:17,501
then you won't know
if she's a good fit.
281
00:11:17,501 --> 00:11:18,918
You're gonna see the picture.
282
00:11:18,918 --> 00:11:20,918
Yeah. You're thinking
with your little...
283
00:11:20,918 --> 00:11:23,585
You need to be thinking
with your... Okay?
284
00:11:24,335 --> 00:11:25,876
So, religious observance.
285
00:11:25,876 --> 00:11:28,085
Do you want practising,
moderately practising?
286
00:11:28,085 --> 00:11:30,460
- Practising.
- Not too conservative.
287
00:11:30,460 --> 00:11:31,918
And beard or no beard?
288
00:11:31,918 --> 00:11:33,168
What?
289
00:11:34,251 --> 00:11:37,043
Uh, wrong list.
Sorry, give that back.
290
00:11:37,460 --> 00:11:38,585
Sorry.
291
00:11:38,585 --> 00:11:41,751
Um, okay, and modesty,
are we talking hijab?
292
00:11:41,751 --> 00:11:44,043
Are we talking niqab?
Are we talking jilbab?
293
00:11:44,043 --> 00:11:45,168
Niqab is not necessary.
294
00:11:45,168 --> 00:11:47,251
We are a modern family
after all.
295
00:11:47,251 --> 00:11:49,668
Okay. Now, do we want
a housewife kind of lady,
296
00:11:49,668 --> 00:11:51,001
or do we want career lady?
297
00:11:51,001 --> 00:11:53,168
KAZ: Seriously, as long as
we're on the same wavelength,
298
00:11:53,168 --> 00:11:54,710
and we have things
in common...
299
00:11:54,710 --> 00:11:55,876
But not too ambitious,
300
00:11:55,876 --> 00:11:58,251
or too much into this, er,
women's lib.
301
00:11:58,251 --> 00:11:59,460
(REASSURES IN URDU)
302
00:11:59,460 --> 00:12:01,501
And, er, community?
303
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:04,085
- Pakistani.
- We're open to any background.
304
00:12:04,085 --> 00:12:05,335
But they just said Pakistan.
305
00:12:05,335 --> 00:12:07,460
- As long as she's Muslim.
- ZAHID: But not Indian.
306
00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:10,835
Punjabi, Sindhi, Balochi.
All these are okay.
307
00:12:10,835 --> 00:12:12,251
- Sure, cool.
- AISHA: Actually, it would
308
00:12:12,251 --> 00:12:15,085
be best if she is a, you know,
Jalandhar KPK Pathan mix.
309
00:12:15,085 --> 00:12:16,793
This is getting kind of niche.
310
00:12:16,793 --> 00:12:18,626
Okay, and what's, er...
What's your education, bro?
311
00:12:18,626 --> 00:12:20,501
Bachelors in Biology.
Then medical school.
312
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:22,751
- He's a doctor.
- Oof.
313
00:12:22,751 --> 00:12:24,043
Listen, top of the food chain.
314
00:12:24,043 --> 00:12:25,460
- See?
- MO: Easy.
315
00:12:25,460 --> 00:12:27,126
And any vices
I should know about?
316
00:12:27,126 --> 00:12:28,543
Any drinking, smoking?
317
00:12:28,543 --> 00:12:30,585
Dogging? S and M?
Anything like that?
318
00:12:30,585 --> 00:12:32,001
- None.
- No.
319
00:12:32,001 --> 00:12:32,793
Okay, Uncle, Aunty,
320
00:12:32,793 --> 00:12:34,543
I will find your son
a brilliant match.
321
00:12:34,543 --> 00:12:36,335
You don't worry about that.
Thank you very much.
322
00:12:36,335 --> 00:12:37,918
Thank you very much.
323
00:12:37,918 --> 00:12:38,876
No dogs, no pets.
324
00:12:38,876 --> 00:12:41,501
No, no. Dogging means
something... Don't worry.
325
00:12:41,501 --> 00:12:42,918
ZAHID: Cats are okay.
MO: Cats?
326
00:12:42,918 --> 00:12:45,001
I'll write that down. "Cats".
327
00:12:46,376 --> 00:12:48,376
We met on our wedding day.
328
00:12:49,418 --> 00:12:51,585
My parents, you know,
they showed me her photograph
329
00:12:51,585 --> 00:12:53,960
and I said, "Okay, it's fine."
330
00:12:55,376 --> 00:12:56,626
My mother asked me,
but I said,
331
00:12:56,626 --> 00:13:00,043
"No, you choose.
So, later I can blame you."
332
00:13:01,043 --> 00:13:04,168
Her father was Deputy
Commissioner of the district,
333
00:13:04,168 --> 00:13:07,085
and my father was a doctor
in the same village.
334
00:13:07,085 --> 00:13:08,210
They were friends,
335
00:13:08,210 --> 00:13:09,835
so, they arranged
the marriage.
336
00:13:10,543 --> 00:13:12,168
I remember, on the wedding,
337
00:13:12,168 --> 00:13:15,126
we were sitting on the stage
and the lights went out.
338
00:13:15,543 --> 00:13:18,293
In Pakistan, there is
an electricity problem.
339
00:13:18,293 --> 00:13:19,793
And she got scared,
340
00:13:19,793 --> 00:13:21,168
so I leaned over to her
and said,
341
00:13:21,168 --> 00:13:23,085
"Don't worry, it's nothing."
342
00:13:25,210 --> 00:13:26,793
Then I felt okay.
343
00:13:27,335 --> 00:13:29,668
After that,
it was simple sailing.
344
00:13:31,335 --> 00:13:33,876
You know,
when the lights came on,
345
00:13:33,876 --> 00:13:35,918
I felt he was looking at me.
346
00:13:39,376 --> 00:13:41,418
She looked tip-top.
347
00:13:41,418 --> 00:13:43,043
I thought to myself,
348
00:13:43,043 --> 00:13:46,168
"They made
a first-class choice."
349
00:13:48,001 --> 00:13:50,293
(INCAPABLE BY RÓISÍN MURPHY PLAYING)
♪ Gone cold ♪
350
00:13:51,585 --> 00:13:53,751
♪ It's horrible weather ♪
351
00:13:56,710 --> 00:13:58,126
♪ It's gone stone cold ♪
352
00:13:58,126 --> 00:14:02,043
♪ And you know
we should've got it together ♪
353
00:14:02,835 --> 00:14:04,835
(MOBILE PHONE CHIMES)
354
00:14:05,335 --> 00:14:07,126
♪ Well, it's nice ♪
355
00:14:08,751 --> 00:14:10,876
♪ It's nice to be wanted ♪
356
00:14:10,876 --> 00:14:13,293
{\an8}ZOE: What was wrong with him?
He looked nice.
357
00:14:13,293 --> 00:14:15,126
{\an8}- GIRLS: No!
- Him, him. Stop.
358
00:14:15,126 --> 00:14:17,085
He's hot enough
that I'll overlook
359
00:14:17,085 --> 00:14:18,585
that inspirational quote.
360
00:14:18,585 --> 00:14:21,251
LILY: "My mantra is..."
361
00:14:21,251 --> 00:14:22,793
No.
362
00:14:22,793 --> 00:14:25,126
"...you have
to endure the rain
363
00:14:25,126 --> 00:14:27,918
"if you want
to see the rainbow."
364
00:14:27,918 --> 00:14:29,210
What does that mean?
365
00:14:29,210 --> 00:14:31,085
It means I'll have to toss
a Viagra in his mouth
366
00:14:31,085 --> 00:14:32,210
- when he's talking.
- (DOORBELL RINGS)
367
00:14:32,210 --> 00:14:33,710
Daddy's home.
368
00:14:33,710 --> 00:14:36,210
LILY: Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!
MAUD: Daddy!
369
00:14:36,210 --> 00:14:37,668
ZOE: What are you doing?
370
00:14:37,668 --> 00:14:40,001
I thought the one upside
to getting married
371
00:14:40,001 --> 00:14:41,543
is that you get
to let yourself go?
372
00:14:41,543 --> 00:14:42,960
MAUD: Yeah, what's a Viagra?
373
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:44,543
Aunty Zoe here, by any chance?
374
00:14:44,543 --> 00:14:46,251
ZOE: I'll go read to the kids
375
00:14:46,251 --> 00:14:47,335
so you can enjoy
some alone time.
376
00:14:47,335 --> 00:14:50,418
Oh, shut up.
Nothing inappropriate, please!
377
00:14:50,418 --> 00:14:52,126
- Mmm-mmm. Never.
- (HELENA CHUCKLES)
378
00:14:52,710 --> 00:14:54,376
Come on. Come here.
379
00:14:54,835 --> 00:14:56,751
Once upon a time...
380
00:14:57,168 --> 00:14:59,918
He can come and listen to me
on my shoulder.
381
00:14:59,918 --> 00:15:01,585
- Ready?
- Yes.
382
00:15:01,585 --> 00:15:03,501
Oh, come here, Maud.
383
00:15:03,501 --> 00:15:04,710
Once upon a time,
384
00:15:04,710 --> 00:15:07,501
there was a girl
and she met a frog.
385
00:15:07,501 --> 00:15:09,668
And he promised her
386
00:15:09,668 --> 00:15:12,001
(IN CARTOONISH VOICE)
"If you kiss me,
387
00:15:12,001 --> 00:15:14,668
"I'll turn into
a handsome prince."
388
00:15:14,668 --> 00:15:16,043
(IMITATES FROG CROAKING)
389
00:15:16,043 --> 00:15:17,876
(IN NORMAL VOICE) And
she said, "I'm not interested
390
00:15:17,876 --> 00:15:20,168
"in fixing anyone but myself.
391
00:15:20,168 --> 00:15:22,001
"And anyway,
392
00:15:22,001 --> 00:15:24,876
"I'd far rather have a cool,
393
00:15:24,876 --> 00:15:28,001
"talking frog
than a boring old prince."
394
00:15:28,001 --> 00:15:30,335
- (CHUCKLES)
- That's not a good story.
395
00:15:30,335 --> 00:15:31,668
Do Cinderella.
396
00:15:31,668 --> 00:15:34,501
All right, I'll do Cinderella,
if you're in bed in
397
00:15:34,501 --> 00:15:37,293
five, four, three, two...
398
00:15:37,293 --> 00:15:38,626
Once upon a time,
399
00:15:38,626 --> 00:15:41,043
Cinderella met
a handsome prince.
400
00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:44,126
And sometimes, kids,
you meet someone,
401
00:15:44,126 --> 00:15:45,710
and you know in a heartbeat
402
00:15:45,710 --> 00:15:48,293
that you want
to spend the rest of your life
403
00:15:49,460 --> 00:15:50,626
without them.
404
00:15:52,876 --> 00:15:55,251
Once upon another time,
405
00:15:55,251 --> 00:15:56,501
Cinderella met another prince.
406
00:15:56,501 --> 00:15:58,585
- You can probably tell...
- ZOE: Because in fairy tales,
407
00:15:58,585 --> 00:16:00,751
a heroine is incomplete
without one.
408
00:16:00,751 --> 00:16:02,251
...how well I've done
out of everything,
409
00:16:02,251 --> 00:16:03,793
And do you know what?
410
00:16:03,793 --> 00:16:05,168
You'd be bloody right, actually.
411
00:16:05,168 --> 00:16:08,043
ZOE: And another prince.
412
00:16:11,001 --> 00:16:13,293
And he asked her to marry him.
413
00:16:14,710 --> 00:16:16,210
And she said,
414
00:16:17,335 --> 00:16:18,418
"No".
415
00:16:19,126 --> 00:16:21,418
Cinderella focused
on glass ceilings
416
00:16:21,418 --> 00:16:22,751
instead of glass slippers,
417
00:16:22,751 --> 00:16:24,251
which means she focused on work
418
00:16:24,251 --> 00:16:28,251
and realised she was fine
without a boring old prince.
419
00:16:28,251 --> 00:16:29,710
The End.
420
00:16:34,668 --> 00:16:37,043
Check, one, two...
(CLEARS THROAT)
421
00:16:37,043 --> 00:16:39,793
Asalam aleikum,
brothers and sisters.
422
00:16:39,793 --> 00:16:41,793
Welcome to this very,
423
00:16:41,793 --> 00:16:44,168
very special Muslim
marriage event.
424
00:16:44,168 --> 00:16:47,126
I go by the name
of Mo the Matchmaker.
425
00:16:47,126 --> 00:16:49,460
And I'm here
to find you a match. (LAUGHS)
426
00:16:49,460 --> 00:16:53,460
We are gonna end the spinster
crisis together, guys.
427
00:16:53,460 --> 00:16:54,835
Come on.
428
00:16:54,835 --> 00:16:56,168
There's someone
out there for everyone.
429
00:16:56,168 --> 00:16:57,876
And we all have needs.
430
00:16:57,876 --> 00:17:01,168
Divorcees. Disabled people.
431
00:17:01,168 --> 00:17:02,585
Women over 30.
432
00:17:03,918 --> 00:17:05,126
Okay, brothers,
433
00:17:05,126 --> 00:17:06,251
you may now approach
434
00:17:06,251 --> 00:17:08,293
any sisters
that you like the look of.
435
00:17:08,293 --> 00:17:10,793
Good. Rotate. Very nice.
436
00:17:10,793 --> 00:17:12,043
Oh, look at that chemistry.
437
00:17:12,043 --> 00:17:13,709
We keep it halal, here.
We keep it halal.
438
00:17:13,709 --> 00:17:15,501
Be honest. You're not
gonna get what you want
439
00:17:15,501 --> 00:17:17,043
if you don't say
what you want.
440
00:17:17,043 --> 00:17:19,626
Guys, you want a good cook,
say you want your Nigella.
441
00:17:19,626 --> 00:17:21,209
Girls, you want the money man,
442
00:17:21,209 --> 00:17:22,751
say, "I'm looking
for my Elon Musk."
443
00:17:22,751 --> 00:17:25,043
Use your best lines.
444
00:17:25,709 --> 00:17:28,459
Now we are gonna
form a circle of ten.
445
00:17:28,459 --> 00:17:31,251
Five guys, five girls.
Chaperones at the back.
446
00:17:31,251 --> 00:17:33,293
Come on, guys, let's do it.
447
00:17:34,210 --> 00:17:35,918
Your parents are gonna be
so happy, trust me.
448
00:17:35,918 --> 00:17:37,543
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
449
00:17:37,543 --> 00:17:38,710
Come on.
450
00:17:38,710 --> 00:17:40,376
And, guys,
I want you to be honest, okay?
451
00:17:40,376 --> 00:17:42,793
Is this your first time?
452
00:17:42,793 --> 00:17:46,293
(SCOFFS) Mate, here,
it's everyone's first time.
453
00:17:46,293 --> 00:17:48,085
At least that's what
they'll tell you.
454
00:17:48,876 --> 00:17:49,960
- (CHUCKLES)
- Boys, boys, boys.
455
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:52,126
What's going on? Why are you
talking to each other?
456
00:17:52,126 --> 00:17:53,835
There's girls here. Okay?
457
00:17:53,835 --> 00:17:56,293
Unless you want marriage
outside of Islamic sharia,
458
00:17:56,293 --> 00:17:58,210
I suggest you stop talking
to the same sex.
459
00:17:58,210 --> 00:18:00,001
All right, boys? Enjoy.
460
00:18:00,001 --> 00:18:02,085
I'm looking for someone
who has patience
461
00:18:02,085 --> 00:18:03,626
and an understanding
of culture.
462
00:18:03,626 --> 00:18:06,835
Someone who's supportive
and honest,
463
00:18:06,835 --> 00:18:07,960
who likes to travel.
464
00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:09,918
Well, just someone
who's great.
465
00:18:09,918 --> 00:18:11,626
And who's British enough
for me,
466
00:18:11,626 --> 00:18:13,626
and, er, Pakistani enough
for my family.
467
00:18:14,626 --> 00:18:17,626
Someone down to earth
with a sense of humour,
468
00:18:17,626 --> 00:18:19,626
who will encourage me
in my religion.
469
00:18:21,460 --> 00:18:22,501
Where are you from?
470
00:18:22,501 --> 00:18:24,376
Erm, Birmingham.
How about you?
471
00:18:24,376 --> 00:18:26,168
Well, I'm from...
Well, I'm from London.
472
00:18:27,168 --> 00:18:29,460
- What do you do?
- I'm a banker.
473
00:18:29,460 --> 00:18:31,668
- What do you do?
- I... Well, I'm a doctor.
474
00:18:33,918 --> 00:18:34,918
(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)
475
00:18:36,460 --> 00:18:38,043
ZOE: Oh, Kaz.
476
00:18:38,751 --> 00:18:41,251
Isn't this a massive,
crazy gamble?
477
00:18:41,251 --> 00:18:42,668
I mean... (SIGHS)
478
00:18:43,126 --> 00:18:45,626
(STUTTERS)
What if there's no chemistry?
479
00:18:46,210 --> 00:18:47,751
How are you even gonna know,
480
00:18:47,751 --> 00:18:49,168
if you don't believe in sex
before marriage
481
00:18:49,168 --> 00:18:50,585
all of a sudden?
482
00:18:50,585 --> 00:18:53,710
I'm not sure I believe in sex
after marriage.
483
00:18:53,710 --> 00:18:56,251
Most of my friends have
no sex after marriage.
484
00:18:56,251 --> 00:18:57,585
And that's with the loves
of their lives.
485
00:18:57,585 --> 00:19:00,543
That's a fair point.
It's depressing.
486
00:19:02,376 --> 00:19:04,376
I think you can usually tell
487
00:19:04,376 --> 00:19:06,126
if the sex would work.
488
00:19:10,418 --> 00:19:12,210
(CHUCKLES)
489
00:19:12,210 --> 00:19:14,793
Do you wanna go
and get a drink?
490
00:19:14,793 --> 00:19:16,668
A Bloody Mary for me,
and a Virgin for you.
491
00:19:19,460 --> 00:19:21,085
I've got lunch
with my parents.
492
00:19:21,085 --> 00:19:23,335
- Oh.
- It's Mother's Day.
493
00:19:23,835 --> 00:19:25,043
Oh, shit.
494
00:19:27,626 --> 00:19:29,210
(ZOE SIGHS)
495
00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:31,501
- KAZ: See you tomorrow.
- Yeah. (CLEARS THROAT)
496
00:19:32,751 --> 00:19:33,876
- Bye.
- Bye.
497
00:19:41,668 --> 00:19:43,335
(BLESSING IN URDU)
498
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:45,043
(IN ENGLISH) Hi, Zoe.
499
00:19:45,043 --> 00:19:47,376
Ah! Allah kum salam,
Aunty Aisha.
500
00:19:47,376 --> 00:19:49,626
- (LAUGHS)
- What?
501
00:19:49,626 --> 00:19:50,960
You still can't say it.
It's...
502
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:52,585
Asalam aleikum, Aisha.
503
00:19:52,585 --> 00:19:53,668
There you go.
504
00:19:53,668 --> 00:19:55,210
That's exactly
what I just said.
505
00:19:55,210 --> 00:19:57,126
Happy Mother's Day.
506
00:19:57,126 --> 00:19:59,085
CATH: Wish I could say
the same to you.
507
00:19:59,085 --> 00:20:01,918
I was just saying I wish
I could say the same to her.
508
00:20:01,918 --> 00:20:04,501
- Inshallah.
- CATH: Fat chance of that.
509
00:20:04,501 --> 00:20:06,751
I cannot, for the life of me,
510
00:20:06,751 --> 00:20:08,335
find my other
washing-up glove.
511
00:20:08,335 --> 00:20:10,460
And these are new.
I've looked everywhere.
512
00:20:10,460 --> 00:20:12,251
Gosh, hasn't Kazim
got so good...
513
00:20:12,251 --> 00:20:13,585
Where are you? Oh.
514
00:20:13,585 --> 00:20:15,418
...so good-looking?
515
00:20:15,418 --> 00:20:16,751
It's hardly surprising, is it?
516
00:20:16,751 --> 00:20:18,251
Look at his mother.
I mean, she...
517
00:20:18,251 --> 00:20:20,210
She's so elegant,
she could be Greek
518
00:20:20,210 --> 00:20:21,876
or Italian.
519
00:20:22,251 --> 00:20:24,793
The compliment
that's actually an insult.
520
00:20:24,793 --> 00:20:26,793
You wouldn't think
they were Muslims
521
00:20:26,793 --> 00:20:28,126
to look at them, would you?
522
00:20:28,126 --> 00:20:28,960
I don't know, Mum.
523
00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:31,418
What do 1.8 billion Muslims
all look like?
524
00:20:31,418 --> 00:20:33,251
- (INHALING SHARPLY)
- (PAN SIZZLING)
525
00:20:33,251 --> 00:20:35,168
- Careful.
- Just...
526
00:20:35,168 --> 00:20:36,876
We've been very lucky to
have them as neighbours.
527
00:20:36,876 --> 00:20:38,251
Actually, they've become
like family to me
528
00:20:38,251 --> 00:20:40,751
since your father left
for that teenaged whore.
529
00:20:40,751 --> 00:20:42,876
- She's 35.
- Exactly.
530
00:20:42,876 --> 00:20:44,210
Oh, is that Grindr?
531
00:20:44,210 --> 00:20:45,960
My hairdresser's
never off that.
532
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:47,668
- Anyone we should meet?
- No.
533
00:20:47,668 --> 00:20:49,793
Oh, well, don't leave it
too late.
534
00:20:50,793 --> 00:20:53,918
Human eggs have
a sell-by date, too, you know.
535
00:20:53,918 --> 00:20:55,626
Maybe I'll freeze them.
536
00:20:55,626 --> 00:20:57,626
I could be a 90-year-old
pushing a triple pram.
537
00:20:57,626 --> 00:21:01,543
Well, that's no good to me,
is it? Because I'll be dead.
538
00:21:01,543 --> 00:21:02,918
(SIGHING) Oh...
539
00:21:02,918 --> 00:21:04,335
- (WHINES)
- CATH: How is your egg?
540
00:21:04,335 --> 00:21:06,418
It looks a bit raw.
541
00:21:06,418 --> 00:21:07,668
- ZOE: Mmm.
- (WHINES)
542
00:21:07,668 --> 00:21:11,376
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
My Marigold!
543
00:21:11,751 --> 00:21:13,293
That's where it got to.
544
00:21:13,293 --> 00:21:15,585
He eats your
washing-up gloves?
545
00:21:15,585 --> 00:21:16,793
He eats everything.
546
00:21:16,793 --> 00:21:18,835
At least now you can tell
which way round he is.
547
00:21:18,835 --> 00:21:20,585
Oh!
548
00:21:21,126 --> 00:21:23,085
CATH: I'm ringing
my lovely vet.
549
00:21:23,085 --> 00:21:24,501
You're going
to have to take him
550
00:21:24,501 --> 00:21:26,460
to James the vet
for me tomorrow.
551
00:21:26,460 --> 00:21:28,168
Why can't you take him?
552
00:21:28,168 --> 00:21:30,210
It's my day visiting cancer
patients at the Marsden.
553
00:21:30,210 --> 00:21:32,210
I can't. I've got
a really important meeting.
554
00:21:32,210 --> 00:21:34,210
It's the children's ward.
555
00:21:34,210 --> 00:21:36,001
He'll be fine.
556
00:21:36,001 --> 00:21:37,918
He's eaten my HRT patches
as well.
557
00:21:37,918 --> 00:21:38,960
He'll grow breasts.
558
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:41,418
You'll grow breasts,
you silly dog.
559
00:21:41,418 --> 00:21:42,751
- (CHUCKLING)
- It's not funny, ZoZo.
560
00:21:42,751 --> 00:21:44,126
It is funny, actually.
561
00:21:44,126 --> 00:21:47,085
James, it's me. I... Erm...
562
00:21:47,085 --> 00:21:49,251
It's the dog. I can't explain,
563
00:21:49,251 --> 00:21:50,835
but something
is hanging out of him
564
00:21:51,418 --> 00:21:53,168
at the wrong end.
565
00:21:55,460 --> 00:21:56,501
How's it going then, boy?
566
00:21:56,501 --> 00:21:57,918
Did you find
your missus today?
567
00:21:57,918 --> 00:21:58,876
KAZ: Don't start with me, man.
568
00:21:58,876 --> 00:22:00,460
I knew you were gonna start
with me today.
569
00:22:00,460 --> 00:22:01,835
- Let me just enjoy my...
- AISHA: Anyone good?
570
00:22:03,376 --> 00:22:05,918
(SIGHS) There was no one
I clicked with. There was...
571
00:22:05,918 --> 00:22:07,376
Click and collect.
572
00:22:08,876 --> 00:22:11,251
Ammi, come on.
There has to be a spark.
573
00:22:11,251 --> 00:22:13,668
- There wasn't even a flicker.
- You know what I say.
574
00:22:13,668 --> 00:22:15,335
(AISHA SPEAKING URDU)
575
00:22:15,335 --> 00:22:17,418
(IN ENGLISH)
Simmer first, then boil.
576
00:22:17,418 --> 00:22:19,501
You all want to boil first,
then simmer.
577
00:22:19,501 --> 00:22:21,626
And when it cools down,
you get disappointed,
578
00:22:21,626 --> 00:22:22,960
and throw out the chai.
579
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:24,168
Yeah, well,
simmer for too long,
580
00:22:24,168 --> 00:22:25,460
you end up with a dry pot.
581
00:22:25,460 --> 00:22:27,376
No-one likes a dry pot, bro.
582
00:22:27,376 --> 00:22:28,668
(ZAHID REPRIMANDING IN URDU)
583
00:22:28,668 --> 00:22:30,168
(IN ENGLISH) He threw
the thing at me, tell him off.
584
00:22:30,168 --> 00:22:32,876
The problem is, people have
too many options.
585
00:22:32,876 --> 00:22:34,251
(SPEAKS URDU)
586
00:22:34,251 --> 00:22:36,668
(IN ENGLISH) The distant drum
sounds more exciting.
587
00:22:37,585 --> 00:22:40,376
Did you tell him
about the girl
588
00:22:40,376 --> 00:22:42,001
that Mo bhai rang about, huh?
589
00:22:42,876 --> 00:22:45,460
There's a very nice girl
in Lahore.
590
00:22:45,460 --> 00:22:47,793
Convent educated,
excellent family.
591
00:22:47,793 --> 00:22:49,918
Height is okay, five foot two.
592
00:22:49,918 --> 00:22:52,126
If she were five foot,
I would hesitate.
593
00:22:52,126 --> 00:22:53,251
(IN URDU) Why wasn't I told?
594
00:22:53,251 --> 00:22:55,043
AISHA: (IN URDU)
I'll tell you, I'll tell you.
595
00:22:55,043 --> 00:22:56,960
(IN ENGLISH) Supposed to have
a very good nature.
596
00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:58,835
What am I gonna have in common
with someone from Pakistan?
597
00:22:58,835 --> 00:23:00,251
ZAHID: Besides culture, religion,
598
00:23:00,251 --> 00:23:01,918
language, colour,
family, genes.
599
00:23:01,918 --> 00:23:03,168
Should I go on?
600
00:23:03,168 --> 00:23:05,085
Yeah, think about it. And your
surname will be the same.
601
00:23:05,085 --> 00:23:06,543
She's a Khan?
602
00:23:06,543 --> 00:23:09,210
Passport, credit cards.
No change.
603
00:23:09,210 --> 00:23:11,418
But she's not a relation?
604
00:23:11,418 --> 00:23:13,793
No. But nothing wrong
with that.
605
00:23:13,793 --> 00:23:16,210
You know, Victoria and Albert
were first cousins.
606
00:23:16,210 --> 00:23:17,626
And they had a museum
named after them!
607
00:23:17,626 --> 00:23:18,876
KAZ: Okay, yeah, I know.
608
00:23:18,876 --> 00:23:19,960
AISHA: Listen, we are meeting
609
00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:21,626
the family over Skype
this evening.
610
00:23:21,626 --> 00:23:23,251
You see if you like her.
611
00:23:24,376 --> 00:23:25,418
Please.
612
00:23:26,501 --> 00:23:27,543
(AISHA SPEAKING URDU)
613
00:23:27,543 --> 00:23:30,001
KAZ: (IN ENGLISH) Okay. Don't.
614
00:23:30,001 --> 00:23:31,876
Our parents
both knew each other.
615
00:23:31,876 --> 00:23:33,168
They wanted us to meet.
616
00:23:33,168 --> 00:23:35,126
But we were both like, "Nah".
617
00:23:35,126 --> 00:23:36,960
"No way".
618
00:23:37,376 --> 00:23:39,043
- Sorry, sorry.
- Okay.
619
00:23:39,043 --> 00:23:40,543
(LAUGHS)
620
00:23:40,543 --> 00:23:43,293
Then I saw him at Rumi's Cave.
621
00:23:43,293 --> 00:23:45,126
It's like
this cultural centre.
622
00:23:45,126 --> 00:23:47,085
And we were both part
of the Muslim archery club.
623
00:23:47,085 --> 00:23:48,210
But we never spoke.
624
00:23:48,210 --> 00:23:51,085
- She was on Minder.
- But he was on Muzmatch.
625
00:23:51,085 --> 00:23:53,126
So we were on different paths.
626
00:23:53,126 --> 00:23:56,501
But we were on the same team
for the Muslim muggles quiz.
627
00:23:56,835 --> 00:23:58,460
It's for Harry Potter fans,
628
00:23:58,460 --> 00:24:01,085
looking at Islamic values
in the series.
629
00:24:01,085 --> 00:24:04,126
- And we identified loads.
- And we won!
630
00:24:04,543 --> 00:24:06,210
Team Hufflepuff!
631
00:24:06,626 --> 00:24:08,793
So, then, after that,
we agreed to meet.
632
00:24:09,293 --> 00:24:12,043
And I remember saying
to myself, you know,
633
00:24:12,043 --> 00:24:13,918
"You wander from room
to room sometimes
634
00:24:13,918 --> 00:24:15,626
"looking for the diamond
635
00:24:15,626 --> 00:24:17,668
"that's already
around your own neck."
636
00:24:18,210 --> 00:24:19,418
Rūmī. (CHUCKLES)
637
00:24:23,543 --> 00:24:24,543
(KAZ CHUCKLES)
638
00:24:25,918 --> 00:24:26,918
Okay.
639
00:24:27,710 --> 00:24:29,710
(SKYPE CALL CHIMING)
640
00:24:31,293 --> 00:24:32,293
(COMPUTER BEEPS)
641
00:24:34,626 --> 00:24:36,043
Er, hi.
642
00:24:36,043 --> 00:24:37,126
Hi.
643
00:24:40,793 --> 00:24:43,418
Maymouna.
That's a very lovely name.
644
00:24:43,418 --> 00:24:44,543
It's very beautiful.
645
00:24:45,126 --> 00:24:46,210
Thank you.
646
00:24:47,751 --> 00:24:50,418
Are you named
after anyone in your family?
647
00:24:50,876 --> 00:24:52,126
MAYMOUNA: Mmm.
648
00:24:52,126 --> 00:24:53,376
No.
649
00:24:54,168 --> 00:24:56,543
I think my parents
just liked it.
650
00:24:57,668 --> 00:24:59,168
Great. That's...
651
00:24:59,543 --> 00:25:01,210
You're... You're studying law?
652
00:25:02,043 --> 00:25:03,043
Yes.
653
00:25:04,043 --> 00:25:05,793
Well, I thought
about doing law.
654
00:25:05,793 --> 00:25:07,918
But then I didn't.
655
00:25:10,710 --> 00:25:12,376
Do you have any siblings?
656
00:25:12,376 --> 00:25:15,835
I have a brother
who lives here with his wife.
657
00:25:15,835 --> 00:25:17,626
And a sister.
658
00:25:18,876 --> 00:25:21,126
I have one brother, and, um,
659
00:25:22,460 --> 00:25:23,418
and...
660
00:25:30,335 --> 00:25:31,335
(CLEARS THROAT)
661
00:25:32,501 --> 00:25:35,210
My sister lives
in the Northern Areas.
662
00:25:35,793 --> 00:25:38,251
Her husband is posted there.
663
00:25:38,251 --> 00:25:39,460
The roof of the world.
664
00:25:39,460 --> 00:25:41,876
That's my favourite place
on earth.
665
00:25:42,460 --> 00:25:44,335
I haven't
been there yet, but...
666
00:25:44,335 --> 00:25:45,626
I remember the first time
I went.
667
00:25:45,626 --> 00:25:47,043
Um...
668
00:25:47,043 --> 00:25:48,210
My grandfather took me.
669
00:25:48,210 --> 00:25:51,126
That was his favourite place
as well. And, um...
670
00:25:51,126 --> 00:25:52,460
I was just a little boy,
671
00:25:52,460 --> 00:25:54,168
and I'd wandered off
and got lost,
672
00:25:54,168 --> 00:25:57,543
and it was weird,
I wasn't scared. It was...
673
00:25:58,293 --> 00:26:01,210
It was the first time
I felt connected
674
00:26:01,210 --> 00:26:03,376
to something bigger
than myself, you know?
675
00:26:03,876 --> 00:26:05,710
Bigger than
my own fear, and...
676
00:26:06,251 --> 00:26:07,293
My grandfather gave me
677
00:26:07,293 --> 00:26:09,001
a tight slap when he found me,
though. (LAUGHS)
678
00:26:11,043 --> 00:26:14,418
That's still the place I feel
closest to God. Definitely.
679
00:26:14,418 --> 00:26:16,626
And to my grandfather.
680
00:26:17,626 --> 00:26:20,543
How do you feel about possibly
moving to London?
681
00:26:20,543 --> 00:26:23,085
- Um...
- She's fine with it.
682
00:26:23,085 --> 00:26:24,585
She will love London.
683
00:26:24,585 --> 00:26:25,918
It's a very multi-cultural
place.
684
00:26:25,918 --> 00:26:27,501
Full of Pakistanis.
685
00:26:27,501 --> 00:26:32,085
(IN URDU) It's like
living in a giant brothel.
686
00:26:32,085 --> 00:26:33,126
(IN ENGLISH)
I'm sorry about this.
687
00:26:33,126 --> 00:26:34,376
- This is my big brother.
- It's okay.
688
00:26:34,376 --> 00:26:35,501
- Farooq.
- He gives me pocket money.
689
00:26:35,501 --> 00:26:36,543
It's normal.
690
00:26:36,543 --> 00:26:38,918
(IN URDU)
They take their dogs to dinner
691
00:26:38,918 --> 00:26:41,710
and leave their children
at home.
692
00:26:41,710 --> 00:26:43,168
(IN ENGLISH) Don't mind her.
693
00:26:43,168 --> 00:26:44,710
(KAZ'S FAMILY CHUCKLES)
694
00:26:44,710 --> 00:26:46,293
- ZAHID: Very nice.
- Yeah.
695
00:26:51,793 --> 00:26:53,460
JAMES: What's he been eating
this time?
696
00:26:53,460 --> 00:26:55,418
- Mum's HRT patches.
- Ah.
697
00:26:55,418 --> 00:26:56,626
And her washing-up glove.
698
00:26:56,626 --> 00:26:59,793
Last time,
it was her pop socks.
699
00:26:59,793 --> 00:27:02,085
Oh, God.
He's like a fluffy Pac-Man.
700
00:27:02,085 --> 00:27:03,210
Let's take a look at him,
701
00:27:03,210 --> 00:27:04,293
- shall we?
- Mmm.
702
00:27:04,293 --> 00:27:06,418
If you could just hold him
nice and still.
703
00:27:06,418 --> 00:27:08,376
Okay. Come on, Barney.
704
00:27:08,376 --> 00:27:09,501
- Oh.
- There you go.
705
00:27:09,501 --> 00:27:10,668
- Oh, I'm just gonna...
- Sorry.
706
00:27:10,668 --> 00:27:12,585
- (CHUCKLES) Sorry.
- Sorry.
707
00:27:12,585 --> 00:27:14,418
Sorry. Does he
come here often?
708
00:27:14,418 --> 00:27:18,001
So often, I know all his
deepest, darkest secrets.
709
00:27:18,001 --> 00:27:20,293
And even some of yours.
710
00:27:20,293 --> 00:27:22,793
No, I'm kidding.
I'm just kidding.
711
00:27:22,793 --> 00:27:24,918
- But your mum has told me...
- (CHUCKLES)
712
00:27:24,918 --> 00:27:26,918
- ...all about you, though.
- Oh, God.
713
00:27:26,918 --> 00:27:29,126
Film school in London.
714
00:27:29,126 --> 00:27:32,793
Two documentaries.
And a Radio Times
715
00:27:32,793 --> 00:27:33,876
Viewers' and Listeners' Award.
716
00:27:33,876 --> 00:27:36,793
- She gave you my actual CV.
- And your complete works.
717
00:27:36,793 --> 00:27:38,751
- I'm so sorry.
- (LAUGHS) Don't worry.
718
00:27:38,751 --> 00:27:40,043
I haven't had a chance
to watch them yet,
719
00:27:40,043 --> 00:27:41,293
but they do look really,
really great.
720
00:27:41,293 --> 00:27:43,960
Now, this guy
is gonna be just fine.
721
00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:45,126
If he hasn't passed them
by Friday,
722
00:27:45,126 --> 00:27:47,335
bring him back in,
we'll get him X-rayed.
723
00:27:47,585 --> 00:27:49,043
- Okay. (CHUCKLING)
- (CHUCKLES)
724
00:27:49,043 --> 00:27:51,751
Thanks.
Come on, you silly dog.
725
00:27:51,751 --> 00:27:52,876
Good to see you again, Barney.
726
00:27:52,876 --> 00:27:54,168
And, um, it's lovely to
727
00:27:54,168 --> 00:27:56,418
meet you, too,
for the first time, Zoe.
728
00:27:56,418 --> 00:27:58,043
And you.
729
00:27:58,043 --> 00:27:59,376
If you ever felt
like going out
730
00:27:59,376 --> 00:28:01,960
to get a drink or something, sometime,
731
00:28:01,960 --> 00:28:03,668
- we could...
- Thank you.
732
00:28:03,668 --> 00:28:05,168
I'm a bit snowed under
with work
733
00:28:05,168 --> 00:28:06,460
- at the moment.
- Yeah, sure.
734
00:28:06,460 --> 00:28:08,751
Just 'cause your mum said
that you... But never mind.
735
00:28:08,751 --> 00:28:09,960
Um...
736
00:28:10,335 --> 00:28:12,460
- Let me get the door for you.
- Yeah.
737
00:28:12,460 --> 00:28:14,585
Thank you. Sorry about that.
738
00:28:14,585 --> 00:28:16,335
- Ta-da!
- Er, mmm...
739
00:28:17,210 --> 00:28:19,043
- Uh, look after that guy.
- I will, thanks.
740
00:28:19,043 --> 00:28:20,168
- Thanks so much.
- And let me know
741
00:28:20,168 --> 00:28:21,501
if your workload...
742
00:28:22,168 --> 00:28:23,251
eases.
743
00:28:23,751 --> 00:28:25,293
(SINGING)
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
744
00:28:25,293 --> 00:28:27,918
♪ Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Mum ♪
745
00:28:27,918 --> 00:28:29,418
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
746
00:28:29,418 --> 00:28:30,501
CATH: Thank you!
747
00:28:30,501 --> 00:28:31,793
I can't actually
talk right now
748
00:28:31,793 --> 00:28:33,876
because I'm about to, um...
I'm about to go and
749
00:28:33,876 --> 00:28:37,001
put some grand eggs on ice
for your birthday present.
750
00:28:37,001 --> 00:28:38,126
Ooh!
751
00:28:38,126 --> 00:28:39,210
Yeah. So, you can stop
752
00:28:39,210 --> 00:28:40,876
setting me up
with total strangers.
753
00:28:40,876 --> 00:28:43,460
What a wonderful
birthday present.
754
00:28:43,460 --> 00:28:44,918
Would you like them
gift wrapped?
755
00:28:44,918 --> 00:28:46,168
(ZOE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)
756
00:28:46,168 --> 00:28:49,001
Is there an express service?
757
00:28:49,001 --> 00:28:50,668
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
758
00:28:50,668 --> 00:28:51,918
Just come in here
on your lunch break.
759
00:28:51,918 --> 00:28:53,626
And then in your 60s,
760
00:28:53,626 --> 00:28:55,543
we defrost your baby.
761
00:28:57,668 --> 00:28:58,960
No.
762
00:28:59,668 --> 00:29:00,751
No.
763
00:29:00,751 --> 00:29:02,543
Egg harvest.
764
00:29:02,876 --> 00:29:05,001
Yeah. Sounds festive, huh?
It's not.
765
00:29:06,126 --> 00:29:08,835
Listen, how much
do you want to be a mother?
766
00:29:08,835 --> 00:29:10,793
Mmm. Well,
I'd rather be a father.
767
00:29:10,793 --> 00:29:12,210
Then you don't have
768
00:29:12,210 --> 00:29:13,335
- to juggle everything.
- Yeah.
769
00:29:15,001 --> 00:29:16,668
No, I, um...
770
00:29:18,126 --> 00:29:20,043
Of course,
I want to be a mother.
771
00:29:20,585 --> 00:29:22,168
I just...
772
00:29:22,168 --> 00:29:25,876
You know, I want to find
the right person. And not yet.
773
00:29:26,751 --> 00:29:27,751
That's why I'm here.
774
00:29:28,376 --> 00:29:30,960
I keep seeing all these women
in their 50s having babies.
775
00:29:30,960 --> 00:29:32,751
So, that's gotta be
frozen eggs, right?
776
00:29:32,751 --> 00:29:34,668
Ah. The same women
that have, like,
777
00:29:34,668 --> 00:29:36,876
really nice skin
and no eye bags
778
00:29:36,876 --> 00:29:38,668
because they use
the right moisturiser?
779
00:29:39,126 --> 00:29:40,751
Yeah, highly unlikely.
780
00:29:40,751 --> 00:29:42,751
Do you know the success rate
for frozen eggs?
781
00:29:42,751 --> 00:29:43,835
Well, I know
782
00:29:43,835 --> 00:29:45,210
- it's not a guarantee.
- (MOBILE PHONE VIBRATING)
783
00:29:45,210 --> 00:29:46,835
DOCTOR: No. (SCOFFS)
784
00:29:46,835 --> 00:29:47,876
It's...
785
00:29:48,626 --> 00:29:49,668
1%.
786
00:29:49,668 --> 00:29:53,543
1% of frozen eggs
result in a live birth.
787
00:29:53,543 --> 00:29:55,418
Really?
788
00:29:55,418 --> 00:29:57,668
But much better odds
for frozen embryos.
789
00:29:59,001 --> 00:30:00,251
- (MOBILE PHONE VIBRATING)
- Okay.
790
00:30:00,251 --> 00:30:03,251
Um, how do I freeze
an embryo, then?
791
00:30:03,251 --> 00:30:04,960
Just come in with a partner.
792
00:30:04,960 --> 00:30:06,918
Or, you know,
pick a sperm donor.
793
00:30:06,918 --> 00:30:10,043
Or just find a nice
gay friend. That's...
794
00:30:10,043 --> 00:30:11,626
I don't have a partner.
795
00:30:11,626 --> 00:30:13,376
I thought that was the whole
point of this egg freezing,
796
00:30:13,376 --> 00:30:16,210
is that I don't have to put
all my eggs in one bastard.
797
00:30:16,210 --> 00:30:17,793
(MOBILE PHONE VIBRATING)
798
00:30:21,668 --> 00:30:24,543
He texted me instead of her
by mistake.
799
00:30:24,543 --> 00:30:25,876
(SIGHS EXASPERATEDLY)
800
00:30:27,418 --> 00:30:29,918
- Who is she?
- Someone in his office.
801
00:30:29,918 --> 00:30:31,793
I should have known.
802
00:30:32,293 --> 00:30:33,501
He kept not remembering
803
00:30:33,501 --> 00:30:34,585
- her name.
- (SIGHS)
804
00:30:36,168 --> 00:30:37,543
(DOOR OPENS)
805
00:30:40,043 --> 00:30:41,376
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Hang on.
806
00:30:42,793 --> 00:30:45,501
Where are you going?
That's not him, is it?
807
00:30:45,501 --> 00:30:47,293
Can you deal with the kids?
808
00:30:50,251 --> 00:30:52,001
Oh, my God.
809
00:31:00,293 --> 00:31:01,335
Once upon a time,
810
00:31:01,335 --> 00:31:04,085
there was a girl called
Little Red Riding Hood.
811
00:31:05,001 --> 00:31:06,918
She'd had a bad week.
812
00:31:07,710 --> 00:31:10,126
And all she wanted
was to feel better.
813
00:31:11,876 --> 00:31:14,418
Or to feel nothing.
814
00:31:14,418 --> 00:31:16,418
(LOUD DANCE MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)
815
00:31:23,001 --> 00:31:26,210
So, when her mother warned her
not to stray off that path,
816
00:31:26,210 --> 00:31:28,251
and talk to any strangers
817
00:31:28,251 --> 00:31:30,668
Little Red Riding Hood
thought to herself,
818
00:31:31,376 --> 00:31:34,043
"Where's the fun
on a well-trodden path?"
819
00:31:34,293 --> 00:31:37,460
And of course, she met a wolf.
820
00:31:39,668 --> 00:31:41,085
In an instant,
821
00:31:41,085 --> 00:31:45,376
all those bad feelings
disappeared, like magic.
822
00:31:47,168 --> 00:31:49,001
"What's the worst
that could happen?"
823
00:31:49,001 --> 00:31:50,501
she thought to herself.
824
00:31:54,626 --> 00:31:57,460
"So, a bad boy wolf
wants to eat me?
825
00:31:59,710 --> 00:32:02,501
"A little nibble here
and there can't hurt.
826
00:32:04,293 --> 00:32:05,626
"Can it?"
827
00:32:09,043 --> 00:32:11,043
(WATER RUNNING)
828
00:32:14,043 --> 00:32:15,251
(GROANS)
829
00:32:21,210 --> 00:32:23,210
- (SIGHS)
- (MOBILE PHONE RINGING)
830
00:32:29,085 --> 00:32:31,126
(SIGHS)
831
00:32:31,126 --> 00:32:33,001
- (DOOR OPENS)
- MAN: I was in the shower.
832
00:32:33,001 --> 00:32:34,043
Yeah.
833
00:32:35,001 --> 00:32:35,668
Yeah.
834
00:32:39,543 --> 00:32:41,126
Mmm-hmm.
835
00:32:41,751 --> 00:32:43,668
Sorry. Yeah, I, um...
836
00:32:43,960 --> 00:32:46,293
I fell asleep with my phone
on silent.
837
00:32:46,793 --> 00:32:47,876
(DOOR CLOSES)
838
00:32:48,251 --> 00:32:50,043
(SIGHS)
839
00:32:57,001 --> 00:32:59,001
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
840
00:33:09,876 --> 00:33:11,876
(CONTINUES BREATHING HEAVILY)
841
00:33:15,085 --> 00:33:17,001
(MEN YELLING INDISTINCTLY)
842
00:33:17,001 --> 00:33:18,376
(ZOE STUTTERS)
843
00:33:18,376 --> 00:33:19,585
(KAZ GRUNTS AND GROANS)
844
00:33:19,585 --> 00:33:21,793
- Ooh!
- (KAZ CONTINUES GROANING)
845
00:33:22,585 --> 00:33:25,126
- Man down.
- KAZ: Ah, come on. Bloody sub .
846
00:33:26,126 --> 00:33:27,668
(GRUNTS)
847
00:33:27,668 --> 00:33:28,793
KAZ: You're on.
848
00:33:30,626 --> 00:33:32,168
(ZOE LAUGHS)
849
00:33:32,168 --> 00:33:33,251
Did you get the goal,
at least?
850
00:33:33,251 --> 00:33:35,418
No, I just got you going
down like a skittle.
851
00:33:35,418 --> 00:33:36,501
Great.
852
00:33:36,960 --> 00:33:39,460
(LAUGHING)
That looked painful. Oh.
853
00:33:40,335 --> 00:33:41,626
Hang on,
let me just get this mic on.
854
00:33:41,626 --> 00:33:44,043
I've definitely
pulled something.
855
00:33:46,418 --> 00:33:47,418
So...
856
00:33:48,668 --> 00:33:50,293
What was...
857
00:33:50,293 --> 00:33:51,751
- What was so urgent?
- I, er...
858
00:33:51,751 --> 00:33:53,918
- I've got news.
- Yeah?
859
00:33:54,543 --> 00:33:56,085
I'm, er...
860
00:33:56,501 --> 00:33:58,376
I, er... I got engaged.
861
00:34:00,293 --> 00:34:01,376
Wait, what?
862
00:34:01,376 --> 00:34:03,918
Yeah, I know. It's crazy,
right? But we've...
863
00:34:05,085 --> 00:34:06,751
been talking quite a lot.
864
00:34:07,918 --> 00:34:10,168
And been texting and FaceTime.
865
00:34:10,168 --> 00:34:12,085
And we keep talking.
866
00:34:13,835 --> 00:34:15,418
(KAZ GRUNTS)
867
00:34:15,418 --> 00:34:17,293
I really like her.
868
00:34:17,293 --> 00:34:20,293
And the wedding's not for
a whole 'nother month, so...
869
00:34:20,293 --> 00:34:22,335
- A month?
- Yeah, I know.
870
00:34:22,335 --> 00:34:24,668
My mum's already handed out
sweets to the whole street.
871
00:34:24,668 --> 00:34:26,376
- (BOTH LAUGH)
- It's love at first Skype.
872
00:34:26,376 --> 00:34:27,585
Well, obviously not, no.
873
00:34:27,585 --> 00:34:30,001
Love at first anything's
a mental health issue.
874
00:34:30,001 --> 00:34:31,751
So, um, how old is she again?
875
00:34:31,751 --> 00:34:33,960
Willmore, track! Willmore!
876
00:34:35,918 --> 00:34:38,668
- 22.
- ZOE: Leaving the party early.
877
00:34:38,668 --> 00:34:40,043
Not worried about the age gap?
878
00:34:40,043 --> 00:34:41,876
I knew you were
gonna ask that.
879
00:34:41,876 --> 00:34:43,418
No, she's super smart.
880
00:34:43,418 --> 00:34:47,085
And you reckon that you have
enough in common?
881
00:34:47,085 --> 00:34:48,460
Well, we will have.
882
00:34:48,460 --> 00:34:49,585
She gets it.
883
00:34:49,585 --> 00:34:50,876
She understands
how it all works.
884
00:34:50,876 --> 00:34:51,960
You know, she wants to be
885
00:34:51,960 --> 00:34:52,960
- a human rights lawyer.
- Wow.
886
00:34:54,543 --> 00:34:55,626
Sorry.
887
00:34:55,626 --> 00:34:57,543
I'm just taking it all in. Um...
888
00:34:57,543 --> 00:35:00,168
So you really will be
marrying a stranger.
889
00:35:01,460 --> 00:35:03,335
I guess, in the end,
so is everyone else.
890
00:35:04,001 --> 00:35:05,710
Everyone turns out to be
someone else,
891
00:35:05,710 --> 00:35:07,168
or fucking someone else.
892
00:35:07,168 --> 00:35:08,751
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm fine.
893
00:35:08,751 --> 00:35:10,293
Can you turn the thing
on the...
894
00:35:10,293 --> 00:35:11,376
No, no, no. Sorry. Sorry.
895
00:35:11,376 --> 00:35:12,418
Zoe, off!
896
00:35:14,793 --> 00:35:16,043
What's up?
897
00:35:20,460 --> 00:35:22,001
(INHALES DEEPLY)
898
00:35:22,418 --> 00:35:23,918
Uh, sorry.
899
00:35:26,043 --> 00:35:28,460
Oh, it's just been
a challenging week.
900
00:35:28,460 --> 00:35:30,210
What? Another date with
someone you already hate?
901
00:35:30,210 --> 00:35:31,210
(ZOE CHUCKLES)
902
00:35:33,085 --> 00:35:34,085
(SNIFFLES)
903
00:35:36,376 --> 00:35:38,710
What you need is a holiday.
904
00:35:38,710 --> 00:35:40,043
Yeah. (SIGHS)
905
00:35:41,501 --> 00:35:42,918
In Lahore.
906
00:35:46,001 --> 00:35:47,335
ZOE: Mmm.
907
00:35:49,168 --> 00:35:50,418
Oh, darling.
908
00:35:50,418 --> 00:35:52,918
Just in time for a quick bite
before we leave.
909
00:35:52,918 --> 00:35:55,210
Great. Oh, sorry. Eggs again?
910
00:35:55,210 --> 00:35:57,251
No, no, no. Omelettes.
911
00:35:58,001 --> 00:35:59,001
Come on.
912
00:35:59,001 --> 00:36:02,418
Ooh, now in there
is a little care package
913
00:36:02,418 --> 00:36:03,543
I've put together for us.
914
00:36:03,543 --> 00:36:06,293
Just the basics.
Imodium, HobNobs, rape alarm.
915
00:36:07,376 --> 00:36:09,043
Is Barney joining us?
916
00:36:09,043 --> 00:36:11,126
Don't be silly.
Although, um...
917
00:36:11,126 --> 00:36:12,835
No, James is coming
to pick him up
918
00:36:12,835 --> 00:36:14,085
- and I thought that... Ooh!
- (DOORBELL BUZZES)
919
00:36:14,085 --> 00:36:16,210
There he is. I thought
he might like to join us
920
00:36:16,210 --> 00:36:19,001
for a little... Little lunch.
921
00:36:19,001 --> 00:36:20,251
- James!
- JAMES: Hi.
922
00:36:20,251 --> 00:36:21,918
CATH: My favourite
dog whisperer.
923
00:36:21,918 --> 00:36:24,168
Oh, come in.
924
00:36:24,168 --> 00:36:26,293
Zoe. You remember James,
don't you?
925
00:36:26,293 --> 00:36:28,585
James delivered
your pop socks. Hi.
926
00:36:28,585 --> 00:36:30,418
Talking of which...
927
00:36:30,418 --> 00:36:33,126
- So, how have you been?
- Oh, you know, saving lives.
928
00:36:33,126 --> 00:36:34,418
A gerbil, a cat,
929
00:36:34,418 --> 00:36:37,751
octogenarian tortoise
who's making a slow recovery.
930
00:36:37,751 --> 00:36:39,585
(CATH LAUGHS)
931
00:36:39,585 --> 00:36:41,376
- Sorry.
- He's so funny.
932
00:36:41,376 --> 00:36:43,085
He's so... He's so funny.
933
00:36:43,085 --> 00:36:44,335
Why don't you just sit,
934
00:36:44,335 --> 00:36:46,876
and have a chat
while I cook the toast?
935
00:36:46,876 --> 00:36:48,751
So, you're off to
a fancy wedding
936
00:36:48,751 --> 00:36:50,918
- in Pakistan, I hear?
- Yeah.
937
00:36:50,918 --> 00:36:52,376
I've never missed
a Khan wedding,
938
00:36:52,376 --> 00:36:54,418
and I can't wait
to wear a burkini
939
00:36:54,418 --> 00:36:56,460
- on the subcontinent.
- Wow.
940
00:36:56,460 --> 00:36:59,501
Except for Lahore
is nowhere near the sea.
941
00:36:59,501 --> 00:37:01,168
Well, you never know
where we might end up.
942
00:37:01,168 --> 00:37:02,585
And when we come back,
943
00:37:02,585 --> 00:37:03,876
we should have dinner
with James.
944
00:37:03,876 --> 00:37:05,126
We'll get Helena
and Harry over.
945
00:37:05,126 --> 00:37:06,626
Helena is Zoe's
very good friend.
946
00:37:06,626 --> 00:37:08,501
She's married
to a lovely man called Harry.
947
00:37:08,501 --> 00:37:09,626
Who's been having an affair.
948
00:37:09,626 --> 00:37:11,210
- Harry?
- Yes.
949
00:37:11,210 --> 00:37:12,793
- No? I can't believe it.
- Yes!
950
00:37:12,793 --> 00:37:14,418
I'm pretty sure most
married men would cheat
951
00:37:14,418 --> 00:37:15,835
if they could get away
with it.
952
00:37:15,835 --> 00:37:16,918
James wouldn't.
953
00:37:18,251 --> 00:37:20,793
Even if you're sure
your wife would never know?
954
00:37:20,793 --> 00:37:22,085
No, of course not.
955
00:37:23,585 --> 00:37:25,085
Why not?
956
00:37:25,085 --> 00:37:26,460
Because I'd know.
957
00:37:29,501 --> 00:37:30,543
(CATH CLEARS THROAT)
958
00:37:31,626 --> 00:37:32,918
- (EXHALES)
- CATH: Bon appétit.
959
00:37:32,918 --> 00:37:34,001
JAMES: Mmm.
960
00:37:34,001 --> 00:37:35,418
- (DOORBELL BUZZES)
- Wait a minute, pet.
961
00:37:35,418 --> 00:37:36,751
Oh!
962
00:37:36,751 --> 00:37:38,168
So, erm...
963
00:37:39,335 --> 00:37:40,543
- Oh, hello, darling.
- Hello!
964
00:37:40,543 --> 00:37:42,210
You're early.
Why are you so early?
965
00:37:42,210 --> 00:37:43,376
Flight doesn't leave
for hours.
966
00:37:43,376 --> 00:37:44,501
I know. I know. We just need
967
00:37:44,501 --> 00:37:46,001
to allow extra time
for security.
968
00:37:46,001 --> 00:37:47,126
Why?
969
00:37:47,126 --> 00:37:49,168
So, I can be
randomly selected.
970
00:37:49,876 --> 00:37:51,376
Oh! Oh.
971
00:37:51,835 --> 00:37:52,918
Oh...
972
00:37:52,918 --> 00:37:54,876
Well, that's a shame.
973
00:37:54,876 --> 00:37:55,960
James was about to tell us
974
00:37:55,960 --> 00:37:57,085
something
975
00:37:57,085 --> 00:37:58,168
- absolutely hilarious.
- (ZOE LAUGHS)
976
00:37:58,168 --> 00:38:01,376
Look who's here.
He says we've got to go.
977
00:38:01,376 --> 00:38:04,085
Sorry, Mum, that your enormous
efforts have gone to waste.
978
00:38:04,085 --> 00:38:07,168
But, you know, we've got
a plane to catch, and...
979
00:38:07,168 --> 00:38:08,293
Kaz, the doctor...
980
00:38:08,293 --> 00:38:09,376
- Hi.
- Hi.
981
00:38:09,376 --> 00:38:10,501
...meet James the vet.
982
00:38:10,501 --> 00:38:12,960
I've heard all about you.
Good luck with the wedding.
983
00:38:12,960 --> 00:38:14,585
- Thank you.
- Oh. Barney. Barney.
984
00:38:14,585 --> 00:38:16,085
- Mummy go shopping.
- (WHINES)
985
00:38:16,085 --> 00:38:17,210
Mummy go shopping.
986
00:38:17,210 --> 00:38:18,876
Don't tell Barney that
I'm off to Lahore,
987
00:38:18,876 --> 00:38:19,960
because he'll get...
988
00:38:19,960 --> 00:38:23,001
Shopping. Shopping.
Stay. Shopping. Stay. Stay.
989
00:38:23,001 --> 00:38:24,293
JAMES: Let me help you
with the cases.
990
00:38:24,293 --> 00:38:25,460
KAZ: No, I'll get them.
991
00:38:25,460 --> 00:38:27,793
Well, I'm looking forward
to hearing how it all goes.
992
00:38:27,793 --> 00:38:29,418
- Yeah, you, too.
- Great. Well...
993
00:38:29,418 --> 00:38:31,043
- (STUTTERING) Oh...
- I mean, thanks.
994
00:38:31,043 --> 00:38:32,751
- Great. Yeah.
- Bye. Bye.
995
00:38:33,501 --> 00:38:35,543
Oh, James.
996
00:38:35,543 --> 00:38:38,960
I am so sorry
that we've got to go. But...
997
00:38:38,960 --> 00:38:41,918
Well, I'll FaceTime you both
from Pakistan
998
00:38:41,918 --> 00:38:44,085
or, or...
999
00:38:45,001 --> 00:38:47,251
Cover my FaceTime. (LAUGHS)
1000
00:38:48,543 --> 00:38:49,751
You set me off.
1001
00:38:49,751 --> 00:38:52,293
Keep that, just in case
you might want to go shopping.
1002
00:38:52,293 --> 00:38:55,335
Bye. Darling, bye.
Eat the omelettes.
1003
00:38:55,335 --> 00:38:57,460
- Okay. Yeah.
- Bye. Bye.
1004
00:38:57,460 --> 00:38:58,543
CATH: Bye!
1005
00:39:01,835 --> 00:39:02,835
Barney.
1006
00:39:09,251 --> 00:39:12,835
And this is her in
the nativity play where...
1007
00:39:12,835 --> 00:39:14,501
You don't know
what that is,
1008
00:39:14,501 --> 00:39:16,043
but I'll explain later.
1009
00:39:16,043 --> 00:39:17,501
Her when she was
a little baby.
1010
00:39:17,501 --> 00:39:18,918
She was only three months old.
1011
00:39:26,126 --> 00:39:27,085
(SIGHS)
1012
00:39:28,168 --> 00:39:29,668
Are you all right?
1013
00:39:31,585 --> 00:39:33,668
It's thought field therapy.
It's, er... (CLEARS THROAT)
1014
00:39:34,501 --> 00:39:35,835
...a technique.
1015
00:39:36,543 --> 00:39:39,835
I don't like flying.
1016
00:39:43,335 --> 00:39:45,168
Even the lingo's morbid.
It's what?
1017
00:39:45,168 --> 00:39:47,168
"Final destination".
"Departed".
1018
00:39:48,460 --> 00:39:50,585
Or "Terminal".
1019
00:39:52,210 --> 00:39:53,710
- FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Some nuts, sir?
- Thank you.
1020
00:39:53,710 --> 00:39:54,668
You're welcome.
1021
00:39:56,501 --> 00:39:58,793
Who was that guy
at your mum's house?
1022
00:39:58,793 --> 00:40:00,335
Mmm.
1023
00:40:01,376 --> 00:40:03,835
If I were Pakistani,
he'd be my arranged husband.
1024
00:40:05,376 --> 00:40:08,210
- Sounds ideal.
- Except that he's not my type.
1025
00:40:09,668 --> 00:40:11,501
- What is your type?
- (LAUGHING) Oh!
1026
00:40:13,085 --> 00:40:15,251
- But is that wrong?
- Yeah.
1027
00:40:15,251 --> 00:40:17,876
Uh, don't know. (CHUCKLES)
1028
00:40:22,126 --> 00:40:23,876
Can I ask you a question?
1029
00:40:26,710 --> 00:40:29,751
Would you cheat if you knew
you'd never get caught?
1030
00:40:29,751 --> 00:40:32,585
Be honest.
If your wife would never know.
1031
00:40:32,585 --> 00:40:33,626
No.
1032
00:40:34,585 --> 00:40:35,918
Why not?
1033
00:40:37,668 --> 00:40:38,710
Well, he'd know.
1034
00:40:38,710 --> 00:40:40,251
(RUMBLING)
1035
00:40:40,251 --> 00:40:41,626
Oh.
1036
00:40:42,251 --> 00:40:43,501
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
1037
00:40:43,501 --> 00:40:45,710
- He's listening.
- (LAUGHS)
1038
00:40:45,710 --> 00:40:48,668
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
1039
00:41:00,460 --> 00:41:02,293
Aren't they
desperately uncomfortable
1040
00:41:02,293 --> 00:41:03,460
covered up like that
in this heat
1041
00:41:03,460 --> 00:41:04,835
except for their eyes?
1042
00:41:04,835 --> 00:41:07,668
No, not as uncomfortable
as those poor women
1043
00:41:07,668 --> 00:41:10,126
who are uncovered
except for their eyes.
1044
00:41:10,126 --> 00:41:12,585
Like on Love Island.
You see, Cath,
1045
00:41:12,585 --> 00:41:14,418
our women are valued
for what's on the inside.
1046
00:41:14,418 --> 00:41:16,960
Which is why we don't have
plastic surgery
1047
00:41:16,960 --> 00:41:18,085
and anorexia,
1048
00:41:18,085 --> 00:41:19,876
and all these
Western diseases.
1049
00:41:19,876 --> 00:41:21,168
Well, I suppose a burka's
1050
00:41:21,168 --> 00:41:23,085
wonderfully forgiving,
isn't it?
1051
00:41:25,251 --> 00:41:26,668
A rupee for your thoughts?
1052
00:41:43,626 --> 00:41:46,543
Oh, it's even better
with my sunglasses off.
1053
00:41:46,543 --> 00:41:48,460
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
1054
00:41:49,085 --> 00:41:51,335
What a beautiful hall.
1055
00:41:54,293 --> 00:41:55,918
KAZ: I'm not trying
to upset you.
1056
00:41:55,918 --> 00:41:57,626
We can't go on like this.
1057
00:41:57,626 --> 00:42:00,543
You know this has caused me
the greatest pain in my life.
1058
00:42:00,543 --> 00:42:02,668
And that of
your grandmother, too.
1059
00:42:02,668 --> 00:42:05,751
Then, there's nothing
we can do about it.
1060
00:42:06,585 --> 00:42:07,585
Okay.
1061
00:42:11,918 --> 00:42:13,335
I'm so proud of you.
1062
00:42:14,293 --> 00:42:16,876
Let's not spoil
this happy occasion.
1063
00:42:16,876 --> 00:42:19,335
They met on their wedding day.
1064
00:42:19,335 --> 00:42:22,085
He came to her village
on a white horse
1065
00:42:22,085 --> 00:42:23,793
to take her away
from her home.
1066
00:42:24,460 --> 00:42:27,626
(IN URDU) In youth,
even a crow looks princely.
1067
00:42:28,251 --> 00:42:30,251
(IN ENGLISH)
Er, like a charming prince.
1068
00:42:30,251 --> 00:42:32,293
(IN URDU)
I was allergic to horses.
1069
00:42:32,668 --> 00:42:35,418
(IN ENGLISH)
And they rode off together.
1070
00:42:36,251 --> 00:42:38,376
ZOE: And did they
fall in love?
1071
00:42:38,376 --> 00:42:41,501
(IN URDU) Fall in love,
lose your peace.
1072
00:42:42,626 --> 00:42:45,126
(IN ENGLISH) You know,
we always say, it is, uh,
1073
00:42:46,251 --> 00:42:50,835
better to fall into like,
and walk into love.
1074
00:42:52,501 --> 00:42:53,710
(IN URDU)
It was a good match.
1075
00:42:55,626 --> 00:42:56,876
(IN ENGLISH)
It was a good match.
1076
00:42:56,876 --> 00:42:58,668
(REPEATS IN URDU)
1077
00:43:07,043 --> 00:43:10,418
- Asalam o aleikum.
- Waleikum salam.
1078
00:43:10,418 --> 00:43:12,210
- Asalam o aleikum.
- Waleikum.
1079
00:43:13,126 --> 00:43:14,918
(WOMEN CHATTERING IN URDU)
1080
00:43:17,751 --> 00:43:19,751
(GREETING AND SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY)
1081
00:43:29,460 --> 00:43:30,543
(GREETING IN URDU)
1082
00:43:37,835 --> 00:43:39,876
- Asalam o aleikum.
- Waleikum salam.
1083
00:43:42,210 --> 00:43:45,501
(IN URDU)
What a beautiful girl!
1084
00:43:46,501 --> 00:43:48,585
(IN ENGLISH, CHUCKLES)
Thank you.
1085
00:43:49,251 --> 00:43:51,168
Pleased to meet you
in person, finally.
1086
00:43:52,126 --> 00:43:53,710
Thank you.
1087
00:43:59,376 --> 00:44:01,585
How are your studies going?
1088
00:44:01,585 --> 00:44:02,668
Good.
1089
00:44:03,710 --> 00:44:04,876
Good.
1090
00:44:04,876 --> 00:44:07,751
Um, I was thinking
we could maybe
1091
00:44:07,751 --> 00:44:10,126
do something together
this evening.
1092
00:44:18,418 --> 00:44:20,418
- (CRASHING OVER SPEAKERS)
- (MAN GRUNTING OVER SPEAKERS)
1093
00:44:26,585 --> 00:44:28,168
(PEOPLE SCREAMING
OVER SPEAKERS)
1094
00:44:31,168 --> 00:44:33,418
(CRASHING CONTINUES
OVER SPEAKERS)
1095
00:44:40,793 --> 00:44:43,251
We met on Skype.
1096
00:44:43,251 --> 00:44:44,960
Um...
1097
00:44:44,960 --> 00:44:46,460
I thought she was...
1098
00:44:47,210 --> 00:44:50,293
You know, attractive,
obviously. And intelligent.
1099
00:44:50,751 --> 00:44:52,585
Full of life.
1100
00:44:52,585 --> 00:44:53,668
(CHUCKLES)
1101
00:44:53,668 --> 00:44:56,043
I don't know
what you thought of me.
1102
00:44:56,793 --> 00:45:00,293
I thought he seemed
nice and reasonable.
1103
00:45:01,960 --> 00:45:03,626
ZOE: That's great. Um...
1104
00:45:04,751 --> 00:45:06,543
Can you tell me
1105
00:45:06,543 --> 00:45:08,585
how... How did you propose?
1106
00:45:09,126 --> 00:45:10,126
Um...
1107
00:45:11,168 --> 00:45:13,335
Well, actually, my...
1108
00:45:14,376 --> 00:45:16,543
parents proposed
to her parents.
1109
00:45:19,376 --> 00:45:21,210
ZOE: It must have been
1110
00:45:21,626 --> 00:45:23,793
daunting for you, Maymouna,
1111
00:45:24,418 --> 00:45:26,751
deciding whether
to spend the rest of your life
1112
00:45:26,751 --> 00:45:28,751
with someone you hardly know.
1113
00:45:29,335 --> 00:45:30,335
MAYMOUNA: Mmm.
1114
00:45:31,710 --> 00:45:33,793
If my parents are comfortable
with their decision,
1115
00:45:33,793 --> 00:45:35,168
I'm okay with it.
1116
00:45:35,168 --> 00:45:36,960
And we talked a load
on the phone.
1117
00:45:36,960 --> 00:45:38,960
And then we got
to know each other.
1118
00:45:40,710 --> 00:45:43,460
ZOE: Can you sum up
how you both feel?
1119
00:45:45,043 --> 00:45:46,043
Good.
1120
00:45:46,335 --> 00:45:48,501
Feels... Feels
like the timing's right.
1121
00:45:50,418 --> 00:45:51,585
And...
1122
00:45:53,293 --> 00:45:55,876
Can you see yourselves
falling in love?
1123
00:45:55,876 --> 00:45:56,960
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
1124
00:45:56,960 --> 00:45:58,668
Yes, inshallah.
1125
00:45:59,376 --> 00:46:01,210
Whatever "in love" means.
1126
00:46:04,210 --> 00:46:05,210
ZOE: Hmm.
1127
00:46:06,168 --> 00:46:08,168
(MUEZZIN CALLING TO PRAYER)
1128
00:46:22,835 --> 00:46:24,043
Did he remember you
from when you were a kid?
1129
00:46:24,043 --> 00:46:25,376
- Yeah, that's family...
- Well?
1130
00:46:25,376 --> 00:46:27,793
- Hey, morning.
- Where are you going?
1131
00:46:27,793 --> 00:46:29,668
You haven't even
had breakfast.
1132
00:46:29,668 --> 00:46:31,043
I need to go to the tailor.
1133
00:46:31,043 --> 00:46:33,126
Then I was gonna take Zoe
to Anarkali bazaar.
1134
00:46:33,126 --> 00:46:34,210
You're gonna love it.
1135
00:46:34,210 --> 00:46:35,710
It's a massive bazaar
1136
00:46:35,710 --> 00:46:37,543
named after
a beautiful dancing girl.
1137
00:46:37,543 --> 00:46:40,210
Who was buried alive
by Emperor Akbar
1138
00:46:40,210 --> 00:46:42,876
because she was an unsuitable
match for his son.
1139
00:46:44,168 --> 00:46:46,085
(BLOWS, WHISPERING)
Buried alive.
1140
00:46:46,085 --> 00:46:47,501
I'll see you later.
1141
00:46:49,543 --> 00:46:51,751
Yasmin. Take this
for Nani Jan.
1142
00:47:05,001 --> 00:47:07,043
(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS)
1143
00:47:16,043 --> 00:47:18,293
ZOE:
I can't believe you said...
1144
00:47:19,001 --> 00:47:20,918
"Whatever love means".
1145
00:47:20,918 --> 00:47:22,085
KAZ: Huh?
1146
00:47:22,085 --> 00:47:24,543
That's what Prince Charles
famously said
1147
00:47:24,543 --> 00:47:26,293
when he got engaged to Diana.
1148
00:47:27,001 --> 00:47:29,251
I thought
that sounded familiar.
1149
00:47:29,251 --> 00:47:30,960
They basically had
an arranged marriage.
1150
00:47:30,960 --> 00:47:32,376
Yeah.
1151
00:47:32,376 --> 00:47:33,876
That worked out really well.
1152
00:47:33,876 --> 00:47:37,043
Princess Diana wanted
to marry a Pakistani man.
1153
00:47:38,085 --> 00:47:40,751
- Doctor Hasnat Khan.
- Doctor Khan.
1154
00:47:41,668 --> 00:47:44,168
- Mother said no.
- What happened to him?
1155
00:47:44,168 --> 00:47:46,251
He had an arranged marriage.
1156
00:47:46,251 --> 00:47:48,043
Lived happily enough
ever after?
1157
00:47:49,043 --> 00:47:50,626
Got divorced.
1158
00:47:50,960 --> 00:47:53,210
He'd become too much Western.
1159
00:47:56,460 --> 00:47:58,460
- (PEOPLE CHATTERING)
- (VEHICLE HORNS TOOTING)
1160
00:48:03,085 --> 00:48:04,751
ZOE: Okay, question.
1161
00:48:04,751 --> 00:48:07,376
What did you think of her?
In real life?
1162
00:48:08,710 --> 00:48:11,626
- She's great.
- Yeah, but, um,
1163
00:48:11,626 --> 00:48:13,126
did you fancy her?
1164
00:48:13,126 --> 00:48:16,210
Zoe, please. Do I have to say
that on camera? Come on.
1165
00:48:16,210 --> 00:48:18,001
- So annoying.
- Fine.
1166
00:48:18,001 --> 00:48:21,585
And are you nervous
about the mehndi tonight?
1167
00:48:21,585 --> 00:48:23,793
Actually, just tell me
what that is.
1168
00:48:23,793 --> 00:48:26,668
Well, in Pakistan,
we really like
1169
00:48:26,668 --> 00:48:28,585
to draw out
the wedding celebrations.
1170
00:48:28,585 --> 00:48:30,293
It's over three days.
1171
00:48:31,168 --> 00:48:32,335
Uh...
1172
00:48:32,335 --> 00:48:34,751
And first it's the mehndi,
which is tonight.
1173
00:48:34,751 --> 00:48:36,293
And, uh...
1174
00:48:36,293 --> 00:48:39,293
Kind of like a stag
and a hen rolled into one.
1175
00:48:39,293 --> 00:48:41,376
Except your grandparents are
there, which is lovely.
1176
00:48:41,376 --> 00:48:43,210
And the groom
isn't stripped naked
1177
00:48:43,210 --> 00:48:44,876
and tied to a lamppost.
1178
00:48:45,543 --> 00:48:47,043
And then the next day
is the nikah,
1179
00:48:47,043 --> 00:48:48,710
that's the actual marriage.
1180
00:48:49,293 --> 00:48:51,710
And the shaadi.
Then, er, walima.
1181
00:48:52,418 --> 00:48:54,418
Where the main thing is
you have to look
1182
00:48:54,418 --> 00:48:56,626
like you haven't enjoyed
your first night together.
1183
00:48:58,835 --> 00:49:00,668
(CHUCKLES) What if
you haven't enjoyed
1184
00:49:00,668 --> 00:49:01,793
your first night together?
1185
00:49:02,460 --> 00:49:04,210
- No comment?
- No comment.
1186
00:49:04,835 --> 00:49:06,293
(CHUCKLING) Can we go in?
1187
00:49:06,293 --> 00:49:07,460
(GASPS)
1188
00:49:07,460 --> 00:49:10,251
My mum would love this.
Can I film in here?
1189
00:49:10,251 --> 00:49:11,501
(SHOPKEEPER ANSWERS IN URDU)
1190
00:49:12,501 --> 00:49:14,210
(KAZ AND SHOPKEEPER
GREETING IN URDU)
1191
00:49:17,043 --> 00:49:18,376
Afghanistan.
(SPEAKS URDU)
1192
00:49:18,376 --> 00:49:20,001
(SHOPKEEPER
CONTINUES EXPLAINING IN URDU)
1193
00:49:20,001 --> 00:49:22,376
(IN ENGLISH) It's beautiful.
How much is it?
1194
00:49:22,376 --> 00:49:23,501
(SHOPKEEPER QUOTING A PRICE)
1195
00:49:23,501 --> 00:49:24,960
(IN ENGLISH) 15,000.
1196
00:49:28,085 --> 00:49:30,085
(KAZ AND SHOPKEEPER HAGGLING
IN URDU)
1197
00:49:32,210 --> 00:49:33,668
(IN ENGLISH) Give him 10,000.
1198
00:49:33,668 --> 00:49:35,043
Here.
1199
00:49:35,460 --> 00:49:36,710
Thank you.
1200
00:49:40,126 --> 00:49:41,460
Thanks, Kaz.
1201
00:49:43,751 --> 00:49:44,918
You know
1202
00:49:45,876 --> 00:49:46,835
all that stuff,
1203
00:49:48,668 --> 00:49:50,251
passion, and...
1204
00:49:50,501 --> 00:49:52,918
chemistry, whatever you want
to call it,
1205
00:49:55,543 --> 00:49:57,376
it's not
the most important thing.
1206
00:49:58,626 --> 00:50:00,376
Doesn't last, anyway.
1207
00:50:16,793 --> 00:50:18,043
ZOE: It's amazing.
1208
00:50:18,043 --> 00:50:20,168
(CONVERSING IN URDU)
1209
00:50:20,168 --> 00:50:21,418
(IN ENGLISH)
He thinks you're my wife.
1210
00:50:21,418 --> 00:50:22,876
(SPEAKS URDU)
1211
00:50:23,876 --> 00:50:25,876
(IN ENGLISH) I'm saying
that you're just a friend.
1212
00:50:25,876 --> 00:50:27,710
Just friends.
1213
00:50:28,251 --> 00:50:30,126
I was your first kiss, too.
1214
00:50:33,251 --> 00:50:34,668
In the treehouse.
1215
00:50:35,251 --> 00:50:36,710
(ZOE CHUCKLES)
1216
00:50:38,210 --> 00:50:39,210
(ZOE THANKS IN URDU)
1217
00:50:40,335 --> 00:50:42,668
I just can't believe
you've forgotten.
1218
00:50:43,335 --> 00:50:44,376
(ZOE CHUCKLES)
1219
00:50:44,376 --> 00:50:46,168
(CONVERSING IN URDU)
1220
00:50:49,001 --> 00:50:50,501
Kaz.
1221
00:50:50,501 --> 00:50:51,876
Hmm?
1222
00:50:53,418 --> 00:50:55,793
(IN ENGLISH) What was that row
with your mum about?
1223
00:50:58,751 --> 00:50:59,751
It's...
1224
00:51:01,335 --> 00:51:04,335
Just about Jamila
coming to the wedding.
1225
00:51:04,626 --> 00:51:07,585
Why is what she did so bad?
1226
00:51:07,585 --> 00:51:08,793
A Muslim woman isn't supposed
1227
00:51:08,793 --> 00:51:10,918
to marry a non-Muslim guy.
It's haram, innit?
1228
00:51:10,918 --> 00:51:12,418
- I know.
- She ran off with this guy,
1229
00:51:12,418 --> 00:51:14,793
broke my grandfather's heart. Literally.
1230
00:51:15,418 --> 00:51:17,210
He died a week later.
1231
00:51:17,210 --> 00:51:19,251
You can't blame that on her.
1232
00:51:19,543 --> 00:51:20,835
Then she didn't even come
to the funeral.
1233
00:51:20,835 --> 00:51:21,960
Why not?
1234
00:51:21,960 --> 00:51:23,668
She wanted him...
1235
00:51:24,418 --> 00:51:26,751
David, to be welcome, too.
1236
00:51:26,751 --> 00:51:28,085
Can I film you saying
this stuff?
1237
00:51:28,085 --> 00:51:29,626
- No.
- Please, Kaz.
1238
00:51:29,626 --> 00:51:31,126
I can't just show
what you want me to show.
1239
00:51:31,126 --> 00:51:33,043
If it's not truthful,
it just won't have any value.
1240
00:51:33,043 --> 00:51:34,335
Please.
1241
00:51:34,960 --> 00:51:37,668
- Okay. I'm sorry.
- You know they've had a baby?
1242
00:51:38,251 --> 00:51:41,668
My mum's first grandchild
who she's never even met.
1243
00:51:41,668 --> 00:51:44,376
All this unhappiness.
All she did was fall in love.
1244
00:51:44,376 --> 00:51:45,626
No, that's not
all she did, Zoe.
1245
00:51:45,626 --> 00:51:47,210
She chose love over family.
1246
00:51:47,210 --> 00:51:48,960
But isn't that the whole point
of marriage?
1247
00:51:48,960 --> 00:51:50,168
There are some things
1248
00:51:50,168 --> 00:51:51,376
I don't expect you
to understand.
1249
00:51:51,376 --> 00:51:52,543
Can you explain to me
1250
00:51:52,543 --> 00:51:54,043
how it's so different
even though we grew up
1251
00:51:54,043 --> 00:51:55,085
on the same street?
1252
00:51:55,085 --> 00:51:56,293
- How are we different?
- Yes.
1253
00:51:56,293 --> 00:51:58,460
- Are you serious?
- Please.
1254
00:51:59,126 --> 00:52:00,876
(SCOFFS) Okay.
1255
00:52:02,085 --> 00:52:03,210
For a start, you don't
get asked every week
1256
00:52:03,210 --> 00:52:04,293
where you're from originally,
1257
00:52:04,293 --> 00:52:06,251
or how often you
go back to Pakistan.
1258
00:52:06,251 --> 00:52:07,751
You're British,
I'm British born,
1259
00:52:07,751 --> 00:52:10,001
which we all know is just code
for non-white.
1260
00:52:10,001 --> 00:52:11,293
Brit-ish, you know.
1261
00:52:13,376 --> 00:52:15,168
And you're not expected
to apologise profoundly
1262
00:52:15,168 --> 00:52:16,460
on behalf of all brown people
1263
00:52:16,460 --> 00:52:17,793
every time there's
a terror attack
1264
00:52:17,793 --> 00:52:18,876
anywhere in the world.
1265
00:52:21,210 --> 00:52:22,793
There was an entire continent
1266
00:52:22,793 --> 00:52:25,501
between number 49 and 47, Zoe.
1267
00:52:25,501 --> 00:52:28,085
Isn't that why
you're making the film?
1268
00:52:29,835 --> 00:52:31,835
(MUEZZIN CALLING TO PRAYER)
1269
00:52:35,835 --> 00:52:37,543
I have to pray. I'll be back.
1270
00:52:42,543 --> 00:52:44,543
(MUEZZIN CONTINUES CALLING)
1271
00:52:58,918 --> 00:53:00,335
(MOBILE PHONE CHIMES)
1272
00:53:26,585 --> 00:53:28,585
(UPBEAT DRUMMING)
1273
00:53:30,335 --> 00:53:32,335
(SHEHNAI PLAYING TUNE)
1274
00:54:06,418 --> 00:54:07,543
Thank you.
1275
00:54:08,168 --> 00:54:10,168
(IMPERCEPTIBLE)
1276
00:54:45,626 --> 00:54:46,626
Zoe.
1277
00:54:47,335 --> 00:54:48,335
Zoe.
1278
00:54:48,835 --> 00:54:50,501
You're in the bride's way.
1279
00:55:13,876 --> 00:55:16,001
You look very beautiful.
1280
00:55:17,835 --> 00:55:19,376
Thank you.
1281
00:55:21,085 --> 00:55:22,085
Hi.
1282
00:55:25,460 --> 00:55:26,751
- Hi.
- Hi.
1283
00:55:26,751 --> 00:55:28,168
(IN URDU)
Why are all the women here
1284
00:55:28,168 --> 00:55:29,668
dressed in easy access
garments?
1285
00:55:29,668 --> 00:55:32,043
(IN ENGLISH)
This is Pucci. Baby.
1286
00:55:34,126 --> 00:55:37,876
And that's Mousey,
Toffee and Binky.
1287
00:55:39,043 --> 00:55:40,668
(IN URDU) Do they have
no shame?
1288
00:55:41,293 --> 00:55:42,626
I want to go home.
1289
00:55:42,626 --> 00:55:44,501
(IN ENGLISH) Nani Jan,
please don't leave.
1290
00:55:44,501 --> 00:55:45,835
Not yet. It's...
1291
00:55:45,835 --> 00:55:47,418
Let her leave.
1292
00:55:47,418 --> 00:55:49,918
When dinosaurs leave,
at least we all can relax.
1293
00:55:49,918 --> 00:55:51,960
(CROWD CHEERING)
1294
00:55:52,918 --> 00:55:54,918
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
1295
00:56:22,918 --> 00:56:24,585
(IMPERCEPTIBLE)
1296
00:56:29,626 --> 00:56:31,918
(CROWD CHEERING)
1297
00:56:51,001 --> 00:56:52,668
(IN ENGLISH)
Sorry about this.
1298
00:56:52,668 --> 00:56:54,418
(AISHA SPEAKING IN URDU)
1299
00:56:54,418 --> 00:56:56,168
(IN ENGLISH)
Not too much smiling.
1300
00:57:00,501 --> 00:57:02,460
Now the party starts.
1301
00:57:02,460 --> 00:57:03,835
(OVER SPEAKERS)
♪ Pin up girl on that poster ♪
1302
00:57:03,835 --> 00:57:06,876
♪ Say so like I'm Doja
Icey ♪
1303
00:57:07,210 --> 00:57:09,918
♪ Wifey
Body shape Coca-Cola ♪
1304
00:57:09,918 --> 00:57:11,668
♪ I got a new man in my business ♪
1305
00:57:11,668 --> 00:57:13,543
♪ And he all about his business ♪
1306
00:57:13,543 --> 00:57:15,668
♪ And his name ain't
none of your business ♪
1307
00:57:15,668 --> 00:57:17,751
KAZ: Oi, don't get drunk, fellas.
1308
00:57:19,251 --> 00:57:22,335
♪ Oh, baby, let them know
'Cause they can run they mouth ♪
1309
00:57:22,335 --> 00:57:24,210
Ooh!
1310
00:57:24,543 --> 00:57:26,960
What... There's something
in that? What's in that?
1311
00:57:26,960 --> 00:57:28,335
It's Coke masala.
1312
00:57:28,335 --> 00:57:30,043
- Masala?
- It's really good.
1313
00:57:30,043 --> 00:57:32,293
- It's so good.
- (CHUCKLES)
1314
00:57:32,293 --> 00:57:35,085
- Whisky.
- Oh, my God.
1315
00:57:35,085 --> 00:57:38,960
♪ Money long like beaches
Rolls Royce screeching ♪
1316
00:57:38,960 --> 00:57:40,793
♪ Rolex gleaming ♪
1317
00:57:40,793 --> 00:57:43,751
♪ Let them know
Oh, baby, let them know ♪
1318
00:57:43,751 --> 00:57:45,210
♪ 'Cause they can run they mouth ♪
1319
00:57:45,210 --> 00:57:47,376
- I'm gonna head over there.
- WOMAN: Congratulations.
1320
00:57:48,251 --> 00:57:49,918
WOMAN: Selfie, selfie.
1321
00:57:54,001 --> 00:57:55,668
Have you seen Maymouna?
1322
00:57:56,210 --> 00:57:58,543
- I think she was...
- There she is.
1323
00:57:59,876 --> 00:58:02,001
And she's a blonde.
1324
00:58:02,001 --> 00:58:03,876
Kaz! Come!
1325
00:58:09,626 --> 00:58:11,126
- ZOE: Ooh!
- (MAYMOUNA GRUNTS)
1326
00:58:11,126 --> 00:58:14,168
Kaz, you... You still haven't
met my friend.
1327
00:58:14,710 --> 00:58:15,751
- Taqi.
- Ah.
1328
00:58:15,751 --> 00:58:17,168
Lahore's hair king.
1329
00:58:17,168 --> 00:58:18,626
Er, queen, darling.
1330
00:58:18,626 --> 00:58:20,918
And don't the honeymoon
highlights look fabulous, huh?
1331
00:58:20,918 --> 00:58:22,210
- (MAYMOUNA CHUCKLES)
- Amazing.
1332
00:58:22,210 --> 00:58:23,251
- Mmm-hmm.
- Nice to meet you.
1333
00:58:24,418 --> 00:58:26,668
- Hi. How are you?
- High. How are you?
1334
00:58:28,210 --> 00:58:30,460
(CHUCKLES) He means,
"How high are you?"
1335
00:58:30,460 --> 00:58:32,001
(TAQI AND WOMEN GIGGLE)
1336
00:58:32,001 --> 00:58:34,960
Sorry. This is my friend, Zoe.
We're friends from London.
1337
00:58:34,960 --> 00:58:36,751
- Hi. You want a jay?
- Hey.
1338
00:58:36,751 --> 00:58:38,626
Oh, no. No, thanks.
1339
00:58:38,626 --> 00:58:39,960
WOMAN: Take one.
1340
00:58:39,960 --> 00:58:43,585
Taqi brings all the treats
to the party. Always.
1341
00:58:43,585 --> 00:58:45,210
Darling, I'm only
following the rules.
1342
00:58:45,210 --> 00:58:46,293
The Quran says,
1343
00:58:46,293 --> 00:58:47,501
if a man lies
with another man,
1344
00:58:47,501 --> 00:58:49,543
- he should be stoned.
- (LAUGHS)
1345
00:58:51,710 --> 00:58:53,501
Married tomorrow.
1346
00:58:53,501 --> 00:58:55,960
- Sin tonight?
- I'm good, thank you.
1347
00:58:55,960 --> 00:58:57,210
Oh, my God.
1348
00:58:57,210 --> 00:58:59,543
I hope I'm not gonna be
calling you chachoo.
1349
00:58:59,543 --> 00:59:00,751
(CHUCKLES)
1350
00:59:00,751 --> 00:59:03,335
- What's "chachoo"?
- It means "uncle".
1351
00:59:03,335 --> 00:59:06,085
I thought
that you'd all be more...
1352
00:59:06,085 --> 00:59:07,210
More modern,
1353
00:59:07,210 --> 00:59:09,376
living in London and all,
you know.
1354
00:59:09,376 --> 00:59:11,918
But I mean, hello?
1355
00:59:11,918 --> 00:59:13,626
(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)
1356
00:59:14,293 --> 00:59:15,626
Oh... (CHUCKLES)
1357
00:59:15,626 --> 00:59:16,751
Finally.
1358
00:59:18,751 --> 00:59:19,710
Hmm.
1359
00:59:22,793 --> 00:59:25,001
- (TAQI AND WOMEN LAUGHING)
- (COUGHS)
1360
00:59:25,001 --> 00:59:27,710
- (ZOE AND KAZ LAUGH)
- Let's... Let's dance.
1361
00:59:27,710 --> 00:59:29,585
- You coming?
- Uh, not right now.
1362
00:59:29,585 --> 00:59:31,626
- You guys go. Have fun.
- Aw...
1363
00:59:31,626 --> 00:59:33,418
(SPEAKS URDU)
1364
00:59:33,418 --> 00:59:35,043
I think I'm gonna just...
1365
00:59:35,668 --> 00:59:37,001
You want?
1366
00:59:37,001 --> 00:59:38,876
No, I'm gonna go and follow...
Nice to meet you guys, though.
1367
00:59:38,876 --> 00:59:40,126
Bye!
1368
00:59:40,126 --> 00:59:42,251
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS)
1369
00:59:51,918 --> 00:59:53,293
Whoo!
1370
00:59:57,668 --> 00:59:59,376
She likes a party.
1371
01:00:05,293 --> 01:00:06,335
Yeah.
1372
01:00:11,335 --> 01:00:14,251
Not exactly what my parents
had in mind.
1373
01:00:22,710 --> 01:00:23,835
KAZ: We should go.
1374
01:00:33,293 --> 01:00:35,626
(CROWD CHEERING)
1375
01:00:39,251 --> 01:00:40,960
ZOE: Are you okay?
1376
01:00:40,960 --> 01:00:42,585
KAZ: Just tired.
1377
01:00:43,460 --> 01:00:45,210
You're sure it's okay to
1378
01:00:45,668 --> 01:00:47,668
leave your own mehndi?
1379
01:00:47,668 --> 01:00:49,918
No-one's gonna notice,
trust me.
1380
01:00:51,335 --> 01:00:52,585
Chachoo.
1381
01:00:54,793 --> 01:00:56,793
(MAN SINGING FOLK SONG)
1382
01:00:57,085 --> 01:00:58,335
One second.
1383
01:01:04,251 --> 01:01:07,293
Oh, wow.
I wanna show you something.
1384
01:01:07,585 --> 01:01:09,668
- Come. Come.
- What?
1385
01:01:16,835 --> 01:01:18,710
(PEOPLE SINGING IN CHORUS)
1386
01:01:25,043 --> 01:01:26,751
Sufi music.
1387
01:01:28,793 --> 01:01:31,376
No, Zoe. Just listen.
Just listen. He's...
1388
01:01:31,835 --> 01:01:33,585
He's singing to God.
1389
01:01:37,460 --> 01:01:39,043
Singing about a...
1390
01:01:40,668 --> 01:01:42,251
dangerous love.
1391
01:01:43,210 --> 01:01:44,543
Keeps him awake at night.
1392
01:01:44,543 --> 01:01:46,543
(CONTINUES SINGING FOLK SONG)
1393
01:02:02,126 --> 01:02:04,126
(VOCALISING)
1394
01:02:04,793 --> 01:02:06,210
You see?
1395
01:02:06,793 --> 01:02:08,376
He's going mad.
1396
01:02:09,835 --> 01:02:12,085
(SINGING PASSIONATELY)
1397
01:02:13,001 --> 01:02:14,001
I told you, Zoe.
1398
01:02:14,001 --> 01:02:16,001
Love is a dangerous
mental illness.
1399
01:02:34,210 --> 01:02:36,210
(CONTINUES SINGING
PASSIONATELY)
1400
01:03:18,751 --> 01:03:21,001
(EXHALES) What?
1401
01:03:23,668 --> 01:03:25,335
I didn't forget it.
1402
01:03:28,501 --> 01:03:30,210
The treehouse.
1403
01:03:47,418 --> 01:03:48,460
(KEYS JANGLE)
1404
01:04:02,793 --> 01:04:04,085
(PHONE SCREEN TAPPING)
1405
01:04:54,251 --> 01:04:55,543
If it wasn't for Islam,
1406
01:04:55,543 --> 01:04:57,210
there would have been
no Reformation.
1407
01:04:57,210 --> 01:04:58,668
- No Renaissance.
- Hi.
1408
01:04:58,668 --> 01:05:00,085
ZAHID: No toothbrushes.
1409
01:05:00,085 --> 01:05:01,168
Hi.
1410
01:05:02,460 --> 01:05:04,626
Hello, everyone.
That was a hoot, wasn't it?
1411
01:05:04,626 --> 01:05:06,376
- AISHA: Have something to eat?
- I'm fine.
1412
01:05:07,251 --> 01:05:08,376
Where did you all go?
1413
01:05:08,376 --> 01:05:10,835
I was perfecting my Hollywood,
1414
01:05:10,835 --> 01:05:13,168
Dollywood, Bollywood,
1415
01:05:13,168 --> 01:05:16,210
thingies, and I turned round,
you'd all disappeared.
1416
01:05:16,210 --> 01:05:18,210
What else did Muslims invent?
1417
01:05:18,210 --> 01:05:19,460
- SUMAIRA: Algorithms.
- Bicycles.
1418
01:05:19,460 --> 01:05:21,335
- Coffee. Algebra.
- Chickens?
1419
01:05:21,335 --> 01:05:23,751
- ZOE: No, that's...
- Chicken korma?
1420
01:05:24,710 --> 01:05:26,335
- The first flying machine.
- Yes.
1421
01:05:26,335 --> 01:05:27,793
- Yes, well done.
- That's right!
1422
01:05:27,793 --> 01:05:29,543
(ZAHID EXCLAIMS IN URDU)
1423
01:05:29,543 --> 01:05:31,835
CATH: (IN ENGLISH) I could do
without algorithms myself.
1424
01:05:32,168 --> 01:05:33,210
AISHA: (IN URDU) Thank God
1425
01:05:33,210 --> 01:05:35,751
(IN ENGLISH) the bride didn't
join the dancing last night.
1426
01:05:35,751 --> 01:05:38,001
Oh, well, no, you...
1427
01:05:39,543 --> 01:05:41,418
No, she didn't.
1428
01:05:42,418 --> 01:05:43,585
- You enjoyed yourself.
- (SOFTLY) Hi.
1429
01:05:43,585 --> 01:05:44,835
That's important.
1430
01:05:44,835 --> 01:05:47,085
Um, do you think we can talk?
1431
01:05:47,085 --> 01:05:50,251
5:00 p.m. sharp for the nikah,
everybody, okay?
1432
01:05:50,251 --> 01:05:53,585
- I'm not sure...
- No, on camera, I mean.
1433
01:05:55,460 --> 01:05:56,876
(ZOE CLEARING THROAT)
1434
01:05:59,793 --> 01:06:01,043
(CAMERA BEEPS)
1435
01:06:02,085 --> 01:06:04,668
You're getting married
in a few hours.
1436
01:06:05,418 --> 01:06:06,418
KAZ: Yeah.
1437
01:06:07,376 --> 01:06:08,501
How are you feeling?
1438
01:06:08,501 --> 01:06:10,626
Feeling fine.
1439
01:06:10,626 --> 01:06:13,251
No pre-wedding nerves, or...
1440
01:06:13,251 --> 01:06:14,543
No.
1441
01:06:20,543 --> 01:06:21,960
I'm all good.
1442
01:06:28,043 --> 01:06:30,543
You're still fully signed up
to this?
1443
01:06:32,168 --> 01:06:33,168
Yes.
1444
01:06:39,168 --> 01:06:41,210
And this is what you want?
1445
01:06:42,626 --> 01:06:44,376
Yes, this is what I want.
1446
01:06:56,460 --> 01:06:58,210
Is that it, or...
1447
01:06:59,251 --> 01:07:00,835
Got everything you need?
1448
01:07:01,835 --> 01:07:03,376
Kaz, this is mad.
1449
01:07:04,418 --> 01:07:05,793
What's... What's mad?
1450
01:07:06,501 --> 01:07:09,251
(SOFTLY) I just, um...
1451
01:07:09,251 --> 01:07:11,835
I just... I feel
like everyone's pretending.
1452
01:07:11,835 --> 01:07:13,543
- Who's pretending?
- Er...
1453
01:07:13,543 --> 01:07:14,960
(SCOFFS) Everyone.
1454
01:07:15,876 --> 01:07:19,085
I mean, just you're pretending
Jamila doesn't exist.
1455
01:07:19,085 --> 01:07:21,751
Er, pretending Maymouna
doesn't dance.
1456
01:07:21,751 --> 01:07:24,960
Pretending no one has sex!
Kaz, you're 32 years old!
1457
01:07:24,960 --> 01:07:27,293
And your parents don't even
know you smoke.
1458
01:07:27,293 --> 01:07:29,876
Oh, my God. I told you before.
That's about respect, Zoe.
1459
01:07:29,876 --> 01:07:32,210
This is not a veil
on your sins.
1460
01:07:32,210 --> 01:07:36,418
This is a bloody great burka
shrouding your whole identity.
1461
01:07:38,460 --> 01:07:39,793
What do you want?
1462
01:07:39,793 --> 01:07:42,460
I don't want you to marry
someone you don't love.
1463
01:07:44,085 --> 01:07:45,835
Life's too short.
1464
01:07:46,418 --> 01:07:48,710
And too long
to marry the wrong person.
1465
01:07:49,418 --> 01:07:50,876
What do you want for you?
1466
01:07:50,876 --> 01:07:52,168
Well, this isn't about me.
1467
01:07:52,168 --> 01:07:53,835
Don't worry about me.
I'm fine.
1468
01:07:53,835 --> 01:07:55,418
You keep questioning
my decisions.
1469
01:07:55,418 --> 01:07:56,668
Maybe you should focus
on your own choices.
1470
01:07:56,668 --> 01:07:58,001
What is that supposed to mean?
1471
01:07:58,001 --> 01:07:59,293
Maybe the reason
you haven't got anyone
1472
01:07:59,293 --> 01:08:01,210
to watch a TV series with
1473
01:08:01,210 --> 01:08:02,293
is that you actively
1474
01:08:02,293 --> 01:08:03,543
search out anyone
who is wrong.
1475
01:08:03,543 --> 01:08:05,585
Oh, my God. This is bullshit.
1476
01:08:05,585 --> 01:08:06,876
No, it's not bullshit.
1477
01:08:06,876 --> 01:08:08,668
A man could be wearing
a literal red flag,
1478
01:08:08,668 --> 01:08:10,876
and you'd think it was
a sexy colour on him.
1479
01:08:11,126 --> 01:08:13,376
If the first person you date
is a dick, you're unlucky.
1480
01:08:13,376 --> 01:08:16,125
If the next ten people
you date are dicks,
1481
01:08:16,125 --> 01:08:17,210
then maybe you need
1482
01:08:17,210 --> 01:08:18,710
to take a long look
at yourself in the mirror,
1483
01:08:18,710 --> 01:08:20,375
and ask yourself why.
1484
01:08:25,500 --> 01:08:26,793
Have you got any more
1485
01:08:26,793 --> 01:08:29,335
profound psychological
insights?
1486
01:08:29,335 --> 01:08:30,585
I have a question.
1487
01:08:32,500 --> 01:08:34,835
Does it hurt less
when you aim low and miss?
1488
01:08:41,585 --> 01:08:42,918
Huh.
1489
01:08:43,585 --> 01:08:44,585
(SIGHS)
1490
01:08:56,250 --> 01:08:57,250
(SCOFFS)
1491
01:09:06,125 --> 01:09:07,125
(SIGHS)
1492
01:09:09,960 --> 01:09:12,043
NANI JAN: (IN URDU)
Be careful.
1493
01:09:14,585 --> 01:09:15,750
(IN URDU) I didn't see you,
Nani Jan.
1494
01:09:15,750 --> 01:09:17,418
But you heard me.
1495
01:09:21,000 --> 01:09:24,043
Don't break our hearts again.
1496
01:09:45,000 --> 01:09:46,125
(IMPERCEPTIBLE)
1497
01:09:48,210 --> 01:09:49,335
(IN ENGLISH) Agreed.
1498
01:11:14,043 --> 01:11:15,293
All Pakistani brides
always cry
1499
01:11:15,293 --> 01:11:16,918
as they leave their family.
1500
01:11:16,918 --> 01:11:17,960
It's a tradition.
1501
01:11:19,543 --> 01:11:21,418
(WHISPERING)
Isn't it gorgeous?
1502
01:11:35,793 --> 01:11:37,876
MAUD: Can we have
Beauty And The Beast?
1503
01:11:37,876 --> 01:11:39,501
LILY: Yes, please.
1504
01:11:39,501 --> 01:11:42,168
Yeah, of course you can.
1505
01:11:42,168 --> 01:11:43,251
Come on, then.
1506
01:11:43,251 --> 01:11:44,543
- Coming.
- (LAUGHS)
1507
01:11:46,251 --> 01:11:48,793
(SIGHS) Beauty And The Beast.
1508
01:11:50,168 --> 01:11:52,293
Well, Beast had his faults.
1509
01:11:52,960 --> 01:11:55,168
But persistence pays off.
1510
01:11:55,168 --> 01:11:58,210
He didn't actually lock Beauty
in his cellar.
1511
01:11:58,543 --> 01:12:00,001
That's just
what a relationship
1512
01:12:00,001 --> 01:12:01,793
felt like to Beauty.
1513
01:12:01,793 --> 01:12:03,001
Over time,
1514
01:12:03,001 --> 01:12:05,418
Beauty grew to enjoy
Beast's company.
1515
01:12:06,043 --> 01:12:07,085
You know,
1516
01:12:07,085 --> 01:12:08,793
he was dependable
and available,
1517
01:12:09,210 --> 01:12:11,876
and there's a lot to be said
for those qualities.
1518
01:12:12,543 --> 01:12:15,376
Was the Beast
her dream hunk? No.
1519
01:12:15,376 --> 01:12:18,376
Did he sweep her
off her feet? No.
1520
01:12:18,376 --> 01:12:21,501
Did he take her breath away?
Perhaps not.
1521
01:12:21,501 --> 01:12:22,876
But Beauty had learnt
1522
01:12:22,876 --> 01:12:25,126
that it's better
to simmer, then boil.
1523
01:12:25,126 --> 01:12:28,501
Do you not have to be a vegan
to do your job?
1524
01:12:28,501 --> 01:12:29,835
To be a vet.
1525
01:12:29,835 --> 01:12:31,001
No, actually, normally,
1526
01:12:31,001 --> 01:12:32,126
I'm only allowed to eat
1527
01:12:32,126 --> 01:12:33,501
the animals I put down.
1528
01:12:33,501 --> 01:12:34,418
- I'm kidding.
- (ALL LAUGHING)
1529
01:12:34,418 --> 01:12:35,751
I'm just kidding. I'm kidding.
1530
01:12:35,751 --> 01:12:36,960
JAMES: I'm...
1531
01:12:36,960 --> 01:12:38,126
- (LAUGHS)
- (MOBILE PHONE CHIMES)
1532
01:12:39,751 --> 01:12:42,168
That's so close
to the bone. (LAUGHS)
1533
01:12:50,543 --> 01:12:52,668
HELENA: Right,
does anyone want anymore?
1534
01:12:52,668 --> 01:12:55,168
ZOE: What the Beast was, kids,
1535
01:12:55,168 --> 01:12:57,543
was good enough. (SCOFFS)
1536
01:12:58,085 --> 01:12:59,918
And sometimes,
1537
01:13:00,710 --> 01:13:04,210
good enough is good enough.
1538
01:13:04,668 --> 01:13:07,585
And she was in love
with the Beast.
1539
01:13:07,585 --> 01:13:10,085
She was in like with him.
1540
01:13:10,085 --> 01:13:11,710
What do you mean, "in like"?
1541
01:13:11,710 --> 01:13:14,710
In like with him,
which is way more important.
1542
01:13:16,251 --> 01:13:18,585
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
1543
01:13:21,501 --> 01:13:23,001
- Zoe.
- Great crowd.
1544
01:13:23,001 --> 01:13:24,293
OLLY: Mmm.
ZOE: Yeah.
1545
01:13:24,293 --> 01:13:26,001
- Diverse.
- SAM: Tick.
1546
01:13:26,668 --> 01:13:28,876
- Ooh. Grey pound.
- Tick.
1547
01:13:28,876 --> 01:13:30,376
This is my mum, actually.
1548
01:13:30,376 --> 01:13:33,335
Mum, this is Olly and Sam
who commissioned the film.
1549
01:13:33,335 --> 01:13:36,168
Oh, important. (LAUGHS)
1550
01:13:36,168 --> 01:13:38,376
So nice to meet you.
Am I in it?
1551
01:13:38,376 --> 01:13:39,626
Oh, you'll have
to wait and see.
1552
01:13:39,626 --> 01:13:41,793
- (LAUGHS)
- ZOE: Yeah.
1553
01:13:41,793 --> 01:13:43,001
Oh, that's James.
1554
01:13:43,001 --> 01:13:44,501
This is Zoe's boyfriend. Saintly.
1555
01:13:44,501 --> 01:13:45,918
And he's a top vet.
1556
01:13:45,918 --> 01:13:47,001
Aren't you?
1557
01:13:47,001 --> 01:13:48,085
Oh, well,
don't know about that.
1558
01:13:48,085 --> 01:13:49,751
Britain's Top Vet?
1559
01:13:49,751 --> 01:13:51,210
Here we go. Here they come.
1560
01:13:51,210 --> 01:13:52,543
Leading vets compete
1561
01:13:52,543 --> 01:13:53,668
in a range
of medical challenges.
1562
01:13:53,668 --> 01:13:54,835
- Excuse me. Excuse me.
- James, yes.
1563
01:13:54,835 --> 01:13:56,876
- Okay, yeah.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
1564
01:13:57,876 --> 01:13:58,918
Hi.
1565
01:13:59,626 --> 01:14:01,001
Hi.
1566
01:14:01,710 --> 01:14:02,668
How are you?
1567
01:14:04,710 --> 01:14:05,710
Good.
1568
01:14:06,418 --> 01:14:08,293
How... How's married life?
1569
01:14:08,293 --> 01:14:10,543
I'm getting settled. It's...
1570
01:14:11,168 --> 01:14:12,210
Mmm-hmm.
1571
01:14:13,418 --> 01:14:16,251
- I heard you met someone.
- Kind of. Um...
1572
01:14:17,585 --> 01:14:21,001
My mum did.
I followed your example.
1573
01:14:21,001 --> 01:14:22,668
- So, yeah. Not a dick.
- (KAZ CHUCKLES)
1574
01:14:24,001 --> 01:14:25,418
Result.
1575
01:14:27,876 --> 01:14:29,001
Are you happy?
1576
01:14:29,668 --> 01:14:30,668
Mmm-hmm.
1577
01:14:32,043 --> 01:14:33,251
And you?
1578
01:14:33,251 --> 01:14:35,376
Yeah. I'm getting there.
1579
01:14:36,960 --> 01:14:38,543
Good. (CHUCKLES)
1580
01:14:40,460 --> 01:14:42,335
- Hi.
- Hi, Maymouna.
1581
01:14:42,335 --> 01:14:45,043
Hi. How are you doing?
How are you enjoying London?
1582
01:14:45,043 --> 01:14:46,751
London is good.
1583
01:14:46,751 --> 01:14:48,751
She's missing home.
1584
01:14:48,751 --> 01:14:51,668
- Which is only natural.
- Of course. (CHUCKLES)
1585
01:14:51,668 --> 01:14:53,376
But, hey, listen. Um...
1586
01:14:53,835 --> 01:14:55,418
About the film.
1587
01:14:55,668 --> 01:14:58,293
I just... I wanted to
warn you. It's a rough cut,
1588
01:14:58,293 --> 01:14:59,793
so, it's just...
There's still...
1589
01:14:59,793 --> 01:15:03,126
Okay, everyone.
We are ready to kick off.
1590
01:15:03,126 --> 01:15:04,876
- So, Zoe, okay?
- (ZOE EXHALES SHARPLY)
1591
01:15:05,835 --> 01:15:07,710
ZOE: (SOFTLY) Shall we?
1592
01:15:07,710 --> 01:15:09,793
- Good luck.
- Yeah. Thanks. You, too.
1593
01:15:09,793 --> 01:15:11,835
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
1594
01:15:17,501 --> 01:15:19,626
Hello. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
1595
01:15:19,626 --> 01:15:21,585
Hi, everyone. Um...
1596
01:15:22,501 --> 01:15:25,626
Wow, thank you so much
for coming. Thank you.
1597
01:15:25,626 --> 01:15:27,210
I just wanted
to say a few words
1598
01:15:27,210 --> 01:15:28,876
about my own journey
1599
01:15:28,876 --> 01:15:30,085
making this film.
1600
01:15:30,710 --> 01:15:33,876
So, I used to think
that arranged marriages
1601
01:15:33,876 --> 01:15:37,585
were this mad, out-dated idea.
1602
01:15:38,251 --> 01:15:41,335
And, when my friend and
neighbour, Farooq, had one,
1603
01:15:41,335 --> 01:15:43,376
I couldn't believe
he could ever be happy.
1604
01:15:44,668 --> 01:15:47,793
(CHUCKLES) But I was wrong.
1605
01:15:47,793 --> 01:15:50,918
I was wrong.
Um, and now I wonder
1606
01:15:50,918 --> 01:15:54,418
as someone with a slightly
chequered romantic history...
1607
01:15:54,418 --> 01:15:55,960
- (CLEARS THROAT)
- Oh, no heckling, please.
1608
01:15:55,960 --> 01:15:57,085
Thanks, Mum.
1609
01:15:57,085 --> 01:16:00,626
Now I wonder whether there
is something to be learned
1610
01:16:00,626 --> 01:16:03,960
from a social system which
offers the opportunity to meet
1611
01:16:03,960 --> 01:16:06,251
available, like-minded,
1612
01:16:06,835 --> 01:16:09,668
non-commitment phobic men, um,
1613
01:16:10,043 --> 01:16:12,668
chosen by the person
who knows you best.
1614
01:16:13,293 --> 01:16:15,210
Me. Like me.
1615
01:16:16,293 --> 01:16:19,918
And also, you know,
maybe between the two extremes
1616
01:16:19,918 --> 01:16:21,543
of no choice
in forced marriages,
1617
01:16:21,543 --> 01:16:24,626
and just too much choice
on dating apps...
1618
01:16:25,043 --> 01:16:27,168
I'm always on dating apps.
1619
01:16:27,168 --> 01:16:28,376
You know,
1620
01:16:28,376 --> 01:16:30,626
maybe somewhere between
passion and pragmatism,
1621
01:16:31,001 --> 01:16:33,876
maybe there's a path
to happy ever after.
1622
01:16:33,876 --> 01:16:35,001
- MAN: Inshallah, inshallah.
- (SPEAKS URDU)
1623
01:16:35,001 --> 01:16:36,293
ZOE: Inshallah.
1624
01:16:36,293 --> 01:16:37,793
Um, okay,
I'm gonna stop waffling now.
1625
01:16:37,793 --> 01:16:39,626
I'm talking way too much.
1626
01:16:39,626 --> 01:16:42,376
But I do want to say
just the biggest thank you
1627
01:16:42,376 --> 01:16:43,793
to Kaz and Maymouna.
1628
01:16:43,793 --> 01:16:45,668
Thank you so, so much
1629
01:16:45,668 --> 01:16:47,251
- for allowing me to film...
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
1630
01:16:47,251 --> 01:16:50,251
...you walking into love.
1631
01:17:04,001 --> 01:17:05,501
(AISHA SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
OVER RECORDING)
1632
01:17:05,501 --> 01:17:06,668
(BREATHING SHAKILY, SIGHS)
1633
01:17:08,251 --> 01:17:09,585
(CLEARS THROAT)
1634
01:17:09,585 --> 01:17:11,960
- Er, hi. (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)
- Hi.
1635
01:17:11,960 --> 01:17:14,751
- All right. Can I just take?
- Yeah, of course.
1636
01:17:14,751 --> 01:17:15,876
Cheers.
1637
01:17:15,876 --> 01:17:17,876
(AISHA CONTINUES
SPEAKING OVER RECORDING)
1638
01:17:24,668 --> 01:17:27,710
Is it that different from
using filters on your Tinder?
1639
01:17:27,710 --> 01:17:29,210
It's not really lying, is it?
1640
01:17:29,210 --> 01:17:30,251
It's...
1641
01:17:30,710 --> 01:17:31,960
We're just told to put
1642
01:17:31,960 --> 01:17:33,251
- a veil on our sins.
- ZOE: Ooh.
1643
01:17:33,251 --> 01:17:36,501
IMAM: Nikah is a sacred
marriage contract.
1644
01:17:36,501 --> 01:17:38,126
According to Islam,
1645
01:17:38,126 --> 01:17:40,751
bride and groom must both
1646
01:17:40,751 --> 01:17:43,126
define their own terms
and conditions.
1647
01:17:43,126 --> 01:17:47,751
Power of divorce is available
to both partners equally.
1648
01:17:47,751 --> 01:17:50,626
Mahr is a token commitment
1649
01:17:50,626 --> 01:17:52,376
of the husband's
responsibility.
1650
01:17:56,293 --> 01:17:57,335
JAMES: Hi.
1651
01:17:57,335 --> 01:17:59,168
Oh, hi.
1652
01:17:59,168 --> 01:18:01,210
(ZOE SIGHS)
1653
01:18:01,918 --> 01:18:04,043
- How's it going down?
- Yeah, good.
1654
01:18:04,043 --> 01:18:07,001
(WHIMPERING)
I don't dare go back in.
1655
01:18:07,001 --> 01:18:08,085
- What?
- Huh?
1656
01:18:08,085 --> 01:18:09,585
You're super talented.
1657
01:18:09,585 --> 01:18:10,668
Oh.
1658
01:18:12,835 --> 01:18:13,876
Ugh!
1659
01:18:13,876 --> 01:18:15,293
- Zoe.
- Mmm?
1660
01:18:16,293 --> 01:18:17,751
Can we talk?
1661
01:18:19,543 --> 01:18:21,085
(STUTTERS)
1662
01:18:21,085 --> 01:18:23,793
Nothing good's ever come
after those three words, but...
1663
01:18:23,793 --> 01:18:24,835
Look...
1664
01:18:26,376 --> 01:18:27,293
You're the dream.
1665
01:18:27,918 --> 01:18:29,543
If I ever thought I'd end up
with someone like you,
1666
01:18:29,543 --> 01:18:31,418
I never would have
been a tortured teenager.
1667
01:18:31,418 --> 01:18:32,460
Ooh.
1668
01:18:32,460 --> 01:18:33,543
(INHALES SHARPLY)
1669
01:18:34,001 --> 01:18:36,793
You're either proposing to me
or breaking up with me.
1670
01:18:36,793 --> 01:18:38,210
I can't figure out which.
1671
01:18:44,585 --> 01:18:46,293
Oh, shit.
1672
01:18:47,918 --> 01:18:49,251
(SCOFFS)
1673
01:18:49,251 --> 01:18:50,710
I just don't want...
1674
01:18:51,418 --> 01:18:52,543
(SIGHS)
1675
01:18:55,085 --> 01:18:57,168
I just can't be your plan B.
1676
01:19:00,501 --> 01:19:02,001
- I want more than that.
- Don't...
1677
01:19:02,001 --> 01:19:04,293
What are you doing?
This is fine.
1678
01:19:04,293 --> 01:19:05,668
All right? This is going fine.
1679
01:19:05,668 --> 01:19:08,918
Yeah, but I don't want fine.
1680
01:19:08,918 --> 01:19:10,043
Why?
1681
01:19:10,043 --> 01:19:12,168
Everyone likes fine!
1682
01:19:12,168 --> 01:19:14,793
Zoe, you don't
want fine either.
1683
01:19:22,376 --> 01:19:24,668
How do you know what I want?
1684
01:19:36,210 --> 01:19:37,293
(STUTTERS)
1685
01:19:37,293 --> 01:19:40,543
- What am I gonna tell my mum?
- Oh, um...
1686
01:19:41,626 --> 01:19:44,626
Tell her
that I will probably end up
1687
01:19:44,626 --> 01:19:46,793
being your sensible
second husband.
1688
01:19:51,918 --> 01:19:53,918
Well, I mean, either that
or I'll marry the dog.
1689
01:19:53,918 --> 01:19:55,251
(LAUGHS HOARSELY)
1690
01:20:09,668 --> 01:20:11,418
JAMILA: It was devastating.
1691
01:20:13,585 --> 01:20:15,543
I think the worst moment
for me was
1692
01:20:15,543 --> 01:20:18,085
when we had
our beautiful little girl,
1693
01:20:19,168 --> 01:20:23,085
and I realised that she would
never know her grandparents.
1694
01:20:23,751 --> 01:20:26,585
I had such a special
relationship with mine.
1695
01:20:27,793 --> 01:20:30,168
But I always knew that
1696
01:20:30,168 --> 01:20:33,210
that would be the price
we'd pay to be together.
1697
01:20:33,960 --> 01:20:37,751
I, um... I did read the Quran
before we got married
1698
01:20:37,751 --> 01:20:40,126
just to try and understand it
a bit.
1699
01:20:40,960 --> 01:20:42,793
It says, "A husband and wife
1700
01:20:42,793 --> 01:20:45,168
"should be like garments
to each other.
1701
01:20:45,168 --> 01:20:47,460
"To protect and keep
each other warm".
1702
01:20:48,126 --> 01:20:50,126
We used that
in our wedding vows.
1703
01:20:51,126 --> 01:20:53,126
ZOE: Do you have any regrets?
1704
01:20:53,501 --> 01:20:56,835
I regret that I caused
my family so much pain.
1705
01:20:57,668 --> 01:21:00,335
Especially my nani jan,
my grandmother.
1706
01:21:02,085 --> 01:21:04,501
I can never forget her face
when I left.
1707
01:21:06,543 --> 01:21:08,710
(SIGHING) But, I...
1708
01:21:08,710 --> 01:21:10,543
I don't believe that
1709
01:21:10,543 --> 01:21:13,251
we choose who we fall
in love with. It's...
1710
01:21:13,251 --> 01:21:16,835
It's too overwhelming
to be in our control.
1711
01:21:18,335 --> 01:21:21,918
But even if it had been
a choice and not my kismet,
1712
01:21:22,543 --> 01:21:24,418
I'd still have chosen him.
1713
01:21:30,085 --> 01:21:32,085
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
- (BLOWS SHARPLY)
1714
01:21:36,626 --> 01:21:38,043
ZOE: (SOFTLY) Hey.
1715
01:21:38,793 --> 01:21:40,710
What were you thinking, Zoe?
1716
01:21:41,210 --> 01:21:42,543
I trusted you.
1717
01:21:43,210 --> 01:21:45,126
I was just doing my job.
1718
01:21:45,126 --> 01:21:46,710
Your job isn't
to humiliate my family
1719
01:21:46,710 --> 01:21:48,668
by broadcasting our issues
to the world.
1720
01:21:48,668 --> 01:21:51,335
I had to include Jamila.
Come on.
1721
01:21:51,335 --> 01:21:53,835
Please, why is that
so humiliating?
1722
01:21:55,335 --> 01:21:56,668
(ZOE BREATHING HEAVILY)
1723
01:21:57,376 --> 01:21:59,210
Number 47...
1724
01:21:59,210 --> 01:22:00,918
number 49.
1725
01:22:00,918 --> 01:22:02,710
Different continents.
1726
01:22:07,251 --> 01:22:09,251
(BREATH TREMBLING)
1727
01:22:09,585 --> 01:22:11,376
It was beautiful.
1728
01:22:11,376 --> 01:22:13,335
- (ZOE SOBS)
- Maymouna.
1729
01:22:16,085 --> 01:22:17,376
Thank you.
1730
01:22:17,376 --> 01:22:19,376
(PEOPLE CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY)
1731
01:22:45,918 --> 01:22:47,501
Zoe, that was a bit cruel.
1732
01:22:47,501 --> 01:22:49,126
You could have told me
that outfit made me look
1733
01:22:49,126 --> 01:22:50,418
like a pile of dirty washing.
1734
01:22:50,418 --> 01:22:53,585
- Oh! Mum, not now!
- Where's... Where's James?
1735
01:22:53,585 --> 01:22:56,085
He just dumped me. So...
1736
01:22:56,085 --> 01:22:59,085
Oh, Zoe,
what have you done now?
1737
01:22:59,085 --> 01:23:02,418
Oh, no! I thought
he was finally the solution.
1738
01:23:02,418 --> 01:23:04,918
Oh! You sound like Hitler!
1739
01:23:05,793 --> 01:23:06,793
Zoe...
1740
01:23:07,085 --> 01:23:10,293
Come on, he's the best one
you've ever picked.
1741
01:23:10,293 --> 01:23:12,335
I didn't pick him. You did.
1742
01:23:21,168 --> 01:23:23,460
I'm worried
you're gonna end up alone.
1743
01:23:25,335 --> 01:23:28,043
You're alone. You seem fine.
1744
01:23:29,876 --> 01:23:32,001
- That's different...
- Am I
1745
01:23:32,001 --> 01:23:34,418
just half a person
when I'm not with a man?
1746
01:23:34,418 --> 01:23:35,710
Is that what you think?
1747
01:23:35,710 --> 01:23:37,710
Am I just not enough for you
as I am?
1748
01:23:39,251 --> 01:23:42,668
Oh, darling, that's not fair.
That's not fair!
1749
01:23:42,668 --> 01:23:44,085
- I can't do this.
- I didn't...
1750
01:23:46,668 --> 01:23:47,626
Zoe.
1751
01:24:13,918 --> 01:24:15,918
(BOTH LAUGHING)
1752
01:24:27,418 --> 01:24:28,418
(MOBILE PHONE CHIMES)
1753
01:24:33,710 --> 01:24:34,751
(MOBILE PHONE CHIMES)
1754
01:24:39,001 --> 01:24:41,001
Do you need to get that?
1755
01:25:13,001 --> 01:25:14,335
Why didn't you tell me?
1756
01:25:28,001 --> 01:25:29,001
(KAZ SIGHS)
1757
01:25:33,085 --> 01:25:34,710
So, what do we do now?
1758
01:25:37,501 --> 01:25:38,585
Pretend.
1759
01:25:39,751 --> 01:25:41,335
Like everyone else.
1760
01:25:43,751 --> 01:25:44,751
(SCOFFS)
1761
01:25:50,501 --> 01:25:51,585
"Pretend".
1762
01:26:01,126 --> 01:26:02,168
(LAUGHS)
1763
01:26:05,418 --> 01:26:07,001
ZOE: Sleeping Beauty
1764
01:26:08,335 --> 01:26:09,835
tried to
1765
01:26:10,710 --> 01:26:13,085
fake it to make it.
1766
01:26:13,085 --> 01:26:14,751
(GIGGLING)
1767
01:26:25,751 --> 01:26:27,585
She was just sad.
1768
01:26:29,793 --> 01:26:32,126
And so she went to sleep
1769
01:26:33,751 --> 01:26:36,085
for 100 years.
1770
01:26:41,168 --> 01:26:43,335
Snow White was also sad.
1771
01:26:44,626 --> 01:26:47,335
She ate a poisoned apple
on purpose
1772
01:26:49,001 --> 01:26:50,876
because she was depressed.
1773
01:26:52,210 --> 01:26:53,960
Which literally means
1774
01:26:55,793 --> 01:26:57,460
"deep rest".
1775
01:26:59,626 --> 01:27:00,626
And...
1776
01:27:01,501 --> 01:27:04,168
No-one lived
happily ever after
1777
01:27:07,168 --> 01:27:09,376
because that never happens
in real life.
1778
01:27:11,168 --> 01:27:13,835
- Only in fairy tales.
- (MOBILE PHONE CHIMES)
1779
01:27:19,168 --> 01:27:20,210
(MOBILE PHONE THUDS SOFTLY)
1780
01:27:20,210 --> 01:27:21,293
DOCTOR: So, yeah,
1781
01:27:21,293 --> 01:27:22,293
if we look
at the section here...
1782
01:27:32,043 --> 01:27:34,543
What are you doing here?
All good?
1783
01:27:34,543 --> 01:27:37,793
I keep calling and calling,
you never answer my phone.
1784
01:27:38,876 --> 01:27:40,335
(SPEAKING IN URDU)
1785
01:27:41,043 --> 01:27:42,251
All okay?
1786
01:27:43,043 --> 01:27:45,126
Yeah, everything's okay.
1787
01:27:50,751 --> 01:27:52,668
How's Maymouna? And...
1788
01:27:54,210 --> 01:27:56,126
How are you both getting on?
1789
01:27:56,668 --> 01:27:57,835
It's all fine.
1790
01:28:05,168 --> 01:28:07,168
Beta, it takes time to adjust.
1791
01:28:09,085 --> 01:28:11,585
It wasn't easy for me either
at the start.
1792
01:28:12,710 --> 01:28:15,585
Your father and I hardly spoke
for the first month,
1793
01:28:15,585 --> 01:28:16,668
and now look at us.
1794
01:28:18,710 --> 01:28:22,251
Sorry, ammi, I'm...
So much to do. I'm busy today.
1795
01:28:28,168 --> 01:28:29,168
Okay.
1796
01:28:30,251 --> 01:28:32,418
So I'll see you both
for Eid tomorrow.
1797
01:28:32,876 --> 01:28:33,835
If it's confirmed.
1798
01:28:34,793 --> 01:28:36,251
I'll call you later, huh?
1799
01:28:36,251 --> 01:28:37,251
(SPEAKING IN URDU)
1800
01:28:39,918 --> 01:28:41,501
You know, beta,
1801
01:28:41,501 --> 01:28:43,376
why the Prophet said,
1802
01:28:43,376 --> 01:28:46,126
"Paradise lies
at the mother's feet"?
1803
01:28:49,043 --> 01:28:50,876
Because there is no love
1804
01:28:50,876 --> 01:28:53,126
greater than a mother's love
for her child.
1805
01:28:57,293 --> 01:28:59,460
That's why our prayers
are double.
1806
01:29:01,543 --> 01:29:04,126
You know what I pray for
every night?
1807
01:29:06,501 --> 01:29:08,501
I pray for your happiness.
1808
01:29:09,585 --> 01:29:11,876
And the happiness
of all my children.
1809
01:29:14,793 --> 01:29:16,626
That's all that matters.
1810
01:29:25,751 --> 01:29:28,001
You know, I just wanna be
a good son, ammi.
1811
01:29:28,876 --> 01:29:30,543
That's it.
1812
01:29:35,501 --> 01:29:37,501
(AISHA SPEAKS LOVINGLY
IN URDU)
1813
01:29:51,918 --> 01:29:54,335
AUTOMATED VOICE:
For your messages, press two.
1814
01:29:54,335 --> 01:29:57,418
Received, 3:34 p.m.
1815
01:29:57,418 --> 01:29:59,751
OLLY: Hi, Zoe.
Olly and Sam here
1816
01:29:59,751 --> 01:30:01,210
from Big Bull Productions.
1817
01:30:01,210 --> 01:30:02,460
Look, we loved the doc,
1818
01:30:02,460 --> 01:30:04,668
but we've got a problem, okay?
White lens.
1819
01:30:04,668 --> 01:30:06,418
SAM: Yeah,
diverse subject, great.
1820
01:30:06,418 --> 01:30:08,585
White director,
it's not so great.
1821
01:30:08,585 --> 01:30:10,460
OLLY: Yeah, so, we're gonna
have to hit pause
1822
01:30:10,460 --> 01:30:11,960
- on the project, okay?
- (SIGHS DEEPLY)
1823
01:30:11,960 --> 01:30:13,126
We're really sorry, obviously.
1824
01:30:13,126 --> 01:30:14,210
SAM: Really sorry.
OLLY: Obviously.
1825
01:30:14,210 --> 01:30:15,710
SAM: And give us a call
if you want a chat.
1826
01:30:15,710 --> 01:30:17,001
- ZOE: Oh, shit.
- Okay. Bye.
1827
01:30:17,001 --> 01:30:19,418
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Press two to repeat.
1828
01:30:21,918 --> 01:30:23,418
You shouldn't
leave your knickers
1829
01:30:23,418 --> 01:30:26,251
just lying about on display.
1830
01:30:26,793 --> 01:30:28,668
I don't understand.
1831
01:30:28,668 --> 01:30:31,460
- Why are you all dressed up?
- It's Eid.
1832
01:30:31,460 --> 01:30:32,960
I'm going to the Khans.
1833
01:30:34,210 --> 01:30:35,668
That's good.
1834
01:30:36,751 --> 01:30:38,251
Do you want to come?
1835
01:30:38,960 --> 01:30:39,918
No, thank you.
1836
01:30:42,293 --> 01:30:44,085
(CHUCKLING)
I'm the last person
1837
01:30:44,085 --> 01:30:45,376
that they wanna see.
1838
01:30:45,835 --> 01:30:47,001
Anyway, I'm packing.
1839
01:30:48,335 --> 01:30:50,626
- Where are you going?
- (SIGHS) Turkey.
1840
01:30:50,626 --> 01:30:51,751
For a break.
1841
01:30:51,751 --> 01:30:54,876
Since everyone hated my film.
1842
01:30:56,876 --> 01:30:58,126
(ZOE SNIFFLES)
1843
01:30:59,543 --> 01:31:02,043
- I must just say...
- (SIGHS)
1844
01:31:02,043 --> 01:31:04,585
I do admire your independence.
1845
01:31:08,960 --> 01:31:10,543
And I...
1846
01:31:11,126 --> 01:31:12,335
You're wrong.
1847
01:31:14,626 --> 01:31:17,793
I don't value you less
when you're not with a man.
1848
01:31:19,460 --> 01:31:23,126
And I'm very, very proud
of everything you've achieved.
1849
01:31:25,960 --> 01:31:27,210
But...
1850
01:31:27,210 --> 01:31:29,835
But, nothing counts
before the "but".
1851
01:31:31,543 --> 01:31:33,460
(STUTTERS) Well, but...
1852
01:31:35,168 --> 01:31:38,335
There's a difference
between independence
1853
01:31:39,085 --> 01:31:40,501
and being so cut off
1854
01:31:40,501 --> 01:31:42,293
that no-one
can get close to you.
1855
01:31:44,043 --> 01:31:46,876
We all need other people.
Even you.
1856
01:31:47,543 --> 01:31:50,085
There's no weakness
in that, Zoe.
1857
01:31:51,543 --> 01:31:52,626
Zahid's right.
1858
01:31:52,626 --> 01:31:54,960
Loneliness is
a Western disease
1859
01:31:54,960 --> 01:31:56,960
and it's far more deadly
than cancer.
1860
01:31:56,960 --> 01:31:58,460
The only cure is to allow
1861
01:31:58,460 --> 01:32:01,710
other people to care
about you, and not...
1862
01:32:01,710 --> 01:32:04,668
Not to always
push them away.
1863
01:32:10,835 --> 01:32:13,210
They say it takes a village
to raise a child.
1864
01:32:13,210 --> 01:32:14,543
But what about the adults?
1865
01:32:14,543 --> 01:32:18,793
I'd say it takes a village
to sustain an adult.
1866
01:32:18,793 --> 01:32:21,210
And I'm so lucky
1867
01:32:21,543 --> 01:32:24,543
to have found my village
1868
01:32:24,543 --> 01:32:26,168
next door and...
1869
01:32:27,668 --> 01:32:29,585
All I want
1870
01:32:29,585 --> 01:32:31,918
is for you to find yours,
that's all.
1871
01:32:40,543 --> 01:32:41,543
(SIGHS)
1872
01:32:43,710 --> 01:32:44,876
CATH: Come here.
1873
01:32:51,626 --> 01:32:52,626
(MOBILE PHONE CHIMES)
1874
01:32:53,168 --> 01:32:55,501
- That was you then.
- That was my phone.
1875
01:32:56,376 --> 01:32:58,626
CATH: Saved by the bell.
1876
01:32:58,626 --> 01:33:00,835
- Oh, it's from Kaz.
- That's nice.
1877
01:33:04,751 --> 01:33:06,126
- CATH: Can I have a biscuit?
- Yeah.
1878
01:33:09,751 --> 01:33:11,918
- Do I look nice?
- Yeah, you look great.
1879
01:33:13,376 --> 01:33:15,001
KAZ: Do you wanna...
Do you wanna...
1880
01:33:15,001 --> 01:33:17,168
MAYMOUNA: (CHUCKLING)
Okay, okay. Um...
1881
01:33:17,168 --> 01:33:18,460
Hi.
1882
01:33:18,460 --> 01:33:19,543
Uh...
1883
01:33:19,543 --> 01:33:22,251
I loved your film, Zoe. And...
1884
01:33:22,251 --> 01:33:24,210
I'm sorry if this kind of
ruins your ending,
1885
01:33:24,210 --> 01:33:25,293
but...
1886
01:33:26,085 --> 01:33:28,335
I think it's gonna
make it more truthful.
1887
01:33:32,710 --> 01:33:33,876
Eid Mubarak.
1888
01:33:33,876 --> 01:33:34,668
FAROOQ AND YASMIN:
Eid Mubarak.
1889
01:33:34,668 --> 01:33:36,876
(AISHA AND YASMIN PROTESTING
IN URDU)
1890
01:33:38,126 --> 01:33:39,168
(INQUIRING IN URDU)
1891
01:33:39,168 --> 01:33:41,210
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
1892
01:33:41,626 --> 01:33:43,168
(AISHA SPEAKING IN URDU)
1893
01:33:43,168 --> 01:33:44,251
(IN ENGLISH)
Just get the spoon. Uh...
1894
01:33:44,251 --> 01:33:46,085
No, no, wait, I'll get that...
1895
01:33:46,085 --> 01:33:48,043
- Help me cut.
- What do you want me to do?
1896
01:33:48,043 --> 01:33:49,168
- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
1897
01:33:49,168 --> 01:33:50,918
No, no, not like that!
1898
01:33:52,043 --> 01:33:53,418
(INSTRUCTS IN URDU)
1899
01:33:53,418 --> 01:33:55,043
CATH:
So festive, as ever!
1900
01:33:55,043 --> 01:33:56,585
(CATH GREETING IN URDU)
1901
01:33:56,585 --> 01:33:57,710
Eid Mubarak.
1902
01:33:57,710 --> 01:34:00,043
(IN ENGLISH) Don't you look
gorgeous as always.
1903
01:34:00,043 --> 01:34:01,585
I've brought you something
very, very boring.
1904
01:34:01,585 --> 01:34:04,293
- Oh, you needn't have.
- And, erm, Zoe's here.
1905
01:34:04,293 --> 01:34:05,835
Zoe.
1906
01:34:05,835 --> 01:34:07,043
I'm sorry to gatecrash,
1907
01:34:07,043 --> 01:34:09,960
but I really need
to talk to Kaz, please.
1908
01:34:10,585 --> 01:34:11,876
You've been talking
quite a lot
1909
01:34:11,876 --> 01:34:14,293
to all my children lately.
1910
01:34:14,293 --> 01:34:15,418
Jalebis.
1911
01:34:15,418 --> 01:34:17,001
I made them
especially for you.
1912
01:34:17,001 --> 01:34:18,335
Well, thank you.
It's just you're trying
1913
01:34:18,335 --> 01:34:19,418
- to give me diabetes.
- (SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
1914
01:34:19,418 --> 01:34:21,043
CATH: I know you are.
1915
01:34:21,043 --> 01:34:22,126
- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- I'll eat it later.
1916
01:34:22,126 --> 01:34:23,626
Can you just get the...
1917
01:34:23,626 --> 01:34:24,668
Mmm.
1918
01:34:27,335 --> 01:34:28,376
(AISHA GRUNTS)
1919
01:34:29,626 --> 01:34:30,835
(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
1920
01:34:30,835 --> 01:34:33,710
How is everything?
Everyone all right?
1921
01:34:33,710 --> 01:34:35,918
YASMIN: Yeah, it's tense.
CATH: That's quite a thing.
1922
01:34:35,918 --> 01:34:38,335
I mean, I can't...
1923
01:34:38,335 --> 01:34:40,460
- Where's Maymouna?
- She's not coming.
1924
01:34:40,460 --> 01:34:41,751
What do you mean
she's not coming?
1925
01:34:41,751 --> 01:34:43,293
(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
1926
01:34:44,501 --> 01:34:47,001
(KHAN FAMILY
CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
1927
01:34:47,001 --> 01:34:50,043
- Hello, darling. Eid Mubarak.
- Happy Eid.
1928
01:34:50,043 --> 01:34:52,001
You smell lovely.
1929
01:34:54,668 --> 01:34:55,751
(ZOE SIGHS)
1930
01:34:55,751 --> 01:34:57,960
(WHISPERING) Are you okay?
I just saw your email.
1931
01:34:59,376 --> 01:35:01,710
- I'm fine.
- Okay.
1932
01:35:02,293 --> 01:35:04,043
I'm glad you're here.
1933
01:35:04,043 --> 01:35:06,835
AISHA: Kazim.
Why isn't Maymouna here?
1934
01:35:06,835 --> 01:35:08,001
Is she sick?
1935
01:35:13,376 --> 01:35:15,543
Ammi, Maymouna's not sick.
1936
01:35:22,585 --> 01:35:24,793
Unless you call heartbreak
a sickness.
1937
01:35:24,793 --> 01:35:27,501
AISHA: (STUTTERS)
What do you mean?
1938
01:35:31,543 --> 01:35:33,793
Turns out our marriage
was more
1939
01:35:34,335 --> 01:35:36,918
"insisted" than "assisted".
1940
01:35:36,918 --> 01:35:39,085
That's not possible.
1941
01:35:39,085 --> 01:35:40,251
They're a modern family.
1942
01:35:40,251 --> 01:35:41,876
Everybody was so happy
at the wedding.
1943
01:35:41,876 --> 01:35:43,710
Where is she now?
1944
01:35:44,751 --> 01:35:47,251
She is working up
the courage to
1945
01:35:48,335 --> 01:35:51,001
tell her parents
we're divorced.
1946
01:35:53,876 --> 01:35:54,918
Divorced?
1947
01:35:54,918 --> 01:35:56,001
(SPEAKS URDU)
1948
01:35:56,001 --> 01:35:57,251
(IN ENGLISH) What do you mean?
Just like...
1949
01:35:57,251 --> 01:35:59,960
All you have to say is,
"I divorce you,
1950
01:35:59,960 --> 01:36:02,168
"I divorce you,
I divorce you".
1951
01:36:02,668 --> 01:36:05,876
Oh, really?
I wish we had that here.
1952
01:36:05,876 --> 01:36:09,710
Beta, triple talaq
is banned in Pakistan
1953
01:36:09,710 --> 01:36:11,376
to stop people
from making rash decisions.
1954
01:36:11,376 --> 01:36:12,960
Ammi, this isn't rash.
1955
01:36:12,960 --> 01:36:15,418
It's... Maymouna was... is...
1956
01:36:15,960 --> 01:36:18,001
in love with someone else.
1957
01:36:21,043 --> 01:36:22,960
Neither of us wants
to pretend any more.
1958
01:36:25,460 --> 01:36:28,168
(SIGHS) Okay,
since it's a day for
1959
01:36:28,168 --> 01:36:29,251
bombshell disclosures.
1960
01:36:29,251 --> 01:36:30,085
Um, I think we all need
1961
01:36:30,085 --> 01:36:32,210
to try and just be
a bit more honest.
1962
01:36:34,460 --> 01:36:36,585
You may as well all know
that I smoke.
1963
01:36:37,543 --> 01:36:39,126
That's very bad for you.
1964
01:36:39,126 --> 01:36:41,168
And I have done
since I was 15.
1965
01:36:41,168 --> 01:36:44,543
But you're a doctor now,
so, not in public.
1966
01:36:45,168 --> 01:36:47,418
I kept asking myself,
1967
01:36:47,418 --> 01:36:48,585
"Why is this grown man
1968
01:36:48,585 --> 01:36:50,126
"always up there
in that treehouse?
1969
01:36:51,085 --> 01:36:52,335
"Does he think he is Tarzan?"
1970
01:36:54,668 --> 01:36:56,251
And I drink sometimes.
1971
01:36:56,251 --> 01:36:59,751
Just some red wine
for your cholesterol.
1972
01:37:00,460 --> 01:37:02,710
Alcohol has some
medicinal value.
1973
01:37:02,710 --> 01:37:04,001
That's a relief.
1974
01:37:04,001 --> 01:37:06,168
Obviously,
I never ever touch pork.
1975
01:37:06,168 --> 01:37:07,751
Of course not.
1976
01:37:07,751 --> 01:37:09,418
You are Muslim, mmm?
1977
01:37:10,876 --> 01:37:14,043
Okay. But there's something
way more important. Um...
1978
01:37:15,376 --> 01:37:16,335
Ammi...
1979
01:37:18,376 --> 01:37:21,126
You always say that Eid is
about family coming together.
1980
01:37:21,126 --> 01:37:22,126
AISHA: Yes.
1981
01:37:23,168 --> 01:37:25,210
(INQUIRES IN URDU)
1982
01:37:25,210 --> 01:37:27,668
(IN ENGLISH) And if Zoe's film
has shown us one thing,
1983
01:37:27,668 --> 01:37:29,001
it's that...
1984
01:37:29,293 --> 01:37:30,543
it's that there's been
an important member
1985
01:37:30,543 --> 01:37:32,793
of our family missing
for too long.
1986
01:37:34,668 --> 01:37:36,335
Too long, ammi jan.
1987
01:37:39,710 --> 01:37:41,960
Just give me one second.
1988
01:37:42,876 --> 01:37:43,876
Sorry.
1989
01:37:57,835 --> 01:37:59,918
(BABY CRYING)
1990
01:37:59,918 --> 01:38:01,543
(AISHA SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
1991
01:38:49,668 --> 01:38:50,668
Inshallah.
1992
01:38:58,710 --> 01:39:00,293
She needs her nani jan.
1993
01:39:00,293 --> 01:39:01,501
Beautiful.
1994
01:39:02,793 --> 01:39:04,001
Sweetheart.
1995
01:39:05,210 --> 01:39:07,710
Eid Mubarak, David,
Eid Mubarak.
1996
01:39:15,793 --> 01:39:17,626
And I need my nani jan.
1997
01:39:42,751 --> 01:39:43,751
Nani Jan.
1998
01:39:47,626 --> 01:39:48,626
Nani Jan.
1999
01:39:51,376 --> 01:39:52,585
Please.
2000
01:40:06,668 --> 01:40:08,501
(EXCLAIMING IN URDU)
2001
01:40:47,876 --> 01:40:51,043
(SPEAKING IN URDU)
2002
01:40:52,251 --> 01:40:53,376
Oh.
2003
01:40:53,376 --> 01:40:54,710
Where's Zoe gone?
2004
01:40:54,710 --> 01:40:57,251
Is she gone already
without saying goodbye?
2005
01:40:57,251 --> 01:40:58,626
I've spoken to her about that.
2006
01:40:58,626 --> 01:41:00,043
She's halfway
to Constantinople by now,
2007
01:41:00,043 --> 01:41:02,501
- I shouldn't wonder.
- Wait, what?
2008
01:41:04,918 --> 01:41:06,626
- Kazim?
- (BABY CRYING)
2009
01:41:12,376 --> 01:41:14,460
(PHONE LINE RINGING)
2010
01:41:16,210 --> 01:41:17,876
(AUTOMATED VOICE
SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
2011
01:41:17,876 --> 01:41:19,418
- Where have you gone?
- (MOBILE PHONE CHIMES)
2012
01:41:23,251 --> 01:41:24,835
(FINGERS TAPPING)
2013
01:41:34,293 --> 01:41:36,293
(PHONE LINE RINGING)
2014
01:41:36,293 --> 01:41:37,460
(MOBILE PHONE CHIMES)
2015
01:41:53,960 --> 01:41:55,210
Oi, Rapunzel.
2016
01:41:57,751 --> 01:41:59,418
Let down your hair.
2017
01:42:00,043 --> 01:42:03,251
I'm pretty sure I'm the witch
in this fairy tale. (LAUGHS)
2018
01:42:08,585 --> 01:42:09,585
(KAZ GRUNTS)
2019
01:42:24,918 --> 01:42:25,960
(SIGHS)
2020
01:42:32,085 --> 01:42:33,085
Hi.
2021
01:42:34,835 --> 01:42:35,835
Hi.
2022
01:42:39,876 --> 01:42:41,418
It's your turn.
2023
01:42:41,418 --> 01:42:42,793
Yeah. Um...
2024
01:42:45,585 --> 01:42:47,293
I can't speak.
2025
01:42:47,293 --> 01:42:49,960
(LAUGHING) Okay. Sorry. Um...
2026
01:42:51,251 --> 01:42:54,168
Okay. I'm gonna put myself
on the line here.
2027
01:42:55,168 --> 01:42:56,293
Go on.
2028
01:42:56,293 --> 01:42:59,251
- (STUTTERS) This isn't easy.
- I know. I know.
2029
01:42:59,251 --> 01:43:00,335
I'm really high up
2030
01:43:00,335 --> 01:43:01,710
- and there's no safety...
- Zoe.
2031
01:43:08,210 --> 01:43:11,043
Would you like to watch
a whole TV series with me?
2032
01:43:12,543 --> 01:43:13,543
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
2033
01:43:16,751 --> 01:43:18,251
Are you sure?
2034
01:43:18,918 --> 01:43:20,668
- Mmm...
- Because we...
2035
01:43:21,626 --> 01:43:23,460
We should take it very...
2036
01:43:24,168 --> 01:43:26,085
- You know, take it slowly.
- Yeah.
2037
01:43:26,501 --> 01:43:28,293
Yeah, like an episode
at a time.
2038
01:43:28,293 --> 01:43:30,585
- No bingeing.
- No bingeing.
2039
01:43:33,418 --> 01:43:34,876
Just please don't
forget it this time.
2040
01:43:34,876 --> 01:43:36,751
I never forgot. Never.
2041
01:43:40,001 --> 01:43:41,335
And maybe we could just...
2042
01:43:41,335 --> 01:43:44,168
Like, we could have a break
clause halfway through.
2043
01:43:44,168 --> 01:43:46,210
Always a break clause. Always.
2044
01:43:50,043 --> 01:43:51,918
- I... Just...
- Hmm.
2045
01:44:20,751 --> 01:44:22,751
(BOTH LAUGHING SOFTLY)
2046
01:44:43,751 --> 01:44:46,251
We couldn't have
arranged it better ourselves.
2047
01:44:46,251 --> 01:44:47,293
Mashallah!
2048
01:44:48,126 --> 01:44:49,876
That means, "Thank God".
2049
01:44:53,168 --> 01:44:54,460
Ammi jan always said
2050
01:44:54,460 --> 01:44:56,126
this would happen
if we came here,
2051
01:44:56,126 --> 01:44:58,085
and he went
to a mixed university.
2052
01:44:58,710 --> 01:45:00,876
Can't be expected to bowl
a googly every time.
2053
01:45:01,918 --> 01:45:03,626
So, we moved out.
2054
01:45:03,626 --> 01:45:05,168
Only down the road
to number nine.
2055
01:45:05,168 --> 01:45:08,043
Except, er, we call it nine
and three quarters.
2056
01:45:08,043 --> 01:45:09,585
Harry Potter!
2057
01:45:10,626 --> 01:45:12,585
David's getting
to know the family.
2058
01:45:12,585 --> 01:45:15,626
He's even learning Urdu
so he can understand Nani Jan.
2059
01:45:16,293 --> 01:45:18,626
(IN URDU)
Poor little zebra,
2060
01:45:18,626 --> 01:45:20,710
never knowing
what colour she is.
2061
01:45:21,043 --> 01:45:23,293
(IN ENGLISH) It's called
mixed heritage, Nani Jan.
2062
01:45:23,293 --> 01:45:24,835
Mixed heritage?
2063
01:45:25,876 --> 01:45:28,376
I don't know
what you were expecting.
2064
01:45:28,751 --> 01:45:30,585
My head on a stick?
2065
01:45:31,043 --> 01:45:33,460
I'm fine. (CHUCKLES)
2066
01:45:33,460 --> 01:45:35,210
I am graduated.
2067
01:45:35,210 --> 01:45:37,210
I'm a human rights lawyer.
2068
01:45:37,210 --> 01:45:39,335
And my parents
are super proud.