1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:14,264 --> 00:00:16,057 [Kenzo babbling] 4 00:00:17,142 --> 00:00:18,560 -[Kevin] Yo. -What's up? 5 00:00:18,643 --> 00:00:20,603 I was looking all over the house for y'all. 6 00:00:20,687 --> 00:00:21,730 [Eniko] We're just chilling. 7 00:00:21,813 --> 00:00:24,149 About to go downstairs, get some work done. What up, champ? 8 00:00:24,232 --> 00:00:26,067 -[imperceptible] -Finish your homework? 9 00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:27,944 -[Eniko] No. -Look in my eyes. 10 00:00:28,027 --> 00:00:29,654 -[Kenzo babbling] -You're lying. 11 00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:32,282 Finish your homework. Stop playing with me. [chuckles] 12 00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:33,491 Zo, give Daddy two. 13 00:00:33,575 --> 00:00:35,618 Ah, ah. Give me a boom. 14 00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:36,995 Boom! Give me a headbutt. 15 00:00:37,537 --> 00:00:39,039 [grunts] Give me a kiss. 16 00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:40,999 -Why're you looking at me? -Love you. 17 00:00:41,082 --> 00:00:42,208 -Give me a kiss. -Okay. 18 00:00:42,292 --> 00:00:43,793 -Love you. -Heaven, finish your work? 19 00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:45,045 Oh, yes, for the most part. 20 00:00:45,128 --> 00:00:47,088 -See you all when I come back up. -[Kenzo babbles] 21 00:00:47,172 --> 00:00:48,089 -[Eniko] Bye! -[Heaven] Bye. 22 00:00:48,173 --> 00:00:49,132 -[Kenzo] Bye, Dad. -Pow! 23 00:00:50,508 --> 00:00:52,343 [hip-hop music playing] 24 00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:55,221 Ooh. 25 00:00:55,805 --> 00:00:57,682 Daddy about to have a good time. 26 00:00:59,434 --> 00:01:01,978 Big cube, coming in. Taste it. 27 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,021 [slurps] Mmm. 28 00:01:04,397 --> 00:01:05,940 Ha-ya! 29 00:01:06,441 --> 00:01:07,442 Yeah. 30 00:01:07,942 --> 00:01:08,777 Hey. 31 00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:11,154 Wow! 32 00:01:11,738 --> 00:01:13,406 The GOAT. Legend. 33 00:01:14,032 --> 00:01:15,283 Inspiration. 34 00:01:15,366 --> 00:01:16,367 My man. 35 00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:22,791 [cheering and applauding] 36 00:01:22,874 --> 00:01:26,086 Aww. So nice. 37 00:01:26,169 --> 00:01:27,504 Oh, man! 38 00:01:29,422 --> 00:01:31,716 Well, thank you. Thank you. 39 00:01:35,053 --> 00:01:37,096 Well, thank you. Thank you! 40 00:01:38,515 --> 00:01:40,600 Much appreciated. Stop it. 41 00:01:40,683 --> 00:01:44,437 Sit down. 42 00:01:45,146 --> 00:01:47,357 I appreciate it. Thank you. 43 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:49,609 -Hello. Hi. -[crowd whoops] 44 00:01:50,860 --> 00:01:54,114 I can say hello. First time I've been this intimate with a crowd. 45 00:01:54,197 --> 00:01:57,158 So, I can say hello and I can actually get a hello back. 46 00:01:57,242 --> 00:01:59,536 So, I'mma say it again. Hello. How y'all doing? Good? 47 00:01:59,619 --> 00:02:01,037 -[crowd cheering] -That's good. I like it. 48 00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:02,539 This feels right to me. 49 00:02:02,622 --> 00:02:05,542 -This feels right. -[woman] Yeah! 50 00:02:05,625 --> 00:02:08,670 I've been in a lot of different spaces to tell some jokes. 51 00:02:08,753 --> 00:02:11,297 Been in fucking stadiums, arenas, theaters. 52 00:02:11,381 --> 00:02:15,552 This right now feels right, in the comfort of my own fucking home. Thank you. 53 00:02:15,635 --> 00:02:17,595 -[crowd applauding] -Thank you. 54 00:02:18,555 --> 00:02:20,140 Getting back to the basics. 55 00:02:21,432 --> 00:02:24,310 I wanna explain to you guys why I'm actually in my house. 56 00:02:24,394 --> 00:02:25,728 We're here for a reason. 57 00:02:25,812 --> 00:02:29,941 I'm no longer comfortable anywhere else but my house. 58 00:02:30,024 --> 00:02:33,278 I'm being very fucking honest with you guys. I am not comfortable 59 00:02:33,361 --> 00:02:35,530 anywhere except my house. 60 00:02:35,613 --> 00:02:37,115 And it's for a lot of reasons. 61 00:02:37,198 --> 00:02:40,076 I feel like we should get into those. Let's address the elephant in the room. 62 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,412 -Reason number one, COVID. -[crowd exclaims] 63 00:02:43,079 --> 00:02:44,080 COVID. 64 00:02:44,664 --> 00:02:46,916 Where you at right now? Where's your panic level? 65 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:50,461 High? In the middle? Low? Where you at? Be honest, let me know. 66 00:02:50,545 --> 00:02:53,506 Middle? High? Low? Kind of high? A little bit? 67 00:02:53,590 --> 00:02:56,718 -[crowd mumbling] -News flash. I had it! 68 00:02:56,801 --> 00:02:58,469 That's right, I had the 'VID. 69 00:02:59,053 --> 00:03:01,806 The 'VID-19 was in my system. 70 00:03:03,141 --> 00:03:06,603 I had it in the beginning when it wasn't cool, when it wasn't a trend. 71 00:03:07,353 --> 00:03:09,814 It was me and Tom Hanks. We was the only two. 72 00:03:11,107 --> 00:03:12,775 [chuckles] I had to keep it a secret 73 00:03:13,693 --> 00:03:16,529 because Tom Hanks is a much bigger star than I am. 74 00:03:16,613 --> 00:03:18,656 He will swallow my fucking announcement. 75 00:03:20,533 --> 00:03:23,661 He's Forrest Gump. You're not gonna beat Forrest Gump. No shot. 76 00:03:23,745 --> 00:03:25,914 No fucking shot I'mma beat Forrest Gump. 77 00:03:26,706 --> 00:03:30,168 If it was somebody lesser than, I would've dropped that bitch in a heartbeat. 78 00:03:30,793 --> 00:03:33,588 David Hasselhoff. Fuck David Hasselhoff. 79 00:03:33,671 --> 00:03:35,798 Ain't nobody give a shit about David Hasselhoff. 80 00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:37,258 Boom! Dropped it. 81 00:03:37,342 --> 00:03:40,678 "Kevin Hart's got it, too. Save Kevin Hart. #TheVID." 82 00:03:41,679 --> 00:03:43,306 You know why I call it the 'VID? 83 00:03:43,389 --> 00:03:47,018 It's the closest thing to AIDS. It just sounds as dangerous as AIDS. 84 00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:50,063 The 'VID. "You got the 'VID? Fuck, man!" 85 00:03:50,897 --> 00:03:52,941 "I got the 'VID." "You got the 'VID? Shit!" 86 00:03:53,942 --> 00:03:56,152 "Praying for you. You got the fucking 'VID." 87 00:03:57,153 --> 00:03:58,529 I didn't know I had it. 88 00:03:58,613 --> 00:04:01,282 I didn't know I had it, man. I had no symptoms at all. 89 00:04:01,366 --> 00:04:03,618 No fever, no headache, no body aches, nothing. 90 00:04:03,701 --> 00:04:06,996 Now, my wife lost her sense of taste and her sense of smell. 91 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:10,250 She told me, "Babe, I think I got it. We should get tested." 92 00:04:10,333 --> 00:04:12,752 I said, "Well, we don't have a problem." 93 00:04:13,628 --> 00:04:16,422 "You got the fucking problem. Why do I have to get tested?" 94 00:04:16,506 --> 00:04:19,634 "I can taste and smell fine. Why the fuck do I gotta get tested?" 95 00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:23,846 Doctor came over to the house. Doctor came over, tested both of us. 96 00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:27,642 Said, "You guys are both positive." I said, "Bullshit." 97 00:04:28,476 --> 00:04:31,354 "Bullshit! No way I'm fucking positive." 98 00:04:31,437 --> 00:04:35,108 I immediately touched my nose twice. Ah, ah. "Could I do that?" 99 00:04:35,692 --> 00:04:38,569 "If I had the 'VID, could I fucking do this two times in a row?" 100 00:04:39,362 --> 00:04:41,906 Can't touch your nose with the 'VID. Everybody knows that. 101 00:04:43,032 --> 00:04:45,868 Said, "Mr. Hart, I'm very serious. You're positive." 102 00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:48,454 This caused an uproar in my household, immediately. 103 00:04:49,247 --> 00:04:50,957 Me and my wife go at each other's throats, 104 00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:53,710 "Who the fuck brought the 'VID up in this house?" 105 00:04:54,544 --> 00:04:55,545 "Who was it?" 106 00:04:56,087 --> 00:04:58,381 Got to see how we felt about each other's friends. 107 00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:02,427 "It was that nasty bitch Pam you always hanging with. That's who did it." 108 00:05:03,094 --> 00:05:04,053 "Dirty-foot bitch." 109 00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:07,765 "Her feet dirty. She tracked the 'VID all through the goddamn house." 110 00:05:08,349 --> 00:05:10,143 "Dirty-foot Pam did it." [chuckles] 111 00:05:10,727 --> 00:05:13,354 "Got the fucking 'VID all in this goddamn house." 112 00:05:13,896 --> 00:05:15,648 "Wash the carpets immediately." 113 00:05:16,774 --> 00:05:19,569 Doctor calmed me down, "Calm down, Kevin." 114 00:05:20,445 --> 00:05:23,031 "It'll pass. Take ten to fourteen days. Relax." 115 00:05:23,114 --> 00:05:25,283 "Chill out. Drink some tea." 116 00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:28,119 That's what the doctor told me to my fucking face. 117 00:05:28,202 --> 00:05:29,329 "Drink some tea." 118 00:05:29,412 --> 00:05:30,872 Are you kidding me? 119 00:05:31,456 --> 00:05:33,041 "I got the fucking 'VID, Doc!" 120 00:05:34,125 --> 00:05:35,835 "The hell is tea gonna do for me?" 121 00:05:36,419 --> 00:05:39,380 "Where's my ventilator?" That's what I said. "Where is it?" 122 00:05:39,464 --> 00:05:41,841 "I'm supposed to get a ventilator. Everybody knows that." 123 00:05:41,924 --> 00:05:45,261 "You get a ventilator with the 'VID. That's what they say in the blogs." 124 00:05:46,012 --> 00:05:49,015 "You'll be fine, Mr. Hart, you'll be fine." 125 00:05:49,599 --> 00:05:52,101 When the doctor told me that, my level of panic lowered. 126 00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:54,479 Keep in mind, I was at the highest level in the beginning. 127 00:05:55,063 --> 00:05:56,314 Oh, my God. 128 00:05:56,397 --> 00:05:57,607 When it first hit, 129 00:05:57,690 --> 00:06:00,443 oh, my fucking God, I didn't know what to do. 130 00:06:00,526 --> 00:06:02,945 I went and put gas in all the fucking cars. 131 00:06:03,029 --> 00:06:04,614 -[crowd laughs] -[chuckles] 132 00:06:05,114 --> 00:06:06,324 You gotta be able to escape. 133 00:06:06,407 --> 00:06:08,284 These motherfuckers turning into zombies here. 134 00:06:08,367 --> 00:06:09,202 I was scared. 135 00:06:10,078 --> 00:06:13,039 Went and bought all the water and toilet paper I could find. 136 00:06:13,122 --> 00:06:15,333 Still don't know why we went on this toilet paper kick. 137 00:06:15,416 --> 00:06:17,376 What was so special about toilet paper? 138 00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:18,753 Nobody told me. 139 00:06:18,836 --> 00:06:21,798 Did the 'VID make you shit? What was it? What… [chuckles] 140 00:06:21,881 --> 00:06:24,217 We bought all the fucking toilet paper. 141 00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:26,052 Dry noodles, I got it all! 142 00:06:27,303 --> 00:06:29,931 The mask, I went crazy with the mask. 143 00:06:30,515 --> 00:06:32,517 In the beginning, I didn't know what mask to buy. 144 00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:34,977 Had a regular mask. My friend told me, "Hey, man, 145 00:06:35,478 --> 00:06:38,981 that ain't the right mask, the 'VID gonna get through that mask." 146 00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:41,692 "That mask ain't gonna protect you against the 'VID." 147 00:06:41,776 --> 00:06:46,322 "Fuck! Are you serious?" "I'm serious. You gotta get the N95s." 148 00:06:46,405 --> 00:06:47,740 "Oh, shit." 149 00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:51,577 Went on a website, I bought every N95 I saw. 150 00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:54,622 I spent 20 grand on N95s. 151 00:06:55,123 --> 00:06:56,290 [crowd laughing] 152 00:06:56,374 --> 00:06:59,544 Went outside the day after, I saw a nigga with a titty cup on his face. 153 00:06:59,627 --> 00:07:00,503 Wasn't even a… 154 00:07:01,671 --> 00:07:04,590 With a bra strap. What the fuck? That's not a N95. 155 00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:07,635 That's a A-cup bra. What the hell just happened? 156 00:07:08,761 --> 00:07:11,264 He didn't spend 20 grand on that. No way. 157 00:07:11,848 --> 00:07:13,349 Somebody duped me, man. 158 00:07:14,350 --> 00:07:16,727 My wife told me flat-out, "Babe, you know what?" 159 00:07:16,811 --> 00:07:19,605 "This thing is messing with your head. You gotta get out this house." 160 00:07:19,689 --> 00:07:20,940 "You gotta get out the house." 161 00:07:21,023 --> 00:07:24,152 I said, "There is nothing outside this house for me." 162 00:07:24,735 --> 00:07:28,322 "Nothing. There's no reason for me to go outside this house." 163 00:07:28,406 --> 00:07:29,365 "No shot." 164 00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:32,493 "The things that are outside this house, I have no interest in." 165 00:07:33,077 --> 00:07:36,205 "There's people out there. I don't like people." I said it. 166 00:07:37,248 --> 00:07:40,751 Cat's out the bag. I don't fucking like people anymore. 167 00:07:40,835 --> 00:07:42,378 You won. You beat me up. 168 00:07:42,962 --> 00:07:44,714 You fucking won, man. 169 00:07:44,797 --> 00:07:45,631 You know how? 170 00:07:45,715 --> 00:07:49,677 Because you guys have managed to fuck up the best job in the world, man. 171 00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:52,346 At one point in time, fame was the most sought-after 172 00:07:52,430 --> 00:07:54,599 and best job on the fucking planet. 173 00:07:55,099 --> 00:07:57,018 If you didn't have it, you wanted a piece of it. 174 00:07:57,101 --> 00:07:59,395 You wanted to taste a little bit of it. 175 00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:01,606 I got it. I got to the highest level of it, 176 00:08:01,689 --> 00:08:04,025 and then you fucked me, oh, you fucked me good. 177 00:08:04,984 --> 00:08:07,862 Oh, this generation fucked me good. 178 00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:10,656 Everything's gotta be compromised. 179 00:08:10,740 --> 00:08:12,742 Everything's gotta be videoed in this generation. 180 00:08:12,825 --> 00:08:15,077 If it's not on video, it never happened. 181 00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:17,246 That's how this generation lives. 182 00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:21,125 Let me tell you guys the scariest thing that you could do to a Black man in 1986 183 00:08:21,209 --> 00:08:23,252 if you were the cops or the feds. 184 00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:27,715 Scariest thing that you could do is tell a Black man that you had him on tape. 185 00:08:28,966 --> 00:08:32,261 If the feds came up to you, "We got your ass on tape. You going to jail." 186 00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:34,138 He'll shit himself, "What? Who? Me?" 187 00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:36,516 "On tape?" 188 00:08:37,308 --> 00:08:38,976 Oh! He'd start crying. 189 00:08:39,060 --> 00:08:40,353 [mimics crying] 190 00:08:40,436 --> 00:08:41,812 [crowd laughs] 191 00:08:41,896 --> 00:08:43,064 "I'm on fucking tape." 192 00:08:43,731 --> 00:08:45,233 [mimics crying] 193 00:08:45,316 --> 00:08:48,611 "All y'all going to fucking jail. We got all y'all on tape." 194 00:08:49,153 --> 00:08:52,490 He'll tell all his friends, "Come out, Calvin, Marcus, Terrence." 195 00:08:52,573 --> 00:08:54,325 "They got us. Anthony, you, too." 196 00:08:55,117 --> 00:08:57,787 "Said they got us all on tape. We're going to jail, apparently." 197 00:08:58,579 --> 00:09:00,122 "We're going to fucking jail." 198 00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:01,541 [mimics crying] 199 00:09:02,208 --> 00:09:03,292 "We on tape." 200 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:06,337 That's all the feds had to say, "Got your ass on tape." 201 00:09:08,923 --> 00:09:10,383 Scariest thing you could do. 202 00:09:10,883 --> 00:09:14,178 You guys don't even realize that you're the feds… for free. 203 00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:17,431 You're not even getting paid. For fucking free. 204 00:09:17,515 --> 00:09:20,059 You're just telling on people all goddamn day. 205 00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:23,771 Just a bunch of walking fucking snitches. It's disgusting. 206 00:09:25,064 --> 00:09:26,440 It's disgusting. 207 00:09:27,483 --> 00:09:29,777 I went to McDonald's… This is a true story. 208 00:09:29,860 --> 00:09:33,155 I go to McDonald's. I'm at the drive-through, right? 209 00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:35,825 I want a Big Mac Meal. I haven't had one in so long. 210 00:09:35,908 --> 00:09:38,703 I'm so excited for this fucking Big Mac. 211 00:09:38,786 --> 00:09:41,122 Oh, my God, I can't wait to get this Big Mac. 212 00:09:41,205 --> 00:09:44,292 I get the Big Mac. I'm so excited. I pull over in the parking lot. 213 00:09:44,375 --> 00:09:46,085 I start fucking the Big Mac up. 214 00:09:46,877 --> 00:09:49,797 Smashing it. It's all over my face, everything. 215 00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:51,215 I'm happy as hell. 216 00:09:51,716 --> 00:09:54,468 I turn to my left, it's a woman outside the window taping me. 217 00:09:54,552 --> 00:09:56,178 She said, "Got your ass." 218 00:09:57,722 --> 00:10:00,308 I got nervous. "What the fuck is you doing, lady?" 219 00:10:00,391 --> 00:10:02,518 She said, "Mmm-mmm. But I got your ass." 220 00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:03,644 [scoffs] 221 00:10:04,186 --> 00:10:07,231 "What the fuck you mean, got my ass? What am I doing?" 222 00:10:07,315 --> 00:10:11,027 I'm so nervous, I dropped the burger. I just dropped the fucking burger. 223 00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:15,781 I grabbed my phone, I went to Twitter, I issued an apology via social media. 224 00:10:17,241 --> 00:10:19,535 I said, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." 225 00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:24,624 The reason why I apologized is because two days earlier, I announced 226 00:10:24,707 --> 00:10:27,585 that I was going plant-based full-time. I'd just said it. 227 00:10:28,544 --> 00:10:32,340 This video was detrimental to everything that I stood for at the moment. 228 00:10:32,423 --> 00:10:33,507 [chuckles] 229 00:10:34,050 --> 00:10:36,385 Had to issue an apology to the plant-based community. 230 00:10:37,345 --> 00:10:38,679 Became an ally. 231 00:10:39,972 --> 00:10:43,184 Made a donation, was a part of protest. I had to do what I could. 232 00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:46,937 Stood by the side of cows, took pictures. It was a lot. 233 00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:51,108 I don't like what you guys have made me become. 234 00:10:51,859 --> 00:10:54,320 I don't like it. I'm no longer comfortable. 235 00:10:54,403 --> 00:10:55,946 You switched it on me. 236 00:10:56,030 --> 00:10:56,864 Fuck! 237 00:10:57,448 --> 00:10:59,283 You switched it on me, man. 238 00:10:59,784 --> 00:11:03,037 For the longest time, celebrities looked at people as the weird people. 239 00:11:03,579 --> 00:11:05,956 "Them motherfuckers get weird sometimes, man." 240 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,209 "People get weird." That's how we looked at people. 241 00:11:08,292 --> 00:11:10,670 You switched it. We're the weird people now. 242 00:11:10,753 --> 00:11:14,340 You look at us like, "What the fuck is wrong with him?" We're the weird people. 243 00:11:14,882 --> 00:11:17,468 I don't know how to act in public. "Hey, why are you staring?" 244 00:11:17,551 --> 00:11:18,886 "What's going on, man?" 245 00:11:18,969 --> 00:11:21,347 I think everybody knows. "Get your hands out your pocket." 246 00:11:21,430 --> 00:11:22,807 "What's happening, man? Come on." 247 00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:26,519 "Fuck you about to do to me? You about to eat me? Come on, man." 248 00:11:26,602 --> 00:11:29,021 "The fuck you talking about? Nobody worried about your ass." 249 00:11:29,105 --> 00:11:31,816 "Bullshit. Look at that guy looking at me in his glasses." 250 00:11:32,441 --> 00:11:36,320 "I know somebody thinks I'm dinner when I see it. They trying to eat me here." 251 00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:39,532 Making crazy accusations all over the fucking place. 252 00:11:40,116 --> 00:11:42,660 Losing my mind. Going crazy. 253 00:11:43,327 --> 00:11:46,330 You guys got me living my life like a successful drug dealer. 254 00:11:47,248 --> 00:11:49,708 It's a true story. True story. There was a time, 255 00:11:49,792 --> 00:11:52,628 if you wanted to come to my house to talk to me, you had to get naked. 256 00:11:52,711 --> 00:11:53,921 Get in the fucking pool. 257 00:11:54,505 --> 00:11:57,341 How else would I know that you're not wearing a wire? "Who you with?" 258 00:11:57,425 --> 00:11:59,718 "E!? People? Who the fuck is you with?" 259 00:11:59,802 --> 00:12:02,680 "Came here for a story for the tabloids. I don't trust you, Dad." 260 00:12:02,763 --> 00:12:03,722 [chuckles] 261 00:12:04,765 --> 00:12:06,642 "I'm your father." "Shut up, bitch!" 262 00:12:07,726 --> 00:12:10,104 "Who you been talking to, Dad?" "Get in the pool." 263 00:12:10,813 --> 00:12:12,773 "Finish this conversation in six feet." 264 00:12:13,357 --> 00:12:16,694 "Switch that. Four. Go to four feet. I can't see. Go to four." 265 00:12:19,029 --> 00:12:20,197 This is where I am. 266 00:12:21,073 --> 00:12:23,284 This is where I am. 267 00:12:24,243 --> 00:12:26,912 My wife says the same things, "Honey, you're getting old." 268 00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:30,416 "Getting angry, irritable. Need to get out and get back to yourself." 269 00:12:30,499 --> 00:12:33,794 "Get back to your ways of old. You can't live like this." 270 00:12:34,545 --> 00:12:38,382 I decided to start doing stand-up again. I said, "Baby, you're right. I need to go 271 00:12:38,466 --> 00:12:42,136 and start doing stand-up comedy again." That's how I get back to myself. 272 00:12:42,219 --> 00:12:43,637 That's how I get back to me. 273 00:12:43,721 --> 00:12:44,763 [crowd applauding] 274 00:12:45,764 --> 00:12:48,726 I told my friends I was gonna start doing comedy again. 275 00:12:48,809 --> 00:12:51,437 They said, "Gonna talk about your wife and kids again?" 276 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:53,898 I said, "What else do I have?" 277 00:12:55,107 --> 00:12:56,567 I don't have nothing else. 278 00:12:56,650 --> 00:12:58,652 All my bitches left after the sex tape. 279 00:12:58,736 --> 00:13:00,988 Every bitch I had, left. 280 00:13:01,989 --> 00:13:05,659 Every one of them. "Where you going, Lorraine? Gladys? Pearl?" [chuckles] 281 00:13:06,285 --> 00:13:07,620 "Where you going?" 282 00:13:08,704 --> 00:13:11,415 These are older names 'cause I had older bitches at the time. 283 00:13:13,542 --> 00:13:15,461 "Get back here, Ethel. Come on, man." 284 00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:17,588 "Don't do this to me." 285 00:13:17,671 --> 00:13:19,798 "Magnus, come on, please." [chuckles] 286 00:13:20,549 --> 00:13:21,884 "Please don't do this." 287 00:13:23,135 --> 00:13:25,179 "Loretta, you can't leave. Come on." 288 00:13:28,224 --> 00:13:29,808 What else do I have? 289 00:13:29,892 --> 00:13:31,143 I have to. 290 00:13:31,769 --> 00:13:34,146 Talking about my kids is a must, man. 291 00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:36,190 It's a must. They're part of my everyday life. 292 00:13:36,273 --> 00:13:38,901 I don't know what else to talk about, 293 00:13:38,984 --> 00:13:41,487 outside of the things that I go through on the daily. 294 00:13:41,570 --> 00:13:43,489 My kids are with me on a daily. 295 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:47,868 Two teenagers, one three-year-old, a baby that could be here any day now. 296 00:13:47,952 --> 00:13:49,828 -Any day, any fucking day now. -[crowd applauding] 297 00:13:52,248 --> 00:13:56,168 About to throw these balls in the trash. I ain't having no more fucking babies. 298 00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:58,796 I'mma roof these balls after this fucking baby come. 299 00:13:58,879 --> 00:14:01,215 I'mma take both balls, throw them on the fucking roof. 300 00:14:01,298 --> 00:14:02,633 You can kiss my ass 301 00:14:02,716 --> 00:14:05,511 thinking another child is coming out of these balls, I promise. 302 00:14:06,136 --> 00:14:08,055 You're a fucking liar if you say it's my baby. 303 00:14:08,138 --> 00:14:10,558 Balls in the trash after this baby. 304 00:14:12,434 --> 00:14:14,770 My daughter and I are closer than we've ever been. 305 00:14:14,853 --> 00:14:16,522 My daughter's boy crazy. 306 00:14:16,605 --> 00:14:17,523 Boy crazy. 307 00:14:18,232 --> 00:14:19,858 Once again, I gotta act like I like it. 308 00:14:19,942 --> 00:14:22,695 I don't. You gotta act like you do. 309 00:14:22,778 --> 00:14:24,530 I love this. I love that, in my specials, 310 00:14:24,613 --> 00:14:28,742 you get to see the growth of my fucking kids. 311 00:14:28,826 --> 00:14:30,452 You see their development. 312 00:14:30,536 --> 00:14:31,912 They're getting older, man. 313 00:14:31,996 --> 00:14:34,915 Daughter told me she likes this boy named Matt at her school. 314 00:14:34,999 --> 00:14:38,168 "Dad, I like this boy named Matt. Oh, my God. He's so cute." 315 00:14:38,252 --> 00:14:40,337 "He makes me laugh. I want him." 316 00:14:40,421 --> 00:14:42,423 "What the fuck does that mean?" 317 00:14:42,506 --> 00:14:43,632 "What does that mean?" 318 00:14:44,258 --> 00:14:47,553 "I want him." "What the fuck are you saying, little girl?" 319 00:14:48,846 --> 00:14:51,181 "Should I tell him?" "If that's how you feel, tell him." 320 00:14:51,265 --> 00:14:53,684 She goes to school, tells him how she feels, comes home, 321 00:14:53,767 --> 00:14:57,771 "Dad, oh, my God. Guess what? Matt likes me back. We're a thing." 322 00:14:57,855 --> 00:14:59,773 "Good for you, honey. That makes me happy." 323 00:14:59,857 --> 00:15:01,859 "Do me a favor, keep it in the kid space, though." 324 00:15:01,942 --> 00:15:03,068 "Okay, Dad." 325 00:15:03,152 --> 00:15:05,279 She comes back home two days later. 326 00:15:05,362 --> 00:15:08,782 "Dad, I don't like Matt no more. I like this boy named Rob now." 327 00:15:08,866 --> 00:15:11,911 "He look better, he make me laugh more. That's who I really want." 328 00:15:12,494 --> 00:15:14,747 "It happens. Sometimes you think you like somebody, 329 00:15:14,830 --> 00:15:18,459 you meet somebody else, you realize that's the person you liked all along." 330 00:15:18,542 --> 00:15:19,501 "It's called life." 331 00:15:20,169 --> 00:15:22,963 "Make it happen. Move on. Be honest with the other person." 332 00:15:23,047 --> 00:15:24,298 "All right, Dad, I love you." 333 00:15:24,381 --> 00:15:25,841 "Keep it in the kid space." 334 00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:29,595 A week goes by. "Dad, I don't like Rob no more." 335 00:15:29,678 --> 00:15:31,013 "I like this boy named Tim." 336 00:15:31,096 --> 00:15:32,765 Instantly, in my mind, 337 00:15:33,265 --> 00:15:35,267 I said, "My daughter a ho. This is ho shit." 338 00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:37,978 "This is ho shit." 339 00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:41,482 -Ho activity right in front of my face. -[crowd laughs] 340 00:15:42,232 --> 00:15:45,152 I immediately called a ho that I knew from the past. 341 00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:48,030 Asked her if this is how it went down for her. 342 00:15:48,530 --> 00:15:51,325 Three boys back-to-back. She said, "Yup, the same way." 343 00:15:52,326 --> 00:15:55,996 "Next thing I knew, I was plucking balls in the bathroom." What is happening? 344 00:15:56,705 --> 00:15:58,958 Don't want my baby plucking balls. I gotta save her. 345 00:16:00,292 --> 00:16:01,710 What I gotta do is see these boys. 346 00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:04,338 Went to the school. I wanted to see 'em, what they look like. 347 00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:06,006 I saw 'em. 348 00:16:06,090 --> 00:16:07,841 Saw Matt first. Gotta be honest. 349 00:16:08,342 --> 00:16:11,220 Charming little kid, personality was out of this world. 350 00:16:11,303 --> 00:16:14,848 I see why she likes Matt. I see it. I get it. 351 00:16:14,932 --> 00:16:16,934 Charming little boy. I get it. 352 00:16:17,685 --> 00:16:21,855 Personality, funny guy. I see why you like Matt. I get it. 353 00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:25,109 Then Rob walked in. Rob walked in. 354 00:16:25,609 --> 00:16:28,362 I didn't look at Matt again. I forgot all about Matt. 355 00:16:29,071 --> 00:16:31,699 Who the fuck is Matt? Rob had a different thing. 356 00:16:31,782 --> 00:16:33,242 Personality popped. 357 00:16:33,325 --> 00:16:35,285 Had a bunch of pizzazz, flair. 358 00:16:35,369 --> 00:16:37,246 Used his hands a lot when he talked. 359 00:16:39,289 --> 00:16:41,000 This kid's got something. 360 00:16:41,083 --> 00:16:43,002 I see why she don't like fucking Matt. 361 00:16:44,086 --> 00:16:46,422 Then Tim walked in. Tim had on leather pants… 362 00:16:47,589 --> 00:16:48,424 with some Heelys. 363 00:16:48,507 --> 00:16:51,593 You know how confident you gotta be to wear leather pants in high school? 364 00:16:52,219 --> 00:16:53,721 A Black kid with leather pants. 365 00:16:53,804 --> 00:16:55,681 There's no Black kid that I've ever heard about 366 00:16:55,764 --> 00:16:57,766 that wore leather pants outside of Lenny Kravitz. 367 00:16:57,850 --> 00:16:59,184 That's the only Black man. 368 00:17:00,185 --> 00:17:02,646 And it's a rumor that Lenny did it at a young age. 369 00:17:03,147 --> 00:17:05,858 Tim had Heelys on, just slid through the fucking room. 370 00:17:06,525 --> 00:17:07,901 Jesus Christ, man. 371 00:17:08,402 --> 00:17:10,821 Cigarettes under his arms. I said, "Do you smoke?" 372 00:17:10,904 --> 00:17:13,449 He said, "It's just a look," as he was gliding by me. [chuckles] 373 00:17:13,532 --> 00:17:14,408 -Fuck. -[crowd laughing] 374 00:17:15,159 --> 00:17:16,493 Kids today are different. 375 00:17:17,244 --> 00:17:19,580 My son and my daughter are on two different pages. 376 00:17:19,663 --> 00:17:21,582 Shit makes me laugh. Always have been. 377 00:17:21,665 --> 00:17:24,126 Always have been two completely different pages. 378 00:17:24,209 --> 00:17:27,588 My son is… He's what you call… What do they call it today? 379 00:17:27,671 --> 00:17:29,923 What are the kids called today, when the kids are… 380 00:17:30,007 --> 00:17:32,134 Dumb. There it is. I got it. Dumb. 381 00:17:33,260 --> 00:17:35,054 Struggling academically. 382 00:17:35,137 --> 00:17:38,557 I know you guys are like, "Don't call your kid dumb." Why not? He's mine. 383 00:17:39,808 --> 00:17:41,101 Chip off the old fucking block. 384 00:17:41,185 --> 00:17:44,521 Not like I'm standing up here as a smart-ass man. I was dumb as shit, too. 385 00:17:45,105 --> 00:17:46,648 Worked out for me so far. 386 00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:48,859 Dumb is the right way to go in my household. 387 00:17:48,942 --> 00:17:50,027 [crowd applauding] 388 00:17:50,110 --> 00:17:51,445 It's the right way to go. 389 00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:55,741 Then it pisses me off as the school constantly calls me 390 00:17:55,824 --> 00:17:59,953 to remind me of my son's educational problems. 391 00:18:00,037 --> 00:18:01,955 "Mr. Hart, he failed another test." 392 00:18:02,456 --> 00:18:04,124 "Mr. Hart, his grades are dropping." 393 00:18:04,208 --> 00:18:07,294 "Want to discuss your son's grades?" "They continue to drop." 394 00:18:07,377 --> 00:18:09,546 I snapped on 'em, "Don't call me no more." 395 00:18:09,630 --> 00:18:12,257 "Don't call me about his grades no more. Call him." 396 00:18:12,341 --> 00:18:14,802 "Call him. That's his problem. It's not my problem." 397 00:18:14,885 --> 00:18:18,263 "Last I checked, I went to school. I passed. I'm successful." 398 00:18:18,347 --> 00:18:22,226 "I'm not going to school again. He needs to fucking pass that class, not me." 399 00:18:22,309 --> 00:18:23,352 "Call him." 400 00:18:24,436 --> 00:18:27,231 Private schools, man, they got this weird thing. 401 00:18:27,314 --> 00:18:30,234 I'm not that much of a fan of private schools, I'll be honest. 402 00:18:30,317 --> 00:18:32,736 I am not a fan of private schools at all. 403 00:18:33,237 --> 00:18:36,115 Yes, my kids attend private schools. Doesn't mean I'm a fan of it. 404 00:18:36,198 --> 00:18:39,618 I feel like private schools protect kids from reality. 405 00:18:39,701 --> 00:18:43,789 They protect you. They protect you from fucking reality. 406 00:18:44,665 --> 00:18:45,958 Private school… 407 00:18:46,041 --> 00:18:49,253 Private schools breed bitches. That's how I feel. I said it. 408 00:18:49,336 --> 00:18:51,755 I said it. I'm not taking it back. That's how I feel. 409 00:18:51,839 --> 00:18:54,466 Private schools breed bitches. 410 00:18:55,634 --> 00:18:58,011 I'm in my comfort zone, I'mma let it fly today. 411 00:18:58,595 --> 00:19:00,597 Everything that I fucking feel, I'mma say. 412 00:19:01,181 --> 00:19:04,893 You ever see a grown man get punched in the face that went to private school? 413 00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:06,436 He immediately looks for a teacher. 414 00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:07,980 [mimics exclaiming] 415 00:19:13,443 --> 00:19:16,363 He just… He gives you five of these… "Huh." 416 00:19:16,947 --> 00:19:17,823 "I don't know. Why?" 417 00:19:18,407 --> 00:19:21,952 Looking for somebody to tell him why. "I don't know. Why? What?" 418 00:19:22,035 --> 00:19:24,246 "We gotta have an arbitration. When's the meeting?" 419 00:19:24,329 --> 00:19:26,373 Public schools, now that's different. 420 00:19:26,456 --> 00:19:29,334 Public schools, you got no choice but to grow the fuck up. 421 00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:32,004 You got no choice but to grow up in public schools. 422 00:19:32,087 --> 00:19:34,631 It's a pot of fuckshit. They just throw you in it. 423 00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:39,011 They just throw you in it. Nobody prepares you for the shit you gonna see. 424 00:19:39,553 --> 00:19:42,306 I saw my first white person in public school. 425 00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:44,766 I didn't know what the fuck it was. 426 00:19:45,767 --> 00:19:48,478 It was the only one there. "What the fuck is that? Jesus Christ!" 427 00:19:49,354 --> 00:19:52,232 I thought it was somebody from Star Wars, "That's a stormtrooper." 428 00:19:53,150 --> 00:19:55,068 "It's a fucking stormtrooper right there." 429 00:19:55,819 --> 00:19:57,946 Just a white person walking down the hall. 430 00:19:58,030 --> 00:19:59,364 I was making the noises… 431 00:19:59,448 --> 00:20:01,033 [mimics blaster] 432 00:20:02,451 --> 00:20:04,870 "It's a fucking stormtrooper. No?" 433 00:20:05,579 --> 00:20:06,872 "No, that's a white person." 434 00:20:06,955 --> 00:20:09,416 "I never knew. Nobody told me what it was." 435 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,794 Public school throws you into a pot of fuckshit. 436 00:20:12,878 --> 00:20:14,379 Everything is there. 437 00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:17,966 White people, Black people, Mexican, Chinese, Puerto Rican. 438 00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:20,344 Fat, skinny, gay, straight. 439 00:20:20,427 --> 00:20:23,222 Dirty, clean. It's all there. 440 00:20:23,305 --> 00:20:26,016 They just push you in. You gotta figure it out. 441 00:20:26,099 --> 00:20:27,309 Kids are scared. 442 00:20:27,392 --> 00:20:29,019 [mimics exclaiming] 443 00:20:32,272 --> 00:20:34,441 They run straight to the teacher, "I'm scared. Help." 444 00:20:34,524 --> 00:20:36,401 The teacher answer, "Me, too, bitch. 445 00:20:38,570 --> 00:20:41,365 "Walked through the same metal detectors. Don't think I'm scared?" 446 00:20:42,574 --> 00:20:44,785 "Keep your back against the locker, head on a swivel." 447 00:20:44,868 --> 00:20:45,827 "What?" 448 00:20:46,453 --> 00:20:48,622 "Get you some Mace, put it in a plastic bottle like this." 449 00:20:48,705 --> 00:20:51,166 "Gush it at him. That's what I'd do." "Gush it?" 450 00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:56,922 I don't feel like my kids' private school respects my level of celebrity. 451 00:20:58,799 --> 00:21:00,717 I don't. I really don't. 452 00:21:00,801 --> 00:21:03,762 I mean this. I swear to God, my plan… I'm gonna be very honest. 453 00:21:04,346 --> 00:21:06,682 It's my fucking household. I'm not holding back. 454 00:21:06,765 --> 00:21:10,269 They don't respect my level of celebrity. 455 00:21:11,061 --> 00:21:13,689 I'm a very humble guy. [chuckles] 456 00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:18,485 May not seem like it after that sentence, but I am. I'm a very humble guy. 457 00:21:19,361 --> 00:21:23,615 What's understood doesn't need to be said. You know who I am. I know you know it. 458 00:21:23,699 --> 00:21:25,867 Don't make me say who I am. 459 00:21:25,951 --> 00:21:29,579 They put me in the position to have to say who I am. 460 00:21:29,663 --> 00:21:32,874 I go drop my kids off at school, teachers come out, surround my car. 461 00:21:32,958 --> 00:21:35,794 "Mr. Hart, we'd love to talk to you for a second." 462 00:21:35,877 --> 00:21:38,297 "The big fair is coming up." 463 00:21:38,380 --> 00:21:40,841 "We do this fair once a year at the school." 464 00:21:40,924 --> 00:21:42,426 "We would love it 465 00:21:42,509 --> 00:21:45,512 if you would be the greeter at this year's fair." 466 00:21:49,850 --> 00:21:51,893 [crowd laughs] 467 00:21:55,814 --> 00:21:58,317 I gave her a lot of time for her to say, "I'm bullshitting." 468 00:21:58,400 --> 00:21:59,693 She never said it. 469 00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:02,779 I said, "Are you fucking kidding me?" 470 00:22:02,863 --> 00:22:04,281 "No, it's our biggest fair." 471 00:22:04,364 --> 00:22:06,283 "We would love it if you would be the greeter." 472 00:22:06,366 --> 00:22:09,911 "We think you would make an amazing greeter at this year's fair." 473 00:22:10,704 --> 00:22:13,332 Before I go on with this joke, I wanna make something clear. 474 00:22:13,415 --> 00:22:16,376 First things first, I have nothing against greeters. 475 00:22:17,377 --> 00:22:20,172 Okay? I don't wanna tell this joke and walk outside my house 476 00:22:20,255 --> 00:22:23,091 and you're all there with signs talking about "Cancel Kevin Hart 477 00:22:23,175 --> 00:22:25,052 'cause he don't respect greeters." 478 00:22:25,135 --> 00:22:27,888 "Cancel Kevin Hart 'cause he don't respect the greeters." 479 00:22:27,971 --> 00:22:29,681 Greeters are amazing people. 480 00:22:30,182 --> 00:22:33,310 The job is actually required. I get it. 481 00:22:33,393 --> 00:22:36,646 I've actually been hit with some amazing greetings in my time. 482 00:22:37,898 --> 00:22:41,068 I went to Walmart, I got hit with a greeting so fantastic one time… 483 00:22:41,151 --> 00:22:45,030 I don't even know where he came from. He just slid in my POV. [chuckles] 484 00:22:45,113 --> 00:22:47,074 I walked in. He was like, "Welcome to Walmart." 485 00:22:47,157 --> 00:22:50,285 "You here to get you some stuff?" I said, "What the fuck?" 486 00:22:50,368 --> 00:22:52,662 "Where did you come from, man?" [chuckles] 487 00:22:53,538 --> 00:22:56,208 "You better get some stuff. We rolling back prices." 488 00:22:56,291 --> 00:22:58,877 Then he moonwalked. He just moonwalked out the way. 489 00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:02,923 I said, "What the fuck just happened?" "What just happened here?" 490 00:23:03,006 --> 00:23:07,177 I was so blown away by the greeting, not only did I go get me some stuff, 491 00:23:07,260 --> 00:23:10,764 I broke my neck looking for this guy on the way out. 492 00:23:11,431 --> 00:23:15,143 I wanted him to see my stuff. "Hey, come here, man!" 493 00:23:15,227 --> 00:23:18,230 "Hey, come here. I wanna show you my stuff." 494 00:23:20,023 --> 00:23:23,485 He came over, I opened my bag. He was like… "Ooh!" 495 00:23:26,613 --> 00:23:31,743 He said, "Ooh! You got you some good stuff." 496 00:23:33,036 --> 00:23:36,832 Took out his highlighter, swiped my receipt so people knew I didn't steal. 497 00:23:37,499 --> 00:23:39,626 He said, "Make sure you come back and see me again." 498 00:23:39,709 --> 00:23:40,877 I said, "You gonna be here?" 499 00:23:40,961 --> 00:23:43,380 He said, "If I'm not, who will?" Moonwalks out the way again. 500 00:23:43,463 --> 00:23:45,757 -I said, "What the fuck?" -[crowd laughs and applauds] 501 00:23:45,841 --> 00:23:48,593 "It's one of the best greetings I've ever seen, man." 502 00:23:49,094 --> 00:23:51,096 "Of course I'mma come back and see you again." 503 00:23:52,639 --> 00:23:56,560 I'm not shitting on greeters. I'm just saying I didn't have to go that route. 504 00:23:57,227 --> 00:24:00,105 I went around that to get to my success. 505 00:24:01,314 --> 00:24:04,526 You don't come to me and ask me to be the fucking greeter. 506 00:24:04,609 --> 00:24:07,320 I had a number-one movie in the box office at the time. 507 00:24:08,071 --> 00:24:10,240 -I was on the side of fucking buses. -[crowd applauding] 508 00:24:11,241 --> 00:24:13,201 You don't ask me to be the greeter. 509 00:24:13,285 --> 00:24:14,911 [crowd laughing] 510 00:24:14,995 --> 00:24:16,997 There are parents that got kids that go there 511 00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:20,584 that are former actors and actresses that you could have asked. 512 00:24:20,667 --> 00:24:22,586 Carlton from the Fresh Prince, Alfonso? 513 00:24:23,170 --> 00:24:25,255 That's your greeter. This right here. 514 00:24:25,755 --> 00:24:28,258 That's what you want in front. That's your greeter. 515 00:24:29,467 --> 00:24:31,386 Terry Crews. He got kids that go there. 516 00:24:31,469 --> 00:24:33,805 That's your greeter. Pec-popping at the front. 517 00:24:33,889 --> 00:24:37,225 [mimicking Terry Crews] "Hey…" 518 00:24:37,809 --> 00:24:41,021 "Hey… Welcome to the fair. Who want a ticket?" 519 00:24:42,355 --> 00:24:44,816 What a combination. Parents would've went crazy. "Whoa! 520 00:24:45,734 --> 00:24:46,943 "What a school." 521 00:24:48,111 --> 00:24:50,655 "I want tickets. I'm gonna buy every ticket I can." 522 00:24:50,739 --> 00:24:52,199 [mimics Crews] Hey… 523 00:24:53,158 --> 00:24:55,911 Parents would be blown away. These greeters are amazing. 524 00:24:57,954 --> 00:24:59,789 My wife said what she normally says. 525 00:25:00,540 --> 00:25:01,499 "Kevin, calm down." 526 00:25:02,375 --> 00:25:05,337 "Get yourself together. You getting older, more irritable, 527 00:25:05,420 --> 00:25:08,673 and you don't want that energy to rub off on your kids." 528 00:25:08,757 --> 00:25:13,094 It's not gonna rub off on my goddamn kids. I know it's not gonna rub off on my kids. 529 00:25:13,178 --> 00:25:16,640 This pandemic gave me a chance to spend a lot of time with my kids. 530 00:25:16,723 --> 00:25:19,601 A lot of time with my kids. For the first time, I realized 531 00:25:19,684 --> 00:25:21,561 my kids are a little spoiled. 532 00:25:21,645 --> 00:25:25,523 They're a little spoiled. But it's not by choice, it's by circumstances. 533 00:25:25,607 --> 00:25:28,610 I have good kids. My kids are great kids. I gotta be honest. 534 00:25:29,194 --> 00:25:31,488 I got very lucky. I got great kids. 535 00:25:31,571 --> 00:25:34,616 But because of their circumstances, they're a little spoiled. 536 00:25:35,116 --> 00:25:38,703 For example, they've been flying private since birth, they didn't ask for that. 537 00:25:38,787 --> 00:25:40,247 They were born into that. 538 00:25:40,330 --> 00:25:42,040 They only travel with me. 539 00:25:42,624 --> 00:25:45,835 First time they traveled without me was during this pandemic with my ex-wife. 540 00:25:45,919 --> 00:25:49,214 Went back to Philadelphia with their mom to go see their grandma. 541 00:25:49,297 --> 00:25:50,840 My kids called me from the airport. 542 00:25:50,924 --> 00:25:54,177 You would have thought my kids were in Baghdad. 543 00:25:54,261 --> 00:25:55,595 I've never seen… 544 00:25:56,304 --> 00:25:59,015 a higher level of panic in my fucking life. 545 00:25:59,099 --> 00:26:01,393 Called me from the airport, "Dad!" 546 00:26:02,143 --> 00:26:03,770 [whimpering] "What's happening?" 547 00:26:04,688 --> 00:26:07,274 My daughter was like, "They're taking my lotions and toothpaste." 548 00:26:07,357 --> 00:26:08,692 "What am I supposed to do?" 549 00:26:11,528 --> 00:26:13,238 "They're making me walk through metal…" 550 00:26:13,321 --> 00:26:15,824 My son snatched the phone, "What the fuck is going on, Dad?" 551 00:26:17,117 --> 00:26:18,785 "They won't let me take my bags." 552 00:26:18,868 --> 00:26:21,496 "They said I can't take my backpacks, my pulleys, my duffys." 553 00:26:22,414 --> 00:26:25,583 "I gotta put my games underneath. How am I gonna play 'em, Dad?" 554 00:26:28,128 --> 00:26:31,214 I told them both, "Relax. Stop it. Stop!" 555 00:26:32,173 --> 00:26:33,300 "Both of you." 556 00:26:34,551 --> 00:26:35,760 "It's called security." 557 00:26:36,803 --> 00:26:38,805 "It's called TSA, okay?" 558 00:26:39,431 --> 00:26:42,392 "This is called life with your mother." 559 00:26:42,475 --> 00:26:44,185 "All right? There's a difference." 560 00:26:44,978 --> 00:26:47,105 "There's a drop-off. It's all right." 561 00:26:47,939 --> 00:26:49,149 "Things change." 562 00:26:49,899 --> 00:26:51,443 "It's okay." 563 00:26:52,360 --> 00:26:53,820 "You'll both be fine." 564 00:26:54,821 --> 00:26:58,241 I overlooked some of the things I do because I never thought twice about 'em. 565 00:26:58,325 --> 00:27:01,119 Me and my kids go to the amusement park, we do the whole park. 566 00:27:01,202 --> 00:27:03,747 The whole fucking park, man, in 30, 40 minutes. 567 00:27:04,456 --> 00:27:08,376 How? Well, I call ahead. There's a concierge they assign to me. 568 00:27:08,460 --> 00:27:10,670 I get to the park, concierge walks me and my family 569 00:27:10,754 --> 00:27:13,965 up to the front of every single ride. Done it for years. 570 00:27:14,591 --> 00:27:18,386 Keep in mind, I explain to my kids, "Listen, this is earned. It's not given." 571 00:27:18,970 --> 00:27:20,430 "This doesn't just happen." 572 00:27:20,513 --> 00:27:24,559 "Your father worked hard to be able to walk to the front of these fucking lines." 573 00:27:25,185 --> 00:27:27,937 "There's rules. You don't just walk to the front of the line." 574 00:27:28,021 --> 00:27:30,732 "Rule number one, as we are walking to the front of the line, 575 00:27:30,815 --> 00:27:34,778 you do not make eye contact with none of these fucking people in this line." 576 00:27:34,861 --> 00:27:35,904 "You hear me?" 577 00:27:36,571 --> 00:27:38,865 "You keep your eyes straight ahead 578 00:27:39,491 --> 00:27:43,536 and you don't fucking look left or right until we get to the front of the line." 579 00:27:44,162 --> 00:27:47,874 "These people are gonna say things. They're gonna say a lot of mean things 580 00:27:47,957 --> 00:27:49,209 about me, you." 581 00:27:49,292 --> 00:27:50,919 "You just ignore 'em." 582 00:27:51,002 --> 00:27:54,214 "Ignore 'em, because guess what? We're in our car, headed home." 583 00:27:54,297 --> 00:27:56,091 "We're never gonna see these people again." 584 00:27:56,674 --> 00:28:00,261 "You know where these people gonna be? Still in that fucking line." 585 00:28:00,345 --> 00:28:02,263 "They're still gonna be in the line." 586 00:28:03,556 --> 00:28:04,974 "And that's reality." 587 00:28:07,143 --> 00:28:09,521 My kids processed that, they understood it. 588 00:28:10,021 --> 00:28:11,815 For years, this is how we operated. 589 00:28:12,941 --> 00:28:15,068 They called me from the amusement park. 590 00:28:15,151 --> 00:28:17,487 They were with their cousins, they FaceTimed me. 591 00:28:17,987 --> 00:28:21,449 I answer their FaceTime. I could tell that they were weak. 592 00:28:21,533 --> 00:28:24,327 Malnourished, they hadn't eaten in hours, I could tell. 593 00:28:24,411 --> 00:28:26,871 They had the white shit in the corner of their mouths. 594 00:28:26,955 --> 00:28:27,956 [chuckles] 595 00:28:28,039 --> 00:28:29,541 They could barely stand. 596 00:28:29,624 --> 00:28:32,001 [mimics yelling] 597 00:28:33,878 --> 00:28:35,422 "Dad!" 598 00:28:36,881 --> 00:28:40,760 "We've been in line for hours, we haven't rode anything." 599 00:28:42,095 --> 00:28:44,889 "We got the fast pass, but it's not fast at all." 600 00:28:47,726 --> 00:28:51,104 "Can you call somebody? Can you do something?" 601 00:28:51,187 --> 00:28:52,605 I said, "Who are you with?" 602 00:28:53,189 --> 00:28:54,399 "Our cousins." 603 00:28:54,482 --> 00:28:56,151 "Is your mother there?" "Yes." 604 00:28:56,234 --> 00:28:58,069 "Put your mom on the phone, let me talk to your mom." 605 00:28:58,153 --> 00:29:01,239 Got their mom on the phone. She said, "Hey, what's up?" "Hey." 606 00:29:01,322 --> 00:29:02,949 "Checkmate, bitch." I hung up the phone. 607 00:29:03,032 --> 00:29:04,993 [crowd laughing] 608 00:29:05,076 --> 00:29:05,994 I was quick. 609 00:29:08,288 --> 00:29:10,498 I haven't went over these jokes with my ex-wife yet, 610 00:29:10,582 --> 00:29:11,958 I wanna let you guys know. 611 00:29:12,959 --> 00:29:16,004 These jokes are gonna come with a price tag attached to 'em. 612 00:29:17,005 --> 00:29:19,048 Probably have to buy her a Tesla truck or something. 613 00:29:19,132 --> 00:29:22,093 Something's gotta happen. It's just a good fucking joke. 614 00:29:22,177 --> 00:29:24,596 Those are two good jokes, I can't get rid of 'em. 615 00:29:24,679 --> 00:29:25,513 [all applauding] 616 00:29:25,597 --> 00:29:27,849 I thought about those jokes for a long time. 617 00:29:28,641 --> 00:29:31,811 I gotta let 'em fly. It's worth the consequence. 618 00:29:32,520 --> 00:29:36,399 I'll send her a couple of text messages after this tape and see how she feels. 619 00:29:36,941 --> 00:29:38,026 [Kevin chuckling] 620 00:29:39,736 --> 00:29:43,031 My wife says the same thing all the time, "Kevin, you getting older." 621 00:29:43,615 --> 00:29:45,283 "Getting angry, irritable." 622 00:29:45,366 --> 00:29:48,953 I'm here to tell you I am getting older. Forty-one now, guys. 623 00:29:49,037 --> 00:29:52,332 -[crowd cheering and applauding] -I know, right? 624 00:29:52,999 --> 00:29:54,584 Where does time go? 625 00:29:54,667 --> 00:29:56,377 I was just 22 years old, man. 626 00:29:56,961 --> 00:29:59,380 You do not realize how fast time flies. 627 00:29:59,464 --> 00:30:01,424 Look back, all those comedy specials on the wall, 628 00:30:01,508 --> 00:30:03,259 that's a timeline of my fucking life. 629 00:30:03,343 --> 00:30:05,887 That's damn near 16 years of comedy, man. 630 00:30:06,387 --> 00:30:09,307 Sixteen fucking years of comedy, like, it's insane. 631 00:30:09,390 --> 00:30:10,308 [crowd applauding] 632 00:30:10,809 --> 00:30:12,143 Forty-one. 633 00:30:12,769 --> 00:30:13,853 What happened? 634 00:30:14,562 --> 00:30:16,189 Shit changes at the age of 40. 635 00:30:16,272 --> 00:30:18,858 You hear about it, but you don't believe it, things change. 636 00:30:18,942 --> 00:30:22,070 I'm here to tell you, shit does change. 637 00:30:22,153 --> 00:30:24,280 Biggest change for me, after the age of 40, 638 00:30:24,364 --> 00:30:26,074 the balls dropped. I got some length. 639 00:30:26,783 --> 00:30:29,702 Got some fucking length on my balls. I didn't ask for it. 640 00:30:30,328 --> 00:30:32,789 Just happened. I didn't even know. I was in the kitchen. 641 00:30:32,872 --> 00:30:35,542 Bent over, wife said, "Why you got dice in your back pocket?" 642 00:30:35,625 --> 00:30:38,169 "I ain't got no fucking dice in my back pocket." 643 00:30:38,795 --> 00:30:42,173 Touched my back pocket, "Goddamn, those are my fucking balls." 644 00:30:43,007 --> 00:30:46,386 "How did my balls get in my back pocket? What just happened to me?" 645 00:30:46,469 --> 00:30:47,887 "How long was I asleep?" 646 00:30:49,806 --> 00:30:51,933 "Who stretched me out while I was asleep?" 647 00:30:54,936 --> 00:30:58,314 The biggest thing for me is how content I am at this age, man. 648 00:30:58,398 --> 00:30:59,691 I am okay. 649 00:31:00,316 --> 00:31:03,653 I'm very serious, man. I am okay. I don't need to do much. 650 00:31:03,736 --> 00:31:05,530 I love being in the fucking house. 651 00:31:06,322 --> 00:31:08,157 I actually built the house. 652 00:31:08,241 --> 00:31:10,743 Me and my wife built the house, that's where we wanted to stay. 653 00:31:10,827 --> 00:31:13,329 We wanted to stay in this fucking house. 654 00:31:13,413 --> 00:31:17,125 Let's build our dream house to stay in it, not to leave it. 655 00:31:17,208 --> 00:31:20,503 Women got a problem with doing this thing called sitting the fuck down. 656 00:31:20,587 --> 00:31:25,967 It's very difficult for women to sit the fuck down. 657 00:31:27,218 --> 00:31:29,596 Sit the fuck down. 658 00:31:30,221 --> 00:31:31,806 That's a task for women. 659 00:31:32,515 --> 00:31:35,184 A woman's favorite line, "Let's go do some stuff." 660 00:31:36,060 --> 00:31:37,854 "What stuff?" "Mmm-mmm. Something." 661 00:31:39,022 --> 00:31:41,566 "The fuck are you saying?" "Something." 662 00:31:41,649 --> 00:31:43,192 [Kevin chuckles] 663 00:31:44,027 --> 00:31:47,572 A bunch of men… There's a bunch of men rejoicing. "Yeah!" 664 00:31:48,740 --> 00:31:51,075 "Something, I don't know. Something." 665 00:31:52,911 --> 00:31:56,164 You know what my wife's biggest problem is? Chasing her past. 666 00:31:56,247 --> 00:31:58,207 Trying to redo what she did when she was younger. 667 00:31:58,791 --> 00:32:01,669 Ladies, I'm here to give you a personal message. It's okay to get old. 668 00:32:02,170 --> 00:32:04,339 There's nothing wrong with getting old. 669 00:32:04,422 --> 00:32:05,506 [crowd applauding] 670 00:32:05,590 --> 00:32:07,175 There's nothing wrong with it. 671 00:32:07,258 --> 00:32:09,928 Stop fighting old age. 672 00:32:10,428 --> 00:32:13,806 The beauty of getting older is that you get to look back and realize 673 00:32:13,890 --> 00:32:17,352 all the dope shit that you overcame and that you did when you were younger. 674 00:32:17,435 --> 00:32:18,645 That's dope. 675 00:32:18,728 --> 00:32:21,481 Stop trying to run from that. 676 00:32:22,106 --> 00:32:24,692 Stop trying to redo that. It's over. 677 00:32:25,318 --> 00:32:26,611 It's fucking over. 678 00:32:27,737 --> 00:32:29,906 She told me the other day, "We should go out tonight." 679 00:32:29,989 --> 00:32:31,407 "We should get fucked up." 680 00:32:31,491 --> 00:32:32,408 [chuckles] 681 00:32:33,034 --> 00:32:35,119 I said, "Absolutely not. No." 682 00:32:35,620 --> 00:32:37,497 "Why would I do that? No." 683 00:32:37,580 --> 00:32:39,707 "It hurts. It fucking hurts now." 684 00:32:40,249 --> 00:32:43,628 Take a shot, it gets stuck in my chest for three to five fucking minutes. 685 00:32:44,212 --> 00:32:47,715 My left side shut down, I get the shaking and shit. 686 00:32:47,799 --> 00:32:51,177 I gotta fart or shit. I don't know, it's one of 'em, something's happening. 687 00:32:52,053 --> 00:32:53,137 Making dumbass faces. 688 00:32:53,221 --> 00:32:56,099 I describe this to my wife in great detail. 689 00:32:56,599 --> 00:32:58,434 You know what her answer was? 690 00:32:58,518 --> 00:33:00,603 "You don't never wanna have fun with me." 691 00:33:01,104 --> 00:33:04,232 I said, "Bitch, I just described a stroke to you." 692 00:33:04,315 --> 00:33:05,525 "That's a stroke." 693 00:33:06,275 --> 00:33:09,028 "That's a legal stroke. I'm shutting down." 694 00:33:09,612 --> 00:33:13,866 "You don't wanna have fun with me. You don't ever want to do stuff." 695 00:33:15,493 --> 00:33:18,663 After the age 40, you know what, you lose a high level of care. 696 00:33:19,247 --> 00:33:20,623 I don't really give a fuck. 697 00:33:21,249 --> 00:33:24,252 My wife wanna go out, I don't. "You go. I don't give a fuck." 698 00:33:25,086 --> 00:33:27,505 "I'm serious. I don't give a fuck what you do." 699 00:33:27,588 --> 00:33:31,134 That's not in a malicious or angry way. I'm serious. I don't give a fuck. Go! 700 00:33:31,217 --> 00:33:33,011 Have a good time. Go!" 701 00:33:33,845 --> 00:33:37,306 Ladies, you don't know how to not give a fuck, that's your problem. 702 00:33:37,890 --> 00:33:41,436 If you guys could match a man's not-give-a-fuck energy, 703 00:33:41,519 --> 00:33:43,563 oh, my God, the world would be a better place. 704 00:33:44,439 --> 00:33:47,400 It'd be a better place. But you don't know how to not give a fuck. 705 00:33:47,483 --> 00:33:49,902 You're always searching for a fuck 'cause you just… 706 00:33:50,486 --> 00:33:53,656 You can't. You don't process it. You can't figure it out. 707 00:33:54,866 --> 00:33:57,869 I'mma tell you your problem, ladies, and I want you to listen closely. 708 00:33:58,703 --> 00:34:00,705 Here's what makes a woman really mad. 709 00:34:01,289 --> 00:34:05,334 You guys get upset if a man does not give you the reaction 710 00:34:05,418 --> 00:34:08,296 that you feel that you would give him. 711 00:34:09,005 --> 00:34:10,173 I'mma say it again. 712 00:34:11,591 --> 00:34:17,013 Ladies, you get upset if a man does not give you the reaction 713 00:34:17,096 --> 00:34:20,683 that you feel that you would give him. 714 00:34:21,267 --> 00:34:25,271 Hence why you're always searching for a give-a-fuck. 715 00:34:25,855 --> 00:34:28,483 'Cause on the other side, you're like, "I would give a fuck." 716 00:34:28,566 --> 00:34:29,400 [woman] Yeah. 717 00:34:29,484 --> 00:34:31,652 -"So you should give a fuck." -[woman] Yeah. 718 00:34:31,736 --> 00:34:33,696 That's why you search for give-a-fucks. 719 00:34:34,655 --> 00:34:36,532 My wife constantly search for 'em. 720 00:34:37,075 --> 00:34:38,451 She wants to go out. "Go out." 721 00:34:39,243 --> 00:34:41,829 She can't just leave. "All right, babe, I'm going out." 722 00:34:41,913 --> 00:34:42,789 "Cool." 723 00:34:44,832 --> 00:34:45,917 "Me and the girls." 724 00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:46,834 "Got it." 725 00:34:48,294 --> 00:34:50,088 "We probably getting fucked up tonight." 726 00:34:50,171 --> 00:34:51,130 "Do you." 727 00:34:53,341 --> 00:34:55,051 "I don't know what time we coming back." 728 00:34:55,134 --> 00:34:57,428 "I'll be asleep either way, it's fine." 729 00:34:58,012 --> 00:35:01,641 She's searching for give-a-fucks. There are no give-a-fucks! 730 00:35:01,724 --> 00:35:06,145 "Go!" I'm excited for you to leave so I can eat chips off my belly button. 731 00:35:06,229 --> 00:35:07,271 I don't give a fuck. 732 00:35:07,814 --> 00:35:08,648 "Go!" 733 00:35:11,234 --> 00:35:12,276 They can't do it. 734 00:35:13,402 --> 00:35:14,987 Hence you want the same from men. 735 00:35:15,071 --> 00:35:16,739 You don't understand, first and foremost, 736 00:35:16,823 --> 00:35:19,617 stop expecting us to be as bright and brilliant as you. 737 00:35:20,159 --> 00:35:23,204 If a man goes out and he's over 40 years old, I'm here to tell you, 738 00:35:23,287 --> 00:35:24,997 there is no plan attached to that. 739 00:35:25,498 --> 00:35:28,251 There is no fucking agenda. There's no schedule. 740 00:35:28,334 --> 00:35:31,379 Stop asking questions because we don't have the answers. 741 00:35:31,879 --> 00:35:34,549 Granted, I know some insecurities are brought on because of men 742 00:35:34,632 --> 00:35:37,260 and the things that they did in the past… I'm guilty of it… 743 00:35:37,343 --> 00:35:39,345 but after the age of 40, it goes away. 744 00:35:40,054 --> 00:35:42,849 It goes away. We don't give a fuck about shit. We don't care. 745 00:35:43,516 --> 00:35:45,059 Stop looking for shit. 746 00:35:45,726 --> 00:35:48,271 I told her… The one time I said I was going out. 747 00:35:48,354 --> 00:35:50,565 "Babe, I'm going out." "Where you going?" 748 00:35:50,648 --> 00:35:51,858 "I don't even know yet." 749 00:35:52,900 --> 00:35:53,818 "Who going with you?" 750 00:35:53,901 --> 00:35:55,444 "Whoever come I guess, I don't know." 751 00:35:57,155 --> 00:35:58,281 "What y'all gonna do?" 752 00:35:58,364 --> 00:36:01,367 "I'm trying to figure it out now. I don't know what we're doing." 753 00:36:01,450 --> 00:36:02,368 "Y'all gonna eat?" 754 00:36:02,451 --> 00:36:04,537 "I hope so, I'm hungry. I haven't eaten." 755 00:36:05,037 --> 00:36:07,123 "What time you back?" "Whatever time we done." 756 00:36:07,206 --> 00:36:08,833 "What the fuck is going on here?" 757 00:36:09,417 --> 00:36:12,253 "Am I getting graded? What is this? I don't have the answers!" 758 00:36:12,753 --> 00:36:15,381 "I'm failing miserably. Stop asking me questions." 759 00:36:15,882 --> 00:36:17,675 I can't fuckin' deal with it. 760 00:36:18,259 --> 00:36:20,887 There's a high level of insecurity sometimes 761 00:36:20,970 --> 00:36:23,306 that's not worth you having, ladies. 762 00:36:23,890 --> 00:36:25,600 We got into an argument one time. 763 00:36:25,683 --> 00:36:27,185 Got into a fucking argument. 764 00:36:27,268 --> 00:36:30,146 Two reasons. First, she asked me this big question. 765 00:36:30,229 --> 00:36:31,772 I had to explain that I didn't know. 766 00:36:31,856 --> 00:36:34,192 Another secret, ladies. After men say, "We going out," 767 00:36:34,275 --> 00:36:38,821 we actually meet in the parking lot and try to figure out what the fuck we doing. 768 00:36:38,905 --> 00:36:41,199 We actually have another meeting ourselves. 769 00:36:41,282 --> 00:36:44,619 "What's the plan?" "I thought you had it." "I don't, I thought you did." 770 00:36:44,702 --> 00:36:47,955 "Nobody got a fuckin' plan? I'm out. I'm not staying here doing this shit." 771 00:36:48,039 --> 00:36:50,499 I go home, go to sleep. I got back home early. 772 00:36:50,583 --> 00:36:52,543 "You back early 'cause you was with a bitch." 773 00:36:52,627 --> 00:36:53,586 "No, I wasn't!" 774 00:36:54,420 --> 00:36:57,256 "I was in a parking lot at Home Depot for 45 minutes… 775 00:36:58,007 --> 00:37:00,593 talking about absolutely nothing, which is why I came home." 776 00:37:02,345 --> 00:37:03,888 I don't like fuckin' arguing. 777 00:37:05,264 --> 00:37:07,350 I'm at an age where I don't argue, I just leave. 778 00:37:07,433 --> 00:37:08,559 That's my new move. 779 00:37:08,643 --> 00:37:10,519 "You argue with yourself. I'll be back." 780 00:37:11,020 --> 00:37:12,563 [chuckles] "I'll be back." 781 00:37:12,647 --> 00:37:14,982 "Hopefully when I come back, you ain't got no energy." 782 00:37:15,524 --> 00:37:16,692 That's my fuckin' move. 783 00:37:16,776 --> 00:37:19,237 We argued in the morning and I left. It was 7:00 a.m. 784 00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:20,529 She called me, I'm in the car. 785 00:37:20,613 --> 00:37:23,407 She was like, "You probably getting your dick sucked." 786 00:37:23,491 --> 00:37:24,867 At 7:00 a.m.? 787 00:37:25,868 --> 00:37:29,622 What bitch is that ambitious that's out here at 7:00 a.m… 788 00:37:30,248 --> 00:37:31,082 sucking dick? 789 00:37:31,165 --> 00:37:34,502 What type of daywalker do you think I'm dealing with? Jesus Christ! 790 00:37:35,628 --> 00:37:38,965 A 7:00 a.m. dicksucker on the loose, that's got you worried? 791 00:37:40,007 --> 00:37:41,092 What are you readin'? 792 00:37:41,175 --> 00:37:45,513 What's the blog that told y'all to worry about the dicksucker at 7:00 a.m.? 793 00:37:46,013 --> 00:37:47,723 "Watch your man, ladies!" 794 00:37:48,849 --> 00:37:51,310 "Since 7:00 a.m., dicksucker on the prowl!" 795 00:37:51,978 --> 00:37:52,853 "Thanks, girl." 796 00:37:54,397 --> 00:37:55,773 "I saw it on my…" [chuckling] 797 00:37:56,315 --> 00:37:58,317 "I saw it on my security camera." 798 00:37:58,818 --> 00:38:00,528 "Outside looking for dicks." 799 00:38:01,654 --> 00:38:02,738 Came down… [laughing] 800 00:38:04,699 --> 00:38:07,660 "I saw her looking for dicks on my security camera." 801 00:38:08,244 --> 00:38:10,663 "Somewhere out there looking for dicks." 802 00:38:12,039 --> 00:38:13,749 Shit that I deal with is unreal. 803 00:38:15,710 --> 00:38:19,130 All my wife's insecurities dropped down after she read my group chat. 804 00:38:19,964 --> 00:38:22,967 Ladies, if you got a man over 40 years old in this room, 805 00:38:23,050 --> 00:38:25,511 I challenge you to check his phone and read his group chat. 806 00:38:26,053 --> 00:38:26,929 Do it! 807 00:38:27,430 --> 00:38:29,348 Over 40? You should do it. 808 00:38:30,099 --> 00:38:30,933 Under 40? 809 00:38:31,017 --> 00:38:32,852 I don't recommend it, you gambling. 810 00:38:33,686 --> 00:38:34,812 You fuckin' gambling. 811 00:38:35,938 --> 00:38:37,982 Forty and above? Go, read it! 812 00:38:38,482 --> 00:38:43,321 You will never read a more inconsistent and unfocused conversation in your life. 813 00:38:44,155 --> 00:38:46,741 All my group chat conversations start off the same. 814 00:38:47,283 --> 00:38:48,659 They all start off great. 815 00:38:49,785 --> 00:38:50,619 "Yo!" 816 00:38:52,163 --> 00:38:53,789 "You see that picture of Rihanna's ass?" 817 00:38:53,873 --> 00:38:54,957 "Goddamn." 818 00:38:55,041 --> 00:38:56,083 "Shit!" 819 00:38:56,167 --> 00:38:57,209 "Fuck!" 820 00:38:57,293 --> 00:38:58,294 "I saw it." 821 00:38:59,128 --> 00:39:00,713 Random question flies in the chat. 822 00:39:00,796 --> 00:39:03,799 "If you run out of butter, what else can I put in the pan?" 823 00:39:03,883 --> 00:39:04,717 "What?" 824 00:39:06,427 --> 00:39:07,970 "I ain't got no butter, man." 825 00:39:08,471 --> 00:39:09,472 "What else can I use?" 826 00:39:09,555 --> 00:39:10,765 "How'd you run out of butter?" 827 00:39:10,848 --> 00:39:12,350 "I don't know, but it's gone." 828 00:39:12,933 --> 00:39:14,352 Another statement flies in. 829 00:39:14,435 --> 00:39:16,937 "I can't even eat butter. It makes my gout act up." 830 00:39:17,021 --> 00:39:17,855 "Gout?" 831 00:39:19,106 --> 00:39:21,025 "When you get gout?" "I been had gout." 832 00:39:21,108 --> 00:39:22,485 "I didn't know you had gout." 833 00:39:22,568 --> 00:39:24,403 "I told y'all I had gout." 834 00:39:24,487 --> 00:39:26,322 Another statement flies in the chat. 835 00:39:26,405 --> 00:39:27,823 "What the fuck is gout?" 836 00:39:29,950 --> 00:39:32,828 A picture from WebMD hit the chat. Pow! 837 00:39:33,537 --> 00:39:35,664 Description of gout and what the fuck it can do. 838 00:39:35,748 --> 00:39:37,458 "Goddamn, you got that?" 839 00:39:38,876 --> 00:39:40,711 Then the chat goes silent for five days. 840 00:39:40,795 --> 00:39:42,380 Don't nobody saying shit. 841 00:39:43,255 --> 00:39:45,758 Forty and up, the chat just die. 842 00:39:45,841 --> 00:39:47,093 Nobody ends it. 843 00:39:48,010 --> 00:39:50,054 Day six, they pick up right where they left off. 844 00:39:50,137 --> 00:39:51,931 "What else make your gout act up?" 845 00:39:55,184 --> 00:39:57,353 My friend Joey don't know how to use emojis. 846 00:39:58,938 --> 00:40:00,773 That's how she thought she had somethin' one time. 847 00:40:00,856 --> 00:40:03,692 You know, Joey's the older one, Joey's the one with gout. 848 00:40:04,819 --> 00:40:05,903 We tease him all the time. 849 00:40:05,986 --> 00:40:06,987 "You gout-having bitch." 850 00:40:07,071 --> 00:40:07,947 We just tease him. 851 00:40:08,447 --> 00:40:09,532 He was getting mad in the chat. 852 00:40:09,615 --> 00:40:11,450 "I'm tired of y'all teasin' me all the time." 853 00:40:11,534 --> 00:40:13,869 "Y'all just mad I'm doing the right thing with my life." 854 00:40:13,953 --> 00:40:14,995 "I'm getting healthy." 855 00:40:15,079 --> 00:40:17,832 "In fact, I'm 'bout to go get me a bunch of these right now." 856 00:40:17,915 --> 00:40:20,709 He put five eggplants back-to-back. 857 00:40:21,544 --> 00:40:22,420 Then he put… [chuckles] 858 00:40:22,920 --> 00:40:25,297 Then he put the tongue emoji with the splash. 859 00:40:25,381 --> 00:40:28,634 I said, "What the fuck… are you talking about, Joey?" 860 00:40:28,717 --> 00:40:30,803 "What are you talking about right now?" 861 00:40:30,886 --> 00:40:33,848 "You just said you're about to go take five dicks to the face… 862 00:40:33,931 --> 00:40:34,890 [chuckles] 863 00:40:34,974 --> 00:40:37,184 and get them off. That's what you just said." 864 00:40:37,268 --> 00:40:38,644 "No, I didn't say that!" 865 00:40:38,727 --> 00:40:39,770 "Yes, you did." 866 00:40:40,271 --> 00:40:42,481 "Five eggplants, tongue, splash." 867 00:40:42,565 --> 00:40:44,150 "You said you're taking it to the face, 868 00:40:44,233 --> 00:40:46,652 finishing 'em off, that's what you just said." 869 00:40:52,199 --> 00:40:53,242 Fuckin' Joey. 870 00:40:53,742 --> 00:40:56,620 Older you get, the more direct and honest you get. 871 00:40:57,413 --> 00:41:01,834 Me and my wife are at a very direct and honest space in our relationship. 872 00:41:02,418 --> 00:41:03,294 Very honest. 873 00:41:03,794 --> 00:41:04,879 Very honest, man. 874 00:41:05,421 --> 00:41:06,630 My wife told me the other day, 875 00:41:06,714 --> 00:41:09,216 "Honey, your sex is no longer what it used to be." 876 00:41:09,717 --> 00:41:11,051 To my fuckin' face! 877 00:41:12,470 --> 00:41:13,637 Ain't this a bitch? 878 00:41:14,430 --> 00:41:17,141 We're in my home, I got no problem being honest with y'all. 879 00:41:17,224 --> 00:41:18,559 To my fuckin' face. 880 00:41:19,977 --> 00:41:21,687 Told me my sex is falling off. 881 00:41:22,605 --> 00:41:24,106 Know what my response was? 882 00:41:24,690 --> 00:41:26,734 "Happens." That's what I said. 883 00:41:27,735 --> 00:41:28,569 "Happens." 884 00:41:29,320 --> 00:41:30,321 I don't give a shit. 885 00:41:31,155 --> 00:41:33,908 Fucking 41, I don't got time to be fuckin' all day. 886 00:41:33,991 --> 00:41:35,659 I'm tired. I'm tired. 887 00:41:36,577 --> 00:41:39,038 I don't believe that you can be successful and have good dick. 888 00:41:39,121 --> 00:41:40,623 I said it. That's how I feel. 889 00:41:41,916 --> 00:41:45,002 That's how I fuckin' feel. I'm not taking it back. I said it. 890 00:41:46,337 --> 00:41:49,423 I don't believe that you can be successful and have good dick. 891 00:41:50,508 --> 00:41:53,093 I told her, "Gotta pick one. You want this life or good dick?" 892 00:41:53,177 --> 00:41:55,221 "I'm not gonna do both. Not doing both." 893 00:41:55,763 --> 00:41:58,057 "I'm not giving you both. Pick one." 894 00:41:59,225 --> 00:42:01,685 When I had good dick, I was broke, I had nothing. 895 00:42:03,395 --> 00:42:06,565 I was out here fucking for transportation when I had good dick. 896 00:42:07,233 --> 00:42:08,400 Fuckin' for tokens. 897 00:42:09,443 --> 00:42:12,446 Sick of walking. I need to put down some good dick, 898 00:42:12,530 --> 00:42:14,657 get in somebody's car around here. 899 00:42:15,407 --> 00:42:18,744 It was cold in Philadelphia. You don't know my life. Stop judging me. 900 00:42:21,872 --> 00:42:24,708 But because you're married, you gotta fuckin' compromise. 901 00:42:25,334 --> 00:42:26,502 Gotta meet you halfway. 902 00:42:27,419 --> 00:42:30,214 I told her, "You feel like I need to do better sexually?" 903 00:42:30,297 --> 00:42:31,298 "Pick a date." 904 00:42:32,258 --> 00:42:33,342 "Pick a date." 905 00:42:33,425 --> 00:42:36,845 On that date, I'm required to give out some good dick. 906 00:42:38,222 --> 00:42:43,852 You pick a date, on that date, I'm required to give out some good dick. 907 00:42:44,562 --> 00:42:46,647 She picked the eighth of every month. 908 00:42:47,523 --> 00:42:48,357 "All right. 909 00:42:49,692 --> 00:42:51,485 "You better buckle the fuck up." 910 00:42:53,487 --> 00:42:57,491 "I'm 'bout to drop some dick on your ass like you never had." 911 00:42:58,909 --> 00:43:01,954 "To thump your ass right now. That's exactly what I'mma do." 912 00:43:03,247 --> 00:43:05,374 It's all fun and games until the week of. 913 00:43:06,166 --> 00:43:07,835 You get nervous as shit, man. [chuckles] 914 00:43:09,545 --> 00:43:11,297 My friends saw it on my face, "You good?" 915 00:43:11,380 --> 00:43:13,841 "No, I ain't good. I gotta fuck in five days, man." 916 00:43:14,925 --> 00:43:16,093 Gotta fuck her on the eighth. 917 00:43:16,176 --> 00:43:19,346 I was out here drinking pineapple juice, eating celery. I don't… 918 00:43:19,430 --> 00:43:21,849 I don't know what the fuck is happening to me. 919 00:43:21,932 --> 00:43:24,810 Sweatin'. "Damn, man, I gotta fuck in three days!" 920 00:43:24,893 --> 00:43:25,894 Countdown. 921 00:43:25,978 --> 00:43:28,647 Felt like I had the NBA Finals coming up or some shit, huh? 922 00:43:29,356 --> 00:43:31,775 Icing my legs, I didn't know what was happening. 923 00:43:32,735 --> 00:43:34,612 The eighth came up, I did a good job. 924 00:43:35,362 --> 00:43:37,114 -Gave out a batch of some good dick. -[scattered applause] 925 00:43:37,197 --> 00:43:39,158 Thank you for the applause, I appreciate it. 926 00:43:39,992 --> 00:43:42,828 Very sad that you felt like you had to clap there, but I'll take it. 927 00:43:43,370 --> 00:43:45,539 "Thank God, Kevin. Jesus!" 928 00:43:47,082 --> 00:43:48,876 My honesty backfired over there. 929 00:43:48,959 --> 00:43:50,711 Ooh! Oh. 930 00:43:51,754 --> 00:43:53,756 Gave out some good dick on the eighth. 931 00:43:54,715 --> 00:43:59,511 In true woman fashion, on the ninth, she tried to get some more. 932 00:44:00,220 --> 00:44:03,015 It's not our agreement. That's not the deal we made. 933 00:44:03,682 --> 00:44:04,975 I said one date. 934 00:44:05,684 --> 00:44:07,686 Every other day could be trashy dick or not. 935 00:44:07,770 --> 00:44:10,439 You don't fuckin' expect the same thing again. 936 00:44:11,148 --> 00:44:15,152 After my fuckin' bedtime, she come in 8:30 p.m., drunk as shit. 937 00:44:15,778 --> 00:44:16,820 It's late. 938 00:44:16,904 --> 00:44:18,238 [all laugh] 939 00:44:18,322 --> 00:44:20,324 Trying to wake me up, "Get up." 940 00:44:20,991 --> 00:44:22,326 "Trying to get some dick." 941 00:44:23,452 --> 00:44:25,371 "Trying to get more of that eighth dick." 942 00:44:25,454 --> 00:44:26,580 That's what she said. 943 00:44:28,040 --> 00:44:29,083 [all laugh] 944 00:44:29,833 --> 00:44:33,587 "I want some more of that eighth dick. Let me get some of that eighth dick." 945 00:44:34,088 --> 00:44:36,674 I snap, "Get the fuck off me, get your hands off of me." 946 00:44:37,257 --> 00:44:39,843 "Coming here this late at night waking me up." 947 00:44:39,927 --> 00:44:41,136 "Waking the dog up." 948 00:44:41,845 --> 00:44:45,057 Older you get, you care more about the animals than anything else. 949 00:44:45,557 --> 00:44:48,018 "The dog ain't had a good night's sleep in the last two weeks, 950 00:44:48,102 --> 00:44:49,728 you come in here all loud?" 951 00:44:50,312 --> 00:44:52,564 "Pissed off, I'm very pissed off right now." 952 00:44:52,648 --> 00:44:54,400 Me and the dog went downstairs, slept. 953 00:44:54,900 --> 00:44:56,819 Slept in the guest fucking room. "I'm not gonna stay with you 954 00:44:56,902 --> 00:44:57,945 and your selfishness 955 00:44:58,904 --> 00:45:01,031 'cause you want some more of that eighth dick." 956 00:45:01,115 --> 00:45:03,409 "You just lost a month is what you just did." 957 00:45:04,618 --> 00:45:07,454 Took the next eighth off the contract is what I did. 958 00:45:09,790 --> 00:45:13,794 You know, honestly, what makes me laugh? Hearing other people talk about sex. 959 00:45:13,877 --> 00:45:14,962 That's enough for me. 960 00:45:15,754 --> 00:45:18,549 Hearing other people talk about sex is the funniest shit in the world. 961 00:45:19,591 --> 00:45:22,302 Funniest people to listen to talk about sex is my nephews. 962 00:45:22,386 --> 00:45:24,304 My nephews are 21, 22 years old. 963 00:45:24,388 --> 00:45:27,558 It's the funniest shit that you'll ever hear, man. 964 00:45:28,434 --> 00:45:31,562 Funniest shit you'll ever hear, but they don't offer the information, 965 00:45:31,645 --> 00:45:33,063 you gotta bait it out of them. 966 00:45:33,814 --> 00:45:36,358 You gotta set a trap, see if they fall for it. 967 00:45:36,442 --> 00:45:38,152 I set the trap, they fall in every time. 968 00:45:38,235 --> 00:45:39,445 I just come in the room, hot. 969 00:45:40,028 --> 00:45:41,363 "Y'all ain't fuckin' yet." 970 00:45:42,406 --> 00:45:43,615 They take the bait every time. 971 00:45:43,699 --> 00:45:44,825 "Who ain't fuckin'?" 972 00:45:47,286 --> 00:45:48,996 Every time. "Who ain't fuckin'?" 973 00:45:49,621 --> 00:45:52,875 "I know you ain't sayin' me. I know you ain't sayin' I ain't fuckin'." 974 00:45:53,417 --> 00:45:54,418 "I'm fuckin'!" 975 00:45:55,210 --> 00:45:56,837 "I know you ain't sayin' me." 976 00:45:57,546 --> 00:45:58,714 "Go ahead, Unc." 977 00:45:58,797 --> 00:46:00,174 "You ain't fuckin', bitch." 978 00:46:00,924 --> 00:46:02,759 "I know your young ass ain't fuckin'." 979 00:46:03,385 --> 00:46:04,219 "I'm fuckin', Unc." 980 00:46:04,303 --> 00:46:06,972 "Tell me what you doing." "No, I ain't telling you." 981 00:46:07,055 --> 00:46:09,933 "'Cause if I tell you, you'll put it in your comedy show." 982 00:46:10,017 --> 00:46:11,560 "I ain't talking about you, shut up." 983 00:46:12,436 --> 00:46:14,271 "What would I put you in my comedy show for?" 984 00:46:14,354 --> 00:46:15,856 "I got jokes, I don't need you." 985 00:46:16,482 --> 00:46:19,318 "What you doing? Give me the nastiest thing that you've done." 986 00:46:19,401 --> 00:46:21,361 "No judging?" "No judging." 987 00:46:21,445 --> 00:46:23,197 "Fuck I'mma judge you for?" 988 00:46:24,072 --> 00:46:24,907 "All right." 989 00:46:26,033 --> 00:46:27,451 "Nastiest thing I've done…" 990 00:46:28,744 --> 00:46:30,579 "Went to the movies with this girl." 991 00:46:31,455 --> 00:46:35,167 "We go to the movies, she tell me to get a large bucket of popcorn." 992 00:46:35,250 --> 00:46:38,879 "I get the bucket of popcorn, I sit down, she cut a hole in the bottom, 993 00:46:38,962 --> 00:46:42,049 told me put my dick through the hole, gave me a butter beat-off." 994 00:46:42,132 --> 00:46:44,885 I said, "What the fuck?" 995 00:46:45,427 --> 00:46:48,180 Listen, I caught myself, I had to act like I knew what it was. 996 00:46:48,263 --> 00:46:51,767 Ha-ha! Ah. 997 00:46:52,935 --> 00:46:54,686 "A butter beat-off." 998 00:46:56,104 --> 00:46:57,523 "I know that's right." 999 00:46:58,482 --> 00:47:00,192 "A butter beat-off." 1000 00:47:03,028 --> 00:47:05,447 You know you older 'cause you ask the wrong questions. 1001 00:47:05,989 --> 00:47:08,367 "Fuck y'all get a large for? Why you waste all that popcorn?" 1002 00:47:08,450 --> 00:47:10,035 "You should've just got the small." 1003 00:47:10,118 --> 00:47:12,913 "It's a $12, $14 difference, ain't it? Why you get that?" 1004 00:47:14,331 --> 00:47:15,791 "The butter don't get in your hole?" 1005 00:47:15,874 --> 00:47:17,876 "That sound like an infection waiting to happen." 1006 00:47:18,502 --> 00:47:20,879 "It's how you catch the VID. You gonna get the VID." 1007 00:47:21,755 --> 00:47:25,592 "Get the 'VID-19 doing that shit, putting the butter in your hole." 1008 00:47:25,676 --> 00:47:27,678 "You don't want the butter in your hole." 1009 00:47:29,429 --> 00:47:31,306 I ran home and told my wife. 1010 00:47:31,390 --> 00:47:32,808 "Ain't gonna believe this shit." 1011 00:47:33,725 --> 00:47:37,729 "Terrence told me these kids out here giving each other butter beat-offs." 1012 00:47:38,647 --> 00:47:40,023 She said, "They still doing that?" 1013 00:47:40,107 --> 00:47:43,193 I said, "What the fuck is happening here?" 1014 00:47:43,902 --> 00:47:44,778 "Who are you?" 1015 00:47:46,196 --> 00:47:49,032 I don't even wanna know no more. You just stop right there. 1016 00:47:49,783 --> 00:47:52,286 My kids better not be doing it, I know that much. 1017 00:47:52,369 --> 00:47:55,289 If I find out my kids are doing it, I'll have a goddamn fit. 1018 00:47:56,123 --> 00:47:58,709 You can't just ask your kids, though. You gotta, once again… 1019 00:47:58,792 --> 00:48:00,836 You gotta set the trap, see if they step in it. 1020 00:48:00,919 --> 00:48:04,548 We at dinner, eating a good dinner at the house, nice dinner. 1021 00:48:05,299 --> 00:48:08,427 I throw the question out to my wife, "We should go to the movies." 1022 00:48:08,510 --> 00:48:10,178 "Maybe you can give a butter beat-off." 1023 00:48:10,262 --> 00:48:13,223 I look right at my fuckin' daughter. Right at my daughter. 1024 00:48:14,016 --> 00:48:15,601 Staring at her ass. 1025 00:48:16,685 --> 00:48:19,730 She didn't budge. She was cool as a fan, eating her food and shit. 1026 00:48:19,813 --> 00:48:22,232 I've never been more proud as a father. Thank you, God. 1027 00:48:22,899 --> 00:48:25,027 Thank you, God, she don't even know what it is. 1028 00:48:25,110 --> 00:48:26,194 Thank you, God. 1029 00:48:26,737 --> 00:48:29,489 Turn this way, my son was like, "Oh, yeah." 1030 00:48:30,073 --> 00:48:30,907 [crowd laughing] 1031 00:48:31,825 --> 00:48:33,744 He said, "Yeah!" [chuckles] 1032 00:48:34,369 --> 00:48:36,204 "You better get the large, Dad." 1033 00:48:37,456 --> 00:48:40,042 "You don't want that butter in the hole, you'll catch the 'VID!" 1034 00:48:40,834 --> 00:48:42,669 "Again. You don't want it twice." 1035 00:48:43,754 --> 00:48:45,088 [chuckles] 1036 00:48:45,922 --> 00:48:48,842 "You don't want back-to-back cases of the 'VID, Dad." 1037 00:48:51,511 --> 00:48:54,222 My wife actually beat me up, made me take her on a date. 1038 00:48:54,806 --> 00:48:55,932 Took her to a dinner party. 1039 00:48:56,558 --> 00:48:59,895 I'm not name-dropping, but this joke doesn't make sense unless I… 1040 00:48:59,978 --> 00:49:00,854 drop the name. 1041 00:49:01,521 --> 00:49:03,774 I went to Seinfeld's house for a dinner party. 1042 00:49:04,274 --> 00:49:05,984 Some of the best food I've ever had. 1043 00:49:06,068 --> 00:49:07,778 Food was fuckin' amazing, man. 1044 00:49:07,861 --> 00:49:10,405 At the end of the dinner party, Seinfeld came walking out. 1045 00:49:10,489 --> 00:49:12,574 He was like, [imitates Seinfeld] "Nobody go anywhere." 1046 00:49:13,992 --> 00:49:16,203 "You guys are in for a treat. Tonight… 1047 00:49:16,912 --> 00:49:19,665 we're gonna have some brick-oven pizza." 1048 00:49:20,165 --> 00:49:21,416 [in normal voice] Everybody went crazy. 1049 00:49:21,500 --> 00:49:24,169 "What? Oh, my God! Brick-oven pizza?" 1050 00:49:25,545 --> 00:49:26,630 "What?" 1051 00:49:29,049 --> 00:49:31,760 One lady was like, "How many cheeses, Jerry?" 1052 00:49:33,637 --> 00:49:37,974 Jerry's like, "Seven different cheeses." "Seven different cheeses." 1053 00:49:39,434 --> 00:49:40,519 People went crazy. 1054 00:49:41,019 --> 00:49:44,481 By the way, all these people were white. These are all fuckin' white people. 1055 00:49:44,564 --> 00:49:47,734 They start chanting, "BOP!" 1056 00:49:48,568 --> 00:49:49,736 The fuck is "BOP," man? 1057 00:49:50,570 --> 00:49:51,905 [chanting] "BOP!" 1058 00:49:51,988 --> 00:49:53,699 What the fuck is "BOP"? 1059 00:49:54,282 --> 00:49:55,617 White woman leans over the table, 1060 00:49:55,701 --> 00:49:57,953 she was like, "It's short for brick-oven pizza." 1061 00:49:58,036 --> 00:49:59,621 I was like, "Oh, shit." 1062 00:50:00,330 --> 00:50:01,581 "Oh, shit." 1063 00:50:02,958 --> 00:50:04,292 "Oh, okay, I get it." 1064 00:50:05,210 --> 00:50:09,715 Seinfeld has some Italian men walk out. They had pizza-like garb on. 1065 00:50:09,798 --> 00:50:12,426 They start passing out the pizza saying Italian shit… 1066 00:50:12,509 --> 00:50:14,302 [imitating Italian accent] 1067 00:50:15,220 --> 00:50:16,138 I don't know Italian. 1068 00:50:16,221 --> 00:50:17,514 [imitating Italian accent] 1069 00:50:18,390 --> 00:50:20,767 It just dawned on me, as I told that joke, 1070 00:50:20,851 --> 00:50:23,145 what I'm doing is racist right now. I apologize. 1071 00:50:23,937 --> 00:50:25,772 [imitating Italian accent] 1072 00:50:28,150 --> 00:50:30,026 People were eating the pizza, going crazy. 1073 00:50:30,110 --> 00:50:32,612 "Oh, my God. I taste the cheeses, Jerry." 1074 00:50:33,905 --> 00:50:35,532 "I taste the cheeses." 1075 00:50:36,575 --> 00:50:38,326 They brought me my pizza. I took a bite. 1076 00:50:38,410 --> 00:50:39,745 I couldn't fucking believe it. 1077 00:50:40,704 --> 00:50:42,789 Best pizza I've ever had in my life. 1078 00:50:42,873 --> 00:50:44,541 Best fucking pizza I've ever had. 1079 00:50:44,624 --> 00:50:47,461 It had some type of lettuce on it. I've never tasted this shit. 1080 00:50:47,544 --> 00:50:49,880 Told my wife, "It's got some type of lettuce on it." 1081 00:50:49,963 --> 00:50:51,006 "Wait till you taste it." 1082 00:50:51,089 --> 00:50:54,634 This white woman leaned over again, she was like, "It's arugula." 1083 00:50:54,718 --> 00:50:56,136 "What?" 1084 00:50:56,219 --> 00:50:57,512 "It's arugula." 1085 00:50:57,596 --> 00:50:58,764 "Oh, shit." 1086 00:50:59,681 --> 00:51:02,434 I took another bite. I got caught up. "BOP, BOP, BOP." 1087 00:51:03,643 --> 00:51:05,270 "BOP, BOP…" [chuckles] 1088 00:51:06,688 --> 00:51:08,190 What an amazing night. 1089 00:51:08,815 --> 00:51:11,359 Fucking amazing night, from start to finish, man. 1090 00:51:12,068 --> 00:51:13,695 In the car, I was pissed. 1091 00:51:14,905 --> 00:51:16,198 I was pissed, you know why? 1092 00:51:16,281 --> 00:51:18,200 Because I wanted what Seinfeld had. 1093 00:51:18,700 --> 00:51:21,077 I wanted that fucking moment, man. 1094 00:51:21,161 --> 00:51:24,331 Seinfeld was known as the brick-oven-pizza guy. 1095 00:51:24,831 --> 00:51:27,459 He was known for something else outside of his fame. 1096 00:51:27,542 --> 00:51:28,794 I wanted that. 1097 00:51:29,711 --> 00:51:31,004 What really pissed me off 1098 00:51:31,087 --> 00:51:33,965 was that the same people who built Seinfeld's house built my house. 1099 00:51:34,049 --> 00:51:37,010 Not once was I offered the option of getting a brick pizza oven 1100 00:51:37,093 --> 00:51:38,762 at my goddamn house. 1101 00:51:38,845 --> 00:51:40,806 This was racism at the highest level. 1102 00:51:42,432 --> 00:51:43,767 It's fucking racist. 1103 00:51:44,267 --> 00:51:46,353 The next morning comes, I call the contractors. 1104 00:51:46,436 --> 00:51:49,231 I come in hot, "You racist fucks!" 1105 00:51:51,107 --> 00:51:54,361 "For you guys to offer Seinfeld the option of getting a brick pizza oven 1106 00:51:54,444 --> 00:51:57,823 and not even bringing it up to me shows just how racist you are." 1107 00:51:57,906 --> 00:52:00,700 "You better make it right or it's gonna get worse for you." 1108 00:52:00,784 --> 00:52:02,035 I hang up the phone. Pow! 1109 00:52:02,661 --> 00:52:04,788 They call back, "What are you talking about?" 1110 00:52:04,871 --> 00:52:07,123 "You know what I'm talking about. Black lives matter." 1111 00:52:07,207 --> 00:52:08,625 Hung up again. Pow. 1112 00:52:11,962 --> 00:52:13,338 Within a day, they're at my house. 1113 00:52:13,421 --> 00:52:15,841 Had a blueprint of what my pizza oven can look like. 1114 00:52:15,924 --> 00:52:17,384 Within a week, 1115 00:52:17,467 --> 00:52:19,886 I had a brick pizza oven in the back of my house. 1116 00:52:19,970 --> 00:52:22,055 Once again, I wanted what Seinfeld had. 1117 00:52:22,639 --> 00:52:24,182 I invited all my friends over. 1118 00:52:24,766 --> 00:52:27,143 I'm gonna have a dinner party, just like Seinfeld did. 1119 00:52:27,227 --> 00:52:28,603 All my friends finish eating. 1120 00:52:28,687 --> 00:52:32,232 I come out at the end of dinner the same way Seinfeld did. 1121 00:52:33,733 --> 00:52:35,485 "All right." 1122 00:52:41,700 --> 00:52:43,535 "Nobody go anywhere 1123 00:52:44,786 --> 00:52:47,956 because you guys are in for a treat tonight." 1124 00:52:48,039 --> 00:52:50,792 "We're gonna have some brick-oven pizza tonight." 1125 00:52:50,876 --> 00:52:53,461 You hear murmurs around the room. 1126 00:52:53,545 --> 00:52:56,798 "Fuck is he talking about? I ain't eating no pizza off no brick." 1127 00:52:56,882 --> 00:52:59,926 Everybody at my party is Black. These are all Black people. 1128 00:53:00,010 --> 00:53:02,470 "You better order Domino's. I'm not eating that shit." 1129 00:53:03,638 --> 00:53:04,848 [Kevin chuckles] 1130 00:53:04,931 --> 00:53:07,142 I said, "Now, I know what you're thinking." 1131 00:53:08,768 --> 00:53:10,520 "How many cheeses?" 1132 00:53:12,480 --> 00:53:14,858 "Seven different cheeses." 1133 00:53:16,443 --> 00:53:20,155 More murmurs. "I'm lactose intolerant. I'm not eating all that fucking cheese." 1134 00:53:20,906 --> 00:53:23,241 "Everyone knows you only put that much cheese on macaroni." 1135 00:53:23,325 --> 00:53:25,493 "I'm not gonna eat that. What's his problem?" 1136 00:53:25,994 --> 00:53:27,954 I said, "Everybody get up. Let's go outside 1137 00:53:28,038 --> 00:53:29,915 'cause that's where the brick-oven pizza is." 1138 00:53:29,998 --> 00:53:33,501 More murmurs. "It's cold as shit outside. I'm not going outside." 1139 00:53:33,585 --> 00:53:35,629 Black people got a response for every fucking thing. 1140 00:53:35,712 --> 00:53:38,006 "I'm not gonna do that. I'm not going outside." 1141 00:53:38,840 --> 00:53:40,884 I said, "Come on, everybody, say it with me, 1142 00:53:40,967 --> 00:53:43,887 [chanting] 'BOP, BOP, BOP.'" 1143 00:53:45,305 --> 00:53:46,848 My friend Jamal stood up in the back, 1144 00:53:46,932 --> 00:53:50,644 "Oh, if you got some BOP outside, I'm going." 1145 00:53:51,478 --> 00:53:53,188 Na'im said, "What the fuck is BOP?" 1146 00:53:53,271 --> 00:53:56,441 He said, "Man, he got some big old pussy out there. I'm goin'." 1147 00:53:56,524 --> 00:53:59,402 I said, "No, Jamal, ain't no big old pussy out there." 1148 00:53:59,486 --> 00:54:01,404 "Yes, it is. That's what BOP is." 1149 00:54:01,488 --> 00:54:03,281 "No, it's not." "Yes, it is. I was with you." 1150 00:54:03,365 --> 00:54:05,241 "We was in Atlanta, that big bitch said, 1151 00:54:05,325 --> 00:54:06,910 'Wanna see my BOP?'" "What's that?" 1152 00:54:06,993 --> 00:54:09,162 "And she was like, 'Big old pussy.'" 1153 00:54:09,245 --> 00:54:10,956 "And me and you start tipping her." 1154 00:54:12,040 --> 00:54:14,542 "I ain't got no ones but I want to see it again." 1155 00:54:15,585 --> 00:54:17,253 Everybody left. 1156 00:54:18,296 --> 00:54:19,673 I never got my moment. 1157 00:54:20,256 --> 00:54:22,425 I did not get my moment. 1158 00:54:23,259 --> 00:54:24,761 Keep in mind, I wanted that. 1159 00:54:24,844 --> 00:54:28,098 I wanna be known for something outside my fucking fame, man. 1160 00:54:28,181 --> 00:54:29,683 I wanted be known as Kevin Hart, 1161 00:54:29,766 --> 00:54:32,102 the brick-oven-pizza guy, and the moment was gone. 1162 00:54:32,936 --> 00:54:34,354 I had to find a new hobby. 1163 00:54:35,230 --> 00:54:37,399 Searched hard for a new hobby, too. 1164 00:54:37,482 --> 00:54:39,275 I was road biking for a minute. 1165 00:54:39,943 --> 00:54:41,403 Getting miles in on the bike. 1166 00:54:41,945 --> 00:54:44,823 I stopped, though. The reason why I stopped, 1167 00:54:44,906 --> 00:54:47,659 I didn't like the way my dick looked in the outfit. True story. 1168 00:54:47,742 --> 00:54:49,828 Looked like I had a clit, I didn't like it. 1169 00:54:50,662 --> 00:54:53,206 'Tween that and the long balls, it was a bad combination. 1170 00:54:53,289 --> 00:54:54,708 Shit just didn't look right. 1171 00:54:55,208 --> 00:54:57,544 When you stop at a light, you gotta click out. 1172 00:54:58,294 --> 00:54:59,504 [chuckles] 1173 00:55:00,088 --> 00:55:02,257 You gotta snap out, like, "Hey, what's up?" 1174 00:55:03,091 --> 00:55:04,259 Cars were slowing down. 1175 00:55:04,342 --> 00:55:07,345 "Fuck you slowing down for, man? Get out here! Stop looking." 1176 00:55:07,429 --> 00:55:09,055 This lady slowed down. It was 7 a.m. 1177 00:55:09,139 --> 00:55:11,391 I said, "You get outta here. I know what you want." 1178 00:55:11,474 --> 00:55:13,893 "Daywalker. Get your ass out of here." 1179 00:55:14,519 --> 00:55:17,897 "Ain't no dicks out here for you, lady. Get out of here, daywalker." 1180 00:55:18,982 --> 00:55:20,066 "Get out of here." 1181 00:55:20,692 --> 00:55:22,318 I started boxing. 1182 00:55:22,402 --> 00:55:24,279 Boxing became a hobby. 1183 00:55:24,362 --> 00:55:25,864 I started boxing because I felt like 1184 00:55:25,947 --> 00:55:28,867 it was something I could get better at every day. 1185 00:55:28,950 --> 00:55:30,618 Every day, I can get good. 1186 00:55:30,702 --> 00:55:32,203 It's me against me. 1187 00:55:32,287 --> 00:55:33,538 Went and found a trainer. 1188 00:55:33,621 --> 00:55:36,916 The guy had amazing talent underneath his belt. 1189 00:55:37,000 --> 00:55:38,626 Golden Glove fighters, 1190 00:55:38,710 --> 00:55:42,047 Junior Olympics… I mean, there's so much, lightweight champions. 1191 00:55:42,130 --> 00:55:45,967 I said, "I know you're not working now, but I'll pay you good money to train me." 1192 00:55:46,051 --> 00:55:48,928 He said, "If you take me on, I'll make you the best fighter ever." 1193 00:55:49,012 --> 00:55:50,430 I said, "That's too much." 1194 00:55:51,222 --> 00:55:53,683 "I don't want that. I just want to get good." 1195 00:55:53,767 --> 00:55:56,061 He said, "Done." He became my trainer. 1196 00:55:56,144 --> 00:55:58,605 Gotta be honest with you. He was fucking good. 1197 00:55:58,688 --> 00:55:59,856 Made me good. 1198 00:56:00,356 --> 00:56:02,650 Told me shit I thought I would never hear. 1199 00:56:02,734 --> 00:56:05,862 Compared me to boxers I've never heard of, but it still was a compliment. 1200 00:56:06,654 --> 00:56:10,533 Told me I reminded him of a fighter named Lefty Lou Earl. 1201 00:56:10,617 --> 00:56:13,953 He's like, "Kevin, do you know who that is?" I said, "No, I do not." 1202 00:56:14,037 --> 00:56:15,872 He said, "I'mma bring you a tape." 1203 00:56:15,955 --> 00:56:17,207 "You got a VCR?" 1204 00:56:17,290 --> 00:56:18,917 "No, I do not." 1205 00:56:19,667 --> 00:56:22,003 Then he made me laugh when I told him I didn't have one. 1206 00:56:22,087 --> 00:56:23,129 He was like… [grunts] 1207 00:56:24,881 --> 00:56:27,050 Like I was in the wrong year. 1208 00:56:27,133 --> 00:56:29,177 "Can't believe you don't have a VCR. Goddamn." 1209 00:56:30,011 --> 00:56:31,846 "Why do you still have a VCR, sir?" 1210 00:56:32,555 --> 00:56:34,557 Told me I have one of the best jabs he's ever seen. 1211 00:56:34,641 --> 00:56:37,977 He said, "Your jab reminds me of lightning coming from your shoulders." 1212 00:56:38,061 --> 00:56:41,356 "Lightning coming from your fucking shoulders." 1213 00:56:42,065 --> 00:56:44,192 He said, "You thought about fighting?" I said, "No." 1214 00:56:44,275 --> 00:56:47,028 "What about sparring?" I said, "No, but I would." 1215 00:56:47,112 --> 00:56:49,989 "That's all I need to hear. Tomorrow. 6 a.m. I'll set you up." 1216 00:56:50,073 --> 00:56:52,867 "You need to see how good you are." 1217 00:56:53,451 --> 00:56:55,537 6 a.m., I come to the gym. 1218 00:56:55,620 --> 00:56:57,413 He got a guy there, my height, my build. 1219 00:56:57,497 --> 00:57:01,376 Got my head gear, my codpiece, my mouthpiece. 1220 00:57:01,459 --> 00:57:05,380 Puts it all on me. Starts putting Vaseline all on my face and my headgear. 1221 00:57:05,463 --> 00:57:08,633 I said, "What's this for?" He said, "So the punches slide off." 1222 00:57:09,759 --> 00:57:11,970 [crowd laughs] 1223 00:57:12,846 --> 00:57:14,347 "Well, we never talked… Okay." 1224 00:57:14,430 --> 00:57:16,766 "We didn't discuss that, but all right." 1225 00:57:16,850 --> 00:57:19,978 "Okay. If that's what it's gonna do, then that's what it's gonna do." 1226 00:57:20,061 --> 00:57:22,063 He's done putting Vaseline on. Walks out the ring. 1227 00:57:22,147 --> 00:57:23,857 I said, "Wait, you didn't do him yet." 1228 00:57:23,940 --> 00:57:25,775 He said, "He's okay. He don't need it." 1229 00:57:27,193 --> 00:57:29,070 "Huh. All right." 1230 00:57:30,113 --> 00:57:32,532 That's weird. Okay, whatever. 1231 00:57:32,615 --> 00:57:34,242 I'm gonna go with the flow. 1232 00:57:34,325 --> 00:57:36,786 He said, "We're gonna do three three-minute rounds." 1233 00:57:36,870 --> 00:57:38,413 "Nobody's here to hurt anybody." 1234 00:57:38,496 --> 00:57:40,415 "Have a good time. Keep it loose." 1235 00:57:40,498 --> 00:57:42,542 He yells out, "Take it easy on him." 1236 00:57:42,625 --> 00:57:45,962 I assume he's talking to me. Gotta be talking to me. 1237 00:57:46,546 --> 00:57:48,214 I yelled back, "Gotcha, coach." 1238 00:57:48,965 --> 00:57:51,009 Put a confident laugh behind it. "Ha, ha!" 1239 00:57:53,094 --> 00:57:55,054 We get to our corners. The bell rings. Ding. 1240 00:57:55,138 --> 00:57:57,348 I come out. I want him to see that I could fight. 1241 00:57:57,432 --> 00:57:59,809 You could tell I can fight by the way I hold my shoulders. 1242 00:57:59,893 --> 00:58:01,227 Look how I'm moving. Hmm? 1243 00:58:01,311 --> 00:58:02,770 My feet are spaced apart. 1244 00:58:02,854 --> 00:58:05,356 Look at my foot move. Look how I'm moving, bitch. 1245 00:58:05,440 --> 00:58:07,192 This ain't gonna be no cakewalk. Mmm-hmm. 1246 00:58:07,275 --> 00:58:10,737 Yeah, you see it. He flatfooted. 1247 00:58:10,820 --> 00:58:11,863 Oh! 1248 00:58:11,946 --> 00:58:15,450 He's not even on the balls of his foot. I'm gonna whoop his ass. 1249 00:58:15,992 --> 00:58:18,870 I'm getting more confidence as I move around. 1250 00:58:18,953 --> 00:58:22,415 My coach says, "Kevin, stop playing. Let your hands go." 1251 00:58:23,208 --> 00:58:24,626 All right. 1252 00:58:24,709 --> 00:58:27,337 "Ask and you shall receive." 1253 00:58:28,379 --> 00:58:30,590 I hope he got the Weather Channel, 1254 00:58:30,673 --> 00:58:32,800 'cause this is about to be some lightning. 1255 00:58:33,384 --> 00:58:35,470 When you throw a jab, you take a step. 1256 00:58:35,553 --> 00:58:37,514 Take a step, let the jab go at the same time. 1257 00:58:37,597 --> 00:58:40,558 Turn it over. Every time. [mimics punch] 1258 00:58:40,642 --> 00:58:41,726 That's how you throw it. 1259 00:58:41,809 --> 00:58:44,187 I take my step. I'm about to turn it over. I'm right here. 1260 00:58:44,270 --> 00:58:46,481 Here it is. About to turn that bitch over. 1261 00:58:46,564 --> 00:58:48,399 You better brace yourself. Here it come. 1262 00:58:48,483 --> 00:58:51,945 Ooh. It's coming. Right here. I'm right here, 1263 00:58:52,028 --> 00:58:54,239 but I'm about to get here. Here I am, 1264 00:58:54,322 --> 00:58:56,950 but I'm about to get right there. You better brace yourself. 1265 00:58:57,033 --> 00:58:59,452 I'm right here. Before I did that… 1266 00:58:59,536 --> 00:59:00,828 [knocking] 1267 00:59:02,080 --> 00:59:03,206 he hit me. 1268 00:59:03,289 --> 00:59:05,875 I immediately lost my vision. 1269 00:59:05,959 --> 00:59:09,295 Immediately. I went blind immediately. 1270 00:59:09,379 --> 00:59:11,464 Couldn't see shit. Everything was black. 1271 00:59:11,548 --> 00:59:14,425 Aah… 1272 00:59:14,509 --> 00:59:17,262 I read that you could get brain damage or die from a punch. 1273 00:59:17,345 --> 00:59:19,389 I just lost my fucking vision. 1274 00:59:19,472 --> 00:59:21,558 I don't have eyesight no more. 1275 00:59:21,641 --> 00:59:23,851 I can't see. I panicked. I turned around. 1276 00:59:23,935 --> 00:59:26,104 I've been known to do this move several times. 1277 00:59:26,187 --> 00:59:29,566 I start punching backwards. I've talked about it in my past specials. 1278 00:59:29,649 --> 00:59:33,152 I'm a backwards puncher. When I panic, I fucking start punching. 1279 00:59:33,236 --> 00:59:36,114 My trainer said, "Kevin, throw the jab, throw the jab!" 1280 00:59:36,197 --> 00:59:38,866 I said, "For what, liar?" 1281 00:59:39,701 --> 00:59:42,328 It ain't lightning unless he's a storm tracker, okay? 1282 00:59:42,412 --> 00:59:44,330 Because this is fucking ridiculous. 1283 00:59:44,414 --> 00:59:46,332 I'm blind. I can't see shit. 1284 00:59:46,916 --> 00:59:47,792 Aah! 1285 00:59:48,418 --> 00:59:49,794 I'm blind. 1286 00:59:50,420 --> 00:59:53,006 "Ring the bell. Ring the fucking bell." 1287 00:59:53,590 --> 00:59:54,924 The bell rings. 1288 00:59:55,008 --> 00:59:58,177 I can't get to the corner. I gotta follow his voice to the corner. 1289 00:59:58,261 --> 00:59:59,095 Aah! 1290 00:59:59,679 --> 01:00:02,640 As I get to the corner, my trainer, 1291 01:00:02,724 --> 01:00:05,935 he's like, "What's wrong?" I said, "I'm blind. I can't fucking see." 1292 01:00:06,644 --> 01:00:10,064 He just lift my head gear up… 1293 01:00:10,857 --> 01:00:14,193 Apparently, when he hit me, he knocked my head gear over my eyes. 1294 01:00:14,861 --> 01:00:18,156 It was black, so I was just looking at the back of it the whole time. 1295 01:00:19,282 --> 01:00:20,908 He's like, "Why didn't you lift it up?" 1296 01:00:20,992 --> 01:00:23,745 I said, "Because we never went over that in practice." 1297 01:00:24,454 --> 01:00:26,873 "I think you put too much Vaseline on me." 1298 01:00:26,956 --> 01:00:29,083 "That's why I was sliding all over the place." 1299 01:00:29,167 --> 01:00:32,253 "Sliding all over the fucking place. I don't wanna do this no more." 1300 01:00:32,337 --> 01:00:34,505 "You're just gonna quit?" "I don't call it that, 1301 01:00:34,589 --> 01:00:36,257 "I just wanna do something else." 1302 01:00:36,966 --> 01:00:38,217 "What you gonna tell him?" 1303 01:00:38,301 --> 01:00:41,387 I said, "I'm never talking to him again in my fucking life." 1304 01:00:41,471 --> 01:00:43,473 "My lawyer will talk to him. He's going to jail." 1305 01:00:43,556 --> 01:00:47,143 "I bet you that. He's going to fucking jail after this." 1306 01:00:47,226 --> 01:00:50,480 "What he did to me tonight was assault. That's what the fuck this was." 1307 01:00:50,563 --> 01:00:53,024 "Assault at the highest level." 1308 01:00:53,107 --> 01:00:56,027 I quit. Walked away from boxing that day. 1309 01:00:56,778 --> 01:00:58,613 Walked away. Never went back. 1310 01:00:58,696 --> 01:01:02,867 Later on, I decided to look up some tape on Lefty Lou Earl. 1311 01:01:02,950 --> 01:01:04,661 I went and found this guy. 1312 01:01:04,744 --> 01:01:06,621 I wanted to know who he was. 1313 01:01:06,704 --> 01:01:08,665 Who are you comparing me to? 1314 01:01:08,748 --> 01:01:11,000 After that display of boxing that I gave, 1315 01:01:11,084 --> 01:01:14,504 I wanted to see who the fuck was like me or who was I like? 1316 01:01:15,963 --> 01:01:18,216 Turns out Lefty Lou Earl had one arm. 1317 01:01:19,550 --> 01:01:21,177 He was a handicapped fighter. 1318 01:01:22,178 --> 01:01:24,263 He was one in thirty-eight. 1319 01:01:24,347 --> 01:01:26,182 His one win came from disqualification. 1320 01:01:26,265 --> 01:01:28,893 He got knocked out, they kicked him in the face. 1321 01:01:28,976 --> 01:01:30,520 That's why they gave him the "W." 1322 01:01:30,603 --> 01:01:32,689 He had a squeaky voice. 1323 01:01:33,439 --> 01:01:35,817 So my trainer was talking about my voice all this time. 1324 01:01:35,900 --> 01:01:37,985 It had nothing to do with my fighting style. 1325 01:01:38,069 --> 01:01:40,822 Just so happened to compare me to a handicapped fighter. 1326 01:01:41,447 --> 01:01:45,410 I know, I'm gonna get a lot of shit after this joke from fucking one-armed people. 1327 01:01:45,993 --> 01:01:48,579 I guess, they'll cancel me next, I don't know. 1328 01:01:49,414 --> 01:01:51,332 Good news is their rally won't last long 1329 01:01:51,416 --> 01:01:54,043 'cause they can't hold them signs for too long. [chuckles] 1330 01:01:55,044 --> 01:01:56,421 'Cause they only got one… [chuckles] 1331 01:01:57,588 --> 01:02:00,174 They're gonna get tired. They gotta put them arms down. 1332 01:02:00,758 --> 01:02:02,009 Unless they coordinate it right 1333 01:02:02,093 --> 01:02:04,595 with the equal amount of right hands and left hands, 1334 01:02:04,679 --> 01:02:07,306 they're not gonna get their message across to cancel me. 1335 01:02:07,390 --> 01:02:09,726 So… that's some good news. 1336 01:02:11,144 --> 01:02:12,770 Maybe I should take that one out. 1337 01:02:12,854 --> 01:02:15,898 Let's take that one out. I'm gonna get canceled for that one. 1338 01:02:15,982 --> 01:02:19,777 Fuck it. I'm in my house. I'm gonna say what the fuck I want. 1339 01:02:19,861 --> 01:02:21,195 -It's a joke. -[crowd applauding] 1340 01:02:21,779 --> 01:02:22,697 It's a joke. 1341 01:02:25,032 --> 01:02:28,745 I was so happy, man, after that spar, because that was the first sign 1342 01:02:28,828 --> 01:02:30,830 that I was back to myself of old. 1343 01:02:30,913 --> 01:02:33,249 I started sparring after my accident. 1344 01:02:33,332 --> 01:02:36,002 You guys don't know, a year ago, I got into a really bad car accident. 1345 01:02:36,085 --> 01:02:38,087 Almost fucking died, man. 1346 01:02:38,171 --> 01:02:40,214 Damn near paralyzed. A lot of bad shit happened. 1347 01:02:40,798 --> 01:02:43,468 I was in a hospital for a minute. Thought about a lot. 1348 01:02:43,551 --> 01:02:45,970 'Cause I thought about a lot, I can now ask you things 1349 01:02:46,053 --> 01:02:48,222 that I know you haven't thought about. 1350 01:02:48,306 --> 01:02:52,393 Question number one is, do you have an ass wiper in your life? 1351 01:02:52,477 --> 01:02:53,311 Think about it. 1352 01:02:54,353 --> 01:02:55,313 An ass wiper. 1353 01:02:55,980 --> 01:02:57,940 Somebody that will wipe your ass 1354 01:02:58,024 --> 01:03:00,943 if shit hit the fan for the rest of your life, if need be. 1355 01:03:02,028 --> 01:03:04,822 You don't think you need it until you fucking need it. 1356 01:03:05,615 --> 01:03:08,159 After surgery, I didn't go to the bathroom for eight days. 1357 01:03:08,242 --> 01:03:09,577 I was constipated. 1358 01:03:09,660 --> 01:03:12,038 They wouldn't let me leave until I went to the bathroom. 1359 01:03:12,121 --> 01:03:13,790 Had to make sure my organs were working. 1360 01:03:13,873 --> 01:03:17,084 I had somebody by my side every single day. 1361 01:03:17,168 --> 01:03:21,422 On day nine, there was a 20-minute gap when I was by myself. 1362 01:03:21,506 --> 01:03:23,382 During this gap, it felt like somebody threw 1363 01:03:23,466 --> 01:03:26,636 a stick of dynamite in my fucking stomach and that bitch exploded. 1364 01:03:26,719 --> 01:03:28,179 Boo! Uh-oh. 1365 01:03:28,763 --> 01:03:30,681 Uh-oh. I gotta go. 1366 01:03:30,765 --> 01:03:32,308 I gotta go to the fucking bathroom. 1367 01:03:32,391 --> 01:03:34,477 Can't move my legs. I can't move my arms. 1368 01:03:34,560 --> 01:03:36,145 There's nobody there. 1369 01:03:36,229 --> 01:03:38,314 I start pressing the help button. "Help!" 1370 01:03:38,940 --> 01:03:41,609 "Help! Help!" 1371 01:03:43,569 --> 01:03:45,196 "Help! Somebody gotta help!" 1372 01:03:45,279 --> 01:03:46,823 José came running in the room. 1373 01:03:46,906 --> 01:03:49,700 José was a 60-year-old Mexican nurse. 1374 01:03:49,784 --> 01:03:51,244 "What's up, my friend?" 1375 01:03:52,495 --> 01:03:53,663 [crowd laughing] 1376 01:03:55,414 --> 01:03:56,749 "José." 1377 01:03:56,833 --> 01:03:58,543 "I gotta go to the bathroom, man, now." 1378 01:03:58,626 --> 01:04:00,336 "I gotta go right now." 1379 01:04:00,419 --> 01:04:03,589 "Okay. I got you, man. I'll take care of you. I'll get you good." 1380 01:04:03,673 --> 01:04:05,800 José grabbed my legs, grabs my upper body, 1381 01:04:05,883 --> 01:04:08,928 picks me up, sits me on the toilet that was right next to the bed. 1382 01:04:09,011 --> 01:04:12,723 After he sits me on the toilet, José took two giant steps backwards, 1383 01:04:12,807 --> 01:04:15,560 [grunts] folded his arms, was looking me in the eye, 1384 01:04:15,643 --> 01:04:17,520 rocking back and forth like this. 1385 01:04:18,145 --> 01:04:19,438 "Oh, no." 1386 01:04:20,106 --> 01:04:21,607 "The fuck is happening, José?" 1387 01:04:22,316 --> 01:04:24,902 "I gotta go, man. Why you still here?" 1388 01:04:25,444 --> 01:04:29,740 Then it dawned on me, "Oh, my God, José's gotta wipe my ass." 1389 01:04:30,825 --> 01:04:33,202 "Oh, this is rock bottom. This is it." 1390 01:04:33,995 --> 01:04:38,624 "This is rock fucking bottom. I'm here. It can't get worse than this." 1391 01:04:38,708 --> 01:04:42,503 When I say that, José decides to say things that make me feel better. 1392 01:04:42,587 --> 01:04:45,131 "Don't worry, man. I'm gonna wipe you good, okay?" 1393 01:04:46,215 --> 01:04:48,467 "I'm gonna wipe you good, okay, man?" 1394 01:04:48,551 --> 01:04:52,430 "I got you. You're in good hands with me. I'mma wipe you good, okay, man?" 1395 01:04:53,639 --> 01:04:56,601 At this point, I'm fucking in disbelief. 1396 01:04:56,684 --> 01:04:58,728 I just can't believe what's happening. 1397 01:04:58,811 --> 01:05:00,938 I can't hold it. I just go. I start going. 1398 01:05:01,522 --> 01:05:04,859 José decides to cheer me on. "Good, good, good." 1399 01:05:05,610 --> 01:05:09,655 "You gotta get it out, man." 1400 01:05:10,323 --> 01:05:12,658 "Eight days' a long time for anybody, man." 1401 01:05:13,910 --> 01:05:17,038 I get done going, José grabs my right arm, rolls me over. 1402 01:05:18,122 --> 01:05:19,540 José starts wiping my ass. 1403 01:05:19,624 --> 01:05:22,877 At this point, a single tear rolls down my fucking cheek. 1404 01:05:24,337 --> 01:05:25,254 I'm crying. 1405 01:05:25,922 --> 01:05:29,967 The reason I'm crying is because my arms are numb, my legs are numb. 1406 01:05:30,051 --> 01:05:31,260 But I couldn't figure out 1407 01:05:31,344 --> 01:05:34,430 why God would leave feeling in the space of my ass. 1408 01:05:36,349 --> 01:05:37,725 Why not numb that up, too? 1409 01:05:37,808 --> 01:05:39,936 Why let me feel what the fuck is happening? 1410 01:05:40,728 --> 01:05:44,398 At the lowest point of my life, why feel José wiping my ass? 1411 01:05:45,900 --> 01:05:47,902 Crying uncontrollably at this point. 1412 01:05:49,654 --> 01:05:51,697 José decides to say something else. 1413 01:05:52,698 --> 01:05:54,951 "It's okay, man. This is crazy, man. I know." 1414 01:05:56,118 --> 01:05:57,828 "Imagine how I feel, man." 1415 01:05:59,413 --> 01:06:01,832 "I can't believe I'm wiping Kevin Hart's ass, man." 1416 01:06:01,916 --> 01:06:02,875 [crowd laughs and applauds] 1417 01:06:03,751 --> 01:06:05,044 "This is crazy." 1418 01:06:06,420 --> 01:06:08,798 -"It's my first famous ass, man." -[crowd cheering] 1419 01:06:10,591 --> 01:06:13,678 Guys, this has been such an amazing night of fucking comedy. 1420 01:06:13,761 --> 01:06:15,721 Dude, it's been such a great night. 1421 01:06:15,805 --> 01:06:16,722 [all cheering] 1422 01:06:18,224 --> 01:06:22,103 Such a great, intimate night. We shared so much. 1423 01:06:22,728 --> 01:06:26,774 I love it. It's such a different vibe. It's a comfortable vibe. It's a sexy vibe. 1424 01:06:26,857 --> 01:06:30,486 More importantly, it was a vibe that I got to be myself in, 1425 01:06:30,569 --> 01:06:33,948 but I don't want you guys to leave with just some laughter from jokes. 1426 01:06:34,031 --> 01:06:35,533 I feel like I can give you more. 1427 01:06:35,616 --> 01:06:38,327 I want you to know me for more, okay? 1428 01:06:38,411 --> 01:06:40,079 -'Cause I got more. I got more. -[crowd applauding] 1429 01:06:42,873 --> 01:06:44,542 With that being said, 1430 01:06:44,625 --> 01:06:46,585 I hope you guys are ready for some BOP. 1431 01:06:46,669 --> 01:06:50,089 Bring out the BOP. That's right. Brick-oven pizza for everybody. 1432 01:06:50,172 --> 01:06:54,135 BOP! Yes, that's right. I got some BOP for you. 1433 01:06:54,635 --> 01:06:55,970 -I see you. -[all applauding] 1434 01:06:56,053 --> 01:06:59,056 [all chanting] BOP! 1435 01:06:59,140 --> 01:07:03,394 Yes! Thank you guys so much. What an amazing night. 1436 01:07:03,477 --> 01:07:06,731 [chanting] BOP! BOP! 1437 01:07:06,814 --> 01:07:08,315 [gasps] 1438 01:07:09,525 --> 01:07:10,943 What's wrong with you, boy? 1439 01:07:11,610 --> 01:07:14,030 -I just had the the craziest dream. -Oh, my gosh. 1440 01:07:14,113 --> 01:07:15,865 -No, it was crazy. -It's okay. 1441 01:07:15,948 --> 01:07:18,576 No, it's not. I dreamt that I was on stage, 1442 01:07:18,659 --> 01:07:21,662 and I was doing stand up about stuff that I would never say. 1443 01:07:21,746 --> 01:07:24,707 I called my daughter a ho. I called my son dumb. 1444 01:07:24,790 --> 01:07:29,837 I said I don't like private school and the plant-based community was wilin'. 1445 01:07:29,920 --> 01:07:30,755 -[sputters] -All right. 1446 01:07:30,838 --> 01:07:34,300 I went through this whole phase where I said I was at Seinfeld's house. 1447 01:07:34,383 --> 01:07:37,219 I ain't never been to Seinfeld's house. I said, I said-- 1448 01:07:37,303 --> 01:07:38,804 Go back to sleep. 1449 01:07:38,888 --> 01:07:40,848 -You were just having a bad nightmare. -[groans] 1450 01:07:43,309 --> 01:07:45,186 -Just a nightmare, right? -Yeah. 1451 01:07:46,062 --> 01:07:48,230 It was just… It was just a nightmare. 1452 01:07:48,856 --> 01:07:50,566 Yes, go back to sleep, please. 1453 01:07:52,860 --> 01:07:53,861 You ever had BOP? 1454 01:07:55,237 --> 01:07:56,113 No? 1455 01:07:56,781 --> 01:07:58,324 [hip-hop music playing]