(DRAMATIC FLOURISH)
Cheehoo!
('TASKMASTER' THEME)
Oof!
(KEYBOARD CLACKS)
(CACKLES)
(BURPS)
Shame!
(BLUBBERS)
All right?
Whee!
(GROANS)
(GIGGLES)
(TYPEWRITER CLACKS)
(GASPS)
(SHRIEKS)
('TASKMASTER' THEME CONCLUDES)
- Say cheese. - (SIGHS) Cheese.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(TYPEWRITER CLACKS)
(DING!)
Kia ora koutou, and welcome to season four of Taskmaster New Zealand.
My name is Jeremy Wells,
and my face has featured throughout all promotional materials and set dressing for this show
to an almost humiliating degree,
and that is because I am the Taskmaster.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Over the next 10 episodes, we'll watch as five comedians from across the talent spectrum...
(LAUGHTER) ...go head to head to win a once-in-a-lifetime prize.
This solid gold statue of my head...
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
...valued at over $40 million...
Zimbabwean. (LAUGHTER)
In the running for this enticing prize is our beguiling season four cast ―
Bubbah! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Dai Henwood! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Karen O'Leary! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Mel Bracewell! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
And Ray O'Leary! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Over the last few months, these comedians have been completing a unique series of tasks
designed to test their wits, their courage,
and how unco they are.
As always, sitting by my side and waiting patiently for his next command is my loyal human pet,
Paul Williams! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Thanks, Jeremy.
Yeah, things have been going pretty well for me this year. I've got a ponytail.
- You've grown that? - Uh, well, I've got it. - (SNICKERS)
It is real.
I w― OK.
(LAUGHTER)
OK. Thank you.
I stillhavea ponytail; it's just not on.
OK, Paul. Tell us about our first task, would ya?
First up tonight, we have the prize task.
Everyone's brought in a prize,
and the winner with the most points at the end of tonight's episode will take home all fiveprizes.
Tonight, we've asked our contestants to bring in the greatest orange thing.
Bubbah, what did you bring in?
Ahem, so, the greatest thing that I've brought in is an orange.
(LAUGHTER)
But I think it's the greatest orange thing, because a billion years ago,
the world didn't have colour.
- (GUFFAWS) - Um, because of how light reflects on things,
it was too hot for things to have colour until 75,000 years ago ―
we were at the right temperature for colour.
And the orange,
just by being itself,
is orange.
(LAUGHTER)
Bubbah, are you telling the truth?
Yes.
It's true ― like, all the old photos are in black and white.
And you know on a summer's day when it gets so hot you can't see colour any more?
(LAUGHTER)
You know what, I thought at first that you'd just been incredibly lazy.
But actually, that description turns out you're really on to something.
(LAUGHS)
What did you bring in, Dai?
What I brought in was a beautiful orange thing I see every morning.
And it is my coffee machine.
- Aw. - KAREN: Oh, I'll have that.
It is a Moccamaster coffee machine made by the Germans.
They used it throughout the last century to get up and ready for various... things.
Some for good, some for bad.
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
I use it for― (CHUCKLES) for very non-war related...
(LAUGHTER)
...things,
mainly for having a coffee before I walk the kids to school,
and it is a beautiful orange, and it brings happiness to myself and my whanau.
- What did you bring in, Karen? - So, what I brought in was―
You know, we know New Zealand is well known for its abundance of oversized foodstuffs ―
L&P bottles, gumboots,
but there really is one that just stands out, I think, to everybody.
And correct me if I'm wrong, but I won't be, cos I'm right.
Um, yeah. So obviously, it's the Ohakune Carrot,
and obviously I did try to bring the actual carrot in.
I got in quite a lot of trouble with the police for trying to bring that,
but I did make this, and it is to scale. So, that one's small.
The other one's really big.
The best big thing we've got in New Zealand, other than you.
(LAUGHTER)
What's your greatest orange thing, Mel?
I went with something that's sort of a combination of ideas.
I thought― I was quite hungry at the time I was thinking of something.
I first― I thought of a cake, but then I went,
'Well, it's gotta be orange flavoured, but then I also have to suck up to the Taskmaster.'
So I've brought you this.
Isn't it so cute?
Who's the guy on the top?
(LAUGHTER)
I-I think it's John Campbell.
(LAUGHTER)
Ironically, it's almost you, but weirdly, not orange enough.
Like... (LAUGHS)
But that is meant to be you, Jeremy Wells,
on top of an orange-shaped cake that is orange flavoured, so people can eat you, I guess.
- Ray? - Yes.
- What orange thing did you bring in? - I'd just like to say I wouldn't have brought this in ifI'd known
it was gonna be my first impression to the audience.
(LAUGHTER)
(GASPS) What is happening?
We've already had one Ohakune Carrot.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm so...
(SHOCKED LAUGHTER)
- Oh my God! - Oh! (LAUGHS)
(APPLAUSE)
- So, you are the greatest orange thing? - Uh, yes.
D-Do you like it?
I asked five different spray tan places to do it, and they all said no.
So if― Whoever wins the prize task, you know how it works.
They take away all of the prizes.
- Do they? - Do they take away your skin? - Take my skin...
- Or do they take you? - Yeah, for as long as I'm orange, they can have me.
(LAUGHTER)
This wasn't worth it, was it?
(LAUGHS)
It was beautiful, Ray.
I think it was. I'll give you five points.
- Oh, thank God. - Yes.
(APPLAUSE)
Karen, one point for you, because the thing about the Ohakune Carrot ― it's gotta be big.
Dai gets two points for the coffee machine.
Mel gets three points for the cake.
And Bubbah ―
four. - RAY: What?
- KAREN: What? - Four.
Maybe it's actually genius. - That story made us all stupider.
(LAUGHTER)
- Four points for you. - Thank you.
KAREN: Ohh.
(APPLAUSE)
All right, let's kick this party up a notch. Let's get stuck into our first task.
It's the first proper task of the season, and this one had our contestants stumped.
(KOOKY MUSIC)
(SIGHS)
Gidday, Paul. - Hello, Dai.
- Hello. - Hello, Mel.
Hello, Ray. - Hey, Paul.
- Hello, Bubbah. - Hello.
Oh, what is this?
- I'm liking the look of this. - Why's that?
- Well, I quite enjoy cricket. - Oh.
Oh no.
- You don't like cricket? - No, I love it. I don't like Jamaica.
- Why don't you like Jamaica? - Oh no, I love it. - Oh.
I don't like reggae.
- Why don't you like reggae? - Oh no, I love it. - Oh.
- This is, like, my family legacy. - Oh.
My uncles, like, were in the Blackcaps, but my dad...
just works for HP Networking.
I'm like a kid at Christmas with this. Right.
READS: 'Knock the balls― bails...' (CHUCKLES)
Reading.
READS: Knock the bails off the wickets from the furthest distance.
What bails, those? OK.
READS: 'Furthest distance wins.
'So you have 20 minutes...
'...or until the bails fall off.
'Your time starts...
'now.'
(APPLAUSE)
You were very excited for this cricket task, Dai, I see.
Yes. I mean, coming straight out of the gate, I love cricket.
I play cricket, so, um, I felt this was in my wheelhouse.
Ray, you weren't so excited about the fact that this was a cricket task.
No, I-I talked to Paul as long as I could before I had to
touch the cricket. (LAUGHTER)
Touch the cricket?
Is that not a sporting term? (LAUGHTER)
- Who have we got up first? - Opening the attack, it's Dai Henwood.
I reckon you start from the bath, eh?
(LAUGHTER)
OK, that missed.
Lucky. It almost killed a cameraman.
I think here's safer, eh.
This is what it means to be alive, Paul. This sort of action, eh.
Yeah, dig it in.
Sorry.
(PLODDING MUSIC)
Oh, I'm just playing catch with you now.
(MUSIC ACCELERATES)
(GRUNTS)
Oh-ho-ho!
See, that's that turn I was talking about!
Oh!
I'm gonna give myself two more minutes of this length.
Oh!
Aw.
Oh.
(THUNK!)
Oh! - AUDIENCE: Aww!
When I'd hit the wickets like that, I usually run round screaming, 'Justice!' and, 'Storm the capitol!'
It's my thing. - You've got seven minutes and 40 seconds.
(FRANTIC MUSIC)
(LAUGHTER)
What am I doing here?
What am I doing here, Paul?
I'm embarrassing myself at every endeavour.
(THUNK!)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(SIGHS)
You thought you were gonna be quite good at this task, didn't you?
Yeah. That actually felt longer than the 20 minutes that it actually took.
How far away was he when he was bowling this ball?
Well, he started a lot further away, but the successful hit was 17.65m.
Right. (APPLAUSE)
Which sounds impressive, but it is 2.5m shorter than a cricket pitch. (LAUGHTER)
Nothing like live sports to send your blood pressure through the roof, is there?
I need a couple of minutes to calm down right now,
so why don't you relax and enjoy this selection of locally-made short films?
We'll see you for more Taskmaster in just a moment.
(APPLAUSE)
(MUSICAL FLOURISH)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Wow. Welcome back. Those were some amazing commercials.
I can't wait to see more of them later.
Paul, what are we all doing here?
Well, Jeremy, we're watching our contestants attempt to knock bails
off cricket wickets from the furthest distance.
That's right. Who do we have next?
Have I slowly heated sugar in a saucepan until it turns into a soft, brown, chewy sauce?
Because it's time for some 'Karen-Ray-Mel.'
(LAUGHTER) It's Karen, Ray and Mel.
I might just have a quick look in the shed.
(ITEMS CLATTER)
OK.
What's the rope for?
What I'm thinking of doing is tying it to the wickets
and then just pulling it from a very far distance.
Right. I probably don't need the helmet.
And if I tie this one to that one as well, I'm in the money.
Christ, I'm terrible at tying knots as well.
I didn't really think about that as I started to do this.
I really think maybe you could keep your ropes in better order.
Like, this is wasting a lot of my valuable time.
MEL: Let me know when it's at the end of the rope.
Oh, did that come undone?
Oh, bloody hell.
That'll have to do.
Then all I've gotta do
is tie this to the middle post without disturbing.
Will this work? Will this work? Have I got enough um...
(LAUGHTER) Oh my God.
Oh, like, all that time spent―
How much time do I have? - Two minutes and 50 seconds.
I'll just try throw it, I guess.
WHISPERS: Delicately...
That's good.
Whoa!
(GRUNTS) Oh, no.
This is either gonna work or not work.
This is so far.
Tell me when I have a minute left.
(THUNK!) - Oh, come on.
Oh no.
YELLS: I'm gonna give it a try, Paul!
You ready? - Yeah.
I'm ready.
(THUD!)
You've got 95 seconds.
Ugh.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
That was a disaster.
- Thank you, Ray. - Yeah, thanks, Paul.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - LAUGHS: Oh, Ray...
Ray, at one point there, you abandoned tying knots, and you decided to start throwing.
And as bad as you were at tying knots, you were way worse at throwing.
I think my biggest mistake with that task was spending 15 minutes on something
that crucially depended upon a skill I did not have. (LAUGHTER)
Mel, what do you think the cricketing side
of the Bracewell family would think about your efforts?
I think I've spent too much time in Australia that I'm now going,
'I should just cheat at cricket.' Like... - (LAUGHS)
Why doesn't everyone bring a rope to the match? That's... (LAUGHS)
I was happy, and then I saw that Karen just found another extra rope, which was just...
And I didn't― didn't occur to me to get another rope. - Ah, it's a shame.
(LAUGHS)
- How are the distances, Paul? - Um, so Ray ― 6.31m,
Mel ― 58.3m,
and Karen ― 61m.
- Oh! - Yes, so it was very close.
OK, Paul. So, by my count, that's only four people.
Great counting, Jeremy. We have one last contestant. It's Bubbah.
From the further-est distance.
Wait, let me just have a practice. - OK.
I don't know, I see them do this.
(THUNK!) Oh! - Stay there.
Oh, sorry.
(LAUGHTER)
- Oh. Do I not get another go? - No.
What?! (CHUCKLES) That was my practice.
Can I have a chance? Please? - You had― You had your chance.
- Please, Paul. - Sorry.
- I'll give you my lunch tomorrow. - No.
Where you gonna measure from if you don't know where...?
Where you gonna measure from if you don't know where my feet are?
Let me measure. Let me measure.
That's not where I was. That's not fair, then.
- What are you doing? - Practising.
Practising afterwards?
(YELLS)
(SNICKERS)
Oh my God.
Sweet as, Paul. - Thank you, Bubbah.
Shot, G.
(APPLAUSE)
So, is there anything that you wanna take away from this task?
I said, 'Let me have a practice,'
and then he said 'OK,'
and then he measured my practice.
I-I would like to deny that.
(LAUGHTER)
Look, it was confusing out there. I was so hot I couldn't see colour.
(LAUGHTER) So...
On a positive note, you had great aim.
Yeah. (LAUGHTER)
I love that you took, like, five seconds, and Ray took 20 minutes,
and I reckon you got bang on the same amount.
PAUL: It was very close between them.
There was only 26cm between the two.
Ray was 6.31m,
Bubbah ― 6.05m.
- '6.05m'. - Yes.
So, what does that mean for the points then?
So that means one point for Bubbah, two points for Ray,
three points for Dai, four points for Mel and five points for Karen. (APPLAUSE)
And that means that it must be time for the first scoreboard update of season four.
How are we looking, Paul? - Bubbah and Dai on five, Karen's on six.
In first equal on seven points, it's Ray and Mel.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
So, um, is there another task, or did we only do one this season?
Jeremy, you'll be happy to know that the number of tasks we did was two or more.
Disclaimer ― I really don't know what to expect with this one.
(KOOKY MUSIC)
- Hi, Paul. - Hello, Karen.
- Hi, Paul. - I've been expecting you.
OK.
What's, um, going on?
Oh, this is like that movie― Oh, no, that's 300.
This is the third movie in the instalment.
- (GROANS) - What?
Oh, no, I said― Oh, I didn't... I've got no ideas. (CHUCKLES)
If you had to guess what the task is, what would you predict?
- Yep. - OK.
I think I know what it is.
It is exactly what I thought.
READS: 'Do the most unpredictable thing at the end of the 500-second timer.
'Most unpredictable thing wins.
'Your timer starts now.'
500 seconds. How much is 500 seconds?
It's 8.3333 minutes.
ECHOING: Oh, shit.
Unpredictable? I'm so predictable!
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Whose unpredictable task are we gonna see first?
Well, Dai went first in the first task, so no one would expect him to go first again.
Well, maybe you should expect
the unanticipated.
It's Dai Henwood. (LAUGHTER)
You're allowed to leave the room.
I can also yell out if you need a time check. - Hold on, hold on, wait, wait.
420! I'll be back.
(LAUGHTER)
(CLUNKING)
(METALLIC CLICKING)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
Oh God. My dick.
(RUSTLING)
Hey, Paul. How are you going, bro?
RAPS: # Yo, my name's Dai, in the place to be. ♪
Oh, just having a good stretch.
Five, four, three, two, one.
(RUSTLING)
(LAUGHTER)
♪ Whoops, there it is! Whoops, there it is!
♪ Dry goods in my pants. I got dry goods in my pants. ♪
Can't say I was expecting it.
Thanks, Paul.
(APPLAUSE)
So, how did it feel to have all those dry goods in your pants?
It was actually like a coarse talcum powder.
The dry pasta, the cornflakes...
If anything, it made me feel amazing.
It was like having a dry dream.
(LAUGHTER)
If you'd like to fill your pants with dry goods without missing the next instalment of Taskmaster,
now is your chance. We'll see you after the break.
(APPLAUSE)
(MUSICAL FLOURISH)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Taskmaster ― the only show where you can win a normal-sized carrot
and Ray O'Leary's skin.
Where are we at, Paul? - Our contestants are attempting to do the most unpredictable thing.
So far, we've seen Dai Henwood fill his pants with pasta.
So, who's next then?
Up next, it's Academy Award winner Viola Davis.
That's not true, but no one could have predicted that I'd say that.
It's Bubbah, Karen and Ray.
Maybe I should blindfold you, so that way you can't predict what's gonna happen.
You also can leave the room if you want.
Yeah, I feel like this is awkward.
- What's awkward? - Being here with you. - Oh.
Yeah, I know what I'm gonna do.
Do I just need to wait till the end of the timer, though?
We can just chat convivially until then.
(WATER SLOSHING)
- Can you― Can you still see? - Mm-mm.
What if the thing that I do is a really dickhead thing?
- Please don't break the projector. - (SNICKERS)
Or the laptop.
But would I win?
You know, I've got that really cool podcast about people talking about their sexuality.
How would you― How do you define yours?
I'd probably say...
- There's no wrong answer. - ...none of your damn beeswax.
(AUDIENCE WHOOPS)
No, that's― Sorry. That's OK, you can ask.
- I'll be back in a second. - OK. - Thanks.
I got my thing.
Or... no, no. - 30 seconds.
Well, the thing I'm gonna do takes about 10 seconds.
You've got 20 seconds.
OK, well, you tell me when I get to 10.
You've got five seconds.
(LAUGHTER)
(AUDIENCE WHOOPS)
You've got eight seconds. - Cool.
What?
(SCREAMS)
(LAUGHTER)
I bet you didn't see that coming!
(SLOW-MO SCREAM)
(CHEERS) Great technique!
(THUNK!)
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
(GASPS)
(APPLAUSE)
Oh, shit!
- Any lasting injuries? - Um, well, no, not for me.
But I mean, I suspect maybe Bubbah's shoulder would hurt...
- (CHUCKLES) - ...after hitting my rock-hard body.
(LAUGHTER)
Speaking of rock hard, Karen's kiss must have given you a little tingle downstairs.
(LAUGHTER)
I will say this about Karen's kiss ―
immediately after, I lost the ability to see colour. (LAUGHTER)
- So, your predictions, can you just go through those? - Yes.
Uh, attack Paul, take your clothes off, silly dance, loud and/or aggressive noises,
costume change and break wind.
Um, but I would somewhat deem those three as attacks.
Yeah.
- No. - No. - No.
(SPLUTTERS)
- No! - No?
I did it cos I love you.
(LAUGHTER)
It's a love bomb.
(LAUGHS)
It's not an attack; that's my love language.
Who have we got left, Paul?
Brace yourselves and 'Bracewell' ― it's Mel.
Paul, before I come in, what would you expect me to do?
Um, something food-based, cos it sounded like you were banging around in the kitchen.
What if I was to do this?
(MIAOWS)
(LAUGHTER)
(MIAOWS)
(SLURPS)
Can't say you were predicting that.
And you wouldn't expect me to do it 130 seconds early, would you? - I wasn't expecting that, no.
- Well, that's what I've done. - You've got 122 seconds.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm gonna kill myself if this says 'at the end.'
CHUCKLES: 'At the end of this 500-second timer.' No.
No!
SHOUTS: No!
No!
Five seconds.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
That's real rubbish from the crew.
(SIGHS)
I can't believe I crawled around the ground mewing and licking milk out of a bowl.
You were just doing that in your spare time before the task.
In my spare time before I had to do the task.
Well, thanks, Paul. I'm gonna go wash this off my face.
- OK. Thank you, Mel. - And cry.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
I've spent the last three months thinking about that.
(LAUGHS) And I've developed a deep depression.
OK.
- How would you like to score it? - It's not easy, to be honest.
Pouring rubbish over yourself wasn't on the blackboard.
- No. That's true. - Yeah, but neither was romance.
And love. - (LAUGHS) That's true.
To be honest, Mel, I'll give you five points, cos I never thought you'd stoop that low.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
I never expected it, not from you. - Thank you. Thank you, Jeremy.
Ray, I'm gonna give you one point, because I could hear the water splashing.
Could you hear the water splashing? - I did. I did hear the water. - Could you?
- As you were walking towards me, I heard some sloshing. I did. - Oh.
Two points for you, Karen. A bit of tongue would've got you more points.
(LAUGHTER)
Bubbah, great tackle technique. Three points from you. - Thank you, Taskmaster.
- And Dai with the dry goods in the pants, four for you. - Thank you very much.
(APPLAUSE)
OK. What's next, Paul?
COCKNEY ACCENT: Cor blimey, Jeremy. It's our penultimate task.
(KOOKY MUSIC)
(KNOCKS)
- 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello. - Hello, hello, hello.
- Hey, Paul. - Hello, Ray.
Ooh!
Good afternoon, ma'am.
You right, guv'nor?
- This is the British flag. - You know your flags.
READS: 'Be British.
'Most British wins.
'You have 30 minutes.
'Your time starts...
'now.'
Guess what?
I'm 50% British.
I just need another 50%, and then I'm one hundo.
I could be like a football hooligan and give you a Liverpool kiss.
- What's a Liverpool kiss? - Head-butt.
- Oh. - Yeah.
That sounds full-on.
Do we have the rights to the soundtrack of Mary Poppins?
- I don't think so. - Hmm.
Probably should go get my makeup done.
Get a bag. - Get a bag?
Yeah. And then I'll come have, um, brunch with you.
What do you think of when you think of Britain?
Well, now all I can think of is a Liverpool kiss.
There's that headgear thing. Maybe you could wear that for your own safety.
We could also probably use a camera angle or something so you don't actually have to head-butt me.
- Where's the fun in that? - The fun for me would be not getting head-butted in the head.
(APPLAUSE)
I'd say, if possible, I wanna see Paul assaulted in every single task in this season.
That would be amazing.
It's quite an open-ended task, this one. Who's gonna start?
She's not a Spice Girl, but she is a nice girl. It's Mel B.
(ROYAL MUSIC)
POSH ACCENT: Hello.
It's me.
King Melanie of England.
Bow.
COCKNEY ACCENT: Fank you very much.
I've got a bunch of different accents cos I'm all kinds of Bri'ish.
Oh, this is some mighty fine artwork.
It'd be a shame if someone stole it
and put it in their museum,
wouldn't it? - Yeah, I agree. It would be a shame.
Welcome to the Bri'ish Museum.
What a Bri'ish day.
- Your throne is in the museum? - You bet your duck's (LAUGHS) arse.
- Is that a British expression? - Oh, (STAMMERS) rhyming slang.
Instead of duck, I say...
shit and (BLEEP). (LAUGHTER)
Oh wow.
Let's go do some colonisin'.
I'm gonna make a few changes round this place.
You bet your duck's arse on that. - I thought you didn't say duck.
You bet your suck and (BLEEP)'s arse on that.
What you call this? - Uh, the caravan?
Not any more, it's not.
It's Melville.
Mel-opolis.
It's England 2.0.
- Look. - (GASPS)
It's a suck and (BLEEP).
(APPLAUSE)
Just so I can be clear,
what the hell was that?
I was colonising the Taskmaster house.
And the swearing ―
Mel Bracewell!
I'm (BLEEP) sorry, OK?
Now it's time for what in Britain they call an 'ad break'.
We'll see you in a jiffy.
(APPLAUSE)
(MUSICAL FLOURISH)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Taskmaster, where five New Zealand comedians are desperately competing
for a cake, a coffee machine, and most importantly,
validation from me.
Where are we up to, Paul? - We are currently watching our contestants be British.
And whose subtle and nuanced impression of British life is next in line, Paul?
Next stop ― caravana di amor. It's Bubbah.
622 - # I've been thinkin' 'bout you, boy.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
♪ Yeah, yeah. All I think about is you, boy.
♪ All I think about is, yeah, yeah. ♪
Hey, Paul.
BRITISH ACCENT: I just came here to have a little chat with ya,
because when I first came on to the island, I was looking at you.
I thought you were looking at me, weren't ya? - Uh... Uh, yeah.
- And then, like, how come I saw you chatting up to― chatting up Dana? - Dana?
She just asked me how my day was yesterday, and I just said―
- Oh my God, I'm gonna cry. - No.
- It's like you're playing with my feelings. - No, I wasn't.
- I'm gonna cry on national TV now. - I was just being polite to Dana.
So, how come Dana thinks, like, you guys are gonna be together?
Well, cos I've just asked her.
- And what does she say? - Well, she said that you guys might be together.
Do you just go round here like a lad, like, with your physique
and just toy with everyone's feelings?
No.
So, when I'm out there, like, shankin' and gankin'...
- When you're shanking and gan―? - Me and my friends ― we'll blow a load out there,
skanky-danky,
chizzle and wizzle,
and skedad to the... away from the P...
P-lice.
I don't really understand what you're saying.
What are your top three favourite places in England?
Probably Ramsey's...
Ramsey's... house.
- Ramsey's house? - Er, yep.
The clock, and...
the cock. (LAUGHS) (WHISTLE TRILLS)
Thanks. - Thank you.
656 (APPLAUSE)
So, just a couple of questions here. What is 'skankin' and a-dankin''?
BRITISH ACCENT: It's just like, sluttin' around, I guess you guys would call it.
(LAUGHTER)
Your favourite things about England were
Ramsey's...
the clock...
and the cock? (LAUGHTER)
Mate, I'm from the hood. I couldn't think about anything that's from Britain.
She's not wrong. I know a lot of people who went on their OE to see the cock, to be honest.
(LAUGHTER)
- And the belt round the neck. - Yeah.
- Inspired. - I'm kinky.
(LAUGHTER)
Any more BAFTA-worthy performances?
UK, which stands for 'Up-next, Karen.'
(CROWD ROARS)
BRITISH ACCENT: Go wide, wide!
Send it forward!
Come on, Leicester! - BRITISH ACCENT: Come on, Fulham.
SHRIEKS: Leicester, come on, kill him!
Score a goal.
Take it long, long!
(SCREAMS) Come on, you bastard!
(WHISTLE TRILLS)
SHRIEKS: Oh, ref, come on, what are you talkin' about? - It was a good call, mate.
(THWACK!) Oof!
(LAUGHTER)
Come on, Leicester!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
That was awesome.
So glad we got to see the famous Liverpool kiss.
What could be more British than that?
Your lines were fantastic. 'Score a goal.'
Yeah, well I didn't actually script― I should have scripted Paul
if I'd known it was gonna be such a weak performance. (LAUGHTER)
OK, so that's three people being British.
There's two more. Is that right? - That's right, Jeremy.
Up next ― he's so English he can speak fluent English.
It's Dai Henwood.
(OLD-TIMEY MARCH)
(LAUGHTER)
Welcome, sir.
BRITISH ACCENT: This is England, all right, once you pass the border.
I am a Welsh guard, all right? Know what I mean?
Cuppa tea, squire?
Psssh!
Crrricket.
An encyclopaedia of words.
Bath.
Ahh. You know, the English don't have showers? They only have baths. - I've showered in England.
- Yeah, but you're talking modern day. - Yeah.
- Yeah, but we're getting bogged down in semantics at the moment. - OK.
The Brrritish lion.
What's the pearl necklace?
The Queen's crown.
FALSETTO: Ooh, you're clutching to your pearls.
And also the piece de resistance.
You stand there.
(MUSIC STOPS SUDDENLY)
You been queuing here long?
- Uh, no. - We're in for a good queue today.
Oh, nothing like a good queue, is there, mate?
So, this is England.
I gotta head back to New Zealand, OK? - OK.
(SIGHS) That was a long flight.
(APPLAUSE)
I genuinely forgot that that was shot in New Zealand there for a moment, such was the imagery(!)
What were you queueing for, exactly? - That's the best thing about queuing.
You don't have to be queuing for anything, because...
queuing is like life ― there is no destination. It's all about the journey.
- There's one person we haven't seen yet, have we, Paul? - It's O'Leary. Ray O'Leary.
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)
(CHIMES TINKLE)
FALSETTO: Ooh, ooh!
Ooh, I'm flying through the clouds!
Ooh, oh, oo-hoo-hoo!
I'm a British nanny. Ooh, oooh!
I'm Sherry Mobbins, a completely original character that does not infringe on copyright whatsoever.
And I'm here to look after a very naughty Paul Williams.
(UMBRELLA CRASHES)
Now, you've been a very naughty boy, Paul, but I know what'll fix you.
♪ The medicine goes down with a sugary spoonful. ♪
Yum, yum, yum.
Oh dear. You're still not better, are you? You're still a naughty boy.
I know. (SINGS) 'The medicine will go down with a sugary spoonful.'
There you go. There you go. Open wide. Open, open wide.
Open wide. Open, open. Maybe tilt your head back a bit.
There we go. Yeah, that's the ticket.
I think you've deserved a little trip up the stair banister.
(SLIDE WHISTLE ASCENDS)
Well, what a lovely ride.
Paul, you were such a naughty boy.
But now you've become the sweetest boy I've ever met.
And I'm going to really miss you.
Mmm, sweet.
Thank you, Perry... Moppins.
(CHIMES TINKLE) - Supercalifragilistic! Ooh, ooh!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Did Mary Poppins ever kiss the children that she looked after?
Yeah, no, that was Sherry Mobbins. They definitely should have done a police check onher.
Well, you started as Sherry Mobbins, and then I think by the end of it...
He kind of changed the name a few times. Eventually he landed on Perry Moppins, I think.
Yeah, that's what it was meant to be ― Perry Moppins, but I forgot.
I think everyone's efforts were equally embarrassing, so this is quite difficult for me to judge.
But I'm gonna give Dai and Mel two points.
Karen with the Liverpool kiss, I'll give you three,
and then Bubbah and Ray,
five points each for the Love Island melange ―
was a bit of Grange Hill in there too, which was quite impressive ―
and Sherry Mobbins as well, good on you.
(APPLAUSE)
Up next, the thrilling conclusion to the first episode of series four of Taskmaster New Zealand,
with our first live task. We'll see you soon.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(MUSICAL FLOURISH)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Taskmaster. It's nice to have your company. Don't worry, it's nearly over.
Our contestants are about to embark on their very first live task.
But first, we need a scoreboard update, Paul.
- On 14 points with a one-point lead, Mel Bracewell. - Oh!
(APPLAUSE)
That sounds about right. Let's head upstairs for the first live task.
(MUSICAL FLOURISH)
Can someone please explain what we're looking at here?
Tonight, Mel is going to read the task.
READS: 'Correctly don your surgical scrubs, mask, stethoscope, gloves, hairnet and shoecovers
'while simultaneously keeping your balloon aloft.
'Your balloon must remain in motion the entire time.
'If your balloon contacts the ground,
'you must remove everything you have put on and start again.
'Fastest to correctly don their surgical outfit wins.
'Your time starts on Paul's whistle.'
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
(LAUGHTER)
RAY: Throw that around. Throw it― Bounce it, bounce it back.
Some of us aren't dirty cheats.
Crap. (LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE WHOOPS)
- Ray's a genius. - RAY: Ugh.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(CHEERFUL JAZZ MUSIC)
- KAREN: Go away, Dai. - MEL: Why do I have two hairnets? Oh, they're shoe covers.
Ah!
This would be quite hard if you had to keep a balloon aloft. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHS)
I'll give you $10 if you drop that balloon, I swear to God.
I've got a bigger bounty. I've got an actual ripe avocado.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Hey, put the stethoscope in your ears. Everything's so loud.
Impressively, Mel is nearly beating Ray, and she's actually keeping the balloon aloft.
RAY: I'm sorry. I need all the help I can get.
Ray's struggling with the gloves.
Bubbah, you've got to try and put the clothes on.
OK, does this count? Am I done?
- Keep it aloft, please, Mel. - MEL: You don't have a mask on, you...
- The mask. - Oh, the mask. - ...stupid bitch.
(LAUGHTER)
- I'm done! - Mel's done.
I'm done! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Ray is done.
BUBBAH: Ah! Ah!
- Over here, please. - RAY: My balloon!
(BUBBAH SCREAMS) - Ray, Ray. - Don't you dare!
(AUDIENCE MEMBERS GASP)
PAUL: If you've finished, please join me over here.
- DAI: Yeah, I'm done. - Dai has finished.
(APPLAUSE)
(BANG!) - Ah!
- KAREN: Hey! Don't tackle me. - Ah!
(JAZZ MUSIC CONTINUES)
- MEL: Might take my hat off, is that OK? - KAREN: Oi.
Karen is done. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- DAI: Hold on. You put the bootie on. - Oh my gosh, cute!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - I'll accept it. I'll accept it.
OK, everyone, come on down, and let's figure out who got the points.
What a task that was. What are the scores there, Paul?
So, for that task, one point for Bubbah, two points for Karen, three points for Dai,
four points for Ray and five points for Melanie Bracewell.
Well done, Mel. (APPLAUSE)
So, what does that mean for the episode score?
It means the winner of episode one with 19 points is Melanie Bracewell! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Congratulations, Mel. You are now the proud owner of an orange
and Ray's epidermis, excluding his hands and face.
Go and enjoy all those orange things!
And that brings the first episode of season four to an end.
We learned that Mel Bracewell crawls around on the ground like a cat,
even when nobody asked her to.
We learned that the New Zealand version of Taskmaster will probably never air in Britain.
But most importantly, we learned that Mel is the winner of episode one!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Thanks very much for watching. We'll see you next time. Nigh-night.
('TASKMASTER' THEME)
Captions by Rebecca Scholtz. Edited by Jessie Puru.
Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.
www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2023
Oh no.
(GASPS)
Oh my gosh!
(BLOWER WHIRRS)
Welcome back to Taskmaster, where we're watching the brain drain unfold in real time.
(GARGLES)
Best... season... ever!
(WAILS)
I would be genuinely surprised if we ever see anything shitter than that, ever.
All right?
Thank you, Ray, Dai, Mel, Bubbah, Karen.
(CRASH!)