(DRAMATIC FLOURISH)
- Cheehoo!
('TASKMASTER' THEME)
- Oof!
(TYPEWRITER CLACKS)
- (CACKLES)
- (BURPS)
- Shame!
- (BLUBBERS)
- All right?
- Whee!
- (GROANS)
- (GIGGLES)
(TYPEWRITER CLACKS)
- (GASPS)
- (SHRIEKS)
('TASKMASTER' THEME CONCLUDES)
- Say cheese. - (SIGHS) Cheese.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(TYPEWRITER CLACKS)
(DING!)
- Kia ora koutou, and welcome to Taskmaster New Zealand.
My name is Jeremy Wells, and I'm sitting on this awe-inspiring golden throne
because thanks to some potentially career-ending photographs that I have of certain TVNZ executives,
I am the Taskmaster.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Sometime in the past, I asked five comedians to degrade themselves on tape for my pleasure.
Tonight, we're going to watch some of those tapes to find out who, if anyone, deserves to winthis ―
a trophy of my head,
made from lead paint and pure asbestos.
(LAUGHTER)
In the running for this incredible prize is our incredible cast ―
Bubbah! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Dai Henwood! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Karen O'Leary! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Mel Bracewell! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
And Ray O'Leary! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
And by my side is a man whose determination to one day earn my respect
never ceases to make me laugh ― it's Paul Williams.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Thanks, Jeremy. I actually did just wanna take a second just to clear something up,
because someone told me that there's an account on Instagram that looks exactly like me
and has my name, and it's messaging people trying to sell them Bitcoin.
And I just wanted to say that that is, in fact, me.
Um, please buy my Bitcoin. It's been a really hard year.
- Tell us about our prize task tonight, Paul Williams. - Sure thing, Jeremy.
For this episode, our contestants have been asked to bring in the best thing that reminds them of home.
Whoever wins the episode will take home all five things. - Let's start with Dai Henwood.
- In the words of Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson, I hope you've got your fun-derwear on.
Um...
- Is that a direct quote? - (CHORTLES) It feels like something he'd say.
- OK, yeah. (LAUGHTER)
- Because this makes me feel fun ―
it is a Japanese happi jacket...
and it's what people wear when they're feeling a bit down.
So, you put that on, and it makes you feel happy.
That, combined with a good pair of fun-derwear, and you've got a good time.
And a surprised courier. (LAUGHTER)
- Ray, what did you bring in? - I brought in my landlord. (LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- I know your landlord. - You know― You―
- He used to be my English teacher. - Yeah, he― he's a teacher. (LAUGHTER)
He's a retired teacher, yeah. - It's John Warner.
- Yeah― Oh, let's not say his name. (LAUGHTER)
- Look how happy he is to take your money. (LAUGHTER)
- Karen, what did you bring in? - Funnily enough, it's not dissimilar to Ray's prize.
Cos when I thought about home, I thought about people.
I've got a son, but he's too young to appear on the show. But also, I have got a lovely partner,
so I made her a replica of our home and I got her to put it on,
so... (LAUGHTER)
That's what reminds me of home ― Eilish with her head in the roof.
But obviously, whoever wins tonight, you guys have got one good night with...
the cardboard box. (LAUGHTER)
- Bubbah, what did you bring in that reminds you of home?
- What I brought is this ―
- Some sticks. (LAUGHTER)
- Um, so... that's like― Yeah, islanders in the audience! (LAUGHTER)
Yeah, boy! (AUDIENCE MEMBER CALLS INDISTINCTLY)
Yeah! (LAUGHTER)
So, this is a salu. So, you'll find this in every single Samoan home. This is basically a sweeper.
I used it for the first time when I was little, and I remember being like, 'holy (BLEEP), it's mean.'
Like, it gets dust and spider webs that a vacuum can't get.
It's also a very good tool to get beat up with.
(LAUGHTER) Um...
- Are you telling me that that salu picks up dust?
- I don't know what― It's like magic.
You go like that, and just all the shit comes forward that you don't know was there before,like...
meth. (GUFFAWS) (LAUGHTER)
- So it's good for... - (LAUGHS)
- ...finding all that random meth around the house...
(LAUGHS) and beating people up with. - (LAUGHS)
- Mel, what did you bring in?
- When you think of memories, what is the sense that evokes the most amount of memory?
(SNIFFS)
- The smell of― - Yes, correct. The smell.
I thought of the smell of my childhood, which is, uh, beer.
(LAUGHTER) And so I've turned that into a fragrance.
- KAREN LAUGHS: What?
- That is beer in a perfume bottle.
It's been quite good, cos I've been living in Australia for quite some time, and then I just have to go...
(IMITATES SPRITZING) 'Oh, Dad.' You know?
(LAUGHTER)
- Well, I need to judge these, and I'll give you one point, Mel,
because you could have just got a bottle of beer rather than chucking it in a perfume thing,
and just― you can just whack it on yourself.
- Damn it ― I genuinely did just bring in beer... (LAUGHTER)
...and then at the last minute I was like, 'Oh, that's so boring. I'll put it in a perfume bottle,'
and that's (BLEEP) me.
- Two points for you, Bubbah, with your magic salu― - But it's a magic salu.
- And that's why it gets two points.
Three points for you, Karen.
And I'm gonna go three points for you as well, Ray, with John Warner,
and then four for Dai for his jacket. Happi jacket. (APPLAUSE)
Why don't we dive into a proper task and see what these guys are really made of?
- Good idea, Jeremy. First task ― let's hope they don't blow this.
(KOOKY MUSIC)
Hello, Bubbah. - Hello, you.
- Once again, lovely to see you. - Likewise.
- Hey, Paul. - Hello, Karen.
- Balloons! I used to do balloon twisting.
- What could you make? - Uh, dog.
One time, a kid asked me for a scorpion. That was hard.
- Oh no. - Why'd you say 'Oh no'?
- I'm really bad at blowing up balloons.
'Get as many balloons on the desk as you can.'
Oh no.
- 'Each balloon must be blown up, have a face, and a name.'
- 'If a balloon falls off, you must get on your knees and mourn it before placing it back on.'
- 'Most balloons on the desk after 10 minutes wins. My time starts...'
- Hold on, hold on. I've got a question.
Can I glue it to the desk? - Finish reading the task, please.
No, stay― - Your time starts now!
(APPLAUSE)
- So, blow up balloons, give them faces and names, and then grieve them if they fall off thetable.
A classic Taskmaster task. Who's first? - It's Karen 'Blow-airy'.
(LAUGHTER)
Quite a small balloon. - That makes sense, doesn't it?
Cos then I don't have to use as much lung power. - OK.
I noticed they don't have faces. - I've got a system ― blow first. Always blow first.
Better start putting some faces on, eh?
That's Paul.
Anthony.
There's Anne.
Steve.
Why does that one wanna go away? - She has a name.
50 seconds.
- Violet.
- 35 seconds.
- Terry.
(FAN WHIRRS SOFTLY, AUDIENCE TITTERS)
Oh, f...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(MOURNFUL MUSIC)
- Mourn them, please. You've got 20 seconds left.
- Oh, I'm so sorry that you― on the thing, Grace.
But I still can't― They're just gonna blow off again. - Seven seconds.
- Oh, I'm really sad that you fell off. I'm so― apologies.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
That was a wase of my time.
(AUDIENCE WHOOPS)
- That doesn't count. - Skills. That― nah, it's gotta count!
That was such a good trick.
- I will admit it was skilled... - Yeah, well then―
- ...but it doesn't count.
- You were a little bit impressed. - I was― I was extremely impressed.
Happy with that? - CHUCKLES: No.
I didn't look up,
and I didn't see that sign saying the fans are gonna turn on in nine minutes and 30 seconds.
And had I seen that, I would have done something differently.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Ah, yes.
Yes.
How did you feel, Karen, when the fans came on?
- I felt, um... disheartened and windswept.
- How many balloons did Karen end up with on the desk?
- So, four.
- You're not telling me that blue amazing stomp kick that went on to the table shouldn't havecounted?
(AUDIENCE WHOOPS)
Thank you, whoever that was. (LAUGHTER)
The people have spoken.
- No, I think four was fair. - OK.
- Some scream from the audience here randomly does not give you another balloon. That's not the way it works.
Coming up, more compelling footage of comedians not looking up.
But first, we have to pay for all these balloons somehow, so here's some ads. We'll see you ina moment.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(MUSICAL FLOURISH)
- Nau mai, hoki mai. Welcome back. Paul, please bring us up to speed with where we are.
- Our contestants are attempting a task where they must blow up, draw faces on, name and mourn balloons.
Whoever ends the task with the most balloons on the desk wins.
Unfortunately, just like myself, these balloons must contend with some pretty big fans.
(LAUGHTER)
Let's watch Dai-Mel-Bubbah try-fill-rubber balloons with air. (LAUGHTER)
- Here's some tape. It's gonna help it― stop it from falling off.
- Work harder, not smarter, Paul. - Isn't it the opposite?
- What did I say? - I think you said 'Work harder, not smarter.'
- Oh, yeah, I got that wrong.
(TAPE CRACKLES)
- Does that first balloon have a name? - Ah, yup. Jared.
- And what about that one? - Uh, Paul.
- This is Paul. - Who's that named after?
- Paul Ego. (BALLOON TOOTS, AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(POP!)
- This one's called Leo, and I'm gonna call the other one Michelangelo, right?
Oh no!
Um... For my fallen soldiers, I mourn you, and I love you.
- Blake. Amy. Genesis. Suzy. Lance. Angel. Jared. Paul.
- What's Angel's story? - Uh, she's a pastor's daughter.
- You've got four minutes 20.
- All of these girls are called Jess.
- What about this one? - This one's called Jessica.
- 30 seconds.
(FAN WHIRRS SOFTLY, PEN SQUEAKS)
- Don't know why I wasn't working at this pace...
(SHOCKED LAUGHTER)
(FAN WHIRRS SOFTLY)
- (CHUCKLES MOCKINGLY)
(LAUGHTER)
Ha ha (!) (APPLAUSE)
Ha ha (!)
- It's a little bit windy in here, eh?
- I'm so sorry, Jess. I'm so sorry, Jess.
Jess, I'm so sorry.
- Anthony, you know... I love you, my friend.
- 15 seconds.
- (CHUCKLES)
Ha ha.
- Jess, I'm so sorry. I knew there was some shit going on.
- What's your name? Lucy. You'll always have my heart. I love you to the stars.
Charlie ― absolute legend, my man.
Tennille. I mourn your loss, and sorry to see you go.
Tulsi, these things happen, but I've got your back.
(WHISTLE BLOWS) I'll see you in the universe.
Tino Fa'asuamaleaui didn't even make it on.
- You happy with that? - Hell yeah.
I knew you were gonna do something like that.
- Happy with that. Happy with that. I finally don't feel stupid.
(APPLAUSE)
- How did you guys know to use tape when you didn't know about the fans?
- Well, it just eliminates the possibility of it falling on the floor at any point.
- I trusted my balloon-balancing skills. - And you shouldn't have.
(LAUGHTER) - Fair call.
- Dai, did you ever manage to figure out where the wind was coming from? You didn't even seem to―
(LAUGHTER)
- I was very deep. Just thinking about names was my main thing. I have― My children were named there.
CHUCKLES: Your wife, for some reason, was one of the balloons.
- (STAMMERS) What did you... You said 'I'm sorry for what happened.'
- CHUCKLES: Yeah. We can't go into that, but... (LAUGHTER)
- Bubbah, the look on your face ― that is the definition of a shit-eating grin right there.
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING)
You were so happy with yourself.
- I knew, because after that glitter incident, I was like, 'They're gonna try trick me.'
- I'd like to just reinforce there was no trick with the glitter. - Yeah, OK.
(LAUGHTER)
- So, Dai had nine balloons on the desk at the end of the time;
Bubbah, 19. (SCATTERED CHEERS)
Mel, 26. - ALL: Ooh!
(APPLAUSE) - Great work.
Now, that must mean that we've got one comedian left.
(LAUGHTER)
And ever since you introduced this task, I have been looking forward to this person's attempt.
- Famous for his lung capacity, it's Ray O'Leary.
- I don't think I've ever blown up a balloon and tied it up before in my life.
(BALLOON SQUEAKS FEEBLY)
(LAUGHTER)
Is this good?
Now to try tie it up after having... blown it.
- Would you say that's blown up? - I would say it's blownin.
How do you tie up a balloon? Do you tw― you twist the top?
- You've never tied a balloon before?
- I've never tied a balloon in my life.
(RUBBER STRETCHES, SNAPS)
OK, that's just one that― that came undone, but it doesn't say I have to tie them.
OK, so that one's Jeremy. (TAPE SNAPS)
- You're scared that's gonna fall off?
- Yeah, I'm scared a balloon this buoyant might bump into another balloon and fall off.
(RUBBER SQUEAKS)
Is there, like, a technique to blowing them up?
(AIR PUFFS) - 30 seconds.
- OK. I don't have time to figure it out. (FAN WHIRRS SOFTLY)
What's going―
Oh. Oh, I see.
Did any of them fall over? I don't think so, cos they're all taped to the desk.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
I, um... feel, um...
really good about that.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) I mean, it's the saddest kids' party you've ever seen.
(APPLAUSE)
- So, Paul and I always knew that there was a hidden challenge in that particular task
in the form of some fans.
What we didn't realise is that the challenge for you was going to be actually blowing up a balloon.
(LAUGHTER)
- When do― When are you meant to learn to blow up balloons?
- It's just one of those things you learn, like walking.
(LAUGHTER) And sort of just― They generally come pretty naturally ―
talking, and... you know. - But you've seen me walk.
(LAUGHTER)
Do any of those count?
- No. - No. - Oh, come on.
- Jeremy, what do you think? Do we accept Ray's balloons?
- I think we should. - DAI: Yeah.
- I― (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Seriously, it's just a case― As horrific as that was to watch,
the guy was trying to blow them up, some air went in them, you know.
- So, with Ray's balloons counting, that takes him to 14, which leaps him into third place.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
So that means one point for Karen... - Yes!
- ...two for Dai, three for Ray, four for Bubbah,
and five points for Mel Bracewell. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Paul, are we allowed a cheeky little peek at the scoreboard?
- It's a four-way tie currently.
In joint first equal with six points, it's Bubbah, Dai, Mel and Ray.
(APPLAUSE) - Whoa. OK.
I think we all need a breather after that. Ray's still tired from trying to blow up those balloons
about three months ago. We'll see you in a moment. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(MUSICAL FLOURISH)
(APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster ― the only show on television where you can win a person
and also another person.
Paul, do we have another task loaded up? - We sure do, Jeremy.
And please note that this task was filmed before the team tasks, so not everyone had met.
(KOOKY MUSIC)
(PLASTIC RUSTLES)
- Well, that's cool.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) - Oh, you can come in.
(DOOR CREAKS) Oh, this way.
- I'll come round the― - It's a push.
- Oh, is it a push? - Yeah.
- Oh, there we go. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Hello. - Hello.
- Wassup?
- I know these people. - Rank them from favourite to least favourite.
- That's― No, you can't say―
Shall we do this one? - Yeah, OK.
- He's getting drunk with power. Make me do whatever he wants.
Little freak. (CHUCKLES) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- READS: 'Become another contestant.'
- 'Best becoming of another contestant wins.'
- 'If you become the same contestant as somebody else, your points will be halved.'
- 'You must emerge through a door as your chosen contestant in 20 minutes.'
- 'Your time... starts... now.'
- Do you know any of the other contestants? - Uh, not― No.
- Who's this? - Uhh....
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
...Karen.
(APPLAUSE) - (LAUGHS)
- So, obviously not familiar with the New Zealand comedy scene there, Bubbah.
- No. (LAUGHTER)
I didn't know anyone except― I had met you.
- Do you remember his name? (LAUGHTER)
- Whose impressions are we gonna be blessed with seeing first, Paul?
- They're the wise elders of season four of Taskmaster New Zealand ― it's Dai and Karen.
- Dai?
He's way shorter than me. - Right. - It's not gonna work.
- Physically, me and Mel are, you know, the same.
- So, so far you've said Ray you think is too obvious and everyone will pick him?
- Yeah, but maybe because of that, no one will pick him. - Right.
- Bubbah I could pull off, but then that could go drastically wrong.
- Tonight, Paul, I'm gonna be Ray O'Leary. (AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS)
- DAINTILY: Tonight, Paul, I'm going to be Melanie Bracewell.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
(STAND-UP STYLE MUSIC)
(CRASH!)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Hi, Paul. I'm Melanie Bracewell.
- Hello, Mel.
- HESITANTLY: Um, hello. My name's Ray O'Leary.
The other day, a friend of mine asked me, uh... if I'd be interested in watching the sunrise,
and I thought to myself that... that sounds like something that would be interesting
to a moth.
- I'm 6'2,
I enjoy netball,
and I'm quite a big deal in Australia.
- Favourite food?
- Uh...
coconut oil.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - Straight coconut oil?
- I panicked.
- Uh, my favourite movie is... um...
What We Do in the Shadows.
- That's interesting, cos Karen O'Leary, who's also on the show, she starred in that.
- Yeah, I'm aware of that, cos... she's my sister and my partner.
- Biological sister? - Yes.
- I don't know if you guys should be partners.
- I'd like to say a shout out
to the... Silver Ferns,
and um... a big hurrah to the Southern Sting.
- Are they your favourite teams? - Yeah, they're the teams I can remember.
- What are your parents' names? - I don't like to talk about my parents.
- OK, why is that? - We're estranged.
- Oh. What happened? - I started going out with my sister.
- And they didn't like that? - For some reason, no.
- Thank you, Mel. - That's OK, Paul. Have a great evening.
- Thank you. - Thank you, Ray.
Dai, are you still behind the door? - Maybe.
- You can go now. - Thanks. Thanks, mate.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Very good.
Karen, was it just easier to stay O'Leary? - Absolutely.
I thought, you know, stick with what you know.
And also, again, I think we've got quite a similar kind of look.
- Stick with what you know is why we've started dating.
(LAUGHTER) - CHUCKLES: Yeah.
- Dai... you toyed with the idea of impersonating Bubbah, but then you said,
'No, I might get myself into trouble here.' What was your thinking behind that?
(LAUGHTER)
- Well, you know, if we look at the history of blackface...
(LAUGHTER)
...and we weigh up the pros and the cons...
the cons tend to...
be 100%,
so I thought, 'Let's go with a tall white woman instead.' (GIGGLES)
- You seemed to overlook quite a large part of Mel's persona, and that's her height.
You remained at the same height, which is interesting.
- Yeah, but the thing is, I just focused on every other detail being picture perfect.
(LAUGHTER)
- (CHUCKLES) All right, who have we got next?
- They're the spring chickens of Taskmaster New Zealand season four ―
it's Bubbah, Mel and Ray. (APPLAUSE)
- Tonight, Paul...
- ...I'm gonna be...
- ALL: ...Dai Henwood. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS)
(STAND-UP STYLE MUSIC)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - DAI: Oh, fu―
- Hello, Dai. - Oh, 'ello, Jeremy.
Excited to be here. Tonight on Team Two, we've got Ray O'Leary and Paul Williams.
I'm more excited than a― than a Chihuahua who's ripping a Slinky from underneath a grove.
I'm gonna go punch a sleeping bag later.
- Go the bloody Warriors!
(PAPER WUB-WUBS)
- Is the name Dai short for something?
- Uh, yep. Die hard. - Die hard? - Die hard.
- And your middle name? - Uh, Really.
First name Duffin.
- So, what's your full name? - Duffin Die Really Hard.
- W-What's your favourite movie?
- Oh, anything with the bloody Vodafone Warriors in it, I tell you what.
- Did you break that umbrella? - Uh, yeah.
Doesn't matter, I'm... rich.
- How'd you get so rich? - Uh, just the greatest comedian alive in New Zealand.
- In New Zealand? - Yeah.
- Billy T, Shmilly Shnee.
- Shmilly Shmee? - Yeah. Billy T, Shmilly Shmee.
- What is this?
- CHUCKLES: A jig. - A jig?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - You know I love to dance.
- If you had to pick a contestant to impersonate, who would you pick?
- I'd pick Melanie and I'd get on stilts. She's massive. She's a giant freak.
- And you would make fun of that? - Whatever she does to make fun of me is now no longer offensive,
cos I've said she's a stupid little bitch freak.
(LAUGHTER) - Dai, I don't think you should say that kind of thing about Mel.
- I'd love to stay and chat with you, but... I've got a... an...
a viewing. - A viewing? - Yeah.
- What do you mean? - Uh, looking at some real estate.
- Buying or selling? - Uh, both.
- You're buying and selling real estate? - Yeah.
That's why I wear these suits. - OK.
- Yeah. I've gotta go.
- Thank you, Dai. - Thanks, Paul.
Oh, God.
- (SIGHS)
- You OK, Dai? - Yeah, yeah, I've just had a growth spurt.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING)
- Bubbah, first of all, you gave me a real sort of kaumatua,
Maori elder sort of vibe. - Because I thought you were Maori, remember?
- Oh, yeah! (LAUGHS) Yeah. - KAREN LAUGHS: You did! No wonder!
- Can I just ask, Bubbah, why was Dai going to open homes?
Do you think he's involved in real estate?
- I don't know. I thought, 'What do people with money do?' (LAUGHTER)
- CHUCKLES: I live in Avondale. - (GUFFAWS)
- Also, Ray ― when did you think I look like a used car salesman? (LAUGHTER)
- I didn't recognise at first that that was even you, Ray. - No, no.
- I-I... The role consumed me. (LAUGHTER)
- OK, I think all three Dais deserve two points each.
- Is that pre-halved or post-halved? - Exactly what I was about to ask.
- Uh, that's pre-halved. - OK.
- Yeah, that's... (AUDIENCE 'OOH'S)
- So two points, halved ― one point each.
- Yeah, one point each. - OK.
- Dai, three points
for your Mel.
It was basically, you just had some women's clothes and a wig on, and the rest of it was justyou.
And then I reckon four for you, Karen, because I think that was the best impersonation, was Ray.
(APPLAUSE) Well done.
Paul, do you think it's time for another task?
- Jeremy, asking me that has made me the happiest man in the world.
I do.
- Paul?
- (SIGHS)
- Ooh!
I always knew Paul had the hots for me.
- Oh, cute.
- I'm presuming this is, like, a clue.
- Quite romantic.
- Am I missing it?
Is this the task? Are we doing it?
- This is what it's like to be loved.
- Oh, there's― Oh!
I guess we'll follow these.
- Paul. You shouldn't have.
- What do you want? - Will you take this task?
- Yes. OK. A thousand times, yes.
- Thank you.
(GRUNTS)
- 'Get married'?
- READS: 'You cannot marry Paul.'
Well, this is― it's ridiculous. You know that's what I want.
- 'Best wedding wins.'
- 'You have 30 minutes.'
- 'Your time starts... now.'
TO CREW: Will any of youse marry me? - We need them to film it.
- Oh, yeah.
- When I was a child, I was at a dinner and I was dinging the glass, and my friend was like,
'Why are you dinging the glass? You have an announcement?'
And I told her 'I'm getting married to my hand.'
So maybe I could marry my hand. - OK.
- I'm gonna need to get a plane from LA so that my partner can come here.
- In 30 minutes? - Dammit.
(CLATTERING) - Damn, my bride's falling apart.
- Wait, I can marry myself, eh? People do that.
- Probably. - Yeah.
- And where would you like to get married? Do you know? - I'm gonna have a look.
- OK. - Can I scout?
I'm location scouting. - OK.
(APPLAUSE)
- Lovely romantic task, this one. Whose beautiful ceremony do we have the honour of seeing first, Paul?
- He's our only married contestant, so if you're Dai's wife, avert your eyes ― it's Dai Henwood.
- What would a dude in his mid-forties marry?
I know what a dude in his mid-forties would marry ―
some golf clubs. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
You see where I'm going with this?
What do you reckon the chances are of getting Flo Rida here in 25 minutes?
- Well, I assume he's probably in Florida.
- If I can't get him here, can I play a Flo Rida song?
- We probably can't afford a Flo Rida song, but we could get some royalty-free music.
- I would love royalty-free Flo Rida. - OK.
# R-Ready or not,
# Tell 'em here I come.
# R-Ready or not,
# Tell 'em here I come.
# We gotta p-push the limit.
# We gotta p-push the limit, p-push the limit, p-push the limit. #
FAINTLY THROUGH TABLET: # We gotta p-push the lim― #
- Um...
We gather here today to bear witness to the wedding of Shushana and Dai.
They'll now do the vows.
- I will be there through death, before death, and after death. I love you, Shushawna.
Shushana, sorry.
Can I have the rrring?
Shushawna...
Shushana. Sorry, it really does catch on the tongue.
Will you take me to be your― your― your other half?
And will you be my middy?
Peace.
- Did she agree?
- Oh, yeah.
- Thank you, Dai. - See you later, Paul.
Oof, you're heavy. Oh, shit, sorry.
This is just what happened to my first wife.
Let's just put you there, and let's just run away.
(APPLAUSE)
- Boy, there's a lot to unpack there, isn't there? - (CHUCKLES)
- You know, the worst thing was that as you left, you were saying to Shushana,
'You're a little bit heavy.' Never a good line at a wedding.
And then when Shushana fell to bits, you just took off.
- You know, sometimes, you gotta know when to hold 'em...
(CHUCKLES) you gotta know when to fold 'em...
and you gotta know when to run away. (CHUCKLES)
- If you're in the market for a new vacuum cleaner or insurance company,
I would pay attention to the next bit ― it's the ads ―
and we'll see you soon with more Taskmaster. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(MUSICAL FLOURISH)
- Nau mai, hoki mai. Welcome back. It's nice to have your company. Where are we at, Paul?
- We're watching people get married for our entertainment, in what I believe is a televisionfirst.
- Whose freaky wife or husband are we going to meet next, Paul?
- You are hereby invited to the wedding of Karen O'Leary.
- So, can I get my partner on FaceTime?
- If you want. - Yeah.
- And if they don't mind being involved.
- It's marrying me, why would you not wanna be involved in that?
Eilish. - Yeah.
- You may start the music, please.
- (PLAYS WAGNER'S 'BRIDAL CHORUS') (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(PLAYS JAZZY LICK)
- Eilish. Um, obviously, I'm very excited to be here today to marry you.
You know, you're an amazing person, and I've actually written you a very special song.
TUNE OF 'TWO METRES PLEASE': # I do love you. I do love you. Marrying today is what I willdo.
# I do love you. I do love you. Marrying today is what I will do.
# You make me so happy, make me smile every day,
# even though currently you live over, over, in LA.
# I can't wait to be married to you for the rest of my life.
# Please, my darling Eilish, will you please be my wife? #
(AUDIENCE 'AWW'S) Will you take my hand in marriage?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - I will. - Thank you.
Now we can kiss.
(MWAH!)
(CEREAL CLATTERS) - Sorry.
- That's good. More, more. (CEREAL CLATTERS) Keep going.
- Oop, sorry. - My bouquet! I've gotta throw the bouquet.
Three... - OK.
- BOTH: two... one.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS) - You got it! Congratulations, Paul.
- Thank you. - Thank you so much.
(GUITAR DONKS) Ooh, dangerous.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- BUBBAH: That was actually so sweet!
- WHINES: You actually mad me sad. It was so sweet!
- This is the same woman that you've offered up as a prize this morning. (LAUGHTER)
- Well it's ironic it happens to be the same episode.
- For some reason, it just felt a little bit more heartfelt than Dai's.
(LAUGHTER) - I don't know.
I mean, with a bit of Flo Rida, that would have been perfect.
- Whose beautiful event are you going to awkwardly hover around next, Paul?
- He's always worn a suit just in case this exact situation ever arose ―
it's Ray O'Leary.
- (SINGS WAGNER'S 'WEDDING CHORUS')
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Oh, dear. (RESUMES SINGING)
Oh, no. (RESUMES SINGING)
(SOFT THUD) All right, it'll have to do.
- We gather here for the special day of Ray O'Leary...
- Uh, and um... Fenella. - ...and Fenella.
- Fenella, I've loved you since the day we met, which was earlier today.
We went on this hunting trip
with this lion, which is also my best man.
And even though you're severely... dismembered,
you still look as beautiful as the day I met you,
which was slightly before the dismemberment.
- Does anyone object?
- FALSETTO: 'Oh! I blimmin' object!
'That― his best man
'disfigured Fenella earlier today at the hunting trip,
'and so that's why she's, you know... and so this is a bad marriage!
'You understand the logic of why I'm objecting?'
- Because his best man dismembered the bride earlier in the day.
- NORMAL VOICE: 'Yeah.' (FALSETTO) 'Yeah!'
No, honey, it's not true.
(THWACK!) (MOANS)
Oh, no, my love! No!
Beautiful and melodramatic wedding.
Oh.
(APPLAUSE)
- I would be genuinely surprised if we ever see anything shitter than that, ever.
(LAUGHTER)
- LAUGHS: You don't think it was just as heartfelt as Karen's?
- Can I just say, I was there on the day, and I'm actually impressed with how that turnedout.
(LAUGHTER)
- Who's next, Paul? Hopefully it's a slightly happier one than Ray's. - It's time for a Bubbahbath.
(ROMANTIC MUSIC)
- Look at her go.
Wow, absolute (BLEEP) hottie. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
From the gutter to the block butter. Whoo-hoo!
Hello, me.
Hi. I'm so glad you showed up.
(WATER SLOSHES)
- We're gathered here today
to witness the wedding of Bubbah...
and Bubbah.
Please do your vows.
- Um... cool. It's been cool as knowing you.
My first memory of you is when we were at that house in Mangere and you burnt the garage down.
That's when I knew I was in love with you.
I think that we've come such a long way.
It's been a pleasure being you,
me.
- Thank you, Bubbah.
Bubbah, your vows, please.
- Listening to your garage story just reminds me of all the things that we've been through,
and after this, we've got some pisupo and potato salad waiting at home. Yeah.
- Bubbah, you may kiss yourself.
- Sweet.
(WATER SLOSHES)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(WHISTLE BLOWS) - You happy with that? - Kind of.
- What do you mean, kind of? - I'm pretty cold and wet. I don't know if it was worth it.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- MEL LAUGHS: Why were you...? - I don't know, we didn't even show it!
- What a twist that was at the end, that the bath was full of water all the time.
- Yeah, uh... I don't know why I filled it. (LAUGHTER)
- She spent over half her time filling the bath. - Yeah, filling it.
- Has that always been a dream ― not only to marry yourself...
- Yeah, a wet dream. - ...but marry yourself... (LAUGHTER)
- All right, I need to see one more before I can score, Paul. - Sure thing, Jeremy.
Here's Mel asking herself for her hand in marriage.
(PACHELBEL'S 'CANON IN D')
(BIRDS TWITTER)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Ladies and gentlemen, I am a celebrity magician.
Welcome to the wedding of Melanie Bracewell and her hand.
- Make me proud, son.
He'd better not break my young daughter's heart.
- You may do your vows.
- Handy, I've known I've always loved you
since in high school, when none of the boys were interested in me.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) You ― you were always there.
Melanie,
I feel the same way.
He's a better man than I'll ever be.
Those are our vows.
- OK. Does anybody object?
- AMERICAN ACCENT: 'I object.'
(GASPS) - (BOTH GASP)
- (GASPS)
- Is that... celebrity singer-songwriter Taylor Swift?
- Yes. It's me, Taylor Swift.
She's always got my back.
I saw Handy cheating on Melanie with...
Paul.
(CAMERA CLICKS)
- (BOTH GASP)
- Handy, you'd cheat on me with Paul the celebrant/magician?
You bastard!
Paul, do you have anything to say for yourself?
- Yeah. Uh, watch this.
(MAGICAL WHOOSH) - (GASPS)
That was the most impressive magic I've ever seen.
That's good shit.
This is the best wedding I've ever been to.
That was amazing.
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
- Great production. - Thanks. - Really good.
- See, Ray, that is how you do multiple characters. (LAUGHTER)
Right there.
- Not one character was dragged along by a rope.
- How did the hand that you were marrying have an affair with Paul without you knowing?
- Um... - The magician would have used sleight of hand.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
- I chose my hand because when you're a woman in your mid-20s and you look at the men in theworld,
you do realise that your hand can do a better job most of the time. (LAUGHTER)
- You could also just look at other women. That's also a good thing you can...
You can get rid― - All right, you've convinced me. (LAUGHTER)
- Well, to be honest, I think two of our contestants didn't get married. - OK.
- One point for Mel... - (GASPS)
...one point for Ray. - That's probably more than what I deserve.
(LAUGHTER)
- Bubbah in the wet bath ― three points for you. - Thank you, Taskmaster.
- Dai, four points for you and... Shashana, was it?
- Oh ― Shush-ana. (LAUGHTER)
- And I feel it would be unfair not to give you five points, Karen, cos you actually married someone.
- MEL: That was really sweet. - Yeah. How beautiful. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Beautiful. - And the song was beautiful. - Beautiful.
- Speaking of marriages, here are some examples of the unhappy marriage
between art and consumer capitalism.
They're called ads. We'll see you after the break. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(MUSICAL FLOURISH)
- Nau mai, hoki mai, welcome back.
We're about to let you get back to your evening, but first of all,
we need to see what our scores are looking like for this particular episode, Paul.
- It's a low-scoring affair, Jeremy. Out in first-equal with 13 points each, it's Dai andKaren.
(APPLAUSE)
- All right, let's head upstairs for a famous Taskmaster live task.
(MUSICAL FLOURISH)
Can someone please explain what I'm looking at here?
- Karen, would you please read this task? - I'd love to.
'Side with the Taskmaster. Paul will read aloud a statement,
'and you must decide whether the Taskmaster would agree or disagree with that statement
'by standing in the corresponding bathtub.
'The person who correctly sides with the Taskmaster the most wins.'
- You ready? - Yep.
- Italian food is overrated. (WHISTLE BLOWS)
(EASY-LISTENING JAZZ MUSIC)
Jeremy?
One point for Dai, Karen and Mel.
(APPLAUSE)
- (BLEEP) (LAUGHTER)
- Jam goes in the fridge. (WHISTLE BLOWS)
(LAUGHTER)
- RAY: Get your leg in! - BUBBAH: Lift my leg up! Lift it up!
- Jeremy?
One point for everyone.
(APPLAUSE)
(SCREAMING, SHOUTING)
The people who stand up on planes should be allowed to get off first.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Jeremy?
A point for Mel, Bubbah and Ray.
(APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER)
Ray O'Leary's suit suits him.
(WHISTLE BLOWS, LAUGHTER)
- MEL: Awww.
- Yeah, but it's whathethinks. (LAUGHTER)
Not what I― I love you!
(LAUGHTER)
- One point for everyone but Bubbah. (APPLAUSE)
Black shoes with white socks is OK. (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- Yeah. (LAUGHTER)
- Jeremy?
One point for Bubbah and one point for Ray.
- Yeah! - (LAUGHS)
(APPLAUSE)
- Tea goes in before the milk. (WHISTLE BLOWS)
Jeremy?
One point for Karen, one point for Mel, and one point for Bubbah. (APPLAUSE)
- What kind of sicko doesn't think that?
(LAUGHTER)
There we go. All of my opinions are laid bare. Should we go down and score the round?
(MUSICAL FLOURISH)
Come and take your seats, and let's score the live task.
So, there's someone that came first, there's a tie as well, and then there's some that came last, right?
- Yes. - OK, so we go one point, three points, five points?
- OK, so one point for Dai... - Yep.
- ...three points for Bubbah, Karen and Ray... - Yep.
- ... and five points for Mel Bracewell. - Beautiful.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) OK.
Before we announce our winner for tonight, shall we look at the overall series scoreboard?
- It's incredibly tight, Jeremy.
There's only eight points between last and first, but leading with 77 points ―
Melanie Bracewell!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Whoa.
- Well, the race for my head is as exciting as ever, but enough about me. Who is tonight's winner, Paul?
- The winner of episode five with 16 points ―
it's Karen O'Leary!
(LOUD CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - I won my partner! Yay!
Thank goodness.
- Congratulations, Karen. You are now the proud owner of beer perfume, one Japanese jacket
and two human beings.
Please celebrate accordingly on stage.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
It's been a wild ride, but what did we learn?
We learnt that Ray O'Leary has the lungs of a Victorian child labourer. (LAUGHTER)
But most importantly, we've learnt that Karen O'Leary is the winner of episode five.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Thank you so much for watching. We'll see you next time. Ka kite.
('TASKMASTER' THEME)
Captions by Rebecca Scholtz. Edited by Steffi Dryden.
Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.
www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2023
- I'm ready for some good old-fashioned television drama.
- Die, you cheating bastard!
- Nooo!
- We didn't lose it at each other.
- We just hated the task and the show.
(LAUGHTER)
- It felt like I was out with my caregiver.
(LAUGHTER)