(DRAMATIC FLOURISH)
- Chee-hoo!
('TASKMASTER' THEME)
- Oof!
(TYPEWRITER CLACKS)
- (CACKLES)
- (BURPS)
- Shame!
- (BLUBBERS)
- All right?
- Whee!
- (GROANS)
- (GIGGLES)
(TYPEWRITER CLACKS)
- (GASPS)
- (SHRIEKS)
('TASKMASTER' THEME CONCLUDES)
- Say cheese. - (SIGHS) Cheese.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(TYPEWRITER CLACKS)
(DING!)
- Kia ora koutou katoa, and welcome to Taskmaster New Zealand.
For those of you who don't know who I am, I'm Jeremy Wells,
and as a young man, I spent my time roaming the countryside of New Zealand,
pointing at people and giving them points from one to five.
At the time, it was considered obnoxious and rude,
but now I have found my calling, because I... am the Taskmaster.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
A wee while ago, I asked five of New Zealand's most available comedians... (LAUGHTER)
...to complete a series of tasks in front of a professional camera crew.
Tonight, we're going to review the footage to see how our comedians went, and who deserves to win this...
(AUDIENCE 'OOH'S)
...trophy we found at an op-shop that happens to be the exact same size, shape and weight of myhead.
(LAUGHTER)
Joining us to compete for this incredible op-shop find,
we have Bubbah! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Dai Henwood! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Karen O'Leary! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Mel Bracewell! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
And Ray O'Leary! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
As always, by my side, here's a man who needssomeintroduction, but he will not get it fromme.
It's Paul Williams! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Paul, introduce yourself, would you?
- Hello. (LAUGHTER)
My name is Paul.
Um, m-my favourite food is cookies,
and I have two terrible secrets that I'll never tell anyone.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- So, Paul, tell us about our prize task tonight.
- Tonight, our contestants have brought in their most braggable-about items,
and the overall winner of tonight's episode will take home all five braggable items.
- OK. Well, let's get started.
Bubbah.
- Do you know my origin story? (LAUGHTER)
- No. Please, tell. - Well, obviously, I was trying to do comedy in the city.
Um, wasn't working, cos all of my audiences were white, and there's― (LAUGHTER)
there's nothing wrong with that ― it just was like,
'Where's my family and my cousins, and where's our seats over here?'
And so, then what I did was, I did these backyard shows for Maori and Polynesian people,
and it was for free, and it became a thing in South Auckland.
And so then, for the first time, I got invited to do my first solo show
which I took some South Auckland kids with me to do, which is this photo over here...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
So, my most braggable-about item is that flag that's on my shoulder, so I've brought it intoday.
Oh, it's been through the wringer though, cos... (LAUGHTER)
...no, cos, um... I took it with me to parties, the parades, my dog wears it sometimes,
so I've got a new flag up the top for you to make new memories.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - KAREN: Hard to beat. Hard to beat.
- So, do you find yourself bragging about this particular flag?
- Only if I'm asked about it.
(CHUCKLES)
- Mel.
- Do you know my origin story? (CHUCKLES)
- I do actually know your origin story. It involves cricket, a whole lot of Bracewells...
- So, you're on the money there.
There was an ODI last year where the Blackcaps versed Ireland, and we almost lost, but we didn't,
because of Michael Bracewell. They had to get 20 points... points! - Runs?
Runs. It's runs... - Sea― Going seamlessly. (LAUGHTER)
Yeah, runs. (AUDIENCE MEMBER WHOOPS)
- To get 20 runs in the last over, Michael smacked a four, another four, a six, another four,
and another six to win the game and save our nation from embarrassment.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Yeah!
And so I have brought his sweaty jersey from that game.
Yaaay! (APPLAUSE) - Another good prize.
- So, I just need to be clear on this ― your most braggable item is one of your relatives' shirts
that he did something in.
- Yeah. (LAUGHTER)
- Dai, what did you bring in?
- I'm a...
deep fan...
of the Warriors.
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
And I was gifted this ―
(LAUGHTER)
This is Stacey Jones, the little general,limitededition craft beer
from a very boutique brewery. (LAUGHTER) - Oh, yes.
Do you think there'll ever be an occasion where you're likely to crack open that Stacey Jones beer?
- No, never. I actually hold it during games. (LAUGHTER)
It's a good luck charm which isn't really working. (LAUGHTER)
- Ray, what's your most braggable item?
- We're talking about bragging in New Zealand.
I've brought in a tall poppy. (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
It also represents respecting the troops, you know, which I try to do in every facet of my life.
Like, my flat wall is covered in nothing but poppies,
my garden grows nothing but poppies... - (LAUGHS)
- I'm addicted to opium... (LAUGHTER)
- Where did you get this particular poppy from? - The Warehouse.
(LAUGHTER)
- Karen.
- It seems like a lot of these prizes, no one really had anything to do with their creation,
whereas my braggable item is this assignment that I did when I was in Form 1.
(LAUGHTER)
- MEL: Aw, that's cute! - So not― (APPLAUSE)
- Yeah. So― And also, if you go to the next one, I've got, um...
Mel's uncle's in there. Where's the Bracewell? Up there. - Oh, yeah.
- So there's Mel's uncle. And lastly, but not least-ly, I got a pretty good mark for thatone ―
100%.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Wow. Um, OK.
Ray ― one. - RAY: Oh. (LAUGHTER)
That's just typical, really, isn't it? Sad New Zealand behaviour,
tearing down a tall poppy. (LAUGHTER)
- Two for you, Bubbah, with your Samoan― - Are you kidding?
I wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for that.
- What, that flag? - Yeah. (LAUGHTER)
You think they'd let me on this set if I didn't come with my flag down to Basement Theatre
and pull my own solo show off? (AUDIENCE WHOOPS)
- That's quite terrifying. You get three points, then. (LAUGHTER)
Mel and Karen, three points each for your cricket-related braggable item,
and four points for Dai Henwood's Stacey Jones beer!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
That means it must be time for our first proper task.
- Previously on Taskmaster, all our contestants got married, remember?
- I do. - Good.
Because otherwise, this next task won't make as much sense.
(DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)
- (SIGHS)
- Hello, Bubbah. - Hello.
- Hello. Ooh, the wind is quite... - Marilyn Monroe-ing you.
- This looks vaguely familiar.
- Oh, no. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(HAND CLATTERS)
She's not happy to see me, is she?
- Look at the happy couple!
- Aw, it's our wedding day!
- Hello, Mel's hand, by the way. Sorry, that was rude of me. - Hello.
- Are they part of it?
- The ecosystem? Yes.
- READS: 'Break up your marriage.
'The messiest break-up wins.'
- Oh, no.
- READS: 'You have 30 minutes.
- 'Your time starts now.'
But I already had a break-up in the marriage.
- How can you do this to me?
- I'll tell you what, my first thought that comes to mind ―
take her down to the pond and dump her in. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- OK, let's keep it simple, cos I got wet last time.
- A lot of people like to end relationships amicably.
I think that is for losers.
- Can you think of a word that rhymes with 'want'?
- Bouffant? - Bouffant. Great.
What rhymes with hell? - Gel.
Sometimes need gel to get a bouffant. - Genius.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- So, Bubbah married herself,
Dai Henwood married Shushana, who was a bag of golf clubs... - (CHORTLES)
- Karen married her real-life partner, Eilish,
Mel married her hand... - (SNIGGERS)
and Ray married a mannequin named...
- Fenella. - ...Fenella.
- All right, Paul, hit me. I'm ready for some good old-fashioned television drama.
- Up first, Karen O'Leary.
- Eilish ―
READS: 'Despite us getting married today,
'I have something that I need to say.
'Despite you being all that I want,
'you now remind me of Comic Sans font.
'You no longer make my hair feel bouffant.
'Yes, you are hot and sexy as hell.
'We no longer fit. We no longer gel.
'He really is the most marvellous man.
'Never thought I could be straight,
'But now... yes, I can.
'It's Paul.'
(PAPER RIPS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Now I gotta email it.
Can you airdrop it to me?
- You've got one minute and 14 seconds. - Yeah, can you airdrop it to me?
- 30 seconds.
- Send.
(WHISTLE TRILLS) Send!
- Show me your phone.
- It's the case. - Show me the screen.
It says sending. It looks like it's definitely still uploading. - No, done. See, look.
It's not uploading. I don't know what you're looking at.
- My issue is it hadn't sent by the time― - My issue is your internet.
- My issue is your attitude.
Do you think the Taskmaster will accept that?
- My attitude? - No, that it had sent.
- We've both made a couple of errors.
Yours was more major.
- What was your error?
- Breaking up with Eilish to be with you.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- OK, the problem is that even at the end of your break-up,
Eilish didn't even know that you'd broken up with her, because― - So ha-ha, sucker.
(LAUGHTER)
- It sent after the time.
And you could argue that Karen had stopped the task at that point,
cos it was just the internet going, really.
- We'll score it later. - Yeah, you don't know what these guys have done yet.
(LAUGHTER) - I know.
To the audience at home, I'm sorry, but I need some space.
A couple of minutes should do it. We'll see you soon after these ads.
(APPLAUSE)
(MUSICAL FLOURISH)
- Nau mai hoki mai, welcome back to Taskmaster ―
hands-down the best show in this time slot on this channel.
Paul, fill us in with what's happening, please. - It would be my pleasure, Jeremy.
Our five comedians are about to attempt something
that thousands of New Zealanders successfully complete every year ―
getting a divorce.
Next up, we have Dai and his wife, Shushana.
- Hey, babe. How are you going?
Come and check out this seat for sunbathing.
Oh, Shushana, I know we've been married for...
days. It feels like weeks, to be honest.
And we went on that camping trip with my brother, and you snuck in to the wrong tent.
I know it was my brother's.
He's always had a thing for golf bags and tennis balls.
I think it's only fair to you if we have a break from things while I go and have some time tomyself.
I think you're gonna be over the moon without me, so see you later.
Sucker.
(MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC)
I think it's time to break up, Shushana.
(SHUSHANA THUDS, CLATTERS)
Oh, she can see me.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER)
- So, Dai, in order to break up your relationship, you went straight to murder?
- Well...
I feelyoumade a jump there.
So, I broke up with her while she was sunbathing, (CRACKING UP) then...
...then she slipped off her... (LAUGHTER)
... her seat, Your Honour. And... (LAUGHTER)
- All right, Paul, let's see another marriage dissolution, shall we?
- Cutting ties with her own hand, it's Melanie Bracewell.
- 'I'm so glad we patched up our differences.'
Yeah, it is nice, isn't it?
'And I got that great life insurance policy.'
Yeah.
'It's nice and secluded around here.'
Yeah.
Very secluded.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Die, you cheating bastard!
- No, no!
- Yes.
(SAW GRATES)
- (SCREAMS)
- Die!
Die!
You're going down. (BLOOD SPLATTERS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(SNARLS)
(SCREAMS)
(SNARLS)
(PLONK!)
(PANTS)
Relationships, huh? (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Oh.
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
- Oh, amazing.
- That was intense. I couldn't help but notice your blood is particularly thick and verystringy.
(LAUGHTER) - Thank you.
(LAUGHTER)
I did get quite violent, but it was 'messiest break-up wins,'
and so I felt like there had to be blood.
- I'm ready for another messy break-up if you are. - Absolutely.
His bride-to-be already got dismembered by his best man.
He's hoping to get 'custardy,' but enough about what he wants for dessert ― it's Ray O'Leary.
- Oh, boy. I sure, um... enjoy engaging in...
extramarital affairs,
especially with my best man from my wedding earlier.
I'm so glad you don't mind that, um... Paul
is just watching in the corner. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I know adult male lion's roar can be heard 8km away,
so I sure hope nobody heard our extramarital affair.
- (GASPS)
- No, Fenella, it's not what it looks like.
Well, yeah, if you think I had an extramarital affair with a lion,
then yes, it's exactly what it looks like, you nailed it on the head.
No, come back! Noooo!
My l-love!
Fenella, noooo! (CRASH!)
Oh, why oh why did I have an extramarital affair? Ohh.
- Mr O'Leary. - Oh, no.
- This is a legal document from Fenella.
- She left me negative a million dollars?
Noooo!
I forgot when I married her, she was dirt broke.
This sure was the messiest break-up I've ever seen, nooo!
And this is why you don't have extramarital affairs, kids. (CLICKS TONGUE)
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- How did Fenella get $1 million in debt, exactly?
- Oh, she's got a huge gambling problem.
- The lion genuinely looked like it had had a lot of pleasure.
- W-What else would you expect? (LAUGHTER)
- Ray's rolling in pussy. (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
- All right, we've got one messy break-up to go, and I have a sneaking suspicion I know who it is.
- Yes. Breaking up with herself, it's Bubbah. (APPLAUSE)
- CALLS: OK, bye!
Oh, I forgot my lunch.
- HUSHED: We can't― we can't keep doing this.
- Head up, girl. Don't worry about it.
- It feels wrong.
- Why does it feel so right? (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- You're so (BLEEP)ing right.
- (GASPS) What the (BLEEP)? What are you doing?
- Oh, shit!
- (GASPS) No! Bubbah, you can explain!
(BANG!) (GRUNTS) (SHELL CLINKS)
- Noooo!
You crazy bitch!
- CROAKS: We'll be OK. (EXHALES)
- I was thinking of you the whole time, I swear.
- Yeah, Iwouldsay that.
- (GASPS, SIGHS)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
- Mummy, what's happening? - You weren't supposed to see this.
(RAUCOUS LAUGHTER) I'm so sorry.
This is the messiest break-up I've ever had.
(APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING, LAUGHTER)
- DAI: Oh. - Wow. OK.
So, you cheated on yourself with yourself, and then gave birth to yourself.
- In one day. - Whoa.
Did you ever consider the problems around inbreeding?
Because obviously, you know, having a baby with yourself is one thing,
and then what's gonna happen with your baby's baby's baby?
- Just, like, keep it in the family. (LAUGHTER)
- OK, I think we should score this one.
Karen, one point, because you failed to send, so that never even finished.
Dai, I'm not even sure Shushana was even dead there at the end. You were worried that she was looking at you.
So, two points for you, Dai.
Mel, that was a pretty messy break-up in terms of blood. You get three points.
Ray ― shockingly messy. Anytime bestiality is involved in something, it generally causes problems.
But I've gotta say, Bubbah, five points for you. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Yeah-yah.
- That was next-level.
After that harrowing emotional experience, how are the scores looking, Paul?
- In last place on four, it's Karen, and out in front with eight, it's Bubbah!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Now it's time for an ad break, so why don't you look at the person next to you on the couch
and decide if it's time for a messy break-up of your own? We'll see you soon.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(MUSICAL FLOURISH)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster, where five comedians are putting everything on the line
for an unlaundered cricket shirt.
What's our next task, Paul?
- It's a team task, Jeremy, and this one's 'a-maze-ing'.
- Is it about a maze?
- Yeah.
(LATIN MUSIC)
- Let's go, gang. (GASPS)
- Yeah, we gotta walk with purpose. - DAI: We gotta... - Yeah-yah.
- Oh, there's like a little maze! - Hey, Mel. Hey, Ray. - Hi, Paul.
- Ow. - Yeah ― Ooh, you can get a horrendous paper cut doing that.
- READS: 'Control a blindfolded teammate through the maze without touching the rope.
- 'You may not repeat any words in your directions.
'Only the blindfolded teammate may enter the maze.
- 'You cannot remove the blindfold.
'If you touch the rope or repeat a word,
'the blindfolded teammate must return to the start of the maze.
- 'Fastest maze completion wins.'
- I've got an idea. I think I could possibly guide you.
- You reckon― OK, all right.
- If it starts with R, it's right... - You turn left, and if it's a food, you turn―
- ...if it starts with L, it's left. - DAI: That's gotta― - OK, that's easier.
And an 'F' word for forward.
- So, are you quite keen to wear the blindfold? - Oh yeah, great.
- Yeah, I can wear the blindfold. - Yeah.
Go tell me now.
- Fast. - What?
- That's just a― it's a word that starts with F, so you go forwards.
- Oh, shit. Oh. - Yeah.
- LAUGHS: I've already failed. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- So, Bubbah, you came up with what seemed like a great system...
- Yeah. - ...and then immediately forgot it straight away.
(LAUGHTER) - You overthink, oi. You laugh, but when you're in there...
(LAUGHTER)
- OK, so who's tackling the maze first?
- It's the three 'maze-keteers' ― Bubbah, Dai and Karen.
- OK, so 'S' word― - All starting with an S.
- ...is slow? - Yep.
- 'F' word is forward, 'R' word is right, 'L' word is left.
OK. - Feijoa. - Ooh, sorry.
- So, tell me when I need to go. - Stop! - Lamington.
Um, facts. Fig. Fencing. - Don't run out of 'F' words. - Tiny―
Tiny lupin. Just a tiny lupin. - You've repeated that word quite a few times.
Dai, back to the start, please.
- WHISPERS: Three, four... - Looking good, Dai. - Lichen. No, no―
- Racist. - Yeah― oh, racist. Racist.
Serendipity.
- Oh, yeah, boy.
- Feijoa. - Back to the start, please.
- Why? - A word was repeated.
- Which one? - It was 'feijoa.'
Sorry. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER, MUTTERING)
- What about ― if it's a food, I go left... - Yep.
- ...if it's a drink, I go right.
- Avocado.
Tea. - A little bit Heineken.
- Little's been said. - What?
- This task isn't very fun.
Actually, how about ― food or drink for left, any other word for right.
- Got it. Fish pie.
- Rolex.
- SHOUTS: Waistcoat.
- 360 umbrella.
- 360?
- GUFFAWS: Sorry!
Oh, sh... - Phone!
Phone. Phone. - Oh, sh... Oh, sh...
- Oh, (BLEEP)in' hell.
- Oh, I felt like we were doing so well. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- If you're too close to the rope, I'll say a sports word.
- Yeah. - Ah, yup.
- Cricket.
Cricket. Oh,(BLEEP)in' hell. - (LAUGHS)
- That was a sports word. You were close to the rope. - Oh, yeah, I sup― Oh, God.
- It's also an insect. - Shut up, Paul.
- Chewing gum.
Chewing gum. (BLEEP)
- (LAUGHS) - (SCREAMS)
- If you would like to swap the blindfolded person, you may.
- I'm gonna get this, guys.
- Well, the task doesn't say we can't crawl, cos I reckon you could crawl without touching therope.
You'd have to be quite an army crawl, I reckon.
- (YELLS NONSENSE)
- You're touching a pole, but not the rope.
- Oh, yeah, boy!
Iguana.
Iguana. Oh my God. - Oh, so close! - (SHOUTS)
- I forgot how fun mazes are.
- Fo' shizzle.
- Righteous.
- Antelope.
C-section. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Enemies.
Mechanic.
- Xylophone.
(TENSE MUSIC)
- You've completed the maze. - Yeah, boy! (AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS)
- That was amazing, Karen. You did amazing.
- So, did any of you guys regret agreeing to do the show while you were filming that task?
- This is definitely the closest I came to the edge, but we didn't lose it at each other,
and I thought, as a team, we actually worked very well. - Mm.
We just hated the task and the show. (LAUGHTER)
- How many times did they have to start again? - So, they restarted 16 times,
and their total time was 40 minutes and nine seconds.
(LAUGHTER)
- This task seems nearly impossible.
I'll be interested to see if it's because the task is actually difficult,
or if the first team is just really bad at mazes.
- Let's find out. It's the other team ―
Everybody Loves 'Ray-Mel.'
- I'm gonna make my words quite long, so I might just go like
(DRAWS OUT) 'banaaaaanaaa.' - Oh, I see. I see, I see.
- You ready? - Um...
- Does your nose not fit in the mask? - Is my nose coming out?
Is that better? Oh, there we go. (WHISTLE TRILLS)
- Moooooo...
...oove!
Turn.
Baaaaaa...
...aaa!
Slooowwww...
Stop.
SLOWLY: Hay bale.
- I used to bale hay when I was but a boy.
- O'Learyyyyy...
...yy!
- I feel like we're nailing this.
- Haaaa...
...nnn...
...Nando's...
- What was that? - I think she said 'hando.' - (CHUCKLES)
Www... (INHALES LOUDLY)
...www...whoa!!! - What way does it...?
- SLOWLY: Straw heap.
- OK, so what do I― - Around. - Around, OK.
- Belll...
...lt!
Buttonnnnn...
...nnn... - Are you just describing things on my body right now?
Did you look at me and think 'Nando's?' - (LAUGHS)
Haiiirpie...
...eee... - You do sound a bit like Wall-E.
- ...eee...! - And Eve.
- (HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL) - Oh, wait, this is good.
This is good. Did we― Did we do― Oh! - (CHEERS)
(SLOW-MO CHEERING AND SCREAMING)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Well done. Although, I've gotta say, Ray, how about the little T-Rex hands that you had going on?
- What are you talking― - I have since had nightmares of this ―
- How did that make you feel, you guys, watching that?
- Mel has the mind of a genius.
It's like Mel runs a school for, um...
- Rays. - ...people― for people who...
- It felt like I was out with my caregiver.
(LAUGHTER)
- That is what I was trying to say.
- Yeah. Let's talk about timings, then.
- OK, so the first team was 40 minutes and nine seconds. - Yes.
- This team ― 40...
seconds and 10 minutes.
- Oh, right! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
It was pretty good.
- I think probably Mel and Ray deserve five points, cos that was pretty impressive.
- OK. (APPLAUSE)
- And Bubbah, Dai and Karen deserve two points, cos that wasn't impressive.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Is that the end of the show, or do we have more tasks? - Here's another task.
(THEME MUSIC)
Hello, Mel. - Hello.
- Oh, Paul, is it? - Hello, Dai.
Hello, Karen. - Hello.
- Hello, Paul. Glad you took my advice and took all that blackface makeup off.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Open it? - Yes, please.
(TAPE CREAKS)
- READS: 'Use this entire roll of Sellotape in the most brilliant way.
- 'You cannot waste any of it.
- 'Most brilliant use of the entire roll of Sellotape wins.
- 'You have 20 minutes.'
- Wait.
- Can you keep reading the task, please? - I can't. I can't read.
- What? - 'Your time starts now.'
(APPLAUSE)
- Whose unravelling are we gonna see first, Paul? - What about Bubbah and Mel?
- Can I hang you?
Eh.
- Hang me from the neck? - Yeah, like― like put you on a spit.
- Oh. - Yeah.
- I'm thinking these noodles will be quite brilliant.
(CLATTERING) Oh, shit!
I'm gonna be walking art.
- Hey, I think that'll hold you. - Really? - Yeah.
- Is this feeling brilliant so far?
- It's hard to know exactly what's going on.
- Hold that.
Pull!
Yeah, that'll hold you.
- It's this obsession to have all these things.
And what do we really need them for?
- What if you wanna play golf?
- You can hire the golf clubs. - OK.
- Shit.
(TAPE CREAKS)
That's finished!
- The final moment is ― we're so attached to our cell phones these days,
it might as well be taped to our head.
(TAPE SQUEAKS)
(GASPS) I finished the tape.
- So, what have you done here? - I've made art. Inspired by...
Jesus.
- I've created a brilliant piece of art with this tape about the dangers of capitalism, and...
- So, next time― - Sorry, I've got a text. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- OK, good luck.
(RIPPING) LAUGHS: Oh no!
You broke it!
- I'm gonna go now.
- Thank you, Mel.
(TAPE SNAPS)
(TAPE RUSTLES)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- What were you thinking with your creation, Bubbah?
Obviously, Mel's had a political message. - Obviously.
(LAUGHTER) - I think mine was just abstract,
and just, like, if you looked at it and you thought, 'That reminds me of five points,' that'sup to you.
- What I need to know is what the pink pirate hat had to do with Jesus.
- He was misunderstood.
- Much like pink pirate hats? - Yes, much like the pirate hat.
- OK. (LAUGHTER)
It's time for an ad break, but make sure you 'stick' around for more Taskmaster after this.
We'll see you soon. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(MUSICAL FLOURISH)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster. It's nice to have you with us.
Paul, can you bring us up to speed, please? - We've seen our contestants
make it to the end of a maze and to the end of a marriage. Now they've reached the hardest endof all ―
the end of a roll of tape. - Mm. Who are we gonna see next, Paul?
- Up next, I've stuck together Dai and Karen.
- What do you think's brilliant, Paul?
- What do you think is brilliant?
- Cricket.
(TAPE SQUEAKS)
- So, what is the type for?
- The tape's just to make the cricket ball.
- Have you noticed when you get an apple, there's usually not much tape on it?
- I'd say almost no tape.
(PEN RATTLES)
- This is looking really good.
(TAPE SQUEAKS) - Have you ever been, like, on the bottom storey of a house?
How could I get an apple without stopping to read my Mills & Boon book, right?
- Now, cos I've gotta use the rest of the Sellotape,
I'll just make that a bail. (STUMPS CLINK)
- Amazing what you come up with in the heat of the moment, eh?
(CLUNK!)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- You bat.
(GRUNTS)
(SPRAY CAN HISSES)
- Coriander.
Cilantro. Some people say it tastes like soap.
- I love the taste of soap. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(THUNK!) - SCREAMS: Ah, Dan! Catch it!
My bat.
(TAPE STRETCHES) - Oh-ho-ho-ho, here we go.
- Williams coming up to bowl now. O'Leary's about to get a century.
This could be it.
- Oh, sorry.
(LAUGHTER)
- That provides exactly... (TAPE STRETCHES)
Wow.
- Ow!
You should appeal. That could have been an LB. - Sorry.
- Appeal. - Sorry. - No, no, no―
- Time check? - Five minutes. (TAPE SQUEAKS)
- If anything, I've got too much time.
- (GRUNTS)
(CLUNK!) You got me. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Great game, Paul. Really good.
- That's the last piece of tape, my man.
- Can you demonstrate it now?
- You pop the tape roll in.
Then you drop this down to them.
See, it's perfectly at hand height to grab.
- The amazing use of that roll of Sellotape.
- So what was the use? - Useless is what it was.
- Are you happy with that? - Happy? I should be on Shark Tank with this.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- I'm not 100% sure what I saw there. Dai, can you explain what was actually going on?
I like the fact that you thought it was the obvious thing to do with Sellotape.
- So, you're sitting down there under the sun, reading a bodice-ripping novel about a romanticaffair,
and then you go, 'Ooh, I could go a crisp Royal Gala apple, but I don't wanna leave my seat.'
And then your partner tapes you down a Gala apple, and you're like ―
(IMITATES CHOMPING)
- So, it's a Sellotape dumbwaiter? - Yeah, Sellotape dumbwaiter. - OK.
Your cricket game was mildly...
disturbing. Did you use the entire roll of Sellotape?
- Yes. The whole entire roll of Sellotape was utilised in my brilliant activity.
Made an amazing cricket ball out of a tennis ball. Not many people can do that.
- Paul, what were you up to with your bowling? You were steaming in. - Yeah.
- And that length was atrocious.
- And when you bowl, like, a toe-crusher, it's not meant to crush thebowler'stoes.
(LAUGHTER)
- Four down, one to go, Paul. Who's lucky last?
- Using up some Sell-o-tape, it's Ray-O-Leary.
(CRASH!) - Oh, shit.
Can you please put that on?
(TENSE MUSIC)
Probably wanna put both those on. - OK.
- I need to get some train tracks.
Look pretty.
(NOODLES CLATTER)
(TAPE STRETCHES)
- Do my legs need any?
- I didn't even think about the legs.
That's cos I'm not used to kidnapping women. Are you? (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Um...
- Why would you say 'um' and not immediately say 'no'?
OK, there we go. That's all the tape. - Oh.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- We're gonna do, like, a short film, Paul. - OK.
(OLD-FASHIONED CINEMATIC MUSIC)
Help!
- Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha. I have ze― tied up ze lady.
Hon-hon-hon-hon-hon. - Help. Ahh.
Ahh!
Ray, there's a train coming towards me, and it's being driven by a decapitated person.
Ray. Help me.
Ray?
(MUSIC PAUSES)
You've got 2.5 minutes. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(TRAIN BELL RINGS) - Yee howdy. Not to worry, milady.
Whoa, someone sure Sellotaped you up good.
- Quick, the train's... - The train's coming. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Is it? - Yeah, I'd be screaming if I was you.
- It seems like it's just parked up. - No, it seems like that, but I'm sure special effects will fix it
to make it look like it's coming real far.
(MUSIC SWELLS DRAMATICALLY)
Wow, we― we did it. You sure must feel grateful that I saved you from that Sellotape.
- You've still got 43 seconds.
- Do we― Do we kiss? (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(MUSIC CONCLUDES TRIUMPHANTLY)
(MWAH!)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- So, can we talk about the kiss?
- I felt like I'd created a gripping, you know, Western,
and, you know, it needed that satisfying romantic conclusion.
- Yeah, well, normally, I guess people do shake hands after a kiss. - Did I― (CHUCKLES)
- That's the third kiss I've had this season.
Best. Season. Ever. (LAUGHTER, CHEERING)
- OK. Karen, I think one point. What you did there was a disservice to cricket.
Both you and Paul should be ashamed of yourselves. - LAUGHS: Oh, f...
- I still don't know what you were doing with that dumbwaiter thing, whatever the hell thatwas,
so two points for you, Dai. - OK.
- Three points for your art, Mel, and three points for Bubbah's art as well.
And I reckon four points for Ray and your little film. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Love the kiss. - Thank you.
- That's enough Sellotape. Now it's time to sellyoutape with some ads, assuming some of them are for tape.
We'll be back soon, so make sure ya stick around.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(MUSICAL FLOURISH)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster. The end is in sight. We've just got time for one more livetask,
but before we get to that ― Paul, could we have a score update, please?
- In first equal, they're both doubling Karen's score ― it's Mel and Ray.
(APPLAUSE) - Team, team, team, team, team!
- All right, everyone, please head to the stage for the final live task.
(MUSICAL FLOURISH)
- Melanie Bracewell, please read this task.
- READS: 'In your teams, deliver the Taskmaster three compliments.
'Standing at your plinth, one at a time, write an original compliment on an egg
'and deliver it to the Taskmaster with your remote control car.
'If you lose or break your egg, you must start again.
'First team to successfully deliver their three compliments wins.'
- So, the team of three will each deliver an egg.
The team of two ― one of you will need to do it twice. - You got this, Ray.
- Drivers, are you ready?
- Yes. (WHISTLE TRILLS)
(CHEERING)
- I have just realised I've already decided that Ray's gonna do it twice and he does not have alicense.
- My learner's expired.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Oh, he's got a comp― he's good at writing!
Be careful. Be careful. - Oop, oop...
Oop, oop. - (SHRIEKS)
Oh, yes, Ray! Yes, Ray!
(SHOUTING, CHEERING) Ray! - Turn, turn!
- Ray! (CHEERING)
- Ohh! (APPLAUSE)
- What does it say? - It says, 'You have a good gait.'
(LAUGHTER)
(AUDIENCE CALLS ENCOURAGINGLY)
(CHEERING, DISAPPOINTED SHOUTS) - It's OK.
- Yes, Mel! - I'm so scared.
(SHOUTING)
- (GIGGLES NERVOUSLY) Oh! - Attempted sabotage from Karen.
- KAREN: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa― - BUBBAH: (FRUSTRATED SCREAM)
- SCREAMS: No, Mel! - (SHRIEKS) - (GIGGLES)
Yes, yes, yes.
(AGITATED MUSIC)
- DAI: No! - Stay straight, you (BLEEP)!
(LAUGHTER)
- Oh no! Oh no, we're wasting― - I did the same thing!
- (CHEERS) - Yes! Yes!
(CHEERING)
- READS: 'You are...
handsome, for a man.'
(LAUGHTER)
- RAY: Oh. Uh, a little back― - BUBBAH: Bro, hurry up!
- (STAMMERS)
(AUDIENCE GASPS) - (CACKLES)
- Oh! (CHEERING)
(LAUGHTER)
- Ray, this is a race.
- READS: 'You are hung like a gorilla'? (LAUGHTER)
- And the other way a little bit, other way a little bit. Back―
- BUBBAH: Yeah? - Yeah, and then forward boom-bah.
- (GASPS)
- That way― turn it that― Now that way. Forward, forward. Yeah, forward. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- MEL: Oh my God, you're doing it!
(RAUCOUS CHEERING) - SHRIEKS: Don't let it tip over! That way!
- READS: 'You look like a pussy slayer.' (LAUGHTER)
- Go. Try and get― - Go, go, go, go, go, go.
(CHEERING)
- Go! Go, Mel!
Oh, Mel! (SHOUTS) (CRACK!) - MEL: (SHRIEKS)
(SHRIEKS) (SPLAT!) (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
- SHRIEKS: Go, Mel! Turn! Turn! Turn! - I'm trying! (CRACK!)
- Turn, go, move!
(THUNK! TITTERING) - (WHIMPERS)
(CHEERING) - READS: 'You're my favourite himbo'?
- That is their third compliment. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Well done, you guys.
Come on down. We'll clean this mess up, and we'll score it.
(MUSICAL FLOURISH)
Please, sit on down.
We need to score that task.
What a shocking mess, you lot. Goodness gracious.
Ray and Mel, I think you took so long to do it and the driving was so appalling
that I think you only deserve three. - OK.
- And I think your team deserves two. - Yep. Thank you.
- So, we have another tie. Both on 17 points, Mel and Ray.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
That means for the second time this season, we're gonna have another tie breaker.
Here it is.
- (SIGHS)
- Oh, no. This is long.
- READS: 'Lie down.
- 'You may only speak in English for the duration of the task.
- 'You may not say the word spaghetti more than once.
- 'If you wear any additional hats, your points will be halved for each hat you put on.
- 'If you go swimming, you will be eliminated.
- 'If you bring any harm to native flora or fauna, you must apologise to them before continuing.
- 'If you sit on a chair, you will lose two points.
- 'You must not consume any caffeine at any time,
'as that may affect your speed and give you an unfair advantage.
- 'You are allowed to hurt Paul's feelings, but you aren't allowed to cross the line.
- 'If you have any questions about the task, you may ask them now.
- 'You must wear the clothes you are wearing now at all times.
- 'Fastest to lie down wins'!
Oh, Jesus.
I can't― I'm bad at reading.
- READS: 'If you commit a crime while attempting the task,
'you'll be tried by a court of law and judged by a jury of your peers
'and will potentially be sent to jail.'
Not if the crime, I think, is worth three years or less in prison, I believe.
In New Zealand, you don't get a jury trial unless it's for a significant crime.
I believe that was a rule change by the Key government. - OK.
- I used to work for the Department of Corrections. - Oh, right.
- READS: 'If you have any questions about the task you may ask them now. Fastest to lie downwins.
'Your time started when you―' Oh.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Stop the clock. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- So, I should say ― while the tasks were different, exact same letter count in both ofthem.
- OK. - Ray obviously did add a few letters.
- Not only did I fact-check you, but I went back, and I was wrong. (LAUGHTER)
- OK. Ray ― one minute 46.
Mel ― one minute...
That's the end of the sentence. - One minute. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
OK, congratulations, Mel.
Get up on that stage and start bragging about your braggable items. Congratulations.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Another successful episode down, with...
some less-than-successful task attempts.
We learnt that 60% of Taskmaster divorces end in murder. (LAUGHTER)
Most importantly, we learnt that Mel is the winner of episode six! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Thank you so much for watching. We'll see you next time.
('TASKMASTER' THEME)
Captions by Rebecca Scholtz. Edited by Sally Harper.
- This is so long!
Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.
www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2023
- SQUEAKS: Hey, Paul!
- Really was one of the most uncomfortable things
I've ever seen in my life.
- Name's Ray. Cool Ray.
- Cool Ray?
- These guys have been calling me that backstage.
Oh yeah, Paul, come on. (LAUGHTER)