(WHEEL CLICKS)
- Chee-hoo!
- (TYPES)
- (LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
- (BURPS)
- Shame.
- ENGLISH ACCENT: All right?
- Whee!
- Argh!
- (GIGGLES)
- (GASPS)
- Whoo!
- Say 'cheese'. - Cheese.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2023.
(DING!)
- Kia ora koutou, and welcome to Taskmaster. My name's Jeremy Wells,
and I have spent the last few decades in a monastery at the foot of the Songshan Mountains,...
- (LAUGHTER) - ...training with Shaolin monks,
to understand the true nature of man.
I've climbed the highest mountains,
achieved total spiritual enlightenment,
and after years of struggle, I've now earned the right
to call myself the taskmaster.
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
Before me are five comedians on the
bones of their arses. - (LAUGHTER)
Tonight, we'll be watching them attempt a series of ridiculous tasks,
and I will award them points based on my own fickle whims.
Risking life and limb is our magnificent season four cast ―
Bubbah,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Dai Henwood,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Karen O'Leary,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Mel Bracewell... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...and Ray O'Leary!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE, WHISTLING) By my side, as always,
is a man who once told me in confidence
that he's never felt truly connected to another human being.
(LAUGHTER) Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Williams.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- I've actually prepared a poem that I wrote.
- I'd love to hear it. - OK.
Jeremy. Oh, Jeremy.
Chills when you stare at me. (LAUGHTER)
I'd love your chair to be nearer me.
Your smile is an audience cheering me...
on. And that's the end of the poem.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- That is genuinely the nicest poem anyone's ever written about me ―
theonlypoem anyone's ever written about me; definitely the nicest.
Paul, what are we tackling first? - A prize task. So, tonight,
our contestants have been asked to bring in
the best gift for their 12-year-old self.
- Great. This will be an interesting bit of self-reflection for a lot of our comedians, I'msure.
Mel, what gift have you bought in?
- I have brought in my current full New Zealand driver's licence.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING) - May I ask you,
what would your 12-year-old self do with your full driver's license?
- Legally drive on the streets of New Zealand.
- So when you were 12, you could drive a car?
- Absolutely not. (LAUGHTER) But legally,...
yes. (LAUGHTER)
- Karen, what did you bring in? - What I would really love for my 12-year-old self
was to have a bit more confidence, to get rid of those multiple,
multiple layers of insecurity that I had.
So I brought in something that I think would help me shine the brightest that I could
as a 12-year-old. And it's this.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Who doesn't love a disco ball at a party?
But imagine if youarethe party. - At this party that you're going to,
I'll be sober driver. - Yeah, you can be!
And I think the point is, you know, the party is what you want it to be,
so if you wanna party by yourself, that's cool too.
But I wanna wear that helmet when I was 12,
and I reckon I'd have been way cooler.
- Bubbah, what did you bring in for your 12 year-old-self?
- This is my second choice that I had to bring in,
because they didn't allow me the first one,...
(LAUGHTER) ...because it was an unregistered pistol.
(LAUGHTER)
I was thinking about 12-year-old me,
and sitting in my classroom at lunchtime talking to the teacher,
cos I had no lunch. (LAUGHS)
So I brought myself a mean-as lunch.
- ALL: Oh! - Yeah! (APPLAUSE)
- What's in your lunch? - So, in my lunch, for my entree,
I've got calamari. And then for my main,
I have steak, veggies and mash. And then for my dessert,
I've got creme brulee. - ALL: Oh!
- You didn't think maybe you'd want to give yourself a year's supply of lunches?
- (LAUGHTER) - Well, that's what the gun was for,
but... (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Dai, what did you bring in? - As a 12-year-old,
I had a moustache. I looked quite like a student teacher.
So this is what I'd like to bring in.
It is a shaving kit with a high-end razor.
(LAUGHTER) This has up to one blade on it.
(LAUGHTER) And the reason was,
I was quite a confused individual.
The fact that I had facial hair made me think I was a bit old.
I had various things running through my head.
In fact, literally just before this, my mother sent me a photo.
She's cleaning out the house,
and this is what she found in my closet.
(LAUGHTER)
- What?!
What is that?! - It's quite disturbing. (LAUGHTER)
So I feel if I shaved,
I might act more like a normal child.
- I wanna see the artwork for your father.
(LAUGHTER) - Ray, what did you bring in?
- I have brought in a children's chemistry set,
uh, and the formula for the Covid vaccine.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
- So you're planning on giving this to your 12-year-old self?
- Yeah. Mostly to make money. (LAUGHTER)
It'll save a few lives, I assume, but it's mostly about the money.
- Wouldn't have been easier just to give yourself a sports almanac,
a la Biff Tanner? - Sorry ― what's a sports almanac?
- (LAUGHTER) - It's a Back to the Future reference.
It doesn't matter ― it was before your time.
- Oh yeah. - Doesn't matter. - (LAUGHTER)
OK. (LAUGHTER)
I think Mel gets one point. That's pretty damn obvious.
(LAUGHTER)
I can't work out whether yours is either genius or
one of the stupidest things I've ever seen, Ray, so I'll give you two points,
and then there's some sympathy votes that are going on over here.
(LAUGHTER) I got to say.
- I was so poor. - (LAUGHTER) - It's just a case of who gets what.
Oh, so I've just given you each three points. - (GIGGLES)
Yeah.
(LAUGHS) - That's enough pleasantries ―
let's get to the unpleasantries. Paul, what have you got for me?
- I will now make a task appear before your very eyes.
- Oh no.
- (GASPS) - Hello, Mel.
- Kia ora, Paul. - Kia ora, Karen.
- Hello.
- Good to see you.
Hello, Ray. - Hello. Makes me feel like
one of Hannibal Lecter's meals he's preserved for later.
- Are you a fan of magic? - No. It really,
really doesn't impress me.
Oh, you pulled a bunny out of your hat. So? Cool.
- Where's the envelope? - It's in the hat.
- I'm scared. Is there someone in there? (GASPS) Feel like it's gonna grab me.
- Have you ever worked on a farm? - (LAUGHTER)
- Mm-mm. - You should put your hand in this hat.
That's what it feels like.
- What are you doing? - Showing everyone how the trick works.
(LAUGHTER) - That's not what you're supposed to do.
- Well, I'm a magician that doesn't play by the rules.
- Whoa! - READS: Do magic.
- READS: You cannot use editing trickery.
- READS: Most magical magic wins.
- READS: 'You have 40 minutes.' That's a long time for the magic tricks I know.
- And your time...
starts...
now. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
- All right, Paul ― I'm ready to have my mind blown.
Who's up first? - Abraca Mel
Bracewell-a-kazam. It's Mel Bracewell.
(LAUGHTER)
- Hello. I'm Mystical Melanie,
and this is my magical wand.
(LAUGHTER)
Ta-da!
I'm going to use this magical wand
to make an apple hover
from this hat, and then I will slice it in half.
Ah!
I am ama...
Oh! (LAUGHTER) Exactly when I planned to do it.
Bon appetit. - Thank you,... Magical Mel? - Mystical.
- Mystical Mel. - Thank you.
(APPLAUSE)
- That was brilliant. - Yeah, amazing.
- Thank you! - Really? Really? Amazing?
Wow. I would call that half-hearted at best.
I can't wait to see your two. (LAUGHTER)
Wow. Mystical Mel.
Wouldn't Magical Mel have been better?
- I took a name that I had as a child.
I used to do magic shows for my friends.
It would be, you know, I'm gonna disappear ― it was very shit on purpose.
But that was, um... I decided to change tack and go really good.
(LAUGHTER) - It's time to make ourselves disappear,
but don't worry ― we'll be back in a couple of minutes.
We'll see you soon.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Taskmaster. Before the break,
we saw a non-magician attempt a magic trick.
It went about as well as you'd expect.
And now we're gonna try it four more times.
Who's up next, Paul? - Abra-Karen-Dai-bra.
That wasn't super-clear, but it's Karen and Dai. (LAUGHTER)
- Welcome. Welcome. I hear it's your birthday. Is that right?
- No. - Yes. You're turning 4 today, and it's your party.
And lucky for you and your friends,
your lovely parents have invited me to come along.
I'm Krusty the Karen, and I've got some very special magic for you today.
- Art.
Magic.
Performance.
- See this coin?
It's still there.
- Wow.
(LAUGHTER)
- Gone. - Two little dickybirds sitting on a wall ―
one named Peter, one named?
Paul. Fly away, Peter.
Fly away, Paul. Come back, Peter.
Come back, Paul.
WHISPERS: Where did they go?
- My guess is it's winter and they're flying somewhere warmer,
and then they're coming back. - Yeah, andthat'smagic.
- (GARGLES)
(LAUGHTER)
(GARGLES) (PAINTBRUSH CLATTERS)
- The camera's over that side.
- It's a rabbit! - It's terrifying.
- Could you now look up the word 'magician'? It's on, um,
page 1559,
I believe. - I don't think that's right,
cos this is 'O's.
- The paintbrush.
Art. Magic.
Philanthropy.
- (LAUGHTER) - SQUEAKS: Hey, Paul.
Have a happy birthday.
- My birthday's not till August.
- SQUEAKS: OK. See you then.
- Ooh.
- That's magic.
- Boop.
(LAUGHTER)
(WHIRRS)
(APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING)
- Karen, I'm not sure whether magic's all about,
at the end of doing a really, really lame trick, then just going,
'And that's magic.' - That's what Paul Daniels said, and it worked for him,
and it worked for me when I was an early childhood teacher for 21 years.
5-year-olds know nothing, 4-year-olds even less, 3-year-olds ―
no idea. (LAUGHTER)
- Couldn't tell which was sadder, actually ― your performance
or the fact that Paul had no friends at his birthday party.
- (LAUGHTER) - It was accurate. - (LAUGHTER)
- No, no, that's a joke. I have friends ―
(LAUGHTER) Chandler, Phoebe,...
(LAUGHTER) Ross.
(LAUGHTER)
- Dai, you could really sense
your feeling about magic in that performance, I've gotta say. - Yeah.
The fact that I did such high-quality magic hurt me,
- in a way. - He also didn't use half of his time ―
he left quite early.
(LAUGHTER)
- I'm ready for another amateur magician, Paul, but no more wordplay, please.
- It's too late. Abraca-Bubbah, alakazam.
It's Bubbah.
- The Amazing, The Talented Bubbsy Wubbsy!
Chee-hoo!
- ALL: Ooh!
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(LAUGHTER)
- Ta-da! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Thanks for watching
Taskmaster's Toodeloo.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- That was genuine ― you got two tricks for the price of one there.
- That first disappear was very good.
- Thank you. - And the reappear was so swift.
(LAUGHTER)
- The jiggling was the only weird bit.
(LAUGHTER) - The magician told me that the
noise of her magic needed to be
masked with some jiggling. (LAUGHTER) Yeah.
- That's because when I reappeared, my ass jiggled too loud,
so I wanted him to cover that. (LAUGHTER)
- Now, if there's one contestant on Taskmaster New Zealand
who I would expect to actually know some magic tricks,
it would probably be our last comedian.
- I can tell you right now, he doesn't. (LAUGHTER)
Here's abracadab-Ray.
- My first thought is, um, Disneyland.
It's the most magical place on Earth.
(TINKLY MUSIC)
Wow! I can't believe we're going to Raysneyland,
the most magical place on Earth.
Wow. I can't believe we're on roller-opolis,
the most Greek roller coaster in the world.
Oh. Oh no. Oh, and we're going left. Whoa!
Oh, and, oh, here's the Parthenon.
Wow! It's so Greek.
Whee! - Whee!
(LAUGHTER)
BOTH: Whee!
- Whoa, really? It's free, sir?
Oh, wow, this really is the most magical place on Earth.
Authentic Greek popcorn.
- Is the whole park Greek-themed? - (CHUCKLES) Yeah. Yeah, it is. Yeah.
(LAUGHTER) Yeah. We gotta go to the Greek tea cups now.
- Okay. - Yeah. Ooh, ooh! Magic!
Whoa. I love the teacup ride. (LAUGHTER)
- Whee!
- I'm having the most magical time with you, Paul.
- Thank you.
Oh my goodness. It's Rickey Rouse. (LAUGHTER)
Rickey Rouse, could I please have a photo with you?
- All right, kid. I'm on my lunch break.
- Say cheese. - Cheese.
Go enjoy the rest of the park. I'm gonna have the rest of my smoko.
- Thanks, Ricky.
- Was that a Make A Wish kid?
I got a wish ― for my bloody shift to end.
(APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER, CHEERING)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- So Raysneyland is a Greek-themed...
(LAUGHTER)
...theme park, the happiest place on Earth?
- No, that's the thing, is that he kept calling it the most magical place on Earth,
as if that's the slogan for Disneyland, which it isn't ―
it's the happiest place on Earth.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
- Yeah, but that's Disneyland ― we went to Raysneyland,
which is the most magical place on Earth.
- I'm just thinking, like, how long did Dai's take to film approximately?
- It was short ― no more than 10 minutes.
- How long did Ray's take? - The whole time, yeah. Yeah.
(LAUGHTER) - It's a lot of effort for one point.
(LAUGHTER)
Dai, no effort from you ― two points. - Oh, fair enough.
- Tiny bit of effort from Karen ― three points.
- Yes. - Mystical Mel ― at least she did a trick.
Mel gets four points for that. - (LAUGHS) Oh my God.
- And old Bubba Wubba was pretty good, I reckon. Five points for her. - ALL: Yeah.
- Yeah. - That was actually...
It was impressive. It was great.
- So that means out in first, on eight points,
it's Bubbah. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- I'll tell you what ― I am a task addict,
and I'm starting to have withdrawals; it must be time for another hit.
- Sure thing, Jeremy. Wait. Uh-oh.
We've found ourselves up Task Creek
with a paddle.
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)
(WHOOSH!)
- Hey, Paul. - Hello, Dai.
- Hello, Paul. - Hi, Paul. - Hello, Paul.
- We're gonna play ping pong with different things.
- Play a lot of table tennis, do you?
- No. - Ping-pong, if you will.
- READS: Win one point in table tennis against Paul.
- READS: If Paul scores a point against you,
you'll be penalised with a penalty of your choice.
- READS: You may not choose the same penalty twice in a row.
- READS: Fastest to score a point wins. Your time starts when Paul serves the ball.
- READS: I don't really understand the penalise situation.
Oh, penalties. I should have just read that, I suppose.
Put on a jacket, replace your racquet.
Make Paul a crustless peanut-butter and jam sandwich and cut it into triangles.
- Oh, I don't like three.
- You don't like sandwiches? - I don't like having to do things for other people.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- So, just to go over the penalties ― add a jacket,
make me a crustless peanut-butter-and-jam sandwich
or switch your racket for another racket.
I then put their old racket in the bin.
That's the end of that sentence. - (LAUGHTER) - Who should we watch first, Paul?
- Up first, Mel and Karen.
- This is scary. Are you quite good?
(BLEEP) Arse. (LAUGHTER)
- (BLEEP) you. - I'm gonna change my racket.
- Putting on a jacket.
- I think I'm gonna look spiffing.
- Getting a biscuit.
- Far out! God damn you, table!
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
- But you had it so firm.
- Ace.
- The annoying thing is that someone's gonna get it first try,
and I'm making you a freaking sandwich,
like a little bitch.
(LAUGHTER)
- Another penalty, please.
(LAUGHTER)
- No!
- Triangles, please. - Yeah, I know that.
- OK. That's really encumbered me.
- Great!
(LAUGHTER)
- Yes! (LAUGHS) - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- (LAUGHS) - (LAUGHTER)
(CHEERS) (APPLAUSE) - That was invigorating.
- Took a while, but I got there in the end. - Thank you, Mel.
- Thanks, Paul. - Bye, Karen. - Thank you.
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
- (BOTH LAUGH)
- Oh man. - Given the current climate,
how do you think it looks that you were making women make you sandwiches on national television?
- (LAUGHTER) - Not good.
- (LAUGHTER) - How did we go in terms of timing, Paul?
- OK, so Karen, eight minutes 19.
Mel, two minutes 40.
- (BOTH LAUGH) - Jesus. Whoa.
- They made me look heaps better on that video.
(LAUGHTER) - I thought Mel was just as shit as I am.
(LAUGHTER) - Who needs Sky Sport,
when we've got all the high-octane sports action you need right here?
More thrilling Taskmaster ping-pong coming up after these messages.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Nau mai, hoki mai, welcome back to Taskmaster,
where comedians are playing table tennis,
in order to get their hands on the Covid-19 vaccine recipe.
(LAUGHTER) Paul, where were we?
- Our contestants have been tasked with gaining one
ping-pong point against the Taskmaster's assistant,
who is me, Paul. (LAUGHTER)
- We've already seen you take on Karen and Mel ―
who are you competing against next, Paul. - Hope you're a fan of R & B,
Jeremy, cos it's time for Ray and Bubbah.
- I know you're gonna be good at this.
- I don't like the way you're posing ― it makes it sound like... you seem way too intense.
Should we have just a friendly game?
- Hello, Ray. - Hey, Paul. - How are you today?
- I'm good, thank you. Oh! I'm really good.
How are you going, man? This is all right, isn't it?
This is a little bit of fun between friends.
Come on.
(LAUGHTER)
- Oh shit. (LAUGHS) This one's cool.
- Well, it's a great shade.
- (BLEEP)!
- Oh. - You're such a big baby, bro.
- Thank you, Ray. - You're welcome. - There ― get it yourself.
- Thank you. - (LAUGHTER)
- Oh no.
(LAUGHTER)
Paul, your jackets. (LAUGHTER)
All right. It's all good.
Oh no! Paul, come on!
(LAUGHTER)
- (LAUGHS) - You're going frontways? - Yup.
(LAUGHTER) Can you tell me you're serving it? - Where do you want it?
- Maybe around here. - OK.
- You're such an asshole. (LAUGHS)
- Oh.
Oh. Good heavens.
(LAUGHTER)
- You dropped a jacket. - Oh, did I? Sorry.
I'm starting to feel like maybe too many jackets.
- You're pre-mixing peanut butter in the jam? - Yeah. Yeah. What does it matter?
It's just you eating it. - You're now ripping the crusts off with your hands.
I feel like the quality of the sandwiches is deteriorating.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Oh, that feels so good!
I can't believe I did it.
- (LAUGHTER) - I won!
I won! (LAUGHTER)
Shame.
- (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) - Oh!
- There was a lot of swearing going on. Bubbah, you used the F-word,
you called Paul an A-hole. (LAUGHTER)
Then I heard you say, 'Good heavens.'
(LAUGHTER)
What were the times in the end? - So, Bubbah,
17 minutes 33. (LAUGHTER)
- Shut up. - (LAUGHTER)
- Ray, 18 minutes 23. - ALL: Oh.
- I mean, you weren't playing Andre Agassi or anything ― you were playing Paul.
- My dad actually went to the world champs for table tennis.
- Did he? - Yeah. - And my dad went to the world
champions for peanut butter and jelly sandwich making, so...
- And my dad left.
(LAUGHTER)
It's all right ― I'm healed. I'm healed. (LAUGHTER)
- So it looks like Dai has been saved for last,
and that usually means one of two things here on Taskmaster ―
he's either going to be really, really good at this or really,
really bad. - It's the question on everyone's lips,
Jeremy ― will he be Dai Hen bad or Dai Hen good?
(LAUGHTER) It's Dai Henwood. (LAUGHTER)
Are you ready? - Yeah.
So it's a point to me, correct?
- Correct. (APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER)
- So I just got a point, eh? So that was the task.
- Correct.
(LAUGHTER) - Can I make you a peanut butter and jam sandwich anyway?
- That's OK.
(LAUGHTER)
- Thank you, Dai. (LAUGHTER) - Thanks.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
- You know, this is the fourth season of Taskmaster,
and we've never seen someone so good at the task that they're confused
that they've even completed the task. - (LAUGHTER)
- Throughout my life, I've always played ping-pong
in quite a highly inebriated state,
so when I played it sober, it was like I was in The Matrix.
(LAUGHTER)
- You completed the task quicker
than Ray trying to just put the rack back up.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- So, how long did Dai play with you for?
- 2.1 seconds.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- So how does that go for points? - So that's one point for Ray,
two for Bubbah, three points for Karen,
four points for Mel and five points for Dai Henwood. (APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
- Well deserved. Well deserved.
- Time for another task.
Paul? - OK, Boomer. No cap.
This task is giving lit. It is GOATed with the sauce,
and that's on God, fam.
(LAUGHTER)
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)
(MUSIC FADES)
(LAUGHTER) - Hello?
- Hi. - Hello.
(LAUGHTER)
- Paul, you've changed.
- Gidday. I'm Dai. Lovely to meet you. - Hi. Nice to meet you too.
- Who are you? - I'm Pearl.
- Where's Paul? - WHISPERS: I don't know.
- Do you know what I'm supposed to do now? - Don't you know?
- Do you know what the task is? - Mm-hm. - What's the task?
- It's here. - Oh! - (LAUGHTER)
- Thanks so much.
- You wouldn't have seen this ― I've got this cool way of opening it,
like that. (LAUGHTER)
Well, this is getting off to a bad start already.
READS: Make this teenager think you're cool.
- Oh no. - (LAUGHTER)
- READS: You have 10 minutes to talk to the teenager.
- READS: Then 10 further minutes to be cool.
- READS: Most cool wins.
- My time starts now.
- What do you think is cool? - I don't know.
- Oh, that does make things difficult.
- What if I showed you my TikTok account?
I did it for a while ― I dressed up as the Prime Minister.
- Yeah, I did see that. - You did see that? - Yeah.
- What do you think of that? - I kind of just, like, scrolled past it.
(LAUGHTER) - Yeah, yeah, that's great.
- Did you know, I used to be a teacher for 21 years? - Really? That's cool.
- Is that cool? - Oh, wait. I didn't think that sentence through.
- Sure. - Would you rate me the highest if I gave you some money?
- I'm not allowed to get bribed. - What if some weed fell into your pocket?
(LAUGHTER) Would you be into that? - (LAUGHS) No.
- I'm so out of my depth. I don't know how to be cool.
- What do you like doing? - Hanging out with my friends.
- What do you guys do together? - Go on a bus to the mall, and then,
like, go on public transport anywhere. - OK. Public transport is cool.
- Do you play Clash of Clans?
- No. - It's sick. I've got a skux village.
(LAUGHTER)
- (WHISTLE BLOWS) - Argh! (LAUGHTER)
- What up, Pearl? - Oh, hi, Paul. - What the hell?
(LAUGHTER)
- Oh, whatever! - Mel, your 10 minutes starts now.
- (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) - OK.
- So stressful. - Ray,
you and Mel looked genuinely freaked out. - (LAUGHTER)
What was the problem? - This was the task that after completing,
I didn't care how I went ― all I was looking forward to was watching Ray do it.
(LAUGHTER)
- I distinctly remember asking her in the room,
'What do you think about the Chilean constitutional crisis?'
(LAUGHTER)
- Bubbah, we need to address something here ―
you attempted or suggested that maybe you could place some weed in her pocket.
- (LAUGHTER) - Yeah, but she didn't take it. She's a pussy.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- OK. I'm fascinated to know how our comedians approached this one,
Paul. - You got it, Jeremy.
These guys understood the assignment.
It's Dai and Ray.
(LAUGHTER)
- What up?
Name's Ray ―
Cool Ray.
- Hey, Paul. 'Sup, Pearl? (LAUGHTER)
- I'm just gonna sit here and smoke a...
cool cigarette,...
which I do frequently.
- You do a lot of dance videos?
(LAUGHTER)
- (COUGHS) (LAUGHTER)
(COUGHS) Oh, that's smooth and smoky.
- You ever seen a grown man cartwheel?
(LAUGHTER) Like it was nothing.
- (COUGHS)
(LAUGHTER)
(COUGHS) Enjoying my cigarette.
Your parents probably don't even let you do this, but, you know, I can do whatever I like.
I don't give a damn. - You've got seven minutes and 40 seconds.
- It feels like time's slowing down, Paul. - Mm-hm.
- It's stressful, cos I'm sort of running out of cool things to do.
- Oh, it's getting quite hot as well, actually ― quite close to my fingers.
That's good. That's smooth.
- If I had my iPad here with Clash of Clans on it,
and I played it, but now you don't have my village.
- I could download it. - No, but then I'd have to log in with my account,
and you could muck with my village and stuff, and that's not cool.
(LAUGHTER) - (COUGHS)
(LAUGHTER) Oh, there's some paper in there.
(COUGHS)
- So, I'm a level three barbarian. I've got lots of arches.
I've got the skeleton guy with the bomb.
Please say this is someone coming to save me.
- (COUGHS) Oh, so,
I'll just put it out, maybe. I just feel like doing that. Yeah, I had enough.
I had enough. - You've got 20 seconds.
- (LAUGHTER) - I feel I went into that too early, eh.
- Five seconds. - Great meeting you.
- (LAUGHTER) - (BLOWS WHISTLE)
- Do I have to now make, like, some kind of legal disclaimer that smoking actually isn'tcool?
- Are you worried that you made smoking seem too cool?
(LAUGHTER) - Yeah, that's my fear. And that we won't be allowed to broadcast it.
- Peace out. - Thanks, Paul. Thanks, Pearl. (APPLAUSE)
- Oh my God. - It is the ultimate humiliation, isn't it?
- Cool Ray? - Aw.
- Yeah. Yeah, it's just something, you know, I think these guys have been calling me that,
you know, backstage, and, you know, just a name. I mean,
Paul, come on.
- (LAUGHTER) - I love that.
It's, like, we're worried about the vaping crisis, but in Ray's mind,
there are kids at school smoking A4.
(LAUGHTER)
- Dai. So, your idea of, kind of,
cool is some kind of Bart Simpson character,
who skateboards through the middle of a situation?
(LAUGHTER) - Yeah, but the thing is,
I had style on the skateboard.
I did a pretty skux cartwheel. (LAUGHTER)
- Let's take a break, while I research how to give myself partial amnesia.
Here's some ads. We'll see in a moment.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Taskmaster. It's lovely to have you with us. Where are we up to, Paul?
- Our comedians have been trying to get a teen to think they're cool.
- I do not envy whoever has to try and be cooler than Cool Ray.
(LAUGHTER)
- Up next ― they have over 350,000 TikTok followers
between them, and one of them doesn't have TikTok ―
it's Karen and Mel. (LAUGHTER)
- Yeah, so I need a whiteboard. You don't need the phone.
No phones in the classroom. - You're banning the phone?
- Nah, I'm not banning the phone ― that would be totally uncool.
- This could be the window of our bus. - You're gonna make a bus?
- You like going on public transport.
- I'd like to say welcome to both of you ―
Pearl, hello.
Paul. - Present.
- Sorry. Um, do you have money? - Yeah, I've got my HOP card. - You got your HOP card?
- Oh, nah, I didn't pack it. - You didn't pack it? I'm a cool bus driver,
and I let people on to the bus for free. Come on in.
- I bought some snacks. Have you had something to eat?
- I'm not hungry. - You want some lollies? - OK.
I like when the bus is, like, really crowded, because then there's so many different people,
and it's really funny sometimes if someone gets kicked off the bus.
- Can I get ― if there's any crew ―
what's your favourite food?
- (COUGHS) - Excuse me.
We're in a pandemic, and you're coughing all over these people;
you're causing a danger to everyone around you, and I want you to get off this bus.
Get out of here. Bus is moving.
He died. (LAUGHTER)
- So, I noticed when you said hello to Paul, you did a really cool handshake thing,...
- Mm-hm. - ...so I think we should just make our own handshake.
How's it gonna go? Boom.
(LAUGHTER) Is that it?
- Do you like lollies? - Yep.
- You haven't had dinner ― we're having dessert first.
- Oh my gosh. Yay. (LAUGHTER)
- RAPS: # Sometimes you think that someone's a fool.
# Actually, they're really, really cool.
# Pearl is here. She's learning all day. I think she's really cool.
# I don't know if she's gay. It doesn't matter anyway. #
(LAUGHS) There you go.
- (BLOWS WHISTLE) - Did you enjoy that? - Yeah.
- I'm glad.
- (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Karen, so, you wanted a teenager to think that you were cool,
so you made yourself a teacher and sent her to school?
(LAUGHTER) - She said to me that she thought her teacher was really cool.
And I said, 'Oh, do you think teachers are cool?' She said, 'Yes.'
So then I went with the only thing I actually know,
other than being a high-grade celebrity, which is teaching. (LAUGHTER)
- How did you think the handshake went down?
- (LAUGHTER)
- I mean, to be fair, she wasn't the best at it. (LAUGHTER)
- Mel, you decided to be a cool bus driver?
- (LAUGHTER) - No, she really threw me,
because I thought I knew the youth of today.
And she was just so excited about the idea of a bus. - I spoke to Pearl after,
and she said she found it quite weird that Mel got so fixated on the public transport.
(LAUGHTER)
- Everything I said, she said, 'Not cool.'
And then she went, 'Oh, yeah, me and my friends go on the bus to the mall,'
and then the wheels on the bus in my brain started moving.
- Talking to her afterwards, she said the funnest part was the mall.
(LAUGHTER)
- OK. Who's up last tonight,
Paul? - Of our contestants, she was most recently a teenager ―
it's Bubbah. - (LAUGHS)
- Are you ripping up the task? - Yeah. Not cos I'm nervous.
Cos I don't care. - You're gonna have 10 minutes to try and―
- Nah. - What, you're not gonna do anything?
- Nah. - You mentioned at least giving her some money.
- Oh, she didn't take it, and I didn't care that she didn't take it.
What a bitch. - (LAUGHTER)
- Did you just call Pearl a bitch? - (LAUGHS)
I'm so sorry. (LAUGHTER)
I don't care who thinks I'm cool and who doesn't.
And to some people, that might come out as cool.
- Do you think Pearl might think that's cool?
- Pearl can go (BLEEP). (LAUGHTER)
- What's the click? - I'm off. I'm out. See how I didn't give a shit there, Pearl?
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Great strategy. - Nothing like a bit of reverse psychology.
Did you think it paid off? - No, I didn't give a shit, for real.
- (LAUGHTER) - At one stage, you called her a bitch.
- And in hindsight, I'm really glad your 12-year-old self didn't have a pistol.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Yeah, I think definitely one point for Mel on the bus ― that was just weird.
And then two points for Karen and the school.
- That was less cool than smoking a piece of paper?
(LAUGHTER)
- If cool Ray isn't cool, then how come everyone calls him Cool Ray?
(LAUGHTER)
- Three points for Dai.
- Cool Ray?! What?!
- (LAUGHTER) - I mean, I'm struggling here, all right?
Look at what I'm working with. (LAUGHTER)
Four points for Cool Ray.
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - (COUGHS)
- (LAUGHTER) - And Bubbah was genuinely cool ―
I'll give her five. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- I cannot believe that. - Now that we've locked in the youth demographic,...
(LAUGHTER) ...I think it's time to sell them some products.
More Taskmaster after this.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING APPLAUSE)
Welcome back. It's nice to have you with us.
We're about to begin our last task of the evening,
but not before having a little squiz at the old scoreboard.
Paul, how are we looking? - In last place is Ray with eight,
but out in first with 15 ― Bubbah.
- (CHEERING) - Yeah!
(APPLAUSE) - Well,
anyone can still win this...
apart from Ray. - (LAUGHTER)
You guys wanna head to the stage for the final live task.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Karen, please take the podium to read the task.
- READS: 'Select a trophy and make an acceptance speech at the podium
'that includes the word written on the bottom of your trophy.
'If the taskmaster correctly guesses your word,
'you will be eliminated. If nobody's word is guessed,
'the weakest acceptance speech will be eliminated.
'Speeches will get shorter with each round.
- 'The last player standing wins.' Thank you.
- OK, we're gonna go in the reverse order that you sit in.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Oh, thank you.
It was an honour to be here at the Burger Awards for my innovative burger,
made of skunks and rabbits and deer and venison...
and pigs and ointments.
- (BLOWS WHISTLE) - Burger. - (BUZZ!)
- My time in the circus, I can't say it's been an easy ride.
When I got tangled up in the elephant's trunk,
when I almost died on the trapeze and on the trampoline ―
that was the toughest. - Elephant
- (BUZZ) - Obviously, I'm excited to be here to accept this cooking award.
The fact that I've won this award for my culinary skills in both fettuccine,
spaghetti, bolognese, lasagne,
and especially my meat-sauce - Spaghetti. - (BUZZ!)
- A lot of people out there think menstruation and fast cars don't go together.
- (LAUGHTER) - But I've loved cars,
from tail to snout,
from soup to nuts, from Edam to cheddar.
The fact that I get to start races because― - (BLOWS WHISTLE)
- Menstruation. - (BUZZ!) - Things, folks ―
people of the land and, uh, things of the sea.
Here I am with the big pufferfish.
Whoa. Don't be a calamari, you scallop.
(LAUGHTER)
- (BLOWS WHISTLE) - (LAUGHS)
- Scallop? - Argh! (LAUGHTER)
- Bubbah has been eliminated. Ray O'Leary.
- Thank you so much for the Astrological Society, as I am a Pisces,
but I'd like to shout out to all my other star signs, Aries,
Sagittarius, Gemini, Cancer. - (BLOWS WHISTLE)
- (LAUGHTER) - Pisces. - (BUZZ!)
- It's special to be here in Blenheim to win my...
Denim Award,
for the...
semen that I've drunk.
(LAUGHTER)
- (BLOWS WHISTLE) - Semen. - (BUZZ!)
- I'm so happy to be here, cos I won the amazing best travel show in the whole history of television.
I've been to some amazing places. I've been to South Africa. I've been to Namibia, Zambia.
I've been to the place with the lemurs, what that's called, that one,
that's in the movie? Madagascar. I've been to Tanzania and also Ghana.
- (BLOWS WHISTLE) - They dance well over there. - Tanzania.
- (BUZZ!) - I work in a bakery in the morning,
usually doing cinnamon scrolls, all sorts of loaf. - (BLOWS WHISTLE)
- Cinnamon scrolls. - (BUZZ!) - Taskmaster,
who had the worst speech of that round?
- Dai. - Yeah. - (LAUGHTER)
- Your speech time is now 10 seconds.
- It's an honour to be here in Blenheim, and recognised for all the semen I've drunk.
I had a big sleep, a big nap before I came here,
and boy, are my arms tired!
And the pillow was― - (BLOWS WHISTLE) - Pillow.
- I know that this is a Sauntering Awards for the best kind of walk.
Some people go with a jig, some people go with a skip,
but for me, it's a plod. - (BLOWS WHISTLE)
- Jig. - (BUZZ!) - Yeah, amazing to be here,
at the Tradie Awards. Obviously, I've been a tradie for a while ― kitchens;
you know, it's bathrooms, it's tiling, it's grouting, it's doing all your plumbing.
Anything you need, I can do it. - (BLOWS WHISTLE)
- Kitchen. - (BUZZ!) - Who had the worst speech?
- Karen. - Oh what?! - (LAUGHTER)
- We're down to our final two, Ray and Melanie,
and I'm lowering the time to five seconds.
- Acquire, acquiesce, aquarium ―
these are just some of the words that come to mind as I win the...
- (BLOWS WHISTLE) - ...Best Penis Award. - (LAUGHTER)
- Aquarium. - (BUZZ!) - Oh, just pussyfoot...
- (LAUGHTER) - ...and other things that you find―
- (BLOWS WHISTLE) - Pussyfoot.
- (DING!) - Yeah, I reckon that you're right. - (LAUGHTER)
- That means the winner of the task is Cool Ray.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Come on down, everyone, and we'll score it.
(APPLAUSE)
How did everyone go, Paul? - So, one point for Bubbah,
two points for Dai, three points for Karen, four points for Mel,
and five points for Cool Ray.
(CHEERING)
- How's our overall series scores looking?
- It's tight. It's really tight.
In first place by only four points,
it's Melanie Bracewell.
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - OK.
Well, more importantly,
who is taking home the spoils tonight?
- With 16 points, the winner of episode seven,
Bubbah!
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Yeah!
- Oh my God! - Congratulations, Bubbah.
Go and enjoy your prizes and make your 12-year-old self proud.
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - (LAUGHS)
- In the words of Shania Twain, it looks like we made it.
We learned that the best way to stump a comedian is to get them to
attempt a sport or try to seem cool. - (LAUGHTER)
And most importantly, we learned that Bubbah is the winner of episode
seven! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Ka kite, everybody. We'll see you next time.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - I won! (LAUGHS) I won! Is it real? (GASPS)
Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.
www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2023.
Stop looking at me. (LAUGHTER)
Shit. Argh!
- That's one of the worst attempts at a task ever.
- Boom time! - Boom time. - Boom time.
- It seemed like just a collection of crap tied together.
- Well, I could say the same about your judging. - (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)