(TYPEWRITER WHEEL CLICKS)
- Chee-hoo!
('TASKMASTER' THEME)
- Oof!
(TYPEWRITER CLACKS)
- (CACKLES)
- (BURPS)
- Shame!
- (BLUBBERS)
- All right?
- Whee!
- (GROANS)
- (GIGGLES)
(TYPEWRITER CLACKS)
- (GASPS)
- (SHRIEKS)
- Say cheese. - (SIGHS) Cheese.
(THUNK!)
(DING!)
- Kia ora koutou, and welcome to Taskmaster. My name is Jeremy Wells,
and thanks to some dodgy investment tips I received from my crypto adviser,
I've been forced to take a job as the Taskmaster. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
In order to fulfil my contractual obligations and receive my pay cheque,
I've gathered five comedians and offered them a series of tasks to complete.
I'll then rank them ― brutally ― and eventually crown a winner.
Sacrificing their dignity for your entertainment is our selfless season four cast.
Bubbah! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Dai Henwood! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Karen O'Leary! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Mel Bracewell! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
And Ray O'Leary! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
And by my side, as always, is a man whose incessant calls, texts, emails and DMs
I have never and will never ever reply to ― it's Paul Williams! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- DEEP VOICE: Yeah. Yeah, thanks, Jeremy.
I'm excited to announce tonight that I'm debuting a new voice. - Why are you debuting a new voice?
- Um, basically my team told me I'm rating not well with, uh, the blokes,
and so I've decided that I should get a new voice.
- I think you should go back to your old voice. - NORMAL VOICE: OK.
- Talk us through our prize task tonight, will you, Paul? - Tonight's prize task ―
our contestants have brought in what they believe to be the best thing to have at night.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh. - The winner of tonight's episode will take home all five things
and will sleep really well. - (CHUCKLES)
OK, Let's see what we've got, then. Let's start with Ray.
- I think the best thing to have at night is a sleep. (LAUGHTER)
So I've brought in some sleepy time tea.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
- So how do you plan on administering this prize?
- Do you want me to come round to your house and feed you some pills?
- I'd love that. - You'd love it?
- OK, Dai. What did you bring in?
- I went for a slightly more legal option on tea.
You can see here, this is my gongfu set
from China, and you can make any sort of tea in it ― caffeinated, non-caffeinated ―
and a drip tray, which I think every person should have in their home for drips.
- Normally, what we do at this prize task is we add a comedic bit to it. (LAUGHTER)
- Correct. And I feel I didn't do that. (LAUGHTER)
- Mel, what did you bring in? - I have brought in a telescope. It's amazing to have at night.
But if you have it in the day, you're a pervert.
If you have it at night-time, you see the beautiful night sky.
If you have it in the daytime, you see stuff like this.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
- Wow. - This is a photo I took of Ray O'Leary with about 14kg of Noodles.
- That was a good meal. (LAUGHTER)
- I think, most concerningly, he seems to be watching himself on his phone.
- Yes he is! (LAUGHTER)
He was!
- Karen. - Yes? - Yours, please.
- Oh, right, well, when I was thinking about what you most want at night-time,
I mean, obviously, a lot of things come into most people's minds.
Some people just want a bit of action in the bedroom.
So I just thought, you know, music is really the key. And I think― I chose this.
It's Kenny Rogers. Now, if you look at the names of the songs,
'This Woman' ― sex, 'You and I' ― sex, 'Buried Treasure' ― not sure.
The other thing you want at night-time is this, 'Eyes that See in the Dark.'
So not only is this music, but also it gives you superpowers that mean you can see in thedark.
What more could you want? (LAUGHTER)
- Bubbah, what did you bring in? - I'm from this wonderful, majestic, land called South Auckland.
And down the road from my house, you can go down a driveway and give a Tongan man $12,
and he will give you a...
Yeah, bit of horse. (LAUGHTER)
- OK, so that there is a plate of horse?
- Yes, it's in coconut cream and spring onions, and it's $12. - Oh my God.
- And how would you rate it? - Um, probably five points. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
But it's really good. It's one of my favourite meats. (LAUGHS)
As well as the Tongan man. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER)
- OK, so I love Kenny Rogers, but I prefer him mid-morning. So I'm gonna give Karen one point.
- Oh!
- I found the telescope slightly pervy, so I'm gonna give Mel two points.
I love tea at night, so I'll give Dai three,
and I also have tried horse in France, and I gotta say, it's a delicious lean meat.
- Thank you, Taskmaster.
- So four points for you, Bubbah, and five points for Ray with his potentially lethal dose of pills.
(APPLAUSE)
So it must be time for the first proper task of the show. - Correct, Jeremy.
And in this task, our contestants had a ball.
They weren't crazy about the task, but they did have a ball.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
- Hello, Bubbah.
Hello, Dai. - Gidday, Paul.
- Hello, Ray. - Hello, Paul.
- Hello, Mel. - (GASPS)
- KAREN: Oh, basketball.
- Oh, it's n― Oh, come on, man.
- Favourite sport? - Cricket.
- Second-favourite sport? - Football.
- Third favourite sport? - Rugby.
- Fourth favourite sport? - Rowing.
- Fifth favourite sport? - Darts.
- Sixth favourite sport? - Basketball.
- Well, you're gonna love this. - Great!
- Is there a, like, um― a sealed task? - Yes.
- Oh, hey! Here we go. It's in the hoop!
- One, two, three.
(BOTH GRUNT)
- READS: 'Spin the most times on this office chair...'
- '...before successfully shooting a hoop from this spot.'
- 'You have until you successfully shoot a hoop.'
- 'You must shoot within three seconds of completing your spins.'
- I might get dizzy, though. - Potentially.
- 'If you miss the shot, you must start again.'
- 'Most spins wins.'
- You guys don't have all day. - I have all day. - OK.
- I got nothing on.
- 'Your time starts now.'
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- So, what's happening exactly here, Paul?
- Basically, they need to spin on the office chair and then sink a basket. It's very simple.
- All right. A classic game oftasketball.This should be fun. Let's watch some dizzy hoopthrowing.
- First up, it's Bubbah, Dai and Mel.
- So spin, move to the mat, nothing but net? Drain it, you know?
- You can use the backboard. - Boom time!
- Is it―? What's that ― your catchphrase?
- Yeah. It's what I do when I shoot. - OK.
- I can do the slowest spins of your life. We've got all day.
One.
- ...two.
- Like, can I do a slow spin? - Is this not already slow?
Three, four, five.
- This is quite relaxing.
- Oh yeah!
- Eight, nine. - Yeah, player.
- 10. - Oh God. OK...
OK, man. I'm not a drinking man,
but this feels like I've been very drinking.
- 21... - I think I'm gonna win this one.
- 24...
That's 41. - OK.
One, two...
- 61.
- Three seconds.
(YELPS)
- This is called the take stock moment.
I should have taken some sea legs. I often do that ― just precautionary.
- Oh no. I'm starting to feel the real spins.
- Ooh, shit. (SNORTS)
- (GROANS) I shouldn't have had that beef Wellington.
- 35. - OK.
Come on, Jesus.
- OK, how much is that ― 30? - That's 31. - I can't count.
Man, that was close!
- Seven, eight... - This is a bad idea. - ...nine, 10.
(LAUGHTER)
- Boom time! Did that go in? - It didn't.
- How cool would that have been? - Really cool.
- My head is so― Ooh! I just flashed my arse. That an extra point?
- It'll be up to the Taskmaster. He does like that kind of thing. - Hello, Jeremy.
- One,
two. - OK.
- This actually sucks.
- Yeah. (EXHALES)
- Seven... - (SLURPS) Whoa. - ...eight.
21.
- Whoo!
(CHEERS IN SLOW-MOTION)
- OK, let's just do it.
- That was 24.
12. - One.
Boom time!
- Good game. Bye! - Thank you, Mel.
- Thanks, Paul. - Thank you, Bubbah.
- (CACKLES)
Boom time!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- So, just quickly, so― Those rumours are not true, you do not get extra points
for flashing your arse at the Taskmaster; let's be very clear about that.
- Aw, I'm gonna be doing it every episode. (LAUGHTER)
- Dai, you must have been stoked to get your catchphrase off the ground. - Boom time!
- Imagine if you'd have landed that shot where you were going off there.
- In hindsight, looking at that, turning slowly was a real masterstroke.
- Right, how many times did they spin?
- Dai, 12 spins.
- Yeah, boom time!
- Bubbah, 21 spins. - AUDIENCE: Ooh!
- Mel, 24 spins.
- Boom time! - Hey-hey!
- Time for us to take a quick timeout, so huddle up and figure out your next play,
and we'll be back in a few minutes with more Taskmaster. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where comedians are taking on the dual challenge of shooting hoops and trying not to spew.
- That's right, Jeremy. Our contestants are attempting to do the maximum number of spins
on an office chair before successfully shooting a hoop. - OK. Who have we got next, Paul?
- Her name is an anagram of 'Nearly Korea'. It's Karen O'Leary. (LAUGHTER)
- Can you do this, Paul? See that?
- Awesome. - That was a spin. - Yeah.
- So does that count, on the chair? If I just get the ball like this,
and you count how many time the ball spins? Eh?
That was 12. - Three, four, five.
- And then I get off and shoot that.
That's five. - That was five.
- I have another turn, though, eh? - All the information you need is in this task.
- I didn't― I didn't remember that.
'Spin the most times on this office chair.' I've spun on the office chair.
'Three seconds.' Yeah. 'You have until you successfully shoot―' So I've finished.
But I didn't get to spin on the chair and fall over.
Can I spin you on the chair? - If you want. - Yep! Great!
Shot! We should be in a team.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- You actually shot it on your first attempt. That's not good.
- I didn't mean to do that. (LAUGHTER)
I'm just that talented at sports. (LAUGHTER)
- I like the twist on the spin thing. - And if I just paid more attention, I would probably havegot 125.
- Yeah. - But I think I got about 25, which is one more than Mel's.
- How many spins did― - 25. - ...Karen get?
- I've put it down for five. It is quite hard to tell.
- Yeah, it's so fast. - It's four or five. - I'll take five. Yeah.
- Yeah. (LAUGHTER)
- Up next, it's the Michael Jordan of Taskmaster. (LAUGHTER)
I'm referring to his gambling problem, not his basketball skills. It's Ray O'Leary.
- READS: Successfully shoot in a hoop from the spot. - Yes.
- But the spot doesn't have to stay here, does it? I could shift the spot?
- AUDIENCE: Ooh.
- One,
two,
three.
- I'm gonna be here a while, Paul. Embarrassingly, I still think this is making me dizzy.
- 10.
- The good thing, though, is we're getting a lot of exciting footage for national television.
- 17.
- I'll shoot at 30, eh?
- 28.
29.
30.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
You happy with that? - Yeah, no, I'm very happy with how that just went.
- OK. Thank you, Ray.
- Awesome!
- Boom time! (LAUGHTER)
- Ray had an unfair advantage, cos he's the most experienced sitting on an office chair.
Obviously, the spins to beat was 24, and Ray ― 30 spins. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
So that means one point for Karen, two points for Dai, three points for Bubbah,
four points for Mel, and five points for Ray O'Leary.
- Well done Ray O'Leary. Smart, Ray.
So, I s'pose we should probably look at the scores for tonight.
- With a perfect score of 10, out in front, it's Ray O'Leary. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- All right, Paul, we've got a lot to get through tonight. Chuck, on another task, would ya?
- This one took our contestants a little while to work out.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
Hello, Dai. - Paul, is it? Lovely to see ya. - Yeah.
Do you wanna take a sip?
- I feel like I should read the task first before I drink any water. - Do you not like water?
- No, of c― Of course I like water. It doesn't―
- Seems like you're pretty staunchly anti-water.
- No, I'm not anti water. It's just― It feels like a trap. Why don't you have some water?
- No. - Why not? - I'm anti-water.
- READS: 'Invent and build a new exercise machine.'
- 'You must be able to use it and successfully burn 40 calories.'
- 'Best exercise machine wins.'
- 'You must start exercising in 30 minutes.'
- 'Your time starts now.'
- How will you know if I burnt 40 calories?
- I've got a smartwatch.
- Maybe I'll take a drink of water.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- I like this task, Paul. This is a task that involves brain and brawn,
and we'll find out how many of our contestants have actually been to the gym.
- Boom time! (LAUGHTER)
- Who's up first, Paul? - Here, debuting their exciting new spin on lifting an object,
it's Dai and Mel. (LAUGHTER)
- 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello.
(ANCHOR CLINKS GENTLY) - Is that an anchor? - Yep.
- That's so heavy. Oh, that's perfect.
(LAUGHTER)
- I physically cannot lift that. - You've got 45 seconds.
- Ready, set,
go! (STRAINS VIGOROUSLY)
(PUFFS)
- (STRAINS)
(PANTS)
- Let me know when you want me to check your calories.
- (PUFFS)
(HIP-HOP MUSIC)
(PUFFS)
- (GRUNTS) - Do you want me to get it started? - Yeah, that would be good.
Whoa!
Whoa! (LAUGHS)
- So you need someone to lift it up, and then it's about holding it there.
- Yeah. It's like tug of war, but with God.
- One more. (PUFFS, GROANS)
(HIP-HOP MUSIC)
- That's 40.
- 41.
- How much does it cost? - Three payments of $19.95.
- OK, bye.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- I think the quote at one stage from you ― I just wrote it down, Mel ― was 'That's so heavy. It'sperfect.'
(LAUGHTER) As you were getting it out of the pond.
- The problem wasn't the weight as well. As you could see, it was quite easy to lift asit was.
But my pulley system made it near on impossible to lift it from the ground.
- Your product seemed to work quite well to be honest, Dai.
- Yeah, cos as someone who, from a young age, was into steroids and cigarettes, um...
That got me into the gym scene.
The '80s were a different time for workout machines,
and the anchor me just fit it into how I used to exercise. So it's a full body workout.
- OK. Who's up next, then?
- With an exciting twist on dragging something behind you, it's Bubbah and Karen.
- What does burning 40 calories look like? - It's not that hard.
- So it's like, what, eating? - I don't know if eating would burn calories.
- I'm gonna make a multisport resistance training machine.
- Ooh, What does that feel like? - Tight. - Yeah, boy.
Let's go on the road.
- You ready? - Yeah.
So you just simply put this on here like this.
Rugby ball, Paul! Rugby ball!
- Oh shit! (LAUGHS)
Whoa, shit! (LAUGHS)
- Cut it! Cut it! That's what the scissors are for.
- OK, get back on.
Wait, that was me, sorry!
You look sweatier than me.
- Mini tramp!
Nine, 10, 11.
- Oh yeah!
- Cricket bat!
Full toss.
Oh, shit! Caught behind.
- (SCREAMS)
- Boxing hat!
(HUFFS, PUFFS)
- Do you wanna do some uphill? - Yeah.
PANTS: Oh my God.
- Pretend to be an inflatable boat.
(HUFFS, PUFFS)
- (PANTS) Whoo!
Whoo!
- Done.
- PANTS: That's 40 calories.
That's 40.
Thank you, Karen. - Thank you.
- See ya. Thank you! - Thank you, Bubbah.
(APPLAUSE)
- Uh, Karen, seemed like less of a machine and more just a collection of crap tied together.
- Well, I could say the same about your judging. (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS, LAUGHS)
(APPLAUSE)
- Got him! - And now I lose the game, but that's OK.
- Bubbah, you just shoved Paul down a hill on a skateboard.
Did you need to tie the rope around him? So, I mean, that was― You just about killed him.
- Do you know what ― they cut that bit, cos I tied it round his neck. (LAUGHTER)
- Yeah, I vetoed the rope around the neck.
- Well, it's time to take an ad break,
so you at home can grab a cup of tea and a bikkie and give yourself 40 calories to burn. We'll see you soon.
- Nau mai, hoki mai. Welcome back to Taskmaster. Where are we up to, Paul?
- Our comedians were coming up with new exercise machines, and they had to burn 40 calories using them.
- OK, we've already seen four of our comedians and their dubious inventions. Who's left?
- Here's Ray O'Leary.
- Am I allowed to start a― light a fire? - Possibly.
- Am I allowed to light a fire and burn food? - You could try it.
- Maybe let's light a fire, then.
How many calories are in sugar? It feels like I should just burn sugar, right?
- So in 100g of sugar, there's 387 calories.
- Oh great. That's― Th― That's, um... That's― That's way more.
Yeah, put it― Put it down.
All right, you ready for my exercise machine to start up? - OK.
- All right, here we go.
OK. That one caught fire.
OK, all right.
Three, two, one,
go.
Oh!
Look at those calories burn. - So that's two ladles full.
- Yeah, that's― that's definitely got to be more than 40 calories, right?
Throw a few marshmallows in.
Do you wanna lolly? - Uh, yes please.
- Yeah, we can have as many lollies as we want,
cos we've burnt quite a few calories in the exercise machine.
- Does your exercise machine have a name?
- The Ray-o-matic. I have to light the fire. This counts, doesn't it? - It's up to the Taskmaster.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- I guess the thing that we need to work out here is whether or not it's an exercise machine,
cos either it's an amazing machine or it's one of the worst attempts at a task ever.
- I have some definitions here. - OK.
- So, 'exercise ― activity requiring physical effort
'carried out to sustain or improve health and fitness.'
- OK. No. - Or...
Or an activity carried out for a specific purpose.
- OK. No, that works. - There we go.
- Is it a machine? - 'Machine ―
'an apparatus using mechanical power and having several parts,
'each with a different function performing a particular task.'
- I mean, I like where you went with it,
but I just don't feel like I can give you points for that as a machine.
- Sucks for you, cos I'm coming around to your house, I'm burning your pantry.
- So I'm gonna give you one point for that, Ray.
I mean, they weren't great machines, let's be honest. - (LAUGHS) They were terrible.
- Mel, with the tug of war with God, I think you deserve two points.
- I just wanna argue something ― that theirs requires other people, and mine just requiresfaith.
- You could also say yours didn't work. (LAUGHTER)
I think Karen's collection of crap deserves two points.
Bubbah pushing Paul down a path?
Bubbah gets two as well. - Aw!
- And then I think, Dai, you just scratch through with three points.
(CONTESTANTS EXCLAIM) - I thought you were getting a five there.
- Well, I can't believe that I'm actually saying this, but I'd like another task, please.
What have you got? - Well, Taskmaster isn't all about winning.
It's also about making memories ― memories of you dominating your opponents.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
- Hello. - Hello, Mel.
- Hello, um... Paul?
- Did you forget my name? - No.
- Look at this. Like I'm at an American high school.
Ohhh!
Look at this.
- Sports trophies.
I'm familiar. - Brag.
- Oh.
- READS: 'Win something.'
- 'You cannot win it at the Taskmaster ranch or the Taskmaster studio.'
- 'You must be able to prove you won it.'
- 'Best winning wins.'
- 'You have until episode eight.' Mean!
- How many episodes are there? - 10.
- 10?! (EXHALES LOUDLY) Did I sign up for that? - Yeah.
- Wow.
- What do you think you could win? - Someone's heart? - Oh.
- Or, like, the Lotto? (LAUGHS)
- Boom time. Do you wanna take this? Or should I take this so I can read it?
- You can take it. - I'll take it, eh. Interesting. Win.
(APPLAUSE)
- So whose win would you like to see first?
- Hmm. OK. Um, should we start with Bubbah?
- Oh! Yes! This is my win!
- It gives me great pleasure to award Sieni with Making A Difference In South Auckland,
awarded to Sieni Leo'o Olo, also known as Bubbah. (WILD CHEERS, APPLAUSE)
- Thank you guys for being here today and acknowledging this.
This is probably the best win I've ever had.
- So, explain to me what's happening there.
- That's my deputy principal. They gave me this certificate.
Yeah G! And the next photo is my deputy principal from my old high school,
my HOD of Drama and my dean giving me that award.
And I had a really rocky relationship with them because... my mouth when I was in school.
But now I think that they're really proud of me, and they were really gracious and awardingme this.
- Very good. - Thank you.
- Dai. - Well, mine was simple.
I happened to look in my drawer and find something I bought last week, and my life is about to change.
This is worth $72,000,
or $28. I haven't, um... (LAUGHTER)
My vibe's 72,000, but the barcode seems to say 28.
- So have you won this since being on Taskmaster? - Yeah.
- Why is the date the 14th of September 2022? (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
- Hey, Karen, what did you bring in? (LAUGHTER)
- Karen, tell us about your winnings.
- What I did was I won $10,000. - What?
- I went into a competition to make a children's song and a children's music video,
and I won the competition, and so I got given $10,000. Here's the proof.
'Tena koe, Karen.' That's me.
10,000 bucks, which is quite a lot of money, which is more than 28. - Just looking at thatthere,
it looks like you've won the right to produce a song for New Zealand on Air.
- No, no, no, no. They're giving me $10,000. I'm gonna make the song for free.
And you just fill in the budget saying, 'Oh, yeah, I spent some money on this;
'spent some money on that,' pfft, whatever.
- After watching this, you might not be receiving that $10,000. - Thanks NZ on air! (BLEEP) it.
- Mel. - I won a double pass...
to the movie Evil Dead Rises.
- Oh. How did you win it? - I think we have a video.
- 10 minutes to 7 on the Matt and Jerry Show.
So we've got tickets to Evil Dead.
I'm just actually checking what cinema this is, cos Lem from Blenheim is on the line.
Good morning, Lem.
- Morning, guys. How are you doing? - Good, thanks, Lem.
- You good on the scary movies, Lem? - I think― I do get a little bit scared, but I'lltry.
- OK, yeah. Just take your popcorn.
- Has Lem got a double pass? Can he need to take someone else along to hold their hand?
- A support person? - Yeah.
- Oh, yeah. I'll see. I've got a few Tinders, I'll say that. - Oh, that's a great opportunity.
- Well, enjoy that film, won't you, Lem?
- BUBBA: Oh my God! - DAI: Amazing! Yeah!
- Well, good on you, but that was an amazing piece of radio, wasn't it? (LAUGHTER)
- Well, cos I went with Lem, because 'Lem' backwards is 'Mel,' and I thought you would 100% get it.
And then I talked to the producers, and they went, 'He had no idea.'
- No! But I remember that call, and I remember thinking,
'This guy Lem's really got something. He's an unusual rooster.'
Ray. - Well, I won this soft toy.
Yeah. I won it from a claw machine.
It took me an hour and 50 minutes,
and I spent $79. (LAUGHTER)
I don't know if you've ever operated a claw machine for so long
that they've started to clear up around you. But that― that...
(GROANS)
It took so long.
- Would there be an argument that the claw machine actually won? (LAUGHTER)
- I should have set the machine on fire.
- Oh, it's not easy again, is it?
It would be impossible not to give Bubba five points in this situation,
cos that's a proper prize that she needs to get five points for.
- It's pretty impossible not to give me one point as well, to be honest.
- I think I'd agree with that. One point for Dai.
And then we have Karen, Mel and Ray. Three points for each of them.
- I thought that I would get points for advertising your floundering radio show. (LAUGHS)
- I didn't even know you're on radio. That's so cool you have a new―
- Exactly! - Wow! (LAUGHTER)
- To be fair, Bubbah, when we first started the show, you didn't even know I was on TV.
More winning and losing coming up, but first, some ads. We'll see you in a moment.
- Welcome back to Taskmaster. What's our next task, Paul?
- I don't want to oversell it, but this task is vaguely interesting.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
Hello, Bubbah. - Sup, Paul.
- Hello, Karen. - Hello.
- Hello, Dai. - Paul. Lovely to see you again.
- Hello, Mel. - (GASPS) There's a pea.
- Hello, Ray. - Hello, Paul.
- You go. Read it.
- READ: 'Choose a topic that vaguely interests your whole team the exact same amount.'
- 'Write it on this piece of paper, then go to the study.'
- 'You have three minutes. Your time starts now.'
- So it can't be something― - Oh, yeah, do we―?
- Like if we went cricket, we're really into it; you're not. - Yeah, that's not gonna work.
- Like, what about, like, a TV show? Or, like―
- Yeah, I was thinking like a― A pelican?
- (LAUGHS) That's not a TV show. - That's not a TV show.
- Don't say 'Yeah, I was thinking a pelican.'
- Do you love―? - Tax? (LAUGHS)
- Tax doesn't even vaguely interest me. But I do file it. I do do it.
- Uh, what about, like, bananas? - Yeah, bananas. They vaguely interest me.
- Yeah. - There's potassium. - I like to eat them.
- Yeah. There's that. - They're vaguely interesting.
- I used to have them with my cornflakes.
- Cos what's a random thing that we― - Moisturisers. Pfft. - Yeah.
- Like, you use it, but I don't, like― I'm not, like― - I'm sort of aware of them.
- Yeah, but I don't know― - Moisturisers. Awesome, Bubbah. - Yeah.
- (BLOWS WHISTLE) - All right...
Don't― - Why are you rushing? - Where are you going?
Where are you going, you little sneaky?
(LAUGHTER)
- BUBBAH: My God! He's running!
- Oh no. - Oh no.
- Oh, yes! We're gonna do a podcast!
- 'Start a podcast...' - I knew it! Shit. Ass. - '...about your topic.'
- 'Your podcast must be at least 20 minutes long...'
- 'And will be released to the public today.' - (LAUGHS)
- 'You must not give any indication that the podcast is a task. Most popular podcast wins.'
- 'Your podcast will start recording in 90 seconds.'
- So only 20 minutes? Or can we do an hour?
- So, how did everybody feel about their topics? Mel and Ray?
We've both chosen products that if you bought them together at the supermarket,
the person would ask questions. (LAUGHTER)
- Which topic would you like to learn about first, Jeremy?
- Well, to be honest, I'd say my interest in either of those topics is about the same ― very high.
- Then let's play both.
- Can you give us a count down from five, Paul?
- Three, two,
one.
(QUIRKY, SERENE MUSIC PLAYS)
- Kia ora, Aotearoa, and, obviously, the rest of the world,
and welcome to this amazing podcast, Vaguely Interesting.
We've got an amazing topic that's come in from a listener, and that topic was obviously moisturiser.
- Hello! - Hello! Welcome to Banana Phones.
- Oh, I wanted to do the welcome, but you can go ahead. - No―
- No, it's fine. You're the man. - No, that's not it. It's not a gender thing.
I just love bananas so much. I've got some bananas here.
We could maybe― People love it when people chew on microphones. Maybe we could eat and review it.
- This feels like a weird kind of― The other thing is, is that a banana is quite phallic, and it―
- Feels like someone has to eat a banana.
- What do you think― What do you― about moisturiser?
- Cos I love a good old moisturiser, except, like, for me, they're just― they're all white,
and then sometimes they don't soak into my skin properly, leaves a bit of a white cast.
- So it sort of looks like you're doing white-face. - Yeah! But I'm not.
- Which I think is probably fine for you to do, but you don't wanna do that. Why would you?
- Yeah, I don't wanna do it. - No. Why would you want to do that?
- So do they―? - Well, to get a better life? (LAUGHS)
- What do you think our friends are gonna think of this podcast when it goes out?
Do you think they're gonna be confused?
- No, I don't think they'll be confused at all.
I reckon our friends are gonna be like, 'Oh, of course they love bananas.'
- DAI: So do you think, as a lesbian... - KAREN: Yes.
- ...you were driven away from moisturiser? - Absolutely.
- So it's racist, and it's sexist. - Yeah, it's got a lot of questions that need to―
- A lot of 'isms in it. - Yeah.
- My mum always does that. She buys so many bananas. - And the freezer's packed.
- Yeah, there's so many in there. We gonna get them― Banana cake.
But then I went there recently, and she actually made a banana cake that day.
- No! - I don't know if she was trying to impress me.
- That's why I reckon you go to coconut oil, cos it's a more appropriate lube as well.
- Yeah, it's good. - But this is a dif― That's a topic for a whole different podcast.
- LAUGHS: It's so upsetting. - What? Wh―?
- Just talking to you for, like, 15 minutes while you're gripping a peeled banana.
- How is this―? - Gesturing with it. Like, it's flopping around. It's like―
(LAUGHS) - Oh. Oh, my banana broke for the viewers at home.
- And if you guys have any correspondence about moisturiser,
please email vaguelyintersting@yahoo.hotmail.com.
- We look forward to hearing all your feedback. - We love yous.
- And goodbye.
(QUIRKY, SERENE MUSIC PLAYS)
- MEL: Goodnight. - Yeah, g― Goodnight?
- (LAUGHS) You still haven't eaten any of this banana.
- Yeah. It felt incredibly emasculating when it fell off.
- In terms of monetisation... - I'll make sure the money goes to the right people.
- Doesn't sound like it's going to us, though. - It'll go to the Taskmaster.
- That was great. - I don't think― I think they just released it unedited.
Or are you editing it? - We'll edit out all the racist stuff Ray said.
- OK, that's good. - There was no― I didn't say any racist―
- That's good. Honestly, I was― For a moment there, I thought, 'Hmm...'
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Ray, would you please care to explain right now
what racist stuff you were saying that needed to be edited out.
- No, there was― There was― I swear there was― There was nothing. Nothing.
- Go on, Ray, you can. - No, no. (LAUGHTER)
Well, if I've got permission... (LAUGHTER)
- I liked the beginning of the podcast. Things got off to a little bit of a prickly start.
- We actually really enjoyed it,
and since releasing the podcast, I've had people come up to me and say,
'Where's episode two of the banana podcast?' Like, people have loved it.
- I wouldn't say people loved it. I'd say it's the most divisive thing I've ever done.
I had a lot of people complain to me and tell me I wasted their time. (LAUGHTER)
- Well, the numbers don't lie in terms of podcasts, so for Ray and Mel's podcast...?
- Total listens, 362.
- OK. Well, it's certainly something.
Well, let's talk about the moisturiser podcast... - Yeah.
- ...which seemed to dip into sexuality, race.
It was going everywhere. - It was deep. - That was a robust discussion.
- And it would have been really nice if we knew that we were allowed to publicise our own podcast.
- So it has been released? - We didn't even know where it was.
- I've listened to your podcast. - Was it good? - How? How did you―?
- Because we― - How did you know?
- Because we knew you guys would have to do it, and so we were curious.
- But where did you look? Where did you find it?
- Well, do you not know the name of your own podcast? - Yeah, Vaguely Interesting.
- Right. - Damn it. (LAUGHTER)
- I've got a feeling we... - ...sabotaged ourselves. - Yeah, so― Yeah.
- But it doesn't matter, because the content itself we should be proud of,
and that's ultimately what we were trying to achieve.
We're not all about who's got the most followers. Yeah. - So, um...
- Hold on. You're running yourself down. You haven't even heard your numbers.
- So, 'Vaguely Interesting,' nine listens. (LAUGHTER)
One of whom was Melanie Bracewell. - The other one was Ray. - Yeah, I listened as well.
- I am actually very surprised it has― Considering we didn't even know it was released. I'm very surprised.
- The numbers don't lie. Obviously, Mel and Ray need to get five points.
- OK. - Yes! - And two points for you guys.
That's enough mindless chatter for now. It's time for you to have an interesting, engaging,
research-based conversation with the person sitting next to you. We'll see you after the break.
- Nau mai, hoki mai. Welcome to part five of episode eight of season four of Taskmaster New Zealand.
We're just about to see our comedians attempt a live task,
but before we do, Paul, can you just give us a scoreboard update, please?
- With a three-point lead out in first, it's Ray O'Leary. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- OK, everyone, please proceed up the stairs for the final live task. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
What are we doing tonight, Paul? - Well, I'd love to hang out if you're free after the show.
But for now, Bubbah will be reading a task to the other contestants.
- READS: 'Survive the Great Flour Bluff.
'Don the goggles and face the barrel of the vacuum cleaner, which is loaded with flour.
'You can ask the Taskmaster if the vacuum is set to on or off, but he does not have to answertruthfully.
'You can then ask him to flick the switch one more time, and then you must connect the powersupply.
'The person who survives the most rounds of roulette wins.' (LAUGHTER)
- Awesome. - So, Bubbah, you're gonna go first.
Please, don these goggles. - Oh...
(LAUGHS) Oh man...
Oh, yeah, what's your favourite colour? - Blue.
- What's your favourite food? - Red.
- How much is in your bank account? - Green. - (LAUGHS) Oh my gosh.
I feel like it's, um, off.
(VACUUM ROARS, LAUGHTER) (SHRIEKS)
Far out!
Oh my God!
- Dai Henwood, please.
- Is the vacuum cleaner silver? - No.
- Is the switch pointing
towards me? - Yes.
- Rock and roll.
Safe. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- That's one point to Dai.
- Do you like broccoli blanched? - Yes.
- Let's roll!
Safe! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- So that's a second point for Dai.
- What the hell.
(VACUUM ROARS, LAUGHTER)
Boom time! (LAUGHTER)
- Dai is eliminated.
Karen. - Yeah.
- The score to beat currently is two.
- At the moment, is that thing switched on? - Yes.
- Turn it to the other way, please.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Safe. - OK.
Is it currently switched off?
- Yes.
- Safe.
- Is it switched to off?
- Yes. - Change it, man.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Safe.
- Is it still where it was before? - No.
- Are you telling the truth? - No.
- So it is where it was before? - No.
- Yes? - No. - Cool.
(VACUUM ROARS, GROANING, LAUGHTER)
- Ugh! Why am I right here?
- Karen survived three. She is currently in the lead. Mel's next.
- OK. I've got 'em, Jeremy.
Oh, you've started!
- I've finished. - Jeremy, is it on?
- No.
- Jeremy, do you like me? - Yes.
- This could be very sad.
(VACUUM ROARS, EXCLAIMING, LAUGHTER)
- You lied to me, Jeremy.
- So Mel survived no rounds and is eliminated.
- There's room on the bench. - Hello.
- Ray.
The score to beat is three from Karen.
- Do you wanna see me with a face full of flour? - Yes.
(LAUGHTER)
- Could you please switch it? - Yes.
(VACUUM ROARS, LAUGHTER, GROANING)
- (GROANS, LAUGHS)
(COUGHS)
(AUDIENCE GROANS) - It's disgusting. That's it.
- Oh, got a― got a kick to it. (LAUGHTER)
- OK, Paul, let's head down and score.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(TASKMASTER THEME MUSIC)
- Let's score that wonderful task.
- Bubbah, Mel and Ray survived zero rounds.
Dai survived two,
and the winner of the live task was Karen, who survived three. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
So one point for Bubbah, Mel and Ray. - Yep.
- Three points for Dai, and five points for Karen O'Leary. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- OK, so what does that mean for tonight's scores?
- It means he's finally won an episode. The winner of episode eight is Ray O'Leary!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Congratulations. Please head to the stage and collect your prizes
and get ready for the night of your life, Ray. You've earned it. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Thanks so much for joining us for another wildly successful episode of Taskmaster.
We learnt that not having anything to say isn't a barrier to starting a podcast.
Most importantly, we learnt that Ray O'Leary is the winner of episode eight.
Ka kite, everybody. Ma te wa. We'll see you next time. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Captions by John Gibbs. Edited by Julie Taylor.
Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.
www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2023
- # When the kids have gone to bed, I'll ram-raid your knickers! #
- 'When the kids have gone to bed, I'll ram-raid your knickers.' - Yeah. (LAUGHS)
Look at me dance.
- You guys are idiots, clearly. Think of that.