(WHEEL CLICKS)
- Hello.
- Hey.
- Two.
- (GRUNTS)
(KEYS CLACK)
- Come on!
- (GRUNTS)
- (WHOOPS)
(KEYS CLACK)
- That's for the haters.
- (GRUNTS)
- Clink, clink.
- Chicken Little. - Cheep.
- (IMITATES GUNFIRE)
(KEYS CLACK)
Oh!
- (SHOUTS)
- Yaargh!
- He he he he!
(CLUNK!)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(DING!)
- E te Ti, e te Ta.
Nau mai, haere mai. Welcome to season five of Taskmaster New Zealand.
Yes, we're over the moon to be back for another 10 episodes of mayhem.
And by 'we', I mean me. (LAUGHTER)
Over the next 10 episodes, we'll watch with sick fascination
as five New Zealand comedians with non-overlapping audiences compete in what can only be described as
a dog show for humans. (LAUGHTER)
But why have these five comedians signed away their dignity for,
let's be honest, less money than you might think? (LAUGHTER)
Well, it's all for a chance to get their hands on this.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh!
- The Taskmaster trophy made from pure 24-carat fool's gold. (LAUGHTER)
Let's meet the five brave comedians.
They are Abby Howells... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Ben Hurley... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Hayley Sproull... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...and Tom Sainsbury. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Now, unfortunately, one of our comedians, Tofiga Fepulea'i, can't be with us here in the studio,
do this season, we have a cavalcade of fan favourites stepping up to defend his honour.
So please welcome for episode one, Madeleine Sami. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- (MOUTHS)
- And you know how the saying goes ―
beside every great man in a big chair is another smaller man in a less impressive chair.
And for me, that other smaller man is non other than Paul Williams. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- It's so good to be back, Jeremy, and I've actually got you an opening night gift.
- (GASPS) - It's a finger painting from my nephew.
(LAUGHTER) - Oh, wow.
- He's incredibly talented. (LAUGHTER)
- Someone can grab that later on maybe.
- Oh-ho-ho. - Deal with that a little bit later on.
So, what are we gonna start with ― the prize task?
- So, tonight, we've asked our five comedians to bring in the worst cup. (LAUGHTER)
And the winner of tonight's episode will get to take home all five terrible cups.
- All right. We're gonna start with Abby. - Hello.
- Abby... - Hello, Jeremy.
- ...what is your terrible cup that you've brought in?
- Um, first of all, it doesn't function as a cup; it's got a lot of holes in it. (CHUCKLES)
But also it says 'I exclusively drink piss'. (LAUGHTER)
- MADELEINE: Wow. - So, you know, it's bad functionally,
but it also maybe starts a conversation you don't wanna start. (LAUGHTER)
- So, let's just say that I...
do drink piss... - Yes.
- ...and I don't mind letting people know about it. - (LAUGHS)
- I mean, apart from the holes in it, what would be wrong with this?
- Well, also, the handle looks like an anus. (LAUGHTER)
- I think if you did like drinking piss, the holes might actually be a positive, because it would...
- HAYLEY: You get more. - ...also replicate kind of...
- Paul, when you pee, does it spritz everywhere? Cos you should get that looked at.
- There's three solid... - Right. - Yeah.
- Well... Ben, I don't know how you're gonna come back from this, to be honest.
- No, no. I don't wanna take it down, but this comes from genuine trauma,
cos this is the 2019 Cricket World Cup...
- Oh. - TOM: Ohhh.
- ...which, of course, New Zealand didn't win in horrific circumstances.
And cricket fans like me, we carry this trauma with us forever, so this is easily the worst cup.
- Yeah, OK. I actually... - Yep.
- I'm not really pleased that you've brought that trauma back to me, that super over.
That's one of the worst moments of my life. - What happened?
- Don't ask, Abby. He'll just keep talking about it. - You don't wanna know what...
- Did someone die? Did a man die? (LAUGHTER)
- Like... Like a part of all of us died.
- Right. - Yeah.
- Hayley. - Mm. Jeremy, I'd like―
Well, actually, all of us, I'd like to cast our minds back to the wonderful year that was2020,
and we'd just been thrown into lockdown.
So, I made my partner, Aaron, a little tray for his trinkets, which I thought was quite cute.
And he made me this, which is, um... (LAUGHTER)
- TOM: Ohh.
- OK. So, your fiance has lovingly made you this thing. - Yes.
- And then you've brought it on national television and absolutely humiliated him.
- Yeah, in the hopes that I don't win today and it's no longer on display...
- Gotcha. - ...in my kitchen, pride of place. - Smart.
Madeleine... - Yeah. - ...what have you brought in?
- Just put it up on screen, actually. Yep. - Wowzers.
- That's a gun cup. It's my friend's cup. It's just awful. Um...
They got it in Vegas, cos they went to a gun range, and that was the merch on offer.
- Although, you're thinking now, aren't you, with what's been offered so far,
that that gun cup's looking pretty bloody good, isn't it? - TOM: Yeah.
- You could get so much piss in there, no problem. (LAUGHTER)
- Tom, how are you feeling about what you brought in?
- Look, mine is aesthetically pleasing, sure, but I wanna get a movement against the style of cup.
And here's― here it is.
You might notice something missing here.
The amount of times I've been, 'Here you go. Here's your green tea.'
Hassah, hassah, hassah, hassah! And having to hold it like that.
So I'm railing against a style of cup. (APPLAUSE)
Thank... - Wow. - Thank you!
I've got the audience on side.
- How am I gonna judge this?
I personally love the Cricket World Cup, so I'm gonna give Ben one point there.
- Oh, come on. - Ohh.
- Madeleine, two points, cos that's also quite a cool cup. - It's quite cool, eh?
- HAYLEY: It's a good cup. It is a good cup. - So you're gonna get two.
- Sorry, Tofiga. Sorry, Tofiga.
- Tom gets three. - Yes. Middle.
- And then, whew... I will go four points for Hayley. - I'll take that.
- Five points for Abby. - Oh, thank you. Thank you. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- All right. Let's rip into the first proper task, shall we, Paul? - For sure, Jeremy.
And I think you'll like this one, because it's a little bit sensual. - Hmm.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
- Hello. - Hello, Abby.
Hello, Hayley.
- Eyyy. - Hello, Tofiga. - Hey, Paul.
- WHISPERS: Hi. - Hello, Tom.
- The senses.
READS: 'Choose three of your five senses to lose for the next task.'
- 'And place them in the bin.'
- Get rid of three. - Yes, please.
- Those are the three I'm going to get rid of.
- You're keeping touch and hearing.
- I reckon I could do everything with touch and sight.
- I wanna see, and I wanna feel.
- Paul, tonight, I'm going with eyes and smell.
- I'm gonna lose that one.
- OK. You're happy with that? - I'm gonna be kicking myself soon, but I'm happy with it.
- Thank you, sir.
- READS: 'Attach your sense blockers, then follow the instructions.'
- 'Fastest wins.'
- 'Your time starts when the phone rings.'
- Attach my sense blockers. - Yes. We'll... We'll bring those.
- OK. - Yeah.
(APPLAUSE)
- I am fascinated to know what kind of bizarre adventure, Paul, you've got lined up for theseguys.
Let's see what happens.
- First up are the three comedians I would rank first, second and third...
alphabetically. It's Abby, Ben and Hayley.
- READS: Your time starts when the phone rings.
- We'll get your sense blockers now. - Excellent.
(LAUGHTER)
- Can you hear me?
- Can I hear you? No.
(VELCRO RIPS)
- Oh no. (CHUCKLES)
- I guess I don't know when the phone rings, cos I can't hear anything.
(PHONE RINGS)
- I don't know what to do.
- Did you give me instructions? (PHONE RINGS)
- They're on the phone. - Oh, they're on the phone? - Yeah.
- It's an issue, isn't it? Can't hear the phone.
- Where's the phone?
(PHONE RINGS)
- There's these phones.
Uh...
Why did I choose smell?
- Is it on you? - Yes. (PHONE RINGS)
- Oh, here.
- Do you have a phone in your pocket? - Yes.
- Can I see it?
Answer.
- DISTORTED: Take a mug of almond milk and serve it to the mannequin in the field.
- I can't hear it. You're gonna have to describe for me what they're saying.
- Uh, hi. I can't hear you. Can you text me?
- I would be forever grateful if you could send me a text.
- Pick up.
Take.
Cup.
Mug. Take a mug...
of...
- READS: 'Take a mug of almond milk...'
- '...and serve it to the mannequin in the field.'
- 'Then ring the bell.'
- What is that? Mannequin.
Take a mug of almond milk to the mannequin.
And s... ring the bell!
- OK. A mug of almond milk.
- (LAUGHS)
- I can't taste any of them. - No.
- Maybe.
Maybe.
- I think out.
Out.
- What does almond milk feel like?
- Too creamy.
- Maybe this one.
- I think it's this.
- (EXHALES DEEPLY) OK. That's that.
- All right. I'm going to the field.
- OK. Here we go.
Oh, bloomin' heck.
(CHUCKLES) Oh no. Mother of pearl.
- Where's the mannequin?
- Yes!
All right, off we go to the field, Paul.
The mannequin!
Aargh!
- (GASPS)
Oh gosh.
- Milady.
(BELL TINKLES)
- Stop the clock.
- Is that it?
- I've stopped the clock.
- I can't hear you, sorry.
- Act it out.
Stop. You stopped the clock.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Fascinating. Ben, what does almond milk feel like?
- Mm, it's an excellent question, uh, Jeremy.
I'm not that familiar with the nut milks, so I had to just kind of guess.
It's kind of watery... - Yeah. - ...I guess. Yeah.
- I, like― I don't drink cow milk, and I was like, I've got this with the... that technique.
- Did I detect, Abby, that at one stage, you were trying to smell which phone was ringing?
(LAUGHTER) - Yeah.
I was like, I got smell. I gotta learn― I gotta learn to rely on this.
But then I didn't use smell for the milks. - LAUGHS: No!
What about the times?
- Ben ― seven minutes exactly. - Wow. - Wow.
- Yes, very speedy. - We don't know if that's good.
- We don't know. - Calm down.
- Abby ― 13 minutes and 13 seconds. - OK.
- Hayley ― 10 minutes and 16 seconds. - OK.
- However... - Oh.
- ...she did slightly get the mannequin's order wrong.
The mannequin wanted almond milk. She took some floury water.
- Did I? I was so convinced. (LAUGHTER)
- Did I get the milk correct? - Correct milk.
- Whoa! - I got that just on vibe. (LAUGHTER)
- BEN: It's so true. - I vibed the correct milk.
Wow.
- OK. And now the moment we've all been waiting for ― season five's very first ad break.
We'll be back with more Taskmaster after this.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(UPBEAT FANFARE)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Kia ora koutou ano. Welcome back to the season five premiere of Taskmaster.
Where are we, Paul?
- Up next ― the two comedians I would rank last and second-to-last...
personality-wise. - HAYLEY: Wow. (LAUGHTER)
- It's Tofiga and Tom.
(LAUGHTER)
- Hey.
- READS: Time will start when the phone rings.
Oh no.
(PHONE RINGS)
Where's the phone?
- Oh, there we go. (PHONE RINGS)
Hello?
- My instructions start when the phone rings.
- Got to take a mug of almond milk to a mannequin. So gonna have to go up to the kitchen.
(PHONE RINGS)
- Hello, darling.
(BELL TINKLES)
- I've stopped the clock. - (LAUGHS) Oh shit.
Almond milk. Am I finding almond milk? - I've stopped the clock.
(LAUGHTER)
- We're in the kitchen.
What's this in my hand now? - It's a bottle.
- Of... - I'm not sure.
- I'm gonna go to the kitchen and find almond milk.
- OK, but I-I have stopped the clock.
- Do you wanna test that for me ― if that's almond milk?
- I'm not sure.
Hey, Tom.
Tom.
- What about this one? - I think that's glue.
- Oh, sorry, bro. - No, that's OK.
- Oh no. If I knew that, I would've told you to drink the whole bottle. - Oh.
I've stopped the clock.
- (BLEEP).
WHISPERS: What was it?
I should have taken the instructions. I'll be back.
- Is that almond milk? - That's yoghurt.
- Try this one.
- That tastes like maybe paint and... - Oh, sorry, bro.
- No, that's OK.
I have stopped the clock.
- Five.
- You don't need to do any of this.
- OK, I'm gonna take this with me.
- (SWALLOWS LOUDLY) That could be almond milk.
- This one? Maybe we try that last bottle again just to make sure.
- Paint for sure.
- OK. We'll go with this one.
- Tom, can you hear me?
I've stopped the clock already.
The task is done. (BELL TINKLES)
OK.
Yeah, keep going. It's just... open pastures.
You happy with that?
- Five. - I stopped the clock a long time ago.
- Five.
- There you go, sir.
(BELL TINKLES) - I stopped the clock.
Hello?
Are you happy with that?
- You're happy? - I've stopped the clock.
- Oh, have you? - Yeah.
- Is that it? - Yeah.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Tom, I now understand why you looked so uncomfortable when you were watching everyone else's.
- I know. A lot of mistakes made.
- You did so much more than you needed to. - I know.
Life in general for me, really. - Yeah.
- Did I get the milk right?
- It was the correct milk. - What?!
- But... (LAUGHTER)
But... - But it wasn't in a mug. - It wasn't in a mug.
And your time ends when you ring the bell, so... - Oh, what?
- Yes. (LAUGHTER)
So, 1.33, and he did ring the bell, and then he continued for a further 12 and a half minutes.
(LAUGHTER)
Tofiga ― 30 minutes and 32 seconds. (LAUGHTER)
We spent quite a long time trying the different liquids. - Yeah, I could see that.
- Yeah, he made me try a few multiple times.
I probably should say to anyone watching ― don't drink glue or paint.
- Do drink piss. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Exclusively.
- Should we have a look at how we're gonna score that, because―
- Well, both Hayley and Tom did not complete the task. - Yeah.
- So what do you think for them? - Zero. - Zero for both.
- Jeremy. - OK.
- Well, you didn't complete the task; you don't get a point for that.
- He's gotta do what he's gotta do, you know? - Shut up.
- It's brutal, guys. I've done a whole season of this. Just wait.
Just gotta toughen up. Gotta harden up, mate.
- So, Tom ― disqualified. - Yeah.
- Hayley ― disqualified. - Yeah.
- Three points for Tofiga? - Yeah.
- With 30 minutes and 32 seconds. (LAUGHTER)
Four points for Abby, and five points for Ben Hurley. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Thank you. Thank you.
- So, what is our scoreboard looking like now, Paul?
- Out in first with nine points ―
Abby Howells. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Yay.
- OK. Let's chuck on another task.
- Warning ― this next task could get a little messy.
But I'm about to press 'Pele' and you 'Maradona' wanna miss this one.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
- Wahey.
- Can't see Paul. Can't see Paul.
- Paul?
- Hello, Paul?
- Aargh!
(SCREAMS)
- Ah, ah, ah!
- Oh, what? Are you serious, Paul?
- Whoa!
- Oh!
- No. No! No!
- Oh-wa.
(LAUGHTER)
- That was really impressive. - Thanks for saying that.
- READS: 'Celebrate a football goal. Most glorious goal celebration wins.'
- 'You may only take one kick.'
- 'If you miss, you must celebrate regardless.'
- 'You have 30 minutes.'
- 'Your time starts now.'
- And do you have a signature celebration? - Well, I'm a New Zealander, so...
still somebody watching will go, 'Bit much, mate.' - Yeah.
- Have you ever seen Les Mis, Paul? - Have I seen it?
- (LAUGHS) - I performed in it.
- Who'd you play? - Javert.
- Ohh.
- Got a barbecue? And some chicken nibbles. Make sure there's heaps, man.
- OK, I'll try. - I'll put in a good word for you.
- With the Taskmaster? - Yeah. - OK, thank you.
- What's his name again? - The Taskmaster? - Yeah.
I see him on TV every now and then, eh. Him and the lady. What's her name?
- You don't know her name? - Hillary Clinton, eh. Is it Hillary Clinton?
- So, that whole intro was clearly designed to show off your football prowess.
- Essentially, yeah. - And then there was an open goal, and you hit the corner of the post.
- Yeah, yeah. - I could see how genuinely gutted you were there.
- Yeah, yeah. - HAYLEY: Yeah.
- I didn't realise when you came in, Paul,
that the assumption was that you would play with you with the ball.
You know? Other people were like, 'Oooh!' You know? 'I've gotta get in the goal, have a bit offun.'
Uh, but I just watched. (LAUGHTER)
- Ironically, it worked. You were the one person I didn't score against.
- (LAUGHS) Yeah. - Yeah. (LAUGHTER)
- It's OK, Paul. I disconcert people. (LAUGHTER)
- OK, shall we see some celebrations? Who's up first?
- Serving up a healthy portion of goal, it's Tofiga.
(WHISTLE TRILLS)
- This is for you, Paul.
Hey, yeah!
Yeah!
All right! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Milimili, milimili.
Pati a. Lua pati.
Hey, hey. - Ho.
- Hey, hey. - Ho!
- Take. - Zoom.
- Double take. - Zoom, zoom.
- Aue, aue. - Isa.
- All right. Yeah, Paul.
Dance for me, Paul.
- Give me a 'T'. - Yeah!
- 'O'. - 'O'.
- 'F'. - 'F'.
- 'I'. - 'I'.
- 'G'.
- What sort of 'G' was that? - 'G'. Capital 'G'.
- Oh, 'G'!
- BOTH: 'A'.
- Yeah! Tofiga!
Yeah, Paul.
Yee-hoo!
- Have you cooked that enough? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is good stuff.
Do you want a patty or...? - I'm vegetarian.
- Yeah. The chicken's vegetarian. - I don't think so. That looks like real chicken.
- Yeah, but it doesn't eat meat. It's a vegetarian chicken.
- Oh, it eats, like, grains. - Yeah. And the patty's definitely vegetarian.
- That's absolutely not vegetarian.
(APPLAUSE)
- That's genius. That made me so happy. - HAYLEY: It's awesome.
- (LAUGHS) I love a sausage sizzle. What were the crew like behind the camera?
I feel like they would have just been like― that's just the kind of thing that gets the crewso excited.
You know what I mean? Sausage sizzle.
- I mean, yeah, I think they were just kind of like... (LAUGHTER)
- So, had've you eaten that chicken... - Mm.
- ...like, how long was the... - How long would I have had to live?
- Had he cooked it? Yeah. - Not long. - Right.
- (CHUCKLES) Yeah. No, he cooked the chicken for...
I measured 44 seconds. (LAUGHTER)
- OK. I'd like to see another comedian do an elaborate over-the-top celebration
after scoring an open goal from 2m away, please, Paul.
- Will he bend it like Beckham or Ben it like Hurley?
(LAUGHTER)
- Ben Hurley steps up for new club Spurs City United
to score a goal. Here he goes.
And again! It's a gooooooooooooo...
ooooa...
oooooooal.
You scored a goal.
Who are ya? Who are ya?
I'll be back soon, lads.
I'm a famous footballer now, so I'm gonna get in my Aston Martin and go marry a supermodel.
(LAUGHTER)
(HORN TOOTS)
- I now pronounce you husband and wife.
- I love you, supermodel lady.
HIGH-PITCHED: I love you, footballer Ben Hurley.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, wow, what a fantastic footballing career.
(PHONE RINGS) Hello?
What? Tax?
How often do I have to pay that?
Every year? Eugh!
(PANTS) Oh, thank God we've moved to a country with such lax tax laws like Switzerland. Thatwas close.
Hey, why do you have a suitcase, sweetheart?
Uh...
(SOFT MUSIC)
# I scored a goal.
# Who are ya? Who are ya? #
(APPLAUSE)
- HAYLEY: Oh, wow!
- That was good. That was good. So that was an amazing story arc there.
There was a beginning, a middle, and then about six endings. (LAUGHTER)
- Yeah, it was a long denouement, as they say in the film industry, yes.
- And what sort of car were you driving when you went out there? Was that a Toyota Raum?
- I believe it was an Aston Martin. - I think it was― Yeah, it was...
- I think it was a Toyota Aston Martin.
- No, it was a― Yeah, it was a type of Aston Martin called a Demio.
- Oh. (LAUGHTER)
Yes. Um, can you show me another one, please?
- Behind every great goalkeeper there's a ball from Tom Sainsbury.
- (GASPS) I did it! I did it!
Yay!
(GRUNTS) Yeah!
What, ref?
What do you mean, ref? That wasn't a foul.
What are you doing, Bianca?
Bianca, this is about you and me. This is personal. It's got nothing to do with the rest of the team.
Oh, here we go again. I was too focused on my football career.
Relationships are an equation of two people, Bianca.
Yeah, I've been thinking about you ever day too.
I think you look pretty great in the ref outfit as well.
I really liked how you blew your whistle.
(LAUGHTER)
(WHISTLE TRILLS)
- Happy with that? - I'd say that would get me fourth place.
- That's what we're going for?
(APPLAUSE)
- I thought that's bold of you, Tom, to think that that's gonna get you fourth place.
- Oh... (LAUGHS) - What is it with you footballers and these off-pitch relationships?
- I don't know. Just red-blooded blokes up here, eh. Yeah. (CHUCKLES) - That's it, eh.
- I agreed with you on Bianca's reffing, though. That was absolute rubbish.
You had an open goal. - Exactly.
- What was the foul? - Where was―? And where was the defence?
- Well, exactly. There was no defence.
- Good sport term there, Tom. Well done. (LAUGHTER)
- There was some glory in that celebration, but it was tragic.
- Yeah. It's tragic that we now know how Tom Sainsbury pashes.
- HAYLEY: Really?
So much lip. - So much lip.
- Yeah, but it was, like― kissing, like, a piece of wood. You know? Like, she was giving nothing.
- Wow! Wow. (LAUGHTER)
- That's just how girls kiss. - Yeah.
- It's not. (LAUGHTER)
- All right. Time now for you at home to celebrate by taking advantage of these fantastic deals
from our commercial sponsors. We'll see you after the break. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(UPBEAT FANFARE)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Nau mai, hoki mai. Welcome back to Taskmaster, a beautiful show where we're playing the beautiful game.
Isn't that right, beautiful Paul? - HAYLEY: Aw.
- Kind of. Thanks for calling me beautiful.
We're watching our contestants celebrate scoring a goal. Most glorious celebration wins.
So far, we've had two break-ups and one barbecue that breaks all food safety standards.
- What have we got next? - Hayley Sproull? More like Hayley Wow, What A Goal.
(WHISTLE TRILLS)
(HAYLEY GRUNTS)
- Yaaaaaaaaaaaa!
(VOICE DISTORTS)
Yaa!
(DISTORTED SHOUTING)
(DISTORTED GRUNTING)
(GRUNTS)
Thank you.
Where's my girlfriend?
Come here, baby.
You're gonna wanna get this.
Paulina, I wanted to wait for this moment where I won the World Cup for Aotearoa, New Zealand.
- Shoot.
- HIGH-PITCHED: Wow!
Will you marry me, baby? - 'Course I will.
(BOTH MOAN EXAGGERATEDLY)
- Wow.
Sorry, my nipples...
(APPLAUSE)
- I think having a goalie in there really creates some authenticity,
and it really ups the stakes. - Yeah, thank you. Yeah, it did.
I think, as well, I was really excited to see the slo-mo,
but, boy, it was really giving a lot, wasn't it? (LAUGHTER)
- Can I just point out that I feel that there wasn't enough lip in that.
(LAUGHTER)
- Paul and I both went to drama school,
and it's a very old technique that you use to kiss when it's not appropriate to touch lips.
- Well, that's... - K.
- ...that was money well spent, my friend (!) - Yeah.
- Well, at least you used a proper human... - Yeah.
- ...and not a mannequin.
- And can I just say the authenticity of that lesbian Paulina's undercut...
- Honestly. - Yeah. (LAUGHTER)
- It was hot. - I felt seen. I felt my people were seen.
I think you're an incredible ally, Paul.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
It is definitely the least toxic relationship that we've seen so far. - Thank you. Yeah.
- Do you feel like on the scale from mannequin to human, Paul is in the middle?
(LAUGHTER) - Yeah.
- I reckon I could handle one more of these, Paul.
- Sure thing, Jeremy. Abby Howell? More like Abby Wow, She Also Scored A Goal. It's Abby Howells.
- FRENCH ACCENT: (SIGHS) My village has been attacked.
Oh! mon pere, you have been hit.
- Bonjour. - Bonjour.
- FRENCH ACCENT: Score a goal for me.
- Score a goal for you, father.
Oh! No.
Score a goal.
It is the least that I can do.
(BOOM!) (GRUNTS, GROANS)
I've got to score a goal.
Score a goal for Pa.
(GRUNTS)
(GASPS)
Victory...
for France!
They may take our lives,
but through football,
we will never
die!
(GRUNTS)
(COUGHS DRAMATICALLY)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Viva la France.
- What a journey. - Powerful stuff. - Oh my gosh.
- Incroyable. Magnifique.
- It'd be good if you'd have got up and gone, (SINGS) 'Master of the 'ouse, keeper of the inn.'
(LAUGHTER) (HUMS)
- No, he's Marius. - Oh, is that not who that is?
- No. - No, that's the Master of the goddamn House.
- Oh, you know everything about cricket. (LAUGHTER)
- The quote from you was beautiful.
- Go on. - 'They may take our lives, but through football, we will never die.'
(LAUGHTER)
- Yeah, it's beautiful and glorious.
I'd also maybe like to draw attention to Paul's character, Jean-Pierre.
- Jean-Pierre was good. - Yes. - I gotta say.
- So, if you like Jean-Pierre, strap in, cos he appears in future... - ...quite a few tasks.
(LAUGHTER) - Oh, does he? - Yeah.
- I will point out that most of Abby's did happen before she scored the goal. Um...
- Paul!
(LAUGHTER)
The word, Jeremy, we will use was 'glorious'. OK? We were given the word 'glorious'.
- Yep, and I thought yours was glorious. - Indeed.
- I thought... (LAUGHTER)
And I think that you deserve four points for that. - Thank you, Jeremy.
- Wow. - Appreciate.
- I think― - I mean, I showed myself inallmy glory.
- No, and I think you deserve five points. - Yes!
- TOM: Ooh. - Now, I loved both yours, Tom, and I also loved yours, Ben,
but there was so much tragedy involved in that, so I'm gonna give you guys two points each.
And then the barbecue was genius, so I'll give that three. - Oh!
- So two points each for Ben and Tom. - Yep.
- Three points for Tofiga. Four points for Abby. - Yeah.
- And five points for Hayley Sproull. - That's it.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
OK, Paul, I believe it's time for another task.
- Yes, but not just any task. This task is one of our biggest tasks ever.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
- Ta-da!
Oh... (CHUCKLES)
- Ooh. My man.
- Hello, Tofiga. - Thank you, sir.
- Wow. A cornucopia of tasks.
- Is this my cue? (LAUGHS) - What do you mean? Oh...
- Little pool cues.
- Mind if I sit down, Paul? - Go for it.
- OK, what have we got?
- READS: 'Complete all the tasks on the roof.'
- 'You may only touch a task using these pool cues.'
- 'Fastest wins.'
Oh my God.
- 'Your time starts...
'now.'
(APPLAUSE) - Who's going first?
- The big hand is striking Task o'clock. It's time for Big Ben.
- Shall I pull them down? I guess.
OK. And pull down.
And... (GRUNTS)
CHUCKLES: Come on.
Come on, man.
READS: Cheer Paul up.
What's gonna cheer you up? Dance?
There! A smile there. Did that work?
(LAUGHS) Good!
READS: Help Paul make some lunch.
Uh... Oh, what about a peanut butter sandwich?
OK. Only 400 more tasks to go.
There we go.
READS: Don't worry about this one.
(CHUCKLES) Yes. Thank you.
SOFTLY: Hang on a minute.
This isn't the roof.
- What do you mean? - This is the ceiling.
Is there actually a task, like, on the roof out there, and there's, like, one?
I don't see any tasks.
Oh! High five Paul!
Oh! (LAUGHS)
I did it!
I knew it!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- I thought there was something strange about this particular task,
and just watching everybody's reaction here was gold. (LAUGHTER)
- I agree, Jeremy. I agree. - Oh my God.
- It was interesting to see how the wheels of your brain― I could see the moment where it turned over for you.
Sherlock Holmes-like.
- Yeah, I genuinely thought I'd done too many even there. But looking now...
- Ooh, no. - ...I'm feeling pretty smug. (LAUGHTER)
- How long did it take Ben? - Uh, it was not long. 12 minutes and 41 seconds.
- Wow. - Yeah.
- And were you opening all of the tasks with the cues?
- I thought you weren't allowed to touch them.
- You couldn't touch the ones on the roof. Yeah.
- TOM: Aww. (LAUGHTER)
What?
- Well, I can't wait to see how long it takes for our other contestants to figure out Paul's little trick,
but I'm going to have to, because it's time to cut to some ads. More Taskmaster after this.
(UPBEAT FANFARE)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Hoki mai ano. Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where we're just discovering how few New Zealand comedians know what the word 'roof' means.
- Mm. - Take it away, Paul.
- Our contestants were tasked with completing all the tasks on the roof.
Up next, their initials spell the word 'hat',
which is fitting, because a roof is like a hat for a house.
It's Hayley, Abby and Tom.
- (GRUNTS) READS: Cheer Paul up.
You are bringing so much to the world. - Thank you.
- READS: Throw a grape into Paul's mouth from across the room.
Oh! Good boy.
- READS: Lead Paul in a one-minute exercise class.
One, two.
- READS: Don't worry about this one. (LAUGHS)
- READS: Write a thrilling two-person play and perform it with Paul.
- I've put a swear word in here, and I want you to really deliver it to me.
Maybe if... you touched me like you used to.
- Like this?
- (EXHALES DEEPLY)
I prefer the touch of your brother.
- Whore.
- WHISPERS: That's the swear word. - WHISPERS: Yeah.
- READS: Shake Paul's hand for five minutes.
- I feel like I could be doing other tasks while I'm doing this.
- READS: Completely cover the desk.
- READS: Make Paul drink a litre of liquid.
- READS: Draw a portrait of a celebrity. Paul must be able to recognise who it is.
(LAUGHTER)
- Now, that could be one of two people.
- READ: Give yourself a big makeover.
I went for big and bold.
- READS: Play hacky-sack with Paul until you complete six consecutive hackies.
One, two, three,
four, five, six!
- Six.
(CHUCKLES)
- Give me five, my friend.
- Give you what? - Five.
- I've stopped the clock.
- We've stopped? - Yeah.
- Is that the end? - Yeah.
- SIGHS: OK.
- READS: Count how many fingers Paul is holding up.
One, two, three, four, five.
My man.
Oh, Paul.
Nah. How many am I holding up? - Oh.
Five? - Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
CHUCKLES: Just a silly trick.
So many still.
I'm losing it, Paul.
READS: 'Play paper, scissors, rock with Paul.'
'Make Paul a drink.'
'Name 18 countries that Paul knows the capital city of.'
'Collect 10 vastly different green things.'
10! Good.
- You've got 11.
- And now we just have one more.
(SIGHS)
Follow my dreams.
(CHUCKLES) I will.
And that's the last one.
You can stop the clock if you want. - That's not how it works.
- I've done every single task. - All the information you need is in the task.
- (SIGHS)
No.
This is (SIGHS) not a good sign. (CHUCKLES)
Feel like I'm in a horror movie.
READS: Do all the tasks on the roof.
Is there a task on the roof?
Oh, there's the task on the roof.
OK. I can't read it. I gotta go downstairs.
SHOUTS: Noooo!
(GROANS)
READS: High five Paul.
(EXCLAIMS)
- I've stopped the clock.
- (PANTS)
(SIGHS)
(APPLAUSE)
- I feel like Abby deserves some counselling after that, because that was intense.
- Yeah. I think me sitting on the grass at the end ―
you know that portrait of a woman who's like this and... - Yes.
- Yeah. It was like that. It was true despair and sadness and...
- Well, you were there. - I know.
- You were there. - HAYLEY: I know.
- I know. I know, but I was trying to be sassy for the television. (LAUGHTER)
- GOOFILY: She's Sassy Sue.
- I was trying to be sassy for the television and provide entertainment for all of you.
- There's a little bit of karma there, Abby, cos you're not supposed to leave anyone hanging...
- Yeah. - ...with a high five. - That's true.
- It's a little bit of karma. - OK. The interesting thing for you, Tom...
- TOM: Yes. - ...and you as well, Hayley,
is that you had no idea why on Earth you'd finished.
- No, we did. We did. We did. - Did you? - No, I didn't.
(LAUGHTER)
I didn't.
- So what were the times? - Tom high fived me after 31 minutes and 36 seconds.
Hayley ― 43 minutes and eight seconds.
Abby ― one hour, 10 minutes and 41 seconds.
- OK, so by my calculations, Paul, there's still one contestant left.
- Yes. Last but not least, but also not most ― I like all the contestants equally ― it's Tofiga.
- Do the task on the roof.
And what's the task on the roof?
- Uh... What do you mean?
- Oh. Don't tell me it's outside.
See if I― I'm trying to see if I can find it from here.
Does that look like a task up there?
I've got bad eyes.
Can you go up there and read it for me?
- It says, 'High five Paul.'
- Yeah!
My man.
- I've stopped the clock.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- So, it turns out that it's one of the easiest tasks we've ever had on Taskmaster.
- He didn't even regard the ceiling. He was― He must have been like, 'I guess that's for another task.'
- I was changed. (LAUGHTER)
- I am starting to detect there's a bit of a through-line going on here with Tofiga, though.
He gets you to do absolutely everything. (LAUGHTER)
- But he's incredibly polite, so I'm happy to help.
- So, how long did he take in the end?
- So, it actually― it wasn't quite as quick as it looked, cos Tofiga,
he definitely doesn't move with a lot of urgency. (LAUGHTER)
So, 10 minutes and 18 seconds.
- What were you doing for 10 minutes and 18 seconds?
- Uh, he sits there for a bit, and then we sort of just meandered out. Yeah.
But, still, even at that pace, he did beat Abby by over an hour. (LAUGHTER)
- So, wait, you're saying― So he cooked the meat for less. (LAUGHTER)
- With that time, that means one point for Abby, two points for Hayley, three points for Tom,
four points for Ben and five points for Tofiga. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- OK.
So, if that task has inspired you to go and check your roof for any secret messages, now is yourchance.
We'll be back with a live task and the winner of episode one after these ads.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(UPBEAT FANFARE)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Tena tatou. Welcome back to Taskmaster, where we're about to find out which lucky comedian
will be forced to take home five of the worst cups in existence.
But before we get on to our live task, we'd better have a little squiz at the old scoreboard,Paul.
- So, anyone can win it tonight ― apart from Tom.
Ahead by one point on 14 is Abby Howells.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- OK, you lot, please head to the stage for the live task. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(UPBEAT FANFARE)
All right. Can someone talk me through what's happening here?
- Tom Sainsbury... - TOM: Yes.
- ...could you please read this task? - (GASPS) Ooh.
READS: 'Simultaneously toss both your shoes off the stage.
'Furthest apart landed shoes each round will be eliminated.
'The first round, you must throw the shoes with one in each hand.
'You cannot attach your shoes together in any way.
'Last person standing wins.'
- Abby, please throw from your mat. You may not move your mat.
- Golly.
- BEN: Let me smell yours. - HAYLEY: They're brand new. - Good luck, Abby.
- Thank you. - Yours smell like mustard. (LAUGHTER)
You're... Now you're gonna have mustard hands. - Let her focus. Let her focus.
- Sorry. - Excuse me. Can you let me focus? This is very important.
- Excuse me. I'm talking to mustard hands here. - Yeah.
- Oh my God. It's really good. - Oh, lovely.
- MADELEINE: That was a good throw. - Really beautiful.
- PAUL: Ben. - Go, Hurls. - Here we go.
(EXCLAIMING) - That's close. - Feeling good. Feeling good.
- So, Hayley's chosen a sort of black leather loafer with a buckle. - Yeah.
Classic mustard hands, right? - Mm.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh. - JEREMY: Ooh. It fell favourably.
- HAYLEY: Lovely. - MADELEINE: No, it's terrible. (EXCLAIMING)
Yeah, it's too bouncy.
- Wait for it. Wait for it.
- HAYLEY: Oh...
(ABBY CHUCKLES)
- Eliminated in round one ― Madeleine Sami, representing Tofiga. - Thank you.
- It was thrilling. - Paul, do you want a shoe boy? I could be a shoe boy.
- What is a shoe boy?
- Gather the shoes, like at the tennis. The tennis ball boy. - Like a ball boy.
- I might take you up on that. - (CHUCKLES)
- You'll be throwing both shoes simultaneously in your weak hand.
- Lovely! - Oh, bad roll. (APPLAUSE)
- Oh, for God's sake.
Ohh!
(EXCLAIMING)
- Abby ― 84.5cm.
(ABBY SIGHS) - Dramatic. - The suspense.
- Tom's shoes...
91cm apart. - Oh, rats.
(BEN LAUGHS) - Oh my God. Shoe boy, thank you so much.
- BEN: Thank you. Thank you.
- For round three, you will be throwing the shoes simultaneously over your heads without looking.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
- It couldn't get worse! (TOM LAUGHS)
- They're actually in different post codes. (LAUGHTER)
(EXCLAIMING)
(APPLAUSE) Oh, really good.
- So, Hayley needs Ben to have a shocker here.
- You suck. (LAUGHTER)
- ABBY: Ohh...
- TOM: Oh...
- Hayley, you are eliminated.
- BEN: Well done, Hayley. - Sorry I negged you.
(LAUGHTER)
- For the final round, you will kick the shoes with your feet one at a time.
- One at a time.
Ooh, it's good. It's so good. - TOM: Ooh, yes.
- (GASPS) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- (LAUGHS) - It's good.
It's good.
(LAUGHTER)
- OK.
- JEREMY: This is not a bad place to be there, I reckon. - Doesn't matter, does it?
Oh... (LAUGHTER)
- The winner of the live task ― Abby Howells. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Come on down, everyone, and we'll give out some points.
How did that all go, Paul?
- So, in order of elimination, we have one point for Tofiga via Madeleine,
two points for Tom, three points for Hayley, four points for Ben, and five points for Abby Howells,
which means... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...the winner of episode one of season five of Taskmaster is Abby Howells.
- There we go. Abby. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Thank you.
- Congratulations, Abby. You are now the proud owner of a collection of truly terrible cups.
Go up and enjoy your bounty. - Thank you, thank you. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Our first episode of the season in the can, but what did we learn?
We learned that two out of five football celebrations end in marriage.
We learned that the difference between a ceiling and a roof is your sanity.
And most importantly, we learned that Abby Howells is the winner of episode one.
Congratulations, Abby. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Thanks so much for watching. We'll you next time. Ka kite ano.
('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Did someone say 'more lion'?
(ROCK MUSIC)
- (GASPS)
- Well done, old chap.
- Eyyy.
- (GROANS)
- Possibly the greatest thing that's ever happened in the history of New Zealand.
(LAUGHTER)