(WHEEL CLICKS)
- Hello.
- Hey.
- Two.
- (GRUNTS)
(KEYS CLACK)
- Come on!
- (GRUNTS)
- (WHOOPS)
(KEYS CLACK)
- That's for the haters.
- (GRUNTS)
- Clink, clink.
- Chicken Little. - Cheep.
- (IMITATES GUNFIRE)
(KEYS CLACK)
Oh!
- (SHOUTS)
- Yaargh!
- He he he he!
(CLUNK!)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(DING!)
- Kia ora koutou katoa, and welcome to the second episode of season five of Taskmaster New Zealand.
My name is Jeremy Wells, and while you may have seen me playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare3
under the pseudonym 'DeathLord 69',
(LAUGHTER) here in this room,
I am known by the far more threatening title of the Taskmaster.
(CHEERING) Tonight...
five comedians will compete in a series of absurd and pointless tasks
in a desperate bid to get their hands on this...
- AUDIENCE: Ooooh! - ...a beautiful golden trophy
made to look exactly like the head of late '90s television icon Newsboy.
(LAUGHTER)
Competing for this trophy and what remains of their dignity,
we have Abby Howells... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Ben Hurley... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Hayley Sproull... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...and Tom Sainsbury. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
And tonight, representing Tofiga Fepulea'i here in the studio,
she's a winner of life and a loser of Taskmaster ― Madeleine Sami.
(CHEERING)
And to my left is the person who answers the question ―
'What if you combined Siri and Alexa and turned them into a single human man with sadness in his eyes?
(LAUGHTER)
Ladies and gentlemen ― Paul Williams!
(WILD CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
All right, what's the first task of the show?
- As always, we begin with a prize task.
We've asked each contestant to bring in the secret to their success.
- AUDIENCE: Ooooh! - OK. Mm.
Some very successful people up on stage here. - HAYLEY: Mm.
- Let's start with Ben. - Sure. The secret to my success
is a VHS of the 1986 movie starring Michael J Fox, 'The Secret to My Success'.
(LAUGHTER)
(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)
- I actually still have this. I taped this off TV,
probably somewhere in the early '90s, on a repeat― - Oh...
- ...so it also has half an episode of Knight Rider.
- Oh! (LAUGHTER)
Hayley, what did you bring in?
- I've actually brought in my mother ― in the '90s, specifically.
And just a moment for the haircut. (LAUGHTER)
But I'm not gonna give you my mother, cos I still need her quite a bit ―
I want to give you an audio of her yelling at me to practise my scales every day on the piano.
I think we have a little, uh, clip of her...
- RECORDING: Turn that TV off and get on that piano!
Beethoven didn't have a TV, and that's why he's Beethoven.
(LAUGHTER)
You slam that piano lid one more time,
and you're not going to Jessica's party. (LAUGHTER)
- I didn't get to go to Jessica's party. - Oh.
- Is it weird to anyone else that Hayley's mum is former mother of the nation, Judy Bailey?
- Very similar.
- I don't know why,
but I've got a 'Judy Bailey having sex with Hilary Barry' sort of vibe when I look at her.
- From what I know about you, that is your dream. - Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
- Let's move on to Madeleine. (LAUGHTER)
- Oh, the secret to my success ― it's my mortgage.
(LAUGHTER)
- Yeah, it's what keeps me up at night.
It's what wakes me up in the morning. It's the reason I'm on the stage right now.
- TOM: And the winner gets to take it home.
- I just found a loophole. - Yeah.
- Unless I win.
- Tom, what did you bring in?
- Well, every morning when I wake up at 5am
and I've written out my gratitude journal and just done some meditation,
(LAUGHTER) - Oh, bless. - I like to, um...
I like to have― - Namaste. - ...a sip of my home-made kombucha.
- HAYLEY: Ew. OK. (LAUGHTER)
- But it's got some special ingredients,
so I think we'll just look at the ingredients that we've got there.
So we've got guilt... (LAUGHTER)
...shame, narcissism, people-pleasing,
and may contain traces of imposter syndrome.
So that's why it's― - HAYLEY: Yeah. Right.
- You know, you just have a sip of that and you're away ― very neurotically.
- Should it glow in the dark like the rod at the start of The Simpsons? - CHUCKLES: Yeah.
Gives me that beautiful kind of glow, I think.
- Abby. - Yes?
- What did you bring in? - Um, I brought in my autism assessment sheet.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
So, um... I have it,
and I think my best qualities are my autistic qualities.
I know heaps about cool stuff like the Titanic and Phantom of the Opera,
and, uh, I can't tell a lie,
and I tell― take everything very literally.
- As part of the prize, does the autism come with,
or just the confirmation? - Oh. You wish!
(LAUGHTER)
- I just― I just want the Titanic knowledge. - Yeah, same!
- Oh. Oh my gosh, honestly― - Oh, you started her.
- I know. - Once you get into it...
- It wasn't just the rich people that survived, eh? It wasn't― That's a bit of a fallacy.
- Yes, a lot of rich people died ― or a lot of the rich men actually died.
- Oh, boo. - Yeah. Yeah. (LAUGHTER)
Yeah. - So devastating.
- Sometimes I make myself cry just thinking about being in that situation, you know?
And it's like, you're on the boat, and all the men were very gentle―
(LAUGHS) Sorry. (LAUGHTER)
All the men were very gentlemanly. - No, the men were nice. The men were good.
- Men are nice. They get a rough time.
- There were some baddies, though. Billy Zane's character.
- Yeah. He wasn't good.
- Yes, that's a really funny joke, but actually, it's not... (LAUGHTER)
...historically accurate. (LAUGHS)
- Duh, Paul (!) - Paul.
- OK. Shall we score it? - We should.
- Oh, one point's going to be Madeleine.
- (SCOFFS) Oh, for... (LAUGHTER)
- No one wants that. - It's just a bit of a downer with the mortgage.
Ben's gonna get two. - Two!
- Hayley's gonna get three. - OK.
- Four points for Tom for the kombucha. - Thank you.
- And Abby's gonna get five points.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Let's get to the first proper task of the episode,
shall we, Paul? - Let's see how our contestants stack up in this one.
(EPIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)
- Hi, PW.
- Hi, TS.
- You all right, Paul?
- Yes.
- Hello, rainy Paul on a ball.
- Hello, rainy Hayley on the lawn. - It's a shame you couldn't get that to rhyme.
- All right.
Rrrr―aargh!
- Don't push that over, please. - OK.
- READS: 'Remove the blocks from the tower and place them back on top.'
- 'You must follow the instructions written on every block you remove.'
- 'Blocks must be removed one at a time.
'Most blocks removed before the tower topples wins.'
- 'You have 20 minutes until the tower topples.'
- 'Your time starts now.'
OK. I guess I get underway.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- So, am I allowed to say― This is basically just a game of Jenga, isn't it?
- No. It's legally very different from Jenga. (LAUGHTER)
Jenga ― famously three blocks across. - Yes.
- This is four, so it's a completely different thing. - Totally. OK.
Well, who are we gonna see play this brand-new game that you've invented ―
first? - Up first,
it's Hayley, Hurley and Howells.
(LAUGHTER)
- OK.
All right.
- READS: 'Give the next three blocks a name and introduce them to Paul.'
Paul ―
I'd like you to meet Diane.
- Hello, Diane. - POSH: Diane's very well-to-do.
- Ooh, that one came out nice and easy.
READS: 'Write a beautiful poem and read it out while removing the next block.'
Block, block,
you never mock,
just like a...
nice warm sock.
(LAUGHTER)
- 'Barrel the camera as you remove the next block.'
(LAUGHTER)
- I'd like you to meet Paulette. She's Diane's sister. She's also quite fancy.
Quite racist as well. (LAUGHTER)
- 'Sing a brand-new original song about removing blocks.'
- # I love to remove blocks every day.
# I like to live my life in a precious way.
- Can I just do the poem in musical form?
# Block, block, you never mock,
# just like a...
# lovely warm... sock.
- This is Gavin.
Gavin is down-and-out.
- I've been there. Iamthere.
- 'The next block may only be pushed.'
- 'The next block you remove must be yellow.'
- 'Remove... (LAUGHS) the next block with your feet.'
- 'The next block you remove must be orange.'
- 'Pat yourself on the back before removing the next block.'
Well done, old chap.
- 'Remove the next block while standing at least 1m away.'
Aaaargh!
- 'Remove the next block while repeatedly doing high kicks.'
(LAUGHTER)
'Remove the next block standing on one leg.'
'Remove the next block wearing a blindfold.'
'Freeze for 20 seconds while halfway through removing the next block.'
(LAUGHTER)
- 'Remove the next block while standing at least 2m away.'
Oh, come on.
Can I have the tennis balls? - OK.
Imagine if this just flies out.
(TENSE ELECTRONIC MUSIC)
(MUSIC BECOMES SERENE)
(EXCLAMATIONS, APPLAUSE)
(GIVES DISTORTED, SLO-MO ROAR)
(CHEERING)
- WHOOPS: Oh... ho ho!
Oh!
Oh no!
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
Did you see that coming?
- Maybe one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. - (LAUGHS)
- The risky one.
(JAUNTY OLD-TIME JAZZ MUSIC)
- GRUNTS: Oh...
- Heads. - Aargh!
(BLOCKS CLATTER)
- Watch out. - (SCREAMS)
Bloomin' 'eck!
- (BLOWS WHISTLE) - Oh. I didn't get it out.
- I still can't believe you threw the tennis ball and hit it out. - (LAUGHS)
I say this as a proud father of two daughters,
but it's the greatest thing I've ever achieved. (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
- Unreal. - (LAUGHS)
- I think I speak for everyone here where I say
that is possibly the greatest thing that's ever happened in the history of New Zealand.
- HAYLEY: Yeah. (LAUGHTER)
- To be honest, yeah, I kind of wanted to just retire from Taskmaster at that point.
Like, leave on a high. - Retire from life, man.
- Yeah. True. - ABBY: Valhalla awaits.
(LAUGHTER)
- Hayley, you were tasked at one stage with giving the blocks names. - Yeah. Paulette and Diane.
- You ended up giving them full personalities with backstories ― one was racist.
- Yes. I think that's Paulette. She's quite racist.
She'll happily take you into the home if you are brown, but she would like to take a photo.
(LAUGHTER)
- This is very triggering for me. I'm... (LAUGHTER)
- Come, darling, I'll make you a fine sandwich, darling.
Come into my home― - OK. I'll do anything for free food.
- There you go. - I'm a stereotype. (LAUGHTER)
- Abby. - Mm?
- Talk us through the creative process of writing the song, 'I love to remove blocks every day,
'I like to live my life in a precious way.' (LAUGHTER)
- Quite a few times, I would do a task and then come back and sit in my little room
and think, 'Am I insane?'
(LAUGHTER)
And that was one of those moments, I think.
- So, the stats― - Yes.
- Hayley removed 18 blocks... - That's good.
- ...Ben, 20 blocks... - HAYLEY: OK. That's better. That's better.
- Abby, 28 blocks. - AUDIENCE: Oooh! - Oh my goodness.
- She was speedy. - Oh, who's talking about the ball now? (LAUGHS)
- All right ― well, that is the end of part one.
Join us for part two in just a moment,
where our comedians will probably just be playing a game of Monopoly.
We'll see you then.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(UPBEAT FANFARE)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Kia ora koutou ano ― welcome back to Taskmaster,
a show that is now witnessing a slow decline
after it peaked when Ben Hurley threw a tennis ball.
(LAUGHTER)
- What are we doing now, Paul?
- Our comedians were removing blocks from a tower and following the tasks written on the blocks.
We've seen Abby, Ben and Hayley, so now it's time for Tofiga and Tom to tackle the tumblingtower.
- HAYLEY: Ooh! - TOM: Yeah.
- READS: 'Bribe Paul to do the next block for you.'
I'll be your friend if you can move this block.
- What does that mean ― 'be your friend'?
- I never liked you right from the start.
(LAUGHTER) I'm only doing it so you can help me with the tasks.
I'll be a real friend ― like, a genuine friend, if you can move this block for me.
- Which block? - That one there.
- READS: 'Remove the next block wearing a blindfold.'
- 'The next block you remove must be green.'
- (INHALES SHARPLY) Oh...
- 'Put this block back where you found it.'
OK. Next one.
- 'Barrel the camera as you remove the next block.'
(INTRIGUING MUSIC)
(LAUGHTER)
Ayyy!
'Remove the next block while standing...
- '...1m away.'
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(EXCLAMATIONS, LAUGHTER) - Are you serious?!
(LAUGHTER)
- GRUNTS: Yeah. - AUDIENCE: Aww.
- I've stopped the clock.
- Are you kidding me?
- It was quite a strong wind,
but you did take one of the bottom blocks.
You happy with that? - Nah.
- Don't stab the duck. - I'm not gonna stab the duck.
(LAUGHTER)
Hi, honey.
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
- Be honest, Tom ― were you gonna stab that duck?
- Yeah, pretty much. - HAYLEY: Yeah. (LAUGHTER)
- The wind was against me. I refused to lose.
- How many blocks did Tom end up getting?
- Tom? Three blocks.
(LAUGHTER)
- Tofiga ― six blocks. - OK.
- How many friends did you get?
- One. (LAUGHTER, WHOOPING)
- Did you? - That was a big day for you. Do you guys keep in touch now?
- Let's just say it might not be by blood, but we are brothers.
(LAUGHTER)
- LAUGHS: Wow! (WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)
That's beautiful.
- OK, so how are we going to score that?
- That means... one point for Tom,
two points for Tofiga, three points for Hayley,
four points for Ben,
and five points― - Yay! - ...for Abby.
- Great. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Sexy. - Such a nerd.
- OK. So where does that leave our scores for the episode so far, Paul?
- Great question, Jeremy.
Out in first with a perfect 10 points ―
it's Abby Howells.
- BEN: Yeah! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- All right ― what do you reckon about showing us another task, then, Paul?
- I reckon great idea, Jeremy.
I enjoyed this task more than anything in the world and I simply cannot wait to relive it.
(QUIRKY, TINNY MUSIC)
- Ma'am.
- And to you, sir.
- Knock-knock. - Who's there?
- Orange. - Orange who?
- Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
- You never said banana. - Oh.
- Right. Let's do this.
- READS: 'Relive the best moment of your life.'
- 'Most amazing... reliving... the best moment... wins.'
- 'You have 30 minutes. Your time― - '...starts...'
- '...now.'
LAUGHS: Oh, man.
(SIGHS) What was the best moment of my life?
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
- So are we doing the reliving here? Am I gonna be judging the reliving part,
or are we judging the best moment ― who had the best moment?
- Best reliving. - OK, right. Right. Let's get stuck into it, then.
- Meeting this person was a top five moment of my life.
It's Hayley Sproull. (LAUGHTER)
- Best moment of my life.
NASAL: Meeting my fiance.
(LAUGHTER)
- Meeting your fiance? - Yeah. I hate women that are... are like that.
- Although I will say one of my best moments was meeting your fiance.
- That was one of the best moments of your life?
Let's do the moment I met my fiance.
OK, this is how it happened ― I was sitting in a drama school meeting,
and he walked in, and he's 6'6,
and I went like this... (INHALES SHARPLY)
And then my friend looked at me and laughed,
and then I turned to her and I said, 'That's mine.'
- OK. (LAUGHTER) - OK.
All right. (EXHALES SHARPLY)
Bit of a warm-up... before my scene in King Lear.
Hey...
My liege!
My lieeeege!
Huh...
Forsooth, my liege!
That's it. That's it. Now she's found it.
Forsooth, my liege!
(DRAMATIC STING)
(GASPS)
(STRUTTING GUITAR ROCK MUSIC)
(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING)
(MUSIC STOPS)
(LAUGHTER)
Mine.
(LAUGHTER)
- DRAWLS: Man, I wish somebody would come smoke a cigarette with me out on the smokers'steps.
- I will. (LAUGHTER)
- OK.
- (EXHALES) He's a big boy.
That's a big boy.
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
Wow.
- So, Hayley, you went from hating women who say that the greatest moment was meeting their fiance
to actually re-enacting it with Paul? - Yeah.
- Well, I felt terrible for saying it, because love is lovely, isn't it?
And then Paul was so fizzed over my fiance as well, I was like, 'Well, let's do a fantasy for both of us.'
- Why―? I didn't get why you were dressed like an apprentice witch. (LAUGHTER)
- Cos it's drama school. So you―
- Oh. - Where did you study drama? Hogwarts?
(LAUGHTER) - Honestly, not that dissimilar.
- So who have we got next, Paul?
- Meeting this person was a top five moment of my life.
(LAUGHTER) It's Abby Howells.
(APPLAUSE)
- (SIGHS) What was the best moment of my life?
I know what it is.
It was when I played the Lion in my high school production of The Wizard of Oz. (LAUGHS)
I came out at the end, and I got, like, the biggest cheer,
and my mum actually told me afterwards that I needed to tone it down a bit when I cameout,
but I didn't.
- The other cast members might watch this and they might think they got bigger cheers.
- It was the Lion show, baby. Everybody knew it.
- OK. - OK.
Let's do it.
- ECHOING: Lion! Lion!
Lion! Lion! Lion! Lion! (SOARING MUSIC)
Lion!
(MUSIC SWELLS)
(LAUGHTER)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(MUSIC FADES, APPLAUSE)
More Lion! More Lion!
- Did someone say more Lion?
(SOARING MUSIC RESUMES)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- ECHOING: Lion! Lion!
Lion! Lion!
Lion!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- HAYLEY: Rare timing. - Really great.
- Thank you. - If that was a true reflection of what actually happened,
I totally see what your mother was saying. (LAUGHTER)
I've never seen someone so happy with themselves in all my life.
- LAUGHS: That's what my mum said. (LAUGHTER)
- Did you do the voice, like in the movie? With the― - 100% I did the voice.
- 'Oh! Oh, lemme at him. Lemme at him.' - With a little― a little...
- Put 'em up. Put 'em up!
(LAUGHTER) - Oop, she's good! - Yeah.
- Paul, so far, we've had two drama students hooking up, and one of them getting a round of applause ―
do you think maybe we should go to one of the comedians who's actually had a child or something?
- Meeting this person was one of the top five moments of my life. (LAUGHTER)
It's Tofiga Fepulea'i.
- Best... moment of my life.
Having my kids.
- Having your kids do what?
(LAUGHTER) - When they were born. - Oh.
- You can be my wife.
- OK. (LAUGHTER)
- Is there a bed upstairs? - OK.
- To film the― thing. Not to make the babies, but... you know, you giving birth to the baby.
- OK. - OK.
Aren't you excited? I'm really excited. It's our first child.
- I'm excited. - So excited.
- (GROANS)
(LAUGHTER)
- You're doing fine.
- (GROANS) - Yeah.
- WAILS: Haaaaargh!
- I can see the feet!
I can see the feet, yeah? - (WAILS)
Oh! (WAILS)
- LAUGHS: Oh wow!
Hey, he looks like his mum! (LAUGHTER)
- OK. - What do you think we should name him?
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER) - I'm not sure.
- (LAUGHS)
- He's beautiful.
(LAUGHTER) Round two? - If you can make it quick.
- OK. - Cos there's an important rugby game on.
- (WAILS) - Oh, wow!
Our second son.
Last one should be easy-pea, just like that. Just one push, and boom!
(LAUGHTER) - HIGH: Aaaaargh...
- Oh, and it's gone back in! You have to go ― again!
- (WAILS TUNEFULLY)
(LAUGHTER)
- Wahey!
Wow. Most incredible moment of my life.
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
- I'll tell you what ― That was my second time on Taskmaster New Zealand giving birth,
after I gave birth to Angella Dravid in season one. - That's right.
- And I tell you what, it doesn't get any easier. (LAUGHTER)
- MADELEINE: I really enjoyed the angelic way in which you screamed the pain.
- HAYLEY AND MADELEINE: # Oh... # - Yeah.
- Very interesting interpretation of how a woman gives birth to a child. - Thank you.
Well, in fairness, I've only been at one birth. - HAYLEY: Right.
- And I was very young. (LAUGHTER)
I was split-seconds old. - Oh yeah.
I'd love to see more, but it's time for me to enjoy the best moment of my life,
which is throwing to an ad break during Taskmaster for the 47th time. (LAUGHTER)
Here we go. It's time for the ads.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(UPBEAT FANFARE)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Nau mai, hoki mai. Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Before the break, we were watching comedians re-enact the best moments of their lives,
and it turns out they haven't done much.
(LAUGHTER) Who have you got next for me, Paul?
- Meeting this person was a top five moment of my life.
(LAUGHTER) - It's Tom Sainsbury.
- Oh! (APPLAUSE)
- What's the best moment of my life?
Do you know what it was? - What?
- I don't know if we can do this legally. Can we re-enact Little Shop Of Horrors?
- We could probably do, like, a― - ...version of it.
- Were you in the play? - No, I was watching it.
- Oh. You watched it. - I was like― I watched it as an 8-year-old,
and it started me on my... It fired off everything in my brain.
- OK. - OK, let's do this.
- AMERICAN ACCENT: Where did you come from, strange little plant?
# Please
# get bigger for me.
Please...
# get bigger
# for me. #
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
- GRUFF: Please, Paulmore. Give me plasma.
- (GUFFAWS)
(LAUGHTER)
It's so funny.
- I'm a big Venus flytrap
from deep in the galaxy!
I want you inside me, Paulmore!
I want you inside me! - (GASPS)
- Aaah! - (GASPS)
- Aaah!
(SNAZZY BIG-BAND MUSIC)
- # Small boutique
# of terror.
- Whoo-hoo! - Thank you!
(SNAZZY MUSIC CONTINUES)
- Wow. This 'thea-treh' thing is amazing, Papa.
(SIGHS) I think I've been put on a different path in this lifetime.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
(WHOOPING)
- I would like to say, for legal reasons, that wasnot Little Shop of Horrors.
- It was― What was it called? - Small Boutique of Terrors. - That's right.
- I was in a production of Little Shop of Horrors― - HAYLEY: Mm. Me too.
- For Onehunga High School. It was pretty cool. - BEN: Same. Hawera High School.
- Yeah. - You were in it too? - I was the dentist,
but I guess in your production,
I'd be, like, the podiatrist or something. - HAYLEY: Yeah, yeah.
- No, the orthodontist. - (LAUGHS)
- I've never been in it. - Oh, we should do it. All of us. - BEN: Yeah.
- Stay tuned for tickets for our performance― - TOM: Exactly.
- ...of Little Shop of Horrors. - I absolutely can't wait for that.
- What was it? What was it about, Little Shop of Horrors?
- A horror...
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
- Shops. - ...a shop. - Shops.
- CHUCKLES: Um... No.
The musical element to it ― a play, a horror.
They― In the play, they all get eaten by the plant. And that just―
- Spoiler. (LAUGHTER)
- That just wonderfully excited me. - You know ― can a vegetarian eat a carnivorous plant?
- Oh, good― - That's self-defence.
(LAUGHTER)
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE, WHOOPING) Wouldn't it be? It'd be self-defence.
- Like, if you got eaten by a broccoli...
- If I got eaten by broccoli, I'd be like, 'It was worth it.'
(LAUGHTER) - Me too. Me too.
- So we've only got one comedian left, and I know that he has two beautiful, healthy children,
so I think it's safe to assume he's going to relive that.
- Meeting this person...
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
I've― I've met him. (LAUGHTER)
It's Ben. (WHOOPING)
- Mate, the best moment of my life was when I...
knocked that Jenga thing out with a tennis ball. (LAUGHTER)
(EPIC, SOARING MUSIC)
(LAUGHTER, LIGHT APPLAUSE)
I mean, that was...
quite something.
- We've got the blocks. - Yeah.
- And the ball.
- OK.
(LAUGHTER)
- Good luck, Ben Hurley.
You'll never be able to knock a block out of the tower with a tennis ball from way back there.
- Darn you, Paul! Why do you gotta make these tasks so gosh-darn hard?
- Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! (LAUGHTER)
(LOW, DISTORTED EVIL LAUGHTER)
(MYSTICAL FLUTE MUSIC)
(OWL CALLS)
(GROWLS BESTIALLY)
(BLADE SINGS, THUDDING)
(EXCLAMATIONS, LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
- DISTORTED: Noooo! - (GIVES DISTORTED CHEER)
Ha!
(FUNKY MUSIC)
That's the kind of thing I do all the time.
- He's unbelievably cool.
(FUNKY MUSIC CONTINUES)
- There's... nothing left for me here now.
(LAUGHTER)
Good luck with all your future endeavours, Earthlings.
(SOLEMN, HEAVENLY MUSIC) (DING!)
Thought so.
(HEAVENLY MUSIC CONTINUES)
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
- OK, so everyone's seen what happened earlier on in the episode. - Mm.
- Now we've seen your remembering of it, but everyone's seen the other. You think the two...
Can you see how they might not...? - Really in life, there is no true objectivity, Jeremy.
(LAUGHTER) Everything is seen through a lens,
and that was my lens. - HAYLEY: Wow.
- I feel like the second one was objectively worse. (LAUGHTER)
- I agree. - It's sort of like doing a remake of a movie too soon.
- Yeah. - Do you know what I mean?
It's like, we don't need― - HAYLEY: Give it time.
- Yeah, we need, like, 20 years in between, not just straight away. - Yeah.
- It almost makes the first task seem shit now.
Do you know what I mean? - BEN: Hey!
- You're right, actually. - Sorry. - You don't even go here.
- Sorry, I'm just― I don't even go here. (LAUGHTER)
I'll go. I'll go.
- How do you want to score it? - (BLOWS AIR) This is gonna be quite difficult.
I― I think Ben definitely gets one point.
- AUDIENCE: Aww! - OK.
- Because I saw that― I just saw the original, and it was just nothing like it.
So― - It's too fresh. - ...there was nothing there for me.
- Um... Tofiga, I will give two points to.
I thought it was a great performance, but there were three moments.
I think, Hayley, three points for you ― great turnaround on what you thought was―
how you hated people that did things― - Mm.
and you became one of those people very quickly. So I appreciate that. - Thank you...
to my love. - Tom, I think four points for The Little Shop of Horrors,
and Abby― - Nerd. - ...five points.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) - Well done, Abby. - Thank you.
- Well done. Well done. - Thank you, Hayley.
- It was very moving. It was very moving. - You have to― He's bullying me!
- OK, I'm about ready for another task. You got something for me, Paul?
- It's time for the first team task of the season.
(AUDIENCE WHOOPS, GASPS) But also...
it's time for the first top-secret mission of the season.
- AUDIENCE: Ooooh.
(QUIRKY, TINNY MUSIC)
- Hi, Paul. - Hello, Ben.
- (CHUCKLES) Hello, Paul. - Hello, Abby.
- What― What do I do?
(LAUGHTER)
Oh. In here? - Yeah.
- Have a wee look...
Oh... (CHUCKLES)
Just got really nervous. (LAUGHS)
READS: 'Be the most excited to meet your team-mates.'
- 'They can't know about this task.'
- 'One person on the other team has received this task.'
- 'If you're more excited than them, your team wins.'
- 'Your time starts when you meet your team-mates.'
- Do you understand the task?
- Be excited?
- Yeah.
- Whoo! (LAUGHTER)
- Quite excited. - Yeah.
- No problem. No problem.
I'm quite excitable.
- OK.
I'm going. - Thank you, Ben.
- Whoo!
(LAUGHTER)
- Hey, Paul. - Ciao, Tofiga.
- Hi, Paul. - Ciao, Hayley.
- TOM, WARMLY: Hello.
Hi! Hello!
Hi! (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHTER)
- That was a nice surprise. - Hi!
CHUCKLES: Big fan.
Big fans! - Yeah.
- Do you have a task for me? - I do.
- Can I have it? - Not quite.
- Why not?
- Ohhhh! - (SHRIEKS JOYFULLY)
(LAUGHS) - (LAUGHS)
- This is the best! This is the best!
- (SHRIEKS) - Wa-hoo!
(LAUGHS)
- Not too bad. - No. - Hi, hello!
Hi, I'm Abby. Nice to meet you! - Oh my God― Hi, nice to meet you. - Hello.
It's so lovely to meet you. - Eh? Nice to meet you.
- What a cute outfit. - Oh, your outfit looks so nice.
- We all went for such cute outfits. - Yeah, I love it. - Did I?
- Boo! - Aargh!
- Did we just become best friends?
YEAHHH!
- (LAUGHS) - (YELLS JOYFULLY)
- Nice to meet you, eh. - Yeah, so nice to meet you. - Big fan as well.
- So nice― Oh my gosh. - Big― Big― I feel all sheepish. - I know.
- Ah... I'm gonna do break dancing!
- What the hell are you doing? - Break dancing, I'm so happy!
Pow!
- Do you know, when you hugged me, um― you popped my bra strap.
(LAUGHTER)
- That's how excited we are. (SIGHS) Ah...
- Just let that...
- Yep, yup. Yup, that's for real. (APPLAUSE)
- So... (HAYLEY AND MADELEINE LAUGH)
before I score that, how do you think you went, Abby?
(LAUGHTER)
- I got stage fright, because I'd never met Tofiga before.
And I was like, 'Oh, he's gonna think you're a big silly goose if you go, "Ooh, er!"'
- It was already an awkward situation when Tom had walked in―
- Yeah. - ...and then by the time you arrived there,
there was, like, triple awkward going on. - Yeah.
What, you think Captain Autism is gonna make that less awkward? (LAUGHTER)
Yeah.
It's what I do, baby.
- So, Hayley, how do you feel about Ben now that you've watched that?
- Honestly? So betrayed. (LAUGHTER)
- I wouldn't have done the streamer or the break dancing, but I would have done everything else. Normally.
- It all just feels like a lie to me now, and I don't trust you any more. - OK.
- That's a good old-fashioned trouncing, that one.
That's― - How do you want to score it? - Ooh, she's a 1-5 trouncing.
(GROANS, EXCLAMATIONS) There's no other way you can do it.
- So, one for Abby and her team― - Tom.
And Tofiga, yeah. - OK. - Sorry, team.
- And then she's a five for Ben and Hayley,
cos that was next-level from Ben. - Really, it was a lot.
- Is this the first time you've not got an A?
(LAUGHTER, GROANS) - She was perfect this episode.
- Oh, is this the first time you've talked to a woman?
(LAUGHTER)
- Uh, second ― and the first one's underwear fell off.
(LAUGHTER)
- So that's not the team task, obviously. - HAYLEY: OK. No, of course.
So I actually can't wait to find out what the actual team task is ―
and we're gonna learn together, in a few minutes.
Act excited ― it's another ad break. We'll see you soon with more Taskmaster.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(UPBEAT FANFARE)
(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)
Welcome back to Taskmaster. What's going on, Paul?
- We are in the midst of our first team task,
which began with a secret mission to act excited.
Ben acted extremely excited, and I think Abby forgot about the secret mission.
(LAUGHTER) - OK. All right.
Can we see the actual task now, please, Paul?
- Si.
- (ABBY LAUGHS) - (LAUGHS)
READS: 'Make a leaning tower of dry pasta.'
- 'If you break one of the three secret rules,
'you must step away from the tower, and Paul will trigger a punishment.'
- 'You cannot interfere with the punishment devices.
'Best and most leaning pasta tower wins.'
- 'You have 25 minutes. Your time starts now.'
- Oh my God, you didn't delay.
I always delay before I say, 'Your time starts now,' so I can think about it for free.
- I do too usually, but I'm just so excited that it's Hayley. - OK, well, what have you done?
- So ― what's the idea here? We've got pasta― I heard 'pasta', and I heard 'secret rules'.
Yes. So the aim is to make the best and most leaning tower,
but that is made harder if they break my secret rules.
- Well, how do they know about the secret rules?
- They don't know about the secret rules. (LAUGHTER)
That's why they're secret. - It's mean.
- 'Ecco entrambe la squadre.'
'Guardere.'
(LAUGHTER)
- Um― - So we don't know the rules, Paul?
- No. - If we accidentally break one, there's a punishment.
- Yeah. - OK. - OK.
- Step back, please. (FLICKS SWITCH)
(FANS WHIRR)
(LAUGHTER)
- Has anyone got any ideas to begin with? - Can we leave the lab?
- Oh yeah, good idea.
READS: 'Make a leaning tower of dry pasta. - Is this allowed, Paul?
- Step back, please. - ABBY AND TOM: Oh, no.
- So that's one of them. You can't leave the lab. - I didn't say that.
- What about, like, a pyramid? - Yeah, yeah― - Step back, please.
- Is it, like, 'P' words or something? (LAUGHS)
- The problem with pasta is it's dried, so...
- Step back, please.
- OK.
- You're just gonna not talk any more?
(LAUGHTER) It's not talking.
We know it's not talking, Paul.
(LAUGHS) Oh, for... (LAUGHTER, GROANS)
- We can't say another 'P' word either.
- Oh, penis. (LAUGHS)
- Step back, please. (LAUGHTER)
- Everything starting with that letter, eh?
- Don't say 'Paul' again. - No, it's 'P' words.
Pyramid. Paul.
(WHACK!)
- Pasta. See? - Shh!
- It's all right. We're in purgatory. (LAUGHS)
- Oh, for God's sake. (LAUGHTER)
- OK, you've figured it out. - OK.
- Where would you recommend... On the seam?
- The seam of what? - The seam of the two... - ...materials.
Not gonna get us that easily, Paul.
Oh, f― (LAUGHTER)
Sorry, everyone.
- Is there gonna be stuff on the outside now?
- Like, little...
pou?
(AUDIENCE GROANS) - Step back, please.
- (WHISPERS) - Oh, Hayley.
- ABBY: Tom, this is excellent. - Mamma mia, this tower is really taking shape.
- (LAUGHS)
- BEN: That is so sturdy. - That's not going anywhere. - That's not goin' nowhere.
- Step back, please.
(WHIZZ, RATTLING)
- Oh, come on! (AUDIENCE GROANS)
- (GASPS)
- I don't think we're allowed to touch.
- (MACHINE BEEPS) - You and me? - Mm.
- What about our undeniable chemistry? - LAUGHS: I know.
- And afterwards, we can cook it.
- BAD ITALIAN ACCENT: Just like 'ow my nonna does back in Italy. - (LAUGHS)
It's architecturally interesting, I think.
- Step back, please.
(GROANS, LAUGHTER)
12 minutes.
- Thank you.
- Thank you...?
- ...friend. (LAUGHTER)
- What did we do? How did we break the rule?
- I don't know. Think that guy was just being a prick.
- Mm.(GASPS) Oh... (LAUGHTER)
- (LAUGHS) - (CHUCKLES)
- If we just put the things in...
(LAUGHTER) - (BEN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
- What do you―?
Ohhhh, wow! (LAUGHS) (GROANS, EXCLAMATIONS)
- Ooh! - And that's got a lean.
- Mamma mia, what a tower. - (LAUGHS)
(LIVELY ACCORDION MUSIC)
- Mm.
It's prett―
(GROANS, LAUGHTER)
What?
- 40 seconds.
- Oh... - Stay.
- TOM: Let's try and get a bit more height.
- 16 seconds.
- I'm gonna try, I'm gonna try. - Oh...
- (GASPS) - Oh!
- Oh, perfect. - Yes. - It's definitely leaning.
- Ooh. - (LAUGHS)
- I mean, now we're just... - Just making it look pretty.
(LAUGHTER)
(SWITCH CLICKS)
- Bring it on.
- (BLOWS WHISTLE)
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
- LAUGHS: We did it! Yeah!
- Can you tell us the third rule? - No. - OK.
He never says anything. - BEN: No.
(WISTFUL MUSIC)
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS, GROANS)
(LAUGHTER, GROANS)
(APPLAUSE)
- OK... so am I meant to judge them before or after they were hit by that wrecking ball?
- Before. - OK.
- So the third rule was if they spoke in an Italian accent,
a giant meatball would swing down and destroy their tower.
- Ohhh. - OK.
- So I was kind of trying to prompt them. - You were?
- Uh... - Just made you look like a psycho.
- Oh yes. (LAUGHTER)
- It was about the Leaning Tower ― the idea was that it was the best leaning tower, wasn't it?
- Yes. - Yeah.
And I thought that Abby, Tom and Tofiga's one actually looked slightly like that.
I mean, it looked like a giant phallus coming out of the Leaning Tower ―
I mean, here's the― There's a phallic part to it,
slightly on the right there, you've gotta say.
(LAUGHTER) Well, that's good.
- HAYLEY: I would like to point out that we used nothing but pasta.
We didn't have glue or tape or any kind of aid.
That was just a self-contained pasta structure.
- That's a rubber band. (LAUGHTER)
- Made entirely from slightly sucked pasta.
(LAUGHTER) - OK.
I will go two points for Hayley and Ben,
and four points for Abby, Tofiga and Tom.
- OK.
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING) - HAYLEY: Glue. Glue and tape.
- Glue and tape. Who knew? - Glue and tape.
- So now that we've followed the three rules of pasta towers,
it's time for you to follow the three rules of advertising ―
buy, buy, buy ― we'll see you after this.
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
(UPBEAT FANFARE)
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
Tena tatou ― welcome back to Taskmaster.
It's almost time for our live task, which could decide it all.
But first, Paul ― how's our scoreboard looking tonight?
- In first place, it's Abby Howells on 20 points.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Interesting.
Everyone, please make your way to the stage for the live task.
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)
OK, Paul ― who's reading the task tonight?
- Madeleine Sami, on behalf of Tofiga.
- Thank you so much. And can I just say it's a privilege to be here...
and, uh...
go season one Taskmaster! OK, here we go. Um... (LAUGHTER)
- READS: 'Fan out your flame.
'You cannot move from or move your mat.
'You may not throw items. If your candle falls, you are disqualified.
'Fastest fanned-out flame wins.'
- Contestants ― ready? - HAYLEY: Yeah. - ABBY: Yes.
- (BLOWS WHISTLE)
- (BEN BLOWS AIR)
- Feet back, Tom. Foot back.
Hayley, foot back, please. (AUDIENCE SHOUT)
- SQUEALS: Yeah! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Hayley! Hayley, foot back! - (BLOWS AIR)
- Tom. Foot on the mat, please.
- HAYLEY: Come on, Mads! Come on, Mads! Be a friend. Come on, Mads.
- Foot back. (LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- (TOM PANTS, GRUNTS)
Yeah. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- (BEN BLOWS AIR) (LAUGHTER)
- (ABBY GROANS IN FRUSTRATION) - Are we gonna battle out for one point?
- Oh, no― Yeah. I will. (LAUGHTER)
- You couldn't have scripted this, Jeremy.
It's nerd verse jock.
(LAUGHTER)
- (ABBY GRUNTS, PANTS)
- My God.
- Go out! (LAUGHTER)
- She's practising sorcery.
(LAUGHTER)
- Now, this is... (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
Uh...
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
(TENSE OLD-TIME MUSIC)
- TOM: You're flaming― You're inflaming it. You're adding oxygen.
- HAYLEY: Oh, there you go! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Abby, would you like to blow out your flame?
- (BLOWS SHARPLY)
Oh... (LAUGHTER)
(BLOWS AIR) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Aargh...
- Come back down and let's see how that's affected the scores.
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
- So, based on that live task,
Abby gets one point, Ben gets two,
Tom gets three, four for Hayley,
and the winner of the live task, with five points, representing Tofiga, was Madeleine Sami.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Well done.
- Great― Great use of the jacket. - Thank you.
- OK, so where do we sit, though, for the episode?
- Our winner by one point ― second place was Hayley ―
first place is Abby Howells!
- Oh, am I? (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Congratulations, Abby.
You're now the proud owner of five success-inducing secrets.
Go up and enjoy your bounty, please. - I was so close!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Well done, Abby.
- Thank you for joining us for another episode of Taskmaster tonight.
We've learnt how important it is to really make something of your life
so that your single greatest achievement
isn't watching an amateur production of Little Shop of Horrors― (LAUGHTER)
or chucking a tennis ball at a block of wood.
(LAUGHTER)
But most importantly, we've learnt that the winner of Taskmaster season five, episode two
is Abby Howells!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
I've been Jeremy Wells. We'll see you next time. Goodnight. Ka kite ano.
('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
- Drink, drink, drink, drink, yeah.
(CHANTS)
- Whoa. (CHUCKLES)
- OK, Paul, shall we get down to business?
(CROWD ROARS)
- PAINED: Aargh!
(EXCLAMATIONS)
- That's five points from me. (LAUGHTER)
- SHOUTS: Yes!
You're under arrest! - He can't help but be an alpha.
(LAUGHTER)