- Hello.
- Hey.
- Two...
- Come on!
- Whee-hee!
- That's for the haters.
- (GRUNTS)
- Clink, clink.
- Chicken Little. - Chee!
- Pow-pow-pow!
Oh! - No! - Yaargh!
- Hee-hee-hee!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2024
(DING!)
- Kia ora koutou katoa, and welcome to Taskmaster.
My name is Jeremy Wells, and it has taken years for me to reach the incredible status I havetoday.
I joined the television industry as a Task Officer,
before working my way up to Task Lieutenant,
then Task Commander
and Task Rear Admiral,
until five years ago, when I was promoted to the highest rank in New Zealand television.
That's right. I'm now the Taskmaster.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Thank you.
Tonight I will sit in a chair that Caligula would describe as tasteful and understated
and watch as five comedians perform a series of ridiculous tasks,
all in the hopes of winning this ―
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
a magnificent golden trophy that took three hours to make.
And my head was covered in goo the whole time.
And let me be the first to tell you, it was not worth it.
Competing for this trophy, please welcome...
Abbie Howells,
Ben Hurley,
Hayley Sproull
and Tom Sainsbury.
And in lieu of Tofiga Fepulea'i tonight,
back again, it's your friend and my colleague, Matt Heath!
(APPLAUSE)
And beside me, as always, is my assistant.
He has the gentle energy of someone who has either never been in a violent situation
or has otherwise committed dozens of murders.
Please put your hands together for Paul Williams.
(APPLAUSE)
- Jeremy, I was wondering if, before we get started, you could sign my petition.
- What's it a petition for?
- You know when you go to, like, a sit-down restaurant, and you get a burger?
The burger's too tall.
Like, I can't fit it in my mouth.
I'm sorry, but if you have to stick a knife down through it to keep it together, that burger istoo tall.
- OK. So you want me to sign something?
- Just on that, please. - It's a blank piece of paper.
- OK, you got me. I wanted your autograph for my niece.
If you could make it out to her. - What's her name? - Her name is Paul Williams.
- Is that what you want? - Yes, please.
- God help me.
- Thank you.
- OK. What's our prize task tonight, Paul?
- Tonight we've asked our contestants to bring in the best thing that makes you go,
'Hmm. I don't know about that.'
- So let's start with Matt.
You are in here as a surrogate for Tofiga.
What have you brought in?
- Well, it's something that I've dipped into a couple of times,
but it's still quite a big mystery to me.
But it's the woman's reproductive system.
- Haven't you got two children?
- Yeah, but I can't see in there when that's happening, if you know what I mean.
- Tom, do you reckon you can better that?
- Look, I found mine at a market, and I thought, 'Hmm, I don't know about that.'
I've named her... - HAYLEY: Ohh!
- I've named her Abby Hayley. - Oh, thank you. - What a lovely name.
- And you might not realise that, but if you peel up her skirt, you'll find a toilet roll in there.
- Wow. - Tom, you can't confuse Matt like this.
Like, pull up the woman's skirt and there's a toilet roll in there? - I know.
He already doesn't know.
- Is that normal?
- Sometimes.
(LAUGHTER)
- So, what is the practical reason for it?
Because are you just keeping your toilet roll warm?
- I think it was an idea that seeing a toilet roll was somehow revolting.
- It was unseemly. Unsightly. - Unseemly. Yeah.
- That's way more unsightly, though, isn't it?
- Abby? - Yes?
- What's something that you went, 'Hmm. I don't know about that'?
- Well, I brought in my friend Eric.
(LAUGHTER)
- And I'm actually here to advocate for him, because initially you'd be like,
'Oh, I don't know about that. That's a ventriloquist dummy with a dirty Phantom of the Opera mask on it.'
So, Eric was actually in my first ever solo stand-up show I did,
and we travelled all over the world together.
- Can you do Eric's voice for us?
- He was like, (FRENCH ACCENT) Hello, Abby! I love women's comedy. I support you so much!
- Ben? - So, I get motion sickness.
I get car sickness, which I think we can all agree is both sexy and cool.
So I went on the internet to try and find a cure, cos I'd tried everything.
And, um, I purchased these. - Oh, no.
- They are glasses that you put on.
And they have liquid in them, so that you have an equilibrium at all times.
And do they work?
Hmm. I don't know about that.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Hayley, what did you bring in?
- I've actually brought in this cuck chair.
(LAUGHTER)
Now, the winner of tonight's show doesn't get this chair,
but what they do get is to come over to my house.
They can sit in that chair
and then either myself or my partner, Aaron, will make love to either someone who wins it
or their partner or spouse.
- Hmm. Tell me more.
- What a prize that would be. Jeepers.
And so we get to see all of these things...?
- To be honest, it's actually open to anyone and everyone watching.
They can come over and sit in my cuck chair.
- OK. - Yourself included, Jeremy.
- And while there's a lot of motion going on, these would come in handy.
- So I'm gonna have to score this.
The Abby Hayley?
My grandmother actually had one of those, so I'm quite familiar with them.
So I'm gonna give you one point for that, because I've seen a lot of those.
Matt, very familiar with the female reproductive system myself.
- Yee-yah! - Two points there. - Great.
- Not only the master of tasks!
- Three points for Ben's motion sickness glasses.
Four points, only just, is that horrific ventriloquist dummy that came in.
- He's an ally, Jeremy.
- And five points for you, Hayley. - Thank you.
(APPLAUSE)
- OK. So what is our first proper task, Paul?
- It's time to bring some order to the chaos.
(CURIOUS MUSIC)
- Hello, Tofiga. - Hello, Paul.
- Hello. - Hello, Abby.
- Oh. - Hello, Ben. - Hi.
- This looks exciting.
- What a strange collection of goods.
- Space these objects out in the right order.
- Fastest and most accurate object order wins.
- You have 10 minutes.
- Your time...
starts... now.
- The right order for what?
Is this one object? - Mm-hm. - OK.
- All right, let's get on to it. Whose ordering are we gonna see first?
- Up first, it's Ben Hayley and Hurley Sproull.
- In the right order.
- Has this got anything useful in here?
- Anna.
Anna. Anna.
- Those are mine.
- Yeah.
- Property of Paul. Bit odd.
- That's a chocolate bar. That's a fork.
- That's a temperature. - A satin handkerchief.
- Venus flytrap. - A plate of soil.
- And a shoe with some pita bread.
- These don't make a great deal of sense to me.
- I'm just gonna put it in alphabetical order.
T-U-V... Paul's pervert folder.
P.
There we go.
- It's not correct. - It's not correct?
- Is it the story of man?
The Sun started it all, didn't it? And that's sort of the temperature there.
- So you've walked to get some bread,
and you've eaten the bread, and that's your dessert.
- Boom! Earth.
Sprung life...
and then we sort of evolved from life to... man.
Then man was like, 'Ohh, I'm bloody hungry.'
So he learned how to eat.
- And then, on the way home, you see a nice Venus flytrap.
Then it's its story of how it eats.
- OK, so that's kind of setting up the sequel. - Yeah, the sequel. Yeah.
- Got you. Well, it's not that.
- Uh, this― - (SNEEZES) - Bless you.
- (SNEEZES)
- Are you allergic to the plants, maybe? - I'm allergic to your bullshit.
- Whoa! - Sorry. Sorry about that. (LAUGHTER)
- Maybe it's just size.
Yep.
- No, sorry. - Oh, not again?
- Is that the order? - That's not the order.
Uh, it's hard to tell what the order is there.
- Do you know what? I give up.
I'm just gonna enjoy myself for 20 seconds.
- You've got one minute and seven seconds.
- Oh. - Did you put that in the dirt?
- Yeah.
- (BLOWS WHISTLE)
- OK. - Thank you, Ben. - Hooray.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- OK, Paul. Well, before we go on, I think we probably need to address
your swearing, your rudeness towards Hayley. - (SIGHS)
- Would you like to apologise to Hayley for that?
- I'm sorry, Hayley.
I will say, I knew that as soon as she agreed to come on the show that I was gonna have allergyflare-ups.
Because I am legit allergic to her bullshit.
(LAUGHTER)
- I'm still bamboozled by that, by the way. I have no idea. - Yeah.
You know what? I don't want any points. That task was dumb.
- All right, stop everything ― it's time to go to an ad break and sell some stuff.
Why not entertain yourself by putting all the products in order from most to least evil?
We'll see you soon.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Kia ora koutou, and welcome back to Taskmaster.
Before the break, we were watching comedians attempt to put eight objects in a specific order,
because it's season five and we're running out of ideas.
Who's up next, Paul? - Let me put the sentence in alphabetical order.
Abby and Howells, it's Sainsbury Tom.
- Anna Nicole, Anna Paquin,
Anna N―, Anna, um...
Su-suh-supuhsa.
- Annas. These are all Annas.
- They're mine. - (CHUCKLES) I love my Annas!
- No, they're notyourAnnas. - They're your Annas.
- Thank you. - My apologies.
- Peter shoe. Peter... Pan. Peter...
- Oh, and there's a foot in the wastepaper basket.
- Blue toe. - You don't need to put that in there.
- Oh, I don't need to? - No, that's just rubbish.
- That's nothing. OK.
- Sainsbury brain, don't fail me now.
- Blue toe.
- So, Snickers. Or is that a Mars? Can I just check ― is it a Mars?
I'm not familiar with these. - You can check.
- It's a Mars.
- They're the planets.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! - Pluto's not a planet any more.
- Venus― OK, I've got it.
- (BLEEP), autism rules!
Pattern recognition!
(LAUGHS)
My man!
OK. Mercury.
Venus.
Earth.
- We've got Mars and we've got Venus.
- Mars...
Jupiter. 'Ju-pita'.
- 'Shoe-pita'.
Oh!
- Satin - this is Saturn.
Um...
Neptune ― it's like a tuning fork.
- It's Neptune. It's his trident.
Your... Annas.
Uranus.
(LAUGHTER)
- I've stopped the clock.
- Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars.
Jupiter. Saturn. Uranus. Neptune.
Pluto.
Ah! I feel alive. I feel electric.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Well, first off, Abby, congratulations on the autism.
- Thank you so much.
It's an honour and a privilege.
- That was really good. - This all makes me think maybe I need to get tested.
(LAUGHTER)
- That was the test. - Oh!
- Congratulations. You're in the club. - Oh my God! Yay!
Don't look me in the eyes. (LAUGHS)
- How did watching that make you guys feel?
Just real dumb.
- Yeah, pretty dumb.
On the bright side, I don't have to wear headphones at concerts.
- HAYLEY: Jesus.
(LAUGHTER)
- I went to a concert, and I did wear some headphones.
I know we're thinking, I bet everyone thinks I looked real cool!
- OK, by my calculations, we've still got one comedian left, Paul.
- Correct, Jeremy. And even if you're terrible at putting things in order,
I'm sure you can probably guess who's coming up next.
It's Tofiga.
- Oh!
What's her name, again? - Anna Paquin. - Ah!
Well, why have you got all these pictures?
- Those are my Annas. - Your Annas?
- Yeah.
- OK. What sort of plant's this? - It's a Venus flytrap.
- A what? - Venus flytrap. - A Venus flytrap?
- It traps flies.
- Just flies?
- Why are you asking?
- Just wondering if you wanted to trap Anna Paquin.
Fork. Oh...
Now I know why the folk's there. - Why?
- Cos I'm wondering what the forkthis is all about, man.
- Are you enjoying this one?
- It's probably my favourite task of all time.
I just wish I had my family here just to witness it.
- You've got four minutes and 22 seconds.
- Thank you, Paul. That's really helping me.
- It's OK.
- Might help me think.
- It does still need to be in the order, though.
- Oh, yeah. I'll leave a little bit.
I just have to get the order right. I don't have to explain what it's supposed to mean, eh?
- Yeah.
That is not the correct order.
That's not right.
It's not right, but you're not that far off.
- Not that far off?
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
- It's quite a stink task. - OK.
- That's 10 minutes I can't get back in my life, Paul.
I could have spent that with my kids, doing their maths homework,
telling them a story before they go to bed.
But you asked me to come here and do this.
(LAUGHTER)
Thanks, Paul.
- Thank you, Tofiga.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- OK, Paul, would you like to publicly apologise to Tofiga for taking him away from his kids?
- Sorry, Tofiga.
- That's a heartfelt apology. - Yeah.
- (SNEEZES)
(LAUGHTER)
- Sorry. I'm just having a flare-up.
- Matt, would you like to explain whether or not you thought Tofiga was being sarcastic when he said that...?
- No. No, he wasn't. And we at Team Tofiga, we don't approve of that task.
I don't think we even want to be part of that order. I don't approve.
- Same. - I'll join you on that.
- We actually might just boycott that.
- And I think, like, we're a majority now, so I reckon that task gets stricken from the record.
- Yeah.
- I mean, I think, luckily, you aren't a part of it, cos you get no points at all.
So I think that's fine.
- No, but still, you're notnotgiving us no points.
We're not taking the points.
- We don't want your points. - We don't want your points. - Don't want the points.
- So if I gave you points, you wouldn't take them?
- Well, how many are you offering?
(LAUGHTER)
- How are we gonna divvy up the points, Paul? - Well, so, it was timed.
Tom and Abby the only two to successfully order the items ―
Tom in eight minutes and 54 seconds;
Abby in four minutes and 10 seconds.
- Holy! Abby! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- That's impressive.
- So how would you like to score it? - Probably a four and a five.
- So four for Tom? - Yeah. - And five points for Abby Howells.
- It's only fair.
OK, so where does that leave the episode score so far, Paul?
- Out in first, with nine points, Abby Howells.
- Now, Paul, these tasks are just like a potato snack that I'm not allowed to name.
I have popped, and I cannot stop. Give me another one, please.
- It's another team task, and it's time for a good old-fashioned boxing match.
(CURIOUS MUSIC)
- Whoo-hoo-hoo!
- Oooh! - Oooh!
- Oh, wow! OK.
- Hey, Paul. - God, this is exciting.
- Kia ora, Paulie. - Kia ora. - You go, mate.
Oh, OK. Build the tallest skyscraper out of the boxes without leaving your designated areas.
- One person will build, the other two will supply boxes.
- The supplier may request a box by asking Paul for it by number.
- That supplier must do an impression...
...of the person written on the box.
- If the builder guesses the impression correctly,
...the supplier may supply it.
- The builder may not request a new box...
...until the last impression has been guessed.
- If you cheat, Paul will knock over your skyscraper and you must start again.
- Tallest skyscraper wins.
- You have one minute to discuss your roles and 15 minutes to build.
- Your time starts now. - I reckon you be the impressionist.
- And you be the builder? - Mm.
- Do you want me to be the builder? - Yeah, you go builder.
- I'm confident to be in here. - Yeah, I trust you.
- OK. And we'll do the impressions. - Yeah. Oh boy! - (LAUGHS)
(APPLAUSE)
- How quick was Ben Hurley to say. 'Right, Hayley, you do the acting, and I'm gonna do the building'?
Building's for boys. Acting's for girls.
- No. Hayley spent $38,000 on an acting degree that she's never used.
(LAUGHTER)
- Right, who's first?
- It's the team of three.
Suppliers ready? - We're ready. - Yessir!
- Builder ready? - Ready!
- (BLOWS WHISTLE) - Let's go for number 29.
Made a beautiful house out of gingerbread!
- Oh, the Witch from Hansel and Gretel. - Yes! You got it!
- Go, go, go, go! - OK, let's go for number 45.
Wahh-wahh... I'm a bit of a star man, you might say.
- Oh, David Bowie. - Yes! (LAUGHS)
You do one.
- Ee! Ee! Ee! Ee! - Norman Bates?
Um, Alfred Hitchcock.
Oh. His mother. Mother―
- No. - Ee... Ee... (LAUGHS)
- You're holding a knife. - From?
- Psycho. - Yeah!
- A knife from Psycho. - Yeah!
- That's not a character!
- Let's go with 53.
Oooh! - Marilyn Monroe?
- I'm chocolate.
I melt in the mouth, not in the hand.
- You're the Green M&M? - Yeah! - Correct.
- You go for it. - Uh, number 4.
I don't even know who this is.
- Shall we just say his name so we can go on to the next one?
- Yeah. - Ernest Rutherford! (BUZZ!)
Oh no! Oh no!
I'm so sorry.
- 14. - Yes.
- Please be easy.
Oh, I really love doing magic.
- Harry Potter. - Who acts as Harry Potter? - Oh, Daniel Radcliffe.
- Different character. - Is it a different character?
- Oh, gosh. - I didn't even watch Harry Potter.
I'm sitting on my... - Chair?
Seat? Arse.
- Not the top, but the...
- Bottom. Neville Longbottom. - Yeah! - Thank God. Thank you.
- Number 6.
I'm American, and I love to fly jet planes in the army.
- Tom Cruise? - Yeah!
- Wait. In what―? - Tom Cruise in Top Gun? - Correct.
- That's the one. - Can we have number 10, please?
That's hot!
- Yeah. Paris Hilton?
- Yes! Oh!
- Number 9. Thank you.
Rarr! Many millions of years ago...
- Yes, this is good. - You're a dinosaur?
- Yep. - Are you a species of dinosaur?
- Yes.
- Velociraptor. - Correct. - Yes, that's right.
- One minute left.
- COCKNEY ACCENT: I only told him to blow the bloody doors off!
- Five seconds. - Size of a tangerine.
Oh! Oh, Bruce, what have you done?
- Three, two...
- Dammit! - Shot! (WHISTLE BLOWS)
(AUDIENCE GASP)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Oh, Tom.
Tom, you had to just chuck another box on there at the end, didn't you?
I know.
- I don't know if you noticed in that task, but whenever I would get someone,
it would be, like, Michael Caine or someone easy,
and Tofiga was getting, like, the knife from Psycho and Ernest Rutherford.
- Once again, Team Tofiga is doing all the hard work. - Yeah.
- Yeah, but did you like Tofiga's strategy,
which was, if Tom couldn't guess it, he just continued doing the same thing?
- It worked. - And it worked. He got it.
- Should we see the other team, or should I tell you how tall their tower was?
- I think you should tell us how tall their tower was.
- 78cm. - Not bad. Hard to beat.
- That's pathetic.
All right, stop everything.
Let's do your best impression of a good consumer and watch these ads.
We'll see you straight after the break.
Nau mai, hoki mai. Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Who have we got next, Paul?
- It's time to see the acting skills of a drama school graduate
and the building skills of a Ben Hurley.
It's Hayley and Ben.
(BLOWS WHISTLE) - 7, 24 or 50? - 7. Let's go 7.
- 7.
OK.
Ee! Ee! Ee! Ee! Ee! - Oh...
Psycho. Knife. Um... Alfred Hitchcock.
- What is the thing that's in my hand?
- It's a knife? - From? - Psycho. The knife from Psycho?
Was it? Oh, right. So it's not just people? OK!
- MOANS: Ooh! - Um...
- MOANS: Merry Christmas!
- Oh, Ebenezer Scrooge. You're the Ghost of Christmas Past.
- Not the past. - You're the Ghost of Christmas Future.
- Oh, hello, everybody.
- Queen Elizabeth II. - Or?
- Queen Elizabeth I.
- We are brothers, and we learned to fly the first. - Oh, the Wright brothers.
- Which one? - Orville. - Yes!
- He's good. - I'm good at history.
- DRAWLS: Why is everybody taking so long? Please!
Don't take my―! Don't make me choose!
- Meryl Streep.
- I'm an American actress.
- You are... - And I play...
- Uh, you're in Jerry Maguire? - Yes.
- I play a British journalist. I got big and then I got skinny.
- You're Bridget Jones, and you're in the one about the Civil War. - SIMPERS: Yes!
- And what is your name? - I look like I've sucked on a lemon.
- Yeah, I know exactly who you mean. I can't think of her name.
Renee Zellweger. (APPLAUSE)
- Oh, good boy. - Come on. Come on. - OK, pick a number.
Why are you― No, no! The bottom one! - Wind's not allowed. Wind is not allowed.
- LAUGHS: Oh my God! Oh my God!
- What is happening?
- SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT: Right, what's the deal with, like, crazy people these days?
- Urzila Carlson.
(APPLAUSE)
- Yes! - Look at how the eagle flies.
- David Attenborough.
- Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
- You are Dame Julie Andrews.
- Real famous little chocolate button.
- You're a Green M&M.
- I'm going to write a play thou doth not know.
- Oh, William Shakespeare.
- # Well, one for the money... #
- Elvis Presley. - There you go.
- 20 seconds. - Yes!
- (BLOWS WHISTLE) - Oh! - You're so good.
- That was really good. - You're so good.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Such positive affirmation in your team.
It's not often I say this, Hayley, but that drama degree really came in handy.
- That is $38,000 before your very eyes, Jeremy.
- Congratulations on knowing the Wright brothers' names.
I mean, that was good.
- Orville and Wilbur. Yeah. - Wilbur. That was good.
- Hey. - But you could tell I was doing Orville.
- Yeah, totally, straight away. - The performance gave Orville.
- I was like, I know Wilbur. My Wilbur sits more back here like this.
Orville's more front-leading, like that.
- How high was Hayley and Ben's tower?
- The height to beat was 78cm.
Theirs was 287cm.
(APPLAUSE)
- Nice. Nice.
- So in terms of scoring ― five points, presumably, for the team of two?
How many for the team of three? - That's a good question.
Tom, Abby and Tofiga should get two.
- Two points. - Yeah. I think that's fair.
- Yeah, that is fair. - Thank you.
- And you know what? I'm gonna take part in this task, as opposed to that other one.
- Oh, was that not clear? I've opted back in as well. - Yeah, I'm back in.
- Right. Time for another task, Paul. What have you got in store for us?
- Get your backpacks off and get your books out.
School is in session.
(CURIOUS MUSIC)
Hello, Ben. - Hi, Paul.
- Hello, Paul. - Hello, Abby.
Hello, Hayley. - Hi― (DOOR BANGS)
Hi, Paul.
- My favourite.
- What's your favourite? - Apples.
- Apple.
- Were you saying 'Hey, Paul' or 'apple'?
- I said 'Hey, Paul. Apple.'
- OK.
- Apple. - Hello.
- (SNORTS)
- All right. What are we in for now?
- Teach Paul a lesson.
- Best lesson wins.
- You have 30 minutes.
- Your time starts ― as always ― now.
Hmm.
(APPLAUSE)
- Seems pretty simple. Teach Paul a lesson.
We all know Paul doesn't really know that much, so it's not hard, surely.
- OK.
For first period, we've got Mr Hurley and Mr Sainsbury.
- What if I taught you every New Zealand Prime Minister since 1935 in order?
- That would be pretty good.
- What ones can you name?
- Bill English. - Good! - Obviously.
- I'm wondering if I can do the scattergun effect, if I try and teach you many lessons.
- Like, quantity over quality? - Yeah.
- Because I'm a cool teacher, I'm gonna sit on my chair like this. - Very cool.
- First up, we've got Biology.
Did you know that seagulls, to every eight male chicks that are hatched, 10 female chicks arehatched?
And 14% of seagulls are exclusively lesbian.
Did you know that? - No.
- Michael Joseph Savage becomes the first Labour prime minister.
Peter Fraser.
Now, he was our wartime prime minister.
And we had Mike Moore.
- Do you like using a megaphone, or do you like using a mic more?
- It's... I mean...
- When it is the verb, you stress the second syllable.
When it is the noun, you stress the first syllable.
Here's an object, but I object.
- We had Chippy Hippy. That's what I'm gonna call him.
Cos I think that adds some fun to the lesson.
- So when I'm handing you a gift, it is a...? - Present.
- No!
It's a... - Present.
Sorry, I thought you were presenting me with a gift.
- You get it. There's English.
- There's probably not a great mnemonic here, is there?
Mary Poppins said, wait, children ― without the K ―
jumping never works.
- It would also may be help if you came up with a story that sort of involved their names.
- I mean, that's how I remember it. - What's your story?
- Well, just the story of New Zealand history. - Oh, OK.
- They were like, 'Christ has risen again.'
And Thomas was like, 'I don't believe that!'
And then from then on, he was known as Thomas the Doubter.
- Oh, wow. - I know.
OK, that's your religious instruction. What else am I missing?
- Mary... - Mary...
- Poppins... said... wait...
'children' spelt with a K...
jumping... never... works.
- History? - OK.
- Do you know the most common female name in the 1950s?
- Ann. - Close.
- Anna. - It wasn't close. - Oh.
- IT begins with M. - Mary. - Mary.
Do you know what the least common name was in the 1950s?
- Adolf?
(LAUGHTER)
You still don't meet many Adolfs. - No.
- Jumping... jacks... hate... jumping.
Bill English... Jacinda Ardern... Chris Hipkins... Chris Luxon.
- Well done.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Some important lessons learnt there.
So Ben taught you the New Zealand Prime Ministers from the Second World War.
- Correct. - Can you list them in order now?
(LAUGHTER)
- Hey. Hey. The task is not teach Paul a lesson and have him retain it for three months.
- That's true. - Um, Tom? - Yes.
- You were teaching a different type of curriculum.
- I did everything. Something else about seagulls is that they live to...
I'm feeling like I'm more and more Abby Howells at every moment.
They live― Like, there was a species of seagulls that live to 45.
So you might be walking around with a seagull, going, 'Get out of my way!' And it's 45 years old.
- Yeah. - Wow! - Yeah.
- For a while there, you pivoted into Religious Studies. - I did.
Well, you know, that was a Catholic school.
Wasn't it clear? With our overlord, you, overlooking over everything.
- Maybe one day you'll be crucified, Jeremy.
- One can only hope, Abby. One can only hope. - Yeah. Save us from our sins.
- Exactly.
That's enough learning for now. It's time to soften your brain with the soothing power of unskippable ads.
We'll see you after that.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster, where five comedians are trying to win a haunted puppet from Abby
that will definitely kill them in their sleep.
Where were we, Paul?
- Our five contestants were attempting to teach me a lesson.
So far, Ben has taught me every New Zealand Prime Minister since World War II,
and Tom Sainsbury has taught me which seagulls are gay.
(LAUGHTER)
For second period, we've got Miss Sproull and Mr Fepulea'i.
- Can I have a bite?
- You can have several.
- OK.
I'm gonna teach you a small marching routine,
which you will then perform.
I'm actually allergic to apples. - Um...
- How allergic? - I'll be fine.
I'll just get a bit of an itchy throat.
- I'm gonna teach you to make a cup of tea.
Do you know how to make a cup of tea?
- Not really.
- We'll go to the kitchen, and I'll teach you. That's a lesson, eh?
- Are you sure you should keep eating that? You're allergic.
- A little bit. - OK.
I have allergies too. - What are you allergic to? - I'm allergic to your bullshit.
- Now that we've got water in here, what do you do?
- Turn it on? - Yeah, that's the one.
Now, while we're waiting for the hot water, what we usually do is learn a dance or a song.
- OK.
- Stand and up. Stand and down.
Why have you got your head down?
- I thought that's what you did. - Nah, nah.
- Then I say, 'A-kiki-popo, kiki-popo,' and you go, 'Rum-papa-chee.'
- Rum-papa-chee.
- Yeah, but you have to move your hips as well.
- Rum-papa-chee.
- Stand and down.
No, don't do the head. I'm looking at your feet.
- My head just naturally wants to go down.
It just feels more respectful.
- To whom? Who are you bowing to?
- The troops.
- Just pour it into a cup to about three-quarters.
That's your cup of tea.
That's us, Paul.
- You don't wanna do any more?
- Nah.
(MILITARY BAND PLAYS 'HEART OF OAK') - Ready?
Stand at ease!
Stand and up! Stand and down!
Head up. Atten... shun!
Stand and up! Stand and down!
Quick... march!
And one, two, three, four.
In and
one, two, three, four.
In and
one, two, three, four.
In!
Left... march!
And one, two,
and three, four.
And in!
And salute! And up, two, three...
Down!
I think that's a really good start.
- Chicken Little! Chicken Little! - Chee! Chee!
- A-kiki-popo, kiki-popo.
- Rum-papa-chee! Rum-papa-chee!
- A-kiki-popo, kiki-popo.
Simi-simi-se. Simi-simi-se.
A-wili-wili-miti. A-wili-wili-miti.
Viva! Viva! Hey!
Su-ana-papa-nana.
- Su-ana-papa-nana.
- Su-ana... Su-ana... Su-ana...
# Banana! #
- Su-ana... Su-ana... Su-ana...
# Banana! #
- If you don't want it... - Throw it outside!
- Throw it outside! Throw it outside!
- Chee-hoo! - Chee-hoo!
- Hey!
My man!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Matt, as Tofiga's surrogate tonight...
- Yes. We're very happy with that.
- How much of Tofiga's dance was culturally appropriate there, with your knowledge of Samoan dance?
- 120%. - Wow.
- The 'kiki-poppa-kiki-poppa', you got that down, didn't you? - Yeah.
- How have you retained the dance?
- I think if he led me, I might be able to.
- Go on, Matt. - Are you able to fulfil that role?
- Su-ana-pop-banana? I remember that bit.
There was the 'kiki-poppa-kiki-poppa'.
- I don't think that's quite right.
- There was definitely, 'If you don't want it, throw it outside.'
- That's right. - Which is a good lesson for anyone.
- True. - Hayley, were you impressed―? Paul's dancing was quite good.
Where did you learn to―? - Sorry. Sorry. Dancing, Jeremy?
Marching is a sport.
- It's sorta like dressage for people. - It sort of is!
- When did you do marching? - Still.
- You march now? - Yeah. - Do you?
- I've marched since I was, like, 8 years old, and I'm 34.
- Why? - (CHUCKLES) It's a good question.
- How many people are you rustling up for your marching? Is it just you, or...?
- No, no, it's a team. - There's a team? How many...?
- In a technical block, there's 10.
- Impressive. You can get 10 people together to do that?
- We get hundreds.
- OK, Paul, I'm ready for another lesson. Who have we got next?
- Last but academically not least, it's Dr Howells.
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
- Stop right there!
Before you pass, you must answer my questions three.
- OK.
- Is your name Paul?
- Yes.
- Do you like to party?
- Yeah.
- Do you think I'm... beautiful?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
- Yes.
- Ohh!
(MAGICAL MUSIC)
Thank you, Paul.
You have freed me, because you could see that I was beautiful on the inside.
And, um, that's what matters.
- OK.
- Telling the truth serves a lot of good, doesn't it?
- I will say, like, when you had the mask on, I felt like I was lying when I said yes.
- Yeah, I kinda hoped that you would say...
But the magic still worked anyway.
- OK. - Yeah.
And it's important to be kind and respectful.
OK? Cos you don't know what people are going through.
Thank you for saving me. - No worries.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- OK, Abby, so just quickly clarify the lesson that you were teaching Paul there.
- It was through not lying that he found my inner beauty.
- But he did... - Cos didn't you lie?
- I did lie.
That mask was, I'd say, objectively ugly.
- I think probably the lesson he learned was kindness always pays off.
- I think I did learn that if you're gonna hurt someone's feelings, lie.
- And why are we vilifying the ugly version of Abby?
Like, why is she bad?
- Well, that's another lesson.
- Well, hey, this is the thing.
The actual thing that we watched, there was no lesson.
- No. - All right? Let's just be clear about that.
- I'm hearing nothing but lessons! - There was no lesson.
There was no lesson. - I will say I did learn the lesson that ugly people are gross...
- Yes.
- ...and should be avoided.
- Yes.
- OK, I have to score this.
One point for Abby, because there was no lesson.
OK? It was teach Paul a lesson, and there was no lesson.
I enjoyed it, but there was no lesson.
- I don't think you did. You're fired up, mate. - I loved it.
- It's true.
- This is literally the shittiest we've seen him all season.
- Two points for Hayley, because there was one lesson that was taught, and it was the marching.
Tofiga ended up teaching Paul two lessons ― well, one and a half, really ―
so I'll give him three points.
Tom taught Paul some lessons, but he didn't test him on any of the lessons, so none of it went in.
Whereas I thought, Ben, actually, you should get five points, because you taught Paul a lesson,
and he remembered it at the time, even though now he doesn't. - HAYLEY: Tautoko.
- Yes! - Yeah. Beautiful.
- Thanks, guys. So that does it for part four.
It's time for you to watch some videos that all have the same important lesson ―
it's good to buy stuff.
We'll see you after the break.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster, you cheeky rascals.
Now, if you're just joining us, you have a really screwed up your timing,
because we're nearly at the end of the episode.
We have just got the live task to go.
But before we get to that, can I have a score update, please, Paul?
- It's extremely tight, but out in front on 13, it's Ben Hurley. - Wow!
- OK. - I've never been out in front.
- It's anyone's episode.
All right, you guys, please head up to the stage for the final task of the show.
OK, Paul, who's reading out the task tonight?
- Ben Hurley will read the task. - OK. Sure.
Write down the name of an animal, vegetable or vehicle and hand it to Paul.
Thank you, Tom.
Thank you, Matt.
Thank you, Hayley. - You're welcome.
- Thank you, Ben. Thank you, Abby. - Thank you.
- This is a second task. - Yeah.
Using the canvas behind you, communicate to the Taskmaster
what your animal, vegetable, or vehicle is.
You may not turn around while working on your canvas.
You must not tamper with your backpack.
When you are ready for the Taskmaster to guess, stand next to your canvas.
If he guesses wrong, you may alter your canvas and try again.
Fastest correctly guessed animal, vegetable or vehicle wins.
- Oh dear!
- You each have a mirror.
Are you ready? - Yeah. - Yeah, man.
(AUDIENCE CHEER)
- A carrot? - Yes! - Correct.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- (GROANS)
- Jeremy.
- A pig. - (GRUNTS)
- And Matt's?
- Um, a turnip. - Incorrect.
- Close. - Jeremy. - A diplodocus.
- That is not correct.
- Ben's, a turtle?
- Correct. (APPLAUSE)
- Koala. - Correct.
- Just...
- A chicken? - That is incorrect.
- Matt's done a Jackson Pollock.
- It's a cat. - Incorrect.
- HAYLEY: Don't give up, Abby.
- (LAUGHS) - Oh. An aeroplane.
- Matt, is that...? Do you want a guess?
- I'm just trying to actually ascertain the best way forward here. - OK.
- Maybe if they each tell me either it's an animal or a vegetable or a vehicle.
Abby?
- It's an animal.
- OK, that's not helping.
- Matt? - It's a vegetable.
(LAUGHTER) - What?!
- Abby, is yours an albatross? - No.
- Matt, is yours a cauliflower?
- No.
- OK. They can do one pose.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
- OK. You must be a radish. - Close.
- Incorrect. And Abby's?
- Horse.
- OK.
- Pony.
- Matt's? - A carrot. - Yes!
- Correct. - What the hell is this?
- You should have just pointed at that.
- So the artworks ―
carrot, carrot, koala, turtle, Shetland pony.
(LAUGHTER)
- Oh no!
- OK, everyone, come on down and we'll judge it.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Ah! Oh! - Oh!
- Jesus!
- Well, come on.
- So, based on the order that Jeremy guessed the pictures,
we get one point for Abby, two points for Tofiga,
three points for Hayley, four points for Ben,
and five points for the king of carrots, Tom Sainsbury.
- Right. So what does that mean for our episode?
- It means that the winner of episode four, with 17 points, is Ben Hurley!
- There we go! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Ben, congratulations on winning five things that make you go, 'Hmm. I don't know about that.'
Arguably one of the worst selection of prizes we've ever had on the show.
Please go and collect them on stage.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
That's the end of episode four. And what have we learnt?
We've learned that if you meet a man with a creepy folder full of pictures of women,
it's most likely to do with the solar system.
We've learned that if you meet an old witch in the forest, either tell her she's ugly ordon't ―
it will work out fine either way.
But most importantly, we've learned that the winner of this episode is Ben Hurley!
We can't wait to see you back here next week. Ka kite ano. Goodnight.
Captions by James Brown and Lena Erakovich.
Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.
www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2024
- It's time to party hard!
- Hello.
- I don't like organised fun. - What do you call this? - My job.
- Mwah!
- I'm gonna raw-dog it.
- Cool!
- You look psychotic.
- There's a little bit of sex in the old dog yet, isn't there?