(WHEEL CLICKS)
- Hello.
- Hey.
- Two.
- (GRUNTS)
(KEYS CLACK)
- Come on!
- (GRUNTS)
- (WHOOPS)
(KEYS CLACK)
- That's for the haters.
- (GRUNTS)
- Clink, clink.
- Chicken Little. - Cheep.
- (IMITATES GUNFIRE)
(KEYS CLACK)
Oh!
- (SHOUTS)
- Yaargh!
- He he he he!
(CLUNK!)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(DING!)
- Kia ora koutou, and welcome to Taskmaster.
My name's Jeremy Wells, and I'm hosting this show as part of my community service obligations
after being convicted last year of running a high-profile ram-raiding ring.
(LAUGHTER)
So, for the next 150 more hours at least, I am officially the Taskmaster.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Tonight, we'll watch as five Aotearoa comedians desperately claw at each other like rats in abucket
all for a chance to win this, the severed head of my identical twin brother,
who died tragically after falling into a vat of liquid gold. (LAUGHTER)
The five comedians vying for this auspicious prize are Abby Howells... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Ben Hurley... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Hayley Sproull... - It's me. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- ...and Tom Sainsbury. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
And tonight, sitting in for Tofiga Fepulea'i, we have Bubbah! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
And, as always, sitting next to me like a dutiful AI assistant
that I never have to worry about one day overthrowing me... (LAUGHTER)
...it's Paul Williams. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- I've been thinking, Jeremy. In the early to mid-2010s, a lot of people bought 3D televisions.
And we don't really do enough to utilise that technology,
so I thought I would do something for them.
Look out! (LAUGHTER)
Whoa! Don't get wet. (LAUGHTER)
- Money well spent by those guys. (LAUGHTER)
- Are you done? - Yeah.
- Good. (LAUGHTER)
- So, for our prize task tonight,
we've asked our contestants to bring in the thing they really wanted but now no longer want.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh. - OK.
Hayley.
- So, it was the early 2010s, and Lord of the Rings was all the rage,
and my partner started collecting every single Lord of the Rings figurine.
And he was hoping that one day, he would sell them to collectors, and that would be the deposit on a home.
These are now worth about $5 less than they originally were... (LAUGHTER)
...and therefore I no longer want them. (LAUGHTER)
- First you were getting rid of his gravy pot... - Mm.
- ...and now you're getting rid of his collectables. - Yeah, I know.
- This guy can't catch a break. - (LAUGHS) I know. Soon I'll get rid of him. (CHUCKLES)
- Bubbah, sitting in for Tofiga. I'd love to know what you've brought in.
- It's nothing bad. (LAUGHTER)
It's my boss. (LAUGHTER)
Don't want him any more. (LAUGHTER)
- What sort of work does this boss make you do?
- Private work. (LAUGHTER)
- TOM: Oooh. - Nah, just jokes. It's my agent. (LAUGHTER)
- This is your agent. - Yep. My pimp daddy. (LAUGHTER)
I wanted him cos I wanted work, but now he's making me work too much. (LAUGHTER)
- Tom. - Mine's a little bit complicated, and I now kind of regret it.
It's got a little bit of a sob story involved with it.
- That's OK. - So, I came of age in the early 2000s, right,
and I was a bit of a fashion victim. I unironically wore a tie as a belt. I wore bootcut jeans.
And I also wore this.
- Oh no. (LAUGHTER)
- You might not realise it, but I've actually got a very, very big head. (LAUGHTER)
And I... I haven't been able to find a hat that fits. - AUDIENCE: Aww.
- Thank you. (LAUGHTER)
And then I found this hat, and it was the first one that fit my head. (LAUGHTER)
And I left it behind in a taxi coming home from somewhere in Newmarket
after having one too many mudslides. (LAUGHTER)
Sorry. (LAUGHTER)
- Abby, what did you bring in? - I brought in my PhD.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Legit.
- OK, and this is a very expensive thing to give away.
- I thought I really wanted it, but now I have it, I don't want it any more.
Too many bitches. (LAUGHTER)
Too much respect on panel shows.
I get offered too many drugs. (LAUGHS) I wish I'd never got this thing.
- Ben, what did you bring in? - Um, I love Star Wars, and I love world domination.
So I found on the internet the thing I thought I would love the most ― Star Wars Risk.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
It was over $200. - She― What?!
- And, um, then I got it, and I read the instructions, and it's so complex.
So if we can go to the next slide, you can see that everything is still in its packet.
- Oh, wow. - And I don't want it any more.
- Did you sort of stop wanting this when you realised that you needed friends to play it?
(LAUGHTER)
- Yeah, it's a bit of an issue for, um, Star Wars games. Uh... (LAUGHTER)
Generally, the type of people who like them are short on the friend thing.
(LAUGHTER) - OK.
Well, I'm gonna start with one point for Tom for the hat.
Two points for Bubbah for the agent.
Three points for Hayley for her boyfriend's stuff. (LAUGHTER)
Four points for Ben.
And five points for Abby for her PhD. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- That's Dr Howells, Jeremy. (LAUGHS)
- OK. Let's get on with the show, shall we? I think I'm in the mood for a real task, Paul.
- Your wish is my command.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
- (GASPS) Love the gloves.
- Thank you, Tom.
- Ooh!
- Hello, Ben. - Kia ora.
- Over here?
- Yes, please. - Ooh.
- A nice set up here, mate. - Thank you.
- What an intriguing group of things you have here.
- What intrigues you the most?
- Probably the lamp.
- The genie's about to come. That's not code.
(CHUCKLES) OK. Here we go.
- READS: 'Say the magic phrase while rubbing the lamp.'
- 'You may not leave the study.'
- 'Fastest wins.'
- 'Your time starts now.'
(APPLAUSE)
- You couldn't resist that 'genie comes' line, could you, Tom? - (SIGHS) No. I love a goodgenie.
(LAUGHTER) That's not code.
- A genie comes if you rub it. (LAUGHTER)
Just like everybody else. (LAUGHTER)
- OK, this looks like a knotty little puzzle, Paul. Who are we gonna watch first?
- You know Aladdin? Well, this next clip's got three lads in. Here's Ben, Tofiga and Tom.
- What's the magic phrase? - All the information you need is in the task.
- FRANTICALLY: Oh! Oh! Oh!
OK. I'm thinking this is― What?
Hang on.
- OK. Say the magic phrase while rubbing the lamp.
- I've stopped the clock. - OK.
Why?
- Say the magic phrase while rubbing the lamp. So I've gotta get the lamp out.
- I've stopped the clock. - You have? - Yeah.
- Say the magic phrase...
while rubbing the lamp.
(DING!)
- I've stopped the clock.
- You― You've stopped the clock. - Yes.
- I've done the task? - Yeah.
- HAYLEY: Oh no. - ABBY: Oh no.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
- (CHUCKLES) OK. Thank you.
- Just like that, if you're happy, I'm happy. - I'm happy.
- Done.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Nobody seemed to know what they'd done there. Ben, you were none the wiser.
- None the wiser. - So, an extremely simple task.
All you had to say was the following, 'The magic phrase while rubbing the lamp.'
- Oh, for God's sake. (LAUGHTER)
- So, obviously, they all read that line while reading the task,
but it was after― the task began on 'your time starts now'.
- Yes, and so how long did it take those guys?
- Tom ― 13 seconds.
Tofiga ― 39 seconds.
Ben ― five seconds.
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- You're getting quite good at doing well in tasks, but you have no idea what's going on.
- No idea. (LAUGHTER) - It's a real skill.
- I've done some of my best work in five seconds, Jeremy. (LAUGHTER)
- OK, it's on ― a race to see who can read out a piece of paper the fastest.
Television has absolutely peaked. Stay tuned. We'll be back with more Taskmaster soon. Akuanei.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(UPBEAT FANFARE)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Nau mai, hoki mai. Welcome back to Taskmaster,
the show where New Zealand comedians trick us into thinking they're cool
by pretending to not want their Star Wars or Lord of the Rings stuff any more.
(LAUGHTER)
Paul, what is currently going down? - We're in the middle of a task where our contestants have to say,
and I quote, 'the magic phrase while rubbing the lamp'.
- But there's an actual magic lamp in the room with you.
- Yes. I mean, I can see why that would be confusing.
I did accidentally leave my magic lamp in the room that day. (LAUGHTER)
- Who's next, Paul?
- You know the Lady and the Tramp? Well, here's the ladies and the lamp.
(LAUGHTER) It's Hayley and Abby.
- What's the magic phrase?
- READS: Say the magic phrase.
That's the phrase! OK. (LAUGHS) So I just need to get in there.
- What are you thinking?
- I'm thinking that there's, like, a trick to finding the phrase. - OK.
- SINGSONGY: Say the phrase while rubbing the lamp.
What is that?
- That's different. - Oh, that's my music. My royalty-free jams.
- It's playing Sad Memories. (SOLEMN PIANO MUSIC PLAYS)
- (BREATHES DEEPLY)
- Are you all right?
- Oh, I'm sorry, Paul. (CHUCKLES)
- What's wrong?
(SAD MUSIC PLAYS)
(CONGA MUSIC PLAYS)
(LAUGHTER)
(PERCUSSIVE MUSIC PLAYS)
- Paul!
You're so good!
- Wow.
Paul.
(BREEZY MUSIC PLAYS)
(LAUGHS)
(SULTRY MUSIC PLAYS)
- Oh!
- LAUGHS: Oh my God.
A song called Sultry Nights.
- LAUGHS: Oh!
(ACTION MUSIC PLAYS)
- No. (LAUGHS)
Paul, no! (LAUGHS)
- Task!
Say 'task'.
That's that what the songs spell out. 'Say task'.
Sort of thought that would have an effect.
- This lock is interesting. If I press it, it goes red.
- Task.
Task.
Task. (CHUCKLES)
- Could I use your finger? - Yeah.
- Task!
Task.
AMERICAN ACCENT: Task.
- Do you think it's, like, a voice activated...? - I don't know, Paul.
- It's a fingerprint lock. - Give me your fingerprints.
(GASPS)
- Wow! Thank you, Paul.
- Ew.
READS: I am a bread herring.
- READS: You're a red herring, right?
Y-A-R-H-R.
Y...
A.
- You're a...
red herring, right!
- Ah!
- Chocolate money.
- SINGSONGY: Give me some money.
READS: Look up.
- (GASPS)
Ah!
- Yas!
Looks like a key to the lamp.
- Task.
(LAUGHTER)
Say 'task'.
- Task.
- Am I done? - Oh, no. - Oh...
- It's the lamp.
And now I've got to say the magic phrase while rubbing the lamp. - I've stopped the clock.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Did I say the magic phrase? - You've completed the task.
- I did it. - You did it.
- READS: Say the magic phrase while rubbing the lamp. - I've stopped the clock.
- Oh.
OK, great. So I'm done.
- Yeah.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Oh deary me.
- Why do I get so much joy out of watching people do pointless tasks?
- I know. You think you've got joy. Did you see my little face? (LAUGHS)
I― Task! I really thought I had it so many times.
- So pleased with myself. I was like, 'Oh, everyone's gonna see how smart I am after this task.'
- Also, Hayley did come incredibly close right at the start.
Two seconds into her attempt, she said, 'say the phrase while rubbing the lamp.'
So she was missing the word 'magic'. - Ohhhhhhh.
And how long did it take? - She took 7.29. (LAUGHTER)
Yes. - OK.
- Abby ― 8.19.
Mm. - Is that better or worse than five seconds?
(LAUGHTER)
- In the bedroom ― better. (LAUGHTER)
- OK. How did the scores wind up, then?
- So that means one point for Abby, two points for Hayley... - OK.
- ...three points for Tofiga, four points for Tom, and five points for Ben Hurley.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- How are our episode scores looking, Paul?
- Leading the pack with nine points, it's Ben Hurley. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Thank you.
- I'm feeling ready for another task. What have you got for me, Paul?
- This one's a team task, and it's gonna synergise the hell out of your actionables.
(LAUGHTER)
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
- Ooh, this is nice. Refreshments. - Oh! A little party.
- TOM: Yum. - ABBY: Oh, nice.
- Hello, Tom. - Hello.
- Hello, Tofiga. - Hey, Paul.
- Hello, Abby. - Hello, Paul.
- Hello, Hayley. Hello, Ben. - Hi, Paul. - Hey.
May I? - Yeah, you go for it.
- OK, let's go.
- READS: 'Create and run a corporate retreat. You have one hour.'
- 'Your attendees arrive in 30 minutes.'
- 'Best corporate retreat wins.'
- 'Your time starts now.'
- This is a goodie. - OK.
- Shall we snack to think of ideas? - Yeah, got it. Great call.
What happens at a corporate retreat? - They've gotta talk about, um, KPIs.
- What does that stand for? - Key performance indicators. - Yup.
- I could do some icebreakers in the beginning.
- Yes, that's really good. - Yes. That's good.
- That's great. I have autism, so that's probably not the best one for me. (CHUCKLES)
- If you were to start a company, what would you start? - Maybe, like, an airline.
- We're creating. - We only fly around the North Island.
North Island. - A North Island exclusive airline. - Yeah.
- OK, that's our company.
- Oh, yeah, what's our corporate message?
- A veneer of caring. - Yeah.
- But money first. - OK.
- If we call it North Airlines... - Yup.
- ...and then using it like a, um... - Um... Acrostic poem. - ...acrostic.
'N' - no Southlanders. - (LAUGHS)
- Um, 'O' ― orange juice only. - (LAUGHS) I like that, yeah.
- Do you serve water? - No, oran... Follow the ethos.
Orange juice only.
(APPLAUSE)
- Tom, I liked your line ― 'a veneer of caring but money first.'
- Yes. That's how I live my life too. (LAUGHTER)
- OK, whose corporate retreat do we have to sit through first, Paul?
- Do you know what the email abbreviation 'ATTN' means?
It stands for 'Abby, Tofiga, Tom Now'. (LAUGHTER)
- Welcome, welcome, welcome. Hello.
Hello, Daphne. Lovely to meet you.
Yeah, hi, Todd.
Grab yourself a cup of team, and then come and have a seat and make yourself comfortable,
and we'll get straight into it, cos, you know, time is money.
- ABBY: A water? Of course. Good to stay hydrated in this life.
- Great to have everyone here this morning.
We're gonna have― just do a couple of little icebreaker just to get us into it.
So if I can ask everyone to please stand, turn to your left
and massage the shoulders of the person in front of you.
There you go. And humming ― humming at the same time. Mm, mm, mm.
Now, chops, chops. Very nice.
- I've got some acronyms here. Say it with me, everyone.
- ALL: Money and power over people.
- I want you to go home and think about that, OK?
I'm gonna hand you over to a very, very special guest.
I don't know if you've seen her around. She's actually been in disguise.
I'm gonna hand you over to...
- That's right. It's me, Trish, the top executive at this firm.
So let that be an important lesson to all of you.
You don't know who you're talking to, so always say your please and thank yous.
Now, I actually had a not-easy rise to the top.
Me and my family, we lived in this place, and everything was going great there.
But my uncle ― my uncle was a jealous man.
And one time, he told me there was gonna be a bunch of wildebeests and I should go and seethem.
My dad, he tries to save me from all the wildebeest,
but, actually, he falls into the wildebeest, and he died.
I know.
- OK, just to finish our corporate retreat, we're all gonna stand up,
and we're all gonna sing our company song.
A five, six, seven, eight.
- CONTESTANTS: # Corporations
# watch everything we do
# so they can do
# targeted marketing. #
- Thank you very much. Thank you so much. - TOFIGA: Wow! Whoo-hoo!
- Go forth! Go forth! - Oh, go!
Thanks for coming, guys. - Thank you for coming. - Thank you for coming.
- Thank you. - We really appreciate it. - I love that song.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Got a bit Nuremberg rally, Nazi sort of vibe there
with the 'go forth, go forth', Tom, at the end there. - It does. I feel icky.
But, you know, such is corporate life. You know? (LAUGHTER)
- I could see at one point there, Tom, you were very concerned with where Trish's speech went.
- Yeah, I was. I was confused about her species for a second, but, you know, it all workedout.
- It felt a lot like the plot to The Lion King, actually.
- (LAUGHS) Trish's story is a lot like the plot to The Lion King.
- But, also, The Lion King stole from Hamlet, so we all steal stories.
- Yeah, and Hamlet stole from Trish. (LAUGHTER)
- Bubbah, how did you feel about Tofiga's massaging that he was getting the people to do?
- A little different perspective on how close you can get to people without it being weird.
-Withoutbeing weird? - I think it was pretty weird, to be honest.
- I would've bonded with someone. Let's all... (LAUGHTER)
Yeah, see?
See? - Oh, it's quite nice. (APPLAUSE)
- Very nice. - I actually do feel closer.
- Yeah, what a great retreat idea. What a five-points-deserving treat― retreat idea.
(LAUGHTER)
- All right. I think we need to take this offline, which is corporate television speak for anad break.
We'll see you back here for another corporate retreat very soon when Taskmaster returns.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(UPBEAT FANFARE)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Fill me in, Paul. Where are we at?
- Our teams are attempting to create corporate retreats for a busload of people
who have no idea what they're going to do.
So far, it's been a lot of acronym-based stuff.
- Yeah, no, we've seen that. I take it there's one more retreat.
- Yes. Here's the team from North Airlines. It's Ben and Hayley.
20 seconds.
- I'll get some water as well, even though that's not in our ethos.
- Put it there as a test. - Good, good, good.
- What happens if they take the water?
- Well, they're out. - They're out. (CHUCKLES)
- What, fired? - Yeah, they're out.
- Oh, here they are. - Hi.
- Hi. Welcome. - Welcome. Welcome.
Grab a drink. Help yourself. - Have some drink. Yep.
- Joanne. Hi, Joanne. - Yeah. Hi.
- Nathan, thank― Oh...
Daphne, we're gonna have to ask you to leave. - Yeah.
Sorry, Daphne. That was a test. - Sorry, Daphne.
You know the ethos. - Sorry. Sorry. Yeah. Bye, Daph― Bye, Daphne.
- But everyone else, welcome. - Welcome. - Excited to have you here.
- Is Daphne fired? - Yeah, Daphne's fired. Yeah. - Yeah, Daphne's out. Yeah.
- OK. Well, now, welcome along. Hayley is gonna take you through our company ethos.
- Yes. - As you know, you are all flight attendants for North Airlines.
- Yes. 'N', of course, stands for no South Island destinations. - Yeah.
- 'O' ― we've got orange juice only, hence why Daphne's gone.
'R', of course, as you know, really hot flight attendants, and I can see that we are stickingto that.
'T' is timely. We're always on time.
And, of course, 'H' is for high fives on arrival.
Ben, why don't you talk us through some of the company stats from last year
and where we're heading for 2024.
- Now, there was a dip here, and I think we know why.
Daphne. - Daphne.
- But since then, a real bounce. In fact, this has just happened in the last few minutes
since Daphne's been let go.
- As a company, we really wanna feel like a family, and so we're gonna do a little trust exercise,
something that we just love to do every year.
One by one, you're gonna come up, then you're gonna close your eyes.
Close your eyes. - Close your eyes now.
- And you're gonna run full speed at the board. Full speed! Go!
Stop! - Stop! Oh...
Well done. That was good. Well done. - That was fantastic.
Lucky last, Paul. - Yeah. - Close your eyes and just run.
And run with trust, Paul! - Run with trust.
- Wrong― Stop, stop, stop! - No, no, no! Wrong Paul! Wrong Paul!
- Sorry. - That's OK. - Sorry. My name's also Paul.
- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, we meant this Paul, Paul.
- So, we're actually gonna move through. We've got a networking function.
- That's right. A couple of drinks. - OK. OK.
- All right. Follow us, guys. Let's get drunk. - Let's go.
Well, look, it's been a hard year. Some KPIs went down, but we're all here,
and I feel like we're really... (KNOCK AT DOOR)
It's Daphne. - Daphne, come in.
- We're gonna put it― We're gonna put it down as a written warning.
Daphne, welcome back aboard. - Yeah, and here's to Daphne not suing us!
(CHEERING)
- Thank you. Very good.
- And what about you, Paul? How are you finding working for North Airlines?
- You don't find there's too many Pauls?
- Cos we could get rid of a Paul. - Yeah, we could totally take you down to just one Paul.
- What the hell? Daphne broke the―
- Paul's gone! (CHEERING)
- Number one Paul.
CHANTS: Number one Paul. - ALL CHANT: Number one Paul. Number one Paul.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- The party really seemed to kick off once you kicked Paul out, didn't it?
- Yeah. - I mean, he is a fun sponge.
- Yeah. (LAUGHTER)
- Pretty brutal on Daphne.
- Yeah, let's all remember that that was make believe and Daphne's a real person...
(LAUGHTER) - LAUGHS: Oh, yeah.
- ...who was hired to come on a show and she turned up, grabbed a cup of water, and we got ridof her.
- She was fired after 42 seconds of the retreat. (LAUGHTER)
- All right. I'm gonna have to score these.
One corporate retreat looked like a whole lot more fun because there was alcohol involved,
and, I mean, let's be honest, that's why anyone actually goes,
so five points for Ben and Hayley. - Hey! - High five.
- And I think two points for Abby, Tofiga and Tom.
- Oh... - ABBY: OK. (APPLAUSE)
- All right, Paul, must be time for another task. - Sure thing, Jeremy.
Turn your phones to silent, cos we're goin' to the movies.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
- Wowee. - Shh.
- Oh, hi. - Shh. - Oh!
- Shh!
Shh!
- (LAUGHS)
- Wanna share the popcorn? Yeah. Good man.
- Here it is. - St― I'm watching. - Sorry.
(HONKY-TONK PIANO MUSIC)
- READS: 'Star in a 30-second silent film.'
- 'Most high-stakes film wins.'
- 'You have 40 minutes. Your time starts...
'now.'
- I'm wondering if there's, like, a clock. Like, I'm thinking there might be a bomb situation.
- I reckon aliens, and then one human stands up and is like, 'Oh! We're the hero, the saviour.'
- There's gotta be a guy who's gonna try and steal, uh, your purse.
You― You'd be a better woman. - How come?
- Cos you― you... you look― you look like one. - OK.
- I'll tie you to the chair.
We'll put a sack over your head, and then I'm gonna come, and I'll be the villain.
- The environment is like a building site, and my umbrella gets taken away from me.
- And then a subtitle underneath. 'We are butt men.'
- We are butt men? - We are butt men.
- Shall we start filming it? - Let's do it. - OK.
- And action.
- (GRUNTS)
- Aah!
- Back off.
Was that a take or a practice? - That was a take.
- Pas de bourree and pas de bouree. Kick ball change.
- You make a good girl, Paul. - Thank you.
We got it. - Excellent.
- Great job. - OK, thank you. - Could be an award in it for ya.
Ooh.
- Hello, Hayley. - Hello, Paul.
- (CHUCKLES)
- READS: 'Create the audio for your silent film.'
- 'All sound must be recorded in this room.'
- 'Best soundscape wins.'
- 'You have 45 minutes. Your time starts now.'
OK. Let's do it.
- Oh, so I get to see my silent film? - Yes.
- Oh, wonderful. This must be how Scorsese feels.
- We need gunshots.
(BOOK SLAMS)
Blood splatters.
(SQUELCH!)
(POLYSTYRENE SQUEAKS)
- (STRUMS)
(TOFIGA VOCALISES)
(THUD!)
(BANG!)
(TING!)
- (IMITATES WHIP CRACKING)
- (WHINES)
(CLANG!)
- Did you get a bit wet there? Sorry. - Quite wet.
(APPLAUSE)
So, it's worth remembering... - Mm-hm.
- ...that there are kind of two parts to the task. - Yes.
- Most high-stakes film, best soundscape.
- All right, let's see some not-so-silent films, then, Paul. Who's up first?
- He puts the 'Tom' in atom bomb. (LAUGHTER)
It's Tom.
(PHONE RINGS, CHIMES)
- (SPEAKS GIBBERISH)
(BLEEP)!
(TICKING)
(PANTS)
I'm gonna kill you.
(PANTS) God. Oh...
Shing, shing, shing. (IMITATES SQUELCHING)
(IMITATES CHOKING) I did it!
(PANTS, GASPS)
(DRAMATIC NOTES)
(TICKING)
(MUTTERS UNINTELLIGIBLY)
(SNIP!)
(GASPS, IMITATES EXPLOSION)
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
We are butt men.
(APPLAUSE)
(HAYLEY LAUGHS)
- Just that final line there ― can you just run us through― where the intonation is, is quite important.
- Well, originally, I was like, 'We are but men.' You know?
And then just randomly, I just stressed the wrong word for some reason. The crew and Paul smirked.
I thought, oh, this is something, and I put it in, and now I regret it.
(LAUGHTER) - Do you know, Jeremy, I sort of thought that this task was a―
that you had an unfair advantage because Tom Sainsbury is a filmmaker
and has made films and gone to Cannes Film Festival, but I feel all right now.
(LAUGHTER)
- Wow. - That got a 45-minute standing ovation at Cannes.
- (LAUGHS) Yeah. (LAUGHTER)
- OK. It's time to watch some more low-quality short films starring cash-strapped New Zealand comedians.
And after that, we'll see the rest of the movies our contestants have made. We'll be back after the ads.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(UPBEAT FANFARE)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Kia ora ano. Welcome back to Taskmaster,
the only place on Earth where it's possible to consider a PhD in theatre studies a prize.
(LAUGHTER)
What is currently going on, Paul Williams?
- Our contestants made silent films with sound, otherwise know as normal movies.
(LAUGHTER)
Up next with her movie, The Boy Who Kicked, it's Abby Howells.
(ABBY VOCALISES)
Uh... just sweeping.
- ABBY: Oh my God. What is that?
(IMITATES SPACESHIP ENGINE REVVING)
Oh, bloody hell. What's going on here?
(GABBLES)
Huh! What's going on here?
Rarr! What am I gonna do?
Shoot you all! Bleugh! Bleugh, bleugh, bleugh, bleugh!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Alien!
(GASPS)
How do you like this? And this? And this?
His moves are too disrespectful.
Check out this.
And this.
No, I'm scared. I'm scared.
Peow!
Oh my God. Those moves are so powerful. I've gotta get away.
(IMITATES SPACESHIP ENGINE REVVING)
He's done it. The boy has bloody done it.
Job well done. - Well done, boy. - He's a legend.
I did it.
Off I go to celebrate.
Oh no, son.
Lovely, delicious alcohol.
I will drink this every day.
Son, it's a slippery slope.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
I... (CHUCKLES) I did forget that bit at the end where I chronicled his descent into alcoholism.
- That's what I'm thinking. Is that what's happening in the sequel?
- Yeah, it's about how he becomes an alcoholic, and he's always seeking that high again,
but he can never achieve it, and he dies at childbirth. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER)
- How doeshedie in childbirth? - You'll have to watch the movie, Paul.
- The overlapping voices, especially a lot of people coming out and going,
'What's going on here? What's going on here?' There was a lot of 'what's going on here' going on.
- So, would you say the movie was sort of making you question life
and really think about the bigger picture? So...
- I feel like I saw inside your brain. I had a look, and then I went back out the other way.
(LAUGHTER)
- Well, it... it was lovely to be visited for a while. It gets lonely in there. (CHUCKLES)
- All right. Shall we endure another one of these manic fever dreams?
- Watch out, Steven Spielberg. This guy's coming for your spot at a very leisurely pace.
It's Tofiga Fepulea'i.
- TOFIGA: # Ah, da-da.
# I am dancing
# like a queen. #
What the hell is she doing?
Wow. She looks quite nice, though.
Oh, what's that guy standing there for?
# Da, da-da, da. #
(LAUGHS EVILLY)
(GRUNTS)
Hey, give my purse back.
Look over there.
Where?
Oh no.
My purse!
(GRUNTS)
I'll get you. Yeah.
(GRUNTS) Oh no!
Here. Better dust this off.
Oh, thank you very much.
There you go, Miss Blondie.
Oh, wow. Can I ask you something?
Oh!
Will you marry me? You're so big and strong. Big hands.
Get married. Eee!
(HUMS 'WEDDING MARCH')
I will love you for the rest of my life.
You're so handsome.
Oh, look you, beautiful lady, you.
(LAUGHTER)
Here we go.
(GRUNTS) Get out.
Here. Where is it? Where is it? Come out, you little cheeky bugger.
Yeah, that's our first one.
Another one.
Wahhhhh!
(GRUNTS)
Our second one is...
There.
You happy?
Happy.
I'm happy!
I'm happy.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Bubbah, was it just me or was Tofiga feeling up his fiancee at the altar?
- Yeah, and it looked mean. (LAUGHTER)
- I thought something else was about to happen when Paul... (LAUGHTER)
...started to spread his legs in the bath. I'm like, no!
- I liked when he ripped the arms off a baby, and then it came up, 'Happy ending.'
(LAUGHTER)
- It's the second time this season that Tofiga has pulled a baby from you.
- Two. Two. Two breech births. - But 100% alive... (LAUGHTER)
...rate, unlike Abby. - (CHUCKLES) Yeah.
- All right. Let's watch another one, should we?
- He's Hawera's Buster Keaton. It's Ben Hurley.
(BEN HUMS, CLATTERING)
(WOLF WHISTLE)
- BEN: Ooooooooooooh-up.
Wsssshht!
(GRUNTS)
(PANTS)
(GRUNTS) Oh no!
(THUD!) Boing-oing-oing.
(IMITATES BIKE CHAIN CLICKING)
(WOLF WHISTLE)
(IMITATES HORN BLARING)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- HAYLEY: Well done!
- Nice to see someone here has watched a silent movie before. - I know! That was so good.
- And don't worry. After all those stunts, I'm OK.
- You're all right? Yeah. (LAUGHTER)
- Wow, that must have been tough going over the top of that thing on your bike. Whoo!
- Do you know what ― like, this is the modern era ― there were so many people checking it was gonna be OK.
(LAUGHTER)
- Minimal amounts of dialogue. Minimal amounts of sound effect.
- Yeah, that's the problem with a silent film; there's not a lot of... noise.
(LAUGHTER)
- OK, it must be time for our lucky last, Paul.
- Move over, Spike Lee. Here's Hayley. (LAUGHTER)
(EERIE MUSIC)
- Ha!
SOUTHERN AMERICAN ACCENT: 'Help! I'm just a poor man from New Zealand.'
Shut it.
'Ow! Release me. I have nine kids.'
Nine kids?
Hmm.
I'll let you go
if you can spell
the word
'manoeuvre'.
(LAUGHTER)
'You evil woman.'
Do it now
or your nine kids
will be orphans.
'Ohhh.
'M...'
That is correct.
SHAKILY: 'A...'
Yes. (MUTTERS)
'N...
'O...'
Hmm. What is your next letter?
'A second "O".'
(GASPS) (DRAMATIC NOTE)
(BANG!) 'Ahhh!'
(THUD!)
(BLOWS)
Now those nine kids will be my children.
I'm the daddy!
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
- So, I'm just making sure that I understand the plot here.
It's about an evil guy that goes around getting people to spell things,
and then he takes away their children. - Correct.
- OK. No, I thought some of the foley was quite impressive. The punches looked a bit fake.
- They were fake. - I would've liked to have seen a proper punch.
- Yeah, I know. I tried, but... this guy. Do you know what I mean? - I know. I know.
- 'Oh, it hurts.' (LAUGHTER)
- OK. I think Tofiga had the lowest stakes; there was a stealing of a handbag.
But I enjoyed his dialogue, but at the same time, I don't wanna see Paul give birth again.
(LAUGHTER) I've had enough of that, so I'm gonna go one point for Tofiga.
Two points for Ben, because I thought you had low stakes.
Three points for Tom.
And then I'm gonna go four points for Abby, cos I enjoyed going into her head.
And I thought the stakes were pretty high for you, Hayley, with nine kids on the line,
and the sound effect was very good. So five points for Hayley. - Thank you. Thank you.
I'm really pleased. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- All right. Next up ― a thrilling live task and an elaborate prize-giving ceremony for ourwinner.
But first, some ads. See you soon. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(UPBEAT FANFARE)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster.
We're about to find out who will be going home with our amazing prize pack of things nobody else wants.
But first, Paul, let's get a little scoreboard update, please.
- Leading Hayley by one point, it's Ben Hurley. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Contestants, please head up to the stage for our final task of the show. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
OK, Paul, how's this gonna work?
- Hayley Sproull, will you please read the task? - 'Twould be my pleasure.
(CLEARS THROAT)
READS: Pick a subject from Paul's board, then have a cohesive conversation about it.
Each conversation must last 30 seconds, and all participating teammates must speak at least twice.
You must be wearing your noise-cancelling headphones whilst conversing.
There will be three rounds. Most cohesive conversationalists wins.
- We'll start with the team of two. - Four? - Sure.
- Your topic is...
a recent holiday you took. Your time starts...
now.
- I haven't been on holiday for a while cos of all the renovations.
- Of course, you do, yeah. Cos of your house. There's two guys working on it. Two men.
There's always two men at your house. - Oh, all day. All the time.
- Yeah. - Have you been on holiday?
- Yes, the last holiday I went... on was to New Caledonia. - Oh, lovely.
- And that's currently in some politic...
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Which topic would you like?
- One, cos we're gonna come first. - Yes. I love it.
- Your conversation topic is...
your death row meal. (LAUGHTER)
- What would you guys have for your death row meal?
- Probably pork― pork ribs. - Ah.
- Cos of the barbecue sauce. How about you? - I love... barbecue sauce?
- Oh my gosh.
I love a barbecue.
- A barbecue? - Yeah.
- Sure. For my death row meal, I will also have a barbecue. - That's so crazy.
What would you be in prison for? (LAUGHTER)
- Um...
Ooh, fun.
Ram-raids?
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- So, which was the more cohesive conversation? I'd have to say...
Bubbah, Abby and Tom first up. - Oh!
Yes!
- OK.
- Let's go six, please, Paul.
- The game on the weekend.
- Boy, oh, boy, Ben, I've gotta up the Wahs!
- Yes, I also enjoy the Warriors rugby league team.
Do you know, next year, they're gonna have a women's team as well. (LAUGHTER)
- Love that for them. - Yeah.
- Are they gonna be chucking quite a bit, do you reckon?
- They― They will pass the ball and stuff, yeah.
- One, two, three...
- BOTH: ...up the Wahs!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- ABBY: OK, that was good.
- What was this? - Um, next year, they're gonna have a women's team.
(LAUGHTER) - That's what I understood as well.
- PAUL: Team of three.
- ABBY: Number two, please.
- The economy.
- How's that economy, you guys?
- I've heard it's in the toilet.
- It's pretty (BLEEP)ed up. (LAUGHTER)
- How are your savings, Bubbah?
- Savings, um...
I am doing pretty OK.
- What bank are you with? (LAUGHTER)
What bank?
- Might start stripping. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
How about you?
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
- OK. That's a point to these guys. - Thank you. - Thank you.
- Point to Ben. Point to Hayley.
- You choose, Sproullie. - Number three's my favourite number.
- So which number? - So I'll go number five. - OK.
The 1989 film Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.
(LAUGHTER)
- Hey, Ben, I was born in 1989.
- Were you? That makes you exactly nine years older than me.
- Oh, right. - Yeah.
- So you would've been nine years old when you saw Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.
- Correct. With the lead actor, Rick Moranis.
- Oh, the goggles are the best bit.
- Rick Mor-anis.
- I know! My favourite bit is when the kids are so small.
- So small. - They're so small.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- We'll have number three, please, Paul. - A fine choice.
- AUDIENCE: Aww. - Your conversation is love.
- Do you guys like romantic comedies?
- Love them.
I love Notting Hill.
- You, Bubbah? Do you like romantic comedies? - Love romantic comedies.
- Are you in love at the moment?
- Do you guys... (LAUGHTER)
Do you guys think Love, Actually is a Christmas movie?
- I don't like it, because everyone is problematic. (LAUGHTER)
I love you guys.
- I love you guys.
- Group hug.
(APPLAUSE)
- (LAUGHS)
- That's one of the worst conversations I've ever witnessed.
Hayley and Ben, a point there. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
All right. Come on down, and we'll score it. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
OK. Hayley and Ben took it out, obviously... - Yes.
- ...with two to one.
Shall we go five points for the winner and then four points for the team that came second?
- OK. - LOUDLY: That was a really fun game.
- So, what does that mean for the overall episode scores, Paul?
- It means the winner of episode eight with 21 points is Ben Hurley.
- OK, congratulations, Ben. - Thank you.
- You're now the proud owner of some things nobody wants.
Head on up to the stage and get acquainted with all of your lovely new stuff. Well done.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) So, that's another episode done and dusted, but what did we learn?
We learned that some silent films are better left silent. (LAUGHTER)
And we learned that following instructions can be a massive waste of everyone's time.
But most importantly, we learned that Ben Hurley is the winner for tonight's episode ― episode eight.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Thanks, everyone. We'll see you next time. Po marie.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER)
- All right, Paul. Do you wanna play a little game?
- (EXCLAIMS)
- Waah!
- I feel like it's getting kinda late.
- (SCREAMS)
- And I kinda need to go to bed.
- I love you, Paul.
- That's how the divas do it.
- Hopefully my dad's not watching. - He will be. He loves this show.