(WHEEL CLICKS)
(GRUNTS)
Ooh-hoo-hoo.
(KEYS CLACK)
(GROANS)
(EXCLAIMS)
My name is Paul Williams.
(GRUNTS)
(KEYS CLACK)
Oh!
(STRAINS)
(GRUNTS)
(CLUNK!)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(DING!)
Kia ora koutou, and holy macaroli. Here we go again.
It's season three of the television show Taskmaster.
I'm Jeremy Wells, and I am sitting on a throne that for nine and a half months of the year
sits idly by under a pile of to-be-folded washing in my sunroom. (LAUGHTER)
But tonight I'm on it with purpose in front of you all as the Taskmaster. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Over the next 10 weeks, five beautiful comedians will degrade themselves
more than Will Smith at an Oscars ceremony, all in the hope of taking home their own golden statue
of my most successful and recognisable anatomical part ―
my head.
There it is there. Absolutely terrifying when it's sitting beside you.
Competing for my golden noggin this time around is Chris Parker,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Josh Thomson,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Justine Smith,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Kura Forrester... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
and Paul Ego. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
And sitting next to me is a man whose piercing blue eyes and dogged attention to detail
makes him an absolute star in the popular car ride game I Spy,
although I have never been in a car with him to experience it myself.
It's Paul Williams. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Great to be here, Jeremy.
- What's going on with that jacket? - This is my new look for season three.
(LAUGHTER)
Take that off. (LAUGHTER)
I... OK.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, I can relax. I found him too sexual in it.
Actually, no, can you put it back on? (LAUGHTER)
That's better. There's half a century of tasks in front of us. Paul, how are we gonna kickthem off?
As always, we'll begin with a prize task.
Each contestant has been tasked with bringing something in.
The best prize wins, and the person who wins the episode will take home all five prizes.
This week, they've been asked to bring in the best thing that weighs exactly 10kg.
A very weighty subject matter indeed. Let's start with Chris.
I was thinking about the best thing that could weigh 10kg.
And there's nothing better, in my opinion,
than 10kg of reduced carbon emissions for the Taskmaster season three set.
(LAUGHTER)
So I'm gonna plant this tree.
And then I've calculated that that tree will reduce about 0.8g of carbon,
and that'll take 12,500 days,
or roughly 34 and a half years to get exactly 10kg, and then I'm chopping that bastard down.
(LAUGHTER) No more reduced carbon for us.
- Do you know what sort of tree it is? - I-I think a fig tree.
- It's a fig tree? - I'm not certain.
It was the cheapest tree. (LAUGHTER)
I like what you're thinking of doing for the environment.
Also, I do believe, though, in terms of New Zealand's biodiversity,
that the fig tree creates figs, which rats love.
We've got a lovely fig tree in my garden, and also the native birds adore it.
And they fight with the rats, and the rats kill them.
- That's right. (LAUGHTER) - It is actually a bit of an issue.
Josh, what did you bring him?
Jeremy, I can tell just by looking at you that you're the sort of guy who has an adventurous mouth.
(LAUGHTER)
And I've just got the thing to pop in there.
I've got 10kg of Daddy's special marmalade. (LAUGHTER)
Oh!
10kg to the gram. Now, this isn't some generic store-bought filth that you get from bigjam.
This is a Thomson family marmalade made from the citrus trees in our backyard.
- Wow. - First of all, I like to add a lot of Drambuie.
It really rounds out that flavour. You get a beautiful whisky flavour all throughout.
And it also helps to legitimise daytime drinking. (LAUGHTER)
Justine, what did you bring in?
Hi, Taskmaster. I brought in something that we've all been missing a lot ―
I know I have, not being able to travel.
I brought in my suitcase with exactly, fingers crossed, 10kg worth of travel gear.
It's got reef shoes. It's got clothes. It's got books. It's got everything you might need.
And it's 10kg, because the rest of the...
How much are you allowed? 25?
So the other 15kg are for shopping and for some more Disney ears, perhaps. Whatever you will.
But I know I'm ready to get the hell out of New Zealand.
So, where are you going to with this suitcase?
I'll probably going straight to Anaheim.
So that's what you want reef shoes for?
Well... (LAUGHTER)
Jeremy, those hotel pools can get pretty brutal with all those children.
And if you're gonna elbow those little kids out of the way, you need a good grip on your feet.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
- Kura. - Hello, Taskmaster.
- How are you? - Really well, thanks. How are you?
- What did you bring in? - Good. Uh, yes, good. (LAUGHTER)
(CACKLES)
I don't know about you, but I'm a busy gal, right?
So when I got this task, I went to a popular search engine and wrote 'what weighs exactly 10kg?'
And what popped up was one of my favourite things ― 10 bottles of wine.
Oh, yeah.
10 bottles of rose. What could be better?
How much does a bottle of rose weigh exactly, Paul?
So, I weighed these exact bottles, and they're about 1.2kg each.
So that's― that's 12kg, uh total.
What? (LAUGHTER)
What? - I tell you what ― if you give me three bottles of that rose,...
- Yes. - Then I will allow you to go under the 10kg threshold.
- OK. - And I'll count it. Otherwise it's too much.
- This is like Jetstar ― trying to get on with your baggage. - Yeah.
- Paul, what have you brought in? - I'm a big unit. I'm like yourself ― fairly tall,
but also a hell of a lot chunkier. Like, you obviously work out. I just... sit down a lot.
So I'm a big guy. I weigh pretty much exactly 100 kilos.
So I thought the best thing that's 10 kilos is one-tenth of me.
So I've divided myself into 10 equal portions. (LAUGHTER)
And you can choose whichever 10 kilos you want.
I've seen myself naked. I know which bit I'd go for. But this is― this is your decision, really.
Could the picture itself weigh 10kg? Is that the way it works there?
No, no. The picture's not physically here. This is a... (LAUGHTER)
This is a projection of an image. I'm not sure if you know how images work.
That's not... That's not actually there. It's just being shown. (LAUGHTER)
- That's zero for Paul. - Zero?! (ALL EXCLAIM)
Let's just establish how things are gonna work on the show this season. That is zero for Paul.
Two for Chris, because you're doing terrible harm to the environment by planting that fig tree.
I'll honestly take two points.
I'll give you three if you give me some of those bottles of wine. Are you prepared to do that?
Deal, yes. Thank you.
Four for you, Justine. I can't abide reef shoes. I would have given you five, but reef shoes...
- Oh, I know. I know. They're so shameful. - ...are just horrific.
And I love marmalade. - Oh, you wait. Most of it you can eat.
I love it. (LAUGHTER)
So you get five points. - Thank you. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
I think we'd better get into the meat and coleslaw of this TV show sandwich.
Paul Williams, a task proper, please. - Certainly.
This task was extremely hard to set up.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
- Good morning, Paul. - Good morning, Josh.
Oh my goodness. It's very tall.
- Hello, Paul. - Gidday, P Willy. How are ya, mate? - Good, thank you.
Good, good, good. You look like you could use some shades.
- Wardrobe department gave me these snazzy shades. - Very cool.
- These sunglasses have zero UV protection. - Sorry.
That's all right. They do make me feel quite anxious that I'm about to get shot in the face.
- I don't think you will. - OK.
If I get shot in the face, I'll be upset.
If you get shot in the face, it has nothing to do with this task; it's just a coincidence.
(CLEARS THROAT)
READS: 'Retrieve the eggs from the top of the pole.'
'Your feet may not leave the ground during your retrieval.'
'Most unbroken retrieved eggs wins.'
'You have 10 minutes. Your time starts now.' Oh my goodness! That's so hard.
- I understand the safety goggles now. - Yes.
And they could hurt if they hit you, so try not to...
- It's an egg. - I know.
That's gonna be too hard to catch them in. Can I get something else to catch 'em in?
- Can I get some safety net? - OK. - Whoo!
I'd better get going. Oh my gosh, Paul! This is a really good one!
(APPLAUSE)
First thing I actually noticed there are some solid footwear choices.
Some interesting choices going on with you, Paul. You've gone with Crocs.
As we've established from the beginning of the show, I'm a winner through and through.
So... (LAUGHTER)
So, yes, I chose a red Croc, and it gave me― they gave me terrible blisters.
But I don't regret it, because I got a lot of sex. (LAUGHTER)
Interesting outfit you've chosen there, Chris.
I'm starting to panic that I look like I am in the Hitler Youth. But...
(LAUGHTER)
But I am just making a crystal clear statement right now that I am a park ranger,
not a young Nazi.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
That's exactly what Hitler said to them. (LAUGHTER)
Right. I'd like to see who, if any, of our comedians ends up with egg on their face.
Paul? - Very well.
I'll give you three faces first, and they're three of the most beautiful faces in the world.
Kura, Justine and Paul.
- How did you get them up there? - Lobbed them. - (LAUGHS)
Maybe a parachute.
(JAUNTY, COMICAL MUSIC)
- Would you break if you fell in that? - I don't think so.
Like when someone jumps out of a building. You know? Like in the first Lethal Weapon.
- I've seen it; I don't remember it. - Mel Gibson before he turned Scottish.
Just gonna do a tester. (LAUGHS) Oh God!
Come on, baby.
I got one!
Two!
This guy didn't break!
You bloody hero!
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER)
Shit. - What?
- Lots of them broke. - Oh.
Sometimes you just gotta break a few eggs to (SHRIEKS) make an omelette!
(GASPS)
(LAUGHTER)
Come on. Come on.
Shit, this is...
Is that all of them?
I think we only broke one.
- You've got five minutes and 10 seconds. - I know, yeah. I'm just thinking.
I'm also thinking about how you've got five minutes and 10 seconds. Sorry.
Continue. - What are you muttering? - Sorry.
Pretty pleased with our system so far.
Aargh!
Look! That guy didn't break either.
I wonder...
if I could just catch them.
Shit!
Unbroken.
This is so fun.
Oh, baby.
Fuck yeah!
- Fuck. Sorry, I'm trying not to swear. - It's OK.
Oh, you son of a bitch.
- Is that one broken? - Oh, are we talking break or hairline crack?
That's not broken, surely.
- What would you say that is? - Well, if I saw that in the supermarket, I'd go, 'That'sfine.'
- What supermarket do you shop at? - Which one do you think?
- New World. - Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
(GASPS)
(LAUGHTER)
- Thank you, Paul. - Thanks, P Willy.
- I think that is broken. - It's not broken. It's damaged, but it's not broken.
It's broken.
(APPLAUSE)
Kura, it was impressive that you were catching those eggs
in that tiny little bucket that you decided to use.
- Yeah, thank you. It wasn't that small a bucket. I've seen smaller. - JUSTINE: It was prettysmall.
- Yeah. - Well, compared to, say, Paul's parachute that he had operating.
- True, yeah. - PAUL EGO: Yeah, mine was overkill.
I basically brought an entire circus tent out... (LAUGHTER)
...to catch some eggs. (LAUGHTER)
It worked well, though. How did Paul go?
- Pretty well, yeah. So, there were 12 eggs up on the plate. - Mm-hm.
A dozen. Paul retrieved nine.
That's not including the one that was cracked.
- Oh, that was definitely― No, we can't include that one. - Yes.
Kura ― also nine. - ALL: Ooh. - Yeah.
And Justine ― six. - CHRIS: Wow. - JEREMY: Not bad.
50%.
Here's some ads. We'll see you soon.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Paul Williams, give me a quick who, what and why, please.
Who ― five comedians. What ― doing tasks. Why ― because they needed the money.
(LAUGHTER)
The current task ― retrieving eggs from the top of a 4m pole without breaking them.
Whose eggs and poles do we need to see next, Paul?
Like the '90s hip-hop duo, they're gonna make you jump.
It's not Kris Kross; it's Chris, Josh.
I'm gonna try and be really, really clever,
and if we run out of time, I'm throwing them, I'm catching them.
So, I'm gonna try tip it...
tip them into a bucket.
I'm gonna need a cushion. There might be one in the caravan.
Yes!
A cushion!
Who put the eggs up there? - I did, sorry.
I'll tell you who's done well out of this show ― tape manufacturers.
- I have shares. - What? Do you?
Yeah. The red tape company. We're doing very well.
Two and a half minutes.
We gotta go. We gotta go.
Oh! I've prolapsed.
Go back in there. - What's 'prolapsed'?
Prolapsed is when, like, your anus goes out but it's meant to go in, or, you know, something.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
Whoa-a!
(LAUGHTER)
(STRAINS)
(STRAINS) Piss― Yeah!
(GRUNTS)
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
How much time have I got? - You've got 1.18.
Aargh!
Aargh! Aargh!
There's one up there.
Oh!
LAUGHS: Oh my God!
A miracle!
What if I...
There's something on there!
No, I got it!
(EXCLAIMS)
Were they...? Were they...? Oh no! They were all in here!
They were all in here! I did it! I should've checked my basket!
Oh, no, no, no!
Your shitty tape― Your shitty tape didn't hold. You and your shitty red tape.
- The tape held. - No, it didn't.
It― It looked like you got them,
and then you tipped them all out cos you thought there were more up there.
So how many did you retrieve? - Five.
- You happy with that? - I wanna say four out of 10. Well, five out of 12.
- You happy with that? - No.
It was a brilliant plan let down by your red tape.
- I just don't see how this was the tape's fault. - OK.
Thank you, Josh.
Your tape! Your shitty tape!
(APPLAUSE)
PAUL EGO: Oh boy.
- So, just quickly, Josh, you had the eggs in your basket. - That's right.
It's quite high up, though, so I didn't know that they were all in there.
I thought one of them came out, and then I put the basket down.
But then Paul's tape failed, and the whole thing span around, and all the eggs broke.
And then I didn't even know until I'd completely removed the entire apparatus.
But I was fine with it. I'm quite a chilled-out guy, so... (LAUGHTER)
...it's not a big deal. It's fine.
I'd like to say that the tape held, cos this is gonna plummet the share prices.
(LAUGHTER)
Paul, got some scores for us?
- So, Chris retrieved five unbroken eggs. - Mm-hm.
Josh, four.
So, miraculously, that last one that Chris dropped was the difference between the two ofthem.
- Wow! - Wow. Is that right? - Thank you, ground.
(LAUGHTER)
That's two tasks complete,
meaning it might be time to look at the digital abacus that is our leader board, Paul,
and see who's taken an early lead in the episode and season.
It's the ladies out in front. Justine's in second with seven,
but out in first with eight points, Kura Forrester. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
All right, Paul, I think another task might be in order.
This task may appear hard at first, but once you crack it open, it's actually full of custard.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
- Hi, Paul. - Hello, Justine.
Hello, Josh. - Hello, Paul.
Ooh! A delicious creme brulee.
A creme brulee?
Is that a creme brulee?
Is this a cheeky little tiramisu? Looks like it.
Why would you get a creme brulee? You know I'm on a low-carb thing. What the hell's wrong with you?
Sorry.
READS: 'Crack this creme brulee. Most satisfying crack wins.'
'You have 30 minutes to prepare your crack and one (FRENCH ACCENT) creme brulee.'
'Your time starts now.'
Just wondering if... No, I don't wanna clean that out of my arse.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Paul, a tiramisu. (LAUGHTER)
I'm nothing if not the dessert aficionado; I tell you what. (LAUGHTER)
Right, so whose creme brulee devastation should we see first?
She has a real sweet tooth and 31 savoury teeth, so, yeah, she thinks desserts are justOK.
It's Justine Smith.
Well, I think I'm gonna drop something on it from a height to crack it.
Right.
Attempt number one.
Attempt number two.
Butter knife.
Meat fork.
Knife.
Ice cream scoop.
Ooh, that was close, eh, Paul? - Uh-huh.
Dessert spoon.
Soup spoon.
Dessert spoon.
Butter knife.
Teaspoon.
(SIGHS) Shit.
The letter 'A'.
The letter 'H.'
It's now the letter 'I'.
This half-drunk bottle of water.
Yes!
(APPLAUSE)
Whoo!
God, I've never been so satisfied in my life.
And if you could bring me that up to my dressing room, I might spend the next 18 minutes eating that brulee.
OK.
(APPLAUSE)
So, Justine, talk us through your methodology ― so, the idea to have the most satisfactory crack.
I did find on the 17th or whatever it was thing, when I biffed that water bottle at it,
God, I tell you what ― that was― I needed a cigarette. I don't even smoke. I was very satisfied.
This is a woman, though, that takes reef shoes to Disneyland.
Listen. Listen, mate. The reef shoes, OK, I'm gonna say they're bad,
but at least I didn't wear Crocs for the whole thing, OK? So...
At least I know how to smash a tiramisu. (LAUGHTER)
Can you satisfy my want to see another one, Paul?
I can, Jeremy, and his name includes one of the key ingredients or creme brulee ―
it's Paul Egg-o. - Oh.
I'm thinking I might take this outside
and find something a bit more impressive than a spoon to crack it with.
Right.
Maybe I could... bloody Heather McCartney it.
- What's that a reference to? - Heather McCartney. She only had one leg.
- Oh, and she stomped on... - BOTH: ...creme brulee. - Yeah, yeah.
- Right. - It's a thing she used to do.
That felt so wrong.
I don't automatically try and lift someone between their legs.
That's why I got kicked out of Cirque du Soleil.
Yeah.
I haven't allowed any time to clean her foot either. You could do that.
Ever sucked a mannequin's toes? - No.
Hell of a thrill, mate.
OK, this is me, the very athletic Paul Ego, about to do the best creme brulee crack of all time,
with this consensual woman's foot.
OK.
KURA: Wow!
Very good. (APPLAUSE)
- Awesome. - Satisfied? - Yeah. Now it's ready for eating.
It's the best bit, the custard.
(AUDIENCE GROANS)
Just as I remember it.
Oh God. She's got dog shit on her foot.
Delicious (!)
(APPLAUSE)
How satisfying was the taste of dog shit?
It was― I'll tell you what ― mixed with the eggy creme, it's quite a heady mix.
(LAUGHTER)
More custard and more cracks, please, Paul.
- She's my best friend in the whole world. It's Kura Forrester. - Yay!
Do you have a vice? - I'm not sure if we have a vice. - Imagine putting it in a vice.
(IMITATES SMALL EXPLOSION)
Yeah, brah, let's chuck a creme brulee in a vice, dude.
It's gonna be crack up.
♪ We're gonna vice a creme brulee today. ♪
Flip. It's just a bit too small, this one.
(DRAMATIC NOTE)
- Did you just crack the creme brulee? - No.
(LAUGHS)
What is that?
It's just a little nudge. I'd call that a nick.
- It seems slightly cracked. - It's not.
♪ We're gonna vice a creme brulee today. ♪
I found a bigger one. What do they say ― lift with your back. - Yeah.
This is gonna be satisfying.
So, what I'm going for is the slow, like... (IMITATES SLOW CREAKING)
And then, like, a beautiful crack, and then oozing of... brulee.
Looking for a gorgeous crack.
(CRACK!)
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHS)
Well, it's cracked.
- Was that satisfying? - Not as satisfying as I thought, but it was still pretty fun.
Oh well. You win some, you lose some.
Sorry about the mess. - That's OK.
(APPLAUSE)
- Looking for a gorgeous crack there. - Yeah. I wish I'd studied a bit harder in woodwork, right,
but I think you're supposed to, like, get the vice...
Yeah, it's supposed to be solidly attached.
Yeah, it's supposed to be solidly attached to the―
And you're not supposed to put your dessert in the middle of it. (LAUGHTER)
It's time to crack in half the ramekin that is our uninterrupted TV show with delicious advertisements.
Get a spoon or a mannequin foot and dig on in. We'll be back to finish this one off soon.
See you in a moment.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where our contestants are competing to take home approximately 50kg of worthless junk.
What are we doing at the moment, Paul?
Our contestants are trying to find the most satisfying way to crack a delicious creme brulee.
OK, then, Paul, who else has got the gall to crack a dessert that would retail for $20-plus
in the midst of a crippling recession?
He's my best friend in the whole world. It's Josh Thomson.
Nope, nope, nope. Nope.
- So, what's this you're making? - Got a rough idea of how to make a Roman catapult.
It hasn't come in handy yet, but maybe today's the day.
Ooh yeah!
I'm gonna do something like this.
Yeah. Cool.
It's actually quite a slow arc.
Haven't seen an arc that slow since, um, bloody Noah...
tried to turn around in the drive-through.
Oh, we have a laugh.
Behold!
Where am I from?
Timaru.
The Timaru Cracker.
Oh, there's plenty of those.
What am I doing? - Cracking a creme brulee... - Ah, yes.
- ...for the show Taskmaster. - Great.
Hiyah!
(LAUGHTER)
(SMASH!)
CHRIS: Oh!
Wow!
What a shame. That looks delicious.
Oh, that's not a real creme, though. That's a― That's a custard.
Sorry that the creme brulee's not up to your standard.
No, no, it's fine. Whoever made it, it's fine.
Oh, did you make it? - Yeah.
Oh, it's shit. (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
- I'm starting to see a pattern emerging here, Josh. - Mm.
- First, you critique the glasses. Second, you critique the tape. - Mm.
And now you're critiquing the authenticity of the creme brulee.
Yeah, well, I understand it's, you know― it's for television,
and the actual consistency of the custard, or the curd, isn't important.
But, you know, just― details matter. (LAUGHTER)
- It was a creme brulee, wasn't it? - Yeah, I think so.
Like, the definition of a creme brulee is a dessert of custard topped with caramelised sugar.
Yeah, sure, if you go to the supermarket, just get a bunch of pre-cooked custard,
dump it on, burn some sugar on top ― yeah, let's call it a creme brulee.
Let's just throw desserts out the window.
Sorry.
Oh, it's fine. I'm a chilled-out guy. (LAUGHTER)
OK, we've got one more dessert to be obliterated. Paul, who is it?
It's the man whose name is also the instructions on what to do to the top of the creme brulee.
It's 'Crisp Arker'. (LAUGHTER)
I reckon we put the creme brulee at distance,
and I get some teaspoons, then I'm gonna lob teaspoons at it.
And if I can get it, that'll be so satisfying. - OK.
I am Chris Copperfield,
and today, I will successfully crack a creme brulee blindfolded
from metres up in the air.
My spoon!
How did that go?
It's stuck into the ground.
Oh, it's gonna besosatisfying!
(CLUNK!)
- You hit the microphone. - Sorry.
No, it's OK. It's satisfying for me, cos...
I really don't like the sound guy.
Nope.
And now an attempt...
without the blindfold.
Without my glasses.
Still pretty hard.
Nope.
Oh!
You've got one minute and 20 seconds.
Oh my God!
I'm going to crack this creme brulee from a great height and with the ability to see.
30 seconds.
12 seconds.
(OPERA MUSIC)
(WHISTLE TRILLS)
(LAUGHTER)
(OPERA MUSIC CONTINUES)
(WHEEZES)
You OK?
(LAUGHS)
- You cracked it slightly after I blew the whistle. - Yeah, I know.
Did you see the slide? - Yeah.
- It was cool, eh? - Yeah.
All right. See ya, Paul.
Fuck it.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
- One word comes to mind there, and that is 'hubris'. - (LAUGHS)
I don't know what that even means.
You know what ― I reckon I wasted a lot of time with the show
and could've just focused more on cracking the creme brulee.
- Hubris. - Classic hubris. - There it is.
Yeah, so Chris had 30 minutes to crack the creme brulee. (LAUGHTER)
And he officially took 30 minutes and 0.5 seconds. (AUDIENCE GROANS)
I don't think Chris can get any points, cos he didn't break it in time.
- AUDIENCE: Aw. - I know. But I can't, you know― - No, I knew. I knew. I knew.
I think you should get five points, Josh, cos I thought that that was really impressive,
particularly with the Roman weaponry. - Thank you very much.
Three points to Justine, because I think you used the balcony well,
plus you've got a reasonably low threshold when it comes to satisfaction,
which will put you in good stead for life. (LAUGHTER)
Undeniably true.
Kura, you get two, because you said yourself it was unsatisfying.
And, Paul, you ate dog shit, so you get one. (LAUGHTER)
PAUL EGO: Oh, what?
I'm also eating dog shit on this show. (LAUGHTER)
Let's toss the teaspoon into the pit of tasks and dish us up one more, please, Paul.
There's a saying that golf is a good walk spoiled. Well, I think the next task is a good game improved.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
- Hi, Paul. - Hello, Chris.
- Looking dapper. Do you wear that outfit every time? - Yeah.
- It's nice. - Thank you.
Anyway, we can't talk all day. What's going on?
This looks fun. Bit of golf.
Golf! Yuck!
Don't like golf?
No. I have played it, but I'm not very good at it, so I just decided it's a stupid game.
I love golf.
I hope this is just 'play a round of golf'.
READS: 'Hit the golf ball into its hole.'
'Fastest wins. Your time starts now.'
'Hit the golf ball into its hole.' Into its hole.
(APPLAUSE)
(GROANS)
- Justine, not a fan of golf. - No, not a fan of golf. I'm not 80, so, you know.
Paul, you're a huge fan of golf. (LAUGHTER)
- Yes, I love golf. Love golf. - I'm good at minigolf.
Yeah, well, I actually thought you looked more like a minigolfer, to be honest, Chris,
in that outfit that you're dressed in.
Why? I'm so tall, it's even harder, cos it's even twice as mini for me.
(LAUGHTER)
I, for one, can't wait to see these masters don their cheese-cutters
and hit a tiny red ball towards a yet unsighted hole.
But first, an ad break. We'll be back soon. Golf clap, please.
(APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where a pair of Justine Smith's reef sandals and a photo of Paul Ego's crotch are up for grabs.
Right now, though, Paul Williams, what is about to happen?
We're about to watch a task where our contestants have been asked to simply hit a ball intoits hole.
Let's start with the extreme ends of the golf spectrum,
if that spectrum went from absolutely loves golf to hates golf. It's Paul Ego and JustineSmith.
Oh, here we go.
Into its hole. What do you mean 'its hole'?
Into its... Well, it's not in a hole. Does it mean hit it straight down? Must do.
(LAUGHTER)
Its hole. Is there a flag somewhere? What am I missing?
Into its hole.
There's no ho― There's no hole. What hole?
Oh look! It's over there. (LAUGHS)
OK.
Oh, for God's sake.
It's there.
Oh shit.
That was not ideal.
OK, so there's a sign here that hilariously says 'This is not the hole'.
Now, there is no hole here, so this is closest to the pin, I assume, is it?
There. It's...
Done.
Paul, if this is not the hole either, this is going somewhere.
Where's it going?
I mean, there's no hole, so unless I actually physically pull this out and make a hole...
Right, so this is gonna go into the ground.
We just need it a bit subterranean.
Level with the ground.
It's in the hole.
OK, it's in the hole.
- Are you happy with that being its hole? - Yes!
- And the taskmaster will be happy? - Oh, look, I couldn't give a shit at this point.
I'm gonna walk away. I'm not proud, though.
- OK. - OK.
Let's go and hit the 19th hole, Paul. Smash some piss, eh? What do you reckon?
You look like a piss-smasher. - Nah.
- See you later. Love you. - Thank you.
(APPLAUSE)
I can't tell whether you guys think that you've done what you're meant to have done here.
No, I completely know that I have not.
I was angry from the beginning to the end of that task. - Yeah.
In fact, I'm still a bit residually angry about it.
I just dug its own hole.
The task did not say that, did it? I mean, the task said―
Well, it did say 'its hole', which I think implies that there was a hole, a pre-existing hole.
- Yeah. - CHRIS: Yeah. Yes.
But, still, putting it in their own-dug holes, Justine took nine minutes and 17 seconds,
and Paul took three minutes and 50 seconds.
- Nine minutes?! - That's a long time to make a hole for a ball and whack it in.
No, I spent the first eight and a half minutes with the stupid club and the stupid ball,
going to the stupid flags. It was a stupid waste of time.
You wouldn't believe she's on a seven handicap. (LAUGHTER)
Loves her golf. - I don't even know what that means.
See? She's still yet to be seen if that is the hole that the ball's actually supposed to be hit into.
Who should we look at next, Paul? - It's the remaining three.
You've heard of Tiger Woods. Well, here's Kura Forrest-er, Chris Park-er
and Josh Thomson, who doesn't have any tree-based words in his name. (LAUGHTER)
Where's the hole? Where's the hole? Where's the hole?
Well, well. Looks like it's over there.
There's the hole.
This is so fun!
CHUCKLES: Oh my God.
Shit. Where'd it go? Oh, crap.
Happy Gilmore!
That's not a ho― There's no hole.
'This is not the hole.' Why would you put that there?
Oh no. This is a trick.
Maybe it's gonna lead to the hole.
I thought I was nailing it.
Is the hole down there?
Oh no.
I found another flag!
I could try over there.
Whoo!
Which one's the hole?
This is not the hole.
Wait.
You wrote 'this is not the hole'?
I feel like I'm quite good at this.
Oh no.
It's not the hole.
I could probably just carry this ball, eh. I'm not gonna risk that.
My lungs. My poor lungs.
There's a trick. There's a trick.
Where's the hole?!
Paul, do you know where the hole is?
- Can't tell you. - Be a good boy and tell me where the hole is.
Sorry.
Just a sweaty man walking through the forest looking for a hole.
- Are you the hole? - No.
- How many holes have you got? - I'm not answering that.
I watched that documentary on Tiger Woods. He never had to deal with this shit.
It's not here, is it?
I'm gonna go up the top and have a look out. I'll be able to see the hole.
Bet you nobody else came inside.
I don't think it's upstairs, do you?
There's the hole!
(GASPING, EXCLAIMING)
Aaaaaarse.
Arse! Arse! Arse! Arse!
Arse! Arse!
Piss! Piss! Piss!
(GRUNTS) Where's the ball?
It's in the... Oh, it's in the piss hole.
Who puts a hole upstairs?
Goddammit. Out there pissing around.
Time.
Get...
(PANTS)
Well, that was easy (!)
This is why I don't play golf.
(APPLAUSE)
- (GROANS) - Oh man.
Contrasting experience in that task between Josh and Kura.
Kura, you had a ball! - (LAUGHS)
An absolute ball out there.
Yeah, I try and look on the bright side as much as possible.
I can see that, cos you were having a complete shitter, yet you just kept going.
It was really impressive. - Thank you.
How long did Kura go for?
- Kura took 32 minutes and 44 seconds. - Yep.
- Josh took 30 minutes and 39 seconds. - Oh! Come on!
- Incredibly close, yes. - OK. And what about Chris?
- Chris ― 10 minutes and 31 seconds. - Oh! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Oh my God!
I won a sport! I won a sport! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
So, you guys, obviously, you didn't think to look in the house?
- (LAUGHS) No. No. - Not for a second.
Knowing the layout of the Taskmaster house, surely a cruel trick was played on Justine and Paul.
I assure you, the hole was not moved. Here's visual proof.
Thoroughly, thoroughly depressing experience.
- Oh my God. - JOSH: Oh no!
Give up, guv.
(SIGHS)
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
Fuck golf! (LAUGHTER)
If Paul had seen it, he would've won quite easily.
He walked past, yeah, about three minutes into it. - Oh my God.
You didn't notice there was a cameraman upstairs, just standing by the hole?
I thought they were just filming me, pissed off, going into the room.
For all I know, I've got a third child at home, and I just keep walking past them.
(LAUGHTER)
No idea he's there.
So, how do we score that one?
- Justine and Paul both did not finish. - No.
But third place, Kura.
Second place, Josh.
And in 10 and a half minutes, first place, Chris Parker. - Amazing.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) What a comeback. What a comeback.
It's time to do a Paul Ego and hit the 19th hole for a quick refreshment
in the form of a quick commercial break.
We'll be back with the very exciting live task that will decide tonight's winner in just a moment.
We'll see you soon.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Nice to have you with us tonight.
If you've just joined us, this is Taskmaster.
You're just in time to see five fledgling Taskmaster chicks leave the warm, cosy nest
by going up to the stage for the season's first live task.
But before that, Paul, where are the episode's scores at, please?
In last place with six points is Paul.
Kura's on 13. And Josh is on 15.
So it's still very close.
Let's head up on to the stage for our final task. (APPLAUSE)
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
A bath. I'm not sure that any amount of soap can clean up the filth that we've seen here tonight, Paul,
but let's have a go. What's the next task?
- Reading the task, Kura Forrester. - CHRIS: Good luck, Ku.
READS: 'Construct the tallest soap skyscraper.
'While constructing, you must enthusiastically make the noise Paul asks the person before youto make.
'If your noise is incorrect, unenthusiastic or takes too long, Paul will push over your tower.'
There's more.
'You have 120 seconds.
'Tallest soap skyscraper wins. Your time starts when Paul asks his first question.'
So, the first question will go to Jeremy. Is everybody ready?
- CONTESTANTS: Yes. - Not really, but OK.
Jeremy, the pig goes...
(SNORTS)
(COMICAL MUSIC)
PAUL EGO: Oh, it's so wet.
Chris, the monkey goes...
(SNORTS)
Josh, the chicken goes...
Ooh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh! (LAUGHTER)
Justine, the goat goes...
(CLUCKS, SQUAWKS)
Kura, the mouse goes...
Maaaa. Maaaa.
Paul, the rooster goes...
(BRAYS)
What noise was that?
Oh!
What was I meant to do? - A mouse.
Was that not a mouse? (LAUGHTER)
Chris, the owl goes...
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
Josh, the frog goes...
(HOOTS)
Justine, the rabbit goes...
Croak, croak. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHS)
(CHUCKLES) Kura, the lion goes...
(SNUFFLES) (LAUGHTER)
Paul, the Lion King goes...
# Na, ze-fen-ya,
♪ ca-na-na, na-ni, me-na-na. # (LAUGHTER)
What?
Chris, the creaky door goes...
# Ah, ze-fen-ya, ma-na, ni-chi ah. ♪
Josh, the boiling kettle goes...
(IMITATES CREAKING) (LAUGHTER)
- Justine, the jet engine goes... - (WHISTLES) - You have 10 seconds.
Kura, the giraffe goes...
DEEP VOICE: Whooooom! (LAUGHTER)
(WHISTLE TRILLS) - Hands away, please.
Wow!
Amazing!
- CHRIS: I need some hand sanitiser. - I think your hands are incredibly clean.
(LAUGHTER) - Wow! Look at your tower, Josh!
Right, someone just have scored something out of that.
Let's head back down to the stage, and we'll score it. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Paul, who scrubbed up best out of that?
Chris Parker ― 21.5cm.
Josh ― 25cm.
Justine ― 17cm.
Kura ― 12.8cm.
And Paul ― 13cm.
I didn't come last at something!
So, that means one point for Kura, two points for Paul,
three points for Justine, four points for Chris and five points for Josh.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - OK. Not gonna react. I'm not gonna... (LAUGHS)
So, taking those numbers into account, who does that mean is our episode winner, Paul?
The runaway winner of episode one with 20 points, Josh Thomson. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Wow! - (SCREAMS)
That means that Josh Thomson gets hold of eight out of 10 of Kura's bottles of wine...
- Yes! - ...and Justine Smith's dresses. - Ooh yeah! Ooh, too― Ooh, too much?
Off you go. Go up there and enjoy your spoils. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Tonight, we've witnessed Paul Ego eating dog shit.
We've seen Chris Parker prove that time waits for no man who can't throw a teaspoon.
We've also found out that the winner of episode one, season three of Taskmaster is Josh Thomson!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Thanks for your company tonight. See you next week. Pomarie.
(GRUNTS)
('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)
Yeah!
You've been busy.
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
We're here to celebrate and commiserate five comedians attempting to impress me
by completing tasks to the best of their sometimes limited abilities.
And we're off!
Aargh!
(GRUNTS)
Well, buckle up, cos I'm ready to go!
(QUACKS)
(SCREAMS)
Whoo!
ALL: This is fun!
Is that all the way up, that zip, or is there still a little bit of my back showing?
Ooh!
- (GRUNTS) - (SCREAMS)
God, I've never been so satisfied in my life.
If that doesn't get a standing ovation, nothing on this show ever will.
Thank you, Justine. Thank you, Josh. Kura. Paul. Chris.
Are you not entertained?!
Yeah, I was entertained.