(PLATEN KNOB CLICKS)
(SILENCE)
(YELLS)
Ooh-hoo-hoo.
(SLAP!)
(KEYS CLACK)
('TASKMASTER' THEME)
Aargh!
(YELLS)
My name's Paul Williams.
Oh!
(PANTS)
(KEYS CLACK)
Oh!
(STRAINS)
Hiyah! (GRUNTS)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2022
(TYPEWRITER BELL DINGS)
Kia ora koutou! Welcome to episode seven of Taskmaster Season Three.
I'm Jeremy Wells, TV's lovable bad boy
that after years of media experience and emotional maturing came good... - (LAUGHTER)
...only to turn bad again as the devilish dictator that you all know as the Taskmaster.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Sitting here with us tonight are five of my most promising
subjugated citizens... - (LAUGHTER)
...following my orders to the death ―
or at least until you at home get a little chuckle ―
Chris Parker... - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- ...Josh Thomson... - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- ...Justine Smith... - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- ...Kura Forrester... - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- ...and Paul Ego! - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Helping me keep these oppressed souls in check
is a man who can quite literally survive anything thrown at him.
But I've been asked not to test that theory too thoroughly.
It's Paul Williams! - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Start us off, please.
As always, we'll start with a prize task.
This week, the contestants were asked to bring in the best thing on a stick.
Some of the best things in my life come on a stick,
so, uh, let's see what we have on offer ―
starting with Chris.
For me, the best thing (LAUGHS) that you can get on a stick
is the humble
fish and chip hot dog. - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
There is a simple pleasure in a highly processed piece of animal
on a stick, isn't there? - (LAUGHTER)
Yeah. Oh my God.
And then cover that in some strange batter ―
but don't pre-sauce it. - (LAUGHTER)
All right, Josh.
- What separates the good from the great... - (TITTERING)
...is their willingness to sacrifice.
I am, of course, talking about my best thing on a stick ―
Olympic medallist Eliza McCartney. - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER)
No one thought a teenager from the North Shore of little old per-capita New Zealand
would snatch away a medal from the 2016 Rio Olympics, but snatch she did ―
and she snatched it away from an Australian, and she took a medal when she was 19.
When I was 19, I thought two-minute noodles was the amount of time
you had to eat it in. - (LAUGHTER)
- Paul, what did you bring in? - Oh, well,
some people may know that I'm the voice of one of New Zealand's
leading large yellow supermarket chains. - (LAUGHTER)
So I've made my own Stickman on a stick. - KURA AND JUSTINE: Aww!
So this is...
me. - That's you!
- NASAL VOICE: Gidday, Taskmaster. - (LAUGHTER)
You're much hotter in person.
If you came to my place, it'd be meat week every night.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
I assume you're being paid for this promotion?
- Oh, fuck, yeah. Heaps. - (LAUGHTER)
- No, I'm not. - Justine, what did you bring in?
So, I bought in what may seem quite boring ― it's a memory stick.
My grandad made a cassette tape of my sister and I on every birthday.
On this stick is a little recording of little Jussie singing a little song,
and I believe we have a photo and the soundtrack...
YOUNG JUSSIE: # Little Peter Rabbit had a fly upon his nose.
♪ Little Peter Rabbit had a fly upon his nose,
♪ And he flipped it and he flopped it
♪ and it flew right away. # - (APPLAUSE)
- It's a bit Chucky. - JOSH: Yeah.
- I'm just gonna say that. - Ooh, OK.
You've hurt me before on this show, but not as much as that. - (TITTERING)
Kura.
- OK, I'll just bring it back up. - (LAUGHTER)
My favourite thing on a stick ― it's absolutely this ―
you can't walk past meat on a stick and not get it,
cos it's the best way to eat meat.
So I brought in chicken satay on a stick.
That― I bought it a while ago. - Yeah.
- He's not happy. - Looks like someone's vomited on it.
- Yeah, it does. - Was that me?
- Some flicks of carrot. - Well, because then I thought, 'Well, you always need dessert
'after a good feed of chicken on a stick.'
So I put some of your favourite lollies on a stick ―
pineapple lumps and aeroplanes on a stick.
- Yum. - So I thought, 'What else could go well on a stick?'
Scratchies on a stick.
This took me ages. - (LAUGHTER)
And then I was like, 'Oh,
'I may as well just chuck some money on a stick.' - (LAUGHTER)
- Like it. - A lot of time, a lot of effort.
But what's the best thing on a stick?
That's four things. But what's the best?
- Money. - (LAUGHTER)
- You're going with money? - Yeah, cos I can tell you don't like my chicken vomit.
So I'm going with money on a stick! - (LAUGHTER)
- OK. Paul, I'm gonna go one for you. - Thanks, mate.
I think it was really the best thing that's happened to your bank account...
- (LAUGHTER) - ...rather than actually
what's gonna happen to me. - He's not wrong.
Kura, I'll go two points...
- Thank you. - ...cos of the money on a stick.
Chris, I go three points for you. - Yeah.
- Because I don't trust anyone who eats a hotdog over the age of 14. - LAUGHS: Yeah, that's fair.
Four points for you, Justine, cos I love your grandad with the banjolele;
and five for you, Josh.
Congratulations. - Five for Eliza!
For Eliza! - Eliza McCartney.
You can't go past Eliza.
Very nice. Well, that was a beautiful entree,
but I'm ready for some larger portions.
Paul, can you use your little machine there to show us what's up next?
I sure can. Here's a task ― and, for obvious reasons,
one of my favourite tasks of the season.
(MISCHIEVOUS THEME MUSIC)
Ah.
Hellooo?
- Hello. - Hi, Paul.
This is cosy, innit?
Is that the task?
And what's happened here? That's not the proper thing.
Why is it on lined paper? Did we run out of the good paper?
Yeah, we ran out of the nice paper.
Oh no.
'Give Paul money.
'Most money wins.
'You have 10 minutes.
'Your time starts―' Is this real?
Finish reading the task, please.
Is this real?
'Your time starts now.'
There's something fishy going on.
Well, I explained we ran out of the nice paper.
- Yeah, but why didn't you have the wax stamp? - We lost that.
Is this your handwriting? You're a serial killer.
I'm gonna do it, though.
- I guess― Shall we get you some money? - Yes, please.
Justine, have you seen a serial killer's handwriting before?
- No, but I imagine if― it would be Paul's, if I ever did see it. - (LAUGHTER)
It was, like, really small, scratchy, tense ― like, unhappy.
(LAUGHTER)
I can't believe how sceptical you were, Kura, because―
what did you think that Paul's done,
is he's infiltrated the Taskmaster set
and then he's gone and decided to handwrite one and just chuck in a task
so he can make some money on the side for himself?
Is that what you were thinking? - 100%.
(LAUGHTER)
Who do we get to see first, my debt-riddled friend?
This first clip is rich in people. It's Josh, Kura, Justine and Chris.
- CHRIS: What are we gonna do? - What do you mean?
- We gotta get some money. - What, you― you don't have any money?
No.
- Why do I have to give you money? - Well, it's the task.
I don't feel like you've done much for it, though.
- CHRIS: How long do I have? - You've got nine minutes
and 10 seconds. - I'll be back.
Holy gosh. I might check my wallet.
How much do you think the others will give?
Justine has a good heart,
but she won't give you anything.
Especially on here. - (LAUGHTER)
- Thank you. - It's 50 bucks.
- So you're happy with that? - Yeah, I'm― I'm OK with that,
because I would be surprised if those other tightwads on the show
have actual cash money in their wallets.
It's not― It's not just cash.
Why are you looking at me like that? - Cos I don't understand, really.
If it's not just cash... - There's other ways of paying money.
Well, I don't have a fucking chequebook, do I?
(LAUGHTER)
Do you have a mobile EFTPOS machine? - Yeah.
- Doyou? - Yeah.
(GASPS)
- You don'thaveto give money. - What could I do instead?
Oh, yuck. I'm not doing that, Paul.
- I-I was just meaning lose― - Are you...
- ...lose the task. - ...trying to force me to...
- I was just saying― - ...do things to you?
$500.
(LAUGHS) I don't really wanna give you $500, though.
You've got just over a minute.
Ahhh!
Ahhhhh! Iamputting in the particulars.
$150.
OK.
Just swipe or insert, please.
Got you some money.
- Is this money? - Yeah.
- Gift card? - It's a Prezzy card.
- How much did you transfer? - $75.
OK, so that's $200 altogether I gave you.
Do you think anyone's gonna beat that?
If they do, I'm gonna get physically violent with them.
How much did you give me?
$780,000.
- No, you didn't. - OK.
I saw what it said.
$101.
- Why 101? - Just in case someone gave you $100.
- And how much is it? - 100 bucks.
I'm just trying to think what I'm gonna tell my wife.
I might have to pretend we're having an affair.
OK.
Who do you think will give me the most?
Probably Paul Ego.
Paul's pretty rich.
Paul's got that old radio money.
- He's got that old radio money. - He's got that old radio money.
Whereas the new radio money, they just give you Prezzy cards.
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING)
You were a little bit disappointed, Justine,
when Paul pulled out the EFTPOS machine. I could see it in your face.
- Yeah. - You were like, 'He's not gonna have that.'
Well, I was a bit worried too,
cos it was, like, quite a financial slumpy time of my life,
and I was like, (IMITATES CHOKING).
You were also the only person that seemed to have cash,
which is interesting, cos I know what people use cash to pay for nowadays.
- It's drugs. - (LAUGHTER)
It's not.
(MOUTHS)
Josh, smart ― $101. See, I know what you've done there.
At one point, I was gonna give Paul quite a lot of money,
but then I... like my family. - (LAUGHTER)
So I didn't do it.
- Kura, you settled for 75. - Yeah. I don't have a child or a family, so...
- (LAUGHTER) - And I gave the least.
I just thought, 'That'll do.'
How much did everyone give, exactly?
- Yeah, so, Kura gave $75... - Yeah.
...Chris $100,
Josh $101
and Justine $200.
Wow.
Now it comes down to old radio money.
- (LAUGHTER) - That old radio money.
- Let's see if Mr Stickman has deep pockets. - (CHUCKLES)
'Give Paul money.' What a load of bullshit.
He seems like a man who's easily fooled.
(LOUNGE MUSIC)
(LAUGHTER)
There you go.
$3.30.
They look like some etchings you've done with a crayon.
There's a reason for that.
That's what they are.
Cos ― I'm sorry, Paul ― I'm not giving you any money.
I mean, look at the way you're dressed.
Clearly, you either own a stables
or you're a slave owner from the 1800s.
- (LAUGHTER) - I don't own a stables.
Thought it was the second one.
So you've given me $3.30...
Rubbings of $3.30. Yeah.
Sorry, P. Willie.
- Thank you, Paul. - You'll have to find money somewhere else.
- (LAUGHTER) - Couldn't have gone better.
Wow.
A fool and his money are soon parted.
- (LAUGHS) It's like I've got no idea how to win a task. - (LAUGHTER)
The thing is ― you etched some coins.
- Yeah. - You could've drawn...
like $50. - (LAUGHTER)
- I definitely could've. - But you etched some coins.
- That's how the rich stay rich, baby! - (LAUGHTER)
I think we all know how this goes. What are the scores?
One point for Paul, two points for Kura,
three points for Chris, four for Josh,
and five points for Justine Smith. - Yes!
(CHEERING)
Right. Time for Paul to start counting his newfound fortune,
and we're going to play some ads that will tempt him to part with it.
We'll be back soon. - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(MISCHIEVOUS THEME MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Hello again. You have rejoined Taskmaster.
Right now, these comedians hoping to win a hotdog on a stick, some chicken pieces on a stick
and an Olympic bronze medallist on a stick.
One of those things is not edible.
Paul, I'm ready for another task. What do you have for me?
It's a team task, and it's worth noting that no special effects were used in the delivery ofthis task.
Oh no.
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
(GRUNTS LOUDLY)
What on Earth is P. Willie doing?
Is he doing a magic trick? - Wow.
KURA: Wow. Paul's doing some magic.
- Oh, right. - Let's stand here and make him do it for a bit longer,
cos it's quite tragic.
Oh my God. It must be that wire that can clearly see.
- There's no wire. - What's that in your pants, then?
It's my― my private parts.
- We can see the string, mate. - What string?
We can see it.
I'll float it on to your hand.
- Can I take it? I'll― - Just grab it.
- OK. - Just grab it.
- (CLANG!) - How do you explain that?
There's a rock in it.
I don't wanna hurt your finger.
OK. - Why would you hurt my finger?
- Cos it's tied with a nylon string. - It wasn't.
- Open away. - 'Enchant the forest.
'Most enchanted forest wins.
'You have 60 minutes.
'Your time starts... meow.'
- An hour to enchant the forest? - To make it enchanted.
We won't do a whole forest in an hour.
We can certainly do a... - ...a bit of it.
Plus, if a part of it is enchanted,
then surely the rest of the forest will eventually become enchanted. - Yeah, it grows.
It spreads. - Cos that's how...
- ...enchantment spreads. - That's how enchantment works.
Yeah. It's like ― what do you call it? ― um, kauri dieback. - LAUGHS: Yeah.
But like a magic version.
Shall we get some enchanting things? - Yeah, let's go.
Let's go shed it.
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
Oh...
- Yeah, we need like― - We need like an entry point.
Like― This is quite good. - Yes.
Like that.
Just says, like, 'Let's fuck.'
(LAUGHTER)
Hold it there.
We got nine minutes left, guys.
I've got a hat.
There you go.
(GRUNTS)
Ready?
(APPLAUSE)
Oh... Oh, I love enchanted forests.
I've always been enchanted by enchanted forests. This is super exciting.
I like what you said about, like, a fun kauri dieback.
- Yeah, yeah. - (LAUGHTER) - Just― it spreads,
that enchantment, man. You gotta watch it.
OK, Paul. Whose mystical masterwork do I get to be spellbound by first?
It's kind of unfair, because they have a Forrester in their team ―
it's Justine, Josh and Kura.
(WHIMSICAL RECORDER MUSIC PLAYS) - (PLAYS GENTLE MELODY)
BREATHY BRITISH ACCENT: Welcome to the Enchanted Forest.
We are an enchanted forest but also double as a lovely function centre
with reasonable rates on weddings and other things.
Come. See the forest. - (RECORDER CONTINUES PLAYING)
Come.
We have the Bush Lady.
(LAUGHTER)
(CACKLES MANIACALLY)
Ooh!
(JOSH LAUGHS)
Spiders.
Eyes are watching you. - (RECORDER MUSIC CONTINUES)
And the Man.
(LAUGHTER)
(RECORDER MUSIC CONTINUES)
(MELODY STUTTERS, LEAVES RUSTLE)
(LAUGHTER)
(STOPS PLAYING) Haaaa!
(GROWLS) I'm gonna wear you like a small pair of shorts.
- (LAUGHTER) - (GROWLS) You're in the Enchanted Forest now.
I'm gonna put you on one foot at a time,
like a nice pair of socks. Christmas socks!
Socks that I've been looking forward to!
Socks that I like to wear on days that aren't Christmas!
- (SHRIEKS, CACKLES) - (GENTLE UKULELE PLAYS, RECORDER MUSIC RESUMES)
(MUSIC ENDS, APPLAUSE)
I mean, maybe that was less enchanted forest and more like day three
at WOMAD on magic mushrooms. - (LAUGHTER)
- KURA: Yeah. - Just on the comedown, eh.
- Yeah. - Like...
Like, 'Don't pull out the recorder again.'
- Yeah. - (LAUGHTER)
- That was Josh playing the recorder. - Yeah.
Correct. - Has anyone ever heard anyone play the recorder
and it actually sounded OK? - Yeah.
Chris and I are actually both woodwinders.
We both play the clarinet. - Clarinet, yeah.
- Another fun fact about us. Um― - Oh, how cool (!)
(LAUGHTER)
- It is, actually. It's really cool! - It's really cool.
People think the saxophone's cooler, but it's not. - It's not!
It's not― That's not a sexy instrument!
The straight black one is.
- So, uh, Kura, you were taking us through the Enchanted Forest there... - Yep.
- ...and the first person that we came across was the Bush Lady. - Yes.
Jeremy, you've been saying to me that I've got a really fortune-teller vibe,
and, you know, I like to listen to you, and I leaned into that crazy, witchy, wrapped-in-a-blanket,
shit-in-my-hair vibe. - (LAUGHTER)
All right. Paul? Will you enchant me again?
It's time for a pretty full-on forest...
- Fuck. (STIFLES LAUGH) - ...from our two tall timbers ―
it's Chris and Paul.
(MYSTERIOUS PAN PIPE MUSIC)
Oooh!
Stop, well-dressed virgin.
You may not enter the Enchanted Forest.
Bring in the virgin!
Ooh. The Sex Witch bids you enter.
- Thank you. - You are welcome.
Halt, Virgin,
and wash your private parts in my Sex Potion.
- (LAUGHTER) - Oh my God.
Ahh.
I can feel them beginning to heat up
and (CHUCKLES) grow.
Continue, little virgin.
(PAN PIPE MUSIC CONTINUES)
Cow Slayer, put down your pan pipes
and slay the beast!
(CACKLES) Gladly, my Bitch Queen.
(LAUGHS WHEEZILY)
Come, little virgin,
and kneel before me.
Ooooh! Good kneeling.
Choose your fruit ―
a banana or mango.
He has chosen the mango, Cow Slayer.
- (CACKLES) - (LAUGHS EVILLY)
(LAUGHS)
And now I shall give you
some of my Sex Potion juice. - Ooh!
Drink it and you will be forever horny!
- Ah! - Good shot, Sex Witch.
- (WATER GUN SQUIRTS) - Yes. Yes!
He is soak-ed. (CACKLES)
Release my horny virgin!
Dance!
Dance and fuck!
(GIGGLES)
(LAUGHS EVILLY)
Ooh. Ooh.
(GIGGLES)
Ooh! Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Look at the virgin.
Ooh, sexy virgin.
- (APPLAUSE) - Wowsers. (LAUGHS)
Boy, you've got some explaining to do there.
Well, we saw him and we were like,
'If anyone needs to be sexually enchanted, it's Paul.'
- (LAUGHTER) - Honestly. The rest of that day,
he was giving us back rubs casually...
- Whoo! - ...high fives; he was like..
like that. Yeah, he was a changed man, you know?
- Look how comfortable Paul is (!) - Mm. Oh, totally.
But we didn't have to ask him to do anything twice.
A lot of that shit was his idea. - (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Uh, your character was the... was the Sex Witch. - Yeah.
Bitch Queen Sex Witch, yeah.
It's an Elton John song. - (LAUGHTER)
- I think five points for Paul and Chris... - Oh, thank you.
...and three points for Josh, Kura and Justine.
They were very good. They were very good. - Great work. Great work.
So, Paul, after all of that, what are the scores?
In first equal, with 12 points each, it's Josh and Justine.
- (APPLAUSE) - KURA: Whoooo!
After all that wild forest action,
it's time for a spiritual cleansing in the form of sage-burning
and a commercial break. We'll see you soon.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(MISCHIEVOUS THEME MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
We have frolicked in a sex forest
and showered a well-dressed virgin in money. - (LAUGHTER)
So, uh, pretty typical episode so far.
Paul, you are on a roll with these tasks. Let's get into another one.
Don't leave the room. You're not gonna wanna miss this one.
(MISCHIEVOUS THEME MUSIC)
Hello, Chris. - Hello, Paul.
Hey, P. Willie.
(PUFFS STRENUOUSLY)
Was it actually windy out there,
or was that acting? - Yeah, don't go out there.
- OK. - I've just got back from Jumanji.
You're lucky I could fit this in.
- Delightful. - What is?
- You are. - Thank you.
- Does that look freaky? - Kinda.
Ha-cha!
'Leave the room...
'and come back in exactly 11 minutes.
'Your time starts when you leave the room.'
Bloody hell.
Does it matter what room I go into?
Ideally, back out into Jumanji.
Could you please leave the watch? - What?
How am I gonna know 11 minutes?
- Well, that's what― - I've just gotta guess?
Yes, please.
Please pass me your watch, please. - What if I use my phone?
- Pass me your phone, please. - I shouldn't tell you these things.
Is your phone in there?
AMERICAN ACCENT: Come on, man! That's not Jumanji love, man.
- PANTS: Oh my God. - Yeah.
- It's Jumanji. - You see Jack Black?
- No, I was in the Robin Williams... - I've got Jack Black.
Yeah, sorry.
It'd be... 11 sixties.
Also known as 11 minutes.
- (LAUGHS) - CHRIS: Yeah.
Seven, eight.
No― Shit. - Practising counting seconds?
Yes.
Let me think of a 10 minute stand-up comedy set,
and then I'll wait for the one minute of applause that I usually get.
- (LAUGHTER) - PAUL: OK.
CHRIS: One, two, three...
(DOOR CLOSES)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
11 minutes.
Hello, Paul.
- You're a fast grower of facial hair. - Thank you.
- What time did I get? - All the information you need is in the task.
- This? - Yes, please.
'Spot the 12 changes to this room.
'Most correct wins. You have three minutes.
'Your time starts now.'
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER)
- So, there we are ― the old switcheroo. - Amazing.
Paul, who gets to play 'spot the difference' first?
It's Chris, Josh and Justine.
Oh, piss― (SCREAMS)
Gah! Fuck! Whoa!
Hey, bro. - Long time no see, bro.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shit, shit.
Hi, David.
Hi, Chris.
- This wasn't here before. - What?
This, um, piece of wallpaper that's sticking out.
Well, there's a task in here now. A new task.
CHUCKLES: I've looked around this room so many times.
AmIdifferent?
Might be mentally.
Ew, yuck!
Ew, is that real?
There's a fuckin' rat in the cage! The hell's wrong with you?
Banana ― new.
This wasn't here before.
So, I mean, I can just say things, and if they're wrong, it doesn't matter.
This, this...
- Could you put names on things, please? - Oh, OK.
LAUGHS: Um...
That's different.
- How is it different? - You― Well, duh.
Some things go without having to be explained.
He hasn't got any glasses!
- 20 seconds. - Um...
These were around a different order.
All these globes have been moved.
This is a different woman.
It used to be your mum.
Buzzy Bee wasn't there.
- I think that's― - (WHISTLE TRILLS)
- Fuckin' hell. Honestly. - Sorry.
- Did you win the season that you were in? - Nah.
That's why I'm here... - Yeah.
- ...doing this. - (BOTH CHUCKLE)
- Bye, David. - Bye, Chris.
- Do I get to hang out with David? - If you want.
- Thank you, Paul. - Hi, David. Come on, then.
- PAUL: Thank you, Justine. - JUSTINE: Bye. Thank you, Paul! Love you.
- Aww, that was cute. - So, just by the looks of it there,
you went through and basically named every single thing in the room,
including Paul's mum. - Feels like a good strategy to me.
Who got a fright from seeing David Correos from Taskmaster Season Two?
Yeah, I got a― I got a fright cos, um, well, it was different before.
There was a wall. Did you guys not get a fright?
No, I just felt really happy to see him.
Cos I saw him straight away, cos he was sticking out about that far from the wall.
- How did those guys go, Paul? - Chris spotted nine differences...
- That's not bad. - (JOSH GROANS) - ...of the 12;
Josh spotted six, Justine only four.
- OK. Hmmm. - (CHRIS CHUCKLES)
What were the 12 changes exactly?
- I have a graphic... - OK.
...of the 12 differences highlighted.
- Wow. - Oh, that's good.
I mean, a very obvious David Correos
standing there against the wall ―
surely they'd be able to spot him. - Surely.
Here's Kura and Paul.
OK, 12 changes to this room.
Paul has a moustache.
That light's turned blue. - (TITTERING)
There's a banana.
Um...
I really wasn't paying attention to this before.
That top picture is upside down.
Was that upside down before?
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
The rug's missing?
That's two. That light's on.
- How has he not seen David? - Oh my God. - (LAUGHTER)
Um...
those pencils have changed colour, I think.
This...
(LAUGHS WHEEZILY)
Oh, fuck! Fuckin'...
Who's in there?!
I'm not sure if there was a David Correos partially nude behind the lamp before.
- Hey, Kura. - Hey, mate. How are you?
- I'm good. How are you? - You look fabulous.
Thank you. You look great too.
Looks like an arsehole
with one eye.
No offence. Um, (LAUGHS) OK, so...
(SNORTS) Why I didn't see you first I don't know. That's really weird.
Should've gone, 'Well, that's the obvious one.'
Oh, I love ya. And I love that you're the wallpaper.
Is that the same, that picture?
Has the painting changed?
Did he have glasses before?
God, now I'm starting to lose my mind.
David, can you tell me what's changed in here?
Nah, I don't think I'm allowed to.
Camera crew?
They were there, right? - They were there, yeah.
Oh, and this little trinket down here―
- (WHISTLE TRILLS) - (SHRIEKS)
Nailed it.
How'd you get this guy?
He's very available.
How've things gone?
Downhill?
Since Taskmaster?
Can look forward to that.
- Cheers, mate. - Thank you.
- See you, David. - Bye, Paul.
- Great wallpaper. - Hey, thank you.
- You look hot. - Thank you.
Are they paying you well?
If I'm not getting paid, then he's not getting paid.
Are you getting paid? - Pretty sure everyone here's getting paid.
Are you getting paid?
(LAUGHTER)
WHISPERS: What the shit?
(APPLAUSE)
How long did it take you to sp―? I mean, that was remarkable.
- You were so close to him. - I know.
- And he was sticking out. - (JOSH LAUGHS) - Yeah.
I've got really bad eyesight.
- CHUCKLES: I've got 20/20. - Yeah.
- Oh dear. - I could smell him, but I...
- (LAUGHTER) - ...I couldn't tell
where it was coming from. - Was that the rat in the birdcage?
So, Kura, with her 20/20 vision, took 55 seconds to notice him,
and, uh, Paul ― one minute 25. - Wow.
- (LAUGHTER) - Cannot believe that.
- So, obviously took them a while to see David Correos... - Yes.
- ...but how did they go overall? - Paul did spot seven differences
and Kura 10.
- Wow! - Nice! - Well done, Kura.
Mate.
So that means one point for Justine, two points for Josh,
three for Paul, four for Chris
and five points for Kura Forrester. - Great work, Paul.
We're gonna take a break now to allow me to make a few phone calls to see how David Correos is doing.
We'll see you soon. - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(MISCHIEVOUS THEME MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to the visual and aural experience that is Taskmaster,
where we're waiting to see who's going to take home
a kebab and a hot dog. - (LAUGHTER)
Paul Williams, I'm ravenous ― feed me another task, please.
Get your popcorn ready. This one's a real blockbuster.
(MISCHIEVOUS THEME MUSIC)
Oh, heck.
Yeah!
You seem to have left some of your working gear out here.
Did you know this person who was cremated?
'Create a 30-second scene from a blockbuster.'
DISAPPOINTED: Oh, it's a metaphor.
'You must play the main character...
'...and that character must― (CHUCKLES) must be the President.
'The President must wear the provided costume.
'Your scene must start in the study
'with a crash zoom out of your mouth.
'Your scene must end with you drinking a cup of tea at the bar!'
'Your scene must start with you drinking a cup of tea at the bar.
'Your scene must end with you doing a forward roll in the field.'
'Your scene must start with you (LAUGHS) doing a forward roll.
'Your scene must end with you answering a phone call as you enter a car.'
'...ending a phone call in a car.
'Your scene must end with you biting an apple in the caravan.'
'...biting an apple in the caravan.
'Your scene must end with a crash zoom into your mouth.'
- Oh my God! - PAUL, CHUCKLING: 'Most blockbusting scene wins.
- This is gonna be amazing. - 'You have 45 minutes.'
'Your time starts... now!'
- We're not gonna get to break anything? - Sorry.
- Whose clothes are these? - President's.
Yeah, but is the President...
a girthy man?
- Is this Donald-Trump-inspired? - Mm-mm.
- (LAUGHTER) - Feel quite presidential.
I feel presidential.
Shame we had to dress as a man to be the President, but...
I don't think it should be the President of America.
AMERICAN ACCENT: People of America...
I think the President of the world.
In which case he could be, like, (VAGUE EUROPEAN ACCENT) from anywhere. You know?
- Wh― Where is he from? - He could be from anywhere.
- That sounds European, though. - Yeah, well, is he
(AMERICAN ACCENT) or is he not?
Anywhere where I can do an accent
without it being offensive.
Those are the rules. - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- This is so cool! - This is great.
- So it's all starting to make sense now, right? - CONTESTANTS: Yes!
- This is so cool. - So, everyone's playing the same character...
- Yeah. - ...and you've all got slightly different scenes,
and then we'll make a blockbusting trailer.
- Yass. - Wow! - I'm interested, Chris ―
which accents are you prepared to do and which ones aren't you prepared to do?
- All... - (LAUGHTER)
- All the white ones. - (LAUGHTER)
I've booked my ticket. The trailers have played.
Let's see this blockbuster.
Starring in the role of the President, in order of appearance ―
Chris Parker, Paul Ego, Kura Forrester,
Justine Smith and Josh Thompson.
- Wow! - (LAUGHTER, CHEERING)
(EXHALES)
VAGUE EUROPEAN ACCENT: It's a hell of a job
being the President of the entire world.
GERMAN ACCENT: President of ze world,
it has happened ―
ze climate has changed.
(LAUGHTER)
Prepare the luxury rocket ship.
I'm taking my ass to another planet.
- (HANDSET CLATTERS) - Where are you going?
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)
(ROCKET ENGINE ROARS, GROUND RUMBLES)
Let's hope I do a better job at this next planet.
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)
(LAUGHTER)
(AMPLIFIED CLATTER)
AMERICAN ACCENT: Hello. The President of the United States speaking on his phone.
What?
Oh my God!
Allof the gymnasts?
How many did we send?
4600? And they're all dead?
Well, goddammit. That means I'm the only trained gymnast left
in the White House. - (LAUGHTER)
I haven't done gymnastics since 1978 in 'Nam.
Goddammit.
NORMAL VOICE: I am actually calling someone. (LAUGHS)
AMERICAN ACCENT: You never forget how to do this sort of stuff ―
backflip,
commando crawl...
Oh, this takes me back to Saigon.
(DRAMATIC, HEROIC MUSIC)
(LAUGHTER)
(SLOWED-DOWN GROAN)
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
(COUGHS)
(TENSE MUSIC)
(LAUGHTER)
AMERICAN ACCENT: Here I am ― the fuckin' President, all the way from America ―
and this is how they treat me here. Not very nice welcome.
They say New Zealanders are super friendly,
but (SCOFFS) they vote me in and they treat me like this?!
Yeah, sure, I've done some bad stuff,
but Samuel L. Jackson's on the line, standing over the detonator.
If I say hello, he presses the button.
If I say hi, I've changed my mind.
Good luck, New Zealand.
- Yep. - (LAUGHTER)
Yup. Yeah, it's come to me at this top level.
I'm not even gonna let the VP do it. Mate, this is a job
for the President.
It's important. Project Evil Queen, mate ―
my men cannot be trusted. Snow White is too precious to all of us.
I found out the caravan where the Evil Queen spends her summer.
(SPY MUSIC)
Yes! The Evil Queen's caravan.
Nailed it. Absolutely nailed it.
- Mm. - (CELL PHONE RINGS)
(LAUGHTER)
AMERICAN ACCENT: Hello?
My God.
I'll drive! - Sir.
(TENSE MUSIC)
Sir, what are you doing?
I took a bite of a poisoned apple!
If I don't get to a bath, I'll die!
We're outta gas, goddammit!
Where's the nearest bath?! - It's that way, Mr President.
Goddammit!
Come on! (GRUNTS)
Yeah. Come on.
Goddammit. (GRUNTS)
(PANTS)
Whoo!
(GRUNTS)
(LAUGHTER)
OK!
(PANTS)
Ah! Goddammit! Goddammit!
Come on!
(LABOURED BREATHING)
Yes!
The bath!
The bath.
No.
Someone took out the plug!
There's no antidote!
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAM BECOMES CHOKED)
(LAUGHTER)
(SCREAM ENDS)
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
That actually made more sense than a lot of action movies...
- Yeah. - ...to be fair. - PAUL: Wow.
That accent of yours, Chris ―
wow. That was something. - (LAUGHTER)
Never quite knew where it was gonna land.
UNIDENTIFIABLE RHOTIC ACCENT: I like to keep people on edge, you know? - (LAUGHTER)
Josh, you had some problems with your pants staying on at one point.
Also the wig― - I don't believe I noticed anything there. Um...
But it was a real... anal feast, really. (LAUGHS) It was quite...
- Sounds like my kind of movie. - (LAUGHTER)
It was just really butt-heavy. I― (LAUGHS) I'm so sorry.
Justine, great acting from you. Where did you get your inspiration for your accent?
- Did I have an accent? - CHRIS, LAUGHING: No.
- No. - Oh. - (LAUGHTER)
So, I call that accent... Christchurch.
- Kura, were you happy with Paul's role as Samuel L. Jackson? - (LAUGHS)
Uh, yeah. I don't actually remember calling him that.
I should've given you a bit more lines, maybe.
- I think it's― it's better I don't do his voice. Yeah. - No, I think it's― Yeah.
- (LAUGHTER) - I think that was fine.
Paul, at one stage, you were running away and attacking yourself at the same time.
It was meant to be kind of like a platoon thing ― me sort of running through
and explosions and... - Mm. Mm. - Yeah.
Well, somebody else threw the egg, and it did hit me in the penis.
(LAUGHTER)
So that was― that was not acting. That really hurt.
- It didn't break, though. - It didn't break.
- Soft landing. - Gave the egg―
Gave the egg a hell of a shock, I tell you what. - (LAUGHS)
Very hard to judge, to be honest, cos I think everybody was amazing.
So if I'm going on accents, Justine, you're gonna get one point.
- What?! - AUDIENCE: Aww!
Kura, I'm gonna give you two because I thought Paul was very, very disappointing.
Three for you, Paul.
You took an egg to the nuts, which is impressive,
so that is why you get three. - Oh, like we don't do that once a month.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- She's right. - (CHEERING)
Josh, I would've given you more points, other than―
that tongue action at the end was a little bit freaky... - Mm.
...so you get four,
and Chris gets five for that remarkable international accent.
- UNIDENTIFIABLE ACCENT: Thank you. - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Here's some ads, which are like little teaser trailers for food and products.
We'll see you in a moment. - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(MISCHIEVOUS THEME MUSIC)
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Welcome back.
New Zealand pole vaulting champion Eliza McCartney
is officially up for grabs as a prize tonight,
so let's see if these comedians can jump one more hurdle.
But first, Paul, update everyone on the scores, please.
In first place, with 20 points, it's Chris Parker.
- Whoo! - Who is going to win
the nation's only medalling pole vaultist?
There's only one way to find out ― a live task.
Please take to the stage, everybody. - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Well, well, well. This one reeks of corporal punishment,
which I, for one, get quite excited about. - (LAUGHTER)
Paul, who's gonna lead the task? - Chris, please open your desk.
- Ooh! - Oooh.
No, kidding.
Sir! Sir!
He did the fingers to me, sir! - No, I didn't. No, I didn't! Don't be a snitch!
- Oh, fuck you. - (LAUGHTER)
'Win the great debate.
'Each round, you will be given a moot that your team must argue either for or against.
'Your argument must consist of exactly six lines.
'Your team must alternate lines.
'Every second line must rhyme.
'Best rhyming argument wins.
'Your time starts on Paul's whistle.'
So, the first round ― 'Bees are good.'
Paul and Chris will be taking the affirmative; Kura, Justine and Josh will be taking the negative.
Up first, the affirmative. (BLOWS WHISTLE)
Bees are good.
They like to fly.
Bees are great.
They stung this guy.
Bees are swell. They're really fuzzy.
Bees make this thing called honey. I think that's kinda buzzy.
Bees are awesome!
They make a cool sound.
Bees...
(LAUGHTER)
...exist in all sorts of places;
around the world they can be found. - (APPLAUSE)
And now the rebuttal.
Bees are awful.
They can sting your face.
Bees are terrible because they do not know their place.
Bees are bad.
Oh, I hate them so.
Bees are gross.
Their hive doth grow!
Bees are bad. One once stung my foot.
Bees are so bad...
I feel like crushing them into soot.
(APPLAUSE)
Very valid points from both teams. I think everyone will agree
the negative won that round. - (CHEERING)
KURA: Whooo! (THUMPS DESK)
Our second round ― 'Spoons are the best utensil.'
Spoons...
are the best utensil.
They can be used for so much.
Spoons...
are used for food or scraping...
the sweat from my 'crutch'.
(LAUGHTER)
Spoons are the best utensil,
ideal for slurping tea.
Spoons are the best utensil
because...
I like to be little spoon, me. - (LAUGHTER)
Spoons are the best utensil.
My flatmate burns them on the stove.
Spoons are the best utensil.
I like to keep them...
in my grove. - (APPLAUSE)
- Is it 'grove'? I dunno. - Yeah, 'grove' is a thing.
- And the negative. - I love forks.
Give me knives.
But spoons ― get in the bin.
Get in the bin, spoons!
I'd rather use
a spatula 'agin'.
(LAUGHTER)
Spoons are pretty crap. You can do much more with a knife.
Exactly!
(LAUGHTER)
Spoons...
don't give me any life.
Have you ever used one of those weird pasta things
with the springy bits on the side?
If you haven't used one of those, I'm afraid I think you've lied.
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Sorry, Jussie.
I'm going with the affirmative on that one.
It's 1-1. It all comes down to the final round.
'Dancing should be illegal.'
Dancing should be illegal. It can look like you're having a fit.
Dancing should be illegal.
When dads do it, it looks like shit. - (LAUGHTER)
Dancing should be illegal. Just go for a run and listen to some tunes.
Dancing should be illegal ―
again, when dads do it,
they look like buffoons. - (LAUGHTER)
Dancing should be illegal because I hate seeing people have fun.
Dancing should be illegal because it just looks like you're going on a terrible run.
- (APPLAUSE) - Well done, mate. Tough one.
And now the negative.
Dancing should be celebrated. It's a chance to kick up your feet.
Dancing...
should be everywhere, all over the world...
- (SNIGGERS) - ...and you should shout it out...
through the street.
Dancing should be everywhere!
I want to move
like the ocean.
(LAUGHTER)
If I dance too hard and chafe my thighs, I need some lotion.
I love to dance.
It makes me feel so free.
Sometimes I dance so hard
out comes a little pee! - (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Jeremy, it all comes down to this.
- The negative have taken it out with that. Very well done. - (CHEERING)
Yeah, well done. Well done.
Brilliant debating, everyone. Come on back down to the stage.
- (APPLAUSE, CHEERING) - (GRUNTS)
So, Paul,
who took that one out, then?
Well, the team of three ― Josh, Justine and Kura.
But how do you want to score it?
- Uh, Josh, Justine and Kura should get three points. - OK.
- And I think Paul and Chris should get two points. - Sounds good.
- Seems fair. - OK.
OK, Paul. So who's leading the season with three eps to go?
It is very close. This is, I think, overall, the closest season we've had.
Paul and Kura both on 106,
Justine on 107,
Chris on 108,
and then Josh out on 117.
- Well, well, well. - (APPLAUSE)
But importantly, tonight, there can only be one winner,
who is having a hotdog for dinner
with Eliza McCartney. - (TITTERING)
He's gone back to back ― with 22 points,
it's Chris Parker! - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Congratulations, Chris. Enjoy your sticks
and please look after Eliza.
There's another Olympics coming up soon, so...
Go and enjoy the spoils. - Yay!
- Be respectful. - Well, that ends this episode.
Well, we saw the tragic return of David Correos,
and Paul Williams was finally paid for his efforts on the show
by everyone except Paul Ego. - (LAUGHTER)
- The biggest winner of tonight was, of course, our winner, Chris Parker! - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Thank you so much for joining us tonight. Po marie ― goodnight!
Oh, it's Eliza!
('TASKMASTER' THEME)
Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.
www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2022
We're watching our comedians make their very own best friend.
Oh my God!
Oh, you stupid idiot.
I would not want to be any of your friends.
JOSH: We've all got our faults. I have problems with portion control;
Tony's a big Third Reich guy. - (LAUGHTER)
Tony, you're incorrigible!