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-[tense music playing] -[eagle screeches]
[upbeat music playing]
[phone chimes]
[whispering] Fuck.
[phone chiming]
-Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. -[phone chimes]
[clears throat]
[phone chiming]
[loudly exhales]
[phone chiming]
[upbeat music playing]
[camera shutter clicks]
[camera shutter clicking]
[grunts in disgust] Quaint.
[Isabella] So, I'm getting my suitcase again?
Did you miss me?
Well, distance makes me fonder of you.
[Isabella] Now I had to also push
both suitcases at the airport.
Thanks.
-Hi. -[Ren] Hi.
All right.
[Wendy whoops]
[Wendy] Anybody order two chicken cutlets
and a side of skank sauce?
[laughs]
Ooh. [laughs]
Ooh, and here comes the big finish.
Here we go. Ooh, drop it real low. [laughs]
[Ren] Wendy, I love your romper.
What? You like this? This old thing?
You like it?
Thanks, Jerome. Keep it creepy.
-[Ren] Do I wanna know? -Eh, it's better if you don't.
-I missed you my prickly pear. -Folks, all right.
Real quick before Xan gets here. Show off that rock.
Oh, I need sunglasses just to see it.
Ice for days.
I haven't told Xan I got engaged yet,
-so do I take it off? -Just stick to the plan.
One more weekend of not knowing won't hurt her.
Especially since Tony is Diego's best man.
Oh, that's gonna cut her up real bad.
Standing up in the same wedding as her ex-husband.
Especially after you met Diego at her wedding.
Not helping.
What isn't helping is Xan's passive attitude.
I'm sure even if you told her she wouldn't react,
she would just roll over like she always does.
Be nice.
None of us know what it's like to get divorced.
Yet.
Come on, I was just playing the odds.
Well, I can't do it at her divorce party.
I don't wanna rub it in. This is a no drama weekend.
-Two and a half karats. -You know your diamonds.
I'm making Stephanie upgrade me for our next anniversary.
Does she know that?
I keep leaving my iPad open on ring websites.
-I'm not subtle. -Is this real wool?
[Ren] Guys.
[grunting] What's this-- Oh, this way again.
Oh, God.
Ladies, I have arrived. [chuckles]
I'm here!
[cheering]
Okay.
[Isabella] All right, we're all here, so that's good.
I have something for everyone.
Yes. One of these.
This. That's right. I made plans. We love it.
All right, let's go.
[Sam] Look at mine.
You know, this weekend is gonna be all about fun,
and it's all gonna be about you, Xan.
I got so excited I jazzed up the itinerary.
Is this calligraphy?
All I wanna do is relax, have fun,
and try to feel normal again.
Is there time on my itinerary for that?
Saturday afternoon there's some free time.
You can feel normal then.
Thank you both for planning this.
I know if it was up to Ren
-and Wendy... -Awful planners.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Awful planning or, you know,
just professional responsibility avoider.
-Oh, no. They're right. -Disorganized.
Okay, now that the cavalry is here,
I suggest we find our deluxe glamping RV.
201.
-I found it. -[sad trombone plays]
[Wendy] [laughs] We got played.
But how is that a relaxing, tranquil oasis
that sleeps up to six?
Ladies, ladies, don't be such divas.
Come on.
Advertisement people always embellish things.
They say it makes your skin smoother
or it's ribbed for her pleasure.
That looks like a place where I can get murdered.
-I cannot sleep here. -Oh, you are a woman in America.
You are much more likely to get murdered at home
-than on vacation. -Oh, yikes.
-Time to start drinking. -Man.
-[Isabella] Okay, Wendy. Wendy. -What?
Ren can't drink so we can't drink?
Guys, guys, it's fine, okay?
Whoever wants to drink can drink.
Plus I brought my own refreshments.
-That's a relief. -Oh, good.
Thank God and Mary.
I'm good. And me.
I'm also not gonna drink
-'cause you're not drinking. -Isabella, it's fine.
[Wendy] [indistinct]
[laughing]
Okay, 'cause I did bring a small bottle,
just a small bottle of wine, um, just in case.
-[Ren] Oh, did you? -This little tiny thing.
-Classy broad. -Xan needs this. Look at her.
Seriously. Her life has fallen into pieces.
She's a far cry from the strong, independent
and inspirational woman she once was.
[Xan] Thank you, Sam.
Last week I cried over yogurt flavors.
Cinnamon lime fucks me up.
Why would they do that? Who is eating that?
-Masochists. -Hear! Hear! Mm.
Who's Samantha gonna yell at about that camper?
Why am I always the one who has to do the yelling?
Because you're a hot lawyer that loves to trip people up
on their words.
-She is the worst to fight with. -Fine, I'll go.
But when I get back, we get straight to the fun.
Yes, uh, we have a schedule to keep people.
You know...
I did have a question about that.
What exactly is a resurrection ceremony?
Oh, that's from my therapist.
She wants me to help Xan let go of her negative thoughts
and chant a positivity mantra
and then release a feather free into the wind.
-I've done that. -That sounds legit.
Oh, let's make a big fire night
to cleanse myself of Tony
and the black cloud that's plagued my life.
I didn't plan for a fire,
so I don't have any fire retardant--
No, no, no, no, no. After this weekend,
I hope I'm like my old self again.
No more mopey sad Xan.
This is a new chapter.
It's time to get back to normal
with the people that know me best.
Um, Integratron Sound Bath?
I don't remember agreeing to that.
Sorry, did you not see the explosion of emails
in your inbox from these two?
There was, uh, the morning reminders,
and let's not forget the afternoon recap.
I don't remember seeing any emails about this trip.
Wendy, I really only know when you're joking
about half of the time.
So, seriously, if you haven't read the emails
that Isabella and I wrote about all of the fun things
we have planned for this weekend,
I will kill you and leave your dead body to rot
in the desert.
I have definitely read the emails. [laughs]
[whispering] I didn't read the emails.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! That is mine.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Dateline suspect.
-What you got in there? -It's a travel bag of dildos.
[laughs] I was gonna say it is a bag of dildo.
Maybe it's Tony's head on a spike.
-Are we allowed to say his name? -Yes, I'm fine.
I'm more than happy to veto his name from the vocabulary
-for this trip if you want that. -No, no, it's okay.
I've had ten months to analyze
every possible scenario in my head
to save our marriage and... [laughs]
...what is wrong with me?
-He's stupid. -[Wendy] He's an asshole.
-Fuck that guy. -I do have one question though.
Have you considered seeing a therapist that's,
I don't know, not the one you look at in the mirror?
They are not gonna tell me
anything I don't already tell my patients in therapy.
I-- I know you're concerned about me
because of your own issues and--
-and your commitment issues. -Commitment issues?
Shit and get married or get off the toilet already.
I'll shit when I'm ready to shit.
[Ren] Yeah.
Honestly, I am fine.
Trust me, I'll be the first person to admit it
if I... [laughs]
I need help. [laughs]
[Sam] Right. I'm going.
You all severely underpay me for my services.
-Thank you. -Thanks a lot. We love you.
-[both] We appreciate you. -Love you.
Oh, God.
What is a little lady like you doing
in a desert like this?
Hi, uh, sir.
Uh, we are staying in camper 201 for the weekend.
201? Hot damn!
That's real close to me and my lady.
Great.
Oh! Greetings, desert sister.
I look forward to sleeping side by side
as the stars tuck us in for the night.
-[Amara laughs] -Oh, Lord.
Hi, uh, so the camper wasn't exactly
-what was promised. -It's better, right?
No, it's actually much worse. And I want an upgrade.
It sleeps six.
-It's disgusting. -The camper's a [indistinct].
-And shabby. -Shabby can be chic.
I will trash you on the interweb.
[groans] I'll credit your account back tomorrow.
Great, I'm so glad we have this little chat.
Ooh, damn!
You may have won this round,
but I'll be seeing you tonight.
201, right?
We can exchange our energies. Be well, [indistinct] sister.
Shit!
Amara, I just gave away another weekend stay.
I ain't never gonna get my glutes at this point.
-Oh, it's okay. -All right.
-It's all right, baby. -[Amara] [indistinct].
[Ezekiel] Okay.
I made a fire.
I would like to make a toast.
I love all you girls, and I love camping with Ren
because she does most of the heavy lifting.
You're welcome.
I brought these
to kick off the weekend.
Sans Ren.
Well, it's fine because someone brought me this sauce.
-Cinnamon lime. What the shit? -[laughs]
No one in their thirties should drink UV.
I don't have the bread base for UV.
[shushing] It's mother's milk.
-Cheers. -[gagging]
[gagging]
Still gross.
Oh, it tastes so bad now that I know
-how good alcohol tastes. -[Wendy] Woo!
-You love it. -Cheers to us and Xan's divorce.
Listen up ladies, it is story time.
-I love story time. -Me too.
I've known Isabella three decades.
-Best 30 years of your life. -Facts.
And the rest of you ding-dongs
since our centennial dorm days in college.
-[Wendy] Go, go, Birds! -Learn from my mistakes.
What they don't tell you about getting divorced
is that it monetizes your love.
[laughs]
Uh, thank you Sam for doing what you could from--
-from Chicago as my lawyer. -I got you, girl.
Tony and I were together
for ten years.
Married for almost two.
In that time, I saved
well over 100,000 dollars.
-[laughs] This bitch is rich. -You can't even iron.
How do you have 100,000 dollars?
-My shirts don't fold right. -I make that in five months.
-Should I be saving more? -Yes.
And here I thought breeding corgis
for two grand a pop was a racket.
[Ren] It is a racket because they are not real dogs.
They're just elongated hamsters.
You're just jealous because I sold a corgi
-to Bob Downey. -I'm sorry, Robert Downey Jr.?
That's not what his friends call him.
Okay, guys. Yeah. Let's focus on Xan.
Thank you.
Tony, after sleeping with his CrossFit instructor
that fit bitch Jenny...
Tony decides
that although I have supported him
for a decade
as he tried to be
a visual installation artist...
-Not a job. -No. No, it's not.
...that he deserves ha--
half of my savings for emotional distress.
-What a fucking dick! -I hate him.
-Douche twat. -[indistinct].
By Sunday at midnight,
half of everything I own will be audited
and eventually will be his.
So...
-Whoa, oh, oh, Bernie Madoff. -You brought that here?
-Strip club time. -Xan, it's okay.
Uh, let's talk about what you're feeling
that caused you to bring a bag of cash
across the country on a plane.
He's taken so much from me.
I don't wanna give him anything else.
I just wanna get back to normal,
even if it means starting from nothing.
So...
-[all] Oh, no! -Xan, that is money!
-That's human money. -[fast-paced music playing]
Oh, stop, stop, stop.
-Oh! Get back! -Whoa!
What was in here? It smells like lighter fluid.
I may be drinking grain alcohol
and pretending it's a wine cooler.
Oh, my God! We need water!
No, I wanna do this! This is my choice.
I'd rather burn it all
-than give him another dime. -Give me that.
Everything will be okay
-if I just burn this money. -No, no.
As your friend and your professional lawyer,
I would like to say that you--
Oh, no one gives a shit that you're a lawyer, Sam.
Or that you went to Yale.
-Yale Law. -[Ren] Oh, Jesus!
Wendy, would you please get off your ass
-and help me with the fire. -No can do.
-I've been over served. -You served yourself!
-Yes, I did. -Go! Let it go!
[Xan groaning]
[screams] My hair!
You packed multiple hairs.
It's fine. Okay.
Now, we are going to talk out
Xan's ridiculous plan to burn a hundred grand.
Probably 90 now.
We're all going to talk this out
like the lifelong friends that we are or--
Or what? You'll shoot?
Eh?
Okay, I'm not gonna do that. That's fine.
I'm not gonna do that. But we will all sit down.
Sit down. Sit down. Okay.
Who wants to go first?
Well, I think that you should just give it to charity.
And by charity I mean me.
Or you could be practical
and put it into a long-term mutual fund.
Set your future--
Make it rain, strippers, and blow.
I have a J Tree guy who could be here in an hour.
Okay, as your best friend,
I wanna validate your thought process
for wanting to destroy what confines you
to your old life.
But as an objective third party, this isn't healthy.
He's taken everything from me.
We had a plan.
We-- we were gonna have kids.
Uh, a town home in Connecticut.
I-- I just wanna get back to normal.
I just want my old life back.
I know, but honey, that lifestyle's so sad.
And seriously lacking diversity.
We want to support you
in any healthy way we can.
And-- and here, I will look after the money
while we figure it out.
Well, if you're gonna give the money to Wendy,
-you might as well just burn it. -Look, I will help you.
[overlapping chatter]
Stop! All of you stop.
I didn't wanna do this alone.
You're not alone, honey. We love you.
-[Isabella] So much. -Yeah.
We all want what's best for you
in very different ways.
That's it. That's it.
I want each of you to pick something to do with the money.
We gotta spend it all. Fast.
No, that makes absolutely no sense.
Wouldn't you rather have half of something
as opposed to all of nothing?
Sammy, please.
Uh, uh.
-Fine. -[Wendy] Yes! Okay.
There is a wine I have been dying to try, okay?
It is only $22,000.
It is lined with gold flakes
and it was found at the bottom of a pirate ship.
There's only 18 in the world
and there are like, four of them right here in Palm Springs.
It is our destiny.
It's like listening to Fergie sing
-the national anthem. -Oh, thank you.
Let's put a pin in that old pirate wine for now,
but-- but I like where your head's at, Wendy.
I wanna share this with my favorite people.
Are you sure?
Oh, I'm sure.
[exotic drum music plays]
[Amara] It smells like the desert is burning.
And you interrupted our tantric jam sesh.
Are you guys seeing them too
or did I just inhale too much smoke?
Greetings, fellow inhabitants of the desert.
I am Amara. And this is Ezekiel.
We're your neighbors.
These are the two fine specimens who rented us the camper.
You better not be setting off no fireworks.
No, no.
We know the park regulations and we were not.
Okay, but be warned...
we're watching you.
Great. Beat it, Ezekiel.
-May the night spirit bless... -Oh!
-Just full bush. -...your slumber.
And, uh, blessed be
your fruit.
What is this?
Crystal [indistinct]
[indistinct]. What is this?
Um, that is not--
Oh, that's mi-- that's mine.
Because I am a drag queen,
and I only get paid in cash tips, so...
Your tuck is flawless.
Thank you so much. That's so sweet.
-She loves tips. -You're all hiding something.
Now we're doubly watching you.
And we're watching you.
Beat it!
-A drag queen? -Wha-- I panicked.
-Who else makes this kinda cash? -Oh, I don't know.
Servers, strippers, bartenders, teachers.
-You tip teachers? -Well, someone's gotta do it.
They're shaping the future of America.
Yeah, I am gonna hide this somewhere safe.
Where are you going?
Wait, wait, wait. Xan, Xan, Xan, Xan.
About the hundred grand.
-We can spend it on anything? -Anything.
Except for any big purchases in my name.
So, boats, cars, houses,
or else Tony is entitled to half.
We've got 48 hours to blow this, people.
It's gonna be really hard to do in Joshua Tree.
Okay, well, I have my ways, okay?
We're just gonna have to cancel everything on the itinerary.
-The sound bath. -And our schedule.
-That's a good point. -Thank you.
No, not about the schedule.
Here's $5,000.
You and Sam go stock up on food and booze and whatever.
Do not come back until you've spent every cent.
-[laughs] -Come on, come on, come on.
I'd like a Hot Pocket.
Look, I have not seen a single designer store
since I have been here.
You have chosen the worst location
-for your insanity. -Mm.
I'm sure you will find something.
Bye-bye.
[sighs]
[Wendy] Oh, Dippin' Dots.
What are we gonna do?
Oh, I wanna clear 'em out of boxed wine.
It keeps really well. [chuckles] There it is.
And I'm just gonna take that, and that
and these babies.
No, I mean about Xan.
She's obviously having
-a psychotic break. -Is she?
I mean, who are we to judge how she spends her money?
Um, her friends.
She's always been such a pushover.
It's like she would rather bail
-than fight for herself. -Oh, that is so true.
You remember that time I ruined her sweater junior year
with that big mustard blob and she kept being like,
"Oh, it's cool, it's cool,"
even though she was totally sad about it?
-Hmm. -Yeah.
This is exactly like your mustard blob story.
Look, between you and me,
I could have taken Tony to the cleaners
and bankrupt him like that, but she was all like,
"No, just take whatever his lawyers offered."
-That is so sad. -Yeah.
She needs to be thinking about her future.
She could use the money for a down payment on a house
or to start over or to do something.
Just because she's not doing what you would do with the money
doesn't mean she's wrong.
Um, yes it does.
God, there's no way we're gonna be able
to spend $5,000 in this place.
This isn't even 500.
Not with that attitude.
-[wood knocking] -Hello, kind eyes.
What's the most expensive thing you sell here?
This fellow right here
-is named Nedward... -[eagle screeches]
...and I carved him myself with a chainsaw.
-He goes for $600. -[Wendy] Cute.
We'll take him.
-Oh, my God. -[laughs]
-[gasps] -Bam!
Did you spend
-all of the money? -Begrudgingly.
Xan, I need to talk to you in private.
Uh, I would very much like to pass on that, Sam.
-Not an option. Not an option. -No, I don't want to.
Oh, wait, wait, wait. You want a bolo tie?
-[Xan] Yes. -[Sam] No, not now.
-[Xan] God. Okay. Okay. -There you go.
Oh, oh, are we putting this on?
-Oh. -Oh, okay.
And that's not all.
Ren, we did something extra special
-for you. -What? Hot Pockets?
-[eagle screeches] -Ta-da!
I think that you're very confused, Wendy,
-because I hate this. -Oh, no, no, no. No.
This is Nedward. Okay?
And Nedward is sober too.
I don't like Nedward.
Ren, Nedward is homeless.
I know you'll give him a good home.
Wendy, you smell like a distillery.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna let you guys get to know each other.
[Isabella] Help.
Oh, is-- Okay.
That looks good.
Help.
[western music plays]
-Sam. -Xan.
I meant to tell you,
your energy is effervescent,
yet more relaxed.
-Oh, my God. Did Ricardo arrive? -Ah, ah, ah!
Don't distract me with questions about Steph's strap-on
in that weird therapist-ey friend way.
You okay?
-Really? -Yes.
I promise you, I know what I'm doing.
-I am so solid. -Okay.
I don't want him to drag you down.
I also don't want any hims
real or created to drag you down.
Is Steph happier now?
She felt having some balls would really give her
some phantom dick power.
Sadly, they sent us a version with pubes.
Wow. So lifelike.
-Too lifelike. -Hmm.
Steph imagines herself to have a clean shaven scrotum,
so now we wait again.
Seriously. You okay?
-Really? -Yes.
I just wanna enjoy this weekend.
It's my divorce party, so let's party.
Okay. I don't wanna smother you.
I trust you.
Great.
I am gonna grab a bolo.
["Take You There" by Push Pop playing]
♪ 'Cause I don't wanna be alone ♪
♪ Can I take you there, yeah ♪
♪ 'Cause I don't wanna be alone ♪
♪ Can I take you there, yeah ♪
♪ 'Cause I don't wanna be alone ♪
♪ Can I take you there, yeah ♪
♪ 'Cause I don't wanna be alone ♪
♪ [indistinct lyrics] be alone ♪
[birds chirping]
-[air horn blowing] -Oh, my God!
-Oh! -Oh, my God!
-Wendy, what the hell? -Jesus Christ!
Where did you even get an air horn?
I always have my party horn. Let's go girls.
We have a 9:00 a.m.. appointmen. We gotta boogie.
Oh, wait, I have a little something
-for everyone. -Oh, my God.
You shouldn't have.
No, actually, you--
you really actually shouldn't have.
Are you trying to say that you wanna get double penetrated?
Because I think that that's a little advanced
-for this group. -No, no.
It's my DP, my divorce party.
[laughs] Get it?
[Wendy] You know, I can't not see
-double penetration. -What's double penetration?
I'll tell you later.
-Well, I think it's cute. -[Xan] Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Okay. Look.
-Huh? -You know what?
I-- I think it looks great on you and--
and only you, if possible.
You all know how I feel about muumuus.
["My Private Line" by Craig Gildner playing]
♪ Ring on, ring on my private line ♪
♪ Ring on, ring on, my private line ♪
♪ Here's my number, don't be late ♪
♪ Call me right away ♪
♪ You can call me on my private line ♪
♪ Anywhere, any day, anytime ♪
♪ No interruptions, you get right through ♪
♪ And I can tell you truly how I feel for you ♪
♪ Just said the numbers, remember each one ♪
♪ Write them down and when the day is done ♪
♪ We share our little secrets and the big ones too ♪
♪ Between just me and you ♪
♪ Call me right away ♪
["Ding Dong!" by Katya Zamolodchikova playing]
♪ [lyrics in Russian] ♪
[Sam] Uh, where are we?
Wendy, this is the most ignorant, illogical,
and insane thing to do with a bunch of money.
[laughs] I know. It's gonna be so fun.
Raise your hand if you think we should get
a comically large boatful of cocktail weenies.
-No! No! -Yeah!
I [indistinct] some cocktail weenies.
-They make me feel like a giant. -Sold.
Sam, come on, we're going to the bar. [whoops]
When are you gonna tell her about the wedding?
-Soon. -Do it when she's buzzed.
-Ease the tension. -Oh, yeah. That's a great idea.
Because we all know what they say about the calming
and rationalizing effects of alcohol on mind.
-She's not you. -Stop! Stop! I have a plan.
I'm gonna tell her tomorrow after my resurrection ceremony.
I want her to be clear-headed for it.
Oh, yeah, let's clear her mind and then crush her heart.
No, there should be no crushing.
[Wendy whoops]
[Wendy chuckles]
-[Sam] Oh, my God. -Eat up sharks.
We're not leaving till we've done five shots each
and a seltzer
with a splash of cran and lime for Ren.
-I got you. -Jesus! It's 10:00 a.m..
Wha-- there's a breakfast buffet.
There's French toast. Go build yourself a bread base.
-Money, please. -Yay! I am so excited. [whoops]
All right, we're gonna carpe this diem, ladies.
Xan, you're getting at least four lap dances tonight.
Maybe you'll go home with a stripper.
Iz, you are on drinks duty.
I never wanna see her empty handed.
Ren, make sure we never tip the scales
into Pukesville.
-And Sammy... -What's up?
...try to live a little.
Shady.
[Wendy] Let's do this!
Cheers!
DJ Bangers & Mash, play some EDM.
I wanna dance.
♪ Ding dong ♪
♪ [lyrics in Russian], ding dong ♪
♪ Ding dong ♪
♪ [lyrics in Russian], ding dong ♪
♪ [lyrics in Russian], ding dong ♪♪
♪ [lyrics in Russian], ding dong ♪
You know, I gotta say
as far as strip club buffets go, this one is top-notch.
Have you tried these ribs?
Finger foods? Hard pass.
[ringing]
Now then, now then, now then.
All right, you bears and seals.
Save some room. It's F and G time.
-[woman] F and G time? -Wha--
[cheering]
What is happening? What is happening?
We've got a feeders and gainers special.
-[Sam] What's a feeder? -It's "Kink Friday."
[Wendy] Oh, yes, of course.
-"Kink Friday." [whoops] -What are feeders and gainers?
Ladles and jelly spoons, please welcome to the floor,
Lil Chorizo, Bratwurst,
Hot Diggity Dog,
-and Polish Sausage. -[women cheering]
-[woman] Ooh, spicy. -Hey, mama.
-Do you wanna feed me? -[Wendy] Oh, oh, yes. Yes I do.
-Okay. You want a little dog? -Oh, yeah.
-You want two little dogs? -Oh, yeah.
-You want 'em at the same time? -Ew!
Yes, take those dogs.
So this is like a baby bird,
mama bird thing.
Oh, no, I think that feeders get off
-on feeding people. -Uh-huh.
And gainers get off
-on being fed. -Oh, yeah.
-Like this. -[moaning]
Come on, girls. Let's get our kink on.
Hey, guys, okay, let's just be very cautious
because I have a severe shellfish allergy.
So, please, do not get any shrimp on me.
Um, but if you do, I have a EpiPen in my bag,
but please do not make me use it, okay?
-Please. -I won't.
[Isabella] Okay, come here.
A hot diggity dog, huh?
Oh, wha-- do you want a cheese stick?
Okay. Oh, you can't get it.
-Oh, you can't get it -[Wendy] He's hungry.
-I'm so hungry. -[Wendy imitates chomping]
-Oh, my God. -Mm.
[chuckles] He's so slimy.
[laughing] Oh, very amazing.
Oh, watch the eyes.
[laughs] Ooh. Okay.
Mom, I think I'm a feeder.
Do you want to feed me or be fed?
I'm Bruce.
I-- I-- I-- I don't know the answer to that question.
-Come on. -No.
-Come on. -All right. Okay.
There we go. Open up.
No, no, no.
I-- I need a shot before I can do this.
Xan, get over here.
♪ Nobody sees you, you're gone, you're gone ♪
Oh! Ooh, yeah.
-No. -Come on.
The scales are tipping.
We are about 30 minutes away from Pukesville.
-We need to wrap it up. -Okay. Okay. Okay.
Well, just one more thing. One more thing.
What?
Hey, what-- what is-- what is she doing?
Always scheming something.
Wendy might have life, right? I feel great.
-Oh. Oh, God. -Whoa, there. Okay.
Why don't you tell me how you feel tomorrow morning?
Aw, my sweet little, Ren.
Brutally honest. Apple of my eye.
Cold, blunt, tiny, teeny, little, Ren.
Yes, hello. It's me.
[gasps] You know what would be really fun?
Let's tag Tony in a picture with me and one of the eaters,
and we're gonna caption it, "Suck a dick!"
Oh, wow, that sounds like a bag of regrets.
Look, Ren, it's a joke.
It's fun.
He's gonna see how much fun
that I'm having without him right now,
and that is gonna make him jealous.
Yeah, Xan, can you just-- just give me your phone?
-Yes, make sure I'm in good... -Okay.
-...lighting. -Okay.
You're gonna get this back at the end of the day.
Ren, Ren, give me my phone.
You're gonna thank me tomorrow. I promise.
Don't think that I won't go in there
-and get it. -Try me.
[both grunting]
I'll ruin your beehive!
-Down! -Oh! Oh!
Oh, totally unrelated.
I just realized,
I have to update my LinkedIn right now
for business purposes.
Do you have a little LinkedIn problem?
Do you need to update your MySpace too and your Top Nine?
Get out of here with that trash!
Damn it!
-Should I have one more banana? -Definitely.
-Are you ready? -For what?
["Real Real Deal" by Cherry'z playing]
And I don't even like dick.
[Isabella] Can I have him?
So, uh, which one of you ladies is Alexandra?
She is.
Come with me.
Did you pay that guy to fuck Xan?
What? No.
Maybe. I don't know. It's up to her.
Sit.
-Okay. -How do you want me?
-How do-- -Are you a bad girl?
-Do you want me to punish you? -No.
-Do you wanna punish me? -Not really.
What do you wanna do with me?
Oh, so many things. So many things.
Don't you ever get full?
What would everyone's kink be if you had one?
Oh, we all know Wendy is down for anything.
Okay, there is nothing wrong with being open
to new sexual experiences, yes.
Oh, Sammy, what would yours be?
Oh, I've always wanted to have sex on a boat
-or in my childhood bed. -That's so boring.
I bet you and Stephanie just do it missionary
under the covers
with the lights off once a month.
I don't understand how you could possibly know
so little about lesbian sex
having been my college roommate.
Oh, I know things.
I know you do a little bit of this action.
-That's not it. -And a lot of that.
-I've done that. -It's never that.
A little bit of, ooh, tickly wiggly.
[Sam] It's not that.
Did Ricardo 2.0 arrive?
First of all, Stephanie can get it,
second of all, we ran into a slight issue
with the manufacturer.
We're currently waiting on his replacement.
Oh, did it have pubes?
I heard that was an issue
with the more innovative companies.
They were so curly.
Uh, what do you think Xan is doing?
Should somebody go check on her?
No. Don't worry.
I have a feeling she is in the midst
of wild ecstasy.
[Xan laughs]
Here, uh, this will help make you more relaxed.
-Oh, yeah. -Cheers.
Cheers, Ajax.
Mm. Mm-hmm.
[slurping]
♪ 'Cause the party don't stop ♪
♪ So put your hands on me ♪
-Wendy. -Yeah.
Wendy, I have to tell you something,
-and I can only tell it to you. -[Wendy chuckles]
This is pretty great.
You know the secret
-to having fun? -No.
The company
and dicks in your face.
Strippers attack!
[screaming]
[Isabella] Get it off! [grunts]
Get it off! [screaming]
-[indistinct]. -We need milk!
I think they have RumChata.
-[Isabella panting] -There is no time!
-The EpiPen! -Oh, okay.
-[Ren] Come on! -[all screaming]
Oh! I can't do it.
Oh, give it to me!
[screaming]
[gasping]
[Ren] Yeah! Yeah!
I'm a hero! I saved a life today.
-[indistinct]! -Oh, my God.
♪
-Girls! -[all exclaim]
[Xan vocalizing]
[quietly] Did you bone Ajax?
-Why is your voice like that? -I'm fine.
[laughs] A lady never tells.
Right, but you're not a lady so spill.
For your information, we did not fuck.
But you did other stuff?
Mm-hmm.
[sobbing]
-It's gonna be okay. -[sniffling]
How do you know?
I-- I guess I-- I don't.
He was the love of my life, Ajax.
How could he do that to me?
Well, in my opinion,
him cheating was probably more about his own insecurities
-than about you. -Yeah.
You're probably right.
-Did you try everything? -What?
-Like counseling. -No, no, no, no.
But I'm a therapist, so it's fine.
How often were you having sex?
You don't know me.
I don't, but if you were the love of my life,
I'd wanna fuck you every chance I can get.
Aw, that's so sweet.
[sniffling]
Now, you're gonna hop on this dick or what?
-Not tonight. -So, you didn't get fucked?
Nope. I turned him down.
I spent $2,000 for you to like,
sit on his face or do whatever you wanted.
And-- and you-- you cried and you kissed him?
Wait, let me tell the story again.
It was like a female empowerment thing.
You shit the bed.
You guys wanted me to sleep with a stranger.
-I mean, only if you wanted to. -Yeah.
Sorry to disappoint.
Eh, it's okay.
At the end of the day, we felt up a lot of men,
we fed a lot of men,
you got your confidence back,
and I blew through nearly $20,000.
[Ren] Okay. Time to go!
-Come on. -[Sam] All right.
Oh! Oh, my God.
-Are we on the sun? -My eyes.
It's like the brightness settings
-on Samantha's iPad. -All right.
-Who's next? -Me! Me!
And-- and I think you're all really gonna love
what I prepared.
Okay, ladies, how's everybody feeling
on a level from zero to cirrhosis?
Anybody need a coconut water?
Advil? Tampon?
Ren, please, stop shouting.
I just keep burping up weenies.
Mm. Weenie burps. My fave.
Why did we go to the strip club first?
Oh, come on.
Seeing morning strippers is the best.
They work harder for those dollars.
Here, if you take four bennies,
your allergic reaction will be gone by the morning.
Won't these just knock me
-the fuck out? -Yes.
Wendy, you have to stop drugging people.
Ladies, listen.
-Let's talk about the future. -Ooh, like, palm readers?
Don't be insane. I'm talking 401Ks.
I'm talking mutual funds.
I'm talking about having your money
make you money.
Whoa, whoa, whoa there, Jackie Brown.
[laughs]
I'd like to have a little parlay with you for a moment here.
What's up?
Do you think,
considering Isabella's fragile,
weakened, almost barely alive state
after my heroic
and valiant rescue,
and Xan...
well, Xan looks like she's holding on
by a thread here and, uh,
about to puke up all that shrimp that she ate.
And Wendy, well, actually Wendy looks fine.
Yeah.
But I was thinking maybe not the best time
for a whole money business conversation.
No, it's the perfect time.
There's a lesson in this.
-It's gonna be good. -Carry on.
Promise.
Girls...
there is no better time than the present
to be saving.
You must always be saving.
A, always, B, be,
S, saving.
-Anybody want a dirty? -Yes, I'll have one.
Okay, how much did you put
towards savings from each paycheck?
-$20. -No, 15%.
Do you wanna be 90 and still working?
-Hope I'm dead. -[Sam] Okay.
Does everybody have a Roth IRA?
-I don't know what that is. -I boned a guy named Ira once.
Oh, was that the guy with the glass eye?
No, his last name was Glass.
-It was Ira Glass. -Wow.
Okay.
I got my work cut out for me.
["Let's Make Lots of Money" by Sounds of Red Bull playing]
♪ Let's make lots of money ♪
♪ Don't you want lots of money? ♪
♪ Let's make lots of money ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Mm ♪
♪ 'Cause money isn't everything ♪
♪ Money isn't everything ♪
♪ Money isn't everything, mm ♪
♪ But it makes [indistinct lyrics] ♪
Okay. Any questions?
What does this have to do with Xan?
-[Wendy snoring] -Me?
Oh, I don't care.
You're really in your element, Sammy.
I've been enjoying watching you speak.
How have you not retained anything I've just said?
With my 20 grand,
I want you to put it into a retirement fund.
Tony won't be able to touch it, 'cause it'll be in your name.
Oh, good. Yes.
I'll definitely need help with that.
This was the help.
Oh.
Could you send all of this
-in an email? -No.
-[snoring] -Yes.
[gasps] What? Oh, God.
I just had the worst dream and I saw--
Samantha was giving this boring long-winded presentation...
-[Ren coughs] -...that was so good!
You're so pretty.
Whatever.
[voice breaking] Anybody else drinking?
You are all gonna die.
Just out of curiosity,
am I listed on any of your life insurance policies?
I'm sleepy, so I'm just gonna go
shut my eyeballs over in the-- in the camper.
Let's go start on Manhattans.
-Yes. Yes, please. -Definitely.
Help. Thank you.
Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
[Xan] Let's do.
[pensive music playing]
Let's clean up, guys.
-[bottles clanking] -[Wendy] Right.
Help me.
Fuck.
[upbeat music playing]
[moans]
[groans]
Okay, Xan, you are lucky that I have
a soft spot for wounded animals.
You can have your phone back like I promised.
Xan?
-Isabella. -Mm.
-Where's Xan? -I don't know.
Too many bennies.
-Wendy? Sam? -[Sam] Yeah.
Where is Xan?
[groans] That's not the track you laid last night,
Mr. Conductor. Ooh.
Choo-choo.
I don't even wanna know.
Wendy.
-Wendy! -Huh?
Where is Xan?
The last thing I remember we were drinking,
uh, Malibu Loose. [groans]
And then Ezekiel and Amara--
[all gasp]
Ezekiel and Amara, what?
-[Isabella] We gotta go. -[Wendy] Oh, no!
Are you gonna finish your thought?
Hello?
Wait for me!
[psychedelic music plays]
[pounding on door]
[Sam] Ezekiel, I know you're in there!
Open up!
[Ezekiel and Amara softly groaning]
[pounding continues]
-[Samantha] Open up! -Hello, Eskimo sister.
Oh.
Shall we try to pick up where we left off?
Oh, okay. Did we, um--
-Oh, sadly, no. -No, okay.
You wanted to come dance in the camper
with the dream catchers.
The sleep took you before we could.
We still enjoyed ourselves
next to your sleeping body, though.
It was like you were a part of it.
Okay. [blows raspberry] No, no, no.
-I'm out. I'm out. -Where are you going?
No, no, no. Oh, she's leaving us.
-What the fuck! -Nothing. I gotta shower.
[Ezekiel humming]
Whoa, whoa, whoa there, lady of the night.
Listen, no shade. I don't want to yuck your yum.
I realize that I'm usually the one
that has a [indistinct] for men who think
that bathing is optional.
But I just have to ask you,
did you have a throuple with the woo-woo twins?
What? No. I just passed out.
-Oh, my God. My head. -Don't lie to me.
Come on. You did a little hand stuff.
[blows] Little, like... [exhales]
What? No.
Everyone, I'm fine. Really.
I just drank too much.
I just need a shower
and I'll be ready for your thing.
This is no big deal.
-So really no hand stuff? -[Xan] Nope.
Yeah, she's not okay.
-Not at all. -She'll be okay.
It's very messy.
I really hope it doesn't ruin my thing.
[upbeat music playing]
Yes. There it is.
-What? -The Joshua tree.
Oh, we should pose like you two and do an emo album cover.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Shortest to tallest.
-[Wendy] Yeah. -[Xan groans]
-[camera shutter clicks] -What are you talking about?
Hello?
The Joshua Tree?
I can't believe we found it right away.
-Ren, get in here. Come on. -[Wendy] Mm-hmm.
I hate to break this to you guys,
but there is not just one tree.
There are thousands of Joshua trees,
hence the park name.
Joshua Tree National Park.
-You're just gonna correct me? -What?
You're gonna correct my grammar all day?
-It's not grammar. -Just--
[glorious melody plays]
[all] Oh!
[camera shutter clicks]
[upbeat music plays]
-She's so saucy. -She really is.
[indistinct]
-It does. -Did anybody bring water?
I gotta pee...
or drop a deuce.
♪
[Ren] Come on.
[Xan] What does hiking have to do
with spending my life savings?
-[Ren] You'll see. -[Xan groans]
Can't we see sooner, Ren?
-[Xan groans] -[Isabella] Guys.
Keep an eye out for small foliage.
[Wendy] I can't go on.
[Isabella] We are guests in nature's habitat
and we don't wanna be gentrifiers.
[Sam] This is so much longer than a mile.
-[Xan] We got this. We got this. -[Wendy] It'll be fine.
[Xan] You got this, girl.
If I can do it, you can do it.
[Sam] Oh, mama's hurting.
Come on, these hiking boots aren't meant to get dirty.
Hurry up.
[Wendy] I'm-- I'm about to die in the desert.
[Sam] People already spent 40 years in the desert.
-[Wendy] Oh! -[Sam] This is what I get?
"A small hike." A small hike is a walk.
This is a death march.
[panting] Oh.
Okay.
Damn, this is better than anything
I've ever found on Insta.
You know, Ren,
I tell all my fancy lawyer friends about you.
-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.
They think it's pretty cool that I know
a National Geographic photographer.
-[Ren] Yeah. That's cool. -Yeah.
So, do you, uh...
tell all your photography friends about me?
It's kind of a solo activity.
-Right. -[Wendy groaning]
All right. This is worth it.
And alas, I'll have to start a new life here,
because my legs have stopped working.
But that's fine.
I think I'm gonna start a gang with the wildlife.
I think that they would happily accept you as their leader.
-Thank you. -[Ren chuckles] Okay.
So I wanted to bring you guys out here today...
'cause I know that right before I got sober, I...
I put you guys through hell.
A lot of bodies buried here.
Yeah, and there's stuff, Wendy, that we said that
-we would take to the grave. -[Wendy clicks tongue]
But in-- in all seriousness, I, um...
Fuck. I, uh...
[voice breaking] I know that I--
that I wasn't really a good friend...
and that I didn't show up for you guys a lot.
[cries] And that I was really selfish a lot of the time.
And, um...
I don't wanna do that anymore.
It's not who I wanna be.
I wanna be accountable
and I wanna show up and be reliable.
And so, as much...
as I would like to spend this money on something fun...
I'd like to give it back, um.
And so I wanna donate the 20,000 to preserving the park.
I like that, Ren.
Ren, that's really nice.
[sighs] I can be nice. Sometimes.
I wouldn't go that far.
And this is definitely not as pragmatic
as my day was, but, uh...
okay.
Well, I'm glad to know that emotion hasn't changed you
from pulling focus in any situation.
-I love you so much, Ren. -Me too.
I love all of you so much.
-My God! Stop. -Okay.
Okay. I can't help it. It's a-coming. It's a-flowing.
Oh, it's okay. I got a guy for that.
I'm sure you do. [laughs]
My antidepressants won't let me cry,
-but this is nice. -That's why you're my rock.
Come. Come.
Okay. That's enough emotion. I'm done.
-Okay, yeah. -Let's go.
-All right. -Okay.
[Xan] Well, it was really nice, Ren...
-[Sam sighs] -...that you did that.
["Shenandoah" by Tennessee Ernie Ford playing]
[yodeling]
♪ Oh, Shenandoah ♪
♪ I long to see you ♪
What is good here?
I have never seen a more beautiful group of women before.
You're pretty cute too.
Can't go wrong with any tex-mex.
Especially the, uh, pulled pork.
And do you pull your pork by hand?
It's better when someone else does it.
I'll give you girls a few minutes.
Hurry back.
-Oh, my God, Wendy. -What?
Diego would kill me if I was flirting
-with the waiter like that. -[scoffs]
He doesn't own you. You're not even engaged yet.
-I bet that you guys are-- -I'm not.
You're right. I'm not.
So I should stand up to him.
I mean, what am I doing? You know?
So, back to Wendy and the flirting.
-Wendy? -Flirting never killed anybody.
Besides, Harry and I have an open arrangement.
Wait, wait, what do you-- what do you mean by open?
It means we can fuck other people.
-Oh, subtle. -Okay.
The straights are doing the open relationship thing?
That-- that's our thing.
Is this new? How long has this been going on?
Um, we started a couple months ago and it's been great.
I mean, honestly, we've never been better.
-And it doesn't eat you alive? -No. I mean, it's like--
It's like when I think about Cinnabons, you know.
I crave one and I crave one, and I crave one,
and eventually, I'm going to the mall.
You know what I mean? It's like that.
So, Harry is the Cinnabon, or are you the Cinnabon?
No, nobody's the Cinnabon. It's-- it's about temptation.
You know, if there's always a Cinnabon on the table,
you know, if I want one, I want one.
-No big deal. -Wow. Wow.
You know, you're kind of enlightened.
You know, it's like that time that the Pope did a fist bump.
I have so many questions, especially about the Pope.
And you don't get jealous at all?
No, I mean, as long as he's safe
and he always comes back to me.
At the end of the day, all that matters
is that we love and support each other.
Damn.
I wish Tony was like that.
One of our biggest fights was about...
-paninis. -Huh?
I'm sorry. Deets, please.
[tense music plays]
Tony kept saying he was going to the gym.
Then one day I get an alert
on my card for paninis at Pedro's.
Tony and I love Pedro's.
I was so excited for Pedro's paninis,
but he got home for dinner and...
nothing.
I have never policed what he was buying,
but I know he bought two paninis.
I know it.
I started to spiral and then I...
-I snapped. -[thunder claps]
"Where are the paninis, Tony?
What did you do with the paninis?"
What did he say?
He called me insane.
Said I was overreacting, that I didn't trust him.
But I knew he ate those paninis with someone.
And look what happened!
Now I'm sure he's eating Pedro's paninis
every day with Jenny.
Look, I just wanna say I totally witnessed you
on the whole panini situation.
But I was wondering, have you ever talked to Tony
-about it after? -No.
-Why? -No. No reason.
-[clears throat] -[Ren] None.
What?
It just seems like
every Tony story involves...
avoiding feelings.
-That's all. -Just little bit.
You guys do not know what it's like.
Every time I tried to have
a normal couple's conversation with him,
he said I was using my shrink powers on him.
I'd never bring up issues,
because he would get so defensive.
So, do you ladies know what you want?
I'll have a tall glass of you.
A carafe of mimosas for one.
You know, I have a break coming up
if you wanna join me for a...
cigarette.
I don't smoke
-because it's gross. -Mm.
But for you, I'll secondhand it.
Great.
Can't wait.
[chuckles]
-Get it, girl. -He didn't even take our order.
Hey, sir? Sir?
He'll come back.
♪ Drinking milk by the corn ♪
♪ [indistinct lyrics] ♪
Oh!
Wow.
[exhales] Guys, I--
I feel-- I feel a little emotional.
That was-- it was really-- it really got me.
-Okay. You okay? -Yeah. I'm okay.
Okay, 'cause where the hell is Wendy?
It's been over an hour.
We have a schedule to keep, people.
-[man panting] -[cell phone ringing]
-Hello? -What--
Oh, yeah, I can talk.
-Who are you talking to? -Shh.
Oh, you vixen-blixen.
-Yeah! -[both moaning]
[panting] Thanks for the workout.
-Can I get your number? -Oh, I don't think so.
I'm a drifter, baby. A tumbleweed blown in the wind.
Try to forget about me.
[Ren whoops]
-Okay. -[Xan] Sexy!
[whoops] Did you get it in? Deep?
Yes. I need to know everything.
I want-- I want all the details.
Did you lick his stash? What did it smell like?
Oh, look at you.
-Sorry. -[Xan] Peacocking.
I just had to do a little victory lap there.
-It was so good. -Yes.
What are we talking about?
Infiltrate.
Assess.
And secure the bag.
I don't know. I'm just not good at deception.
Oh, my little jumping cholla cactus.
You can do this. Think about us.
How are we gonna pay
for my gluteal transplants?
-Oh, yeah. -And your yarn business.
I do wanna sell colorful yarn tapestries full time.
And I want that for you, my mini Mojave.
Now giddy up.
[groaning]
[Wendy groans]
-My dogs are barking. -I need a shower.
Does anyone need to use the bathroom first?
I need to drop the kids off at the pool.
-Huh? -Who had 26 hours?
-I had 25. -I had 18.
What are you talking about?
-Venmoed. -Thank you.
-Done. -Me too.
I won the side bet to see how long you would go
without talking about poop.
I do not talk about poop that much.
Says the person who talks about poop every day.
You were constantly talking about
your bowel movements in college.
You know, I didn't mind that much.
It made me feel better about my two-a-days.
Thank you. Well, whatever.
I do not have anything to hide.
Now, if you excuse me,
I'm going to take a huge, satisfying...
I'm taking a big shit.
-There it is. -Dropped a deuce.
Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.
Diego says we're in the running
to get the Monroe House for our wedding!
[cheering]
Oh, my God! I don't know what that is.
Yay! [chuckles]
What good news have you brought?
I sense a positive energy. [inhales]
-[mouths] What the fuck? -Where did she even come from?
Thanks.
Um, I didn't wanna say anything when Xan was around,
but this is, like, the place.
Oh, my God, Iz, just tit up and tell her.
Who gives a shit if Tony's the best man?
She's your best friend. She'll understand.
Oh, yeah. She'll totally understand.
-Yeah. -Who?
Xan, Tony's her ex. And you know what?
Never mind. It doesn't matter.
Okay, I will, but...
you saw her today, right?
She needs a fun weekend.
-One more day of not-- -It's your funeral.
Monroe House is so pretty.
Thanks.
I am having so much fun planning my wedding.
Oh, weddings are such a blessing.
Oh, yes.
Oh, we are gonna celebrate.
-I have just the right crystal. -Don't touch me.
Do any of you have anything to add,
like, say, stacks of cash, or...?
Hey!
-Do you need something? -Well, no, I just--
I saw you guys having so much fun
and I just wanted to be a part--
Then go.
If you have anything, I'll be right next door.
Toodles!
Do you think she's okay, like, mentally?
Hard to tell.
[calm music playing]
I think it is time.
-[sighs] -Here you are, my lady.
Thank you, madam.
-What the hell's happening? -I have no fucking idea.
You two. Shh!
State your positivity mantra.
Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful.
It could be messy and unpredictable
and full of joy.
I am whole.
I am free.
Good, now channel all of your feelings
into that feather.
And when you're ready, let it go.
♪
-Is that it? -Wendy, zip it!
Xan must now let go of all the negativity
she partook in, or was passive about,
through a series of shouts peppered with swears.
Feel free to join her if you like.
Oh, I can totally get into that.
Fuck you, Tony.
Yeah. Fuck your face.
Fuck CrossFit and fuck Jenny,
and fuck your stupid custom designer jeans.
They make your hips look like birthing hips.
Yeah. Fuck your hips!
Um, okay. Yeah. That's-- that's good.
But, um, I meant more like behaviors.
Like, uh--
Fuck your inability to confront anyone!
Or, uh, own up to my part!
-Own up to my part? -Just a suggestion.
Okay, um--
Fuck you for cheating on me.
You broke us. You quit.
You were unhappy.
I deserved more. [shaky breathing]
That is good. That's good.
Establishing the relationship is good.
But maybe...
embrace the part you played in the relationship too.
Okay. Got it.
Fuck you for making me lose trust in everyone.
I wish I could go back to not being sad all the time.
And I wish that things could just go back to normal.
What? What am I doing wrong now?
You're just not really following the prompt.
Just own up to your part.
Oh, and you two would do it better?
Yeah, actually, I think I would.
You know, I'm not gonna say anything 'cause I'm sensing
it would only make things worse.
Right. Right. Ren, do you wanna get divorced?
No, because someone would actually have to love you first.
-You know what? Fuck you! -Mm-hmm.
And Samantha, how about you stop
trying to control everything that I do
and just mind your own business
-for once. -That's not fair.
I'm better at business than you are.
What is not fair is Tony leaving me.
-[groans] -Heard this record before.
[laughs] Okay. Okay.
I am the one that got cheated on.
So-- so why the fuck do I have to own up to anything?
Because no one cheats for no reason!
-Oh. -Stop always playing the victim.
Maybe Tony cheated,
because you never communicate how you're feeling.
You never stand up for anything. Not even yourself.
You're a therapist. Own your shit!
Damn, that's a little harsh for me, Iz.
Well, you know what I want you to do with the money?
Go see a therapist.
Or a counselor. Something. Stop, stop it.
You think you have all the answers,
but you don't.
You think that everything is just going to
magically go back to normal.
-Yes, it will. -No, it won't.
You're a different person now, and that's okay.
But you have to acknowledge
that things in your life are changing.
Oh, my God. It's been almost a year.
When Diego and I are married,
I want us to be able to talk and support each other.
Well, you'd have to get married first,
so don't hold your breath.
Damn. What the fuck?
What? What am I missing, ladies?
-[Wendy] Nothing. -[Ren] Forget it.
Forget-- forget it. Forget I said anything. Okay?
Let's just go back down the hill and-- and relax and stop moping.
Moping. I'm not moping.
You're a huge moper.
-You're moping. -Yeah.
Yeah. You know what? I'm done with this.
[Xan huffs]
Okay. Xan, wait.
Okay, wait. Let's talk.
[Xan] Don't follow me. Just give me some space.
Okay, we'll be, like, a hundred yards behind you.
[Xan] Nope.
-Well, that fucking sucked. -I know.
And--
You know, I feel worse and stressed
and you guys aren't helping.
Oh, my God. You were coddling her.
We can't all be as blunt as you.
Well, you should have just told her right then.
Bourbon?
You know, Wendy, not everything is bettered by booze.
[Wendy] Most things are better with booze.
Oh, Is-- Isabella.
How do you know about [indistinct]?
[psychedelic music playing]
[slurping]
[sighs, sniffs]
[groans]
I'm not moping.
She's a big mopey mopester. I'm fine.
-Hello, dark sister. -Jesus! You scared me.
I've been waiting for you.
-Tea? -I'm too annoyed for tea.
[sighs]
I would like to offer you a gift.
I don't get a lot of visitors in the desert.
And you've been so warm, welcoming.
And it seems like all of your friends,
just, you guys love and enjoy each other so much.
Please take my gift.
I'm certainly not enjoying them right now.
It's like, can't they just unconditionally support me
without pushing me to do things that make me feel uncomfortable?
-Totally. -I don't fight for things.
I fight for stuff. What is this?
Herbs, spices.
That's it. Drink it all.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
[grunting]
-Oh, no. Amara, no. -Please sit.
Yeah, sit.
Listen, bud.
We've had a really weird couple of days.
Okay? A feeder shrimp almost murdered me.
Mm-hmm. And there's been a bit of tension.
Oh, I sensed it.
-You hold it in your breasts. -My breasts?
-Mm-hmm. -Like a tension bra.
I would like to give Xan and all of you a gift.
Yeah. I want it. I-- I want the gift. Yes.
It won't take long, I promise.
I need everyone to join hands.
Close your eyes.
[all inhaling, exhaling]
[Amara vocalizing]
Oh, great desert spirit.
We call upon to thee for your endless power.
[groans] What's up, it's your girl Amara.
[Amara laughs]
We call upon you to free Xan
from our ex-husband, Tommy.
-Tony. -Tony, yes.
Release her from Tony's spiritual shackles.
-[shuddering] -[Amara chanting]
Release her from his clutch.
[groaning]
[Amara vocalizing]
Release her!
[laughter]
Shh. Girls.
-Hey, I need everyone to focus. -Shh. Girls.
Xan.
Release yourself.
How?
[both sighing]
[exhaling sharply]
[both exhaling enthusiastically]
[both howling loudly]
[moaning loudly]
[both chanting] Re, re, re, re.
[both chanting rhythmically] Re, re, re, re, re, re.
[both] Release yourself!
♪
Okay.
[Xan laughs] Okay.
[Amara sighs] There.
You are cleansed.
Yay!
-That was it? -Yes.
That's it. Don't you feel better?
I do actually feel better.
Thank you.
Because happiness is contagious.
Love is contagious.
And maybe by...
-Isabella's wedding... -Oh, shit.
...you'll have a new love of your own.
[Xan grunts] Isabella's wedding?
-Mm-hmm. To Aiego. -Diego.
What? What's she talking about?
Uh, I...
I'm engaged.
-I'm engaged. It just happened. -[gasps]
Engaged? This is brand new information.
[laughs]
-[overlapping chatter] -It's so wonderful.
Oh, thank you.
[Amara] Yes.
Everyone knows before me?
I didn't wanna overshadow your weekend.
So you make me the fool?
Amara-- Amara knows before me.
I'm not a baby that you have to hide things from.
I was trying to protect you.
I'm supposed to be your best friend.
Am I even invited to your wedding?
Of course. Of course, you are.
We have been through so much together. Okay?
Boyfriends, promotions, moving.
And...
[tambourines clattering]
...you were the first person I wanted to see
when my mom died.
And you're so important to me.
I wasn't planning on doing this like this.
Oh, Iz, no.
Girl, read the room.
But I was wondering if you would be
my maid of honor.
[chuckles]
Well, that's great.
Well, it is time to end
this bullshit woo woo mantra.
-Xan, wait! -Isabella, get in that RV
right now and tell her you're sorry.
I-- Well, she just needs a minute.
You guys, that is her contained sadness walk.
I've said it a million times. This is not good.
-Get in there. -Oh, we're too late.
Now!
[Isabella murmuring]
I'm so sorry. I didn't know it was a secret.
No, no. It's okay. I'm just gonna-- Yep.
I'm just gonna light that sage, honey.
-Yep. -You get the away
-evil devil spirits. -Ooh. Yep.
[Wendy] Do you have any weed?
-Not the time. -I do. I do.
Or-- okay. Maybe it is the time.
[Xan grunting angrily]
Xan, hey.
I'm sorry. Can we talk?
I am good. Really.
It was inevitable, right?
You guys are gonna be really happy together.
I didn't wanna overshadow your weekend.
Of course, not. And you know what?
You are right. This is my weekend.
And you know who I don't wanna spend this weekend with?
[shouting] You!
-Where are you going? -I'm leaving
because apparently my friends have been lying to me
and talking behind my back
and trying to get me to sleep with random dudes
or-- or like telling me what to do with my finances.
Half is better than zero.
See, meddling.
This is Tony's fault.
No. Bringing a hundred thousand dollars
into the desert is crazy.
And that's not Tony's fault. That's your fault.
No, it's his fault.
Look, I really think that you should set up--
-This is insane. -Long term care.
-[argument echoes] -Seriously.
Can you take responsibility for anything?
No.
This might not be the time to bring this up
or it might be the perfect time.
But I gave Xan the gift of clarity.
-Amara, leave us alone! -Okay.
But she's probably got about five minutes
before the drugs kick.
Don't tell her what to do. But wait, what?
-What you're talking about? -You drugged her?
The-- the herbs and spices tea?
Mm-hmm. Herbs are mushrooms, spices are mushrooms.
Jesus, you drink anything from this grifter?
-She is sketch even for me. -Come on, Xan.
-You know better. -What were you thinking?
Xan. Xan! Xan!
I got her. I got her. I don't got her.
-I am a little overserved again. -Jesus, Wendy. Okay.
Do any of you have experience with psychedelics?
I don't know why I'm asking. I'm gonna go do it.
No, I'll go. She's mad at me.
I'm just gonna get a jacket before I go
running around in the desert at night.
-God, Iz, I told you not to-- -Don't!
You'll make me feel worse.
[tense music playing]
No. Hey, Iz.
-Holy shit! -Oh, we stumbled into something.
We know you've got tons of cash.
Hand it over and you won't get sliced!
Ah, Ezekiel, come on. We've already seen your genitals.
Amara, you too?
Sorry, earth sister.
But custom small batch dyed yarn tapestries aren't cheap.
Stop talking! Where's the money?
What money? My hard earned drag money?
-You can't have it. -I am not playing around!
-Give us the cash. -Oh, that's a really big knife.
Please don't hurt us.
Ezekiel we'll give you whatever you want.
Just calm down.
I heard you talking about it. Where's the money?
Um, we don't actually know where the money is.
Only Xan does.
I know you're lying. You better get her here now.
[Xan panting]
[distorted voices echoing]
[echoing] I am 30.
Alone.
My friends hate me.
Who's ever gonna love me?
Oh. [laughs]
I didn't even try to save us.
[sobbing]
♪
-You don't have to do this. -Where is it?
So disappointed in you.
Hey. Hey. You want a corgi? It's on me.
I want the money.
And the corgi.
We don't know where the money is.
Only Xan does.
We have to find her. She is on drugs and she's alone.
I hope she's okay.
Hey, Ren.
If we're gonna die, I'm glad it's with Nedward.
[eagle screeches]
I'm gonna need a lot of therapy after this.
[Xan panting]
[voice echoing] Take this feather. Let it go.
[voice distorts]
[Xan chuckling]
My friends.
My friends. My friends.
[laughs]
My friends. My friends. My friends.
[laughing]
♪
You know, I really did think you gals were fun.
-Shut up, Amara. -Hey!
You shut up you Yelp princess.
Yelp princess? What are you gonna do?
You're gonna tie up four women?
People will be looking for us by tomorrow morning.
Yep, well, we-- we-- we'll be gone by tonight
off to Juarez, Mexico to live with [indistinct].
We're gonna have little babies
and they're gonna have little babies
and they're gonna name her Wendy and then we're gonna--
Look, everyone. It's a sign.
-A feather. -[Ezekiel] What the fuck?
-Is that Xan? Is she okay? -She's definitely not okay.
She's holding a bloody feather
and I'm pretty sure she's peeking.
-Been there. -You.
You better give us that a hundred thousand dollars.
[laughs] You know what?
No. [laughs]
You think you can come in here and lie
and cheat and do whatever the hell you want.
I don't think so.
I am not sitting here and taking this.
I do not deserve this. [laughs]
You don't get to dictate what I do with that money.
And I will be damned if I worked this hard,
this hard for some scumbag husband...
-Husband? -...to take it from me.
I'm not giving you shit, Tony.
Now!
-[Ezekiel groans] -[Amara gasps]
-Ezekiel. -Hey, desert sister.
Ooh! [groans in pain]
My heart sickens!
You little bitches!
Hey, you don't get to call us bitches.
Only friends can call us that.
Now, get outta here.
[groaning in pain]
[Ezekiel sobbing] Marmar. Marmar.
Marmar, we gotta get-- we gotta get--
May the night spirits caress your slumber.
Be blessed.
[all panting]
Let's get out of here.
We're done.
We did it!
[Xan] How long do mushrooms last?
-[Ren] Couple more hours. -[Xan] Oh God.
[Sam] Why didn't we just stay here?
-[Xan] That's so bad. -[Ren] Just look at the sky.
-[Xan] Your hands are so big. -[Ren] Just look at the sky.
Also your hands are bloody.
-Please don't touch anyone. -[Xan] Oh, wow.
[Ren] It's absolutely fucking ridiculous.
You guys, I'm so jacked up on adrenaline from that tit punch.
Did you see it?
I've always loved your tit punches.
Again, my treat because of the, you know, bag of money.
Whatever. I can't believe I'm wheeling my own suitcase.
They just need some time to decompress.
Things will be better in the morning.
-Are we okay? -I don't know. Are we?
I was trying to protect you.
I don't need shielding.
[scoffs] Okay, great.
[sighs]
[sighs] Fuck!
[desert drum music plays]
-[music fades] -[water gurgling]
Please sit.
What's with the, uh, formality?
-Oh. -Oh, God.
Someone help her. For God sake.
-You got-- Oh, no. -She's gonna--
-I'm okay. I got it. -Oh, okay.
-You got it? -You doing okay, Iz?
-Yeah. I'm okay. -Yeah?
-Yeah. -Okay.
Okay. Thank you all for coming.
I rented out the entire spa for the day.
Why can't we just talk this out like adults?
Well, apparently, because we are incapable.
-What's with the candle? -I thought it was cool.
-It's very dramatic. -Shut it.
I will blow out this ceremonial candle
at the end and then we can all get massages.
-Mmm. -Or...
No! Okay.
I thought you would do that.
You little smart ass.
My prickly pear Ren.
So I know we could not go to the sound bath.
So I brought this bronze singing bowl.
The guy that sold it to me was really fricking weird,
but he said it would cleanse my chakras, so.
Oh, my God, Iz. Our itinerary.
I would like to finish the resurrection ceremony.
-[singing bowl chimes] -What the--
Singing. Singing.
Singing bowl.
[Xan vocalizing]
It's a singing bowl.
[vocalizing]
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
I really am trying.
I know it takes two people to start a relationship
and two to end one.
I was passive and scared.
And I didn't fight for anything.
So, I am divorced
and I own up to my part.
Not just Tony's.
Wow. That's really great.
And I know that things cannot get back to normal,
but what does normal mean anyways?
Selling corgis?
I actually do snakes now too, so.
Oh, wow.
Uh, documenting the world?
Winning the most cases?
Or marrying a really great guy
while your best friend stands up at your wedding.
I'm talking about me. I'm your best friend.
I know.
And I don't care that Tony will be at the wedding.
In fact, I hope that someday
I will not care about Tony at all.
Yeah, fuck Tony and his tiny penis.
Uh-huh. Fuck him.
But when I was at my lowest,
I knew that all you gals were just, uh,
a phone call or a meme
or an inappropriate emoji away.
And, um, that means everything to me.
-Oh, my God. -[gags]
Hmm.
Yeah, I did think this was gonna float in
like a cool and mysterious way.
Yeah, that's what I thought the first time.
And I've been thinking about it
and I'm going to start going to therapy.
Thank God. Baruch HaShem
As my people would say, dayenu.
-Dayenu, my child. -Oh my God. What did she say?
Yeah. I could really use someone neutral to talk to.
Xan, we love you.
I love us.
Aw, me too.
-Me three. -Same, I guess.
[Wendy] Can I just say something?
-Really quick. -Mm-hmm.
That feather is disgusting.
Feathers in general are disgusting.
That feather in particular is especially disgusting.
You should throw it away or burn it or bury it.
And also wash your hands.
And also, I love you so much.
Iz, I need that wipey that you offered from before.
Oh, you want the wipey now, huh?
[gags] It smells like death.
24, 25,
$26,032.
[Isabella] And 17 cents.
Oh, guys, we should have treated ourselves
with that second shrimp buffet when we had the chance.
What the hell am I going to do with $26,000?
[both gasp]
No! Absolutely not. No. No way. No.
Oh, yeah baby.
[upbeat music playing]
This better be the best glass of wine
I've ever had in my life.
Cheers to the greatest friends a girl could ask for.
To the pirate wine.
[both] Yarr !
Yarr!
Nope. Absolutely not.
Fucking cinnamon lime again?
-Mine's good. -Ugh!
This tastes like grandmother's piss.
Pirate grandmother's piss.
Why do you wanna drink piss?
It's expensive.
[Xan] Ugh. Thank God.
This is us.
-Bye. -Oh, Sam.
-Happy divorce! -[all cheering]
-[indistinct] -That's right.
Did you hear that? I am single and ready to mingle.
-Uh, sir. -Yeah. You still got it, girl.
Yeah, he def wants this.
That was great.
You know, that was kinda hot.
And the next time we will all be together
will be for Isabella's bachelorette.
[Wendy] Oh, my God. Vegas.
I know so many strippers in Vegas.
One call from me and boom, stripper city.
And I think John is still DJing and he will hook us up.
-Okay? -Who's John?
You know, he sang "Get Low."
I-- I'm so sorry. Do you mean Little John?
That's not what his friends call him.
-How do you know Little John? -Oh, my God.
She's literally fucked everyone. It's actually incredible.
It does help though with like hookups.
No, I'm worried about her safety.
-It's bad. -[Ren] Hey, look.
I did wanna tell you, before you go, my tender peach...
-Mm-hmm. -...that I will take
two of those long boy hamsters
and you can throw in some snakes too.
-Are you serious? -I am very serious.
-[Wendy] Are you serious? -[Ren] I'm deadly serious.
-[Wendy] You serious? -[Ren] Deadly.
Oh, you've never supported my businesses before.
Okay, let's go.
This feels really irresponsible.
Ren, get my bag.
I got your bag.
I gotta go. I'm too excited.
[phone chimes]
["Happy Days & Happy Nights" by Valentino playing]
♪ No more ♪
♪ Roadblocks in my way ♪
♪ Just open doors ♪
♪ In the sky today ♪
♪ Win some ♪
♪ Lose some ♪
♪ Don't mind [indistinct lyrics] ♪
♪ Happy days ♪
♪ Are here to stay ♪
♪ Happy days ♪
♪ No more clouds of gray ♪
♪ Win some ♪
♪ Lose some ♪
♪ Don't mind ♪
♪ 'Cause all I really care is that you're here ♪
♪ Standing so near ♪
♪ Happy days ♪
[music continues playing over headset]
♪ Happy days ♪
♪ No more skies of gray ♪
♪ Win some ♪
♪ Lose some ♪
♪ Don't mind ♪
♪ 'Cause all I really care is that you're here ♪
♪ Everyday ♪
♪ Happy days ♪
Holy shit!
[upbeat music plays]
♪ You wanna buy me a drink? What do you think? ♪
♪ Go back to my place and I can show you my kink ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm greedy, so feed me ♪
♪ Get down in your knees, whenever you greet me ♪
♪ And make a deposit ♪
♪ All of your profit ♪
♪ Buy me a coke, yeah, call me Joseph ♪
♪ Now I'm your coffee ♪
I'm not ready. My pants are all the way down.
-Four, two, four. -Second stick.
Hello, kind eyes.
-Are we rolling? -[man] Okay. And...
You smell like a shrimp buffet.
Wow, wow, wow, wow.
You smell like a taco bar.
Well, you smell great.
[screaming]
Little blowing. [laughs]
[laughs]
I would like to offer you...
a damn semi.
You smell like a urinal cake.
Or in the president's establishment room.
What am I saying?
Is this feeling right?
-[Wendy gasps] -Oh, fuck!
I don't know what I'm saying.
Fuck, that was so good too. Shit balls.
I think it's so tight.
-Do you want take that again? -Yes, I would.
I didn't wanna say anything. Oops.
[laughing] That's my other line.
When Tony-- that's not my husband.
That's your husband. Disappointed.
[laughs]
Is it soft or better?
'Cause you can't solve a [indistinct].
All right. Sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
Give me a stand your ground.
Give me a-- Give me a--
I'm certainly not enjoying them right now.
Are you trying to say you wanna get double penetrated?
Because I feel like I can't do that anymore.
[laughs] I can't--
[laughter]
[mumbling]
[laughs] Damn it!
My oven is not big enough for two eggplants.
[laughter and cheering]
[Ren laughing] [indistinct]
[indistinct]
Did she get double penetrated?
By Ricardo.
Two eggplants in the oven.
[laughter]
-I could go on. -Well...
Okay. It better be.
♪ Oh, la, la la ♪
♪ Blow it up, oh my God ♪
♪ Hands go, hallelujah ♪
♪ Light it up, oh, la, la, la ♪
♪ I want money, money, money, money to burn ♪
♪ You got lot, lot, lot, lot to learn ♪
♪ 'Cause I take it all, if I want it all ♪
♪ Babyg imme that ♪
♪ I want money, money, money, money to burn ♪
♪ You got lot, lot, lot, lot to learn ♪
♪ 'Cause I take it all, if I want it all ♪
♪ Baby gimme that, oh, la, la, la ♪
♪ I live off that bread and butter ♪
♪ Milk get right from the udder ♪
♪ Every drop of the cream ♪
♪ Turn it right round and it turns to green ♪
♪ Green, green, green, green, green, green, green ♪
♪ Throw it up, oh, la, la, la ♪
♪ Blow it up, oh, my God ♪
♪ Hands go, hallelujah ♪
♪ Light it up, oh, la, la, la ♪
♪ Throw it up, oh, la, la, la ♪
♪ Blow it up, oh, my God ♪
♪ Hands go, hallelujah ♪
♪ Light it up, oh, la, la, la ♪
♪
[woman] We love it.