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NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
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PROHIBITION FROM HELL
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This is me. Marcin Łopian. Age 19.
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Resident of Pęchery, Piaseczno Township.
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Born in Łbiska between
Pęchery and Piaseczno.
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Correct. My father's tractor was too slow
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and he didn't make it to the hospital
in Piaseczno, hence the scar on my cheek.
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That disc harrow is no joke.
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You might be wondering what
a construction guy with a broken face
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is doing on the street
at three o'clock at night.
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Let me emphasize I'm still at work...
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Who would've thought I just got
hit in the face with a high kick.
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All right, no more kidding.
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Time to get back on my feet
and face the enemy.
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Correct, besides construction work
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we're also in the business
of fighting dark forces.
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My fists are shit...
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-Excuse me?
-And your face is the crapper.
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Hit me or I'm gonna shit myself!
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You don't know much about
hidenuttersm, do you?
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These ain't my balls.
You kicked me in the ass!
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Stay where you are,
or I'll cut your prick off!
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How do you know where my dick is?
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This is Domino. Yes, he's a demon,
but he's on our side.
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He screwed up in Hell, so he joined
our team a few months ago.
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He might suck at melee combat,
but he's pretty weak at fighting.
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Hey, boss! Marcin is in trouble.
Quick, pass me the rifle!
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I'd rather have a pass on vodka
than pass you my rifle.
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I wanna live. Anyway,
I need my gun! Here's another one.
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And this is our boss, Bogdan Boner.
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His shooting skills are more or less
as good as Domino's fighting abilities.
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Oh Jesus, what have I done...
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-Oh fuck...
-Thanks!
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Wait! Can you see what's happening?
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How long can you last
without air? Die already!
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You first!
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Phew! Thanks. That was close.
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OK, now hand him the gun. Or maybe not.
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Don't do that.
He'll be better off without it.
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I told you.
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Mission accomplished. Let's go back.
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LAWN MOWING
CHEAP PRICES
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You heard this one?
Milik wanted to get laid,
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so he went to get some ass,
but missed the whorehouse...
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No need to pay for stand-up tickets,
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when you can listen
to your boss telling jokes!
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Speaking of payment, boss...
When am I gonna get paid?
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-How much do I owe you?
-For the last month or altogether?
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-Let's say, last month.
-In that case, it's 1400, but--
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Here's 1500 and we're even.
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Take it easy Marcin.
Money isn't everything.
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What's important is good humor.
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You know this one?
Donald comes to a whorehouse--
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What's up with you, man?
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Jesus, Marcin! What have you done?
What's gotten into you?
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You are possessed, aren't you?
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Let's go back to the deli.
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What kind of magic was that?
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Just because he looks like
your boss and is wearing his clothes,
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it doesn't necessarily mean it's him.
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What do you want?
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No way. There's barely enough for me.
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How come, Domino? How did you know?
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The real boss wouldn't pay me
the whole amount.
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At least not without a fight.
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It turns out the hidenuttersm
can take on a human body...
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Indeed they can.
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Too bad you didn't mention it earlier.
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Shit's about to get awesome, Krzychu!
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We're gonna have the time of our lives!
Did you see the supplies?
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Twelve brewskis in the bag
and an extra bottle in the backpack.
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What the fuck's wrong with you, Bartosz?
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-What do you mean?
-Never say "bottle" when Piotr's around!
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First of all, he's not even here, okay?
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Oh, right. Piotr! Hurry up!
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Second, what's this all about?
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He's never had any alcohol before.
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It was hard enough
to talk him into this beer.
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I just don't want him to freak out.
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So why did we all chip in for the...
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You'll see.
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-What's up, homies?
-Well, finally!
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Happy birthday to you!
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You shitheads!
Do you really have to yell like that?
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People want to get some sleep
after working all night in a boiler room!
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Hey, man, stop yelling!
I'm trying to run a home office here!
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Why don't you shove
that home office up your ass!
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Charging neighbors 150 with a discount?!
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You know how long I need to bust my ass
in a boiler room to make that much money?!
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So this is how beer smells.
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No, that's how shit smells.
Come on, Piotr. You only turn 18 once!
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-Go for it man!
-OK, cheers.
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And she's like,
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"Let me know when you're about to cum
'cause I don't like it."
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So I'm like, "Chill, it's a long one..."
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-That's how I got the black eye.
-Piotras, don't you need to take a leak?
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Oh yeah. Gotta take a leak guys.
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Now's our chance.
Watch if he's not coming back!
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-What you wanna do?
-Quiet, dude. No time for explanation.
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It'll be fun!
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Damn bush, all wet over there...
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OK, let's drink before the beer
gets flat. Ready, steady...
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Fucking shit! The fuck you've done...
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With all due respect, your rottenness,
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but you went behind the tape
and knocked the ladder over.
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Oh, the pain!
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As if someone was pouring
a non-alcoholic beverage into my mouth!
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You're gonna have to see a doctor.
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-Got any insurance?
-What insurance?
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Lucky you. You'll be paying
for treatment on your own.
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Boss, boss!
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Good day, your motherfuckiness.
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Shit, Tomek, what happened to you?
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Nothing serious. Just broke my leg.
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I know this pain. Hurts as if someone
was serving a non-alcoholic--
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Tell me why you're here,
or I'll cut your balls off.
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I've got some news, sir. The first news
is that you need to watch the news.
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The other is that your car was picked up
from the repair shop,
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and is parked as usual. No sign of the TV.
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Last night an unusual event
occurred in Cain Square.
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A group of drunken youths celebrating
the 18th birthday of one of them
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desecrated the statue
of our dark Lord Belzebutt.
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-We've got a recording of this incident.
-You're getting only one more warning.
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Get down from the monument!
Otherwise we're going to use tear gas!
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I'm the king of Hell!
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I'm the butt king!
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Last warning, butt king!
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Get off the statue!
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Wow, these are Batman's glasses!
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I'm spraying!
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I'm Piotr the Invincible--
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Bastards!
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How could they ruin such
a fine monument! I'll show you!
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Call the General Assembly,
I'll give a speech!
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Following the recent shameful misdemeanors
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committed by the minors,
I am announcing the following.
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The prohibition of selling
and consuming alcohol in Hell
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by persons under 18 years of age
has been expanded.
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From now on, the legal age
for consuming alcohol
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is raised from 18 to 21 years of age.
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What about cigs?
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Yeah, what about them?
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The total ban on smoking in Hell
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shall continue and it shall
also include e-cigarettes!
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-Did you hear the noise?
-What was it?
146
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Not sure... Sounded like
a bang in the garage.
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I'd better check it out, you never know…
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You think you're so clever.
Not this time, you drunkard.
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Hello! Anybody here? Hello!
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Oh, my dear Bożenka...
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Bożenka...
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You're not a beauty,
but you sure are stupid.
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When are you finally going to learn
that you will never win?
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No way. I'm too cunning for that.
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Well, hit it!
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-As you wish. Hit it!
-Ouch! What was that for, Bożenka?!
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I haven't even started.
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You've been coming down here
every night for the past week,
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and you stink of onions afterwards.
You think I wouldn't figure out why?
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To kill the smell of booze.
But it's over now...
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Told you I'd heard a bang.
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-Attack!
-Michał, wait! Look...
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-OK, you know the plan, Cyprian?
-I do, but this is a stupid idea.
164
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Shit, wanna get wasted today or not?
165
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Shall we?
166
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Morning, ma'am. Gimme half a liter
of the cheapest vodka and a coke.
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-Here you go. 18 zlotys.
-What?
168
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Mister Staś!
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Not in this lifetime!
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I've got him!
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I'll show you!
172
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Never show up your face
in here again, you little punk!
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Janusz...
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you're a genius.
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We can't handle any more, just can't.
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We're getting more calls on a regular day
than we did during the Cheap Booze Days.
177
00:11:37,209 --> 00:11:39,834
There's been so much more
of that devil bullshit lately.
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Half of the officers are on paid leave!
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What a bunch of scared pussies.
Boner, please help.
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00:11:45,834 --> 00:11:49,293
You're our last resort.
Your fee must be reasonable, though.
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Fine, we will take care of it.
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00:11:51,459 --> 00:11:53,709
But first we need to find out
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what is causing all this sudden
horned shit activity around here.
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Apparently, they raised
the drinking age in Hell.
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So the first riddle is solved!
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00:12:03,709 --> 00:12:07,668
Now we need to figure out
how to discourage them
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from partying up here on Earth.
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I've got it! Domino, can you sing?
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Not at all! But I do love doing it.
190
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Which pretty much applies
to most performers. Perfect!
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DJ ANDREA KINKINELLI
LIVE, FREE ADMISSION
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ONE VODKA & SPIRIT DRINK
INCLUDED WITH TICKET
193
00:12:26,793 --> 00:12:29,584
Chill out, no rush. Take it easy.
194
00:12:29,668 --> 00:12:32,709
There's enough for everyone.
One vodka with spirit coming up!
195
00:12:32,793 --> 00:12:34,334
-And for you, sir?
-The same!
196
00:12:35,459 --> 00:12:39,918
My heart is bleeding when
I see how much booze is being wasted.
197
00:12:40,001 --> 00:12:42,126
Not your problem.
You're not paying for it.
198
00:12:42,209 --> 00:12:45,001
That liquor was confiscated
from an illegal bottling plant.
199
00:12:45,084 --> 00:12:48,959
So what? It tastes
as good as the legal stuff.
200
00:12:49,043 --> 00:12:50,043
Shall we attack?
201
00:12:50,126 --> 00:12:52,918
We're gonna wait till everyone
enters the club. Domino!
202
00:12:53,543 --> 00:12:55,626
-Yes, boss?
-Get up on that stage!
203
00:12:55,709 --> 00:12:57,043
I'm on it.
204
00:13:04,126 --> 00:13:07,001
Who's got the guts?
I'm here for some nuts
205
00:13:07,084 --> 00:13:09,959
Just nuts and that's it
'Cause I got the rest of shit I need!
206
00:13:10,043 --> 00:13:12,626
Grab a bite
Not a lot
207
00:13:12,709 --> 00:13:16,043
My nuts may just be too hot
208
00:13:16,126 --> 00:13:21,918
This nut pie is for you, baby
A nut love cake, baby
209
00:13:22,001 --> 00:13:24,876
Open up your pie hole
Open it really wide
210
00:13:24,959 --> 00:13:28,251
And imagine a wiener inside
211
00:13:30,959 --> 00:13:32,959
How long will it take, boss?
212
00:13:33,043 --> 00:13:36,376
We're running out of free booze
and they're gonna kill me soon!
213
00:13:36,459 --> 00:13:38,626
Give us the booze, you thieves!
214
00:13:38,709 --> 00:13:40,084
Chill out!
215
00:13:40,168 --> 00:13:44,209
What about the free drinks included
in the ticket price? Fucking hell!
216
00:13:44,293 --> 00:13:45,959
Come on, boss. I'm begging you...
217
00:13:46,043 --> 00:13:49,043
Not yet, not yet...
218
00:13:49,751 --> 00:13:51,043
Now!
219
00:13:57,084 --> 00:13:59,793
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
tonight's main attraction!
220
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A foam bath!
221
00:14:01,334 --> 00:14:05,001
We've got a special surprise for you:
the foam was made with holy water!
222
00:14:17,834 --> 00:14:21,043
You traitor! You'll die with me!
223
00:14:22,209 --> 00:14:23,126
What the hell?!
224
00:14:23,751 --> 00:14:26,293
Surprised? I got myself desensitized!
225
00:14:26,376 --> 00:14:28,543
Get off the stage!
226
00:14:32,543 --> 00:14:36,376
Ha ha, motherfuckers!
That's what you deserve!
227
00:14:40,459 --> 00:14:41,959
Uh-oh.
228
00:14:43,459 --> 00:14:46,709
Fuck! Help me out, boss!
229
00:14:50,043 --> 00:14:52,626
Damn it, I'm out of ammo!
230
00:14:53,126 --> 00:14:55,084
I'm fucked!
231
00:14:55,168 --> 00:14:57,959
I wonder if Marcin and the boss are OK?
232
00:14:58,043 --> 00:14:59,876
Damn it, we're fucked!
233
00:14:59,959 --> 00:15:01,584
Boss, get us out of here
234
00:15:01,668 --> 00:15:05,043
and I promise I'll work for free
for like a half a year or so.
235
00:15:05,126 --> 00:15:07,043
Hmm, for free you say?
236
00:15:07,126 --> 00:15:09,209
And those past salaries I owe you?
237
00:15:09,293 --> 00:15:12,376
What past salaries?
You owe me nothing, boss!
238
00:15:12,459 --> 00:15:14,751
Now you're talking!
239
00:15:17,126 --> 00:15:19,293
Turns out it won't be so easy.
240
00:15:19,376 --> 00:15:22,668
Good bye, boss.
We'll settle this on the other side.
241
00:15:22,751 --> 00:15:25,126
Hope they have an ATM in Heaven.
242
00:15:26,793 --> 00:15:31,876
Here comes father Natan
who scares the fuck out of Satan
243
00:15:31,959 --> 00:15:37,459
Say hi to my six-barrel
sacred bullet buddy!
244
00:15:54,459 --> 00:15:57,293
Natan? What are you doing here,
you stinky wiener?
245
00:15:57,376 --> 00:16:03,459
You'd better give this wiener
a big hug for saving your... ass!
246
00:16:03,543 --> 00:16:06,043
I know you like this kind of stuff
in your company,
247
00:16:06,126 --> 00:16:09,043
but keep your wiener away from my ass!
248
00:16:09,126 --> 00:16:11,501
Oh, so ungrateful. Next time I should--
249
00:16:12,209 --> 00:16:15,709
Begone, unclean spirit! Get him off me!
250
00:16:22,959 --> 00:16:26,251
Phew. Ok, right. We're even.
251
00:16:26,334 --> 00:16:27,668
I'm not gonna be like that
252
00:16:27,751 --> 00:16:31,876
and I'll just say it:
thanks for saving my... ass.
253
00:16:31,959 --> 00:16:34,626
Except I wasn't actually
aiming at the devil.
254
00:16:36,209 --> 00:16:39,918
THE END