NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
PROHIBITION FROM HELL
This is me. Marcin Łopian. Age 19.
Resident of Pęchery, Piaseczno Township.
Born in Łbiska between Pęchery and Piaseczno.
Correct. My father's tractor was too slow
and he didn't make it to the hospital in Piaseczno, hence the scar on my cheek.
That disc harrow is no joke.
You might be wondering what a construction guy with a broken face
is doing on the street at three o'clock at night.
Let me emphasize I'm still at work...
Who would've thought I just got hit in the face with a high kick.
All right, no more kidding.
Time to get back on my feet and face the enemy.
Correct, besides construction work
we're also in the business of fighting dark forces.
My fists are shit...
-Excuse me? -And your face is the crapper.
Hit me or I'm gonna shit myself!
You don't know much about hidenuttersm, do you?
These ain't my balls. You kicked me in the ass!
Stay where you are, or I'll cut your prick off!
How do you know where my dick is?
This is Domino. Yes, he's a demon, but he's on our side.
He screwed up in Hell, so he joined our team a few months ago.
He might suck at melee combat, but he's pretty weak at fighting.
Hey, boss! Marcin is in trouble. Quick, pass me the rifle!
I'd rather have a pass on vodka than pass you my rifle.
I wanna live. Anyway, I need my gun! Here's another one.
And this is our boss, Bogdan Boner.
His shooting skills are more or less as good as Domino's fighting abilities.
Oh Jesus, what have I done...
-Oh fuck... -Thanks!
Wait! Can you see what's happening?
How long can you last without air? Die already!
You first!
Phew! Thanks. That was close.
OK, now hand him the gun. Or maybe not.
Don't do that. He'll be better off without it.
I told you.
Mission accomplished. Let's go back.
LAWN MOWING CHEAP PRICES
You heard this one? Milik wanted to get laid,
so he went to get some ass, but missed the whorehouse...
No need to pay for stand-up tickets,
when you can listen to your boss telling jokes!
Speaking of payment, boss... When am I gonna get paid?
-How much do I owe you? -For the last month or altogether?
-Let's say, last month. -In that case, it's 1400, but--
Here's 1500 and we're even.
Take it easy Marcin. Money isn't everything.
What's important is good humor.
You know this one? Donald comes to a whorehouse--
What's up with you, man?
Jesus, Marcin! What have you done? What's gotten into you?
You are possessed, aren't you?
Let's go back to the deli.
What kind of magic was that?
Just because he looks like your boss and is wearing his clothes,
it doesn't necessarily mean it's him.
What do you want?
No way. There's barely enough for me.
How come, Domino? How did you know?
The real boss wouldn't pay me the whole amount.
At least not without a fight.
It turns out the hidenuttersm can take on a human body...
Indeed they can.
Too bad you didn't mention it earlier.
Shit's about to get awesome, Krzychu!
We're gonna have the time of our lives! Did you see the supplies?
Twelve brewskis in the bag and an extra bottle in the backpack.
What the fuck's wrong with you, Bartosz?
-What do you mean? -Never say "bottle" when Piotr's around!
First of all, he's not even here, okay?
Oh, right. Piotr! Hurry up!
Second, what's this all about?
He's never had any alcohol before.
It was hard enough to talk him into this beer.
I just don't want him to freak out.
So why did we all chip in for the...
You'll see.
-What's up, homies? -Well, finally!
Happy birthday to you!
You shitheads! Do you really have to yell like that?
People want to get some sleep after working all night in a boiler room!
Hey, man, stop yelling! I'm trying to run a home office here!
Why don't you shove that home office up your ass!
Charging neighbors 150 with a discount?!
You know how long I need to bust my ass in a boiler room to make that much money?!
So this is how beer smells.
No, that's how shit smells. Come on, Piotr. You only turn 18 once!
-Go for it man! -OK, cheers.
And she's like,
"Let me know when you're about to cum 'cause I don't like it."
So I'm like, "Chill, it's a long one..."
-That's how I got the black eye. -Piotras, don't you need to take a leak?
Oh yeah. Gotta take a leak guys.
Now's our chance. Watch if he's not coming back!
-What you wanna do? -Quiet, dude. No time for explanation.
It'll be fun!
Damn bush, all wet over there...
OK, let's drink before the beer gets flat. Ready, steady...
Fucking shit! The fuck you've done...
With all due respect, your rottenness,
but you went behind the tape and knocked the ladder over.
Oh, the pain!
As if someone was pouring a non-alcoholic beverage into my mouth!
You're gonna have to see a doctor.
-Got any insurance? -What insurance?
Lucky you. You'll be paying for treatment on your own.
Boss, boss!
Good day, your motherfuckiness.
Shit, Tomek, what happened to you?
Nothing serious. Just broke my leg.
I know this pain. Hurts as if someone was serving a non-alcoholic--
Tell me why you're here, or I'll cut your balls off.
I've got some news, sir. The first news is that you need to watch the news.
The other is that your car was picked up from the repair shop,
and is parked as usual. No sign of the TV.
Last night an unusual event occurred in Cain Square.
A group of drunken youths celebrating the 18th birthday of one of them
desecrated the statue of our dark Lord Belzebutt.
-We've got a recording of this incident. -You're getting only one more warning.
Get down from the monument! Otherwise we're going to use tear gas!
I'm the king of Hell!
I'm the butt king!
Last warning, butt king!
Get off the statue!
Wow, these are Batman's glasses!
I'm spraying!
I'm Piotr the Invincible--
Bastards!
How could they ruin such a fine monument! I'll show you!
Call the General Assembly, I'll give a speech!
Following the recent shameful misdemeanors
committed by the minors, I am announcing the following.
The prohibition of selling and consuming alcohol in Hell
by persons under 18 years of age has been expanded.
From now on, the legal age for consuming alcohol
is raised from 18 to 21 years of age.
What about cigs?
Yeah, what about them?
The total ban on smoking in Hell
shall continue and it shall also include e-cigarettes!
-Did you hear the noise? -What was it?
Not sure... Sounded like a bang in the garage.
I'd better check it out, you never know…
You think you're so clever. Not this time, you drunkard.
Hello! Anybody here? Hello!
Oh, my dear Bożenka...
Bożenka...
You're not a beauty, but you sure are stupid.
When are you finally going to learn that you will never win?
No way. I'm too cunning for that.
Well, hit it!
-As you wish. Hit it! -Ouch! What was that for, Bożenka?!
I haven't even started.
You've been coming down here every night for the past week,
and you stink of onions afterwards. You think I wouldn't figure out why?
To kill the smell of booze. But it's over now...
Told you I'd heard a bang.
-Attack! -Michał, wait! Look...
-OK, you know the plan, Cyprian? -I do, but this is a stupid idea.
Shit, wanna get wasted today or not?
Shall we?
Morning, ma'am. Gimme half a liter of the cheapest vodka and a coke.
-Here you go. 18 zlotys. -What?
Mister Staś!
Not in this lifetime!
I've got him!
I'll show you!
Never show up your face in here again, you little punk!
Janusz...
you're a genius.
We can't handle any more, just can't.
We're getting more calls on a regular day than we did during the Cheap Booze Days.
There's been so much more of that devil bullshit lately.
Half of the officers are on paid leave!
What a bunch of scared pussies. Boner, please help.
You're our last resort. Your fee must be reasonable, though.
Fine, we will take care of it.
But first we need to find out
what is causing all this sudden horned shit activity around here.
Apparently, they raised the drinking age in Hell.
So the first riddle is solved!
Now we need to figure out how to discourage them
from partying up here on Earth.
I've got it! Domino, can you sing?
Not at all! But I do love doing it.
Which pretty much applies to most performers. Perfect!
DJ ANDREA KINKINELLI LIVE, FREE ADMISSION
ONE VODKA & SPIRIT DRINK INCLUDED WITH TICKET
Chill out, no rush. Take it easy.
There's enough for everyone. One vodka with spirit coming up!
-And for you, sir? -The same!
My heart is bleeding when I see how much booze is being wasted.
Not your problem. You're not paying for it.
That liquor was confiscated from an illegal bottling plant.
So what? It tastes as good as the legal stuff.
Shall we attack?
We're gonna wait till everyone enters the club. Domino!
-Yes, boss? -Get up on that stage!
I'm on it.
Who's got the guts? I'm here for some nuts
Just nuts and that's it 'Cause I got the rest of shit I need!
Grab a bite Not a lot
My nuts may just be too hot
This nut pie is for you, baby A nut love cake, baby
Open up your pie hole Open it really wide
And imagine a wiener inside
How long will it take, boss?
We're running out of free booze and they're gonna kill me soon!
Give us the booze, you thieves!
Chill out!
What about the free drinks included in the ticket price? Fucking hell!
Come on, boss. I'm begging you...
Not yet, not yet...
Now!
And now, ladies and gentlemen, tonight's main attraction!
A foam bath!
We've got a special surprise for you: the foam was made with holy water!
You traitor! You'll die with me!
What the hell?!
Surprised? I got myself desensitized!
Get off the stage!
Ha ha, motherfuckers! That's what you deserve!
Uh-oh.
Fuck! Help me out, boss!
Damn it, I'm out of ammo!
I'm fucked!
I wonder if Marcin and the boss are OK?
Damn it, we're fucked!
Boss, get us out of here
and I promise I'll work for free for like a half a year or so.
Hmm, for free you say?
And those past salaries I owe you?
What past salaries? You owe me nothing, boss!
Now you're talking!
Turns out it won't be so easy.
Good bye, boss. We'll settle this on the other side.
Hope they have an ATM in Heaven.
Here comes father Natan who scares the fuck out of Satan
Say hi to my six-barrel sacred bullet buddy!
Natan? What are you doing here, you stinky wiener?
You'd better give this wiener a big hug for saving your... ass!
I know you like this kind of stuff in your company,
but keep your wiener away from my ass!
Oh, so ungrateful. Next time I should--
Begone, unclean spirit! Get him off me!
Phew. Ok, right. We're even.
I'm not gonna be like that
and I'll just say it: thanks for saving my... ass.
Except I wasn't actually aiming at the devil.
THE END