A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
PROHIBITION FROM HELL
CHEAP LAWN MOWING!
That's me. Marcin Łopian, nineteen years old.
I'm from Pęchery in the municipality of Piaseczno.
Born in Łbiski between Pęchery and Piaseczno.
That's right.
Dad's tractor wasn't fast enough to get us to the hospital in Piaseczno in time.
That's why I have this scar on my cheek.
Manure spreaders are no joke.
You're probably wondering what an assistant to a construction foreman
is doing in the middle of the street with a messed-up face at 3:00 a.m.
Let me emphasize that I'm still at work.
If you guessed that I just got hit in the face with a high kick,
you win a coupon for bupkis with a side of diddly-squat.
But joking aside,
time to regain consciousness, and face the enemy.
That's right. Besides doing construction work,
we're also in the business of fighting dark forces.
My fists are made of shit, you fucking asshole!
-'Scuse me? -And your ugly human face is the toilet,
so surrender now!
Or I'll take a shit on you!
Hyah!
You don't know much about obscur-dicks!
Those aren't my balls! You kicked me in the ass!
Don't move or I'll cut your fucking dick off!
Uh-oh. How do you know where my dick is?
That's Domino.
Yeah, he's a demon, but he's on our side.
He's screwed back in Hell, so he joined our crew a few months back.
He might be terrible at martial arts, but he's also shit at fist-fighting.
Boss! Marcin is in trouble!
Quick, pass me the shotgun!
I'd rather pass a kidney stone than pass you this shotgun.
Hell, I'm not suicidal!
Plus, I need it, there's one more right back here!
And this is our boss.
Bogdan Boner.
Yeah, he's about as good at shooting as Domino is at fighting.
Oh, Jesus.
Good God, not the vodka!
Oh fuck!
Thanks a lot.
Get lost! Can't you see what's happening?
How long can you go without air? Why won't you just fucking die already!
Hey! You first, asshole!
Phew. Thanks, man. That was a close one.
Okay, now give the gun back to the boss.
Or maybe don't. He'll be better off without it.
Why'd I say that?
VODKA WINE BEER 6 AM - 11 PM
Mission accomplished.
Let's head back.
You heard this one?
Milik is such a shitty soccer player that when he gets horny and wants to fuck,
he couldn't even score in a whorehouse!
Who needs to pay for a comedy show
when the boss tells such hilarious jokes!
Speaking of payment, I wanted to ask you, boss,
when exactly do I get my salary?
Your salary, huh? How much do I owe you?
-For the past month or in general? -Why don't we just say for the past month.
It's 1,400 for last month but…
Here, take 1,500 zloty and we can honestly call it even.
Take it easy, Marcin, money isn't everything, you know.
I think what really matters is good humor.
So do you know this one?
The Prime Minister goes to the whorehouse...
Hey, Marcinek, what's your fucking problem?
Oh Christ, Marcin, what have you done? What the hell has possessed you?
You're possessed, right? That's it?
Don't worry, Domino, I'll show you. Let's get back to the store.
Oh damn! What kind of magic is this?
Just because someone looks like the boss and dresses like the boss,
doesn't mean it's actually the boss.
And what do you……want?
Oh no! Only enough for one!
But how, Marcin? What about the boss tipped you off?
The real boss would never have given me my entire salary,
and definitely not without an argument.
It turns out those obscur-dicks are shape-shifting demons
and can even take on human form.
That's one of their biggest and baddest tricks.
It's too bad you didn't give us that information sooner!
It's going to be so fucking awesome, Krzysztof!
It's going to be the party of a lifetime. And look at our supplies!
Twelve cold ones in this bag
and a bottle of liquor in my backpack for dessert!
Shh. Damn it, Bartosz.
-Have you gone fucking nuts? -What?
Don't you dare even think about saying the word "bottle" next to Piotras!
First of all, why worry? He's not here yet.
Oh, that's right.
Piotrek! Move it!
And then second of all, what's the big fucking deal?
The deal is he's never even tried alcohol in his life.
He barely agreed to go for this beer.
I just really don't want him to get spooked.
Then why did we chip in for the...
Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm?
Oh, you'll find out.
Wassup, homies?
Finally.
-And many more on-- -All right, buddy, let's go get wasted!
What's with all the yelling?
Don't you realize some of us work night shifts
at the cauldron boiling humans and need to sleep during the day?
Hey, mister, why are you yelling?
I'm working from home here!
Living at the brothel doesn't mean you work from home!
One fifty an hour after the neighbor discount!
Do you know how many people I have to boil alive to make that kind of money?
Hmm, that's what beer smells like.
No, that's what shit smells like.
Come on, P-Man, your eighteenth birthday only comes once a year.
-What's up? Come on, do it! -All right. Bottoms up.
So she says to me,
"When you're ready to finish, let me know, 'cause I don't like…"
so I say, "Don't worry, Mariola, I'm not close."
And that's how I got this black eye.
-Piotras, don't you have to piss? -What?
Oh, right. Guys, I'm going for a piss.
All right, Bartosz, this is it. Keep an eye out for him.
-What are you planning? -Quiet, homie, no time to explain.
This'll be hilarious.
Damn, that bush is all wet.
Never mind the bush. Let's knock these back before they go flat.
Ready, set…
Fucking shit! Fucking shit! See what you did?
With all due respect, Your Evilness,
but it was you who went behind the tape and knocked over the ladder.
Oh, it hurts so bad.
Like somebody pouring non-alcoholic beer into my face. Aah!
We're going to need a doctor. Do you have health insurance?
No way.
Well, lucky you, then.
You're paying for your own treatment.
Hey, boss! Hey, boss!
Good morning, Your Motherfuckedness.
Oh shit, Tomek, what happened to you?
Not too much, I just broke my right leg.
Oh… I know that pain.
Like somebody pouring non-alcoholic--
Tell me why you're here immediately or I'll have you neutered.
Ah. So I have two pieces of news.
The first one is that you have to turn on the news,
and the second is that the car has been picked up from the shop.
It's parked in its usual spot. There's no sign of the TV.
An unusual event took place last night in the center of Cain Square
where a group of drunken youths
gathered together to celebrate an 18th birthday,
managed to desecrate the statue of our endarkened leader Beelzebutt.
We have a recording of the incident.
Citizen, this is your second to last warning!
Please get off of the statue!
Or we will be forced to use gas on you!
I am the fucking King of Hell!
I am the king of… King of… of Ass!
King of Ass, this is your final warning!
Please get off the statue!
Whoo-hoo!
And Batman's goggles!
Commencing spraying!
Nah! Nah!
Piotras the Invincible!
Damn bastards!
Destroying such a beautiful statue!
I'll show you assholes what's what.
Call the General Assembly at once!
I shall give a speech!
Following the recent shameful crimes committed by these youths,
I am making the following announcement.
The laws concerning the minimum age to buy and consume alcohol
in Hell and all its territories are changing.
From this day forward, the established legal minimum drinking age
in Hell for its citizens will be raised
from a mere eighteen years of age,
to a much more twenty-one years of age.
Wait! What about cigarettes?
Yeah! What about cigarettes?
The total ban on smoking tobacco products and the use of all types of e-cigarettes
will continue to be upheld indefinitely!
Did you hear that, Bożenka?
-What the heck was that? -Don't know.
I think it was a thud in the garage.
I'd better go check it out right now. You never know.
You just think you're so clever, don't you?
Not this time, you old drunk.
Hello? Someone there?
Hello?
Ehh, Bożenka, Bożenka.
Bożenka, Bożenka.
Bożenka may not be much to look at, but does she have the brains?
Also no.
So when will you learn you just can't win against me?
Not a fucking chance.
I'm just too damn cunning for that.
And now it's time to hit the bottle.
So you say you want a hit?
-There you go, you loser! -Ow! Come on, Bożenka!
What was that slap for? I haven't even taken a sip yet!
What for? Every night this week
you've been sneaking out to the garage and coming back stinking of onions.
And all this time you thought I didn't know?
That you were gorging yourself on onions to mask the smell of vodka?
But all that ends right now!
Didn't I tell you there was a thud?
-Yee-haw! Come on, let's go! -Michał, Michał. Michał. Wait.
Look.
Uh-oh.
All right, Cyprian, do you remember everything?
I do, but I still think it's a stupid idea.
Goddamn it, don't you want to get drunk?
Let's do it.
CONSUMPTION OF ALCOHOL ON THE PREMISES PROHIBITED
Hello, I'd like half a liter of your cheapest vodka
and a Coke.
Here you go. That'll be 18 zloty.
Mr. Staś!
Oh, damn it!
I've got him!
I've got him! I've got ahold of him! You little…
I'll show you!
You little shit! Stealing? Stealing?
This one's for you, you son of a gun!
And don't show your face around here again, you little shit!
Janusz!
You are a fucking genius!
EXORCISM AGENCY / CONSTRUCTION AND RENOVATION COMPANY BONER
We can't cope. We just can't cope anymore.
On any given day we have twice as many reports
as we did during our Days of Cheap Alcohol.
There's so much of this devilish crap going on!
And half our officers are on leave. Paid leave!
They are scared, the shitheads.
Help us, Boner. You're our only hope.
Assuming that your fee is reasonable, of course.
All right, yeah, we're gonna take care of it.
But first things first.
We need to try to figure out why there's been such a sudden increase in activity
from those God damned horned bastards.
Apparently, the problem is that Beezlebutt raised the legal drinking age in Hell.
And there's the answer to our first big mystery.
Now the next major issue we need to figure out
is how to keep those demon scum from bring their partying
all the way up here to Earth.
Got it! Say, hey, Domino, can you sing?
Not at all. But I really like it!
Exactly! Pretty much like all singers now.
It's freakin' perfect!
ANDREA BOOBCELLI - CONCERT FREE ENTRY! DRINK INCLUDED - VODKA WITH SPIRIT
Calm down. Slowly. Don't panic.
There's enough liquor for everyone, okay? One vodka with moonshine over there.
And for you?
The same!
STAFF ONLY
It makes my heart weep to see the amount of damn alcohol
that is being fucking wasted here.
Why are you worried?
Are you paying for this?
This has all been confiscated from an illegal distillery.
Hey, so what? It tastes just as wonderful and delicious as legal alcohol.
Should we attack now?
Let's wait until everyone's inside the club.
Hey, Domino.
Yes, boss?
-Get your ass on the stage. -Roger that.
ANDREA BOOBCELLI
Boss, how much longer?
We ran out of the free vodka. They're going to kill me!
Give us our vodka, you thieves!
Please remain calm!
We were supposed to have free drinks included with our tickets, for fuck sake!
Boss, I'm begging you!
Wait for it, wait for it, wait for...
Lock 'em in!
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the main attraction.
Foam party time!
We've got a surprise!
The foam is made out of holy water! Die!
FOAMMASTER 1000 CAUTION
You traitor!
I'm taking you down with me!
-Wait. What the hell? -Ha, ha!
Surprised?
I built up a tolerance!
Get off the stage, shithead!
You fucktards!
This is what you deserve!
Uh-oh.
Oh, holy shit!
Hey, boss, help me!
Shit, goddamn it!
I'm all out of ammo!
Oh crap, I'm gonna die in here!
Shit, I wonder how Marcin and the boss are keeping it together out there.
Oh crap, we're fucking finished!
Boss, if you get us out of this one
I promise you that I'll work every day for free for the next six months!
Hmm. You say you'll work for free?
What about the overdue wages?
Eh…
What overdue wages? Boss, you don't owe me anything, I swear!
You should have said so sooner!
Turns out it won't be that easy.
Goodbye, boss.
We can settle up our deal on the other side.
I certainly hope and pray there's an ATM in Heaven.
Okay, you demon trash from the depths of Hell,
say hello to my little six-barreled friend who shoots sanctified bullets!
Wait, Natan? What are you doing here, you dirty wiener?
You should really be thanking my huge girthy wiener
because I just saved your fu…
…ass.
I know that your company likes that kind of entertainment,
but you better keep your holy wiener away from my ass!
Ehh, ungrateful. Next time…
Get away, you dark entity!
Get him off me!
Phew!
Fine, have it your way. We're even now.
Well, it really pains me to say this to you, Boner,
but thank you for saving my fu…
…ass.
Yeah. Except I wasn't trying to hit the evil demon.
Err…
THE END