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A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
2
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[theme music playing]
3
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THE LAW OF SURPRISE
4
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-[crickets chirping]
-[frogs croaking]
5
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[howling]
6
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[grunting] Boo!
7
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[laughing]
8
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I might have been a regular bum
when I was alive,
9
00:00:32,418 --> 00:00:35,459
but ever since I died,
I've been living like a fucking king!
10
00:00:35,543 --> 00:00:38,751
What the hell am I talking about?
"Like a king?" No, like a royal prince!
11
00:00:38,834 --> 00:00:40,584
What I mean is,
I work like a royal prince.
12
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I live somewhere else.
13
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Yeah, sure, the castle may need a little
makeover here and there, it's true--
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Oh geez!
15
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Oh, fuck me.
16
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Help, I'm stuck.
17
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Someone help me!
18
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-[crickets chirping]
-[frogs croaking]
19
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[ghoul] Help me!
20
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Somebody! Help!
21
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My fishing permit? Okay, Officer,
I'm sure we can work something out.
22
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Ah-ha.
23
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[ghoul] Help!
24
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Anybody! I'm stuck! Help me!
25
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If you keep yelling like that,
you're gonna lose strength sooner.
26
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Grab my hand.
27
00:01:17,543 --> 00:01:20,459
Hey, man, you were so scared
your heart must have stopped.
28
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Your hands are as cold as a corpse.
29
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Wait a minute.
30
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Holy shit, you are a corpse!
31
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You're a fucking ghoul,
you goddamn shithead!
32
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Wait! Please,
you don't have to kill me, okay?
33
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-I've got something better for you.
-Hmm. Okay.
34
00:01:32,376 --> 00:01:34,584
Well, I sure hope for your sake
that whatever it is,
35
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it's at least forty proof
36
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and at the very least
three-quarters of a liter in volume.
37
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It might not be as fucking awesome
as all that,
38
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but I think you should enjoy it.
39
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I don't have all day. Spill it.
40
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Have you heard of the law of surprise?
41
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-Oh hell no.
-It's like this.
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We're gonna head back to my crib right now
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and there, I'm gonna give you
whatever amazing surprise
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that I find there
but did not expect to find. Sound good?
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I'll probably regret this but okay!
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[laughs]
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[dog barking]
48
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[wheels squeaking]
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CHEAP LAWN MOWING!
50
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You can afford a house like that
on a ghoul's salary?
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Are you kidding? I didn't buy it.
52
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My wife is still alive and she's very busy
running a private clinic.
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You've gotta take advantage
of a good thing, right? [laughs]
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[dramatic music plays]
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Olga? What are you doing here?
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Wait, it's housekeeper day today.
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The deal is that
you get something unexpected.
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[flushing]
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Huh, Stasia!
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What are you doing home?
Aren't you on call today?
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Not anymore. I switched with Zenon.
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He's going to the countryside
for the weekend.
63
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Why? Did I mess up all your special plans?
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You didn't expect that, did ya?
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You gotta be kidding me.
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So you mean I have to bang that thing?
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That's the law of surprise.
There's nothing I can do about it.
68
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Therefore, you have to bang Stasia.
69
00:03:04,209 --> 00:03:07,209
You should be glad we didn't get a visit
from the in-laws. With their dog.
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On second thought,
I think I'd rather just fucking kill you.
71
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No way! Even if you kill me,
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leaving this situation now like a coward
means the curse will not be lifted!
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And what exactly will happen?
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Bad luck!
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It will follow you everywhere you go.
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And I don't mean a simple bad break,
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like going to the local liquor store
and buying a six-pack
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and when you get home
you find out the beer is non-alcoholic.
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Goddamn it, dude, stop scaring me!
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You have no idea.
It'll be even worse than that!
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You'll open one of those ridiculous beers
by mistake,
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gulp it down and realize
you're actually starting to like it.
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[sighs]
84
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Okay, fine.
85
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Let's just get it over with now.
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[sensual music playing]
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-Stasia, he's made up his mind.
-Oh, really?
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Yeah! Anyway, I'm leaving you both now,
and you know... [laughs]
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Come, don't be shy. Come here, lover boy.
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My old man isn't much use to me
in bed now.
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[gulping]
92
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Meow! Meow!
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Get on over here, tiger.
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[gulping]
95
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Meo-- [coughing, farting]
96
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Oops! Pardon.
97
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[clears throat] Okay, then.
98
00:04:04,918 --> 00:04:06,084
Make love to me now!
99
00:04:06,709 --> 00:04:11,043
No, fuck that! I'll just add some vodka
to the beer and drink it somehow.
100
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[engine cranking]
101
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See? The curse is already working.
102
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You weak mortal!
Hope you're ready to meet your doom!
103
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Yeah, and what the fuck do you know?
104
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Curse or no curse,
it doesn't start half the time.
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-[engine starts]
-There, ya see? Later!
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Phew, I'm safe.
107
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Stupid dumb prick almost got me to believe
108
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in all this superstition nonsense
about surprises and bad luck.
109
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It would have been bad luck
to bang that disgusting whale.
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Oh shit-balls!
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[brakes screeching]
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Good evening. I'm junior sergeant Tits.
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Uh, uh, I mean, Fitz.
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Sobriety testing.
115
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Please blow into this device
for ten seconds until it starts beeping.
116
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[Boner sighs] Was that dumb prick
telling the truth after all?
117
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Nah, just a coincidence.
118
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As long as I don't let myself believe
that stuff, nothing bad will happen.
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[blowing]
120
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[Domino] Yeah? Watch out! Boom!
121
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A Jack of Clubs! Macau! I'm calling nines!
122
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EXORCISM AGENCY / CONSTRUCTION
AND RENOVATION COMPANY BONER
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[Marcin] Yeah?
124
00:05:16,709 --> 00:05:18,793
You really gotta be more careful!
125
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Slam! Another Jack!
Macau! I'm calling tens!
126
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[laughs]
127
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You loser! Queen matches anything.
128
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Anything goes, you dickhead. I'm done.
129
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-Hey, Domino, you can't do that!
-Yeah? And who says so?
130
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Yeah, well, the rules are what say so!
131
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First of all, you play to be winner,
132
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and then second of all…
133
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Put your hands up, you asshole!
134
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Domino, hey, what the heck?
I thought you and I were best buddies!
135
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I'm afraid not.
136
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No friends in games!
137
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No fucking driver's license
for three whole months!
138
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[grunts] Goddamn it!
139
00:05:52,376 --> 00:05:54,959
Oh crap! Sorry, boss.
I just wanted to scare Marcinek.
140
00:05:55,043 --> 00:05:57,293
It was just bad luck
you came in right at that moment.
141
00:05:57,376 --> 00:06:00,793
How many times do I have to tell you?
I don't have bad luck!
142
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[clanks]
143
00:06:02,043 --> 00:06:03,209
[groans]
144
00:06:03,959 --> 00:06:07,626
If anyone else even mentions bad luck,
I'm gonna smack 'em.
145
00:06:07,709 --> 00:06:11,334
No, boss. I just wanted to tell you
that we had a new job come in.
146
00:06:11,418 --> 00:06:15,376
Looks like we're going to have to go
check out a haunted VHS rental store.
147
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[sinister music plays]
148
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KEWL VIDEO
OPEN MON-SUN 10 AM-11 PM
149
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[male voice] Luki, isn't my plan sweet?
150
00:06:20,293 --> 00:06:21,626
We won't have to hunt for victims,
151
00:06:21,709 --> 00:06:24,709
'cause they'll be coming straight to us
and we'll make cash from the rentals!
152
00:06:24,793 --> 00:06:26,876
[Luki] I'm not sure, Szczepan,
I'm not sure.
153
00:06:26,959 --> 00:06:28,543
Who rents videotapes nowadays?
154
00:06:28,626 --> 00:06:29,959
Well, probably no one.
155
00:06:30,043 --> 00:06:32,959
but we'll have fun watching
all these great new flicks, my man!
156
00:06:33,043 --> 00:06:36,084
Szczepan, get your head out of your ass!
What new releases?
157
00:06:36,168 --> 00:06:38,334
The newest we have
are Gladiator and Titanic!
158
00:06:38,418 --> 00:06:40,959
And those movies have been on TV
like 50,000 times.
159
00:06:41,043 --> 00:06:45,084
Who the hell decided it was a good idea
to put all my life savings,
160
00:06:45,168 --> 00:06:47,501
and I've been alive for like 600 years,
161
00:06:47,584 --> 00:06:49,793
into this shitty, fucking business?
162
00:06:49,876 --> 00:06:51,751
What are you saying? I did!
163
00:06:51,834 --> 00:06:54,459
I told you I'll take really good care
of you, Luki.
164
00:06:54,543 --> 00:06:55,834
Holy fucking shit-balls, amazing!
165
00:06:55,918 --> 00:06:57,668
You know, Luki,
you better pinch me right now.
166
00:06:57,751 --> 00:07:00,251
Or better yet fucking smack my dumb ass
as hard as you can
167
00:07:00,334 --> 00:07:01,543
'cause I'm having a wet dream!
168
00:07:01,626 --> 00:07:02,543
A customer!
169
00:07:02,626 --> 00:07:04,459
-I think he's about to come inside.
-He what?
170
00:07:04,543 --> 00:07:06,751
All right, Luki, stay calm.
Let him rent something first.
171
00:07:06,834 --> 00:07:09,459
And then after that
we can suck his sweet juicy blood!
172
00:07:09,543 --> 00:07:10,793
[door opens, closes]
173
00:07:10,876 --> 00:07:12,126
-Hi there.
-Hi there.
174
00:07:12,209 --> 00:07:14,126
Hello, sir. Come in, sir.
How can we help you?
175
00:07:14,209 --> 00:07:17,209
I'm here to sign up
for the VIP rental membership program.
176
00:07:17,293 --> 00:07:19,043
Two pieces of photo ID, please.
177
00:07:19,126 --> 00:07:23,209
You must be a resident of Piaseczno,
and a hundred złoty deposit will apply.
178
00:07:23,293 --> 00:07:25,293
[suspicious music playing]
179
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More requirements than a loan application.
180
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-Here you go.
-Thank you, sir.
181
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Browse around the store a little while
I get you your membership card ready.
182
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PORN
183
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Mmm.
184
00:07:49,126 --> 00:07:50,043
Oh, Jesus!
185
00:07:50,126 --> 00:07:52,418
All right, Marcinek, you can move in.
186
00:07:52,501 --> 00:07:54,168
-[rattling]
-What's with this stupid radio?
187
00:07:54,251 --> 00:07:57,043
-Don't tell me the battery's dead. [grunt]
-[clattering]
188
00:07:57,126 --> 00:07:58,001
Are we going in?
189
00:07:58,084 --> 00:08:00,709
No, we're waiting
for the boss's radio signal.
190
00:08:03,709 --> 00:08:05,293
I heard a shot! Let's go in!
191
00:08:05,376 --> 00:08:07,209
We're still waiting for his signal.
192
00:08:09,668 --> 00:08:13,126
[laughs] Look at this, Szczepan,
it's a regular lead bullet.
193
00:08:13,209 --> 00:08:14,334
[laughs]
194
00:08:14,418 --> 00:08:16,709
He must want us to die
laughing our asses off!
195
00:08:16,793 --> 00:08:18,584
Marcinek, Domino, you idiots!
196
00:08:18,668 --> 00:08:21,376
When the fuck
are you two going to figure this out?
197
00:08:22,043 --> 00:08:24,334
It's hilarious, Luki! Regular bullets!
198
00:08:24,418 --> 00:08:25,459
[both laugh]
199
00:08:26,626 --> 00:08:29,418
You see this idiot, Luki?
He thinks there's cash in the register.
200
00:08:29,501 --> 00:08:32,959
Ha! Dude, what are you thinking?
Nobody rents videotapes anymore, my man!
201
00:08:33,043 --> 00:08:34,709
I'm really not looking for cash.
202
00:08:34,793 --> 00:08:36,626
Ah, I know what he's up to.
203
00:08:36,709 --> 00:08:39,626
He's gonna turn off the movie
and wait until we die of boredom.
204
00:08:41,334 --> 00:08:44,334
Get your fucking asses in here,
you morons. They're vampires!
205
00:08:44,418 --> 00:08:45,709
And bring the stuff too!
206
00:08:45,793 --> 00:08:48,334
Oh crap, Szczepan,
he's calling for backup.
207
00:08:48,418 --> 00:08:49,459
Go! Attack now!
208
00:08:49,543 --> 00:08:50,543
[gun fires]
209
00:08:50,626 --> 00:08:53,334
[laughs] I can't with those bullets.
210
00:08:53,418 --> 00:08:54,543
[yelling] What?
211
00:08:54,626 --> 00:08:55,543
[sinister music plays]
212
00:08:55,626 --> 00:08:56,918
Okay, don't move or--
213
00:08:57,001 --> 00:08:58,793
Um… Or you will regret it!
214
00:08:58,876 --> 00:09:00,751
-What's a demon doing here?
-Doesn't matter.
215
00:09:00,834 --> 00:09:01,959
Follow my lead. Let's go.
216
00:09:02,043 --> 00:09:03,709
You're all done for!
217
00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:05,626
You little-- [hissing]
218
00:09:10,126 --> 00:09:11,918
No, Luki. No!
219
00:09:12,001 --> 00:09:14,501
Don't worry, my old friend!
I swear I will avenge you!
220
00:09:14,584 --> 00:09:15,543
[growling]
221
00:09:15,626 --> 00:09:16,709
[blowing air]
222
00:09:16,793 --> 00:09:18,668
[laughs] It's the oldest trick
in the book.
223
00:09:18,751 --> 00:09:20,584
But I won't fall for that, dickhead demon.
224
00:09:20,668 --> 00:09:22,626
The stench from your mouth
won't fucking scare me.
225
00:09:22,709 --> 00:09:25,876
I grew up in Medieval times.
They didn't have toothpaste back then.
226
00:09:25,959 --> 00:09:27,709
Wait a minute. [sniffing]
227
00:09:27,793 --> 00:09:29,543
You haven't been eating raw garlic,
have you?
228
00:09:30,209 --> 00:09:32,626
Oh, you motherfucking sneaky Judas!
229
00:09:37,459 --> 00:09:38,959
Phew! Well, we did it.
230
00:09:39,043 --> 00:09:42,584
Good deal. Let's see the mayor,
get paid, and crash for the day.
231
00:09:44,709 --> 00:09:46,251
-[thuds]
-[grunts]
232
00:09:46,876 --> 00:09:47,918
Okay, fine.
233
00:09:48,001 --> 00:09:49,834
Time to end this bad luck bullshit.
234
00:09:49,918 --> 00:09:51,918
[upbeat music playing]
235
00:09:53,209 --> 00:09:55,793
-[dog barking]
-[wheels squeaking]
236
00:10:09,626 --> 00:10:12,418
Dammit, why'd we even come here
in the first place?
237
00:10:12,501 --> 00:10:14,584
And why'd the boss get so wasted too?
238
00:10:14,668 --> 00:10:16,543
I mean, him getting drunk
isn't a new thing,
239
00:10:16,626 --> 00:10:19,168
but he let me drive
and told me to go to the gas station
240
00:10:19,251 --> 00:10:20,543
and get a box of condoms.
241
00:10:20,626 --> 00:10:22,126
That's a little suspicious to me.
242
00:10:22,209 --> 00:10:24,876
-Wait, that's him.
-Oh man, he's really shitfaced.
243
00:10:24,959 --> 00:10:26,793
He must've drunk more inside.
244
00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:28,043
Oh crap, boss, watch out!
245
00:10:28,126 --> 00:10:29,793
-[horn blaring]
-[grunts]
246
00:10:29,876 --> 00:10:31,459
Oh fuck! My God!
247
00:10:31,543 --> 00:10:33,376
That was a close call.
He actually survived.
248
00:10:33,459 --> 00:10:35,459
Now that's some fucking good luck.
249
00:10:35,543 --> 00:10:37,043
Boss, I have no clue how you did it,
250
00:10:37,126 --> 00:10:40,126
but it looks like
bad luck can go and kiss your ass, now.
251
00:10:40,209 --> 00:10:41,168
Just fucking drive.
252
00:10:41,251 --> 00:10:43,084
-To the office?
-To a liquor store.
253
00:10:43,168 --> 00:10:44,126
[body thuds]
254
00:10:45,543 --> 00:10:46,376
THE END
255
00:10:46,459 --> 00:10:48,584
[in Polish]
♪ Exorcist for less than three hundred ♪
256
00:10:48,668 --> 00:10:51,709
♪ Actually, it's two hundred
If you want a bill, it'll cost you more ♪
257
00:10:51,793 --> 00:10:54,876
♪ Watch it, Beelzebutt
You're gonna get your ass kicked ♪
258
00:10:54,959 --> 00:10:58,001
♪ Watch it, Buttcifer
He's aiming at you ♪
259
00:10:58,084 --> 00:11:02,418
[malevolent laugh]