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A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
2
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THE LAW OF SURPRISE
3
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Boo!
4
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I might have been a regular bum
when I was alive,
5
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but ever since I died,
I've been living like a fucking king!
6
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What the hell am I talking about?
"Like a king?" No, like a royal prince!
7
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What I mean is,
I work like a royal prince.
8
00:00:40,668 --> 00:00:41,751
I live somewhere else.
9
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Yeah, sure, the castle may need a little
makeover here and there, it's true--
10
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Oh geez!
11
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Oh, fuck me.
12
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Help, I'm stuck.
13
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Someone help me!
14
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Help me!
15
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Somebody! Help!
16
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My fishing permit? Okay, Officer,
I'm sure we can work something out.
17
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Ah-ha.
18
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Help!
19
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Anybody! I'm stuck! Help me!
20
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If you keep yelling like that,
you're gonna lose strength sooner.
21
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Grab my hand.
22
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Hey, man, you were so scared
your heart must have stopped.
23
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Your hands are as cold as a corpse.
24
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Wait a minute.
25
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Holy shit, you are a corpse!
26
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You're a fucking ghoul,
you goddamn shithead!
27
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Wait! Please,
you don't have to kill me, okay?
28
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-I've got something better for you.
-Hmm. Okay.
29
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Well, I sure hope for your sake
that whatever it is,
30
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it's at least forty proof
31
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and at the very least
three-quarters of a liter in volume.
32
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It might not be as fucking awesome
as all that,
33
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but I think you should enjoy it.
34
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I don't have all day. Spill it.
35
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Have you heard of the law of surprise?
36
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-Oh hell no.
-It's like this.
37
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We're gonna head back to my crib right now
38
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and there, I'm gonna give you
whatever amazing surprise
39
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that I find there
but did not expect to find. Sound good?
40
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I'll probably regret this but okay!
41
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CHEAP LAWN MOWING!
42
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You can afford a house like that
on a ghoul's salary?
43
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Are you kidding? I didn't buy it.
44
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My wife is still alive and she's very busy
running a private clinic.
45
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You've gotta take advantage
of a good thing, right?
46
00:02:32,251 --> 00:02:34,334
Olga? What are you doing here?
47
00:02:34,876 --> 00:02:36,584
Wait, it's housekeeper day today.
48
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The deal is that
you get something unexpected.
49
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Huh, Stasia!
50
00:02:45,918 --> 00:02:48,043
What are you doing home?
Aren't you on call today?
51
00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:50,001
Not anymore. I switched with Zenon.
52
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He's going to the countryside
for the weekend.
53
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Why? Did I mess up all your special plans?
54
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You didn't expect that, did ya?
55
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You gotta be kidding me.
56
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So you mean I have to bang that thing?
57
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That's the law of surprise.
There's nothing I can do about it.
58
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Therefore, you have to bang Stasia.
59
00:03:04,209 --> 00:03:07,209
You should be glad we didn't get a visit
from the in-laws. With their dog.
60
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On second thought,
I think I'd rather just fucking kill you.
61
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No way! Even if you kill me,
62
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leaving this situation now like a coward
means the curse will not be lifted!
63
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And what exactly will happen?
64
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Bad luck!
65
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It will follow you everywhere you go.
66
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And I don't mean a simple bad break,
67
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like going to the local liquor store
and buying a six-pack
68
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and when you get home
you find out the beer is non-alcoholic.
69
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Goddamn it, dude, stop scaring me!
70
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You have no idea.
It'll be even worse than that!
71
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You'll open one of those ridiculous beers
by mistake,
72
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gulp it down and realize
you're actually starting to like it.
73
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Okay, fine.
74
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Let's just get it over with now.
75
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-Stasia, he's made up his mind.
-Oh, really?
76
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Yeah! Anyway, I'm leaving you both now,
and you know...
77
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Come, don't be shy. Come here, lover boy.
78
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My old man isn't much use to me
in bed now.
79
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Meow! Meow!
80
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Get on over here, tiger.
81
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Meo--
82
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Oops! Pardon.
83
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Okay, then.
84
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Make love to me now!
85
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No, fuck that! I'll just add some vodka
to the beer and drink it somehow.
86
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See? The curse is already working.
87
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You weak mortal!
Hope you're ready to meet your doom!
88
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Yeah, and what the fuck do you know?
89
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Curse or no curse,
it doesn't start half the time.
90
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There, ya see? Later!
91
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Phew, I'm safe.
92
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Stupid dumb prick almost got me to believe
93
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in all this superstition nonsense
about surprises and bad luck.
94
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It would have been bad luck
to bang that disgusting whale.
95
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Oh shit-balls!
96
00:04:50,918 --> 00:04:53,084
Good evening. I'm junior sergeant Tits.
97
00:04:53,168 --> 00:04:54,501
Uh, uh, I mean, Fitz.
98
00:04:54,584 --> 00:04:55,418
Sobriety testing.
99
00:04:55,501 --> 00:04:58,126
Please blow into this device
for ten seconds until it starts beeping.
100
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Was that dumb prick
telling the truth after all?
101
00:05:02,001 --> 00:05:03,293
Nah, just a coincidence.
102
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As long as I don't let myself believe
that stuff, nothing bad will happen.
103
00:05:08,543 --> 00:05:11,168
Yeah? Watch out! Boom!
104
00:05:11,251 --> 00:05:13,543
A Jack of Clubs! Macau! I'm calling nines!
105
00:05:13,626 --> 00:05:15,668
EXORCISM AGENCY / CONSTRUCTION
AND RENOVATION COMPANY BONER
106
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Yeah?
107
00:05:16,709 --> 00:05:18,793
You really gotta be more careful!
108
00:05:18,876 --> 00:05:23,209
Slam! Another Jack!
Macau! I'm calling tens!
109
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You loser! Queen matches anything.
110
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Anything goes, you dickhead. I'm done.
111
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-Hey, Domino, you can't do that!
-Yeah? And who says so?
112
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Yeah, well, the rules are what say so!
113
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First of all, you play to be winner,
114
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and then second of all…
115
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Put your hands up, you asshole!
116
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Domino, hey, what the heck?
I thought you and I were best buddies!
117
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I'm afraid not.
118
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No friends in games!
119
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No fucking driver's license
for three whole months!
120
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Goddamn it!
121
00:05:52,376 --> 00:05:54,959
Oh crap! Sorry, boss.
I just wanted to scare Marcinek.
122
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It was just bad luck
you came in right at that moment.
123
00:05:57,376 --> 00:06:00,793
How many times do I have to tell you?
I don't have bad luck!
124
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If anyone else even mentions bad luck,
I'm gonna smack 'em.
125
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No, boss. I just wanted to tell you
that we had a new job come in.
126
00:06:11,418 --> 00:06:15,376
Looks like we're going to have to go
check out a haunted VHS rental store.
127
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KEWL VIDEO
OPEN MON-SUN 10 AM-11 PM
128
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Luki, isn't my plan sweet?
129
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We won't have to hunt for victims,
130
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'cause they'll be coming straight to us
and we'll make cash from the rentals!
131
00:06:24,793 --> 00:06:26,876
I'm not sure, Szczepan,
I'm not sure.
132
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Who rents videotapes nowadays?
133
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Well, probably no one.
134
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but we'll have fun watching
all these great new flicks, my man!
135
00:06:33,043 --> 00:06:36,084
Szczepan, get your head out of your ass!
What new releases?
136
00:06:36,168 --> 00:06:38,334
The newest we have
are Gladiator and Titanic!
137
00:06:38,418 --> 00:06:40,959
And those movies have been on TV
like 50,000 times.
138
00:06:41,043 --> 00:06:45,084
Who the hell decided it was a good idea
to put all my life savings,
139
00:06:45,168 --> 00:06:47,501
and I've been alive for like 600 years,
140
00:06:47,584 --> 00:06:49,793
into this shitty, fucking business?
141
00:06:49,876 --> 00:06:51,751
What are you saying? I did!
142
00:06:51,834 --> 00:06:54,459
I told you I'll take really good care
of you, Luki.
143
00:06:54,543 --> 00:06:55,834
Holy fucking shit-balls, amazing!
144
00:06:55,918 --> 00:06:57,668
You know, Luki,
you better pinch me right now.
145
00:06:57,751 --> 00:07:00,251
Or better yet fucking smack my dumb ass
as hard as you can
146
00:07:00,334 --> 00:07:01,543
'cause I'm having a wet dream!
147
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A customer!
148
00:07:02,626 --> 00:07:04,459
-I think he's about to come inside.
-He what?
149
00:07:04,543 --> 00:07:06,751
All right, Luki, stay calm.
Let him rent something first.
150
00:07:06,834 --> 00:07:09,459
And then after that
we can suck his sweet juicy blood!
151
00:07:10,876 --> 00:07:12,126
-Hi there.
-Hi there.
152
00:07:12,209 --> 00:07:14,126
Hello, sir. Come in, sir.
How can we help you?
153
00:07:14,209 --> 00:07:17,209
I'm here to sign up
for the VIP rental membership program.
154
00:07:17,293 --> 00:07:19,043
Two pieces of photo ID, please.
155
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You must be a resident of Piaseczno,
and a hundred złoty deposit will apply.
156
00:07:26,209 --> 00:07:28,459
More requirements than a loan application.
157
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-Here you go.
-Thank you, sir.
158
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Browse around the store a little while
I get you your membership card ready.
159
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PORN
160
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Mmm.
161
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Oh, Jesus!
162
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All right, Marcinek, you can move in.
163
00:07:52,501 --> 00:07:54,168
What's with this stupid radio?
164
00:07:54,251 --> 00:07:57,043
Don't tell me the battery's dead.
165
00:07:57,126 --> 00:07:58,001
Are we going in?
166
00:07:58,084 --> 00:08:00,709
No, we're waiting
for the boss's radio signal.
167
00:08:03,709 --> 00:08:05,293
I heard a shot! Let's go in!
168
00:08:05,376 --> 00:08:07,209
We're still waiting for his signal.
169
00:08:09,668 --> 00:08:13,126
Look at this, Szczepan,
it's a regular lead bullet.
170
00:08:14,418 --> 00:08:16,709
He must want us to die
laughing our asses off!
171
00:08:16,793 --> 00:08:18,584
Marcinek, Domino, you idiots!
172
00:08:18,668 --> 00:08:21,376
When the fuck
are you two going to figure this out?
173
00:08:22,043 --> 00:08:24,334
It's hilarious, Luki! Regular bullets!
174
00:08:26,626 --> 00:08:29,418
You see this idiot, Luki?
He thinks there's cash in the register.
175
00:08:29,501 --> 00:08:32,959
Ha! Dude, what are you thinking?
Nobody rents videotapes anymore, my man!
176
00:08:33,043 --> 00:08:34,709
I'm really not looking for cash.
177
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Ah, I know what he's up to.
178
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He's gonna turn off the movie
and wait until we die of boredom.
179
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Get your fucking asses in here,
you morons. They're vampires!
180
00:08:44,418 --> 00:08:45,709
And bring the stuff too!
181
00:08:45,793 --> 00:08:48,334
Oh crap, Szczepan,
he's calling for backup.
182
00:08:48,418 --> 00:08:49,459
Go! Attack now!
183
00:08:50,626 --> 00:08:53,334
I can't with those bullets.
184
00:08:53,418 --> 00:08:54,543
What?
185
00:08:55,626 --> 00:08:56,918
Okay, don't move or--
186
00:08:57,001 --> 00:08:58,793
Um… Or you will regret it!
187
00:08:58,876 --> 00:09:00,751
-What's a demon doing here?
-Doesn't matter.
188
00:09:00,834 --> 00:09:01,959
Follow my lead. Let's go.
189
00:09:02,043 --> 00:09:03,709
You're all done for!
190
00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:05,626
You little--
191
00:09:10,126 --> 00:09:11,918
No, Luki. No!
192
00:09:12,001 --> 00:09:14,501
Don't worry, my old friend!
I swear I will avenge you!
193
00:09:16,793 --> 00:09:18,668
It's the oldest trick
in the book.
194
00:09:18,751 --> 00:09:20,584
But I won't fall for that, dickhead demon.
195
00:09:20,668 --> 00:09:22,626
The stench from your mouth
won't fucking scare me.
196
00:09:22,709 --> 00:09:25,876
I grew up in Medieval times.
They didn't have toothpaste back then.
197
00:09:25,959 --> 00:09:27,709
Wait a minute.
198
00:09:27,793 --> 00:09:29,543
You haven't been eating raw garlic,
have you?
199
00:09:30,209 --> 00:09:32,626
Oh, you motherfucking sneaky Judas!
200
00:09:37,459 --> 00:09:38,959
Phew! Well, we did it.
201
00:09:39,043 --> 00:09:42,584
Good deal. Let's see the mayor,
get paid, and crash for the day.
202
00:09:46,876 --> 00:09:47,918
Okay, fine.
203
00:09:48,001 --> 00:09:49,834
Time to end this bad luck bullshit.
204
00:10:09,626 --> 00:10:12,418
Dammit, why'd we even come here
in the first place?
205
00:10:12,501 --> 00:10:14,584
And why'd the boss get so wasted too?
206
00:10:14,668 --> 00:10:16,543
I mean, him getting drunk
isn't a new thing,
207
00:10:16,626 --> 00:10:19,168
but he let me drive
and told me to go to the gas station
208
00:10:19,251 --> 00:10:20,543
and get a box of condoms.
209
00:10:20,626 --> 00:10:22,126
That's a little suspicious to me.
210
00:10:22,209 --> 00:10:24,876
-Wait, that's him.
-Oh man, he's really shitfaced.
211
00:10:24,959 --> 00:10:26,793
He must've drunk more inside.
212
00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:28,043
Oh crap, boss, watch out!
213
00:10:29,876 --> 00:10:31,459
Oh fuck! My God!
214
00:10:31,543 --> 00:10:33,376
That was a close call.
He actually survived.
215
00:10:33,459 --> 00:10:35,459
Now that's some fucking good luck.
216
00:10:35,543 --> 00:10:37,043
Boss, I have no clue how you did it,
217
00:10:37,126 --> 00:10:40,126
but it looks like
bad luck can go and kiss your ass, now.
218
00:10:40,209 --> 00:10:41,168
Just fucking drive.
219
00:10:41,251 --> 00:10:43,084
-To the office?
-To a liquor store.
220
00:10:45,543 --> 00:10:46,376
THE END