A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
THE LAW OF SURPRISE
Boo!
I might have been a regular bum when I was alive,
but ever since I died, I've been living like a fucking king!
What the hell am I talking about? "Like a king?" No, like a royal prince!
What I mean is, I work like a royal prince.
I live somewhere else.
Yeah, sure, the castle may need a little makeover here and there, it's true--
Oh geez!
Oh, fuck me.
Help, I'm stuck.
Someone help me!
Help me!
Somebody! Help!
My fishing permit? Okay, Officer, I'm sure we can work something out.
Ah-ha.
Help!
Anybody! I'm stuck! Help me!
If you keep yelling like that, you're gonna lose strength sooner.
Grab my hand.
Hey, man, you were so scared your heart must have stopped.
Your hands are as cold as a corpse.
Wait a minute.
Holy shit, you are a corpse!
You're a fucking ghoul, you goddamn shithead!
Wait! Please, you don't have to kill me, okay?
-I've got something better for you. -Hmm. Okay.
Well, I sure hope for your sake that whatever it is,
it's at least forty proof
and at the very least three-quarters of a liter in volume.
It might not be as fucking awesome as all that,
but I think you should enjoy it.
I don't have all day. Spill it.
Have you heard of the law of surprise?
-Oh hell no. -It's like this.
We're gonna head back to my crib right now
and there, I'm gonna give you whatever amazing surprise
that I find there but did not expect to find. Sound good?
I'll probably regret this but okay!
CHEAP LAWN MOWING!
You can afford a house like that on a ghoul's salary?
Are you kidding? I didn't buy it.
My wife is still alive and she's very busy running a private clinic.
You've gotta take advantage of a good thing, right?
Olga? What are you doing here?
Wait, it's housekeeper day today.
The deal is that you get something unexpected.
Huh, Stasia!
What are you doing home? Aren't you on call today?
Not anymore. I switched with Zenon.
He's going to the countryside for the weekend.
Why? Did I mess up all your special plans?
You didn't expect that, did ya?
You gotta be kidding me.
So you mean I have to bang that thing?
That's the law of surprise. There's nothing I can do about it.
Therefore, you have to bang Stasia.
You should be glad we didn't get a visit from the in-laws. With their dog.
On second thought, I think I'd rather just fucking kill you.
No way! Even if you kill me,
leaving this situation now like a coward means the curse will not be lifted!
And what exactly will happen?
Bad luck!
It will follow you everywhere you go.
And I don't mean a simple bad break,
like going to the local liquor store and buying a six-pack
and when you get home you find out the beer is non-alcoholic.
Goddamn it, dude, stop scaring me!
You have no idea. It'll be even worse than that!
You'll open one of those ridiculous beers by mistake,
gulp it down and realize you're actually starting to like it.
Okay, fine.
Let's just get it over with now.
-Stasia, he's made up his mind. -Oh, really?
Yeah! Anyway, I'm leaving you both now, and you know...
Come, don't be shy. Come here, lover boy.
My old man isn't much use to me in bed now.
Meow! Meow!
Get on over here, tiger.
Meo--
Oops! Pardon.
Okay, then.
Make love to me now!
No, fuck that! I'll just add some vodka to the beer and drink it somehow.
See? The curse is already working.
You weak mortal! Hope you're ready to meet your doom!
Yeah, and what the fuck do you know?
Curse or no curse, it doesn't start half the time.
There, ya see? Later!
Phew, I'm safe.
Stupid dumb prick almost got me to believe
in all this superstition nonsense about surprises and bad luck.
It would have been bad luck to bang that disgusting whale.
Oh shit-balls!
Good evening. I'm junior sergeant Tits.
Uh, uh, I mean, Fitz.
Sobriety testing.
Please blow into this device for ten seconds until it starts beeping.
Was that dumb prick telling the truth after all?
Nah, just a coincidence.
As long as I don't let myself believe that stuff, nothing bad will happen.
Yeah? Watch out! Boom!
A Jack of Clubs! Macau! I'm calling nines!
EXORCISM AGENCY / CONSTRUCTION AND RENOVATION COMPANY BONER
Yeah?
You really gotta be more careful!
Slam! Another Jack! Macau! I'm calling tens!
You loser! Queen matches anything.
Anything goes, you dickhead. I'm done.
-Hey, Domino, you can't do that! -Yeah? And who says so?
Yeah, well, the rules are what say so!
First of all, you play to be winner,
and then second of all…
Put your hands up, you asshole!
Domino, hey, what the heck? I thought you and I were best buddies!
I'm afraid not.
No friends in games!
No fucking driver's license for three whole months!
Goddamn it!
Oh crap! Sorry, boss. I just wanted to scare Marcinek.
It was just bad luck you came in right at that moment.
How many times do I have to tell you? I don't have bad luck!
If anyone else even mentions bad luck, I'm gonna smack 'em.
No, boss. I just wanted to tell you that we had a new job come in.
Looks like we're going to have to go check out a haunted VHS rental store.
KEWL VIDEO OPEN MON-SUN 10 AM-11 PM
Luki, isn't my plan sweet?
We won't have to hunt for victims,
'cause they'll be coming straight to us and we'll make cash from the rentals!
I'm not sure, Szczepan, I'm not sure.
Who rents videotapes nowadays?
Well, probably no one.
but we'll have fun watching all these great new flicks, my man!
Szczepan, get your head out of your ass! What new releases?
The newest we have are Gladiator and Titanic!
And those movies have been on TV like 50,000 times.
Who the hell decided it was a good idea to put all my life savings,
and I've been alive for like 600 years,
into this shitty, fucking business?
What are you saying? I did!
I told you I'll take really good care of you, Luki.
Holy fucking shit-balls, amazing!
You know, Luki, you better pinch me right now.
Or better yet fucking smack my dumb ass as hard as you can
'cause I'm having a wet dream!
A customer!
-I think he's about to come inside. -He what?
All right, Luki, stay calm. Let him rent something first.
And then after that we can suck his sweet juicy blood!
-Hi there. -Hi there.
Hello, sir. Come in, sir. How can we help you?
I'm here to sign up for the VIP rental membership program.
Two pieces of photo ID, please.
You must be a resident of Piaseczno, and a hundred złoty deposit will apply.
More requirements than a loan application.
-Here you go. -Thank you, sir.
Browse around the store a little while I get you your membership card ready.
PORN
Mmm.
Oh, Jesus!
All right, Marcinek, you can move in.
What's with this stupid radio?
Don't tell me the battery's dead.
Are we going in?
No, we're waiting for the boss's radio signal.
I heard a shot! Let's go in!
We're still waiting for his signal.
Look at this, Szczepan, it's a regular lead bullet.
He must want us to die laughing our asses off!
Marcinek, Domino, you idiots!
When the fuck are you two going to figure this out?
It's hilarious, Luki! Regular bullets!
You see this idiot, Luki? He thinks there's cash in the register.
Ha! Dude, what are you thinking? Nobody rents videotapes anymore, my man!
I'm really not looking for cash.
Ah, I know what he's up to.
He's gonna turn off the movie and wait until we die of boredom.
Get your fucking asses in here, you morons. They're vampires!
And bring the stuff too!
Oh crap, Szczepan, he's calling for backup.
Go! Attack now!
I can't with those bullets.
What?
Okay, don't move or--
Um… Or you will regret it!
-What's a demon doing here? -Doesn't matter.
Follow my lead. Let's go.
You're all done for!
You little--
No, Luki. No!
Don't worry, my old friend! I swear I will avenge you!
It's the oldest trick in the book.
But I won't fall for that, dickhead demon.
The stench from your mouth won't fucking scare me.
I grew up in Medieval times. They didn't have toothpaste back then.
Wait a minute.
You haven't been eating raw garlic, have you?
Oh, you motherfucking sneaky Judas!
Phew! Well, we did it.
Good deal. Let's see the mayor, get paid, and crash for the day.
Okay, fine.
Time to end this bad luck bullshit.
Dammit, why'd we even come here in the first place?
And why'd the boss get so wasted too?
I mean, him getting drunk isn't a new thing,
but he let me drive and told me to go to the gas station
and get a box of condoms.
That's a little suspicious to me.
-Wait, that's him. -Oh man, he's really shitfaced.
He must've drunk more inside.
Oh crap, boss, watch out!
Oh fuck! My God!
That was a close call. He actually survived.
Now that's some fucking good luck.
Boss, I have no clue how you did it,
but it looks like bad luck can go and kiss your ass, now.
Just fucking drive.
-To the office? -To a liquor store.
THE END