A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
[theme music playing]
All right, morons. Pop quiz. Which one of you guys is going to tell me
if I can add some sand in with this here plastering mix?
ANTICHRISTOSAURUS
-You can. -[sighs]
What does the other moron say?
Well, for me, I'm gonna say you can't.
Neither the first moron nor the second idiot-moron were even remotely correct.
Can you add sand to plaster?
Correct answer to the question is, it depends, you morons!
On who you're working for.
If you're working for yourself, then you better fucking not,
because you'd mess up the plaster.
It's a whole different matter if it's for some other loser.
It’s actually recommended.
That way, we save money on materials while also cheating the customer
at the same time.
So in this situation, should we add the sand or not?
-[both] I think we should. -So what are you waiting for, nitwits?
-We don't have any sand around here. -Soil works, too.
Ah, the wonders of construction…
The pay may be really shitty, but at least it pays the bills.
Shame that lately we've had as many gigs as Domino has brain cells.
Is it any wonder? They're afraid of showing up around here
after what happened at the last mission at the club.
We've killed a few hundred of those demons.
Though we did kind of screw up
charging just 200 for the whole bunch of evil creeps.
You know what I'm thinking?
We should've just asked for 200 a head.
We'd have gotten 200 times a few hundred, which is a lot more.
Good idea!
In fact, we should be trying to make a really solid deal
with one of those horned jerks from Hell.
He could be going to haunt homes
and then, we could go perform an “exorcism”
with blank bullets and then rake in the easy cash.
Yeah, but where do we find a moron like that?
-[dramatic music plays] -Mmm.
What?
VETERINARIAN
[thunder rumbling]
Have you ever-ever wondered, you foolish little furball,
what your nuts would say if they were able to speak, kitty?
No idea?
So, I’m gonna tell you.
They'd be silent as a grave because silence is golden!
This is why I'm talking like crazy,
because when a fool gives the right advice,
a smart man listens.
Sometimes I happen to say something that makes sense.
All right. Did you just say goodbye to your nuts?
That's what I thought, pussy. Let's go right now!
-[cat screeching] -You!
[groans] Let go, you little demon!
-[grunts] -[cat hissing]
If you think that pissed me off, then you're very mistaken.
I was already pissed off, to begin with!
-[grunts] -[cat screeching]
[hissing]
There's something odd going on.
What’s in that storage space that's making you run as if you saw a demon?
[door creaking]
-[ominous music plays] -Oh fuck, it's a demon!
[roaring]
Beg for mercy, mortal garbage…
Oh, wait. Let me use a different voice. [clears throat]
[in demonic voice] Beg for mercy, mortal garbage-
Fu…
Oh, fucking hell.
[snoring]
[veterinarian] Sweet bearded Jesus.
What’s that?
Could be a wolf, but it's got a face like a big fat ugly pig.
Okay, let's quickly get the euthanizer,
'cause with that cat dosage of a roofie he’ll be waking up soon.
But after this injection
you ain’t ever waking up…
-[glass shattering] -[Boner] Hold up!
What?
CHEAP LAWN MOWING!
What do you mean it didn't work?
Well, unfortunately, not only did we not make any money,
we had to give him 50 zloty for the broken-down door.
Yeah, the plan was almost good.
We'll just keep trying.
We're not going to change anything
other than staying far-far away from anyone who works with syringes.
MINI LAS VEGAS 24H CAFE
-[van clanking] -[brakes screeching]
[Boner] Okay, we're here.
Marcinek, you first.
CASH REGISTER
Hello. Brochures.
And goodbye.
"Offering demon control services,
and combating unholy spirits and incarnations of all kinds."
"Low cost."
Get the fuck out of here with all that junk!
[thrilling music playing]
[thuds]
[chiming]
All right, my sweet little guy, I'm sorry. I won't hit you anymore, I promise.
I got a little carried away.
-And boom! -[thuds]
[chiming]
[sighs]
Don't be mad at me. I'm sorry.
All right, you can have it your way.
This time instead of a metal washer I'll put in an actual fucking coin!
[thuds]
[chiming]
-[fanfare playing] -Huh.
-[chiming] -[coins clinking]
Hey, what's going on here?
A lame prize for a lame, dickless guy!
Oh crap. A demon!
[whimpering]
[door slams]
[rain pattering]
[phone ringing]
Hello?
Yes, sir, you got that right.
Yes, 200 złoty.
Unless you want an invoice, then it'll be more.
Oh, whoa, look, what a serendipitous coincidence.
It just so happens, out of sheer dumb luck.
that I'm already in the area.
-Hey there. -Hello.
[Domino] I will kill everyone!
With God as my witness, I will kill you!
[roaring]
[whispers] The demon is in the casino.
No need to worry. We'll take care of that nasty demon in no time.
[tense music playing]
Oh no, what have we here?
-Get your hands up, you abomination! -[Domino in demonic voice] Ha, ha!
Get screwed with a dick the length of Poland!
Then prepare yourself for a painful death, mortal. [coughs]
[in normal voice] Pardon. It's hard to keep doing that voice.
[clears throat]
[in demonic voice] Mortal!
Watch out. I'm shooting.
Oh damn, what are you doing, boss?
Unclench your butthole, idiot. These are blanks!
[Boner] Give up, you don't stand a chance!
[gun firing]
[Domino roaring]
[gun fires]
Okay, I'm finished. That'll be 200 zloty.
[Domino] Victory! [laughs]
It's too bad you lost all of our pay playing the slots, boss.
Not to mention the twenty you borrowed from me.
Okay, first of all, I didn't "borrow" from you, you gave it to me.
What do you mean I gave it to you?
And second of all, we'll cover our losses soon, okay?
The plan is good.
We're not changing anything other than staying far, far away
from anyone who works with syringes.
Or with any slot machines.
[crickets chirping]
[van approaching]
[van door opens, closes]
Finally, you're here, gentlemen. Oh, thank God.
How long can you make me wait? We said 7:00 p.m.!
Don't be so dramatic. It's only five past.
Exactly.
I'd have offered you a round of shots,
but since you were so late, I had to fill my time somehow.
Damn, you should have said so!
Okay, let's go get that demon. Lead the way.
Oh no! You don't! I'm not risking my life.
As long as the evil demon's back there,
I'm not going to go behind the barn.
That's why I'm paying you.
Well, in that case, then…
Let's go and make some money!
Marcinek! Move out.
Oh, check it out, manroots.
Wise choice.
Although inedible to humans,
swine are not so picky and will eat them when they're hungry.
Look, boss, the mammoth kind.
Trust me, I know my way around bulbous beets.
The large, shaft-shaped root,
the long fleshy, hypocotyl-tuber,
a much higher harvest yield compared to the sugar beet,
and while the quality is ultimately and surprisingly worse,
a much juicier water content.
Marcinek, they're paying us to fuck up a demon,
not to fuck around with some fucking beets.
There he is.
Mmm, these manroots are really delicious.
The ones with the crunchy raisins are best. [munching]
Those are bugs, you dick head.
Put your goddamn hands up!
Those are bugs? Really? [clears throat]
[in demonic voice] Ha, ha!
I can only put one hand up in the air.
The other one is occupied
because I'm going to kill you with my middle finger up my ass!
I warned you, asshole!
Don't worry, they're blanks.
[screaming]
Oh, such pain! As if someone put a strap-on in my--
Shut your mouth, you moron, and lie down on the ground!
Marcinek, bring the blood around!
Grześ, we're all done, sir!
[panting]
Where is it? Where is the monstrosity?
Right here! Now, pay up the reward as we discussed.
What are you talking about?
I could have dealt with a little lizard like that with just my pitchfork.
I was talking about that piss rag!
Oh, holy shit, it's the Antichristosaurus!
Which insignificant humans dares to disturb my meal?
Take this, assholes! I'mma hit you with a beet, bitch!
[grunts]
Boss, shoot him already!
I can't. I only have blanks in this gun. But don't you worry about it.
I'm going to try to beat this demon at his own game!
You little…
[laughs] What a moron.
He threw away the best one. The one with raisins.
[munching] So delicious.
Now let me show you a trick I call Total and Complete Hell on Earth!
Oh damn! Oh crap! Oh crap! We're fucking finished. [screams]
[laughs]
If it isn't my favorite meal of all time! Wieners with a side of beets!
[Boner] Retreat!
To the van! We need to get real ammo!
[laughs] Are you surprised?
I’m as fast as a Bugatti, motherfuckers!
Though sometimes I really wish I didn't have that power.
If you catch my drift.
But I'm not fucking around right now, assholes!
Here comes another one of my tricks!
Evil Hailstorm!
[Boner] To the barn!
[laughs]
Run away, run away. It won't help you anyway.
I'm about to do my nunchuck trick, that'll make you shit your pants
if you know what I mean, bitches! Ouch!
Let me just turn off the hail first. Ouch! Crap!
What have you done?
Why the hell did I even call you to begin with?
Don't worry about that idiot. I'll figure something out.
Got it.
-Domino! -Please, not right now, boss.
My stomach hurts so bad, it's awful. [groaning]
Figure something out, boss!
It's coming!
Finally.
Sorry, you had to wait so long this time.
I got a little carried away with my tricks.
[screaming] Oh, I'm dying-dying.
-[crashing] -Hello. May I?
Check this out! Shoo-shoo-shoo-shoo-shoo-shoo-shoo-shoo!
Ouch! Damn it, fine, enough showing off.
Goodbye now!
-[stomach growling] -Ouch! Ow! Damn.
Ooh, it hurts so much.
[groaning]
-Okay, Marcinek, now! -[groaning]
-Now what? -Now nothing.
By the time I explain it to you, I'll have done it three times already.
-[engine starts] -[Domino crying in pain]
[screaming]
Phew! We survived.
Hey, Domino, are you okay?
You jerk, does it look like I'm okay?
[groaning]
Why would anyone on earth willingly eat raw manroots?
With itchy bugs, no less!
THE END
[in Polish] ♪ Exorcist for less than three hundred ♪
♪ Actually, it's two hundred If you want a bill, it'll cost you more ♪
♪ Watch it, Beelzebutt You're gonna get your ass kicked ♪
♪ Watch it, Buttcifer He's aiming at you ♪
[malevolent laugh]