A NETFLIX SERIES
[theme music playing]
PROFESSOR FART VERSUS SUPER CREATURE 3D!
THE HELL VACCINE
-Mariola, did you like the movie? -It was fine.
But the 3D glasses made me feel ill.
'Cause the glasses aren't edible.
And those two bags of popcorn you inhaled, yours and mine,
probably didn't help either.
PROFESSOR FART VERSUS SUPER CREATURE 3D
Fuck my butt sideways, Miras, that was way too fucking amazing!
Damn, not only did Professor Fart defeat the Super Creature
in a super cool scientific way,
but they also showed it in 3D!
Yeah, and when he was putting that plasma torch up his asshole,
I really felt like I was there.
Exactly!
And when the dick-shaped zombie monkeys popped out
I thought I was going to shit myself.
Luckily, I did that behind the seat before the movie started.
Best spent zero zlotys in my entire fucking life.
So, Miras, are we coming tomorrow too?
Buba, the same movie for the sixth day in a row?
Of course we're coming!
Now let's get back to hell,
'cause if the boss notices we took the Gates of Hell without asking,
he'll turn our you-know-what into gates.
Don't jinx it, asshole, or it will happen.
You'll see, Mariola.
If things keep going well for me,
in a few more years, I'll save enough money for a car.
-And then every bitch will be mine! -What?
I mean, every ditch will be mine since I'm a bad driver.
Relax a bit, you'll be really pleased.
Uh…
Are you lost, pal?
No, no, we absolutely know where we're going, sir.
You got a problem?
[whimpers] I mean… Come on, Mariola…
Ouch! Relax guys, we can totally work this out.
-[Buba] I'm wondering about one thing. -Yeah?
If the quark cannon is a million times more powerful than the plasma torch,
why did Professor Fart not use it?
That's easy. The quark cannon wouldn't fit in the Super Creature's tight ass.
Wait.
Look at that.
Hey!
Damn it!
Ouch! [groans]
Buba, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Yup. How does the cool Super Creature smell
if instead of a nose it has a di--
No, not that. Let's fucking hit this kid with our devilish hypnosis
like a hypno-possession.
He can show those hoodlums how the devil says, "Good evening, motherfuckers."
You won't make it. It's too far.
That's why we'll do it together. All right. One, two, three!
-[grunts] -Hey, you can say goodbye
to your teeth, you fucking dickless nerd.
[in demonic voice] But first, you will say goodbye to your tiny balls.
[groans]
Why, you! [grunts]
[laughs] Did you see that? This is how it's done! Just one shot!
You need to try harder.
-[grunts] -[groans]
[action music playing]
[bottle shattering]
He's not gonna make it now.
A baseball bat plus a broken bottle equals a concussion and a sliced lip.
You are forgetting that his brain is temporarily disabled by our hypnosis.
Stop. You are going to hurt him!
That's the goddamn plan.
It's a good thing you've been knocked unconscious, you spineless piece of shit!
I am going to leave you a painful souvenir on your ugly-ass mug.
[screaming]
Um… [chuckles]
[groans]
-[body hits the floor] -[grunts]
Marcin, what's happening? Are you okay?
[sinister music playing]
EXORCISM AGENCY / CONSTRUCTION COMPANY BONER
Where the hell is that stupid fucking dumbass?
[chuckles] Oh, boss, come on, I'm right here.
I was talking about the other dumbass, dumbass.
Oh, you mean Marcinek. Maybe you should try to call him.
I am calling him. He's not answering.
He must be sleeping it off. He was on a big date yesterday.
Gimme your phone, sir, I'm gonna give his girlfriend a call.
I remember the number.
-Agh! If you break it… -Yeah right.
Hello?
Hi, Mariola.
Do you know where Marcin is?
'Cause we're waiting for him. He's late for work.
-What? -What?
-Uh, wow, you don't freaking say! -What did she say?
-Goddamn it! -Come on, idiot, you gotta tell me.
Boss, you better take a seat because you're not gonna fucking believe this.
Yesterday, while on his big date, Marcin took out four really big guys
and snatched all of their wallets.
Then he took off without Mariola and went on a wild vodka bender.
No way! Holy shit! Really?
See, I told you that under my authority he would finally improve.
All right, let's go to work. He knows where to find us.
[engine cranking]
-Ugh! Get out, you're pushing. -Not again. Oh no!
Stop whining. Today, it's only three kilometers.
[chicken clucking]
-[man] Shouldn't he be muzzled? -But how would he bite then?
-Uh… -All right, tell me what's going on here?
I really don't have all fucking day.
I mean, I do, actually, so I'd like to put it to good use.
Okay, I'll tell you. I'll tell you everything like in confession.
You won't make heads or tails of it.
It started about two weeks ago, when I heard noises coming from the barn.
Something really bad got into it.
The cows started to get nervous.
All of the pigs… got nervous.
At first, it all seemed harmless. They were just growling at one another.
Like, "Moo-ve your stupid ass!"
"Oink… off!"
It came down to hand-to-hand combat.
The cattle went after the entire group of pigs.
And so then vice versa.
The riots in the barn had lasted a few days.
It calmed down when I separated them with an electric cattle prod.
Then evil entered my cottage as well.
My wife got super mad. I thought to myself, "It's normal."
Then my wife moved out to her mother.
I thought to myself, "Good riddance."
But then, the friendly good spirit Bey also decided to leave.
He lived behind the old wood stove and brought our family plenty of luck.
And a subtle stench.
If you don't breathe in through your nose, you really can't smell it.
And there are these goddamn rat bastards everywhere!
[rat squeals]
[ominous music playing]
[squealing]
Motherfucking rat-demons!
Mr. Stasiu, I have excellent news for you.
You have considerably more luck than you have brains.
That doesn't mean anything. I was pretty bad in school.
-Hey, Domino. -Yes, boss?
Go get the demon poison out of the van now
and let's be sure to set it out in all the buildings.
[Domino] On it!
[upbeat music playing]
[Domino] They're not coming out.
The poison was a bit stale. Maybe that's what's taking so long.
So I paid you 200 zloty for nothing?
Sure I hope so. No, wait. Look there.
[rats groaning]
[door creaks]
[grunting]
[rats groaning]
-[retching] -[squealing]
[groans] My damn gut is about to explode.
Shit, Lucjan, I told you not to eat those pink balls.
How can I not eat them if they're so delicious?
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum! Mmm, so good! Oh, what a pain!
[gun fires]
Miss!
What? Lucjan, did you fart?
-Yeah, why? -Nothing, so did I.
Ah, it fucking hurts!
[gun firing]
Miss. Miss.
[gun firing
Miss, miss, miss, and a duff shot.
Dammit!
[squealing]
[rats grunting]
[squealing]
-[stomping] -[rats squealing]
[squeals]
[retches, squeals]
[squeals]
[rats squealing]
-[stomps] -[rat squeals]
All done. The property is officially exorcized.
Are you sure that is all of them?
Yeah, if the big boss says that it's so, it means that most likely,
you know, sometimes or possibly,
with quite a bit of luck, it could be the case.
Hell, hell, hell! Fucking hell, dudes!
Bey!
Wow! What a stench!
Don't breathe through your nose, if you value your life. Ha!
Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Boner.
The good spirit is back at last!
Happiness will finally come back to my house now.
Don't shit yourself. Got any beer?
[chuckles] What a jokester.
[Marcin] Did I miss anything?
Relax, Marcinek. The farm has been cleared of the annoying demonic rats.
We'll just see about that.
[foreboding music playing]
Just what the hell is he up to?
[gun firing]
[firing continues]
[door creaking]
FIRST COMMUNION FAVOR
[glass shattering]
Fuck that. Goodbye!
I'm off to bring luck to Mini Las Vegas.
To the owner, of course.
[objects clattering]
[ominous music playing]
[in normal voice] Uh… What happened?
What did I do?
You de-christianized the house.
What? Oh no! This is not what we agreed.
Gimme back my money!
Retreat!
[engine starts]
[Boner] Well, as far as I can tell,
Marcinek was under the influence of some tempter from hell.
What?
Not a powerful one though,
since the effect wore off the very next day.
But it looks like you're potentially more vulnerable to possession
and stupid crap like that.
Ah dammit, then I'm done for.
Don't you worry a bit, my friend, you will get vaccinated against hell,
and then in two weeks you'll be completely immune to demons
-just like Domino is to knowledge. -[chuckles]
Is it going to be safe?
-What is it? -Don't worry.
It's a never tested mixture.
Antichristosaur's venom mixed with vodka.
[sighs] I'm gonna regret… Ouch!
-There. -So what happens now?
And now we just wait a few minutes
to see if he has any unexpected side effects to speak of.
What side effects? I don't want any weird side effects.
Just relax, Marcinek. It rarely happens.
You see? Nothing weird is happening.
Um…
Hey, boss, please take a look at your compass.
Uh-oh.
I'm starting to think something is wrong here.
[gurgling roar]
Oh no, it's Super Creature!
Something is definitely wrong here!
[in demonic voice] Boredom! I'll kill you out of boredom!
[gurgling roar]
Dammit! Domino, get the rope!
-[yelps] -Marcin, calm down! It's me, Domino!
[grunts]
-To the crapper! -[Domino] Dibs on the toilet!
But I can also go in the sink if need be.
[gurgling roar]
Ouch! Ouch! Marcin, stop. You're gonna strangle us!
Besides, I'm ticklish! [laughs]
You're gonna die!
Actually wait.
Even better,
you are going to entertain me with extremely inappropriate jokes instead.
[sinister music playing]
[Marcin laughs in demonic voice] I don't know.
[Domino] If you pay enough, there isn't one. [laughs]
[laughing]
Motherfucker! [laughs]
Although I don't really get the joke.
Or this one.
A sex addict walks into a ladies shoe store.
The salesman asks, "Can I help you?"
"No, I'll jerk myself off."
[laughs]
Good one! I can shit myself laughing! [laughs]
Uh-oh.
Excuse me for a moment.
[laughs awkwardly]
Damn, I'm running out of funny jokes.
Boss, how long do these side effects usually last for, huh?
Not too long.
Like a few days.
THE END
[in Polish] ♪ Exorcist for less than three hundred ♪
♪ Actually, it's two hundred If you want a bill, it'll cost you more ♪
♪ Watch it, Beelzebutt You're gonna get your ass kicked ♪
♪ Watch it, Buttcifer He's aiming at you ♪
[malevolent laugh]