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A NETFLIX SERIES
2
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[theme music playing]
3
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PROFESSOR FART
VERSUS SUPER CREATURE 3D!
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THE HELL VACCINE
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-Mariola, did you like the movie?
-It was fine.
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But the 3D glasses made me feel ill.
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'Cause the glasses aren't edible.
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And those two bags of popcorn you inhaled,
yours and mine,
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probably didn't help either.
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PROFESSOR FART VERSUS SUPER CREATURE 3D
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Fuck my butt sideways, Miras,
that was way too fucking amazing!
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Damn, not only did Professor Fart
defeat the Super Creature
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in a super cool scientific way,
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but they also showed it in 3D!
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Yeah, and when he was putting
that plasma torch up his asshole,
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I really felt like I was there.
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Exactly!
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And when the dick-shaped
zombie monkeys popped out
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I thought I was going to shit myself.
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Luckily, I did that behind the seat
before the movie started.
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Best spent zero zlotys
in my entire fucking life.
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So, Miras, are we coming tomorrow too?
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Buba, the same movie
for the sixth day in a row?
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Of course we're coming!
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Now let's get back to hell,
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'cause if the boss notices we took
the Gates of Hell without asking,
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he'll turn our you-know-what into gates.
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Don't jinx it, asshole, or it will happen.
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You'll see, Mariola.
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If things keep going well for me,
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in a few more years,
I'll save enough money for a car.
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-And then every bitch will be mine!
-What?
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I mean, every ditch will be mine
since I'm a bad driver.
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Relax a bit, you'll be really pleased.
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Uh…
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Are you lost, pal?
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No, no, we absolutely know
where we're going, sir.
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You got a problem?
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[whimpers] I mean… Come on, Mariola…
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Ouch! Relax guys,
we can totally work this out.
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-[Buba] I'm wondering about one thing.
-Yeah?
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If the quark cannon is a million times
more powerful than the plasma torch,
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why did Professor Fart not use it?
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That's easy. The quark cannon wouldn't fit
in the Super Creature's tight ass.
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Wait.
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Look at that.
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Hey!
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Damn it!
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Ouch! [groans]
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Buba, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
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Yup. How does the cool
Super Creature smell
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if instead of a nose it has a di--
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No, not that. Let's fucking hit this kid
with our devilish hypnosis
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like a hypno-possession.
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He can show those hoodlums how the devil
says, "Good evening, motherfuckers."
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You won't make it. It's too far.
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That's why we'll do it together.
All right. One, two, three!
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-[grunts]
-Hey, you can say goodbye
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to your teeth, you fucking dickless nerd.
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[in demonic voice] But first,
you will say goodbye to your tiny balls.
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[groans]
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Why, you! [grunts]
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[laughs] Did you see that?
This is how it's done! Just one shot!
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You need to try harder.
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-[grunts]
-[groans]
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[action music playing]
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[bottle shattering]
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He's not gonna make it now.
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A baseball bat plus a broken bottle
equals a concussion and a sliced lip.
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You are forgetting that his brain
is temporarily disabled by our hypnosis.
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Stop. You are going to hurt him!
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That's the goddamn plan.
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It's a good thing you've been knocked
unconscious, you spineless piece of shit!
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I am going to leave you a painful souvenir
on your ugly-ass mug.
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[screaming]
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Um… [chuckles]
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[groans]
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-[body hits the floor]
-[grunts]
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Marcin, what's happening? Are you okay?
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[sinister music playing]
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EXORCISM AGENCY /
CONSTRUCTION COMPANY BONER
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Where the hell is
that stupid fucking dumbass?
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[chuckles] Oh, boss,
come on, I'm right here.
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I was talking about
the other dumbass, dumbass.
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Oh, you mean Marcinek.
Maybe you should try to call him.
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I am calling him. He's not answering.
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He must be sleeping it off.
He was on a big date yesterday.
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Gimme your phone, sir,
I'm gonna give his girlfriend a call.
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I remember the number.
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-Agh! If you break it…
-Yeah right.
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Hello?
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Hi, Mariola.
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Do you know where Marcin is?
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'Cause we're waiting for him.
He's late for work.
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-What?
-What?
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-Uh, wow, you don't freaking say!
-What did she say?
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-Goddamn it!
-Come on, idiot, you gotta tell me.
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Boss, you better take a seat because
you're not gonna fucking believe this.
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Yesterday, while on his big date,
Marcin took out four really big guys
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and snatched all of their wallets.
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Then he took off without Mariola
and went on a wild vodka bender.
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No way! Holy shit! Really?
103
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See, I told you that under my authority
he would finally improve.
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All right, let's go to work.
He knows where to find us.
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[engine cranking]
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-Ugh! Get out, you're pushing.
-Not again. Oh no!
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Stop whining.
Today, it's only three kilometers.
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[chicken clucking]
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-[man] Shouldn't he be muzzled?
-But how would he bite then?
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-Uh…
-All right, tell me what's going on here?
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I really don't have all fucking day.
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I mean, I do, actually,
so I'd like to put it to good use.
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Okay, I'll tell you. I'll tell you
everything like in confession.
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You won't make heads or tails of it.
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It started about two weeks ago,
when I heard noises coming from the barn.
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Something really bad got into it.
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The cows started to get nervous.
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All of the pigs… got nervous.
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At first, it all seemed harmless.
They were just growling at one another.
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Like, "Moo-ve your stupid ass!"
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"Oink… off!"
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It came down to hand-to-hand combat.
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The cattle went after
the entire group of pigs.
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And so then vice versa.
125
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The riots in the barn
had lasted a few days.
126
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It calmed down when I separated them
with an electric cattle prod.
127
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Then evil entered my cottage as well.
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My wife got super mad.
I thought to myself, "It's normal."
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Then my wife moved out to her mother.
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I thought to myself, "Good riddance."
131
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But then, the friendly good spirit Bey
also decided to leave.
132
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He lived behind the old wood stove
and brought our family plenty of luck.
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And a subtle stench.
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If you don't breathe in through your nose,
you really can't smell it.
135
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And there are these
goddamn rat bastards everywhere!
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[rat squeals]
137
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[ominous music playing]
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[squealing]
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Motherfucking rat-demons!
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Mr. Stasiu, I have excellent news for you.
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You have considerably more luck
than you have brains.
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That doesn't mean anything.
I was pretty bad in school.
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-Hey, Domino.
-Yes, boss?
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Go get the demon poison out of the van now
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and let's be sure
to set it out in all the buildings.
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[Domino] On it!
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[upbeat music playing]
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[Domino] They're not coming out.
149
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The poison was a bit stale.
Maybe that's what's taking so long.
150
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So I paid you 200 zloty for nothing?
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Sure I hope so. No, wait. Look there.
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[rats groaning]
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[door creaks]
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[grunting]
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[rats groaning]
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-[retching]
-[squealing]
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[groans] My damn gut is about to explode.
158
00:06:59,626 --> 00:07:02,709
Shit, Lucjan, I told you
not to eat those pink balls.
159
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How can I not eat them
if they're so delicious?
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Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum!
Mmm, so good! Oh, what a pain!
161
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[gun fires]
162
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Miss!
163
00:07:11,543 --> 00:07:13,126
What? Lucjan, did you fart?
164
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-Yeah, why?
-Nothing, so did I.
165
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Ah, it fucking hurts!
166
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[gun firing]
167
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Miss. Miss.
168
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[gun firing
169
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Miss, miss, miss, and a duff shot.
170
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Dammit!
171
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[squealing]
172
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[squealing]
173
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[rats grunting]
174
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[squealing]
175
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-[stomping]
-[rats squealing]
176
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[squeals]
177
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[retches, squeals]
178
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[squeals]
179
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[rats squealing]
180
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-[stomps]
-[rat squeals]
181
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All done.
The property is officially exorcized.
182
00:07:58,709 --> 00:08:01,084
Are you sure that is all of them?
183
00:08:01,168 --> 00:08:03,876
Yeah, if the big boss says that it's so,
it means that most likely,
184
00:08:03,959 --> 00:08:05,584
you know, sometimes or possibly,
185
00:08:05,668 --> 00:08:07,626
with quite a bit of luck,
it could be the case.
186
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Hell, hell, hell! Fucking hell, dudes!
187
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Bey!
188
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Wow! What a stench!
189
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Don't breathe through your nose,
if you value your life. Ha!
190
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Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Boner.
191
00:08:20,001 --> 00:08:21,918
The good spirit is back at last!
192
00:08:22,001 --> 00:08:25,459
Happiness will finally
come back to my house now.
193
00:08:25,543 --> 00:08:27,543
Don't shit yourself. Got any beer?
194
00:08:29,293 --> 00:08:30,876
[chuckles] What a jokester.
195
00:08:30,959 --> 00:08:32,376
[Marcin] Did I miss anything?
196
00:08:33,209 --> 00:08:36,959
Relax, Marcinek. The farm has been cleared
of the annoying demonic rats.
197
00:08:37,043 --> 00:08:39,209
We'll just see about that.
198
00:08:39,293 --> 00:08:41,293
[foreboding music playing]
199
00:08:43,126 --> 00:08:44,626
Just what the hell is he up to?
200
00:08:45,501 --> 00:08:47,501
[gun firing]
201
00:08:49,709 --> 00:08:51,709
[firing continues]
202
00:08:57,043 --> 00:08:58,126
[door creaking]
203
00:08:59,001 --> 00:09:00,459
FIRST COMMUNION FAVOR
204
00:09:00,543 --> 00:09:01,626
[glass shattering]
205
00:09:01,709 --> 00:09:04,293
Fuck that. Goodbye!
206
00:09:04,376 --> 00:09:06,626
I'm off to bring luck to Mini Las Vegas.
207
00:09:06,709 --> 00:09:08,293
To the owner, of course.
208
00:09:09,459 --> 00:09:10,459
[objects clattering]
209
00:09:10,543 --> 00:09:12,543
[ominous music playing]
210
00:09:14,584 --> 00:09:16,626
[in normal voice] Uh… What happened?
211
00:09:17,376 --> 00:09:18,209
What did I do?
212
00:09:18,293 --> 00:09:19,709
You de-christianized the house.
213
00:09:19,793 --> 00:09:23,543
What? Oh no! This is not what we agreed.
214
00:09:23,626 --> 00:09:24,709
Gimme back my money!
215
00:09:25,959 --> 00:09:28,043
Retreat!
216
00:09:28,126 --> 00:09:29,209
[engine starts]
217
00:09:31,543 --> 00:09:33,293
[Boner] Well, as far as I can tell,
218
00:09:33,376 --> 00:09:37,126
Marcinek was under the influence
of some tempter from hell.
219
00:09:37,209 --> 00:09:38,043
What?
220
00:09:38,126 --> 00:09:39,209
Not a powerful one though,
221
00:09:39,293 --> 00:09:41,418
since the effect wore off
the very next day.
222
00:09:41,501 --> 00:09:44,584
But it looks like you're potentially
more vulnerable to possession
223
00:09:44,668 --> 00:09:45,709
and stupid crap like that.
224
00:09:45,793 --> 00:09:47,543
Ah dammit, then I'm done for.
225
00:09:47,626 --> 00:09:51,043
Don't you worry a bit, my friend,
you will get vaccinated against hell,
226
00:09:51,126 --> 00:09:53,793
and then in two weeks
you'll be completely immune to demons
227
00:09:53,876 --> 00:09:55,709
-just like Domino is to knowledge.
-[chuckles]
228
00:09:55,793 --> 00:09:57,126
Is it going to be safe?
229
00:09:57,626 --> 00:09:59,084
-What is it?
-Don't worry.
230
00:09:59,168 --> 00:10:00,751
It's a never tested mixture.
231
00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:03,376
Antichristosaur's venom mixed with vodka.
232
00:10:03,459 --> 00:10:05,501
[sighs] I'm gonna regret… Ouch!
233
00:10:06,418 --> 00:10:07,876
-There.
-So what happens now?
234
00:10:07,959 --> 00:10:09,834
And now we just wait a few minutes
235
00:10:09,918 --> 00:10:12,543
to see if he has any
unexpected side effects to speak of.
236
00:10:12,626 --> 00:10:15,459
What side effects?
I don't want any weird side effects.
237
00:10:15,543 --> 00:10:18,293
Just relax, Marcinek. It rarely happens.
238
00:10:18,376 --> 00:10:20,293
You see? Nothing weird is happening.
239
00:10:20,376 --> 00:10:21,668
Um…
240
00:10:22,209 --> 00:10:25,876
Hey, boss,
please take a look at your compass.
241
00:10:27,043 --> 00:10:27,959
Uh-oh.
242
00:10:28,501 --> 00:10:30,876
I'm starting to think
something is wrong here.
243
00:10:32,626 --> 00:10:35,626
[gurgling roar]
244
00:10:35,709 --> 00:10:37,709
Oh no, it's Super Creature!
245
00:10:37,793 --> 00:10:39,543
Something is definitely wrong here!
246
00:10:39,626 --> 00:10:43,251
[in demonic voice] Boredom!
I'll kill you out of boredom!
247
00:10:43,334 --> 00:10:45,293
[gurgling roar]
248
00:10:45,376 --> 00:10:47,543
Dammit! Domino, get the rope!
249
00:10:48,126 --> 00:10:51,793
-[yelps]
-Marcin, calm down! It's me, Domino!
250
00:10:51,876 --> 00:10:53,001
[grunts]
251
00:10:53,084 --> 00:10:55,959
-To the crapper!
-[Domino] Dibs on the toilet!
252
00:10:56,043 --> 00:10:58,126
But I can also go in the sink if need be.
253
00:10:58,209 --> 00:10:59,126
[gurgling roar]
254
00:10:59,209 --> 00:11:02,001
Ouch! Ouch! Marcin, stop.
You're gonna strangle us!
255
00:11:02,084 --> 00:11:04,126
Besides, I'm ticklish! [laughs]
256
00:11:04,209 --> 00:11:05,876
You're gonna die!
257
00:11:05,959 --> 00:11:06,918
Actually wait.
258
00:11:07,001 --> 00:11:07,959
Even better,
259
00:11:08,043 --> 00:11:11,459
you are going to entertain me with
extremely inappropriate jokes instead.
260
00:11:11,543 --> 00:11:14,293
[sinister music playing]
261
00:11:15,043 --> 00:11:16,834
[Marcin laughs in demonic voice]
I don't know.
262
00:11:16,918 --> 00:11:19,626
[Domino] If you pay enough,
there isn't one. [laughs]
263
00:11:19,709 --> 00:11:22,084
[laughing]
264
00:11:22,168 --> 00:11:24,293
Motherfucker! [laughs]
265
00:11:24,376 --> 00:11:25,959
Although I don't really get the joke.
266
00:11:26,043 --> 00:11:26,876
Or this one.
267
00:11:26,959 --> 00:11:29,584
A sex addict walks
into a ladies shoe store.
268
00:11:29,668 --> 00:11:31,876
The salesman asks, "Can I help you?"
269
00:11:31,959 --> 00:11:33,709
"No, I'll jerk myself off."
270
00:11:33,793 --> 00:11:36,376
[laughs]
271
00:11:36,459 --> 00:11:40,876
Good one!
I can shit myself laughing! [laughs]
272
00:11:40,959 --> 00:11:41,834
Uh-oh.
273
00:11:41,918 --> 00:11:43,293
Excuse me for a moment.
274
00:11:43,376 --> 00:11:45,668
[laughs awkwardly]
275
00:11:46,668 --> 00:11:48,376
Damn, I'm running out of funny jokes.
276
00:11:48,459 --> 00:11:50,834
Boss, how long do these side effects
usually last for, huh?
277
00:11:50,918 --> 00:11:52,001
Not too long.
278
00:11:52,084 --> 00:11:53,084
Like a few days.
279
00:11:54,126 --> 00:11:54,959
THE END
280
00:11:55,043 --> 00:11:57,043
[in Polish]
♪ Exorcist for less than three hundred ♪
281
00:11:57,126 --> 00:12:00,376
♪ Actually, it's two hundred
If you want a bill, it'll cost you more ♪
282
00:12:00,459 --> 00:12:03,418
♪ Watch it, Beelzebutt
You're gonna get your ass kicked ♪
283
00:12:03,501 --> 00:12:06,543
♪ Watch it, Buttcifer
He's aiming at you ♪
284
00:12:06,626 --> 00:12:11,501
[malevolent laugh]