1 00:00:06,459 --> 00:00:12,376 A NETFLIX SERIES 2 00:00:12,459 --> 00:00:14,459 [theme music playing] 3 00:00:15,876 --> 00:00:19,709 PROFESSOR FART VERSUS SUPER CREATURE 3D! 4 00:00:19,793 --> 00:00:20,751 THE HELL VACCINE 5 00:00:20,834 --> 00:00:22,668 -Mariola, did you like the movie? -It was fine. 6 00:00:22,751 --> 00:00:24,293 But the 3D glasses made me feel ill. 7 00:00:24,376 --> 00:00:26,084 'Cause the glasses aren't edible. 8 00:00:26,168 --> 00:00:28,751 And those two bags of popcorn you inhaled, yours and mine, 9 00:00:28,834 --> 00:00:30,126 probably didn't help either. 10 00:00:30,209 --> 00:00:33,293 PROFESSOR FART VERSUS SUPER CREATURE 3D 11 00:00:36,459 --> 00:00:41,834 Fuck my butt sideways, Miras, that was way too fucking amazing! 12 00:00:41,918 --> 00:00:44,793 Damn, not only did Professor Fart defeat the Super Creature 13 00:00:44,876 --> 00:00:46,918 in a super cool scientific way, 14 00:00:47,001 --> 00:00:48,876 but they also showed it in 3D! 15 00:00:48,959 --> 00:00:52,001 Yeah, and when he was putting that plasma torch up his asshole, 16 00:00:52,084 --> 00:00:53,626 I really felt like I was there. 17 00:00:53,709 --> 00:00:54,793 Exactly! 18 00:00:54,876 --> 00:00:57,501 And when the dick-shaped zombie monkeys popped out 19 00:00:57,584 --> 00:00:59,209 I thought I was going to shit myself. 20 00:00:59,293 --> 00:01:01,626 Luckily, I did that behind the seat before the movie started. 21 00:01:01,709 --> 00:01:05,126 Best spent zero zlotys in my entire fucking life. 22 00:01:05,209 --> 00:01:07,043 So, Miras, are we coming tomorrow too? 23 00:01:07,126 --> 00:01:10,459 Buba, the same movie for the sixth day in a row? 24 00:01:11,209 --> 00:01:12,793 Of course we're coming! 25 00:01:12,876 --> 00:01:14,209 Now let's get back to hell, 26 00:01:14,293 --> 00:01:17,168 'cause if the boss notices we took the Gates of Hell without asking, 27 00:01:17,251 --> 00:01:18,793 he'll turn our you-know-what into gates. 28 00:01:18,876 --> 00:01:21,209 Don't jinx it, asshole, or it will happen. 29 00:01:21,293 --> 00:01:22,293 You'll see, Mariola. 30 00:01:22,376 --> 00:01:23,793 If things keep going well for me, 31 00:01:23,876 --> 00:01:26,543 in a few more years, I'll save enough money for a car. 32 00:01:26,626 --> 00:01:29,501 -And then every bitch will be mine! -What? 33 00:01:29,584 --> 00:01:32,793 I mean, every ditch will be mine since I'm a bad driver. 34 00:01:32,876 --> 00:01:35,209 Relax a bit, you'll be really pleased. 35 00:01:35,293 --> 00:01:36,209 Uh… 36 00:01:36,293 --> 00:01:37,543 Are you lost, pal? 37 00:01:37,626 --> 00:01:39,959 No, no, we absolutely know where we're going, sir. 38 00:01:40,043 --> 00:01:41,126 You got a problem? 39 00:01:41,209 --> 00:01:43,251 [whimpers] I mean… Come on, Mariola… 40 00:01:43,334 --> 00:01:46,043 Ouch! Relax guys, we can totally work this out. 41 00:01:46,126 --> 00:01:48,834 -[Buba] I'm wondering about one thing. -Yeah? 42 00:01:48,918 --> 00:01:52,918 If the quark cannon is a million times more powerful than the plasma torch, 43 00:01:53,001 --> 00:01:54,834 why did Professor Fart not use it? 44 00:01:54,918 --> 00:01:58,959 That's easy. The quark cannon wouldn't fit in the Super Creature's tight ass. 45 00:01:59,043 --> 00:01:59,876 Wait. 46 00:02:00,459 --> 00:02:01,293 Look at that. 47 00:02:02,543 --> 00:02:03,584 Hey! 48 00:02:03,668 --> 00:02:04,751 Damn it! 49 00:02:04,834 --> 00:02:06,459 Ouch! [groans] 50 00:02:06,543 --> 00:02:08,959 Buba, are you thinking what I'm thinking? 51 00:02:09,043 --> 00:02:11,251 Yup. How does the cool Super Creature smell 52 00:02:11,334 --> 00:02:13,043 if instead of a nose it has a di-- 53 00:02:13,126 --> 00:02:16,501 No, not that. Let's fucking hit this kid with our devilish hypnosis 54 00:02:16,584 --> 00:02:17,668 like a hypno-possession. 55 00:02:17,751 --> 00:02:20,918 He can show those hoodlums how the devil says, "Good evening, motherfuckers." 56 00:02:21,001 --> 00:02:22,501 You won't make it. It's too far. 57 00:02:22,584 --> 00:02:26,543 That's why we'll do it together. All right. One, two, three! 58 00:02:30,209 --> 00:02:32,459 -[grunts] -Hey, you can say goodbye 59 00:02:32,543 --> 00:02:34,293 to your teeth, you fucking dickless nerd. 60 00:02:34,376 --> 00:02:38,043 [in demonic voice] But first, you will say goodbye to your tiny balls. 61 00:02:38,126 --> 00:02:39,126 [groans] 62 00:02:39,793 --> 00:02:41,584 Why, you! [grunts] 63 00:02:42,793 --> 00:02:46,751 [laughs] Did you see that? This is how it's done! Just one shot! 64 00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:49,376 You need to try harder. 65 00:02:49,459 --> 00:02:50,709 -[grunts] -[groans] 66 00:02:50,793 --> 00:02:52,959 [action music playing] 67 00:02:55,043 --> 00:02:56,459 [bottle shattering] 68 00:02:56,543 --> 00:02:57,959 He's not gonna make it now. 69 00:02:58,043 --> 00:03:01,709 A baseball bat plus a broken bottle equals a concussion and a sliced lip. 70 00:03:01,793 --> 00:03:05,626 You are forgetting that his brain is temporarily disabled by our hypnosis. 71 00:03:08,293 --> 00:03:09,709 Stop. You are going to hurt him! 72 00:03:09,793 --> 00:03:11,209 That's the goddamn plan. 73 00:03:11,793 --> 00:03:15,543 It's a good thing you've been knocked unconscious, you spineless piece of shit! 74 00:03:15,626 --> 00:03:19,043 I am going to leave you a painful souvenir on your ugly-ass mug. 75 00:03:20,126 --> 00:03:21,876 [screaming] 76 00:03:22,543 --> 00:03:24,626 Um… [chuckles] 77 00:03:24,709 --> 00:03:25,584 [groans] 78 00:03:26,584 --> 00:03:27,793 -[body hits the floor] -[grunts] 79 00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:31,834 Marcin, what's happening? Are you okay? 80 00:03:32,876 --> 00:03:34,876 [sinister music playing] 81 00:03:37,793 --> 00:03:40,209 EXORCISM AGENCY / CONSTRUCTION COMPANY BONER 82 00:03:40,293 --> 00:03:42,168 Where the hell is that stupid fucking dumbass? 83 00:03:42,251 --> 00:03:44,168 [chuckles] Oh, boss, come on, I'm right here. 84 00:03:44,251 --> 00:03:46,293 I was talking about the other dumbass, dumbass. 85 00:03:46,376 --> 00:03:48,793 Oh, you mean Marcinek. Maybe you should try to call him. 86 00:03:48,876 --> 00:03:50,959 I am calling him. He's not answering. 87 00:03:51,043 --> 00:03:53,751 He must be sleeping it off. He was on a big date yesterday. 88 00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:56,293 Gimme your phone, sir, I'm gonna give his girlfriend a call. 89 00:03:56,376 --> 00:03:57,293 I remember the number. 90 00:03:57,376 --> 00:03:59,084 -Agh! If you break it… -Yeah right. 91 00:04:00,751 --> 00:04:01,584 Hello? 92 00:04:02,084 --> 00:04:03,126 Hi, Mariola. 93 00:04:03,209 --> 00:04:04,626 Do you know where Marcin is? 94 00:04:04,709 --> 00:04:07,126 'Cause we're waiting for him. He's late for work. 95 00:04:07,626 --> 00:04:08,834 -What? -What? 96 00:04:08,918 --> 00:04:11,709 -Uh, wow, you don't freaking say! -What did she say? 97 00:04:11,793 --> 00:04:14,251 -Goddamn it! -Come on, idiot, you gotta tell me. 98 00:04:14,918 --> 00:04:17,918 Boss, you better take a seat because you're not gonna fucking believe this. 99 00:04:18,001 --> 00:04:21,501 Yesterday, while on his big date, Marcin took out four really big guys 100 00:04:21,584 --> 00:04:23,084 and snatched all of their wallets. 101 00:04:23,168 --> 00:04:26,084 Then he took off without Mariola and went on a wild vodka bender. 102 00:04:26,168 --> 00:04:27,543 No way! Holy shit! Really? 103 00:04:27,626 --> 00:04:31,584 See, I told you that under my authority he would finally improve. 104 00:04:31,668 --> 00:04:34,876 All right, let's go to work. He knows where to find us. 105 00:04:34,959 --> 00:04:38,209 [engine cranking] 106 00:04:38,293 --> 00:04:40,876 -Ugh! Get out, you're pushing. -Not again. Oh no! 107 00:04:40,959 --> 00:04:43,376 Stop whining. Today, it's only three kilometers. 108 00:04:45,084 --> 00:04:45,918 [chicken clucking] 109 00:04:46,001 --> 00:04:48,543 -[man] Shouldn't he be muzzled? -But how would he bite then? 110 00:04:48,626 --> 00:04:50,751 -Uh… -All right, tell me what's going on here? 111 00:04:50,834 --> 00:04:52,584 I really don't have all fucking day. 112 00:04:52,668 --> 00:04:55,293 I mean, I do, actually, so I'd like to put it to good use. 113 00:04:55,376 --> 00:04:58,668 Okay, I'll tell you. I'll tell you everything like in confession. 114 00:04:58,751 --> 00:05:00,793 You won't make heads or tails of it. 115 00:05:01,293 --> 00:05:05,043 It started about two weeks ago, when I heard noises coming from the barn. 116 00:05:05,126 --> 00:05:07,459 Something really bad got into it. 117 00:05:07,543 --> 00:05:09,418 The cows started to get nervous. 118 00:05:09,501 --> 00:05:12,376 All of the pigs… got nervous. 119 00:05:12,459 --> 00:05:16,709 At first, it all seemed harmless. They were just growling at one another. 120 00:05:16,793 --> 00:05:20,793 Like, "Moo-ve your stupid ass!" 121 00:05:20,876 --> 00:05:22,709 "Oink… off!" 122 00:05:22,793 --> 00:05:24,793 It came down to hand-to-hand combat. 123 00:05:24,876 --> 00:05:27,751 The cattle went after the entire group of pigs. 124 00:05:27,834 --> 00:05:29,668 And so then vice versa. 125 00:05:29,751 --> 00:05:32,001 The riots in the barn had lasted a few days. 126 00:05:32,084 --> 00:05:35,584 It calmed down when I separated them with an electric cattle prod. 127 00:05:35,668 --> 00:05:38,751 Then evil entered my cottage as well. 128 00:05:39,251 --> 00:05:42,959 My wife got super mad. I thought to myself, "It's normal." 129 00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:45,459 Then my wife moved out to her mother. 130 00:05:45,543 --> 00:05:47,376 I thought to myself, "Good riddance." 131 00:05:47,459 --> 00:05:51,418 But then, the friendly good spirit Bey also decided to leave. 132 00:05:51,501 --> 00:05:55,251 He lived behind the old wood stove and brought our family plenty of luck. 133 00:05:55,334 --> 00:05:56,501 And a subtle stench. 134 00:05:56,584 --> 00:05:59,584 If you don't breathe in through your nose, you really can't smell it. 135 00:05:59,668 --> 00:06:02,293 And there are these goddamn rat bastards everywhere! 136 00:06:02,376 --> 00:06:03,543 [rat squeals] 137 00:06:03,626 --> 00:06:05,376 [ominous music playing] 138 00:06:06,459 --> 00:06:07,543 [squealing] 139 00:06:07,626 --> 00:06:09,584 Motherfucking rat-demons! 140 00:06:09,668 --> 00:06:12,001 Mr. Stasiu, I have excellent news for you. 141 00:06:12,084 --> 00:06:14,376 You have considerably more luck than you have brains. 142 00:06:14,459 --> 00:06:17,459 That doesn't mean anything. I was pretty bad in school. 143 00:06:17,543 --> 00:06:18,834 -Hey, Domino. -Yes, boss? 144 00:06:18,918 --> 00:06:20,709 Go get the demon poison out of the van now 145 00:06:20,793 --> 00:06:22,918 and let's be sure to set it out in all the buildings. 146 00:06:23,001 --> 00:06:23,918 [Domino] On it! 147 00:06:24,876 --> 00:06:26,876 [upbeat music playing] 148 00:06:35,376 --> 00:06:36,876 [Domino] They're not coming out. 149 00:06:36,959 --> 00:06:39,459 The poison was a bit stale. Maybe that's what's taking so long. 150 00:06:39,543 --> 00:06:41,959 So I paid you 200 zloty for nothing? 151 00:06:42,043 --> 00:06:44,126 Sure I hope so. No, wait. Look there. 152 00:06:44,209 --> 00:06:46,209 [rats groaning] 153 00:06:48,584 --> 00:06:49,459 [door creaks] 154 00:06:49,543 --> 00:06:50,543 [grunting] 155 00:06:51,959 --> 00:06:53,501 [rats groaning] 156 00:06:54,959 --> 00:06:56,626 -[retching] -[squealing] 157 00:06:56,709 --> 00:06:59,543 [groans] My damn gut is about to explode. 158 00:06:59,626 --> 00:07:02,709 Shit, Lucjan, I told you not to eat those pink balls. 159 00:07:02,793 --> 00:07:05,001 How can I not eat them if they're so delicious? 160 00:07:05,084 --> 00:07:08,626 Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum! Mmm, so good! Oh, what a pain! 161 00:07:09,293 --> 00:07:10,293 [gun fires] 162 00:07:10,376 --> 00:07:11,459 Miss! 163 00:07:11,543 --> 00:07:13,126 What? Lucjan, did you fart? 164 00:07:16,126 --> 00:07:17,834 -Yeah, why? -Nothing, so did I. 165 00:07:17,918 --> 00:07:19,626 Ah, it fucking hurts! 166 00:07:20,209 --> 00:07:21,876 [gun firing] 167 00:07:21,959 --> 00:07:23,584 Miss. Miss. 168 00:07:24,334 --> 00:07:25,459 [gun firing 169 00:07:27,543 --> 00:07:30,126 Miss, miss, miss, and a duff shot. 170 00:07:30,209 --> 00:07:31,459 Dammit! 171 00:07:33,209 --> 00:07:34,543 [squealing] 172 00:07:36,876 --> 00:07:38,209 [squealing] 173 00:07:40,126 --> 00:07:41,543 [rats grunting] 174 00:07:41,626 --> 00:07:42,543 [squealing] 175 00:07:43,876 --> 00:07:45,543 -[stomping] -[rats squealing] 176 00:07:45,626 --> 00:07:46,501 [squeals] 177 00:07:47,959 --> 00:07:49,709 [retches, squeals] 178 00:07:49,793 --> 00:07:50,709 [squeals] 179 00:07:50,793 --> 00:07:53,793 [rats squealing] 180 00:07:54,584 --> 00:07:55,959 -[stomps] -[rat squeals] 181 00:07:56,043 --> 00:07:58,626 All done. The property is officially exorcized. 182 00:07:58,709 --> 00:08:01,084 Are you sure that is all of them? 183 00:08:01,168 --> 00:08:03,876 Yeah, if the big boss says that it's so, it means that most likely, 184 00:08:03,959 --> 00:08:05,584 you know, sometimes or possibly, 185 00:08:05,668 --> 00:08:07,626 with quite a bit of luck, it could be the case. 186 00:08:07,709 --> 00:08:10,876 Hell, hell, hell! Fucking hell, dudes! 187 00:08:10,959 --> 00:08:12,043 Bey! 188 00:08:12,126 --> 00:08:13,876 Wow! What a stench! 189 00:08:13,959 --> 00:08:17,293 Don't breathe through your nose, if you value your life. Ha! 190 00:08:17,376 --> 00:08:19,918 Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Boner. 191 00:08:20,001 --> 00:08:21,918 The good spirit is back at last! 192 00:08:22,001 --> 00:08:25,459 Happiness will finally come back to my house now. 193 00:08:25,543 --> 00:08:27,543 Don't shit yourself. Got any beer? 194 00:08:29,293 --> 00:08:30,876 [chuckles] What a jokester. 195 00:08:30,959 --> 00:08:32,376 [Marcin] Did I miss anything? 196 00:08:33,209 --> 00:08:36,959 Relax, Marcinek. The farm has been cleared of the annoying demonic rats. 197 00:08:37,043 --> 00:08:39,209 We'll just see about that. 198 00:08:39,293 --> 00:08:41,293 [foreboding music playing] 199 00:08:43,126 --> 00:08:44,626 Just what the hell is he up to? 200 00:08:45,501 --> 00:08:47,501 [gun firing] 201 00:08:49,709 --> 00:08:51,709 [firing continues] 202 00:08:57,043 --> 00:08:58,126 [door creaking] 203 00:08:59,001 --> 00:09:00,459 FIRST COMMUNION FAVOR 204 00:09:00,543 --> 00:09:01,626 [glass shattering] 205 00:09:01,709 --> 00:09:04,293 Fuck that. Goodbye! 206 00:09:04,376 --> 00:09:06,626 I'm off to bring luck to Mini Las Vegas. 207 00:09:06,709 --> 00:09:08,293 To the owner, of course. 208 00:09:09,459 --> 00:09:10,459 [objects clattering] 209 00:09:10,543 --> 00:09:12,543 [ominous music playing] 210 00:09:14,584 --> 00:09:16,626 [in normal voice] Uh… What happened? 211 00:09:17,376 --> 00:09:18,209 What did I do? 212 00:09:18,293 --> 00:09:19,709 You de-christianized the house. 213 00:09:19,793 --> 00:09:23,543 What? Oh no! This is not what we agreed. 214 00:09:23,626 --> 00:09:24,709 Gimme back my money! 215 00:09:25,959 --> 00:09:28,043 Retreat! 216 00:09:28,126 --> 00:09:29,209 [engine starts] 217 00:09:31,543 --> 00:09:33,293 [Boner] Well, as far as I can tell, 218 00:09:33,376 --> 00:09:37,126 Marcinek was under the influence of some tempter from hell. 219 00:09:37,209 --> 00:09:38,043 What? 220 00:09:38,126 --> 00:09:39,209 Not a powerful one though, 221 00:09:39,293 --> 00:09:41,418 since the effect wore off the very next day. 222 00:09:41,501 --> 00:09:44,584 But it looks like you're potentially more vulnerable to possession 223 00:09:44,668 --> 00:09:45,709 and stupid crap like that. 224 00:09:45,793 --> 00:09:47,543 Ah dammit, then I'm done for. 225 00:09:47,626 --> 00:09:51,043 Don't you worry a bit, my friend, you will get vaccinated against hell, 226 00:09:51,126 --> 00:09:53,793 and then in two weeks you'll be completely immune to demons 227 00:09:53,876 --> 00:09:55,709 -just like Domino is to knowledge. -[chuckles] 228 00:09:55,793 --> 00:09:57,126 Is it going to be safe? 229 00:09:57,626 --> 00:09:59,084 -What is it? -Don't worry. 230 00:09:59,168 --> 00:10:00,751 It's a never tested mixture. 231 00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:03,376 Antichristosaur's venom mixed with vodka. 232 00:10:03,459 --> 00:10:05,501 [sighs] I'm gonna regret… Ouch! 233 00:10:06,418 --> 00:10:07,876 -There. -So what happens now? 234 00:10:07,959 --> 00:10:09,834 And now we just wait a few minutes 235 00:10:09,918 --> 00:10:12,543 to see if he has any unexpected side effects to speak of. 236 00:10:12,626 --> 00:10:15,459 What side effects? I don't want any weird side effects. 237 00:10:15,543 --> 00:10:18,293 Just relax, Marcinek. It rarely happens. 238 00:10:18,376 --> 00:10:20,293 You see? Nothing weird is happening. 239 00:10:20,376 --> 00:10:21,668 Um… 240 00:10:22,209 --> 00:10:25,876 Hey, boss, please take a look at your compass. 241 00:10:27,043 --> 00:10:27,959 Uh-oh. 242 00:10:28,501 --> 00:10:30,876 I'm starting to think something is wrong here. 243 00:10:32,626 --> 00:10:35,626 [gurgling roar] 244 00:10:35,709 --> 00:10:37,709 Oh no, it's Super Creature! 245 00:10:37,793 --> 00:10:39,543 Something is definitely wrong here! 246 00:10:39,626 --> 00:10:43,251 [in demonic voice] Boredom! I'll kill you out of boredom! 247 00:10:43,334 --> 00:10:45,293 [gurgling roar] 248 00:10:45,376 --> 00:10:47,543 Dammit! Domino, get the rope! 249 00:10:48,126 --> 00:10:51,793 -[yelps] -Marcin, calm down! It's me, Domino! 250 00:10:51,876 --> 00:10:53,001 [grunts] 251 00:10:53,084 --> 00:10:55,959 -To the crapper! -[Domino] Dibs on the toilet! 252 00:10:56,043 --> 00:10:58,126 But I can also go in the sink if need be. 253 00:10:58,209 --> 00:10:59,126 [gurgling roar] 254 00:10:59,209 --> 00:11:02,001 Ouch! Ouch! Marcin, stop. You're gonna strangle us! 255 00:11:02,084 --> 00:11:04,126 Besides, I'm ticklish! [laughs] 256 00:11:04,209 --> 00:11:05,876 You're gonna die! 257 00:11:05,959 --> 00:11:06,918 Actually wait. 258 00:11:07,001 --> 00:11:07,959 Even better, 259 00:11:08,043 --> 00:11:11,459 you are going to entertain me with extremely inappropriate jokes instead. 260 00:11:11,543 --> 00:11:14,293 [sinister music playing] 261 00:11:15,043 --> 00:11:16,834 [Marcin laughs in demonic voice] I don't know. 262 00:11:16,918 --> 00:11:19,626 [Domino] If you pay enough, there isn't one. [laughs] 263 00:11:19,709 --> 00:11:22,084 [laughing] 264 00:11:22,168 --> 00:11:24,293 Motherfucker! [laughs] 265 00:11:24,376 --> 00:11:25,959 Although I don't really get the joke. 266 00:11:26,043 --> 00:11:26,876 Or this one. 267 00:11:26,959 --> 00:11:29,584 A sex addict walks into a ladies shoe store. 268 00:11:29,668 --> 00:11:31,876 The salesman asks, "Can I help you?" 269 00:11:31,959 --> 00:11:33,709 "No, I'll jerk myself off." 270 00:11:33,793 --> 00:11:36,376 [laughs] 271 00:11:36,459 --> 00:11:40,876 Good one! I can shit myself laughing! [laughs] 272 00:11:40,959 --> 00:11:41,834 Uh-oh. 273 00:11:41,918 --> 00:11:43,293 Excuse me for a moment. 274 00:11:43,376 --> 00:11:45,668 [laughs awkwardly] 275 00:11:46,668 --> 00:11:48,376 Damn, I'm running out of funny jokes. 276 00:11:48,459 --> 00:11:50,834 Boss, how long do these side effects usually last for, huh? 277 00:11:50,918 --> 00:11:52,001 Not too long. 278 00:11:52,084 --> 00:11:53,084 Like a few days. 279 00:11:54,126 --> 00:11:54,959 THE END 280 00:11:55,043 --> 00:11:57,043 [in Polish] ♪ Exorcist for less than three hundred ♪ 281 00:11:57,126 --> 00:12:00,376 ♪ Actually, it's two hundred If you want a bill, it'll cost you more ♪ 282 00:12:00,459 --> 00:12:03,418 ♪ Watch it, Beelzebutt You're gonna get your ass kicked ♪ 283 00:12:03,501 --> 00:12:06,543 ♪ Watch it, Buttcifer He's aiming at you ♪ 284 00:12:06,626 --> 00:12:11,501 [malevolent laugh]