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A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
2
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[theme music playing]
3
00:00:15,876 --> 00:00:19,293
[demon laughing]
4
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Look, Kleofas, it'll be soon...
5
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WHEN THE DEVIL IS AT HIS WITS END,
HE SENDS A WOMAN
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-Wait, hold on.
-[Kleofas] What?
7
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[demon] Is your name really Kleofas?
8
00:00:25,751 --> 00:00:27,251
[Kleofas] It's not. My name is Bartek,
9
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but I thought it sounded kinda shitty,
so I got re-christened.
10
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Well, re-satanized…
11
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Okay, never mind.
12
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[laughs]
13
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Listen, Kleofas, you and me
are about to become
14
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the biggest and most powerful
electric energy producers in Hell!
15
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Well, not just in Hell,
but absolutely everywhere!
16
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Watch out. I'm going up.
Just hold it so I don't fall off!
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Not like the last time.
18
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I was holding it!
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If you hadn't touched the wires,
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you wouldn't have been electrocuted
and fallen off.
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[demon] Dammit, Bartek, listen to me.
This is scary. But it's worth it.
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Soon you'll see. I even installed
an outlet at my place already.
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Too bad the only electrical device I own
is a toilet,
24
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but listen to me,
Rome wasn't built in a day.
25
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Actually, they built Piaseczno first…
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[laugh] Classic. 1 Man, 1 Jar.
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Oh, I gotta do this one next.
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"Two girls, one, uh…"
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[demon screams]
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[grunts]
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Oh shit. Grzechu, are you all right?
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[laughs hysterically]
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[upbeat music playing]
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So then, does this mean
that you and me are rich now?
35
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No, even better!
36
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It means that we can pay off
some of our debt now.
37
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Although, we'll still owe
a little bit more. Let's go back!
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Dummy, leave that fucking ladder.
Soon you'll be able to buy yourself two!
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Grzechu, I think
that we just passed the gate to Hell.
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Yeah, sure we did.
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We've been following the wire which will
lead straight to the gate to Hell....
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Oh, fucking shit.
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Hello, my friends.
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[whirring]
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Oh wow, Grzechu. Check out
that cool little power drill, will you?
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And this shows why technical schools
are much better than regular high schools.
47
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It's an angle grinder, moron.
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Bravo! Mr. Technician wins the big prize.
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Do I really? [screaming]
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Oh crap! What in Satan's name
did you do to Grzechu?
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I'll kill you!
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But first, I'll go back to Hell
for a nunchuck.
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Faster, faster, faster!
I hope he's not following me.
54
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Phew! He isn't.
55
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Okay, there's the gate to Hell. Hop!
56
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Oh no! Not the gate to Heaven!
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Ouch! It hurts so bad!
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I'm allergic to Heaven!
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Let me out!
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[gurgling in pain]
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The second one is done, boss,
we're good to go.
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Beautiful. Load the gate into the van,
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and let's go to the power plant
for our reward.
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This illegal operation's
officially terminated.
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[Beelzebutt] He used an angle grinder
and sent him to Heaven?
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That's right. Two entrepreneurs.
Two environmentalist entrepreneurs.
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They wanted to generate energy
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from alternative sources like
human electricity. He just killed them!
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[frustrated grunt] That Boner guy again!
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Fuck it, deploy our military!
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With all due respect, Your Hellishness,
and Your Son-Of-A-Bitch-Ness,
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We have a truce, sir.
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If we deploy our troops on Earth,
Heaven will respond.
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We're gonna get Armageddon.
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Fine. You're absolutely correct.
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-So what do we do instead then?
-[phone chiming]
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It's my wife.
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Yes, darling?
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What time is it?
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Damn it. I'm on my way!
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I need to get Kamilek from kindergarten.
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Ugh, women, am I right? Think about it.
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I'm the ruler of Hell,
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but she just grunts
and I run with my tail between my legs.
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They've certainly got their ways,
haven't they?
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A woman truly is
a man's greatest weakness.
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Hey, wait a sec.
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-[drill whirring]
-[zipping]
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Turn that shit off.
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-What?
-Turn the hammer drill off, you moron!
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[laughs]
92
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But I don't have a hammer,
this is just a drill.
93
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[sighs] It's exactly as I thought.
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You're grinding with a hammer drill,
95
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and you're making a whole bunch
of ugly-gaping holes in the bodywork.
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You fucking dumbass,
you're using left rotation
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and grinding against the grain.
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And a new grinder,
that's just a few years old,
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gone to waste already!
100
00:04:16,626 --> 00:04:18,959
Oh well, I'll just deduct it
from your weekly pay.
101
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But, boss, let me just point out
I already work for you for free.
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Mm-hmm. In that case,
it's three slaps to your scrawny neck.
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Oh wow, I got lucky then.
I thought it'd be four slaps.
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-Oh geez.
-One!
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-[Marcin] Boss.
-Quiet! I'm dealing with Domino.
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-Ah! Two!
-[yelps]
107
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-And three! What's up?
-[yelps]
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There's a panicked lady on the phone.
She's having some trouble with orbs.
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How many times do I have to tell you?
Orbs aren't real.
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Dunno. She says these ones are real.
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Twenty now, the rest when the job's done.
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Is that twenty per person
or is that for everybody?
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-Everybody.
-Hmm, that's not much.
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[softly] Don't be picky, Szczepan.
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Beggars can't be choosers.
You know we never get paid anyway.
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No one ever believes in us.
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[doorbell rings]
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Make up your mind,
or I'm calling the Witches.
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They'll do it for half that price.
120
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Okay, okay. Why so nervous,
Miss Sketchy Boss Lady?
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All right, boys, get into position!
122
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Ma'am, orbs just simply don't exist.
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It's just dust reflection
from a flashlight in the photo. There.
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But you owe us two hundred
for coming anyway… [chuckles]
125
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But I have no doubt
that we can work that out another way.
126
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Work it out with those guys first.
127
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[screaming] Get 'em!
128
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Follow me!
129
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Orbs? No fuckin' way.
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You'll believe it when
you'll pick up your teeth off the floor!
131
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-[gun fires]
-[grunts]
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Whoa, holy crapola! What the hell
have you done to Szczepan!
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[grunts, groans]
134
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What just happened, Szczepan?
135
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Mariusz, I have
something important to tell you.
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The fact is,
we aren't actually immortal orbs.
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We do live for a long time.
Three to four years, to be exact.
138
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But then it's finally over.
139
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Six feet under.
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And, as you've probably
already figured out,
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we are extremely easy to kill.
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Just a single blast from a shotgun
or even getting hit with a tennis shoe.
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Farewell, my dear friend.
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Please don't blame me for this.
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Except for the sticker on your back
that said "kick me in my stupid fat ass."
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That one was actually all my doing.
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[dying breath]
148
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[laughing] Szczepan, that bullet must've
messed with your ectoplasmic head!
149
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[laughs] So you say orbs aren't immortal?
Yeah right! Fuck you.
150
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[grunts, farts]
151
00:06:22,876 --> 00:06:24,876
[upbeat music playing]
152
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[screams]
153
00:06:29,209 --> 00:06:30,293
[screams]
154
00:06:30,376 --> 00:06:32,459
-[Marcin grunts]
-[screams]
155
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[screams]
156
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-[gun fires]
-[whimpers]
157
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[distant scared scream]
158
00:06:41,668 --> 00:06:42,834
[gun fires]
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[screams]
160
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[grunts]
161
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[grunts]
162
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[screams]
163
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[grunts]
164
00:06:56,626 --> 00:06:58,876
Damn, Piotrek,
Szczepan said we're immortal,
165
00:06:58,959 --> 00:07:00,584
but somehow I'm really not looking forward
166
00:07:00,668 --> 00:07:02,668
to getting slapped in the face
with that fly swatter.
167
00:07:02,751 --> 00:07:03,793
What are we doing?
168
00:07:03,876 --> 00:07:05,459
Let's wait this out on the balcony
169
00:07:05,543 --> 00:07:07,459
and we can get high
while we're at it, okay, dude?
170
00:07:07,543 --> 00:07:08,793
I'm convinced!
171
00:07:11,459 --> 00:07:13,959
We made it. That was the very last one.
172
00:07:14,043 --> 00:07:16,918
So it's like I said.
That will be two hundred zloty.
173
00:07:17,001 --> 00:07:19,751
Unless you want an invoice, ma'am,
but it's really not worth it.
174
00:07:19,834 --> 00:07:22,251
All right, Mr. Boner,
we've got a minor little problem.
175
00:07:22,334 --> 00:07:24,709
I've got only, um… Actually…
176
00:07:24,793 --> 00:07:26,876
Um, I've got absolutely no money at all.
177
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[dramatic music plays]
178
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Just don't fight him. You'd lose anyway.
179
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Earn his trust.
180
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I don't know, invite him over
to an apartment.
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You can sleep with him
if it's absolutely necessary.
182
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Then once he's asleep,
183
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you go up and you inject him with hemlock,
184
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and that'll finally be the end
of Bogdan Boner. You got all that?
185
00:07:44,793 --> 00:07:46,376
Yes, oh Dark One!
186
00:07:46,459 --> 00:07:50,876
Now, get your ass to Earth.
And if you do really, really well, then...
187
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-[phone chiming]
-Oh boy, get out. My wife's calling again.
188
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Hello?
189
00:07:54,459 --> 00:07:55,334
I've got no money,
190
00:07:55,418 --> 00:07:57,751
but to show my gratitude,
I'd like to invite you to stay
191
00:07:57,834 --> 00:07:59,293
for tea and moist yeast cake.
192
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Ooh! Yeast cake! Yum!
193
00:08:01,251 --> 00:08:02,584
And tea! My favorite!
194
00:08:02,668 --> 00:08:04,459
Boss, it'd be rude to say no to that.
195
00:08:04,543 --> 00:08:06,543
-Are we staying?
-Unfortunately not.
196
00:08:06,626 --> 00:08:08,876
Domino has to finish working on the van,
197
00:08:08,959 --> 00:08:11,543
and you, Marcinek,
have to watch this moron
198
00:08:11,626 --> 00:08:15,501
'cause he knows the job about as well as
an atheist knows how to pray, got it?
199
00:08:15,584 --> 00:08:18,459
I, however,
have got nothing else left to do today.
200
00:08:18,543 --> 00:08:20,543
[upbeat music playing]
201
00:08:24,709 --> 00:08:25,793
[wheels squeaking]
202
00:08:25,876 --> 00:08:27,959
CHEAP LAWN MOWING!
203
00:08:28,043 --> 00:08:31,084
-Why aren't we driving?
-Domino, we're just waiting for the boss.
204
00:08:31,168 --> 00:08:32,793
Did you see how hot that chick was?
205
00:08:32,876 --> 00:08:34,876
It'll be a short game.
Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.
206
00:08:34,959 --> 00:08:37,459
No way.
The tea has to carefully brew for a bit.
207
00:08:37,543 --> 00:08:40,293
If it's too hot at first, they actually
shouldn't drink it right away.
208
00:08:40,376 --> 00:08:42,709
Unless they mix half-and-half
with hot and cold water,
209
00:08:42,793 --> 00:08:43,959
but that's really hard.
210
00:08:44,043 --> 00:08:47,209
You gotta soak it in the cold water first
and then add the hot water.
211
00:08:47,293 --> 00:08:49,626
[snoring]
212
00:08:50,293 --> 00:08:51,626
[sinister music playing]
213
00:08:51,709 --> 00:08:53,418
[snoring]
214
00:08:55,584 --> 00:08:57,709
[snoring]
215
00:09:00,876 --> 00:09:03,668
Hey, boss, what's going on
with that twenty bucks for us?
216
00:09:03,751 --> 00:09:04,876
The job is done now.
217
00:09:04,959 --> 00:09:05,959
Shh.
218
00:09:09,793 --> 00:09:13,626
-What the fuck!
-[growls in slow motion]
219
00:09:13,709 --> 00:09:15,709
[classical music playing]
220
00:09:17,876 --> 00:09:20,209
[growls in slow motion]
221
00:09:21,293 --> 00:09:24,751
[in slow motion] Hey, so boss,
222
00:09:26,001 --> 00:09:29,084
how about it?
223
00:09:33,584 --> 00:09:36,209
Jesus!
224
00:09:37,209 --> 00:09:39,459
[grunts in slow motion]
225
00:09:39,584 --> 00:09:41,793
[screams in slow motion]
226
00:09:41,876 --> 00:09:45,209
[growls in slow motion]
227
00:09:54,418 --> 00:09:55,793
[dramatic music plays]
228
00:09:55,876 --> 00:09:57,209
[clicking]
229
00:09:57,293 --> 00:09:59,001
I'm all out of ammo.
230
00:09:59,084 --> 00:10:01,251
Come back, you got no chance!
231
00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:03,043
Definitely not in the crapper!
232
00:10:05,501 --> 00:10:06,543
[thuds, pops]
233
00:10:07,209 --> 00:10:09,043
We'll meet again, my sweetheart.
234
00:10:09,126 --> 00:10:10,126
Someday soon.
235
00:10:17,959 --> 00:10:19,584
That piece of dog shit.
236
00:10:19,668 --> 00:10:21,501
He promised me he used a condom.
237
00:10:22,376 --> 00:10:23,334
THE END
238
00:10:23,418 --> 00:10:25,418
[in Polish]
♪ Exorcist for less than three hundred ♪
239
00:10:25,501 --> 00:10:28,376
♪ Actually, it's two hundred
If you want a bill, it'll cost you more ♪
240
00:10:28,459 --> 00:10:31,334
♪ Watch it, Beelzebutt
You're gonna get your ass kicked ♪
241
00:10:31,418 --> 00:10:34,626
♪ Watch it, Buttcifer
He's aiming at you ♪
242
00:10:34,709 --> 00:10:39,793
[malevolent laugh]