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SEBUAH SIRI NETFLIX

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PROFESOR KENTUT
LAWAN MAKHLUK SUPER 3D!

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Awak suka filem itu, Mariola?

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Ya, tapi kaca mata 3D buat saya pening.

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Sebab ia tak boleh dimakan.

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Sudah tentu makan dua bungkus
bertih jagung pun tak membantu.

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PROFESOR KENTUT LAWAN MAKHLUK SUPER 3D

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Sial, Miras, itu memang mengagumkan!

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Sial, Profesor Kentut
kalahkan Makhluk Super menggunakan sains,

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semuanya dalam 3D!

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Apabila dia masukkan
obor plasma dalam punggung,

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ia sangat realistik.

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Betul! Apabila monyet zombi
berbentuk zakar muncul,

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saya hampir terkencing.

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Mujur saya dah kencing di belakang.

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Perkara terbaik yang pernah saya beli.

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Esok pun kita akan tengok?

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Buba, filem yang sama
enam hari berturut-turut?

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Sudah tentu! Sekarang,
kembali ke neraka. Jika bos perasan

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kita keluar tanpa kebenaran,
dia akan belasah kita sampai mati.

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Mulut awak celopar, nanti ia berlaku.

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Dengar, Mariolka.
Jika semuanya elok, beberapa tahun lagi

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saya akan beli kereta.

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- Semua sundal akan menjadi milik saya!
- Apa?

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Maksud saya, semua sandal
sebab saya tak pandai memandu.

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Bertenang, awak akan gembira.

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Awak sesat?

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Tak, kami di jalan yang betul, tuan.

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Ada masalah?

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Maksud saya, ayuh, Mariolka…

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Aduh! Bertenang, semua,
kita boleh berbincang.

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- Satu perkara mengganggu saya, Miras.
- Ya?

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Jika meriam kuark sejuta kali
lebih berkuasa daripada obor plasma

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kenapa Profesor tak gunakannya?

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Ia mudah. Meriam kuark tak muat untuk
disumbat dalam punggung Makhluk Super.

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Sekejap, Miras.

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Tengok!

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Hei!

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Sial!

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Aduh!

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Buba, awak fikir apa yang saya fikir?

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Ya. Bagaimana Makhluk Super menghidu
sedangkan dia tiada hidung…

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Bukan. Mari buat hipnosis syaitan
terhadap budak itu

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macam rasukan hipnosis

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supaya dia boleh tunjuk kemampuan syaitan.

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Mustahil, terlalu jauh.

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Sebab itu kita akan buat bersama.
Baiklah. Satu, dua, tiga!

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Sekarang, nerda,
ucap selamat tinggal kepada gigi awak.

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Pertama, ucap selamat tinggal
kepada zakar awak.

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Awak!

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Nampak? Itulah caranya! Sekali saja!

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Awak perlu berusaha lebih kuat.

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Dia tak akan terselamat.

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Pemukul besbol dan botol kaca,
maknanya konkusi dan luka.

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Awak lupa otak dia lumpuh
buat sementara waktu.

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Awak akan cederakan dia!

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Itulah rancangannya.

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Baguslah awak pengsan.

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Saya akan tinggalkan
cenderamata pada muka awak.

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Marcin, awak tak apa-apa?

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AGENSI PENGHALAU HANTU/
SYARIKAT PEMBINAAN BONER

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Di mana si bodoh itu?

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Bos, ayuh, saya di sini.

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Maksud saya si bodoh seorang lagi.

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Oh, Marcinek. Telefonlah dia!

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Dah.

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Dia tak jawab.

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Tentu dia tidur.
Semalam dia ada janji temu.

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Beri telefon. Saya tahu
nombor telefon teman wanita dia.

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- Jika awak pecah…
- Ya.

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Helo?

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Hai, Mariola.

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Awak tahu di mana Marcin?
Kami menunggu dia. Dia dah terlewat.

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- Apa?
- Apa?

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- Apa maksud awak?
- Apa?

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- Alamak!
- Cepat, beritahu saya.

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Bos, sila duduk dan jangan terkejut.

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Semasa janji temu semalam,
Marcin belasah empat lelaki

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dan ambil dompet mereka. Dia tinggalkan
Mariolka dan pergi minum vodka.

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Mustahil!

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Tengok, saya dah kata
dia akan berjaya di bawah didikan saya.

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Baiklah, mari bekerja.
Pandai-pandailah dia cari kita.

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- Keluar, awak tolak.
- Apa? Sekali lagi?

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Berhenti merungut. Hanya tiga kilometer.

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- Bukankah mulut dia patut diikat?
- Bagaimana dia mahu gigit?

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Beritahu saya apa berlaku.
Saya tiada masa.

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Ada masa tapi saya mahu
manfaatkan masa saya.

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Saya akan beritahu segalanya,
macam saya buat pengakuan.

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Tentu awak akan keliru.

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Semuanya bermula
dua minggu lalu di bangsal ini.

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Sesuatu yang teruk masuk.

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Lembu-lembu itu gementar.

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Khinzir pun gementar.

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Pada mulanya, ia tak mengancam.
Ia hanya menggeram kepada satu sama lain.

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Macam, "Moo… jahanam!"

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"Oink… berambus!"

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Akhirnya, pertempuran bermula.

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Lembu menyerang khinzir.

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Khinzir balas serangan.

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Rusuhan berterusan selama beberapa hari.

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Keadaan membaik selepas saya letak
pagar elektrik di tengah.

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Kemudian kejahatan masuk ke dalam kotej.

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Wanita itu naik angin.
Saya fikir, "Ia perkara biasa."

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Kemudian dia pindah ke rumah ibu dia.

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Saya fikir, "Berambuslah."

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Tapi roh baik yang mesra, Bey
pun pindah keluar.

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Dia tinggal di belakang dapur gas
dan dia beri kami tuah.

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Dan bau busuk.

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Awak tak boleh hidu
jika awak tak bernafas dari hidung.

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Tikus bangsat di merata tempat!

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Syaitan tikus!

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En. Stasiu, saya ada berita baik.

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Awak boleh bergantung pada akal awak.

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Ia tidak berguna.
Saya bukan pelajar terbaik.

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- Domino.
- Ya, bos?

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Keluarkan racun syaitan
dan sembur di dalam bangunan ini.

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Baiklah!

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Ia tak akan keluar.

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Racun itu dah luluhawa, itu sebabnya.

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Jadi saya bazirkan 200 zloty saya?

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Saya haraplah. Tidak, tunggu.

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Perut saya hampir meletup.

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Sial, saya kata jangan makan
bola merah jambu itu.

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Ia terlalu sedap, mustahil tak makan.

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Sangat sedap! Aduh, sakitnya!

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Awak tersasar!

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Lucjan, awak kentut?

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- Ya. Kenapa?
- Saya pun.

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Aduh, sakit!

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Tersasar dan tersasar.

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Tersasar dan jauh daripada sasaran.

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Jahanam!

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Selesai, laman ini bebas daripada syaitan.

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Awak yakin itu sudah cukup?

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Jika bos kata cukup, ada kemungkinan besar

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kadangkala,
dengan sedikit tuah, ia boleh berlaku.

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Hei!

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Aduhai!

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Bey!

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Wah! Bau yang pelik!

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Jangan bernafas dari hidung,
jika awak mahu hidup.

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Terima kasih, En. Bogdan.

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Roh yang baik dah kembali!

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Kebahagiaan akan kembali ke rumah saya.

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Jangan merapu. Ada bir?

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- Dia kelakar.
- Saya terlepas apa-apa?

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Tidak mengapa, Marcinek.
Ladang ini dah bebas perosak.

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Kita tengoklah nanti.

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Dia buat apa?

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PERJAMUAN KUDUS PERTAMA

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Jahanam, selamat tinggal!
Saya mahu hantar tuah ke Mini Las Vegas.

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Tentulah kepada pemiliknya.

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Apa berlaku?

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Saya buat apa?

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Awak mensekularkan rumah.

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Apa? Oh, tidak!
Ini bukan persetujuan kita.

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Pulangkan duit!

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Berundur!

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Marcinek di bawah pengaruh
penggoda dari neraka.

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Apa?

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Ia tak berkuasa sangat,
sebab esoknya kesan itu hilang.

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Tapi nampaknya
awak mudah dirasuk dan sebagainya.

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Sial, habislah saya.

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Bertenang, saya beri vaksin
untuk melawan neraka.

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Dalam dua minggu
awak kebal daripada syaitan

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macam Domino kebal daripada ilmu.

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Adakah ia selamat?

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- Apa itu?
- Jangan risau. Ia dah diuji.

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Bisa Antichristosaur dan vodka.

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Saya akan menyesal. Aduh!

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Ya.

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Sekarang apa?

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Kita perlu tunggu beberapa minit
untuk lihat jika ada kesan sampingan.

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Kecacatan apa? Saya tak mahu kecacatan!

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Bertenang, Marcinek, ia jarang berlaku.

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Lihat? Tiada apa berlaku.

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Bos, tolong tengok tanda salib.

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Macam ada masalah.

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Makhluk Super!

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Ia memang masalah besar!

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Bosan! Saya boleh mati kerana kebosanan!

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Alamak! Domino, ambil tali itu!

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Marcin, bertenang! Ini saya, Domino!

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Ke tandas!

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Saya dulu!

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Saya boleh guna singki jika perlu.

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Aduh! Marcin, hentikannya,
awak mencekik kami!

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Lagipun, saya geli!

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Kamu akan mati!

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Atau tunggu. Ini lebih baik.

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Kamu akan hiburkan saya
dengan jenaka kamu.

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Saya tak tahu.

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Tiada apa, jika awak bayar dengan cukup!

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Itu sangat kelakar!

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Walaupun saya tak faham sangat.

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Atau ini.

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00:11:26,959 --> 00:11:29,584
Penagih seks masuk kedai kasut.

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00:11:29,668 --> 00:11:31,876
Jurujual tanya, "Boleh saya bantu?"

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00:11:31,959 --> 00:11:33,626
"Saya akan layan diri saya."

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Bagus! Boleh ketawa sampai terberak!

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Maafkan saya.

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Alamak, saya dah tiada jenaka.

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Bos, kesan sampingan itu lama?

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Sekejap saja.

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Beberapa hari.

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TAMAT

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<i>Penghalau hantu kurang tiga ratus</i>

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<i>Sebenarnya, dua ratus</i>
<i>Jika mahu bil, bayarlah lebih</i>

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<i>Jaga-jaga, Beelzebutt</i>
<i>Awak akan dibelasah</i>

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<i>Jaga-jaga, Buttcifer</i>
<i>Dia menyasarkan awak</i>

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Terjemahan sari kata oleh
Zarifah Kamarulhisham