A NETFLIX SERIES
[theme music playing]
Hey, boss, I guess this is goodbye.
Oh crap! [grunts]
A FEW DAYS EARLIER…
HELL-BOIL SINNER COOKING BOILER REPAIRS
[spraying]
[objects clattering]
Damn it. Kamil! Kamil! Kamilek, can you hear me?
Ah shit, you moron, you killed him. Kamil!
Yeah right, I killed him. I sprayed it in his mouth just for fun.
This is a bug poison, you fucking idiot! What do you think we need these masks for?
He's dead.
Shit, why did I get you this damn job? I can't believe I even vouched for you!
If I get fired, I'll knock your teeth out.
Hold on. I've got an idea.
DISINFECTION DERATIZATION
DELICIOUS VODKA GARWOLIN
[sniffing]
Hey, give me a sip.
[gulping] Ah!
Er, uh, where am I? Uh, we were just playing at a concert.
What concert? You were just having a dream while you were laying there unconscious.
No! That's a damn shame! 'Cause it was fucking awesome!
The club was sold out, the place was jam-full,
we were rocking so hard on the stage
and best of all, all the chicks in the front row had their huge tits out.
Eh, it'd be really nice to play gigs again, right?
Damn sure! Right?
But no one's a fan of metal in hell.
Only satanic folk music.
Fuck it, let's play for humans. A complete concert tour around the world.
Are you crazy? Don't you remember how that shit ended last time around?
Whatever, we'll be careful.
First of all, to make sure there aren't any screw-ups,
one of us has to be sure to always stay sober-ish.
We'll choose who at random.
Fuck, knowing my kinda bad luck, it'll naturally be me every time.
Surely a few beers to cheer me up should be okay? [chuckles]
Come on now, beer's not alcohol. Of course it's okay. Cheers!
[gulping] Ah!
Hey! Give me some of that!
Oh, but guys, I already sold the drumkit I stole.
So what's the fucking problem? Just steal a third drum set.
[man] Hey, come on, let us in.
We've got money for the tickets. We have the exact amount.
There's no room. The show is completely sold out.
[crowd chanting] Fucking A! Ajronwejder play!
Fucking A! Ajronwejder play!
DRESSING ROOM
Defekator, finish your beer and get out on stage. Can't you hear them?
-And you weren't supposed to drink! -Jesus, I'm not really drinking.
It's just a beer.
[gulping, burping]
[crowd chanting] Fucking A! Ajronwejder play
[crowd cheering]
[heavy metal music playing]
Those devil costumes are awesome. Damn, they look fucking real.
Eh, they're all right.
They could be scarier and more intimidating while on stage
like Lady Gaga when she was in her meat dress.
[in Polish] ♪ We may be playing shitty But who plays great nowadays? ♪
♪ Our fans aren't picky 'Cause they listen to us drunk ♪
♪ For that price Don't expect too much ♪
♪ We play for a bottle ♪
♪ As for me, it can be ♪
What a racket! Fucking awesome!
Yeah, it's a kick-ass song!
I meant it's really fucking loud in here. And the song is average.
-So it's fucking great? Yeah! -Of course it's great. Fucking fire!
♪ We may not play right But at least we drink hard ♪
♪ Our lyrics are about fuck-knows-what It doesn't matter, I'm babbling anyway ♪
♪ Free concert ♪
♪ On the wall hangs such a sign ♪
♪ We don't care about the money ♪
♪ Beating the bar's record is the most important ♪
♪ Ajronwejder Our home is hell ♪
♪ Like after spicy food It burns like hell ♪
♪ Spicy food and the devil It's going to be hell ♪
♪ Fucking awesome chorus Four times hell ♪
[crowd cheering]
[laughs, speaking English] That's right! The next song will start soon, but first…
Cheers!
[sighs]
Grześ, what the hell? One of us was supposed to be sober.
[burps] Beer isn't alcohol.
[gulping] Ah!
Yee-haw! [laughs]
I guess we're all done playing now.
Follow me to the bar!
Storm it like you storm the hairdressers before the lockdown.
Oh crap!
Grzes, you weren't supposed to drink!
Don't worry, it's just some beer.
BEER
[sighs loudly] Follow me! Let's go to town!
[crowd clamoring]
Shit, it's gonna get messy again, isn't it?
Well, whatever shit happens it's on Grzes. He wasn't supposed to drink.
[gulping] Ah!
-Yee-haw! -[bottle shatters]
[Boner] See how badly you taped over, you moron?
Now the entire baseboard's covered in paint.
I did it right. That's how you professionally tape over.
You should've been more careful painting near the tape
instead of speeding through it like drunk racehorse with blinders on.
And also, we should've covered the floor in drop cloths before we even started.
What the hell for? Domino is much cheaper.
[chuckles]
-Oh yeah, actually, speaking of money… -Quiet, Marcinek.
Domino, turn that up.
Concert goers of the heavy metal group Ajronwejder
first completely demolished the pub, where the event was being held
and then proceeded to storm into one of the nearby go-go clubs
where they became very violent.
Luckily, the fans were only fighting each other
so no bystanders or witnesses were injured during this rampage.
However, two ambulances, that were called to the scene of the brawl, were damaged.
Here, we have some footage from outside the club.
[in Polish] ♪ Always and everywhere The guards of hell will be fucked ♪
-♪ Always and every-- ♪ -[bottles shattering]
Let us all hope that the band's next concert is a much calmer affair.
These musicians dressed as demons will perform tonight at the Lavatory club.
Those assholes are the idiot shitbag's
that got me punched in the face a while back.
And they're not dressing up. They are actual demons.
Uh, hey, boss?
Now the line has definitely been crossed.
Okay, let's do this quick and sloppy and go.
We are all going to a demon concert.
LAVATORY
[crowd] How long should we wait?
For fuck's sake! How long should we wait?
[Kamil] This is so cool! There's twice as many people tonight.
That's great. That means there'll be twice as much booze.
You know my idea was so fucking magnificent, no?
You know it! Right, man?
-Hey, what is this garbage? -[bottle shatters]
Non-alcoholic?
You keep telling yourself that beer's not alcohol.
But non-alcoholic beer is not beer.
We'll ask for normal ones later. Now we have to play.
No, we aren't gonna ask. We will demand it.
And we're gonna make some changes.
Whoever draws sober twice in a row gets to drink the third time around.
[crowd cheering]
[playing heavy metal music]
-[crowd booing] -Hey, why are we unplugged?
Shit, I don't know any acoustic chords.
[man 1] Give us our ticket money back!
[man 2] Exactly! Zero zloty!
Told you we should have invested in hiring a sound guy.
[Boner] At your service.
Put your hands up! Or in case I wasn't clear, put your fucking hands up!
-[gun fires] -Oh shit, it's that lunatic again. Run!
[all screaming in panic]
-[gun firing] -Marcinek, the exit!
All set!
[sighs]
-[van engine revving] -[tires screeching]
Uh-oh, they took the van.
Oh, they will pay for that.
They will pay for that.
Heh, so what are you gonna do about it, guys?
Didn't you see that he had a big fucking shotgun?
We're gonna hire a security guard for our next gig.
Holy shit, Grzesiek, don't you fucking tell me that you really want to ask
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named to help us out.
[foreboding music playing]
The Defibrillator!
-[thunder crashing] -[sinister music playing]
[crickets chirping]
That's him.
Hold on, don't get any closer
or we will surprise him and he might accidentally tase us.
Let's talk from here. Hey there, big man! Long time no see!
-He doesn't know you mean him. -Goddamn it!
We are standing in an open field.
Never mind. So here goes nothing.
Hey there, Defibrillator!
-[thunder crashing] -[sinister music playing]
Holy shit, did you just see that? Hey, Grzes, what's up?
Nothing, just got some business to discuss.
-How much do you make here? -Let's just say I cannot complain.
Though I don't have any reason to be pleased either,
but hey, I mean, a job is a job, am I right? [laughs]
-These are llamas, right? -Careful, they spit.
What if you used an electric fence, wouldn't that be a better idea?
Hey, what's your deal here, man?
This land's perimeter is two and a half thousand meters.
And the wire costs 80 grosz per meter.
So you do the math of how much that would fucking cost.
A fortune! And it uses so much electricity!
And that is why the owner of the land hired me to keep watch.
Because I'm cheaper and almost as effective--
Where the fuck are you going, you stupid animal?
[sighs] He was too fast. Oh well, he won't eat all of it.
Out of curiosity, what is the job offer?
We need a security guard at our concerts.
Well, it does sound like the perfect job for me,
but unfortunately,
I gave the owner my word that I would watch over these llamas.
-And the Defibrillator's word… -[thunder crashes]
Oh, pardon. The word of Defib-mm-mm-mm…
[thunder rumbles softly]
…is worth far more than money. Out of curiosity, how much is the pay?
Well, there is a catch with that.
There is no pay,
however, there is a lot of free beer for the band and its crew at all the gigs.
Beer isn't alcohol.
And vodka.
Not many people.
They will come when we start playing. Hit it.
[playing cymbal]
[sinister music plays]
Uh-oh!
And now, boys, you can say goodbye to your fucking--
Domino, what the hell's with the checkers?
Relax, boss, I'm good at checkers. They don't stand a fucking chance.
[sighs]
-[gun firing] -[mic feedback]
-[gun clicking] -I'm all out of ammunition.
There's no athletic shoes allowed in the venue!
[roaring]
[laughs]
My body is as hard as a teenager's dick.
Give me that! [grunts]
Hey, boss, I guess this is goodbye.
Oh crap! [grunts]
Oh no. That's enough of that. Sit down and fight me!
Which one do you pick? I choose white.
[grunts]
[laughs] Did you see that? Stomped on him like in shit!
Ha! Stomped on him like stomping on shit. Good one!
[laughs]
[gasps]
Uh, what happened?
Look, this moron sprayed insect killer inside
before any of us managed to put on our masks on.
What? Are you kidding me?
All of those concerts were just in our dreams?
And we didn't defeat that asshole exorcist, Boner, at all?
Ahh, that's so lame though!
Wait, I have an idea.
Oh, shit! Kamil, put the spray down or I'm gonna kick your ass…
[grunts]
[spraying]
THE END
[in Polish] ♪ Ajronwejder Our home is hell ♪
♪ Like after spicy food It burns like hell ♪
♪ Spicy food and the devil It's going to be hell ♪
♪ Fucking awesome chorus Four times hell ♪