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A NETFLIX SERIES
2
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[theme music playing]
3
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Hey, boss, I guess this is goodbye.
4
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Oh crap! [grunts]
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A FEW DAYS EARLIER…
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HELL-BOIL SINNER COOKING BOILER REPAIRS
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[spraying]
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[objects clattering]
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Damn it. Kamil! Kamil!
Kamilek, can you hear me?
10
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Ah shit, you moron, you killed him. Kamil!
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Yeah right, I killed him. I sprayed it
in his mouth just for fun.
12
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This is a bug poison, you fucking idiot!
What do you think we need these masks for?
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He's dead.
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Shit, why did I get you this damn job?
I can't believe I even vouched for you!
15
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If I get fired, I'll knock your teeth out.
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Hold on. I've got an idea.
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DISINFECTION
DERATIZATION
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DELICIOUS VODKA
GARWOLIN
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[sniffing]
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Hey, give me a sip.
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[gulping] Ah!
22
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Er, uh, where am I?
Uh, we were just playing at a concert.
23
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What concert? You were just having a dream
while you were laying there unconscious.
24
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No! That's a damn shame!
'Cause it was fucking awesome!
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The club was sold out,
the place was jam-full,
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we were rocking so hard on the stage
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and best of all, all the chicks
in the front row had their huge tits out.
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Eh, it'd be really nice
to play gigs again, right?
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Damn sure! Right?
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But no one's a fan of metal in hell.
31
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Only satanic folk music.
32
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Fuck it, let's play for humans.
A complete concert tour around the world.
33
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Are you crazy? Don't you remember
how that shit ended last time around?
34
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Whatever, we'll be careful.
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First of all, to make sure
there aren't any screw-ups,
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one of us has to be sure
to always stay sober-ish.
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We'll choose who at random.
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Fuck, knowing my kinda bad luck,
it'll naturally be me every time.
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Surely a few beers to cheer me up
should be okay? [chuckles]
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Come on now, beer's not alcohol.
Of course it's okay. Cheers!
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[gulping] Ah!
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Hey! Give me some of that!
43
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Oh, but guys,
I already sold the drumkit I stole.
44
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So what's the fucking problem?
Just steal a third drum set.
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[man] Hey, come on, let us in.
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We've got money for the tickets.
We have the exact amount.
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There's no room.
The show is completely sold out.
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[crowd chanting] Fucking A!
Ajronwejder play!
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Fucking A! Ajronwejder play!
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DRESSING ROOM
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Defekator, finish your beer
and get out on stage. Can't you hear them?
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-And you weren't supposed to drink!
-Jesus, I'm not really drinking.
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It's just a beer.
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[gulping, burping]
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[crowd chanting] Fucking A!
Ajronwejder play
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[crowd cheering]
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[heavy metal music playing]
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Those devil costumes are awesome.
Damn, they look fucking real.
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Eh, they're all right.
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They could be scarier
and more intimidating while on stage
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like Lady Gaga
when she was in her meat dress.
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[in Polish] ♪ We may be playing shitty
But who plays great nowadays? ♪
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♪ Our fans aren't picky
'Cause they listen to us drunk ♪
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♪ For that price
Don't expect too much ♪
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♪ We play for a bottle ♪
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♪ As for me, it can be ♪
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What a racket! Fucking awesome!
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Yeah, it's a kick-ass song!
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I meant it's really fucking loud in here.
And the song is average.
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-So it's fucking great? Yeah!
-Of course it's great. Fucking fire!
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♪ We may not play right
But at least we drink hard ♪
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♪ Our lyrics are about fuck-knows-what
It doesn't matter, I'm babbling anyway ♪
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♪ Free concert ♪
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♪ On the wall hangs such a sign ♪
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♪ We don't care about the money ♪
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♪ Beating the bar's record
is the most important ♪
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♪ Ajronwejder
Our home is hell ♪
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♪ Like after spicy food
It burns like hell ♪
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♪ Spicy food and the devil
It's going to be hell ♪
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♪ Fucking awesome chorus
Four times hell ♪
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[crowd cheering]
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[laughs, speaking English] That's right!
The next song will start soon, but first…
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Cheers!
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[sighs]
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Grześ, what the hell?
One of us was supposed to be sober.
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[burps] Beer isn't alcohol.
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[gulping] Ah!
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Yee-haw! [laughs]
89
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I guess we're all done playing now.
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Follow me to the bar!
91
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Storm it like you storm
the hairdressers before the lockdown.
92
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Oh crap!
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Grzes, you weren't supposed to drink!
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Don't worry, it's just some beer.
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BEER
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[sighs loudly]
Follow me! Let's go to town!
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[crowd clamoring]
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Shit, it's gonna
get messy again, isn't it?
99
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Well, whatever shit happens it's on Grzes.
He wasn't supposed to drink.
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[gulping] Ah!
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-Yee-haw!
-[bottle shatters]
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[Boner] See how badly
you taped over, you moron?
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Now the entire baseboard's
covered in paint.
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I did it right.
That's how you professionally tape over.
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You should've been more careful
painting near the tape
106
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instead of speeding through it
like drunk racehorse with blinders on.
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And also, we should've covered the floor
in drop cloths before we even started.
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What the hell for? Domino is much cheaper.
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[chuckles]
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-Oh yeah, actually, speaking of money…
-Quiet, Marcinek.
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Domino, turn that up.
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Concert goers
of the heavy metal group Ajronwejder
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first completely demolished the pub,
where the event was being held
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and then proceeded to storm
into one of the nearby go-go clubs
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where they became very violent.
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Luckily, the fans were
only fighting each other
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so no bystanders or witnesses
were injured during this rampage.
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However, two ambulances, that were called
to the scene of the brawl, were damaged.
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Here, we have some footage
from outside the club.
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[in Polish] ♪ Always and everywhere
The guards of hell will be fucked ♪
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-♪ Always and every-- ♪
-[bottles shattering]
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Let us all hope that the band's
next concert is a much calmer affair.
123
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These musicians dressed as demons
will perform tonight at the Lavatory club.
124
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Those assholes are the idiot shitbag's
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that got me punched in the face
a while back.
126
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And they're not dressing up.
They are actual demons.
127
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Uh, hey, boss?
128
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Now the line has definitely been crossed.
129
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Okay, let's do this
quick and sloppy and go.
130
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We are all going to a demon concert.
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LAVATORY
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[crowd] How long should we wait?
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For fuck's sake! How long should we wait?
134
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For fuck's sake! How long should we wait?
135
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[Kamil] This is so cool!
There's twice as many people tonight.
136
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That's great. That means
there'll be twice as much booze.
137
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You know my idea
was so fucking magnificent, no?
138
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You know it! Right, man?
139
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-Hey, what is this garbage?
-[bottle shatters]
140
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Non-alcoholic?
141
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You keep telling yourself
that beer's not alcohol.
142
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But non-alcoholic beer is not beer.
143
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We'll ask for normal ones later.
Now we have to play.
144
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No, we aren't gonna ask.
We will demand it.
145
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And we're gonna make some changes.
146
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Whoever draws sober twice in a row
gets to drink the third time around.
147
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[crowd cheering]
148
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[playing heavy metal music]
149
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-[crowd booing]
-Hey, why are we unplugged?
150
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Shit, I don't know any acoustic chords.
151
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[man 1] Give us our ticket money back!
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[man 2] Exactly! Zero zloty!
153
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Told you we should have
invested in hiring a sound guy.
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[Boner] At your service.
155
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Put your hands up! Or in case
I wasn't clear, put your fucking hands up!
156
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-[gun fires]
-Oh shit, it's that lunatic again. Run!
157
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[all screaming in panic]
158
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-[gun firing]
-Marcinek, the exit!
159
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All set!
160
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[sighs]
161
00:07:17,293 --> 00:07:19,376
-[van engine revving]
-[tires screeching]
162
00:07:21,501 --> 00:07:23,626
Uh-oh, they took the van.
163
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Oh, they will pay for that.
164
00:07:25,709 --> 00:07:27,168
They will pay for that.
165
00:07:27,251 --> 00:07:29,001
Heh, so what are you gonna
do about it, guys?
166
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Didn't you see that
he had a big fucking shotgun?
167
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We're gonna hire a security guard
for our next gig.
168
00:07:34,293 --> 00:07:37,584
Holy shit, Grzesiek, don't you fucking
tell me that you really want to ask
169
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He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named to help us out.
170
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[foreboding music playing]
171
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The Defibrillator!
172
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-[thunder crashing]
-[sinister music playing]
173
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[crickets chirping]
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That's him.
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Hold on, don't get any closer
176
00:07:58,751 --> 00:08:01,251
or we will surprise him
and he might accidentally tase us.
177
00:08:01,334 --> 00:08:04,793
Let's talk from here.
Hey there, big man! Long time no see!
178
00:08:08,043 --> 00:08:10,376
-He doesn't know you mean him.
-Goddamn it!
179
00:08:10,459 --> 00:08:12,459
We are standing in an open field.
180
00:08:12,543 --> 00:08:14,751
Never mind. So here goes nothing.
181
00:08:14,834 --> 00:08:16,876
Hey there, Defibrillator!
182
00:08:16,959 --> 00:08:19,126
-[thunder crashing]
-[sinister music playing]
183
00:08:19,209 --> 00:08:22,459
Holy shit, did you just see that?
Hey, Grzes, what's up?
184
00:08:22,543 --> 00:08:24,709
Nothing, just got
some business to discuss.
185
00:08:24,793 --> 00:08:28,376
-How much do you make here?
-Let's just say I cannot complain.
186
00:08:28,459 --> 00:08:30,793
Though I don't have any reason
to be pleased either,
187
00:08:30,876 --> 00:08:34,626
but hey, I mean,
a job is a job, am I right? [laughs]
188
00:08:34,709 --> 00:08:36,543
-These are llamas, right?
-Careful, they spit.
189
00:08:36,626 --> 00:08:39,293
What if you used an electric fence,
wouldn't that be a better idea?
190
00:08:39,376 --> 00:08:41,459
Hey, what's your deal here, man?
191
00:08:41,543 --> 00:08:44,584
This land's perimeter
is two and a half thousand meters.
192
00:08:44,668 --> 00:08:47,084
And the wire costs 80 grosz per meter.
193
00:08:47,168 --> 00:08:49,876
So you do the math of how much
that would fucking cost.
194
00:08:49,959 --> 00:08:52,793
A fortune!
And it uses so much electricity!
195
00:08:52,876 --> 00:08:55,834
And that is why the owner of the land
hired me to keep watch.
196
00:08:55,918 --> 00:08:58,126
Because I'm cheaper
and almost as effective--
197
00:08:58,209 --> 00:09:00,501
Where the fuck are you going,
you stupid animal?
198
00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:06,543
[sighs] He was too fast.
Oh well, he won't eat all of it.
199
00:09:06,626 --> 00:09:08,626
Out of curiosity, what is the job offer?
200
00:09:08,709 --> 00:09:10,709
We need a security guard at our concerts.
201
00:09:10,793 --> 00:09:13,126
Well, it does sound like
the perfect job for me,
202
00:09:13,209 --> 00:09:14,376
but unfortunately,
203
00:09:14,459 --> 00:09:17,751
I gave the owner my word that
I would watch over these llamas.
204
00:09:17,834 --> 00:09:20,543
-And the Defibrillator's word…
-[thunder crashes]
205
00:09:20,626 --> 00:09:23,709
Oh, pardon. The word of Defib-mm-mm-mm…
206
00:09:23,793 --> 00:09:25,626
[thunder rumbles softly]
207
00:09:25,709 --> 00:09:29,293
…is worth far more than money.
Out of curiosity, how much is the pay?
208
00:09:29,376 --> 00:09:30,834
Well, there is a catch with that.
209
00:09:30,918 --> 00:09:31,834
There is no pay,
210
00:09:31,918 --> 00:09:35,709
however, there is a lot of free beer for
the band and its crew at all the gigs.
211
00:09:35,793 --> 00:09:37,126
Beer isn't alcohol.
212
00:09:37,209 --> 00:09:38,209
And vodka.
213
00:09:43,709 --> 00:09:44,668
Not many people.
214
00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:46,959
They will come
when we start playing. Hit it.
215
00:09:47,626 --> 00:09:49,293
[playing cymbal]
216
00:09:49,376 --> 00:09:51,126
[sinister music plays]
217
00:09:51,209 --> 00:09:52,376
Uh-oh!
218
00:09:52,459 --> 00:09:55,293
And now, boys,
you can say goodbye to your fucking--
219
00:09:55,376 --> 00:09:57,001
Domino, what the hell's with the checkers?
220
00:09:57,084 --> 00:10:00,084
Relax, boss, I'm good at checkers.
They don't stand a fucking chance.
221
00:10:00,168 --> 00:10:01,084
[sighs]
222
00:10:01,709 --> 00:10:04,543
-[gun firing]
-[mic feedback]
223
00:10:04,626 --> 00:10:07,293
-[gun clicking]
-I'm all out of ammunition.
224
00:10:09,376 --> 00:10:12,709
There's no athletic shoes allowed
in the venue!
225
00:10:12,793 --> 00:10:14,543
[roaring]
226
00:10:17,626 --> 00:10:18,793
[laughs]
227
00:10:18,876 --> 00:10:21,709
My body is as hard as a teenager's dick.
228
00:10:21,793 --> 00:10:23,334
Give me that! [grunts]
229
00:10:25,459 --> 00:10:28,043
Hey, boss, I guess this is goodbye.
230
00:10:28,876 --> 00:10:30,959
Oh crap! [grunts]
231
00:10:31,043 --> 00:10:34,793
Oh no. That's enough of that.
Sit down and fight me!
232
00:10:34,876 --> 00:10:36,793
Which one do you pick? I choose white.
233
00:10:36,876 --> 00:10:37,876
[grunts]
234
00:10:37,959 --> 00:10:40,626
[laughs] Did you see that?
Stomped on him like in shit!
235
00:10:40,709 --> 00:10:43,251
Ha! Stomped on him
like stomping on shit. Good one!
236
00:10:43,334 --> 00:10:45,709
[laughs]
237
00:10:49,709 --> 00:10:51,751
[laughs]
238
00:10:51,834 --> 00:10:52,751
[gasps]
239
00:10:53,251 --> 00:10:54,918
Uh, what happened?
240
00:10:55,001 --> 00:10:57,709
Look, this moron sprayed
insect killer inside
241
00:10:57,793 --> 00:10:59,876
before any of us managed
to put on our masks on.
242
00:10:59,959 --> 00:11:01,334
What? Are you kidding me?
243
00:11:01,418 --> 00:11:03,418
All of those concerts
were just in our dreams?
244
00:11:03,501 --> 00:11:06,209
And we didn't defeat
that asshole exorcist, Boner, at all?
245
00:11:06,293 --> 00:11:07,918
Ahh, that's so lame though!
246
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:09,126
Wait, I have an idea.
247
00:11:09,209 --> 00:11:12,959
Oh, shit! Kamil, put the spray down
or I'm gonna kick your ass…
248
00:11:13,043 --> 00:11:14,626
[grunts]
249
00:11:15,126 --> 00:11:16,126
[spraying]
250
00:11:16,209 --> 00:11:17,043
THE END
251
00:11:17,126 --> 00:11:18,834
[in Polish] ♪ Ajronwejder
Our home is hell ♪
252
00:11:18,918 --> 00:11:21,584
♪ Like after spicy food
It burns like hell ♪
253
00:11:21,668 --> 00:11:24,043
♪ Spicy food and the devil
It's going to be hell ♪
254
00:11:24,126 --> 00:11:26,876
♪ Fucking awesome chorus
Four times hell ♪