A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
[theme music playing]
[priest] He lived as well as he could afford…
THE GRIM SLURPER
…and since he wasn't able to afford much,
he lived in debt
and his life came to a sad and pathetic end
in a borrowed Honda…
[man] That was a brand-new Accord!
Made only 15 years ago and in December,
so kind of like 14 years ago.
Who's gonna give me my money back?
Although he was only driving a little bit over the posted speed limit,
the car was tightly wedged into a garbage truck like a lacy thong in a…
[clears throat]
…in the place where the devil says goodnight.
Whoa, that's really offensive!
But I guess that's what happens when your automobile brakes are old and air-locked
and you bribe your way out of an overdue technical inspection.
[man] I may have offered a bribe,
but only an idiot fixes a car that still runs.
[priest] Andrzej, may you rest in peace!
In the name of the Father,
and the Son
and all the rest.
Goodbye.
[crying]
[monotone hum]
Hey, boss, when will I get to… [grunt]
Be quiet! I'm trying to feed.
[monotone hum]
[dog barking in the distance]
Hey, boss.
I'm sorry to speak so boldly, but when will I be able to eat?
-Hey, Mud, am I your servant or you mine? -[whimpers]
Haven't you learned yet?
You get to eat after I eat.
Don't worry, the widow will come soon and as she's weeping for her husband,
I shall feast! I shall feast, I say!
But how long can she stay at that goddamn wake?
Wait.
Well, there she is finally!
[muffled laughter]
What's this guy doing here?
Would you look at that slutty old bitch!
Her husband's body isn't even cold yet and she's already brought another man!
[gasps] Whatever.
[screams]
[inhales deeply]
[monotone hum]
What the hell?
Shit, don't tell me she doesn't care about this one either.
Okay, then.
Pew! One and done!
All right, let's get out of here! I just thought of a very good plan.
-Boss, wait, you're not an angel any-- -[grunts]
…more.
MINI LAS VEGAS CAFE 24H
[arcade game music playing]
[coin clinking]
[chiming]
[sighs loudly]
Envy causes great suffering, Mud.
And the greatest envy of all,
is the intense envy that mankind inevitably has of his neighbors.
And all that is required to make it really fester,
is to go out and give that neighbor
a little bit of a helping hand so we can get the ball out and rolling.
[coin clinking]
[chiming, fanfare]
[laughs joyfully]
[coins clinking]
[shooing]
-[brakes screeches] -Oh, goddamn it.
-[car door closes] -Hey, Wiechlina,
where did you get that new car, huh?
I earned it fair and square.
[laughs]
And make sure I don't see any of those shitting birds flying over my property,
or they're definitely gonna meet my gun.
[door lock chirps]
[crickets chirping]
[man] He's a thief.
That little piece of shit.
That slimy cunning Judas.
He got that car just to spite me.
I can feel it in my heart.
And it doesn't even run on gas.
It's diesel!
[monotone hum]
That's what I call a proper feast!
My genius truly knows no bound.
Mud!
I'm going to take a magnificent shit.
[man] Hid it in the garage, the little weasel.
But that won't help him one bit.
Bon appetit.
[monotone hum]
Actually, I'm completely satiated. Mud, hurry up, we've gotta go.
We'll come back and feast tomorrow. Hop!
[grunts]
[man] Let me teach you a lesson, you son of a bitch.
You can shove that car up your ass.
I hope at least the body had to be repaired.
I mean, it must've been. It's from a used car lot.
Hopefully, it was repaired so badly
that it'll fall apart the minute you drive through the gate,
and to make sure, I'm gonna scatter some sharp nails over there tomorrow.
THIEF, FRAUD! GET OUT! SHOVE THAT SEAT UP YOUR ASS
[rooster crowing]
[woman] Stefan! Stefan, get up, quickly!
[yawn]
I was having such a nice beautiful dream!
Not only did Wiechlina's new car slam into a tree,
they also suspended his license for three months for drunk driving.
Well, this'll wipe the smile off your face. Over there.
[dramatic music plays]
Err…
Not only are they renovating the entire house,
it looks like they're having a satellite dish installed
up there on the roof!
Don't tell me they went and got themselves a TV.
TV HD HWDP WIDESCREEN 75 INCHES
Oh Jesus!
Halinka…
Mister, I don't want this circus clown to fall off the roof!
Eh, not much of a loss.
No, if he slips and falls off, he could break the antenna.
Domino, you hear that?
If you break that dish you'll never get paid again
and you'll have to pay for the damage on your own.
It comes right out of your pocket!
Okay, okay, fine, boss, take it easy. I won't break it.
And how would I pay for it with no money to my name?
Now, a zip-tie instead of a screw…
There.
One should do it.
And instead of an antenna cable, to save on expensive materials,
we're gonna use a regular cable.
Hold on. What's going on over there?
[ominous music plays]
[gasps, grunts]
[grunts]
Oh, Jesus.
No– Jesus.
I thought it was the antenna that fell.
It's all in place. You can flip through the channels.
Well, finally.
Grażynka! Go turn on the TV!
[Domino] Hey, boss, it's not good.
[whispering indistinctly]
You're goddamn right.
It's really not good at all.
No, it's abso-fucking awesome.
[theme music plays]
[groaning]
Oh, Jesus.
Oh wow, Mud… [belches]
I'm totally stuffed!
[belches]
Like a drunk auntie at a wedding reception.
[belches]
So maybe we can go then?
Hang on a minute… [belches]
It just needs to settle a bit. [belches]
Whoa, mama.
[Boner] Don't move, motherfuckers!
Or my noisy barreled little friend I got here
will pump you two undead goons full of red hot lead, got it?
[laughs]
[burps]
[laughs mockingly]
You stupid and ignorant mortal!
Grim Slurpers like me are invincible!
At absolute worst, that little toy of yours could only kill my servant!
Thank you very much, boss.
[clicks tongue]
[grunts]
[groans]
Hey boss, before I die, I…
I have to admit something to you…
I wasn't actually feeding on your excrement.
I would bury it, and then I'd sneak away and go order a pizza.
But don't you worry.
It was a seafood pizza,
so even worse than shit.
Farewell. [groans, farts]
Ah, you son of a bitch, how dare you!
Sorry, but I made a deal with the neighbor and he's gonna pay me a lot of money
if Wiechlina's luck starts to run dry.
I'm not talking to you.
You son of a bitch, where did you get the money to buy pizza?
And he's made a nasty hole in my head, the fucker!
What's that going to do to my look?
Magic!
[cooing]
Go fly!
[fluttering]
Fire away!
[laughs]
And finally, now…
Oh no, please no, not the lasso!
Let me go. I can't do any magic!
[screams in pain]
Domino, step on it!
[engine revving]
[tires screeching]
[brakes squealing]
[door slams]
Stupid fucking shitting birds!
I'd be glad if I were you.
They say that it brings good luck.
I doubt it.
Because what I'm about to do, my fine friend,
is just about as far as you can get from good luck.
[Marcin] What now, boss? How are we supposed to kill him if he's immortal?
[Boner] He can't be killed with a shovel, knife,
or even with a machine gun.
Instead, he's getting his power from all human misfortune.
But he will die if you cut off his feed.
[laughs]
You idiots!
I don't know if any of you noticed,
but I got so fat off this feed,
that I can easily last a couple hundred years!
Not to worry, my fat fiendish friend.
We're going to give you an accelerated treatment for weight loss.
Marcinek, here you go!
Err…
Your overdue salary.
What? But… [chuckles]
Oh crap, thank you so much!
Hey, just what are you trying to pull?
But, boss, you've given me 300 too much.
No, that's correct.
You've just been given a raise! You hear that?
Oh, boss, do you mean it?
Ha, I… [laughs joyfully]
You sneaky little bastard, I see what you're trying to do!
Oh, I get it now!
Grim Slurpers start to lose their power when people are really happy!
In a few minutes, he'll be done for.
Hold on. [laughs]
The little shit's not happy at all. He's pretending.
[in singsong] I'm going to be fine!
What? You're not happy yet?
-Boss, I've never been happier in my life! -[Domino] Got it!
Marcin is happy, but the boss is as upset about the money
as an Antichristosaurus during a confirmation,
so it all cancels out!
[sighs] The idiot-moron is right.
Fine then. Marcinek, loan me a hundred.
I'm going for a drink, and you stay here and be happy.
This should all be over before dawn.
-What? -[door opens, closes]
No! Come back!
You hear me? Come back!
Fuck, there he goes. All right, junior, listen.
What the fuck are you so happy about, you moron? You get paid every month.
No, I do not.
Eh, fucking shitballs.
[grunts, farts]
[crickets chirping]
[thunder rumbling]
[car alarm blaring]
THE END
[in Polish] ♪ Exorcist for less than three hundred ♪
♪ Actually, it's two hundred If you want a bill, it'll cost you more ♪
♪ Watch it, Beelzebutt You're gonna get your ass kicked ♪
♪ Watch it, Buttcifer He's aiming at you ♪
[malevolent laugh]