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A NETFLIX SERIES
2
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Jarek!
3
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Jarek, enough. You're killing the starter!
4
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-What?
-Stop revving the engine!
5
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You'll damage the starter
and kill the battery!
6
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And then we'll go to shit, not fishing.
7
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Yeah, right. You know as much
about cars as I know about… everything.
8
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I told you.
9
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So what now?
10
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-Our only hope is to push-start.
-What?
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Shit, get out. Let's push.
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Ignition on? Is it in neutral?
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Yes, and stop being bossy. After all,
I'm the one with a driver's license.
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The fact that they took my license
for three months
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doesn't mean I can't start a car.
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Besides, they shouldn't have taken it.
0.12% BAC is nothing.
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I bet you're more than that right now.
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As long as they don't make me blow,
it's zero. Are we pushing?
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No, we're fucking shitting.
One, two, three!
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Second gear!
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Jarek, help me!
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Fuck. Did you just fall?
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No, I didn't.
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Gentlemen, I can explain.
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There is no place
in heaven for a fallen angel.
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Stefan, use the decanonizator!
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DECANONIZATOR
ZDZIWISZ 2000
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Straight to hell.
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Okay, let's go.
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-Wait, Stefan.
-What?
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Who will issue a ticket
for parking on the grass?
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Fuck.
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What? How can I be close
to going over my data limit?
34
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I have the same problem.
35
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A few romantic number twos,
and I'm out of gigabytes.
36
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And when you're watching porn in HD,
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it can happen in one sitting.
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Wait, how can you have the same problem?
You don't have a cell phone.
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That's why I use yours.
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Hey! That's it.
I'm changing my password today.
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Change it. I'll sneak a peek anyway.
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00:02:30,209 --> 00:02:32,876
Boss, can I surf the Internet
on the computer?
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-Nope!
-Come on!
44
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By the way,
I want to ask you about my paycheck.
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Okay, surf the Internet.
Just don't get any viruses like usual.
46
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What viruses? What do you mean by "get"?
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I only troll on forums.
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For example,
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a vegan forum. This is fine.
50
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Create a new thread.
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And let's start.
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"Do you observe fasting on Fridays?"
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Post.
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00:02:57,751 --> 00:03:01,584
And watch out.
Shitstorm in three, two, one…
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And it has begun.
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Answer.
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"If meat is shit,
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then why do you eat products
59
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that imitate the taste
of hamburgers, chops, et cetera?"
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00:03:16,584 --> 00:03:17,418
Enter.
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00:03:21,209 --> 00:03:23,459
Dear diary,
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I am writing these words to you
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because it's already past eleven o'clock
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and the cattle have finally gone to sleep.
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That's right, I'm a shepherd.
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Most would say, "Fucking awesome job."
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"No job is shameful."
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00:03:39,584 --> 00:03:42,793
"Don't complain.
You can get used to the stench."
69
00:03:42,876 --> 00:03:45,793
"You could have become a TikToker.
That's a real hoot."
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Unfortunately, the animals are irritable.
71
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The bastards spit for no reason.
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I have to be very careful not to,
God forbid, wake any of them up,
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because the pressure
of their spit is so strong
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that it can hurt.
75
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My predecessor lost an eye.
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The brown one.
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I hope I'll have more luck.
78
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Oh shit, what should I do?
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I know, I'll hold my snout.
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Phew, that was fortunate.
81
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And also, flatulence.
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00:04:35,334 --> 00:04:36,709
But back to the point.
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Dear diary, I know you receive
thousands of such requests,
84
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but could you lend me some money?
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Not much, four zloty thirty.
86
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That's the cost of goon in hell.
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Hey, it wasn't me!
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Goodbye, diary.
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Okay, change of subject.
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The exorcists' forum, so be it.
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Well, I'm not the only one.
92
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Relax, we'll mow down the competition.
93
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How to handle an Internet troll?
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00:05:16,584 --> 00:05:18,876
Well, maybe roast him somehow.
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00:05:18,959 --> 00:05:21,543
Are you crazy?
That's what the troll wants.
96
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-Ignore him, then.
-That's amateur.
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00:05:25,001 --> 00:05:28,543
Who cares that we don't reply?
He's arguing with 30 people.
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I don't know.
99
00:05:29,584 --> 00:05:33,376
Agree with him, nod, and like the posts.
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-Really?
-Sure.
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That's right.
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"Pocisk17 is right."
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"The devil is good
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because he punishes bad people." Enter.
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Damn, you were right.
106
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"And anyway, it's not the Middle Ages."
107
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"There are no demons."
108
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"Exorcists just con people out of money."
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Enter.
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00:05:56,668 --> 00:06:00,084
"And the biggest failure
is that pseudo exorcist, Boner."
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00:06:00,168 --> 00:06:04,043
"Not only is he a fraud,
he's also a drunk and a softy."
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"Pocisk17, respect."
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I'll show him "softy."
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-Give it to me! Who wrote this?
-He did.
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"Behind a keyboard, everyone is brave."
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"Come and get me, dickhead."
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A good troll doesn't use swear words.
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I want to smash his face,
not argue with him.
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"Ha ha ha. I invite you to hell."
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To hell? So it's some kind of devil.
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I knew it! "When and where?"
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"Twelve o'clock,
outside the Stolczyk Hell Stadium."
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"You say it, you get fucked up." Enter.
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Dear diary, I'm sorry.
125
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Sorry for calling you a loser.
126
00:06:45,793 --> 00:06:47,793
But if nobody's looking, just take it.
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Don't wait for the salesman to come back.
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What? That's not the point?
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So what is?
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Jeez! What was I supposed
to wipe myself with, my hand?
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Don't be so selfish.
You have hundreds of pages.
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You can't even tell
that you've lost a few dozen.
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Yes, you heard that right, a few dozen.
134
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It's been happening for quite some time.
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Back to the point.
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I managed to survive the cattle attack,
137
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but I said, "That's enough."
138
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"I'm leaving."
139
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My only regret is leaving the feed.
I've been starving.
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00:07:18,793 --> 00:07:19,918
But no worries.
141
00:07:20,001 --> 00:07:23,209
I have a shepherd's ax
and a "love hell" magnet.
142
00:07:23,293 --> 00:07:26,126
But I don't think
I can flog it off in a slum.
143
00:07:26,209 --> 00:07:29,251
So let's hit the road
in pursuit of happiness.
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LZS STOLCZYK HELL
145
00:07:38,043 --> 00:07:42,959
Fuck! Is he late or a chickenshit?
Or maybe he's not coming at all.
146
00:07:43,043 --> 00:07:45,126
Did I get screwed again?
147
00:07:47,084 --> 00:07:50,751
Listen, just a minute ago,
on TVN news, they said
148
00:07:50,834 --> 00:07:54,084
that some aggressors
are attacking Jasna Gora Monastery.
149
00:07:54,168 --> 00:07:57,668
I immediately got in my car
and came here to do my civic duty
150
00:07:57,751 --> 00:08:01,209
and defend the church,
but this is one big provocation.
151
00:08:01,293 --> 00:08:02,959
People, there's no one here.
152
00:08:03,043 --> 00:08:06,418
No one is attacking Jasna Gora.
What the fuck are you talking about?
153
00:08:06,501 --> 00:08:07,626
Hello, excuse me?
154
00:08:07,709 --> 00:08:09,709
-Sir.
-Could it be?
155
00:08:09,793 --> 00:08:12,418
Would you like to buy
a souvenir shepherd's ax?
156
00:08:12,501 --> 00:08:14,043
Or a fridge magnet?
157
00:08:14,126 --> 00:08:15,376
Pocisk17?
158
00:08:15,459 --> 00:08:17,459
-What?
-Are you Pocisk17?
159
00:08:17,543 --> 00:08:19,709
No, I'm Jarek. Jarek Ciptas. Would you--
160
00:08:19,793 --> 00:08:22,084
-Do you know this loser?
-No, I'm new here.
161
00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:25,709
Who would have thought that I was rocking
in heaven not so long ago?
162
00:08:25,793 --> 00:08:28,376
What I wouldn't give to go back there.
163
00:08:28,459 --> 00:08:30,709
-What?
-I don't know, my shepherd's ax?
164
00:08:30,793 --> 00:08:32,584
Help me find this guy,
165
00:08:32,668 --> 00:08:35,543
and I'll help you. For free.
166
00:08:35,626 --> 00:08:36,876
Really? May I?
167
00:08:38,626 --> 00:08:41,918
Not so smart.
He logged into the forum via Facebook.
168
00:08:42,001 --> 00:08:45,501
Open. He posted links to his auctions.
169
00:08:45,584 --> 00:08:50,084
And here we go.
"Car radio, used, no panel and manual."
170
00:08:50,168 --> 00:08:53,293
Buy now. Payment on delivery.
171
00:08:53,376 --> 00:08:55,793
Pick up in person. And it's done.
172
00:08:55,876 --> 00:08:57,459
Man, why would I need a radio?
173
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Not the radio, the address.
174
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Undefeated!
175
00:09:07,626 --> 00:09:13,209
And now, traditionally,
"Walaszek, you fat boy, when's the new--"
176
00:09:13,293 --> 00:09:15,084
Czarek, someone's here to see you.
177
00:09:15,168 --> 00:09:16,876
Hi, Pocisk17.
178
00:09:16,959 --> 00:09:18,209
Do you recognize me?
179
00:09:19,418 --> 00:09:20,376
Marcin?
180
00:09:20,459 --> 00:09:22,959
Crapcin. Bogdan Boner!
181
00:09:23,543 --> 00:09:24,543
Wow, for real.
182
00:09:25,084 --> 00:09:28,293
Get out of my room,
or I'll have you banned.
183
00:09:28,376 --> 00:09:30,918
Armchair warrior.
184
00:09:35,459 --> 00:09:36,543
What are you do--
185
00:09:40,793 --> 00:09:44,043
"C, colon, Windows. Delete."
186
00:09:44,126 --> 00:09:45,293
"Are you sure?"
187
00:09:45,376 --> 00:09:47,043
Have mercy.
188
00:09:47,751 --> 00:09:48,793
Enter.
189
00:09:50,376 --> 00:09:52,793
FURIOUS SNAKE'S FISTS
190
00:09:52,876 --> 00:09:55,043
Excuse me, ma'am.
191
00:09:55,126 --> 00:09:58,001
Excuse me, do you happen
to have a spare key?
192
00:09:58,793 --> 00:10:01,418
Hello, my fans. This is Edzia speaking.
193
00:10:01,501 --> 00:10:04,209
Today, I'm calling you to wake up, people.
194
00:10:04,293 --> 00:10:08,751
If you don't want Bill Gates
to put chips in all of you,
195
00:10:08,834 --> 00:10:10,043
even in men,
196
00:10:10,126 --> 00:10:12,959
boycott high school final exams.
This exam is crap.
197
00:10:13,043 --> 00:10:15,001
Also, it's very difficult.
198
00:10:15,084 --> 00:10:16,584
Here's the first comment.
199
00:10:17,543 --> 00:10:21,251
"Since Bill Gates
is seeking to depopulate the world,
200
00:10:21,334 --> 00:10:24,209
except for the ones who are needed,
201
00:10:24,293 --> 00:10:26,168
why are you so afraid?"
202
00:10:27,543 --> 00:10:28,376
Yahoo!
203
00:10:29,418 --> 00:10:31,209
Hit and sunk!
204
00:10:33,126 --> 00:10:34,876
-Good afternoon.
-Good after--
205
00:10:34,959 --> 00:10:37,709
Hey, what's this honky-tonk?
It's supposed to be heaven!
206
00:10:37,793 --> 00:10:39,459
Stupid or fucked up?
207
00:10:39,543 --> 00:10:42,501
Through the gates of hell,
you can only get to Earth.
208
00:10:42,584 --> 00:10:45,126
-Domino, bring the gates of heaven.
-Okay.
209
00:10:45,209 --> 00:10:48,043
And by the way, boy,
don't you want to buy this magnet?
210
00:10:48,126 --> 00:10:48,959
Or this ax?
211
00:10:49,043 --> 00:10:51,626
-How much for the magnet?
-Four zloty thirty.
212
00:10:51,709 --> 00:10:54,959
Unfortunately, I don't have
that much on me or anywhere else.
213
00:10:55,043 --> 00:10:58,501
-There you go. I've turned it on.
-Finally. Hooray, home!
214
00:10:58,584 --> 00:11:01,501
Where do you think you're going?
Get out, you horned skank!
215
00:11:01,584 --> 00:11:02,959
Most likely not vaccinated.
216
00:11:03,918 --> 00:11:05,793
Cursed forever.
217
00:11:05,876 --> 00:11:09,459
Can you send me back to hell?
I think it was nicer there.
218
00:11:09,543 --> 00:11:12,793
Who goes to heaven with antlers like that?
Wait here.
219
00:11:12,876 --> 00:11:15,543
Good afternoon.
Which way to the go-go club?
220
00:11:15,626 --> 00:11:18,751
Well, sir, that depends
on whether you're willing to shell out
221
00:11:18,834 --> 00:11:21,543
or are so eager
that you don't mind the cheap one.
222
00:11:21,626 --> 00:11:24,251
-Well, you know, the cheap one.
-That's reasonable.
223
00:11:24,334 --> 00:11:28,376
So, go to the market-- Hey, wait!
What are you doing? Give it back!
224
00:11:29,043 --> 00:11:31,043
-It worked.
-Oh no!
225
00:11:31,126 --> 00:11:33,084
Take that infernal device away!
226
00:11:33,168 --> 00:11:36,293
They already used it on me once,
and this is the result.
227
00:11:36,376 --> 00:11:37,668
Not many people know
228
00:11:37,751 --> 00:11:41,084
that all you have to do is switch
plus to minus on the power supply,
229
00:11:41,168 --> 00:11:44,626
and the decanonizator
becomes a canonizator. Ready?
230
00:11:44,709 --> 00:11:46,293
Are you crazy? Wait!
231
00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:50,126
Done.
232
00:11:52,376 --> 00:11:55,626
Jump! Gentlemen, which way
to the nearest go-go club?
233
00:11:55,709 --> 00:11:56,543
THE END
234
00:11:56,626 --> 00:11:58,543
Exorcist for less than 300
235
00:11:58,626 --> 00:12:01,918
Actually, it's 200
If you want a bill, it'll cost you more
236
00:12:02,001 --> 00:12:04,959
Watch it, Belzedup
You're gonna get your ass kicked
237
00:12:05,043 --> 00:12:08,043
Watch it, Dupcyper
He's aiming at you
238
00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:16,501
Subtitle translation by:
Agnieszka Czarnecka