A NETFLIX SERIES
Jarek!
Jarek, enough. You're killing the starter!
-What? -Stop revving the engine!
You'll damage the starter and kill the battery!
And then we'll go to shit, not fishing.
Yeah, right. You know as much about cars as I know about… everything.
I told you.
So what now?
-Our only hope is to push-start. -What?
Shit, get out. Let's push.
Ignition on? Is it in neutral?
Yes, and stop being bossy. After all, I'm the one with a driver's license.
The fact that they took my license for three months
doesn't mean I can't start a car.
Besides, they shouldn't have taken it. 0.12% BAC is nothing.
I bet you're more than that right now.
As long as they don't make me blow, it's zero. Are we pushing?
No, we're fucking shitting. One, two, three!
Second gear!
Jarek, help me!
Fuck. Did you just fall?
No, I didn't.
Gentlemen, I can explain.
There is no place in heaven for a fallen angel.
Stefan, use the decanonizator!
DECANONIZATOR ZDZIWISZ 2000
Straight to hell.
Okay, let's go.
-Wait, Stefan. -What?
Who will issue a ticket for parking on the grass?
Fuck.
What? How can I be close to going over my data limit?
I have the same problem.
A few romantic number twos, and I'm out of gigabytes.
And when you're watching porn in HD,
it can happen in one sitting.
Wait, how can you have the same problem? You don't have a cell phone.
That's why I use yours.
Hey! That's it. I'm changing my password today.
Change it. I'll sneak a peek anyway.
Boss, can I surf the Internet on the computer?
-Nope! -Come on!
By the way, I want to ask you about my paycheck.
Okay, surf the Internet. Just don't get any viruses like usual.
What viruses? What do you mean by "get"?
I only troll on forums.
For example,
a vegan forum. This is fine.
Create a new thread.
And let's start.
"Do you observe fasting on Fridays?"
Post.
And watch out. Shitstorm in three, two, one…
And it has begun.
Answer.
"If meat is shit,
then why do you eat products
that imitate the taste of hamburgers, chops, et cetera?"
Enter.
Dear diary,
I am writing these words to you
because it's already past eleven o'clock
and the cattle have finally gone to sleep.
That's right, I'm a shepherd.
Most would say, "Fucking awesome job."
"No job is shameful."
"Don't complain. You can get used to the stench."
"You could have become a TikToker. That's a real hoot."
Unfortunately, the animals are irritable.
The bastards spit for no reason.
I have to be very careful not to, God forbid, wake any of them up,
because the pressure of their spit is so strong
that it can hurt.
My predecessor lost an eye.
The brown one.
I hope I'll have more luck.
Oh shit, what should I do?
I know, I'll hold my snout.
Phew, that was fortunate.
And also, flatulence.
But back to the point.
Dear diary, I know you receive thousands of such requests,
but could you lend me some money?
Not much, four zloty thirty.
That's the cost of goon in hell.
Hey, it wasn't me!
Goodbye, diary.
Okay, change of subject.
The exorcists' forum, so be it.
Well, I'm not the only one.
Relax, we'll mow down the competition.
How to handle an Internet troll?
Well, maybe roast him somehow.
Are you crazy? That's what the troll wants.
-Ignore him, then. -That's amateur.
Who cares that we don't reply? He's arguing with 30 people.
I don't know.
Agree with him, nod, and like the posts.
-Really? -Sure.
That's right.
"Pocisk17 is right."
"The devil is good
because he punishes bad people." Enter.
Damn, you were right.
"And anyway, it's not the Middle Ages."
"There are no demons."
"Exorcists just con people out of money."
Enter.
"And the biggest failure is that pseudo exorcist, Boner."
"Not only is he a fraud, he's also a drunk and a softy."
"Pocisk17, respect."
I'll show him "softy."
-Give it to me! Who wrote this? -He did.
"Behind a keyboard, everyone is brave."
"Come and get me, dickhead."
A good troll doesn't use swear words.
I want to smash his face, not argue with him.
"Ha ha ha. I invite you to hell."
To hell? So it's some kind of devil.
I knew it! "When and where?"
"Twelve o'clock, outside the Stolczyk Hell Stadium."
"You say it, you get fucked up." Enter.
Dear diary, I'm sorry.
Sorry for calling you a loser.
But if nobody's looking, just take it.
Don't wait for the salesman to come back.
What? That's not the point?
So what is?
Jeez! What was I supposed to wipe myself with, my hand?
Don't be so selfish. You have hundreds of pages.
You can't even tell that you've lost a few dozen.
Yes, you heard that right, a few dozen.
It's been happening for quite some time.
Back to the point.
I managed to survive the cattle attack,
but I said, "That's enough."
"I'm leaving."
My only regret is leaving the feed. I've been starving.
But no worries.
I have a shepherd's ax and a "love hell" magnet.
But I don't think I can flog it off in a slum.
So let's hit the road in pursuit of happiness.
LZS STOLCZYK HELL
Fuck! Is he late or a chickenshit? Or maybe he's not coming at all.
Did I get screwed again?
Listen, just a minute ago, on TVN news, they said
that some aggressors are attacking Jasna Gora Monastery.
I immediately got in my car and came here to do my civic duty
and defend the church, but this is one big provocation.
People, there's no one here.
No one is attacking Jasna Gora. What the fuck are you talking about?
Hello, excuse me?
-Sir. -Could it be?
Would you like to buy a souvenir shepherd's ax?
Or a fridge magnet?
Pocisk17?
-What? -Are you Pocisk17?
No, I'm Jarek. Jarek Ciptas. Would you--
-Do you know this loser? -No, I'm new here.
Who would have thought that I was rocking in heaven not so long ago?
What I wouldn't give to go back there.
-What? -I don't know, my shepherd's ax?
Help me find this guy,
and I'll help you. For free.
Really? May I?
Not so smart. He logged into the forum via Facebook.
Open. He posted links to his auctions.
And here we go. "Car radio, used, no panel and manual."
Buy now. Payment on delivery.
Pick up in person. And it's done.
Man, why would I need a radio?
Not the radio, the address.
Undefeated!
And now, traditionally, "Walaszek, you fat boy, when's the new--"
Czarek, someone's here to see you.
Hi, Pocisk17.
Do you recognize me?
Marcin?
Crapcin. Bogdan Boner!
Wow, for real.
Get out of my room, or I'll have you banned.
Armchair warrior.
What are you do--
"C, colon, Windows. Delete."
"Are you sure?"
Have mercy.
Enter.
FURIOUS SNAKE'S FISTS
Excuse me, ma'am.
Excuse me, do you happen to have a spare key?
Hello, my fans. This is Edzia speaking.
Today, I'm calling you to wake up, people.
If you don't want Bill Gates to put chips in all of you,
even in men,
boycott high school final exams. This exam is crap.
Also, it's very difficult.
Here's the first comment.
"Since Bill Gates is seeking to depopulate the world,
except for the ones who are needed,
why are you so afraid?"
Yahoo!
Hit and sunk!
-Good afternoon. -Good after--
Hey, what's this honky-tonk? It's supposed to be heaven!
Stupid or fucked up?
Through the gates of hell, you can only get to Earth.
-Domino, bring the gates of heaven. -Okay.
And by the way, boy, don't you want to buy this magnet?
Or this ax?
-How much for the magnet? -Four zloty thirty.
Unfortunately, I don't have that much on me or anywhere else.
-There you go. I've turned it on. -Finally. Hooray, home!
Where do you think you're going? Get out, you horned skank!
Most likely not vaccinated.
Cursed forever.
Can you send me back to hell? I think it was nicer there.
Who goes to heaven with antlers like that? Wait here.
Good afternoon. Which way to the go-go club?
Well, sir, that depends on whether you're willing to shell out
or are so eager that you don't mind the cheap one.
-Well, you know, the cheap one. -That's reasonable.
So, go to the market-- Hey, wait! What are you doing? Give it back!
-It worked. -Oh no!
Take that infernal device away!
They already used it on me once, and this is the result.
Not many people know
that all you have to do is switch plus to minus on the power supply,
and the decanonizator becomes a canonizator. Ready?
Are you crazy? Wait!
Done.
Jump! Gentlemen, which way to the nearest go-go club?
THE END
Exorcist for less than 300
Actually, it's 200 If you want a bill, it'll cost you more
Watch it, Belzedup You're gonna get your ass kicked
Watch it, Dupcyper He's aiming at you
Subtitle translation by: Agnieszka Czarnecka