1 00:00:06,459 --> 00:00:12,376 A NETFLIX SERIES 2 00:00:19,209 --> 00:00:23,209 Jarek! 3 00:00:23,293 --> 00:00:25,959 Jarek, enough. You're killing the starter! 4 00:00:26,043 --> 00:00:28,126 -What? -Stop revving the engine! 5 00:00:28,209 --> 00:00:31,168 You'll damage the starter and kill the battery! 6 00:00:31,251 --> 00:00:33,626 And then we'll go to shit, not fishing. 7 00:00:33,709 --> 00:00:38,293 Yeah, right. You know as much about cars as I know about… everything. 8 00:00:44,126 --> 00:00:44,959 I told you. 9 00:00:45,876 --> 00:00:46,709 So what now? 10 00:00:46,793 --> 00:00:48,793 -Our only hope is to push-start. -What? 11 00:00:48,876 --> 00:00:50,459 Shit, get out. Let's push. 12 00:00:51,126 --> 00:00:53,126 Ignition on? Is it in neutral? 13 00:00:53,209 --> 00:00:58,459 Yes, and stop being bossy. After all, I'm the one with a driver's license. 14 00:00:58,543 --> 00:01:01,334 The fact that they took my license for three months 15 00:01:01,418 --> 00:01:03,084 doesn't mean I can't start a car. 16 00:01:03,168 --> 00:01:06,126 Besides, they shouldn't have taken it. 0.12% BAC is nothing. 17 00:01:06,209 --> 00:01:08,709 I bet you're more than that right now. 18 00:01:08,793 --> 00:01:11,959 As long as they don't make me blow, it's zero. Are we pushing? 19 00:01:12,043 --> 00:01:15,001 No, we're fucking shitting. One, two, three! 20 00:01:20,043 --> 00:01:21,126 Second gear! 21 00:01:25,043 --> 00:01:26,668 Jarek, help me! 22 00:01:33,501 --> 00:01:35,668 Fuck. Did you just fall? 23 00:01:35,751 --> 00:01:37,251 No, I didn't. 24 00:01:37,918 --> 00:01:39,543 Gentlemen, I can explain. 25 00:01:39,626 --> 00:01:42,876 There is no place in heaven for a fallen angel. 26 00:01:42,959 --> 00:01:45,543 Stefan, use the decanonizator! 27 00:01:45,626 --> 00:01:47,626 DECANONIZATOR ZDZIWISZ 2000 28 00:01:50,751 --> 00:01:52,209 Straight to hell. 29 00:01:55,584 --> 00:01:56,501 Okay, let's go. 30 00:01:56,584 --> 00:01:57,793 -Wait, Stefan. -What? 31 00:01:57,876 --> 00:02:00,626 Who will issue a ticket for parking on the grass? 32 00:02:02,793 --> 00:02:03,793 Fuck. 33 00:02:07,793 --> 00:02:10,959 What? How can I be close to going over my data limit? 34 00:02:11,043 --> 00:02:12,668 I have the same problem. 35 00:02:12,751 --> 00:02:15,376 A few romantic number twos, and I'm out of gigabytes. 36 00:02:15,459 --> 00:02:17,709 And when you're watching porn in HD, 37 00:02:17,793 --> 00:02:19,709 it can happen in one sitting. 38 00:02:19,793 --> 00:02:23,209 Wait, how can you have the same problem? You don't have a cell phone. 39 00:02:23,293 --> 00:02:24,959 That's why I use yours. 40 00:02:25,043 --> 00:02:27,876 Hey! That's it. I'm changing my password today. 41 00:02:27,959 --> 00:02:30,126 Change it. I'll sneak a peek anyway. 42 00:02:30,209 --> 00:02:32,876 Boss, can I surf the Internet on the computer? 43 00:02:32,959 --> 00:02:34,543 -Nope! -Come on! 44 00:02:34,626 --> 00:02:37,543 By the way, I want to ask you about my paycheck. 45 00:02:38,501 --> 00:02:41,876 Okay, surf the Internet. Just don't get any viruses like usual. 46 00:02:41,959 --> 00:02:44,293 What viruses? What do you mean by "get"? 47 00:02:44,376 --> 00:02:46,168 I only troll on forums. 48 00:02:46,251 --> 00:02:47,209 For example, 49 00:02:47,293 --> 00:02:49,126 a vegan forum. This is fine. 50 00:02:50,293 --> 00:02:52,168 Create a new thread. 51 00:02:52,251 --> 00:02:53,251 And let's start. 52 00:02:53,334 --> 00:02:56,668 "Do you observe fasting on Fridays?" 53 00:02:56,751 --> 00:02:57,668 Post. 54 00:02:57,751 --> 00:03:01,584 And watch out. Shitstorm in three, two, one… 55 00:03:02,626 --> 00:03:03,876 And it has begun. 56 00:03:04,584 --> 00:03:05,418 Answer. 57 00:03:06,001 --> 00:03:08,293 "If meat is shit, 58 00:03:08,376 --> 00:03:10,626 then why do you eat products 59 00:03:10,709 --> 00:03:16,001 that imitate the taste of hamburgers, chops, et cetera?" 60 00:03:16,584 --> 00:03:17,418 Enter. 61 00:03:21,209 --> 00:03:23,459 Dear diary, 62 00:03:23,543 --> 00:03:25,501 I am writing these words to you 63 00:03:25,584 --> 00:03:28,334 because it's already past eleven o'clock 64 00:03:28,418 --> 00:03:31,626 and the cattle have finally gone to sleep. 65 00:03:32,751 --> 00:03:35,584 That's right, I'm a shepherd. 66 00:03:35,668 --> 00:03:38,084 Most would say, "Fucking awesome job." 67 00:03:38,168 --> 00:03:39,501 "No job is shameful." 68 00:03:39,584 --> 00:03:42,793 "Don't complain. You can get used to the stench." 69 00:03:42,876 --> 00:03:45,793 "You could have become a TikToker. That's a real hoot." 70 00:03:45,876 --> 00:03:49,459 Unfortunately, the animals are irritable. 71 00:03:49,543 --> 00:03:53,084 The bastards spit for no reason. 72 00:03:53,168 --> 00:03:57,376 I have to be very careful not to, God forbid, wake any of them up, 73 00:03:57,459 --> 00:04:00,293 because the pressure of their spit is so strong 74 00:04:00,376 --> 00:04:02,584 that it can hurt. 75 00:04:02,668 --> 00:04:05,584 My predecessor lost an eye. 76 00:04:05,668 --> 00:04:06,709 The brown one. 77 00:04:06,793 --> 00:04:09,959 I hope I'll have more luck. 78 00:04:11,459 --> 00:04:13,001 Oh shit, what should I do? 79 00:04:13,084 --> 00:04:14,709 I know, I'll hold my snout. 80 00:04:31,209 --> 00:04:33,126 Phew, that was fortunate. 81 00:04:33,209 --> 00:04:35,251 And also, flatulence. 82 00:04:35,334 --> 00:04:36,709 But back to the point. 83 00:04:36,793 --> 00:04:40,584 Dear diary, I know you receive thousands of such requests, 84 00:04:40,668 --> 00:04:42,918 but could you lend me some money? 85 00:04:43,001 --> 00:04:45,001 Not much, four zloty thirty. 86 00:04:45,084 --> 00:04:47,626 That's the cost of goon in hell. 87 00:04:52,334 --> 00:04:54,459 Hey, it wasn't me! 88 00:05:00,959 --> 00:05:03,126 Goodbye, diary. 89 00:05:04,376 --> 00:05:06,293 Okay, change of subject. 90 00:05:06,376 --> 00:05:08,668 The exorcists' forum, so be it. 91 00:05:08,751 --> 00:05:10,751 Well, I'm not the only one. 92 00:05:10,834 --> 00:05:13,793 Relax, we'll mow down the competition. 93 00:05:13,876 --> 00:05:16,501 How to handle an Internet troll? 94 00:05:16,584 --> 00:05:18,876 Well, maybe roast him somehow. 95 00:05:18,959 --> 00:05:21,543 Are you crazy? That's what the troll wants. 96 00:05:22,584 --> 00:05:24,918 -Ignore him, then. -That's amateur. 97 00:05:25,001 --> 00:05:28,543 Who cares that we don't reply? He's arguing with 30 people. 98 00:05:28,626 --> 00:05:29,501 I don't know. 99 00:05:29,584 --> 00:05:33,376 Agree with him, nod, and like the posts. 100 00:05:33,459 --> 00:05:34,959 -Really? -Sure. 101 00:05:35,043 --> 00:05:36,293 That's right. 102 00:05:36,376 --> 00:05:39,084 "Pocisk17 is right." 103 00:05:39,168 --> 00:05:41,001 "The devil is good 104 00:05:41,084 --> 00:05:43,626 because he punishes bad people." Enter. 105 00:05:43,709 --> 00:05:45,959 Damn, you were right. 106 00:05:46,043 --> 00:05:49,293 "And anyway, it's not the Middle Ages." 107 00:05:49,376 --> 00:05:51,459 "There are no demons." 108 00:05:51,543 --> 00:05:55,376 "Exorcists just con people out of money." 109 00:05:55,459 --> 00:05:56,584 Enter. 110 00:05:56,668 --> 00:06:00,084 "And the biggest failure is that pseudo exorcist, Boner." 111 00:06:00,168 --> 00:06:04,043 "Not only is he a fraud, he's also a drunk and a softy." 112 00:06:05,001 --> 00:06:07,626 "Pocisk17, respect." 113 00:06:07,709 --> 00:06:09,293 I'll show him "softy." 114 00:06:09,376 --> 00:06:11,834 -Give it to me! Who wrote this? -He did. 115 00:06:11,918 --> 00:06:15,168 "Behind a keyboard, everyone is brave." 116 00:06:15,251 --> 00:06:17,251 "Come and get me, dickhead." 117 00:06:17,334 --> 00:06:19,209 A good troll doesn't use swear words. 118 00:06:19,293 --> 00:06:21,959 I want to smash his face, not argue with him. 119 00:06:22,043 --> 00:06:25,334 "Ha ha ha. I invite you to hell." 120 00:06:25,418 --> 00:06:27,918 To hell? So it's some kind of devil. 121 00:06:28,001 --> 00:06:30,834 I knew it! "When and where?" 122 00:06:32,126 --> 00:06:35,168 "Twelve o'clock, outside the Stolczyk Hell Stadium." 123 00:06:35,251 --> 00:06:39,459 "You say it, you get fucked up." Enter. 124 00:06:39,543 --> 00:06:43,043 Dear diary, I'm sorry. 125 00:06:43,126 --> 00:06:45,709 Sorry for calling you a loser. 126 00:06:45,793 --> 00:06:47,793 But if nobody's looking, just take it. 127 00:06:47,876 --> 00:06:50,209 Don't wait for the salesman to come back. 128 00:06:50,293 --> 00:06:52,334 What? That's not the point? 129 00:06:52,418 --> 00:06:53,418 So what is? 130 00:06:53,501 --> 00:06:56,584 Jeez! What was I supposed to wipe myself with, my hand? 131 00:06:56,668 --> 00:06:59,501 Don't be so selfish. You have hundreds of pages. 132 00:06:59,584 --> 00:07:02,209 You can't even tell that you've lost a few dozen. 133 00:07:02,293 --> 00:07:05,334 Yes, you heard that right, a few dozen. 134 00:07:05,418 --> 00:07:07,668 It's been happening for quite some time. 135 00:07:07,751 --> 00:07:08,876 Back to the point. 136 00:07:08,959 --> 00:07:11,709 I managed to survive the cattle attack, 137 00:07:11,793 --> 00:07:13,459 but I said, "That's enough." 138 00:07:13,543 --> 00:07:14,543 "I'm leaving." 139 00:07:14,626 --> 00:07:18,709 My only regret is leaving the feed. I've been starving. 140 00:07:18,793 --> 00:07:19,918 But no worries. 141 00:07:20,001 --> 00:07:23,209 I have a shepherd's ax and a "love hell" magnet. 142 00:07:23,293 --> 00:07:26,126 But I don't think I can flog it off in a slum. 143 00:07:26,209 --> 00:07:29,251 So let's hit the road in pursuit of happiness. 144 00:07:34,876 --> 00:07:36,959 LZS STOLCZYK HELL 145 00:07:38,043 --> 00:07:42,959 Fuck! Is he late or a chickenshit? Or maybe he's not coming at all. 146 00:07:43,043 --> 00:07:45,126 Did I get screwed again? 147 00:07:47,084 --> 00:07:50,751 Listen, just a minute ago, on TVN news, they said 148 00:07:50,834 --> 00:07:54,084 that some aggressors are attacking Jasna Gora Monastery. 149 00:07:54,168 --> 00:07:57,668 I immediately got in my car and came here to do my civic duty 150 00:07:57,751 --> 00:08:01,209 and defend the church, but this is one big provocation. 151 00:08:01,293 --> 00:08:02,959 People, there's no one here. 152 00:08:03,043 --> 00:08:06,418 No one is attacking Jasna Gora. What the fuck are you talking about? 153 00:08:06,501 --> 00:08:07,626 Hello, excuse me? 154 00:08:07,709 --> 00:08:09,709 -Sir. -Could it be? 155 00:08:09,793 --> 00:08:12,418 Would you like to buy a souvenir shepherd's ax? 156 00:08:12,501 --> 00:08:14,043 Or a fridge magnet? 157 00:08:14,126 --> 00:08:15,376 Pocisk17? 158 00:08:15,459 --> 00:08:17,459 -What? -Are you Pocisk17? 159 00:08:17,543 --> 00:08:19,709 No, I'm Jarek. Jarek Ciptas. Would you-- 160 00:08:19,793 --> 00:08:22,084 -Do you know this loser? -No, I'm new here. 161 00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:25,709 Who would have thought that I was rocking in heaven not so long ago? 162 00:08:25,793 --> 00:08:28,376 What I wouldn't give to go back there. 163 00:08:28,459 --> 00:08:30,709 -What? -I don't know, my shepherd's ax? 164 00:08:30,793 --> 00:08:32,584 Help me find this guy, 165 00:08:32,668 --> 00:08:35,543 and I'll help you. For free. 166 00:08:35,626 --> 00:08:36,876 Really? May I? 167 00:08:38,626 --> 00:08:41,918 Not so smart. He logged into the forum via Facebook. 168 00:08:42,001 --> 00:08:45,501 Open. He posted links to his auctions. 169 00:08:45,584 --> 00:08:50,084 And here we go. "Car radio, used, no panel and manual." 170 00:08:50,168 --> 00:08:53,293 Buy now. Payment on delivery. 171 00:08:53,376 --> 00:08:55,793 Pick up in person. And it's done. 172 00:08:55,876 --> 00:08:57,459 Man, why would I need a radio? 173 00:08:57,543 --> 00:08:59,626 Not the radio, the address. 174 00:09:05,959 --> 00:09:07,543 Undefeated! 175 00:09:07,626 --> 00:09:13,209 And now, traditionally, "Walaszek, you fat boy, when's the new--" 176 00:09:13,293 --> 00:09:15,084 Czarek, someone's here to see you. 177 00:09:15,168 --> 00:09:16,876 Hi, Pocisk17. 178 00:09:16,959 --> 00:09:18,209 Do you recognize me? 179 00:09:19,418 --> 00:09:20,376 Marcin? 180 00:09:20,459 --> 00:09:22,959 Crapcin. Bogdan Boner! 181 00:09:23,543 --> 00:09:24,543 Wow, for real. 182 00:09:25,084 --> 00:09:28,293 Get out of my room, or I'll have you banned. 183 00:09:28,376 --> 00:09:30,918 Armchair warrior. 184 00:09:35,459 --> 00:09:36,543 What are you do-- 185 00:09:40,793 --> 00:09:44,043 "C, colon, Windows. Delete." 186 00:09:44,126 --> 00:09:45,293 "Are you sure?" 187 00:09:45,376 --> 00:09:47,043 Have mercy. 188 00:09:47,751 --> 00:09:48,793 Enter. 189 00:09:50,376 --> 00:09:52,793 FURIOUS SNAKE'S FISTS 190 00:09:52,876 --> 00:09:55,043 Excuse me, ma'am. 191 00:09:55,126 --> 00:09:58,001 Excuse me, do you happen to have a spare key? 192 00:09:58,793 --> 00:10:01,418 Hello, my fans. This is Edzia speaking. 193 00:10:01,501 --> 00:10:04,209 Today, I'm calling you to wake up, people. 194 00:10:04,293 --> 00:10:08,751 If you don't want Bill Gates to put chips in all of you, 195 00:10:08,834 --> 00:10:10,043 even in men, 196 00:10:10,126 --> 00:10:12,959 boycott high school final exams. This exam is crap. 197 00:10:13,043 --> 00:10:15,001 Also, it's very difficult. 198 00:10:15,084 --> 00:10:16,584 Here's the first comment. 199 00:10:17,543 --> 00:10:21,251 "Since Bill Gates is seeking to depopulate the world, 200 00:10:21,334 --> 00:10:24,209 except for the ones who are needed, 201 00:10:24,293 --> 00:10:26,168 why are you so afraid?" 202 00:10:27,543 --> 00:10:28,376 Yahoo! 203 00:10:29,418 --> 00:10:31,209 Hit and sunk! 204 00:10:33,126 --> 00:10:34,876 -Good afternoon. -Good after-- 205 00:10:34,959 --> 00:10:37,709 Hey, what's this honky-tonk? It's supposed to be heaven! 206 00:10:37,793 --> 00:10:39,459 Stupid or fucked up? 207 00:10:39,543 --> 00:10:42,501 Through the gates of hell, you can only get to Earth. 208 00:10:42,584 --> 00:10:45,126 -Domino, bring the gates of heaven. -Okay. 209 00:10:45,209 --> 00:10:48,043 And by the way, boy, don't you want to buy this magnet? 210 00:10:48,126 --> 00:10:48,959 Or this ax? 211 00:10:49,043 --> 00:10:51,626 -How much for the magnet? -Four zloty thirty. 212 00:10:51,709 --> 00:10:54,959 Unfortunately, I don't have that much on me or anywhere else. 213 00:10:55,043 --> 00:10:58,501 -There you go. I've turned it on. -Finally. Hooray, home! 214 00:10:58,584 --> 00:11:01,501 Where do you think you're going? Get out, you horned skank! 215 00:11:01,584 --> 00:11:02,959 Most likely not vaccinated. 216 00:11:03,918 --> 00:11:05,793 Cursed forever. 217 00:11:05,876 --> 00:11:09,459 Can you send me back to hell? I think it was nicer there. 218 00:11:09,543 --> 00:11:12,793 Who goes to heaven with antlers like that? Wait here. 219 00:11:12,876 --> 00:11:15,543 Good afternoon. Which way to the go-go club? 220 00:11:15,626 --> 00:11:18,751 Well, sir, that depends on whether you're willing to shell out 221 00:11:18,834 --> 00:11:21,543 or are so eager that you don't mind the cheap one. 222 00:11:21,626 --> 00:11:24,251 -Well, you know, the cheap one. -That's reasonable. 223 00:11:24,334 --> 00:11:28,376 So, go to the market-- Hey, wait! What are you doing? Give it back! 224 00:11:29,043 --> 00:11:31,043 -It worked. -Oh no! 225 00:11:31,126 --> 00:11:33,084 Take that infernal device away! 226 00:11:33,168 --> 00:11:36,293 They already used it on me once, and this is the result. 227 00:11:36,376 --> 00:11:37,668 Not many people know 228 00:11:37,751 --> 00:11:41,084 that all you have to do is switch plus to minus on the power supply, 229 00:11:41,168 --> 00:11:44,626 and the decanonizator becomes a canonizator. Ready? 230 00:11:44,709 --> 00:11:46,293 Are you crazy? Wait! 231 00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:50,126 Done. 232 00:11:52,376 --> 00:11:55,626 Jump! Gentlemen, which way to the nearest go-go club? 233 00:11:55,709 --> 00:11:56,543 THE END 234 00:11:56,626 --> 00:11:58,543 Exorcist for less than 300 235 00:11:58,626 --> 00:12:01,918 Actually, it's 200 If you want a bill, it'll cost you more 236 00:12:02,001 --> 00:12:04,959 Watch it, Belzedup You're gonna get your ass kicked 237 00:12:05,043 --> 00:12:08,043 Watch it, Dupcyper He's aiming at you 238 00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:16,501 Subtitle translation by: Agnieszka Czarnecka