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A NETFLIX SERIES
2
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[theme music playing]
3
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-[dogs barking]
-[car engine cranking]
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THE FALLEN ANGEL
5
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[male voice] Jarek! Jarek! Jarek! Jarek!
6
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Jarek, that's enough.
You're killing the starter!
7
00:00:26,043 --> 00:00:28,126
-What?
-Stop revving the engine!
8
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You know that you're gonna
damage the starter and kill my battery!
9
00:00:30,876 --> 00:00:33,626
And then we'll have to go to the mechanic,
so we won't be going fishing.
10
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Yeah, right, dude. You know as much
about cars as I know about…
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everything.
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[engine cranking]
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[dog barking in distance]
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[car battery dies]
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I told you.
16
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[sighs] What now?
17
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-Our only hope is to push start it.
-What?
18
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Get out, let's fucking push.
19
00:00:51,126 --> 00:00:53,126
Is the ignition on? Is it in neutral?
20
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It is. It is. By the way, Maciek,
stop being so bossy.
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Out of the two of us,
I'm the one with a license.
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The fact that they took mine away
for three months
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certainly doesn't mean
that I can't start a car any longer.
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Besides, the cops took it unfairly.
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Because 0.12% Blood Alcohol Content
is nothing.
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I bet you have more than that
right now, buddy.
27
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Well yeah, as long as I'm not blowing,
it's zero. You push?
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No, I'm fucking shitting. One, two, three!
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[clanking]
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[dog barks]
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Second gear!
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[engine cranking]
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Jarek, help me, dude!
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[tires screeching]
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[crashing]
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-[dog barking]
-Holy fuck. Did you just fall?
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Um, no, I didn't.
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Oh, yeah, gentlemen, I… I can explain.
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There is no place in heaven
for fallen angels like you.
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Stefan, use the decanonizator!
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DECANONIZATOR
ZDZIWISZ 2000
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[screaming]
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-Straight down to hell.
-[decanonizator beeps]
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[laughs]
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All right, let's pounce.
46
00:01:56,626 --> 00:01:57,793
-Wait, Stefan.
-What?
47
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Who is gonna issue a ticket
for parking directly on the grass?
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[sighs] Fucking hell.
49
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[Marcin] What? I can't be close to
going over my data limit.
50
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I have the same problem.
51
00:02:12,751 --> 00:02:15,376
A few romantic trips to the toilet
and I'm out of gigabytes.
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And when you're watching porn in HD,
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it can happen more quickly
than you might think.
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Wait, how can you possibly
have the same problem?
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You don't even have a cell phone.
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00:02:23,293 --> 00:02:24,959
Well, that is why I use yours.
57
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No way! Fine, that's it,
I'm changing my password today.
58
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You just do that.
I will sneak a peek anyway.
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Boss, can I surf the Internet
on your desktop computer?
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-Nope!
-Come on!
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By the way, I wanted to ask
about my paycheck for this past month.
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[groans] Fine, surf the net.
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Just don't download viruses
like you usually do.
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What viruses? What do you mean "download"?
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I just troll the forums online.
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Oh, for example.
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This interesting vegan forum. That'll do.
68
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[humming] I'm gonna create
a brand-new thread.
69
00:02:52,251 --> 00:02:53,251
And let's go.
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"Do you practice intermittent fasting
on Fridays?"
71
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And posted.
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And watch.
Shitstorm starts in three, two, and one…
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-[computer whining]
-And it's starting now.
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[chortles] Responding.
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"If meat is such shit,
then why do you continue to eat products
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that imitate the taste,
and smell, and look
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of burgers, pork chops,
and sausage, etcetera?"
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-And… Enter.
-[computer whines]
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[tranquil music playing]
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[Jarek] Dear diary,
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I am writing to you today
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because it's already past eleven o'clock,
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and the cattle have finally gone to sleep.
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[sighs]
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That's right, I am a shepherd.
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Most would say, "Fucking awesome gig'."
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"Whatever job you can get, right?"
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"Don't complain,
you can get used to the stench.'"
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"You could have been a TikToker,
even though that's really a cringe."
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00:03:45,876 --> 00:03:49,459
Sadly, the animals are very irritable.
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The bastards spit for no reason.
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I have to be careful not to,
God forbid, wake them,
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because the pressure of their jizzy spit…
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can really cause damage.
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My predecessor lost an eye to their spit.
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Brown one.
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I hope I'll have more luck.
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[gasping]
99
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Oh shit, what to do? What to do?
100
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I know. I'll shut up.
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[muffled sneeze, farts]
102
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[foreboding music playing]
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[spluttering grunts]
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[music continues]
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[snoring]
106
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Phew. That was a stroke of luck.
107
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And a fart.
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Back to the fucking point.
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Dear diary, I know you receive
thousands of such requests,
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but could you lend me some money?
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Not much. Four zloty thirty.
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-That's the cost of a plonk in hell.
-[buzzing]
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[demonic squeal]
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[hawking, spitting]
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Hey, it wasn't me!
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[spluttering grunts]
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Um… Goodbye, diary.
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[spits]
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All right, let's change the subject.
120
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How about trolling the exorcists' forum?
121
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Uh-huh. I'm not the only one.
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Don't worry, relax. We will completely
mow down the competition.
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Hey, Domino, what is the best way
to handle an internet troll?
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Well, maybe fuck with him somehow.
125
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Are you fucking crazy? That's exactly
what the troll wants you to do.
126
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-Um, maybe ignore him then.
-Amateur. Ugh!
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Who really cares that we don't reply
if 30 people are arguing with him.
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Then I really don't know.
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You should absolutely agree with him,
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and agree with all of his opinions,
and like all his posts.
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-Seriously?
-Oh hell yeah!
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That's exactly it.
133
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Taunt17 is totally right
unlike the rest of you.
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The devil is fucking awesome, man,
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because he punishes
all the bad people." Enter.
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Damn, you're so fucking right.
137
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"Anyways, it's just simply
not the Middle Ages anymore.
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There are no such things as demons.
139
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Exorcists are just tricking people
into giving their money to them."
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-Enter.
-[computer whines]
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Someone just said, "The biggest failure
is that pseudo exorcist Boner.
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Not only is he a fraud,
but he's also a drunk
143
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with a sad, tiny limp dick. [laughs]
144
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"Hey, Taunt17, bro, my man, mad respect."
145
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I'll show him "limp dick."
146
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-Give me that! Who wrote this?
-This guy.
147
00:06:11,918 --> 00:06:15,168
"Behind a keyboard,
everyone thinks they are brave.
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Let's do a one-on-one, dickhead."
149
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A good troll does not any use swear words.
150
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I don't want to argue.
I just want to hit him.
151
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"Ha-ha-ha.
I invite you to come down to Hell."
152
00:06:25,418 --> 00:06:27,918
Wait. Down to Hell?
So it's some kind of demon.
153
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I knew it! "When and where?"
154
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[computer whines]
155
00:06:32,168 --> 00:06:35,168
"Twelve o'clock right outside
of the Stolczyk Hell Stadium."
156
00:06:35,251 --> 00:06:37,376
"You will get an ass-kicking."
157
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"Do you understand me?" Enter.
158
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-[Jarek] Dear diary, I'm sorry.
-[flies buzzing]
159
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I am sorry for calling you a loser.
160
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But if nobody's looking, just grab it
161
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instead of waiting
for the salesman to come back.
162
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What? That's not the point?
163
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So what is?
164
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Jeez! Was I supposed to wipe with my hand?
165
00:06:56,751 --> 00:06:59,501
Don't be selfish,
you have hundreds of pages.
166
00:06:59,584 --> 00:07:02,209
You can't even tell
that you've lost a few dozen.
167
00:07:02,293 --> 00:07:05,334
Yes, you heard me. A few dozen.
168
00:07:05,418 --> 00:07:07,709
It's been happening for quite some time.
169
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Back to the point.
170
00:07:09,251 --> 00:07:11,709
I managed to survive the cattle attack,
171
00:07:11,793 --> 00:07:14,543
but I said, "That's it! I'm done."
172
00:07:14,626 --> 00:07:16,168
But I regret leaving the feed.
173
00:07:16,251 --> 00:07:18,626
I've been starving
for the past several minutes.
174
00:07:18,709 --> 00:07:19,918
But no worries.
175
00:07:20,001 --> 00:07:22,876
I have got an axe
and an "I heart Hell" magnet.
176
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I can flog it off in a slum.
177
00:07:26,209 --> 00:07:28,918
So let's hit the road
in the pursuit of happiness.
178
00:07:31,543 --> 00:07:33,543
[flies buzzing]
179
00:07:34,876 --> 00:07:36,959
LZS STOLCZYK HELL
180
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Fuck! Is he late or a chickenshit? Dammit!
Maybe that asshole's not coming at all.
181
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Shit, don't tell me.
Did I really get screwed again?
182
00:07:47,084 --> 00:07:49,918
Listen, just a minute ago, on TVN news
183
00:07:50,001 --> 00:07:54,084
they said that some aggressors
are attacking the Jasna Gora Monastery.
184
00:07:54,168 --> 00:07:57,668
I immediately got into my car
and drove here to do my civic duty
185
00:07:57,751 --> 00:08:01,209
and defend the church,
but this is one big provocation.
186
00:08:01,293 --> 00:08:02,959
People, there's no one here.
187
00:08:03,043 --> 00:08:06,459
No one is attacking Jasna Gora.
What the fuck are y'all talking about?
188
00:08:06,543 --> 00:08:07,626
[Jarek] Hello, sir?
189
00:08:07,709 --> 00:08:09,709
-Excuse me.
-[Boner] Could it be?
190
00:08:09,793 --> 00:08:12,418
Would you like to buy
a souvenir shepherd's axe?
191
00:08:12,501 --> 00:08:14,043
Or maybe a special fridge magnet?
192
00:08:14,126 --> 00:08:15,376
Are you Taunt17?
193
00:08:15,459 --> 00:08:17,459
-What?
-Tell me, are you Taunt17?
194
00:08:17,543 --> 00:08:19,709
No. Jarek. Jarek Ciptas. Would you--
195
00:08:19,793 --> 00:08:22,168
-Do you know this loser?
-No, I'm just new here.
196
00:08:22,251 --> 00:08:23,918
Who would've thought that not so long ago
197
00:08:24,001 --> 00:08:25,709
I was rocking it around
the Gates of Heaven.
198
00:08:25,793 --> 00:08:28,376
[sighs] Oh, and what I wouldn't give
to go back there now, you know.
199
00:08:28,459 --> 00:08:30,709
-Like what?
-I don't know. My shepherd's axe?
200
00:08:30,793 --> 00:08:32,584
Help me find this stupid guy,
201
00:08:32,668 --> 00:08:35,543
and I will help you get back to Heaven.
Free. No cost to you.
202
00:08:35,626 --> 00:08:36,876
Really? May I?
203
00:08:38,209 --> 00:08:41,918
Hmm. Not so smart after all.
He logged into the forum via Facebook.
204
00:08:42,001 --> 00:08:45,501
I will just open that. Oh, he posted links
to some of his auctions.
205
00:08:45,584 --> 00:08:48,376
And there. " A car radio,
used for over three whole years,
206
00:08:48,459 --> 00:08:50,209
without a panel or a user manual."
207
00:08:50,293 --> 00:08:53,293
So buy now.
Full payment in cash upon delivery.
208
00:08:53,376 --> 00:08:55,793
Pick up in person later today. And done.
209
00:08:55,876 --> 00:08:59,626
-Man, why the hell would I need a radio?
-Not the radio, but the address.
210
00:08:59,709 --> 00:09:01,543
[sinister music playing]
211
00:09:04,543 --> 00:09:09,334
[exclaiming] Undefeated!
Now let's get right back to it.
212
00:09:09,418 --> 00:09:13,209
"Walaszek, you fucking fatty,
when is the new--"
213
00:09:13,293 --> 00:09:15,084
Czarek, someone's here to see you.
214
00:09:15,168 --> 00:09:16,876
Hi, Taunt17.
215
00:09:16,959 --> 00:09:18,209
Do you recognize me?
216
00:09:18,293 --> 00:09:20,376
[gasps] Hey, what the fuck?
217
00:09:20,459 --> 00:09:22,959
It's Boner. Bogdan Boner!
218
00:09:23,543 --> 00:09:24,668
Wow, are you for real?
219
00:09:25,168 --> 00:09:28,293
Get the hell out of my fucking room,
or I'll have you banned from the chat.
220
00:09:28,376 --> 00:09:31,751
-You're just a fucking armchair warrior.
-[door locks]
221
00:09:34,126 --> 00:09:34,959
[gulps]
222
00:09:35,459 --> 00:09:36,543
What are you-- [screams]
223
00:09:36,626 --> 00:09:38,043
[grunting]
224
00:09:40,793 --> 00:09:44,043
"C, colon, Windows. Delete."
225
00:09:44,126 --> 00:09:45,293
"Are you sure? Y, N?"
226
00:09:45,376 --> 00:09:47,043
Please have mercy.
227
00:09:47,834 --> 00:09:48,793
Y. Enter.
228
00:09:48,876 --> 00:09:50,293
[grunts, farts]
229
00:09:50,376 --> 00:09:52,918
FURIOUS SNAKE'S FISTS
230
00:09:53,001 --> 00:09:55,043
[Boner] Oh. Hello, ma'am?
231
00:09:55,126 --> 00:09:58,209
Excuse me, do you maybe happen
to have a spare key?
232
00:09:58,793 --> 00:10:00,168
Hello, my loyal fans.
233
00:10:00,251 --> 00:10:01,376
This is Edzia speaking
234
00:10:01,459 --> 00:10:04,209
with a call to action
"People, wake the fuck up!"
235
00:10:04,293 --> 00:10:08,751
If you really don't want Bill Gates to put
chips in all of you timid sheep out there,
236
00:10:08,834 --> 00:10:10,043
even in the macho men,
237
00:10:10,126 --> 00:10:12,959
boycott high school finals.
This exam is crap.
238
00:10:13,043 --> 00:10:14,918
-Besides, it's very difficult.
-[computer whines]
239
00:10:15,001 --> 00:10:16,793
Oh. Here's the first comment.
240
00:10:16,876 --> 00:10:21,251
Ah! "Since Bill Gates
is seeking to depopulate planet Earth,
241
00:10:21,334 --> 00:10:24,209
leaving only the people
who are absolutely essential,
242
00:10:24,293 --> 00:10:26,168
why are you so fuckin' afraid?"
243
00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:28,376
Uh… Boor!
244
00:10:28,459 --> 00:10:31,209
Ha-ha! I hit and sunk your battleship!
245
00:10:33,126 --> 00:10:34,876
-Oh, hey there.
-Good day--
246
00:10:34,959 --> 00:10:37,709
Hey, what's this dive?
It was supposed to be Heaven!
247
00:10:37,793 --> 00:10:39,459
Are you stupid or just fucked up?
248
00:10:39,543 --> 00:10:42,501
Everyone knows the Gates of Hell
can only lead you back to Earth, dipshit.
249
00:10:42,584 --> 00:10:45,126
-Domino, bring the Gates of Heaven.
-Sure thing.
250
00:10:45,209 --> 00:10:48,001
By the way, young man,
do you wanna buy this special magnet?
251
00:10:48,084 --> 00:10:48,959
Or this shepherd's ax?
252
00:10:49,043 --> 00:10:51,626
-How much for the magnet?
-Not much. Four zloty thirty.
253
00:10:51,709 --> 00:10:54,959
Unfortunately, I don't have that much
on me. Or anywhere else for that matter.
254
00:10:55,043 --> 00:10:58,501
-There. I turned it on.
-Finally. Hooray, home!
255
00:10:58,584 --> 00:11:01,584
[otherworldly echo] Where are you going?
Get out, you horned freak!
256
00:11:01,668 --> 00:11:02,959
Probably unvaccinated too.
257
00:11:03,043 --> 00:11:05,793
[sighs] This sucks. I'm forever cursed.
258
00:11:05,876 --> 00:11:09,459
Can you guys please send me back to Hell?
I really think it was a bit better there.
259
00:11:09,543 --> 00:11:12,584
Who goes to Heaven with horns like that?
Wait right here.
260
00:11:13,084 --> 00:11:15,543
Good day! Which way to the go-go club?
261
00:11:15,626 --> 00:11:17,334
[otherwoldly echo]
Well, sir, that depends.
262
00:11:17,418 --> 00:11:21,334
Do you wanna shell out or are so eager
that you don't mind the cheap one?
263
00:11:21,418 --> 00:11:24,376
-[Boner] Obviously, the cheap one.
-[otherworldly echo] That's reasonable.
264
00:11:24,459 --> 00:11:28,376
So, go to the market-- Hey, wait!
What are you doing? Give it back!
265
00:11:29,084 --> 00:11:31,043
-Fuck! It worked.
-Oh no!
266
00:11:31,126 --> 00:11:33,251
Take that infernal device away from me!
267
00:11:33,334 --> 00:11:36,293
They already used that thing on me
once before and this happened.
268
00:11:36,376 --> 00:11:37,834
You see, most people don't know.
269
00:11:37,918 --> 00:11:41,084
You just have to switch plus to minus
on the power supply
270
00:11:41,168 --> 00:11:44,626
and the decanonizator
becomes a canonizator. You ready?
271
00:11:44,709 --> 00:11:46,293
Are you fucking crazy? Wait!
272
00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:50,126
There we go.
273
00:11:50,709 --> 00:11:52,293
[laughing] Yippee!
274
00:11:53,376 --> 00:11:55,626
Gentlemen, which way
to the nearest go-go club?
275
00:11:55,709 --> 00:11:56,543
THE END
276
00:11:56,626 --> 00:11:58,626
[in Polish]
♪ Exorcist for less than three hundred ♪
277
00:11:58,709 --> 00:12:01,918
♪ Actually, it's two hundred
If you want a bill, it'll cost you more ♪
278
00:12:02,001 --> 00:12:04,959
♪ Watch it, Beelzebutt
You're gonna get your ass kicked ♪
279
00:12:05,043 --> 00:12:08,126
♪ Watch it, Buttcifer
He's aiming at you ♪
280
00:12:08,209 --> 00:12:12,876
[malevolent laugh]