A NETFLIX SERIES
THE FALLEN ANGEL
Jarek! Jarek! Jarek! Jarek!
Jarek, that's enough. You're killing the starter!
-What? -Stop revving the engine!
You know that you're gonna damage the starter and kill my battery!
And then we'll have to go to the mechanic, so we won't be going fishing.
Yeah, right, dude. You know as much about cars as I know about…
everything.
I told you.
What now?
-Our only hope is to push start it. -What?
Get out, let's fucking push.
Is the ignition on? Is it in neutral?
It is. It is. By the way, Maciek, stop being so bossy.
Out of the two of us, I'm the one with a license.
The fact that they took mine away for three months
certainly doesn't mean that I can't start a car any longer.
Besides, the cops took it unfairly.
Because 0.12% Blood Alcohol Content is nothing.
I bet you have more than that right now, buddy.
Well yeah, as long as I'm not blowing, it's zero. You push?
No, I'm fucking shitting. One, two, three!
Second gear!
Jarek, help me, dude!
Holy fuck. Did you just fall?
Um, no, I didn't.
Oh, yeah, gentlemen, I… I can explain.
There is no place in heaven for fallen angels like you.
Stefan, use the decanonizator!
DECANONIZATOR ZDZIWISZ 2000
Straight down to hell.
All right, let's pounce.
-Wait, Stefan. -What?
Who is gonna issue a ticket for parking directly on the grass?
Fucking hell.
What? I can't be close to going over my data limit.
I have the same problem.
A few romantic trips to the toilet and I'm out of gigabytes.
And when you're watching porn in HD,
it can happen more quickly than you might think.
Wait, how can you possibly have the same problem?
You don't even have a cell phone.
Well, that is why I use yours.
No way! Fine, that's it, I'm changing my password today.
You just do that. I will sneak a peek anyway.
Boss, can I surf the Internet on your desktop computer?
-Nope! -Come on!
By the way, I wanted to ask about my paycheck for this past month.
Fine, surf the net.
Just don't download viruses like you usually do.
What viruses? What do you mean "download"?
I just troll the forums online.
Oh, for example.
This interesting vegan forum. That'll do.
I'm gonna create a brand-new thread.
And let's go.
"Do you practice intermittent fasting on Fridays?"
And posted.
And watch. Shitstorm starts in three, two, and one…
And it's starting now.
Responding.
"If meat is such shit, then why do you continue to eat products
that imitate the taste, and smell, and look
of burgers, pork chops, and sausage, etcetera?"
And… Enter.
Dear diary,
I am writing to you today
because it's already past eleven o'clock,
and the cattle have finally gone to sleep.
That's right, I am a shepherd.
Most would say, "Fucking awesome gig'."
"Whatever job you can get, right?"
"Don't complain, you can get used to the stench.'"
"You could have been a TikToker, even though that's really a cringe."
Sadly, the animals are very irritable.
The bastards spit for no reason.
I have to be careful not to, God forbid, wake them,
because the pressure of their jizzy spit…
can really cause damage.
My predecessor lost an eye to their spit.
Brown one.
I hope I'll have more luck.
Oh shit, what to do? What to do?
I know. I'll shut up.
Phew. That was a stroke of luck.
And a fart.
Back to the fucking point.
Dear diary, I know you receive thousands of such requests,
but could you lend me some money?
Not much. Four zloty thirty.
That's the cost of a plonk in hell.
Hey, it wasn't me!
Um… Goodbye, diary.
All right, let's change the subject.
How about trolling the exorcists' forum?
Uh-huh. I'm not the only one.
Don't worry, relax. We will completely mow down the competition.
Hey, Domino, what is the best way to handle an internet troll?
Well, maybe fuck with him somehow.
Are you fucking crazy? That's exactly what the troll wants you to do.
-Um, maybe ignore him then. -Amateur. Ugh!
Who really cares that we don't reply if 30 people are arguing with him.
Then I really don't know.
You should absolutely agree with him,
and agree with all of his opinions, and like all his posts.
-Seriously? -Oh hell yeah!
That's exactly it.
Taunt17 is totally right unlike the rest of you.
The devil is fucking awesome, man,
because he punishes all the bad people." Enter.
Damn, you're so fucking right.
"Anyways, it's just simply not the Middle Ages anymore.
There are no such things as demons.
Exorcists are just tricking people into giving their money to them."
Enter.
Someone just said, "The biggest failure is that pseudo exorcist Boner.
Not only is he a fraud, but he's also a drunk
with a sad, tiny limp dick.
"Hey, Taunt17, bro, my man, mad respect."
I'll show him "limp dick."
-Give me that! Who wrote this? -This guy.
"Behind a keyboard, everyone thinks they are brave.
Let's do a one-on-one, dickhead."
A good troll does not any use swear words.
I don't want to argue. I just want to hit him.
"Ha-ha-ha. I invite you to come down to Hell."
Wait. Down to Hell? So it's some kind of demon.
I knew it! "When and where?"
"Twelve o'clock right outside of the Stolczyk Hell Stadium."
"You will get an ass-kicking."
"Do you understand me?" Enter.
Dear diary, I'm sorry.
I am sorry for calling you a loser.
But if nobody's looking, just grab it
instead of waiting for the salesman to come back.
What? That's not the point?
So what is?
Jeez! Was I supposed to wipe with my hand?
Don't be selfish, you have hundreds of pages.
You can't even tell that you've lost a few dozen.
Yes, you heard me. A few dozen.
It's been happening for quite some time.
Back to the point.
I managed to survive the cattle attack,
but I said, "That's it! I'm done."
But I regret leaving the feed.
I've been starving for the past several minutes.
But no worries.
I have got an axe and an "I heart Hell" magnet.
I can flog it off in a slum.
So let's hit the road in the pursuit of happiness.
LZS STOLCZYK HELL
Fuck! Is he late or a chickenshit? Dammit! Maybe that asshole's not coming at all.
Shit, don't tell me. Did I really get screwed again?
Listen, just a minute ago, on TVN news
they said that some aggressors are attacking the Jasna Gora Monastery.
I immediately got into my car and drove here to do my civic duty
and defend the church, but this is one big provocation.
People, there's no one here.
No one is attacking Jasna Gora. What the fuck are y'all talking about?
Hello, sir?
-Excuse me. -Could it be?
Would you like to buy a souvenir shepherd's axe?
Or maybe a special fridge magnet?
Are you Taunt17?
-What? -Tell me, are you Taunt17?
No. Jarek. Jarek Ciptas. Would you--
-Do you know this loser? -No, I'm just new here.
Who would've thought that not so long ago
I was rocking it around the Gates of Heaven.
Oh, and what I wouldn't give to go back there now, you know.
-Like what? -I don't know. My shepherd's axe?
Help me find this stupid guy,
and I will help you get back to Heaven. Free. No cost to you.
Really? May I?
Hmm. Not so smart after all. He logged into the forum via Facebook.
I will just open that. Oh, he posted links to some of his auctions.
And there. " A car radio, used for over three whole years,
without a panel or a user manual."
So buy now. Full payment in cash upon delivery.
Pick up in person later today. And done.
-Man, why the hell would I need a radio? -Not the radio, but the address.
Undefeated! Now let's get right back to it.
"Walaszek, you fucking fatty, when is the new--"
Czarek, someone's here to see you.
Hi, Taunt17.
Do you recognize me?
Hey, what the fuck?
It's Boner. Bogdan Boner!
Wow, are you for real?
Get the hell out of my fucking room, or I'll have you banned from the chat.
You're just a fucking armchair warrior.
What are you--
"C, colon, Windows. Delete."
"Are you sure? Y, N?"
Please have mercy.
Y. Enter.
FURIOUS SNAKE'S FISTS
Oh. Hello, ma'am?
Excuse me, do you maybe happen to have a spare key?
Hello, my loyal fans.
This is Edzia speaking
with a call to action "People, wake the fuck up!"
If you really don't want Bill Gates to put chips in all of you timid sheep out there,
even in the macho men,
boycott high school finals. This exam is crap.
Besides, it's very difficult.
Oh. Here's the first comment.
Ah! "Since Bill Gates is seeking to depopulate planet Earth,
leaving only the people who are absolutely essential,
why are you so fuckin' afraid?"
Uh… Boor!
Ha-ha! I hit and sunk your battleship!
-Oh, hey there. -Good day--
Hey, what's this dive? It was supposed to be Heaven!
Are you stupid or just fucked up?
Everyone knows the Gates of Hell can only lead you back to Earth, dipshit.
-Domino, bring the Gates of Heaven. -Sure thing.
By the way, young man, do you wanna buy this special magnet?
Or this shepherd's ax?
-How much for the magnet? -Not much. Four zloty thirty.
Unfortunately, I don't have that much on me. Or anywhere else for that matter.
-There. I turned it on. -Finally. Hooray, home!
Where are you going? Get out, you horned freak!
Probably unvaccinated too.
This sucks. I'm forever cursed.
Can you guys please send me back to Hell? I really think it was a bit better there.
Who goes to Heaven with horns like that? Wait right here.
Good day! Which way to the go-go club?
Well, sir, that depends.
Do you wanna shell out or are so eager that you don't mind the cheap one?
-Obviously, the cheap one. -That's reasonable.
So, go to the market-- Hey, wait! What are you doing? Give it back!
-Fuck! It worked. -Oh no!
Take that infernal device away from me!
They already used that thing on me once before and this happened.
You see, most people don't know.
You just have to switch plus to minus on the power supply
and the decanonizator becomes a canonizator. You ready?
Are you fucking crazy? Wait!
There we go.
Yippee!
Gentlemen, which way to the nearest go-go club?
THE END