A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
[theme music playing]
PAID SECURED PARKING
DOUBLE-SHOT BILL
[thrilling music playing]
[ethereal music playing]
There it is.
Beautiful.
I can already see Szymon's ugly face when we get back to hell.
Or Szymon's fat ass, 'cause he's gonna shit himself with envy.
Luki, wait, I don't understand.
So we're already stealing a car, right?
Let's aim for something a bit better than a Dodge Intrepid.
Like for example an Audi.
-Audi Schmaudi, dammit! -What's wrong?
Barnaba, when we get back to Hell,
the first thing I'm gonna do is take the Intrepid to cuss out our mother,
because it's impossible for a moron like you to be my brother.
First of all, do you know how high-maintenance it is?
A part for an Audi, when it decides to break,
is going to cost you, I don't know, a lot.
But for an Intrepid, a part costs as much as junkyard scrap.
And second of all?
-And second of all… -Ow!
-Let's go! -Hey!
Move, or you'll get a third of all… with a fist.
[thrilling music playing]
-Oh, geez. -Shh, Luki!
[uneasy music playing]
[thrilling music playing]
[long wind-up to a sneeze, sneezing]
Shit, that fucking birch pollen had to start right now.
I'm more allergic to it than I am to fucking holy water.
[whispering] All right, Barnaba, now stay quiet…
[wind-up to a sneeze, loud sneeze]
-God-fucking-dammit! -[car alarm blaring]
[barking]
[Barnaba screams]
What on earth's going on out here? You again?
That's right. It's me. Just like I warned you.
And this time around, we brought our official driver's license!
Now grab that dog, get back in your shed,
and open up the gate for us.
You do all that and nobody has to get hurt, got it?
-[scared grunt] Scatty! -[Scatty barking]
[whistling]
[panting]
Barnaba.
Show me what you can do, my friend.
[car alarm blaring]
[alarm stops]
[clanking]
There's a radio and everything.
Fuck, no control panel. Press the buttons with a match.
-[engine starts] -Voilà!
Shit. The guy didn't get the fucking gate up.
Flash the headlights at him. Maybe he forgot.
Not so fast, assholes!
-[choking] -[engine revving]
Oh, dammit, Barnaba.
Bro, gimme the knife. I'll kill the moron!
[screaming]
[grunts]
Barnaba, what are you doing, man? We're brothers. This is so wrong!
[screaming]
[grunts]
All done. That will be 200.
No idea what's wrong with this model,
but it attracts evil like my old lady attracts calories.
And as for your payment, I'm afraid I just do not have that kind of money.
Actually, I don't have any money at all, but I've got something much better--
-[gun firing] -[grunts]
[gun firing]
-[ominous music plays] -[blows]
[tense music plays]
Don't even think about it there, partner.
[classical music playing]
[stomps in slow motion]
[tense music playing]
[clicking]
Ah, dammit. Looks like I'm out of ammo.
[dramatic music plays]
[frantic music playing]
[punching]
[gun fires]
[clicks]
How unfortunate. That's bad luck.
I wanted to put you out of your misery,
but I'm all out of bullets for that too.
Oh well, time to get going.
Yee-haw!
[engine starts]
[tires screeching
[Boner] That's how I got that scar on my stomach.
And since then, nobody's reported seeing Double-Shot Bill again.
-[Domino urinating] -Until today.
Boss, so with all due respect,
what you're saying is a steaming pile of crap.
Identifying a car by its tire marks?
Fine, maybe it's possible,
but those four car tires look about as bald as a Priest Eater's balls.
I know. That's why it's obvious that those tracks are clearly from a Dodge.
Maybe they were slick rally tires or something?
Slicks don't have wires sticking out. Follow me!
Actually, what's the difference between a Priest Eater and a Crossophobe?
I never know.
A Priest Eater has a small dick, but the balls are normal size,
and a Crossophobe has a smaller dick.
-Mm-hmm. And the balls? -That depends. Usually small.
This way!
BENDER BAR
[man] Krzychu, the last round was on you and I drank.
Now I'll drink, and the round is on you.
-All right? -[grunts]
Sure, that seems fair to me, I guess.
That'll be all right. But, Maras, there's a dumb issue.
Looks like I'm all out of cash.
No problem, Krzychu!
What are best friends for?
I'll loan you some.
Thank you, Marecki.
You know, you really, really are a true friend.
I'll give it back with interest.
40% like a good proof vodka.
Barman! Another round.
Put your hands up, everybody. This is a robbery!
-[indistinct chatter] -[upbeat music playing]
[chatter, music stops]
All right, listen, nobody move and nobody, except for that guy,
is gonna get hurt, you hear me?
[ominous music playing]
But first of all…
I'm buying a round of shots for everyone. It'll be my treat!
[all cheering]
That's right! I'm buying one shot for everyone
and two shots for me!
Hence the nickname.
Bingo! That's his car there.
Ah, man, what a beautiful sweet ride.
Well, well. And they say crime doesn't pay! [chuckles]
[impressed whistle] Nice!
It goes all the way up to 220.
Or are those volts? Never mind.
Ooh, a radio.
No control panel, no problem. You can press the buttons with a match.
Damn, what I would've given for a car like that
when I was young and wild, living it up in Hell.
[Marcin] But, boss, I thought that you said that the Dodge was dark red,
and this one is black as hell.
And pretty nicely kitted-out.
Yeah, he repainted it.
And he had three whole years for that redneck tuning.
Redneck or not, at least it runs.
Unlike our piece of junk.
If you hadn't screwed up the starter, it'd still run.
If you hadn't told me to try to start it for half an hour,
I wouldn't have broken it!
Marcinek, forget the van and focus on the mission for Christ's sakes.
If everything goes well, we'll go in, then take care of Double-Shot Bill,
and then we'll get the keys for this super-sweet ride of his.
And you see, that way we get to kill two birds with one stone!
Now listen up, here's the plan.
-[upbeat music playing] -[indistinct chatter]
-Yeah, cheers. -Double cheers. [laughs]
[gulps] Ah.
Bartender! How 'bout another round?
[all cheering]
Um, Bill, sir, let me point out that your tab has exceeded 500 złoty.
If you want to order another round for these folks,
you will have to settle the tab first right now.
I'm very sorry, but these are our rules.
And my rules are that if someone ever cuts off my drinking time short…
[grunts] That means I cut their life short!
You wanna pour us out a drink,
or should I go ahead and make you a new shithole in the head?
Um, I'm pouring, I'm pouring.
[all cheering]
-Why so nervous? -Marecki!
Call the agency and order us some pretty girls.
Two for me!
Hence, the nickname. [chuckles]
Should I say that they're for a demon?
Yeah, say they're for a sex demon.
[laughs]
Oh, and they can be the cheap ones. I'm not fussy.
I can be happy anywhere,
but it's bar sweet bar!
Dad, please listen to me. Let's go home, you've had enough already.
I'm the one who says when I've had enough, okay?
Now come on!
[Domino humming]
♪ Use the lockpick like your willy It's so thin when I'm chilly ♪
♪ Wham-bam-bam Thank you, ma'am ♪
And there!
It hurts much less when I use a lockpick. [laughs]
Bartender! A shot of vodka for me and my son!
Hey…
Dad, but you do know that I'm not even eighteen yet.
That's what I was hoping. I'll get to drink it for you.
[Double-Shot Bill] Stop!
[chatter, music stops]
-Take that back. Drinks are on me today! -[all cheering]
Except I'm the one paying.
Ah, it's my absolute pleasure then.
[shushing]
[thrilling music playing]
And for my son.
[sighs] All right, and now…
Put your fucking hands up, Double-Ass Bill!
[laughs]
That vodka shot must've messed with your head.
You'll be stone-cold dead before you even think of pulling the trigger.
Goodbye! Uh, what the--
Looking for these, Dickless Two-Shot?
You're the one with a small dick, asshole!
You ready?
-See you in hell you son of a-- -Get them!
We can't let anyone shoot our generous benefactor!
[all shouting]
[Boner grunting]
-[struggling] -[crowd clamoring]
I'd say you were all lucky
that my guns got lost during that little scuffle back there,
except now we're going to hang you!
[laughs]
[sighs] I think we're done for, Domino.
You were simply my very best friend.
And you, boss, you… you were my…
my boss.
If this is really how it all ends, then I will say this.
I might not have gotten laid, but it was still all worth it anyway.
And I will say that if we somehow get out of this alive,
then I promise that you, Marcinek, will get your very first raise,
and you, Dumbass-Domino, will start getting paid immediately.
Silence! We don't have much time!
There is still a lot of vodka to be drunk! Which one of you wants to kick the chairs?
-I do! -[woman] I am going to kick you!
Uh-oh.
[dramatic music playing]
-Good… [hiccuping] …bye. -Good night.
Honey, what did I tell you?
Straight home from work. What are you doing?
Come on, sweetie, I just-- Ouch!
Don't you "sweetie" me! Go home!
Hey! Hold on, what's going on-- [grunts]
-Ouch. -You be quiet!
-Or you'll get another! -Oh no.
No woman is gonna tell me what I can and can't-- [grunts]
Goodbye.
Let's go.
Phew. Now that's what I call some good luck!
Hey, boss, you promised, right?
Okay, okay, I was joking!
THE END
[in Polish] ♪ Exorcist for less than three hundred ♪
♪ Actually, it's two hundred If you want a bill, it'll cost you more ♪
♪ Watch it, Beelzebutt You're gonna get your ass kicked ♪
♪ Watch it, Buttcifer He's aiming at you ♪
[malevolent laugh]