1 00:00:06,459 --> 00:00:12,376 A NETFLIX SERIES 2 00:00:12,459 --> 00:00:14,459 [theme music playing] 3 00:00:15,876 --> 00:00:17,709 DISCOLASH DISCO-CLUB 4 00:00:17,793 --> 00:00:21,543 DIABOLICO CARTEL 5 00:00:21,626 --> 00:00:22,709 [dance music playing] 6 00:00:22,793 --> 00:00:26,876 Here's to us. So that we don't remember anything tomorrow. Got it, buddy? 7 00:00:26,959 --> 00:00:31,459 And of course, so that the inevitable hangover is very light and pleasant. 8 00:00:31,543 --> 00:00:34,751 And to the ladies! No need to remember them tomorrow either. 9 00:00:34,834 --> 00:00:37,001 And may they also be easy. [chuckles] 10 00:00:37,084 --> 00:00:37,959 Cheers! 11 00:00:38,043 --> 00:00:39,126 -[chuckles] -Ooh. 12 00:00:39,209 --> 00:00:41,084 -Nice one. Another round? -Yeah. 13 00:00:41,626 --> 00:00:42,459 I guess. 14 00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:44,334 But I've been thinking, Sylwek, 15 00:00:44,418 --> 00:00:47,293 it's always vodka shots and more vodka shots, right? 16 00:00:47,376 --> 00:00:49,376 What about if you and me try something different? 17 00:00:49,459 --> 00:00:52,626 Mariusz, I really like you almost like a friend, 18 00:00:52,709 --> 00:00:54,876 but if you say you want to switch from expensive vodka 19 00:00:54,959 --> 00:00:58,543 to the watered-down piss beer that's being served at this fucking place, 20 00:00:58,626 --> 00:01:01,543 I promise you, and everyone getting wasted here at the club tonight 21 00:01:01,626 --> 00:01:03,959 can be a witness to this promise, I'll smack you. 22 00:01:04,043 --> 00:01:06,459 Are you crazy? Who the fuck do you think I am? 23 00:01:06,543 --> 00:01:08,793 I had something a bit more hardcore in mind. 24 00:01:08,876 --> 00:01:12,209 -Harder than vodka? -How about we do some lines of cocaine? 25 00:01:12,959 --> 00:01:14,209 -What? -What? 26 00:01:14,293 --> 00:01:17,209 I mean… Have you ever tried it before? 27 00:01:17,834 --> 00:01:20,209 -Sure, I have. How about you? -Yeah, maybe. 28 00:01:20,293 --> 00:01:21,543 -[nervous laugh] -Mm-hmm. 29 00:01:21,626 --> 00:01:23,793 -So neither of us have tried it. -So what? 30 00:01:23,876 --> 00:01:27,418 So I think I saw a dealer standing right outside the disco. 31 00:01:28,126 --> 00:01:30,126 [dance music playing] 32 00:01:34,251 --> 00:01:35,626 -Good evening. -What? 33 00:01:35,709 --> 00:01:38,043 Good evening. We would please like two lines of coke. 34 00:01:38,126 --> 00:01:39,793 [dealer] Dude, it's sold by the gram. 35 00:01:39,876 --> 00:01:42,376 -Ah! Well then, I'd like two grams. -[dealer] Eight hundred. 36 00:01:42,459 --> 00:01:44,459 -How much? -Okay, Mariusz, let's get outta here. 37 00:01:44,543 --> 00:01:46,709 [dealer] Speed's cheaper. Thirty per gram. 38 00:01:46,793 --> 00:01:48,376 It'll be plenty for two lines. 39 00:01:48,459 --> 00:01:51,959 Lines that'll be as thick as a male pornstar's overused veiny cock. 40 00:01:52,043 --> 00:01:53,876 [laughs] Oh. Sounds good. I'll take it. 41 00:01:53,959 --> 00:01:54,793 You can pay me back. 42 00:01:54,876 --> 00:01:57,084 [dealer] Not here, dumbass. Put that away. 43 00:02:03,418 --> 00:02:04,876 [Mariusz gasps] Goodbye. 44 00:02:09,418 --> 00:02:10,834 -Now what? -Snort it. 45 00:02:10,918 --> 00:02:12,126 All right. [clears throat] 46 00:02:12,209 --> 00:02:14,209 [snorting] 47 00:02:14,293 --> 00:02:15,959 Ahh! 48 00:02:16,043 --> 00:02:17,959 Hey, the second one was for me. 49 00:02:18,959 --> 00:02:21,126 To the dance floor! 50 00:02:21,209 --> 00:02:22,959 Stop! Entry is ten zloty. 51 00:02:23,043 --> 00:02:25,543 But we already paid. We just stepped out for a bit. 52 00:02:25,626 --> 00:02:26,709 [quick breaths] 53 00:02:26,793 --> 00:02:28,209 [mumbling] 54 00:02:28,293 --> 00:02:30,834 It says here on the sign directly behind me, 55 00:02:30,918 --> 00:02:32,334 "No stepping out for a bit." 56 00:02:32,418 --> 00:02:33,959 You want in? You pay again. 57 00:02:34,626 --> 00:02:35,793 Hey, you little shit! 58 00:02:36,459 --> 00:02:37,293 [screaming] 59 00:02:37,876 --> 00:02:39,793 Ooh! 60 00:02:39,876 --> 00:02:42,459 To the dance floor! 61 00:02:44,709 --> 00:02:46,126 [body hits the ground] 62 00:02:46,709 --> 00:02:49,668 The bouncer looked like a snail with horns instead of eyes. 63 00:02:49,751 --> 00:02:52,293 You know what I mean? But the fucking asshole didn't even care. 64 00:02:52,376 --> 00:02:55,084 He just ran onto the dance floor and went so berserk, 65 00:02:55,168 --> 00:02:57,209 that he scared all the customers away. 66 00:02:57,293 --> 00:02:58,293 METROPOLITAN BEER 67 00:02:58,376 --> 00:03:01,209 I told the head of security, "Everybody go to the main hall." 68 00:03:01,293 --> 00:03:02,834 "Get the rioter out of here." 69 00:03:02,918 --> 00:03:04,251 Five security guards. 70 00:03:04,334 --> 00:03:06,834 Five men over 250 pounds 71 00:03:06,918 --> 00:03:09,334 got into the hall and surrounded this stupid moron. 72 00:03:09,418 --> 00:03:11,209 The head of security was pissed and shouted, 73 00:03:11,293 --> 00:03:14,209 "There are no sport shoes allowed in here." 74 00:03:14,293 --> 00:03:17,876 And the guy just looked at him with these empty glazed over eyes 75 00:03:17,959 --> 00:03:21,709 and yelled out, "DJ, turn on the music, I wanna breakdance." 76 00:03:21,793 --> 00:03:24,126 I said to the DJ, "Don't you fucking dare." 77 00:03:24,209 --> 00:03:26,043 The DJ said politely into the mic, 78 00:03:26,126 --> 00:03:29,209 "The party's over, you're welcome to get the fuck out now." 79 00:03:29,293 --> 00:03:31,084 And that's when it all started. 80 00:03:31,168 --> 00:03:34,209 The security guards were popping like fucking flies. 81 00:03:34,293 --> 00:03:36,418 -"Dropping." -Um, sorry, dropping. 82 00:03:36,501 --> 00:03:39,418 The security guards were dropping like fucking flies. 83 00:03:39,501 --> 00:03:40,709 Yeah, the first one… 84 00:03:40,793 --> 00:03:42,459 had his arm broken. 85 00:03:42,543 --> 00:03:43,626 The second one… 86 00:03:43,709 --> 00:03:44,959 his leg. 87 00:03:45,043 --> 00:03:46,293 The third one… 88 00:03:46,376 --> 00:03:47,626 his heart. 89 00:03:50,126 --> 00:03:52,043 And the last two just got smacked the hell up. 90 00:03:52,126 --> 00:03:56,293 The poor DJ had to play "Lambada" until 2:00 p.m. the next day. 91 00:03:56,376 --> 00:03:58,709 And the moron was breakdancing, 92 00:03:58,793 --> 00:04:01,876 until he got a bald spot on the top of his head. 93 00:04:01,959 --> 00:04:03,793 And this shit happens every week. 94 00:04:03,876 --> 00:04:07,084 Each week one or more of our customers go batshit crazy. 95 00:04:07,168 --> 00:04:09,459 The police don't want to launch an investigation. 96 00:04:09,543 --> 00:04:12,709 They say, "That's normal on drugs." But you know what I think? 97 00:04:12,793 --> 00:04:15,876 I think there's something very, very wrong with these drugs. 98 00:04:15,959 --> 00:04:18,168 Hey, man, I don't know shit about drugs. 99 00:04:18,251 --> 00:04:21,293 You see, I'm a patriot. And the only thing I drink is only pure vodka. 100 00:04:21,376 --> 00:04:23,543 When there's no more vodka, I'm fine with any alcohol. 101 00:04:23,626 --> 00:04:25,543 Shit, Jesus, but you're a goddamn exorcist, 102 00:04:25,626 --> 00:04:27,626 and the shit that they're selling outside the club 103 00:04:27,709 --> 00:04:30,126 is straight from the dark depths of Hell. 104 00:04:30,209 --> 00:04:31,834 Okay then. It's two hundred. 105 00:04:31,918 --> 00:04:33,918 Three hundred with an invoice. Not really worth it. 106 00:04:34,001 --> 00:04:35,209 I'll get right to work on it. 107 00:04:35,293 --> 00:04:37,543 Fuck yeah, I need an invoice. It's a business expense. 108 00:04:37,626 --> 00:04:39,834 Whoa, holy fucking shit, well, that is a new one. 109 00:04:39,918 --> 00:04:41,959 I guess I'll have to register my business now. 110 00:04:44,376 --> 00:04:45,876 [brakes screeching] 111 00:04:45,959 --> 00:04:47,793 [man 1] Yee-haw! 112 00:04:47,876 --> 00:04:50,876 Let's spend this money as fast as possible! 113 00:04:50,959 --> 00:04:53,459 Too much dough in your wallet is bad luck! 114 00:04:53,543 --> 00:04:56,334 [man 2] Yeah right, my next taco will take care of that! 115 00:04:56,876 --> 00:05:00,084 All right. Can someone please explain to me what in the hell we're doing here? 116 00:05:00,168 --> 00:05:02,251 Marcinek and I are waiting for the dealer to get here. 117 00:05:02,334 --> 00:05:03,751 Yeah, and you're here to make sure 118 00:05:03,834 --> 00:05:05,876 you don't make another mess at the office again. 119 00:05:05,959 --> 00:05:09,001 [chuckles] Forgive me, I still can't quite get the hang of the bathroom thing. 120 00:05:09,084 --> 00:05:11,418 Back home, toilets are only used for drinking out of. 121 00:05:11,501 --> 00:05:13,043 And you take a poo on the floor. 122 00:05:13,126 --> 00:05:15,876 All right, now here is a question to help us kill some time. 123 00:05:15,959 --> 00:05:17,293 Is twelve like a lot? 124 00:05:17,376 --> 00:05:19,793 -Well, that all depends. -Bottles of vodka, yeah. 125 00:05:19,876 --> 00:05:22,543 Nah, doesn't really matter what. Bottles, years, zloty… [clears throat] 126 00:05:22,626 --> 00:05:23,459 …uh, centimeters. 127 00:05:23,543 --> 00:05:26,543 So that's the question. Well, that's not all that much. 128 00:05:26,626 --> 00:05:30,001 All right! Don't worry about it. You know, it's not like you're getting laid anyway. 129 00:05:30,084 --> 00:05:32,709 -Okay, shut up, there he is. -[van door opens, closes] 130 00:05:32,793 --> 00:05:34,876 Evening. Give me a bag of your cheapest. 131 00:05:34,959 --> 00:05:37,709 [dealer whistles] The Czech Speedball. 132 00:05:37,793 --> 00:05:39,959 That's a bold choice. One zloty fifty. 133 00:05:40,043 --> 00:05:41,209 [coins clinking] 134 00:05:41,293 --> 00:05:42,459 [dealer] Not out here! 135 00:05:44,543 --> 00:05:45,876 [suspicious music playing] 136 00:05:48,043 --> 00:05:50,543 [grunts] Damn these stupid gloves. 137 00:05:50,626 --> 00:05:51,876 Whoa, hang on. 138 00:05:53,209 --> 00:05:55,668 -I fucking knew it! -Wait, let's make a deal. 139 00:05:55,751 --> 00:05:58,251 I'll give you a hundred. I've got a few thousand. 140 00:05:58,334 --> 00:06:00,126 Oh, damn it, I've said too much. Wait a second! 141 00:06:00,209 --> 00:06:01,543 -[gun fires] -[groans] 142 00:06:01,626 --> 00:06:06,126 [demon] Ninety-five, 96, 97, 98… 143 00:06:06,209 --> 00:06:07,376 Ninety-nine? 144 00:06:09,251 --> 00:06:11,876 A hundred. All good. Get lost, Burro. 145 00:06:11,959 --> 00:06:14,376 Thank you, Banio. Don Carlos Nachos. 146 00:06:14,459 --> 00:06:15,459 El respecto. 147 00:06:15,959 --> 00:06:16,834 Who's next? 148 00:06:19,501 --> 00:06:21,626 [Diarea] D-Don Carlos… B-B-B-Banio… 149 00:06:21,709 --> 00:06:25,043 Spit it out, Diarea. Mr. Don Carlos is in a hurry. 150 00:06:26,751 --> 00:06:28,209 -What's that? -Bad news, boss. 151 00:06:28,293 --> 00:06:29,459 We've lost one of the dealers. 152 00:06:29,543 --> 00:06:32,126 I don't care about your dealer. Where's the money and drugs? 153 00:06:32,209 --> 00:06:34,293 [sighs] It was stolen. 154 00:06:34,959 --> 00:06:36,459 [grunts angrily, clicks tongue] 155 00:06:36,543 --> 00:06:37,459 Ouch! What… 156 00:06:37,543 --> 00:06:40,418 You better get the money and the drugs back, my friend, 157 00:06:40,501 --> 00:06:42,626 or you will end up like Banio here. 158 00:06:42,709 --> 00:06:44,709 Um, you mean I'll become your right hand? 159 00:06:45,751 --> 00:06:46,834 [gun fires] 160 00:06:47,834 --> 00:06:51,043 Yeah, with a giant vent in your head. 161 00:06:51,709 --> 00:06:52,626 [gulps] 162 00:06:56,959 --> 00:06:59,918 What in the hell made me become a gangster in the first place? 163 00:07:00,001 --> 00:07:00,876 The money is decent, 164 00:07:00,959 --> 00:07:03,584 but what good is money if I'm six feet under in the desert? 165 00:07:03,668 --> 00:07:05,209 Eh, I should have listened to my mother, 166 00:07:05,293 --> 00:07:07,709 stayed in university to finish that sociology degree. 167 00:07:07,793 --> 00:07:09,626 Then I'd be drowning in a ton of job offers. 168 00:07:09,709 --> 00:07:13,668 Handing out fliers, or night watchman, or even a dishwasher. 169 00:07:13,751 --> 00:07:15,626 And maybe I'd be a little smarter. 170 00:07:15,709 --> 00:07:19,043 Dynia, listen to me. It's not too late for you yet, my brother. 171 00:07:19,126 --> 00:07:21,626 First of all, I don't mind being an idiot. 172 00:07:21,709 --> 00:07:22,751 Second of all, 173 00:07:22,834 --> 00:07:24,876 would you have a ride like this after college? 174 00:07:24,959 --> 00:07:25,793 [laughs] 175 00:07:25,876 --> 00:07:28,709 All right. Fine, you convinced me. [laughs] 176 00:07:28,793 --> 00:07:32,043 I won't complain. [laughs] Wait, or I'm gonna puke. 177 00:07:32,126 --> 00:07:34,543 Okay, turn it off. We have some losers to go shoot. 178 00:07:34,626 --> 00:07:36,626 [laughs, retches] 179 00:07:40,959 --> 00:07:42,959 [wipers squeaking] 180 00:07:45,501 --> 00:07:47,959 Phew, thank God the situation's totally under control. 181 00:07:48,043 --> 00:07:49,043 That was a real close one. 182 00:07:49,126 --> 00:07:52,876 Domino, what I should do is take this hose and shove it up your stupid… 183 00:07:52,959 --> 00:07:54,043 [phone ringing] 184 00:07:54,126 --> 00:07:55,709 …asshole. Um, hello? 185 00:07:56,959 --> 00:07:58,084 Whoa. What do you mean? 186 00:07:58,168 --> 00:08:01,001 You saw for yourself that I sorted all that stupid bullshit out. 187 00:08:02,334 --> 00:08:04,918 Okay, dude, but it's gonna cost you the same amount. 188 00:08:05,459 --> 00:08:06,293 On my way. 189 00:08:06,376 --> 00:08:08,001 Okay, morons, finish this yourselves. 190 00:08:08,084 --> 00:08:10,543 I'm off to the club 'cause they're dealing with that shit again. 191 00:08:10,626 --> 00:08:13,626 Boss, are you sure? Why don't I go along with you and help you out? 192 00:08:13,709 --> 00:08:16,626 No fucking way. I'd rather get anally probed by ET. 193 00:08:16,709 --> 00:08:17,709 -But… -Come on, man. 194 00:08:17,793 --> 00:08:19,543 You were only supposed to water the garden, 195 00:08:19,626 --> 00:08:22,126 and you almost cut off my goddamn fingers with the freakin' mower 196 00:08:22,209 --> 00:08:23,793 and set the gazebo on fire. 197 00:08:23,876 --> 00:08:25,543 [whimsical music plays] 198 00:08:25,626 --> 00:08:27,626 [suspenseful music playing] 199 00:08:28,209 --> 00:08:30,043 I got your ass, you motherfucker. 200 00:08:30,126 --> 00:08:31,209 [van door opens, closes] 201 00:08:31,293 --> 00:08:33,793 Just how many more of these stupid drug dealers do I have to kill 202 00:08:33,876 --> 00:08:35,376 before they get the fucking picture? 203 00:08:35,459 --> 00:08:36,543 [ominous music plays] 204 00:08:36,626 --> 00:08:38,418 What the hell is going on? 205 00:08:38,501 --> 00:08:39,376 I can't believe it. 206 00:08:39,459 --> 00:08:42,459 He even put LED lights in this shit to look like eyes. 207 00:08:42,543 --> 00:08:45,209 Why would anyone go to all that trou-- [grunts] 208 00:08:47,043 --> 00:08:50,126 -Got him! -[Diarea] Very good. Now take him to hell. 209 00:08:50,209 --> 00:08:52,793 Oh, but grab the lights. They are from my bike. 210 00:08:52,876 --> 00:08:54,376 [ominous music plays] 211 00:08:56,668 --> 00:08:57,793 [groans] 212 00:08:58,709 --> 00:08:59,876 What the fuck happened? 213 00:09:00,459 --> 00:09:01,459 Where the fuck am I? 214 00:09:01,543 --> 00:09:05,501 In deep shit. Or even better. Welcome to Hell, brother! 215 00:09:06,959 --> 00:09:09,751 Whoever raises their hand against the cartel, 216 00:09:09,834 --> 00:09:12,334 gets a bullet in their fucking fat hand. 217 00:09:12,918 --> 00:09:14,918 Hang on. It should've been "in their fat head". 218 00:09:15,001 --> 00:09:17,543 Never mind. By hook or cock-- I mean crook. 219 00:09:17,626 --> 00:09:20,501 You have about five seconds left to live, my friend. 220 00:09:20,584 --> 00:09:22,543 Got any last wishes before we kill you? 221 00:09:22,626 --> 00:09:25,834 Yeah. Put that goddamn gun up to your stupid, ugly head 222 00:09:25,918 --> 00:09:27,626 and pull the trigger, you demon scum. 223 00:09:27,709 --> 00:09:29,043 That's it? Huh! 224 00:09:29,709 --> 00:09:30,959 Diarea, wait. 225 00:09:31,043 --> 00:09:32,709 He could be trying to set you up. 226 00:09:33,293 --> 00:09:34,293 Wait. You are right. 227 00:09:34,959 --> 00:09:36,501 Sorry, buddy, I don't trust you. 228 00:09:36,584 --> 00:09:38,543 So we're going to skip this part of the program. 229 00:09:38,626 --> 00:09:39,459 You ready? 230 00:09:39,543 --> 00:09:40,709 Three… 231 00:09:40,793 --> 00:09:41,709 two… 232 00:09:41,793 --> 00:09:43,876 uh, three… 233 00:09:43,959 --> 00:09:46,543 Hold on, it's hard to count backwards. Let's do this. 234 00:09:46,626 --> 00:09:48,209 One, two-- 235 00:09:48,293 --> 00:09:50,251 He's only brave 'cause he's holding a gun. 236 00:09:50,334 --> 00:09:52,084 Why don't you put that kiddie toy down 237 00:09:52,168 --> 00:09:54,543 and fight me with your shitty little hands like a real man. 238 00:09:54,626 --> 00:09:56,001 [laughs] 239 00:09:56,084 --> 00:09:58,334 Do you actually think you would even stand a chance? 240 00:09:58,418 --> 00:10:00,709 Knockout in the first round. Let's go! 241 00:10:00,793 --> 00:10:02,543 This fucking guy is all bark and no bite. 242 00:10:02,626 --> 00:10:04,793 You little shit, you asked for it. 243 00:10:04,876 --> 00:10:06,334 -Diarea. -Just a moment. 244 00:10:06,876 --> 00:10:08,209 [snorting] 245 00:10:08,293 --> 00:10:10,293 Ahh! Death match! 246 00:10:10,376 --> 00:10:11,501 [quick breaths] 247 00:10:11,584 --> 00:10:13,209 [yells, grunts] 248 00:10:14,459 --> 00:10:16,376 [laughs] Didn't I say? 249 00:10:16,459 --> 00:10:17,293 [quick breaths] 250 00:10:17,376 --> 00:10:18,334 Ahh! 251 00:10:18,418 --> 00:10:20,126 [grunting] 252 00:10:20,209 --> 00:10:22,376 [laughs] Didn't I warn you? 253 00:10:22,959 --> 00:10:24,709 Maybe I should just shoot him, you think? 254 00:10:24,793 --> 00:10:27,126 Don't you dare! I can win the match on points. 255 00:10:27,209 --> 00:10:28,084 [quick breaths] 256 00:10:28,168 --> 00:10:29,626 Attack! 257 00:10:29,709 --> 00:10:32,084 [grunts, laughs] 258 00:10:32,168 --> 00:10:33,168 You had enough yet? 259 00:10:33,251 --> 00:10:35,459 [grunting] 260 00:10:35,543 --> 00:10:37,543 I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. 261 00:10:37,626 --> 00:10:41,043 We will keep fighting each other until one of us takes their death shit. 262 00:10:43,543 --> 00:10:45,376 Hands in the air, you dickheads! 263 00:10:45,459 --> 00:10:46,793 -Er… -[gun fires] 264 00:10:46,876 --> 00:10:47,959 [grunts] 265 00:10:48,043 --> 00:10:51,251 Oh crap, not the right guy. Okay, I'll have better aim this time. 266 00:10:51,334 --> 00:10:52,626 -[gun fires] -[grunts] 267 00:10:52,709 --> 00:10:54,126 Fu-- Whatever. 268 00:10:54,209 --> 00:10:55,918 Third time's gonna be the charm. 269 00:10:56,418 --> 00:10:59,043 -[gun clicks] -Once again out of ammunition. 270 00:10:59,126 --> 00:11:01,126 [laughs evilly] 271 00:11:04,709 --> 00:11:07,293 The tables have finally turned, motherfucker. 272 00:11:07,376 --> 00:11:09,209 Any last wishes before I kill you? 273 00:11:09,293 --> 00:11:12,293 Yeah, lend me your gun for just a moment, would ya? 274 00:11:12,376 --> 00:11:17,251 Uh… All right then. A last request is a sacred thing. 275 00:11:18,709 --> 00:11:20,459 -[gun fires] -[body hits the ground] 276 00:11:20,543 --> 00:11:22,543 [upbeat music playing] 277 00:11:26,626 --> 00:11:27,459 THE END 278 00:11:27,543 --> 00:11:29,543 [in Polish] ♪ Exorcist for less than three hundred ♪ 279 00:11:29,626 --> 00:11:32,751 ♪ Actually, it's two hundred If you want a bill, it'll cost you more ♪ 280 00:11:32,834 --> 00:11:35,834 ♪ Watch it, Beelzebutt You're gonna get your ass kicked ♪ 281 00:11:35,918 --> 00:11:39,084 ♪ Watch it, Buttcifer He's aiming at you ♪ 282 00:11:39,168 --> 00:11:43,793 [malevolent laugh]