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A NETFLIX SERIES
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[theme music playing]
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DISCOLASH
DISCO-CLUB
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DIABOLICO CARTEL
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[dance music playing]
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Here's to us. So that we don't remember
anything tomorrow. Got it, buddy?
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And of course, so that the inevitable
hangover is very light and pleasant.
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And to the ladies! No need to
remember them tomorrow either.
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And may they also be easy. [chuckles]
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Cheers!
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-[chuckles]
-Ooh.
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-Nice one. Another round?
-Yeah.
13
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I guess.
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But I've been thinking, Sylwek,
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it's always vodka shots
and more vodka shots, right?
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What about if you and me
try something different?
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Mariusz, I really like you
almost like a friend,
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but if you say you want to switch
from expensive vodka
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to the watered-down piss beer
that's being served at this fucking place,
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I promise you, and everyone
getting wasted here at the club tonight
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can be a witness to this promise,
I'll smack you.
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Are you crazy?
Who the fuck do you think I am?
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I had something
a bit more hardcore in mind.
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-Harder than vodka?
-How about we do some lines of cocaine?
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-What?
-What?
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I mean… Have you ever tried it before?
27
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-Sure, I have. How about you?
-Yeah, maybe.
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-[nervous laugh]
-Mm-hmm.
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-So neither of us have tried it.
-So what?
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So I think I saw
a dealer standing right outside the disco.
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[dance music playing]
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-Good evening.
-What?
33
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Good evening.
We would please like two lines of coke.
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[dealer] Dude, it's sold by the gram.
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-Ah! Well then, I'd like two grams.
-[dealer] Eight hundred.
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-How much?
-Okay, Mariusz, let's get outta here.
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[dealer] Speed's cheaper. Thirty per gram.
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It'll be plenty for two lines.
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Lines that'll be as thick as
a male pornstar's overused veiny cock.
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[laughs] Oh. Sounds good. I'll take it.
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You can pay me back.
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[dealer] Not here, dumbass. Put that away.
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[Mariusz gasps] Goodbye.
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-Now what?
-Snort it.
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All right. [clears throat]
46
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[snorting]
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Ahh!
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Hey, the second one was for me.
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To the dance floor!
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Stop! Entry is ten zloty.
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But we already paid.
We just stepped out for a bit.
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[quick breaths]
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[mumbling]
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It says here
on the sign directly behind me,
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"No stepping out for a bit."
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You want in? You pay again.
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Hey, you little shit!
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[screaming]
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Ooh!
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To the dance floor!
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[body hits the ground]
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The bouncer looked like a snail
with horns instead of eyes.
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You know what I mean?
But the fucking asshole didn't even care.
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He just ran onto the dance floor
and went so berserk,
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that he scared all the customers away.
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METROPOLITAN
BEER
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I told the head of security,
"Everybody go to the main hall."
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"Get the rioter out of here."
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Five security guards.
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Five men over 250 pounds
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got into the hall
and surrounded this stupid moron.
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The head of security
was pissed and shouted,
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"There are no sport shoes allowed
in here."
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And the guy just looked at him
with these empty glazed over eyes
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and yelled out, "DJ, turn on the music,
I wanna breakdance."
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I said to the DJ,
"Don't you fucking dare."
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The DJ said politely into the mic,
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"The party's over,
you're welcome to get the fuck out now."
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And that's when it all started.
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The security guards
were popping like fucking flies.
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-"Dropping."
-Um, sorry, dropping.
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The security guards
were dropping like fucking flies.
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Yeah, the first one…
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had his arm broken.
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The second one…
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his leg.
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The third one…
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his heart.
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And the last two
just got smacked the hell up.
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The poor DJ had to play "Lambada"
until 2:00 p.m. the next day.
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And the moron was breakdancing,
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until he got a bald spot
on the top of his head.
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And this shit happens every week.
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Each week one or more of our customers
go batshit crazy.
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The police don't want
to launch an investigation.
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They say, "That's normal on drugs."
But you know what I think?
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I think there's something very, very wrong
with these drugs.
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Hey, man, I don't know shit about drugs.
99
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You see, I'm a patriot. And the only thing
I drink is only pure vodka.
100
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When there's no more vodka,
I'm fine with any alcohol.
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Shit, Jesus,
but you're a goddamn exorcist,
102
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and the shit that they're selling
outside the club
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is straight from the dark depths of Hell.
104
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Okay then. It's two hundred.
105
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Three hundred with an invoice.
Not really worth it.
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I'll get right to work on it.
107
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Fuck yeah, I need an invoice.
It's a business expense.
108
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Whoa, holy fucking shit,
well, that is a new one.
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I guess I'll have to register
my business now.
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[brakes screeching]
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[man 1] Yee-haw!
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Let's spend this money
as fast as possible!
113
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Too much dough in your wallet is bad luck!
114
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[man 2] Yeah right,
my next taco will take care of that!
115
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All right. Can someone please explain
to me what in the hell we're doing here?
116
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Marcinek and I are waiting
for the dealer to get here.
117
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Yeah, and you're here to make sure
118
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you don't make another mess
at the office again.
119
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[chuckles] Forgive me, I still can't
quite get the hang of the bathroom thing.
120
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Back home, toilets are only used
for drinking out of.
121
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And you take a poo on the floor.
122
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All right, now here is a question
to help us kill some time.
123
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Is twelve like a lot?
124
00:05:17,376 --> 00:05:19,793
-Well, that all depends.
-Bottles of vodka, yeah.
125
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Nah, doesn't really matter what.
Bottles, years, zloty… [clears throat]
126
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…uh, centimeters.
127
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So that's the question.
Well, that's not all that much.
128
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All right! Don't worry about it. You know,
it's not like you're getting laid anyway.
129
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-Okay, shut up, there he is.
-[van door opens, closes]
130
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Evening. Give me a bag of your cheapest.
131
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[dealer whistles] The Czech Speedball.
132
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That's a bold choice. One zloty fifty.
133
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[coins clinking]
134
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[dealer] Not out here!
135
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[suspicious music playing]
136
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[grunts] Damn these stupid gloves.
137
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Whoa, hang on.
138
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-I fucking knew it!
-Wait, let's make a deal.
139
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I'll give you a hundred.
I've got a few thousand.
140
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Oh, damn it, I've said too much.
Wait a second!
141
00:06:00,209 --> 00:06:01,543
-[gun fires]
-[groans]
142
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[demon] Ninety-five, 96, 97, 98…
143
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Ninety-nine?
144
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A hundred. All good. Get lost, Burro.
145
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Thank you, Banio. Don Carlos Nachos.
146
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El respecto.
147
00:06:15,959 --> 00:06:16,834
Who's next?
148
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[Diarea] D-Don Carlos… B-B-B-Banio…
149
00:06:21,709 --> 00:06:25,043
Spit it out, Diarea.
Mr. Don Carlos is in a hurry.
150
00:06:26,751 --> 00:06:28,209
-What's that?
-Bad news, boss.
151
00:06:28,293 --> 00:06:29,459
We've lost one of the dealers.
152
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I don't care about your dealer.
Where's the money and drugs?
153
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[sighs] It was stolen.
154
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[grunts angrily, clicks tongue]
155
00:06:36,543 --> 00:06:37,459
Ouch! What…
156
00:06:37,543 --> 00:06:40,418
You better get the money
and the drugs back, my friend,
157
00:06:40,501 --> 00:06:42,626
or you will end up like Banio here.
158
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Um, you mean I'll become your right hand?
159
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[gun fires]
160
00:06:47,834 --> 00:06:51,043
Yeah, with a giant vent in your head.
161
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[gulps]
162
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What in the hell made me become a gangster
in the first place?
163
00:07:00,001 --> 00:07:00,876
The money is decent,
164
00:07:00,959 --> 00:07:03,584
but what good is money
if I'm six feet under in the desert?
165
00:07:03,668 --> 00:07:05,209
Eh, I should have listened to my mother,
166
00:07:05,293 --> 00:07:07,709
stayed in university
to finish that sociology degree.
167
00:07:07,793 --> 00:07:09,626
Then I'd be drowning
in a ton of job offers.
168
00:07:09,709 --> 00:07:13,668
Handing out fliers,
or night watchman, or even a dishwasher.
169
00:07:13,751 --> 00:07:15,626
And maybe I'd be a little smarter.
170
00:07:15,709 --> 00:07:19,043
Dynia, listen to me.
It's not too late for you yet, my brother.
171
00:07:19,126 --> 00:07:21,626
First of all, I don't mind being an idiot.
172
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Second of all,
173
00:07:22,834 --> 00:07:24,876
would you have a ride like this
after college?
174
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[laughs]
175
00:07:25,876 --> 00:07:28,709
All right.
Fine, you convinced me. [laughs]
176
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I won't complain. [laughs]
Wait, or I'm gonna puke.
177
00:07:32,126 --> 00:07:34,543
Okay, turn it off.
We have some losers to go shoot.
178
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[laughs, retches]
179
00:07:40,959 --> 00:07:42,959
[wipers squeaking]
180
00:07:45,501 --> 00:07:47,959
Phew, thank God
the situation's totally under control.
181
00:07:48,043 --> 00:07:49,043
That was a real close one.
182
00:07:49,126 --> 00:07:52,876
Domino, what I should do is take this hose
and shove it up your stupid…
183
00:07:52,959 --> 00:07:54,043
[phone ringing]
184
00:07:54,126 --> 00:07:55,709
…asshole. Um, hello?
185
00:07:56,959 --> 00:07:58,084
Whoa. What do you mean?
186
00:07:58,168 --> 00:08:01,001
You saw for yourself that I sorted
all that stupid bullshit out.
187
00:08:02,334 --> 00:08:04,918
Okay, dude, but it's gonna
cost you the same amount.
188
00:08:05,459 --> 00:08:06,293
On my way.
189
00:08:06,376 --> 00:08:08,001
Okay, morons, finish this yourselves.
190
00:08:08,084 --> 00:08:10,543
I'm off to the club 'cause
they're dealing with that shit again.
191
00:08:10,626 --> 00:08:13,626
Boss, are you sure? Why don't I
go along with you and help you out?
192
00:08:13,709 --> 00:08:16,626
No fucking way.
I'd rather get anally probed by ET.
193
00:08:16,709 --> 00:08:17,709
-But…
-Come on, man.
194
00:08:17,793 --> 00:08:19,543
You were only supposed
to water the garden,
195
00:08:19,626 --> 00:08:22,126
and you almost cut off my goddamn fingers
with the freakin' mower
196
00:08:22,209 --> 00:08:23,793
and set the gazebo on fire.
197
00:08:23,876 --> 00:08:25,543
[whimsical music plays]
198
00:08:25,626 --> 00:08:27,626
[suspenseful music playing]
199
00:08:28,209 --> 00:08:30,043
I got your ass, you motherfucker.
200
00:08:30,126 --> 00:08:31,209
[van door opens, closes]
201
00:08:31,293 --> 00:08:33,793
Just how many more of these
stupid drug dealers do I have to kill
202
00:08:33,876 --> 00:08:35,376
before they get the fucking picture?
203
00:08:35,459 --> 00:08:36,543
[ominous music plays]
204
00:08:36,626 --> 00:08:38,418
What the hell is going on?
205
00:08:38,501 --> 00:08:39,376
I can't believe it.
206
00:08:39,459 --> 00:08:42,459
He even put LED lights in this shit
to look like eyes.
207
00:08:42,543 --> 00:08:45,209
Why would anyone go
to all that trou-- [grunts]
208
00:08:47,043 --> 00:08:50,126
-Got him!
-[Diarea] Very good. Now take him to hell.
209
00:08:50,209 --> 00:08:52,793
Oh, but grab the lights.
They are from my bike.
210
00:08:52,876 --> 00:08:54,376
[ominous music plays]
211
00:08:56,668 --> 00:08:57,793
[groans]
212
00:08:58,709 --> 00:08:59,876
What the fuck happened?
213
00:09:00,459 --> 00:09:01,459
Where the fuck am I?
214
00:09:01,543 --> 00:09:05,501
In deep shit.
Or even better. Welcome to Hell, brother!
215
00:09:06,959 --> 00:09:09,751
Whoever raises their hand
against the cartel,
216
00:09:09,834 --> 00:09:12,334
gets a bullet in their fucking fat hand.
217
00:09:12,918 --> 00:09:14,918
Hang on.
It should've been "in their fat head".
218
00:09:15,001 --> 00:09:17,543
Never mind. By hook or cock--
I mean crook.
219
00:09:17,626 --> 00:09:20,501
You have about
five seconds left to live, my friend.
220
00:09:20,584 --> 00:09:22,543
Got any last wishes before we kill you?
221
00:09:22,626 --> 00:09:25,834
Yeah. Put that goddamn gun
up to your stupid, ugly head
222
00:09:25,918 --> 00:09:27,626
and pull the trigger, you demon scum.
223
00:09:27,709 --> 00:09:29,043
That's it? Huh!
224
00:09:29,709 --> 00:09:30,959
Diarea, wait.
225
00:09:31,043 --> 00:09:32,709
He could be trying to set you up.
226
00:09:33,293 --> 00:09:34,293
Wait. You are right.
227
00:09:34,959 --> 00:09:36,501
Sorry, buddy, I don't trust you.
228
00:09:36,584 --> 00:09:38,543
So we're going to skip
this part of the program.
229
00:09:38,626 --> 00:09:39,459
You ready?
230
00:09:39,543 --> 00:09:40,709
Three…
231
00:09:40,793 --> 00:09:41,709
two…
232
00:09:41,793 --> 00:09:43,876
uh, three…
233
00:09:43,959 --> 00:09:46,543
Hold on, it's hard to count backwards.
Let's do this.
234
00:09:46,626 --> 00:09:48,209
One, two--
235
00:09:48,293 --> 00:09:50,251
He's only brave 'cause he's holding a gun.
236
00:09:50,334 --> 00:09:52,084
Why don't you put that kiddie toy down
237
00:09:52,168 --> 00:09:54,543
and fight me with your shitty little hands
like a real man.
238
00:09:54,626 --> 00:09:56,001
[laughs]
239
00:09:56,084 --> 00:09:58,334
Do you actually think
you would even stand a chance?
240
00:09:58,418 --> 00:10:00,709
Knockout in the first round. Let's go!
241
00:10:00,793 --> 00:10:02,543
This fucking guy is all bark and no bite.
242
00:10:02,626 --> 00:10:04,793
You little shit, you asked for it.
243
00:10:04,876 --> 00:10:06,334
-Diarea.
-Just a moment.
244
00:10:06,876 --> 00:10:08,209
[snorting]
245
00:10:08,293 --> 00:10:10,293
Ahh! Death match!
246
00:10:10,376 --> 00:10:11,501
[quick breaths]
247
00:10:11,584 --> 00:10:13,209
[yells, grunts]
248
00:10:14,459 --> 00:10:16,376
[laughs] Didn't I say?
249
00:10:16,459 --> 00:10:17,293
[quick breaths]
250
00:10:17,376 --> 00:10:18,334
Ahh!
251
00:10:18,418 --> 00:10:20,126
[grunting]
252
00:10:20,209 --> 00:10:22,376
[laughs] Didn't I warn you?
253
00:10:22,959 --> 00:10:24,709
Maybe I should just shoot him, you think?
254
00:10:24,793 --> 00:10:27,126
Don't you dare!
I can win the match on points.
255
00:10:27,209 --> 00:10:28,084
[quick breaths]
256
00:10:28,168 --> 00:10:29,626
Attack!
257
00:10:29,709 --> 00:10:32,084
[grunts, laughs]
258
00:10:32,168 --> 00:10:33,168
You had enough yet?
259
00:10:33,251 --> 00:10:35,459
[grunting]
260
00:10:35,543 --> 00:10:37,543
I'm afraid I have some bad news for you.
261
00:10:37,626 --> 00:10:41,043
We will keep fighting each other
until one of us takes their death shit.
262
00:10:43,543 --> 00:10:45,376
Hands in the air, you dickheads!
263
00:10:45,459 --> 00:10:46,793
-Er…
-[gun fires]
264
00:10:46,876 --> 00:10:47,959
[grunts]
265
00:10:48,043 --> 00:10:51,251
Oh crap, not the right guy.
Okay, I'll have better aim this time.
266
00:10:51,334 --> 00:10:52,626
-[gun fires]
-[grunts]
267
00:10:52,709 --> 00:10:54,126
Fu-- Whatever.
268
00:10:54,209 --> 00:10:55,918
Third time's gonna be the charm.
269
00:10:56,418 --> 00:10:59,043
-[gun clicks]
-Once again out of ammunition.
270
00:10:59,126 --> 00:11:01,126
[laughs evilly]
271
00:11:04,709 --> 00:11:07,293
The tables have finally turned,
motherfucker.
272
00:11:07,376 --> 00:11:09,209
Any last wishes before I kill you?
273
00:11:09,293 --> 00:11:12,293
Yeah, lend me your gun
for just a moment, would ya?
274
00:11:12,376 --> 00:11:17,251
Uh… All right then.
A last request is a sacred thing.
275
00:11:18,709 --> 00:11:20,459
-[gun fires]
-[body hits the ground]
276
00:11:20,543 --> 00:11:22,543
[upbeat music playing]
277
00:11:26,626 --> 00:11:27,459
THE END
278
00:11:27,543 --> 00:11:29,543
[in Polish]
♪ Exorcist for less than three hundred ♪
279
00:11:29,626 --> 00:11:32,751
♪ Actually, it's two hundred
If you want a bill, it'll cost you more ♪
280
00:11:32,834 --> 00:11:35,834
♪ Watch it, Beelzebutt
You're gonna get your ass kicked ♪
281
00:11:35,918 --> 00:11:39,084
♪ Watch it, Buttcifer
He's aiming at you ♪
282
00:11:39,168 --> 00:11:43,793
[malevolent laugh]