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A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
2
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[theme music playing]
3
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[hiccuping]
4
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[man] Rysiek. Rysiek. Rysiek.
5
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A BABY FROM HELL
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Rysiek!
7
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Your husband really is a lightweight.
8
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Rysiek! Bottoms up, buddy!
9
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[drinking]
10
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[exhales, grunts]
11
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[snoring]
12
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[woman] Sylwia, I'm gonna take a whiz.
13
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Mind the sausages.
14
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[urinating]
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[ominous music playing]
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Mmm. Hi there, Mr. Handsome.
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You here all alone?
18
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[both moaning]
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-Oh yeah. Oh yes.
-[demon moaning]
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-[woman] Yes! Yes!
-[demon] Hold on, woman! I'm done.
21
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You wanna ride me to death?
22
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I wanna have a smoke anyway.
23
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[lighter clicking]
24
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[happy music playing]
25
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Rysiek… I'm pregnant.
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-Uh…
-[mug shattering]
27
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[happy music playing]
28
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All right, now let's find out
the sex of the baby.
29
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Doctor, is everything okay?
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[dramatic music plays]
31
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Uh… Yes, yes, yes. It's a boy.
Thank you again for coming.
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A son. You hear that, Jowitka? A son!
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[happy music playing]
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PUBLIC HOSPITAL
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-[doctor] Nurse, speculum, please.
-[nurse] Here you go.
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Thank you very much.
37
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Now let's see
what we've got going on in here.
38
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[dramatic music plays]
39
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Wait. Good God!
What is the meaning of this?
40
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-Is something wrong?
-Well, I don't know.
41
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A claw slid out from inside of her
and took my favorite speculum.
42
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-Dr. Tomasz, have you been drinking?
-What? No!
43
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Um, I mean, yes,
but I think I know what I saw, okay?
44
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So, you have been drinking?
45
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What's a few shots of vodka
for a professional doctor like me?
46
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Uh, would you be willing
to share a little glass to, uh… [chuckles]
47
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…calm the nerves?
48
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-Rysiek!
-Can't you see?
49
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Even if I wanted to share,
which I don't, 'cause I don't have much,
50
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I couldn't.
51
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Well, the speculum has just disappeared,
52
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so I'll just have to manage
with only my two bare hands…
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[shrieks]
54
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-[screams]
-Oh, fuck me!
55
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[rabid growling and chomping]
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[screams]
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[growl]
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I will be right back, Mommy, my dear!
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[rabid growling]
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[man] Boner, you imbecile,
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why the hell did you bring
this dead Priest Eater in here?
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[Boner] For one secundo,
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I thought that
you might just be interested.
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And secondly tertio,
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he's actually not dead at all,
he's just unconscious.
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If he were just unconscious,
he wouldn't have soiled himself.
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Dead. See?
68
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His sphincter is relaxed.
69
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Get him off of my desk immediately!
70
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Oh, hang on!
71
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Holy crap! The drunk was right!
He's not dead at all.
72
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And he's still defecating!
He's doing it on purpose!
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[roaring]
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[shouting, choking]
75
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Boner, don't shoot,
you're going to kill the archbishop!
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Boner, you stupid idiot,
you're going to hurt someone!
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Don't do anything. I'll take care of it!
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-[roars]
-[yelling]
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-[growling and chomping]
-Boner, do something!
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Jesus, make up your mind already!
81
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[Natan] He bit me! Hurry up!
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Stop moving around so much
or I won't be able to take the shot!
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Don't tell me you're actually gonna shoot…
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[gun fires]
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Archbishop, Your Excellency,
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take his shotgun away,
before someone gets hurt!
87
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Okay, okay.
88
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We're gonna deal with this
the way real actual men do.
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Over vodka!
90
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Did someone say "vodka"?
91
00:04:00,668 --> 00:04:02,376
No, I was just kidding.
92
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Stand up and fight me!
93
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[growls]
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Not only did you interrupt
my delicious meal,
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you also gave me a craving for vodka.
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I'll kill ya!
97
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[grunting]
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[groans] Ow!
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[gun fires]
100
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Oh.
101
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He's lucky I didn't punch him back,
'cause he pissed me off so much,
102
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I would have hit him really hard
and done some real serious damage.
103
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[groaning] Stop your idiotic babbling
and take me to the hospital already.
104
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I need a tetanus shot.
I bet he wasn't vaccinated at all.
105
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PUBLIC HOSPITAL
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[brakes screeching]
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[Natan] For God's sake, Boner,
108
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who taught you how to drive?
A blind gorilla?
109
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A friend of mine.
Same guy that taught me to shoot.
110
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Anyway, how was I supposed to know
you had a broken car?
111
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I wanted to slow down.
112
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A normal car chokes up when you speed up.
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RECEPTION
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-[Natan] Rather empty.
-[Boner] Hello?
115
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Anybody there?
116
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Quiet. You'll wake up the other patients.
117
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Aw, fuck, come on,
this ain't the public library.
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MEDICAL PERSONNEL ONLY
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-[bell dings]
-Ring, ring, dammit!
120
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You've got a patient, assholes!
121
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Shitsticks, customer service here
is worse than my company.
122
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I may not be responsive, but I'm always
asleep, drunk, and at my desk.
123
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And there's nobody even around here!
124
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[Natan] You know what?
125
00:05:28,209 --> 00:05:30,834
Thanks for the lift,
but here's some money for a cab.
126
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Just go back to your trailer.
127
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I'll manage by myself.
128
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[prolonged guttural roar]
129
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Did you just fart?
130
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Uh, yeah.
131
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But there was a weird scream.
132
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Boner, something's odd.
Let's go check it out.
133
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I think something bad is going on here.
134
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[adventurous music playing]
135
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-Fu…
-[clearing throat] Mm-mmm…
136
00:05:57,459 --> 00:05:58,418
Um…
137
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Well, fudge my fucking ass!
138
00:06:00,418 --> 00:06:01,751
What happened here?
139
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The chief physician's
birthday party or something?
140
00:06:05,834 --> 00:06:09,293
Nah, it was something else,
'cause the toilets aren't covered in puke.
141
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[dramatic music plays]
142
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Uh-oh!
143
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What did I say?
144
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Something is terribly wrong.
145
00:06:18,876 --> 00:06:21,043
Nah. This doesn't mean anything yet.
146
00:06:21,126 --> 00:06:23,084
Maybe the manager's off duty or something.
147
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[dramatic music plays]
148
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Okay, you may be right.
This is a bit suspicious.
149
00:06:29,959 --> 00:06:31,126
Look over there!
150
00:06:31,209 --> 00:06:33,209
[tense music playing]
151
00:06:40,418 --> 00:06:41,626
Holy moly! Look!
152
00:06:43,876 --> 00:06:45,626
Oh, I get it now.
153
00:06:45,709 --> 00:06:47,959
See? It's a bunch of menstruating broads.
154
00:06:48,043 --> 00:06:49,626
I recommend that we keep the hell out.
155
00:06:49,709 --> 00:06:52,251
It's not a very safe place
for any man to be right now.
156
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[sighs] Prepare your weapon.
We're going in.
157
00:06:54,584 --> 00:06:56,584
[action music playing]
158
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[munching and crunching]
159
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[gags]
160
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[vomits]
161
00:07:09,626 --> 00:07:12,209
Hmm, some fresh meat! Welcome.
162
00:07:14,084 --> 00:07:16,543
[chuckles] Thank you,
but there's no need for cutlery.
163
00:07:18,459 --> 00:07:19,709
[laughs]
164
00:07:19,793 --> 00:07:23,834
You'd defeat world hunger while being
completely sober before defeating me!
165
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[roaring]
166
00:07:27,209 --> 00:07:29,334
Freeze, you assholes, freeze!
167
00:07:29,418 --> 00:07:31,709
You've got no chance against me, morons.
168
00:07:31,793 --> 00:07:32,834
I've got a plan!
169
00:07:32,918 --> 00:07:35,209
Quickly, get to the operating room!
170
00:07:38,084 --> 00:07:39,793
-[door rattling]
-Oh, don't tell me.
171
00:07:39,876 --> 00:07:41,334
I know what you've come up with.
172
00:07:41,418 --> 00:07:43,751
You wanna get wasted
just one last time, right?
173
00:07:43,834 --> 00:07:46,293
I didn't know that side of you,
but I do like the idea.
174
00:07:46,376 --> 00:07:47,334
ETHYL ALCOHOL 70%
175
00:07:47,418 --> 00:07:50,626
In the spirit of friendship,
let's drink some pure ethanol!
176
00:07:50,709 --> 00:07:52,959
I've never seen a worse bum than you.
177
00:07:53,043 --> 00:07:54,793
[exhales] Hey, thanks a lot!
178
00:07:54,876 --> 00:07:58,168
Grab the syringe filled with anesthetic
and get ready to attack!
179
00:07:58,251 --> 00:08:00,876
I can't hold the door for long! [yelps]
180
00:08:03,043 --> 00:08:05,293
[cackling]
181
00:08:05,376 --> 00:08:08,876
I've been waiting for this moment
since the day I was born!
182
00:08:08,959 --> 00:08:10,626
So not that long. You get the gist.
183
00:08:10,709 --> 00:08:13,959
The important thing is
that it's finally here…
184
00:08:14,043 --> 00:08:14,959
[grunt]
185
00:08:15,043 --> 00:08:18,376
Phew! We did it. We won!
We killed the demon!
186
00:08:18,459 --> 00:08:20,251
We'll only be absolutely sure of that
187
00:08:20,334 --> 00:08:22,543
once we've finally chopped
his ugly head off.
188
00:08:23,751 --> 00:08:26,459
Phew. Thankfully, I found a tetanus shot.
189
00:08:26,543 --> 00:08:30,001
We gotta go to the police station,
and tell the Chief what happened here.
190
00:08:30,084 --> 00:08:32,584
But if you think I'm letting you
bring this demon carcass
191
00:08:32,668 --> 00:08:34,959
into the car,
you're sorely mistaken, my friend.
192
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[chuckles]
193
00:08:36,084 --> 00:08:38,376
If you think that I actually care…
194
00:08:38,459 --> 00:08:39,376
Well, you're right.
195
00:08:39,459 --> 00:08:42,043
Come on. It would be such a nice trophy
to hang on my wall!
196
00:08:43,251 --> 00:08:44,543
Did I make it?
197
00:08:48,043 --> 00:08:51,168
Oh no! You've killed my brand-new baby!
198
00:08:51,251 --> 00:08:54,501
He was supposed
to inherit the farm from me!
199
00:08:54,584 --> 00:08:57,376
[roaring]
200
00:08:57,459 --> 00:09:00,876
Holy cow! We also need to take care
of his old man now!
201
00:09:00,959 --> 00:09:04,959
I know! I'm just trying to come up
with a funny diversion, okay?
202
00:09:05,043 --> 00:09:05,876
Got it!
203
00:09:10,209 --> 00:09:12,209
[printer whirring]
204
00:09:20,959 --> 00:09:22,751
It's perfecto.
205
00:09:22,834 --> 00:09:24,293
Hell, I might just get one too.
206
00:09:24,376 --> 00:09:26,209
Give me the poster.
There's no time to waste.
207
00:09:26,293 --> 00:09:28,543
He's wandering all around the hospital.
He'll find us.
208
00:09:29,168 --> 00:09:30,293
Hey!
209
00:09:30,959 --> 00:09:32,043
Hello!
210
00:09:32,834 --> 00:09:35,876
If I were you, I'd leave your hideout
and let me kill you,
211
00:09:35,959 --> 00:09:37,793
just to get it over with.
212
00:09:37,876 --> 00:09:40,251
Ah, but I guess the client is king.
213
00:09:40,334 --> 00:09:42,001
I'll find you anyway.
214
00:09:42,084 --> 00:09:43,793
There's no rush. I've got time.
215
00:09:43,876 --> 00:09:45,543
Almost all night.
216
00:09:45,626 --> 00:09:48,626
The farmer's market doesn't open
until 5:00 a.m.
217
00:09:49,209 --> 00:09:50,918
Eh? What is this?
218
00:09:51,459 --> 00:09:57,209
"Enema. Improves digestion and mood."
219
00:09:57,293 --> 00:09:59,626
"Self-service system." [gasps]
220
00:09:59,709 --> 00:10:02,001
I'd have to be crazy
not to get in on this.
221
00:10:02,084 --> 00:10:03,626
[chuckles]
222
00:10:03,709 --> 00:10:05,209
Oh gosh, he took the bait!
223
00:10:05,293 --> 00:10:07,709
Combines business and pleasure.
224
00:10:07,793 --> 00:10:09,584
The pleasure is obvious.
225
00:10:09,668 --> 00:10:12,459
And it works
to supposedly improve something.
226
00:10:12,543 --> 00:10:14,876
All right, let's do this thing already.
227
00:10:14,959 --> 00:10:15,876
[groans]
228
00:10:16,793 --> 00:10:17,876
[hesitant groan]
229
00:10:17,959 --> 00:10:19,126
Burns a little…
230
00:10:19,209 --> 00:10:20,751
Must be hot water in there…
231
00:10:20,834 --> 00:10:22,334
Oh damn, it burns!
232
00:10:22,418 --> 00:10:24,043
But I can take it. Come on.
233
00:10:24,126 --> 00:10:25,459
So are you sure about that?
234
00:10:25,543 --> 00:10:26,626
What?
235
00:10:26,709 --> 00:10:27,959
[dramatic music plays]
236
00:10:28,043 --> 00:10:29,501
You Judases!
237
00:10:29,584 --> 00:10:32,709
[screams, grunts]
238
00:10:32,793 --> 00:10:34,918
Yeah, we did it!
239
00:10:35,001 --> 00:10:38,918
I don't like you, but I have to admit,
sometimes your ideas are pretty good.
240
00:10:39,001 --> 00:10:40,418
Okay, we can go back.
241
00:10:40,501 --> 00:10:41,668
What are you doing?
242
00:10:42,418 --> 00:10:43,459
[exasperated sigh]
243
00:10:43,543 --> 00:10:44,626
ETHYL ALCOHOL 70%
244
00:10:44,709 --> 00:10:46,709
[happy music playing]
245
00:10:48,543 --> 00:10:49,376
THE END
246
00:10:49,459 --> 00:10:51,459
[in Polish]
♪ Exorcist for less than three hundred ♪
247
00:10:51,543 --> 00:10:54,543
♪ Actually, it's two hundred
If you want a bill, it'll cost you more ♪
248
00:10:54,626 --> 00:10:57,459
♪ Watch it, Beelzebutt
You're gonna get your ass kicked ♪
249
00:10:57,543 --> 00:11:00,793
♪ Watch it, Buttcifer
He's aiming at you ♪
250
00:11:00,876 --> 00:11:05,543
[malevolent laugh]