A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
[theme music playing]
[hiccuping]
[man] Rysiek. Rysiek. Rysiek.
A BABY FROM HELL
Rysiek!
Your husband really is a lightweight.
Rysiek! Bottoms up, buddy!
[drinking]
[exhales, grunts]
[snoring]
[woman] Sylwia, I'm gonna take a whiz.
Mind the sausages.
[urinating]
[ominous music playing]
Mmm. Hi there, Mr. Handsome.
You here all alone?
[both moaning]
-Oh yeah. Oh yes. -[demon moaning]
-[woman] Yes! Yes! -[demon] Hold on, woman! I'm done.
You wanna ride me to death?
I wanna have a smoke anyway.
[lighter clicking]
[happy music playing]
Rysiek… I'm pregnant.
-Uh… -[mug shattering]
[happy music playing]
All right, now let's find out the sex of the baby.
Doctor, is everything okay?
[dramatic music plays]
Uh… Yes, yes, yes. It's a boy. Thank you again for coming.
A son. You hear that, Jowitka? A son!
[happy music playing]
PUBLIC HOSPITAL
-[doctor] Nurse, speculum, please. -[nurse] Here you go.
Thank you very much.
Now let's see what we've got going on in here.
[dramatic music plays]
Wait. Good God! What is the meaning of this?
-Is something wrong? -Well, I don't know.
A claw slid out from inside of her and took my favorite speculum.
-Dr. Tomasz, have you been drinking? -What? No!
Um, I mean, yes, but I think I know what I saw, okay?
So, you have been drinking?
What's a few shots of vodka for a professional doctor like me?
Uh, would you be willing to share a little glass to, uh… [chuckles]
…calm the nerves?
-Rysiek! -Can't you see?
Even if I wanted to share, which I don't, 'cause I don't have much,
I couldn't.
Well, the speculum has just disappeared,
so I'll just have to manage with only my two bare hands…
[shrieks]
-[screams] -Oh, fuck me!
[rabid growling and chomping]
[screams]
[growl]
I will be right back, Mommy, my dear!
[rabid growling]
[man] Boner, you imbecile,
why the hell did you bring this dead Priest Eater in here?
[Boner] For one secundo,
I thought that you might just be interested.
And secondly tertio,
he's actually not dead at all, he's just unconscious.
If he were just unconscious, he wouldn't have soiled himself.
Dead. See?
His sphincter is relaxed.
Get him off of my desk immediately!
Oh, hang on!
Holy crap! The drunk was right! He's not dead at all.
And he's still defecating! He's doing it on purpose!
[roaring]
[shouting, choking]
Boner, don't shoot, you're going to kill the archbishop!
Boner, you stupid idiot, you're going to hurt someone!
Don't do anything. I'll take care of it!
-[roars] -[yelling]
-[growling and chomping] -Boner, do something!
Jesus, make up your mind already!
[Natan] He bit me! Hurry up!
Stop moving around so much or I won't be able to take the shot!
Don't tell me you're actually gonna shoot…
[gun fires]
Archbishop, Your Excellency,
take his shotgun away, before someone gets hurt!
Okay, okay.
We're gonna deal with this the way real actual men do.
Over vodka!
Did someone say "vodka"?
No, I was just kidding.
Stand up and fight me!
[growls]
Not only did you interrupt my delicious meal,
you also gave me a craving for vodka.
I'll kill ya!
[grunting]
[groans] Ow!
[gun fires]
Oh.
He's lucky I didn't punch him back, 'cause he pissed me off so much,
I would have hit him really hard and done some real serious damage.
[groaning] Stop your idiotic babbling and take me to the hospital already.
I need a tetanus shot. I bet he wasn't vaccinated at all.
PUBLIC HOSPITAL
[brakes screeching]
[Natan] For God's sake, Boner,
who taught you how to drive? A blind gorilla?
A friend of mine. Same guy that taught me to shoot.
Anyway, how was I supposed to know you had a broken car?
I wanted to slow down.
A normal car chokes up when you speed up.
RECEPTION
-[Natan] Rather empty. -[Boner] Hello?
Anybody there?
Quiet. You'll wake up the other patients.
Aw, fuck, come on, this ain't the public library.
MEDICAL PERSONNEL ONLY
-[bell dings] -Ring, ring, dammit!
You've got a patient, assholes!
Shitsticks, customer service here is worse than my company.
I may not be responsive, but I'm always asleep, drunk, and at my desk.
And there's nobody even around here!
[Natan] You know what?
Thanks for the lift, but here's some money for a cab.
Just go back to your trailer.
I'll manage by myself.
[prolonged guttural roar]
Did you just fart?
Uh, yeah.
But there was a weird scream.
Boner, something's odd. Let's go check it out.
I think something bad is going on here.
[adventurous music playing]
-Fu… -[clearing throat] Mm-mmm…
Um…
Well, fudge my fucking ass!
What happened here?
The chief physician's birthday party or something?
Nah, it was something else, 'cause the toilets aren't covered in puke.
[dramatic music plays]
Uh-oh!
What did I say?
Something is terribly wrong.
Nah. This doesn't mean anything yet.
Maybe the manager's off duty or something.
[dramatic music plays]
Okay, you may be right. This is a bit suspicious.
Look over there!
[tense music playing]
Holy moly! Look!
Oh, I get it now.
See? It's a bunch of menstruating broads.
I recommend that we keep the hell out.
It's not a very safe place for any man to be right now.
[sighs] Prepare your weapon. We're going in.
[action music playing]
[munching and crunching]
[gags]
[vomits]
Hmm, some fresh meat! Welcome.
[chuckles] Thank you, but there's no need for cutlery.
[laughs]
You'd defeat world hunger while being completely sober before defeating me!
[roaring]
Freeze, you assholes, freeze!
You've got no chance against me, morons.
I've got a plan!
Quickly, get to the operating room!
-[door rattling] -Oh, don't tell me.
I know what you've come up with.
You wanna get wasted just one last time, right?
I didn't know that side of you, but I do like the idea.
ETHYL ALCOHOL 70%
In the spirit of friendship, let's drink some pure ethanol!
I've never seen a worse bum than you.
[exhales] Hey, thanks a lot!
Grab the syringe filled with anesthetic and get ready to attack!
I can't hold the door for long! [yelps]
[cackling]
I've been waiting for this moment since the day I was born!
So not that long. You get the gist.
The important thing is that it's finally here…
[grunt]
Phew! We did it. We won! We killed the demon!
We'll only be absolutely sure of that
once we've finally chopped his ugly head off.
Phew. Thankfully, I found a tetanus shot.
We gotta go to the police station, and tell the Chief what happened here.
But if you think I'm letting you bring this demon carcass
into the car, you're sorely mistaken, my friend.
[chuckles]
If you think that I actually care…
Well, you're right.
Come on. It would be such a nice trophy to hang on my wall!
Did I make it?
Oh no! You've killed my brand-new baby!
He was supposed to inherit the farm from me!
[roaring]
Holy cow! We also need to take care of his old man now!
I know! I'm just trying to come up with a funny diversion, okay?
Got it!
[printer whirring]
It's perfecto.
Hell, I might just get one too.
Give me the poster. There's no time to waste.
He's wandering all around the hospital. He'll find us.
Hey!
Hello!
If I were you, I'd leave your hideout and let me kill you,
just to get it over with.
Ah, but I guess the client is king.
I'll find you anyway.
There's no rush. I've got time.
Almost all night.
The farmer's market doesn't open until 5:00 a.m.
Eh? What is this?
"Enema. Improves digestion and mood."
"Self-service system." [gasps]
I'd have to be crazy not to get in on this.
[chuckles]
Oh gosh, he took the bait!
Combines business and pleasure.
The pleasure is obvious.
And it works to supposedly improve something.
All right, let's do this thing already.
[groans]
[hesitant groan]
Burns a little…
Must be hot water in there…
Oh damn, it burns!
But I can take it. Come on.
So are you sure about that?
What?
[dramatic music plays]
You Judases!
[screams, grunts]
Yeah, we did it!
I don't like you, but I have to admit, sometimes your ideas are pretty good.
Okay, we can go back.
What are you doing?
[exasperated sigh]
ETHYL ALCOHOL 70%
[happy music playing]
THE END
[in Polish] ♪ Exorcist for less than three hundred ♪
♪ Actually, it's two hundred If you want a bill, it'll cost you more ♪
♪ Watch it, Beelzebutt You're gonna get your ass kicked ♪
♪ Watch it, Buttcifer He's aiming at you ♪
[malevolent laugh]